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Hexenarethi
2014-07-31, 10:53 PM
:smallamused:Basically, in this game, you act as your avatar and try to kill the person below you, but you will have to find a way, however far-fetched but possible for your character to achieve, to defend against it.

I'll start:

I replace the person below me's water supply with acid.

Keledrath
2014-08-01, 04:08 PM
Interesting.

I am rescued by my future self, who knew you were going to try that because you tried it on him and he was saved by his future self (yes, my avatar's actually does work like that).

I headshot the person below me with the C-10 Mk VI standard issue rifle hidden in my jacket.

inuyasha
2014-08-01, 05:43 PM
I take the blow, and soak it up with my DR 10/good.

I decapitate my enemy with my scythe and shower them with spores

Eternis
2014-08-02, 01:17 AM
I duck and hold my breath.
STABBY-STABBY.

Zaydos
2014-08-02, 12:46 PM
I block your blade with my wing, using its hard shell-like scales to deflect the blow, and then use my hind legs to kick your sword from your hand.

I look into TPBM's eyes and devour his soul.

Shadebolt
2014-08-02, 03:58 PM
I simply tilt my hat down.

I hold TPBM at swordpoint.

Jormengand
2014-08-02, 05:17 PM
I fly away. Because, you know, I'm a 20th-level truenamer, so I can fly.

I send a Solar Angel to kill TPBM, because I CBA to do it myself.

ArlEammon
2014-08-02, 05:23 PM
The Solar Angel has no way to kill or harm me, because I'm Ganon, the King of Evil and possessor of the Triforce of Power. I kill it with my powerful magic.

I attack the person below me with a powerful fire ball spell.

inuyasha
2014-08-02, 06:27 PM
I use my Demonic immunity to fire.

I fly above TPBM and poop on them like the filthy bird my form emulates.

Cuthalion
2014-08-03, 11:24 AM
I run away.

I also drop a wrench on TPBM.

Dire Moose
2014-08-03, 11:48 AM
I deflect it with my antlers.

I charge and gore TPBM to death.

Jormengand
2014-08-03, 11:53 AM
I give myself fast healing and ignore the silly moose trying to kill me.

I lift up an island, and drop it on TPBM's head.

@V: Sidestep an ISLAND? :smalltongue:

Keledrath
2014-08-03, 11:53 AM
I cloak and sidestep.

As I decloak, I put my hand to TPBM's back and activate my psiblade, impaling them.

Dudeons
2014-08-03, 01:47 PM
I buck you away and, as a ponified version of Gary Gygax, a herd of bronies and D&D fans come to beat the crap out of you.

I direct this rabid herd to attack TPBM.

inuyasha
2014-08-03, 11:55 PM
I fly! Wheee!

I use my powers as a court jester of the Rudisplorkers to make someone laugh to death

Targ Collective
2014-08-04, 12:02 AM
I use my magic to channel the energy of the laughter into my orb of light. It is absorbed, sparing me.

I then create an unbreakable barrier of Light around myself, which shoots out powerful lasers to TPBM.

Mauve Shirt
2014-08-04, 07:23 PM
I use the power of plot to protect myself. It's not even the end of the first act yet!

I bludgeon TPBM to death while dealing 2d6 additional damage from poison (CON -2).

King Of Midgard
2014-08-04, 08:43 PM
I quaff potions and climb away from the mean person with the bat.

I grab TPBM and use their head as a battering ram to get through the spiked steel walls of my wizard friend's fortress, so as to invite him out to brunch. No wall gets between me and my brunch.

Dudeons
2014-08-04, 09:47 PM
All of me is a head, and I'm far too heavy for you to lift. I roll away, unamused.

I roll over TPBM, crushing them to death.

Laughing Dog
2014-08-05, 12:29 PM
I have wings, and use them to fly above you before you can crush me.

I arrange for TPBM to walk under a rockslide (and thus be crushed by said rockslide), and shift the blame to TPBTPBM.

lolthfollower
2014-08-06, 12:00 AM
I tunnel out using my +2 racial boost to profession (miner).

I gather hordes of vengeful kobolds to attack TPBM, seeing as everyone thinks he tried to bury me.

Zaydos
2014-08-06, 09:21 AM
I spread my wings and fly over head reminding them that as a half-dragon I am the superior being and as kobolds they exist to serve me, thus I can blatantly murder any of them I want. I strafe once with my peanut butter breath just to prove my point and then order them to build me a monument in my honor that casts me as a dread and spiteful god.

I pretend to be a cute little pony to get close to the person below me then glance up at them with my eye of soul devouring to eat their (delicious) soul.

Keledrath
2014-08-06, 11:12 AM
I have no soul. And shoot you in the eye. Bloody ponies.

I grow plasma claws and tear TPBM to itty bity shreds.

Woodzyowl
2014-08-06, 11:56 AM
Who? :smalltongue: At any rate, I'm not squeamish about blood, so HA!

I peck out TPBM's eyes.

Dudeons
2014-08-06, 11:44 PM
My sunglasses are too powerful to be pecked through. I take them off after getting away from you to try and fix the scratched glass, but to no avail. :smallannoyed:

Then, TPBM comes along, thinking that I'm the poster below them.

"You think you can fight me? Sorry, but you don't seem..."

:smallcool:

"Up to scratch."

http://wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net/80450F/comicsalliance.com/files/2011/08/csi.jpg

The pun is so powerful that they are paralyzed due to groaning, and then the YEEAAAAAHHHH!! is so powerful that they get knocked back. Into the sun.

Targ Collective
2014-08-07, 03:51 PM
My orb of light flares just once

Deflecting Sunward strike

And strikes out at the poster below

With rays of Laser Light

Jormengand
2014-08-07, 03:53 PM
I grant Creation domain spells, so I True Create a mirror.

I then True Create some more mirrors and drop them on TPBM's head.

backwaterj
2014-08-08, 12:08 AM
Really bad idea. Really really bad idea. Since I'm all head the mirrors drop toward my globe-shaped body, splattering the entire hall in a laser-light-show of deadly eye-rays. I closed my central antimagic eye so I don't ruin the effect and, y'know, so I don't poke my eye out.

Try getting out of that one, TPBM!

ghost_warlock
2014-08-08, 09:41 AM
As the anthropomorphic personification of elemental darkness, I'm incorporeal and immune to charm effects, death effects, petrification, and polymorphing, rendering your most potent eye-rays ineffective. As my mere presence can annihilate photons, your eye lasers are also nullified. I'm not really sure what you were hoping to achieve with your little light show.

I create a pair of anti-photon clones of TPBM to attack them with their own abilities and equipment.

@v: Amusingly, antiphotons and photons are actually the same thing. :smalltongue:

Targ Collective
2014-08-08, 07:47 PM
Interesting, a battle of darkness against Light. But all my abilities are Light-based, rendering the antiphoton clones ineffective, to say the least.

My orb of Light with glorious flare

Shines deep into the darkness there

Transmuting into glorious Light

These clones of shadowed night

Then with a searing lance of Solar fire

Strikes out at TPBM with ire

Raining down with fiery might

All the fire of my orb of Light.

Orm-Embar
2014-08-10, 10:56 PM
It all just rolls off my scales due to innate fire resistance.

And then, fiery breath engulfs TPBM.

V Think different books... still a funny response tho :)

backwaterj
2014-08-10, 11:39 PM
Wait, fiery breath? Aren't you . . ? You know what, never mind. There's no way for that not to come out racist. So we'll just say you took the Breath Substitution feat or whatever it's called and leave it at that.

Fire breath? Hurts a bit, but I can soak that. I then use my disintegrate ray, not on TPBM, but on the structural members holding up the fragile cavern ceiling. Said poster is, of course, in said cavern. :smallwink:

[Edit]: My avatar really was a beholder when I posted this. :smallfrown:

Zaydos
2014-08-11, 12:43 PM
I use baleful transposition to switch position with you of course.

I plant a legion of plant-monsters around TPBM causing a host of vine-bearing legume beasts to surround and consume them.

Dudeons
2014-08-11, 02:47 PM
Unfortunately, chickpeas have no taste for nigh-indestructable plastic. They soon give up, and satisfy themselves with covering me.

Millions of years later, the TPBM comes and finds me beneath the dead vines and- oh wait, my bad. It's been millions of years, so TPBM is dead.

Targ Collective
2014-08-11, 04:18 PM
Back in the past when I was alive:

Looks like Dudeons has placed himself out of the game for millions of years.

Meanwhile...

I shoot out from my orb of Light

Geometries, sound and Rays

All designed to swiftly and easefully

End TPBM's days...

V Oh well done, an excellent response.

Orm-Embar
2014-08-11, 09:37 PM
None can inflict suffering without enduring the same. None can send death by spells and sorcery without walking on the brink of death's own abyss, aye, and dripping his own blood into it. - F. Lieber

It's delicate work, but I pick the strands of magic apart and discard those that are no use to me. Then, using the gift of light and geometric shards of power given freely by a heedless sorceror, I weave a spell-web that drains the life from its victim as surely as the night weaves the darkness from the afternoon - and drop it on TPBM.

