DeBasilisk
2014-08-14, 07:06 PM
So, here's my personal worst dnd session. It took place last week after answering a Craigslist pickup group.
The game was typical 3.5. Characters would be starting at level five and we had an hour for character creation. The cast in question:
DM: Tall, Skinny pseudo-Hipster with a soul patch. This guy wasn't really a bad guy, and he wasn't exactly a bad DM. But he wasn't my kind of DM. He asked for more rolls and skill checks than anyone I have ever met. He had a very straight face and tended to keep his emotions pretty neutral, which was cool, but he clearly Favoured his regulars when it came to strategies and in character bonuses. Ok.
Toad: One of the regulars. Big guy with a buzz cut, convinced he's macho but really a tool. He actually referred to himself as a different amphibian, but for identity protection we'll stick with toad. This is one of those hyper aggressive guys that act like munchkins but have only a basic grasp of the rules and play straight fighters while investing in weapon focus and dodge. His character was a half orc just like him.
Alchoranger: The second group regular. A small stringy 20-something kid who acts like he wants to be Drizzt in real life. Incredibly uptight at the beginning of the session, he loosened up as the night went on due to his alcohol intake. He brought his own flask of vodka and mixed it with Yuengling, presumably 'cause he's a rebel like that. I'll give him this, he ended up blitzed, but it took a lot to get there. Frequently talked about how great communism is compared to Libertarianism - didn't understand that the issue wasn't related to gameplay. Played a something elf urban ranger after he was shot down for a vampire dread necromancer at level 5.
Trogbard: Short, tubby and with a loooonnngggg red beard. A friend of the DM, I gather he plays with the group pretty regular but misses a lot of sessions due to kids and work. I can relate. I actually almost kind of liked this guy, even though his character and play style were annoying as hell. He was big into roleplaying, which I dig, but he's the kind of guy who would play a kender if he could. In this case, he played a Troglodyte Bard (yes, Troglodyte Bard) and yes, every combat we all had to roll against his stink glands.
Munchkleric: New to the group. Knew Alchoranger somehow. One of those uber gamers who dress all in black and think they're better than Mother Theresa because they know how Pun Pun gets started. He knew his 3.5 pretty well but started out cautious with the cheese due to the new group. As the night went on he kept altering his character sheet to "fix things," like trying to squeeze DMM in. The DM shot down his dragonwrought kobold sorcerer (not because of the cheese, but because "kobolds aren't strong enough for this campaign"). He ended up with a neutral evil human cleric.
Me: I was trying to gauge the optimization level of the group and initially was planning on a relaxed beguiler, but when I heard Kleric pitching his dragonwrought kobold I decided to kick it up to conjurer, just to be on the safe side.
So the adventure begins. Our characters all know each other from way back but haven't seen each other in years. The DM gave each of us a quick sidebar with some info about what we've been up to recently, which presumably would tie in to the present story at some point. My guy was supposed to be hunting some shapeshifting fugitive. This would never come up in game. The group has some shared patron we are supposed to meet at some ancient ruins in the words. Cool.
We all get there independently and surprise, he's dead! Clues at the scene of the crime tell us we should investigate a town about a day or two's march from the ruins. It's night. We leave the ruins.
Roll survival to find your way out of the forest. Really? We got here, shouldn't we be able to leave? Nope, 'cause it's dark and no one has ranks in it.
Dismal rolls all around and guess what? We are now lost in the woods! First 10 minutes of gameplay. More survival skills. Bad rolls. DM rolls for weather. Now there's a blizzard on the way. More penalties for survival, no one is allowed to take ten on anything. We ended up lost in the woods for A WEEK. Fun fun fun, and DM made sure to let us know why we are all fatigued from starvation and hypothermia. Well, except the Munchkleric, who was summoning food for himself and only himself. Luckily there was a lot of snow to melt so we weren't dehydrated.
Toad and the Wino made it clear from the start that for whatever reason their characters didn't like my character. There was no justification in the game about it, but I know why it was. At the onset of the game they invited me to ante up 20 dollars - whoever got the most critical hits over the course of the game won the pot. Well, as a wizard I guarantee it won't be me! So I declined. They then told me I could bet on one of them and split the pot and I again declined, mostly because I just didn't want to. When I backed out Trogbard backed out and Cleric also declined to join, so I guess I ruined their dnd critical gambling game.
They found numerous ways to take it out on my guy in game. Petty stuff like messing with my gear when I was asleep. They openly planned to steal my spellbook but when I passed a note to the DM about my plans to booby trap it they meta'ed and decided not to. They did piss on my gear bag though and the DM ruled that there was no way I would possibly know they had done it in character so I had to walk around with the piss bag. Everyone thought it was hilarious. Trogbard started hitting on me because I apparently smelled hot to him. Har har.
