List of Mostly Useless Magic Items

[TheFlyingBrick]

Although we didn't start with the D&D stable alliterative 'in an Inn', a serious metaphysical discussion in the pub gave rise to an observation; that quality control at the magic item sweatshops is superb - there never seem to be any duds of anything on the market. Everything works exactly as it should, and everything is really useful - even the cursed items.

This is patently absurd, unless you want to really argue that your D&D realm is some sort of Free Market utopia where the competition ensures high standards. Our theory (well, mine, mostly) is that there must be some magic items in circulation which didn't quite work out as intended, or were conceived by the apprentice, subject to the Friday Afternoon rule, or deliberately made down to a budget for the 1GP Magic Store chain.

Mostly these items will start to creep into campaigns either as nuisance items, obscure use, or just of the lolz by creating a sudden panic when the item does something completely irrelevant and unexpected. A small sample of the list is below, but I would welcome some more if you have any;

Wand of Pointing: casts really minor light spell, useful vs cats.
Cloak of Dramatic Billowing: makes anyone look heroic (optional +1 charm), but a downright liability when you're trying to sneak up on people
Candle of Incandescence: an apparently normal candle until lit, then everyone in 10' radius gets very cross indeed
Scroll of Striking: upon incantation, all NPCs/Hirelings immediately form a worker's committee and take industrial action
Gauntlets of Self Abuse: oh good lord, he's doing it again
Triangle of Ting: Smells suspicious. Summons 1D3 dreadlocked Buffalo Soldiers, who are pacifists, and very hungry. User gets +2 to JAH (not CHA)
Ring of Turning Undead: Congratulations, the zombies now enjoy an alternative lifestyle. Otherwise, does nothing to stop the encroachment of undead, gay or otherwise.
Bag of Insufficient Volume: Everything just doesn't quite fit in this magical sack of frustration
Amulet of Referring To Oneself In 3rd Person: Early onset narcissism.
Shatner's Bassoon: An... apparently... normal... instrument... except... for... constant... dramatic... pauses. Girdle and ripped shirt optional.
Rock of Returning: S'funny, could have sworn I threw that thing away.
Drumkit of Dolphin Summoning: Does exactly what it says on the tin. Quite what the party are supposed to do with the 4D20 dolphins that have just entered the material plane is anyone's guess
Shield of Continuity Error: It's on the left arm, then the right, the left again, etc. Best used by the ambidextrous.

More follows as I think of them.

[GorinichSerpant]

Those 4D20 dolphins could be very useful for some hungry people.

Wand of SneezingYou point at someone and they sneeze, could hypothetically be used to trip someone up in combat, but it has failed to be successful so far.

[Epoch]

These are all great! Here are a few off the top of my head:

Sword of Studio Applause: Explosive applause every time the sword is drawn or kills an enemy. Laugh track if the wielder crit-fails on an attack roll.
Diadem of Upward Inflection: The wearer always sounds like they're asking a question?
Dole's Amulet: The wearer is now cursed: Whenever they peel a banana, they will NEVER be able to get rid of the icky stringy bits.
Decanter of Endless Milk: Unfortunately, the milk expired centuries ago.
Breeches of Trust: Once per day, the wearer makes very uncomfortable advances on a random party member.
Quill of Rage: An ordinary quill that will only write when you scribble in the corner to make sure it is working.
Rod of Castellation: An intelligent item that will loudly comment on the quality of construction of any structure you happen to be near.
Tasha's Hideous Bowler: An enchanted hat so utterly unfashionable that it causes anyone within a 20ft radius to point and snigger, but only when the wearer isn't looking.
Ring of Doom: Allows the wearer to discern the location of any enemies hidden behind secret doors or walls. However, the only way to discover hidden foes is by knocking on every surface of the room to the tune of "Shave and a haircut" until the enemy is compelled to finish it.

[AbyssStalker]

Boots of Banana Resistance: You now have advantage on any Dex(acrobatics) rolls when slipping on a banana.

[GorinichSerpant]

Boots of Banana Resistance: You now have advantage on any Dex(acrobatics) rolls when slipping on a banana.

I don't know what about this item makes it funnier then the other ones. It just somehow is.

Ring of Mutual Ignorance This ring makes you unnoticeable to people who you are not aware of. This often leads you to bumping into a person your trying to stealth around, where by ruining the magic.

[TheFlyingBrick]

Arsonist's Tinderbox: An otherwise innocuous tinderbox that sets fire to everything - flammable or not - in a 20' radius.
Ring of Ring of Fire: Start every morning with a blood curdling scream
Wand of Persistent Drizzle: Everyone within an 80' radius gets damp and miserable after 1D6 turns.
Plate Armour: Dishwasher & Microwave safe, unfortunately shatters on impact

[kaoskonfety]

Ring of the Lamb - sings insistently, in high pitched slightly off key braying. It never ends...
Unportable hole - Its a hole, good job
Taliasman of Ultimate Neutrality - Does nothing, ever, but is silently judging you for being an extremist
Boots of Halfling kind - makes your feet very hairy
Girdle of Kobold Strength - Makes your strength score 6 (yes this would have been a decent bonus to carry capacity on a few characters over the years)
Well of many Earls - Every time you open it, its full of landed nobility and guys named Earl, sometimes both, none of therm are happy with the situation
Robe of useless items - a rubber chicken, 100' of dental floss in 1' pieces, the busted four foot ladder your father never threw out, a burned out rusted pot, 22 pounds of worn out roofing shingles, 8 pieces soggy firewood, the rotted hull of a canoe, a key to that lock you lost ages ago, half of an ashtray
Talisman of Ziggy - Helps you empathise with the comic character Ziggy
Rubik Gate - A Rubiks cube that when solved makes you feel clever, it may also open a gateway to hell, but you solved the puzzle, so whatever.

[eastmabl]

Those 4D20 dolphins could be very useful for some hungry people.

I have all these cans of tuna to fill!

[Gwendol]

Breeches of Trust: Once per day, the wearer makes very uncomfortable advances on a random party member.


Surely that has to be the Breeches of Thrust? ;-)

[Shining Wrath]

Boots of Bacon: Useful if you want to grease Paul Bunyan's griddle by skating across it.

Belt of many pouches: has storage room for all the magic components, coins, trinkets, and similar small items you will ever own. Requires a DC 25 Int check to remember which pouch a particular item is in.

Earl Grey's pot: Allows you to pour 6 cups of delicious tea, once per day. Unfortunately does not come with matching cups.

[supergoji18]

The Book of Bland Neutrality: The ultimate guide to being as boring and non-Good or Evil there is. Its pages are blank.

[Bubzors]

Robe if useless items - a rubber chicken, 100' of dental floss in 1' pieces, the busted four foot ladder your father never threw out, a burned out rusted pot, 22 pounds of worn out roofing shingles, 8 pieces soggy firewood, the rotted hull of a canoe, a key to that lock you lost ages ago, half of anot ashtray[/QUOTE]

ha lost it on this one. My favorite

[Shining Wrath]

The Ultimate Book of Ultimate Law: the text of every law ever enacted, anywhere, anywhen. It is arranged alphabetically by the words of the first sentence in the law with no index or table of contents.

The Book of Ultimate Chaos: a single page that says "Why do you care what I think? Make up your own mind!"

The Bottle of Breezes: a 5 mph breeze blows in the direction you point the neck of the bottle, 5' wide, 10' long. Lasts 3 rounds per day.

[Eldan]

Belt of many pouches: has storage room for all the magic components, coins, trinkets, and similar small items you will ever own. Requires a DC 25 Int check to remember which pouch a particular item is in..

That reminds me of one we once had in a campaign. The pouch of many pouches. Anyone reaching in can retrieve a slightly smaller pouch every round.

[EvanescentHero]

That reminds me of one we once had in a campaign. The pouch of many pouches. Anyone reaching in can retrieve a slightly smaller pouch every round.

Was there a cap? How small could these pouches get?

P.S. I'm bookmarking this thread for useless crap to give my players if I ever need it.

[TheFlyingBrick]

Some more

Ring Of Low Self Esteem; because you're not worth it
Bag of Withholding; you'll never get any of it back
Sword of Misplaced Ownership; "Oi! That's my sword!"
Book of Middle Distance; immediately transforms user into catalogue model.
The Enormous Magnificent Bejewelled Codpiece of Introversion; wearer seeks to avoid the limelight at all costs

[Shining Wrath]

From Hitchhiker's Guide because awesome:
A Towel of Hitchhiking, grants a +3 bonus to flagging down a ride, but only if the bearer is floating in outer space.
A Somebody Else's Problem Field Cloak: grants a +20 bonus to Hide checks.

From Lord of the Rings:
A Ring of Eagle Summoning, allows you to summon 3 Giant Eagles at the end of the campaign
A Pen of Peter Jackson Scriptwriting: Allows you to see the DM's notes and completely rewrite his plot to add more romance while removing logical coherency

[Yagyujubei]

"" Sword of Studio Applause: Explosive applause every time the sword is drawn or kills an enemy. Laugh track if the wielder crit-fails on an attack roll. ""


oooooh my god do i support this in a sillier game setting. to take it even further just make it a sword of 80's sitcom, and have it do the full shebang with background music, ooohs, aaaahs, oh's of shock, laughter....everything, and make it so that when you wield it an npc appears at random to help keep the plot moving.

[TheFlyingBrick]

"" Sword of Studio Applause: Explosive applause every time the sword is drawn or kills an enemy. Laugh track if the wielder crit-fails on an attack roll. ""


oooooh my god do i support this in a sillier game setting. to take it even further just make it a sword of 80's sitcom, and have it do the full shebang with background music, ooohs, aaaahs, oh's of shock, laughter....everything, and make it so that when you wield it an npc appears at random to help keep the plot moving.

I'd alter that to Sword of Soap Opera; causes resurrection of random NPCs from two or more campaigns back, plus everyone is immediately related in some way.

Rod Of Studio Set; that fortress, why does the wall wobble when the door shuts?

[dev6500]

Bag of Infinite Gold - because you can't buy magic items in 5e. Also, its very heavy and will kill you if it falls on you.

[Shining Wrath]

Spear of Straight Man: Keeps feeding the wielder set up lines, gets a +1 each time the wielder recognizes the set up and makes a funny. The +1's are additive. However, a groaner sets the total back to zero.

[Icewraith]

Gorilla Glass- This elegant looking wineglass does nothing unusual until it is filled with liquid and someone attempts to drink from it. The drinker must make a dc15 dex save or take 8d6 bludgeoning damage when the liquid turns into an enraged adult gorilla mid-sip. The gorilla tries to kill the drinker until one of them is slain, at which point the gorilla evaporates.

[Kerrin]

Wand of SneezingYou point at someone and they sneeze, could hypothetically be used to trip someone up in combat, but it has failed to be successful so far.
This one could be useful for interrupting someone in the middle of casting a spell.

