Most interesting thing said in a D&D Session

[zeifly]

Hi guys! So I was just wondering what the most interesting/funniest thing you've ever heard said in a session. For me, I think it's "I don't want to play a paladin because I can't burn down villages!"

[Snowbluff]

"I'm a wizard, Nick."

[Red Fel]

You may find some amusement in this thread (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?350188-Campaign-Quotes-No-Context-Edition-II-We-all-want-to-be-the-Majestic-12).

Here's one from an old campaign, still makes me crack a smile:
DM: Okay, fine. Roll to see how 'impressive' you are. And remember, this castle is drafty.

[Heikold]

From a Pathfinder game last weekend:

NG Cleric: "Sorcerers have an empathic link with their familiar right? So perhaps the monk and the rogue could take your lizard with them on the scouting mission and use it to communicate with us?"

DM: "It just conveys emotions and feelings. Nothing specific."

LG Monk: "Maybe we could keep stroking it to let the party know that we're okay and everything is going well due to the feeling of calm that that should convey to you?"

LN Sorcerer: "I suppose that would be okay..."

CN Rogue: "And if we get seen and it all goes to **** we punch the lizard to call for backup?"

*Everyone laughs and looks at the DM who has his head in his hands*

DM: "I wish I could tell you that this plan won't work, but I can't."

[Vhaidara]

"Slippery Snail, your husband's in jail!"
From our sorcerer to the wife of a bandit we had just captured and turned in (we went back to the camp afterwards)

"My cart is always loaded and usually mine!"
Dwarven fighter after accidentally stealing a cart to follow us. the player had missed the last session, so the GM ruled that he had still been passed out drunk when we left, taking his cart. He woke up, still not sober, and took a cart he thought was his to follow us.

[Heikold]

From a Pathfinder game last weekend:

NG Cleric: "Sorcerers have an empathic link with their familiar right? So perhaps the monk and the rogue could take your lizard with them on the scouting mission and use it to communicate with us?"

DM: "It just conveys emotions and feelings. Nothing specific."

LG Monk: "Maybe we could keep stroking it to let the party know that we're okay and everything is going well due to the feeling of calm that that should convey to you?"

LN Sorcerer: "I suppose that would be okay..."

CN Rogue: "And if we get seen and it all goes to **** we punch the lizard to call for backup?"

*Everyone laughs and looks at the DM who has his head in his hands*

DM: "I wish I could tell you that this plan won't work, but I can't."

I should add that this provoked the later exclamation of:

CN Rogue: "**** **** ****! PUNCH THE LIZARD! PUNCH THE LIZARD!"

[Snowbluff]

Speaking of pathfinder, when I learned the Plane Shift spell:

"Next time we engage in social combat, I just sent the guy to his favorite afterlife and take all of his stuff?"

and

"From now on, I'm just going to throw evil people I don't like into Elysium, and let the celestials sort them out."

[StoneCipher]

Once I was playing a cleric of St. Cuthbert and a PC in heavy armor fell overboard but managed to grab onto a rope before falling into the ocean. My cleric was in a rowboat and within helping distance. However, this particular PC was always causing trouble and breaking laws.

I said "I'll roll a percentile die to see if my character cares enough to save you."

[Telonius]

Me (DM), while listing off the treasure: ".... and a +1 Dwarven Waraxe."
S, first-time player: "Did you just say a +1 Dwarven Lorax?"

New magic item: Dwarven Lorax, usable by Druids without penalty.

[RogueWizard]

DM: Your dinosaur jumps from the flying carpet and slowly descends through the vortex of summoned demons and reaches the ground...that may be the awesomest thing I've ever said.

[rgrekejin]

DM: Well, congratulations. I do believe this is the first time I've ever seen someone bludgeon a bear to death using another bear.

[BWR]

Me (player): "Let's just subtract half our hit points and say we won the battle."
Other player: "Can I use Remove Curse to have an abortion?"

[Snowbluff]

Me (player): "Let's just subtract half our hit points and say we won the battle."
Other player: "Can I use Remove Curse to have an abortion?"

I'm going to assume these happened in the same combat. Noodle incident.

[Crake]

Me (player): "Let's just subtract half our hit points and say we won the battle."
Other player: "Can I use Remove Curse to have an abortion?"

Remove disease works too

[nedz]

I'm going to assume these happened in the same combat. Noodle incident.

Combat ? I just assumed it was rough ...

[Dondasch]

Me: "How does it feel to be the one punching people, instead of the one being punched? Not too good, does it?"

The person being addressed was a smarmy NPC noble who goaded people into attacking him, then had them locked in irons/took other legal action for daring to assault him. But this was Pathfinder, and I seized the chance to turn the tables when I picked up the Antagonize feat as part of my build. And the chance to gloat after he realized what had happened.

[atemu1234]

Remove disease works too

As does selective mass inflict serious wounds.

[ZamielVanWeber]

"Now you can finally say that one of your plot critical NPCs has twerked so hard they caught fire."

