The D&D alignment story

[Baxter Konrad]

This was born of illness and insomnia. For some reason I thought it was hilarious, so I thought I'd share. It's a story intended to help demonstrate how each alignment behaves. My own biases may be showing through here...

A party of nine adventurers are summoned by the king and commanded to slay a Vampire Lord at all costs. The party learns the Vampire is hiding in an orphanage. As the party approach, someone suggests that they should just burn the orphanage down to kill the vampire.

LG: “What!? Seriously man! Not only is burning orphans to death so far past wrong it can't see right any more, but it also breaks at least a dozen fire safety laws!”
CG: “Dude! He's talking about BURNING KIDS ALIVE and you're worried about upsetting the fire department? Get your priorities straight!”
NG: “Look, nobody's saying burning kids to death is a good thing! Just chill! LG does have a point, sort of – we COULD burn the place down, but ONLY if we can get the kids out and there isn't another way to deal with the Vampire.”
LN: “I'm not sure. I mean, on the one hand the king did say 'at all costs', but like LG said this is breaking a lot of laws. Does the direct order of a king trump the national charter? I'm going to need someone with a couple of ranks in Knowledge [Legal precedent] for this.”
TN: “Arf! Arf arf! Yip!”
CN: “Okay, so on the one hand burning the Vampire to death means fame and riches and lots of young girls to sleep with. On the other hand, burning kids to death means dancing the hempen jig, and I'm not entirely sure that Vampire is hated enough that they'd overlook the burning the kids thing. I say we go to the bar or something until the Vampire kills the kids, THEN we can burn the place down and be heroes. And get laid. I would REALLY like to get laid once in my life.”
LE: “Sorry, what? I can't hear you over the sound of children burning to death.”
NE: “Dude! What the ****!?”
LE: “What? The king said 'at all costs!' Ends justify the means!”
NE: “But I wanted to do it! I bought the lamp oil! When do we EVER get to burn down an orphanage!? Seriously, now I'm going to have to find a Vampire, help him grow in power, find another rich kingdom and set this whole scenario up again just so I get to burn an orphanage down! It was on my damn bucket-list man! Also, I deserve a bigger cut of the reward because I bought the lamp oil!”
CE: “I put my finger in my bum and now it smells of poop!”
TN: *whine!*
NE: “Why is there a baby in our party?”
CN: “Don't ask me.”
NG: “Nobody ever does, don't worry.”
CG: “The poor thing must be lost!”
LG: “We can't leave a toddler out in the street all alone!”
LN: “Yeah. We should turn him over to the proper authorities.”
LE: “I agree.” *Picks up CE* “Come here, little fella! Back in the orphanage you go!”

[Karl Aegis]

I like how Neutral Evil is the only one who shows an acceptable amount of intelligence.

[Blackhawk748]

I like how Neutral Evil is the only one who shows an acceptable amount of intelligence.

I had a good chuckle

Though personally i believe that NG and CG should be flipped.

[kardar233]

I like how Neutral Evil is the only one who shows an acceptable amount of intelligence.

CN has a fairly rational view of the situation, too.

[Nemirthel]

The sad part is how many people actually think they're supposed to play like this.

[Shin]

Now that's a nice case of "Lawful Stupid" :smallbiggrin:
"Hey, the invading army has no visas!"

[dascarletm]

The sad part is how many people actually think they're supposed to play like this.
:smallconfused:
Are you implying that DnD is not meant to be played this way?


You're missing out.

[illyahr]

This is great! OP wins a cookie. :smallbiggrin:


:smallconfused:
Are you implying that DnD is not meant to be played this way?


You're missing out.

That's what I was thinking. They are all caricatures, but they are all accurate.

[Nemirthel]

:smallconfused:
Are you implying that DnD is not meant to be played this way?


You're missing out.

I was mostly thinking of the players who think chaotic evil means they can never do anything logical or non-evil, or that lawful good means they're obligated to smite jaywalkers. It's fun to have some of this going on, but it gets boring when your paladin tells you to stop killing things because they might not be evil.