I can picture the evil bad guy nearing the end of a long and complex ritual .... then AH-CHOO!

Especially funny if summoning something dangerous and now that something dangerous is no longer controlled in any way.

[Kid Jake]

Monocle Of Blinding: A cursed item made with dark glass which obscures ALL mundane forms of vision. Requires the other eye to be closed for the curse to function.

[RedMage125]

Invisible Ring: Good luck finding it!

Beats of Elvenkind: This somewhat garish and ungainly (but somehow perceived to be stylish) headgear provides to your ears the finest quality Elven Music, at the cost of dampening out all other noise. Gives Disadvantage on all Wisdom (Perception) checks based on hearing.

Woolly Bulette: This is a plush toy of a Bulette. It is very cute, and when squeezed, plays a few bars from an older song that everyone finds catchy, but no one quite knows the lyrics to.

Snap, Kraken, Pop: This box made of oddly firm paper-like substance contains a delicious puffed rice that is edible and nutritious. If milk is poured over the rice, it makes a snapping, popping sound. There is a 33% chance that it will instead make the third sound, upon which a live kraken is summoned from the briny deeps and now occupies your cereal bowl. The kraken is immediately hostile.

Dancing Pole: Often mistaken by the name for a weapon capable of fighting independently of the wielder, upon speaking the command word, this cursed staff instead plants itself into the ground vertically, and forces the wielder to remain in the square, affected as if by a failed save against Otto's Irresistible Dance. In addition, the cursed individual's AC is lowered by 1 every round that he or she remains dancing, as the individual's armor is slowly peeled off piece by piece (this is an exception to normal removal time for armor). Unarmored individuals are not affected in this manner. At the end of each affected round, the cursed individual may attempt a CHA save (DC 15). Success causes the dancing to stop.

Unnatural Axe: This +3 weapon (any axe) is so horrendous, so unsightly, that most Good or Neutral people are offended by the sight of it, and will likely not tolerate it in their community. The wielder can expect to be shunned (at best), chased out of town, or even put on trial and punished, sentenced to whatever the (mightily offended) judge or magistrate sees fit for such an obvious sicko.

Plotable Hole: This tear in the fabric of storyline/continuity-space can be exploited to cause NPCs to suddenly remember that they were killed, like, 8 sessions ago, and suddenly change the time of day as the Powers That Be are reminded that they just said the sun was shining and it couldn't possibly be midnight.

Ampersand: This item is a metal object, about a foot in length and shaped like a "&" with slightly draconic features. Upon coming into contact with any true dragon, it will immediately transport that dragon into a "dungeon", where it will be forced to remain until it is slain, or ceases to become a true dragon (like becoming a Shadow Dragon or Dracolich, but Changing Shape does not count). Dragons banished by PCs in this manner do not award any XP for "defeating" them. Also, the dragon's hoard is transported with it.

And finally, because I just love it (but can't take credit for it)...
The Armoire of Invincibility: This legendary wardrobe is impervious to damage from all sources. It appears to be crafted from fine darkwood, but it's weight would almost make one think that it is made from pure adamantine. A particularly mighty warrior might be able to carry it by himself, should he steady it with both hands, and leave it resting atop the crown of his head, perfectly aligned with his spine (http://www.nuklearpower.com/2002/08/02/episode-180-headin-to-pravoka/). As a piece of furniture, its quality and craftsmanship are beyond compare, and it houses a number of frocks, dresses, and tunics, with plenty of drawer space for leggings and hose.

My twisted sense of humor also came up with some others that are not appropriate for the forums, but I will mention the name only, here in this:
Date Rapier
D**k of Many Things - More of a Curse than an item
Tentacle Rod - Similar name to the DMG item, different purpose

[Gritmonger]

Several manufacturers have tried to capitalize on popular, sought-after objects with slight variations on the name. Many of these are sold with no warranty.

Able Porthole - A much smaller "Portable Hole" that simply creates a face-sized visible window through as much as a foot of wood or steel, visible on both sides. It does not store anything, and frequent use (more than ten minutes at a time) causes a Poisoned condition (seasickness) in anyone without the Sailor background.

Hole-able Port - A flask of dark red liquid that, when poured, allows a person to create small supporting rings out of the liquid. A chain of up to fifty foot of length can be created, but evaporates within ten minutes, leaving dark red stains on any users that last an in-game week, or until cleaned magically. The flask replenishes by the next morning.

Able Whole-Port - A pair of hand-sized disks that, when placed each on a surface, allow an object to pass through one to the other as if there is no intervening space. One cannot look through the pair of portals without a looking glass that extends beyond the surface. If one is removed from a surface before the other, and there is an object there... the Whole-Port of the name becomes a liar and thereafter ceases to function. The nature of the damage or injury is up to DM discretion.

[Kyutaru]

Those 4D20 dolphins could be very useful for some hungry people.

Wand of SneezingYou point at someone and they sneeze, could hypothetically be used to trip someone up in combat, but it has failed to be successful so far.

Dolphins are highly intelligent sentient beings with communication skills! You cannot eat them!! But that many brilliant sea creatures can make scouring the infinite depths of the seas for something quite a bit easier. Summoning 4d20 dolphins is what you do if you need to find sunken treasure, lost ships, or sahaugin cities.

[KiltieMacPipes]

These are all great! Here are a few off the top of my head:
Breeches of Trust: Once per day, the wearer makes very uncomfortable advances on a random party member.

That is the greatest name ever.

[Gritmonger]

Hayward's Handy Haversack - A normal Haversack until you have to make a Dexterity save, at which point the Haversack gives you advantage, at the expense of supporting you with multiple extruded hands - in - less than comfortable ways.

Hueward's Handy Haversack - A normal Haversack that displays its special property once you put any damaged item in it. Damaged items left in the Haversack for a day are repaired as if exposed to the "mending" cantrip. Only one random item of several is affected if more than one is put in at a time.

Howard's Handy Haversack - A normal Haversack that always appears when you seem to need it, usually just as you turn around and start to look.

[JAL_1138]

Painbrush: Looks like an ordinary paintbrush, but gradually causes the artist to develop severe carpal tunnel syndrome, cluster headaches set off by paint fumes, and chronic back pain over the course of several paintings made with it. These do not go away when the brush is no longer used; only Remove Curse or Wish can end these conditions.

Phat Lute: An oversized and extremely valuable-looking lute that causes any person in possession to disregard any societal notion of politeness or self-restraint, seeking to annoy and enrage others at every opportunity. No one can make the connection between these behaviors and the lute without a DC 25 INT check.

Pi'tuie's Potable Hole: A portable hole that can only hold safe (potable) drinking-water (hence that part of the name); all other objects are rejected with great force when the hole is moved, aimed directly at whoever put them in it. If a character attempts to remain in it when it is moved, they will be ejected (accompanied by a loud noise that sounds like "PTOOEY!" audible for a 300yd radius, hence the other part of the name) and take a minimum of half their maximum potential HP (calculated by assuming maximum rolls on hit dice and constitution of 20) in bludgeoning damage from either a fall or impact with nearby objects.

Bag of It's Got To Be In Here Somewhere: Functions as a bag of holding, but is constantly filled with random junk in addition to the contents. It always takes a full hour to find the item(s) one wishes to take out of it, during which the character cannot gain the benefit of a short rest.

Da Mytt's Dog Collar: This collar allows an animal to automatically find its owner, regardless of how difficult or unlikely it would otherwise be, if it is possible for the animal to find them at all without abilities the animal does not possess. However, it makes any animal it is placed on disobey commands in the most frustrating manner possible that does not entail actual hostility, in ways that may defy the laws of physics. For example, a dog instructed to "fetch the keys!" with said keys hanging on a nail five feet away from it, will instead completely-inexplicably return with one of the following: harpsichord keyboard keys, the ceremonial key to the city, a kiwi bird, a kiwi fruit, a large blue batlike creature, a portal key from Sigil that does not function outside it (if the characters are in the Material Plane), a monkey named Kiki that steals 1d20 of the highest-denomination coins in the character's inventory before escaping, the sign from a pub called the Cross Keys, or (if there is a monk in the party) one point from the monk's current pool of Ki points, recoverable only by taking it back from the dog. Characters attempting to figure out how that last one even works take 1d4 nonlethal psychic damage.

[Gnomes2169]

Bucket of really, really old cheese: No seriously, it's that old. Yes, it is a liquid. No, you don't want to touch it.

Weird purple liquid: Tastes oddly like fermented grapes... And gives you blue hair. And when you die, you turn into more of the stuff. So you probably just drank someone, you sick, sick individual you...

Flubber: The only super hero more worthless than aquaman.

A living Remorhaze: Why are you reading this instead of running?

Your mom's dream journal: A cursed item that tells you all of the naughty dreams your mother ever had... In graphic detail and with pictures. You cannot put it down until you read the last page, and every page before it.

Shoes of sogginess: They sort of squelch whenever you take a step... It's kinda gross dude.

The Toupe of Tilting: It just never sits on your head in a natural position.

[Mrmox42]

The Red Shirt: The wearer is sure to die horribly and forces the opponents to cackle in an evil way while it happens.

Cursed Rod of Incontinence: ‘nuff said

The Ring of Secret Invisibility: This ring cause you to turn invisible, but only when nobody’s looking.

Cursed Shoelaces of Untying: Bloody annoying.

The Sausage Sword: This extremely powerful +3 magic sword is cursed to look just like a 4 foot long, tasty sausage, making the wielder look very silly indeed. The Sausage Sword does therefore give a whopping -10 on Intimidation checks, as nobody can take a guy who swings a sausage seriously.

Yo-yo of slightly improved coolness: Causes the wielder to gain the respect of rootless teenagers.

Golf Socks: Has 18 holes.

[Eldan]

Gorilla Glass- This elegant looking wineglass does nothing unusual until it is filled with liquid and someone attempts to drink from it. The drinker must make a dc15 dex save or take 8d6 bludgeoning damage when the liquid turns into an enraged adult gorilla mid-sip. The gorilla tries to kill the drinker until one of them is slain, at which point the gorilla evaporates.

That's not useless. THat makes for an awesome assassination attempt at a banquet.

[JAL_1138]

That's not useless. THat makes for an awesome assassination attempt at a banquet.

Mostly useless =/= entirely useless. :smallsmile:

[Unseenmal]

Ring of Doom: Allows the wearer to discern the location of any enemies hidden behind secret doors or walls. However, the only way to discover hidden foes is by knocking on every surface of the room to the tune of "Shave and haircut" until the enemy is compelled to finish it.

I have nothing to add at the moment. I'm just posting here just to acknowledge this awesomeness.


Rubik Gate - A Rubiks cube that when solved makes you feel clever, it may also open a gateway to hell, but you solved the puzzle, so whatever.

I believe you are thinking of the Lament Configuration from Hellraiser

[Epoch]

I'd alter that to Sword of Soap Opera; causes resurrection of random NPCs from two or more campaigns back, plus everyone is immediately related in some way.

