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C.C.Benjamin
2007-02-19, 04:10 PM
Hi everyone.

I'm a long-time reader of OoTS ("Belkar, you are a ranger!" "So I can beat him with both scrolls at the same time?" - love it!) and recently I have been trying my hand at creative writing, mainly fantasy tales.

I have tried all kinds of creative writing forums, but can't seem to find anywhere that people would actually be interested in this sort of thing. I have looked at the other categories here and I figure this is probably the best place for it.

So hopefully I won't get stoned to badly by everyone if I just give you all a link and say that if you enjoy D&D style adventure stories, with a bit more flair and atmosphere than most, please stop by and have a look.

All feedback is welcome, good or bad, because I would like to consider this as a possible career move!

The link is http://intotheaether.tripod.com/.

Thanks for reading all!

Carl

Khantalas
2007-02-19, 04:15 PM
Doesn't this belong in Arts & Crafts?

averagejoe
2007-02-19, 04:47 PM
It probably does. Belong in arts and crafts, that is.

Anyways, onto the review!

The Cairn.

Just upon reading the first paragraph: it's a really bad idea to describe your setting as "epic." That's one of those feelings you should be able to impart without saying the actual word. It's like writing, "He brandished his knife in such a way that the reader found it really scary, and then the reader was totally horrified by..." etc. etc. My example was very extreme, but you are doing the same thing, in essance. Show, don't describe. Instead of saying that someone is "sad," talk about how their eyes are red and their nose is runny and their cheeks are wet, and that they don't smile, etc. Instead of saying "epic," make the scenery seem very big in relation to the characters, or something like that. There are many better ways to describe something than just saying the feeling you want to impart.

Also, you really don't need to describe every little detail. The scenery, the person and so on are fine, but describing the waterskin in detail starts to get a little silly.

Honestly, that's kind of symtomatic of your entire story. You put in so much detail-which is commendable, granted-that we tend to get bogged down in it and kind of loose track of the action. It would probably be more effective if you set the scene, then described what happens.

One last thing. You seem to have the habit of describing the same thing over and over again. You keep calling the woman beautiful and the traveller grizzled, but you only really need to do it once or twice. After that it tends to get tiresome.

I should say that not all your description was bad-quite the contrary. You just tend to get a little heavyhanded with it. It was also a good idea, and you kept it fairly self-contained, which is a good thing because it's a short story.

C.C.Benjamin
2007-02-19, 05:46 PM
It probably does. Belong in arts and crafts, that is.

Anyways, onto the review!

The Cairn.

Just upon reading the first paragraph: it's a really bad idea to describe your setting as "epic." That's one of those feelings you should be able to impart without saying the actual word. It's like writing, "He brandished his knife in such a way that the reader found it really scary, and then the reader was totally horrified by..." etc. etc. My example was very extreme, but you are doing the same thing, in essance. Show, don't describe. Instead of saying that someone is "sad," talk about how their eyes are red and their nose is runny and their cheeks are wet, and that they don't smile, etc. Instead of saying "epic," make the scenery seem very big in relation to the characters, or something like that. There are many better ways to describe something than just saying the feeling you want to impart.

Also, you really don't need to describe every little detail. The scenery, the person and so on are fine, but describing the waterskin in detail starts to get a little silly.

Honestly, that's kind of symtomatic of your entire story. You put in so much detail-which is commendable, granted-that we tend to get bogged down in it and kind of loose track of the action. It would probably be more effective if you set the scene, then described what happens.

One last thing. You seem to have the habit of describing the same thing over and over again. You keep calling the woman beautiful and the traveller grizzled, but you only really need to do it once or twice. After that it tends to get tiresome.

I should say that not all your description was bad-quite the contrary. You just tend to get a little heavyhanded with it. It was also a good idea, and you kept it fairly self-contained, which is a good thing because it's a short story.


Hey, thanks very much for the review!

I now realise that this is in the wrong forum - I missed the Arts&Crafts one...my bad!

Concerning the word 'epic' - I used it because it instantly makes the reader think big, really big. Perhaps the optimum balance here would be to skip the description of the forest and leave the word in, or take it out and leave the description in?

Just to note, the poor old wanderer actually gets magicked by the creature without realising it. So the repetition of her beauty was actually an attempt to imply the wanderer - so observant that he could hear her by the stream - becomes completely unobservant, and forgets his guard and his senses, and tends to focus on silly, small details. Did I not make this clear enough?


Thanks again for the review - it's nice to hear an honest opinion of your work (my friends are either too nice or don't notice these things!) - and I shall bear that in mind for the next one, or a review of The Cairn.

Cheers,

Carl

averagejoe
2007-02-19, 06:47 PM
Concerning the word 'epic' - I used it because it instantly makes the reader think big, really big. Perhaps the optimum balance here would be to skip the description of the forest and leave the word in, or take it out and leave the description in?

