Holiday advice: how do you redirect a conversation?

[WarKitty]

As the title says. There's always, especially for us younger folk, that one relative (or more than one) who insists on asking questions or giving advice that you just don't want to deal with. Like the relative who, say, can't figure out why you don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet, whether or not you actually want one of the sort they specified, and insists on interrogating you on what you're doing about it.

So, ideas?

[enderlord99]

Depending on how bad it gets, you could end up having to resort to this. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRreS2QWfEw):smallwink:

[KuReshtin]

Final solution could be to suddenly point at something behind them, yelling 'Look! A distraction!' and then run away while they're not watching you. :smallwink:

[Eldan]

Find a topic they are really passionate about and that is less annoying? Like, I don't know. Their favourite sports team. Local politics. Famous stamp collectors of the 19th century. Then strike pre-emptively. Do a little research if necessary.

[Chen]

Just tell them you don't want to talk about it. And walk away if they insist on doing it. That or just keep smiling and nodding and saying "yup, ok will do" etc until they stop talking.

[factotum]

I'm with Chen. Just take off and nuke them from orbit make it clear you don't want to discuss it.

[WarKitty]

Unfortunately the people I've found are the worst culprits tend to take you not wanting to deal with it as a sign that you are really really in need of their advice. Or that you're just too "embarassed" or something to talk and need encouragement. Dunno, maybe it's just my family, but it would be a pretty big deal to say something like that.

[Jermz]

If that's the case, why not pro-actively redirect the conversation by changing subject to one that they're uncomfortable talking about? If your over-weight aunt asks you about why you don't have a boyfriend, ask her how her diet is going. It's rude, but then again, so is what they are doing to you.

[Chen]

You don't even have to be rude about it. Just segue that conversation from your lack of potential partners to the graphic pornography you were watching the other day (made up or not, I don't judge :P). Start asking questions regarding that and see how quickly they shut up.

[enderlord99]

Claim that you are already dating someone, but that they couldn't come to the gathering because they were too busy making explosive vests for the rest of the parishioners. Make sure to throw the word "jihad" in there somewhere.

[RdMarquis]

If politely but firmly telling them you don't want to talk about it doesn't work, have you tried asking someone for help? Is there anyone who could talk to your relatives for you?

[Mono Vertigo]

Boyfriend-approved method: ask "so... ducks. They're great, aren't they?"
Worked the first time, not so much because it was a genuine distraction, but because the non-sequitur was light-hearted and amusing enough that the audience abandoned the previous subject immediately. It's been reused with increasing success; it's turning into a private joke that jokingly, but diplomatically, means "this discussion is going nowhere good, how about we lighten up and think about something else?".

Disclaimer: success only confirmed on my mother and a couple friends. Only worked because uttered by my boyfriend; if I'd tried the same with my mother, it would surely have been a huge failure instead.

Long story short, RdMarquis' advice sounds good. Otherwise, try cute non-sequiturs during strategic lulls in the discussion; it's not going to worsen the situation if it fails at any rate*.


*Disclaimer the second: okay, maybe it will.

[Haruki-kun]

Ask them for advice on something else that doesn't bother you to discuss. Make it up if you want. If they really want to give you advice that badly, they'll embrace the chance to.

[Aliquid]

Unfortunately the people I've found are the worst culprits tend to take you not wanting to deal with it as a sign that you are really really in need of their advice. Or that you're just too "embarassed" or something to talk and need encouragement. Dunno, maybe it's just my family, but it would be a pretty big deal to say something like that.I wish I could help... but if I had a solution, I would have used it myself back when I was young and single.

I'm just posting to let you know that no, no it isn't just your family. And it is quite normal to be expected to deal with scenarios like this in a polite way.

Being a jerk to the inquisitive family member would draw attention to you. Multiple family members would ask “why did you do that”. I’m guessing you have the type of personality that does not like being the centre of attention… so careful diplomacy is your only option.