Rod Of Studio Set; that fortress, why does the wall wobble when the door shuts?

Oh man, that's great. I'm just picturing a world of TV-themed magic items.

KiltieMacPipes: I'm sad because that was probably the best pun I will ever come up with.

Unseenmal: I appreciate you on a deep level for getting that reference.

[Submortimer]

Cloak of Dramatic Billowing: makes anyone look heroic (optional +1 charm), but a downright liability when you're trying to sneak up on people


My Battlemaster wants this in the absolute WORST way.

[JAL_1138]

Based on the "apprentice on Friday afternoon" scenario of the OP for lazily-designed items...

Trapfinder of the Ancients: an enchanted 10ft pole that is unusually resistant to damage and grants a bonus to trapfinding attempts, but cannot be used with a Thievery, Investigation, or Perception check--the search must be roleplayed out instead, or else it does nothing. Regenerates from damage at 1' per hour from the largest piece left of it if damaged or broken.

Green Slime Remover (Consumable): A very combustible 10ft pole coated in a strange reddish substance--will burst into flame (becoming consumed in the process) at the slightest spark, whether from a candle or a fire spell or a stray piece of cigar ash. When the green slime starts eating it, set it on fire. Deals 4d6 damage to anyone holding it and in a 10' radius of such person if it is accidentally set off, or set off by an enemy.

Vault-Pole of the Ancients: An enchanted 10ft pole that grants advantage on Athletics checks made to pole-vault with it.

Balance of the Ancients: An enchanted 10ft pole that grants advantage on Acrobatics checks when walking on narrow surfaces, but the player must clearly state that they are using the 10ft pole in such manner, or it imposes disadvantage.

Water-Carrier of the Ancients: An enchanted 10ft pole that can be used to carry two buckets (buckets sold separately) of water or other liquid without spilling a drop, regardless of what else is occurring and whether or not it should be physically possible, until set down. This does not prevent the character from falling, being tripped, etc., only prevents the liquid from spilling.

Cubefinder (Consumable): A 10ft pole with one end capped by a caked-on powdery substance. When you are holding it in front of you and feel it hit something unseen, look at the cap. If you see and hear the cap fizzing like crazy while the pole starts to dissolve, you've found a gelatinous cube.

Rustbane: An enchanted (+0) oaken 10ft pole, crudely sharpened at one end as if done in a great hurry with a dull hatchet or light sword. There is a dark stain on the sharp end that extends about a foot back from the point. Counts as a pike, but does half damage (rounded down).

[Zyzzyva]

On the "lacking quality control" front:

Boots of Speed: Enchantment to keep user's pelvis intact while the boots are running is faulty.
Potion of Barkskin: Side effects may include dry, flaky skin, photosynthesis, fruiting.
Deck of Many Things: Contains only 21 cards. Manufacturer will provide refund if told which card, precisely, is missing.
Tome of Clear Thought: Unproofed early edition.
Hand, Eye of Vecna: Corpse items were harvested from not actually Vecna.

[Shining Wrath]

In honor of Gnometown, hats!

Hat of Not a Rabbit: Similar to a Bag of Many Things, you may reach into the hat and pull out just about any Beast in the MM - but never a rabbit. Saying "This time for sure!" has no effect.

Hat of Odd Jobs: Requires attunement, then is a +1 thrown weapon doing 1D6 damage but it ignores all resistance.

Old Silk Hat: Reduces the time required to craft a Simulacrum by 1 minute, then disappears. But it'll be back again someday.

[flakjkt]

Sword of chubby chasing,

1d 20 times per day lude sexual comments are made out loud to any portly female or male characters at random.

[comk59]

Dolphins are highly intelligent sentient beings with communication skills! You cannot eat them!! But that many brilliant sea creatures can make scouring the infinite depths of the seas for something quite a bit easier. Summoning 4d20 dolphins is what you do if you need to find sunken treasure, lost ships, or sahaugin cities.

They might be good at scouting, but you have no control over them, and dolphins are well known *****.

Mat of the Insufferably Flexible: this rubberized flexible mat is brightly colored. When the user utters the command phrase and spends half an hour performing the appropriate ritual, they gain a +2 bonus to all dexterity checks for 24 hours. However, they must constantly tell everyone around them how amazing it is and that they just simply have to try it.

[Submortimer]

Mat of the Insufferably Flexible: this rubberized flexible mat is brightly colored. When the user utters the command phrase and spends half an hour performing the appropriate ritual, they gain a +2 bonus to all dexterity checks for 24 hours. However, they must constantly tell everyone around them how amazing it is and that they just simply have to try it.

To go along with that...

Bar of EXTREME CROSS TRAINING: this heavy, knurled steel bar is 3' long. When the user utters the command phrase, the bar will extend and affix itself to two points on opposing walls. The bar can easily support the users weight, and after spending a half hour performing the appropriate ritual (Pull ups), they gain a +2 bonus to all strength checks for 24 hours. The are compelled to tell everyone they meet about their new awesome training regimen and how its the only way to properly get fit.

[supergoji18]

I cannot claim credit for this, but it just has to be stated:

The Head of Vecna: I think you all know where this is going.

[MadBear]

A Pen of Peter Jackson Scriptwriting: Allows you to see the DM's notes and completely rewrite his plot to add more romance while removing logical coherency


You crack me up sir :smallbiggrin:

[Kurald Galain]

Invisible Ring: Good luck finding it!

And don't forget the classic
Ring of Spell 'Turning' - when activated, it loudly pronounces the letters T-U-R-N-I-N-G.

[Icewraith]

Ring of Spill Turning:

Free flowing liquids reverse direction in a 5' radius from you. Niche use in avoiding boiling oil during a siege or causing minor flow disruptions in very narrow rivers, also causes anything spilled AWAY from you to change course back at you.

[Totema]

Those 4D20 dolphins could be very useful for some hungry people.

4d20 dolphins... Hungry people... Nah. Too easy.

[Shining Wrath]

You crack me up sir :smallbiggrin:

Thank you, I'll be here all week, try the dolphin veal.

[MadBear]

Ring of Bullywug moistness: You permanently gain the moist condition. It has not status effect, but on the flip side you're moist...... forever..........

[Shining Wrath]

Amulet of Cleavage When worn over any garment or armor, nicely accentuates your pectoral muscles or mammary equipment. Otherwise useless.

Grand Piano of Courage Allows any bard who moves at least 10 feet on their turn while carrying the GPoC to grant Inspiration to one ally.

[xyianth]

My contribution to this wonderful thread:

Periapt of Wisdom: Whenever you fail a knowledge check, you are instantly reminded that you failed it. You are, after all, wise enough to know how dumb you are.
Ring of Cartoon Physics: You are immune to gravity, until someone points it out or draws attention to it.
Boots of Teleportation: 1/long rest you can activate these boots. These boots (and only the boots) teleport to the location you specify as if using the word of recall spell.
Psychic Paper: This small slip of paper appears to have whatever the viewer is thinking about written upon it. Upon closer inspection, the writing changes to depict the viewer's best kept secret. The writing is unique to the viewer, no one can read what it displays for someone else.

[Mrmox42]

The Head of Vecna: I think you all know where this is going.

Oh yes. This one brings back good memories. :smallbiggrin:

[Knaight]

A lot of dumb fad products aimed at children transfer over surprisingly well:

Broach of Color Changing - A cheap trinket sold for the novelty of a broach that changes color based on your emotional state, allowing for analysis therein. It actually changes color based on ambient temperature.

Miniature Goo - A fist sized blob of grey goo, alleged to learn to fit it's master, designed as an alternative to standard familiars. It actually displays the same bad approximation of intelligence regardless and is incapable of learning.

Then there's quality control:

Stiffening Mail - This set of mail is extremely flexible and minimally hindering, but hardens when struck to defend against blows as well as plate. Unfortunately, it also hardens when brushed against particularly hard, when the wearer moves too suddenly, or if it is exposed to a particularly potent gust of wind.

Robe of Swimming - This intricate blue robe of heavy fabric, embroidered with gold thread in the pattern of waves on a sea is enchanted to help it's wearer swim. It's also heavy, dense, extremely water absorbent, and prone to dragging in the water. The enchantment almost completely counteracts the obstacle the robe itself presents to swimming.

Bottle of Endless Wine - A delicate looking crystal bottle, the bottle of endless wine always seems to be full, yet still pours out wine at a normal rate. The enchantment is extremely well made, the bottle itself is magically reinforced and well crafted, and the wine it pours may or may not actually be vinegar.

Rope of Pulling - At first glance, the rope of pulling looks like a normal silk rope. There's a knot near the middle of it however, which sticks to surfaces and lets the rest of the rope slide through, allowing it to act as a pulley. It doesn't stick well enough to surfaces to stay on when supporting any weight actually worth using a pulley to move.

[Mrmox42]

Wand of Turning Undead Spins the undead 180 degrees around.

[Cazero]

Wand of wand recursion
Creates a wand. The wand turns to dust upon use. The created wand can only be used to create a wand, and turns to dust upon use. The wand createed by the created wand...

[Azarin921]

Blade of Death: Anytime this mystical sword is drawn, it immediately kills the wielder and re-sheathes itself. Nothing can bring the wielder back to life.

[JAL_1138]

Gnomish Automatic Beard-Trimming Machine: Last time it escaped, it killed ten men

[comk59]

Amulet of Phasing: This plain silver medallion is on a thin chain. When the command word is spoken, the wearer will be able to pass through any matter and force effect, and ignore any magical movement effects that would normally apply to them, such as fly or hold person. It does not, unfortunately, let the wearer ignore gravity.

[Talderas]

Amulet of Phasing: This plain silver medallion is on a thin chain. When the command word is spoken, the wearer will be able to pass through any matter and force effect, and ignore any magical movement effects that would normally apply to them, such as fly or hold person. It does not, unfortunately, let the wearer ignore gravity.

Wand of Bark When used the wand summons a small pile of tree bark.
Wand of Bark When used the wand makes an audible noise that sounds like the bark of a dog.

[Shining Wrath]

Amulet of Natural Barkskin: When donned, the user's skin spouts numerous small mouths, much like a Gibbering Mouther. Instead of the Mouther's wailing and moaning, though, the small mouths bark in a manner reminiscent of toy sized dogs such as Yorkies and Chihuahuas. All those within a 30' radius must make a DC 12 Wisdom save to resist the urge to smack the wearer with a rolled up newspaper.

Wand of Lightening Bolts: 3/day casts a spell which lightens the color tone of the target, making it paler. When cast upon something which is already pale Procul Harum begins to play in the background.

