Playground's Dumbest Criminals

[ElenionAncalima]

So one of my players decided to disguise himself as a clown and break into the circus. Why did he do this?

1. To steal more clown supplies for his clown disguise.
2. To get discounted circus tickets. (That's right, he didn't want free tickets...just a discount.)

He almost got busted a few times and by the end of the session we were all joking about how great it would have been if he had managed to get arrested for impersonating a clown. He only managed to avoid getting busted by hiding in a crate, removing his disguise and waiting two hours for customers to arrive so he could blend in.

But, it got me thinking. I bet some of the posters on here know players with a rap sheet so stupid that it puts my clown to shame.

So I was wondering, who are the Playground's dumbest criminals?
Did they get caught?
What was the punishment?

[nedz]

A long time ago I was running a trial based on an old Judges Guild legal system. On of the players noticed that Hiring a Litigation Trickster could get you a +10 modifier on the roll. Since his character was on trial he asks the Judge "Where can I hire a Litigation Trickster ?" Hilarity ensues.

[Kid Jake]

My very first session either DMing or playing I had a Dwarf private investigator type character break into a visiting elven noble's room and steal every one of his clothes while the guy was taking a bath, using the infallible logic that "If he doesn't want people to see his winky he'll have to answer my questions."

The guy immediately responded by calling for his guards. The guards were pretty polite given the circumstances and asked what the hell the dwarf was doing with their naked lord.

Dwarf responded by saying that he's keeping the noble naked until he gets what he wants, so the guards look at each other and load a crossbow bolt each.

Dwarf responds by leaping out of a 6th floor window (rather than fight or explain himself) and breaks everything. The guards come downstairs to try and find the dwarf and patch him up, but he uses the last of his strength to cover himself in leaves and dies undiscovered in a ditch. A few days later he traumatizes some Halfling children playing ball.

Player's response to the whole thing? "This game is hard..."

[Jay R]

This example of the party trying to steal the boats that they were about to be given (http://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?p=773).

[Brennan1214]

One of my players once tackled a shopkeeper in broad daylight in order to steal something that A. They didn't need and B. Cost a very small amount of money.

[Kalmageddon]

This guy was playing a Halfling Rogue in a campaign with me and others. We got to a town and went shopping. He wanted a magical dagger but didn't have enough money. He tries to haggle but fails. He leaves the store without buying anything.
Come night time, he says he sneaks into the closed store.
He then goes upstairs, where the house of the merchant was located, murders the shopkeeper then leaves.
The next day he goes to the shop, finds it's closed and crawling with city guards.

He loses it.
Starts screaming that it's not fair that they closed down the shop instead of giving it to a lower level NPC who surely was going to be more cooperative when told to put a better price on his merchandise. He told the guards this. He was dead 6 rounds later.

I would like to point out that the guy could have simply stolen the dagger when he sneaked inside the shop. It wasn't even locked up or anything, it was on the counter.

[Unseenmal]

Many years ago, while in college, I was part of a fairly large group. There were 2 rogues, myself and another player we'll call C. I am well versed in playing a rogue. C...is...well...not so much.

I could not play that night for some reason, so C played my char for me. He decided to make extra money by having us work as a team pick-pocketing people in the town square. His plan wasn't bad. His plan execution....well....not so much.

He tells the DM that his PC would bump into people and my PC would snatch their coin pouches since my skill was higher. That way if anyone questioned him about stealing, he had nothing on him. Not bad.

His first mark, a wealthy looking man in fine clothes, is spotted. He goes in for the bump and he decides to roll a completely un-needed STR check to see how hard he bumps the guy. The DM did not ask him for any roll to bump someone. It was all C's idea. Well C rolled a 20. The DM explains that the rest of us are looking on in shock as C spear-tackles the Duke of the area. C is quickly arrested and thrown in jail for assaulting a Nobleman.

I got the coin purse.

[RandomLunatic]

No personal stories, but I am just going to leave this (http://www.highprogrammer.com/alan/gaming/shadowrun/clue-files.html) here...

[DrBurr]

A couple weeks ago my players attempted to sneak into a city occupied by the big bad. After escaping the guards they hid out in the house of the Sorcerer's grandmother. When the guards came and knocked on the door immediately everyone started hiding in boxes, behind closed doors and under the bed, except the Cleric he grabs the lampshade and dons it as a hat like a loony tune. The Guards barge in and approach this strange lamp and pull the chain, immediately the Cleric (whose now wearing my lampshade in real life as well) says click in supernal and because of his paragon path this causes his head to light up.

He sadly failed his bluff check and then proceeded to just kill the guards in a surprise round.