[Anarion]

The socially correct thing to do is to smile, nod, and say thank you when they're done. Provide no input, give no commentary, don't ask clarifying questions, don't even say "mhmm" as you're listening.

If you'd prefer to shut them down while also damaging your relationship (with the upside that they probably won't come bug you in the future), tell them politely that you don't give a rat's backside what they have to say and walk away. For example, "Thank you for that aunt [name], but I'd really appreciate it if you kept out of my business from now on."

A more mature, (but not shorter) way to deal with the issue is to explore their need to give you advice. For example, "oh that's interesting uncle [name]. Is that something that came in handy for you when you were dating aunt [name]? Tell me about how you two met."

[OACSNY97]

I'm not so good at this either but the two things I've found that mostly work are:
1. Ask them questions- most people really like to talk about themselves so give them the opportunity to do so. Try to be polite and hope not to be too bored.

2. The one I tend to resort to most of them time- WORK. If you're in the kitchen prepping/ cleaning up after the holiday thing while everyone else is in the living room socializing, you don't have to participate in boring/obnoxious/uncomfortable conversation AND by working people are far less likely to come looking for you to drag you back into the social group than if you're just hiding in a corner since everyone else is grateful THEY don't have to clean up.

Good luck.



Find a topic they are really passionate about and that is less annoying? Like, I don't know. Their favourite sports team. Local politics. Famous stamp collectors of the 19th century. Then strike pre-emptively. Do a little research if necessary.

[WarKitty]

The socially correct thing to do is to smile, nod, and say thank you when they're done. Provide no input, give no commentary, don't ask clarifying questions, don't even say "mhmm" as you're listening.

If you'd prefer to shut them down while also damaging your relationship (with the upside that they probably won't come bug you in the future), tell them politely that you don't give a rat's backside what they have to say and walk away. For example, "Thank you for that aunt [name], but I'd really appreciate it if you kept out of my business from now on."

A more mature, (but not shorter) way to deal with the issue is to explore their need to give you advice. For example, "oh that's interesting uncle [name]. Is that something that came in handy for you when you were dating aunt [name]? Tell me about how you two met."

See the trouble is, at least in my family, the first one is also rude. Your elders asked you a question, so you're expected to answer it! And don't act like you're not listening.

[Starwulf]

My best advice? Don't go if you know there are going to be people there that you can't stand. I mean, it's not like you can't go visit the ones that you do like sometime over the holidays. Or any other time in the year for that matter. I personally stopped going to family gatherings by the time I was 16. Large majority of my family are annoying hypocrites who believe their shiat don't stink. Thankfully after I was 19 I stopped being inviting for reasons personal, but what happened made me the 2nd blacksheep of the family(which is hilarious because what I did was absolutely NOTHING compared to several of my cousins, and yet they are beloved by all. As I said, hypocrites). Family isn't family because of blood, family is family because you share a genuine bond with them, be it friendship or love, or even both(I absolutely love my 3 best friends, and I tell them that every time I talk to them). Blood just means you share some genetic traits and a few common facial characteristics and that's it.

[WarKitty]

My best advice? Don't go if you know there are going to be people there that you can't stand. I mean, it's not like you can't go visit the ones that you do like sometime over the holidays. Or any other time in the year for that matter. I personally stopped going to family gatherings by the time I was 16. Large majority of my family are annoying hypocrites who believe their shiat don't stink. Thankfully after I was 19 I stopped being inviting for reasons personal, but what happened made me the 2nd blacksheep of the family(which is hilarious because what I did was absolutely NOTHING compared to several of my cousins, and yet they are beloved by all. As I said, hypocrites). Family isn't family because of blood, family is family because you share a genuine bond with them, be it friendship or love, or even both(I absolutely love my 3 best friends, and I tell them that every time I talk to them). Blood just means you share some genetic traits and a few common facial characteristics and that's it.

