I'll never look at a monkey the same way again.

[MisterSaturnine]

So, today I actually participated in my first play session of DnD. We just vaguely learned a week ago, compelled largely, actually, by reading OOTS.

I'm a 1st-level Human Bard, he's a 1st-level Gnome Druid. We have an eccentric DM. I have a hookah and a mandolin named Lucy who I have a romantic relationship with. It's a completely ordinary mandolin.

Anyway.

We're teleported into a cavern, and fall on an Orc's head. We fight a bit, and eventually he's got me on the ground, and we're grappling. The Orc then yells and calls in two more Orcs. The Druid (Deebs) remembers he prepared Summon Animal 1, and calls out a monkey. Now, remember that a monkey's bite does 1d3. They have 3 Strength. This means they do 1d3-4 damage. So the most he can do is -1.

The monkey gets a natural 20. Then confirms the critical (not sure what that means still) with another critical...which he confirms with another critical. The monkey rips out the Orc's throat, killing him instantly. Blood is everywhere. The monkey rolls for an intimidate...and gets a natural 20. The orcs run away in fear, and while running, collide. They knock eachother unconscious. The monkey gets taken away by mole men and Deebs and I decapitate the Orcs.

The monkey was henceforth referred to as "Charlie, Bane of the Orcs." He will become the Orcish boogeyman.

It was...an interesting play session.

[JaronK]

Well... that's a lot of odd house rules. The minimum damage you can do is 1, so a monkey always hits for 1 damage unless it gains a bonus to damage (such as via a spell that increases strength, for example). A critical hit with a natural weapon just means you deal damage twice, so the monkey would do 2 damage.

JaronK

[Grim Greyscale]

Unless it's a Vorpal Monkey.

[Hamster_Ninja]

Or his/her DM is using the optional auto-kill variant in the DMG, rolling a 20 on a critical confirmation makes it an auto crit and you roll again, and if this roll beats their AC they are instantly killed

[storybookknight]

Secretly, in my current campaign, there is a NPC with energy immunity: all, SR 1000, and DR 1000/monkey. He has one hit point. Mostly, he spends his time far away from jungles and zoos.

[Quietus]

He'd be in trouble against any of my characters that can summon. I love monkeys.


... Wait, that came out wrong...

[SpartacusThe2nd]

lol funny story.
But I still think they suck, he was just lucky.

[Wolf53226]

And here my group just changes some movie quotes. You can replace the word money with monkey in any movie, and it still makes sense....sort of

Jerry Mcquire: "Show me the monkey!"

Star Wars: "Tell Jaba I have the monkey."
"I don't have the monkey on me."

The movie the "The Color of Money" just gets really silly.


Then again, I have some strange friends.

[Ranis]

I'm glad you had fun during your first session, man! :D

[Gamebird]

And here my group just changes some movie quotes. You can replace the word money with monkey in any movie, and it still makes sense....sort of.

That's like that "pants" meme and Star Wars:
I find your lack of pants disturbing.
You are unwise to lower your pants.
Chewie and me got into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
The Force is strong in my pants.
Your pants, you will not need them.
You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.
I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
In his pants you will find a new definition of pain and suffering
Governer Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's pants.
I think you just can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your pants.

[Noneoyabizzness]

1)friggin brilliance with pants!

2)monkey+awaken spell=fun npc

[Douglas]

This one actually would have been semi-useful if it were literally true: "Strike me down and I will become more pants than you can possibly imagine." :smalltongue:

[Aramil Liadon]

Pants may be awesome, but they are hugely off-topic. So, interesting party you have there. I like the lucy-mandolin, why did my bard never do that? I could have summoned my true love whenever I felt lonely. Now I want to play a bard again.
Anywho, That is hilarious! I can just imagine a monkey, all of two feet, screaming and beating its chest and watching the 8-foot run off. Wow. You are significantly well endowed with funny syndrome, you know that?

[Aramil Liadon]

Sorry, double post

[aaron_the_cow]

lol.:smallbiggrin:
thats halarioys. I still remember my first game. I got 50 bounus eeps for heroicniss:smallbiggrin:

[RandomNPC]

my first game involved standing under a well hydrated elephant, because under the elephant, in the shade, it's ten degrees cooler. then my halfling found out the elephant was very adequately hydrated, and needed to let go of some excess water. my spellbook smelled funny for a while.

[Jamie Fameflame]

Sounds like a brilliant first game of roleplaying!

