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Rex Idiotarum
2007-03-04, 03:03 PM
Welcome to AMEN



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No good Deeds allowed, to thank someone, you could merely just not kill them.
If a individual is assassinated by means of trout, and has now known heirs, the assassin inherits all the person's belongings and debt.
Never reveal the secret forum's easy to uncover address.
Stabbing is allowed and encouraged.
Twister, on the other hand, is not.
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.
If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.
Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.
I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.
Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.
I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.
If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.
When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.
If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.
If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.
I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.
I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.
Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.
I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.
If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.
I will not outsource core functions.
If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.
I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).
If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.
If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.
I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.
If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.
I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.
I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.
I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.
I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.
During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.
All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.
I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.
If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.
If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.
I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.
Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.
Parts of the list don't apply to AMEN.
Life has no meanin', meatbag. Only machines 'ave significance, on a cosmic scale.
The Previous Rules really don't matter

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-04, 03:05 PM
Yeah! AMEN FTW!

Oh, Rex, you have a card pending.

The Spin Doctor
2007-03-04, 03:05 PM
Wait...another thread? Which one do I go to? Whats going on? My head is spinning!

Rex Idiotarum
2007-03-04, 03:06 PM
After fifty pages, we turn over, simple.

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-04, 03:06 PM
Don't use the old one. Switch to this one.

Rex, take the card!

Castaras
2007-03-04, 03:06 PM
Now we activate our plan, yes?

The Spin Doctor
2007-03-04, 03:08 PM
I gotta go. Lunch. Maybe I'll look over the results of the battle, and get some nice facts to distort. Woo! Propaganda!

Rex Idiotarum
2007-03-04, 03:09 PM
*Sigh* EVIL seems to have fallen into inactivity, we're best to ignore them until they present a threat. We have bigger goals, but those are for later, I'll reveal them in 45 pages.


*picks up card*

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-04, 03:09 PM
KILL!
KILL!
KILL!
KILL!
KILL!
KILL!
KILL!

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 03:09 PM
Sorry about that temporary absence. Who does this spin doctor think he is anyways?

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-04, 03:12 PM
Oh, inside the card:

The probable:
"I prepared explosive runes this morning."

The impossible, but still more probable:
A tarrasque jumps out of the card. *squish*

And, the downright creepy:
(insert mushy love poem with puppies and flowers here)

The answer is: the second.
Actually, it's the third. *shudder*

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 03:12 PM
PirateMonk teleports in.

"Yay! By the way, no one minds that I hired the ICBINAs to design and construct most of the new base, right?"

((It's just AMEN II.))

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 03:14 PM
Nope. Especially since I took it upon myself to make repairs.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-03-04, 03:15 PM
Aw, Fus, I love you too. But you know it can never be, my heart is for one...

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-04, 03:17 PM
*cries*

Wait, who?

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 03:17 PM
"And no one minds that I gave them my instructions on how to create indelible Twister mats, as well as a temporary mental upgrade so they could understand it?"

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 03:18 PM
Aw, Fus, I love you too. But you know it can never be, my heart is for one...


Oh, just stop that Rex. You know it was a faulty clone. A drunk, faulty clone too!

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-04, 03:19 PM
*pieces two and two together*

OH GOD! MY MIND!

*dunks entire body in acid lake*

Rex Idiotarum
2007-03-04, 03:19 PM
*whistles* He's fully functional...and anatomically correct.

Castaras
2007-03-04, 03:20 PM
So when are you two going to get engaged?

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-04, 03:21 PM
*whistles* He's fully functional...and anatomically correct.

I know. That's why I'm in the lake.

*bathes*

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 03:21 PM
*pieces two and two together*

OH GOD! MY MIND!

*dunks entire body in acid lake*

Stop that. There are some perfectly viable alternatives on the OOTS forum.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 03:24 PM
Aww...is PM feeling lonely?

Get away from me, Rex. Even your gender-bended self was unattractive!

Castaras
2007-03-04, 03:24 PM
Oh no...Oh gods no...

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 03:27 PM
Aww...is PM feeling lonely?

Get away from me, Rex. Even your gender-bended self was unattractive!

Not like that. If I ever do, I have hundreds of clones, some GB'd.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 03:28 PM
Not like that. If I ever do, I have hundreds of clones, some GB'd.

Wait...so you've had... you know:smallwink: ... with yourself? :smalleek:

Castaras
2007-03-04, 03:29 PM
Wait...so you've had... you know:smallwink: ... with yourself? :smalleek:

* Clears a path to the addictive mouthwash *

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 03:31 PM
I gotta get me some more mouthwash before Castaras uses it all.

*Gets some more, and dunks own head in it.*

Saurous
2007-03-04, 03:32 PM
Wait...so you've had... you know:smallwink: ... with yourself? :smalleek:

...I hate you all.

*Rushes towards the mouthwash*

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 03:33 PM
Wait...so you've had... you know:smallwink: ... with yourself? :smalleek:

Not all the clones are of me.

Castaras
2007-03-04, 03:35 PM
Phew...

* Kicks Magtok and Saurous into mouthwash pond. *

Payback time!

Saurous
2007-03-04, 03:35 PM
*Drowns*

Dangit. I'll be right back. I need to go find a suitable clone.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 03:35 PM
Not all the clones are of me.

Well stay the heck away from my clones!

*swims out of mouthwash.*

Too bad Saurous never learned to swim.

Castaras
2007-03-04, 03:36 PM
Score!

* Bakes cake *

Saurous
2007-03-04, 03:37 PM
No, your cloning lab is on fire for the moment, I think.

*Floats over to his own lab, and comes back corporeal*

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 03:37 PM
I survived. Know why? I can swim!

...And Saurous, you didn't get them all. There's always the special Lab. The Lab where The One True Magtok resides. Its literally untouchable.

Saurous
2007-03-04, 03:38 PM
I can swim. It's just that the mouthwash was messing with my physical abilities. Low Constitution, ya know.

Castaras
2007-03-04, 03:39 PM
* Grumbles *

Well great. Have some cake.