Just to note, the poor old wanderer actually gets magicked by the creature without realising it. So the repetition of her beauty was actually an attempt to imply the wanderer - so observant that he could hear her by the stream - becomes completely unobservant, and forgets his guard and his senses, and tends to focus on silly, small details. Did I not make this clear enough?


Thanks again for the review - it's nice to hear an honest opinion of your work (my friends are either too nice or don't notice these things!) - and I shall bear that in mind for the next one, or a review of The Cairn.

Well, that's what I mean, there are other things you could say to imply bigness. You could say something like, "He was swallowed up by the landscape, barely a speck on the face of the vast mountain."

Well, I realized that the wanderer was getting lethargic, but no, it probably wasn't quite clear enough. I honestly don't know how I'd fix that. You could tell some stuff from the reader's point of view instead of just his own; maybe have him stumble, or something. I dunno, I'm actually not overly-good at doing altered perceptions.

I always try to give honest reviews, although I don't always say enough good about it. I always just figure that you already know what's good about it, and that saying so would be redundant. I'll probably come back and do the other one later, if I have time.

C.C.Benjamin
2007-02-19, 08:40 PM
Well, that's what I mean, there are other things you could say to imply bigness. You could say something like, "He was swallowed up by the landscape, barely a speck on the face of the vast mountain."

Well, I realized that the wanderer was getting lethargic, but no, it probably wasn't quite clear enough. I honestly don't know how I'd fix that. You could tell some stuff from the reader's point of view instead of just his own; maybe have him stumble, or something. I dunno, I'm actually not overly-good at doing altered perceptions.

I always try to give honest reviews, although I don't always say enough good about it. I always just figure that you already know what's good about it, and that saying so would be redundant. I'll probably come back and do the other one later, if I have time.

I think I might add a small change at the end to reflect a thought the wanderer has himself, regarding the magic. He might realise as he focuses on the spot that he is far too relaxed and tunnel visioned, and that he might well have been enchanted but it is too late to do anything about it now.

Honest reviews are a good! To be perfectly frank I don't know what's good or bad about it, so I put it up for people to let me know! As long as it doesn't get filed in the "total crap" bin, that's fine. :smallbiggrin:


Please feel free to check out the other (and another story is coming too) story and voice any opinions about it too!

Tormsskull
2007-02-20, 11:01 AM
Thanks for sharing these writings, I enjoyed reading them! Here are my thoughts:

The Cairn

I'm going to echo averagejoe as to the amount of descriptiveness you are using. It is good to be descriptive, but there is such a thing as too descriptive. The problem with being too descriptive is that the story drags on, and it is hard to focus on anything later on. If you describe many things in great detail (as you have) then later on when you want something to stand out you have to do an even more detailed description otherwise the reader doesn't know to pay special attention.

Also (this applies to both your stories) I don't get any sense of intimacy from your writing. Generally an author creates a character and wants you to feel for them, be empathetic towards them. Since this character is described as "the wanderer" I feel, as the reader, distanced from him. I feel like I don't know him, and I don't really care about his fate because of this.

I think it might be better to name him, then describe him as a wanderer, then move on, which will envelop the reader more, make them feel like they have a stake in your writing. In other words, make the reader care about this character.

Other than that, this is an overall good writing. I like the elfin creature and the way you described her deceptiveness. I was a bit confused by the transition between this and The Halls of Madness, assuming the wanderer is the same in both.

Now, The Halls of Madness:

I noticed you changed to more of a "he" and "his" rather than "the wanderer" "the wanderer", etc. This helps to bring the reader a bit more into the fold but I don't think it would be enough in the end. Also, the 1-liner paragraphs I thought was kind of an interesting method to take, I'm not sure if it is too much of a distraction overall or it helps set your mood properly.

Usually when a 1-liner paragraph occurs it is too stress an event. As I said before about overdescribing, when you use 1-liner paragraphs all the time it is then hard to stress an event in the future.

Anyhow, if you write more please update this thread so I can check it out.

C.C.Benjamin
2007-02-20, 04:27 PM
Thank you!

I have recently revised "the cairn" due to wordiness, so now it should read a little smoother, and with more clarity.

Thanks for the constructive criticism. :smallsmile:

Re: Intimacy

It's interesting you say this, you are the first person to comment on this aspect of my writing. It is actually the point that the reader is not too intimate and familiar with the wanderer - he is not the focus of the story. These are specifically written to highlight the antagonist, not the protagonist.

Its also nice to make him a little mysterious. :smallwink:

The site has undergone a small redesign and a new story will be up this week - thanks for reading!

C.C.Benjamin
2007-02-22, 08:39 PM
Hey everyone,

A new story is up on the site, enjoy!

Carl