The. Worst. Joke. EVER. You have been warned.

[ReturnOfTheKing]

I am ashamed to say I came up with this myself.

OK, Frosty the Snowman is being hunted by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is playing the Terminator and Dr. Freeze at the same time.

While Frosty runs for his life, Arnold draws upon a freeze gun and fires, striking Frosty in the back. As Frosty slowly turns, he finds himself hardening as his snow is turned to ice.

Grinning, Arnold produces a pistol and prepares to shatter Frosty into a million pieces. He then utters this phrase:

"Frosta la vista, baby."


…excuse me while I go hide under a chair.

[Tvtyrant]

I am ashamed to say I came up with this myself.

OK, Frosty the Snowman is being hunted by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is playing the Terminator and Dr. Freeze at the same time.

While Frosty runs for his life, Arnold draws upon a freeze gun and fires, striking Frosty in the back. As Frosty slowly turns, he finds himself hardening as his snow is turned to ice.

Grinning, Arnold produces a pistol and prepares to shatter Frosty into a million pieces. He then utters this phrase:

"Frosta la vista, baby."


…excuse me while I go hide under a chair.

I love you. :smallwink:

[The Glyphstone]

Eh. I told this to a friend of mine, who works in a butcher shop making sausages. After I'd finished, he thought for a minute then said "Eh, I've heard wurst."

[the_druid_droid]

Best thread. Calling it now.

[enderlord99]

*waits for half-remembered story about a talking snake and a "end-the-human-race machine"*

[SowZ]

Here's one of mine I wrote about twelve years ago:


A lumberjack goes into the woods and finds a perfect tree. He raises his axe, then hears a voice.

"Wait, stop."

The lumberjack is puzzled, but readies himself for another swing.

"Please, don't," says the voice.

The woodcutter recognizes this to be the tree itself and is fascinated. He wonders how smart a talking tree is and, being a fan of riddles, asks it a fairly easy one. Quick as a wip, the tree gets it.

"Not too shabby," he says, "but here's a really challenging one."

Without even pausing to think, the tree answers correctly. Impressed, the lumberjack decides to ask it his legendary riddle. One of his own creation that no-one, not even the smartest folks he knows, has been able to guess. Just like the others, the tree solves it without skipping a beat.

Enraged, the woodcutter raises his axe. "Wait, what are you doing?" the tree pleads.

The lumberjack responds, "I want to stump you."

[golentan]

The Aristocrats.

[Roland St. Jude]

Not one of these again. Last time we had one of these threads, I posted ten different puns hoping at least one would win the thread. But no pun in ten did.

[Tvtyrant]

I think this (http://longestjokeintheworld.com/)is mandatory.

[enderlord99]

I think this (http://longestjokeintheworld.com/)is mandatory.

I half-remembered that.:smalltongue:

[golentan]

I think this (http://longestjokeintheworld.com/)is mandatory.

It is probably the worst joke I've ever read, which is why it's frustrating that people mention it as a great one in other threads.

[Tvtyrant]

It is probably the worst joke I've ever read, which is why it's frustrating that people mention it as a great one in other threads.

I rather enjoyed it when I first read it. I forgot it was a joke half-way through so when it came to the end I had a slow blink moment as my brain scrambled for purchase.

[SiuiS]

*waits for half-remembered story about a talking snake and a "end-the-human-race machine"*

Better Nate than lever.


It is probably the worst joke I've ever read, which is why it's frustrating that people mention it as a great one in other threads.

It's not a bad joke. As you've said, it's the weird "this is a personality test" thing that's stupid and makes no sense. The joke is neat though, just wish there were more world building.

[Solse]

This'll probably come in handy a *lot* in this thread. (instantrimshot.com/audio/rimshot.mp3)


*waits for half-remembered story about a talking snake and a "end-the-human-race machine"*

I still remember that one's punchline.

BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!

Even though it was very anticlimactic, it was a very good read with a good plot in my opinion.

[danzibr]

I like how a third of the posts are about th longest joke in the world :)

[Jaxzan Proditor]

So, great thread or best thread? :smallbiggrin:

[Killer Angel]

We could also open the dam of "A guy walks into a bar... "

[Ravens_cry]

I rather enjoyed it when I first read it. I forgot it was a joke half-way through so when it came to the end I had a slow blink moment as my brain scrambled for purchase.
Yeah, as a story, it could use some work, though it was all right.
It certainly made you care about the characters.
Not much of a joke, but I read it. I have a strange feeling I read it before.

[Duck999]

We could also open the dam of "A guy walks into a bar... "

"Ouch"

There are at least a few good walk into a bar jokes.


Not one of these again. Last time we had one of these threads, I posted ten different puns hoping at least one would win the thread. But no pun in ten did.

I would say you win the thread for that one, but the pun in the sentence is at the end. Normally you say no pun intended after saying the pun, not at the same time.

[Solse]

We could also open the dam of "A guy walks into a bar... "

Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!

A guy walks into a bar! He dies from the concussive impact.

[The Glyphstone]

We could also open the dam of "A guy walks into a bar... "

A guy walks into a BAR. He dies in a hail of machine-gun fire.

[Ravens_cry]

A man walks into a bar.
The hobbit walks under it.

[Maralais]

*waits for half-remembered story about a talking snake and a "end-the-human-race machine"*

Hey, I remember that one!

Better Nate than Lever.

Holy hell I should have read the others' comments before I wrote the same thing 1000th time.

[Nerd-o-rama]

A fish runs into a wall.

"Dam", he says.

[Benthesquid]

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two- one to hold the giraffe, the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored power tools.

Or, from Angel.

Two men walk into a bar. The first man orders a scotch and soda. The second man remembers something he'd forgotten, and it doubles him over with pain. He falls to the floor shaking and then through the floor into the earth. He looks back up at the first man, but he doesn't call out to him. They're not that close.

[Gnome Alone]

How many reference librarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well, what kind of lightbulb is it?

[Razanir]

I've heard worse.

Once there was a man who wanted to build a house. But being a bit eccentric, he wanted to use exactly 99 bricks. Unfortunately, the hardware store only sold them in groups of 100. He argued back and forth with a salesperson, because the store would not sell less than the full 100 bricks. Eventually, the man gave in and bought 100 bricks. He then went outside and threw the spare brick into the sky.

[Gnome Alone]

I don't get that one... is there some wordplay on "spare brick" that I'm missing?

Ooh! I remembered one of my own terrible jokes:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why do chickens do anything?

No one has ever laughed at that. Not even little kids.

[Traab]

A nun a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar, the bartender looks at them and goes, "What is this? A joke?"

[ReturnOfTheKing]

What have I done? :smalleek:

[Castaras]

*reads through thread*

I didn't deserve this kind of pun-ishment. :smalleek:

[Maryring]

I am ashamed to say I came up with this myself.

OK, Frosty the Snowman is being hunted by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is playing the Terminator and Dr. Freeze at the same time.

While Frosty runs for his life, Arnold draws upon a freeze gun and fires, striking Frosty in the back. As Frosty slowly turns, he finds himself hardening as his snow is turned to ice.

Grinning, Arnold produces a pistol and prepares to shatter Frosty into a million pieces. He then utters this phrase:

"Frosta la vista, baby."


…excuse me while I go hide under a chair.

I see. Frankly, judging from the cold reception this joke got, I think you've given it enough exposure. It's clearly out of its element. I'm sorry if I seem frigid, but I'm not intentionally cold. I'm just telling you that it seems like you're on thin ice. I really hope I haven't shattered your confidence. Critique can be such a slippery slope after all. But if you do agree that this joke is a little stiff, then let me know. I'll be back.

To help that is. :smallbiggrin:

[Emperordaniel]

I see. Frankly, judging from the cold reception this joke got, I think you've given it enough exposure. It's clearly out of its element. I'm sorry if I seem frigid, but I'm not intentionally cold. I'm just telling you that it seems like you're on thin ice. I really hope I haven't shattered your confidence. Critique can be such a slippery slope after all. But if you do agree that this joke is a little stiff, then let me know. I'll be back.