Unfortunately that second sentence only holds in certain circumstances. If you have a family like mine that's scattered across the country and aren't rolling in money to pay airfare with, you can't just go and visit whenever you want to.

[Kornaki]

Just throw out a quick "so how 'bout that Obama huh' before they can say anything. Regardless of political affiliation they will have some opinion.

[Oneris]

Funnel the question into a discussion about hypotheticals and the human condition.

If they ask about a specific type of relationship, start wondering how the need for such a relationship came about evolutionarily with possible comparisons to other species, then divert it into a discussion of exactly how much have humans evolved past the need to fulfill such base and animalistic needs. If they ask about religion, start wondering how it impacts the human capacity for free will and unbiased choosing.
So on and so forth.

Worst case scenario, they're thoroughly confused and leave you to your philosophical musings.
Best case scenario, you come off as seeming quite intelligent and have given them something deep to think about.

[golentan]

This is terrible advice to follow, but I've always found it easy to outcrazy people to get them to leave me alone. From the door to door salesman who I tried to sell a DVD player to to the missionary who I asked for the passcode from my supervising archangel, to, yes, the family member who wouldn't leave me alone until I told them that I was considering a long term committed relationship with a body pillow I had named Andy.

[The_Ditto]

I've always found talking about my characters in D&D (in great detail) tends to get people to clam up and move on :)

When they ask about a boyfriend/girlfriend ..

"Oh, yeah, that reminds me of this time our group was in this one town .. so funny, you got to hear this ... I was this half-elven bard, you see ... "

No worries ... let *them* figure out how to wiggle out of the conversation ... why should you suffer? :smallbiggrin:



a long term committed relationship with a body pillow I had named Andy.

Ahh, Handy Andy ... he was the best, wasn't he?
:smallwink:

[golentan]

Ahh, Handy Andy ... he was the best, wasn't he?
:smallwink:


Well, see, the problem is he would always just lie there.

[Anarion]

Well, see, the problem is he would always just lie there.

Which still made him more productive than some people I know.

Anyway, addressing the main topic, let's not be silly for a minute and go with some problem solving instead.

This is a family where you're "rude" if you don't actively engage in a conversation you despise. That's rather awful, but it's what warkitty has to work with so that's what we're going with.

So, why not try and solve the problem? Here are some questions you could consider asking them and exploring. Be polite at all times.

1. How did you determine that's the right advice?
2. Did you follow it yourself? Why or why not?
3. Has anyone else followed your advice? Any good results?
4. Good advice, but are there any risks or downsides I should be aware of if I follow it?

Then there's a slightly different, more dangerous line. These are heart of the issue questions, DO NOT USE EXACT PHRASING.
1. Are you worried about me? Why?
2. Are you worried about your relationship with me?
3. Do you think this discussion brings us closer together?
4. Are you competing with my parents by trying to influence me?
5. Would you like me better if I followed your advice? Why? Does it give you power?

The way that you chase sensitive issues is to ask related questions. Ask what it was like growing up with your own parents, ask about their love life, ask about your grandparents or great grandparents. Ask about their work, their own kids, their hobbies, and get some hints of their frustrations.

If you haven't improved your diplomacy by at least +2 after this, you're not trying hard enough. :smallwink:


Edit: one more thing. Be interested. Genuinely, openly interested. These are human beings, not robots programmed only to make your night onerous. They're complex. They have hopes and dreams, as well as fears and insecurities. Go in looking to learn, to solve a mystery. Not to shut them down.

Also, feel free to practice. I think "why is this random stranger on the Internet trying to be my life coach" is an excellent question.

[Knaight]

As the title says. There's always, especially for us younger folk, that one relative (or more than one) who insists on asking questions or giving advice that you just don't want to deal with. Like the relative who, say, can't figure out why you don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet, whether or not you actually want one of the sort they specified, and insists on interrogating you on what you're doing about it.