Saurous
2007-03-04, 03:40 PM
Yes, I'm going to eat anything you made, Castaras

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 03:41 PM
<Eats cake>

Castaras
2007-03-04, 03:42 PM
* Dominate monster on Saurous *

* Dominate monster on Magtok *

* Bakes more cakes *

Eat these cakes!

* Nothing happens to PM *

@V Aren't you? Oh well. It still might work on humanoids.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 03:42 PM
((I'm not a monster.))

You know what? We should bake Castaras a cake! See how she likes a tatse of her own meds! *Runs to kitchen.*

...Wait. I dunno how to make a cake.

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 03:43 PM
I do! <Bakes a cake>

Castaras
2007-03-04, 03:45 PM
Why thanks, PM.

* Takes cake and eats *

Saurous
2007-03-04, 03:50 PM
*Goes off and bakes a cake for no real reason*

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 03:50 PM
Why thanks, PM.

* Takes cake and eats *

Nothing happens.

"Welcome. I found it in a book of Bitterleaf family recipes."

Castaras
2007-03-04, 03:51 PM
Very tasty.

* Finishes it off *

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 03:51 PM
*Goes off and bakes a cake for no real reason*

Can I try it?

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 03:52 PM
Do you know whats probably inside that Bitterleaf cake, Castaras? Organs.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-03-04, 03:53 PM
Margaret is no monster. The ol' bucket of bolts could very easily be called, say, an trigger-happy freak, or a foolish fool of foolery, or at the most basic a construct of our collective thoughts, given life by an immortal entity of god-killing proportions pressing it's face against the gooey skin of our world, but he's no monster.

And neither am I. I'm a goblin. There is such a wide line between being a golbin and being a monster that we have Neutral Zone treaties. Plus, I have a candy-cane for a sowrd. And a crossbow that I can shoot anyone but Marge with.

Plus, I shall refer to him as Marge or Margaret occasionally anymore. I no longer have the franchise on calling him Magie and he doesn't seem to mind it.

Saurous
2007-03-04, 03:53 PM
No, you can't have any, PM.


Do you whats probably inside that Bitterleaf cake, Castaras? Organs.

You know, that actually sounds somewhat good.

Castaras
2007-03-04, 03:53 PM
Well that's what's in my cakes as well. Adds extra flavour.

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 03:55 PM
Do you know whats probably inside that Bitterleaf cake, Castaras? Organs.

:smallfrown: Only from fiends.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 03:56 PM
Your own cloned organs were likely in that cake, Castaras.

Master of Gobbos, stop trying to give me a feminine nickname.

Castaras
2007-03-04, 03:57 PM
Don't worry Lady Maggie, I didn't taste anything like me in the cake.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-03-04, 04:00 PM
Hey, I can't GB you, I might as well GB your name.

Oh, and:

THE GOBLINS SHALL SOON RISE AGAINST YOU PATHETIC HUMANS AND YOUR SUPERIORITY COMPLEX! THE WAR WILL COME UPON YOU ALL! ALL SHALL BEFORE THE SEA OF GOBLINITY!

Plus, this forum has had a slow increase in goblinoid forumers in the last two months. Go Goblins!

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 04:01 PM
Your own cloned organs were likely in that cake, Castaras.

And from androids...


Master of Gobbos, stop trying to give me a feminine nnickname.

Lady Margaret sounds nice...

Castaras
2007-03-04, 04:01 PM
THE GOBLINS SHALL SOON RISE AGAINST YOU PATHETIC HUMANS AND YOUR SUPERIORITY COMPLEX! THE WAR WILL COME UPON YOU ALL! ALL SHALL BEFORE THE SEA OF GOBLINITY!

...I ain't human.

Saurous
2007-03-04, 04:01 PM
Hey, I can't GB you, I might as well GB your name.

Oh, and:

THE GOBLINS SHALL SOON RISE AGAINST YOU PATHETIC HUMANS AND YOUR SUPERIORITY COMPLEX! THE WAR WILL COME UPON YOU ALL! ALL SHALL BEFORE THE SEA OF GOBLINITY!

Plus, this forum has had a slow increase in goblinoid forumers in the last two months. Go Goblins!

What about elves? Will elves survive?

And, I believe organs are too generic. I use blood in my cakes. And flesh. Flesh works well, also

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 04:02 PM
Hey, I can't GB you, I might as well GB your name.

Oh, and:

THE GOBLINS SHALL SOON RISE AGAINST YOU PATHETIC HUMANS AND YOUR SUPERIORITY COMPLEX! THE WAR WILL COME UPON YOU ALL! ALL SHALL BEFORE THE SEA OF GOBLINITY!

Plus, this forum has had a slow increase in goblinoid forumers in the last two months. Go Goblins!

Can I join the uprising? I'm not a human.

Castaras
2007-03-04, 04:04 PM
What about elves? Will elves survive?

And, I believe organs are too generic. I use blood in my cakes. And flesh. Flesh works well, also

Exactly. Add a little brain seasoning as well. That always works well.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-03-04, 04:05 PM
No. The elves will be seiged upon next, one subrace at a time. PirateMonk, the fact is, your not green enough.

Castaras
2007-03-04, 04:06 PM
Only the surface elves or all elves?

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 04:06 PM
Don't worry Lady Maggie, I didn't taste anything like me in the cake.

You've tasted yourself? :smalleek:

Man you all are so kinky it scares me.

Lord of Gobbos, I'm only half human. And thats on a good day. Sometimes, I'm actually 7/8s robot. And I've seen a human side of you before, LF. A gender-bended human woman. So that makes you a...what do they call people who act the opposite of their own ideals and values?

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 04:07 PM
No. The elves will be seiged upon next, one subrace at a time. PirateMonk, the fact is, your not green enough.

<Wildshapes into Fullbladder's old form> Is this green enough?

Castaras
2007-03-04, 04:09 PM
You've tasted yourself? :smalleek:

I hate you.

* Summon Mouthwash IX, Pours mouthwash on head *

In answer to your question, Magrat, I've heard from critics that drow flesh tastes like mushrooms. No mushroom taste in that cake.

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 04:09 PM
You've tasted yourself? :smalleek:

Man you all are so kinky it scares me.

I only wanted to ride a sentient quadruped, for the last time. What could possibly be wrong with that?