[Joe the Rat]

Amulet of Natural Barkskin: When donned, the user's skin spouts numerous small mouths, much like a Gibbering Mouther. Instead of the Mouther's wailing and moaning, though, the small mouths bark in a manner reminiscent of toy sized dogs such as Yorkies and Chihuahuas. All those within a 30' radius must make a DC 12 Wisdom save to resist the urge to smack the wearer with a rolled up newspaper. Ah, but you should also gain the ability to do 1d4 (no modifier) nipping damage with grappled opponents. That should still balance to being mostly useless, as the bark is much worse than the bite.

[b4ndito]

Ring of the Fourth Wall - Allows metagaming

[GorinichSerpant]

Ring of the Fourth Wall - Allows metagaming

This doesn't belong here, it's a very useful magical item.

[JAL_1138]

Wand of Bark When used the wand summons a small pile of tree bark.
Wand of Bark When used the wand makes an audible noise that sounds like the bark of a dog.

Wand of Berk: On a piked save, th' poor sod can only rattle 'is bone-box in Planar Cant for 24 hours. If a basher only speaks Cant before being targeted, it has no effect.

[Talderas]

Wand of Routing : When you use the Wand of Routing, you and all your allies within 30 feet most succeed on a DC 15 Wisdom save or become frigthened and must flee the current fight post haste.
Wand of Routing : When you use the Wand of Routing you become aware of the least congested path to your destination. This wand has no effect when used outside of a city.

Wand of Trunk : When you use the Wand of Trunk you feel that your derrier will bring all the boys to the yard.
Wand of Trunk : When you use the Wand of Trunk a tree trunk appears in a random location within 25 feet of you.

Wand of Mole : When you use the Wand of Mole a mole is summoned in an adjacent square and it rolls initiative. On its turn it burrows into the ground and avoids combat.
Wand of Mole : When you use the Wand of Mole the target must succeed on a DC 10 Constistution save or a mole will appear somewhere on the target's body.
Wand of Mole : When you use the Wand of Mole one of your allies becomes a double agent for your enemy.
Wand of Mole : When you use the Wand of Mole one mole of any substance is created in an adjacent square.
Wand of Mole : When you use the Wand of Mole one gallon of mole sauce is created. Without a contain for the sauce it spills to the ground and makes a mess.

[b4ndito]

This doesn't belong here, it's a very useful magical item.

Tell me it isn't funny though

[Shining Wrath]

... SNIP ...
Wand of Mole : When you use the Wand of Mole one mole of any substance is created in an adjacent square.
Wand of Mole : When you use the Wand of Mole one gallon of mole sauce is created. Without a contain for the sauce it spills to the ground and makes a mess.

May I suggest combining these two to produce 6.02x10^23 molecules of mole sauce?

[GorinichSerpant]

Tell me it isn't funny though

It's amusing but it still doesn't fit. I'm sorry to tell you, as punishment we'll have to test new magic items on you.

[Talderas]

May I suggest combining these two to produce 6.02x10^23 molecules of mole sauce?

Breaks with the theme I'm running with.

[MadBear]

Ring of Partial Invisibility V.1.0.- You vanish from all sight and all detection of anyone who isn't looking at you. As soon as you are the target of any scrying spell, are looked at directly, or are even partially looked at, you become immediately visible.

Ring of Partial Invisibility V.2.0.- A random internal organ inside your body become invisible.

[Talderas]

Match Wand : When you activate the Match Wand a small flame bursts forth from the tip of it.
Match Wand : When you activate the Match Wand you point it at two objects and/or creatures. The wand will give you a slight tickling sensative if the two targets match.

[MadBear]

Potion of Decaffeinated Coffee: It tastes exactly like a potion of caffeinated coffee, but with none of the benefits.

[Anderlith]

I'm gonna mention the diabolical Wand of Frog.


Also,

Riot Shield: anyone facing this shield (like a gaze attack) will be immediately furious with the wielder & attack

Holeable Port : During any storm of sufficient danger the Holeable Port instantly creates a safe harbor in which to dock though it is filled with hostile pirates that will capture you

Ring of Water Stain : This ring causes all beverages held by the wearer to leave a ring shaped stain on any surface it is placed on

Marginal Prophet Guide : A holy text that details how to turn anything into profit in four simple steps but the book is missing the third step in any endeavor

Bed of Hollywood : a bed that when slept on will keep the characters hair & make up in almost perfect order & it's sheets somehow always protect the sleepers modesty, also no morning breath

Ring of Farseeing : A ring that when viewed through produces an enlarged image of what you are seeing(this could actually be an interesting & useful item but I wanted to menntion it)

Ring of Farcing : Causes the character to suffer misfortune at inappropriate times causing situations that make others believe the character is screwing around/being an idiot

[Mrmox42]

Wand of egg: Summons one egg. This may be boiled and eaten. It may be summoned above somebodys head. Or under your hat. Or something. Slightly useful, but not very.

Boots of horror walking: These boots activate when you are chasing somebody. While your opponents run for their lives, you appear to walk calmly after them, even though you are actually moving at full speed. This has no other effect than making you look scary.

Brick of throwing: This brick, made for Building, may be thrown.

Flask of projectile vomiting:When imbibed, the contents of this flask makes you throw up, at an amazing distance.

Saddle of Llama taming: When put on a wild llama, it makes the animal completely tame, and it may be ridden like a horse. Only Works on llamas.

[JAL_1138]

Wand of egg: Summons one egg. This may be boiled and eaten. It may be summoned above somebodys head. Or under your hat. Or something. Slightly useful, but not very.

Boots of horror walking: These boots activate when you are chasing somebody. While your opponents run for their lives, you appear to walk calmly after them, even though you are actually moving at full speed. This has no other effect than making you look scary.

Brick of throwing: This brick, made for Building, may be thrown.

Flask of projectile vomiting:When imbibed, the contents of this flask makes you throw up, at an amazing distance.

Saddle of Llama taming: When put on a wild llama, it makes the animal completely tame, and it may be ridden like a horse. Only Works on llamas.

Boots of horror walking would be a great way to get advantage on Intimidation with some good RP to back it up. I want a pair. And the saddle of llama taming is great in Maztica. :smalltongue:


Amulet of Demon-Summoning: According to the inscription, the user may summon a specific Glabrezu named Qztxychtwdgb'xxiygh'fljjk'zmvpcdr'kkftpsl to their service if they can correctly pronounce his name. The inscription does not mention that mispronouncing it instantly transports the user to the Abyss without any equipment whatsoever.

[Daishain]

Wand of Grease: In theory could be used to cast the Grease spell, but no one is sure due to being unable to get a grip on it.

Ring of Friendly Animals: Often mistaken for the ring of animal friendship, makes animals really friendly. Better scotchguard those pantaloons.

Folding Elephant: This object appears to be a small wooden box. Upon activating it, it opens and unfolds its contents, one full sized, and very dead, elephant.

Gem of Blinding: This gem emits a 120', 5" radius line of bright light directly at the user's eyes.

Gloves of Expression: The wearer expresses everything they say with flamboyant hand motions.

Boots of Dancing: One minute after being put on, heats up enough to deal 1 point of fire damage to wearer every minute.

Greatsword of Ice: Made of Ice, shatters on impact

Periapt of damage Resistance: Grants user resistance to all damage, by turning them into a statue. Feature needed to reverse the process is currently locked pending the purchase of a Premium user account

Belt of Gender confusion: Makes the user think they have been changed to the opposite sex.

Rod of Wandering: upon activation, this rod teleports itself and the user's belongings, but not the user, to a random location on the same plane.

Staff of lesser Dimension door: Teleports user up to 1 foot in any direction.

Potion of Growth: Imbiber grows sufficient hair to do an impression of Mr It.

The Ant Slayer: Great hammer, deals 1,000 extra damage vs ordinary non magical ants.

Ring of the repentant Thief: Adds a +5 bonus to slight of Hand checks to steal objects of direct monetary value. Objects or coins of equal value belonging to the thief appear in their place if successful. If the thief does not have sufficient funds to "pay" for the item, the check automatically fails.

Falling Feather Token: Causes a single feather to appear in the air and fall.

[Thrudd]

Staff of Creating Shadows: when activated with the command word, the staff emits a bright light. The user must then hold their hands between the light and a wall within 10 ft and make the proper arcane motions. The user has the option of creating several types of shadows when the proper motions are discovered:

dog head
Duck
Butterfly
Weird old guy face

Ring of Element Summoning:
Summons 1d6 atoms of a random element from appendix 11-b: Periodic Table.

Inspired by another thread:
Ring of controlling undead (reformed): summons 1d4 undead creatures that refuse to attack your enemies, because they AREN'T just monsters.

[Jormengand]

Blade of Death: Anytime this mystical sword is drawn, it immediately kills the wielder and re-sheathes itself. Nothing can bring the wielder back to life.

Ouch? Deadly cursed item right there.

The Blade of Ultimate Temporal Stasis (Artifact)

The BoUTS is a powerful artifact to be sure - when this fine -5 dagger is drawn from its sheath, it immediately stops time for everyone and everything in existence, even on other planes. For one hour (on the material plane - an equivalent time for other planes), time does not pass at all. Durations do not expire; no-one takes damage or actions; not even deities and creatures specifically immune to such effects escape the BoUTS' wrath.

As an artifact, the BoUTS can only be destroyed by explaining in precise detail why it doesn't do anything. This requires 5 rounds to explain why the time-stopping is ineffective, and a DC 20 knowledge (Metagaming) check to explain why the weapon itself doesn't deal any damage.

[JAL_1138]

Gloves of Lock Picking: The wearer receives advantage on Intelligence checks to determine what type of lock would be best suited to install on a particular door, hatch, or chest (e.g., padlock, deadbolt, etc.).

[Rowan Wolf]

Cursed Wand of leaf softening Make leaves pulled from plants charmin soft, but also poison ivy.

[Kurald Galain]

Ring of controlling undead (reformed): summons 1d4 undead creatures that refuse to attack your enemies, because they AREN'T just monsters.

How about Ring of Controlling Dead... this allows you to give orders to inanimate corpses, regardless of whether you speak the corpse's language, and the corpse will obey these to the best of its ability.

[AbyssStalker]

+5 scissors of running
+5 Yo-yo

Heward's Handy Haversacagawea: This bag is instilled with the soul of sacagawea, giving the wearer advantage on navigating the Louisiana Purchase.

Exposive Runes (cereal): 9 out of 10 adventurers agree that it's the bomb. Slogan- "Silly flumph, psychics are for kids"

Ring of En-lightenment: It is a ring that has no weight.

Tarrasque Annoyer: A handy dandy whistle that fits in your pocket, and the tarrasque's stomach. Whenever blown it automatically alerts the nearest tarrasque to your position, and sends several insulting yo mama jokes via telepathy, Such as "Yo mama's so fat, she gave birth to you."

[Logosloki]

One of my favourite useless magical items was in a very well known book.

Remembrall (Attunement) This small tennis-ball sized ball of a quartz-like mineral will glow red when you forget something (but what you have forgotten is up to you to remember)

[Shining Wrath]

Ouch? Deadly cursed item right there.

