Horrible DnD Jokes. (may also except good DnD jokes)

[dascarletm]

I'm pretty sure it has been done before but.....


Then not feeling bad for the beggar must be Neutral.


An Ravid and a Nightstalker are trying to find a bar. "Are you sure we're going the right way?" asks the Nightstalker. The Ravid says, "I'm positive."

A Mindflayer, a Drider, and a Wyrmling Red Dragon walk into a Tavern.
They are immediately slain since this is where all the murder-hobos are.
or....
A wizard, a fighter, a rogue, and a cleric walk into a bar.
The campaign begins.

A Balor, a Succubus and a Flamebrother Salamander walk into a bar. "Man, that must have hurt!" says the Salamander.

:smallamused: I think we should start a DnD joke thread

[atemu1234]

Cyclops sends a love letter, "I've got my eye on you."

[Malimar]

The one I share every time this topic comes up, from Lore Sjöberg:

A fifth-level paladin drives his car to the repair shop.

He gets out and says to the mechanic "It's really weird. Normally I fight for justice and righteousness, but every time I get in this car I have this incredible urge to run over old ladies, drive way past the speed limit, and pick up hitchhiking demons. Can you help me?"

The mechanic looks the car over and says "Yeah, I see what the problem is. Your alignment's off."

[j_spencer93]

why did i just chuckle at that....

[Segev]

I actually did this to a party.

They landed in Limbo (the plane), and found themselves in an arid, sand-desert terrain. A little red Slaad with a pointy hat reacted to their presence by hiding. When they found her, she used her Sandshaper powers to try to drive them off. "Go away!" "Don't give away my hiding place!" "eep!" were common lines.

Eventually, they moved on and decided to just leave the chicken slaad sand witch alone.

[gorfnab]

Why did the fey cross the road?
To get to the other sidhe.

[hamishspence]

What do D&D characters wear when they go golfing?

+4s.

[Cruiser1]

Why did the fey cross the road?
To get to the other sidhe.
Unfortunately, "sidhe" is pronounced "shee": http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=17347160&postcount=10

[Zaq]

How many adventurers does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. NEVER split the party!

[black-jack]

A gnome bard, a halfling rogue, and a half-orc fighter are captured by bandits and brought into the woods for execution. The bandit leader calls the gnome up to the firing squad. "Any last words?" "Nope" replies the gnome. "Alright. 3...2...1..." "EARTHQUAKE!" the gnome yells. Succeeding his bluff check, the bandits turn and look in fear, and the bard runs away. Next up is the halfling. As the squad is about to shoot, he yells "TORNADO!" He also succeeds, and the bandits turn around and he runs away. The half-orc fighter has seen them do this, and gets an idea of how to escape. "Any last words?" "No." "3...2...1..." As the bandit says one, the fighter yells "FIRE!"

[gorfnab]

Unfortunately, "sidhe" is pronounced "shee": http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=17347160&postcount=10
Which is the reason its a bad joke. It really sort of works if the one listening to the joke actually knows how to spell sidhe.

[daremetoidareyo]

That lich has no nose!
How does he smell?
He stinks!

[DJroboninja]

One day in Sharn, a farmer and his son are walking around.

They watch as a grizzled old half Orc woman gets onto a lift. The lift travels to the very top of the tower and comes back down. To the farmers surprise, the half orc is gone and replaced by a beautiful, golden-haired elf woman.

The farmer grabs his son by the shoulders and says "get your mother."

[DJroboninja]

Also, what do you call a Medium Aberration that is an amorphous blob with the ability to drive you insane with its constant gibbering?

My MOTHER IN LAW

[AnonymousPepper]

What do you call a gnome diviner/necromancer who's on the run from the authorities?

A small medium at large!

[jaydubs]

What pre-rolled character does the crappy lawyer play? 'Dis bard.

A prince decides to become a druid. Where does he buy his books? Bears & Nobles.

What do you call a durable set of wizard robes? Can't rips.

