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Muz
2007-04-03, 11:59 AM
In a fit of mental wandering, I was siezed with the idea that, over the course of many sessions of gaming (D&D specifically in this case), there appear to be certain unwritten laws by which the multiverse is ordered. In the interest of distraction and humor, I invite you to share what you've learned.
:smallcool: I'll get the ball rolling with Muz's 12 Laws of D&D Gaming:

1) Unless you're actually IN a fishing village, any humanoid NPC found fishing is 99% likely to be something else in disguise, and 8 times out of 10 it will be a dragon.

2) Nothing is ever THAT easy. Even if you've only been tasked with delivering a freshly baked pie to a man across town, either the streets and alleys will be infested with bandits and/or mindflayers with a craving for blueberries, or the man's house will be quarantined due to recent kingly edict.

3) The clever little piece of non-magical equipment (e.g. caltrops) that you bought at the start of your adventure will, 9 times out of 10, lay forgotten at the bottom of your pack until the point in which it could have been utilized has passed.

4) Even if the pit fiend appears to be completely powerless, it's really never a good idea to burn his personal library out of spite. (aka "Myrddin's Law")

5) You will, at some point, have to pull that lever.

6) There is no such thing as an inconsequential twin sibling.

7) The statue is never just a statue. (aka "Denise's Law") Denise's Law addendum: If the statue IS just a statue, it is only to lull you into a false sense of security for the NEXT statue-like thing that will be attacking you.

8) No matter how well the DM plans out a major encounter, the PCs will invariably think of something you did not that will render 75% of the DM's planning moot. (aka "Law of DM's Lament" or "Law of Improvising," depending on the attitude of the DM at the time)

9) Helpful and friendly NPCs almost NEVER wander into your campsite in the middle of the night. If such a thing happens, don't take your eyes off them for a SECOND. (aka "Fiera's Law")

10) If the PCs ever come across another group's campsite in the middle of the night, there will be a disproportionately good chance that said group is extremely friendly and helpful, even if you should be trekking through the 9th layer of the Abyss.

11) There is nothing to be feared more than a smooth, empty dungeon hallway. ...With the possible exception of an enormous pile of gems that appears to be snoring.

12) SOMEone prepares explosive runes EVERY morning.

BlueWizard
2007-04-03, 12:10 PM
An amusing list.

Sir_Ophiuchus
2007-04-03, 12:16 PM
13) The wizard has the exact spell for this situation - and he'll cast it tomorrow.

storybookknight
2007-04-03, 12:22 PM
14) The older an NPC appears to be, the more powerful. Even if he is sitting on his front porch playing his banjo and smoking a pipe, he's secretly a retired paladin, high-level monk, or a dragon.

Telonius
2007-04-03, 12:22 PM
7) The statue is never just a statue. (aka "Denise's Law") Denise's Law addendum: If the statue IS just a statue, it is only to lull you into a false sense of security for the NEXT statue-like thing that will be attacking you.


Our Warforged Barbarian has developed a phobia of statues for just this reason. Every time we encounter a statue in a dungeon, he attacks it before it can attack him.

prufock
2007-04-03, 12:35 PM
I've broken at least half those laws in my campaigns. Toss in a random commoner who takes an active interest in the exploits of the PCs and the players get all paranoid!

Muz
2007-04-03, 12:44 PM
I've broken at least half those laws in my campaigns. Toss in a random commoner who takes an active interest in the exploits of the PCs and the players get all paranoid!

Well sure, laws are meant to be broken, but that doesn't mean we can't be amused by them. :smallbiggrin:

kellandros
2007-04-03, 01:36 PM
14) The older an NPC appears to be, the more powerful. Even if he is sitting on his front porch playing his banjo and smoking a pipe, he's secretly a retired paladin, high-level monk, or a dragon.

So what do retired dragons do? Hang around all day talking about the hoards their children have collected, and reminising on old battles? What does an old dragon's home look like?

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Daneel the Sane
2007-04-03, 01:56 PM
Yeah, here are a few from me

15) PCs are trend-setters. Places will change names spontaneously because the PCs started calling it something else. Thus the manor house nestled in a valley called "Hidden Light" will inevitably be called "Hidden Valley Ranch Light" in less than a day. (Also called the "Law of Ticking Off Daneel the DM")

16) Any nation, no matter how militarily powerful, will have large groups of orcs and/or hobgoblins roaming throughout it on semi-regular basis. This is the Law of Spontaneous Humanoids.

17) Dragons always start terrorizing the countryside about a week before the arrival of the PCs.