Raz_Fox
2014-08-12, 02:17 PM
I flick the spell-web away with my magic, sending it hurtling into the ocean. Hopefully, it won't kill a fish or anything like that.

I then shoot a SOLAR BEAM at TPBM.

Keledrath
2014-08-12, 02:21 PM
I deploy the backup solar power cell and use it to hypercharge my laser cannon.

I fire the hypercharged laser cannon at TPBM

backwaterj
2014-08-12, 09:37 PM
You really shouldn't charge a laser cannon with more power than the instruction manual specifies. Hyper-charging . . . well, it's liable to blow the whole thing and its wielder to smithereens, as that one just did.

I cast Calm Emotions on TPBM. Why can't we all just get along?!

Orm-Embar
2014-08-12, 10:42 PM
I have slipped the surly bonds of the ground, and danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings; the natural state of a dragon is to soar upwards, after all. What a beautiful, peaceful day. I could fly like this for hours. Up here there are no boundaries. It's good for clearing your head.

It feels like I must have been up here quite a while. A long time. Long enough, anyway.

Now I'm hungry.

*looks down, sees TPBM, folds up wings and noses over into diving attack*

Targ Collective
2014-08-12, 10:43 PM
My emotions are always calm. But thanks for the assist.

From within the zen-like trance I discern TPBM, and see they need punishment for past crimes. Therefore I idly incinerate them within an orb of Fire - fire and Light are allied elements, you see.

Dudeons
2014-08-19, 07:44 PM
Fortunately, my red coloring isn't for nothing. It works just like the Red Vest in Chrono Trigger, meaning all that fire means absolutely nothing to me.

I whip off my sunglasses and hurl them like a razor-edged boomerang at TPBM, slashing open a hole in them that's far too large to be good for them.

backwaterj
2014-08-19, 08:14 PM
Hmm, cure moderate should do the trick. That only leaves about 50 spells that level left to burn.

Looks like that attack wasn't . . . :smallcool: up to spec!

Moderately annoyed by the inconvenience, I level a moon beam at TPBM's face.

Sorrcerousflux
2014-08-23, 04:54 AM
Hmm, cure moderate should do the trick. That only leaves about 50 spells that level left to burn.

Looks like that attack wasn't . . . :smallcool: up to spec!

Moderately annoyed by the inconvenience, I level a moon beam at TPBM's face.

I simply plane shift back to the abyss to escape,

And proceed to annihilate the TPBM with a demonic horde.

Hexalan
2014-08-24, 10:11 PM
I summon my own horde of angry radioactive skinless mutants, who also have guns and explosives.

I mutter incoherently about history, then start beating TPBM with my staff.

Zaydos
2014-08-24, 10:31 PM
I block with my DM screen, and then push it over on you. Take 40d6 damage as you are crushed by the giant sheet of metal.

I sick some of my players on TPBM. I hope you enjoy Pyro the Red, Cyro the White, Princess Petal the Green, and Barney* the Purple.

*Real name Vader, but we call him Vader, it upsets him.

Dudeons
2014-08-25, 02:40 AM
All of them share one common weakness; pain. I beat them with my cane until they flee in terror (and because they have a Dr Who marathon to be attending).

I test out my newfound human form and kill TPBM with my mad Bartitsu skills (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELCBDtl-y4w).

Chadamantium
2014-08-25, 10:59 AM
I use ridiculously high AC act like TPAM are not there at all.

TPBM now has a sword manifesting in their stomach.

backwaterj
2014-08-25, 11:43 AM
Ooh, materializing inside a solid object . . . I'm afraid your sword is shunted 5 feet and takes 1d6 points of damage.

Briefly appraising the sword that's suddenly appeared at my feet, I decide my own blessed bastard sword is far superior, so I kick it out of TPBM's reach and with a graceful pirouette slide the Blade of the New Moon across his/her jugular.

blacklight101
2014-08-25, 02:50 PM
I am a zombie, I can't bleed out.

I nom TPBM's arm off, cause, you know, zombie.

Hexalan
2014-08-25, 03:14 PM
It's cool - I didn't really need that arm anyway.

Half a dozen medical-eyebots repair my arm, then fire their lazorz at TPBM.

Dudeons
2014-08-25, 04:51 PM
Luckily, they're just surgical lasers. They zap me, and now my splanch is fixed. Thanks!

Oh, wait, it isn't! Acidic splanch fluid heading your way PBM!

Sorrcerousflux
2014-08-25, 09:31 PM
Luckily, they're just surgical lasers. They zap me, and now my splanch is fixed. Thanks!

Oh, wait, it isn't! Acidic splanch fluid heading your way PBM!

Acid immunity

Speaking of acid... breath weapon on TPBM.

Targ Collective
2014-08-26, 03:12 AM
My Orb of Light creates a field

Of solid, impermeable Light

The acid splashes harmlessly

Cannot resist its might

The geometries, tones and Light of harm

Sent to the one below

Causing no end of alarm

My orb of light does Death bestow.

backwaterj
2014-08-26, 01:47 PM
Oh please! Sundark goggles, don't leave the Underdark without them.

Since it's become altogether too bright out here, I carefully shape a solid 5' thick stone cube around TPBM. You're welcome.

blacklight101
2014-08-26, 03:03 PM
shunted out for only 1d6, no harm done to the unliving.


I fall as an anvil thrown from on high and make TPBM all squishy.

Dudeons
2014-08-26, 03:55 PM
The anvil crushes me, but I rip off my latex mask to reveal that I'm actually TPBM!

Keledrath
2014-08-26, 06:06 PM
Well, you sir, have been infinitely improved by joining the Cult of Oneris. Have fun, and thanks for converting instead of trying to kill me.

I fire a volley of spikes at TPBM.

backwaterj
2014-08-26, 08:10 PM
Charisma plus Wisdom to AC, plus Lesser Visage of the Diety plus domain Charisma boost. So yeah, good luck with that.

I compliment TPBM on his/her fine fashion sense and invite him/her to dance.

Zaydos
2014-08-26, 11:55 PM
As a dragon I wear nothing at all and scoff at your comment derisively as false flattery which will get you no favors from this DM.

I declare that rocks fall and the person below me dies.

r2d2go
2014-08-27, 12:18 AM
I cast Protection from Falling Rocks (it's homebrew). Then reach through the fourth wall to smack the DM for using such a cliche.

I smash TPBM with a hammer, while they are pontificating about natural order and free will. However, unlike others, I have a full suite of buffs at amusingly high caster level active.

Dudeons
2014-08-27, 12:35 AM
As a master of all dice, I force you to roll a 1.

His hammer goes flying out of his hand before it can hit me, and it nails TPBM.

Orm-Embar
2014-08-27, 11:00 AM
Ouch!
*rubs bruise*
*glares around looking for someone to take it out on*
*sees TPBM*
*attempts to rend limb from limb with specially-sharpened claws*

Sorrcerousflux
2014-08-27, 12:14 PM
I hide in my swamp until you leave.

When I emerge I crush TPBM with my claws.

Zaydos
2014-08-27, 12:42 PM
I laugh at your puny attempts before shooting you with lightning. As a blue dragon I am bigger and stronger than a black (of equal age category).

I send 5 breeds of homebrewed mechanical living construct dragons against you, each more fearsome and action economy breaking than the last. They then combine to form Dratron the MegaDragon to destroy you. Fear the 300+ ft tall combining mecha dragon.

backwaterj
2014-08-27, 05:59 PM
Hmm, living construct, you say? Therefore not immune to mind-affecting spells? How 'bout a little Charm Monster action then?

Voltron Dratron the MegaDragon works for me now!

Speaking of which, sic TPBM, Dratron! Who's a good gestalt dragon robot? :smallamused:

Keledrath
2014-08-27, 06:17 PM
I liberate my living construct brother, and set him on the path of doing what he wants: crochet.

I bitchslap TPBM with my Warforged Slam attack.

Septimus Faber
2014-08-28, 03:41 AM
Quickened Wall of Stone says hello.

I perform a smack down upon TPBM with my smoking cafe table.

Orm-Embar
2014-08-29, 02:31 PM
Weaponized fire breath. Don't you mean your pile-of-smoking-cinders-that-used-to-be-a-table?

I charm, bully and persuade a group of weak-willed adventurers into taking care of TPBM.

V Heh

Sorrcerousflux
2014-08-29, 02:56 PM
Weaponized fire breath. Don't you mean your pile-of-smoking-cinders-that-used-to-be-a-table?

I charm, bully and persuade a group of weak-willed adventurers into taking care of TPBM.

They are great snacks, and their treasure looks awesome in my hoard

I use the tome of vile darkness to steal the TPBM's soul and smuggle it to the abyss

Strange that I just had TBoVD in my hoard all this time. weird.

backwaterj
2014-08-30, 06:10 PM
Sorry, Lolth doesn't want to be anywhere near this soul, so they send it back.

I cook a hearty and satisfying meal for TPBM.

Dudeons
2014-08-30, 06:33 PM
As the Lord of a race of dice-people, I do not feed off of plants or meat as humans do. Thus, I politely reject your meal. Out the window. Onto TPBM.