We finally made it out of the woods, starving, after a week of bs random encounters (wolf, bear, bear, a marilith - Wait, wtf??? The cleric and I just ran. We're level 5!!! The rest of the group nearly tpked and blamed us for losing. The marilith used absurdly sub par tactcs and didn't even chase the rest of the group out of the field it was spotted in. I assumed she must be the BBEG but was told it was just a random roll. Why it was there no one will ever know. We a also ran across an unusual number of spiked pits.
At the bottom of one of the pits I fell into there was a corpse with a rapier on it. A quick identification reveals it to have been a +1 keen rapier. I levitate myself out of the pit with the rapier, and immediately Toad tells me to give it to him.
Now, I had been intending to give it to one of the other characters since I can't get much use out of it, but the attitude and tone he took completely put me off.
Me: "No dude, I found it and I'll decide what to do with it."
Toad: "Give it to me NOW." Trying to stare me down. He actually started flexing his muscles. Lol.
Me: "I'll consider it if you ask nice."
Toad: "You need to give it me because it improves crits and you were too chicken to ante up 20 bucks so you can't use it. Give it to me now or I will take it from you by force."
I said no and we had to roll initiative. He won and said he would charge me and start a grapple. I said no, and immediate action abrupt jaunted to the other side of the pit trap. My turn. I dropped it back in the trap, spit on it and walked off.
I suspected he might push combat, but instead he just flips me the bird and jumped in the pit trap. 30 foot deep, with spikes. DM rolls high damage from the fall and he cusses at me. He gets the rapier and his buddy Alchoranger pulls him out with a rope.
Swift action temper tantrum about how I wasn't being a team player. I told him that was pretty rich coming from the guy who pissed on my backpack for no in character reason at all and he said it was just a harmless prank. Whatever.
Eventually we made it out of the woods to the road. DM Deus Ex let's us find some horses. I hadn't memorized mount, so it's a regular horse for me. Roll riding check. I fail. I fall off the horse and get trampled by the one behind me, ridden by Toad, of course, who tells me it's "karma," for not giving him the rapier. Cleric won't heal me and no one has any potions left. DM informs me my legs are maimed and I have to use a stick as a crutch for a while. Back on the horse. Roll riding with penalties for the crutch. Fail. Fall off again. The DM rules I don't get trampled this time. Toad and Alchoranger decide to charge with their horses at me then stop short before crushing me. "To teach him a lesson." Toad wants to roll animal handling to get his horse to crap on me. The DM allows the roll and he fails. Trog doesn't join in the conflict, but doesn't help at all. Cleric doesn't pay attention because he's too busy scrolling through splatbooks to "adjust" his character sheet.
I can tell this is not going to be my kind of group.
On our way to the town we came across a group of five halfling women and had to roll will saves with a variety of penalties "because they're really hot and you're starving." Myself, Toad and the Wino all fail. The DM informs us they are "Gypsy Whores," and use charm spells to seduce their patrons. When Trogbard learns this he decides to jump right in even though he made his save, then bard charm the whores so he doesn't have to pay. DM unnecessarily describes a variety of sex acts (most of which rhyme with banal) they inflict on us before they take our gold and wander off. The rest of the group seems to be loving it so far, until....
... Ranger decides he needs to inform the group that the term "Gypsy" is offensive and also, somehow, capitalist. He demands that the scene be retconned. This argument goes on for over 15 minutes. DM finally agrees to change the name of the group to "Nomad Whores" but stresses that they are a big part of the game world and that there is no way to retcon them out without changing his whole campaign. Great.
After a bunch of behind the screen rolls, the DM informs us we all have contracted diseases from the Gyp - I mean, Nomad Whores. Random rolls give me devil chills off his "STD table."
Cleric won't memorize any cure disease spells for anyone else, so we arrive at the town fatigued, starving and riddled with extra planar sex plagues. This all took 2 hours, and we had agreed to a 6-midnight gaming frame. Counting character creation, we are now halfway through.
Now that we're in town we set about to find clues. The Trog is, in theory, The Face, but due to racial prejudice and the fact he smells like a dumpster no one will talk to him. So Toad takes the lead, by which I mean he proceeds to threaten every NPC we come across for information. After he loses his temper and kills a merchant the city watch comes to arrest him, so he kills them. The ranger helps him fight but I totally stay out of it and walk away from the scene. I would once again be accused of abandoning the group but hey, My LN wizard is not going to kill town guards to protect this ******* murderer. The fighter and the ranger are ultimately arrested and hauled off to jail. When they were being interrogated by the DM they would try to blame the event on me, saying I was mind controlling them and making them attack. They also made a big point of telling the city watch I was gay (I'm not in real life, and neither was my character) and they just wanted to let the guards know in case "you have any sodomy laws."