18) The most powerful weapon to be used against a beholder is a blanket. Give the blanket to whoever has the best grapple rolls, and cover the beholder with it! As a corrolary to this law, swords go through blankets quite nicely, thank you so much. (This is also called "Lyric's Law of Desperation")

19) Elves with spiky hair and nasty facial scars always require an immediate Detect Evil spell or effect. (The "Law of Mitigating Surprise Sneak Attacks")

Rolaran
2007-04-03, 02:07 PM
20) Every city, town, or village has at least one building where alcoholic beverages are served, commonly called a "tavern". These "taverns" exude an extremely strong pull on any adventurers not currently affiliated with a group, and these adventurers randomly coalesce into groups in what appears to be a bizarre macromolecular chemical reaction, possibly triggered by said alcoholic beverages. This is known as the "ethanolic group synthesis law" or more colloquially, as the "Everybody meets in a tavern" rule.

Shhalahr Windrider
2007-04-03, 02:10 PM
15) PCs are trend-setters. Places will change names spontaneously because the PCs started calling it something else. Thus the manor house nestled in a valley called "Hidden Light" will inevitably be called "Hidden Valley Ranch Light" in less than a day. (Also called the "Law of Ticking Off Daneel the DM")
Now and then, I encourage it.

DM (me): You come up to a village...
Player 1: Ooh! What's it called?
DM: What?
Player 2: What's the village's name?
DM: Hm? Oh, yeah. That. Uh... good question. What do you want to call it?
I call this sort of conversation "Collaborative World Building."

:tongue:

Behold_the_Void
2007-04-03, 02:11 PM
21) If something in the PC's path is flammable, it will burn. If it is not flammable, they will find a way to make it burn.

Woot Spitum
2007-04-03, 02:12 PM
20b) These taverns are the centers of economics, culture, politics, and religion in any given world. Thus, they are the only places you ever need to visit in any given settlement.

storybookknight
2007-04-03, 02:12 PM
22) At some point, someone will give you an item, to be taken to another locale, where it will be either destroyed or exchanged for a different item. The first "item" may in fact simply be a quest, and this may repeat as many times as is necessary. (The Law of FetchQuests.)

Dark_Wind
2007-04-03, 02:15 PM
23) If you come to a town that you've never been to before, chances are that the town is or will soon be the site of serious problem or another, and that the local authorities will be entirely unable to manage whatever this happens to be.

Corrollary: if you've been to the town before, then the chances are somewhat lessened, unless one or more PCs has an emotional attachment to the town.

Shhalahr Windrider
2007-04-03, 02:15 PM
20) Every city, town, or village has at least one building where alcoholic beverages are served, commonly called a "tavern". These "taverns" exude an extremely strong pull on any adventurers not currently affiliated with a group, and these adventurers randomly coalesce into groups in what appears to be a bizarre macromolecular chemical reaction, possibly triggered by said alcoholic beverages. This is known as the "ethanolic group synthesis law" or more colloquially, as the "Everybody meets in a tavern" rule.
One of these days, I'm gonna make a character who is a teetotaler and see what my DM thinks of that. :smallamused:

Jannex
2007-04-03, 02:18 PM
One of these days, I'm gonna make a character who is a teetotaler and see what my DM thinks of that. :smallamused:

Whenever the PC party in my current game goes to the tavern (we're in a dwarven town, so the tavern really is the center of commerce and culture), the crazy half-elf chick always orders apple juice. My minotaur has recently picked up the habit as well. Then again, the Drunken Master elf makes up for us.

Khantalas
2007-04-03, 02:18 PM
24) The Law of Racial Inequality in Crafts of Ferro Chrome : The blacksmith is either a dwarf or a human. Elves, gnomes, orcs, even races that have no other contact with humans or dwarves have one dwarf or human blacksmith.

martyboy74
2007-04-03, 02:19 PM
25) All corpses are just zombies/mummies/ghouls/etc. waiting for you to enter the room. They must be destroyed.

Woot Spitum
2007-04-03, 02:22 PM
26) Dwarven craftsmanship is superior. It doesn't matter what you're talking about, if it was made by the dwarves it's just plain better.

Crazy_Uncle_Doug
2007-04-03, 02:23 PM
27) Johann's Law: Every perfectly "innocent" barfight, whether instigated by a PC or an NPC, will invariably turn fatal.

storybookknight
2007-04-03, 02:23 PM
26) Dwarven craftsmanship is superior. It doesn't matter what you're talking about, if it was made by the dwarves it's just plain better.

26b) Unless it's something really fancy and aristocratic, or incredibly magical. Then, the elves win.

Gungnir
2007-04-03, 02:24 PM
27) When in doubt as to whether an NPC has any plot importance, ask his name. If the DM stutters, or takes a moment to think, leave or kill him, depending on your alignment on the good/evil axis.

Jannex
2007-04-03, 02:25 PM
26b) Unless it's something really fancy and aristocratic, or incredibly magical. Then, the elves win.

26c) Or if it's something quirky and somewhat anachronistic. Then, gnomes are the clear masters.

storybookknight
2007-04-03, 02:27 PM
26c) Or if it's something quirky and somewhat anachronistic. Then, gnomes are the clear masters.

