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Squark
2014-10-21, 06:05 PM
So, the past few weeks, I've been playing d&d with a couple of people from my university's gamer's association. And, well, I'm not enjoying myself. Sessions are short because it's a weekday and some of the players can't start until 8:30, so I'm stuck on campus for hours without anything to do. And the game itself isn't really what I want either (I was hoping for intrigue or exotic locations, I got a bog standard dungeon crawl with uncreative kobolds). Plus, there's some play-style conflict...


Anyway, I'm planning to go to the session tomorrow, and if I still feel like this isnt working, let the DM know. Does anybody have suggestions with regards to how to do this politely?

Kiero
2014-10-21, 06:29 PM
"Hey everyone, I appreciate that you let me play with you all, but this isn't working for me. So good luck and hope you have fun with the game going forwards, maybe our paths will cross in the next game."

DontEatRawHagis
2014-10-21, 07:05 PM
"I'm sorry <Insert DM name here>, but I'm not gonna be able to make it to game tonight. It is nothing against you guys, but weekdays aren't working out for me."

Then proceed to try and run a game on Saturday. Ask your personal friends that you know would be a good fit to join you.

Squark
2014-10-21, 07:30 PM
Thanks for the suggestions. I was more worried about being asked to elaborate, but I guess the schedule should be reason enough.


Ah well. I imagine I'll find another game that better suits me eventually.

Aedilred
2014-10-21, 07:39 PM
"Screw you guys, I'm going home."

Yeah, just say it isn't working out for you, good luck with the game, and leave it at that. No need to be over-elaborate.

To be honest, most people can spot a polite face-saver when they see one, and let it go with good grace. You can have problems when you try to duck out of something elegantly and you then get the "but why?" and then every one of the objections you can raise is either challenged or a solution is suggested. "You can't do this evening? OK, we'll do it tomorrow evening. Or the one after. When are you next free?" gradually cutting off all your escape routes until you're forced either to endure the unsatisfactory status quo or be openly blunt and borderline rude.

Fortunately, most people don't do that, although unfortunately that sort of behaviour is unusually prevalent in geek circles, and you can help stop it arising by being brief and definite when you initially bring it up. "I'm going to leave - it's not working out, I'm afraid. Good luck with the rest of the group." As soon as you start hedging and wheedling and adding vague but not deal-breaking reasons, that gives them an "in" to make life awkward for you.

Grinner
2014-10-21, 10:47 PM
Yeah, just say it isn't working out for you, good luck with the game, and leave it at that. No need to be over-elaborate.

I agree. Frequently, a direct, firm, and polite approach yields the results you want.

Of course, that's not as much fun. Instead, you should give them something to remember you by. Go ahead, shout them down, flip the table, and maybe kick over a chair or two. It'll be fun! :smallbiggrin:

Silus
2014-10-21, 10:51 PM
I agree. Frequently, a direct, firm, and polite approach yields the results you want.

Of course, that's not as much fun. Instead, you should give them something to remember you by. Go ahead, shout them down, flip the table, and maybe kick over a chair or two. It'll be fun! :smallbiggrin:

Set fire to their dice bags and character sheets, flip the table, pop on some sunglasses and moonwalk out while giving them the finger with both hands.

huttj509
2014-10-21, 11:08 PM
Yeah, any sort of "sorry, something's come up for the forseeable future" or generic bow out should be fine. If the GM asks for more details, playstyle conflict in general can be mentioned, but if there's any sort of grilling implied, just say "sorry" and walk.

I only mention about possible elaboration since you mention the college Gamer's Association. Depending on how it's set up, there might be concern about "shoot, did we drive away the new blood?" or maybe another game that's a better fit.

As someone who's been involved with college clubs for geeky stuff (in my case it was Anime, and a friend/roommate with the officers of the club, though I fled official responsibility myself), I could see an officer-type wanting to know of something was going on that could be fixed, but in that case "playstyle mismatch" would be a fine answer.

Slipperychicken
2014-10-21, 11:35 PM
I'm not enjoying myself. Sessions are short because it's a weekday and some of the players can't start until 8:30, so I'm stuck on campus for hours without anything to do. And the game itself isn't really what I want either (I was hoping for intrigue or exotic locations, I got a bog standard dungeon crawl with uncreative kobolds). Plus, there's some play-style conflict...

