Funniest D&D Session One-Liners

[TheMonocleRogue]

Ever play though a session that had one of the best one-liners ever spoken? One that is repeated often during a session? Post your favorite ones below.


My personal favorite: "You better pack a lunch...because you're going on a trip!" *rolls to trip*

[Kol Korran]

There is something on those lines in the following threads:
http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?280469-Campaign-Quotes-NO-CONTEXT-EDITION!
and
http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?350188-Campaign-Quotes-No-Context-Edition-II-We-all-want-to-be-the-Majestic-12

A very well known sentence in our group is "I'm but an honest businessman".Oringally said by a Belkar like halfling who was pretending to be merchant. He said it first while covered in the blood of a few victims around him, trying to look innocent. Since then it's a cue to anyone obviously not being what he says he is, usually something far more sinister.

[Kazudo]

"Back to Center."

We started using it in L5R with a kakita bushi, but it's migrated to D&D. Even for noncombat characters.

"I (a bard) draw my scroll and read aloud the names of my allies and their exploits. I roll the scroll back up and sheathe it in its scroll casing. Back to center."

[LarwisTheElf]

"Have you ever heard of the church of Three-fingered Pete?" and "Love and kisses, Three-fingered Pete."

The story behind this is that DM once played in a FR campaign were, during a a treacherous climb up a heavily trapped tower, the party rogue would constantly break into chests only to find it empty except for a small note that read, "A better rogue than you was already here. Love and kisses, Three-fingered Pete." Finally, after reaching the top of the tower, they find a scroll case supposedly containing the last known copy of the Netherese scrolls. They open it up....only to find a note that says, "Yoink! Love and kisses, Three-fingered Pete." Later on, they managed to run into Pete, who turned out to be a female half-orc with all ten fingers.
Fast forward a couple of years. Our DM had just managed to tell us this story as we had gotten wrapped up in a power struggle between the various factions of Skullport. We had to sneak into a Netherese ruin to steal back an artifact that was coveted by all the people who had hired us. In the process we stumbled upon a small altar of Shar that the bad guys were using. My cleric of Lathander decided to deface the chapel, and the rest of the party got in on it too. However, they decided to "rededicate" the chapel to the new church of Three-Fingered Pete. After beating the BBEG, claiming the artifact, and escaping with our lives, we ended up giving the artifact to the Skulls (so they wouldn't kill us on the spot), and then sneaking into the compound of one of the other power players in order to leave a note that reads "Yoink! Love and kisses, Three-fingered Pete" hidden under a rock. We then told all the other people that hired us where we had "hidden" the artifact, and then high tailed it out of there as the whole of Skullport erupted into chaos.
Now, wherever we go, all the other characters leave notes and spread the word about the glorious Three-fingered Pete, the new patron god of thieves. My cleric can't stand it of course, but OOC I constantly encourage the rest of the party to do so.

[Averis Vol]

In my group I've trademarked "It's the principle of the matter," for anytime someone slights me. It's also a queue that I am about to do something to utterly ruin that person in question. Most of my characters are strong headed, and will generally press an issue to a dangerous point, but sometime's, I'll just stop and leave.

I think the last time I said it, someone tried to hustle me on a griffon egg, trying to charge me 10 grand for it. That night I I went full stop, broke into the shop, blinded the guards, dropped a silence and stole the egg, a baby otyugh, a crotchety old shocker lizard, and everything in the safe, all while spreading out the papers that showed how much the shop owner saved by cutting meals and cage sizes for her animals.

By the time the shop owner found out what happened I was 100 miles away raising my little buddies and treating them to a huge meal. She put a bounty on my head but inevitably could not prove I did anything, so I got off scot free.

[PraxisVetli]

My lvl 2 gnome ranger had just barely survived after having killed a wolverine and a deer, and was dragging them to camp. After I brought them back, we decided what to do with the deer and the wolverines pelt.
DM: Do you do anything with the meat? (Thinking he could get us with a bear later or something sinister, I'm sure)
Me: Yeah, I suppose. Might as well smoke it too. I mean, what's more badass than eating Wolverine jerky?
DM: You could eat a real boot.