26d) While not actually related to the mastery of a craft per se, if it was made by an orc or someone of orcish descent, it is not only of shoddy manufacture but also smells badly.

Person_Man
2007-04-03, 02:28 PM
27) Attractive women that you find imprisoned will always betray you, most likely by being a succubus, and should be killed immediately.

28) Anything with a detailed description is central to the progression of plot.

Khantalas
2007-04-03, 02:29 PM
26d) While not actually related to the mastery of a craft per se, if it was made by an orc or someone of orcish descent, it is not only of shoddy manufacture but also smells badly.

26e) Anything related to culinary is made by halflings in its finest. Dwarves, elves and gnomes can't match their talent at crafting objects to sate their appetite.

By the way, we have three 27's already.

Jayabalard
2007-04-03, 02:39 PM
26) Dwarven craftsmanship is superior. It doesn't matter what you're talking about, if it was made by the dwarves it's just plain better."Welcome to all things Scottish Dwarvish... if it's not Dwarvish IT'S CRAAAAPP!! Can I help ye?"


Yeah, here are a few from me

15) PCs are trend-setters. Places will change names spontaneously because the PCs started calling it something else. Thus the manor house nestled in a valley called "Hidden Light" will inevitably be called "Hidden Valley Ranch Light" in less than a day. (Also called the "Law of Ticking Off Daneel the DM")Shouldn't that be "Hidden Light Valley Ranch"? Almost as irritating, and a little more clever.

Dark_Wind
2007-04-03, 02:45 PM
31) If you pee on it, something bad is going to happen. Always.

Innis Cabal
2007-04-03, 02:48 PM
32) No matter what direction the DM is taking the game, the PC's will ignore it until they are good and ready
33) There is a 1 in 4 chance that one of your male players will want to play a female seductess. There is a 3 in 4 chance that he will hit on one of your other players and there is a 4 in 4 chance that the rest of the party will be very uncomfortable

Woot Spitum
2007-04-03, 02:49 PM
34) All halflings steal things, even if they're worthless. Especially if they're worthless. A halfling that goes too long without stealing things simply shrivels up and dies.

35) Elves are more in tune with the natural world than anyone else. An evil elven wizard with a dozen grafts and an army of pseudonatural undead is more in tune with nature than your average non-elf druid.

ocato
2007-04-03, 02:53 PM
36) (I think that's what it is supposed to be) No matter what your party consists of, or where your party is or what kind of people live there, recent cinema releases will almost always begin to affect the actions of either the PCs or the enemies.

Indon
2007-04-03, 02:58 PM
38) PC's never keep track of things they don't write down (such as where they are in a series of numbers) and that you don't track for them, often requiring said things to be determined again from scratch.

martyboy74
2007-04-03, 03:02 PM
39) Any of these. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=29508)

Tengu
2007-04-03, 03:05 PM
40) Many of these (http://www.project-apollo.net/text/rpg.html).

averagejoe
2007-04-03, 03:16 PM
38) PC's never keep track of things they don't write down (such as where they are in a series of numbers) and that you don't track for them, often requiring said things to be determined again from scratch.

38a) As the amount of time said thing isn't kept track of increases, the benifit of said thing to the PC also increases, in the PC's own mind.

jjpickar
2007-04-03, 04:15 PM
41) PCs Must argue for a minimum of 4 hours per game about anything.

1st Corollary to 41) If there are any totally inconsequential objects in an otherwise empty room then the PCs must spend a minimum of one hour examining/arguing about each.

2nd Corollary to 41) If a door that can be opened by simply pulling it open (not locked trapped etc.) then it is the door that all PCs will find to be the most menacing and will spend hours arguing about.

Shhalahr Windrider
2007-04-03, 04:34 PM
26c) Or if it's something quirky and somewhat anachronistic. Then, gnomes are the clear masters.
26c.i) This only applies to the approximately 15% of gnomish inventions that do not turn out to be little more than an overly complex deathtrap (such as the combination railsplitter/beardtrimmer).

Talya
2007-04-03, 04:40 PM
42) Metagaming, especially "metacheese" where you try to use something incredibly cheesy but not technically against the rules to trivialize an encounter is grounds for the DM to pit you against a Hecatoncheires. (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/epic/monsters/abomination.htm#hecatoncheires)

Ravyn
2007-04-03, 05:54 PM
43. If it is meant to be reasoned with, there's at least a 50% chance the party will kill it.

44. If it is meant to be killed, there is at least a 50% chance that the party will reason with it.

45. The party's survival rate can be increased dramatically by finding out what the GM's opinion of the "sweet little girl is really a demon" cliche is.

45b. Particularly when a. the GM loves the cliche and everyone else isn't expecting it because it's so cliche or b. the GM hates the cliche and is sick of otherwise rational, compassionate people acting like every innocent little moppet is out to kill them.

Ashdate
2007-04-03, 06:23 PM
46) Don't be afraid to attack first and ask questions later; that's why they made a 'Speak with Dead' spell.