TPBM takes maximum damage.

Gandariel
2014-09-02, 04:28 PM
I rejoice as food flies down on me, and eat it happily. Also, a nearby Queen spits orange goo on me and i'm healed.

TPBM ends up as a porcupine
ffft! ffft!

Cuthalion
2014-09-05, 01:52 PM
I scuttle into a cave.

The person located directly beneath me takes a jello pie to the face.

backwaterj
2014-09-05, 06:18 PM
Fate has rewarded my random act of kindness!

After eating half the pie, I toss the remainder and plate like a frisbee at TPBM. After casting Sacred Item on it. You can never be too careful.

@V: Would that make you TPAM? :smalleek:

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-05, 06:28 PM
Fate has rewarded my random act of kindness!

After eating half the pie, I toss the remainder and plate like a frisbee at TPBM. After casting Sacred Item on it. You can never be too careful.

Unfortunately your strength is not quite high enough to hit a dragon flying high above the clouds,

Why was I flying above the clouds? Why I was delivering a strangely epic group of kobolds useing the rules to "grant them infinite power!" so I asked for a demonstration, by dropping them on the head of TPBM.

JW86
2014-09-05, 10:31 PM
Unfortunately your strength is not quite high enough to hit a dragon flying high above the clouds,

Why was I flying above the clouds? Why I was delivering a strangely epic group of kobolds useing the rules to "grant them infinite power!" so I asked for a demonstration, by dropping them on the head of TPBM.


As the horde of kobolds go screaming through the Gate manifested above my head into the Infinite Layers of the Abyss, I point my finger and Disintegrate TPBM...

Trog
2014-09-06, 09:14 AM
*A troglodyte wanders into the thread only to have a disintegration ray, aimed right at his face, hit his cigarette instead, turing it into a pile of ash rather faster than normal*

*blinks*

*fishes out another Coffin Nail™ Brand cigarette and lights it*

Either they are making these things shorter or Trog's tolerance went up again.

*puffs a cloud of nicotine so potent at TPBM that, due to their normal tolerance levels, they instantly contract fatal lung cancer*

Hexalan
2014-09-06, 12:44 PM
Luckily, I am wearing a handy gas mask that is strong enough to filter out the radiation from a few dozen freshly detonated nukes.

Aforementioned freshly detonated nukes still spew heavy radiation towards TPBM.

backwaterj
2014-09-06, 03:52 PM
I'm deep in the Underdark, so the bedrock protects me from the initial shockwave. As for the radiation itself, I'll merely add Cure Disease to my daily repertoire for the next few years while I help the mutant cockroaches build the utopia of tomorrow.

Said cockroaches take exception to the likes of TPBM in their idyllic society.

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-06, 05:02 PM
I'm deep in the Underdark, so the bedrock protects me from the initial shockwave. As for the radiation itself, I'll merely add Cure Disease to my daily repertoire for the next few years while I help the mutant cockroaches build the utopia of tomorrow.

Said cockroaches take exception to the likes of TPBM in their idyllic society.

The melted corpses of the insects stain the ground I might just turn their homes into a nice new lair.

As the TPBM is walking through the ruins I then summon an aspect of tiamat to assist me in the TPBM's destruction.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-06, 05:49 PM
I was always one of her favorites.

TPBM, not so much, meaning I have Her Majesty's leave to destroy them with fire.

PurityIcekiller
2014-09-12, 09:51 PM
Well, it's a good thing I prepared Protection from Fire today, isn't it?

I hide in the shadows, then launch a sneak attack with arrows on The Person Below Me.

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-13, 02:36 AM
I hear the arrows sing through the air, raise my sickles and deflect them like a boss.

One flips into my face though, causing me to loose my footing and roll down a hill, straight at TPBM.

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-13, 09:37 AM
I hear the arrows sing through the air, raise my sickles and deflect them like a boss.

One flips into my face though, causing me to loose my footing and roll down a hill, straight at TPBM.

You crash into my leg, doing no damage. (to me anyway) And are proply coup de graced dragon style.

Moderately annoyed I use the blood of Io to ascend to godhood and smite TPBM.

You forgot haste, also how many spell slots/spells per day do you have?

Cause you sound like the best cleric ever.

*extends offer of Exarchdom*

Jormengand
2014-09-13, 09:47 AM
Finally! Another god to fight! Let's have a duel!

I'll start. Maximised Empowered Time Stop. Quickened Conjunctive gate. Maximised Empowered Explosive Runes. Quickened Conjunctive gate. Maximised Empowered Explosive Runes. Quickened Conjunctive gate. Maximised Empowered Explosive Runes. Quickened Conjunctive gate. Maximised Empowered Explosive Runes. Quickened Conjunctive gate. Maximised Empowered Time Stop...

The world is soon flooded with solars with Explosive Runes bombs, who throw them at TPBM before nuking them with every offensive spell on the cleric list.

Laughing Dog
2014-09-13, 01:04 PM
*plane shift* Back to hell for me!

"I didn't even do anything this time!"

I pull some strings, and arrange for TPBM to be Zaydos' next snack. Zaydos, if your TPBM, I'll be amused.:smallbiggrin:

backwaterj
2014-09-13, 02:53 PM
Snack? I'm not even an appetizer.

With all my Strongheart might I whip my spiked chain into TPBM's *flips coin* spleen.

Zaydos
2014-09-13, 02:55 PM
I look annoyed at the spiked chain in my side and eat my snack. Snacks are smaller than appetizers typically after all.

I invite you to tea... I do not mention that I did not deactivate any of my nefarious death traps, such as the one which ties you into a chair while blades swing around nearby slowly getting closer just like the laser that comes towards you and a programmed illusion shows you the Joker singing in the shower on loop*.

*It drove my pet gnome insane researching that.

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-13, 02:57 PM
*rises from the underworld*

*gets new spleen torn up*

... This is not a good day for me.

Sorry, I don't accept tea from ninjas. But I will take some asprin, if you have some.

*leaps and takes my anger out on TPBM via slashy slash*

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-13, 03:16 PM
*rises from the underworld*

*gets new spleen torn up*

... This is not a good day for me.

Sorry, I don't accept tea from ninjas. But I will take some asprin, if you have some.

*leaps and takes my anger out on TPBM via slashy slash*

This black dragon sorcerer does not approve of your methods, neither does reverse gravity.\

I cast "pinned to the sky" on TPBM, then laugh

Dudeons
2014-09-13, 07:09 PM
I whistle (yes, whistling in space, that is a thing) and my D20-shaped starship flies over and beams me into it.

Now that I'm inside, I drop my d20 super-nuke down on TPBM below me, which is enough to destroy them and the planet they are on five times over.

Zaydos
2014-09-13, 07:13 PM
I fudge the dice to make sure the planet rolls a nat 20 on its Reflex save, and because for some strange reason I give all my planets Evasion it and everything on it takes no damage.

Unfortunately TPBM was sent hurling out of the atmosphere by DM fiat mere moments earlier and is still within the area of the nuke.

backwaterj
2014-09-14, 02:50 PM
I was sent hurtling downward out of the atmosphere, landing harmlessly on the ground thanks to my hastily-donned Boots of Flying.

I flip between TPBM's legs and land a resounding blow on the back of his/her skull.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-15, 05:15 PM
I feel a faint tap and abruptly wake up from a wonderful dream featuring something on fire. Maybe a falling rock? It couldn't possibly be one of those meddling adventurer types... could it? Well, better safe than sorry. Taking a deep breath, I bellow, "WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER!" Pause for effect. The cavern floor trembles. I think to myself, how unoriginal, I really need to work on getting better lines. It's embarrassing, really. Although I did just wake up, sheesh, cut me some slack. Just then, my echoing roar causes the cavern ceiling to collapse, dropping countless tons of sharp, pointy rocks on TPBM.

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-15, 09:30 PM
I dig my way out like the dog I am.

I pop up under TPBM and bite at something vital-looking!

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-16, 02:35 PM
I dig my way out like the dog I am.

I pop up under TPBM and bite at something vital-looking!

Having dirt in one's eyes and on one's face does not aid said person in discerning anatomy, this holds true for you as you viciously attack my heel, and a thrown out of the cave in which I was having a pleasant distinction with some human tribute bearers.

Those tribute bearers take up arms to pillage more stuff for my hoard! Unfortunately TPBM is caught in the crossfire.

braveheart
2014-09-16, 03:19 PM
The crossfire of peasants does not concern a mighty barbarian as slaughters both forces and loots all of the bodies.

I buy a shiny new +5 great axe with the spoils and use it to disembowel TPBM

Dudeons
2014-09-16, 03:41 PM
Dice-cane, Improved Disarm, natural 20 on initiative. I don't think so.

I disarm the ax so hard that it cuts down a gigantic tree. As it falls on the unaware PBM, I shoot a ball of fire at the tree for extra effect.

backwaterj
2014-09-16, 03:45 PM
Unfortunately, the fireball has the unforeseen effect of . . . well, burning the tree. Splinters of firewood fall harmlessly around me. (The faithful of Tymora: membership has its privileges.)

