View Full Version : What would your character do?

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2016-07-27, 02:54 AM
Magic you say?


(no situation, this seems like a major copout to me)

Grand Arbiter
2016-07-29, 06:48 PM
Antimagic you say? :smallamused:
Vraxus is an Evolutionist* with fast healing 20, DR/magic and adamantine**, and one mean combat routine. He is not trapped in the dungeon with the inquisition, they are trapped in there with him.:smallcool:

*homebrew class
**guess what doesn't work in antimagic fields...

The local branch of the inquisition was just wiped out by a monstrous being that has made its seemingly impervious self at home in the antimagic dungeon. The inquisition has sent a force in an attempt to eradicate the threat. What do you do?

2016-07-29, 11:40 PM
I join them. They were obviously right in this situation. I'll get a Smite Evil and dispel magic ready.

A Paladin is about to use Smite Evil on a warlock who just wiped out a bunch of inquisitors.

2016-07-29, 11:48 PM
*Meteor Swarm*

- - - Updated - - -

Also, an orphanage is having a car wash, but the automobile has not been invented yet.

Black Socks
2016-08-01, 03:21 PM
I convince them to have a baked-goods sale instead, then buy all the brownies. K'veni the halfling sorcerer has a sweet tooth!

You are at the concert of a wildly popular band. After the concert is over, you are walking home when you see the lead singer and the other members. The lead singer snaps their fingers and the other members disappear- they're all illusions! What do you do?

Grand Arbiter
2016-08-01, 05:27 PM
Hror shrugs and keeps on walking. If they want to use illusion magic to make their music, they can go on ahead. They'll be found out when the king's diviner attends next week.

You are summoned by a fiend to perform party tricks at an abyssal gala.

2016-08-01, 11:27 PM
I draw my sword and get ready to Smite a lot of evil. This may be my last fight, but t there is no way I'm performing party tricks.

2016-08-02, 08:36 PM

Oh dear, You seem to have been plane shifted to Abaddon. It seems that by some form of extremely bad luck, you were placed in front of Charon, Daemon Horseman of Death. They appear to be rather hungry. At least, hungry for something other than traditional fare. What do you do?

2016-08-03, 09:39 AM
Chess for my soul?

You are stuck in a drow-owned prison, which may or may not contain or be guarded by Xihirli.

2016-08-03, 03:47 PM
I knock out a guard (unarmed bonuses ftw), don his armor and walk out with the other guards during change of shift, trying to blend in with the guards as much as possible.
Of course this relies on the premise that Xihirili won't meteor swarm his own guards, which sounds more and more shaky each time I think about it.

You find yourself accosted by a pikachu, despite there being no hints that pokémon exist in your world.

2016-08-03, 11:29 PM
I throw food at it and see what happens.

I'm not going to post a situation due to my response not being that good.

Black Socks
2016-08-04, 06:56 PM
Man, you paladins hold yourself to some pretty high standards! Not being able to throw food at Pikachus....

You find a UFO crash-landed on the ground. (DC 35 Int. check to try to fly it, just so you know.)

2016-08-17, 09:59 PM
Hamber, the Orc Barbarian, tries to fly it anyways. Does a -3 make?

Whoops! Dropped the key in the ocean. Better go get it!

2016-08-29, 12:46 PM
I jump in. What could possibly go wrong?

Everyone is Waluigi.

2016-08-29, 02:08 PM
As part of everyone, my character is already Waluigi. Waluigi sees no problem. Carry on.

Oh no! The Demogorgon appeared and ate the party wizard! Whatever shall you do? Bonus points if your character is the party wizard.

2016-08-29, 03:07 PM
:smalleek:Hope that my teammates find a way to bring me back.:smallsigh:

You get the offer to buy a dungeon for a legendary low price.
It needs a bit work to bring it back to reasonable working/living conditions, but it comes with a selection of minions who are willing to work for you and your (or rather the owner overlord’s) quarters are quite comfortable.
What will you do?

2016-08-29, 03:31 PM
I snatch that right up before anyone else can. Get a couple interior decorators in and spruce it up. How will it go? Find out later in the show. (homes under the hammer theme song plays)

You're bankrupt. What's the first thing you sell?

2016-08-29, 09:01 PM
My immortal soul.

You've just sold your immortal soul. How will you fix this? I need advice

Grand Arbiter
2016-08-30, 11:38 AM
Since when did robots/droids/constructs/etc. have souls? TD-109 believes that who/whatever fell for such a prank must be either gullible, stupid, or both.

You are an Abyssal Lord who just found out that they didn't acquire a soul in their last transaction, and the grantee got a few free wishes out of the deal. What will you do?

5a Violista
2016-08-31, 05:09 AM
My character first tries to remember how she became an Abyssal Lord. She spends a while trying to figure out everything, including how she managed to grant wishes and not only why she's owed a soul, but what she has done with previous souls that she's gotten. She spends only a brief moment confused, however, as the rest of the time turns into a madcap adventure trying to piece together exactly what happened and how she got into this mess.

You arrive at an organization you used to belong to (in fact, you were the leader!) The current leader thinks you're a traitor (and...if you look at it a certain way, you kind-of are, but that's a longer story), but nobody else does (some even still treat you as the leader) and so the current leader doesn't really do anything about it other than ineffectively tell other members that you're not allowed to enter whenever you're not around.

2016-09-01, 12:16 AM
I show them that I am still an official paladin. That should clear things up. If not, the leader must be an imposter, and therefore I must smite evil.

You get kicked out of a temple you've been trying to enter.

2016-09-04, 06:20 PM
I fail all of my bluff checks to convince them I'm actually the high priest of the temple. I am arrested for heresy and promptly executed the next morning.

Since my scenario was too vague last time, let me clarify.

Everyone BUT YOU is Waluigi.

2016-09-04, 06:30 PM
I try to cope with no longer being Waluigi. Why did I change identities all of sudden? I wish I was Waluigi again. (my group plays some really weird games...)

You get a ring of three wishes with one wish left.

2016-09-05, 03:35 AM
I wish for more wishes

I wish for moneys. Specifically, a bar of gold of the value and mass of 25000gp. At 50 coins per imperial pound, that makes 9.07 grams per gold piece, which means a total of 226.8 kilograms of gold. At current prices, this nets me US$9 679 660.

And 75 cents.

Not going to put a scenario since I want to see what others think.

2016-09-05, 09:19 PM
I stab the Vampire with a holy sword after casting Smite Evil and smash a vial of holy water over his head.

You just witness a paladin overkill a vampire.

Grand Arbiter
2016-09-06, 07:02 AM
Caldias just looks down through the ceiling. That foolish paladin had dared to infiltrate his domain? Smite his servitors? He will pay dearly.

He descend into the paladin's view.
There is a reason that I am called "The Wraith King" in these parts. When I am done with you, you will know why.

You have been turned into a vampire. The powerful undead that spawned you is probably now far away. What do you do?

EDIT: @V: Technically you're not spawn per se, more accurately animated as a vampire after getting your arse handed to you by an epic-level dread wraith sorcerer. Why it chose not to command you is anybody's guess.

2016-09-06, 08:05 AM
Assuming I'm not an OOTS vampire, I try to find a cure (or a willing level 13 cleric) as soon as possible. If I am an OOTS vampire, I trust in my allies to stake the thing driving me like an undead stagecoach. I made sure beforehand to figure out how exactly vampires work, so they'll know whether to trust me.

EDIT: Though if I'm his/her spawn, then how do I still have free will?

While you are travelling... random dragon attack!

2016-09-06, 10:33 AM
I run for the hills, while shouting "I'M ONLY A LEVEL 5 RANGER AND LEVEL 2 BARD!"

Demon flower. 'Nuff said. (http://undertale.wikia.com/wiki/Flowey)

2016-09-06, 09:21 PM
Every full caster has a fire spell. Nuff said.

You are surrounded by hordes of ravening undead.

2016-09-07, 02:05 AM
I could smite evil and turn undead, but that wouldn't be as fun as testing out my new super shotgun and BFG.

You see a paladin use the same methods of killing the undead and creatures from the infernal planes as Doomguy.

Black Socks
2016-09-07, 02:59 PM
I grab some popcorn and a banner that says GO PALADIN, then sit back and enjoy the show.

Your world, previously a pretty standard high fantasy place, suddenly becomes a steampunk/horror/wuxia setting. In other words: Chaos.

2016-09-07, 08:43 PM
What do you need to do to convince dakka-wielding orks to slay stuff for you again? I need some supplements for my army of undead.

You are caught in a war between the orcs and undead, the humans, the other normal goody races, the underdark, and any other applicable factions.

2016-09-08, 12:53 AM
I sacrifice Spore Frog to prevent all combat damage that would be dealt this turn, then tap all dat green mana I got to -

Oh, wrong character.