- Eddie

Skyserpent
2007-04-03, 06:34 PM
26g. No seriously. Humans suck.

Dhavaer
2007-04-03, 07:05 PM
A rule of Modern gaming:

50% or more of all dates will take place in an Italian restaurant.

Sergeantbrother
2007-04-03, 07:07 PM
47. No matter how mean and scary your character is, there will always be a theif willing to try to pick his pocket or steal from his room - and no matter how alert your character is, that theif will usually succeed.

48. If the DM has a pet NPC, you'll want to kill him no matter how helpful he seems to be.

49. When you want to sneak through the woods the leaves will be dry and crunchy. When you want to set the woods on fire, the leaves will be wet and soggy.*



* This rule was once used to my benefit. I decided I wanted to set a forest on fire to kill a dryad the party was having trouble with. I implied that I was going to try to sneak through the woods and asked the DM if the leaves (he said it was fall) were crunchy or soft. He said that the leaves were crunchy. I then replied that since they're crunchy then the forest must be dry so I will set it on fire. Reverse psychology in action :smallbiggrin:

Kosmopolite
2007-04-03, 07:08 PM
49) The rogue did it.

Khantalas
2007-04-03, 07:09 PM
M&M 1) There will be someone who takes Quickness and that person will want to use it in inappropriate situations with the opposite gender.

alchemy.freak
2007-04-03, 11:03 PM
50) if this statue has gems for eyes, it is NEVER a good idea to pry them out

51) if you have a girl gamer in your group(and i do) 1/4 times she will play a male character, and 9/10 times that will disappoint all the other guys in your game.
Raikov's Collary: if she does in fact play a male character there is a 50 50 chance that the male character is gay, now she will play the suductress, and in the process make every one else very uncomfortable, but still wanting to get on the girls good side and thus playing along

52) girl gamers come in 2 flavours, timid and shy, or rp freaks who put everyone else to shame

53) for every natural 20, there is a natural 1 just waiting to happen at the worst possible moment

Modern rule:
the massive damage save never fail when you need it to

ccelizic
2007-04-03, 11:39 PM
54) There is always at least one indecisive schmoe in the group who will turn a 3 round encounter that takes up 18 seconds of in game time into a 3 hour affair which will end up hogging 50% of the session's time on .1% of the in game time.

55) It doesn't matter where the town is, there's a shop that sells sharp implements of death, and a shop that sells various adventuring gear and a shop that sells intoxicating beverages in a social atmosphere. There's also a very strong chance of shop that sells magic juice otherwise known as potions as well, but I've actually seen a town or two that lacked the latter.

56) Unless you are trying to visit nobility of some sort, most of the time you can walk around with enough hardware to put down an army and not get questioned.

57) Doesn't matter where you go, someone needs help, and it aint gonna be pretty.

58) There is no such thing as a useless item. The more asinine the bauble you found is, the more important it is going to become later on down the road. the most productive PC is the PC who is the most like a packrat. This is why those portable holes and bags of holding are a must.

59) Open lock is only for asthetics. Anything can be opened with sufficient force. And the doors and chests that resist gratuitous violence can never be opened via open lock anyway and require the PC's to complete a complicated task in order to open the passage. I partied wit ha dwarf who hacked open a few UNLOCKED doors just because that was the "dwarf way of doing it."

60) There's miraculously always enough rats in a dungeon to sustain all the dungeon's denizens, which is generally all they get to eat. This is why most dungeon denizens are quite eager to devour you. (Does not explain wilderness encounters, see #62)

61) The amount of shiny objects laying around is directly proportional to the acts of voilence you had to commit to get to that point.

62) Creatures in the wild all have an irrational hatred for all of humanity and related lifeforms and will assault any such being on sight.

63) Creatures generally lack any sense of self preservation and will fight to the death despite overwhelming odds. If they break this rule then they are a plot NPC who has some sort of plot point or quest to offer the party.

Wehrkind
2007-04-04, 12:02 AM
64: The number of times the PCs need to speak the name of any given noun is directly proportional to the likelihood of said noun aquiring a new name, which is vulgar or silly.

64A: Nouns that are difficult to pronounce, similar to something completely unrelated in the real world, or are prone to irritating the PCs all contribute to this tendancy.

64B: The more sensitive the DM is about the appelations of each noun, the more likely it is they will be renamed something vulgar or silly.

Knight_Of_Twilight
2007-04-04, 12:18 AM
34) Sea travel is never safe. Some sort of giant see monster lives in every body of water, no matter the size.

35) Roads aren't safe either. They always have bandits, or goblins, or orcs, or even orc and goblin bandits.

Muz
2007-04-04, 12:25 AM
65) Any creature encountered for the very first time by the PCs will "coincidentally" and invariably wind up being nicknamed something that's 100% identical to it's name in the Monster Manual.

