Need More Spell Puns!

[Dralnu]

I'm playing a wild caster sorcerer that has a penchant for making lame puns whenever he casts spells. Background-wise he's a faulty arcane warforged (homebrew) detective/cop that is prone to malfunctioning during spellcasts. The terrible puns are a hit with my group but after 3 sessions I'm running low on material. Also DM has decreed that puns lead to wild surges so I can't stop! Got any good puns to share?

Some of my common spells:

Witchbolt / Shocking Grasp:
- stop resisting!
- watt are you doing?
- I find your resistance.. shocking
- your odds of survival are currently slim
- unlimited power!
- now you've sparked my interest


Freezing Ray:
- freeze!
- you need to chill
- ice to meet you!
- you gotta cool down
- stay frosty

Burning Hands / Scorching Ray:
- mess with me and you're gonna get burned!
- is it hot in here or is it just you?
- now you've made me blazing mad!

Hold Person:
- you're under arrest! (since I'm a cop)
- you're facing some stiff competition


Need more puns!

[Pex]

Grease

"Is the word!"

Shout

"Let it all out."
"A little bit louder now."

Rainbow Pattern

"Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high."

Oops. Thinking 3E, but I still find it funny.

[EvilAnagram]

Witchbolt/Shocking Grasp

I have an electric personality.
I like to keep up on current events.
Do you like music? I always wanted to be a conductor.
Duh. Eye. Die. (Electric Company reference if you're too young)


Freezing Ray

I think I'm an ice person.
Take a chill pill.
You know what you and Fonzie have in common?
Let's try to keep our heads cool.


Burning Hands/Scorching Ray

Let's turn up the heat.
I hear you like it well done.
I love the smell of [insert enemy here] in the morning. It smells like... victory.
Damn, girl! You on fire!
You know what you and my pee have in common? (Proceed to burn)

[Dralnu]

Yes yes yes! I love these! :smallbiggrin:

[Slipperychicken]

Burning Hands / Scorching Ray:

"If you can't take the heat, get out of the KITCHEN!"

[rlc]

admittedly, a lot most of these are going to be referential humor, but there are some puns
Banishment
"Get outta here!"
Blindness/Blink/Blur/Dark
"Now you see me, now you don't!"
Cloud of Daggers
"I've got a hundred people down here and they're covered with daggers." (paraphrased from die hard, since most people won't get it)
Color Spray
"Now let's see you sing with all the colors of the wind"
Comprehend Languages
"Hold on, let me put get my babel fish ready..."
Confusion
"Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?"
Counterspell
"I'm rubber, you're glue!" (peewee herman voice)
Crown of Madness
"umadbro?"
Dancing Lights
"Disco fever!"
Daylight/Light
"In the words of Batty Koda, 'I can see! It's a miracle!'"
Delayed Blast Fireball
"This is going to be legen...wait for it...dary!" (and it goes off when you say "dary")
Disguise Self
"I'm going to be a Master of Disguise! I'm going to be a Master of Disguise!"
Earthquake
"John Tenta sends his regards!"
Enlarge/Reduce
"One pill makes you large, one pill makes you small"
Expeditious Retreat
"I think it's about time to be hitting the old dusty trail."
False Life
"Is this the real life or is it just fantasy?"
Finger of Death
"Pull my finger!"
Gaseous Form/Stinking Cloud
"Whoever smelt it, dealt it!"
Globe of Invulnerability
"Can't touch this!"
Levitate
"When the mind, body, and spirit work as one, anything is possible."
Magic Missile
"Pew! Pew!"
Mending
"I am...Repairman-man-man-man-man-man-man-man!"
Stoneskin
"Heh, heh, Beavis, he said 'hard.'"

and tons more possibilities.

[EvilAnagram]

Hold Person

Stop! Hammer Time! (use movement to shimmy)
Stop! in the name of love... before I fireball...
I'll never let go, Jack!
You. Shall. Not... move very much.


When using a touch power:

Don't stand... don't stand... don't stand so close to me!
Let me give you a hand/Would you like a hand with that?
Patty cake, patty cake, Baker's Man!
High five!


More Fire Puns:

That's a SPICY meat-a-ball!
(Jim Carrey's The Mask voice) Ssssmokin'!
Out of the frying pan...
What cracked and black and hot all over? Your skin!
(Oprah voice)You get a burn! And you get a burn! And you get a burn!

This is fun! What other spells are you thinking of taking?

[rlc]

Web
"Go web! Fly! Up, up, and away web! Shazaam! Go! Go! Go web go! Tally ho."

[Yagyujubei]

just for the record, so many of these aren't puns.

for instance, casting an ice spell and saying "have an ice day" is a Malapropism not a pun.

a pun is interposing a word that sounds like another word but has a different meaning, for instance "did you hear about the mushroom? he's a fungi(fun guy)" or "The Boy Scouts are intense(in tents)"

OR

words that are spelled the same but have different meanings, for instance "when I was a kid, I red when I was feeling blue" or if a druid was going into bear form they could say "bear with me, this'll just take a second"

Applying this to Scorching ray (since it shoots multiple rays) you could say:

"Lets raise(rays) the stakes!"

or you could achieve double pun status by saying

"time to raze(Raise/Rays) the stakes!" but that would only really work when written down.

as such, you might find inspiration here: http://www.allaboutlearningpress.com/list-of-homophones/

or here: http://www.johnsesl.com/templates/vocab/homographs.php

Edit: Thinking about it now, with the proper emphasis "have an ice day" could be considered a homograph with "have a nice day" but casting a fireball and saying "is it hot in here or is it just me" isn't really anything but a catchphrase

[rlc]

...so you're not going to actually contribute anything then?