Followup comment:
"I can't believe 'twerking' is now a thing in my world."

[Rater202]

In my first ever game of 3.5, an other PC and I had an extended conversation that ended with the GM declaring that My PC was worshiped as a God by the little men that lived in the dwarven druid's Beard of Holding.

[TheCrowing1432]

Remove disease works too

So does Cure Light Wounds

[rgrekejin]

Player: "...this entire session has just been one really elaborate Tenacious D joke, hasn't it?"

[Heikold]

Player: "...this entire session has just been one really elaborate Tenacious D joke, hasn't it?"

Haha I totally DMed a session once where I did that. They stole the Bow of Destiny (bow as in violin bow) from a halfling bard and tried to fence it. The fence transformed into a devil and there was a rock off... you know the rest.

It wasn't until the devil appeared that they connected the dots.

[Telonius]

LOL if you ever run it again, one of our homebrewers statted up a Shiney Demon (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?10380-Slayer-of-Bards-Creature-Mitp) awhile back.

[TheIronGolem]

"Good news: I just armed the lizards."

[Tindragon]

Old 1E campaign, still stands as the best.

So the Captain of the Istan guard giving our party the riot act about how law abiding the citizenry are, after we've dispatched the local ruffians we caught trying to steal our purses. He attempts to arrest us for vigilantism or some such BS.

Captain says something to the affect of "people of Istan are not above the law"

Our barbarian, as the captain approaches him with manacles

"I'm not from Istan!" as he swings his sword, natural 20, followed by a natural 20 (house rule crits)

head falls, we had to burn a good portion of Istan to cover our tracks.

20 years later, still the best line thanks to the follow up roll.

[Kazyan]

"So the lion and the animated mass of chains are wrestling in the cage made of stone. The lion is winning."

D&D out of context is fun.

[BWR]

I'm going to assume these happened in the same combat. Noodle incident.

Closer to 20 years apart and two different groups. Sorry for the confusion.
On the subject of unwanted pregnancies we ruled the cleric's Immortal wouldn't condone abortion. But we did go through the list of Remove Disease, Restoration, letting the party's Magus use her as a punching bag, poisons, Limited Wish, etc. just for fun. Amusingly enough, about a month after that session that player learned he was going to be a father.

[atemu1234]

"Do dragons dream of fire-breathing sheep?"

"What do I roll for a D20 check?"

"How much damage did I take from the kitten batting at me?"

"No one told me that the Mark of Justice goes off when I start singing!"

"As my character disintegrates into dust, he shouts, 'ATREYU!'"

[Heikold]

LOL if you ever run it again, one of our homebrewers statted up a Shiney Demon (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?10380-Slayer-of-Bards-Creature-Mitp) awhile back.

Bahaha!

Thanks, I'm totally saving that somewhere :smalltongue:

[supersonic29]

"This seems like a sensible inn to choose then" (paraphrased)

"Does it have a continental breakfast?"

of all the requirements

[SVentura77]

"I pick up one half of the innkeeper's body and use it to bash the guard's skull in."

"I just want the face. Can I cut off just the face?"

~S~

[incarnate236]

Infiltrating a Drow Encampment:

"What If I cut off his face and wear it as a mask? Do I get a bonus on my disguise check?"

(shakes head)

"Yes a +2."

Closing a Planar Gate:

"The two angels notice you are trying to affect the gate and start flying towards you."

"I **** myself."

[Nibbens]

Some backdrop: I play a halfling barbarian in 5E who has a hat. This hat has a pair of antlers as tall as he is, so instead of 3 and 1/2 feet tall, he's 7 feet when you take into account the height of the hat. The hat has become sort of the party flag, so when my character got captured and brought before the BBEG and interrogated... they took the hat.

All attempts to bluff my way out the situation abruptly ended as I gave the dwarf who took the hat the dirtiest stare ever.

Eventually I made my way out of the dungeon they kept me in, and instead of escaping the enemy encampment I went searching for the hat... openly and without trying to conceal my movement.

I found the hat on top of a table, with the dwarf who took it and a human playing cards together at said table. What transpired was funny at the time (not sure how it's going to come across on this platform)

DM: You see your hat on the table with two people sitting at it.

Me: I calmly approach the table.

DM: The dwarf recognizes you and stares, wide eyed and in shock.

Me: I keep his gaze as I pull out a dagger, then I reach for the hat on the table and put it on.

DM: Okay.

Me: I then proceed to murder him broad daylight.

All in all, the game went well and one player pulled out his cell phone and started streaming the song "Murder Train" by the Foreskins.

And that's how my character got his theme song.

[zeifly]

DM: You see your hat on the table with two people sitting at it.

Me: I calmly approach the table.

DM: The dwarf recognizes you and stares, wide eyed and in shock.

Me: I keep his gaze as I pull out a dagger, then I reach for the hat on the table and put it on.

DM: Okay.

Me: I then proceed to murder him broad daylight.