Alchoranger was pretty drunk, but he got into an argument with Toad about whether what they did was homophobic (or capitalist?). This discussion was easily 10 minutes long. They ended up deciding it was and they asked DM to retcon what they said to have them say I was a necromancer (who mind controlled them?) instead of gay, but he ruled that they already said gay and couldn't take it back. Luckily for me there were no sodomy laws, but for some dumbass reason every single city watchman now flirted with me.
Meanwhile Munchkleric has wandered off and wants to kill commoners for experience. After the DM informs him he won't get a chance to level up tonight he decides not to bother and instead wants to start organizing a cult to craft stuff for him to sell for money.
The DM informs us our "friends" will be in jail for a week or two before they get a hearing and unless we want to break them out we will have to occupy ourselves in that time. No way am I breaking them out. Munchkleric also declines to help them and the Trog has been banned from the town due to his odor. The player doesn't seem to mind, as he seems happy playing music outside the city gates for copper all day and night long. Trog also wants to describe to everyone about how he is taking a dump out in the open in front of people by the city gates because apparently that's what Trogs do. When the DM doesn't seem interested in having anyone from the city go investigate his feces he seems disappointed and said that "ruined his plan."
I ask if I can requisition a bunch of mundane and alchemical goods while we are waiting. The DM says sure and gives me a very generous loan from the local bank. Good. I set to work creating a variety of battlefield control items and shrink them. The DM is surprised at this idea.
Both myself and Munchkleric are required to make additional will saves daily to avoid gangs of prostitutes that wander the city, also using charm spells. We have to roll for each day for two weeks. The first DC is 14 and it increases by 1 every day. Toad makes a big point about making me make ally rolls in the open so I don't chest, and snatches my character sheet to look at my saves. This seriously pisses me off. Trog and the DM talk us down and I start Kleric and I start rolling. I fail 5 rolls and Kleric fails 4. The DM let's us know that these hookers use strap ons on their customers. Of course they do. Trog hears about this and sneaks into the city disguised as a horse (apparently all the gay city watchmen are fooled by a neighing troglodyte crawling with a burlap bag over his back) to meet up with the whores. DM is thrilled, because now he and Trog get to regale the rest of us with vivid descriptions of Troglodyte on Halfling sex. Great. Helpfully, Trogbard draws us some stick figure illustrations and his tail and tongue penetration combos.
Trog also AGAIN makes a point of telling us that he goes and craps in the street behind the brothel in full view of everyone. DM says no one saw him and he makes a big sigh like its the worst thing ever. I never found out what his brilliant poo-plan was.
Finally the time comes and they are brought to a trial. They claim they were attacked by the merchant and didn't mean to hurt anyone in the city watch. The cleric and I are called to testify. Cleric supports their story and I call BS.
Toad and Wino start to yell at me at this point, calling me a bad role player and an "antisocial gamer." I tell them I would love to work together with the group but they have done nothing but insult me, piss on my stuff, nearly run me over and otherwise try to make my life miserable since I met them. Plus they tried to throw me under the bus to the watch. They shout that I wouldn't know that in character, as if that would be reason why I should support them.
In the end, it's a "hung jury" and they are released. Sure, that makes sense. Some BS clue bat later and we are in some crap dungeon hunting some crap relic.
I'm done at this point, and I realistically already know I'm leaving. I just want to screw with them before I go, so I go along to the dungeon. I figure I will be the perfect team player, helping out and being nice and if nothing else happens I will finish off the night and just decline to come back if invited, but the second they try any BS on me it's done.
We go trough the dungeon and fight some garbage. I help out, even to the point that I buff Toad with a bulls strength once.
Rolls rolls rolls dungeoneering rolls survival rolls and we are lost in the dungeon. We come to a dead end that actually isnt a secret door after a day of searching for a way to our goal. I agree to throw up a rope trick at the end of the tunnel for a few hours rest in safety. Everyone else goes up the rope first, and right when I am about to they yank up the rope, throw down some taunts and close the window.
So, up in the rope trick, the assclowns settle down for their 8 hour (technically not 8 given my CL, but the DM waived it) resource recharge. Before sleeping they make a big show of how clever they were to trick me like that; Toad was dissapointed the window to the ropetrick was invisible from my side and I couldnt see his ass up against the view area. The DM started to talk about everyone waking up 8 hours later, but I cut him off. I told him I needed to sidebar and he agreed.
"After one hour I wake up and crawl out of my Fortifying bedroll. The bedroll gives me a full nights rest, including spells, and the only spell I cast within the last 8 hours was Rope trick, so other than that I have a full days worth of re-memorized spells." I show the DM the item description and he nods approval. I wasn't sure he would, as I've gotten in debates about the item before, but he agreed and gave me full recharge. After a short meditation and swapping around a few spells I set to work.