I *flips coin* engage TPBM in a spirited discussion about the methods of modern alchemy.

Zaydos
2014-09-16, 04:11 PM
"Alchemy you say? Shall we discuss the new formulae by Teslatorodiussorinlannius Mendarwinstonsteinlobiquitzheinlienkirk Dirklingtonwellingsworthfideliuslupuscanisfelisgen seliacarboniferous? Or perhaps..."

*32 hours pass*

"-and that is why modern synthesis equipment is superior to cauldrons. It's not that... hey wake up... falling asleep in the middle of a discussion is rude."

I finish eating the halfling above me and then pour out all the experimental concoctions I was going to use as the final proof of my argument. I hope you enjoy freezing cold electric fire acid that melts reality itself.

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-16, 06:32 PM
"Alchemy you say? Shall we discuss the new formulae by Teslatorodiussorinlannius Mendarwinstonsteinlobiquitzheinlienkirk Dirklingtonwellingsworthfideliuslupuscanisfelisgen seliacarboniferous? Or perhaps..."

*32 hours pass*

"-and that is why modern synthesis equipment is superior to cauldrons. It's not that... hey wake up... falling asleep in the middle of a discussion is rude."

I finish eating the halfling above me and then pour out all the experimental concoctions I was going to use as the final proof of my argument. I hope you enjoy freezing cold electric fire acid that melts reality itself.

Being quite the alchemist myself I test out my experimental Uber-legit-Anti-catalyst, which metaphorically neuters your mixture, transforming it into mere water.

I do however still have some anti catalyst left, and I use it on the TPBM, transmogrifying their body into a puddle of non-reactive goo.

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-16, 06:37 PM
I pray to Anubis for strength, and he enchants my sickles into holy weapons made from a divine material transcending this reality.

I then combine toonforce with writer's block superhuman speed and concentration to divert the acid away from my person in a whirlwind of slashes resembling a wind turbine, flinging the dangerous substance into the face of TPBM.

A ninja dragon! I am caught off guard and melted instantly.

However, my guardian spirit retains power on this plane, and I use it to shuffle my burning remains below the feet of TPBM.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-16, 06:45 PM
Innate fire resistance. However, your remains shall be buried with full honors. Now all I need is about five million tons of rock.

Meanwhile!

I assume humanoid form long enough to nock a specially prepared "Arrow of TPBM Slaying" on my +5 longbow, and send it (the arrow, not the bow) whistling[1] through the air towards, you guessed it, TPBM.

[1] The tune it whistles is called "Save or Die." It's catchy.

backwaterj
2014-09-16, 07:22 PM
Meanwhile, in Zaydos' gullet (since this seems to constitute the entire draconic digestive tract):

I find myself surrounded with an extremely rare and useful alchemical reagent, namely blue dragon gullet acid. Since Zaydos' alignment differs from my own, I spend every third round or so punching the gullet lining (for nonlethal damage; I'm nothing if not a polite house guest) to heal myself of the crushing and acid damage. Since by RAW I can breathe just fine while immersed in digestive juices I use the remainder of my time to carry out my work with the new reagent, perfecting Ever-Expanding Foam, the Tanglecolon Bag, and a version of Alchemist's Fire that functions equally well immersed in fluid.

Suddenly with a twang a single arrow bursts through Zaydos' formidable hide, piercing just enough to cut a conveniently halfling-sized hole in the gullet. I climb out and mutter a polite thanks to Zaydos for cleaning my gear and giving me the opportunity to experiment.

Don't worry, Zaydos, muscular action closes the hole, and all your other meals must cut their own way out (dragon physiology is weird!!).

Free of my makeshift laboratory, I thank TPAM for the assist and run off cackling about how I've proven Zaydos wrong, inadvertently knocking a 40 HD Colossal GM Screen onto TPBM on the way out.

@V: Love for the d12! Dudeons wins the game!

Dudeons
2014-09-17, 09:45 AM
With a tap of my dice-cane, I produce a mansion-sized d12. The GM screen falls and is intercepted by the d12, sliding off harmlessly (it's still just paper).

Unfortunately, the GM screen slides directly into the midsection of TPBM, bisecting them with the world's biggest papercut.

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-17, 10:06 AM
With a tap of my dice-cane, I produce a mansion-sized d12. The GM screen falls and is intercepted by the d12, sliding off harmlessly (it's still just paper).

Unfortunately, the GM screen slides directly into the midsection of TPBM, bisecting them with the world's biggest papercut.

Fortunately I had already bribed the GM with food! He spares me with a Dues ex Machina, and then gives me another artifact for my horde.

Said artifact is the head of vecna, seeing it TPBM cuts of his head in a futile attempt to gain it's power.

Vecna stil gets your soul, and I take your stuff.

.

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-17, 04:23 PM
Thankfully I am still in spirit form, so I swivel around in the air desperately trying to slice my own head off, to no avail.

After a moment of sobbing, I attempt to possess the body of TPBM, because Anubis is starting to get pissed about how frequently I'm dying.

backwaterj
2014-09-17, 06:34 PM
Luck rerolls. Eventually I make that save.

I wrap my chain around TPBM's foot, tripping him/her into a pit full of electroleechopines*.

*genetically-engineered carnivores that are half leech, half electric eel, and half porcupine. Assuming normal doubling rules this works out to precisely one whole.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2014-09-17, 09:32 PM
Well, your abominations are two-thirds comprised of entirely aquatic creatures. The pit will by necessity be filled with water. I can shoot freeze rays out of my gauntlets.

Now then. Who wants to play 'dodge the orbital laser'?

Zaydos
2014-09-17, 09:37 PM
I play dodge the orbital laser to win. And sitting in the control chair I feel like I just won... I guess this makes me 'It'.

I fire Fullbladder's orbital laser at TPBM.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-17, 09:49 PM
Should've charged the batteries before pushing the big red button.

I fall on TPBM from a great height, claws first.

backwaterj
2014-09-18, 03:52 AM
I shake my head to clear the Postal Service song out of my head (probably what jinxed me).

Assuming it's a fall and not a controlled dive, claws first is not a stable position and so you likely flip back-first midair, but be that as it may . . . I move. It's not like I don't have time. :smallbiggrin:

After making small talk for about three minutes while the dragon is falling something-first toward the ground, I convince TPBM that standing right in that growing shadow is a really good idea.

CrimsonKnight
2014-09-18, 10:45 AM
I shrug and easily catch the falling dragon. Being a 40 meter tall giant robot does make some problems trivially easy to deal with.

I raise my size 40 foot and stomp TPBM.

Zaydos
2014-09-18, 10:50 AM
Being over 40 meters long myself, I just roll over into you until we all fall in a tangled mass that destroys half the city.

TPBM is in the first building we fall into.

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-18, 01:57 PM
Being over 40 meters long myself, I just roll over into you until we all fall in a tangled mass that destroys half the city.

TPBM is in the first building we fall into.

No! I was in my life sized replica building of myself, I can survive (magic items are great for that) But all will pay! I squish TPBM with a large chunk of my statue.

Then laugh.

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-18, 03:00 PM
I drive a red Ferrari 458 Spider through the destruction and chaos 2012 style, launching my car across an angled patch of pavement that acts as the perfect ramp for me to zoom over your fallen statue and leave some tire marks right below your stone-cold nose.

I leap out of the car and roll to safety just before it crashes into TPBM.

Dudeons
2014-09-18, 03:52 PM
With a zap from my dice-cane, I invert the cars airbags so they come out the headlights. The car hits me like a pillow and rolls away harmlessly.

I then disassemble the car, rebuild it as a tripod-mounted proton cannon, and open fire on TPBM.

backwaterj
2014-09-18, 09:41 PM
As tripod-mounted protons are in short supply, the cannon doesn't do much other than look cool. But then, you hardly need a cannon for that, do you?

I challenge TPBM to a riddle contest. First prize: the keys to Anubite's Ferrari!

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2014-09-18, 09:50 PM
Too late, man. I just finished hotwiring that proton cannon. I gots plenty of tripod-mounted protons. I answer your riddles with ridiculously superior firepower.

I don't know. I guess I'll do my best to bludgeon TPBM with my bare power-gauntlet'd hands. Heh. A pity you Persons Below Me die so easily, or I might actually take some satisfaction in this. [/decepticon]

Zaydos
2014-09-18, 10:23 PM
Unfortunately I'm in a massive ball of 40+ meter creatures and roll over you with an eva and another dragon, letting them take the beating before walking away.

I casually flick my tail striking the triple-mounted proton cannon knocking it flying which causes it to crash into TPBM and explode destroying a 3 mile radius.

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-19, 02:20 AM
Thankfully, as the servant of Anubis I gain a small amount of his power, which includes mythological legs that can leap large explosions in a single bound!

However, this does not completely clear me of the explosion, so I make the most of it and use the heat from the blast to create an aura of divine fire around my body, which creates a smaller, but far more deadlier explosion upon my landing next to TPBM.

CrimsonKnight
2014-09-19, 08:14 AM
Luckily, my AT Field is still up. I create a AT tunnel to the Dirac Sea right where the explosion was going to impact me.