All in all, the game went well and one player pulled out his cell phone and started streaming the song "Murder Train" by the Foreskins.

And that's how my character got his theme song.

xD I laughed so hard at this! absolutely brilliant. You get bonus experience for good roleplaying!

[weckar]

[We have a houserule that someone who comes back from unconcious is still considered helpless until they can do an action. This happened as a minor villain who seriously dragged my character over the line was partially recovering from a Color Spray.]

DM: "Okay, he is opening his eyes and looks at you in utter fear."
Me: "Opened his eyes, you said? Guess where I'm landing this next Coup de Grace?"

[thethird]

As a tax payer of this city I demand death by catapult. Now pull that lever!

*After confused NPC catapults my PC*

Feather fall. Joke is on them, never payed taxes anyway.

[Novawurmson]

"...and as our fee for negotiating this treaty, we're taking your peacock. It's...a feecock!"

"I still get my sneak attack while polymorphed into a bunny, right?"

[Ferronach]

I was helping a buddy out by "playing" some of his NPCs for him while the aprty were in a town.
Two of the NPCs were teenaged boys that survived by stealing from adventurers.
They say the Party Paladin, one distracted her while the other stole her gold.

When she noticed (chick playing a female elf that all agreed was extremely attractive and charismatic who wore very form fitting armour), she chased after the boys and cornered them.
this is what she said "I do a quick search check to see if there are any bulges in their pants"
Needless to say, every nearly died of laughter.


In a different group my warforged (dm ruled to be excessively heavy, 800lbs heavy) was introduced to the party shortly prior to the incident as a statue in an ancient abandoned church (my warforged travelled through time in a portal accident to a time/place where no-one knows what a wf is). We were hoplessly outnumbered by undead and cornered in the main chapel fo the curch. One of the players noticed that the floor sounded hollow when I walked around.
Player: "I shout to the statue and say 'Hey! temple guardian' and then do this" Rather than standing up an mimicing a jumping action, "this" turned ot to be a seated air humping motion....

[Yael]

"I rolled a natural 20, oh, another natural 20, oh! Another natural 20! Per the rule, a three natural 20 in a row equals to instakill, so I feel very sorry for Mr. Ruby Rod, there."

[LoyalPaladin]

My party is currently playing a 3.5 version Baldur's Gate and some of us were tasked with robbing a corrupt dwarf tax collector. The people tasked happened to be our CN Fire Genasi Fighter and our TN Yuan-Ti Pureblood Warlock. The Genasi was the "distraction" and the Yuan-Ti was the burglar. Here is how it went down. I'll split this into two parts.

Genasi "I look around shiftily, while in line of sight with the city guard."

DM "Okay... they notice you and begin to walk over to you."

Genasi "I run down a dark alley as soon as I see them!"

DM "They chase you and start yelling for you to halt."

Genasi "I ignore them until we are 3 blocks away and then drop to the ground doing pushups"

DM "The guards approach you and ask what you are doing."

Genasi "I am a fighter and I have to stay in top physical condition!"

DM "They tell you not to roam the streets at night and work out during the day from now on."



While the Genasi made the distraction, our Yuan-Ti became a snake (forcing him to ditch his clothes) and broke into the dwarf's home. He stole the chest and booked it out the front door (naked). Now here is where it gets tricky, the dwarf saw him and called the guard. So while trying to redress himself in an alley, he was accosted by the guards who were looking for a naked man with a chest. Here is how it went.

DM "The guards want to take you into custody because you fit the profile of a naked man with a chest."

Yuan-Ti "That's not me! A man just mugged me and tried to take my clothes from me! He ran that way!"

He then proceeded to roll a nat-20 on his bluff role and pulled off the smoothest, weirdest heist in our group's history of D&D.

[Venger]

"I rolled a natural 20, oh, another natural 20, oh! Another natural 20! Per the rule, a three natural 20 in a row equals to instakill, so I feel very sorry for Mr. Ruby Rod, there."

http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120709161623/bloodandhonor/images/7/74/Ruby_Rhod.jpg

Oh hell no!

[(Un)Inspired]

http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120709161623/bloodandhonor/images/7/74/Ruby_Rhod.jpg

Oh hell no!

I had a fellow pc in a game I played in run a bard. Over the course of several sessions it became very apparent that the player had built Ruby Rhod. The apex of his character's Rhodness was spending an entire combat screaming in the middle of a melee instead of fighting. It was like an 8 round combat!

I know I should have hated the character as much as I hated Chris Tucker's annoying DJ in the Fifth Element but I could help but laugh every time the group got together. I'm still smiling and shaking my head just thinking about it.

Why the hell did he want to roleplay a character like that?

[ArqArturo]

After a player was Balefully polymorphed into a baby seal, and failed all the saving throws he could get, the ranged picked it up and hugged it.

"I will love you, and cuddle you, and feed you and call you George".