[Raimun]

Hmm... there was this one time another player managed to start an improvised hostage situation that was eventually televised and ended up with him going to jail. Everyone else walked off scotfree.

[2E Phoinex]

So this happened in my current campaign where magic can only be owned by the state and Wizards who are not conscripted into the military are considered criminals. There was a Thief character named Conner who mocked a patrol of the Military's Wizards and got himself arrested. The rest of the party, including a rogue wizard in hiding, stayed in town to try and figure out a way to get him out of jail. Soon after, Conner sold out his friend the rogue wizard in exchange for his own freedom.

Then, after a strict warning from the Military Wizards that they would be keeping an eye on him, Conner proceeded to go to the nearest apothecary and try to buy poison. When a Military Wizard noticed him in that part of town Conner lured him into an alley way and murdered him. He then donned the wizard's robes and tried to impersonate him. This failed, and he was killed in a barrage of magic missiles.

The party chose not to resurrect Conner as this was not his first offense.

[Menevalgor]

I've got two stories.

I wasn't running this game but I was a witness. One player (in AD&D) was reforming a solo heist in a wealthy merchant's tower. He successfully sneaks up to the top of the tower, steals some boots of levitation, and infiltrates the merchant's private chambers. There's a huge safe in the room, and while the merchant is there, his back is turned and he's looking out his window. The thief decides to go for the backstab on him, but utterly fails (rolls a 1 or something). The merchant calls for guards, who come running in, and the thief decides to jump out the window. This window was ten stories up. He then dies trying to change his shoes mid-fall.

In this game I was running, one player (another halfling) decides that the best way to discover the whereabouts of a slave (in a Rome-like setting) the party want to rescue is to pretend to be a child and sell himself into slavery, and steal back the money his party members got for him for his new masters.

[The_Werebear]

This is more a success than a failure, but it's an entertaining enough story of criminal mischief that I think it warrants posting.

The party is pre-Peloponnesian War Greeks. They've been tasked with reassembling the Panoply of Achilles to fulfill a prophecy. They've tracked the Spear of Achilles down to a city far to the West of Greece, full of expansionist xenophobes with an excellent military tradition and a link to Aeneas, who took the spear with him as a trophy when he left Troy (Rome, for those who are rusty on their Aeniad). They arrive in the City, complain about them being uncultured Barbarians, and split up to look for the spear. Eventually, the Rhodian Slinger pays a local lad to lead them to it, and find it ensconced in a temple to Venus. Rather than doing any other legwork, they decide to return at night and swipe it.

I will point out here that every member of the party save one had rogue levels (Barbarian/Rogue/Ranger from Macedonia, Scout/Rogue Rhodian Slinger, Fighter/Rogue Spartan Warrior, and Fighter/Rogue Dacian Mercenary, with the exception being the Athenian Bard). Also, no one in the party spoke Latin save the Bard who had picked it up on a lark in character creation. So, the party of obvious foreigners who had been touring the temples early and asking through translators after the Spear of Achilles with remarkable bluntness showed up that night at the temple. They didn't bother to search for traps or scan it for magic, but simply barged in through a side door they'd noticed on the tour. This set off an alarm and summoned about 40 Ghostly Guardians, who locked shields and formed up around the spear. The party, realizing that they wouldn't likely have another chance, charged into them and began laying waste with everything they had.

They blew every daily feat, every magic item, nearly every ability use, and all the spells available. The Dacian even promised the Gods a sacrifice later if they gave him extra strength. Bloodied and worn, on their last legs, they dispersed the Ghost legionnaires, grabbed the spear, and barreled out through the front door. Straight into 20 elite temple guards who were responding to the alarms that they'd set. They stare at the party. The party stares at them. I call for rolled initiative and the Bard wins. He steps forward, triggers Fascinate, and proceeds to nat 20 a Perform: Oratory. Speaking in intentional broken Latin, he beings applauding the guards on the great show, and mentioning how the tour he hired of the area was so wonderful, and that the city was amazing. He begins asking the guards where the next spot on the tour was, how they patrolled the city, and what the temples were like during the day. While the guards are staring flabbergasted and locked on to the babbling Athenian, the rest of the party finally puts their rogue levels to use and sidles off the portico of the temple and into the alleyways.

By the time the Bard pauses for breath and the guards shake themselves back to alertness, the rest of the party is gone. One of the confused and angry temple elites asked where the rest of the group was. The Athenian, nearly maxing a bluff check, innocently asks "what others?" and politely points out that he is alone with the group, and has been the whole time. Continuing to be confused and angry, half the guards break off to search for the Spear while the others frog march the bard to their captain. The captain, groggy and unhappy to be awoken, becomes livid when he hears the spear was stolen. The bard repeats his confused tourist impersonation, and the captain becomes even more livid that the spear was lost and all the elites could turn up was an obviously mad and harmless Greek tourist. Using the apoplectic captain as a distraction the bard sneaks out as well.

