song lyrics

[Nightmarenny]

Hey I have been looking at the parts of the board that I don't normaly visit and noticed that if said creative writing was ok. So could I post song lyrics I've been working on to critiqe?

Eh, on reflection that was a stupid question. So here I go,

TomorrowLand

We've drained you from the sus-tank
Its been firty-two years
Your fresh and I know this is scary
but don't shead a tear
Welcome to the world of Tomorrow
Where there is no pain and no sorrow
Where all your dreams come true

Yes some things are differant
It may be hard to cope
With the mouse's new implant
And the dogs on dope
Welcome to the world of Tomorrow
Where there is no pain and no sorrow
Where all your dreams come true

WMD(Our Little war)

Did you know I loved you incidently
Did you catch my spectacular re-entry
As I droped my weapons on your head
Were your though of me
When you knew that you were dead

Its my own personal apocalypse
And I'm fealing fine
Our own personal apocalypse
And I don't mind

When you placed that bullseye on my back
That leased those nukes to my presence
Did you not expect the fateful counter-attack
I the form of fifty megaton presents
ex-baby was it really a suprise
When our personal apocalypse arrived

Yesterday

Yesterday, Yesterday
You were lying next to me
Yesterday
I remmember clearly your smile
Yesterday
As I teased you lightly
Yesterday, oh ,yesterday
I think how I'd love to hold you nightly
That Yesterday, That yesterday
I wish I could make it everyday

[Amotis]

(Again) Depends what you want to do. Sometimes people write lyrics then music. Some people write music then lyrics. Some people write phrases in a hat and draw them and fit them into the music. Some people write excerpts of melodies or riffs and then try to fit them into the lyrics.

So I don't know at all if the lyrics fit the music or the music fits the lyrics or if they sound good or anything like that. I can only really interpret them as prose. So I would go to the masters of that on these boards. I'll just add my 2 cents.

Not sure what kinda style you are looking for. Storytelling kinda seems right out, as does any of the other dylan-y lyrical styles. It seems like the vague message types. Which is fine I guess, again depends on the music, built to spill has excellent vague messagy type songs and it fits perfectly and they say so much with so little. But it seems to lack when I just see it on paper. Like the first one, there is a lot of potential to speak about this topic of pessimism or whatever. But it just kinda hovers there with a few dark imagery and whatnot but no real climax or anticlimax or anything, just a kinda gray hovering. A better chorus might be good but again, that depends on the music, the current one seems just there and there no resolve at the end when you just say it again.

Second one, again, has potencial I suppose. But doesn't really anywhere with it. It's kinda just whining. Not in a emo sort of way cause at least sometimes emo must screams out a line and that clinches the song. But it's like a dude just talking about it. I suppose you could take it from a future pov and looking back or just talking about it or whatever, I'm not sure what you're trying to get at, but it needs more sticking points. Music and lyrics need to stand out or else they become muzak. It's like I could get the entire point of the song in the first stanza, that can be good if done right, but the way it is now is that the rest of the song is just saying the same thing.

Yesterday certainly sounds like a song that went music then lyrics and that's fine. Beruit, one of my favorites, says he loves melody and never really puts the emphasis on lyrics. Whatever, as long as it sounds good and it's good music, do what you want (unless it's just really really horrible lyrics, then it detracts).

Plus the spelling and grammar errors kinda point you a youngster or someone not completely comfortable with the language. Not that either is a bad thing but it says to practice.

[Nightmarenny]

Thank you, I'd just like to say one thing though.

About TomorrowLand(I probably should said this in the first post.)

Its incomplete and there is supposed to be sort of a three or four act feel to it.

Its kinda about a guy that wakes up in the future(or present) after having been frozen and how he reacts with the the way the Chorus is spoken first being gently and kinda self imposed perfection, and as the man learns things about the TomorrowLand it becomes kinda mockingly fictictious in nature and as the man rejects the TomorrowLand it becomes confused and pleading, this is perfect how could you reject us. Then after the man is delt with in an unspecified way it goes back to it self-imposed Perfection.

In the end its about how the world changes and how someone would react to the future even if alot of the changes arn't bad. Aswell as being a small swip at Disney:smallwink:. Anyway it seems I've alot of work to do if it didn't get the point across.

I may just toss WMD away if it sounds whiny, or preform significant re-writing.

[Brickwall]

Yesterday looks familiar from somewhere...hmmm...I really don't know where, but some of the lyrics just sound like I've heard them before.

[InaVegt]

Yesterday looks familiar from somewhere...hmmm...I really don't know where, but some of the lyrics just sound like I've heard them before.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now, I long, for yesterday

the beatles, probably not entirely correct, only a part of the song

[Nightmarenny]

This one I've probably put the most time into. I think its the 3rd or 4th draft.


Heaven for the Hell of it.

1st Verse

Swing those hips
To the man you can't resist
say my name
and I will do the same

Pre-Chorus

Yeah, we'll dance like devils
Fighting angel's
Hold each other close
until we almost.....

Chorus

Darling your my blood soaked angel
with a devil side to you
We will give each others paradise
Create eden anew
Darling we may as well submit
I must admit
We're Heaven for the Hell of it.

2nd Verse

Move your lips
Our bodies will eclipse
We slow dance
As your soul is Romanced

Repeat Pre-Chorus, Chorous

Yes, my blood soaked angel,
We'er Heaven for the Hell of it

[crazedloon]

^^

Wow I realy like that just wow.......

what can I say it sort of speaks to me :smallbiggrin:

[Nightmarenny]

^^

Wow I realy like that just wow.......

what can I say it sort of speaks to me :smallbiggrin:Thank you:smallbiggrin:

[Nightmarenny]

Hiya

Im on fire tonight
When a lite match
is a sign of hope
he's finds a life
at the end of a rope
Char away envy
leave behind the blame
Knowing its time
all through his veins

(does it seem so strange)
(anongst the distained)
Im leaving
Im leaving, Home
Im coming
Im coming Home

Im on fire tonight
Set it all alight
A hearts glow in the night

Have you seen city lights
They aint all that bright
Compared to a fire fight