The Image of my crazy Jungle she-Gnome nomming one of my DM's cowboy boots came to mind, and we all lost it.

Now whenever somebody asks for something awesome, or how to get better at something, we tell them to eat a boot.

[MirthTheBard]

Well I once played a Dwarf Fighter by the name Durkin MacDurkin, prince of the nation MacDurkin and hailing from the capital city of MacDurkin. Whenever something of note was pointed out (architecture, a grand feast, various skill checks) Durkin would always say "If there's one thing a MacDurkin is known for, it's X," which led to substituting many nouns and verbs with "MacDurkin" in that campaign and OOC for multiple games after.

[Lord_Jord]

While playing in the Eberron campaign setting, the cleric was ofte heard shouting "Dol Dorn it!" We still use this once in a while.

[ryu]

''X(s) is/are magic!''

Particular gems include capitalism is magic, murder-hobos are magic, thieving is magic, brothels are magic, destruction is magic, planning is magic, and of course conquest is magic.

[ArqArturo]

I was playing with my Warmage, a character that goes with the Paladin code, and had more Diplomacy than the party bard, and I tried to rouse the king (a Chaotic Neutral petty Joffrey of a king, though not as cruel) to defend its people with the next phrase (and a natural 20 on my Diplomacy skill check):

"My king, I am honored that you have finally given us audience to us, but... Well... Go f**ck yourself, your highness. Your people need you, and you're sitting on you're fat *ss while leaving innocents to die".

It went as one could imagine, but we did make the king to do something to defend his people :smallannoyed:.

[Kimras]

I had a great one from a few years back I was a half orc obsessed with food so when we were fighting a pixie dragonborn someone set her on fire I smell the smoke and my last words to her were "are you made of pizza?" I rolled a d20 for scent got a natural 20 so I bit off her head and then choked to death.

[dysprosium]

The best one I can remember is "It goes on you!"

The characters were a bunch of (very chaotic) pirates that were helping to sack a capital city with an entire fleet of pirates. While the craziness was going on, an allied boat had pulled alongside the characters' boat. The allied boat's pirates had asked the PCs, "How goes the pillaging?'

The PC's response was, "It goes on you!"

The PCs then decided to attack the allied boat and its crew. It was a nicer ship . . .

Did I mention that they were a bunch of very chaotic pirates?

Every so often in games since if the question is asked "how goes [it]?" the answer (at least out of character) is "it goes on you!"

[Nibbens]

After the party stumbles upon a door which seemed impenetrable - we spent many minutes studying/skillchecking/etc to find out what magics were barring it shut, what enchantments were on it, what metals it was made of, how sturdy it seemed... The barbarian of the party (with an intelligence of 7) rolls a Nat 20 and proclaims, "Door need key."

The same barbarian couldn't count, so when we needed to all simultaneously do an action in various rooms to trigger the BBEG, we had to count using things that the dumb Orcish barbarian would understand: "Goblin fingers, Axe, Bugbear tooth, Gnoll head." - Strangely, it worked.

[WeaselGuy]

"I roll to see if there's any unusual stonework..." or "Stonework check!"
We recently finished a portion of a campaign where we had a dwarf ranger (a rather horribly inept one, I might add) who consistently tried to do stonework checks on everything he saw that was related to stone. It always garnered the same result "Nope, it's all normal". The one time we actually needed him to make a check (to rig a bridge to collapse) he was completely oblivious. Now, everytime we're stuck on something, someone invariably says "Stonework check!" and we all bust out laughing. That guy isn't with us anymore either, or his fiance's stepmother that played with him, an equally inept elf ranger who fancied herself an elf princess.

Which brings me to my next quote, being "I think I might make a ranger next... you know, one that actually ranges." I swear, that girl had no clue how to play a sneaky archer sniper... I'd try to sneak up (on my shadowcaster/rogue) and investigate something, maybe take out a sentry Solid Snake style, and here she is bounding up on her horse trying to shoot the other guard. No, she did not have any mounted combat feats.