So, ideas?

Given that the rest of the thread seems to indicate that they are intending to be obnoxious boundary-pushers about it, there's always just bypassing that issue. You need a boyfriend/girlfriend during the holidays, and an attitude that relationship specifics are private.

So, you get a friend who is in similar straits, "date" them, then "break up" after the holiday season. You'll already even know a fair amount about them, so questions about them and not the relationship are downright easy.

It's generally not a particularly good way to go about this, and if it weren't for pushy obnoxious relatives who you can't even not talk to I wouldn't suggest it. Given the context though, tactics such as the above are viable. Plus, technically there's no lying involved.

[TuggyNE]

Edit: one more thing. Be interested. Genuinely, openly interested. These are human beings, not robots programmed only to make your night onerous. They're complex. They have hopes and dreams, as well as fears and insecurities. Go in looking to learn, to solve a mystery. Not to shut them down.

Well uh. I think you've just hit on the heart of the issue there.

[WarKitty]

And sometimes that's what makes it more complicated.

So one particular wrinkle is that I'll definitely get asked about whether I have a boyfriend, or advice on getting one. And what I absolutely cannot say is the absolute truth - that even if I were looking to date I'm not exactly looking at boys. I do take it that many of these people want to be genuinely nice and helpful. My family has a very pushy streak that way.

[Anarion]

And sometimes that's what makes it more complicated.

So one particular wrinkle is that I'll definitely get asked about whether I have a boyfriend, or advice on getting one. And what I absolutely cannot say is the absolute truth - that even if I were looking to date I'm not exactly looking at boys. I do take it that many of these people want to be genuinely nice and helpful. My family has a very pushy streak that way.

Well, can't you? I mean, not openly, but how about "I'm just not really interested in boys *beat* right now."

[Knaight]

So one particular wrinkle is that I'll definitely get asked about whether I have a boyfriend, or advice on getting one. And what I absolutely cannot say is the absolute truth - that even if I were looking to date I'm not exactly looking at boys. I do take it that many of these people want to be genuinely nice and helpful. My family has a very pushy streak that way.

If ever the pseudo-boyfriend option was a good one, it's when you have something big to hide. It sounds like that's the case in your family.

[Chen]

If ever the pseudo-boyfriend option was a good one, it's when you have something big to hide. It sounds like that's the case in your family.

I agree with this. If you're not ready to come out to your family (which is fine), then you're going to be deceptive in some way anyways. Might as well go whole hog and use the deception to get them off your back too.

[Oneris]

I agree with this. If you're not ready to come out to your family (which is fine), then you're going to be deceptive in some way anyways. Might as well go whole hog and use the deception to get them off your back too.

Or, if you're uncomfortable about roping a friend into your schemes, you could pantomime a freakout about a really bad breakup a couple days before the party, so anyone who follows your facebook/twitter/whatever knows you're still in the phase of wanting to set men on fire with your mind.

Unless they try to set you up for a rebound relationship. In which case they didn't have your best interests in mind anyways.

[Jormengand]

Like this. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKNVNe9l3wM)

[WarKitty]

That one would work, but there's other stuff...you can really only be deceptive if it's an all-or-nothing deal with your family. So say, you want to avoid the whole why don't you have a job yet talk from great-aunt "I haven't looked for a job in 50 years", you can't exactly pretend to have a job when you were commisserating with your cousin five minutes ago.

(In case anyone was wondering I have a rather large extended family.)

[Chen]

Hmm well if there's a whole bunch of different lies you'd have to tell that would get unwieldy. An alternative that also was not presented but people are generally loath to bring up is to just bear through it. Take all the snide comments, interrogations and just deal with it for the day. Personally I'd rather be considered rude than do that personally, but if you don't want to do that and you don't want to cut off communication (i.e., not going at all), you're probably better off just sitting through it for the one day of the year and try not to let it get you too bummed out.