[EvilAnagram]

for instance, casting an ice spell and saying "have an ice day" is a Malapropism not a pun.
It's substituting "an ice" for the homophonic "a nice" for humorous purposes, changing the meaning as it does so. That's a pun.

Malapropisms are unintentional on the part of the character (though intentional on the part of the writer).

More importantly, the OP was obviously asking for humorous witticisms he could use, and I seriously doubt that his DM intends on taking the term pun to its literal and pedantic extreme.

[Dralnu]

This is fun! What other spells are you thinking of taking?

Some of these are making me laugh more than I'd care to admit! Which future ones? I haven't even looked yet, hmm.. we're going to hit level 5 soon and I love blasting, so definitely Fireball, maybe swap out a spell for another 3rd level too. Fly?


More importantly, the OP was obviously asking for humorous witticisms he could use, and I seriously doubt that his DM intends on taking the term pun to its literal and pedantic extreme.

Yeah, my intent is for funny phrases, not necessarily puns. I appreciate the clarification and the links though.

[Yagyujubei]

heh anogram i thought of that just after I posted it. and if witticism is all your aiming for that's fine, but it's a bit of a pet peeve of mine so I couldn't resist clearing it up. It's like the criminal misuse of the words ironic or literally. it just bugs me.

and at rlc: I did contribute. I gave a few examples of proper puns, and even one for scortching ray coming up with actual puns is pretty difficult, and that was the only one I could think of off the top of my head.

EDIT: for fireball, you could say something like "make the flames dance, Fireball!" playing on the other meaning of ball (a dance)

honestly you could even just say "Fire!" since your shooting it out at a target.

[rlc]

Fireball
"Goodness gracious! Great balls of fire!" (must be in a falsetto, though)
"Do you have the balls to take the heat?"
"You're fired."
Fly
"Up up and away!"



and at rlc: I did contribute. I gave a few examples of proper puns, and even one for scortching ray coming up with actual puns is pretty difficult, and that was the only one I could think of off the top of my head.
the point of the thread is funny phrases to use, not necessarily just puns. don't be that guy. nobody likes that guy.

[Yagyujubei]

apparently op didn't mind so i'm not worried.

[EvilAnagram]

Some of these are making me laugh more than I'd care to admit! Which future ones? I haven't even looked yet, hmm.. we're going to hit level 5 soon and I love blasting, so definitely Fireball, maybe swap out a spell for another 3rd level too. Fly?
Fireball:
Obviously, a solid reference for Fireball is "Goodness gracious, great balls o' fire!"
Yagyujubei already touched on what you call a classy dance for flames.
You could also ask what a flame thrown out of the strike-zone is.
What does an athletic bonfire play?
Am I ginger? Because I have all these fireballs.
Other fire jokes also apply. And make Backdraft (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101393/) references.
What am I saying? Make Rescue Me (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rescue_Me_%28U.S._TV_series%29) references.


Fly:

Just think a happy thought!
I do believe in fairies!
It's a bird! It's an airship! No, it's [insert character name]!
Petrie is flying!
I haven't been this high since I accidentally teleported to the 70's.

[Yagyujubei]

the old proverb:

give a man a fire, he's warm for a night
set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life

[rlc]

Fireball
"It's a fire...ain't nobody got time for that!"
"Do you like cinnamon candy? Because here's a fireball."

[EvilAnagram]

the old proverb:

give a man a fire, he's warm for a night
set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life

The Tao of Pratchett is always appropriate.

[Pex]

heh anogram i thought of that just after I posted it. and if witticism is all your aiming for that's fine, but it's a bit of a pet peeve of mine so I couldn't resist clearing it up. It's like the criminal misuse of the words ironic or literally. it just bugs me.

and at rlc: I did contribute. I gave a few examples of proper puns, and even one for scortching ray coming up with actual puns is pretty difficult, and that was the only one I could think of off the top of my head.

EDIT: for fireball, you could say something like "make the flames dance, Fireball!" playing on the other meaning of ball (a dance)

honestly you could even just say "Fire!" since your shooting it out at a target.

Someone needs to be pun-ished.

[Beleriphon]

the old proverb:

give a man a fire, he's warm for a night
set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life

"Ninjas can't grab you if you're on fire!"

[Theodoxus]

the old proverb:

give a man a fire, he's warm for a night
set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life

I loved Eddings take on that... set a man on fire, and then place him in an singular moment in time... eternal torment by the Troll Gods.

[Southpaw]

Animate Dead:
I see dead people.

Chill Touch:
Icy dead people.

Incendiary Cloud:
I.C. dead people.


....... okay I will stop now.

[pwykersotz]

I like pulling a Jim Darkmagic (http://www.penny-arcade.com/S=0/comic/2009/06/15/jim-darkmagic).

Yelling at your fighter: "You cut that poor man! He needs help! Quickly, cauterize the wound!" *FWOOSH!* "Oh dear, that didn't help, let me cool you off." *Chill touch right before the enemy priest heals him* "Oh dear, this isn't going as expected. And I'm alergic to...too...ACHOO!" *Cast Grease, acting as if you'd sneezed it* "...holy symbols."

[DontEatRawHagis]

Not what you are looking for but:

Magic Mrs.

Just like my wife it always hits wen you say something stupid.