To help that is. :smallbiggrin:

That was rather chilly.

[Traab]

That was rather chilly.

I thought it was cool.

[Maryring]

I was worried people would think it's not so hot.

[Mystic Muse]

I don't get that one... is there some wordplay on "spare brick" that I'm missing?

Ooh! I remembered one of my own terrible jokes:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why do chickens do anything?

No one has ever laughed at that. Not even little kids.
I kinda laughed at it, honestly.

[Ravens_cry]

I got the question for this from Mad magazine, but I made up the answer.
What do you call five lawyers in a hot tub?
Soup!

[Razanir]

Once there was a man who wanted to build a house. But being a bit eccentric, he wanted to use exactly 99 bricks. Unfortunately, the hardware store only sold them in groups of 100. He argued back and forth with a salesperson, because the store would not sell less than the full 100 bricks. Eventually, the man gave in and bought 100 bricks. He then went outside and threw the spare brick into the sky.

Two ladies were flying on a plane. One had a dog and the other was smoking. The smoke from the cigarette made the dog start coughing, so its owner asked the other woman to stop. But instead of being reasonable and just not smoking on the flight, she demanded the dog's owner shut the dog up instead. This went back and forth for a while, until they agreed to just open the window and throw both the dog and the cigarette out of the plane. Of course, the dog's owner was smart and held onto the leash. So she pulled her dog back in, but the dog was holding something in its mouth. Guess what the dog was holding?

A brick!

[Maryring]

For that, you get a

http://i.imgur.com/AFkTE.png

[Tvtyrant]

A man decides to go to a carnival and invites his best friend. They have a great time and leave around midnight. The next day the cops come by and ask the man if he had been to the carnival the day before. He agrees that he has, and the police ask him to come down to the police station. He is informed that several of the carnival workers had gone missing the night before, and their devoured remains had been found that morning. Quick to protect himself the man informs them that he while he had gone, he had an alibi because he had invited his best friend. The police look aghast at this, and ask him why he would bring his best friend to a carnival. Puzzled, the man asks why this is a big deal.

"Son, don't you know that dogs are carnievores?"

Don't hate me.

[Neli42]

Not one of these again. Last time we had one of these threads, I posted ten different puns hoping at least one would win the thread. But no pun in ten did.
Ooh! Someone else is a Spider Robinson (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Callahan%27s_Crosstime_Saloon) fan!

[Antonok]

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It's a hardware problem.

A rope walk into bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
So the rope, upset but not beaten walks into the bathroom, ties himself into a knot and frays his ends. He then walks back up to the bartender and asks for a drink.
The bartender asks curiously, "Didn't I just see you here?" To which the rope replies, "Nope, I'm afraid not."

[Dire Moose]

Some jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two satellite dishes got married. The ceremony wasn't all that great, but the reception was amazing.

A hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

[Razanir]

What do you call a psychic dwarf who just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large

[Ravens_cry]

This just tickles something inside my brain.
***
How many Lojban (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lojban) users does it take to change a broken lightbulb?
One to figure out what to change it to and one to figure out what kind of bulb emits broken light.

[KerfuffleMach2]

Here's one I read in a newspaper at my grandpa's house many years ago.

Two guys were sitting at a bar towards the top of the Empire State Building. They had been there a while, and were a couple drinks past tipsy.

The first guy looks at the second and says, "Hey! Did you know, that if you jumped out this window, by the time you reached the tenth floor, the winds would be so intense, they'd just push ya right back in!?"

The second guy just shakes his head. "Uh-uh. Bullcrap."

So, the first guy smiles and shrugs. "Alright, I'll prove it to ya." He gets up, walks to the window, opens it, and dives right out. The second guy rushes over and watches him fall. And right when he gets to the tenth floor, he disappears.

A couple minutes later, the first guy step out of the elevator with a huge grin. The second guy stares at him in bewilderment. "I saw it...but...I don't belive it..."

The first guy shrugs, and dives out the window a second time. And sure enough, at the tenth floor, he disappears again.

When he returned, the second guy grinned this time. "Well, hell, if you can do it, so can I!" And then he dived out the window. He sailed down the length of the building, past the tenth floor, and hit the street.

At this point, the bartender looks at the first guy and says, "Ya know, Superman, you can be a real ******* when you're drunk."

[Krade]

Did you hear about the guy who got cooled to absolute zero?

He's OK now.

[enderlord99]

How many wrong punchlines does it take to screw in a lightbulb? To get to the other side.

[BannedInSchool]

This just tickles something inside my brain.
***
How many Lojban (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lojban) users does it take to change a broken lightbulb?
One to figure out what to change it to and one to figure out what kind of bulb emits broken light.
No, it's at least one to argue if you're committing malglico (being incorrectly English-like), one to say just use a fu'ivla (borrowed word) rather than create a new word nobody will know the meaning of, and one to argue that this is why part of the language definition is broken and to propose a change. :smallwink:

[Shadow of the Sun]

Okay, so a bunch of pioneers are making a trip through the American frontier; it's been a while, and the wagon is perilously low on supplies. They don't know what they're going to do- soon they'll have to turn back, but they want to punch through.

They're discussing this for a while, and finally they see a figure in the distance, sitting down at the base of a hill. They decide that hey, if he's around, maybe there's some supplies. He can't be living out her alone, right? So they take the wagon up to him.

To their surprise, it's a rabbi, pondering over a copy of the Torah. He's a little surprised when he sees the people, but he's quite friendly. After a bit of talk, they ask him if he has any food that they could have so they could continue their journey. The rabbi shakes his head.

"No, I am sorry, I do not. However, I have heard that on the other side of this hill, there is a bacon tree, which could fix your problem."

The pioneers are like, man, bacon tree- that's just what we need. It won't hold in the wagon that long, but they can gorge and then survive on short rations for the rest of the trip. They thank the rabbi for his help, and begin to move the wagon over the hill.

Within a minute of them getting to the other side of the hill, a bunch of Apache chargers come out of nowhere, and are on them, attacking them, trying to hurt them and steal their goods. One or two of the pioneers is wounded, but being lucky, they manage to run away back over the hill, albeit with their wagon forfeited to the Apaches.

They return to the rabbi, and angrily ask him what the hell was he doing? There wasn't a bacon-tree! There were just Apaches, who stole their wagon and completely ruined their attempt to make it across and found a new town.

The rabbi looks pensive for a moment, and puts down his scroll of the Torah, reaching into a bag at his side, opening it, reading for a minute or two. He puts it back into his bag, and turns to the pioneers, and says with great sorrow in his voice.


"Ah! I am very sorry! My English is not very good; I meant a ham-bush."

[Traab]

Ok, here we go, worst joke EVER!

You really dont want to know. Trust me, you really really dont.

The Aristocrats!

[Duck999]

The Aristocrats.


Ok, here we go, worst joke EVER!

You really dont want to know. Trust me, you really really dont.

The Aristocrats!

You are late to the party.

I just want to point out that some jokes in this thread are more cheesy than bad jokes.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!

A guy walks into a bar! He dies from the concussive impact.

In a similar vein.

A seal walks in to a club...

EDIT: Better bad joke I forgot.

A large group of international businessmen walk in to a swanky bar after a casual meeting. There's an American, a Russian, an Italian, a Swede, a German, an Egyptian, a South African, a Nigerian, a Mexican, a Brazilian, an Argentinian, an Australian, a Canadian, a Korean, and a Cambodian.

Despite having made reservations for their rather large party, the waiter refuses to seat them. When pressured, he responds.

(No suit, no Thai, no service.)

[Jeff the Green]

My playlist of sad songs is entitled "Cantaloupe Dog".