The Blade of Ultimate Temporal Stasis (Artifact)

The BoUTS is a powerful artifact to be sure - when this fine -5 dagger is drawn from its sheath, it immediately stops time for everyone and everything in existence, even on other planes. For one hour (on the material plane - an equivalent time for other planes), time does not pass at all. Durations do not expire; no-one takes damage or actions; not even deities and creatures specifically immune to such effects escape the BoUTS' wrath.

As an artifact, the BoUTS can only be destroyed by explaining in precise detail why it doesn't do anything. This requires 5 rounds to explain why the time-stopping is ineffective, and a DC 20 knowledge (Metagaming) check to explain why the weapon itself doesn't deal any damage.

Otherwise known as the Dagger of Dinner Breaks.

[kaoskonfety]

Ring of T wishes - gaudy gold pinky ring, appears to be a ring of wishes, when activated, regardless of what is requested, summons Mr. T who declares he pities the fool who took his ring, beats the wearer senseless, takes back his ring and is picked up by several heavy armed ex-military goons in a cube van. They drive of into the sunset to iconic theme music. Attempts to prevent this effect result in the interference of the persons from the cube van in an escalating nature based on the strength of the opposition (small arms fire, assault rifle fire, rocket launcher fire, attack helicopter, tanks and so on).

Duck Blade - functions as a luck blade, if the "wish" option is used d100 x d100 ducks are summoned in the users square - this is typically revolting and fatal on any but the lower end rolls.

Vest of Mr. Rogers - The vest Mr. Rogers wore, the primary effect of the item is that those who see it understand the social context of the item, regardless of setting. As a secondary effect anyone wearing it of a good alignment who is at risk of committing an evil (or just being crass) act gets to be reminded they are wearing Mr. Rogers vest, would he approve? Paladins of good alignment are then asked "Are you sure?". Any sensation of distant disappointment in you choosing to be a jerk anyway is a coincidence.

[FightStyles]

Ring of T wishes - gaudy gold pinky ring, appears to be a ring of wishes, when activated, regardless of what is requested, summons Mr. T who declares he pities the fool who took his ring, beats the wearer senseless, takes back his ring and is picked up by several heavy armed ex-military goons in a cube van. They drive of into the sunset to iconic theme music. Attempts to prevent this effect result in the interference of the persons from the cube van in an escalating nature based on the strength of the opposition (small arms fire, assault rifle fire, rocket launcher fire, attack helicopter, tanks and so on.)

I'm going to definitely considering using this, modifying things a tad bit to fit into the campaign such as
1. Mr. T becomes a dwarf
2. the van is a horse drawn carriage
3. everyone who witnesses the event must make a Cha saving throw against a DC25 or else is intimidated until the carriage is not in view any longer.

[kaoskonfety]

I'm going to definitely considering using this, modifying things a tad bit to fit into the campaign such as
1. Mr. T becomes a dwarf
2. the van is a horse drawn carriage
3. everyone who witnesses the event must make a Cha saving throw against a DC25 or else is intimidated until the carriage is not in view any longer.

+1


- maybe make the van an Apparatus of Kwalish?

[Joe the Rat]

+1


- maybe make the van an Apparatus of Kwalish?

Only if you've kidnapped an elderly-but-decent dockowner (and his daughter/grand-daughter) for protection money, and this is the post-build scene where they come to the rescue.

Also, the user of the Ring of T gets thrown into a his allies, or a pile of empty boxes.


I have got to stop watching reruns...

[Wröng]

Poetic Licence

*required for artistic expression in a public area

[Wröng]

Bummer Jacket

*attracts the attention of the outwardly quah if worn by a vaguely easy-on-the-eye male character



Deck of Puerile Things

*drawing a card from this deck will engage the nearest persons to it into sniggering and tittering at the double entendre or suggestive picture on the card.

Hurhurhurhur.... hyukhyukhyuk..... he said 'tittering'! That sounds like 'bum'! snickersnicker fnarfnar



Tome of Things That Once Seen Cannot Be Un-Seen

*disturbing stuff such as a section on 'The Use of Sentient Races as Sex-Toys for Hill Giants'. The shudderingly cringesome unnatural acts depicted in this book will cause introversion and disgust for 1d4 hours. Occasional returning memory of this book will cause difficulty getting to sleep and a permanent cautiousness about the 'habits' of others. You won't be able to look a halfling in the eye without wincing, either...



Suggestive Rod

*this arcane implement has a knob on the end... Provides a synergy bonus if used in conjunction with the Deck of Puerile Things

[GorinichSerpant]

Suggestive Rod

*this arcane implement has a knob on the end... Provides a synergy bonus if used in conjunction with the Deck of Puerile Things

It also gives a synergy bonus if sing a particular song about a hedgehog.

[EvanescentHero]

It also gives a synergy bonus if sing a particular song about a hedgehog.

Yes! Always happy to meet a fellow fan of Sir Pratchett's.

[XmonkTad]

Tindertwig of the Unreserved Flame: cookfires started with this tindertwig cannot cook food, but the fire still deals damage to the food as appropriate for its size.

[Mrmox42]

Greatsword of Ice: Made of Ice, shatters on impact


This might actually be a fun, one-use, item. Imagine a greatsword sheath and handle. When you draw the handle, you have an Ice Greatsword. When it hits, is does damage, and possibly some other Frost damage, and then it shatters.

Slightly useful, and actually kind of cool. :smallwink:

[JAL_1138]

This might actually be a fun, one-use, item. Imagine a greatsword sheath and handle. When you draw the handle, you have an Ice Greatsword. When it hits, is does damage, and possibly some other Frost damage, and then it shatters.

Slightly useful, and actually kind of cool. :smallwink:

Icy what you did there. :smalltongue:

[Mrmox42]

Icy what you did there

Thank you.

[FightStyles]

L.M.S.S (Little Man Syndrome Sword) - Weapon (longsword), Uncommon (requires attunement by a dwarf, halfing or gnome.)

Once attuned, the sword magically adjusts in length to become 2x your height, becoming a weapon one size larger than you. In addition, the sword gives you the following properties:


You gain advantage on Cha (persuasion) checks against yourself.
You gain disadvantage on all Cha (Intimidation) checks.
-2 to attacks and damage because of the size difference.


Curse: While wielding this sword, you believe it to be a lengendary magic item, and have the need to brag about how awesome it is. If you are not able to get someone to listen to your bragging about the sword within 1 minute of pulling the sword from it's sheath, make a Cha (persuasion) check against a DC10. If succesful, you convince yourself that everyone around you are losers and shouldn't be allowed to know how awesome the sword is. On a failure, you go into a rage and must attack the largest creature or object within walking speed until you inflict 2x the maximum HP of that creature.

[kaoskonfety]

Bag of withholding - functions as a bag of holding and appears to be one, until you *need* the item RIGHT NOW (healing potions for the dying, coins to pay the bar tab, the mcguffin to defeat the big bad etc.). In these cases the time to find the item in the bag is 1 round longer than the need persists (character dies, you've just finished doing the dishes for 2 days to pay the tab etc.)

Bag of Beano - appears to be a bag of beans, is instead exactly what it says.

Bag of Bags - When found this bag contains 1d100 bags and it generates 1 bag per day holding a maximum of 100 bags. These bag are of very cheap construction and have no sale value.

Sphere of Actual Annihilation - As a Sphere of Annihilation but does not repel air, emits blinding burning light as matter of all sorts (including air) enter it and are destroyed, Doing 2d6 radiance damage per round in a 30' radius exposed to air and 10d10 in a 200' radius on rounds when exposed to solid matter. If left unattended will render the atmosphere too rarefied for humans to breathe in 5d20 years. (it occurs to me this is more a killer awesome big bad ending the world scheme artefact, but oh well)

Talisman of the Sphere of Actual Annihilation - Does literally nothing, big bad knows this, PC's don't (yet) - laughing.

Bracer of Oldskool Armour - sets your AC to 8 (uncommon)/6(rare)/4(very rare)/2(legendary) - dex modifier (AC -2 here I come!)

Ring of Flumph command - you know, cause Flumphs...

[Knaight]

Sphere of Actual Annihilation - As a Sphere of Annihilation but does not repel air, emits blinding burning light as matter of all sorts (including air) enter it and are destroyed, Doing 2d6 radiance damage per round in a 30' radius exposed to air and 10d10 in a 200' radius on rounds when exposed to solid matter. If left unattended will render the atmosphere too rarefied for humans to breathe in 5d20 years. (it occurs to me this is more a killer awesome big bad ending the world scheme artefact, but oh well).

Maybe add in the 10d10 in a 200' radius for liquids as well. This could be a great ending the world artifact, though the time scale seems off - on the bright side, it's the sort of thing that can be solved by finding it and sealing it in a vacuum, which is a fairly novel method in fantasy.

[kaoskonfety]

Maybe add in the 10d10 in a 200' radius for liquids as well. This could be a great ending the world artifact, though the time scale seems off - on the bright side, it's the sort of thing that can be solved by finding it and sealing it in a vacuum, which is a fairly novel method in fantasy.

Time scale can be casually adjusted to "the speed of plot" or "OH GODS NO!!!" at your preference.

[Knaight]

Time scale can be casually adjusted to "the speed of plot" or "OH GODS NO!!!" at your preference.

I just mean it seems off from the perspective of atmospheric density, velocities of air molecules, and the rate at which they would pass through a surface, particularly as the matter-antimatter reactions in question would repel air molecules following a collision. It also gets into the matter of heat capacity of parts of the world and the amount of heat being output through a continual matter-antimatter reaction. Either way, a few decades seems iffy.

[kaoskonfety]

I just mean it seems off from the perspective of atmospheric density, velocities of air molecules, and the rate at which they would pass through a surface, particularly as the matter-antimatter reactions in question would repel air molecules following a collision. It also gets into the matter of heat capacity of parts of the world and the amount of heat being output through a continual matter-antimatter reaction. Either way, a few decades seems iffy.

lol, sorry, at work, not at leisure to do the kind of math needed for an accurate approximation of the time frame for a naked singularity to consume the breathable air on a "typical Earth like planet" - so I decided to roll dice ;)

[Knaight]

lol, sorry, at work, not at leisure to do the kind of math needed for an accurate approximation of the time frame for a naked singularity to consume the breathable air on a "typical Earth like planet" - so I decided to roll dice ;)

There's a reason I went with "it seems off" here. I'm a lot more willing to approach that from a perspective of numerical intuition than to try and do the math on it, particularly as it's the sort of thing that is probably best done via an actual simulation of some sort, which means a fair amount of programming.

[kaoskonfety]

There's a reason I went with "it seems off" here. I'm a lot more willing to approach that from a perspective of numerical intuition than to try and do the math on it, particularly as it's the sort of thing that is probably best done via an actual simulation of some sort, which means a fair amount of programming.

now when I get home my evening is shot cause I'm going to have to do this with a pile of different assumptions - its a hard vacuum, its a gravity well, its an inert sphere, variant energy outputs.... Hurray!