On the other side of the city, the party breaks up and takes different routes in case of pursuit. They make a clean getaway back to their ship, save for the Rhodian, who happened to be the one with the spear. He runs into a patrol of guards who were more upset that he was armed than realizing he was escaping with a stolen heirloom. Not speaking the language, he bolts, taking advantage of his boosted move speed (+30 between items, feats, and class features). As he vaults up a building and over a wall, he yells in Phoenician that he has stolen the Spear of Achilles, and that Rome could go bugger itself."

The party sails off with the heirloom, bloodied, but appreciative of their Athenian in a way they never had been before. The Barbarian takes to using the spear, and the relations between Phoenician speaking Carthage and Rome take a sudden, unexpected downturn for reasons that are never fully explained, and within two generations, engage in the first of a massive series of wars.

[Wraith]

Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay (2nd Ed.), of which I was GMing.

After a particularly traumatic fight, one of my Players' PCs - definitely an Elf, but I forget the class, probably a Ranger or Archery-based soldier - was badly crit'd and tipped over the edge of his next Insanity roll, earning himself the Addiction: Alcohol derangement. He was so badly hurt and traumatised by the pain and period of rehabilitation that he now drinks to forget, sort of thing, is how it was justified.

Of course, being a High "and mighty" Elf, his concept of Imperial money was somewhat.... fluid. By which I mean, absent. So as the Players were looking for the next plot hook, he sat in the tavern drinking it dry, completely unable to pay his tab. Instead of, say, offering some of his equipment as a deposit or tapping one of the other PC's for a loan, this instead led to an Elan-esque attempt at "payment" (ie, "30ft per round movement rate").... which doesn't work so well when you're completely and utterly hammered.

He tried to run, jumped off his seat, failed every agility or coherence-related test that was given to him for doing so, and landed in a crumbled heap 3 feet down and 2 feet across from where he started. Unsurprisingly the landlord was not amused, confiscated his Elven Longbow in lieu of payment (which I intended to be retrieved later with an apology and repayment, had it ever gotten that far....), roughed him up and tossed him out of the door.

After a few hours - still quite drunk - the Elf was reunited with the rest of the party, but decided that he still held a grudge and wanted his bow back. Backed up by friends and full of liquid courage, he stomped back into the tavern, up to the bar..... And failed his Willpower roll to abstain from his addiction. He ordered more drinks, lost his chainmail shirt to 'pay' for them, and was tossed out on his pointy little ear again.

So far, you might be thinking that this is more 'unfortunate' than 'stupid'. Well, you're wrong - this happened three more times due to simple bloody mindedness, each time the Elf failing every test he took, slipping further into debt and ever deeper into Insanity as his addiction grew wildly out of control every time he took himself back into the tavern.

30 IRL minutes after ordering his first drink, that Elf had been stripped of all his belongings apart from his basic clothing because he had run up such a huge tab and was eventually reported to the City Guard for stealing (even the other Players would have struggled to pay his tab and the 'apology' bribe to get his stuff back)....

....Who he attempted to fight, unarmed, and run away from, drunkenly, because he still wanted to give the barman "a piece of his mind".

Ironically he very quickly didn't have much of a mind left to share, as the City Guards crit'd the hell out of him again (no armour, remember?), he gained more Insanity, and ended up chained to a wall in the asylum for being a raving, violent, deadbeat alcoholic. Character retired, here's a new sheet - all over a bottle or two of rat-piss quality wine.

And a good time was had by all. :smalltongue:

[aberratio ictus]

A couple weeks ago my players attempted to sneak into a city occupied by the big bad. After escaping the guards they hid out in the house of the Sorcerer's grandmother. When the guards came and knocked on the door immediately everyone started hiding in boxes, behind closed doors and under the bed, except the Cleric he grabs the lampshade and dons it as a hat like a loony tune. The Guards barge in and approach this strange lamp and pull the chain, immediately the Cleric (whose now wearing my lampshade in real life as well) says click in supernal and because of his paragon path this causes his head to light up.

He sadly failed his bluff check and then proceeded to just kill the guards in a surprise round.

That's not dumb, that's awesome.

[DM Nate]

That's not dumb, that's awesome.

I agree. I wish there was some way to upvote that story.