You wake up after a good night's rest to find yourself standing over a corpse whose face you don't recognize. You're holding a bloody knife. What do you do?

Grand Arbiter
2016-09-08, 07:02 AM
Well of course Daegar doesn't recognize the face. He stabbed the person there to kill them. As for the knife, he didn't use it to kill the guy, he used his short sword. Items that weep blood are probably cursed/evil, so he'll just leave that here with the corpse and make his way to the next town.

You are a necromancer and are plotting to kill the dracolich in the next tomb over. What will you do?

2016-09-10, 11:56 PM
Easy. I send over a very large jar of pickled pixies that have stewed in Cure Serious Wounds potions for the past two months. The Dracolich notices something odd about them, but they are so yummy, he can't stop himself from eating the whole jar. The next morning, the Dracolich is dust, and the tomb is mine! Of course, only after I find and destroy the phylactery. But how hard could that be, right?

((Of course, this is assuming that Dracolich's are affected by Curative Spells, being undead and all. And it is also going against my very nature to sacrifice my fellow pixies to such a horrible fate as to be snack-food for a dracolich. But then, I'm trying to think like a Necromancer, not a pixie.))

You are a pixie warrior of the Amazon Pixie clan. Your Queen has sent you to search for the cause of a number of recent disappearances of her loyal subjects.

((Quick Note: Amazon Pixies recently have developed into a gender friendly society, and no longer treat their male counter-parts as second-class citizens. :smallsmile: And never have they mutilated themselves for any stupid reasons.))

Black Socks
2016-09-11, 07:02 AM
I gather a ragtag bunch of misfits with humorously conflicting personality who eventually learn the true meaning of friendship. We can't lose!

You are a monk. Your community leader has told you to go and seek enlightenment, and not to come back until you've found it. What do you do?

2016-09-11, 08:31 AM
Buy a torch.
Come back.
"Where's your enlightenment?"
Shine it in his face.
"Well that's what I thought enlighten meant!"

Warning! Pokémon Go should not be played while in hyperdrive!

2016-09-11, 09:53 AM
"I'm a passenger" ok where do I turn left, again?

You need to kill a lich, but it doesn't seem to have a phylactery. It just keeps coming back.

2016-09-12, 07:10 AM
This is the fake lich from Tomb of Horrors. I run out of the room before I am utterly wiped out.

You are trapped in the Tomb of Horrors.

2016-09-12, 07:38 AM
I've read the module, I know how to get through. And out.

You've fallen down a huge pit which does not appear to have a bottom. You see black, black, and more black.

2016-09-12, 06:38 PM
Afer roughly a minute of screaming, i decide to question why the hell i am still alive. And falling. Am i falling intro a plothole?

You meet yourself from the past, doing a dramatic mistake you know it will not end well.

2016-09-13, 02:55 AM
I turn away and hope the world doesn't explode. Then I wonder why is there a copy of me.

Reality itself is being warped due to meeting your past self.

2016-09-15, 03:56 PM
Reality met my past self? That would explain why it's shifting. In the past, I was more chaotic than I am now. Just looking into my face drove people mad. MAD.
So reality itself has gone nuts.
I should be at home here.

You now have an extra limb.
No, not that one.

2016-09-15, 06:49 PM
You now have an extra limb.
No, not that one.

Luckily, I am a treant! Now I'm just prettier.

"You are at the end of a hallway, before you are two doors.
One leads to your imminent doom, the other will lead to riches beyond your imagination."

2016-09-16, 11:30 AM
I ask them which one leads to the treasure. I look inside, but don't go in. If it turns out they were lying, I shove them in through that door and go through the other door.

You wake up on a space station. You have no idea how you got there, and why they're saying it's the year 2085 when you clearly remember it being 1430 the day before.

2016-09-17, 12:02 AM
I search around for anything familiar, and hopefully a paladin's order still exists to fall into the ranks of. If not, time to join this future equivalent.

You are being hunted down by the space paladins.

Grand Arbiter
2016-09-17, 08:02 AM
These paladins must have some +5 Holy Cajones if they're coming after me.

Successfully attacking a Zerg commander in their stronghold is no small feat. After my forces kill them all (protection from disease would probably prevent infestation), I'll find out where they came from and make sure their order is extinct.

Your world is under attack by Zerg, there are no Protoss in your universe, and you are in charge of planetary defense. What do you do?

Black Socks
2016-09-17, 08:09 AM
"You are at the end of a hallway, before you are two doors.
One leads to your imminent doom, the other will lead to riches beyond your imagination."
I blow a hole through the wall in between the doors. #Takeathirdoption

Your world is under attack by Zerg, there are no Protoss in your universe, and you are in charge of planetary defense. What do you do?
I join the Zerg, throwing my planet under the bus in exchange for saving my own skin. Taneshi the TN fighter does whatever it takes to survive. Dunno how he got to be in charge of planetary defense, though.

You wake up in a room. There is nothing, useful or otherwise, in the room with you.

2016-09-18, 11:19 PM
I leave the room, but after leaving, check why I was in the room. Who knows, maybe I'll find out something really cool.

The bomb has been planted.

2016-09-19, 07:05 AM
Good work.

A bomb just went off inside your building.

2016-09-26, 12:55 PM
Panic and hope the other party members know what to do.


2016-09-27, 07:50 AM
I use my various magicks to distract the Waluigis while I search for the cause of the wapocalypse. First step: find Wario. (Or, if he is also Waluigi, then the real Waluigi.)

You are a spirit, ejected from your body by a dapper demonic illuminati reference. He plans to use your body for eeeeeevil.

Grand Arbiter
2016-09-27, 11:12 AM
Jirhara is a spirit shaman, and is thus somewhat used to having her spirit projected out of her body.
Having been caught off-guard while preparing spells, she'll just have to go call in that favor a certain solar owes her.....

Your marching from plot point A to plot point B, and you encounter your opposite/nemesis. What do you do?

2016-09-28, 11:31 PM
I challenge him to a duel. It is the duty of a paladin to do battle with evil.

You have a choice between fighting 100 wolf sized dragons or 1 dragon sized wolf.

2016-09-29, 05:07 AM
I choose C) All of the above.
Can't pass the chance to raise a few new cool minions.
Even if it costs me most of my horde I have a new one afterwards.
And trading regular zombies for a army of undead dragons and a epic (zombie) wolf mount is so worth it.

You wake up on a infinite featureless plane with no idea how you got there.

2016-09-29, 05:13 AM
You have a choice between fighting 100 wolf sized dragons or 1 dragon sized wolf.

Dragon sized wolf, I would expect it to collapse under its own weight. If it doesn't it's still a very large target with no natural armor.

You find that some of your crew have set up an illegal still in one of the emergency cryogenic tubes.

Black Socks
2016-09-30, 05:59 AM
Kalinesh the LE eldritch knight wants a cut of the profits.

After a long journey across the land to collect the powerful artifacts, the hero faced off against the villain....
and lost. Now, as he lies, defeated, weaponless and unarmoured, the villain say "I'll let him go if you marry me (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AndNowYouMustMarryMe)."
You are the attractive captive to which the villain made the offer. What do you do?

Grand Arbiter
2016-09-30, 05:33 PM
To Kantaki's scenario:
A bare featureless plane? Infinite, you say?
*cracks knuckles*
Time to test the limits of my creativity.

to Black Socks's scenario:
You think that twit was supposed to whoop your arse? I just had the fool go and get my stuff so it's within range to teleport it to my person. Why he thought he could deal with you is anyone's guess. ..
Now how's about we go through our initial interaction again, except this time I'll start... *WHAM!*

The local lord/lady was just launched through the 20ft. thick stone wall of their keep. (gods know how they're still alive...)
What do you do?

2016-09-30, 05:40 PM
Follow them through the hole and keep pounding them. They obviously had some sort of eldritch protection, and, as a witch/warlock, need to be killed.

You are in the middle of a crowd with your best friend when he starts acting like a chicken. People are laughing at him, and by extension you.

2016-09-30, 06:26 PM
They do what?:smallfurious:
Clearly I have to show them how grave a mistake this was.
In their next life they will know better.:smallamused:

A order of paladins thinks you might be the reincarnation of a great evil that once threatened to destroy the world as we know it.
Now they want to stop you before you can follow „your”- or rather said evil’s -footsteps.

Grand Arbiter
2016-11-15, 12:28 PM
Might be?
Do those dim-witted fools think I would be able to take up the Staff of a Thousand Terrors if I wasn't Thrakos the Terrible returned from beyond the grave?

Since they are paladins, and thus immune to fear, I suppose I shall need to use... alternate... means of showing them the error of their ways.

You wish to bring an electronic construct back from a non-functional state, what do you do?

2016-11-16, 08:07 PM
Jumper cables and a car battery. Plain and simple

You meet your doppelganger.

2016-11-16, 08:12 PM
Together, we I can do twice as much!

You anger a god. What did you do?

