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NowhereMan583
2014-07-12, 06:40 PM
In the campaign I'm currently running (This one (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?358929-Campaign-Log-Brothels-Archaeology-Mutants-and-Other-Questionable-Elements-(PF)), if you're curious) my players have found out that the spy network they've had some dealings with has pressed a hive of atomies (http://www.d20pfsrd.com/bestiary/monster-listings/fey/atomie) into involuntary service. The PCs have decided to hijack the information being reported, and have bribed the hive into giving them copies of all the documents they send to the Royal Intelligence Corps. At some point in the next session or two, I need to give them a stack of reports, and I want the majority of those to be fairly useless -- so I need help generating them.

It's been established that the local fey have an excessively cruel sense of humor (the players have heard some "hilarious" stories about pranks involving snakes, and one of the atomies they met gave a PC a leaf covered in contact poison disguised as a helpful map), short memories, and a way of viewing the world that doesn't quite match the humanoid perspective (the aforementioned bribe included "enough mead to drown three crows", which seems more a unit of measurement than a statement of intent).

Anyway, the point is, I need a bunch of very brief and barely-comprehensible "intelligence reports", and I was hoping the great minds of the Playground could give me some ideas.

Flashy
2014-07-12, 08:14 PM
You seem to have given them a really charming metaphorical approach to language and measurement which I tried to replicate in my suggestions. I also named places and things largely at random, since that can only confuse everything further and it's not like they'd use the human names. The only name I use consistently is Place of the Loud Yelling for Noroiras.


Sighted four ravens flying north over the glen yesterday morning. Dawn awaits?
A human child wandered on Little King's Hill for six long dances the day before yesterday. Chased a rabbit. Rabbit reports no harm done, but who can trust a rabbit? Child had blonde hair, green shoes. Further reports to follow.
Send more mead.
Fourteen foot humans with giant eyes and skin made of butter visited the Place of the Loud Yelling today. Met with normal human leader. Formed alliance. (Deliberately vague language. The players can wonder if they're supposed to be fourteen-foot humans or fourteen foot-humans?)
Beautiful sunset last night.
Waterbarrel is ready, the moonlight dapples the soft grass.
Have again spotted human child who chased rabbit on Little King's Hill!!! It was playing down by the Brook that Goes Through the Trees. Hair was brown this time, but the shoes were the same!!!!! When we questioned the frogs who live by the Tree Near the Bend they said it stayed to splash in the water for about five long dances and a waltz, though it did not chase the frogs the way it chased the rabbit. Told the frogs to be careful. Further reports to follow.
[Atomie 1] married [Atomie 2] today. Beautiful.
A pair of she-wolves have moved into the old cave behind Fat Gully. Spoke with [Atomie 3] all afternoon. Very nice wolves, pleased to have them around. Spies will watch them.
A towering giant with the head of a badger tried to get the secrets of these reports today, but we outwitted it and saved all the humans.
Some people gave us enough mead to drown three crows yesterday in exchange for copies of our excellent spying reports. The mead is very good.
Send more mead.
The Human Child with Green Shoes has appeared AGAIN!!!!!!!!! It was running back and forth behind the hedge next to the big stone path to The Place of the Loud Yelling, trying to catch a butterfly. Hair was blonde again, but this time the human seemed much shorter. Please send us information about the powers of transformation that human children possess, so that we can better identify the Child with Green Shoes when it appears again. Further reports to follow.
The centipedes say there are more woodlice this year.
The beetle sings at midnight.
Spies found The Human Child with Green Shoes again yesterday, in the Meadow under the Hill!!!! The hair was brown again, so it seems to have reverted to its previous form. It was picking flowers, and running back and forth and upsetting our friends The Bees who Live in the Oldest Oak. [Atomie 4], our bravest and best spy, hid three Biting Lizards and a jar of hornets in the child's bag when it wasn't looking. The screaming was deeply funny. Suggest more mead as a reward. Should stop the child for a time. Further reports to follow.
Send more mead.



Pretty much just a random collection of things they happened to see, cryptic gibberish, pointless community gossip, obviously fabricated nonsense and try-hard over-investigations of things that have no real bearing on human affairs whatsoever. I was trying to make it feel like some poor intelligence bureaucrat wasted days out of his life trying to get them to understand spying, with only the most superficial kind of success.

Townopolis
2014-07-12, 09:15 PM
If the atomies have short memories, is the spy ring repeatedly pressing them into service (every time they forget they've been pressed into service)? If so, they could write a report about it every time. Additional suggestions:

Eighty-two Cows sober three whole months. Local law growing as a result. Bad. Very bad. Placed mushrooms in three times three minus three cooking pots to restore chaos.
Very dirty rag person approached human in fish armor, gave Fish Armor magic ring, warned Fish Armor of repercussions for betrayal. Then elf shot Rag Person with a bow. We believe Fish Armor betrayed Rag Person, so helped him escape.
Pressed into service as spies. Now there are spies everywhere. Nothing is safe or secret anymore with spies everywhere. Must find better hiding place for rubies--somewhere we can't find them (we are spies).
Rubies have been hidden in bushes. Not telling which bushes--spies might find out.
[Atomie] placed contact poison on copies of intelligence reports. Will be very funny when the people find out.
Spied on humans today. Humans did nothing interesting. Planning something? IS THIS A RUSE?
A human killed another human. Very quick. Very boring.
Local law growing. Very bad. Suspect Eighty-two Cows. Placed snakes in seven right shoes and three left shoes to restore chaos.
Winter is coming.


Also, depending on how magic/the fey work in your world, you could have them assemble a thorough list of where everyone leaves/disposes of their old hair, nail clippings, etc... Also which houses are or are not guarded by iron, where the salt is being stored, and so forth--stuff that would be important to a fey, but not necessarily anyone else.

Cyrion
2014-07-12, 10:34 PM
If you need something a little more humanocentric, go out and find some random person's twitter feed and do a little bit of creative editing.

mr_odd
2014-07-12, 10:56 PM
If you need something a little more humanocentric, go out and find some random person's twitter feed and do a little bit of creative editing.

This. Or some random suggestions...

-Bardabare plays at the midnight hours.
-Shipment too soon. Need more delays.
-Whatever were you thinking? People don't use spell books as weapons.
-I sit. I wait. I stare. I watch. I cower. I fear. It comes.

NowhereMan583
2014-07-13, 12:02 AM
These are all brilliant. Also, I laughed out loud at the repeated "send more mead" messages.


If the atomies have short memories, is the spy ring repeatedly pressing them into service (every time they forget they've been pressed into service)?

The Royal Intelligence Corps are holding one of their hive hostage to ensure cooperation. Presumably, they've kept the racket going this long by having more-or-less-daily conversations with each other along the lines of "whatever happened to this guy", and enough of them remember day-to-day that it still works. Eventually, however, this will stop working -- they can't possibly continue caring about the welfare of the hostage when nobody's seen him for months and he's become some barely-remembered abstraction.