[Ksheep]

A few years back, playing in a campaign where the party was split into two groups. One of the groups had an audience with the King, but before entering they had to relinquish their weapons to the guards. One of the characters (a ranger, I think) refused to hand over his bow, as he had a very sentimental attachment to it, but he willingly handed over his quiver of arrows. The group went in, and the king started expositing. Ranger got bored after a while, and he started looking at his character sheet… then looked up and said "I shoot the King". Everyone started laughing, DM said "But the guards took your quiver of arrows".

"Did they take my glove?"

"No, why would they bother taking your glove"

"It's a glove of storing. Earlier, I had used it to store an arrow in case of emergency. I pull the arrow out and shoot the King."

DM allows it, he shoots and hits. The kicker? It was an Arrow of Slaying [Human]… and the King failed his Fort save. Died instantly. The party is immediately surrounded by guards, taken to the dungeons, and scheduled for execution the following day. The other half of the group arrives in the town the next day to see group A at the gallows, about to be executed, when a DMPC that was with group B goes and rescues them at the last minute. Oh, and because of these actions, the King's daughter took the throne, and she was a real pain to deal with…

[Aedilred]

WFRP(2)

We had quite a large party, led by a Bretonnian Knight Errant, comprising a Norse berserker, an engineering Student, a ranger of sorts, a zealot, an outrider, and a couple of other hangers-on who weren't always present. The bulk of the party was trekking through some godforsaken part of Middenland looking for an evil artifact (this was an unscripted part of Ashes of Middenheim) and eventually stopped at a small village with a coaching inn. The place was a bit of a backwater and they were pretty much the only travellers in the inn at the time.

Anyway, at some point some portion of the party decided it would be a great idea to steal some of the inn's horses while they were there. Their plan was to wait until the whole village was asleep, then sneak into the stable and steal the horses. They knew the knight wouldn't approve, so didn't tell him, and sent the ranger to steal the horses while the student was to rendezvous with her outside the village.

So eventually their fiendish plan was put into action. Of course, this was a small village in the middle of nowhere, so it was dark, lit only by moonlight. The ranger somehow managed to negotiate the stable's guard dog and get inside the stable, which was pitch black. She had also never been in the stable before (other characters had, but not her) so didn't know her way around, and hadn't thought to bring a lantern. After much stumbling around and crashing into things she managed to locate a horse she thought didn't already belong to the party. The commotion woke the dog up, which started barking. She now realised that the horse was unsaddled, and she had no idea how to saddle a horse. So she tried to mount bareback, at which point she remembered she didn't have any skill ranks in Ride.

Eventually, after a period of sustained incompetence, she managed to get herself half-on the horse, which promptly bolted, past all the baffled villagers, and off down the road to where the student was waiting, where she fell off and broke her arm. She and the student eventually managed to restrain the horse, patch her arm up, and waited for dawn, when they discovered that the horse was branded with the mark of the coaching line who owned the inn. Meanwhile, at breakfast, the rest of the party had been informed (with remarkable restraint on the part of the inn's owner) that one of the inn's horses had been stolen during the night.

So the next morning the party set off down the road, where the student and ranger met them with a half-baked story about how they'd acquired a horse and also broken the ranger's arm. The knight took one look at the horse, said "hey, this is the horse that was stolen from the inn last night!" and promptly sent the outrider back to the inn with the horse to return it.

[JeenLeen]

Mage The Ascension.

We were trying to... I forget the actual final goal, but something with helping or getting intel on a guy running for governor. We didn't know much, except that the Technocracy was giving money to his opponent, who was using that money to hire a hit man to kill him. (I think internal Technocracy politics were why the Technocracy didn't take him out themselves.)

We decide we need to watch him, so we decide to set up hidden cameras (with the help of a Virtual Adept ally) around his election office.
Players A and B's characters go there. Player C think it's a bad idea and his character stays. Cops spot us, which goes poorly and we retreat, getting a couple gunshot wounds.

Player C's character, without telling us, goes there that night and puts a notice on the door, signing it as Player B and I think threatening the candidate. Or it wasn't meant to sound like a threat, but it did. I should note that Player B's character was a known mage and thus had many crimes pinned on him by the local Technocracy. So it looked like a dangerous felon was threatening the candidate.

Funny and stupid part: next night Player B and C's characters go to set up the cameras. (Yes, Player C is now okay with it.) The place is surrounded by cops, who proceed to almost kill them as they escape. The players did not think that more guards would be posted after the threatening letter was put up.


Later event
Near the end of the game, my character was basically insane due to Mind resonance and the fact that he repeatably had his memory wiped and/or rewritten, he knows this is the case, and thus he can never trust if his current beliefs or motivations are true or false. (We did a lot of stuff that would get us executed by the Traditions, which at times my character needed to not know we did. Also, the best way to lie about something is to not know you are lying.)