[WarKitty]

Hmm well if there's a whole bunch of different lies you'd have to tell that would get unwieldy. An alternative that also was not presented but people are generally loath to bring up is to just bear through it. Take all the snide comments, interrogations and just deal with it for the day. Personally I'd rather be considered rude than do that personally, but if you don't want to do that and you don't want to cut off communication (i.e., not going at all), you're probably better off just sitting through it for the one day of the year and try not to let it get you too bummed out.

It's more a question of, how do you put up with it in a way that doesn't get you looked at as either rude or irresponsible? I mean, if we were just talking about passively listening, that would be one thing. But I'm not comfortable telling lies all the time, and these sort of people expect answers to their questions, and you can't give them an acceptable answer without either being rude or lying.

[Gnome Alone]

I was gonna say "just sort of passively feign interest and give noncommital answers," but if they're seriously so overbearing that you feel like have to lie to answer or be rude to get out of answering, maybe just tell the truth? You could leave out the gendered pronouns if that's an issue. But holy crap, do you mean that certain answers will seem rude? Like if you say "well, not interested right now" that's gonna be a problem? Because damn, that is (if true) pretty disrespectful of the other person (i.e., you.)

Y'know, my ex-wife did a similar thing where she'd drag me into some argument I didn't want to have, and then I'd just go, "look, whatever you want," but no, it wasn't enough to win, she had to keep going and get me to agree with her too. Like, you'll sit here and talk to me until you say the right thing and for the right reasons! Barf to that.

Sorry about the tangent. But if they seriously can't handle "da troof," I'd be really tempted to just go, "Howzabout you climb out of my throat, Aunt Gertrude?"

[Chen]

Well people gave examples of redirecting the conversation, but if they're just going to respond with "you didn't answer my question" or something, you're going to get kinda stuck. As far as I can tell here you can a) Lie b) tell the truth c) ignore it. If you say that c) gets you labeled rude and you don't want that and you don't want to constantly lie, the only other option is to tell to the truth. Clearly if there's some amount of being labeled rude and some amount of lying you can do, then intersperse a) and c) as liberally as you can afford to.

Alternatively YOU could just start all the conversations and direct them to topics you feel are easier to discuss. Don't let them start on topics you're not comfortable with by you constantly starting things. Throw their rudeness back onto them if they try to interrupt or get away. Put yourself into the elder role and don't feel bad about telling someone who's interrupting you to behave themselves or to mind their manners. If you're familiar with the stuff they'll give you **** for, just pre-empt and give them **** for it first. If they start being hypocritical about it there's always the last resort of flipping the table over and running for it. Just make sure the exit strategy is sound before flipping though :P

[Aliquid]

But holy crap, do you mean that certain answers will seem rude? Like if you say "well, not interested right now" that's gonna be a problem? Because damn, that is (if true) pretty disrespectful of the other person (i.e., you.)
I'm guessing it isn't that. I'm thinking that the person asking the questions won't believe that answer. "What do you mean you are not interested. Of course you are interested, everyone is interested. What's really going on? Are you lying to yourself about this? Come on, get it out in the open, let me help"


Y'know, my ex-wife did a similar thing where she'd drag me into some argument I didn't want to have, and then I'd just go, "look, whatever you want," but no, it wasn't enough to win, she had to keep going and get me to agree with her too. Like, you'll sit here and talk to me until you say the right thing and for the right reasons! Barf to that.I've known people like that. Drives me crazy because they think they "won" the argument when you say that you agree... even though it is obvious that you "agreed" just to make them stop talking about it.

[Knaight]

I am going to say this much:

You aren't making it rude. Your relatives are the ones who've decided to be pushy and overbearing, who've decided to interpret not making nice as hostility, and who've decided that any answers off of their short list of acceptable ones constitute a reason to harangue. If you stop actively trying to keep the rudeness down and it blows up, it's on them. They put it there, you just didn't intercept it.