The first thing I did was stick a folded paper on the wall with the word "*******s" scrawled on the outside. Then I removed one of the shrunken items I had requisitioned back in town. It was a ten foot by ten foot wide stone and iron wall with a 6 inch by 6 inch prison style barred hole in the middle. I let it expand to its full size about 10 foot down the hall from the dead end, creating a nice 10 by 10 by 10 foot prison room, with the rope trick waiting to expire up at the ceiling, but not before forgetting to leave a nice santa-style goodie bag directly under the note.
I had two of the walls prepared in town, and i laid the second one on the floor of the hallway about another 20 foot down. I wanted to make certain if the first wall was somehow destroyed I would have another ready to spring up.
The DM was silent as I told him these arrangements. After I told him what was on the note and in the bag, he frowned and furrowed his brow. I knew he would be upset - PC vs. PC actions are always fraught with controversy, but what he said blew my mind.
"Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, these guys will tear your character apart."
I just smiled at his innocence. "Trust me, I will be ok."
So, we returned to the table. It had only been 5 to 10 minutes but Alchoranger seemed even more drunk. He and Toad were arguing over their tally of criticals while Trogbard was busy sketching a picture of what I presume to have been a nude succubus. Munchkleric eyed me susiciously.
DM: "Ok, you guys wake up fully rested and exit the rope trick. You find yourselves in what seems to be a 10 by 10 foot prison cell with only a small grate and no door. There is a large sack on the ground and a note stuck on the wall that says "*******s," on it.
Munchkleric: "Where's the f------ wizard?"
DM: "You don't see him anywhere."
Munch proceeds to almost yell about how a level 5 wizard doesn't have access to any abilities which would let him teleport a rope trick. True.
The DM shouts him down and makes it clear only the wall is new. Munch then begins to argue about how a level 5 wizard doesn't have wall of stone. True. Then he smiles knowingly. "Ah, it's bulls---. I roll will to see through the illusion." The DM informs him his will roll doesn't show it's an illusion.
"I charge it," says Toad. Which netted him a couple lost hit points.
Trogbard asked what the note paper on the wall said and DM clarified it was a folded piece of paper with "A-Holes" on the outside. "It's addressed to you," I said pointing to Toad, being a ****. Then they opened it up to read it.
I imagine it must be obvious what was on the paper, but this group somehow never saw it coming. The explosive runes simply said "Bang M-Fers." The DM let me roll the damage. I don't remember the number, but it was pretty high, not enough to kill them though. Plenty of explosive force to detonate the contents of the Santa Style Goody Bag though. Inside the bag I had placed about a couple dozen flasks each of alchemists fire, acid, lantern oil, choking dust and inhaled poisons.
Toad and Munch went ballistic. Alchoranger was pretty blitzed and didn't fully understand what was happening. "What kind of spell is explosive runes? Do Wizards get that?" He asked, five minutes after the spell went off. Yes. Yes they do. Trogbard, on the other hand, just busted out laughing.
The DM goes ahead and works out what saving throws everyone gets and how much damage everything does. He was pretty generous with the saving throws, which was fine. Again, he let's me roll all the damage. All told, Toad was dead, Alchoranger was below zero and on fire and Munch and Trogbard were standing but heavily injured. Munch had refused to memorize healing spells "Out of principle," and neither had invested ranks in healing. Trogbard also passed on choosing clw as a Bard spell, so Toad and the Wino promptly died. I had planned to use mage hand to bring the rapier from Toads corpse to me as a grand capstone, but Munch immediately demands to roll knowledge The Planes and hits a natural 20. "Pazuzu Pazuzu Pazu!" He shouts out. I was actually pretty impressed, and amused, but before we could figure out what he had planned Toad stands up at the table and, for some reason, crushes a fistful of potato chips from the group bowl and flings them across the room.
I don't remember his exact words, but he began cursing me out and whining to the DM to retcon everything since they left the Rope Trick. He whined that I used an "exploit," and that pvp shouldn't be allowed if one player couldn't fight back. The DM listened to his concerns like a good DM should, and to his credit he shot it down. The DM seemed surprised that the fighter died since "d10 characters pretty much never go down in my games." (?)
Alchoranger took it pretty much in stride. He was fighting to stay awake anyhow. Trogbard was loving it and wanted to keep going. Munch was beat red and kept asking if Pazuzu showed up. Toad wasn't having any of it.
"If someone doesn't rez me so I can kill you (pointing to me) I'm going home right now." I told him there was no worry, I was leaving anyhow. At that point Toad announces he would be playing my character and was going off to get himself "raped by a Minotaur." He actually told me to give him my character sheet too. I laughed in his face and gave him a sheet of paper with "*******" written on it. So on that note, I bid the group adieu (but not after receiving a few more second grade taunts from Toad.