[Lightlawbliss]

Party had just killed a large dragon in the middle of a now destroyed town.
the party Factotum (really low cha): "I crawl inside the dragon using the wound from the killing blow, pull out my barrel, and start gathering the blood and skinning the dragon from the inside. The party will handle the entire town better without me."

[ArqArturo]

In my first PF game, I wanted to implement the called shot rules; they looked simple, clean and concise in my opinion, but one of my players didn't. He played a ragechemist/barbarian and, during a fight with some mercenaries he dismounted one of the mercs and grabbed the horse.

"I throw the horse to the mercenary lord"

"Ok, throw the dice to..."

"I do a Called Shot with it. To the eye".

Next session, called shots were no longer allowed.

[supersonic29]

"The party will handle the entire town better without me."

Dang, that sounds so depressing, maybe I just love being the silvertounge face of the party though I dunno.

[Lightlawbliss]

Dang, that sounds so depressing, maybe I just love being the silvertounge face of the party though I dunno.

In his defense, he had 6 cha after the +2 item, had used hide and move silently for his social interactions, and the party (ignoring the CN crusader who didn't care) didn't want to kill the entire town.

[Venger]

I had a fellow pc in a game I played in run a bard. Over the course of several sessions it became very apparent that the player had built Ruby Rhod. The apex of his character's Rhodness was spending an entire combat screaming in the middle of a melee instead of fighting. It was like an 8 round combat!

I know I should have hated the character as much as I hated Chris Tucker's annoying DJ in the Fifth Element but I could help but laugh every time the group got together. I'm still smiling and shaking my head just thinking about it.

Why the hell did he want to roleplay a character like that?

that's pretty hilarious. probably novelty? who can tell with stuff like this.

[SiuiS]

Can we please stop discussing the many nuances of magical abortion?

[ArqArturo]

Can we please stop discussing the many nuances of magical abortion?

I leave this thread for one hour and this happens? :smalleek:

[Red Rubber Band]

Can we please stop discussing the many nuances of magical abortion?

Are you using Internet Explorer? Badum-tsch



"So while you guys are failing horribly against the second in command, your summoned squid has stopped the BBEG for the last three turns by face sucking him."

Squidley went on to become the MVP and gained a permanent place in the Material Plane.

[SiuiS]

There's no party like an iron heart surge party.

Please don't continue in poor taste because of a request to stop.


Are you using Internet Explorer? Badum-tsch

No. Why is that relevant to asking people to adhere to the forum rules?

[Red Rubber Band]

No. Why is that relevant to asking people to adhere to the forum rules?

It wasn't.

[Gnome Alone]

It wasn't.

Yeah, so, why'd you ask that, then? I didn't get that either.

[Red Rubber Band]

Yeah, so, why'd you ask that, then? I didn't get that either.

Because of the time and post difference between the magical abortion conversation and the request to stop it.

I hope this doesn't turn into a thing. It'll be the second lame joke in two days that has gone south. :smalltongue:

[SiuiS]

Because of the time and post difference between the magical abortion conversation and the request to stop it.

I hope this doesn't turn into a thing. It'll be the second lame joke in two days that has gone south. :smalltongue:

Forums are time magic. Whatever you say a week ago with days or hours in between is one conversation to me, and seeing it happen again, and again, and the fact that Venger took a pot shot afterwards, clearly indicate a request was necessary.

[Red Rubber Band]

Forums are time magic. Whatever you say a week ago with days or hours in between is one conversation to me, and seeing it happen again, and again, and the fact that Venger took a pot shot afterwards, clearly indicate a request was necessary.

Well. Looks like it's a thing now. :smallsigh:

2 minor quibbles. Using Venger's quote which was posted in response to yours actually doesn't reinforce your point. And forums aren't really time magic as threads do expire. :smalltongue: <- Please take note of the emoticon thingy. It's there for a reason.

I wonder if this would have turned out differently had I used blue text?

[Venger]

Forums are time magic. Whatever you say a week ago with days or hours in between is one conversation to me, and seeing it happen again, and again, and the fact that Venger took a pot shot afterwards, clearly indicate a request was necessary.

Yeah, I think that's what's going on here


Because of the time and post difference between the magical abortion conversation and the request to stop it.

I hope this doesn't turn into a thing. It'll be the second lame joke in two days that has gone south. :smalltongue:

This is basically the case. Since no one had mentioned anything about the subject in a couple of days, I thought that your statement was a quote from your table and you were playing the game, since the posts in this thread are strange statements out of context, so I posted in response not to "take a potshot" at you, but to build on what I thought was a comment of yours. After you made it clear it bothered you, I went back and deleted my post. I did not understand that you were actually commenting about the content of the thread itself.


Well. Looks like it's a thing now. :smallsigh:

2 minor quibbles. Using Venger's quote which was posted in response to yours actually doesn't reinforce your point. And forums aren't really time magic as threads do expire. :smalltongue: <- Please take note of the emoticon thingy. It's there for a reason.

I wonder if this would have turned out differently had I used blue text?


Blue text is your friend.