Jade_Tarem
2007-04-04, 12:26 AM
66: If it's described as quiet and peaceful, then it's soon to be the site of a horrible ambush featuring above-average CR monsters. The only exception is if it features a magic spring.

67: PCs are always immaculate. They never need to clean off gore, dust, dirt, grime, mildew, river muck, mud, tree sap, parasitic insects, cobwebs, sweat, tears, debris, oils, carbon residue, or fragmented equipment despite repeatedly coming into contact with all of these things.

68: The number of PCs on watch is inversely proportional to the possibility of an ambush.

69: There are more CG drow renegades than actual drow.

70: A PC wizard can bypass the years of study and practice required to master powerful magic by participating in the destruction of monsters and the resolution of quests, despite the fact that these things have little bearing on how he supposedly attains power. Also by acting in a realistic fashion, as determined by the DM.

71: Despite an overarching interest in treasure, Dragons can't be paid off.

72: Despite it being thier chief attribute, mind flayers are generally not any smarter than the players.

Wehrkind
2007-04-04, 12:31 AM
69: There are more CG drow renegades than actual drow.

I am personally convinced that EVERY drow is a chaotic good renegade, but are all so misunderstood by even other drow that they all think they are the only good one, and all the others are evil.
I also suspect that the existance of mySpace would instantly bring the Drow world to a halt...

Edo
2007-04-04, 12:42 AM
65) Any creature encountered for the very first time by the PCs will "coincidentally" and invariably wind up being nicknamed something that's 100% identical to it's name in the Monster Manual.Not consistently true. If the name is shorter, it's more likely to stick.

Edo
2007-04-04, 01:12 AM
73. Cities with sewers do not have plumbing that makes those sewers necessary or particularly useful.

74. No matter how "historically accurate" and/or low-magic the campaign setting is, mundane engineering for practical purposes does not exist. The city with unused sewers mentioned above, for example, will ever find a way to use them that doesn't involve Craft Wondrous Item, even if plagues decimate it every year. Instead, they'll commission gnomic Rube Goldberg machines to make applesauce using a croquet mallet, a crystal prism, and a permanent Eward's spiked tentacles of forced intrusion spell.

Lord Tataraus
2007-04-04, 01:49 AM
I am personally convinced that EVERY drow is a chaotic good renegade, but are all so misunderstood by even other drow that they all think they are the only good one, and all the others are evil.
I also suspect that the existance of mySpace would instantly bring the Drow world to a halt...

I have a world where all drow are good and all other evles are evil. It's starting today, so my players are in for a surprize, especially since they are evil and the drow are out to get them because of it!

Habzial
2007-04-04, 04:41 AM
75. Dwarf-players, when playing an elf, will make an unattractive and overall atypical elven character.

76. Elf-players will not play a dwarf, as dwarfs are short and know nothing of poetry.

clericwithnogod
2007-04-04, 06:00 AM
77. When a character dies, the cleric will get blamed...regardless of how many poor tactical decisions on the dead character's part and/or how many bad house rules on the DM's part contributed to the character's death.

Were-Sandwich
2007-04-04, 06:11 AM
Like the goal-keeper, the cleric is always blamed for a teams failure.

SpartacusThe2nd
2007-04-04, 07:59 AM
HAHA i like it!
cool rules 2 and 10 really kicked ass, and I don't believe 11 is true though.
its not a law its an...(dam I need my dictionary).

DrummingDM
2007-04-04, 09:35 AM
Law #n+1:
If game time is short, and you've written an adventure that you think the party will be able to complete quickly, the players will go to bizarre lengths to unwittingly drag out the adventure out to unnatural lengths.

Tobrian
2007-04-04, 10:27 AM
26) Dwarven craftsmanship is superior. It doesn't matter what you're talking about, if it was made by the dwarves it's just plain better.

Now I know why, although all Dwarves talk with a Scottish accent, all default Dwarfish names sound German. :smallwink:

Rule addendum: 26a) All Dwarves speak Scottish English, while elves speak Irish Gaelic (or alternatively badly mangled Japanese phrases if they're anime elves with giant ears). Orcs always sound like Klingons.

Seriously, elves or orcs speaking, I don't know, Italian would be a welcome change of pace.

Serenity
2007-04-04, 10:57 AM
I've mostly found Elves to speak with clipped, upper-class British accents. Hey, another linguistic idea: elves speaking Cockney, at least when speaking in Common. They sound much nicer in Elvish, but Common is such a vulgar language...

Neko
2007-04-04, 11:39 AM
78. If the monster is not ment to be fought but instead was suppose to be avoided and have those shiney crystals stolen from it... the players will endevor to slay it.. even if it is a much higher level than them and they should stand no chance against it..
78.b. They will probably kill it also.
79. Don't wait till after midnight to start.. the end result will be strange and uninteiligble information from the DM and just darn freaky things happening..

spotmarkedx
2007-04-04, 12:16 PM
80> The amount of time spent by the GM carefully crafting a dark or tense theme and mood for an encounter is directly proportional to the percentage change of having all of it ruined by a player with a Monty Python quote.