[Svata]

CN has a fairly rational view of the situation, too.

Which deeply confuses me.

[daryen]

While I give props for implying all babies and toddlers are inherently CE, I think the CE character was not effectively used.

To me, it should have run about the same, only without any input from the CE. Then, right at the end ...

CE walks up to group and says, "What are you guys talking about? Sorry, I missed what was said while taking care of the problem."
Everyone looks up to see the orphanage burning to the ground.

[Baxter Konrad]

Which deeply confuses me.
I see CN as a teenage rebel alignment. Out for themselves, no real goal or motivation beyond personal gain.

I hate CE as an alignment because it feels to me like the PC just wants to wreck stuff and be childish childish, hence casting it as a child

[Blackhawk748]

I see CN as a teenage rebel alignment. Out for themselves, no real goal or motivation beyond personal gain.

I hate CE as an alignment because it feels to me like the PC just wants to wreck stuff and be childish, hence casting it as a child

Ya thats Chaotic Stupid Evil Stupid, though i will admit CE doesnt play well with most other alignments (CN and NE being the two it works with most frequently) Now does CE want to destroy things? Usually. Do they have to be childlike about this? Hell no. Look at Ashardalon (who im pretty sure is CE). Now theres a guy who knows how to be awesome while being evil.

[oxybe]

I'm pretty sure it would go like this

LG : Begins writing a sternly worded letter directed at the vampire, politely requesting him to vacate the area and pay an amount of gold to the orphanage in restitution due to emotional trauma caused to the orphans during this period.

NG : Heads over to lumber yard to find a good piece of oak and offers a few coppers to a local farmer for some fresh garlic. Finds local priest to bless the water in his skin.

CG : Begins planning, then leaves to start picketing that the orphans' rights are being trampled upon when he realizes over reading the charter LN has brought out states that the orphans are "too young" to vote for their next king. Whatever that means.

LN : Has several charters, tomes and maps and trying to find what the absolute allowed limits of what the party can do to resolve this issue within this geo-political area, as well as historical precedents on how other parties of adventurers have dealt with orphanages that were held hostage by nosferatu.

TN : Warns party that he's open for whatever they are, but he will switch sides mid-fight if the vampire begins losing.

CN : Not really up for fighting vampires right now as he's still got a few gold to spend before he needs to fill up his purse once more. Is already out the door and en route to the local tavern with the cheapest ale and wenches.

LE : While everyone is planning, gets vampire on the payroll with promise of more orphans another town over. Makes deal with mayor of next town over to solve their booming orphan poplulation after most of the town's adult men were killed in a raid by surprisingly heavily-armed bandits soon after a royal shipment of weapons was stolen. All these are definitely just coincidences.

NE : Doesn't care how the group proceeds as he has already looted everything inside the orphanage the night before. There wasn't much.

CE : Is chuckling to himself in a corner as he can't wait for the vampire to realize the orphans are already dead and on fire. And missing their pants.

[atemu1234]

I like how Neutral Evil is the only one who shows an acceptable amount of intelligence.

Calm, rational and evil to the core.


:smallconfused:
Are you implying that DnD is not meant to be played this way?


You're missing out.

But *gasp* it's badwrongfun!

[Baxter Konrad]

And so here I am, wanting to write more alignment silliness! :smallbiggrin:

Following their 'success' of their mission to slay the Vampire Lord, the Great King commanded the Party to go forth and find the Holy Grail. Not knowing where it lay, the party was split and searched high and low. Three were sent to search the Path of Law; two to the Path of Chaos; and the remaining three walked the Middle Path.

And so, high in the dangerous peaks of the mountains, three heroes approach a thin bridge over a bottomless gorge...

LG: "The legends say that the Path of Law shall present us with three challenges - the test of the body, of the mind, and of the soul."
LE: "Well, you've got the soul covered. I've got the body and the mind."
LN: "I could take the body!"
LE: "Yes, but I'd like to succeed on this quest! The only reason Lawful Stupid over there is going to do the soul test is because the game will be rigged to only allow a Good character to pick up the Grail."
LG: "Maybe LN should take the test of mind, since you're dumb enough to tell me to my face you're going to backstab me."
LE: "I never said that! I want to complete this quest just like you do!"
LN: "Really? No ulterior motives at all?"
LE: "Not against you lot, no."
LG: "And there's the Blackguard I've been waiting for!"