Lesson learned - Craigslist pickups are a no-go.
The game was typical 3.5. Characters would be starting at level five and we had an hour for character creation. The cast in question:
DM: Tall, Skinny pseudo-Hipster with a soul patch. This guy wasn't really a bad guy, and he wasn't exactly a bad DM. But he wasn't my kind of DM. He asked for more rolls and skill checks than anyone I have ever met. He had a very straight face and tended to keep his emotions pretty neutral, which was cool, but he clearly Favoured his regulars when it came to strategies and in character bonuses. Ok.
Toad: One of the regulars. Big guy with a buzz cut, convinced he's macho but really a tool. He actually referred to himself as a different amphibian, but for identity protection we'll stick with toad. This is one of those hyper aggressive guys that act like munchkins but have only a basic grasp of the rules and play straight fighters while investing in weapon focus and dodge. His character was a half orc just like him.
Alchoranger: The second group regular. A small stringy 20-something kid who acts like he wants to be Drizzt in real life. Incredibly uptight at the beginning of the session, he loosened up as the night went on due to his alcohol intake. He brought his own flask of vodka and mixed it with Yuengling, presumably 'cause he's a rebel like that. I'll give him this, he ended up blitzed, but it took a lot to get there. Frequently talked about how great communism is compared to Libertarianism - didn't understand that the issue wasn't related to gameplay. Played a something elf urban ranger after he was shot down for a vampire dread necromancer at level 5.
Trogbard: Short, tubby and with a loooonnngggg red beard. A friend of the DM, I gather he plays with the group pretty regular but misses a lot of sessions due to kids and work. I can relate. I actually almost kind of liked this guy, even though his character and play style were annoying as hell. He was big into roleplaying, which I dig, but he's the kind of guy who would play a kender if he could. In this case, he played a Troglodyte Bard (yes, Troglodyte Bard) and yes, every combat we all had to roll against his stink glands.
Munchkleric: New to the group. Knew Alchoranger somehow. One of those uber gamers who dress all in black and think they're better than Mother Theresa because they know how Pun Pun gets started. He knew his 3.5 pretty well but started out cautious with the cheese due to the new group. As the night went on he kept altering his character sheet to "fix things," like trying to squeeze DMM in. The DM shot down his dragonwrought kobold sorcerer (not because of the cheese, but because "kobolds aren't strong enough for this campaign"). He ended up with a neutral evil human cleric.
Me: I was trying to gauge the optimization level of the group and initially was planning on a relaxed beguiler, but when I heard Kleric pitching his dragonwrought kobold I decided to kick it up to conjurer, just to be on the safe side.
So the adventure begins. Our characters all know each other from way back but haven't seen each other in years. The DM gave each of us a quick sidebar with some info about what we've been up to recently, which presumably would tie in to the present story at some point. My guy was supposed to be hunting some shapeshifting fugitive. This would never come up in game. The group has some shared patron we are supposed to meet at some ancient ruins in the words. Cool.
We all get there independently and surprise, he's dead! Clues at the scene of the crime tell us we should investigate a town about a day or two's march from the ruins. It's night. We leave the ruins.
Roll survival to find your way out of the forest. Really? We got here, shouldn't we be able to leave? Nope, 'cause it's dark and no one has ranks in it.
Dismal rolls all around and guess what? We are now lost in the woods! First 10 minutes of gameplay. More survival skills. Bad rolls. DM rolls for weather. Now there's a blizzard on the way. More penalties for survival, no one is allowed to take ten on anything. We ended up lost in the woods for A WEEK. Fun fun fun, and DM made sure to let us know why we are all fatigued from starvation and hypothermia. Well, except the Munchkleric, who was summoning food for himself and only himself. Luckily there was a lot of snow to melt so we weren't dehydrated.
Toad and the Wino made it clear from the start that for whatever reason their characters didn't like my character. There was no justification in the game about it, but I know why it was. At the onset of the game they invited me to ante up 20 dollars - whoever got the most critical hits over the course of the game won the pot. Well, as a wizard I guarantee it won't be me! So I declined. They then told me I could bet on one of them and split the pot and I again declined, mostly because I just didn't want to. When I backed out Trogbard backed out and Cleric also declined to join, so I guess I ruined their dnd critical gambling game.
They found numerous ways to take it out on my guy in game. Petty stuff like messing with my gear when I was asleep. They openly planned to steal my spellbook but when I passed a note to the DM about my plans to booby trap it they meta'ed and decided not to. They did piss on my gear bag though and the DM ruled that there was no way I would possibly know they had done it in character so I had to walk around with the piss bag. Everyone thought it was hilarious. Trogbard started hitting on me because I apparently smelled hot to him. Har har.