[Killer Angel]

(again about walking into a bar, and this needs a translation)

A man walks into a café. Splash.

(in Italy we use the same word, "caffè", for Café and Coffee)

[Excession]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

[Almarck]

I am ashamed to say I came up with this myself.

OK, Frosty the Snowman is being hunted by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is playing the Terminator and Dr. Freeze at the same time.

While Frosty runs for his life, Arnold draws upon a freeze gun and fires, striking Frosty in the back. As Frosty slowly turns, he finds himself hardening as his snow is turned to ice.

Grinning, Arnold produces a pistol and prepares to shatter Frosty into a million pieces. He then utters this phrase:

"Frosta la vista, baby."


…excuse me while I go hide under a chair.


Okay, the Frosty the Snowman bit was definitely all on you, but... was the Mister Freezinator bit the result of my bad influence?

I mean, I basically was the guy who tried to get around the "Arnie cannot play an ice villian" clause for that thread we're both in in the most hilarious way possible.

[Callin]

Anyone else have this episode go through their minds reading this thread?

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v98/speedyboris/tinytoons/henny16.jpg

[Duck999]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

OCD pain. It hurts to see an unanswered joke.:smallbiggrin:

[Amaril]

A bar walks into a man.

The bar says "wait, I think we're doing this backward".

The man says nothing, because he is now a red stain smeared across the pavement.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into the bar, but nothing they say or do will ever make this right.
What do you get if you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an unwilling agnostic?

A person who stays up all night mentally torturing themselves over the question of whether or not there is a dog.

[SiuiS]

Did you hear about the guy who got cooled to absolute zero?

He's OK now.

Ha!


My wife asked me to hand her some lipstick a few days ago but I accidentaly handed her a glue stick.
.....
She's still not talking to me
.

My da did that to my mum with her eye drops and superglue, once. I sometimes forget why I cut him out of my life, then I remember stuff like this.


My playlist of sad songs is entitled "Cantaloupe Dog".

Melon collie! :smallbiggrin:

[Kymme]

Why was the little boy crying?

Because he had a frog stapled to his face.

What do a mole and an eagle have in common?

They both live underground. Apart from the eagle, obviously.

[Anarion]

*ahem*

A man brings his dog into the vet's office. The dog isn't moving. He says "doctor, what's wrong with my dog?" The dog looks it over, thinks for a second, then goes in the back and brings out a cat. The cat paces around the dog a couple times, the dog does nothing. The vet says "sir your dog is dead."

A couple days later, the guy gets the veterinarian bill. It's $1010. He calls up the vet and asks why. "Oh, says the vet, it's $10 for the visit and $1,000 for the cat scan."

[Jeff the Green]

Melon collie! :smallbiggrin:

There's a reason nobody who knows me asks the meaning of my playlist names anymore. Or my Kindle folder titles. Or my bookmarks. :smallcool:

[Amaril]

What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

[Kymme]

What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

What is red and smells like blue paint?

Blue paint. Also, Anti-Jokes are my jam (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RePvIsMOhDU).

[Erloas]

So most of my jokes are situations so they don't really work anywhere.
But I think this one is at least good enough to mention.

So I ask one of my coworkers* "how many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?"
He asks how many, my response "I don't know, it still hasn't happened yet."

*context, this coworker is in charge of the electrical department and I've been asking him to get these bulbs changed for at least a couple weeks. And being union company only an electrician is allowed to change bulbs.

[Hiro Protagonest]

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

[Icewraith]

A Solipsist.

[Duck999]

What is red and smells like blue paint?

Blue paint. Also, Anti-Jokes are my jam (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RePvIsMOhDU).

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face?" The horse, unable to speak english, poops on the floor and leaves.

Also, what's the difference between a pig and a spoon?
A pig can't ride a bike.

[BannedInSchool]

Well if we're doing anti/meta-jokes...

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
@#$% you, you misogynist pig! :smallsmile:

[Icewraith]

Once, there was a duck.

It started running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running...

...and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running and running...
And then?

It stopped.

[Roland St. Jude]

This thread seems to have reached a plateau. Which is okay because that's the highest form of flattery.

[Amaril]

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick! :smallbiggrin:

[SowZ]

Well if we're doing anti/meta-jokes...

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
@#$% you, you misogynist pig! :smallsmile:

Oh, so you automatically assume the dumb blondes are women, huh?

[Emperordaniel]

This thread seems to have reached a plateau. Which is okay because that's the highest form of flattery.

Are you sure we haven't reached the summit yet?

[SowZ]

Are you sure we haven't reached the summit yet?

Eh, I feel like the thread really peaked on page 2.

[roko10]

How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

[Maralais]

Oh, so you automatically assume the dumb blondes are women, huh?

He did say blonde and not blond.

[roko10]

An second one:

Past, Present and Future walk into a bar.

When they left, the bartender said:


"Whew, the mood was tense when they were here!"

[SowZ]

He did say blonde and not blond.

What if they were anthropomorphic beers?

[SiuiS]

How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

That'll confuse just about everyone, really. Except maybe spiderman.


What if they were anthropomorphic beers?

Doesn't change the situation that much. Beers aren't known for their intelligence.

[Tvtyrant]

Doesn't change the situation that much. Beers aren't known for their intelligence.

But great beers always have a good head...

[SiuiS]

But great beers always have a good head...

No shoulders, though. Besides, we Americans wouldn't know a great beer if it conquered most of Eurasia and ran elephants through a mountain range after cutting a prophetic knot.

[enderlord99]

No shoulders, though. Besides, we Americans wouldn't know a great beer if it conquered most of Eurasia and ran elephants through a mountain range after cutting a prophetic knot.

I don't know whether I'd be able to recognize a Jewish architect (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Beer) or not. Probably not.

[Jeff the Green]

No shoulders, though. Besides, we Americans wouldn't know a great beer if it conquered most of Eurasia and ran elephants through a mountain range after cutting a prophetic knot.

Speak for your own region.

[Winterwind]

This probably works best when told, not read (ideally, told in a progressively slower and more drawn-out voice), but, I'll try anyway. :smalltongue:

So one day, an adventurer rides up to the king's castle. He reaches the outer gate and is stopped by a guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the door to the inner chambers and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, stands before the king, looks firmly up at him and demands:

"Yo, king! Gimme your daughter!"
The king looks down at him for a while, thinks, and replies:
"Well... I can't give you my daughter just like that! You'll have to do something for me first. I want you to bring me a bag of sand and a bucket of water."
The knight ponders this, decides that it's only fair, nods, and leaves the castle.

He reaches the door of the inner chambers and is stopped by a guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the outer gate and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes and leaves the castle.

Only then does he realize that he forgot to bring a bag with him. So he turns around and goes back into the castle.
He reaches the outer gate and is stopped by a guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the door to the inner chambers and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes and reaches the inner of the castle, where he picks up an empty bag and leaves the castle again.

He reaches the door of the inner chambers and is stopped by a guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the outer gate and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes and leaves the castle.

After searching briefly he finds a spot where there's sand, fills up his bag with it and goes back to the castle.
He reaches the outer gate and is stopped by a guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the door to the inner chambers and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, stands before the king, deposits the bag of sand in front of him and says:

"Yo, king! Here's your bag of sand; now gimme your daughter!"
The king looks down at him and the bag of sand and says:
"Well, you have brought me the bag of sand... but you still need to bring me a bucket of water!"
The knight pouts, but nods, turns around, and proceeds to leave the castle to fetch the bucket of water.

He reaches the door of the inner chambers and is stopped by a guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the outer gate and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?" (That's some seriously forgetful guards, by the way, aren't they?)
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes and leaves the castle.

Only then does he realize that he forgot to bring a bucket with him (so, the knight's not any better than the guards!). So he turns around and goes back into the castle.
He reaches the outer gate and is stopped by a guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the door to the inner chambers and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes and reaches the inner of the castle, where he picks up an empty bucket and leaves the castle again.