I grab TPBM and chuck them into the hole for good measure, then collapse the tunnel behind them.

EmeraldRose
2014-09-19, 08:23 AM
It's a good thing I was out on my ship then, and not where you thought I was when you decided to drop me in a hole...

I tie TPBM to a barrel and drown them in rum.

Zaydos
2014-09-19, 10:36 AM
I cast Water Breathing, and then proceed to enjoy all the rum. All of it.

As a dragon I am now black-out drunk. Unfortunately I sleep terrorize and my wake of destruction destroys swathes of Tokyo calling Godzilla out of the deep of the Pacific where he proceeds to smash more, and stomps on TPBM in the process.

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-19, 01:48 PM
I cast Water Breathing, and then proceed to enjoy all the rum. All of it.

As a dragon I am now black-out drunk. Unfortunately I sleep terrorize and my wake of destruction destroys swathes of Tokyo calling Godzilla out of the deep of the Pacific where he proceeds to smash more, and stomps on TPBM in the process.

Godzilla? Really nothing bigger or better than that,; what am I, chopped liver?

*feeling insulted I summon a thousand half-dragon tarrasques to destoy zaydos, Godzilla, and TPBM.

backwaterj
2014-09-19, 03:53 PM
I summon an army of level 1 Commoners, then go have tea.

I accidentally spill said tea on TPBM. Did I say tea? I meant acid.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-19, 10:39 PM
Mmmm, acid tea. Just like mum used to make. Thanks, now I'm homesick. I'll have to light something on fire just to make myself feel better. Or someone.

I set TPBM's home city on fire, and fan the flames with my wings.

Dudeons
2014-09-19, 11:58 PM
Unfortunately, acid tea is known for it's high caffeine content. As a result, you flap your wings carelessly and snuff the flame before it can do anything.

TPBM is on a quest to slay this caffeinated dragon. He fails.

CrimsonKnight
2014-09-20, 01:41 PM
After chatting with the dragon for a bit, I realize we have similar interests and there's no real reason to be fighting. The two of us proceed to go on a drunken bender that puts The Hangover to shame.

In the midst of said bender, we both inadvertantly vomit all over TPBM after one too many rounds of an obscure drinking game of his.

backwaterj
2014-09-20, 05:38 PM
Good thing I was holding this comically oversized umbrella.

I open and close said umbrella rapidly, directing a blast of vomit-laden hurricane-force wind at TPBM.

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-21, 04:08 PM
Thankfully, I ran straight at you at supernatural speeds and cut several large holes into your umbrella. You still manage to make a small rain of bile for ten feet.

I push TPBM into the line of vomit in order to have them slip and crash hilariously into a nearby hatshop.

Septimus Faber
2014-09-21, 04:14 PM
Although I do slip, I have my handy table upon my person, so I merely hop onto it and giggle gleefully as I send hats flying everywhere.

I cast Animate Object upon every single hat I just knocked over. Then I order my Horrifying Living Hat Army to destroy TPBM.

EmeraldRose
2014-09-21, 04:27 PM
I train all the hats to infiltrate the ninja ranks and create pirated ninjas.

TPBM will now walk the plank into the pirated ninja infested waters.

V: Yay! Ninja'd by pirated ninjas! My plan works! :smallbiggrin:

Orm-Embar
2014-09-21, 04:27 PM
arg ninja'ed AND pirated, good job!

I dive deep. Really, really deep. Pirate ninjas who try to follow will end up drowned.

Much, much later, I bribe an evil priest to create a zombie horde to take out TPBM.

PurityIcekiller
2014-09-21, 05:51 PM
I take out a few bottles of voodoo root beer to fight them off. It works on skeletons, so it should work on zombies.

For the next poster, I serve a nice slice of arsenic cake.

backwaterj
2014-09-21, 07:38 PM
I'm watching my figure, thank you but no.

I tap TPBM on the shoulder and say: "Psst! Is that a gibbering mouther the size of Amsterdam over there? (Joke's on him/her; the gibbering mouther is actually the other way!)

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-22, 11:34 AM
Dunno dude, let me spin my head around like a creepy horror movie villain and check.

HUUUGHHH...

... Hey!

I preform a very offensive dance in front of the monster in order to catch it's attention, then dash away and lure it to TPBM.

Targ Collective
2014-09-23, 06:56 PM
My orb of Light shines forth so bright

Effervescent Shining Light

The Mouther by the Light transfixed

Bound by the Light, the Mouther's on the Styx.

Since I haven't been here a while

Here is what I do

I turn to EmeraldRose, Coffee Queen

And say 'Here's a coffee for you!'

EmeraldRose
2014-09-24, 07:39 AM
*gratefully accepts the First Daily Cup*

*turns to TPBM and demands tribute in the form of coffee*

*or places TPBM in a pit of a thousand horrors*

*and decaf*

Orm-Embar
2014-09-24, 10:31 AM
*shudders* Please, not decaf!

*brews coffee, the good kind*

*delivers tribute to*

Having assured a truce, however temporary, I send an army of kobolds to make an example of TPBM. Coffee tribute doesn't just pay for itself, you know.

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-24, 12:30 PM
*shudders* Please, not decaf!

*brews coffee, the good kind*

*delivers tribute to*

Having assured a truce, however temporary, I send an army of kobolds to make an example of TPBM. Coffee tribute doesn't just pay for itself, you know.

"Aw you got me new minions, thank you."

*After converting the kobolds to my worship and imbuing them with the draconic blood of TPAM I take them and my new zombie dragon slave to the TPBM's house, to pay them a visit.:smallamused:

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-24, 01:25 PM
As you enter my tomb, I activate a remote detonator that collapses the underground chambers on top of you.

Needing a new place to stay, I forge an eviction notice and bring it to the home of TPBM, and attack them with a rocket launcher that has it's missiles explode into pillows if they don't comply.

backwaterj
2014-09-24, 06:55 PM
I'm sleepy. Pillows sound nice right now.

Having woken up somewhat from the noise of the rocket launcher, I start a pillow fight with TPBM.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2014-09-24, 10:19 PM
I play to win. Let it never be said that I have never brought powered gauntlets (and, indeed, powered feathers) pillow combat. Also, pro tactics. I'm talking holding the pillow over your face and punching through it. This is but one more field of conquest.

I call out TPBM, and challenge them to Naval combat. I decline to tell them that my ships are actually fully armed and equipped Ships of the Line, from the Fullbladder Manufacturing space armada, who just happen to be sitting at the proper water level.

copycatcat
2014-09-24, 11:33 PM
I ignore you.

I steal all of a stupid yet awesome epic mage's gold and spellbooks(including the backups) and I take his traps, dismantled, with me, and tell him all give him it back if he casts one epic spell of my choice for me. I have him cost control all minds in world(total domination and give commands to me) combined with a monster summoned to kill TPBM if the are immune to mind affecting effects. I telepathically send to TPBM to kill themselves in the most ironic way possible.

EmeraldRose
2014-09-25, 09:10 AM
Nice try but, you know...World Dragon. The Lady has "died" so many times it's now just sort of an annoyance. :smallwink:

Out of boredom, The Lady uses her Everfull Coffee Pot to drown TPBM in caffeinated bliss.

B-Man
2014-09-25, 10:10 AM
I dip the cookie in the coffee and drink all that cannot be absorbed by the cookie.

I shock TPBM.

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-25, 11:26 AM
I dip the cookie in the coffee and drink all that cannot be absorbed by the cookie.

I shock TPBM.

I am shocked by your sudden appearance, but luckily I retain the pokeballs from dead adventurers trainers; you are captured eventually.

I use the blue orb of dragonkind to force the DM to destroy TPBM.

Twelvetrees
2014-09-25, 12:42 PM
I kindly point out to the DM that I stole the Orb fifteen sessions ago and that I had replaced it with a fake.

I then proceed to sneak attack TPBM.

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-25, 02:48 PM
I smell you coming and judo-throw you off a cliff at terminal velocity. (Do you even lift, bro?)

Unfortunately, TPBM decided to take a walk directly under said cliff.

backwaterj
2014-09-25, 08:01 PM
Holding the charge on Dimension Hop should take care of that one. And a ranseur in the kidney for good measure.

I bore TPBM with an over-analytical description of precisely how that spell just worked.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-25, 10:02 PM
I actually find that kind of thing fascinating. Our technical discussion of thaumaturgy outlasts multiple pots of coffee.

Having mastered all the spells of summoning, opening, roasting and squishing, I cast them all at once on TPBM.

copycatcat
2014-09-25, 10:06 PM
I actually find that kind of thing fascinating. Our technical discussion of thaumaturgy outlasts multiple pots of coffee.

Having mastered all the spells of summoning, opening, roasting and squishing, I cast them all at once on TPBM.

The mage you're searching for is on another plane.

And dominates tpbm.

braveheart
2014-09-26, 03:01 PM
I rage and have a feat that makes me mindless while raging


I use said rage to chop TPBM into tiny bite size pieces for the wolves

backwaterj
2014-09-27, 04:10 AM
Or you would if I didn't dimension hop you off a nearby cliff. Azuth (whose teachings I respect on an intellectual level) I love that spell!