Lord of Gobbos, I'm only half human. And thats on a good day. Sometimes, I'm actually 7/8s robot. And I've seen a human side of you before, LF. A gender-bended human woman. So that makes you a...what do they call people who act the opposite of their own ideals and values?

Is that rhetorical/sarcastic? I can't tell.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-03-04, 04:10 PM
"A Hypocrite? Yes, I am indeed that. But you see, there is some confusion as to my exact genetic structure."

Fullbladder stretches out a chunk of his skin in a cartoony way, to reveal a spiralling peice of DNA.

"We've yet to map the genome of even Goblin Fullbladder, let alone any other incarnations. Except my clone-sibling. He's most definately human. He also has immunity."

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 04:10 PM
No. The elves will be seiged upon next, one subrace at a time. PirateMonk, the fact is, your not green enough.

The fact tha you are unwilling to accept allies only proves you are just as obsessed with yourself as the humans are. And I'm sure even someone like Ayya could band everyone together to stop you. You don't stand a chance.

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 04:12 PM
The fact tha you are unwilling to accept allies only proves you are just as obsessed with yourself as the humans are. And I'm sure even someone like Ayya could band everyone together to stop you. You don't stand a chance.

Actually, I think Ayya could single-handedly stop him.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-03-04, 04:12 PM
"I have goblins on other worlds, Marge. An unholy legion, and the Ice Beasts of Nordor, the TriTroll Army amassed around Lore's Castle Fullbladder, Locksure Homely's Street Arabs, and the untold horrors of Iggy's Realm."

Castaras
2007-03-04, 04:14 PM
Nice...

And you said "Subrace" of elves at a time. Technically, we drow see ourselves not as elves. Therefore you won't be attacking us.

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 04:15 PM
"I have goblins on other worlds, Marge. An unholy legion, and the Ice Beasts of Nordor, the TriTroll Army amassed around Lore's Castle Fullbladder, Locksure Homely's Street Arabs, and the untold horrors of Iggy's Realm."

What about GURPS Goblins?

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 04:15 PM
I have all of AMEN, EVIL, the Town, and anyone else on the forum who opposes invasion.

Castaras
2007-03-04, 04:17 PM
Fullbladder once more shoulders his way in. Close at his heels is another, smaller goblin, approximately 1/10th the former's height.

"This is my.... son. Hide him. EVIL is a safe place so long as Magtok plots against it. Raise him well."

With that he leaves.
Fullbladder...:smallannoyed:

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-03-04, 04:18 PM
"It depends on the goblin slaves, Cas. Too many former slaves show up at the meetings with severe wounds, the more likely we are to touch the Underbelly of the World.

What? I can't raise him! He's basically a clone anyway..."

Saurous
2007-03-04, 04:19 PM
"It depends on the goblin slaves, Cas. Too many former slaves show up at the meetings with severe wounds, the more likely we are to touch the Underbelly of the World.

What? I can't raise him! He's basically a clone anyway..."

Not only are you trusting EVIL, but you're mimicking Jango Fett? That's just sick.

Castaras
2007-03-04, 04:19 PM
* Sends message to kill all goblin slaves *

Right, ok.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-03-04, 04:20 PM
Technically, Saurous, I'm mimicking Batman.

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 04:24 PM
Not only are you trusting EVIL, but you're mimicking Jango Fett? That's just sick.

Of course you can trust EVIL. They're saps. Except Shadow and his pedophile lackeys. Avoid them.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 04:24 PM
Soo...when did you decide to be a father, LF? And why? If you're not gonna even raise him yourself, whats the point?

Castaras
2007-03-04, 04:25 PM
:smalleek:

Who's the mother?

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 04:25 PM
Its a clone, Castaras. Duh.

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 04:26 PM
Soo...when did you decide to be a father, LF? And why? If you're not gonna even raise him yourself, whats the point?

Like he said, to annoy Meynolds.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-03-04, 04:27 PM
Nah, man. He'd have a very traumatic life, his father always being killed, if he stayed with me. I mean, it's not like he won't be raised well by the do-gooders, and then I can train him into his neutrally true potential--as the Next Lord Fullbladder.

Not a clone. Basically a clone. Seriously. Close to the same DNA, but yet so very far off.

Saurous
2007-03-04, 04:27 PM
We have massive amounts of cloning material, and everyone here has about 1,895 different clones to back them up. Of course it's a clone. If it wasn't a clone, it'd probably be Ayya.

Castaras
2007-03-04, 04:27 PM
Like he said, to annoy Meynolds.

* Final message before disappearing *

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-03-04, 04:31 PM
Not exactly MY clone, given the fact that I incorporated Castaras's and Ayya's DNA in the process. It's like a child!

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 04:33 PM
Not exactly MY clone, given the fact that I incorporated Castaras's and Ayya's DNA in the process. It's like a child!

Can I be his teacher? I'm Ayya's new mathematcical adviser. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=2137244#post2137244)

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 04:34 PM
What?!? You didn't put MC's DNA in the kid? He'll never reach his true violent potential now! And by the way, is it a boy or girl? I can't tell gobbos apart, and how old is he/she?

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 04:37 PM
So, is the little fella back from his "visit" to Banjulhu Iggy?

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-03-04, 04:42 PM
Mael, one day old. I'd have incorporated your DNA, Maggie, but you're rather difficult to hunt down and sneak up on.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 04:44 PM
You could've just asked. I'd be more than happy to spill some blood to give a kid a proper dosage of my power-lust.

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 04:46 PM
Mael, one day old. I'd have incorporated your DNA, Maggie, but you're rather difficult to hunt down and sneak up on.

What about me? Are my avatar guards too intimidating?

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 04:47 PM
You could've just asked. I'd be more than happy to spill some blood to give a kid a proper dosage of my power-lust.

And, judging by what I've seen of the clones, normal lust...

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 04:49 PM
I told you, those were the side effects of the fact that the DNA that they are inserted with is degrading. I'm going to need to temporarily become a full-fledged human so I can restock the gene pool at the labs.