Knight_Of_Twilight
2007-04-04, 12:20 PM
81. Violence is usually the answer.

Jannex
2007-04-04, 12:32 PM
81. Violence is usually the answer.

81a) And when it isn't, it's the question; the answer is usually "yes."

rollfrenzy
2007-04-04, 12:33 PM
82. The rule of CR reversal. If the Dm makes a msitake and the encounter is too easy or hard, the next encounter will overcompensate and be inversely more powerful or weak.

83. The more you try to convince PC's they are not going to be able to kill something, the more they will try.

84. The DM IS trying to kill you.

84a the nicer the DM is being right now, the harder he is trying to kill you.

Knight_Of_Twilight
2007-04-04, 02:56 PM
As one of my groups main DMs, I can say that rule 84 is generally true. Or sure, we are trying to make sure that you are having fun while trying to kill you, but we are trying to kill you nonthless.

Jade_Tarem
2007-04-04, 03:00 PM
elves speaking Cockney

You - gah!. No... :smallfurious: Can't get the horrible (or should it be 'orrible?) image out of my head.

Viscount Einstrauss
2007-04-04, 03:01 PM
Actually, I just make painful things happen to my players. I don't want to kill them so much as make life suck.

Right now, though they don't know it, they're on a world-saving mission that will end up with them missing most of their gear and stuck a few months back in the past, where no one knows who they are or cares at all. Because I'm a horrible person.

YPU
2007-04-04, 03:05 PM
85 every villain explaining his plan is invulnerable to attacks while doing so, his speaking will probably even prevent you from acting at all till he is done.

Crazy_Uncle_Doug
2007-04-04, 03:07 PM
86. Never be caught without pitons.

87. Owlbears are not cuddly.

martyboy74
2007-04-04, 03:18 PM
87)a) Nor do they know how licks it takes to get to the chewy elven center of a vaarsuvius pop. (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0322.html)

Diggorian
2007-04-04, 04:22 PM
88. If a DM describes some creature as being like a more well know creature, it's never that creature. It is an Unidentified Hostile Creature (UHC), likely of his design.

89. Any UHC you face has the special ability to change their selected feats, skills, traits, and stats spontaneously. This is the Law of Improvised CR Adjustment for Homebrewed Monsters.

90. Always carry flour. It's cheaper than Invisibility Purge.

91. Any little sound you here on watch is good enough to wake everyone about.

Muz
2007-04-04, 05:31 PM
92) There's no such thing in D&D as "just" a bad dream. Bad dreams are either prophetic warnings you likely can't do anything about, sanity-draining visions that'll &#[email protected]! you up bad if you have them much longer, or evil nightmares sent to you by your enemies. In the event you ever have an actual GOOD dream, do exactly what it says.

kellandros
2007-04-04, 05:33 PM
93. Plan B actually IS twice as much gunpowder/explosive/fireball as Plan A.

Innis Cabal
2007-04-04, 05:41 PM
94. Illusionist is the only true class for gnomes, this is shown by every PrC made by WoTC, even though their racial class is bard.

averagejoe
2007-04-04, 05:44 PM
84. The DM IS trying to kill you.

84a the nicer the DM is being right now, the harder he is trying to kill you.

84b Even so, the DM recognises that if you're dead then there's no way to make your life miserable.

Viscount Einstrauss
2007-04-04, 05:45 PM
95. Saying "What are the chances of that happening?" on anything other than statistical likelihood of dice rolls is the same as asking for the DM to do exactly that.

96. Speaking of which, saying 'What are the chances of that happening?" about the statistical likelihood of dice rolls or something similar is like tempting universal law and physics against you.

ocato
2007-04-04, 06:24 PM
94. Illusionist is the only true class for gnomes, this is shown by every PrC made by WoTC, even though their racial class is bard.

Illusionist used to be their favorite class in 3.0. They make decent bards though.

Woot Spitum
2007-04-04, 06:27 PM
84b Even so, the DM recognises that if you're dead then there's no way to make your life miserable.

84c) Except, of course, by having your character raised as a zombie and forcing you to play the zombie instead of rolling up a new character.

The_Snark
2007-04-04, 06:35 PM
Seriously, elves or orcs speaking, I don't know, Italian would be a welcome change of pace.

At some future point, my orcs will speak with Italian accents. It'll even help the ever-present problem with players who think that all orcs are to be slaughtered on sight, because the orcs are now the only people in the world who make pizza.

97. If one of your party members is targeted with a particularly powerful attack or spell, it will either be the party's sole healer or the party member with the lowest HP.

Jade_Tarem
2007-04-05, 12:29 AM
84b Even so, the DM recognises that if you're dead then there's no way to make your life miserable.

