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View Full Version : Gamer Drama Tough Situation With a Difficult Player



Amaril
2015-02-02, 08:08 PM
Alright, so a bit of a minor gamer drama situation here, and one that I'm essentially powerless to change, but would appreciate advice on nonetheless, if only to help inform my own reaction.

A little while ago, the long-term group I'd been part of for the last few years sort of fell apart, due to a combination of interpersonal conflict and DM burnout. The DM in question, S, has played in a couple short side games my dad ran for us before, and he's...not really all that fun to play with. I don't know if this was just a side effect of the problems with the main game, but he doesn't really roleplay very much (a matter of personal taste, I know, but all the other people important in this situation do enjoy roleplaying), doesn't seem interested in the game even when he says he wants to be there, and on top of that, despite saying for a while that he'd been feeling the DM burnout start to set in, he seemed weirdly threatened when my dad started offering to run the side games, as though he was usurping S' position.

Anyway, recently my dad finally accepted that the group wasn't getting back together and decided to start up a new game, with myself, one of our previous fellow players, another player from the group we were in even longer ago, and a new guy who's never played but expressed interest as the rest of the group. My dad is far and away the best DM I've ever played with, and I've been super excited to get this game going. A couple days ago, though, my dad reluctantly suggested that we invite S to join the new game as a courtesy, figuring that if he ever found out we'd started another game and hadn't invited him, he'd probably be offended. We agreed that since we knew he was suffering burnout and suspected he was also busy with other stuff, it would be safe enough to invite him even though we didn't really want to, expecting him to decline. Problem is, he accepted, which means now we're sort of stuck with him. I think it's possible that he might be more fun now that he's had a chance to take a break, but I still can't help but worry he'll drag things down by being surly and obviously disinterested as he sometimes has in the past, and to make matters worse, the one guy we invited back from the previous group is the guy S didn't get along with, though they might interact differently as players with a different DM. Like I said, I don't think I can really do anything about this personally, but...am I overreacting here? Is this likely to even be an issue?

Tengu_temp
2015-02-02, 08:32 PM
Wait and see how he acts. If he does something that disrupts the game and makes it not fun, tell him about it next time and that he should stop doing it. If he keeps doing that, then kick him from the group.

goto124
2015-02-02, 08:36 PM
Is kicking him out an option? Or are there RL complications to it?

Amaril
2015-02-02, 09:08 PM
Is kicking him out an option? Or are there RL complications to it?

Well, we can't exactly invite him, then immediately withdraw the invitation and kick him out. I see no reason we can't kick him out later if he does cause problems in this game, although I strongly suspect my dad will be reluctant to do that because he won't want to deal with the conflict. Then again, I've never seen him in this situation as DM, so maybe he'll be better than that.


Wait and see how he acts. If he does something that disrupts the game and makes it not fun, tell him about it next time and that he should stop doing it. If he keeps doing that, then kick him from the group.

It's tricky, though, because it's not any specific behavior he has--it's more just a general sort of surly attitude, like he doesn't want to be there but is reluctantly putting up with it, and it darkens the general mood, at least for me. That's another reason I think it's unlikely that our DM will move to get rid of him, because he won't really be able to point to any one specific action or incident; if he just says "hey, do you really want to do this?", S will say he does whether it's true or not, and we'll have to take his word for it.

Kid Jake
2015-02-02, 09:14 PM
It doesn't really do any good to say it, but I feel like it needs to be said anyway: "That's why you don't invite people just to be polite." If he has a history of being surly and unpleasant, then he's probably going to continue being surly and unpleasant. If you were hoping to play without him, you really shouldn't have told him otherwise.

Hopefully things work out for ya, but if they don't...maybe make it a point to forget to tell him about the next one?

Amaril
2015-02-02, 09:15 PM
It doesn't really do any good to say it, but I feel like it needs to be said anyway: "That's why you don't invite people just to be polite." If he has a history of being surly and unpleasant, then he's probably going to continue being surly and unpleasant. If you were hoping to play without him, you really shouldn't have told him otherwise.

Hopefully things work out for ya, but if they don't...maybe make it a point to forget to tell him about the next one?

Trust me, were I in charge, I wouldn't have invited him at all. But our DM thought it was the thing to do, and since he's also kinda my dad, it would've been a little difficult to say no to him...