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 04:57 PM
I told you, those were the side effects of the fact that the DNA that they are inserted with is degrading. I'm going to need to temporarily become a full-fledged human so I can restock the gene pool at the labs.

Oh, you mean the Fermium rods I left lying in there for months? Yeah, sorry about that...

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 05:01 PM
Jerk.

On a related note, I was thinking about getting a non-cyborg avatar. Same pose and everything, just my metal replaced with skin. The EMP jokes are wearing thin, and so is the song Rex edited.

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 05:02 PM
Jerk.

On a related note, I was thinking about getting a non-cyborg avatar. Same pose and everything, just my metal replaced with skin. The EMP jokes are wearing thin, and so is the song Rex edited.

But... Lord, you- aw, forget. Can I have them?

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 05:04 PM
Have what? Whats them? The rods? Take 'em! I don't need them!

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 05:06 PM
Have what? Whats them? The rods? Take 'em! I don't need them!

No, your cybernetics. The rods- well, I forgot where I left them, now that I think about it. Dig them out your self.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 05:09 PM
No! Thats like asking a man for his...you know. Never! I've grown too attached to it to let you soil it with your dirty, dirty forms of entertainment.

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 05:16 PM
No! Thats like asking a man for his...you know. Never! I've grown too attached to it to let you soil it with your dirty, dirty forms of entertainment.

I WANTED TO RIDE A QUADRUPED!

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 05:18 PM
So you endorse bestiality, PM? Thats...kinky.

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 05:22 PM
So you endorse bestiality, PM? Thats...kinky.

NOT RIDE LIKE THAT! HE WAS A QUADRUPED!

Saurous
2007-03-04, 05:24 PM
NOT RIDE LIKE THAT! HE WAS A QUADRUPED!

Sounds like someone is a zoophiliac. Creepy.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 05:24 PM
NOT RIDE LIKE THAT! HE WAS A QUADRUPED!

So was Saurous when MC rode him last night. And why do you like quadrupeds so much?

Have you met Atreyu? He's a masked llama and a real live quadruped! :smallwink:

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 05:39 PM
So was Saurous when MC rode him last night. And why do you like quadrupeds so much?

Have you met Atreyu? He's a masked llama and a real live quadruped! :smallwink:

GRRR! I HATE Ykh /,,\

7KA <KKM AB?F GKH?%S XK&S\ j?* ZLS?MJ&V J& $DGLFKVD?*Z ?V?J&\

Saurous
2007-03-04, 05:40 PM
So was Saurous when MC rode him last night. And why do you like quadrupeds so much?

Have you met Atreyu? He's a masked llama and a real live quadruped! :smallwink:

What is with you and that sort of thing? Just because you're incapable of doing such things, does not mean you have to interferre with everyone else's "activities"




....Crap.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 05:45 PM
So the kid is your child and hers too!

Saurous
2007-03-04, 05:46 PM
So the kid is your child and hers too!

CLONING EXPERIMENT, DAMNIT!

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 05:55 PM
Oh, it was an experiment all right.:smallwink:

Raistlin1040
2007-03-04, 05:56 PM
[quagmire voice]All right![/quagmire voice]

Saurous
2007-03-04, 05:59 PM
Oh, it was an experiment all right.:smallwink:

I hate you all. :smallannoyed:

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 06:13 PM
Meh, everyone hates me. Even my clones. :smallfrown:

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-04, 06:14 PM
*comes back*

Did I hear something about an uprising?

Raistlin1040
2007-03-04, 06:14 PM
I don't hate you. Much.

Saurous
2007-03-04, 06:16 PM
*comes back*

Did I hear something about an uprising?

No, you missed it. Among other things.

*A child with an appreance somewhere between Saurous and Moon walks past*

Raistlin1040
2007-03-04, 06:18 PM
OMG! It's the illegitimate love child of Moon and Saurous! Alert the press.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 06:18 PM
*comes back*

Did I hear something about an uprising?

Uprising? I should get the androids together and..forget it. Too much effort. *Sobs.*


OMG! It's the illegitimate love child of Moon and Saurous! Alert the press.

Already did.

Saurous
2007-03-04, 06:19 PM
OMG! It's the illegitimate love child of Moon and Saurous! Alert the press.

Shut up.



Uprising? I should get the androids together and..forget it. Too much effort. *Sobs.*

Don't worry. No one really cares that you're useless.

Raistlin1040
2007-03-04, 06:21 PM
*pats Magtok on back* Good job rookie. This'll hit the front page of the nearest gossip paper or my name isn't Rais T. Lin1040

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 06:22 PM
Aw, Lord Magtok's feeling sad. Hey, I know what would cheer him up: a Twister game! Ayya! Ayya! Forget it. <Sits down next to Lord Magtok>

Saurous
2007-03-04, 06:24 PM
Is it the same paper that I submitted the story about the PM and Quadrupedal Fus. story?

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 06:25 PM
Yup it is.

Saurous
2007-03-04, 06:28 PM
Ah, good. At least I won't be the only one embarrassed by this charade. Hopefully PM will destroy the paper from rage before anyone can really read it.

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 06:31 PM
Ah, good. At least I won't be the only one embarrassed by this charade. Hopefully PM will destroy the paper from rage before anyone can really read it.

Sorry, I just had the false parts translated into cryptograms. And no one besides me knows how to translate them.

Saurous
2007-03-04, 06:43 PM
*Wanders off for no real reason. Maur walks off, also*

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 06:44 PM
None of it was false. And why can't I erase that depression virus? It won't go-

Ah, forget it. Not worth the aggravation.

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 06:47 PM
None of it was false.

Of course...


And why can't I erase that depression virus? It won't go-

I told you, we must work with EVIL to destroy the Fermium rods.

Saurous
2007-03-04, 07:01 PM
*Elsewhere, one can hear little Saurous talking*

This must be mom's room. What's all over the walls?

*Meanwhile, Saurous slams his head into a table*

Deathcow
2007-03-04, 07:09 PM
Hello! Just a friendly message from the good folks at EVIL, letting you know that it's not too late to repent of all your various wrongdoings and join the side of Good!