Anytime my Druid is about to do something particularly hazardous to the party's continued life expectancy, I make this little hissing-clicking lizard sound, and blame it on my monitor lizard animal companion, saying "It was Joanna's idea!".

[Blackhawk748]

I once had a Goblin Barbarian who was wielding a Large Greataxe (Strongarm Bracers + Monkey Grip) and his signature battlecry was "YOU FORGOT TO PROTECT YOUR KNEECAPS!!!" after screaming that he would promptly cleave someones leg off. He always rolled so much damage. Oh and i was doing a voice when i was IC, it sounded kinda like a Scottish Smeagol. Actually im using that voice for a current character, also a goblin, named Krang who is a Ranger/Rogue who is gonna be a Trapsmith/Combat Trapsmith who says "I hate working with amateurs, they never follow the freakin script". Someone made a director joke earlier in the campaign, so he is now Director Krang.

[Tathum]

Was playing a Paladin who was very hung-ho on duty and smiting evil, your standard holy warrior. DM was running a high level PC that was guiding / leading us through the low levels on basic mission when we came upon a small camp of goblins that we were about to ambush. While waiting for last second instructions, I turned to the NPC and asked her:

"Are there any body parts you wish to have preserved as token trophies?"

DM was so stunned he sat there and blinked, mouth open and not sure how to reply. Eventually he just shrugged and said, "Uh ... no?"

As soon as the NPC said that, I drew my sword and charged forward on my horse with a screaming battle cry, not caring that we were trying to sneak up on the goblins.

Yeah, think that ranks as my favorite.

[Peelee]

Small bit of exposition for this one: we were playing the Star Wars Roleplaying Game. My Jedi got hit with a stun baton by a fellow Jedi (another player, not the DM. There were reasons) and knocked out. A few rounds later, as I'm getting up again, he tries to stun me again. I roll a nat 20 on my Reflex to save. While just waking up from consciousness, prone, to an adversary who was ready and waiting for me and had the same Jedi reflexes and abilities I had.

DM crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it at me, saying, "You get hit with the plot rock."

That phrase is now lobbed around whenever anyone does something they either can not or should not possibly be able to do.

EDIT: Also, "....ta-daaaaa! (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=13141750&postcount=1345)"

[PsyBomb]

"I dismiss Levitate"

I was playing a Changeling Rogue/Warshaper that had a bunch of Whip feats (don't ask, this was more of a flavorful and fun character than any optimization). We came across an Illithid atop a crystal pillar, 50 feet up. We fight Astral Constructs and such, and I chug a Potion of Levitate to get up near him. Once I get there, I use a Whip trait to let me wrap his neck. Cue dismissing Levitate. DM said it was one of the best visuals he's ever had on a mini-boss death.

OOC about the same character, when he was level 4: "I have high enough Bluff and Disguise that I could have sex with another man's wife and SHE wouldn't realize it wasn't her husband better than half the time"

[weckar]

"Next time you find a Genie, get one that speaks Common!" - Spoken by the party with a burned useless spellbook, thousands in unspendable platinum and a dwarf with three awkward legs that has just caused the apocalypse.

[IIzak]

"20 Silvers"

So I was DM'ing for a group and in the very first session, the Half-Orc Fighter gets mad at some dudes in a bar, and decides to pick up their table and throw it at them. Rolls a Nat 20. So the table breaks and the guys all weep like scared children, and the guy is all impressed with himself and he wanted to pay for the table and I just decided to come up with an arbitrary number, so I said "20 Silvers".

From that point on, anytime anyone asked the price of any item, or value of any treasure, the answer was almost exclusively "20 silvers" bc my players had so much fun making fun of that number.

[Blackhawk748]

My party once consisted of nothing but dwarves and anytime we did anything remotely Dwarf related we would yell "DWARF CHECK!" and roll, even if we didnt need to roll.

