Jay R
2014-07-17, 06:31 AM
A couple of decades ago, Peter Anspruch and friends compiled the Evil Overlord list.
I wrote some additions, purely for my own amusement. I recently posted some of them, and ChaosArchon asked to see more of them. So here they are, for anybody who cares.
Jay R’s Evil Overlord Rules:
1. I will not line the walls of my flammable chateau with torches.
2. My carpets will be nailed down.
3. No room, even my throne room, that is ever likely to have prisoners in it, will be decorated by hanging weapons on the walls.
4. Only one copy of the plans for my headquarters will ever show the escape tunnel from my private quarters, and that copy will be kept locked up in my private quarters. The outside entrance will be located in the middle of the deadly quicksand swamp, guarded by wyverns. The only key will be kept on my person. Notwithstanding all of these precautions, no such tunnel will ever be built.
5. The exterior of my castle will not be made of sturdy, impressive looking granite. It will be made of dull, boring adobe, which flakes off when you try to scale the walls.
6. My enemy doesn’t have to remain alive so that he’ll know that I’ve beaten him. It’s enough that his head is on a pike in my courtyard. I'll know I’ve beaten him, and it’s what we think of ourselves that’s important.
7. The letter “Z”, the sign of the bat, the scarlet pimpernel, or any other symbol invented by my enemy will be immediately used as a trademark for a brand of disposable diapers or fat-free yogurt. Carved into a wall, it will neither inspire the peasants nor terrify my guards.
8. I will confide in one trusted lieutenant that many years ago a wizard put a curse on me that if one who is true of heart tries to kill himself in my presence, he will survive, and I will die instead. The curse is, of course, entirely spurious.
9. I will offer monthly cash prizes for the worst news brought to me by one of my subjects. When the hero escapes, I want to hear about it, damn it!
10. If I ever find an ultimate super-weapon that can only be used once, I will not save it for a crucial moment when I am under siege and the hero is just as close to it as I am. I will fire it immediately at a cardboard target on a firing range, alone.
11. The captured hero need not be brought to my throne room. His head will be brought to my throne room, his heart to the security station, and his liver left where he was captured.
12. I will set strict standards for personal honor and honesty, cultivating a reputation as a totally honorable villain. I will do this by telling the truth whenever possible, combined with a strict policy that all double-crosses must be instantly fatal to the recipient.
13. I will not raise my enemy’s daughter as my own. If I am tempted to do so because such beauty must be preserved, I will instead use her as fertilizer for my rose garden.
14. No trees will be allowed to grow near palace windows.
15. All guards will be trained that the phrase “Such-and such happened – should we raise the drawbridge?” is unacceptable. Better is “… so we raised the drawbridge immediately.” Best of all is “ … but it’s all right because the drawbridge was up just like it’s supposed to be.”
16. I will start an entertainer’s college to train all the jesters, bards, jugglers and fools I require. Unknown performers seeking entrance are to be used for target practice.
17. Any tall, ruggedly handsome man who is too mild-mannered or effete to carry a sword or gun will be put to death. Real wimps look like wimps.
18. The first handsome but indolent man who idly inquires about my plan to capture the masked outlaw will be arrested immediately. I will then tell him, “That’s my plan to capture the masked outlaw.”
19. I will never use the fatally ambiguous phrase “the only one I can trust,” which blurs the crucial distinction between “loyal servant” and “competent servant”.
20. If my plan to destroy the hero requires slaying innocent people, and the hero asks me how I could do such a horrible thing, I won’t tell him; I’ll show him.
21. I will not sneer at or insult any of my servants. It always comes back to haunt you.
22. All merchants will be instructed to report any man who buys black bridal satin, or any other girly fabric that men never wear except to fight injustice.
23. In any public competition I hold, all finalists not in my direct employ will be shot – before the competition ends.
24. I will employ an automatic device to send random Morse code messages throughout my dungeons about escape, tunnels, changes of the guard, etc.
25. Prisoners will be shaved and bathed every day for easy identification. They will also be dyed purple.
26. A prisoner who dies in my dungeons will not be sewn into a bag and dropped into the sea or buried in a shallow grave – he will be mulched.
27. My enemy will not be left to rot on a desert island – he will be shot. The personal touch means so much to people.
28. I will not employ my enemy’s estranged childhood friend to capture him because “you know how he thinks.” Everybody knows how the hero thinks.
29. I will always show a proper appreciation for the literary requirements. When the hero is captured and about to die, I will not make a speech about my triumph. That just marks the climax of an adventure story, when the hero is about to win. I will let him make a speech, as required by the poetic structure of a tragedy, in which the hero dies a noble death.
30. I will be a caring and protective ruler, concerned with the health and well-being of my people. Accordingly, if any child sees his parents murdered, I will have the child put into the care of a competent psychiatrist who can prevent his trauma from developing into a harmful and annoying obsession about devoting his life to the cause of justice.