Saint Jimmy
2016-11-16, 09:39 PM
Vladimir Hellsinger the monster hunter (trained by Van Helsing) probably pumped the wrong servant of some crazy monster god full of too many crossbow bolts...

You come across a merchant and his sons fighting for their lives against a pack of gnolls. You spell caster ends the fight by launching a fireball that kills the gnolls, and just happens to catch one of the sons in the blast and leaves him unconscious, dying, and permanently disfigured. Thinking there is no hope for his son, the merchant confronts you, as you are the leader of the party, shouting about how you all should hang. What do you do?

*this happened to my party... As the warlord and commander, I decided that I was not going to die for the druid's actions, and knocked the man out. I then forced the Druid to summon a giant frog to carry the unconscious man and his son to the nearest temple, as I did CPR on top of it... Yeah, I had some weird campaigns in fifth grade...:smalleek:

2016-11-16, 10:04 PM
*Meteor Swarm*

Your alignment has been stolen. You are now true neutral. The person who asked your alignment has used it to make sandwiches.

2016-11-17, 08:51 AM
Aldia the dark shrugs, as he was already true neutral.

A party of unrepentant munchkins tries to murder you and claim your lewt. Your response?

2016-11-17, 09:12 AM
Poetry them to death, the same as any other foe. Bards are awesome.

Your entire party died during the night except you.

2016-11-22, 06:12 PM
Poetry them to death, the same as any other foe. Bards are awesome.

Your entire party died during the night except you.

I drag myself and my sorry carcass to the nearest watering hole to find a new party, then track down the drek who killed them and challenge them to an honourable duel. At which point I will poison each and every one of the participants with LSD and Smack.

You have been poisoned by LSD and Smack

2016-11-27, 11:38 PM
I drag myself and my sorry carcass to the nearest watering hole to find a new party, then track down the drek who killed them and challenge them to an honourable duel. At which point I will poison each and every one of the participants with LSD and Smack.

You have been poisoned by LSD and Smack

I look for something to flush out the drugs, but that may be extremely difficult since I'm probably on one crazy drug trip.

You encounter Uncle Samsonite
WARNING: The video I am referencing is not for the faint of heart. Look this up at your own risk.

Grand Arbiter
2016-11-30, 09:21 AM
I wonder who hacked my version of Starcraft II Legacy of the Void, and begin to plot a terrible vengeance.

You are held prisoner in a locked room. What do you do?

2016-11-30, 09:24 AM
Cry myself to sleep and wait for the party to rescue me.

You win a million gold pieces (or credits or dollars or whatever the basic monetary currency is in your game). What's the first thing you buy?

2016-12-11, 06:06 PM
A ten-foot pole.
TWO ten-foot poles.

You have been sued for malpractice, but you are not a doctor. That matters less than you'd imagine as the drow lawyers attack.

2016-12-11, 06:15 PM
Pazuzu, Pazuzu, Pazuzu.

The aforementioned deity has been summoned to destroy the world.

2016-12-11, 09:51 PM
Pray and get a deity of righteousness and justice to protect the world.

You are in the middle of a battle between the two aforementioned gods.

2016-12-12, 08:48 AM
Aldia casts resilient sphere and takes notes on their godly powers.

You are being charged by a massive herd of buffalo.

2016-12-12, 09:16 AM
Yodel, swing onto the back (a la Legolas in the Two Towers movie) of the leader, and ride down my enemies in style.

You are sitting at home, enjoying a quiet cup of coffee (or tea, at your choice)

Grand Arbiter
2016-12-12, 12:09 PM
I would coax my family's cat into my lap and relax whilst petting him.

You are relaxing at home with a cat in your lap, and then one of your family members drops something and scares the cat out of your lap. He used his claws and took off at ≥10mph. What do you do?

2016-12-13, 11:32 PM
I knew it was a good idea to wear plate armor outside of combat. But I chase it with longsword drawn and all for scuffing my armor.

An angry paladin is chasing a cat.

2016-12-15, 11:04 PM
My (in my sig) elf cleric casts Command ("STOP!"), then asks the two (well, the paladin) what is wrong.

You and your party are sitting around a campfire roasting marshmallows (or equivalent). Suddenly, your closest friend in the party makes a choking sound, and looking over, you see a bloody sword protruding from their chest. A black-haired, beautiful warrior steps out of the darkness and says, "Justice has been done."

2016-12-15, 11:09 PM
Pretend to be angry, but not actually care very much. Perhaps 'misplace' a gold piece or two. My party (IC, OOC they're great) is a bag of jerks.

Your party is complicit your own attempted assassination. It in unclear whether or not they were compelled, but evidence suggests that they were not.

2016-12-18, 12:10 PM
I just let them do their thing with the tiefling wizard. That guy is nuts. I make sure they know the paladin did nothing of the sort, however. And the thief is just gonna escape in two seconds anyway.

Your fortress/castle/wizard tower/whatever is being attacked by enemy forces. How do you defend it?

2016-12-18, 12:14 PM
I just let them do their thing with the tiefling wizard. That guy is nuts. I make sure they know the paladin did nothing of the sort, however. And the thief is just gonna escape in two seconds anyway.

I meant that your party tried to assassinate you. Sorry for the vagueness.

Also, you forgot to pose a situation.

2016-12-18, 12:37 PM
Your fortress/castle/wizard tower/whatever is being attacked by enemy forces. How do you defend it?

*Meteor Swarm*

You are on a train. If you reroute the train you will cure cancer. If you remain on course you will run into a cruel dictator who has killed millions. What do you do?

2016-12-18, 07:07 PM
Reroute the train

And then chuck a grenade at the dictator.

The same train is going to a set of tracks. If you keep going, the train will explode, if you stop, the train will explode, and if you reroute, the train will explode.

2016-12-18, 07:11 PM
Jump off. It's cleaner that way.

Oh no! You've accidentally entered The Tomb of Horrors, and you're magically bonded to die if you try to abandon your quest!

2016-12-19, 08:32 PM
I've read the module. And I can still cast the sending spell to get my cannon fodder party members.

You fall down a bottomless pit. Like, seriously bottomless. More bottomless than that.

2016-12-21, 06:40 AM
I'm going to prove it's not bottomless.
They called me crazy. I'LL SHOW THEM ALL.
Told you!

You are sent to the bowels of accounting.

2016-12-23, 12:43 AM
I escape with a pencil, a calculator, a roll of duct tape, a cellphone, and 4000 pounds of C4.

You encounter your own ghost.

2016-12-25, 04:56 PM
I compliment the ghost on looking SO damn sexy!

You encounter your own mother-in-law.

2016-12-27, 10:54 PM

Very very fast

You are Brian Boitano

Grand Arbiter
2016-12-28, 12:08 PM
Of course I am the very real, original, Brian Boitano and absolutely not a shapeshifting alien in disguise. Now what is this "ice skating" you people keep talking about?

A mysterious device identified by its label as a vending machine appears outside the front door of your castle. What do you do?

2016-12-29, 11:28 AM
I bring it in of course! What kind of evil overlord would I be if I didn't?

You have been accosted by a polypous. http://echobazaar.wdfiles.com/local--files/art/rubberyman.png

2016-12-29, 11:43 AM

You awaken to find that you have swapped bodies with a family member who is half of a buddy cop team. In this Freaky Friday / Buddy Cop mashup, you are part of both pairs of deuteragonists.

2016-12-29, 01:27 PM
I break the 4th wall and address the camera that season 14 of supernatural is pulling out all the stops.

While casually enjoying an evening in your pan dimensional chiller lounge, you hear through the wisps of time and space a gang of children shouting forth the audible components of your summoning spell.... 'Hey Koolaid!"

2016-12-30, 06:53 AM
I ignore the children. It always seemed to work for my father.

Your chilling at home with a couple of bros, when your gay friend suggest you all go to "this great bar he found last night."

2016-12-31, 11:09 PM
I ignore the children. It always seemed to work for my father.

Your chilling at home with a couple of bros, when your gay friend suggest you all go to "this great bar he found last night."

My fish-out-of-water mercenary Gnoll refuses to go because 1. his trouble aspect doesn't read "Dipsomaniac" and 2. he can't speak Common. This is a perfect opportunity to get some mundane rolls out of the way for a bit of side cash.

You're evading religious fanatics by laying low on a fairly sizeable asteroid when your party happens upon a crashed spaceship full of cryogenic-ally frozen space travelers, technology from an era before the Total Censorship. Several of their pods are miraculously still functioning. Will you do the classic "opposite of implied" or..?

2016-12-31, 11:18 PM
I ask them to tell me everything, then start a free speech campaign. It'll be like Shimoneta, but hopefully with less love nectar.