[SiuiS]

Well. Looks like it's a thing now. :smallsigh:

Not so. If I'm referring to a message board as arcane witchery then I'm clearly moving to a lighter tone.


And forums aren't really time magic as threads do expire.

That's true.


I wonder if this would have turned out differently had I used blue text?

Nah, woulda been worse. Sarcasm is specifically used to mock or convey contempt. Would have had the opposite effect you intended.



This is basically the case. Since no one had mentioned anything about the subject in a couple of days, I thought that your statement was a quote from your table and you were playing the game, since the posts in this thread are strange statements out of context, so I posted in response not to "take a potshot" at you, but to build on what I thought was a comment of yours. After you made it clear it bothered you, I went back and deleted my post. I did not understand that you were actually commenting about the content of the thread itself.


That's fair. I had not noticed any deletion, but then I haven't gone looking. Sorry then; I presumed my being so blasé about it would convey that it was in the past, and would be acknowledged but not held on to. Tone in writing, however. Well, we all know that one.

[atemu1234]

"You got your sci-fi peanut butter in my fantasy chocolate!"

To a player who was angry about me backporting Androids from PF: Inner Sea Bestiary. And homebrewed timelords.

...and cyberman daleks...

[Eugoraton Feiht]

Have a funny cha-based dwarf rogue named Brund in my party. Here's some good lines:

"You don't want to know the things I can do with this beard."

Another funny one but needs some back story. The dwarf and the party have been given a quest by a Kobold tribe to kill a nearby Goblin tribe. However, after dealing with the goblins they realize they want to kill the kobolds too (Kobolds had some magic items). Brund has at this point, at level one, succesfully seduced the leader of the kobolds, a female kobold sorcerer. The plan is for them to travel back to the middle of kobold territory and fight from there.

Brund approaches the kobold leader, takes out a ring and gives it to her proclaiming his love. She in return asks what he would like in exchange.

"Your blood."

He manages to crit her and almost take her arm off then gets taken down by magic missile.

[Ferronach]

And homebrewed timelords.

...and cyberman daleks...

You just made my day :)
Please tell me that the cybermen and daleks were separate entities though!

[atemu1234]

You just made my day :)
Please tell me that the cybermen and daleks were separate entities though!

There were expies of both, and some things that were an amalgamation.

[Alagos]

I think the best I've heard so far is:

Me, last session: (in a half drunk scottish accent) "So, just to get this straight, I'm severely hungover, wavering about with an unconscious monkey scientist in one arm, a goblin in the other, a pig on my head, all whilst riding the hunter's pet tiger?"
DM nods. "Can i have another drink?"

The last campaign we ran,
Utterly blonde Sorcerer: So, the mayor is having a bad time?
DM: Yeap, but I dont think he wants anyone to console him right now. He's pretty pissed off.
Sorcerer: I try anyways! I'll go give him a hug.
DM: Make a grapple check. *rolls horribly* He backs up and slaps your hand away dismissibly.
Sorcerer: I slap him back!
DM: ...are you sure?
Sorcerer: Yeap! *rolls nat 20, confirms crit, max unarmed damage*
DM: So umm...you just critically slapped the mayor. *the rest of us silent, torn between disbelief, complete rage and laughing our asses off*
DM: So umm...the guards come in. They arent too happy at all.
Druid:I cast entangle!! RUUUUUN.

And thats how we ended up fugitives in a town which we could not escape. A civil war soon followed. It never went farther than that, but man its amazing what a nat20 can do lol.

[atemu1234]

I think the best I've heard so far is:

Me, last session: (in a half drunk scottish accent) "So, just to get this straight, I'm severely hungover, wavering about with an unconscious monkey scientist in one arm, a goblin in the other, a pig on my head, all whilst riding the hunter's pet tiger?"
DM nods. "Can i have another drink?"

The last campaign we ran,
Utterly blonde Sorcerer: So, the mayor is having a bad time?
DM: Yeap, but I dont think he wants anyone to console him right now. He's pretty pissed off.
Sorcerer: I try anyways! I'll go give him a hug.
DM: Make a grapple check. *rolls horribly* He backs up and slaps your hand away dismissibly.
Sorcerer: I slap him back!
DM: ...are you sure?
Sorcerer: Yeap! *rolls nat 20, confirms crit, max unarmed damage*
DM: So umm...you just critically slapped the mayor. *the rest of us silent, torn between disbelief, complete rage and laughing our asses off*
DM: So umm...the guards come in. They arent too happy at all.
Druid:I cast entangle!! RUUUUUN.

And thats how we ended up fugitives in a town which we could not escape. A civil war soon followed. It never went farther than that, but man its amazing what a nat20 can do lol.

What does the sorcerer being blonde have to do with anything?

[Inevitability]

What does the sorcerer being blonde have to do with anything?

'Blonde' has sort of a second meaning as 'stupid'. Urban Dictionary can explain it better than I will ever able to.

[LTwerewolf]

"Rub the elf's face on the wall to see if we find any trap doors."