We finally made it out of the woods, starving, after a week of bs random encounters (wolf, bear, bear, a marilith - Wait, wtf??? The cleric and I just ran. We're level 5!!! The rest of the group nearly tpked and blamed us for losing. The marilith used absurdly sub par tactcs and didn't even chase the rest of the group out of the field it was spotted in. I assumed she must be the BBEG but was told it was just a random roll. Why it was there no one will ever know. We a also ran across an unusual number of spiked pits.
At the bottom of one of the pits I fell into there was a corpse with a rapier on it. A quick identification reveals it to have been a +1 keen rapier. I levitate myself out of the pit with the rapier, and immediately Toad tells me to give it to him.
Now, I had been intending to give it to one of the other characters since I can't get much use out of it, but the attitude and tone he took completely put me off.
Me: "No dude, I found it and I'll decide what to do with it."
Toad: "Give it to me NOW." Trying to stare me down. He actually started flexing his muscles. Lol.
Me: "I'll consider it if you ask nice."
Toad: "You need to give it me because it improves crits and you were too chicken to ante up 20 bucks so you can't use it. Give it to me now or I will take it from you by force."
I said no and we had to roll initiative. He won and said he would charge me and start a grapple. I said no, and immediate action abrupt jaunted to the other side of the pit trap. My turn. I dropped it back in the trap, spit on it and walked off.
I suspected he might push combat, but instead he just flips me the bird and jumped in the pit trap. 30 foot deep, with spikes. DM rolls high damage from the fall and he cusses at me. He gets the rapier and his buddy Alchoranger pulls him out with a rope.
Swift action temper tantrum about how I wasn't being a team player. I told him that was pretty rich coming from the guy who pissed on my backpack for no in character reason at all and he said it was just a harmless prank. Whatever.
Eventually we made it out of the woods to the road. DM Deus Ex let's us find some horses. I hadn't memorized mount, so it's a regular horse for me. Roll riding check. I fail. I fall off the horse and get trampled by the one behind me, ridden by Toad, of course, who tells me it's "karma," for not giving him the rapier. Cleric won't heal me and no one has any potions left. DM informs me my legs are maimed and I have to use a stick as a crutch for a while. Back on the horse. Roll riding with penalties for the crutch. Fail. Fall off again. The DM rules I don't get trampled this time. Toad and Alchoranger decide to charge with their horses at me then stop short before crushing me. "To teach him a lesson." Toad wants to roll animal handling to get his horse to crap on me. The DM allows the roll and he fails. Trog doesn't join in the conflict, but doesn't help at all. Cleric doesn't pay attention because he's too busy scrolling through splatbooks to "adjust" his character sheet.
I can tell this is not going to be my kind of group.
On our way to the town we came across a group of five halfling women and had to roll will saves with a variety of penalties "because they're really hot and you're starving." Myself, Toad and the Wino all fail. The DM informs us they are "Gypsy Whores," and use charm spells to seduce their patrons. When Trogbard learns this he decides to jump right in even though he made his save, then bard charm the whores so he doesn't have to pay. DM unnecessarily describes a variety of sex acts (most of which rhyme with banal) they inflict on us before they take our gold and wander off. The rest of the group seems to be loving it so far, until....
... Ranger decides he needs to inform the group that the term "Gypsy" is offensive and also, somehow, capitalist. He demands that the scene be retconned. This argument goes on for over 15 minutes. DM finally agrees to change the name of the group to "Nomad Whores" but stresses that they are a big part of the game world and that there is no way to retcon them out without changing his whole campaign. Great.
After a bunch of behind the screen rolls, the DM informs us we all have contracted diseases from the Gyp - I mean, Nomad Whores. Random rolls give me devil chills off his "STD table."
Cleric won't memorize any cure disease spells for anyone else, so we arrive at the town fatigued, starving and riddled with extra planar sex plagues. This all took 2 hours, and we had agreed to a 6-midnight gaming frame. Counting character creation, we are now halfway through.
Now that we're in town we set about to find clues. The Trog is, in theory, The Face, but due to racial prejudice and the fact he smells like a dumpster no one will talk to him. So Toad takes the lead, by which I mean he proceeds to threaten every NPC we come across for information. After he loses his temper and kills a merchant the city watch comes to arrest him, so he kills them. The ranger helps him fight but I totally stay out of it and walk away from the scene. I would once again be accused of abandoning the group but hey, My LN wizard is not going to kill town guards to protect this ******* murderer. The fighter and the ranger are ultimately arrested and hauled off to jail. When they were being interrogated by the DM they would try to blame the event on me, saying I was mind controlling them and making them attack. They also made a big point of telling the city watch I was gay (I'm not in real life, and neither was my character) and they just wanted to let the guards know in case "you have any sodomy laws."