You are a part of the Israeli Defense Forces in the CS:GO map Dust II

Grand Arbiter
2017-01-01, 10:09 PM
I'll put my battlecruiser in park and walk up to a high official-looking person and ask for directions, as I am clearly in the wrong game.
"Excuse me, I seem to have taken a wrong link at the game server. Any idea which way it is to Aiur in Starcraft2?"

Someone gave you directions to not only the wrong planet for your starship, but landed you in the wrong game world. What do you do?

2017-01-01, 10:18 PM
My Sorcadin looks around, shrugs, and then decides to civilize the nearest group of savages.

Suddenly, three fire elementals appear with 10 feet of you and attack!

2017-01-02, 08:52 AM
Cone of cold.

You realize that the dungeon you are in is a really, really big golem. And it's waking up.

2017-01-04, 11:03 PM
I begin praying to Pelor for salvation.

You are faced with a choice: Fight a Phane in single combat and allow your party to escape or have all the rest of your party die but you live.

2017-01-05, 08:30 AM
My level 2 bard accepts fighting the Phane single-handedly. I then make a bardic knowledge check to work out how much XP I'll get when I kick its incorporeal ass.

12 kittens start following you everywhere.

2017-01-07, 02:01 AM

An orphan baby is left at your doorstep.

The Real Deal
2017-01-07, 05:07 AM
I **** the **** out of it and then I eat it while it screams LOL LOL LOL

Okay I got 1. The Real Deal goes on a forum 4 ******* nerds and calls Xi-hit-me-from-behind-hirli, Isuckeagledick, and The_Iron_Dildo little ******s who like to roll dice and touch themselves. Wat da **** you GONNA do bout it?!?

2017-01-07, 05:21 AM
Okay I got 1. The Real Deal goes on a forum 4 ******* nerds and calls Xi-hit-me-from-behind-hirli, Isuckeagledick, and The_Iron_Dildo little ******s who like to roll dice and touch themselves. Wat da **** you GONNA do bout it?!?

My level 2 Bard chuckles to himself, then exclaims to the person next to him: "Someone is sexually frustrated, and obviously doesn't know how to spell Ieagleroar!":smallbiggrin:

You are exploring a cave. You've reached its lowest level, which is protected by a anti-magic field, when suddenly it's starts caving in.

2017-01-07, 12:37 PM
Hmm... Antimagic field... at the bottom of a cave... with a cave in...
It's an illusion. Obviously.

2017-01-09, 08:51 AM
...your scenario?

2017-01-09, 09:12 AM

You're sure it's an illusion, but the rest of the party is running like hell runneth behind them.

2017-01-10, 11:14 AM
I will execute them all as an example to the others.

The illusion is still alive!
Meanwhile, you're on a road heading toward a bridge that is out.

2017-01-11, 10:13 PM
Dispel Magic

What, you thought paladins couldn't do that? It's all there in the manual.

You are being hunted down by both the antagonist and main character of the last video game you played...

...that's not Tetris.

2017-01-11, 10:29 PM
Dispel Magic

What, you thought paladins couldn't do that? It's all there in the manual.

You are being hunted down by both the antagonist and main character of the last video game you played...

...that's not Tetris.

The last game I played... Rubik's World? Who even is the main character in that game?

Trapped in a room without food or water. You've used all of your spells and can't rest to recover them. There is a door, but leaving means certain death.

2017-01-12, 10:02 PM
Is this your way of asking permission to kill me? Don't worry, it's fine. If the rest of the group isn't interested in springing me, I should probably make a new character anyway.

The Villain: an obsessive lunatic bent on creating no-win scenarios for people with Paladin codes. The Challenge: he explodes a crowded orphanage unless you slay the enclosed tied-up hostage. You: not necessarily a paladin, but The Villain doesn't know that. Any ideas?

2017-01-13, 10:21 AM
Solaris the dragonhearted (paladin/sorcerer) incinerates the villain with a fire spell, should he be anywhere near the hostage. If not, then that's what the Raise Dead spell is for. Ask hostage where villain is, stabs him, has level 9 cleric or bard friend come over with a diamond, raise hostage, locate villain, murder his face.

You stay a night in a city with a thieves' guild. Upon waking up, all of your stuff is gone. All of it.

Grand Arbiter
2017-01-15, 06:05 PM
Apparently these dolts don't do research on their targets. I make my own weapons and armor psionically. :smallamused:
There won't be a thieves guild for much longer.http://i194.photobucket.com/albums/z257/kerisrain/other/evil.png

The party rogue stole your cookie.

2017-01-16, 06:38 PM
The party rogue will soon be wishing evasion applied to fortitude saves. Chaotic Wild Surged Energy Missile: Cold to his face. Who needs rogues anyway?

The party Wilder(who is mostly immortal) kills the party rogue for stealing his cookie, and does so with no evident feelings of remorse.

2017-01-18, 03:32 PM
I steal Wilder's cookie.

You receive a business card for a plastic surgeon who describes herself as "creative."

2017-01-22, 10:54 AM
"Haha! Yeah, my teachers used to call me that, too. Y'all don't let it get you down!"

You're here to meet a royal family, and the prince offers you a plate of cookies. You have no reason to suspect they're poison, but you can tell by smelling them that they're going to taste vomit-inducingly awful. The royal family stares you down from across the table, clearly expecting you to eat them to please their young son. What do you do?

2017-01-22, 03:24 PM
I eat the cookies and say thank you, honoring the royal family. After all, they were the ones who invited me, and I'm most likely one of the guys protecting their home.

But after a while, I excuse myself, go outside where no one is, and induce vomiting.

You see a paladin outside of a castle almost literally tossing his cookies.

2017-01-22, 03:33 PM
A paladin tossing cookies? I attempt to catch the cookies. After all, you must not waste perfectly good macadamia nut and raisins.
I know that's not what you meant.

You see a Sorcerer attempting to catch cookies which are being thrown by a Paladin.

2017-01-22, 09:43 PM
I suspect him of being an accomplice to the rogue that stole my cookie and begin interrogating him, CE wilder style.

You see a wilder assaulting a sorcerer that is covered in cookies tossed by a paladin.

2017-01-23, 10:23 PM
...I'm going back to bed.

You wake up at home in bed! I was going to add something else, but this is already an exciting and unusual event for an adventurer so let's just start here.

2017-01-23, 10:31 PM
Well this is nic-- wait, when did I get a bed? When did I get a home‽ WHEN DID I REGAIN THE CAPACITY FOR SLEEP‽‽‽
Yes, I used an interrobang four interrobangs. I like them.
You recall adventuring with people, but the people that call themselves your party are not those people. You remember adventuring, but you don't remember the adventures that those people recount. You don't remember any of the details of anything, but everything here feels off-put.

2017-01-24, 06:43 PM
*Meteor Swarm*

You are on a train. On the train tracks there are humans. You can move the train and hit dogs instead.
Pick a third option.

Grand Arbiter
2017-01-24, 10:28 PM
Eh, it's one of those lighting rail thingies from Eberron. Mass immunity to electricirty should allow this hunk of badly-woven enchantments to harmlessly hover over the people. ...Well, as long as they all duck, it should.

You are given a choice. Solve a rubik's cube in a day(without any help/aid) or face an angry dragon.

2017-01-24, 10:31 PM
Pshh, I have a great intelligence. This should be easy. <nine hours later> Can I fight the dragon please?

You happen across an artificer throwing Rubik's cubes at a dragon.

2017-01-24, 10:47 PM
Oww! Quit it! Come on, I wasn't even angry before you started battering me with toys!

You approach a dungeon rumored to house the nasty dragon you were hired to murder, when a dragon matching its description comes running out in tears and moves to fly away.

2017-01-26, 12:37 AM
"Heh. That dragon's in one heck of a position and facial expression right now. It would be great for my collection." I manifest Crystallize.

A troll kisses you. Somehow.

Grand Arbiter
2017-01-26, 12:45 PM
Ewwwwwwwww. :smallyuk: *BLAM*

Thelen and I have been in a prank war for years, but this is the last straw. Time to show why enchanters shouldn't make an evoker mad. :smallmad:

Your local wizard's tower just went up in a mushroom cloud.

2017-01-26, 01:39 PM
Turn invisible and go investigate it. I never liked the guy anyway, so I wonder what he had hidden in there? Maybe something isn't broken...

The rest of your party caught off guard and is killed by an enormous horde of goblins, hobgoblins, and other small goblinoid creatures.

2017-01-27, 10:18 AM
A party with a necromancer, a ranger, a fighter-barbarian, a thief, a huge orc paladin, and a wild sorcerer? You're kidding right? If you must know... Aldia the dark teleports out of there. He know's when standing and fighting is a bad idea.

You are kidnapped and taken aboard a Viking ship for whatever reasons they have.

2017-01-27, 11:28 AM
I quaff ale and split things asunder. Inasmuch as a squishy sorcerer is able to. I become one of them.

You are abducted by a Sorcerer Viking.