31. Under penalty of death, no priestly vestments will include a hood or other face-obscuring accessory. Furthermore, the only approved clerical attire for visiting prisons and gallows will be designed by Speedo.
32. A hero who has lied to me or my minions (as is necessary in most plans to sneak into my fortress in disguise) has forfeited any right to hold me to a standard of truthfulness. Let’s remember which of us is supposed to be evil, shall we?
33. If I lock up the charming but insolent masked outlaw, and then return later to find him gone and the cell occupied instead by my charming but insolent friend (coincidentally the same height and weight), then I won’t release him; I’ll have him shot. If the masked outlaw returns, I will apologize and build my friend a proper memorial.
34. If one of my servants really wants to tell me something before I light the fuse, then I will listen before I light the fuse.
35. When engaged in a hand-to-hand fight with my enemy, I will utter a taunting but lame insult. Since I know he will stop fighting for a moment to respond immediately with a much wittier insult, a sardonic smile, and a stalwart pose, that’s the time to strike.
36. When engaged in a search, guards will be instructed to pull the beards of all bearded passers-by.
37. Chandelier ropes in my castle will not be strong enough to support the weight of a man.
38. All vines growing near or on my castle will be covered with thorns.
39. No vines will be allowed to grow up my castle wall. The vine-like thing visible on the outer walls will actually be disguised electrical fencing.
40. When I capture the hero and his beautiful girlfriend, I will not slap him when he utters a brassy and defiant insult. That only encourages him. I will slap the girl.
41. When a common enemy appears, I will not make a temporary pact with the hero. He’s the hero – he has to face the monster. I will blow up the planet they meet on.
42. I will not be “amused by the pitiful efforts” of my foe. I will be amused by shooting him.
43. All floor plans of my palace will have the words “throne room” and “death trap” switched.
44. I will not wait for the music to crescendo before pulling the switch.
45. On the first day after my triumph, everyone will hear a brilliant song lampooning me, as the latest worker of Drogo the jester. On the second day, Drogo will not be found.
46. I will not fight near a cliff, rooftop, catwalk, bridge, or other high place.
47. I will not pursue bands of outlaws into the forest; I will burn the forest down.
48. My legions will be taught to shoot straight. My legions will be taught to shoot straight. My legions will be taught to shoot straight.
49. I will not build a secret tunnel into my headquarters. It's my headquarters - I’m allowed to walk in the front gate.
I wrote some additions, purely for my own amusement. I recently posted some of them, and ChaosArchon asked to see more of them. So here they are, for anybody who cares.
Jay R’s Evil Overlord Rules:
1. I will not line the walls of my flammable chateau with torches.
2. My carpets will be nailed down.
3. No room, even my throne room, that is ever likely to have prisoners in it, will be decorated by hanging weapons on the walls.
4. Only one copy of the plans for my headquarters will ever show the escape tunnel from my private quarters, and that copy will be kept locked up in my private quarters. The outside entrance will be located in the middle of the deadly quicksand swamp, guarded by wyverns. The only key will be kept on my person. Notwithstanding all of these precautions, no such tunnel will ever be built.
5. The exterior of my castle will not be made of sturdy, impressive looking granite. It will be made of dull, boring adobe, which flakes off when you try to scale the walls.
6. My enemy doesn’t have to remain alive so that he’ll know that I’ve beaten him. It’s enough that his head is on a pike in my courtyard. I'll know I’ve beaten him, and it’s what we think of ourselves that’s important.
7. The letter “Z”, the sign of the bat, the scarlet pimpernel, or any other symbol invented by my enemy will be immediately used as a trademark for a brand of disposable diapers or fat-free yogurt. Carved into a wall, it will neither inspire the peasants nor terrify my guards.
8. I will confide in one trusted lieutenant that many years ago a wizard put a curse on me that if one who is true of heart tries to kill himself in my presence, he will survive, and I will die instead. The curse is, of course, entirely spurious.
9. I will offer monthly cash prizes for the worst news brought to me by one of my subjects. When the hero escapes, I want to hear about it, damn it!
10. If I ever find an ultimate super-weapon that can only be used once, I will not save it for a crucial moment when I am under siege and the hero is just as close to it as I am. I will fire it immediately at a cardboard target on a firing range, alone.
11. The captured hero need not be brought to my throne room. His head will be brought to my throne room, his heart to the security station, and his liver left where he was captured.
12. I will set strict standards for personal honor and honesty, cultivating a reputation as a totally honorable villain. I will do this by telling the truth whenever possible, combined with a strict policy that all double-crosses must be instantly fatal to the recipient.
13. I will not raise my enemy’s daughter as my own. If I am tempted to do so because such beauty must be preserved, I will instead use her as fertilizer for my rose garden.