My character was also the only one to suspect that his wife, an NPC an earlier party (who died by TPK) saved from a Nephandus was actually herself a Nephandus and had arranged for almost all mages in the town to be killed. I mentioned this to the other party members numerous times, but they dismissed it and I decided to go along with the group.

Final battle. We defeat Voormas, barely. One player was dead, I was almost dead, and one PC was decent. Victory yells all around, and the GM smiles and says, "You get hit by a Life attack. Roll Stamina." I roll poorly. "You just got killed by your wife."
Yep. Nephandi.
In a close fight, she killed the remaining PC, then used the McGuffins we and Voormas had to break the barrier keeping the Nephandi Archmasters from getting to earth.

Worse still. It occurred to me to try calling up her wraith to see if she was dead, but I never actually tried it. A shame; GM said that would've worked.
Stupider still. At one point I tried doing a powerful Mind ritual to scan her mind, in case she was hiding behind fake memories. GM asked, "So, you are going to be alone, defenseless due to the ritual, with just your wife who you suspect is a Nephandi?" I said yes, but thankfully I gave up on the ritual (too few successes and the difficulty was getting too high to risk a botch) before I succeeded and she just killed me.

[Sith_Happens]

From my first ever D&D 3.5 campaign:

The party, all of whom have just met, enter a hamlet that has just been attacked by an Ettin (we were supposed to be playing the Ettin's Riddle module). While the rest of the party splits up to help with repairs/cleanup and/or talk to people, the Rogue asks a random villager where the inn is and promptly murders him when he's too busy to stop and help her.

While the Rogue had made sure no one was looking before doing this, she proceeds to not hide the body, which is found within the hour. Turns out when someone turns up dead from a thin stab wound and you're the only one for miles with a rapier, it's pretty easy to pin the crime on you. Cue complete derailment of the module when the entire party is brought in for questioning.

From my first ever D&D 3.5 campaign that lasted longer than one session:

One day, the party Sorceress and Ranger suddenly announce that they've come up with a plan to make some extra cash by acting as fortune tellers... The real life kind.

It took ten minutes to explain to them why pretending to divine the future in a world full of people who actually can is a bad plan.

From campaign #3:

The party has just joined a CG assassin's guild. Our first assignment is secure the silence a bard who knows too much about the guild's activities and is writing a tell-all ode.

We're about ten seconds from successfully paying the target off when our Rogue announces that he sneaks up behind him and threatens him with his dagger. The bard is unimpressed and immediately raises his price by two-thirds. Our Archivist responds by beginning to summon a skeleton. The bard runs. We eventually catch him and convince him to perform something else, but still.:smallsigh:

[BrokenChord]

My very first session either DMing or playing I had a Dwarf private investigator type character break into a visiting elven noble's room and steal every one of his clothes while the guy was taking a bath, using the infallible logic that "If he doesn't want people to see his winky he'll have to answer my questions."

The guy immediately responded by calling for his guards. The guards were pretty polite given the circumstances and asked what the hell the dwarf was doing with their naked lord.

Dwarf responded by saying that he's keeping the noble naked until he gets what he wants, so the guards look at each other and load a crossbow bolt each.

Dwarf responds by leaping out of a 6th floor window (rather than fight or explain himself) and breaks everything. The guards come downstairs to try and find the dwarf and patch him up, but he uses the last of his strength to cover himself in leaves and dies undiscovered in a ditch. A few days later he traumatizes some Halfling children playing ball.

Player's response to the whole thing? "This game is hard..."

Wait, I saw that on the comic. That's a true story!?

[Sidmen]

Just a few weeks ago...

The players had just returned from a successful raid on a neighboring lord, which they conducted at the behest of their Lord - with a dozen slaves in tow. After reporting to their Lord of their success, he informs them that - apparently the local Duke had asked him to stop with the squabbling, and his bastard son was in town to enforce it. They promise to be silent about their previous orders, and one player goes out to ensure their slaves' silence.

He goes back to the group's caravan and I describe the street as bustling with activity, the group's soldiers have created a temporary little marketplace around the carts as they spend their earnings and sell their loot. So, the player walks up to a captured soldier and says "I need you to be quiet."

To which the response is "Quiet about what, sir?" said in a defeated voice.

He then stabs the man in the heart, followed by killing the other eleven. In broad daylight, while they're still wearing the uniforms of the neighboring lord's army.