He reaches the door of the inner chambers and is stopped by a guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the outer gate and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes and leaves the castle.

After searching briefly he finds a little lake, fills up his bucket with water, and goes back to the castle.
He reaches the outer gate and is stopped by a guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the inner gate and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, reaches the door to the inner chambers and is stopped by another guard.
"Halt! Who are you?"
- "I am the white knight on the black horse!"
So the guard lets him through. He passes, stands before the king, deposits the bucket of water in front of him and says:

"Yo, king! Here's your bucket of water; now gimme your daughter!"
The king looks down at him and the bucket of water and says:
"Well...
You have now brought me the bag of sand...
...and the bucket of water...
But...
You see...
I don't have a daughter!"


I know an even worse one of that type, but that one would translate even worse into writing, it pretty much has to be told. :smallcool:

[Duck999]

I know an even worse one of that type, but that one would translate even worse into writing, it pretty much has to be told. :smallcool:

Does it have to do with a donkey referred to as an ass going up and down mountains infinitely?

[Tvtyrant]

Does it have to do with a donkey referred to as an ass going up and down mountains infinitely?

You have inspired me!

Shelten lived in a light house, and he hated climbing the stairs each day. He bought a donkey to carry him up, but it was scared of the lighthouse lighy and would flee when it got to the top. Shelten would be carried back down the stairs and would have to start all over again. Finally, fed up with it, Shelten made the donkey walk up the stairs backwards so it would not see the light. One day Shelten was drinking in his lighthouse with his friend Mitch. They ran out of scotch and Shelten began to ride his donkey back down the stairs. The donkey suddenly had a heart attack and died, head pointed down the stairs. Shelten and Mitch now had to carry the donkey down the stairs and Shelten shook his head and said "This is ass backwards."

[Winterwind]

Does it have to do with a donkey referred to as an ass going up and down mountains infinitely?Not exactly. :smallbiggrin:

Here's basically how it goes, though, again, this one really should be told for full effect; also, I don't feel like typing it out properly (that is, pages and pages and pages long), so, this is more of a demonstration of the principle. I'll put comments and instructions on how this is to be told when telling it verbally in blue italic.
Once upon a time, a son was born to a couple. They named him John (the way it was told to me originally, Hans, but I'm already translating the whole rest of the joke, so, whatever, John it is now.), and were very happy. So happy, in fact, that when John turned three, and could finally talk a little, they asked him:
"John. Our son. For your third birthday, what gift would you wish for?" (this is to be said slowly, accentuating each sentence, in a solemn voice)
John replied:
"I wish for three little yellow balls!" (this is to be said even more slowly, accentuating every single word and drawing out every single vowel, pretty much as long as you please, kind of the way children sometimes do, with changing pitch - IIIiiiiIII wiii-iii-iii-iii-iiish fooooooooooor...)
The parents were surprised, thought to themselves, "Eh, whatever, what strange ideas our son has!", and decided to buy him something more normal instead. So he got a teddybear. He loved that teddybear; but sadly, it was not three little yellow balls.

With five, John went to kindergarden. On this occassion, the parents decided to give him a special gift, so they asked him:
"John. Our son. On the occassion of going to kindergarden, what gift would you wish for?" (Keep the style for the person offering a gift to John and for John himself basically the same, adjusting only a little for John's age and the person asking respectively)
John replied:
"I wish for three little yellow balls!"
The parents sighed, thought, "Sheesh, our son sure is obsessed with those three little yellow balls!", and decided to buy him a little bike with extra wheels instead. John took the little bike, but he wasn't quite happy; he really had wanted those three little yellow balls!

With seven, John went to school. His grandparents came, too, to see him off on this occassion, and together with his parents, they asked him:
"John. Our son. Our grandson. On the occassion of going to school, what gift would you wish for?"
John replied:
"I wish for three little yellow balls!"
The parents and grandparents rolled their eyes, "Darn, John is insane!"; and got him a set of Legos instead. John liked playing with the Legos; but they were no three little yellow balls.

(Insert an arbitrary amount of steps here. It can be anything - good grades, other birthdays, winning competitions, getting onto sports teams, graduating from school, enrolling at university, graduating from that, becoming a warhero, developing a cure for cancer, marrying, getting children, whatever you can think of. On every step, have the people - and make sure to keep the list of people offering a gift growing longer and longer (make sure to always mention all of them, both when they make the offer and when they are irritated by John's response), which also means making the list of titles by which they address John longer and longer (again, make sure to always say all of them). Naturally, John always wants three little yellow balls, and naturally, he always ends up getting something else. As John grows older, you may briefly make his statements a little more brief, less drawn out and less obnoxious; this is to lull the people into a false sense of security, when he actually grows old and you start drawing it out more again - much, much more, in fact. By the end, if you need less than half a minute for the sentence "I wish for three little yellow balls!", you are doing it wrong!

The person who told me this "joke", for the record, took something like 40 or so minutes for it. May have been more. Definitely not less.

It ends with:)
John is a hundred-and-seven years old, and lying on his deathbed. Around him have gathered his wife, his siblings, his children, his grandchildren, his great-grandchildren, his nephews, his cousins, his friends, his students, his soldiers, the citizens of his town, [...], and look at him with sadness. They ask him:
"John. My husband. Our brother. Our father. Our grandfather. Our great-grandfather. Our uncle. Our cousin. Our friend. Professor. Captain. Mayor. Warhero. Oldest cititen. Noble-Prize Winner. [...]. Before you die; please, tell us just this one thing. What did you want those three little yellow balls for all this time?"
John, incredibly wearily, slowly pushes himself up a little, coughs, looks around, and wheezes:
I...
...wanted...
...three...
...little...
...yellow...
...balls...
...because...
URGH! *dies*

If you should decide to tell this one to anybody, I want it clear that I am not taking any responsibility for you being beaten to death. :smalltongue:

[Duck999]

I will give a brief rundown of the donkey because telling the joke may infringe the forum rules, so I will be brief.

You begin by talking, saying

There once was this merchant and his donkey going to a city. They went up a mountain and down a mountain. Up a mountain. Down a mountain The donkey stops and says are we there yet? The man responds to his donkey, saying patience ass, patience. This is repeated again and again and again until the person listening to the joke gets in patient and asks you to skip to the punchline at that point you say exactly what the man says to the donkey.

[Cyber Punk]

Hi everyone, my first post ever (apart from the Welcome thread).

On topic: I just read the better nate than lever joke. My head hurts.

[SiuiS]

Speak for your own region.

Do you drink your beer cold? If so, I've got news for you~


Hi everyone, my first post ever (apart from the Welcome thread).

On topic: I just read the better nate than lever joke. My head hurts.

You're welcome! :smallbiggrin:

[Jeff the Green]

Do you drink your beer cold? If so, I've got news for you~

It's a common misconception that when beer folk say "don't drink beer cold" they mean "drink beer at room temperature". It really means "don't drink it at fridge temp." Different beers should be served at different temperatures, from light beers like pilsners, hefeweizen, and Belgian whites that should be served just a hair above 40° F (most fridges and taps are set to about 37° F) to stouts that should be served around 50-55° F. Very dark stouts, porters, and barley wines belong at room temperature or barely below. That's why, for instance, warmish beer is fairly common in Britain (to the point where they serve even lighter beers much warmer than literally anywhere else does) but not so much in Germany, and why you rarely see a winter lager or a summer porter.

And yes, if you went to most of the good pubs, brewpubs, and tap houses around here you'd get something around those temperatures, though still generally colder than I like.

[Hiro Protagonest]

I will give a brief rundown of the donkey because telling the joke may infringe the forum rules, so I will be brief.