Later the same session:

"I don't think I can, but I'm pretty sure my sack gnome can handle it."

[SiuiS]

'Blonde' has sort of a second meaning as 'stupid'. Urban Dictionary can explain it better than I will ever able to.

"Had". Blonde hasn't been used that way in my earshot in about ten years. Maybe longer. 'Til now of course.


To the necromancer: "you don't just leave stuff like that [a hidden skeleton guarding a cleared dungeon] lying around and expect it not to get destroyed! People see monsters, they don't need to have a reason. They don't need to ask if it belongs to someone. They kill those monsters and no one gets mad and everyone thanks them for it!"
To the half-Orc: "you know that applies to you, right? You're a monster."
To the necromancer: "Yes! And anyone who attacks me gets the monster to the face."
To the half-Orc: "I'm going to drop the issue because you made me laugh."

[chaos_redefined]

So, we had just fought a bunch of umber hulks, and found what looked to be a larger umber hulk in a hole. I was playing a warlock-style homebrew class.

Me: "Hey, the creatures we saw earlier only had a gaze attack as far as ranged combat was concerned, right?"
DM: "Yes, why?"
Me: "I stand at the edge of the hole, blindfold myself, and start shooting it."

[Marlowe]

Sounds a lot like an incident from my first 3.5 campaign.

Me [Playing a Sorceress]: OK, gang. That briefing we just received from [The High-Level NPC Wizard] was kind of really short on facts. And this is supposed to be a quest to avert multiplanar disaster. How about I do see if I can get more information out him personally?

Group: OK. Well, you're the only one here with any social skills or charisma.

Ranger: I'll watch and make sure [Newbie] you don't do anything stupid.

Me: I knock politely on the Wizard's door.

DM: He doesn't want to be disturbed. Will save. Failed? OK. You're a ferret.

Me: Pardon?

DM: You're now a ferret. It's a rodent.

Me: No, it isn't.

Group Ranger: OK. I come forward and ask what's happening.

DM: Will Save. Failed? OK. You're a ferret too.

Me: Wonderful. So we're both ferrets. [PAUSE] Wanna go hunt rats?

[Next morning. Baleful polymorph has worn off. NPC wizard gives us yet another short-on-facts briefing and tells us to go somewhere and do something.]

Me: I'm not sure if I'm comfortable following the orders of a man whose reaction to finding a beautiful woman at his door is turning her into a small furry animal.

DM: Will save. Failed? You're a ferret again.

Me: RIGHT. I'm running up his leg.

DM: Uh. He'll cast-[rolls a spellcraft check to cast as per his own houserules. Gets natural one]-nothing.

Group: Oooooooh!

Me: I bite him in the natchers! [rolls a 20]

Group: OOOOOOOH!

Me: Somebody's singing soprano.

[BWR]

PC (who has glowing red eyes, large canine teeth and oozes sulfurous smoke) comes running into a tavern in Barovia: "There are vampires out there!"

*the pleasure quarter of the city is on fire, several innocent bystanders are dead, along with the NPC with important infromation they were chasing*
GM: "Why did you do that?"
Player: "Did you see the damage roll [made despite the GM pointing out the probable consequences]? I couldn't waste that."

*in a game very loosely based on historical Japan*
NPC lord to PC: "What's this?" *knowing full well who it was*
PC: "It's Oda Nobunaga, lord."
Lord: "why did you bring him here?"
PC: "Um, he's attacking us, isn't he?"
Lord: "You idiot! Put him back where you found him."

[Banjoman42]

Before we got official miniatures, we had to use Monopoly-like figures.
Me: "Ok, Now we know where the kobold camp is, we should get moving."
Other player: "Alright, but before we go, I have one question."
Me: "Yes?"
Other Player: "Why are you a talking milk carton?"

[GreyBlack]

"Did you just drop him off a zeppelin?"

EDIT: Okay, that needs some context. Our party had recently acquired a Zeppelin and were flying to the next country when the veritable Dragons (as the trope) attacked us on flying mounts and such. I was playing a Duskblade, finding my niche to be battlefield control. As such, I noticed that one of the enemies was near the edge of the zeppelin. I charged, channeling Dimension Hop through the attack. I hit, forcing him to save or be forcibly moved. The DM looked at the save and all he could say was, "Did you just drop him off a zeppelin?"

[(Un)Inspired]

'Blonde' has sort of a second meaning as 'stupid'. Urban Dictionary can explain it better than I will ever able to.

That's pretty insulting.

[Venger]

"Did you just drop him off a zeppelin?"

EDIT: Okay, that needs some context. Our party had recently acquired a Zeppelin and were flying to the next country when the veritable Dragons (as the trope) attacked us on flying mounts and such. I was playing a Duskblade, finding my niche to be battlefield control. As such, I noticed that one of the enemies was near the edge of the zeppelin. I charged, channeling Dimension Hop through the attack. I hit, forcing him to save or be forcibly moved. The DM looked at the save and all he could say was, "Did you just drop him off a zeppelin?"

did he have a ticket? (http://i.imgur.com/4my6SfL.gif)

[Inevitability]

"Had". Blonde hasn't been used that way in my earshot in about ten years. Maybe longer. 'Til now of course.