He was quickly thrown in prison, and the rest of the group sold out their Lord to the Duke's Bastard for some cash before breaking him out of prison (using baking soda + vinegar distractions in the guard room) and fleeing the country.

[Rodimal]

I agree. I wish there was some way to upvote that story.
For this especially we need a like button.

[Elurindel]

Black Crusade:

The group consists of an Iron Warrior, a Renegade who identifies as a space pirate, and a Heretek (a rogue techpriest, supposedly intelligent.).

They are infiltrating an Imperial space station that mines the local asteroids for Promethium and are attempting to steal the whole station. They decide that they need explosives, so they go to raid the shuttle bay for promethium. Prior to this, the Heretek had taken up a Daemon Weapon that had seized control of his brain, but had decided to wait until the right moment to cause maximum havoc, so the Heretek was in control.
They infiltrate the shuttle bay just fine, and begin siphoning promethium from the gas tanks of the shuttles in order to jury-rig a giant firebomb, on the grounds that explosives are useful in any future planning. After a few cans have been filled up, a Techpriest ambles in to do a maintenance check. They order him to freeze, which the Techpriest does for fear of dying.
The Heretek then says "I plug into his brain and try to hack it for knowlede."
Everybody else is stunned by this. Unbeknownst to anybody but the Heretek, the Techpriest is letting out a distress call in Binary through a radio built into his throat. I tell the Heretek this, who simply continues to try and hack the Techpriest's brain while the others scream at him out of character. He carries on hacking the techpriest's brain and is surprised when a squad of guard arrive, protesting that "I didn't realise he was transmitting special light-speed radio waves." sarcastically, at which point everybody points out that radio waves travel at light speed! At this point the daemon weapon fires at the promethium containers,partially incinerating everybody, and especially killing the Heretek.

[Dasgovernator]

I have 2, both from the same player.

The first one was back in town, and the party Rouge was shopping for some magical items. He was doing some good roleplay haggling, arguing over a bunch of different items while deciding what he actually wanted. At the end of it I saw his eyes light up, and he said:

"So all of [the stuff we mentioned] is on the table"?
"Yes"
"Great, I stab the clerk in the throat and take all of it"

Hilariously he managed a Nat 1 on the roll, and which point the clerk (who was a wizard) picked up the wand of hold person and froze him in place long enough for the summoned monsters to kill him. The shop keeps his embalmed body hanging on a sign at the front of the store under the phrase "Thieves beware!"

The second story involves the party tasked with rooting out which member of a court was a doppelganger in disguise. While the rest of the party was looking over which divinations to try to cast and narrowing down the list of potential suspects, the player's new character, an inquisitor, came up with the brilliant idea that since the Doppelganger shifts back to her true form when she's killed, he should just start murdering the most likely candidates and that "The cleric'll sort them out later".

Needless to say, he was immediately arrested and summarily executed, and the doppelganger was able to use this to turn the King against the party.

[The_Werebear]

The second story involves the party tasked with rooting out which member of a court was a doppelganger in disguise. While the rest of the party was looking over which divinations to try to cast and narrowing down the list of potential suspects, the player's new character, an inquisitor, came up with the brilliant idea that since the Doppelganger shifts back to her true form when she's killed, he should just start murdering the most likely candidates and that "The cleric'll sort them out later".

Needless to say, he was immediately arrested and summarily executed, and the doppelganger was able to use this to turn the King against the party.

....But a True Seeing is the same level spell as Raise Dead with a cheaper component...

[Dasgovernator]

....But a True Seeing is the same level spell as Raise Dead with a cheaper component...

True seeing works later (cleric didn't have it prepared). Murder works now :smallbiggrin:

To be entirely fair, he was a pretty new player and I don't think he knew very much about what the cleric could cast. The party wasn't a high enough level at that point for either spell.

[The_Werebear]

True seeing works later (cleric didn't have it prepared). Murder works now :smallbiggrin:

To be entirely fair, he was a pretty new player and I don't think he knew very much about what the cleric could cast. The party wasn't a high enough level at that point for either spell.

True. And the dumbest criminals were asked for, not reasonable solutions :smallamused:

[Mr Beer]

A couple weeks ago my players attempted to sneak into a city occupied by the big bad. After escaping the guards they hid out in the house of the Sorcerer's grandmother. When the guards came and knocked on the door immediately everyone started hiding in boxes, behind closed doors and under the bed, except the Cleric he grabs the lampshade and dons it as a hat like a loony tune. The Guards barge in and approach this strange lamp and pull the chain, immediately the Cleric (whose now wearing my lampshade in real life as well) says click in supernal and because of his paragon path this causes his head to light up.

He sadly failed his bluff check and then proceeded to just kill the guards in a surprise round.

