Comical discrepancies between fluff and crunch

[Extra Anchovies]

Let's all share our favorite moments when something's crunch (such as creature statblocks, spell rules text, etc) directly contradicts its stated fluff, with humorous results. I will demonstrate by providing my favorite (it still makes me chuckle every time since I discovered it a few weeks ago):


Pistis Sophia, the Ascetic

She wants for nothing and inspires others to pursue self-perfection by casting off possessions and clothing—symbols of greed and insecurity.

Treasure: Triple standard
whoops

[Troacctid]

"A Spiker's spiny skin grants resistance to bludgeoning attacks, though piercing or slashing attacks slip through normally."

Its DR is only bypassed by bludgeoning damage.

[Forrestfire]

I think my favorite will always be this one:

Of all classes, fighters have the best all-around fighting capabilities (hence the name).

[(Un)Inspired]

I think my favorite will always be this one:

Ah you beat me to the punch

[Fax Celestis]

Ah you beat me to the punch

http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/000/681/what-you-did-there-i-see-it.thumbnail.jpg

[nedz]

Ah you beat me to the punch

No, no - that punch line belongs to:

Her goal is to achieve a state which is beyond the mortal realm.

[Venger]

Druids are proficient with the following weapons: club, dagger, dart, quarterstaff, scimitar, sickle, shortspear, sling, and spear.

This quote implies that druids ever leave wild shape, which we all know to be untrue.

[Jack_Simth]

This quote implies that druids ever leave wild shape, which we all know to be untrue.

Hey now! A Druid of level 1-4 can't Wildshape at all; a 5th level Druid can only wildshape once a day (and then only for five hours). A 6th level Druid can only get two six-hour uses (so 12 hours), and a 7th level Druid can only get three 7-hour uses. It's not until Druid-8 that they can go animal full-time. Those weapon proficiencies are totally useful!

[atemu1234]

Hey now! A Druid of level 1-4 can't Wildshape at all; a 5th level Druid can only wildshape once a day (and then only for five hours). A 6th level Druid can only get two six-hour uses (so 12 hours), and a 7th level Druid can only get three 7-hour uses. It's not until Druid-8 that they can go animal full-time. Those weapon proficiencies are totally useful!

Bear wielding a Quarterstaff - it must be done!

[Telok]

No, no - that punch line belongs to:

Monk beyond the mortal realm... Dead?

[atemu1234]

Monk beyond the mortal realm... Dead?

So Ironic, not Discrepancy.

[Venger]

Monk beyond the mortal realm... Dead?

Or hit by banishment/dismissal/holy word variant

[nedz]

So Ironic, not Discrepancy.

Well, except that, whatever you think about Monks, they are quite hard to kill.

[Inevitability]

This quote implies that druids ever leave wild shape, which we all know to be untrue.

Mouthpick. Swapping out a bite attack for 3 quarterstaff attacks, each of which still receives your many bonuses can be a pretty good trade.

[prufock]

Well, except that, whatever you think about Monks, they are quite hard to kill.

This has not been my experience.