A crappy cleric is just like a poorly trained dog. Neither knows how to do anything but heal.

[Propagandalf]

That lightbulb one was hilarious. :smallbiggrin:

These are from a set of badges of "x's do it z" and unfortunately I can't remember all of them. Do pipe up you know more of these.:smallsmile:

Rogues do it from behind.
Paladins do it for your own good.
Cavaliers do it on horse back.
Elves have done it for centuries.
Druids do it in the forest.

Fight of course.

[ghanjrho]

That lightbulb one was hilarious. :smallbiggrin:

These are from a set of badges of "x's do it z" and unfortunately I can't remember all of them. Do pipe up you know more of these.:smallsmile:

Rogues do it from behind.
Paladins do it for your own good.
Cavaliers do it on horse back.
Elves have done it for centuries.
Druids do it in the forest.

Fight of course.

Barbarians do it angrily.
Bards do it while singing.
Clerics do it divinely.
Fighters do it with lots of technique.
Monks do it with their bare hands.
Rangers do it with both hands.
Wizards do it by the book.
Sorcerors look good doing it.
Scouts do it on the run.

[atemu1234]

Barbarians do it angrily.
Bards do it while singing.
Clerics do it divinely.
Fighters do it with lots of technique.
Monks do it with their bare hands.
Rangers do it with both hands.
Wizards do it by the book.
Sorcerors look good doing it.
Scouts do it on the run.

Commoners do it badly.
Ninjas do it acrobatically.

[gooddragon1]

Commoners do it badly.
Ninjas do it acrobatically.

Truenamers talk about doing it.

EDIT: I'm so sorry.

[nerghull]

I actually laughed. You don't have to.

Warlocks can do it all day, but repetively.
Binders invite other people to help doing it.

[Sam K]

Truenamers talk about doing it.

EDIT: I'm so sorry.

Truenames talk about doing it, but the DC is too high!

[BWR]

Why are adventurers always welcome in towns?
Because they're a wandering party.

What monster can you bring on board ships and planes?
A carry-on crawler.

[IZ42]

Oracles do it spontaneously.
Alchemists do it with potions.
Inquisitors do it with heretics.
Magi do it two ways.

[Snowbluff]

How many adventurers does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. NEVER split the party!

I'm going to remember this next time someone tries to split the party.

[torrasque666]

I'm going to remember this next time someone tries to split the party.
I usually just play the song.

[Rebel7284]

I usually just play the song.

Which song is that?

[torrasque666]

Which song is that?
dis one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waa2ucfgVgQ

[Almarck]

So a four man party consisting of a cleric, fighter, wizard, and rogue was out adventuring one day and the cleric gets killed.

With no one else to ressurect their friend, the cleric's spirit gets sent to whatever afterlife awaits him.

So the party gets a replacement, another cleric who is mostly the same but with a different name and a few other tiny differences.

That guy gets killed, so the party has to get another cleric yet again.

And then he dies off, forcing the party to get another new healer.

Strangely, they don't question why each and every new face is so similar to the friends they lost much earlier. People think they might all be from the same family.

A little joke about the tendancy of parties to have their "builds" planned out and having niches setup to make each member irreplaceable. As a result, when someone dies and can't be revived, he doesn't really die.

[Chronos]

An old classic:


Human: Hey elf, you look like a girl.
Elf: To a human, everything must look like a girl.
Human: What?
Elf: Half-orcs, half-ogres...
Human: ...shut up.
Dwarf: Half-dragons, half-kobolds.
Human: I said shut up!
Elf: ...
Dwarf: ...
Human: ...
Elf: Centaurs...

[danzibr]

dis one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waa2ucfgVgQ
Awesome :)

Totemists do it with animal spirits.

[Zaq]

Awesome :)

Totemists do it with animal spirits.

Please. Magical beast spirits.

[Snowbluff]

dis one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waa2ucfgVgQ

Yeah, that one. I think the joke has better use for the timing.

[Ravens_cry]

Why are necromancers such tyrants?
Because they are dead to rights.
Why won't a Paladin tell you his build?
Because a Paladin will never admit de feat.