We have cookies on Thursdays and Fridays. With sprinkles, just in case you're curious.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 07:18 PM
No thanks. I can't process cookies. I'll let the others know you were here, though. Not that they'll listen to me...:smallfrown:

Saurous
2007-03-04, 07:20 PM
*Maur walks over to Saurous, and hands him a small magazine*

I was digging in the closet and found this.

*Saurous looks over the magazine. His eyes widen*

Um, Magtok, I think we just found another one of Fus.'s stashes.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 07:22 PM
Well, the fireplace is over there. *Points to fireplace.*

That's where I threw LF's Playgoblin.

Saurous
2007-03-04, 07:23 PM
*Tosses the disgusting magazine into the fire, and then goes back to quietly slamming his head into the table*

Rex Idiotarum
2007-03-04, 07:23 PM
Cookies only on Tuesday and Thursdays?
Scoff, we're the evil organization that funded the Cookie Revolution, we have 1,156 types of cookies always available.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 07:24 PM
By the way Maur, we have videogames downstairs. Wanna play SWB 2?

Edit: Rex is right. You'll need to do better than that. Not that I care...:smallfrown:

Saurous
2007-03-04, 07:28 PM
Uh, okay. I have nothing else to do, since daddy apparently went crazy.

*Saurous moans*

Deathcow
2007-03-04, 07:30 PM
Cookies only on Tuesday and Thursdays?
Scoff, we're the evil organization that funded the Cookie Revolution, we have 1,156 types of cookies always available.

That's Thursdays and Fridays to you, Mister. And I haven't even mentioned the pies yet... mmm, glorious pie.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 07:30 PM
Wanna do co-op or versus, Maur? I'll probably make us lose if we do co-op though...:smallfrown:

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-04, 07:31 PM
*hacks into Magtok and erases depression program*

Saurous
2007-03-04, 07:32 PM
That's Thursdays and Fridays to you, Mister. And I haven't even mentioned the pies yet... mmm, glorious pie.

Castaras can make pie and cake. Even though, most of her pies can kill.



Versus, I guess.

Deathcow
2007-03-04, 07:35 PM
The pies are guaranteed to be made from apples, pecans, and pumpkins, too. No organs or poisons or whatever it is you AMEN people bake into your pies.

Not that tasty baked goods should be your only motivation for turning Good. There's also the sense of peace and joy and unconditional love.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-03-04, 07:35 PM
C'mon, Castaras' pies can't be beaten, my cookies have few rivals, but none of them are Good, so you really can't beat us with Desserts, try again some other time.

If you're appealing to Altruism, then you should go someplace where it exists, which is not here.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 07:36 PM
Wait...I'm not depressed anymore! Thanks Fus.!

*Gives him one of PM's half animal children as thanks*

Prepare to lose horribly, kid! You won't stand a chance...to the Empire!

Saurous
2007-03-04, 07:37 PM
The pies are guaranteed to be made from apples, pecans, and pumpkins, too. No organs or poisons or whatever it is you AMEN people bake into your pies.

Not that tasty baked goods should be your only motivation for turning Good. There's also the sense of peace and joy and unconditional love.

But the organs give it that distinct taste!


*Maur kicks Magtok's hind quarters in the first round*

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-04, 07:39 PM
That's where I threw LF's Playgoblin.

Holy crap!
*looks around*

*runs into LF's room, and quickly runs out with a stack of magazines*

Saurous
2007-03-04, 07:40 PM
*The magazines suddenly come alive in Fus.'s hands, and then explode. Saurous remains quiet, even though he is the obvious cause of it*

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 07:42 PM
*Maur kicks Magtok's hind quarters in the first round*

You got lucky that time, kid. I was underestimating you.

*Magtok complete annihilates Maur in round two.*

By the way, when we head back upstairs, tell your dad that your mom called. From the moon. She's calling collect.

Saurous
2007-03-04, 07:45 PM
I don't think dad would laugh at that. Mommy wouldn't, either.

*Maur annihlates Magtok in round three. Saurous walks downstairs and watches*

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 07:47 PM
Darn, you made me lose my focus, Saurous.

*Defeats Maur again.*

Say, you're pretty good. Much better than your unhip, eavesdropping father, if you ask me.

Saurous
2007-03-04, 07:49 PM
I'm sorry, what was that Magtok? Have you even seen me play video games?

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 07:52 PM
Yeah. First thread, remember?

You''ve got a pretty neat kid, Saurous. Makes me wish mine was still that young and not out to kill me.

Saurous
2007-03-04, 07:57 PM
*Maur beats Magtok. Again*

I'm bored. Dad, you want to take my place?

*Saurous takes the controller from Maur*

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 08:02 PM
Forget this. I have to start thinking about a sucessor again. I still have no plan yet.

*Leaves basement.*

If only my son hadn't done what he did. then I never would've had to be a cyborg. Ah, those were the good old days.

Saurous
2007-03-04, 08:20 PM
*Saurous doesn't really care. He yawns, and then heads back upstairs. He enters his quarters and begins doodling on a notepad.*

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 08:53 PM
Hey Maur, did you know you're dad's eyes used to be red? I ain't kidding. He yelled something about color kids one day, and rushed in with a bright blue primary color set of eyes.

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 08:55 PM
*hacks into Magtok and erases depression program*

We need to defeat the Fermium rods, or the program will be back again!

Oh, and red is a primary color.

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-04, 08:55 PM
*sleeps it off*

PirateMonk
2007-03-04, 08:56 PM
Forget this. I have to start thinking about a sucessor again. I still have no plan yet.

*Leaves basement.*

If only my son hadn't done what he did. then I never would've had to be a cyborg. Ah, those were the good old days.

You don't like being a cyborg? Then what's the point? You could always get out of it with cloning.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 08:57 PM
Where can I find these Fermium fiends? They'll pay for what they did to me! I was touched by a filthy EVIL newbie because of them!

And I CAN'T get it out with cloning. Certain divine beings have forced every clone to be a cyborg, and I even tired taking someone else's body once, and they were turned to a cyborg.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-03-04, 09:11 PM
"Gawd, Fus. I'm gone for three days and you fill my room with your filth. I need a redecorator. ..... And a sponge soaked in acid."