BRIDGE KEEPER: "Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three!"
LG: "What happens if we don't answer correctly?"
BRIDGE KEEPER: "Then you shall go flying into the gorge!"
LN: "Okay... party huddle!"
LE: "I say we kill him."
LG: "Err... why?"
LE: "He just threatened to hurl us into a bottomless pit! You don't threaten heroes on a quest!"
LN: "You think we're the first people to think of that? If it was that easy, someone would have done it by now. We have to play his game."
LG: "Then we're agreed? Good! Who's going first?"
LN + LE: "You are!"
LG: "Of course I am. *sighs* Ask me your questions, bridge keeper. I am not afraid!"
BRIDGE KEEPER: "What... is your name?"
LG: "Lawful Good the Paladin!"
BRIDGE KEEPER: "What... is your quest?"
LG: "To seek the Holy Grail!"
BRIDGE KEEPER: "What... is the third word of the ninth paragraph of the second chapter of the book Articles of Trivial Arbitrations by H.L. Dogell?"
LG: "..."
LN: "Well, there goals the Pal-"
LG: "Matter."
BRIDGE KEEPER: "Right! Off you go!"
LN: "... WHAT!?"
LE: "Hey, it's not OUR fault you used Intelligence as a dump stat!"
LN: "You've got to help me!"
LE: "Why?"
LN: "Because... because we're a party!"
LE: "Party members die."
LG: "BECAUSE A PALADIN IS BETTER THAN YOU AT SOLVING RIDDLES!"
LE: "You are not!"
LG: "PROVE IT!"
LE: "...you got lucky. Bridge keeper!"
BRIDGE KEEPER: "What... is your n-URK!"
LE: "Shut up. My turn to ask questions. What is your name?"
BRIDGE KEEPER: "Bridge Keeper!"
LE: "What is your quest?"
BRIDGE KEEPER: "I don't have one! I just ask-"
LE: "What am I going to do to you next?"
BRIDGE KEEPER: "...kill me? AAAAAAAAaaaahhh ... ... ... *splat*"
LE: "No. The correct answer is 'leave you be' and let LN have a go."
LN: "Oh thank the Gods! Still, I wish you could have found a solution without cheating. It feels... wrong."
LG: "..."
LE: "..."
LN: "... what?"
LG: "Which one of us is 'Lawful Stupid' again?"
LE: "Just roll your sleeves up, Pally; someone's going to need Lay on Hands in a moment!"

[Dayaz]

I see CN as a teenage rebel alignment. Out for themselves, no real goal or motivation beyond personal gain.

I hate CE as an alignment because it feels to me like the PC just wants to wreck stuff and be childish childish, hence casting it as a child

If it helps with any future games, my group looks at CE as that the character has an overbearing hatred/ desire to utterly destroy one or more types of things. Likes knowledge, goblins, orphans, ect.

So as a demonstration: I played a CE Barbarian in a mostly NG and CG party, who's things was he was in love with a bar wench in our main city. Anything that could be either a threat to her, or to him seeing her again, he would rage and rip to pieces with a smile on his face and a song in his heart, but he wasn't over all a bad guy. He wasn't so good with laws (none of the town guard was strong enough to truly enforce them against him, and the party thought it was funny to watch him bully -but never harm- the town guard), but he didn't roam around picking pointless fights with babies and killing indiscriminately. Think Drax the Destroyer from Guardians of the Galaxy. His only goal is the destruction of Ronan, and he'll do anything to achieve it, but he's really not a terrible guy.

[Baxter Konrad]

If it helps with any future games, my group looks at CE as that the character has an overbearing hatred/ desire to utterly destroy one or more types of things. Likes knowledge, goblins, orphans, ect.