[Orsyn]

I'm thinking my next character will be a monk.

[sideswipe]

I'm thinking my next character will be a monk.

this really made me laugh, out loud!

[Almarck]

I'm thinking my next character will be a monk.

I almost tried to one up you by saying I'd roll the 3.5 soulknife and have my class features be a weapon that most people would already have the equivalent of without having to roll a specific class for 5 levels to get a +1

[Orsyn]

I almost tried to one up you by saying I'd roll the 3.5 soulknife and have my class features be a weapon that most people would already have the equivalent of without having to roll a specific class for 5 levels to get a +1

I get that this is a joke thread, but let's try to keep things civil. Masochism is a perfectly valid fetish, and we shouldn't make fun of those who have different interests than us.

[Almarck]

I get that this is a joke thread, but let's try to keep things civil. Masochism is a perfectly valid fetish, and we shouldn't make fun of those who have different interests than us.


Is that me planning to one up you, or running 3.5 soulknife?

[Orsyn]

Is that me planning to one up you, or running 3.5 soulknife?

The latter :P

[IZ42]

Hey guys! I'm playing a commoner and didn't take Chicken Infested!

[Propagandalf]

Foud more of 'em! :smallbiggrin:

Bugbears do it under your bed.
Skeletons do it in the closet.
Angels do it while high.
Dragons do it with with fire.
Cthulhu does it in his sleep.
Berserkes don't care who they are doing it with.
Necromancers do it with the dead. (ick.:smallyuk:)


Wizards do it by the book.
Sorcerors look good doing it.
Barbarians do it angrily.
Bards do it while singing.
Clerics do it divinely.
Fighters do it with lots of technique.
Monks do it with their bare hands.
Rangers do it with both hands.
Scouts do it on the run.

Truenamers talk about doing it. (Oh gods, this cracked me up so bad.:smallbiggrin:)

Warlocks can do it all day, but repetively.

Oracles do it spontaneously.
Alchemists do it with potions.
Inquisitors do it with heretics.
Magi do it two ways.

Totemists do it with animal spirits.

This is a gold mine for these things. I'm so saving all of them.:smallsmile:

[atemu1234]

Daggerspells do it with knives.
Psions do it with their mind.
Wilders do it passionately.
Soulknives do it poorly.
Erudites do it academically.

[Jack_Simth]

You know what you call a half-horse Cleric?
The Centaur for Disease Control.

Which is the reason its a bad joke. It really sort of works if the one listening to the joke actually knows how to spell sidhe.
Works fairly well in text, though, and with this audience, so....

[Seto]

Do you know how barbed wire was invented ?

Two Dwarves fought over a copper piece.

[theUnearther]

The one I always heard was "You all walk into a bar. Take 1d6 damage, Reflex for half".

Then there are the famous jokes. The Head of Vecna, Dread Gazebo, stuff like that.

Also, did you know Pazuzu is a 20th level truenamer?

[atemu1234]

What do you call Vecna when he goes to McDonald's?

A Golden Archlich.

[MorgromTheOrc]

DMs do it however they want, Players do it with DMs approval, mercenaries do it because they need the money.

[Khellen]

Gladiators do it in front of crowds.
Dryads do it in the trees.
Yuan-Ti do it on their bellies.
Slaad do it randomly.
Sahuagin do it in the water (ps: don't drink the water)
Beholders do it with their eyes open.



Gnomes do in on your lawn...

[AnonymousPepper]

Artificers do it with money.

[Almarck]

What does a construct call a fighter who pumped up his strength?

A meat"bag of holding"

[Rater202]

Dragons do it atop an enormous pile of money.

[AnonymousPepper]

Noooo, artificers make their own magic toys to do it!

With money.

C'mon, dude, Artificer is America: The Class. If they can't throw money at it, it's not worth their time.


source: am American

[lytokk]

A myconid walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." The myconid says in response "Why not, I'm a fungi?"