Basically just tell them this. It's inconvenient for you to attend sessions, you're not getting what you want out of the game, and you hope they continue to have lots of fun without you.

BWR
2014-10-22, 01:20 AM
Being honest about how it's really taxing to hang around campus for those hours and only get in a few hours of gametime should be understood by most people. I've seen several people pull out for 'time issues'. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. Bottom line, most people will be ok with you spneding your free time in better ways than gaming with them. I doubt they will make an issue of this. If they do, be honest that the time constraints are a problem and you are in the mood for something other than standard dungeon crawls. Make sure you don't give the impression that what they are doing is wrong, just say it isn't what you want right now.

You can't akways be sure you won't offend someone but most people are decent folks and won't make a big deal of it. Despite the horror stories of bad players and GMs lurking around here, these are the exceptions, not the rules.

huttj509
2014-10-22, 05:33 AM
You can't akways be sure you won't offend someone but most people are decent folks and won't make a big deal of it. Despite the horror stories of bad players and GMs lurking around here, these are the exceptions, not the rules.

Yeah. "Everything went smoothly" doesn't make a good story, so doesn't get reported as much.

Mark Hall
2014-10-22, 07:05 AM
Just slip out the back, Jack, you make a new plan
Stan, don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, get yourself free


There must be 50 ways to leave your gamer...

Mr.Moron
2014-10-22, 08:19 AM
"Hey, I'm just not feeling the game so I won't be showing up from now on. Feel free to split up my stuff."

Galen
2014-10-22, 11:22 AM
Thanks for the suggestions. I was more worried about being asked to elaborate, but I guess the schedule should be reason enough.


Ah well. I imagine I'll find another game that better suits me eventually.Do not elaborate. Do not give any reasons. Classic mistake. People think that by giving reasons they will somehow make it better, but all it does is encourage the other side to argue, and makes things worse.


"Dear DM, I'm leaving because <X>"
"What?? You got this completely wrong, I've been avoiding <X> all the time! And besides, why do you care so much about <X>?? We've got a lot of <Y> going on! What's wrong with you!?!"

Do not give any reasons. Just send an email to the DM and fellow players that you appreciate the game, but have to quit. If you must, add "for personal reasons", but that's the most elaboration that you will ever provide.

Squark
2014-10-22, 02:32 PM
Yeah, any sort of "sorry, something's come up for the forseeable future" or generic bow out should be fine. If the GM asks for more details, playstyle conflict in general can be mentioned, but if there's any sort of grilling implied, just say "sorry" and walk.

I only mention about possible elaboration since you mention the college Gamer's Association. Depending on how it's set up, there might be concern about "shoot, did we drive away the new blood?" or maybe another game that's a better fit.

As someone who's been involved with college clubs for geeky stuff (in my case it was Anime, and a friend/roommate with the officers of the club, though I fled official responsibility myself), I could see an officer-type wanting to know of something was going on that could be fixed, but in that case "playstyle mismatch" would be a fine answer.

Given that I'm kind of sort of the officer in question (I took the job because nobody else was stepping up and the university requires a vice president and secretary on record, although I am in charge of managing a few things. Of course, getting everyone communicating and lining up schedules is like herding cats), I don't see that being an issue. :smallwink:

Grinner
2014-10-22, 05:02 PM
Set fire to their dice bags and character sheets, flip the table, pop on some sunglasses and moonwalk out while giving them the finger with both hands.

You're gonna go far. :smallcool:

BWR
2014-10-23, 01:50 AM
Do not elaborate. Do not give any reasons. Classic mistake. People think that by giving reasons they will somehow make it better, but all it does is encourage the other side to argue, and makes things worse.



Do not give any reasons. Just send an email to the DM and fellow players that you appreciate the game, but have to quit. If you must, add "for personal reasons", but that's the most elaboration that you will ever provide.

I'll have to disagree with this. Saying "I'm leaving" and nothing more is going to leave people wondering a lot. Are you just a jerk? Do you have problems at home? Is it something we did?
"I'm leaving because of time issues" is not only perfectly true in this case but it will instantly understandable and not leave the group feeling that the OP is just being weird or impolite.