[MisterSaturnine]

Thanks, Aramil. :smallbiggrin: And yes, it was a fun first time (and not only my first time playing, but the DM's first time DMing). There were a couple other funny experiences, like Deebs spending about 10 or 15 realtime minutes getting from the bathroom of the pub to a high room to catch someone with blackmail material, failing a climb check thrice, such a bad move silently check that the DM explained he was singing to himself, and when he finally gets up to the room, finds absolutely nothing. When he gets back to the room my character is in, without looking up from caressing Lucy, I go, "You're not allowed to go to the bathroom alone anymore."

And the monkey wouldn't have HEALED if he hit, but we assumed it'd be completely ineffectual for him to attack, save a critical.

[MisterSaturnine]

Oh, and the DM established that upon getting drunk, Deebs got +6 to Strength, +4 to Dexterity, and -8 to Wisdom. He asked what I wanted, and I replied.

I now have +12 to Emo when drunk. Yay for depressing backstory!

And because I have nothing better to do and like typing backstory, here it is in a handy dandy spoiler!

Hebi’s mood fluctuates between two extremes. Most of the time, he is a wise-cracking swashbuckler, laughing in the face of danger and enjoying (perhaps a little too fully) the hedonistic cliché of wine, women, and song. At other times, however, he is prone to lying awake outside, staring at the moon with a grim look in his eyes. At these times, all of his humor is replaced by a brooding seriousness. This is because of his checkered past–when he was 17 years old, he married Emma Twicken. After a year of happy marriage and a single child, he found out that his wife was cheating on him with the captain of the guard in his village. In a fit of rage, he drew his sword and began fighting with the man. Midway through the fight, he shattered a lantern which set fire to his house. He escaped with his child, but when he looked back he saw his wife’s lover helping her out of the flaming debris. Before he could help them, the house had collapsed on them both. When the fire stopped, all Hebi could do was gaze at the charred remains of his wife and her lover, who had loved her more than he could in the end. He left his child on the steps of the Temple of Pelor and opted to become a wandering bard rather than be reminded of the suffering he’d caused.

Not really the most compelling thing I've written but, eh, it's alright.

[Quietus]

This one actually would have been semi-useful if it were literally true: "Strike me down and I will become more pants than you can possibly imagine." :smalltongue:

No, but consider :

"Pants me and I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine"

.... That would actually go really well in Spaceballs. Considering how lightsabers worked in that...

[LoopyZebra]

That was actually a good first background. I'm still trying to get my RL players to write them. :)

[MisterSaturnine]

Oh, and by the way--

I am completely in favor of pants-related threadjacks. Please carry on. And Quietus, that was a good one. You can borrow Lucy. But give her back! And no kinky stuff! Well, I suppose that's OK, actually. Just no costumes. Lucy hates costumes.

[Ranis]

That was actually a good first background. I'm still trying to get my RL players to write them. :)

I hear you there, my friend.

[Sam K]

In soviet russia, monkey spanks you!

[Theodoxus]

I always write backgrounds - and the DM always chooses to ignore them :( they aren't even over the top... /sigh

[MisterSaturnine]

That's a shame. I'd think adventures based on your background would be the best. Like, Hebi's 32 now and his son would be around 15 or 16, adulthood according to the Player's Guide. Seeing that he was raised in the Temple of Pelor, he could have become a Cleric. A Lawful Good cleric. Perhaps he's now adventuring to find his father...who, it turns out, is Chaotic Neutral. And basically killed his mother and left him 'cause he couldn't handle the guilt.

Opens up so many options--his son could be another person to join the party, or a recurring "villain," who hates his father. Also, the RP options the encounter could open would be very interesting, especially considering it's highly possible that the other priests in the temple probably lie to him about the character of his father.

[Green Bean]

Heh. That sort of reminds me of my group's monkey adventure. (here's a tip: lucky rolls on an awaken spell makes a primate who can beat the wizard at chess)

[Pepz]

man that takes me back to my first game of dnd :) We started out by basically picking up everything in the pub and taking it with us to the dungeon because our sorcerer had rolled a critical diplomacy on the barkeep :D rocks fell, all our stuff got crushed, cause the dm didn't want us bringing tables and chairs into the dungeon....:)

we had a huge misunderstanding too :) we were supposed to save a unicorn, but we hadn't heard it correctly and thought we had to save a squirrel (that's eenhoorn=eekhoorn in Dutch ;) ) so we spent about an hour discussing amongst ourselves why we should save some stupid squirrel :D twas a good night ;)