You begin by talking, saying

There once was this merchant and his donkey going to a city. They went up a mountain and down a mountain. Up a mountain. Down a mountain The donkey stops and says are we there yet? The man responds to his donkey, saying patience ass, patience. This is repeated again and again and again until the person listening to the joke gets in patient and asks you to skip to the punchline at that point you say exactly what the man says to the donkey.
This seems like people could catch on to what will happen, so I've gotta say that Winterwind's takes the cake for worst joke ever.

Not exactly. :smallbiggrin:

Here's basically how it goes, though, again, this one really should be told for full effect; also, I don't feel like typing it out properly (that is, pages and pages and pages long), so, this is more of a demonstration of the principle. I'll put comments and instructions on how this is to be told when telling it verbally in blue italic.
Once upon a time, a son was born to a couple. They named him John (the way it was told to me originally, Hans, but I'm already translating the whole rest of the joke, so, whatever, John it is now.), and were very happy. So happy, in fact, that when John turned three, and could finally talk a little, they asked him:
"John. Our son. For your third birthday, what gift would you wish for?" (this is to be said slowly, accentuating each sentence, in a solemn voice)
John replied:
"I wish for three little yellow balls!" (this is to be said even more slowly, accentuating every single word and drawing out every single vowel, pretty much as long as you please, kind of the way children sometimes do, with changing pitch - IIIiiiiIII wiii-iii-iii-iii-iiish fooooooooooor...)
The parents were surprised, thought to themselves, "Eh, whatever, what strange ideas our son has!", and decided to buy him something more normal instead. So he got a teddybear. He loved that teddybear; but sadly, it was not three little yellow balls.

With five, John went to kindergarden. On this occassion, the parents decided to give him a special gift, so they asked him:
"John. Our son. On the occassion of going to kindergarden, what gift would you wish for?" (Keep the style for the person offering a gift to John and for John himself basically the same, adjusting only a little for John's age and the person asking respectively)
John replied:
"I wish for three little yellow balls!"
The parents sighed, thought, "Sheesh, our son sure is obsessed with those three little yellow balls!", and decided to buy him a little bike with extra wheels instead. John took the little bike, but he wasn't quite happy; he really had wanted those three little yellow balls!

With seven, John went to school. His grandparents came, too, to see him off on this occassion, and together with his parents, they asked him:
"John. Our son. Our grandson. On the occassion of going to school, what gift would you wish for?"
John replied:
"I wish for three little yellow balls!"
The parents and grandparents rolled their eyes, "Darn, John is insane!"; and got him a set of Legos instead. John liked playing with the Legos; but they were no three little yellow balls.

(Insert an arbitrary amount of steps here. It can be anything - good grades, other birthdays, winning competitions, getting onto sports teams, graduating from school, enrolling at university, graduating from that, becoming a warhero, developing a cure for cancer, marrying, getting children, whatever you can think of. On every step, have the people - and make sure to keep the list of people offering a gift growing longer and longer (make sure to always mention all of them, both when they make the offer and when they are irritated by John's response), which also means making the list of titles by which they address John longer and longer (again, make sure to always say all of them). Naturally, John always wants three little yellow balls, and naturally, he always ends up getting something else. As John grows older, you may briefly make his statements a little more brief, less drawn out and less obnoxious; this is to lull the people into a false sense of security, when he actually grows old and you start drawing it out more again - much, much more, in fact. By the end, if you need less than half a minute for the sentence "I wish for three little yellow balls!", you are doing it wrong!

The person who told me this "joke", for the record, took something like 40 or so minutes for it. May have been more. Definitely not less.

It ends with:)
John is a hundred-and-seven years old, and lying on his deathbed. Around him have gathered his wife, his siblings, his children, his grandchildren, his great-grandchildren, his nephews, his cousins, his friends, his students, his soldiers, the citizens of his town, [...], and look at him with sadness. They ask him:
"John. My husband. Our brother. Our father. Our grandfather. Our great-grandfather. Our uncle. Our cousin. Our friend. Professor. Captain. Mayor. Warhero. Oldest cititen. Noble-Prize Winner. [...]. Before you die; please, tell us just this one thing. What did you want those three little yellow balls for all this time?"
John, incredibly wearily, slowly pushes himself up a little, coughs, looks around, and wheezes:
I...
...wanted...
...three...
...little...
...yellow...
...balls...
...because...
URGH! *dies*

If you should decide to tell this one to anybody, I want it clear that I am not taking any responsibility for you being beaten to death. :smalltongue:

Truly awful. :smallbiggrin:

[SiuiS]

It's a common misconception that when beer folk say "don't drink beer cold" they mean "drink beer at room temperature". It really means "don't drink it at fridge temp." Different beers should be served at different temperatures, from light beers like pilsners, hefeweizen, and Belgian whites that should be served just a hair above 40° F (most fridges and taps are set to about 37° F) to stouts that should be served around 50-55° F. Very dark stouts, porters, and barley wines belong at room temperature or barely below. That's why, for instance, warmish beer is fairly common in Britain (to the point where they serve even lighter beers much warmer than literally anywhere else does) but not so much in Germany, and why you rarely see a winter lager or a summer porter.

And yes, if you went to most of the good pubs, brewpubs, and tap houses around here you'd get something around those temperatures, though still generally colder than I like.

Then I have misspoke, and truly your knowledge is enough that I cannot pass judgement. Be at peace brother, and know I have been shown my place. =)

[Lheticus]

I don't get that one... is there some wordplay on "spare brick" that I'm missing?

I don't think his joke is finished yet...said the dingbat who forgot to check for more pages.

[Jeff the Green]

Then I have misspoke, and truly your knowledge is enough that I cannot pass judgement. Be at peace brother, and know I have been shown my place. =)

Peace and good malt upon you as well, sister. :smalltongue:

[Zmeoaice]

{ scrubbed }

[Kymme]

There are three men in a boat in the middle of the ocean. They have four cigarettes, but no way to light them. No matches, nothing. So what do they do?

They drop one cigarette in the ocean and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

[SirKazum]

Man, I knew the one with the three yellow balls. Except it was just one ball in the version I knew. Was just trying to remember it when you posted... good times.

And I read every single word of every single line of the "white knight on the black horse" story... that felt necessary to me, for the joke to keep its authenticity :smalltongue:

[YossarianLives]

This is one I made myself. It's my pride and joy...

What do you call a crackhouse in a tall building?


A Highrise:smallcool:

[Maryring]

This thread should probably look at this (http://www.smbc-comics.com/?id=2178#comic) comic.

[Scarlet Knight]

Ok, a favorite D&D joke:

An orc walks into a Lizardman bar. He notices there are hunks of meat hanging from the ceiling and asks the bartender about them.

"Oh," say the Lizardman, "That's a traditional contest we have. If you can leap up, snatch a piece of flesh from the ceiling and pull it down, you drink free all night. If you can't, you buy the house a round. Care to give it a try?"

The orc looks up at the meat, then slowly shakes his head. "Nah. The steaks are too high."

[ReturnOfTheKing]

This, (http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2012/12/16) this, (http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2013/10/06)this (http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2013/12/29) and every other Pearls Before Swine comic ever written. I look forward to hearing the groans.

[SiuiS]

virus or malware from the first link, strangely. Likely an ad on the page.

[ReturnOfTheKing]

virus or malware from the first link, strangely. Likely an ad on the page.

Aw, crumbs :smallfrown:

Sorry about that, I'll remove the link.