Kiero
2014-10-23, 04:40 AM
I'll have to disagree with this. Saying "I'm leaving" and nothing more is going to leave people wondering a lot. Are you just a jerk? Do you have problems at home? Is it something we did?
"I'm leaving because of time issues" is not only perfectly true in this case but it will instantly understandable and not leave the group feeling that the OP is just being weird or impolite.

I'm with the people saying don't give your reasons. It's the kindest cut of all, since elaborating on them is the equivalent of throwing in a grenade and walking away. Sure it might help fix whatever the problem is with the group. More likely is that it will just lead to defensiveness and recriminations, and sour any future relationship with the people involved.

Let them think you're weird, but there's nothing impolite about an unemotional delivery where you thank them for their time, but apologise for having to leave.

Lemonblu
2014-10-23, 07:35 AM
"How do I leave the game politely?"

Link them to this thread.

Galen
2014-10-23, 10:19 AM
I'll have to disagree with this. Saying "I'm leaving" and nothing more is going to leave people wondering a lot.
For maybe ten minutes. And then they forget about you and get on with their lives. Drama averted.


"I'm leaving because of time issues" is not only perfectly true in this case but it will instantly understandable and not leave the group feeling that the OP is just being weird or impolite.It might be instantly understandable OR it might lead to "well, if you have time issues we can move the game by half an hour ... what do you mean you still can't make it!? We're trying to accommodate for you and going through this effort of moving the game by half an hour and you still can't make it!?!". Instant drama.

ElenionAncalima
2014-10-23, 10:33 AM
It might be instantly understandable OR it might lead to "well, if you have time issues we can move the game by half an hour ... what do you mean you still can't make it!? We're trying to accommodate for you and going through this effort of moving the game by half an hour and you still can't make it!?!". Instant drama.

Seeing as how he said there are a few players how can't make it earlier than 8:30pm, I don't think that will be an issue in this case. I doubt they will cut off multiple players to accommodate him.

Galen
2014-10-23, 10:38 AM
Seeing as how he said there are a few players how can't make it earlier than 8:30pm, I don't think that will be an issue in this case. I doubt they will cut off multiple players to accommodate him.
In this particular case, you may be right. However, in general, saying "I'm leaving because <X>" is only appropriate if:
a. <X> is your only reason for leaving
b. You know for sure that if <X> is resolved, you will recant your decision

Otherwise, it might lead to <X> being somehow resolved, or at least the other players claiming it is resolved, and you still leaving, which by the way makes you look a lot more like a jerk than if you just said "guys, I'm leaving". It also might lead to DM and other player arguing with you about "why you even place so much value on <X>". Maybe in this particular group, nobody cares about <X> and it's all about <Y>, and people who put much emphasis on <X> are, again, deemed jerks.

So, while saying "I'm leaving for time reasons" might work, the safest out is to just leave.

Narren
2014-10-23, 11:51 AM
For maybe ten minutes. And then they forget about you and get on with their lives. Drama averted.

It might be instantly understandable OR it might lead to "well, if you have time issues we can move the game by half an hour ... what do you mean you still can't make it!? We're trying to accommodate for you and going through this effort of moving the game by half an hour and you still can't make it!?!". Instant drama.


I don't know....I wouldn't be able to awkwardly say "I'm leaving" and leave everyone wondering what happened. I know I'd be wondering what happened for awhile if I was on the other side of the table. I'd probably think the situation was actually a lot worse than it was.

He can simply say "Guys, I've had fun, but I just don't have enough time in my schedule right now to keep playing." He can blame school, work, family, whatever. It doesn't leave the group feeling like they've done something wrong (which OP doesn't seem to think they have) and it doesn't give them any kind of way to convince you to stay. It's the classic "it's not you, it's me" only it sounds believable (which it mostly is).

If they insist on further explanation, then they're the ones being rude/awkward, and he shouldn't feel bad saying "sorry guys" and just walking out at that point.