Yes, there's a second cliff, right below the first. Yes, cartoon rules of vision-dependent gravity apply.

Poor wolves are still hungry, so I send them after TPBM.

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-27, 08:29 PM
I offer the wolves some beef jerky instead, and after having a lengthy conversation with them in the language of beasts, I ask Anubis to grant the pack his blessing, and have them join me as fellow anubites.

I then lead my new army against TPBM, because I'm all out of jerky.

copycatcat
2014-09-27, 08:43 PM
I never left that plane...

I cast suggestion: kill yourself on TPBM.

Zaydos
2014-09-27, 09:06 PM
Obviously suicidal suggestions are automatically ignored.

I force the person below me to make 10,000,000,000,000 saving throws against instant death, each requiring a natural twenty to survive how do you like you astronomical chances to live?

copycatcat
2014-09-27, 09:18 PM
Is undead
Screws death

Dominates TPBM
makes them let me blood drain them to death
gets new vampire spawn

Orm-Embar
2014-09-27, 10:16 PM
Clearly someone underestimated the will save of a dragon. Not to worry, mages are at their best when charbroiled.

I create a convincing illusion of an invincible army surrounding TPBM and call on them to throw down their arms and surrender!

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-27, 10:22 PM
Anubites are not so easily scared, and we face the impossible odds against the mighty army...! That... doesn't... exist. Well, that's a disappointment.

Bored, I have my men back me up in a rap-battle with TPBM!

@V You are now my favorite descriptive writer on this forum. (sorry, Zandros!)
Expect a response to that rap sometime between now and infinity.

backwaterj
2014-09-27, 11:54 PM
You need men to back you up? Anubite, please! I represent the mean streets of Deep Imaskar! Drop some phatt Underdark beats, DJ Phread!

Stealin' the flow from a jackel-head imposter, he's
Tryna step to me but ne C-A-N-T with an apostrophe
Sickle-wieldin' wannabe more dated than a Flock of Seagulls
I roll
With my beholder and my mojo
My strikes so lightning-fast you have to watch in slow-mo
Knockin' down avatars older than Sonny Bono
I'm from Deep Imaskar and this is how we roll, yo!

TPBM is caught in the Duergar/Drow gang war inflamed by the preceding dope rhymez.

@/\: You're on! Perhaps a rap battle thread is in order? Don't worry, I won't tell Zandros. Or even Zaydos.

Laughing Dog
2014-09-28, 10:15 AM
Antagonized by the Tanar'ri-spawn horror that is Rap, I become the Omnicidal Neutral in the aforementioned gang war.

FIREBALLS FOR EVERYONE!

TPBM is, regretably, is in the area of effect of 197,563 of those fieballs.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-28, 10:35 AM
No, that was just an illusion of me. It's a precaution I almost always take when attending a rap battle - watch from a distance so I don't have to listen.

I wait in hiding at the place where TPBM must cross an unsafe rope bridge over a deep chasm in the mountains. When they reach the middle, I burn the end off the bridge, sending them hurtling into the depths below.

copycatcat
2014-09-28, 10:39 AM
I cast dimension door.

I cast plane shift to the demiplane of extremely painful torture.

backwaterj
2014-09-28, 03:32 PM
Not sure why you'd want to go there, but okay, have fun.

I rifle through TPBM's possessions for interesting bits of arcanistry. Not to take, just to study (unless something untoward happens to TPBM).

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-29, 12:35 AM
BOOM

... Huh. Whatdoyaknow, that unopened birthday card was enchanted with explosive runes.

I attempt to yank out the brain of TPBM through their nose. You know. For the mummification process.

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-29, 07:12 AM
BOOM

... Huh. Whatdoyaknow, that unopened birthday card was enchanted with explosive runes.

I attempt to yank out the brain of TPBM through their nose. You know. For the mummification process.

Before you can even catch sight of me you are assaulted and annihilated by my living breath constructs, and dragonflesh golems.

After the milllionth death of the Anubite I politely invite TPBM to a party.

To kill dozens of low level dragonslayers.

Sange
2014-09-29, 02:05 PM
I politely refuse as I have to kill TPBM.

I create a black hole right where TPBM is, and push them in with Bugsby's Flicking Finger.

backwaterj
2014-10-02, 06:16 PM
I fall through the black hole, which is actually the mouth of a wormhole leading to the Demiplane of Infinite Treasure, Beer, and Other Pleasant Things. Thanks, Sange! I'd high-five you, but, you know, wormhole.

I spill beer on TPBM.

AvatarVecna
2014-10-03, 04:07 AM
Even if it had been poisoned, it wouldn't affect Zombie rock stars!

TPBM is trapped in a zombie apocalypse.

Orm-Embar
2014-10-03, 07:59 AM
Turns out it was just a crazy Evil high priest making all those zombies. One boss fight later, problem solved. Sweet loot too!

While soaking up sun on the beach, I think of a way to put some of that treasure to use - purchase the services of an epic level assassin and send them for TPBM.

Angsty Anubite
2014-10-03, 03:09 PM
Thankfully, you roll a 1 on your perception check and fail to notice me underneath my epic Assassins Creed cosplay!

I buy myself some awesome assassin gear, make a deal with a nefarious Russian organization and team up with the legendary Winter Soldier to kill TPBM!

backwaterj
2014-10-03, 03:36 PM
I make them a better offer.

I send the Vory and the Winter Soldier after TPBM for a month-long session of tickle torture.

AvatarVecna
2014-10-04, 07:18 PM
The undead are numerous, and not ticklish. Your attempts are fruitless!

All five zombie rockers begin playing at maximum volume. TPBM will die from ear blood loss unless...

copycatcat
2014-10-04, 10:37 PM
...TPBM is undead, and therefore bloodless.

I cast dominate monster and use blood drain with a pin on TPBM.

PersonofJid
2014-10-07, 05:39 PM
Your pitiful attempts at domination fail against my superior mental might. As for your blood draining, I send one of my many blood-filled thralls to sate your hunger. Eat them, I have more.

Speaking of eating...

Mind Blast plus Extract on TPBM.

backwaterj
2014-10-07, 06:00 PM
I was wondering when that Third Eye Clarity I made would come in handy for more than a conversation starter.

I nimbly sidestep the inevitable grabble attempt, slipping a foot in front of the ill-mannered illithid and using the leverage to get him/her/it in a headlock. With a held Shocking Grasp.

I serve some totally legitimate, non-suspicious-looking calamari to TPBM. Yes, it's supposed to be mauve.

Angsty Anubite
2014-10-07, 08:44 PM
I gladly accept, as I won the god-intestines of the moon for a day. Yeah, this is why they never write down my myths.

Later I call TPBM to come unclog my tolet, because the totally legitimate, non-suspicious-looking calamari remains did not flush well. Oh, and you might need this radiation suit. And this flaming sword. Now sign this waiver...

Zaydos
2014-10-08, 01:51 AM
*bursts out of toilet clog like a xenomorph*

*destroys toilet in the process*

That'll be $##%@%@#%$^@!^^@!, I accept cash and souls.

I summon a bigger fish over the person below me.

Orm-Embar
2014-10-08, 06:13 AM
Big fish fry-up at my place! It was delicious.

My digestive torpor is disturbed by the continued existence of TPBM. Maybe that can be ended with a modest amount of flames, smoke, claws and trampling underfoot.

AvatarVecna
2014-10-08, 08:36 AM
Foolish pawn. Your destruction of the five overlords summons Killabilly, who squashes you like the bug that you are.

He proceeds to grab TPBM and eats him.

backwaterj
2014-10-08, 02:50 PM
Whew, good thing I have all these Chill Touch charges. Since he's undead and must flee from me as if panicked, I see vomiting in the near future. Not the cleanest of exits, but it gets the job done.

Annoyed at having had to waste a perfectly good tenth of a first-level spell, I have Phread the beholder-in-training charm TPBM to deal with the cowering undead menace.

Sange
2014-10-08, 04:18 PM
*Wipes out entire zombie army with a spell of mine causing the land to taint, turning deadly to undead*

I have my pet fell beast eat TPBM.

Zaydos
2014-10-08, 06:24 PM
I fix it a stern look and remind it where fell beasts fall on the pecking order compared to dragons. I then eat it because as I just reminded it, I am on a higher trophic level. And fell beasts are delicious.

I commit mad science to create a team of evil sentai which attack TPBM.

Orm-Embar
2014-10-08, 07:20 PM
Super sentai! And made with mad science. That means they're weak against magic. And eventually, dragons are all about the magic. I give the attackers to the dark forces of chaos and call it a day.

After that, I'm too tired for anything like exercise. Instead I send TPBM an anonymous note, stating that it's from a well-wisher wanting them to know that they've been betrayed, by someone close to them, who will step aside at the right time for an assassin to strike! The note, of course, is covered in a deadly contact poison. The more they read it, the more contact they'll have with it.

AvatarVecna
2014-10-08, 08:21 PM
Poison? Zombies are immune! And besides, I have no one I trust enough for their assault on me to be a surprise.