2017-01-27, 07:06 PM
I manifest a chaotic wild surged energy ball: fire centered on myself and blow that viking to bits, and laugh at the flames that try to burn me.

The aging king has named you as heir to his throne. It is expected that he will live just a few more years. He is a kind and just man who has created a very stable and prosperous kingdom.

2017-01-28, 02:05 AM
I manifest a chaotic wild surged energy ball: fire centered on myself and blow that viking to bits, and laugh at the flames that try to burn me.

The aging king has named you as heir to his throne. It is expected that he will live just a few more years. He is a kind and just man who has created a very stable and prosperous kingdom.

I find an empty place far from any one. I then cast Infallible servant and Silence upon the old man and get an arrow which I slowly dig into his chest with with his blood draining until the tip reaches his heart where I slowly poke and with a hammer then proceed to smash down his heart so I can become the king quickly. I then cast suggestion upon the head royal guard of his and convince him someone else murdered him and start to rule. (yes my character is evil)

A deep rooting evil has been uncovered and slowly starts to consume the land destroying it forever.

2017-01-28, 12:21 PM
Finally my paladin order can do something. Time for a full out crusade guys!

Your post gets ninjad

2017-01-29, 12:08 AM
Finally my paladin order can do something. Time for a full out crusade guys!

Your post gets ninjad

I delete the post. Then plot revenge. Anger not the sorcerer, for thou art squishy and meld well with daemons.

A devil wants your soul. He offers you the armies of the nine hells in exchange.

2017-01-29, 11:14 AM
"I accept." *Gets armies.* "Minions? Kill him."

A murder of crows is following you everywhere. WATCHING.

2017-01-29, 06:03 PM
He'd consider leaving them behind by flying his A-wing to another planet, but his curiosity would get the better of him and he'd stay to see how it turned out.
Blaster constantly in hand, of course.

While trying to stop their opponent, a loved one turns up dead with a warning to back off carved into their skin.

2017-01-29, 10:39 PM
Ah, crud. I must have triggered some Phoenix Wright shenanigans somewhere. I wish I could rez NPCs, if only to apologize to her... But whatever. This means I'm getting closer, so I'm certainly not stopping now.

You wake up, only to find that you've seemingly gone blind overnight.

2017-01-29, 10:57 PM
I acquire telepathy, blindsight, and mindsight. This can be done with Mindbender and Gray Sage(adapted to psionics).

You and your personal army granted to you by a king(willingly or unwillingly, depending on your character. Also questionable whether the king is still alive, or ever existed) are marching through the forest when you enter a clearing and see a blind person meditating in the middle of it. He is human and is wearing a dark color scheme, including a tattered cloak. He is right in the middle of your intended path.

2017-01-30, 10:54 AM

You are in town selling magic items you have looted while adventuring when you are approached by some local guardsmen. They claim you have sold a cursed item during your shopping, and make clear their intent to lawfully apprehend you. How do you respond?

2017-01-31, 09:16 AM
Aldia the dark knows the remove curse spell. He requests to be escorted to the cursed item, so he can un-curse it. He mentions that, should the guards be lying about the cursed item, unpleasant things will occur. He is a necromancer, after all.

While dungeon delving, you encounter a man with a scythe who goes by the name Sigmund. He's hostile.

Albertus Magus
2017-02-01, 07:09 AM
Cast Obscuring Mist, then run away.

You and your compatriots enter a well lit room, 10'x10'. Immediately opposite you is a door.
To the right is a large red button, the left a knotted rope hangs from the ceiling, the center of the door is dominated by an ornate silver knocker. The door itself has a simple bronze knob and seems to be made of oak reinforced with iron.
What do you do?

Grand Arbiter
2017-02-03, 05:02 PM
I step back and cast wall of force in the doorway, recasting over time if necessary. I'm going to let my companions examine everything while I stay nice and safe outside the room.

The party bard has selected the bagpipes as his instrument of choice during character creation.

2017-02-04, 02:24 AM
I wholeheartedly support it! Except... can you actually afford one of those at first level? You probably can. It's probably a little cheaper than a horse.

You need to get across an ocean, but it turns out that this coast doesn't have any boats anywhere ever.

2017-02-04, 01:11 PM
I use my undead horde to invade the nearest settlement- preferably of a evil race.
Then I add the fallen to my horde and order them to build me a ship.
Time to design a Jolly Roger! High sea there I come!

There have been rumors of a pirate ship crewed by the living dead terrorizing local sailors (mostly with their smell and terrible singing voices, but still...)
There is a reward for anyone willing to investigate.
What will you do?

5a Violista
2017-02-04, 03:50 PM
My character looks for a treasure map that tells where the ghost ship will be based on the phases of the moon, then camps out in that place until the right time, before sneaking aboard by using a grappling hook, hunting for hidden treasure.

On the other hand, you find yourself on a separate pirate ship inside a cannon pointing at a pirate's fortress. The pirate behind you is about to light the fuse and launch you to the fort, so you can save your sister...

2017-02-05, 01:09 AM
First - I wonder how I got into this situation. Second - I wonder why I'm saving my sister, as my entire family is evil, and most of us are practically immortal. Third - I manifest Chaotic Wild Surged Energy Burst: Cold, because I can.

Some drunk in the tavern bumps into you and spills your drink all over you.

2017-02-05, 12:02 PM
I clean my armor off and then politely, but firmly, ask him to leave.

You are stuck in a battle of wits to the death against a masked man in black. The challenge is that he filled two goblets with wine and turned around and filled one of them with iocane.

2017-02-05, 01:32 PM
"Do you REALLY think I'll fall for that?" *Skeletons point bows at him.*

You are tasked with finding the fabled Orb of Zot within a really big dungeon. How do you go about this task?

2017-02-06, 12:59 PM
I destroy the entire wherever I am. If the orb is a quest item it should be fine.

You are brought to a house made entirely of fish scales.

2017-02-06, 06:56 PM
I compliment whoever went through the trouble of gathering the fish scales. If they kept the fish alive, I compliment them even more. I also compliment the architect. It's pretty hard to make a house out of fish scales. Then I look for someone who doesn't like the house and turn them into a humanoid(probably)-sicle.

You find a giant popsicle with a humanoid(probably) frozen inside. It appears to be cherry flavored.

2017-02-06, 08:36 PM
Take advantage of such an amazing business opportunity, chop the popsicle into smaller popsicles and sell them in a nearby town and selling the humanoid bits to the nearest friendly monster if possible.

You have found a cursed mug that keeps its contents too hot to drink.

5a Violista
2017-02-07, 03:32 AM
My character uses it to heat up her bath.

You wake up and realize that you're in a classic horror movie.

2017-02-07, 10:32 AM
Aldia smirks. When have necromancers ever been the victims in horror movies? Or, for that matter, when haven't they been villains?

You and your party come across who appear to be... yourselves. In YOUR tavern. Drinking YOUR drinks. At YOUR table.

2017-02-07, 11:01 AM
:smallsigh:I told the bard not to touch anything inside that weird, surprisingly roomy for its size, blue box.:smallsigh:
Oh well.
Step one: Avoid our other selves.
Step two: Work out when we are.
Step three:Make the bard suffer.:smallfurious:

You see a mage chasing a bard while hurling spells at him and shouting about the bard’s idiocy, lack of any kind of sense and incompetence.
Oh and something about time, space and blue boxes.

2017-02-07, 08:13 PM
I laugh and turn them both into crystal statues which I shrink down and add to my collection.

Due to a failed teleport, you find yourself in an unfamiliar building. Opening the first door you see, you find rows upon rows of crystal statues of various creatures. Under each one is a plaque with a summary of their abilities. The creatures are of varying ability and alignment.

2017-02-07, 09:48 PM
"Whoooaaaah. Cool! This place must be like a zoo for statues!"

"...you mean, 'museum?'"

"Of course I see 'em, silly! They're right here!"

- - - - -

You wake up in bed reasonably well-rested and notice a curious whistling sound outside. Your bedroom opens up to a stone mansion's corridor rather than its previous surroundings, and on investigation you find that the mansion itself defines the borders of a floating island sailing over a landscape you don't recognize. You haven't explored the whole mansion or called for help or anything yet. What do?

2017-02-08, 07:42 PM
Time to explore a mansion! Hopefully someone can explain some things to me, such as how I got here. So I guess the correct answer would be "find whoever did this."

A very trustworthy old man wearing red robes living in a cave holds out a wooden sword and says "It's dangerous to go alone. Take this!"

Grand Arbiter
2017-02-11, 11:43 PM
I ain't alone you old coot, I have the voices in my head. They'll protect me!

Your party of commoners tunnels into a recently-deceased dragon's lair. Upon seeing its hoard, one member of you crew acts like so:http://orig05.deviantart.net/d620/f/2016/037/a/a/newpersonality_by_doctorworm1987-d9qtixa.gif

2017-02-13, 05:03 PM
I spontaneously become a PC, taking my first level in Pugilist. I was already a Necropolitan, so he's doomed.