Guess it differs between areas. I live in the Netherlands and hear it quite often.

[Suteinu]

I ran a group through, last year, and they picked-up a flesh golem as a servant, accidentally. The knight, to whom it seemed to attach itself, named it "Flesh Gordon."

EDIT: Ahem: That is, I was running them through White Plume Mountain. I mean, as GM, of course I was running them through, but ... well, you know what I mean ...

[Venger]

I ran a group through, last year, and they picked-up a flesh golem as a servant, accidentally. The knight, to whom it seemed to attach itself, named it "Flesh Gordon."

EDIT: Ahem: That is, I was running them through White Plume Mountain. I mean, as GM, of course I was running them through, but ... well, you know what I mean ...

AHH-AAAAAAAAAAAH! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MS4_Z84-rRE) That's fantastic.

[BWR]

AHH-AAAAAAAAAAAH! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MS4_Z84-rRE) That's fantastic.

For those fortunate souls who have hitherto remained ignorant, there was a cheap porno flick called "Flesh Gordon".

[Venger]

For those fortunate souls who have hitherto remained ignorant, there was a cheap porno flick called "Flesh Gordon".

well, I couldn't exactly link to that.

[atemu1234]

For those fortunate souls who have hitherto remained ignorant, there was a cheap porno flick called "Flesh Gordon".

And now you've ruined it.

[zeifly]

well, I couldn't exactly link to that.

yeah, shoot xD

Man, you guys have had some pretty funny sessions! I definitely got some good laughs out of this thread! This community is really great!

Never stop rolling!

-Z

[Ferronach]

Man, you guys have had some pretty funny sessions! I definitely got some good laughs out of this thread! This community is really great!

Never stop rolling!

-Z

Couldn't have said it better myself :)

Just thought of another one that happened in one of my sessions.
The rogue spent about an hour trying to find the entrance to this shiny black tower in the middle of nowhere. Eventually he gave up and the party decided to camp there for the night and see if anything showed up when it was dark.

I decided that after consuming much ale that my tiefling swashbuckler had to make a dash. He went around the other side of the tower (because it was still light out) and relieved himself against the tower.
DM: "You sure you want to do that?"
Me: "yup! And I want to write my name on the wall with it"
DM starts rolling a bunch of stuff and muttering to himself.
DM: "I don't know how but you suffer no damage from any of the spells protecting the tower. And I really don't believe it but... well... as you were writing your name you noticed that your urine found a minute seam in the tower."
Me: "DO i have enough left in the tank to spray around a bit and see if there is a parrallel seam a few feet to the other side?" - rolled an affirmative on my D%
DM: *facepalms* ooc: "you must have sat on a horseshoe today.... " in game: "you have successfully found the door by peeing on the tower..."
The barbarian chanted "his wee is da key!!!" when he found out.

[WeaselGuy]

Me: Okay, I'm going to take a charging leap off the ceiling to try and tackle the Sorceress in the back.
DM: What?
Me: Yeah, since my mount has a climb speed, I can charge across the cavern ceiling, avoiding the pit and the drawbridge in the middle of the room.
DM: ...
Me: So, +2 to attack for charging, -2 to AC, + falling damage for... How high did you say this room was? 30 feet? that's what, 2d6 per 10 feet of drop, so 6d6...
DM: Wait, are you still mounted on him? You take damage too!
Me: That's fine, Ride check to do Leap from the Saddle, now I do charging damage as well with my lance. Oh, your Sorceress needs to make a grapple check, my weasel is going to do his Bite, with the Attach ability. If she's still alive next turn, she's taking Con damage from Blood Drain.
DM: **** it, she's dead, you find a masterwork dagger, a necklace of natural armor +1, and the key to the drawbridge winch to let the party across. Your weasel is getting the nerfbat next session.

[Pyon]

Me: Okay, I'm going to take a charging leap off the ceiling to try and tackle the Sorceress in the back.
DM: What?
Me: Yeah, since my mount has a climb speed, I can charge across the cavern ceiling, avoiding the pit and the drawbridge in the middle of the room.
DM: ...
Me: So, +2 to attack for charging, -2 to AC, + falling damage for... How high did you say this room was? 30 feet? that's what, 2d6 per 10 feet of drop, so 6d6...
DM: Wait, are you still mounted on him? You take damage too!
Me: That's fine, Ride check to do Leap from the Saddle, now I do charging damage as well with my lance. Oh, your Sorceress needs to make a grapple check, my weasel is going to do his Bite, with the Attach ability. If she's still alive next turn, she's taking Con damage from Blood Drain.
DM: **** it, she's dead, you find a masterwork dagger, a necklace of natural armor +1, and the key to the drawbridge winch to let the party across. Your weasel is getting the nerfbat next session.