So as a demonstration: I played a CE Barbarian in a mostly NG and CG party, who's things was he was in love with a bar wench in our main city. Anything that could be either a threat to her, or to him seeing her again, he would rage and rip to pieces with a smile on his face and a song in his heart, but he wasn't over all a bad guy. He wasn't so good with laws (none of the town guard was strong enough to truly enforce them against him, and the party thought it was funny to watch him bully -but never harm- the town guard), but he didn't roam around picking pointless fights with babies and killing indiscriminately. Think Drax the Destroyer from Guardians of the Galaxy. His only goal is the destruction of Ronan, and he'll do anything to achieve it, but he's really not a terrible guy.

I just don't find that interesting. Not a player, not as a DM. I'm fine with using monsters that exist just to wreck stuff, but any character that is intended to be more than just a random encounter is never going to be Chaotic Evil if I'm holding the DMG. Lawful Evil covers the villains with the big schemes, grand ambitions and, more importantly, enough intelligence to realise the value in a conquered nation is its industrial output, not the stack of gold in the king's vault. Neutral Evil handles the rest. Chaotic Evil, if it happens, isn't an option for player characters - it's the alignment for the villain whose been staring at Cthulhu. It's true insanity, and D&D isn't the right game for characters who go insane.

[oxybe]

Honestly speaking, I personally find alignments as a system to be somewhere between poppycock and horsedoodie in terms of usefulness. It barely eeks out a bit of usefulness as a concept.

Evil is selfish above all else, Chaotic is about personal freedom. A Chaotic Evil values their goals, ideas and wants above everyone else's.

However, if that's the only way you play the character, you're playing a caricature and quite honestly a boring one. The opposite is also true with Lawful Good: if the character shows no sign of personal desires and has no willingness to do what's right for them instead of buckling to the weight of "the man", the character is boring.

CE can have friends, family, loved ones. It can have goals that also involve those people in a happy end. I am playing a CE Witch in our pathfinder game.

She's flighty at times and can do stuff on a whim but ultimately, she's loyal to the party. She tends to view some of the party members as resources, but some she still cares about. Kind of like a guard dog that's equipped in full plate and uses a warhammer. You play with it, feed it, care for it. It's just a dumb dog, but it's still a valued companion and friend.

She has used a party member as part of her research into hexes, curses and whatnot. It just happened that the barbarian wanted to become a weretiger, I had a few vials of weretiger blood on hand and a loose sense of ethics & morals (we killed one in the campaign a little bit before the barb not-so-subtly said "Man... I wish I was made into a weretiger."). So I made him into a weretiger. Sure I was kinda just throwing curses to the wall, praying to my dark lord and watching to see what sticks, but hey you can't make a cockatrice without cracking a few rooster eggs, huh? This one just happened to crack in a way that benefited us. I don't think the cleric knows yet. Fun times ahead!

She has summoned demons in front of the party, though the last time was to stop a dangerous enemy that had escaped previously from escaping again (stupid teleporting stupidfaces. I'll dimensional anchor you in the face with my bone devil!). The cleric gave me a scolding afterwards but even he admitted it at least worked and that ogre-faced jerk didn't(couldn't) run off again. They also don't complain when I summon Fiendish Dinosaurs, though the first time I accompanied it with a Gregorian chanting of "Walk the dinosaur", well that wasn't held in as high regard.

Spells that cripple the body and subjugate the mind are par for the course. I have no problem turning an enemy into a lame duck, ready for the sword. If that means turning their free will off, their brain into mush and their body into a puppet for my enjoyment, well they messed with my buddies first: no one messes with them except me. They're my friends, the few oddballs that allowed me into their inner circle and gave me a place to belong. And I swear to my dark lord if you mess with them you better pray to your god that I don't find you. Because I hold a grudge. The statue on my lawn is proof of that.

As is the fact that I ground off the mouth.

That is chaotic evil working for the party: a little bit flighty and a loose sense of ethics, but all directed towards reaching the goals of the party in an way possible.

[illyahr]

Good times

This should be a reference quote on how to play CE. Well played, sir.