You are on a battlefield, the masses of all the allied armies all here to fight the horde of the Necromancer. As you struggle against the flood of corpses, you glance back and see the Necromancer's lieutenant, a Necropolitan that is said to be immortal and unstoppable. He is tearing through the ranks of the army from behind, slaughtering them with his bare hands. Your reaction?

2017-02-13, 05:20 PM
Pazuzu, Pazuzu, Pazuzu.

You unearth a vial of a substance that raises those of divine blood to deity levels but kills anyone else. What do you do?

2017-02-13, 07:12 PM
"I don't drink it!"
"And what?"
"What do you do with it? Put it back? Pour it on the ground?"
"Oh, uhh... I'll show it to Aria! Like, it's a super-rare god potion, right? She could show it to the pear egg sticks and they'd probly be real impressed!"
...it was at this point that Natalie Goatherd was banned from appearing in this thread.

You're covered in spider webs, spiders, and spider donuts. How did that happen??

2017-02-15, 07:17 PM
My assassin quirks her head, confused, then casts prestidigitation to clean herself off. She then gets her shadowcaster gnome friend to teleport the both of them out of this unknown location.

You are asleep, dreaming of your love interest/friend/etc, when they snap their fingers, wrapping you in bands of resilient iron, then hug you. Six seconds later, there is a lurching feeling in your stomach, and your dream dissolves into an infinite storm of fire, ice, acid, lightning, and wind. The aforementioned love interest/friend/etc begins to coup de grace you. What do you do?

2017-02-15, 08:08 PM
Probably one of the Witchborn's playing a prank. I shouldn't have told them I'm immortal - most of them are close to it and summon elephants on each other for fun.

Someone summons a dire elephant 200' above you.

Grand Arbiter
2017-02-16, 11:07 PM
*pop* And my master said immediate-action long-range teleportation was not worth studying. :smallamused:

There is a big red flashing button in front of you.

2017-02-17, 01:28 PM
I push it!

The crazed sorcerer pushed the big red flashing button.

2017-02-17, 07:00 PM
Eh, I already pressed it. All it did was starting to flash.

A (deceased) relative you never heard of made you the heir to their property in a locationd you never heard about.
The only condition is that you have to live there.

An Amy
2017-02-18, 11:32 AM
I'm stuck in a tower at the moment. I send a letter to my parents explaining this. Then go back to my studies.

You tried to help someone and bought an item off them for very cheap. It turns out to be cursed. You can't get rid of it and it makes you smell bad. You see this person in the distance through the crowd. They spot you and begin to run off.

2017-02-18, 01:43 PM
I turn them into a crystal statue and add them to my collection. Then I find someone who can cast Remove Curse - I can't afford this Charisma damage.

It rains cats and dogs.

2017-02-19, 10:41 PM
I'm obviously dreaming, so I try to fly.

You see a paladin trying to fly

An Amy
2017-02-20, 12:49 AM
I look for who's doing that to him. Surely, he's not doing it of his own accord. I prepare to cut off the flows if I see he's truly the one doing it though.

You were flying, pretty high, and suddenly you're not.

Grand Arbiter
2017-02-20, 01:02 AM
(0_o) !!!
Note to self: research version of spell that does not create a pit of feathers to fall into.

There are feathers falling in the air around you, seeming to come out of the 4th story window above you.

An Amy
2017-02-20, 01:04 AM
Close my window and hope they don't mean anything more than a violent pillow fight. Though... that might be fun. I run upstairs with my pillow.

A random stranger barges into your inn/hotel/office room armed with only a pillow and seeming not to care if you don't have one.

2017-02-20, 04:06 PM
Well. Better accelerate my schedule.
Jumps out of window dramatically as something explodes, causing the feathers to go everywhere.

You see someone jump out of the fourth story window of an exploding building.

An Amy
2017-02-20, 06:50 PM
I follow them. There's probably a good reason and I hope they have a way to land safely. Better than hoping the building will be safer though.

You see someone injured on the street. A few broken bones. Bleeding. They look well dressed though. Sans the blood stains. And the char of fire.

2017-02-21, 12:26 PM
Aldia casts Cure Wounds and walks off.

You find yourself in the dungeon of the necrodancer. Yes, you read that right.

Grand Arbiter
2017-03-03, 01:08 AM
*drinks dwarven whiskey from mug whilst standing at favorite bar*
*lowers mug*
*notices surroundings change and sign labeled "Dungeon of the Necrodancer"*
*spit take*
*looks at mug, then surroundings again*
The guys will never believe this...

Your party is denied entrance into a city because of what you and/or your companions have done in the past.

2017-03-03, 01:36 PM
I cast a Massed Shapechange, now we are all whatever we want to be.

You receive a mug of cocoa from an unknown source.

2017-03-04, 12:14 PM
*CHUGlrf!* "Okay, okay! I'm going! You don't have to shove!"

I roll sense motive on the cocoa, then realize Branda has detect poison and purify food and drink as cantrips and just use those.

You wake up in a floating castle above a landscape you don't recognize. On investigation, some of your party is also in the castle, wearing noble clothing and acting like you're the crazy one for not knowing that you've always lived here.

2017-03-04, 03:26 PM
Three years later...

I stand atop the highest tower of my fortress, surveying the land around me. Of course, I can hardly see the land with the enormous armies upon it, both living and undead. Five of the remaining seven nations had united their forces against me. The other three had joined me.
The now vampirized rogue of my party approaches.
"My lord," he hisses, "The Ethereal Legion is in position."
I nodded. I had had to murder and raise as undead my entire party - they would never agree with my plans.
"Give the command. We attack now. And inform the Necromantic Legions that they are free to cast on their own initiative."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~

You are the general of one of the five living armies that have united to defeat the Emperor of the Dead. You are surrounded with seemingly endless legions of undead, and they are now attacking.

Grand Arbiter
2017-03-06, 12:51 AM
Me, my imagination, and enough magical support to do whatever I'd like...
( •_•)>⌐■-■
These undead ain't gonna know what hit 'em.

You are another general of one of the aforementioned five armies striking at the Emperor of the Dead. One of your fellow commanders has taken out all of the undead on the field of battle, and now the living opponents are yours to contend with.

2017-03-06, 01:47 AM
Um, no? My people were already freed from bondage as a condition for helping to bring this guy down. We got what we wanted; you big lugs can argue about borders as much as you like. (Though if any of you need help with that, we are open to expensive suggestions.)

You wake up dead! Or possibly undead? You're entombed at the bottom of a mine shaft without any recollection of how you got there, and at some point you realize you're not breathing.

2017-03-06, 09:23 AM
Aldia realizes that he must have died and been brought back by the goddess of death. She must still have use for him... He casts Misty Step to get un-entombed.

You are stuck in a drow prison, with all your stuff gone.

2017-03-06, 09:28 PM
Lolth forsake it, it's Wednesday already.
Fortunately the drow have an advanced legal system of fair trials with no corruption... If you can kill everyone else first.

You are called as a lawyer to defend a hit man for the Mafia elite. He missed his chosen prey, killed a nun and drove away, running over four cute puppies in the street.

2017-03-06, 09:41 PM
I move to adjourn before anybody catches on. (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0805.html) There must be a good story for why they called me in for this.

You were about to get legal vengeance on the man that ran over all four of your puppies, but the weird cat-looking lawyer moved to adjourn.

2017-03-06, 10:35 PM
"Suggestion. You want to accept a plea bargain. You also want to submit testimony against the ones who hired you."
"You also want to double your cat-lawyer's salary because he's cute."

You've been challenged to a pie-eating contest by an army of ravenous orcs!

2017-03-06, 11:29 PM
Umm... I'm undead... I'm not sure I can actually eat...
Dang it, somebody destroyed my undead army. I guess I'll have to make a new one out of these orcs.

It's Opposite Day. Everything has been reversed.

An Amy
2017-03-07, 11:26 AM
I struggle to take advantage of this and just wait out the day.

You've been caught trying to transport of an illegal weapon across national borders. But there's only one guard questioning you. And it's night. In a remote location.

2017-03-07, 11:52 PM
Oh wow! We're doing this? This is really happening? I've been looking forward to this for so long! Okay, here goes:

"These are not the droids you're looking for."

You found some droids! They're really not the ones you were looking for, though.

An Amy
2017-03-09, 10:41 PM
I take them anyway. I could use some spare parts for my leg and right arm.

Someone took your droids! Then robbed some parts out of them and left them out back.

2017-03-10, 05:07 PM
Aw, man! It took me weeks to build those! That's it - I'm building a death robot.

A humanoid death robot is slowly slaughtering the world.

Grand Arbiter
2017-03-10, 11:46 PM
Giant death robot? Meet my 101 Rust Monsters. And to think they called me crazy, hehehe....