No don't nerf Weaselguy's Weasel! Did it actually get nerfed and how bad?

[Snowbluff]

No don't nerf Weaselguy's Weasel! Did it actually get nerfed and how bad?

Regardless of what happened, I welcome Weaselguy's Weasel into our little community.

[WeaselGuy]

No don't nerf Weaselguy's Weasel! Did it actually get nerfed and how bad?
It wasn't in the next session, but recently our wilder/diabolist put a suggestion in my head, making me want to jump off a really high tower without any form of slowfall... the weasel is still around, it's the group's pack animal until it can level up and become large, at which point our sorceress wants to turn it into her own mount.

[WeaselGuy]

Regardless of what happened, I welcome Weaselguy's Weasel into our little community.

Daww... when I get home, can I Sig that? Also, now I need an avatar of a kobold lancer leaping off a dire weasel... poor Qit-Qat, may he rest in peace. And by rest in peace, I mean serve at Tiamat's side in her hellish realm.

[SiuiS]

"Be right back. I need to bathe my weasel. My familiar, I need to bathe him, you sicko."

"I'm the sicko, Tomas? You're the one bathing your weasel in the public bath."


Guess it differs between areas. I live in the Netherlands and hear it quite often.

Huh. I thought it was an Americanism, honestly. That's interesting. Perhaps it was and is spreading? Would explain why it's not common here but is there.

[Snowbluff]

Daww... when I get home, can I Sig that? Also, now I need an avatar of a kobold lancer leaping off a dire weasel... poor Qit-Qat, may he rest in peace. And by rest in peace, I mean serve at Tiamat's side in her hellish realm. You may.

Also, Qit-Qat is the best kobold name.


"Be right back. I need to bathe my weasel. My familiar, I need to bathe him, you sicko."

"I'm the sicko, Tomas? You're the one bathing your weasel in the public bath."


During one of my online games with my Wizard//Rogue Seraciel, discussing my rat familiar and improve familiar. "Give Larry the ability to speak? I don't want him talking. We've done things."

[Ferronach]

It wasn't in the next session, but recently our wilder/diabolist put a suggestion in my head, making me want to jump off a really high tower without any form of slowfall... the weasel is still around, it's the group's pack animal until it can level up and become large, at which point our sorceress wants to turn it into her own mount.

That is awesome! Does the weasel have a name too?

[WeaselGuy]

That is awesome! Does the weasel have a name too?
Yeah, shortly after that, I came into possession of a set of Horseshoes of Flame, and reworked them into anklets for the weasel to wear. She was henceforth gone by the name of Sikorskey, of the Blackhawk Dire Weasel Den.

[Tindragon]

Party Rogue:
" I dive off the cliff into the gold, you know, like Scrooge McDuck!"




After killing a "large black dragon" in it's lair, where it was sleeping on it's treasure....

Needless to say, gold is not soft, and about 4K total coins, doesn't exactly pad anything, let alone the stone floor of a muddy cavern.

He survived, the 40' dive, but was unconscious till the cleric could heal him the next day.

[Venger]

Party Rogue:
" I dive off the cliff into the gold, you know, like Scrooge McDuck!"




After killing a "large black dragon" in it's lair, where it was sleeping on it's treasure....

Needless to say, gold is not soft, and about 4K total coins, doesn't exactly pad anything, let alone the stone floor of a muddy cavern.

He survived, the 40' dive, but was unconscious till the cleric could heal him the next day.

falling damage is a pain (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqqfGXrX__8)

[Sith_Happens]

And forums aren't really time magic as threads do expire. :smalltongue:

Only by decree; you would be surprised by the foul acts of thread necromancy that many other forums allow.:smalltongue:


And now you've ruined it.

Maybe, without that explanation I would probably have gone the rest of my life thinking it was just a punny Flash Gordon reference (which the original porno title probably was).


Also, Qit-Qat is the best kobold name.

Seconded.

[Blackhawk748]

Me (in a thick scottish accent): "This is a tactically untenable situation. We're surrounded, outnumbered three to one, and i dont have my mule!"

Context: I was a (then) lvl 3 Dwarven Knight in our ongoing E6 game and we were attacked by 7 or 8 ghouls, and i had accidentally counted the Sorcerers Zombies with the ghouls (we had a bunch of minis on the table) so i thought we were under attack by 12 ghouls. Oh and my Mule is War Trained and i use it for mounted combat.

Me: *singing the James bond theme song by basically saying "do" to the beat in a smeagol voice while swinging through the trees on a rod of ropes while being chased by several worg riders*

That was Krang the Insane Director. He was a Goblin Rogue/Ranger/Trapsmith who had a "script" that let him know what was going on in the scene, and when anything happened he didint like he would yell about working with Improv Amateur Actors. Which leads me to....

"You forgot to protect your KNEECAPS!!!!!"

Goblin Barbarian who wields a Large Greataxe (Monkey Grip+Strongarm Bracers) and nails people in their knees.