Edit: Shall I assume it occupies the volume of a volleyball? Seem about right?

[Mrmox42]

Brooch of the Hedgehog: Causes small spines to grow all over your body. When somebody attempts to Grapple you, or hit you with their bare hands (Monks beware) or bite you, they take 1D6 damage. You cannot wear any armor while using the Brooch of the Hedgehog, and you may either suffer a negative effect on your Intimidate skill (because you look downright silly and weird), or possibly a positive effect on your Charisma, as you look darned cute.

Gauntlet of Beer Can Crushing: This heavy gauntlet can leave those beer cans as tiny little balls of metal. Perfect for recycling.

Shield of Sneaky Heraldry: This enchanted shield can magically change its heraldry whenever the wearer wants to, bringing confusion to the enemy on the battlefield (and possibly to friendly forces as well).

Camel of Water Storage: A magical, living camel, that can drink several hundred gallons of water and store them indefinitely, for the owner to retrieve when needed. The method of retrieval is, however, not for the faint-hearted.

[Kurald Galain]

Brooch of the Hedgehog: Causes small spines to grow all over your body. When somebody attempts to Grapple you, or hit you with their bare hands (Monks beware) or bite you, they take 1D6 damage. You cannot wear any armor while using the Brooch of the Hedgehog, and you may either suffer a negative effect on your Intimidate skill (because you look downright silly and weird), or possibly a positive effect on your Charisma, as you look darned cute.

Greater Brooch of the Hedgehog: You gain a +100' enhancement bonus to your speed. However, whenever you take a move action, you can only move in a straight line from your starting position, and you must move as far as you can in that direction. Also, you take a -10 penalty to all swimming checks.

[EvanescentHero]

Greater Brooch of the Hedgehog: You gain a +100' enhancement bonus to your speed. However, whenever you take a move action, you can only move in a straight line from your starting position, and you must move as far as you can in that direction. Also, you take a -10 penalty to all swimming checks.

Add that whenever you take damage, GP equal to the damage erupts out of your coin purse in all directions and disappears after one round. If you don't have at least one GP left when you take damage, you die instantly, with no save.

[FightStyles]

Greater Brooch of the Hedgehog: You gain a +100' enhancement bonus to your speed. However, whenever you take a move action, you can only move in a straight line from your starting position, and you must move as far as you can in that direction. Also, you take a -10 penalty to all swimming checks.

Also, add advantage to acrobatics checks involving the action tumbling or flipping.

[JFahy]

This might actually be a fun, one-use, item. Imagine a greatsword sheath and handle. When you draw the handle, you have an Ice Greatsword. When it hits, is does damage, and possibly some other Frost damage, and then it shatters.

Slightly useful, and actually kind of cool. :smallwink:

Fill the sheath with water or juice, insert the handle, and in two hours a new blade forms.

[JAL_1138]

Invisibly-Everburning Torch: When held aloft, this torch produces a magical flame that never goes out and gives off no heat, which illuminates as a standard torch, but its light is only visible to creatures with darkvision (which it does not interfere with). Note--the area it illuminates is less than the vision range of darkvision.

Attuning Fork: Owner of the fork is attuned to the Attuning Fork instantly and automatically; this attunement cannot be broken until true ownership is transferred (this requires more than mere possession; DM decides what will do it). Is usable both as an eating utensil and to tune an instrument. (I hope no one has made this pun already but I'm too lazy to check back through the thread)

Skillet of Flapjacks: Advantage on Dex checks to flip an egg or pancake being cooked in the skillet. Improvised weapon, 1d4 bludgeoning.

Importable Hole: Advantage on checks to legally bring the hole through customs (does not help if with any check not related directly to importing the hole itself; e.g., no help on bluffing with forged entry papers).

Exportable Hole: Advantage on checks to have the hole shipped to another country (does not help with any check not directly related to exporting the hole itself; e.g., does not help with obtaining a departure ticket or passport stamp).

Music Box of Soul-Crushing Sorrow: this wind-up clockwork device plays an impossibly sad melody while showing Silent Images of mistreated animals. User has an overwhelming urge to complain about someone cutting onions and go hug their dog.

[Kd7sov]

How's about a somewhat more obscure literary reference?

Sword of Manslaying: When this sword is drawn from its sheath, it cannot be resheathed, dropped, or otherwise released until it has been used to kill a male humanoid. Until it has done so, this sword acts as a +3 weapon against all male opponents, but confers no bonus against female or sexless creatures. Once it has killed a male humanoid, it confers no bonus at all until returned to its sheath. Additionally, if it has been drawn and has not yet killed a male humanoid, and its wielder can see a male humanoid (other than the wielder, if applicable), it attempts to make its wielder attack and can only be restrained with a DC 25 STR save, repeated every round.

Also:

The Unbrella: This object resembles an ordinary umbrella, but when opened it produces water. When the unbrella is upside-down this water simply fills it; otherwise it falls like rain. The water vanishes if removed from the five-foot-high cylinder defined by the unbrella's radius.

[Mrmox42]

The paperweight of excellence: No matter the heavy winds, no matter how much you tilt the table, this magical paperweight will ALWAYS keep your papers in place.

Stuffed Alligator of Importance: When a wizard hangs up this stuffed reptile in his laboratory, it will make the laboratory look much more genuine and 'mage-ish'. This may add a +1 to Diplomacy or Intimidation checks on the wizards behalf, when he is in his study.

(Guess where I got this idea from) :smallwink:

[Mrmox42]

Parchment of the Stenographarian: A magical piece of parchment, that requires attunement. When attuned, the parchment will magically write down everything you say. Your words will appear on the parchment, as you say them.

Very clever.

There is a catch, however. As there is only one piece of parchment, and as the parchment writes down EVERYTHING you say (even coughs and sighs), and as the parchment - when it reaches the bottom of the page - starts anew at the top, overwriting whatever was there, you need to stay very quiet if you want your words kept for posterity.

The parchment stays attuned to you as long as you live, and it will record your words, no matter how far away it is from you, and no matter what plane or planet may seperate you.

[grub]

Parchment of the Stenographarian: A magical piece of parchment, that requires attunement. When attuned, the parchment will magically write down everything you say. Your words will appear on the parchment, as you say them.

Very clever.

There is a catch, however. As there is only one piece of parchment, and as the parchment writes down EVERYTHING you say (even coughs and sighs), and as the parchment - when it reaches the bottom of the page - starts anew at the top, overwriting whatever was there, you need to stay very quiet if you want your words kept for posterity.

The parchment stays attuned to you as long as you live, and it will record your words, no matter how far away it is from you, and no matter what plane or planet may seperate you.

That sounds incredibly useful, imagine a BBEG scrying on his henchmen, now they can receive orders.

Or give 2 to a group and split the party, now you can coordinate attacks/plans.

[Knaight]

That sounds incredibly useful, imagine a BBEG scrying on his henchmen, now they can receive orders.

Or give 2 to a group and split the party, now you can coordinate attacks/plans.

It also is the sort of thing that totally blows all privacy. Imagine a BBEG scrying on their minions using that scroll, and then it gets captured by one of the BBEG's enemies. Suddenly, they get an amazing amount of intelligence on their every action.

[Bubzors]

Ehn, couldn't you just not talk and unattune? That isn't too bad, but now you lost your neat little parchment

[Knaight]

Ehn, couldn't you just not talk and unattune? That isn't too bad, but now you lost your neat little parchment

Nope. "The parchment stays attuned to you as long as you live, and it will record your words, no matter how far away it is from you, and no matter what plane or planet may seperate you."

That's where it gets to borderline cursed item territory. The thing is a liability.

[Bubzors]

Whoops shows I just skimmed lol. totally agree with yoU now. Totally cursed

[Mrmox42]

Cloud Familiar: A small (medium sized) sentient grey cloud-being, made of vapors, takes a liking to you and acts as your familiar. It hovers above you, and acts like a Familiar, as per the rules. It can, of course fly.
It is, however, not especially quiet, for two reasons:
1: A slight drizzle of rain escape the Cloud Familiar from time to time.
2: Tiny bolts of Lightning and small booms of thunder will occasionally emanate from the Cloud Familiar. This especially happens when the Cloud is agitated, and when stealth is required.

The 'owner' of the Cloud Familiar will therefore find himself wet, or at least damp, most of the time, and occasionally charred as well, as the loving Cloud Familiar stays close above him.

The tiny Lightning Bolts cause 1D4 damage.

[metaridley18]

Amulet of Phasing: This plain silver medallion is on a thin chain. When the command word is spoken, the wearer will be able to pass through any matter and force effect, and ignore any magical movement effects that would normally apply to them, such as fly or hold person. It does not, unfortunately, let the wearer ignore gravity.

Amulet of Phrasing: This golden medallion forces the wearer to talk using suggestive innuendo at all times.

[DragonSinged]

Periapt of Edition Confusion
When equipped on your head slot, grants DR 10 vs all sonic damage. Also doubles the duration of Glitterdust spells.

Periapt of System Confusion
Halves the mote cost of any Perfect Defenses, in addition to granting immunity to any shaping effects.

[grub]

Hat of Truth Detection
Has the appearance of a stylish hat with a gem stone adornment which lights up when the wearer is being deceitful. Attuned, cannot be removed until the curse is broken or the wearer is deceased. Once the curse is broken the hat changes appearance.

[Mrmox42]

Hat of Truth Detection
Has the appearance of a stylish hat with a gem stone adornment which lights up when the wearer is being deceitful. Attuned, cannot be removed until the curse is broken or the wearer is deceased. Once the curse is broken the hat changes appearance.


Hmm, useful for interrogation, actually. :smallsmile:

Gauntlets of the Mighty Arms of the Dinosaurs: The Wearer of these green and scaly Gauntlets will be affected in the following ways:

1: His mouth grows to enormous proportions, and it is filled with jagged teeth. He can now attack with his Bite, causing 1D12 damage.

2: He grows a tail, from which great spikes protrude. He can make an attack with his tail as a Bonus Action, causing 1D8 damage.

3: He grows scales on his body, giving him a natural AC of 15.

4: He cannot wear any Armor, as his body is now weirdly contorted. He cannot use Helmets, Backpacks, Capes og Cloaks, either.

5: His arms grow tiny and weak – with an effective Strength of 3, and the weight of the Gauntlets cause his arms to hang straight down, being completely useless. The wearer cannot carry anything in his hands. No shields, either.

6: Looking like a monster, the wearer’s Charisma is halved, rounded down.

7: Being affected by all this dinosaurusness, the wearer is now quite daft. His Intelligence is halved, rounded down.

8: Oh yes, since the wearers mouth is very big and full of serrated teeth, he cannot speak or cast spells with Verbal Components. He can only roar. Loudly.

9: This, however, gives the wearer a +4 on Intimidate checks.