You are fresh out of prompts for a thread about hypothetical situations.

2017-03-10, 11:49 PM
**** it, time to adventure again. More anecdotes for me!

You were having a nice time delving the mine, but you delved too greedily, and too deep.
and awoke a shadow of terror and flame

Simetra Irertne
2017-03-31, 10:55 AM
I tell the DM to be more original, then plane shift my way out of there.

The halfling you were threatening shouts "Enough!" and pulls out an enchanted crossbow.

2017-03-31, 02:40 PM
I use my enchanted tower shield to cover me and then smash his face in

A magic missile came out of a crowd and struck you in the crotch

2017-03-31, 11:25 PM
I inevitably take like three more hits before I give up and run away, crying. I may be an archmage now, but this brings back too many traumatic memories from grade school.

An diviner you know to be reliable gives you a fantasy tarot-reading sort of a thing. Ordinarily this would be quite ominous, but this time it turns up, like, the five of stars and the two of cups or something. What do you prepare for?

2017-04-01, 09:20 AM
I give her an actual tarot deck. Real ones don't have stars.

You discover your dad is the dead god of murder.

Simetra Irertne
2017-04-01, 05:43 PM
I travel to the nearest tavern, seek out the old man in the corner, and ask for his advice. I then go on a three year quest to return the god to life. I then kill him again. Murder is bad.

Someone throws your unconscious body off a cliff. Halfway down, you wake up with no memory of how you got there.

2017-04-01, 11:46 PM
"Aw, man! This happened last year, too! And the year before that, and the year before that, an-" *splash*

You wake up underground! A bunch of living goo covers the walls. You find one of your friends, who says they've been looking all over for you and asks where you put your tentacles.

2017-04-02, 07:44 PM
I ignore him and obtain guidance from my god regarding what the hell is going on.

An athletic man with a Spanish accent walks up to you and says "My name is Inigo Montaya, you killed my farther, prepare to die!" He then stabs at you with his sword

2017-04-02, 10:29 PM
I challenge him to an honorable duel. Then, as soon as the duel starts, I say: "Catch!" and toss my rapier to him. While he's distracted, I rush and grab him, then proceed to beat him unconscious. I then stand up and say to him: "Honor is for suckers."
I then take him as a prisoner and make him fight for my amusement.

You see somebody challenge another person to an honorable duel, then beat him very dishonorably, then take the person prisoner.

2017-04-02, 11:32 PM
It turns out that, at least where my changeling barrister comes from, duels are illegal whether they're honorable or not. She'll track down and expose this guy's underground fight club slash slavery ring, but turn around and defend him when he's falsely accused of Montoya's murder. Xanyo's character may be a bad guy, but that doesn't give Inigo the right to use him as a scapegoat.

You're on trial for a crime you totally committed! Of course, the punishment if you're found guilty is going to be way out of proportion to the crime itself, regardless of what your character was actually tempted to do. Think death for shoplifting, an eternity imprisoned behind your own eyes as you're dominated and recycled into a massive undead colossus for manslaughter. How do you defend yourself?

Simetra Irertne
2017-04-03, 07:43 AM
I kill them all. At least, if I am caught again, I will deserve the punishment.

You are part of a legitimate, though overly punishing, authority when one of your prisoners starts to rebel and kills his guards with a stolen sword. Unfortunately, the prisoner is a foot taller than you and clearly a more accomplished swordsman.

2017-04-03, 12:32 PM
I kill them all. At least, if I am caught again, I will deserve the punishment.

You are part of a legitimate, though overly punishing, authority when one of your prisoners starts to rebel and kills his guards with a stolen sword. Unfortunately, the prisoner is a foot taller than you and clearly a more accomplished swordsman.

I am a Sorcerer, ergo the sword means nothing. I shatter the blade, then either a) Polymorph any Object him into a glass vase and smash it with a hammer or b) Plane Shift him to the Abyss.

You, through no fault of your own, are now in the Abyss after attacking a Sorcerer.

2017-04-03, 12:56 PM
I am a Sorcerer, ergo the sword means nothing. I shatter the blade, then either a) Polymorph any Object him into a glass vase and smash it with a hammer or b) Plane Shift him to the Abyss.

You, through no fault of your own, are now in the Abyss after attacking a Sorcerer.

I fight the residents for a while then Gate to my blessed bastion when low on HP or bored

I ship laden with treasure and slaves but guarded by cannon is drifting beneath the cliff your standing on

An Amy
2017-04-03, 02:26 PM
I call down to the captain to ask him why the carp he isn't taking the shipment to Arnstead like he was supposed to. Idiot...

A potty-mouthed passerby on the street picks you as the target of his next expletive-excessive exposition.

2017-04-03, 03:11 PM
I cast Greater Bestow Curse: Mute on him. Betcha a lot of people will thank me for that.

Hell freezes over while you're visiting it.

Simetra Irertne
2017-04-03, 06:12 PM
Cania, the Eighth Hell, is always frozen. Nothing to see here, just a gelugon going about his business. Move along.

You are facing off against a dragon in an anti-magic arena.

An Amy
2017-04-03, 10:37 PM
Theterax? Is that you? What are you doing fighting for money? What happened to the horde of a thousand kings? I see... the Sojourner...

You're talking with a good friend when they blurt out that they've been cheating on their significant other. With your significant other. But... you don't have a significant other. They're confused and point to a depiction of the two of you at a recent festival celebration. And there you are. With your significant other. That you've never met. You look around you at the house, your clothes. They are all not as you remember them. Nothing seems to be as you remembered! Even your friend has a new scar that he claims, insists is decades old.

2017-04-03, 11:14 PM
I ask what year it is, though I already have a pretty clear idea that it's supposed to be some number of years in my future and that I'm supposed to have Fantasy Amnesia. Remembering this trick from at least two Star Trek episodes, I try to avoid divulging any sensitive information from before the incident, and I never - EVER - go back to where I hid the macguffin. Other than that, I'll let everyone kind of lead me by the hand and catch me up as they see fit.

...unless my significant other is Adam Sandler, in which case I kill every living organism I encounter.

Someone you like - a friend, a date, a mentor - invites you to a movie and you realize too late that it's a film you find incredibly objectionable. What kind of movie is it and how do you go about excusing yourself?

Simetra Irertne
2017-04-04, 07:04 AM
It's a zombie horror movie. I turn undead, lightning bolt the control panel, magic missile the screen, and dimension door out of there. When they ask, I tell them it was my evil magic-using twin.

You're standing on something stone. You can't see or hear anything else. It's pitch black and you don't know where you are. Spells of all types fizzle as soon as you speak the command words. What do you do?

2017-04-04, 08:09 AM
Fight my way out I don't need your pansy magic anyway (Hooray for fighter/cleric multiclassing!)

You find yourself on the roof of a twenty storey building right as it crumbles beneath you

2017-04-19, 10:03 PM
I jump and land unharmed. (monk FTW)
My other party members fly or teleport. ( lil' panzy spellcasters)
The rogue doges the rubble and jumps before hitting the ground to negate the falling damage. (+34 in acrobatics)

The illithids have a prismatic dragon. And you pissed them off. Badly.

2017-04-20, 06:46 PM
Heh. Heheheh. They're gonna die.

You get hit by exploded Prismatic Dragon guts.

2017-04-21, 01:16 PM
I'll be fine. I've been covered with many things, from whipped cream (wild magic surge) to raw sewage (also wild magic surge).

A wild magic surge occurs and you are suddenly covered in whipped cream.

2017-04-21, 05:17 PM
Patiently waits, arms splayed, while his butler ranger cleans it off. More than a little embarrassed.

Suddenly, dead family!

2017-04-22, 07:45 AM
Suddenly, Dead Family!
Is standing beside me.
I don't need no scimitar, don't have to chuck
Suddenly, Dead Family!
Is here to provide me
Sweet corpses
Dead Family's my friend!

You find yourself trapped in a Musical Universe. Every time a select group of people have angst or relationship troubles EVERYONE is required to do a song and dance number about it. These characters tend to be disproportionately white and heterosexual, and everyone else is fighting for equality in "being the center of large songs." Do you join the revolution, or fight for the status quo?

2017-04-22, 07:53 AM
Suddenly, Dead Family!
Is standing beside me.
I don't need no scimitar, don't have to chuck
Suddenly, Dead Family!
Is here to provide me
Sweet corpses
Dead Family's my friend!

You find yourself trapped in a Musical Universe. Every time a select group of people have angst or relationship troubles EVERYONE is required to do a song and dance number about it. These characters tend to be disproportionately white and heterosexual, and everyone else is fighting for equality in "being the center of large songs." Do you join the revolution, or fight for the status quo?

Firstly, I get the reference. Well done! That's my favorite musical, too.

I stand off the the side unobtrusively and mimic whoever has the lead, except louder and off-key by half a note.