14. No trees will be allowed to grow near palace windows.
15. All guards will be trained that the phrase “Such-and such happened – should we raise the drawbridge?” is unacceptable. Better is “… so we raised the drawbridge immediately.” Best of all is “ … but it’s all right because the drawbridge was up just like it’s supposed to be.”
16. I will start an entertainer’s college to train all the jesters, bards, jugglers and fools I require. Unknown performers seeking entrance are to be used for target practice.
17. Any tall, ruggedly handsome man who is too mild-mannered or effete to carry a sword or gun will be put to death. Real wimps look like wimps.
18. The first handsome but indolent man who idly inquires about my plan to capture the masked outlaw will be arrested immediately. I will then tell him, “That’s my plan to capture the masked outlaw.”
19. I will never use the fatally ambiguous phrase “the only one I can trust,” which blurs the crucial distinction between “loyal servant” and “competent servant”.
20. If my plan to destroy the hero requires slaying innocent people, and the hero asks me how I could do such a horrible thing, I won’t tell him; I’ll show him.
21. I will not sneer at or insult any of my servants. It always comes back to haunt you.
22. All merchants will be instructed to report any man who buys black bridal satin, or any other girly fabric that men never wear except to fight injustice.
23. In any public competition I hold, all finalists not in my direct employ will be shot – before the competition ends.
24. I will employ an automatic device to send random Morse code messages throughout my dungeons about escape, tunnels, changes of the guard, etc.
25. Prisoners will be shaved and bathed every day for easy identification. They will also be dyed purple.
26. A prisoner who dies in my dungeons will not be sewn into a bag and dropped into the sea or buried in a shallow grave – he will be mulched.
27. My enemy will not be left to rot on a desert island – he will be shot. The personal touch means so much to people.
28. I will not employ my enemy’s estranged childhood friend to capture him because “you know how he thinks.” Everybody knows how the hero thinks.
29. I will always show a proper appreciation for the literary requirements. When the hero is captured and about to die, I will not make a speech about my triumph. That just marks the climax of an adventure story, when the hero is about to win. I will let him make a speech, as required by the poetic structure of a tragedy, in which the hero dies a noble death.
30. I will be a caring and protective ruler, concerned with the health and well-being of my people. Accordingly, if any child sees his parents murdered, I will have the child put into the care of a competent psychiatrist who can prevent his trauma from developing into a harmful and annoying obsession about devoting his life to the cause of justice.
31. Under penalty of death, no priestly vestments will include a hood or other face-obscuring accessory. Furthermore, the only approved clerical attire for visiting prisons and gallows will be designed by Speedo.
32. A hero who has lied to me or my minions (as is necessary in most plans to sneak into my fortress in disguise) has forfeited any right to hold me to a standard of truthfulness. Let’s remember which of us is supposed to be evil, shall we?
33. If I lock up the charming but insolent masked outlaw, and then return later to find him gone and the cell occupied instead by my charming but insolent friend (coincidentally the same height and weight), then I won’t release him; I’ll have him shot. If the masked outlaw returns, I will apologize and build my friend a proper memorial.
34. If one of my servants really wants to tell me something before I light the fuse, then I will listen before I light the fuse.
35. When engaged in a hand-to-hand fight with my enemy, I will utter a taunting but lame insult. Since I know he will stop fighting for a moment to respond immediately with a much wittier insult, a sardonic smile, and a stalwart pose, that’s the time to strike.
36. When engaged in a search, guards will be instructed to pull the beards of all bearded passers-by.
37. Chandelier ropes in my castle will not be strong enough to support the weight of a man.
38. All vines growing near or on my castle will be covered with thorns.
39. No vines will be allowed to grow up my castle wall. The vine-like thing visible on the outer walls will actually be disguised electrical fencing.
40. When I capture the hero and his beautiful girlfriend, I will not slap him when he utters a brassy and defiant insult. That only encourages him. I will slap the girl.
41. When a common enemy appears, I will not make a temporary pact with the hero. He’s the hero – he has to face the monster. I will blow up the planet they meet on.
42. I will not be “amused by the pitiful efforts” of my foe. I will be amused by shooting him.
43. All floor plans of my palace will have the words “throne room” and “death trap” switched.
44. I will not wait for the music to crescendo before pulling the switch.
45. On the first day after my triumph, everyone will hear a brilliant song lampooning me, as the latest worker of Drogo the jester. On the second day, Drogo will not be found.
46. I will not fight near a cliff, rooftop, catwalk, bridge, or other high place.
47. I will not pursue bands of outlaws into the forest; I will burn the forest down.
48. My legions will be taught to shoot straight. My legions will be taught to shoot straight. My legions will be taught to shoot straight.
49. I will not build a secret tunnel into my headquarters. It's my headquarters - I’m allowed to walk in the front gate.