Aedilred
2014-10-23, 12:13 PM
In this particular case, you may be right. However, in general, saying "I'm leaving because <X>" is only appropriate if:
a. <X> is your only reason for leaving
b. You know for sure that if <X> is resolved, you will recant your decision

Otherwise, it might lead to <X> being somehow resolved, or at least the other players claiming it is resolved, and you still leaving, which by the way makes you look a lot more like a jerk than if you just said "guys, I'm leaving". It also might lead to DM and other player arguing with you about "why you even place so much value on <X>". Maybe in this particular group, nobody cares about <X> and it's all about <Y>, and people who put much emphasis on <X> are, again, deemed jerks.

So, while saying "I'm leaving for time reasons" might work, the safest out is to just leave.
I agree with this wholeheartedly.


He can simply say "Guys, I've had fun, but I just don't have enough time in my schedule right now to keep playing." He can blame school, work, family, whatever. It doesn't leave the group feeling like they've done something wrong (which OP doesn't seem to think they have) and it doesn't give them any kind of way to convince you to stay. It's the classic "it's not you, it's me" only it sounds believable (which it mostly is).
It might work for a bit. But what if he finds another group and starts playing with them, and his current group finds out about it? It'll then become "well he clearly does have time to play, he must just not like us" and they end up taking offence.

The problem with giving reasons is that people believe them. So they might try to help resolve them (which, as Galen says, is only desirable if that reason is the real dealbreaker) or if they later discover that you've, by their understanding, lied to them, they'll be put out. That's why in any of these sorts of situations it's best to give as few reasons as possible, and if you must give reasons, make them vague but definitely impossible to resolve.

Galen
2014-10-23, 12:21 PM
It might work for a bit. But what if he finds another group and starts playing with them, and his current group finds out about it? It'll then become "well he clearly does have time to play, he must just not like us" and they end up taking offence.Actually happened to me.
A guy quit my D&D group "because he didn't have time", so he said. Sometimes I see him in the same game store, playing miniature games. Invariably, it gets awkward. Because I obviously know he has time, just chooses not to spend it playing D&D with our group. And he knows I know.

Lord Torath
2014-10-23, 01:09 PM
I think your best bet is to be honest. Tell them you can't afford the time hanging around campus, and you're not really enjoying the current type of game. But you enjoy hanging out with them, and after this campaign ends, and if the time changes, you'll be happy to rejoin the group. In the mean time, best of luck in your current campaign.

No hurt feelings, and no awkwardness of you knowing they know the truth.

Squark
2014-10-23, 02:16 PM
And... the people who can't make it before 8:30 canceled last minute. So I spent 5 hours on campus just to spend twixe as long going home because the last express bus leaves at 7 >:(. And I didn't get a chance to talk to the DM. *sigh* Would you say e-mail or text is better for letting him know I'm dropping out of the game?

Galen
2014-10-23, 02:20 PM
And... the people who can't make it before 8:30 canceled last minute. So I spent 5 hours on campus just to spend twixe as long going home because the last express bus leaves at 7 >:(. And I didn't get a chance to talk to the DM. *sigh* Would you say e-mail or text is better for letting him know I'm dropping out of the game?Both are sufficiently impersonal :smallsmile:. Email is more likely to reach him at home, in a familiar environment, in which he'd be more relaxed (which is a good thing), while a text can reach him anywhere and possibly stress him out more than is required. Which is why I prefer to give people bad news by email, not text.

Tengu_temp
2014-10-23, 07:16 PM
If I were you, I wouldn't bother waiting 5 hours to tell them in person in the first place. Just let the DM know through an e-mail and be on your merry way.

Squark
2014-10-23, 07:34 PM
If I were you, I wouldn't bother waiting 5 hours to tell them in person in the first place. Just let the DM know through an e-mail and be on your merry way.

Well, that was supposed to be a last trial for the game. And then the rest/half (Not sure if one of the players dropped or just missed the last session) of the party bailed without letting the DM know more than 10 minutes before the session.

Jay R
2014-10-23, 07:45 PM
The way to leave the game politely is to not be rude when doing it. Insulting them on your way out, for any reason, and even with the best possible motives, does not qualify.

Having said that, ...


There must be 50 ways to leave your gamer...

I think we're done here.