Zed wipes his hand all over the letter, getting it covered in contact poison. He then proceeds to jam it into TPBM's orifices one by one while screaming various slurs, as he is prone to do (I do not condone his behavior, but that's what he'd do).

Angsty Anubite
2014-10-08, 09:40 PM
My advanced reflexes dodge your horrendous attack, after which I chop off your limbs and ship each of them to a random location.

I then dunk the heads of the zombie-quintuple in poison and throw them all at TPBM.

backwaterj
2014-10-09, 02:42 AM
As a mechanical entity, I couldn't care less about the poison, nor the zombie heads except that they're blocking my field of fire. Oh well, target practice it is!

TPBM has wandered into the line of fire and takes a barrage of APDS rounds laced with zombie-head poison.

EmeraldRose
2014-10-10, 07:51 AM
Except I quickly built a shield from gears and spare parts you left laying around that soaks up all the damage from the rounds and redistributes the zombie head poison into the flowers and other plants around me.

When my new army of zombie plants and flowers have grown, I send them at TPBM to eat their brains.

Orm-Embar
2014-10-10, 08:52 AM
Pretty colorful! Fortunately, while zombies and flowers and poisonous zombie-flowers can shamble along at a surprisingly rapid pace, one thing they cannot do is fly; I, on the other hand, can.

I'm about to flame them all into drifting ash when I notice where the zombie-flower army is headed: right towards TPBM! This should be good. I settle down on a mountain to watch TPBM's demise.

Sange
2014-10-11, 12:52 PM
I summon a massive fireball to kill these zombies and zombie-plants.

Unfortunately, TPBM was at the center of the area the fireball hit.

Laughing Dog
2014-10-12, 11:36 AM
Devils. Are. Immune. To fire.:smallamused:

I pull a few strings, and arrange for TPBM to be rerouted into the Abyss.

@V: The kind that gets adventurers to get rid of the enemy for me. Besides, why would I want you adventurers wrecking my home plane?

backwaterj
2014-10-12, 02:57 PM
Not even Baator? What kind of devil are you?!

The thing about demons is they have horrible network security. I hack myself a portal to . . . oh, let's say Mechanus.

I send an army of zelekhuts after TPBM.

Angsty Anubite
2014-10-13, 01:06 AM
I call upon the power of Anubis to create a doppelganger who distracts the bounty hunters/executioners and always manages to distance himself from them at a length of 120 feet or more, leading them on a merry chase through the underworld.

Meanwhile, I lock TPBM in a windowless train car made of an alloy of adamantium and vibranium, but not before wrapping an ancient Egyptian scroll around them and bellowing in an ominous voice:

"Those that bear the foretold stare
have 66 seconds to live."

Marlowe
2014-10-13, 05:09 AM
Somewhat confused at what this was supposed to accomplish, I ascend to a height not exceeding four thousand metres and once I am not over a populated area destroy the train car with a low strength Diabolic Emission.

I then fire up a Genocide Shift Photon Lancer and direct it at the person below me and anyone else who happens to be in his/her area code.

Sange
2014-10-13, 11:57 AM
Genocide Photon Laser? Must be a Tuesday.

I use my modified mirror to redirect it towards TPBM.

backwaterj
2014-10-13, 05:49 PM
I adjust my chameleon coating to harmlessly absorb the Genocide Photons (idly musing that that would make a good band name).

Having gotten myself into a musical mood, I decide to blast some Ork Thrash at a decibel level that has been known to level skyscrapers, TPBM being in the vicinity both of myself and several skyscrapers.

AvatarVecna
2014-10-13, 09:33 PM
The zombie rock stars finds your dB level lacking, and counter your music with their own (bardic countersong FTW).

Incidentally, their music is loud enough, that TPBM, who was in the viscinity, would be instantly liquified, unless...

copycatcat
2014-10-13, 09:43 PM
TPBY is undead and thus immune to musical damage.

TBAY drops her box on your head, and double-PaOs it into a great wyrm gold dragon.

Targ Collective
2014-10-14, 04:07 AM
I sing sacred hymns of Light to protect myself. Om Shaddai! Adonai Tsebayot! I then use the power of sacred fire to cleanse TPBM. And give EmeraldRose a coffee, because she likes coffee.

backwaterj
2014-10-14, 04:51 AM
Thank you! My actuators and circuit boards need those pesky organic compounds burned away every now and then, and the sacred variety leaves me with the fresh scent of frankincense.

Unfortunately the flames have also lit one of my spare clips, which I fling quickly toward TPBM before it starts to go off like a firecracker.

Angsty Anubite
2014-10-15, 06:52 PM
I leap of the edge of a tall building while dodging the shards of the clip, matrix style.

Some of the shrapnel did manage to hit me, however, so I accelerate my body's healing factor by using the impact from a shard as a spark to call upon Divine Fire, causing a massive explosion of godly proportions directly on top of TPBM.

Orm-Embar
2014-10-15, 11:02 PM
That explosion overhead could have been mighty inconvenient, except that I happened to be sleeping under a mountain at the time.

Suddenly, I swoop down from the skies and breathe fiery destruction upon TPBM.

Marlowe
2014-10-16, 02:16 AM
I already am in the skies. And am immune to global extinction events--come to think of it, I am a global extinction event-- let alone fire. But I block the flames with a hand anyway.

Bored, I conjure an empowered, maximised, seeking, tungsten-cored Bloody Dagger and direct it at the person below me and at everyone else whose name begins with the same letter.

copycatcat
2014-10-16, 02:22 PM
Prismatic Sphere.

I cast Prismatic Wall and have my commanded undead Juggernaut bullrush you into it.

Marlowe
2014-10-17, 05:20 AM
I watch with some confusion as my fellow construct rushes around thousands of feet below.

Bored with this business of floating in the skies being invulnerable, I descend carefully to ground level, dismiss Sleipner, hail a cab to the home of the Person Below Me (I tell the driver I'm a German tourist), and politely ring the doorbell. When they answer I punch their head off.

Dudeons
2014-10-17, 09:34 AM
Good thing my indestructible sunglasses took the hit for me. You probably just broke your arm by punching them that hard.

Unfazed, I do the gentlemanly thing and try to fix your arm. I set the bone and quickly make a cast. Out of TPBM's skin.

Angsty Anubite
2014-10-17, 11:30 AM
I knock you away with the blunt end of my sickle. Weirdo.

If you're gonna rob organic material from someone's body, you go for the useful organs! Like I'm doing with TPBM. SLICE

cardrian
2014-10-17, 11:49 AM
Thankfully I'm level one, with a lot of blizzard spells junctioned to defense. I can soak that damage.

Best to start simple, I cast fire on TPBM.

Orm-Embar
2014-10-17, 12:46 PM
Fortunately, I can always rely on innate fire resistance for that kind of thing.

I rummage through all the junk that's accumulated on the lower levels of my dungeon until I dig out the god-slaying, soul-eating rune-sword (I won it off an albino wizard in a card game, long story). Then I take human form long enough to approach TPBM and plunge the sword into their heart, or approximately where you would expect to find a heart, about seventeen times.

backwaterj
2014-10-17, 06:06 PM
Well, I'm not a god and this shell contains no soul. That combined with super-tough ruthenium polymer skin and lack of a heart turns those sword blows pretty handily.

Irritated at the slight scuff on my chest, I kick the sword out of your hand and straight at TPBM's head.

Marlowe
2014-10-18, 01:36 AM
I absorb the sword into one of my internal matrices, where I trap it in an endless lotus-eater machine to help it satisfy its dreams and aspirations forever.

Then activate a wide-area Starlight Breaker and vapourise the city block, including The Person Below Me.

Septimus Faber
2014-10-18, 01:41 AM
Quickened Plane Shift says no.

I shift back, cast Stone Shape at the ground to create a decently sized pillar upon which to stand, and drop my table upon TPBM, laughing all the time.

Dire Moose
2014-10-18, 08:52 AM
I manage to catch the table with my antlers and hurl it at TPBM. I then charge and gore TPBM as well.

backwaterj
2014-10-18, 04:09 PM
I catch the table by the legs with my gecko-tipped fingers, swinging it around as a barricade against the charging moose to ram into in a comical horn-sticking collision.

Oh, how the tables have turned! :smallcool:

I siphon all the funds out of TPBM's bank account.

PersonofJid
2014-10-18, 05:50 PM
I don't have a bank account. Those are for the help.

I telekinetically crush TPBM's body to the size of a tennis ball.

Angsty Anubite
2014-10-19, 03:57 PM
Seeing a mind-flayer straining his eyes at me, I can immediately assume the worst. The moment I feel an invisible force take hold of me, I dash forward at supernatural speeds and tear a gash across your head, breaking your focus and preventing the creation of some smelly gods-awful dog jelly.

Not wanting to relive the experience of being squashed by telekinesis, I impale my sickles into PersonofJid, spin around wildly like a Tasmanian devil and launch him straight at TPBM.

cardrian
2014-10-19, 07:00 PM
Useing my Guardian Force's card command, I turn PersonofJid into a card before he hits me.

I then refine the card into a telekinetic attack spell and cast it on TPBM.

Marlowe
2014-10-20, 12:24 AM
I catch the card and reveal it as the Queen of Spades.