[Tvtyrant]

Tooth of the Fairy
This magic tooth is placed in the mouth after the fresh removal of a natural tooth. It then seals itself in place of the old tooth for the next 24 hours. During this time you gain large diaphanous wings which have no capacity to aid the user in any physical manner. At the end of 24 hours the tooth leaves the wielders mouth, and 1d4 gold pieces appear beneath their tongue.

[SiuiS]

Quill of Rage: An ordinary quill that will only write when you scribble in the corner to make sure it is working.


You horrid, wretched, vile thing. Why. Why would you do this? Why.

[Mrmox42]

Quill of Rage: An ordinary quill that will only write when you scribble in the corner to make sure it is working.

We have quite a few BallpointPens of Rage where I work. :smallbiggrin:

[Dhavaer]

Dolphins are highly intelligent sentient beings with communication skills! You cannot eat them!!

Pfft. People say the same thing about halflings, but would you pass up a plump, juicy halfling just because it claimed to be intelligent? Of course not!

[Mrmox42]

Slippers of Sleepwalking: This pair of enchanted footwear activates when put next to you bed or bedroll. When you sleep, these slippers cause you to sit up, and put them on. You will then go sleepwalking.

[Mrmox42]

Frying Pan of Usefulness: This stout piece of Kitchenware was made by a Halfling chef, who was working for a mercenary company that was hired to clear out a forest full of Goblins. As he often found himself in the middle of ambushes, he had the company Wizard help him make this wonderful item.
The Frying Pan of Usefulness can be used in several ways:
If wielded as a weapon, it does 1D3 points of damage, but causes Critical Hits on a 19 or 20.
If used as a Shield, it gives a +1 on Armor Class.
If used as an actual Frying Pan, it cooks a vicious chili con carne.

[Battlebooze]

Cup of Existential Emptiness.
An exquisite flagon of polished brass, decorated with images of nobles drinking at a banquet. Can be filled as easily as any other cup. Unfortunately any attempt to actually drink from the cup will invariably spill the contents all over the holder.

Rock of throwing.
A fist sized rock imbued with ahem, earth power.
Improvised thrown weapon, inflicts 1d2 damage. Looks like it could really hurt. Utterly immune to anti-magic fields!

Rock of throwing. Silver
A fist sized chunk of silver ore imbued with ahem, earth power.
Improvised thrown weapon, inflicts 1d2 damage. Looks like it could really hurt. Utterly immune to anti-magic fields. Counts as a silvered Weapon too!

[goto124]

Cup of Existential Emptiness.
An exquisite flagon of polished brass, decorated with images of nobles drinking at a banquet. Can be filled as easily as any other cup. Unfortunately any attempt to actually drink from the cup will invariably spill the contents all over the holder.

Cup of Existential Emptiness v2.1TM
Just like the first model, except this cup will also lecture your PC on how she's just a bunch of words on a piece of paper, and even the cup she's trying to drink from isn't any more real than a short sentence muttered by some human.

Apparently 4th Wall Breakers suffer from some sense of nihilism.

[bloodshed343]

Serial Bowl:

This large bowl is perpetually filled with the rough first drafts of a serial novel. Attempts to follow the story cause 1d6 psychic damage.

Flutter Knife:

This knife flutters as if it had wings. As it doesn't have wings, it primarily just beats against whatever surface it's placed on.

Bee Cup:

A cup full of 10d100 angry bees.

Hot Glass:

This small glass is perpetually hot.

Flying pan:

This pan hovers above the fire, just high enough to avoid heating up.

[toapat]

Wand of Mole : When you use the Wand of Mole one mole of any substance is created in an adjacent square.

I create one mole of element 368 (theoretically well over 1 Kg). It then detonates in nuclear fire


Gloves of Lock Picking: The wearer receives advantage on Intelligence checks to determine what type of lock would be best suited to install on a particular door, hatch, or chest (e.g., padlock, deadbolt, etc.).

Typically considered broken, as it advises the optimal lock is 6 feet of concrete, multiple layers of lead, and welding the door shut. Also heavily advises that the concrete be set on fire. And then 20 foot rods be anchored through the concrete and into the door.


Mystical Map: This blank parchment, when a command word is spoken, forms an illusory interactable landscape where anyone may influence the world. Inherently it guides the user to build a city populated by strange boxes which live in much larger boxes, and paint the land green, yellow, or blue for some odd reason so that larger boxes may grow in those areas. Some of these boxes turn the land grey and the water brown. You are unsure what is happening

The landscape is entirely foreign and trying to use this map as a description for teleportation results in the caster being erased from existence.

[Battlebooze]

Cup of Existential Emptiness v2.1TM
Just like the first model, except this cup will also lecture your PC on how she's just a bunch of words on a piece of paper, and even the cup she's trying to drink from isn't any more real than a short sentence muttered by some human.

Apparently 4th Wall Breakers suffer from some sense of nihilism.

Wisdom save DC 6 vs complete character disintegration.
"I'm what?" Pop!

[Gritmonger]

Rod of Fire - This rod, which usually has 1 charge when found, when activated with a command word ("Light, darnit!") and flint-and-tinder, becomes a Rod of Fire, capable of inflicting fire damage. This is a continuous effect that doesn't require concentration, and is immune to dispelling, except with regard to the druidcraft cantrip, or any water based spell. Use of one charge causes the charge to be expended for the four hour duration, after which it becomes useless. Every morning the rod regains 1d0 charges. If the rod has no charges left, it becomes a useless stick.

Stick of Clubbiness - Derived solely from the remains of a Rod of Fire, the Stick of Clubbiness is a club capable of inflicting 1d4 bludgeoning damage and a nasty charcoal smear on an opponent when one is proficient in simple weapons. This smear of charcoal plus the smell of wet burnt wood reduce the DC on survival checks (-5) to follow a target by smell until washed off. The Stick of Clubbiness can also be used to create a visible Wizard's Mark, otherwise known as graffiti.

[Mrmox42]

Helm of the Gnome: Has 1 charge, that is renewed once a week. Gives the wearer the ability to speak with burrowing animals for one minute.

Helm of Nome: Gives the wearer advantage on saves versus Frostbite and Snowblindness.

Loincloth of the Mighty: When wearing nothing but the Loincloth, (and that means nothing – no armor, no backpack, no belt, no rings, no boots, no cloak or cape, no NOTHING) and being armed with a Great Weapon, the user gets the following bonuses:
+2 to AC, as the vitals are protected by the Mighty loincloth
+1 to hit with a Great Weapon
+1 to Damage with a Great Weapon
+4 for Intimidation Checks as he looks downright scary
(This item has a counterpart which does the same: The Bikini of the Mighty)

Oil of the Muscleman/Woman: When wearing nothing but a loincloth or a bikini, and rubbing yourself with this oil, you look shiny and good. This doubles your Charisma Bonus when you are dealing with people of the opposite sex (and they are of a species that will find you attractive).

[goto124]

Change that to 'people of the correct sexual orientation to find you attractive', to include homosexuals and bisexuals :D

[Mrmox42]

Ah yes, of course. :smallsmile: My bad.

But the species thing still stands.

[toapat]

Loincloth of the Mighty: When wearing nothing but the Loincloth, (and that means nothing – no armor, no backpack, no belt, no rings, no boots, no cloak or cape, no NOTHING) and being armed with a Great Weapon, the user gets the following bonuses:
+2 to AC, as the vitals are protected by the Mighty loincloth
+1 to hit with a Great Weapon
+1 to Damage with a Great Weapon
+4 for Intimidation Checks as he looks downright scary
(This item has a counterpart which does the same: The Bikini of the Mighty)

But what if my female elf barbarian only wants the loincloth?

[Mrmox42]

But what if my female elf barbarian only wants the loincloth?

To be very D&D5E-ish: It's up to the DM.

I, personally, would rule that wearing the Loincloth will work equally well for all races, regardless of gender, as long as that race is physically capable of wearing it.
So in my game, your female elf barbarian (or your male halfling monk, or your female Dragonborn paladin, but NOT your Thri-Kreen - regardless of gender) would be very welcome wearing only the Loincloth, and would recieve all it's benefits.

Oh yes, and if your male halfling monk should choose to wear the bikini, be my guest. All bonuses still apply.

[Peebles]

Rope of Blinding: Blinds anyone who touches it, for as long as they remain in contact with rope, giving Disadvantage to any attempt to bind captives or use as an aid to climb checks.

The Occasional Table: Sometimes it's a table, sometimes it's not. It tends to choose not to be a table just as you're about to place something fragile on it.

[Thrudd]

Horn of Annoying Proclamations:
This brass bugle compels its bearer to raise it to their lips and announce their companions' passage through any sort of doorway or portal with a loud and poorly performed fanfare, forcing all allies within earshot to make a dc 10 wisdom save or be compelled to cover their ears or slap the horn blower.
May not be used by bards or anyone with a performance: music skill.

If paired with the Flag of Pointless Heraldry, intelligent enemies in the area must make a DC 15 wisdom save or stare with a confused look on their faces for one round.

[Joe the Rat]

Think of it like sizing: it adapts to fit the wearer. I mean, we're talking about a magic modesty flap. Having it sprout an extra few square inches of fabric/leather/vinyl/chain mail/kittens/etc. to create a second piece for those that want it isn't that far afield.

and for contributions:
Intellectual Pipe: Holding this dapper pipe in your mouth makes you look thoughtful and clever, giving you advantage on Bluff checks to look smart. It does nothing to make you act, sound, or be any smarter. Any creature that has heard you speak is immune to the pipe's effects.

Not a pipe: This is not a magical pipe. This is a description of attributes and game effects of a magic pipe. Creatures that fail a DC 13 Intelligence saving throw can use this as a pipeweed pipe that lights itself. Players that succeed on this saving throw have advantage on attack rolls to throw snacks at the DM.

[kaoskonfety]

Oh yes, and if your male halfling monk should choose to wear the bikini, be my guest. All bonuses still apply.

With he added bonus that he gets to feel sexy.


Manacles of freedom (Artefact) - this set of leg, arm and neck manacles can only be equipped voluntarily by a free willed humanoid who had been made to understand the items powers. They restrict movement to 5' of slow shuffling per round regardless of other sources of movement options and prevent all spell casting, attack actions, bonus actions or reactions, the wearer also cannot be teleported by normal means and any mortal made form of transport they are placed on slows to 5' per round. Plane shift continues to function normally as does Gate, however the wearer must be subject to the spells voluntarily or they fail. The wearer is also under the effects of Freedom of movement and their 5' movement cannot be in any other way restricted, no locks will hold, they cannot be grappled or pushed and ignore the prone condition and they can walk though solid matter with ease and if utterly prevented from escape via encasement in solid rock, at the bottom of the sea, force effects or extradimentional barriers the wearer will be transported out of these bounds to the nearest place of relative safety. They become immune to all mind control, binding and soul trapping effects for as long as the manacles are worn. Once equipped no action the creature takes can remove the manacles, nor can they be removed by any means short of their death if the wearer does not wish it. Removal of the item requires the wearer be willing to have them removed and either the use of a wish spell or the intervention of a deity or similar power.