[Lheticus]

Not exactly. :smallbiggrin:

Here's basically how it goes, though, again, this one really should be told for full effect; also, I don't feel like typing it out properly (that is, pages and pages and pages long), so, this is more of a demonstration of the principle. I'll put comments and instructions on how this is to be told when telling it verbally in blue italic.
Once upon a time, a son was born to a couple. They named him John (the way it was told to me originally, Hans, but I'm already translating the whole rest of the joke, so, whatever, John it is now.), and were very happy. So happy, in fact, that when John turned three, and could finally talk a little, they asked him:
"John. Our son. For your third birthday, what gift would you wish for?" (this is to be said slowly, accentuating each sentence, in a solemn voice)
John replied:
"I wish for three little yellow balls!" (this is to be said even more slowly, accentuating every single word and drawing out every single vowel, pretty much as long as you please, kind of the way children sometimes do, with changing pitch - IIIiiiiIII wiii-iii-iii-iii-iiish fooooooooooor...)
The parents were surprised, thought to themselves, "Eh, whatever, what strange ideas our son has!", and decided to buy him something more normal instead. So he got a teddybear. He loved that teddybear; but sadly, it was not three little yellow balls.

With five, John went to kindergarden. On this occassion, the parents decided to give him a special gift, so they asked him:
"John. Our son. On the occassion of going to kindergarden, what gift would you wish for?" (Keep the style for the person offering a gift to John and for John himself basically the same, adjusting only a little for John's age and the person asking respectively)
John replied:
"I wish for three little yellow balls!"
The parents sighed, thought, "Sheesh, our son sure is obsessed with those three little yellow balls!", and decided to buy him a little bike with extra wheels instead. John took the little bike, but he wasn't quite happy; he really had wanted those three little yellow balls!

With seven, John went to school. His grandparents came, too, to see him off on this occassion, and together with his parents, they asked him:
"John. Our son. Our grandson. On the occassion of going to school, what gift would you wish for?"
John replied:
"I wish for three little yellow balls!"
The parents and grandparents rolled their eyes, "Darn, John is insane!"; and got him a set of Legos instead. John liked playing with the Legos; but they were no three little yellow balls.

(Insert an arbitrary amount of steps here. It can be anything - good grades, other birthdays, winning competitions, getting onto sports teams, graduating from school, enrolling at university, graduating from that, becoming a warhero, developing a cure for cancer, marrying, getting children, whatever you can think of. On every step, have the people - and make sure to keep the list of people offering a gift growing longer and longer (make sure to always mention all of them, both when they make the offer and when they are irritated by John's response), which also means making the list of titles by which they address John longer and longer (again, make sure to always say all of them). Naturally, John always wants three little yellow balls, and naturally, he always ends up getting something else. As John grows older, you may briefly make his statements a little more brief, less drawn out and less obnoxious; this is to lull the people into a false sense of security, when he actually grows old and you start drawing it out more again - much, much more, in fact. By the end, if you need less than half a minute for the sentence "I wish for three little yellow balls!", you are doing it wrong!

The person who told me this "joke", for the record, took something like 40 or so minutes for it. May have been more. Definitely not less.

It ends with:)
John is a hundred-and-seven years old, and lying on his deathbed. Around him have gathered his wife, his siblings, his children, his grandchildren, his great-grandchildren, his nephews, his cousins, his friends, his students, his soldiers, the citizens of his town, [...], and look at him with sadness. They ask him:
"John. My husband. Our brother. Our father. Our grandfather. Our great-grandfather. Our uncle. Our cousin. Our friend. Professor. Captain. Mayor. Warhero. Oldest cititen. Noble-Prize Winner. [...]. Before you die; please, tell us just this one thing. What did you want those three little yellow balls for all this time?"
John, incredibly wearily, slowly pushes himself up a little, coughs, looks around, and wheezes:
I...
...wanted...
...three...
...little...
...yellow...
...balls...
...because...
URGH! *dies*

If you should decide to tell this one to anybody, I want it clear that I am not taking any responsibility for you being beaten to death. :smalltongue:

Oh geez. With the beaten to death thing I can just picture Sheldon Cooper in such an act of murder after hearing this. I'm in awe.

[ReturnOfTheKing]

Oh geez. With the beaten to death thing I can just picture Sheldon Cooper in such an act of murder after hearing this. I'm in awe.

Agreed, that may have been one of the most amazing jokes I ever heard! You should be proud! Or ashamed :smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin:

[BenbaBoffin3025]

In Summery:

The Wurst is yet to come.
You're a real Brick.
Dog gone it, this is great!
I'm really having a Ball.
And......

(I expect Cold responses)

You have set the Bar really high.:smallsmile:

[Eldritch Knight]

I had to drop out of Communism class.


I had lousy Marx.

[Erloas]

This isn't a joke but this seems like the best thread for it as it doesn't seem like being worthy of a thread on its own.

My girlfriend and I have been sending riddles back and forth for a while. I finally wrote my own instead of just looking one up and she had a hard time with it, I want to see how others do with it.

My path was laid out in front of me,
and taking it I build countries and empires.
I once ruled the land,
and lived off the remains of the mightiest of creatures.
Now my kin are all but gone,
my descendants live on but not in the glory that I did.

I took a few liberties with some parts, but it all works. A bit of that seems to be the trick to most good riddles.

[SirKazum]

This isn't a joke but this seems like the best thread for it as it doesn't seem like being worthy of a thread on its own.

My girlfriend and I have been sending riddles back and forth for a while. I finally wrote my own instead of just looking one up and she had a hard time with it, I want to see how others do with it.

My path was laid out in front of me,
and taking it I build countries and empires.
I once ruled the land,
and lived off the remains of the mightiest of creatures.
Now my kin are all but gone,
my descendants live on but not in the glory that I did.

I took a few liberties with some parts, but it all works. A bit of that seems to be the trick to most good riddles.

Trains? Have fixed "paths" laid before them? Instrumental to building large countries/empires? Fueled by coal, which (like most fossil fuels) is partly the remains of dinosaurs? Rarely used now, and no longer as glamorous as they once were?

Edit: I guess it works as long as you're specifically talking about steam-powered trains ("now my kin are all but gone").

[Erloas]

Trains? Have fixed "paths" laid before them? Instrumental to building large countries/empires? Fueled by coal, which (like most fossil fuels) is partly the remains of dinosaurs? Rarely used now, and no longer as glamorous as they once were?

Edit: I guess it works as long as you're specifically talking about steam-powered trains ("now my kin are all but gone").

yep, I was specifically looking at steam locomotives.

[Thrawn4]

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.


There are 10 way to write a program. A right one and a false one.


And... (why haven't we started these ones already?
Knock knock.

[Mx.Silver]

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but good luck getting them in there.


This isn't a joke but this seems like the best thread for it as it doesn't seem like being worthy of a thread on its own.


Oh, are we allowing riddles too?


A donkey has grazed all the best grass from its field, but is still hungry. The field across from it has lush grass, that the donkey would like to eat, however separating to two field is a river. The river is too wide to jump across, to deep to wade and the current is too strong for the donkey to swim across it. There is no bridge, nor any stepping stones, and there is no raft or boat the donkey could take, even if it was able to.

How can the donkey get across?




So did the donkey

[SirKazum]

How can the donkey get across?

By going to achurch!

[Eldan]

Not exactly. :smallbiggrin:

Here's basically how it goes, though, again, this one really should be told for full effect; also, I don't feel like typing it out properly (that is, pages and pages and pages long), so, this is more of a demonstration of the principle. I'll put comments and instructions on how this is to be told when telling it verbally in blue italic.
Once upon a time, a son was born to a couple. They named him John (the way it was told to me originally, Hans, but I'm already translating the whole rest of the joke, so, whatever, John it is now.), and were very happy. So happy, in fact, that when John turned three, and could finally talk a little, they asked him:
"John. Our son. For your third birthday, what gift would you wish for?" (this is to be said slowly, accentuating each sentence, in a solemn voice)
John replied:
"I wish for three little yellow balls!" (this is to be said even more slowly, accentuating every single word and drawing out every single vowel, pretty much as long as you please, kind of the way children sometimes do, with changing pitch - IIIiiiiIII wiii-iii-iii-iii-iiish fooooooooooor...)
The parents were surprised, thought to themselves, "Eh, whatever, what strange ideas our son has!", and decided to buy him something more normal instead. So he got a teddybear. He loved that teddybear; but sadly, it was not three little yellow balls.