The world just exploded, and you aren't sure how you survived. You're floating through space.

Simetra Irertne
2017-04-23, 12:51 PM
I wake up and open the door to the sensory deprivation tank. That was relaxing.

You are floating away from a body. Your body...

2017-04-24, 02:31 PM
Ooh! I poke it!

You sneeze and are launched three hundred or so miles.

2017-04-24, 06:18 PM
Feather fall, Teleport

You turn the corner of a dungeon only to see a group similar to your own but undead

2017-04-27, 08:01 AM
Undead aren't always hostile. A friendly greeting is in order.

When you go to leave your favorite tavern, there's nothing outside. As in, an endless void of nothingness.

Simetra Irertne
2017-04-27, 08:23 AM
Why would I leave my favorite tavern? Or any tavern? Did they run out of beer? Praise Thor! (Or Moradin)

You wake up in a lead cube, five feet on each side. A crude representation of the symbol of Deneir is etched into each wall, the floor, and the ceiling. At your feet is a blue mushroom. You have a sour taste in your mouth and a sore neck. You hear something moving around outside, and a reptilian voice muttering to itself in high elvish. The only light source in the cube is a single candle. You look around, and find you aren't wearing a shirt, only pants. Your pockets are full of gallium, for some reason. Did I mention the cube was slowly filling with water?

2017-04-28, 06:43 PM
I don't know why someone locked me in a box and threw me in a lake, but unless it was lizard-voice themselves, they'll probably pull me out once I've shouted enough to get their attention, even if we don't speak the same language. Unless I'm Leolin, in which case I expand to twice the size of the box and freak them right out.

A colossal giant is wandering across town, its eyes focused on some distant point in the horizon, seemingly unaware of the damage it's causing as it steps on everything.

2017-04-28, 11:00 PM
Hmm... How can I make this go terribly...
Casts an illusion to of the horizon in order to guide the giant around to stomp on the rest of the city

You're minding your own business in your campaign setting when you get Plane Shifted to a different one.

Simetra Irertne
2017-05-01, 07:15 AM
I mind my own business in a new campaign setting.

You're playing Dwarf Fortress, but your dwarves go on strike.

2017-05-02, 11:51 AM
Send in the elves!

You're playing Stellaris but have angered a fallen empire.

2017-05-06, 08:54 AM
Well... it's fallen. Do I care about them?

You are the meek and the mighty fell.
Do you help the mighty up or do you supplant it?

2017-05-06, 08:55 PM
"Supplant it, definith what, exactlyPLAY WITH YOUno! What hapEAL meaning of this world!

You've been combined in a transporter accident with several other characters that you've played before! How... how's that working out for you?

2017-05-06, 10:10 PM
Considering he's a multiversal entity at this point(think Wolverine, where after the original's death, all other Logans became aware of each other's existence), he would become absurdly broken by being a multi-ghestalt character while I disappear. Consider it like grabbing a glass of Rum and Coke, where I'm the rum, and you keep moving the mix into sequentially bigger glasses, adding in coke to fill them up as you go. By the end of it, You would have 99% coke and only 1% rum.

Your character has been handed a dagger that cuts through anything, even Gods. It's a regular dagger that deals 1d4+STR damage to anything, ignoring all DR. It's the same size as a butter knife. How do they abuse it's immense cutting power?

2017-05-06, 10:21 PM
I break it into little pieces, then weld each of the pieces along the edge of a sural in a way that preserves the edge. Then I put every single point I have into alertness and become extremely paranoid.

A peasant has taken over the world with extreme charm.

2017-05-07, 03:29 AM
Go to a different world

You find that you just can't stop dancing

2017-05-07, 06:10 AM

You find that you can't start dancing.

2017-05-07, 11:42 PM
My bard, upon finding he cannot dance, seeks out the nearest wizard in his town immediately to figure out what kind of curse he is under. It's bad for this business, you know? Performing is a hard job!

Your character finds themselves without anything other than the clothes on their back and their main weapon of choice in the middle of the wilderness, and meets a rude party of adventures as the only people they had seen in days.

2017-05-08, 08:44 AM
I tag along for a bit, aiding them with magic, then make off with half their stuff in the night.

Half your stuff is missing, along with the mysterious mage that tagged along with your group yesterday.

2017-05-08, 08:59 AM
Put up with their crap until we're back in civilization, helping only if asked or if it seems necessary. Depending on their level of unpleasantness, forget about them and move on or put a bounty on their heads after parting ways with them.

Your character has found a lost item that rightfully belongs to a lich, reputed to be quite reasonable, if the "lost item" posters you come across the town are any indication, as well as the testimony of several townfolk. But still, he's a lich.

Simetra Irertne
2017-05-08, 11:32 AM
Life of a rogue. What can I say?

You've been spotted by the guards!

2017-05-08, 11:53 AM
Suggestion. no, you haven't I am simply visiting, and it seems as though you've caught me at a rather... odd time... I was locked inside your garden and had to climb out, you see-

You visit your home (or favorite inn, store, etc. if you don't have one) and find that it had been sold illegally to a kind, unknowing person you have never seen before.

2017-05-14, 09:28 PM
Reasonable me: I talk it out with the person and we come to an agreement.


You trip and fall into a cave you didn't know was there. Inside, there's a bunch of flux slime in patterns that spell out "This is not a dungeon. We have no treasure. Go away. Or else."

2017-05-15, 09:59 AM
"'Go away, or else.' Oh! Hi! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to trespass..." Misha looks up at her entrance, a small point of light in the high ceiling of this underground passage. "Come to think of it, how DO I get out of here?" she asks the slime as though expecting it to reply.

You've been given the task of researching what the heck Flux Slime is, whether or not it's intelligent, and whether it can be used as a food or power source. The quest-giver does not care about the first two questions nearly as much as the last.

2017-05-16, 07:44 AM
My wizard, already being curious about the slime, stops at nothing to find information about it. They go from library to library, caring mostly about the first two questions, though intrigued about what its uses could be. They most likely use intimidation and threats (rarely acted upon, as they can't do most of the things they threaten anyway) to glean information from others, despite there being possibly better methods.

A strange wizard you have never seen before threatens to burn your arms to a crisp if you don't give up all the information you know about a topic you know nothing about.

2017-05-17, 03:13 AM
My wizard, already being curious about the slime, stops at nothing to find information about it. They go from library to library, caring mostly about the first two questions, though intrigued about what its uses could be. They most likely use intimidation and threats (rarely acted upon, as they can't do most of the things they threaten anyway) to glean information from others, despite there being possibly better methods.

A strange wizard you have never seen before threatens to burn your arms to a crisp if you don't give up all the information you know about a topic you know nothing about.
Antimagic Sphere

You have now been stripped of your magic and grabbed in the throats by an angry dwarf in heavy armour

Simetra Irertne
2017-05-17, 11:34 AM
Rust monster call. Very tricky to master, but when done correctly, it will summon an army of rust monsters. What was that, dwarf? You say everything you are wearing is metal? Hmmm....

Someone drops their purse in front of you. It's full of gold, but the person who lost it is a master warlock, and probably has finding spells.

2017-05-19, 02:34 AM
"Warlock, huh? Well, he might have bought a scroll of Locate Object like I did, meaning he'd obviously name his coin purse..." Branda proceeds to empty the purse into her own and drop the empty bag on the ground.

Someone is leading you to another continent with a Shadow Walk spell, but something disrupts it and now you're stranded in the middle of a stormy ocean. Concentration checks are... difficult. What do?

2017-05-19, 10:03 AM
My goblin gunslinger shoots the caster (can't have that much hp), and then waits until either death or safety.

Situation: You are trapped in the underdark, and Drow are all around you. Luckily, they haven't noticed you yet, but you're certain that if they do, you're as good as dead.

2017-05-19, 11:19 AM
points to avatar

I mean, if they really want the TV remote back that bad, I guess they can have it.


You are trapped in a rap song music video.

2017-05-19, 11:57 AM
Really? I thought it was just the show's soundtrack. That's what I get for not reading up on the anime-style setting before character creation.

You're in the king's throne room when it's revealed to you that the country is secretly an insultocracy. The current leader prepares to destroy you with a carefully crafted sick burn. How do you counter his verbal assault?

2017-05-19, 04:00 PM
King(pointing to my magical collar): I see you've finally realized you're nothing but a pet.

Me: Oh, I was just at a costume party. I dressed up as you.

All colors are inverted suddenly.

2017-05-20, 04:12 PM
I go about my normal life as if nothing changed.

A communistic force has just taken over and you are taken into a prison to await a trial to find out your loyalty to the regime.

Simetra Irertne
2017-05-22, 07:16 AM
I start shouting "All hail to the guy in the golden pointy hat!" and running in circles.
Later, in the afterlife:
Guardian of Heaven: "How did you die?"
Me: "Funny story..."

A gnome hands you a potato.