I beg to differ, sir! :smallamused:

clericwithnogod
2007-04-05, 04:16 AM
89. Any UHC you face has the special ability to change their selected feats, skills, traits, and stats spontaneously. This is the Law of Improvised CR Adjustment for Homebrewed Monsters.


89a. Any standard creature automatically becomes a homebrewed creature immune to the spells the wizard has prepared.

89b. Homebrewed monsters have a self-destruct mechanism triggered by over 75% of the party being disabled in the first two rounds of combat to make up for DM mistakes. Unfortunately, this self-destruct mechanism works both obviously and intermittently.

Kultrum
2007-04-05, 07:04 AM
49) The rogue did it.

49b) while the rogue probably did do it he will almost never be blamed because hes the only one who put ranks in bluff

Dausuul
2007-04-05, 07:25 AM
88. If a DM describes some creature as being like a more well know creature, it's never that creature. It is an Unidentified Hostile Creature (UHC), likely of his design.

89. Any UHC you face has the special ability to change its selected feats, skills, traits, and stats spontaneously. This is the Law of Improvised CR Adjustment for Homebrewed Monsters.

89b. Any by-the-book monster you face has the same ability. The more well-known its stats are, the more likely it is to use this ability. If any player specifically comments on its listed stats, the probability of this ability being used approaches 100%. This is the Law of DM Metagame Hostility.

89c. As a corollary to the Law of DM Metagame Hostility, while homebrewed monsters have roughly even chances to adjust CR up or down, by-the-book monsters are 90% likely to adjust their CR up, by an amount directly proportional to the degree to which players rely on the listed stats.

"Uh, I think beholders have an anti-magic ray. Better flank it." (+2 CR as beholder gets two anti-magic eyes.)

"Look, the black dragon is Huge, right? And I made my save against its breath weapon on a 26. That means it has to be a Mature Adult, and it has 253 hit points. Since we already did 249 points of damage to it, it has to be almost dead. Just hit it with a magic missile and save your higher-level spells." (+7 CR as dragon gets 500 extra hit points, regeneration 20, and the power to use gate as a spell-like ability three times a day)

rollfrenzy
2007-04-05, 08:15 AM
84c) Except, of course, by having your character raised as a zombie and forcing you to play the zombie instead of rolling up a new character.


I had a DM do this exactly. The Player was playing a paladin of Lathander, whose big rolplaying hook was he HATED undead. The Dm made him play as a zombie.


98. Heroes exude an aura that has a tendency to attract meteors and lightning bolts, even from perfectly clear skies.

Dark
2007-04-05, 08:32 AM
99. Declaring any intent or goal will automatically align the forces of the cosmos against it.

If a hero declares he'd love to have some raspberry pie today, then this will automatically cause 3-4 CR-appropriate encounters to take up ambush on the road to the kingdom's sole remaining raspberry bush. If, on the other hand, the hero simply says "I'm buying some raspberry pie", then the innkeeper will have it in stock.

If the hero changes his mind and decides that apple pie would be much better, then the CR-appropriate encounters quickly shuffle off to inhabit the Apple Tree of the Gods instead, which has been cursed and is connected to an ancient prophecy, and is now the sole remaining source of apple pies in the world.

Toliudar
2007-04-05, 09:29 AM
100. There is a magical material named, oh, let's call it Handwavium. This invisible, intangible material can be sprayed onto doors so that they can only be opened by a specific magical key, and they resist blows from the Strength 30 ogre fighter. Inhaled briefly by a BBEG before an initial fight with the heroes, handwavium allows the BBEG to withstand a few attacks and disappear mysteriously. Handwavium can be sprayed over a secret lair to turn aside divinations, and sometimes teleportations. Handwavium is never, EVER available to players [shudders at the thought].

One of my players has rechristened this material Plot Sauce, which I also like.

averagejoe
2007-04-05, 09:58 AM
84c) Except, of course, by having your character raised as a zombie and forcing you to play the zombie instead of rolling up a new character.


I beg to differ, sir! :smallamused:

84d) Except for that sort of thing really isn't fun for anyone except the DM, and so is a really bad idea.

Woot Spitum
2007-04-05, 10:09 AM
101) Note that a DM will cover any and all attempts to punish players by saying "it'll be a good roleplaying experience," "I'm just trying to make the game more realistic," or "well that's how my world works."

Muz
2007-04-05, 11:50 AM
102) Use of Magic Missile, when cast beyond a certain point on any given plane, may cause an unknown number of Brooches of Shielding to spring into being inside chests of the enemy.

103) If there's a high cliff, ledge, deep chasm, or volcano caldera, there is a 95% chance that SOMEone will fall into it dramatically. (Law of AcroDrama)

104) Lots of little bugs can only herald the coming of much larger bugs who haven't eaten in years and have a taste for PC.