With five, John went to kindergarden. On this occassion, the parents decided to give him a special gift, so they asked him:
"John. Our son. On the occassion of going to kindergarden, what gift would you wish for?" (Keep the style for the person offering a gift to John and for John himself basically the same, adjusting only a little for John's age and the person asking respectively)
John replied:
"I wish for three little yellow balls!"
The parents sighed, thought, "Sheesh, our son sure is obsessed with those three little yellow balls!", and decided to buy him a little bike with extra wheels instead. John took the little bike, but he wasn't quite happy; he really had wanted those three little yellow balls!

With seven, John went to school. His grandparents came, too, to see him off on this occassion, and together with his parents, they asked him:
"John. Our son. Our grandson. On the occassion of going to school, what gift would you wish for?"
John replied:
"I wish for three little yellow balls!"
The parents and grandparents rolled their eyes, "Darn, John is insane!"; and got him a set of Legos instead. John liked playing with the Legos; but they were no three little yellow balls.

(Insert an arbitrary amount of steps here. It can be anything - good grades, other birthdays, winning competitions, getting onto sports teams, graduating from school, enrolling at university, graduating from that, becoming a warhero, developing a cure for cancer, marrying, getting children, whatever you can think of. On every step, have the people - and make sure to keep the list of people offering a gift growing longer and longer (make sure to always mention all of them, both when they make the offer and when they are irritated by John's response), which also means making the list of titles by which they address John longer and longer (again, make sure to always say all of them). Naturally, John always wants three little yellow balls, and naturally, he always ends up getting something else. As John grows older, you may briefly make his statements a little more brief, less drawn out and less obnoxious; this is to lull the people into a false sense of security, when he actually grows old and you start drawing it out more again - much, much more, in fact. By the end, if you need less than half a minute for the sentence "I wish for three little yellow balls!", you are doing it wrong!

The person who told me this "joke", for the record, took something like 40 or so minutes for it. May have been more. Definitely not less.

It ends with:)
John is a hundred-and-seven years old, and lying on his deathbed. Around him have gathered his wife, his siblings, his children, his grandchildren, his great-grandchildren, his nephews, his cousins, his friends, his students, his soldiers, the citizens of his town, [...], and look at him with sadness. They ask him:
"John. My husband. Our brother. Our father. Our grandfather. Our great-grandfather. Our uncle. Our cousin. Our friend. Professor. Captain. Mayor. Warhero. Oldest cititen. Noble-Prize Winner. [...]. Before you die; please, tell us just this one thing. What did you want those three little yellow balls for all this time?"
John, incredibly wearily, slowly pushes himself up a little, coughs, looks around, and wheezes:
I...
...wanted...
...three...
...little...
...yellow...
...balls...
...because...
URGH! *dies*

If you should decide to tell this one to anybody, I want it clear that I am not taking any responsibility for you being beaten to death. :smalltongue:

My father once told me that one when I was about, oh, five, six. Only the balls were pink. I loved it, personally.

[Mx.Silver]

By going to achurch!

Well played sir.

[Rodin]

My favorite lawyer joke of all time:

A truck driver is driving down the highway. Every so often, he'll come across a lawyer walking by the side of the road. Whenever he sees one, he veers onto the shoulder and runs them down!

As he's driving along, he sees a priest walking along. He pulls over and offers the priest a lift, which the priest gratefully accepts. He keeps driving and starts chatting with the priest about life on the road and the priest in turn tells him about the day to day life in the parish.

Then it happens - the truck driver sees a lawyer on the side of the road. He instinctively veers onto the shoulder to try and run him down. At the last second, he realizes he still has the priest in the cab with him! Panicking, he veers out of the way and barely misses the lawyer.

The truck driver begins apologizing profusely. "I'm so sorry, Father, I almost hit that lawyer!"

The Priest says: "Oh, my son, don't worry about it."

"I got him with the door!"

[Solse]

My father once told me that one when I was about, oh, five, six. Only the balls were pink. I loved it, personally.

The one I heard was pink ping pong balls (and more than three). The father actually gave him the pink ping pong balls, too, but the joke remains the same essentially.

[Nai_Calus]

Why do mules always have problems with getting things done?

They do everything half-assed.

Why was the young mule sad?

Because his father was an ass and his mother was always horsing around.

[Tridax]

A bear is walking in the forest.

He sees a burning car.

He gets in the car and burns to death.


...That's Russian humor for you guys.

[Hyena]

A bear is walking in the forest.

He sees a burning car.

He gets in the car and burns to death.

I still smile every time I hear this one. On the matter of jokes...

What is a staff compared to a spear?

A pointless weapon.

[jbello18]

*waits for half-remembered story about a talking snake and a "end-the-human-race machine"*
So there's this snake named nate and blah blah galah better nate than lever hur hur hur and all that.

[Lheticus]

Stole I MEAN BORROWED this from another forum...

A Good Question

PERSON 1: I'm in a big trouble!
PERSON 2: Why is that?
PERSON 1: I saw a mouse in my house!
PERSON 2: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
PERSON 1: I don't have one.
PERSON 2: Well then, buy one.
PERSON 1: Can't afford one.
PERSON 2: I can give you mine if you want.
PERSON 1: That sounds good.
PERSON 2: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
PERSON 1: I don't have any cheese.
PERSON 2: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
PERSON 1: I don't have oil.
PERSON 2: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
PERSON 1: I don't have bread.
PERSON 2: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!

[Duck999]

I still smile every time I hear this one. On the matter of jokes...

What is a staff compared to a spear?

A pointless weapon.

A spear may actually be unwieldy when made of metal, so it is not quite pointless.

[Lheticus]

If you've ever played a Kirby game, you know he's a TERRIBLE singer. In fact...

Kirby's singing is so bad, when he brings down the house, he REALLY brings down the house!

[Rad Mage]

A zoo keeper is making his rounds when a woman angrily approaches him.

He asks her what's wrong and she responds, "The porpoises keep saying rude things."

So the zookeeper goes over to the porpoise tank and tells them to stop misbehaving.

The porpoises think on it and say "Okay, but only if you bring us two myna birds."

The zookeeper agrees but has to pass by the lion cage on the way, but the lion is taking his nap at the moment.

He grabs the myna birds and as he passes the sleeping lion on the way back, the zookeeper hears a shout.

"Stop! You're under arrest!" yells a large police officer.

"On what charges?" asks the zookeeper.

"You're under arrest for attempting to transport mynas across a sedate lion for immoral porpoises."

[Lheticus]

A zoo keeper is making his rounds when a woman angrily approaches him.

He asks her what's wrong and she responds, "The porpoises keep saying rude things."

So the zookeeper goes over to the porpoise tank and tells them to stop misbehaving.

The porpoises think on it and say "Okay, but only if you bring us two myna birds."

The zookeeper agrees but has to pass by the lion cage on the way, but the lion is taking his nap at the moment.

He grabs the myna birds and as he passes the sleeping lion on the way back, the zookeeper hears a shout.

"Stop! You're under arrest!" yells a large police officer.

"On what charges?" asks the zookeeper.

"You're under arrest for attempting to transport mynas across a sedate lion for immoral porpoises."

...I don't get it. It's supposed to be a pun, right? But other than "immoral porpoises" I don't see it.

[Jaxzan Proditor]

...I don't get it. It's supposed to be a pun, right? But other than "immoral porpoises" I don't see it.
Transporting minors accross a state line for immoral purposes.