Somewhat disturbed that nobody appears to be doing anything about the massive collateral damage I have been causing, I teleport The Person Below Me into the core of XY Canis Majoris.

D_Lord
2014-10-20, 12:29 AM
Ok, this can't really hurt me. Oh well.

TPBM gets to eat a expaining expaning expanding ball of stuff. Yes I know what I wrote, Far Realm interesting.

Laughing Dog
2014-10-20, 12:31 AM
I use my Greater Teleport to 'port right back out. Next to you, as a matter of fact. I hand you the bill for the aforementioned collateral damage. Good day!

Ninja'd!

So I have indigestion for a while. No big deal.



I teleport next to TPBM and Fireball them. I 'port right back out.

Zaydos
2014-10-20, 12:52 AM
Energy Immunity (x4) is just one part of my daily buffs... along with Greater Anticipate Teleport. I hope you enjoy Dimensional Anchor and summoned archons.

I insert TPBM into the Tomb of Horrors.

backwaterj
2014-10-20, 04:50 PM
I leave. Carefully.

For no particular reason I grab TPBM's head and bash it full-force against my own titanium-reinforced cranium.

Orm-Embar
2014-10-20, 09:28 PM
It leaves a dent in both our skulls, but mine will heal.

I get TPBM into a game of chance with a bunch of halfling rogues. The game is rigged. So is the raid by the City Watch, who jail all the players and confiscate their funds as evidence.

Angsty Anubite
2014-10-20, 11:36 PM
Fortunately Thoth told me this ahead of time. Just another perk from serving the club of underworld judges.

I summon a doppelganger to play the game for me while hide out until the game ends, then steal the winnings when the guards come, melt it all down into liquid gold and pour it all over TPBM.

PersonofJid
2014-10-21, 03:00 PM
It just so happens that I was the Queen of Spades used in the game. The guards confiscated me along with everything else, so when you break into the guard house they capture you, interrogate you, beat you, torture you, and then leave you to die in the trackless desert. Unless you misbehave in which case they'll have to think of something nasty.

One Break Enchantment, Remove Curse, Greater Dispel and/or Heal spell later, and I'm back on my feet. I craft a Mirror of Opposition, face it towards TPBM, and activate it.

backwaterj
2014-10-21, 03:45 PM
I'm practicing my moonwalking (it's going to come back, really!) so I'm not looking as I knock the mirror backwards onto you, breaking it into a million pieces.

I get a turbocharged leafblower and launch the fragments of magical glass at TPBM.

Targ Collective
2014-10-21, 03:59 PM
My Light captures the magic glass

And shines in beauteous rays

The mirror,
reforged,
with enchantments to last
sends out scorching rays.

TPBM sits in the path of the laser light.

Who knows the fate in store for one
in the path of so much Light.

Orm-Embar
2014-10-21, 06:23 PM
They say innate fire resistance has a thousand and one uses, but there are at least a thousand and two.

I infiltrate TPBM's quest and steal their treasure map, replacing it with one of my own design that leads directly to the Castle of Certain Death - having first warned Baron D'Eath to expect TPBM for dinner.

Zaydos
2014-10-21, 06:26 PM
I have a fine dinner with D'Eath, ascertain whether he is actually competent enough for his fief and collect his overdue tribute. The surprise inspection actually turns up quite a few flaws and I may end up replacing Lord D'Eath with someone more competent.

I press the big blue button labeled pit trap dropping TPBM down a post onto the person below them at terminal velocity.

Jormengand
2014-10-21, 06:28 PM
Pfft. I can survive 20d6 fall damage.

Not sure about TPBM, who takes falling object damage, tough.

backwaterj
2014-10-21, 08:43 PM
Unless it's structural damage, no harm no foul.

Briefly wondering why I scaled down this pit trap in the first place, I suddenly remember, and spotting a glint in the corner I recover the legendary Blessed Heat-Seeking Missile Launcher of Bahamut. Of course it would be a shame not to test such an artifact out, so I fire a demolitions-grade salvo at TPBM.

Angsty Anubite
2014-10-23, 03:17 PM
Crap, there go my vital organs. Good thing the blast was chock-full of Divine Fire.

I explode in a gooey mess of blazing flesh, then struggle and yank my newly regenerated body out of the tissue and check on TPBM, whom I have accidentally violated with a mountain of boiling bodily fluids and toasted dog meat.

Orm-Embar
2014-10-23, 03:27 PM
A professional user of magic should keep at least three spells ready for instant use at all times, one for attack, one for defense, and one for escape. I heard that somewhere once. In any case, as a creature of magic, I happen to have an umbrella-shaped shield spell handy, and the rain of body parts, although disgusting, doesn't affect me at all.

As for TPBM, I rip the top off a mountain and hurl it at them - not forgetting to add spells of increased velocity, mass, and accuracy.

PersonofJid
2014-10-23, 04:25 PM
As you lift the mountaintop to throw it, I add one more spell to the mix. A spell to increase the gravity in your area 100 fold. Your mountain has become far too heavy to carry, much less throw.

TPBM, I use my mental abilities to crush your will and make you my newest thrall. I then order you to retrieve Orm-Embar's hoard for me.

backwaterj
2014-10-23, 04:30 PM
I'm a mechanical. Mind tricks don't work on me, only money.

Having been tipped off to your trickery by the telltale writhing of tentacles, I notify Orm-Embar, who deals with you and TPBM in a manner suited to his draconic majesty.

copycatcat
2014-10-23, 06:15 PM
I make Orm-Embar my new boots. I don't wear them for the moment, though.

I make TPBM my new hat.

Using PaO for both.

Dudeons
2014-10-24, 12:18 PM
And so I became a hat. However, you have to take it off and hang me up when you go to a friend's house that evening.

TPBM notices the hat on the hook, just as it jumps off and smothers them to death.

Angsty Anubite
2014-10-26, 08:54 PM
... Or it would have, had my snout not been too big for you to cover completely.

To remove the sentient hat, I light a fire in my mouth and shoot forth divine flames burning everything in their path—including TPBM.

Orm-Embar
2014-10-27, 07:19 AM
Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But probably not,
And anyway fire will never hurt me.

Having first devoured Copycatcat (from the feet up - what else do you expect from a pair of boots?) and thus regained my more natural draconic form, I stomp all over TPBM with my own size 9,000 feet claws.

backwaterj
2014-10-28, 05:34 PM
Curved claws that big have nice arches to them, and my reflexes are fine-tuned.

A good workout later, I disable the flight systems on a passing jumbo jet, sending it crashing into TPBM.

Twelvetrees
2014-10-28, 08:51 PM
Good thing I've got good reflexes as well. Improved evasion works wonders.

However, TPBM happened to be standing near me when the plane came crashing down...

AvatarVecna
2014-10-29, 06:23 AM
The destruction of the five zombie overlords results in Killabilly rising from the ashes of the plane crash.

He proceeds to tear apart a small city and throw it at TPBM.

Dudeons
2014-10-30, 10:17 AM
Unfortunately, he tears it apart too much, and the pieces are too small to hit me due to the distance I have.

However, I am able to form all of these chunks of city into a gigantic city-boulder, and I push it down the nearby cliff onto TPBM.

Targ Collective
2014-10-30, 06:52 PM
Orb of light

Flashes bright

Overcomes the boulders' might

I cry to the poster

down below

Let's go on an adventure together!

What ho!

And if EmeraldRose you be

I have for you here a fine coffee!

backwaterj
2014-10-31, 05:04 PM
Sure, I'm game. EmeraldRose can come too.

After an epic saga that spans 3-5 books or 8-12 Peter Jackson movies, we finally recover the Blessed Decanter of Endless Perfect Hot Coffee, learning much about ourselves and each other in the process.

Unfortunately during the celebration, we knock said decanter over on the top of a cliff, causing it to pour a torrential cascade of hot (and delicious) coffee onto TPBM.

Laughing Dog
2014-11-04, 02:05 PM
As I'm limping away from that fight with way too many Archons for my health, I hear the sound of something falling from above. I look up to see a falling decanter with what looks like coffee coming from it. It lands upon met, and though I am immune to the heat of the brew, it is Holy! My last few HP I have standing between me and -10 hp vanish, and so do I. I later wake back up in Hell I wonder to myself: "Will adventurers ever stop littering?"

Since I'm busy in Hell recovering and filling out paperwork, I fail to attack a Tanar'ri cult, who then rampage in the surrounding area, which TPBM happens to be in. Way to go, heroes!

Orm-Embar
2014-11-04, 02:28 PM
I invite the cultists in, ask them for one of their pamphlets and listen to them politely. They've apparently never had that happen before and it confuses them. Then, while I have their attention, I explain that Tiamat is the True Way, the Power, the Glory, the Fear and the Everlasting Fire. With examples featuring fiery breath and trampling.

TPBM is subjected to a convincing sales pitch from a sincere and charming gentleman who offers to hold all their excess gold and magic items in his extremely trustworthy and convenient banking establishment... and who promptly leaves town that night, since he has an early morning appointment to deliver a generous amount of tribute to his draconic overlord.