YossarianLives
2015-01-17, 01:08 AM
So first this is going to take a bit of explaining. So back in September we started a new campaign. It was a stereotypical high fantasy adventure campaign using D&D 3.5. The party consisted of...
A human sorcerer who focused on casting mount as many times per day as possible.
A kobold abjurant champion/eldritch knight who focuses on archery and diplomacy. Me.
And the big one, the main cause of all the insanity.
A elan wizard.
I hope you enjoy this tale of utter insanity and metagaming.
It should also be noted that the party had extremely odd structure and virtually no balance.
The campaign started out fairly normally, we were exploring a dungeon. We found weird creatures chained to walls and trying to bite our throats out. We fought a gargoyle and a bunch of traps. Then we entered a large room. The doors shut behind us and four fire breathing dogs (hell hounds) teleported into the room and attacked. We barely escaped with our lives (we were level 5) and decided 'screw this'. Much to the DMs dismay we left the dungeon and walked to the nearest town. It turned out to be a miserable little hamlet with almost nothing. The DM informs us that it used to be a prosperous trading town but it was mostly abandoned when war was declared on the neighboring country and trade ceased. We break into the mayors house, beat him and his family into submission and loot stuff. While looking through some documents we find a letter to the mayor saying that a large group of soldiers would be arriving at the town to turn it into a garrison to guard against the enemy in two days. We split town and run into the hills. We meet a tribe of goblins (take note of these guys, they'll be important later) and after managing to convince them that we are friendly we ask for their services in attacking and conquering the nearby town. The wizard also goes off into the forest, kills and ogre and turns it into a zombie. A week later we invade the small town with about 200 goblins and kill everyone. The goblins occupy it and we depart seeking other adventures. We arrive at another, larger town and decide we should rob a bank to get some cash. The sorcerer (who has a massive bluff skill) disguises as the "vault inspector" and manages to get inside the vault. He then knocks out some of the guards (this is at night by the way) and we get inside. We give ourselves various magical strength buffs (enlarge person, bulls strength, etc...) and start stuffing our bags with treasure. Meanwhile the zombie ogre is massacring people as a distraction. As we leave the vault the unconscious guards are discovered and so is our 'clever' ruse. We blast our way out with some of our spells and run for it. The town bell goes and we're being chases by a horde of guards. We blast open the front gate with a fireball the sorcerer pulls up about eight mount spells and we make our escape. When we are about 10 miles away from the town we count out booty and the DM tells us we have over a million gold pieces. The wizard then goes into full crazy plotting mode and we make our way to the capital city of the kingdom we're currently in. We start kidnapping a bunch of bards. The current kingdom we are in is ruled by a tyrannical sorcerer queen and arcane magic is banned. Bards in toe he head to the other kingdom which has a more liberal view on magic. We charm the guard into letting us in and arrive at a city made up of giant pyramids. We have heard rumours of a powerful sorcerer named Erazax living in this city. The sorcerer heads to the magic item shop and buys all the lyres of building they have. Me and the psycho wizard then go see Erazax. He is rather resistant and antisocial but we convince him to help enchant something for us. (We'll use it against the other kingdom.) We then visit the discount bone dealer. We force the bards to start playing and Erazax starts enchanting. When we are done we have a 100% bone, flying, evil, skull fortress that shoots fireballs out of the skull. Thanking Erazax we fly off to many amazing adventures.
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INTERMISSION
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We then head over to the entrance of a large forest. We get down from the fortress and start walking through the forest. We fight some blink dogs. We arrive at a tree full of gnomes who get high on mushrooms. We try to kill some rampaging stag beetles for them and almost all die horribly. We turn on the gnomes, burn their tree to the ground and take their mushrooms. We find a quarry full of slaves. I free several slaves and the wizard murders some. We find a note on one of the slave drivers who the wizard killed telling the slaver to meet the author in a abandoned city to the west beyond the wall. We fly our fortress over and find a deserty city in mint condition but completely abandoned. We look around a but. Find a cave full of firey kobolds and some sort magic-user. We kill them. A huge fire elemental appears outside the cave. We bottleneck it and destroy it without taking any damage. We fly to the south. We find a valley. We enter a ruin. We find some dwarves. The sorcerer knifes them. We find a giant gate in said ruin and break it down. Some dwarves run away and a giant kung-fu naked guy jumps out of the shadows and starts killing us. We wound the ninja streaker and he runs away. We leave and go farther south. We find a another giant guy outside with a bonfire. I talk to him and he grapples me. The wizard lands the skull fortress on top of his fire and he flees. We go farther south over more mountains. We travel along some coastline. We find a find a portal to a extradimensional marketplace. We buy some magic items for ourselves and sell some peoples souls for a tome of forbidden knowledge. We leave and go back to the original kingdom. We get the goblins from the village, get them to attack the town we burglarized earlier while we provide artillery support from the safety of the skull fortress. We then take them away to the valley and get them to establish a village their. They live happily. I go to the dwarven place and manage to talk my way in. I make friends with them and find out they live in a massive series of tunnels and drink some dwarven brine. We fly back to the abandoned city. We go back to the cave we we're at before. More wizards and burning kobolds. We go to church in the city and find some secret passages underneath. We fight some random humans and I almost die from a poison trap. We leave and go to the capital city of the kingdom. We get jobs at the castle. Me as a guard, the wizard as a torturer, and the sorcerer as a janitor. We work our jobs for a few days then during the night on the fourth day we sneak down to the castle vault. We polymorph the wizards familiar into a rust monster and rust through the vault door. We find a bunch of guards. I convince them of their queens tyranny and that our robbing the bank is for the best thing for them. We load our pockets once again and teleport back to the skull fortress. Then we decide it's time to take down the queen herself.