Fullbladder walks into his room with a hasmat suit on, and a flamethrower. He is shortly followed by a Discworld Troll with a face of granite. Shortly the sound of fire can be heard, followed by voices.

"Well, gee, boss. We could redo it in a nice shade or navy blue. Maybe add a nice a nice fireplace or sometink."

"Yes. We could use a fireplace in here. Add some new carpeting, maybe a fancy candelabra, spruce up the place."

"Where you want us to set up the anti-Fus system?"

"Door. Window. Trapdoor. Anywhere a dog or a god or a demon could get in."

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 09:13 PM
Hey, LF. I've been thinking about my eventual mortality, and... I was wondering if I could borrow the thing you used to make your kid from people's DNA. Just to see if I could get something that'd work.

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-04, 09:19 PM
*plants bomb on LF's door*

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-03-04, 09:20 PM
Fullbladder sticks his head out the door, and the troll can be seen scurrying about with very peices of furniture.

"Go for it. It's in the ol' catacombs under your lab, where I naturally placed my lab, so I could syphon off your research funds and snatch your equipment. Look for the massive, classic Sci-Fi looking computer next to the giant rotating test tube that is on an angle and has 'Fullbladder Expedition' stamped near the top. You can't miss it. It's right next to the giant tyrannasaurous robot and the pit I store the velociraptors in."

He then removes the bomb, ducks back in and continues directing the hapless decorator.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 09:29 PM
Umm...okay.

*Finds it, and puts a sample of PM's spit, MC's left arm, Saurous's kidney, Fus.'s heart, Castaras's hair, Ayya's pink and blood-matted hair, and Rex's often-spilled blood into the machine.*

And now for the finishing touches...

*Cuts finger and allows blood to spill into machine, and empties a bottle of some unknown person's DNA into the machine.*

*Takes the combined specimen to the cloning lab.*

It should be ready soon.

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-04, 09:49 PM
I'm afraid...

Lord Magtok
2007-03-04, 09:58 PM
You should be, Fus. We all should. It will be the combined might of AMEN's insanity, power-lust, and hatred for good.

I shall call it...The ALPHA AND THE OMEGA Agent.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-03-04, 10:53 PM
"What, no Fullbladder? *sigh* I alvays get left out."

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-05, 08:37 AM
I think it's already going to be an abomination already...

Castaras
2007-03-05, 11:05 AM
* Blink *

I'm not with these people. I'm freelancing.

* Bakes cakes and popcorn *

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 02:47 PM
You mentioned your DNA earlier, LF. I thought it'd be too risky to put your genetic code into it. Not to say I didn't include goblin DNA in the bottle. I may taken some samples from your child earlier.

Also, please don't be mad if something goes horribly wrong, and the end result looks nothing like anyone. Evil experiments tend to go horribly wrong. often. We may accidently create a hero. Keep your guard up, everybody.

Madmal
2007-03-05, 02:51 PM
*Malmagor pops in*
whose gonna keep his/her guard up? i don't see anybody here....except for you, of course....

Mr. Moon
2007-03-05, 02:53 PM
You're the mother of Maur, the child you had with Saurrous! He's a rather likable kid, and I think he has your eyes. :smallbiggrin:

Now before you go on a murderous rampage to kill your sweetie for impregnating you, remember to take it outside so Maur isn't scarred for life by the scene.

Oh, and we got to a new thread, and I think its safe to say I've properly un-kink-ified the HQ. :smallsmile:

By the way, I had to take some of your hair for genetic experimentation. I'm trying to make myself a kid, because thinking about you two got me depressed and thinking about my eventual mortality.:smallbiggrin:

...Is all this too much? Has your brain exploded yet? Mine did. Three times, in fact. Waste of some perfectly good clones, too.

Well, that that. Nothing else disturbing happened. Try not to barf all over the new thread. :smallannoyed:

See ya soon!


Erm... what? I have some reading to do, don't I?

Madmal
2007-03-05, 02:57 PM
Erm... what? I have some reading to do, don't I?

definately...i suggest you also read the EVIL thread...

Castaras
2007-03-05, 03:08 PM
^ Seconded.

* Laughs *

Saurous
2007-03-05, 03:27 PM
*Walks in, and then immediately turns back around after reading over the conversation*

Castaras
2007-03-05, 03:31 PM
MC! Aren't you going to say hello to your darling?

Saurous
2007-03-05, 03:40 PM
*A note pops up on the entrance to Saurous' quarters. It reads:


Sorry, Saurous is busy at the moment. Please refrain from busting in and ripping his organs out.

And, no, I'm not only putting this here because I'm trying to figure out how to escape my death. Again.*

Castaras
2007-03-05, 03:43 PM
* Picks up chocolates and takes to MC's door, leaving the chocolates by the door. Picks up popcorn and takes to Saurous' door leaving outside. Both have love notes. Quickly locks self in kitchen. *

Saurous
2007-03-05, 03:48 PM
*The door to Saurous' quarters opens a crack. A hand comes from the crack and picks up the note. It then recoils. It can be guessed that whoever controlls the hand is now looking over the note*

Castaras
2007-03-05, 03:50 PM
The note talks of MC's love and how well their son is getting on, yadder yadder yadder.

* Busies self with making attack food, just in case *

Saurous
2007-03-05, 03:52 PM
*A quiet "fwoosh" noise is heard. The sound of fake love notes suddenly combusting. The same hand reaches out and picks up the popcorn*

Castaras
2007-03-05, 03:55 PM
* Finishes cooking attack food and hides *

Saurous
2007-03-05, 03:57 PM
*A note and a cookie appear in front of Castaras*

Castaras
2007-03-05, 03:59 PM
* Telekinesis note over to her and reads. Resists the temptation to take the cookie instantly. *

Nekulor
2007-03-05, 04:19 PM
*blows the room with castaras and the others up with a nuclear cookie he planted in the main batch*

Saurous
2007-03-05, 04:19 PM
*The note reads:


Thank you for the obviously-fake note. At this point, I'm fairly good at telling the difference between people's handwritting. Also, the cookie is going to explode in about three seconds.

Three seconds later, the cookie combusts in a massive explosion*

Nekulor
2007-03-05, 04:21 PM
*yells at saurus*
Hey, that's my supercombustive cookie, and you stole it to make a note threat!