Presumably to the tune of Yaketty Sax.

[Kid Jake]

Wait, I saw that on the comic. That's a true story!?

Yeah it's 100% true, basically recounted word for word. The only embellishment in the comic is the addition of a second person. My very first campaign lasted just over a minute, two if you count the brief description I gave of the city beforehand and discouraged me enough that I just tossed my binder in the trash and tried out other hobbies for a year or two.

Years later, I've decided to embrace his insanity and he's playing Roger McCrow/Agent Mann in the M&M game I've been recording. McCrow seems like he should go on the list somewhere, but so far everything's worked out for him damned near perfectly.

[Sith_Happens]

Years later, I've decided to embrace his insanity and he's playing Roger McCrow/Agent Mann in the M&M game I've been recording.

WHAAAAAAAAAA...:smallconfused:

[Razanir]

They had punched a hole in the wall of their hideout/house by mistake. So naturally, they had to steal a painting to cover up said hole.

[Kid Jake]

WHAAAAAAAAAA...:smallconfused:

Yeah, when we were teenagers we tried a couple of systems but he always found a way to kill himself within minutes of starting. Either he'd jump out of a high window to avoid an awkward conversation, suicide bomb a street gang or (my personal favorite) blow up his own ship to get rid of a minor mynock infestation. He maintains that he wasn't trying to be disruptive, it just made sense at the time.

One of the reasons we started Mutants and Masterminds this time around, it's easier to let him limp away if he gets a 'great idea'. First game with him that ever had a second session :smalltongue:

[Sith_Happens]

Yeah, when we were teenagers we tried a couple of systems but he always found a way to kill himself within minutes of starting. Either he'd jump out of a high window to avoid an awkward conversation, suicide bomb a street gang or (my personal favorite) blow up his own ship to get rid of a minor mynock infestation. He maintains that he wasn't trying to be disruptive, it just made sense at the time.

One of the reasons we started Mutants and Masterminds this time around, it's easier to let him limp away if he gets a 'great idea'. First game with him that ever had a second session :smalltongue:

Actually, the more I think about this revelation the less surprised I am. "The local Mafia boss fired me from one of his front businesses, the obvious response is to systematically destroy his entire organization." If it wasn't incredibly hard to die in M&M that plan would have ended more or less like the others.

[Kid Jake]

Actually, the more I think about this revelation the less surprised I am. "The local Mafia boss fired me from one of his front businesses, the obvious response is to systematically destroy his entire organization." If it wasn't incredibly hard to die in M&M that plan would have ended more or less like the others.

Yeah, we did a Pokemon one-shot recently where his first response was to just knife anything he found, mostly ignoring actually catching Pokemon. He had a little Ratatta fur industry going and had taken to mugging trainers on the road for cash, Pokeballs and badges (big with collectors) until things took a bad turn and he ended up killing an overconfident new trainer from Pallet town. He hocked the kid's Charmander to a shady Pokemon dealer he knew and was pursued by the Pokethourity's until well...let's just say that in a 10 year old vs Arcanine, the 10 year old doesn't fair well.


I've been trying to find a group for Shadowrun because I'd like to see just how many characters he can go through in (unintentionally) hilarious ways in one session.

[Segev]

I've been trying to find a group for Shadowrun because I'd like to see just how many characters he can go through in (unintentionally) hilarious ways in one session.

Why not Paranoia?

[Kid Jake]

That's a fantastic idea, but I've never played it before. Always wanted to though and him and his gf (who plays Tiffany in the same game) would be the perfect kind of people to start with.

[Ksheep]

Yeah, when we were teenagers we tried a couple of systems but he always found a way to kill himself within minutes of starting. Either he'd jump out of a high window to avoid an awkward conversation, suicide bomb a street gang or (my personal favorite) blow up his own ship to get rid of a minor mynock infestation. He maintains that he wasn't trying to be disruptive, it just made sense at the time.

One of the reasons we started Mutants and Masterminds this time around, it's easier to let him limp away if he gets a 'great idea'. First game with him that ever had a second session :smalltongue:

Reminds me of a story I heard about the Firefly RPG, when one of the players decided the best way to kill off the people trying to hijack the ship was to hold on to something and open the door while in deep space. Too bad there are rules for that… rules that say "Roll all the dice you have available. Everyone takes that much damage."

Oh, and a second vote for trying Paranoia with your group.

[Necroticplague]

Why not Paranoia?

Dang it, I was gonna suggest that.

