PDA

View Full Version : Quotes for the Cooking Paladin!



Lord Lemming
2015-01-11, 04:05 AM
For any of you who have not seen The Gamers: Dorkness Rising (and some of you who have), it is a fantastic fan-made D&D movie that anyone in this forum should probably watch. In a post-credits scene, the party paladin Sir Osric spouts off a bunch of food-related righteous one-liners into the darkness. I quote:

“I shall spread the buttery justice of Therin over the toast of your iniquity!”

“The succulent jam of light shall sweeten the sourdough of your evil ways!”

“The creamer of light will dull the bitterness of your evil, unholy coffee taste!”

“The spatula of purity shall scramble the eggs of your malfeasance!”

http://youtu.be/tOUksDJCijw?t=1h44m30s (original scene. In theory.)

Inspired, I decided that I would make a paladin with ranks in either Profession (Cook) or Craft (Delicious Justice), who would open every combat with just such perfectly delectable lines. There is but one problem: I am horrible at coming up with food-related badass holy one-liners, and the existing set will get real old real fast. So far, all I've got is:

“The oven of justice will leaven the yeast of your wickedness!”

“I shall paste the mustard of mercy on the sandwich of your sinfulness!”

“The avocado of evil will be mashed into the guacamole of good!”

And I didn't even come up with the third one by myself. But then it occurred to me: Who else but the brave, ridiculous souls who haunt The Giant in the Playground forums could aid me in my task; to create the most deliciously righteous battle cries a gourmet-obsessed lawful-good keeper of truth and justice could imagine. So, my friends, will you come to my aid?

(PS: If you do want to watch The Gamers: Dorkness Rising, the creators have the full thing up on YouTube under the channel name Zombie Orpheus Entertainment. They have some other cool stuff too. I only linked to an unofficial video because part 12 of 12 seems to have gone missing from the official channel.)

LokiRagnarok
2015-01-11, 04:12 AM
People say Evil is the spice of life. They are right. What they don't say is spice are roasted on the Holy Fires of Justice!

Kaeso
2015-01-12, 10:48 PM
Oh, this is fun! Let me try some.

'I am here to serve Justice... with an optional soup or salad on the side!'

'Such heresy, I have not seen an offense to the Holy Order this bad since that time I mistook Hollandaise for Mayonaise!'

'Into the breach, men! Send these dark creatures to the Abyss where they will fry to a roasty brown crisp!'

'Their blood will flow like 1215 Bordeaux wine (good year!)'

'Revenge is a dish best served cold... much like Gazpacho'

Phoenixguard09
2015-01-12, 11:17 PM
"I shall strike with the heated vengeance of a good curry!"

"Your pies shall be baked by my divine fury!"

"Leave now or taste my wrath! (Just like chicken!)"

I'm not very good at this...

chainer1216
2015-01-13, 09:14 AM
"The first step in creating a healthy meal of hope is to tenderize the meat, then season liberaly with JUSTICE!"

Lionheart
2015-01-13, 09:27 AM
I've got a couple of ideas for non battlecry related ones:

(When having to think things through) I must marinate on this
(When time is of the essence) Let us not burn our bottoms on the stove of indecision, steak should be served rare and pink!
(When leading a charge) Salt shall be sprinkled, eggs shall be splintered. THE WATER'S BOILING!

Hope any of these are useful.

Lord Torath
2015-01-13, 09:47 AM
Nitpic:
“The oven of justice will leaven the yeast of your wickedness!”Yeast provides the leavening. Baking kills the yeast. That's why you let bread rise before baking it.

Maybe something like "The Oven of Justice will bake your evil plots into tasty chocolate chip cookies."
Yes, that's pretty horrible. I'm sure someone will come up with something better.

Red Fel
2015-01-13, 10:05 AM
There is only one battlecry for the food-oriented champion of justice.

Only one roar that lets the forces of evil know that righteousness comes flying on culinary wings.

Only one terrifying sound, one word, one syllable, that condenses virtue and flavor into one perfect weapon against those who would harm the innocent.

SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcm-J7lQT3w)

Jeff the Green
2015-01-13, 05:21 PM
Nitpic:Yeast provides the leavening. Baking kills the yeast. That's why you let bread rise before baking it.

Maybe something like "The Oven of Justice will bake your evil plots into tasty chocolate chip cookies."
Yes, that's pretty horrible. I'm sure someone will come up with something better.

Or "The yeast of justice will leaven your soul unto righteousness!"

"That's Lawful Good eats."

MKV
2015-01-13, 06:44 PM
I really want to open a fast-food restaurant with a paladin as its mascot that uses these slogans in its advertising it would be called "Hyborian fried Paladin"
Also

My sword will cleave through you like a hot knife through butter!
Okay yeah it's a little obvious

JaminDM
2015-01-14, 07:20 PM
Dragons come from eggs. I am a chef. Chefs know 99 ways to cook eggs. I think I shall try a few.

Janus
2015-01-14, 09:19 PM
THE WATER'S BOILING!
That reminds me of the the movie, D&D: Wrath of the Dragon God. The commentary is done by Lidda, Jozan, and Khrusk. Jozan repeatedly makes reference to how badly the movie characters need a cleric for anything they come across.
Lidda finally asks, "Do you need a cleric for everything? 'The water's boiling! CALL A CLERIC!'"
Jozan answers, "Water boils not by magic, but by faith."