There's a certain power in just letting the awkward moment happen, with full knowledge that your sole contribution was not actively patching up the damage done by the conversation's other participants. Being curt is one way to do that, and it is entirely okay. It does tend to come with some amount of incoming fire from the family, but it might well be worth it.

[Anarion]

Considering the concern expressed here, there's always the possibility of cutting them off when they come up to you, saying "I dread Christmas every year because I am forced to listen to you" and walking away. :smallwink:

Though, I continue to recommend that reasonableness, politeness, and thoughtful exploration of the issues is a better thing to do than make people upset.

[OACSNY97]

What about "I haven't found the right person yet," when asked about dating?
If a follow up is needed add, "Since I need to focus on my {job, school work, health},* I don't feel like I'd be able to dedicate the time necessary to a good relationship." Then if necessary start talking shop about either job/school and how you hope this will lead to future income and happiness.

*choose which ever excuse best fits your situation.



It's more a question of, how do you put up with it in a way that doesn't get you looked at as either rude or irresponsible? I mean, if we were just talking about passively listening, that would be one thing. But I'm not comfortable telling lies all the time, and these sort of people expect answers to their questions, and you can't give them an acceptable answer without either being rude or lying.

[GolemsVoice]

What OACSNY97 said is solid advice. I'd also add, rom my experience, that taking the initiative to deflect questions before they arise can help greatly, too. So if you know a few people who are likely to start such conversations with you, engagege them and start asking questions yourself. If you know some topic they are passionate about but that isn't a minefield for you, try to lure them into it and just keep asking. They will get to talk about something that fascinates them, they will get the feeling that they have an avid and interested listener before them, and you might avoid the family inquisition that way. Also, being in a conversation with somebody protects you from all the other folks trying to probe you.

If that fails, as others said, stress the fact that you are really to busy to date because of [whatever] and you're waiting until you have the time to do it right. If your family is in any way like I imagine they are, they'll understand and maybe even approve.

[Starwulf]

Considering the concern expressed here, there's always the possibility of cutting them off when they come up to you, saying "I dread Christmas every year because I am forced to listen to you" and walking away. :smallwink:

Though, I continue to recommend that reasonableness, politeness, and thoughtful exploration of the issues is a better thing to do than make people upset.

While that is sound advice, sometimes, in some families, that just isn't possible. I invite you to go to one of my family reunions(or Warkitty's, they sound remarkably the same honestly) and see if you can stay just one hour without wanting to punch someone or storm off in a rage. There is a reason I firmly believe that Blood is NOT thicker then water and that family is who and where you make it, not what you are born with, and my family is the reason for that belief. I have exactly 1 uncle that I still talk to, and that's because my dad does his concrete companies tax books so he knows all about me and knows that 98% of what the rest of the family say about me isn't true.

[Anarion]

While that is sound advice, sometimes, in some families, that just isn't possible. I invite you to go to one of my family reunions(or Warkitty's, they sound remarkably the same honestly) and see if you can stay just one hour without wanting to punch someone or storm off in a rage. There is a reason I firmly believe that Blood is NOT thicker then water and that family is who and where you make it, not what you are born with, and my family is the reason for that belief. I have exactly 1 uncle that I still talk to, and that's because my dad does his concrete companies tax books so he knows all about me and knows that 98% of what the rest of the family say about me isn't true.

I accept both that there are some awful people in the world and that the context of a family gathering may make it extremely hard to explore difficult topics.

Nevertheless, I'm of the opinion that even the worst people have reasons and motivations for what they do and that, if one is artful enough, there are methods for exploring those things and addressing them. It may be that the level of skill required to explore those subjects is beyond possible for many people, though.

[WarKitty]

Well, part of the family blabbed to other family members about mental health and not working to other family members that are stupid abput such things, and I don't want to deal with the bigots but I don't want to not see anyone this year.