[Rater202]

Yeah, we did a Pokemon one-shot recently where his first response was to just knife anything he found, mostly ignoring actually catching Pokemon. He had a little Ratatta fur industry going and had taken to mugging trainers on the road for cash, Pokeballs and badges (big with collectors) until things took a bad turn and he ended up killing an overconfident new trainer from Pallet town. He hocked the kid's Charmander to a shady Pokemon dealer he knew and was pursued by the Pokethourity's until well...let's just say that in a 10 year old vs Arcanine, the 10 year old doesn't fair well.

...So he killed Red? That bastard. Now who'll stop Team Rocket?

Have you ever noticed that in just about every medium, the Police in Pokemon are the most useless cops. When you need to rely on Tenyear olds to stop international criminal organizations Repatedly

[Sith_Happens]

Yeah, we did a Pokemon one-shot recently where his first response was to just knife anything he found, mostly ignoring actually catching Pokemon. He had a little Ratatta fur industry going and had taken to mugging trainers on the road for cash, Pokeballs and badges (big with collectors) until things took a bad turn and he ended up killing an overconfident new trainer from Pallet town. He hocked the kid's Charmander to a shady Pokemon dealer he knew and was pursued by the Pokethourity's until well...let's just say that in a 10 year old vs Arcanine, the 10 year old doesn't fair well.

I'm surprised he lasted nearly as long as he did. The thing about mugging Pokemon trainers with a knife is... they all have Pokemon.

[Kid Jake]

...So he killed Red? That bastard. Now who'll stop Team Rocket?

Have you ever noticed that in just about every medium, the Police in Pokemon are the most useless cops. When you need to rely on Tenyear olds to stop international criminal organizations Repatedly

In his defense, he just stabbed Red. It was sort of his own fault that he left home without knowing how to properly dress a stab wound. :smallwink:

In the game we were playing though the cops were basically non-existent, the PCs were trainers out in a small town in the boonies that was basically one big ghetto. The backstory for both of them involved their mother being a drug addled prostitute (after hearing that they had the same idea they decided that maybe they were brothers. Maybe. Nobody kept track of who's baby was who's, they just chocked 'em all in the 'baby room' until they were old enough to be useful.) and the two of them were just the most prominent of the local delinquents. McCrow's player played an overly macho survivalist type that invested all of his points into knife-fighting and wilderness training and spent most of his time hunting, while Fanboy's player played a drug dealing con-artist (keep in mind, they both frequently acknowledge that, and even act like, they're 10 years old) who happily worked for their mother's pimp. We naturally treated Pokemon duels like elemental dog-fighting.

The police only got involved after a rich kid was found dead and stripped of valuables on the road. The PCs tried to join Team Rocket for some extra protection, but they'd already ambushed a member (they considered Rocket's presence grounds for a turf war at the time since THEY wanted to be the #1 Pokemon gang) and sold his Pokemon so that didn't go over so well.

I should point out that at no point when I was statting out Pokemon or pitching the game did I even hint that this should be a gritty, brutal take on the series. I told them that they were going to basically play the background characters from the games (The Bugcatchers and Youngsters who had to catch their own Pokemon the old fashioned way instead of having their first one just given to them.) and that they should make a couple of kids that would fit that well. They reveal their sordid histories as we sit down at the table and it turned from Mayberry into Thunderdome in the span of about two sentences.



I'm surprised he lasted nearly as long as he did. The thing about mugging Pokemon trainers with a knife is... they all have Pokemon.

They had a few Pokemon of their own and one of them would usually challenge the trainer to a battle while the other would sneak up behind to attack him while he was distracted. Most kids react pretty badly to getting stabbed in the kidneys, plus anyone remotely local knew that these guys were crazy and not to be provoked, so they'd panic and give them what they wanted. The only one that really managed to fight back watched his Mankey get skinned and turned into a vest. No idea how, the PCs were both statted as PL3 (in Mutants and Masterminds) while Mankey was PL8 or so, but lucky rolls abounded and they took it as an affirmation that they were invincible.



Also, I'm picking up a copy of Paranoia on everyone's suggestion and I'm going to see how it goes.

[Sith_Happens]

plus anyone remotely local knew that these guys were crazy and not to be provoked

That's just why you send out one Pokemon to do battle and a second to watch your back.

[braveheart]

one time my party was in the city and saw a little girl and two men in an alley the men said "aren't you a little young to be in the streets alone" we assumed that they were rapists and without hesitation killed the men. the girl was ditching school and the men were truancy officers

[Rater202]

one time my party was in the city and saw a little girl and two men in an alley the men said "aren't you a little young to be in the streets alone" we assumed that they were rapists and without hesitation killed the men. the girl was ditching school and the men were truancy officers

*Laughs ass off*