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 04:22 PM
Saurous, you Do know what'll happen when MC gets back, right? I think she may go after me too, especially since I made most of those MC+S comments.

I...just remembered I have some...maintainence to do...in the secret ultra-secure nuke-proof room.

Saurous
2007-03-05, 04:26 PM
And I'm doing some necromancy experiments over in the anti-pissed-off demon-female laboratory. I'm glad we have that lab.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 04:29 PM
I just remembered...I can female-proof this room! Woohoo! Lets see her get me now!

...She is a girl, right? :smalltongue:

Castaras
2007-03-05, 04:29 PM
* The explosion does nothing to the well protected half-drow. *

Whew. No harm done to...

* Looks at the mess *

MY KITCHEN! NOOOOO!

Saurous
2007-03-05, 04:38 PM
I just remembered...I can female-proof this room! Woohoo! Lets see her get me now!

...She is a girl, right? :smalltongue:


Shut the **** up. :smallannoyed:





* The explosion does nothing to the well protected half-drow. *

Whew. No harm done to...

* Looks at the mess *

MY KITCHEN! NOOOOO!

*Laughs cruelly*

Castaras
2007-03-05, 04:39 PM
* Picks up pies. *

He wrecked my kitchen.

* Walks out of the kitchen *

He wrecked my kitchen.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 04:41 PM
Shut the **** up. :smallannoyed:

She's a guy?!? I knew it! She always seemed way too manly. Then that makes you the fem- :smallbiggrin:

Nevermind. One person raging against me is bad enough.

Saurous
2007-03-05, 04:44 PM
She's a guy?!? I knew it! She always seemed way too manly. Then that makes you the fem- :smallbiggrin:

Nevermind. One person raging against me is bad enough.


No, she's female. It felt like a joke against my masculinity.



And, dear Gods, Castaras is wielding pies.

*Hides deep in the anti-female lab*

Castaras
2007-03-05, 04:46 PM
Am I glad I have a gender changing belt...

* Puts it on. Throws an explosive-pie-that-eats-through-everything-except-creator at the room. It explodes. *

Saurous
2007-03-05, 04:48 PM
Oh for the love of-


I'm running out of damned clones.

*Floats off*

Castaras
2007-03-05, 04:51 PM
* Rage fades. Attempts to get belt off. *

Aww, crap. That isn't going well.

Saurous
2007-03-05, 04:58 PM
*Floats back*

Well, the bad news is that I can't get any more clones for an hour or two. The good news is that Moon Called can't kill me now. The great news is that Castaras just accidentally turned herself into a man. I'm going to go laugh my incorporeal hind-end off.

Castaras
2007-03-05, 05:01 PM
Great. If someone removes this curse I'll give them popcorn that hasn't been added to at all, like Saurous' was.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 05:14 PM
I'd help, but I can't come out and risk being attacked by MC, and I'm the circuitry and gadgets person, not the magicky wizard person.

And seeing you suffer is just TOO funny.

Saurous
2007-03-05, 05:15 PM
Well, the "magicky wizard person" can't do much at the moment, being incorporeal. And, I think I'm going to burn all the scrolls we have of "Remove Curse".


And am I the only one who thinks Moon is going to find a way to kill me, even if I'm already dead?

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 05:17 PM
She'll probably suck you into a vacuum cleaner, Saurous.

Castaras
2007-03-05, 05:17 PM
Nope, you're not. And I'll help her find a way.

* Summons a scroll of remove curse and prepares to cast from it *

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 05:19 PM
*Casts "jump out of hiding and rip up the scroll."*

Castaras
2007-03-05, 05:21 PM
* The belt comes half off before the scroll is ripped apart. *

What the...

* Summons another scroll and quickly casts it again. Belt comes off. *

That's better.

Saurous
2007-03-05, 05:36 PM
Well, they'll never be able to catch me and put me in a vacuu-

*Is suddenly sucked back into a newly-made clone*


Oh. DAMNIT.

Castaras
2007-03-05, 05:38 PM
* Fades away laughing *

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-05, 05:57 PM
Is the monster done yet?

Saurous
2007-03-05, 06:12 PM
*Looks around the suddenly quiet headquarters*

It's far too quiet in here. We need some explosions. Or speech. Speech works, also.

Madmal
2007-03-05, 06:19 PM
*sudden voice from Saurous back*
Definately, your place is so boring.....

PirateMonk
2007-03-05, 06:37 PM
<Runs into the lab and implants an anti-goodness gene in the monster>

Guard this day and night. We don't want the Fermium rods to get it.

Actually, I'll just have my gods and avatars guard it.

Saurous
2007-03-05, 06:59 PM
Typically, I'd be in hiding until I know I'm not going to be gutted by someone like Castaras or MC...

*Lands a spell inbetween a nearby paladin's eyes*

...but I don't really care anymore. It's funny how fear goes away when someone isn't online.

PirateMonk
2007-03-05, 07:19 PM
<Summons Asmodeus> Feel like relaxing by taking down the ruler of the Nine Hells?

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-03-05, 07:24 PM
Fullbladder looms up behind PirateMonk.

"I smell... I smell..... Hmm. Fermium."

The deranged goblin then proceeds to pick PirateMonk up, look at the floor where the little Belakrite was standing, and then dash off doglike along the trail of whatever Fermium he is talking about. He quickly returns with several Fermium Rods.

"Now what 'ave we 'ere den?"

He rotates the rods, to reveal "PirateMonk Expedition" stamped near one end (because every good experiment needs the experimenter's name stamped on it with 'Expedition").

"Looks like we've got a bit o' a saboteur. I found these up agaisnt my Velociraptor Pheremone Harvester. I wonder what they would be doing there?" the accusing goblin looks suspiciously upon upon PirateMonk.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 07:27 PM
Yeah, what are you trying to pull, kid?

PirateMonk
2007-03-05, 07:27 PM
Fullbladder looms up behind PirateMonk.

"I smell... I smell..... Hmm. Fermium."