[BannedInSchool]

Shoot them with a spray bottle if they don't leave you alone?

[Starwulf]

I accept both that there are some awful people in the world and that the context of a family gathering may make it extremely hard to explore difficult topics.

Nevertheless, I'm of the opinion that even the worst people have reasons and motivations for what they do and that, if one is artful enough, there are methods for exploring those things and addressing them. It may be that the level of skill required to explore those subjects is beyond possible for many people, though.

Not JUST that, sometimes you just can't find it in yourself to be willing to be polite enough to bother. I hate, with a capital H 98% of my extended family. I wouldn't urinate on them if they were on fire, that is how low I think of them. When people are that awful, why should WE, the people they are awful to, be the ones to try to be polite and move things to a peaceful, polite, nice resolution? Sorry, I'm just not that nice of a person inside to be that forgiving to people who treated me like dirt, and probably still would if given the chance.

Of course, none of this helps Warkitty, as she, from what I've been able to discern, is stuck in some kind of limbo with this upcoming gathering. She apparently likes some, maybe even the majority of the people there, but just enough are there that she doesn't, and that group(whatever it's size) has the capability of ruining the whole thing for her, which sucks. I think she should go with others advice, and do her best to ignore them, and if they get to bad, if it won't cause to much of a scene, tell them upfront that she is tired of their probing and would appreciate it if they left her alone. Honestly I feel bad for her, at least in my case with my family, I hate the large majority of them and would never even consider going, and the ones that I do like I can go visit anytime I choose since they live nearby, while her family doesn't.

Please, let us know how it goes Warkitty, I hope things end up being ok for you in the end, no-one deserves to have a happy time ruined by a select group of people that can't stop from being obnoxious, prying idiots.

[Eldan]

While that is sound advice, sometimes, in some families, that just isn't possible. I invite you to go to one of my family reunions(or Warkitty's, they sound remarkably the same honestly) and see if you can stay just one hour without wanting to punch someone or storm off in a rage. There is a reason I firmly believe that Blood is NOT thicker then water and that family is who and where you make it, not what you are born with, and my family is the reason for that belief. I have exactly 1 uncle that I still talk to, and that's because my dad does his concrete companies tax books so he knows all about me and knows that 98% of what the rest of the family say about me isn't true.

I've never had any problems with my family, but my cousin's husband is, and there's no other way to say this, a gigantic ass. He has the remarkable talent to deeply insult anyone he meets within minutes of meeting them.

[Aedilred]

Well, part of the family blabbed to other family members about mental health and not working to other family members that are stupid abput such things, and I don't want to deal with the bigots but I don't want to not see anyone this year.

If they're not understanding about mental health issues the chances are they're probably fairly ignorant about them. So you could play up to expectations, whenever an uncomfortable topic is broached, by adopting a glazed expression, dribbling, and fiddling apparently compulsively with a box of matches. I'm sure they'd quickly learn to leave you alone.

I don't have any actually helpful suggestions, I'm afraid.

[Eldan]

If they're not understanding about mental health issues the chances are they're probably fairly ignorant about them. So you could play up to expectations, whenever an uncomfortable topic is broached, by adopting a glazed expression, dribbling, and fiddling apparently compulsively with a box of matches. I'm sure they'd quickly learn to leave you alone.

I don't have any actually helpful suggestions, I'm afraid.

Hehe. I did that in school for a few years when I was ten or so. Then I went to my father's library and read up on Freudian symbolism, just so I could memorize the most confusing possible dreams and children's drawings for the school psychologist. They all tended to find out pretty soon I was messing with them, but until I did, it was hilarious.

[ORione]

I haven't read the whole thread, so maybe someone's said something similar:

"I'll think about that. Hey, [relative], how's [relative's hobby] going?"

[Gnome Alone]

I haven't read the whole thread, so maybe someone's said something similar:

"I'll think about that. Hey, [relative], how's [relative's hobby] going?"