Alchoranger was pretty drunk, but he got into an argument with Toad about whether what they did was homophobic (or capitalist?). This discussion was easily 10 minutes long. They ended up deciding it was and they asked DM to retcon what they said to have them say I was a necromancer (who mind controlled them?) instead of gay, but he ruled that they already said gay and couldn't take it back. Luckily for me there were no sodomy laws, but for some dumbass reason every single city watchman now flirted with me.
Meanwhile Munchkleric has wandered off and wants to kill commoners for experience. After the DM informs him he won't get a chance to level up tonight he decides not to bother and instead wants to start organizing a cult to craft stuff for him to sell for money.
The DM informs us our "friends" will be in jail for a week or two before they get a hearing and unless we want to break them out we will have to occupy ourselves in that time. No way am I breaking them out. Munchkleric also declines to help them and the Trog has been banned from the town due to his odor. The player doesn't seem to mind, as he seems happy playing music outside the city gates for copper all day and night long. Trog also wants to describe to everyone about how he is taking a dump out in the open in front of people by the city gates because apparently that's what Trogs do. When the DM doesn't seem interested in having anyone from the city go investigate his feces he seems disappointed and said that "ruined his plan."
I ask if I can requisition a bunch of mundane and alchemical goods while we are waiting. The DM says sure and gives me a very generous loan from the local bank. Good. I set to work creating a variety of battlefield control items and shrink them. The DM is surprised at this idea.
Both myself and Munchkleric are required to make additional will saves daily to avoid gangs of prostitutes that wander the city, also using charm spells. We have to roll for each day for two weeks. The first DC is 14 and it increases by 1 every day. Toad makes a big point about making me make ally rolls in the open so I don't chest, and snatches my character sheet to look at my saves. This seriously pisses me off. Trog and the DM talk us down and I start Kleric and I start rolling. I fail 5 rolls and Kleric fails 4. The DM let's us know that these hookers use strap ons on their customers. Of course they do. Trog hears about this and sneaks into the city disguised as a horse (apparently all the gay city watchmen are fooled by a neighing troglodyte crawling with a burlap bag over his back) to meet up with the whores. DM is thrilled, because now he and Trog get to regale the rest of us with vivid descriptions of Troglodyte on Halfling sex. Great. Helpfully, Trogbard draws us some stick figure illustrations and his tail and tongue penetration combos.
Trog also AGAIN makes a point of telling us that he goes and craps in the street behind the brothel in full view of everyone. DM says no one saw him and he makes a big sigh like its the worst thing ever. I never found out what his brilliant poo-plan was.
Finally the time comes and they are brought to a trial. They claim they were attacked by the merchant and didn't mean to hurt anyone in the city watch. The cleric and I are called to testify. Cleric supports their story and I call BS.
Toad and Wino start to yell at me at this point, calling me a bad role player and an "antisocial gamer." I tell them I would love to work together with the group but they have done nothing but insult me, piss on my stuff, nearly run me over and otherwise try to make my life miserable since I met them. Plus they tried to throw me under the bus to the watch. They shout that I wouldn't know that in character, as if that would be reason why I should support them.
In the end, it's a "hung jury" and they are released. Sure, that makes sense. Some BS clue bat later and we are in some crap dungeon hunting some crap relic.
I'm done at this point, and I realistically already know I'm leaving. I just want to screw with them before I go, so I go along to the dungeon. I figure I will be the perfect team player, helping out and being nice and if nothing else happens I will finish off the night and just decline to come back if invited, but the second they try any BS on me it's done.
We go trough the dungeon and fight some garbage. I help out, even to the point that I buff Toad with a bulls strength once.
Rolls rolls rolls dungeoneering rolls survival rolls and we are lost in the dungeon. We come to a dead end that actually isnt a secret door after a day of searching for a way to our goal. I agree to throw up a rope trick at the end of the tunnel for a few hours rest in safety. Everyone else goes up the rope first, and right when I am about to they yank up the rope, throw down some taunts and close the window.
So, up in the rope trick, the assclowns settle down for their 8 hour (technically not 8 given my CL, but the DM waived it) resource recharge. Before sleeping they make a big show of how clever they were to trick me like that; Toad was dissapointed the window to the ropetrick was invisible from my side and I couldnt see his ass up against the view area. The DM started to talk about everyone waking up 8 hours later, but I cut him off. I told him I needed to sidebar and he agreed.
"After one hour I wake up and crawl out of my Fortifying bedroll. The bedroll gives me a full nights rest, including spells, and the only spell I cast within the last 8 hours was Rope trick, so other than that I have a full days worth of re-memorized spells." I show the DM the item description and he nods approval. I wasn't sure he would, as I've gotten in debates about the item before, but he agreed and gave me full recharge. After a short meditation and swapping around a few spells I set to work.