We get a bunch of goblins from the village, use halasters fetch (like summon monster I except after the duration ends the summoned creature stays around just not under your control) in several boxes to get a army fiendish hawks. Teleport down to the extradimenisonal marketplace. Buy 10 decanters of endless water and some dynamite. The wizard casts explosive runes on a bunch of pieces of leather. We approach the queens castle in the skull fortress. We use lyres of building as shields. We ram through the window of the throne-room, set the decanters to full blast, the goblins are sending down a hail of arrows, we release the hawks, and summon about 30 mounts using wands. The explosive-leather is attached to the horses and they stampede into the throne-room. We also batter everything with fireballs and lightning bolts. The queen escapes - barely. We blow the castle to bits with dynamite. We then take over. The new ruler is the wizards raven familar. The wise king Tony. We then began a plan for new conquests. I make a agreement with the dwarves. They will do the building and provide the steel. The humans will supply spellcasters. I start recruiting for the GMC. And the wizard along with Erazax and some dwarves disappears into a fast-time plane for about five years of his time. They emerge with the Vengeful Revenge. A 1000 foot starship with in suite jacuzzi, a disentagrate cannon, and enough lyres of building to have permanent shielding. We have now recruited about 100 members for Starfleet. The Galactic Magic Council. We board the ship which has is covered with spells that create a permanent atmosphere and a magic warp-drive.
Now I've started to feel so so sorry for my DM. We're playing in two days any advice or comments?
A human sorcerer who focused on casting mount as many times per day as possible.
A kobold abjurant champion/eldritch knight who focuses on archery and diplomacy. Me.
And the big one, the main cause of all the insanity.
A elan wizard.
I hope you enjoy this tale of utter insanity and metagaming.
It should also be noted that the party had extremely odd structure and virtually no balance.
The campaign started out fairly normally, we were exploring a dungeon. We found weird creatures chained to walls and trying to bite our throats out. We fought a gargoyle and a bunch of traps. Then we entered a large room. The doors shut behind us and four fire breathing dogs (hell hounds) teleported into the room and attacked. We barely escaped with our lives (we were level 5) and decided 'screw this'. Much to the DMs dismay we left the dungeon and walked to the nearest town. It turned out to be a miserable little hamlet with almost nothing. The DM informs us that it used to be a prosperous trading town but it was mostly abandoned when war was declared on the neighboring country and trade ceased. We break into the mayors house, beat him and his family into submission and loot stuff. While looking through some documents we find a letter to the mayor saying that a large group of soldiers would be arriving at the town to turn it into a garrison to guard against the enemy in two days. We split town and run into the hills. We meet a tribe of goblins (take note of these guys, they'll be important later) and after managing to convince them that we are friendly we ask for their services in attacking and conquering the nearby town. The wizard also goes off into the forest, kills and ogre and turns it into a zombie. A week later we invade the small town with about 200 goblins and kill everyone. The goblins occupy it and we depart seeking other adventures. We arrive at another, larger town and decide we should rob a bank to get some cash. The sorcerer (who has a massive bluff skill) disguises as the "vault inspector" and manages to get inside the vault. He then knocks out some of the guards (this is at night by the way) and we get inside. We give ourselves various magical strength buffs (enlarge person, bulls strength, etc...) and start stuffing our bags with treasure. Meanwhile the zombie ogre is massacring people as a distraction. As we leave the vault the unconscious guards are discovered and so is our 'clever' ruse. We blast our way out with some of our spells and run for it. The town bell goes and we're being chases by a horde of guards. We blast open the front gate with a fireball the sorcerer pulls up about eight mount spells and we make our escape. When we are about 10 miles away from the town we count out booty and the DM tells us we have over a million gold pieces. The wizard then goes into full crazy plotting mode and we make our way to the capital city of the kingdom we're currently in. We start kidnapping a bunch of bards. The current kingdom we are in is ruled by a tyrannical sorcerer queen and arcane magic is banned. Bards in toe he head to the other kingdom which has a more liberal view on magic. We charm the guard into letting us in and arrive at a city made up of giant pyramids. We have heard rumours of a powerful sorcerer named Erazax living in this city. The sorcerer heads to the magic item shop and buys all the lyres of building they have. Me and the psycho wizard then go see Erazax. He is rather resistant and antisocial but we convince him to help enchant something for us. (We'll use it against the other kingdom.) We then visit the discount bone dealer. We force the bards to start playing and Erazax starts enchanting. When we are done we have a 100% bone, flying, evil, skull fortress that shoots fireballs out of the skull. Thanking Erazax we fly off to many amazing adventures.