The deranged goblin then proceeds to pick PirateMonk up, look at the floor where the little Belakrite was standing, and then dash off doglike along the trail of whatever Fermium he is talking about. He quickly returns with several Fermium Rods.

"Now what 'ave we 'ere den?"

He rotates the rods, to reveal "PirateMonk Expedition" stamped near one end (because every good experiment needs the experimenter's name stamped on it with 'Expedition").

"Looks like we've got a bit o' a saboteur. I found these up agaisnt my Velociraptor Pheremone Harvester. I wonder what they would be doing there?" the accusing goblin looks suspiciously upon upon PirateMonk.

That's just my stash. I was about to destroy them anyway <does so> and if it was the Fermium rods, you'd be dead. And I don't mean floating around in the Cosmic Nothing or regenerating a new body.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 07:32 PM
*Looks around the suddenly quiet headquarters*

It's far too quiet in here. We need some explosions. Or speech. Speech works, also.

You know, you're right. We need some explosions.

*Teleports a nuke to the inside of Saurous's head.*

http://www.jpb.com/pictures/valpocella.jpg

PirateMonk
2007-03-05, 07:42 PM
So, are we going to kill Asmodeus or not? Maur needs to learn to fight sometime...

Meynolds
2007-03-05, 07:55 PM
Some candy appears near Magtok.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 07:58 PM
*It is tossed out the door.*

Candy? We don't need no steenkin' candy!

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-03-05, 08:01 PM
"Wait, which of the various incarnations of Asmodeus are we talking abiout here? I've met quite a few, and have the insight to carry around my own shrew."

Fullbladder holds up the aforementioned shrew, and subsequently hefts his crossbow.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 08:02 PM
A shrew? You mean like the little rodent thingy?

As for this Asmodeus, will my nukes work?

Chaotic Bob
2007-03-05, 08:04 PM
Wait, shouldn't that shrew being trying to maul you viciously?

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-03-05, 08:07 PM
"I've kept this shrew with for a while now, DeBunny. It's quite used to me. Used to maul like the dickens, though. I went through jackets like crazy back then..."

PirateMonk
2007-03-05, 08:10 PM
A shrew? You mean like the little rodent thingy?

As for this Asmodeus, will my nukes work?

There's been a long debate on whether nukes qualify as hellfire...

Chaotic Bob
2007-03-05, 08:12 PM
"I've kept this shrew with for a while now, DeBunny. It's quite used to me. Used to maul like the dickens, though. I went through jackets like crazy back then..."

So you tamed a shrew then? Good gods, it must be the apocolypse.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 08:12 PM
There's been a long debate on whether nukes qualify as hellfire...

Lets find out.

*Nukes like hellfire.*

http://www.stevequayle.com/News.alert/06_Nukes/06_Nuke_pics/060222.nuke.nightmare.jpg

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-05, 08:15 PM
Megaton Bombos!

*begins casting spell*

Oh crap. I forgot this spell takes like 10 minutes to cast.

*hums*

PirateMonk
2007-03-05, 08:15 PM
Great. Now let the kid have a shot at it.

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-05, 08:24 PM
*spell is finished*

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/c9/Nuclear_fireball.jpg/250px-Nuclear_fireball.jpg

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 08:28 PM
Umm...Saurous? Its time for Maur to get to some XP, and work towards the goal of living up to his parents's rep around here.

Saurous
2007-03-05, 08:29 PM
Um...okay...

*Maur walks up, and makes the thing explode*

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v236/TAYLOR444/Small-scaleexplosion.jpg

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 08:31 PM
Wow...he's got much more skill with dramatic explosions than you, Saurous.

...I think the student's well on his way to surpassing the master. :smallamused:

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-03-05, 08:34 PM
And then we get the long speech of "Last we met, I was but the learner--now I am the Master." Followed by him killing you.

Yay!

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 08:38 PM
I'll go get some black cyborg armor for when Saurous dips Maur in lava out of shame for being outdone by his son.

PirateMonk
2007-03-05, 08:38 PM
PirateMonk knocks out Maur.

"Not today, I'm afraid."

Saurous
2007-03-05, 08:40 PM
Nah, he'll be trained in the dark arts under me for years, and then be murdered in his sleep if he gets unruly.


Also, my massive explosion:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v236/TAYLOR444/Explosion20test202e.jpg

PirateMonk
2007-03-05, 08:42 PM
"Okay, it appears Asmodeus is dead. I declare Maur Lord of the Nine Hells once he wakes up. Anyone want to debate that?"

Chaotic Bob
2007-03-05, 08:47 PM
The other Lord's might object. Like the Dispater or one of those devils.

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 08:48 PM
I don't, but this nuke wants to debate it.

http://lockon.ru/img/technology/pic1_65.jpg

Meynolds
2007-03-05, 08:52 PM
As does miscellaneous explosion number 42-55-67!

http://www.hnd.usace.army.mil/pao/CEAInfo/Explosion%20Photo.JPG

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 08:59 PM
I WANTED TO RIDE A QUADRUPED!

And here's an old memory worse than the biggest nuke in the world.

Remember this, Fus. and PM?

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-05, 09:09 PM
Gah...

Well, I was a tarrasque at the time, but still...

Is that abomination clone thing done yet?

Lord Magtok
2007-03-05, 09:53 PM
Nope. Still in development. Its starting to take shape though. It'll likely come out humanoid, and clothed.

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-03-05, 11:37 PM
I hope there's going to be a hint of sprite-y pixellation...

Mr. Moon
2007-03-06, 02:42 PM
Please contain explosions inside spoilers. Page streaching makes Moon Called angry. Isn't that right, Maur?

"Right, Mommy. Remember when you killed that guy because his banner streached your page a little?"

*chuckles* Yes, I do. Thanks for the help, by the way. I've never seen a kid like you that blood thirsty.

Edit: Just a note, I won't be able to access my home computer for the next little while, maybe into next month. So no doing things without my permision.

And the next person to twist that into something dirty dies.

By the way, Sarous, Maur will not be trained in the dark arts. He will be sent to a Milatary School to learn to become a great comander. I've seen this kid in action. Trust me, he's good.

And if you don't agree, say good bye to... you know what.

Next person to make a dirty comment about that dies.