The first thing I did was stick a folded paper on the wall with the word "*******s" scrawled on the outside. Then I removed one of the shrunken items I had requisitioned back in town. It was a ten foot by ten foot wide stone and iron wall with a 6 inch by 6 inch prison style barred hole in the middle. I let it expand to its full size about 10 foot down the hall from the dead end, creating a nice 10 by 10 by 10 foot prison room, with the rope trick waiting to expire up at the ceiling, but not before forgetting to leave a nice santa-style goodie bag directly under the note.
I had two of the walls prepared in town, and i laid the second one on the floor of the hallway about another 20 foot down. I wanted to make certain if the first wall was somehow destroyed I would have another ready to spring up.
The DM was silent as I told him these arrangements. After I told him what was on the note and in the bag, he frowned and furrowed his brow. I knew he would be upset - PC vs. PC actions are always fraught with controversy, but what he said blew my mind.
"Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, these guys will tear your character apart."
I just smiled at his innocence. "Trust me, I will be ok."
So, we returned to the table. It had only been 5 to 10 minutes but Alchoranger seemed even more drunk. He and Toad were arguing over their tally of criticals while Trogbard was busy sketching a picture of what I presume to have been a nude succubus. Munchkleric eyed me susiciously.
DM: "Ok, you guys wake up fully rested and exit the rope trick. You find yourselves in what seems to be a 10 by 10 foot prison cell with only a small grate and no door. There is a large sack on the ground and a note stuck on the wall that says "*******s," on it.
Munchkleric: "Where's the f------ wizard?"
DM: "You don't see him anywhere."
Munch proceeds to almost yell about how a level 5 wizard doesn't have access to any abilities which would let him teleport a rope trick. True.
The DM shouts him down and makes it clear only the wall is new. Munch then begins to argue about how a level 5 wizard doesn't have wall of stone. True. Then he smiles knowingly. "Ah, it's bulls---. I roll will to see through the illusion." The DM informs him his will roll doesn't show it's an illusion.
"I charge it," says Toad. Which netted him a couple lost hit points.
Trogbard asked what the note paper on the wall said and DM clarified it was a folded piece of paper with "A-Holes" on the outside. "It's addressed to you," I said pointing to Toad, being a ****. Then they opened it up to read it.
I imagine it must be obvious what was on the paper, but this group somehow never saw it coming. The explosive runes simply said "Bang M-Fers." The DM let me roll the damage. I don't remember the number, but it was pretty high, not enough to kill them though. Plenty of explosive force to detonate the contents of the Santa Style Goody Bag though. Inside the bag I had placed about a couple dozen flasks each of alchemists fire, acid, lantern oil, choking dust and inhaled poisons.
Toad and Munch went ballistic. Alchoranger was pretty blitzed and didn't fully understand what was happening. "What kind of spell is explosive runes? Do Wizards get that?" He asked, five minutes after the spell went off. Yes. Yes they do. Trogbard, on the other hand, just busted out laughing.
The DM goes ahead and works out what saving throws everyone gets and how much damage everything does. He was pretty generous with the saving throws, which was fine. Again, he let's me roll all the damage. All told, Toad was dead, Alchoranger was below zero and on fire and Munch and Trogbard were standing but heavily injured. Munch had refused to memorize healing spells "Out of principle," and neither had invested ranks in healing. Trogbard also passed on choosing clw as a Bard spell, so Toad and the Wino promptly died. I had planned to use mage hand to bring the rapier from Toads corpse to me as a grand capstone, but Munch immediately demands to roll knowledge The Planes and hits a natural 20. "Pazuzu Pazuzu Pazu!" He shouts out. I was actually pretty impressed, and amused, but before we could figure out what he had planned Toad stands up at the table and, for some reason, crushes a fistful of potato chips from the group bowl and flings them across the room.
I don't remember his exact words, but he began cursing me out and whining to the DM to retcon everything since they left the Rope Trick. He whined that I used an "exploit," and that pvp shouldn't be allowed if one player couldn't fight back. The DM listened to his concerns like a good DM should, and to his credit he shot it down. The DM seemed surprised that the fighter died since "d10 characters pretty much never go down in my games." (?)
Alchoranger took it pretty much in stride. He was fighting to stay awake anyhow. Trogbard was loving it and wanted to keep going. Munch was beat red and kept asking if Pazuzu showed up. Toad wasn't having any of it.
"If someone doesn't rez me so I can kill you (pointing to me) I'm going home right now." I told him there was no worry, I was leaving anyhow. At that point Toad announces he would be playing my character and was going off to get himself "raped by a Minotaur." He actually told me to give him my character sheet too. I laughed in his face and gave him a sheet of paper with "*******" written on it. So on that note, I bid the group adieu (but not after receiving a few more second grade taunts from Toad.
Lesson learned - Craigslist pickups are a no-go.