=============
INTERMISSION
=============
We then head over to the entrance of a large forest. We get down from the fortress and start walking through the forest. We fight some blink dogs. We arrive at a tree full of gnomes who get high on mushrooms. We try to kill some rampaging stag beetles for them and almost all die horribly. We turn on the gnomes, burn their tree to the ground and take their mushrooms. We find a quarry full of slaves. I free several slaves and the wizard murders some. We find a note on one of the slave drivers who the wizard killed telling the slaver to meet the author in a abandoned city to the west beyond the wall. We fly our fortress over and find a deserty city in mint condition but completely abandoned. We look around a but. Find a cave full of firey kobolds and some sort magic-user. We kill them. A huge fire elemental appears outside the cave. We bottleneck it and destroy it without taking any damage. We fly to the south. We find a valley. We enter a ruin. We find some dwarves. The sorcerer knifes them. We find a giant gate in said ruin and break it down. Some dwarves run away and a giant kung-fu naked guy jumps out of the shadows and starts killing us. We wound the ninja streaker and he runs away. We leave and go farther south. We find a another giant guy outside with a bonfire. I talk to him and he grapples me. The wizard lands the skull fortress on top of his fire and he flees. We go farther south over more mountains. We travel along some coastline. We find a find a portal to a extradimensional marketplace. We buy some magic items for ourselves and sell some peoples souls for a tome of forbidden knowledge. We leave and go back to the original kingdom. We get the goblins from the village, get them to attack the town we burglarized earlier while we provide artillery support from the safety of the skull fortress. We then take them away to the valley and get them to establish a village their. They live happily. I go to the dwarven place and manage to talk my way in. I make friends with them and find out they live in a massive series of tunnels and drink some dwarven brine. We fly back to the abandoned city. We go back to the cave we we're at before. More wizards and burning kobolds. We go to church in the city and find some secret passages underneath. We fight some random humans and I almost die from a poison trap. We leave and go to the capital city of the kingdom. We get jobs at the castle. Me as a guard, the wizard as a torturer, and the sorcerer as a janitor. We work our jobs for a few days then during the night on the fourth day we sneak down to the castle vault. We polymorph the wizards familiar into a rust monster and rust through the vault door. We find a bunch of guards. I convince them of their queens tyranny and that our robbing the bank is for the best thing for them. We load our pockets once again and teleport back to the skull fortress. Then we decide it's time to take down the queen herself.
We get a bunch of goblins from the village, use halasters fetch (like summon monster I except after the duration ends the summoned creature stays around just not under your control) in several boxes to get a army fiendish hawks. Teleport down to the extradimenisonal marketplace. Buy 10 decanters of endless water and some dynamite. The wizard casts explosive runes on a bunch of pieces of leather. We approach the queens castle in the skull fortress. We use lyres of building as shields. We ram through the window of the throne-room, set the decanters to full blast, the goblins are sending down a hail of arrows, we release the hawks, and summon about 30 mounts using wands. The explosive-leather is attached to the horses and they stampede into the throne-room. We also batter everything with fireballs and lightning bolts. The queen escapes - barely. We blow the castle to bits with dynamite. We then take over. The new ruler is the wizards raven familar. The wise king Tony. We then began a plan for new conquests. I make a agreement with the dwarves. They will do the building and provide the steel. The humans will supply spellcasters. I start recruiting for the GMC. And the wizard along with Erazax and some dwarves disappears into a fast-time plane for about five years of his time. They emerge with the Vengeful Revenge. A 1000 foot starship with in suite jacuzzi, a disentagrate cannon, and enough lyres of building to have permanent shielding. We have now recruited about 100 members for Starfleet. The Galactic Magic Council. We board the ship which has is covered with spells that create a permanent atmosphere and a magic warp-drive.
Now I've started to feel so so sorry for my DM. We're playing in two days any advice or comments?