[Trevortni]

Once upon a time, a son was born to a couple. They named him John (the way it was told to me originally, Hans, but I'm already translating the whole rest of the joke, so, whatever, John it is now.), and were very happy. So happy, in fact, that when John turned three, and could finally talk a little, they asked him:
"John. Our son. For your third birthday, what gift would you wish for?" (this is to be said slowly, accentuating each sentence, in a solemn voice)
John replied:
"I wish for three little yellow balls!" (this is to be said even more slowly, accentuating every single word and drawing out every single vowel, pretty much as long as you please, kind of the way children sometimes do, with changing pitch - IIIiiiiIII wiii-iii-iii-iii-iiish fooooooooooor...)
The parents were surprised, thought to themselves, "Eh, whatever, what strange ideas our son has!", and decided to buy him something more normal instead. So he got a teddybear. He loved that teddybear; but sadly, it was not three little yellow balls.

With five, John went to kindergarden. On this occassion, the parents decided to give him a special gift, so they asked him:
"John. Our son. On the occassion of going to kindergarden, what gift would you wish for?" (Keep the style for the person offering a gift to John and for John himself basically the same, adjusting only a little for John's age and the person asking respectively)
John replied:
"I wish for three little yellow balls!"
The parents sighed, thought, "Sheesh, our son sure is obsessed with those three little yellow balls!", and decided to buy him a little bike with extra wheels instead. John took the little bike, but he wasn't quite happy; he really had wanted those three little yellow balls!

With seven, John went to school. His grandparents came, too, to see him off on this occassion, and together with his parents, they asked him:
"John. Our son. Our grandson. On the occassion of going to school, what gift would you wish for?"
John replied:
"I wish for three little yellow balls!"
The parents and grandparents rolled their eyes, "Darn, John is insane!"; and got him a set of Legos instead. John liked playing with the Legos; but they were no three little yellow balls.

(Insert an arbitrary amount of steps here. It can be anything - good grades, other birthdays, winning competitions, getting onto sports teams, graduating from school, enrolling at university, graduating from that, becoming a warhero, developing a cure for cancer, marrying, getting children, whatever you can think of. On every step, have the people - and make sure to keep the list of people offering a gift growing longer and longer (make sure to always mention all of them, both when they make the offer and when they are irritated by John's response), which also means making the list of titles by which they address John longer and longer (again, make sure to always say all of them). Naturally, John always wants three little yellow balls, and naturally, he always ends up getting something else. As John grows older, you may briefly make his statements a little more brief, less drawn out and less obnoxious; this is to lull the people into a false sense of security, when he actually grows old and you start drawing it out more again - much, much more, in fact. By the end, if you need less than half a minute for the sentence "I wish for three little yellow balls!", you are doing it wrong!

The person who told me this "joke", for the record, took something like 40 or so minutes for it. May have been more. Definitely not less.

It ends with:)
John is a hundred-and-seven years old, and lying on his deathbed. Around him have gathered his wife, his siblings, his children, his grandchildren, his great-grandchildren, his nephews, his cousins, his friends, his students, his soldiers, the citizens of his town, [...], and look at him with sadness. They ask him:
"John. My husband. Our brother. Our father. Our grandfather. Our great-grandfather. Our uncle. Our cousin. Our friend. Professor. Captain. Mayor. Warhero. Oldest cititen. Noble-Prize Winner. [...]. Before you die; please, tell us just this one thing. What did you want those three little yellow balls for all this time?"
John, incredibly wearily, slowly pushes himself up a little, coughs, looks around, and wheezes:
I...
...wanted...
...three...
...little...
...yellow...
...balls...
...because...
URGH! *dies*

If you should decide to tell this one to anybody, I want it clear that I am not taking any responsibility for you being beaten to death. :smalltongue:

Ah, yeah..... When my dad told it, it was "a purple polka-dotted, perforated ping pong ball."

[Dexam]

The old bell ringer at Notre Dame Cathedral has passed away, and the Father Abbot has been tasked by the Bishop to find a replacement. The Father Abbot puts out the word, and people come from miles around to audition for the job as the new bell ringer. While some of them are very good, none of them possess that special something that the previous bell ringer had. The Father Abbot is just about to give hope, when he approached by a man who is missing both arms.

"Father Abbot," he says, "I would like to audition for the job as the new bell ringer of Notre Dame."

"But my son," the Father Abbot says, "You have no arms! How could you possibly ring the bells?"

"I hit them with my head," the armless man replies. "Please give me a chance and I will prove it to you."

The Father Abbot is somewhat dubious, but in the spirit of charity agrees to give the armless man an opportunity to show what he can do. The armless man climbs the stairs all the way to the top of the bell tower and begins head-butting the bells with all of his might. The most beautiful music the Father Abbot has ever heard starts ringing out across the city.

With tears of joy rolling down his cheeks, the Father Abbot calls up to the armless man in the bell tower. "My son, yours is truly a gift from God! The job is yours for as long as you wish it!"

The armless man begins dancing with glee atop the bell tower, but unfortunately he trips on a crack in the stone and loses his balance, falling *splat!* to his death on the cobblestones below.

The priests rush from the Cathedral and gather round the body. "Father Abbot," one of them asks, "Who was this poor unfortunate soul who made such beautiful music?"

The Father Abbot shakes his head sadly. "I never found out his name..."
"... but his face sure rings a bell."

* * *

The very next day the Father Abbot is conducting the funeral for the armless bell ringer, when the man's brother approaches him.

"Father Abbot," he says, "As a final tribute to my poor unfortunate brother, I would like to ring the bells of the Cathedral that he loved so much, in the same manner that he did. Will you grant me this boon?"

The Father Abbot agrees that this is a fitting tribute, and so the armless man's brother climbs to the top of the tower and starts hitting the bells with his head. Unfortunately he doesn't possess the same skill as his deceased brother, and a wildly swinging bell knocks him off balance. So he falls as well, *splat!* to his death on the cobblestones below.

As the priests gather round again, the Bishop approaches the Father Abbot. "Another one, Father Abbot?" he asks. "Who was the unfortunate man this time?"

"I'm sorry, Your Grace," the Father Abbot replies. "I didn't get his name..."
"... but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

[enderlord99]

A spear may actually be unwieldy when made of metal, so it is not quite pointless.

Well, I've never seen a pointy staff, at the very least!

[Socratov]

Well, I've never seen a pointy staff, at the very least!

well, here is a tip...


and a spear behind it :smallbiggrin: (shamelessly stolen from League of Legends)

[Emperordaniel]

well, here is a tip...

Is that the end?

[Rad Mage]

Is that the end?

Frankly, I don't see the point.

[Socratov]

Is that the end?

be glad you didn't get shafted :smallbiggrin:

[enderlord99]

be glad you didn't get shafted :smallbiggrin:

I wouldn't be able to bear that.:smallamused:

[Emperordaniel]

I wouldn't be able to bear that.:smallamused:

Thanks for the support. *beams* Okay, that pun was just awful.

[enderlord99]

This (http://explosm.net/comics/3260) issue of Cyanide and Happiness seems relevant.

[OrcusMcP]

How many members of a particular demographic does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A finite number. One to screw in the bulb, the rest to act in a manner stereotypical to the demographic.

[Ravens_cry]

Question:Why is chick (baby chicken) meat so inexpensive?
Because they so cheep!

[Emperordaniel]

Why did the chicken go to the seance?

To contact the chicken who crossed the road!





Get it? Because the chicken was now on the "other side"? :smalltongue:

[Trevortni]

Why did the chicken go to the seance?

To contact the chicken who crossed the road!





Get it? Because the chicken was now on the "other side"? :smalltongue:

I guess he didn't make it?

[Duck999]

I guess he didn't make it?

If he did make it, he was still "on the other side." Which is often used as a term for dead.

[Ravens_cry]

If he did make it, he was still "on the other side." Which is often used as a term for dead.
Just like you killed that joke.:smalltongue:

[hamishspence]

Why did Dr. Facilier from The Princess & The Frog cross the road?

Because he had friends on the other side.

[Lheticus]

Not telling where I found this one:

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

[ArlEammon]

Occifer, I swear to drunk I'm not God.

[Duck999]

Occifer, I swear to drunk I'm not God.

Geez, You're so think you can't drunk.