Current DM Screen/GM Insults

[Acit Cratna]

I was wondering if there's any sort of good DM screen currently on the market?
I see a lot of information about old screens that were really nice (Like the Kalamar DM Shield?) and other stuff like that.
We play 3.5 so I know it's a bit late as far as things still being manufactured for this but I'd like to buy a DM screen.
My group will soon be able to start having sessions in person (usually use Roll20.net) and I'd like to get a nice DM screen to play our in person sessions with.

Any advice?

And on another note~
I was reading this article:
http://www.campaignmastery.com/blog/top-9-dungeon-master-screen-hacks/

and in #8 it says
"Maybe print up random insults and post a new one every session to goad your group on. “Divide and conquer is the GM’s best friend. It works on you every time.”"

What other ideas for good "GM Insults" can we come up with?

[jguy]

"This fight is under CR'd and I still had to pull punches"

[Lightlawbliss]

"Come on guys, you should be on the boss fight by now. Instead your deciding how to open the front door."
"well, that is __ for the monsters and ___ (less) for the PCs."

[ArqArturo]

"... When you finally arrive at the middle of Kenderhome".

[Ingus]

Most dreaded words ever: "Roll initiative"

[Nilehus]

"You're still on this dungeon? Well, at least I don't have to make maps for another month."

[Garktz]

As an advise, beware of "Gm insults"... As player, our gm once said something along this lines "Im glad this was under cr and i didnt go all in, because it could have killed you" after the 6th fight without resting
After that, me and other pc broke every single encounter because "well, you might not pull punches" until he got mad and asked us to tone it down....
You know your group so if there might be some reaction, be carefoul

[Red Fel]

"Congratulations! Thanks to your skill with diplomacy, you have successfully started a continental war." (Note: This is not an insult if, in fact, the PCs intended to trigger a war.)

"You see this look I'm giving you? The Necromancer is giving you this same look. Also, roll a Reflex save."

"The bandit you disarmed decides he would rather take his chances fighting you again than listen to you for another ten minutes. Roll initiative to put him out of his misery."

"... Yes, of course, you would ask if you could drink it..."

"You have successfully prevented a war by being such an abysmal failure that both sides decide that watching you is far more entertaining than fighting. Our hero."

Yes, most of my insults involve botched attempts at diplomacy. No, I'm sure there's no pattern involved...

[Brookshw]

"... When you finally arrive at the middle of Kenderhome".

And now I know what the face of pure evil looks like :smalleek:

There's also the traditional "Are you sure you want to do that", not quite an insult and yet.....

[Lightlawbliss]

....

There's also the traditional "Are you sure you want to do that", not quite an insult and yet.....

on a simular note: "you open the door and find a wall behind it."

[Malaqai]

On a nat1'd perception check for loot: "You find a large bag of coins. You feel very pleased with yourself. It's your own bag of coins."
And then on the nat1 appraise check immediately afterward: "You appraise yourself. You find nothing of value."

[Red Fel]

On a nat1'd perception check for loot: "You find a large bag of coins. You feel very pleased with yourself. It's your own bag of coins."
And then on the nat1 appraise check immediately afterward: "You appraise yourself. You find nothing of value."

Ooh, that's it. We need to come up with natural 1 skill rolls. Making a list, go!

Survival (to locate/orient yourself): "Congratulations. With the help of a map and compass, you successfully locate your own backside."

Survival (to find food): "You've discovered a rock. You have the vague impression that, if you cook and eat it, you'll be full for awhile. And then you'll learn a delightful new meaning of pain."

Use Rope: "You've managed to construct an effective-looking noose. It seems fate is trying to tell you something."

Ride: "After some difficulty, you have successfully wrangled and mounted a fencepost. Your horse is over there."

Handle Animal: "You have successfully convinced a two-ounce rodent that is terrified of its own shadow that you would make a delicious meal. It hungers for your flesh." OR "At your direction, your trusted hound lunges... in the opposite direction. Your mastery over animalkind is beyond compare."

Any others?

[Dawgmoah]

I was wondering if there's any sort of good DM screen currently on the market?
I see a lot of information about old screens that were really nice (Like the Kalamar DM Shield?) and other stuff like that.
We play 3.5 so I know it's a bit late as far as things still being manufactured for this but I'd like to buy a DM screen.
My group will soon be able to start having sessions in person (usually use Roll20.net) and I'd like to get a nice DM screen to play our in person sessions with.

Any advice?

In the beginning I made my own DM screens, and then when the store-bought ones came out I had several of those and would add things to them. (They never seemed to have exactly what I needed on them.) Then with the age of the notebook, that is now my DM screen. Links to the SRD, pdfs of books etc.

And if you don't don't like the idea of using a computer; cut and paste charts and things suited to your preference, print them out, and glue them to some hard cardboard. Viola! instant customized DM screen.

[Brookshw]

Spot: it turns out the back of your hand has an amazing hide check.

Listen: I bet you regret playing drums in a teenage punk band now don't you.

Hide: turns out other people can still see you just fine even if you cover your eyes.

Knowledge: ignorance is bliss and apparently you've arrived at nirvana.

Alchemy: don't worry, I'm sure the smell will fade eventually. Not so sure you'll ever get your hair back though.

Jump: don't worry, that's just gravity's way of giving you a hug.

[BioCharge]

*snip*

Oh, I have one.

Listen (listening through wooden door): "You hear the sound of wood. You become so entranced by the sound of wood that you stay and listen to the sound of wood for 30 minutes."

I actually had this happen to me on my very first game of D&D. Hilarious I was a Ranger too, so nature guy.

[SciChronic]

i made my own screen using duct tape, posterboard (the think kind with the foam in the middle), and a boxcutter.

just cut out 9" x 11.5" rectangles and taped it so it can fold. been using it for 2 years now. my only regret is that i didnt make it bigger.

[Acit Cratna]

Thanks everyone!

I have decided to probably make my own DM screen and I like the ideas a few of you have posted.

And I love all the "DM Insults" You've all come up with. Really great!