Apparently this is met with something like, "Hey! Answer the question!" hopefully without snapping the fingers in front of the eyes.

[Scarlet Knight]

I may have something I've done with my wife that worked for us and may work for you.

You can warn a trusted relative beforehand that you dread being trapped with relative x, y, or z. If they see you with them and you can give them a signal (ie take off your glasses) the close relative will come over with a "Hey Warkitty, sorry to interrupt but I need you in the kitchen" where you can politely escape.

[sktarq]

Avoid the discussions entirely by "being useful elsewhere"-large extended family-fuss over the little ones who are not old enough to understand about such conversation, help in the kitchen, mind the family drunk and "make sure they are not getting into trouble" find an out of the way place and go nuts over the hosts pet-claim to want to take them home.

Worst case-be family drunk for a night. Have a couple public drinks-say you are not feeling too well-toss in a snarky aside. Let them ask all they want about your non-existent drinking problem. . . Mention it comes up when people pry (since it is true) and let be known that because you care family events are super stressful and that makes you extra awkward. . .admittedly a worst case solution

[Jay R]

A lot of people are suggesting that you combine your refusal to talk and conversation-switch with an insult, direct or implied. I think that's a poor approach. Besides being rude and causing other potential problems, it doesn't tend to work.

I recommend that you combine your refusal to talk and conversation-switch with a compliment.

"When the right person comes along, I'll know it. I've seen how happy you and Uncle George have always been, and I refuse to settle for anything less. What have you two been up to this year?"

[Icewraith]

Be truthful.

For example, even if you have absolutely no interest in men right now, you can still say things like "I'll be interested if the right guy comes along". Things can change in the future, and for all you know it may turn out that you're neither lesbian nor straight, or even bi, you're simply a thatpersonsexual, whoever they end up being. Things can, but not necessarily will, change over time. "Lesbian" is a word that describes your current state, not a box you're stuck in forever once it applies to you. Hell, I can technically say "I'd be interested if the right guy came along" and not be lying even though I am a straight male. There potentially exists somewhere a guy who still flips all the switches related to attraction in my brain.

As long as your statements have temporal or probabilistic qualifiers, you're not lying as long as you honestly believe that your statements have a low, if nonzero, probability.

Also, you can speak the truth in more general statements.

"I'm not interested in dating right now"

"I've got some stuff to sort out in my own life first."

"I'm not ready for a relationship at the moment"

"I haven't met the right person yet."

"People who are actively looking for a mate usually put more stress and pressure on themselves, which actually hurts their chances of someone else finding them attractive. I'm going to relax and enjoy life for now, and if anyone notices me we'll see what happens."

"Nothing new on the relationship front. Where did you get that sweater?"

If someone uses the "plenty of fish in the sea" metaphor, you can always say "I've got a couple leaks in the boat I need to take care of first".

You can always fall back on
"It's been a rough year, I would rather talk about something else."

Don't be rude, just be firm. There are painful things that happened to you this year, this is supposed to be a happy time, so you don't want to talk about painful things. If you're old enough that not having a job is a concern, you're old enough to have some control over what you will and will not talk about in a conversation.

[enderlord99]

If the relative asking is male, say "What, are you volunteering{?}" with as much piled-on sarcasm in your voice as you can muster. Before they can respond, yell "Everyone? [name] is hitting on me! What a creepy pervert!" at the top of your lungs.

This likely won't solve any problems very effectively, but at least it will be fun.

[Jermz]

This link might be relevant. (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/22/awkward-family-questions_n_6367374.html?cps=gravity_2426_-8533411857178611898)

[Scarlet Knight]

Well, from an adult's point of view, the teen's pamphlet seems misguided. The question's she's being asked appear more like conversation starters than prying.

[Jermz]

You're right. But the basic idea is an interesting one. Not sure if it would float in WarKitty's family, but hey, if nothing else is working...