105) Any journey into the Underdark (aka the #@#!&! Underdark!), no matter how brief or accidental ("Dangit, I dropped my keys down the sewer and they rolled into the Underdark. Be right back!"), is not allowed to end until the PCs have encountered at least 2 from the following list: drow, mind flayers, or umber hulks.

Suvarov454
2007-04-05, 11:54 AM
One of these days, I'm gonna make a character who is a teetotaler and see what my DM thinks of that. :smallamused:

I played an LGCS mod three weeks ago where the inn we stayed in refused to serve alcohol (for religious purposes). I found it quite a refreshing change!

ZebulonCrispi
2007-04-05, 12:02 PM
103) If there's a high cliff, ledge, or deep chasm, there is a 95% chance that SOMEone will fall into it dramatically. (Law of AcroDrama)

You forgot the ever-important Volcano!

Diggorian
2007-04-05, 12:08 PM
89b. Homebrewed monsters have a self-destruct mechanism triggered by over 75% of the party being disabled in the first two rounds of combat to make up for DM mistakes. Unfortunately, this self-destruct mechanism works both obviously and intermittently.

89b(a). The longer a DM has been running a system less likely this self destruct trigger will activate, since "he knows what he's doing". [Also reference rules 82-84]

106. The Vicarious Property of DMing: The DM runs the kind of game he would want to play in as a PC.

107. The correct way to resolve any situation is the way the DM would do it as a player. Because of this, all Encounter levels are actually at least one higher than stated. This is The DM Perspective Bias.

107a. Know your DM, know your enemy! :smallamused:

Fhaolan
2007-04-05, 12:42 PM
105) Any journey into the Underdark (aka the #@#!&! Underdark!), no matter how brief or accidental ("Dangit, I dropped my keys down the sewer and they rolled into the Underdark. Be right back!"), is not allowed to end until the PCs have encountered at least 2 from the following list: drow, mind flayers, or umber hulks.

Okay, the "Dangit, I dropped my keys into the Underdark" just made my top 10 list of "Things I need to do to my players".

Even though my campaign world doesn't *have* an Underdark... it's just that funny of an idea.

Jade_Tarem
2007-04-05, 12:58 PM
107a. Know your DM, know your enemy! :smallamused:

107b. But never, ever let on that that's how you play. Any time the DM figures out that you're trying to get inside his head, one or more of the following will occur, with a various probability assigned to each. Bear in mind that each is taken individually, so more than one may occur.

35% - He will accuse you of metagaming verbally, possibly getting angry.
85% - The encounters you face will change. CRs will almost universally be higher (though you won't get any more xp or treasure). They will be very different from what they were before.
10% - The Dec-annual trap-builder's extravaganza will occur, though the PC's won't hear about it. There will be a 150% increase in the trap population of the planet.
15% - The plot will change. Continuity and logic will become less important than seeing if the players will soil themselves on a regular basis. A character will die, another may become cursed.
80% - Your character will never, ever again meet a single attractive member of the opposite sex who shows an interest in the character who is not a succubus or level-draining opponent out to feast on thier life energies.
25% - The DM's next plotline will feature twists and turns so convoluted that you could put a lemon in one end and orange juice would come out the other.
40% - There will be more encounters with NPC opponents.
50% - The DM will bring a screen to the next gaming session, assuming he's not already using one.
100% - The DM will give you "the eye."

Dark
2007-04-05, 01:48 PM
80% - Your character will never, ever again meet a single attractive member of the opposite sex who shows an interest in the character who is not a succubus or level-draining opponent out to feast on thier life energies.
That one's already true.

Unless your DM is weird or something.

PlatinumJester
2007-04-05, 04:03 PM
34) Gelatinous cubes aren't made of real jelly & will burn your tongue if eaten.
35) There will always be some loser who will make annoying random characters who do stupid things i.e. making a molotov cocktail with oil and and a flask and using it on a creature that could be killed in less time then it did to make the molotov.

Suvarov454
2007-04-05, 04:09 PM
Now I know why, although all Dwarves talk with a Scottish accent, all default Dwarfish names sound German. :smallwink:

Rule addendum: 26a) All Dwarves speak Scottish English, while elves speak Irish Gaelic (or alternatively badly mangled Japanese phrases if they're anime elves with giant ears). Orcs always sound like Klingons.

Seriously, elves or orcs speaking, I don't know, Italian would be a welcome change of pace.

My LGCS Dwarf speaks with a Russian accent (pretty much because it isn't Scottish, and no one seems to mind if I mangle it).

Shhalahr Windrider
2007-04-05, 06:56 PM
I played an LGCS mod three weeks ago where the inn we stayed in refused to serve alcohol (for religious purposes). I found it quite a refreshing change!
Wow. In what region do you play? I'm a Highfolk man, myself.

Muz
2007-04-06, 11:47 AM
110) Should such PCs be in the party, the DM will eventually have to rule that the big human fighter can not dual wield the 2' forest gnome, and there will be a mandatory Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome reference immediately following.