[RhoTheWanderer]

So I was asked to dm for my group a little over a year and a half ago. Just ended up being for one session. I wanted to emphasize the skill of the extinct race of ancient magic-inclined dwarves who built the mines, so in one area where I wanted a big door I went ahead and put a set of mithril double doors.
The party had a clever wizard and a strong half-ogre (or some other giant), so the wizard, upon hearing of the doors had a somewhat shocked look upon his face and quickly exclaimed, "We take the mithril doors!" (or something along those lines). He then proceeded (much to my astonishment) to calculate the weight and value of the doors and to prove that the half-ogre could actually pull it off! Every now and again, someone will say "mithril door(s)" and one or more people will chuckle at the very least.

[Sivitri]

"But it's my first day!"

Our Cavalier got caught associating with a thief, was sent to prison, and eventually broke out. He was confronted by a pair of guards, and tried pretending to be a guard himself. He responded with this when they didn't recognize him.

"This is not my friends house/cave/boat/basilisk."

Our thief got busted trying to peek into the mayor's mansion. We now use this for everything.

[TheMonocleRogue]

Small bit of exposition for this one: we were playing the Star Wars Roleplaying Game. My Jedi got hit with a stun baton by a fellow Jedi (another player, not the DM. There were reasons) and knocked out. A few rounds later, as I'm getting up again, he tries to stun me again. I roll a nat 20 on my Reflex to save. While just waking up from consciousness, prone, to an adversary who was ready and waiting for me and had the same Jedi reflexes and abilities I had.

DM crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it at me, saying, "You get hit with the plot rock."

That phrase is now lobbed around whenever anyone does something they either can not or should not possibly be able to do.

EDIT: Also, "....ta-daaaaa! (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=13141750&postcount=1345)"

That linked post...my sides...

[Oddman80]

Best one liner from last weeks session has to go to the DM:

"How the hell did you do that much damage!?!? This thing wasn't supposed to die!!!!"

I guess that's technically a two liner. But I thought it was pretty funny.

[Oddman80]

Runner up I would give to my own character. After finding a mysterious black gemstone with a blue aura, all our magic users fail their arcana checks to learn more about it. My half-orc barbarian tries to lend a hand by intimidating the stone. Yelling at it "what are you?! what do you do?!?!"

But I crit fail my intimidate roll. The gem then deflects the intimidation back at me with a crit success - asking me the same questions.

I reply in a cowering tone:
"I am Thunk. I am a Barbarian. I hurt things for a living."

[akward Lad]

I had a player who was spending the first few minutes going through the magic item compendium and deciding their character was going to get a set of owl-feather armor at the soonest opportunity. Later on that game the I had gotten distracted due to OOC comments as the party traveled though a small forest.
Me:(trying to get back in control). Ok... Where were we, you travel though the forest following the trail and...(looking though my notes to see where I left off)
Player:...and I stumble across some owl-feather armor. I quickly put it on.( begins pantomiming putting on some armor)
Me: No, you find a pile of poop and owl feathers.
Player:(now miming the act of rubbing himself with his findings)...I wanna be an owl!

To this day we buy him owl themed presents for his birthday and Christmas

[Lonely Tylenol]

"Don't run! You'll only die tired!"

~A CE Dwarf Barbarian with a slightly slower move speed, but much higher CON score, than his adversary.

[Thealtruistorc]

Some favorites from my table.

"Being an atheist in the D&D world is like being a creationist in this one"

"You know the optimization is skewed when the wizard starts feeling useless"

"So you just barely defeated a mind flayer? That explains the barbarian's behavior"

[ryu]

Some favorites from my table.

"Being an atheist in the D&D world is like being a creationist in this one"

"You know the optimization is skewed when the wizard starts feeling useless"

"So you just barely defeated a mind flayer? That explains the barbarian's behavior"

Or Kratos. Otherwise known as the most determined atheist of them all.

[zyggythorn]

"Kid tested, Mother approved!"

Our.... CN? LE? NE? tough to tell... Sorcerer created a machine that could add nice bonuses to people who went through it.

I say could, because if you went through too many times, you would 'be goop'd' or come out with other horrible deformities.

Of course, there was a test period where terminally I'll children would be sent through the machine. Many were children. Our paladin disapproved. Greatly.

When pushed as to the findings, the sorc replied with the above line.


And now I'm bringing him a box of Kix cereal as a thank you. (Kix has the same slogan)