Solaris
2015-02-02, 09:21 PM
Some advice my father (also my first DM, and the best one I've had... if only because the other one was a complete a-hole) gave me: Don't borrow trouble.

Wait until S shows up with a surly attitude and makes the game less fun. Know what you should do then? Ignore him. It sounds like he's not being actively disruptive, only passively surly. So let it roll off ya like water off a duck's tailfeathers and keep on enjoying the game.
Who knows? Maybe he'll be a better player than a DM, now that he's had some time to play the other side of the screen for a bit.

goto124
2015-02-02, 09:24 PM
Would your DM prepare character sheets for the new player, and generally try to make things easier for him?

Amaril
2015-02-02, 09:26 PM
Would your DM prepare character sheets for the new player, and generally try to make things easier for him?

He wouldn't make the guy's character for him, but he'd definitely sit down with him and talk him through the options to make sure he understood everything. We're not completely sure the new guy is coming, actually, since he's been incommunicado for a little while, but assuming he is, one of our possible plans was for him to show up early so they could do just that.

Mr Beer
2015-02-02, 09:27 PM
Don't worry unless it's actually a problem. If he turns up and is surly and annoying, that's the time to take action. Not much you can do if the GM wants to let it slide though.

GungHo
2015-02-03, 09:35 AM
Aside: It's really cool that you and your dad can hang out like this.

Anyway, let the guy come in and play a while. If he really is still a jerk about everything, then disinvite him and tell him why it's not working out.

Garimeth
2015-02-03, 03:33 PM
Some advice my father (also my first DM, and the best one I've had... if only because the other one was a complete a-hole) gave me: Don't borrow trouble.

Wait until S shows up with a surly attitude and makes the game less fun. Know what you should do then? Ignore him. It sounds like he's not being actively disruptive, only passively surly. So let it roll off ya like water off a duck's tailfeathers and keep on enjoying the game.
Who knows? Maybe he'll be a better player than a DM, now that he's had some time to play the other side of the screen for a bit.

Literally everything Solaris said.

Jay R
2015-02-04, 12:56 PM
Nothing's happened yet. We cannot advise on a problem until there is an actual problem.

obryn
2015-02-04, 01:38 PM
First, I can't wait until my kids are old enough for me to run a game for them. That's just awesome.


Some advice my father (also my first DM, and the best one I've had... if only because the other one was a complete a-hole) gave me: Don't borrow trouble.

Wait until S shows up with a surly attitude and makes the game less fun. Know what you should do then? Ignore him. It sounds like he's not being actively disruptive, only passively surly. So let it roll off ya like water off a duck's tailfeathers and keep on enjoying the game.
Who knows? Maybe he'll be a better player than a DM, now that he's had some time to play the other side of the screen for a bit.
This is spot-on advice, here.

I think it was a good idea to invite him for politeness; your dad was right there. He accepted, hopefully gratefully, so give him the benefit of the doubt. If he becomes problematic, look at booting him later.

Amaril
2015-02-04, 02:12 PM
Alright, thanks guys. You're right, I'm probably catastrophizing. It's unclear at the moment whether we're playing this Friday or next, but I'll see how it goes when we do.

Segev
2015-02-05, 04:29 PM
Yeah, first thing is, wait and see. Maybe it'll be fine.

If it is not fine, don't be passive. Certainly don't be passive aggressive. If he seems to be doing the surly, just-barely-putting-up-with-being-here thing, ask him (politely) about it. "Is something wrong?"

If he indicates he's fine, don't let it slide. Let him know why you asked, and ask him again. Make it clear you're concerned that he's not having fun. And if he insists he is, let him know his attitude is damping yours. Attitude is something people can work on.

Generally, communicate. If there's a problem, let him know. Politely, but unambiguously. Try to work with him to come up with solutions. Honesty, even if it's not gentle, goes a long way. ("Ungentle" does not mean "not polite.")

Amaril
2015-02-05, 04:34 PM
Looks like we are, in fact, playing this Friday. S has signed on as a halfling rogue, which is a big departure from the characters he's played in the past (he's always favored dumb and/or gruff fighter types). The fact that he's doing something different in that regard makes me optimistic that he might be playing differently in other ways.

Lathund
2015-02-05, 05:41 PM
The fact that he's doing something different in that regard makes me optimistic that he might be playing differently in other ways.

Well, don't be too optimistic about this. By and large, he's still the same person.

But I wish you all good luck! And I, too, would love to have that sort of contact with my father.