[Tvtyrant]

Ring of the Lamb - sings insistently, in high pitched slightly off key braying. It never ends...


Better than Ring on the Lamb, which runs away from you and constantly begs other people to hide it.

[Kurald Galain]

Better than Ring on the Lamb, which runs away from you and constantly begs other people to hide it.

Coming this year in the epic trilogy, Lamb of the Rings. Yessss, my precioussss...!

[Tvtyrant]

Coming this year in the epic trilogy, Lamb of the Rings. Yessss, my precioussss...!

Then the horrible sequel the Silence of the Rings.

[Kurald Galain]

Then the horrible sequel the Silence of the Rings.

Followed by the commercial flop and sell-out Ring of the Lamps...

[Knaight]

Manacles of freedom (Artefact)

These sound amazingly useful, just for convincing prisoners to wear them on pain of death.

[JAL_1138]

Fishing-line of Binding: Invariably tangles itself around every object in its container if not observed for more than one round. If untangled and used on a fishing reel, bird's-nests something awful and renders the reel useless after one cast. Also hangs in any plant life, rock, or other obstruction in the vicinity of the cast.

Cup of Last Comfort: This badly-dented tin cup from an ancient legionary chaplain's field kit holds about 8 ounces of liquid. Any drink administered to a dying creature from this cup tastes pleasant, dulls all pain, and makes the imbiber vividly remember their happiest moments until the imbiber either dies or is healed by other means. It has no other effect, and does not affect creatures for whom death is not imminent.

[Battlebooze]

Torch of Fire Detection.
A magic torch that glows red in the close presence of fire.

Boomerang Arrows.
When shot, these odd arrows travel half their normal maximum distance then return to their shooter if nothing was struck.

[BootStrapTommy]

This is a list of the best items from a list of "almost useless" items that I pulled from a thread around here years ago. Some might be duplicates of earlier posts, some are just amusing cursed items, others are nearly useless but might have a few intriguing uses if players are creative enough. That thread immediate turned into a "how can we make these gag items useful" thread. But any good player can make the best of just about anything, right? Internets (and possibly cookies) for anyone who can devise good uses for any of these.

Shirt of Throwing: This simple green shirt is the perfect size for the average Halfling, Gnome, or Dwarf. When doned, the wearer's range increment increases by 50ft when thrown.
Amulet of Delay: sounds made by the wearer delayed 1d4 rounds
Staff of Disintegration: on use the staff disintegrates. One use.
Coin of Indecision: A gold coin with the word "YES" on one side and the word "NO" on the other. If it is flipped while asking a question, the coin always lands on edge.
Magic Stone: a stone which registered as a powerful magic item when Detect Magic item is cast on it, but does nothing else.
Ring of Invulnerability: The ring can never be destroyed.
Ring of Invisibility: When worn, this ring becomes invisible.
Spoon of Cooking: When held, make a DC 12 Wisdom save or be dominated to make a delicious meal out of materials currently available to you.
The Dog Whistle: This is a common whistle, except that when blown it makes no noise. However, 1d10 rounds later, a dog will be summoned (as per summon nature's ally 1). This dog does not obey the commands of the whistle blower, or anyone else, and if the whistle is blown again, if it is attacked or if anyone attempts to use a spell or skill on it, it runs away immediately. After 1d4 minutes, it will marks its territory (possibly on a PC or NPC, this is a ranged touch attack with a range of 5 feet and a +10 bonus to hit) and then disappears. If the dog is killed, its remains vanish within 1 round and it cannot be summoned again for a week.
The Sword of Damoclese: A magic blade from legendary tales. It would act as a Dancing Scimitar for anyone who knows the command word - unfortunately that command word is in a forgotten tongue for a dead race who's physiology was capable of producing completely unique sounds. Without the command word, then this sword will imprint itself on a random individual and hang 3 feet above their head (pointed down, as though about to fall and impale their skull), soft of like a giant metal exclamation point or a very dangerous ion stone. If it is unable to maintain this position (due to a low ceiling or persistent attempts to catch it), it will disappear, turning invisible, and silently stalk its intended 'master' for a time. It will always re-appear shortly before the person awakens from sleep, so that the first thing they see in the morning is a sword a few inches above their nose, suspended in mid-air. A character who is being followed by this sword who enters an anti-magic field should make a Dex save (DC 15) to avoid getting skewered by the falling blade. On a successful Dexterity check (also DC 15), the character can attempt to wrest the sword out of the air and wield it as a weapon. Each round they wield the blade, however, they take a -4 circumstance penalty to attack and damage (because the sword is uncooperative) and must make a DC 15 Strength check. Immediately after losing control of the sword, it will flat them for 1d6 non-lethal damage in retribution before taking it's place again (or turning invisible, if it's feeling spiteful).
Earmuffs of Songs: A special theme song plays for your character (out of no where) every time he does something interesting, but he can't hear it himself.
Amulet of Oppositional Emotion: Whatever the character's emotion is, its shown the opposite on his face. If he's sad, he'll smile, if he's fighting he'll giggle like a school girl, etc.
Tome of Uselessness: Whenever this plain brown tome is opened, it closes (as the Open/Close spell).
Presto's Hat: When they cast a spell using the magic hat, pick a word at random. The player must immediately create a rhyme using that word which also described what the spell should do. If they quickly and correctly do so, then apply a random beneficial effect (metamagic, secondary healing or protection effect, auto-hit, etc). If they delay, stumble in their words, or can't think of anything, they lose the spell and something weird happen.
Grapeberry: A magical grape with the shape, colour, texture, and flavour of a strawberry.
The Item: This innocent looking item has a strange effect on those who hear of it. They are consumed with the desire to own the Item. The owner of the Item feels it to be one of his most precious possessions and cannot be persuaded to part with it. However, this does not stop him from giving the Item away as a gift. Just from selling it. The current owner will do the best they can to both keep the Item secure, and keep it close to their person at all times.
If it is stolen it's owner, the former owner will seek it out. The new owner will be affected by the magic of the Item as above.
Mug of Dwarven Hate: Any alcoholic beverage placed into the cup instantly becomes alcohol-free and tastes of raw sewage.
Rod of the Magician: This Rod appears to be magical, but an Identify spell yields no information other than an activation word: "Kaboom." When the Command Word is stated (as a Full Round Action), a Prestidigitation spell is activated to make a popping sound and a flash. Afterwards, a flag is unrolled from the top of the rod. The flag reads "Bang!"
Crossbow of Inner Torment: This is nothing more than a masterwork crossbow which always targets the user. It cannot be fired any other way.
Sack of Infinite Capacity: As long as anything you put into it weighs less than 1/10th of a pound, anything put into this sack will weigh nothing at all!
Amulet of Drop Bear Repellent: When worn drops bears will not attack you. Or will they?
The Chair of Steadiness: This chair can be moved but cannot be tipped over by anything less than a DC 35 Strength check.
Book of Confusion: The letters in this book always appear to be upside down, even if viewed from different directions at the same time.
Sharpened Staff of Iron: This Staff is actually made out of iron and is quite sharp. Deals 1d8 + Strength damage per hit.
Ring of Nonvisibility: You become invisible, as long as no one is looking at you.
Shirt of Pants: As long as you wear this item, you are immune to the naked status.
Hat of Disguise Self: Once per day on command this hat will cast Disguise Self. On itself.
Mantle of Awe: On entering a room with the mantle in one's possession, a flock of doves fly through the doorway from behind you, a fanfare plays and an angelic chorus can be heard singing a verse. The larger the room, the more impressive the effect (more doves, longer angelic chorus).
Created for a noble who wished to make a good impression at a party. Has the unfortunate effect of activating every time one enters a room. Every room. This fact was discovered by a scoundrel who robbed the original owner and tried (failing) to escape.
Lenses of the Wary Tyrant: These lenses make orphans glow with a subtle golden light, to the wearer.
A set of these was commissioned for use by an evil despot who had cottoned on to the fact that those same intrepid heroes that overthrow despots are, 95 times out of a hundred, orphans. Elite death squads were equipped with the lenses and ordered to cull the population in what turned out to be one of the most successful evil reigns in history.
When worn by an orphan, has the unfortunate effect of applying the golden light to oneself, rendering one effectively colorblind (you see everything in shades of gold) and halving one's ability to see in the dark.
The Stone of Jordan: This small ring, set with a plain piece of gray sandstone, weighing .01 pounds (weight is important here, and should be tracked). It has an aura of moderate conjuration. Every hour the user spends active, the stone duplicates itself, with the copy appearing somewhere on the owner's person. Each copied ring retains the duplication quality. As such, after two hours of activity, the user will have 4 Stones of Jordan. After ten hours, they will have 512 in their possession. After sixteen hours, they will have 32,768.
The duplication effect does not tend to apply to discarded rings, but works as a conjuration effect that tracks the most recent individual to use the effect. In short, if one picks up the ring and it activates while in their ownership, the duplication effect will only work for that individual, until they go 72 hours without triggering the effect, at which point the duplication effect fades on all but one of the rings and other rings crumble to sand. (The same will occur to any ring that one attempts to harvest for crude materials) This was implemented as a safeguard to keep the ring from carpeting the world.
Owners of the Stone of Jordan will find that, much like sand, the rings will get everywhere. The duplication effect is indiscriminate and places the rings around armor straps, in pockets, hanging from buttons, inside scroll cases, in the recesses of bedrolls, and so on. Failure to find that one last ring will result in one's backpacks and pockets overflowing with the damned things by the end of the day.
Created by a gnome wizard as a gift to his betrothed, likely with some kitschy sentiment like "My love for you redoubles every hour." Ended in tragedy when the fiance was found buried under tens of thousands of the things.
The Magic Ring of Magic Detection: This magical ring will glow very softly if it is within 10 feet of any magic items including itself (must be within 5 feet of the ring and make a DC 10 Perception check to notice it).
The Infinite Book of Magic Reading: This book is indecipherable without the use of the Read Magic spell. The front and back cover of the book are covered in runes which, when deciphered, promise to teach the reader of every page of the book how to cast spells more efficiently. The first page of the book contains a modified version of the spell Read Magic, which can only be used to read the second page, which contains a modified version of Read Magic which can only be used to read the third page, etc. The book has an infinite number of pages.
The Bottomless Mug: This ordinary looking mug does nothing until the bottom touches any liquid. At which point the bottom disappears. For some reason most pubs ban anyone who asks for it to be filled up
Flanagan's Endless Flask: Contains an endless supply of alcohol, if you're sober.
Scroll of Literacy: Caster becomes Literate.
Scroll of Cure Blindness: Caster is cured of Blindness
Potion of True Resurection: True Resurection on a potion, not much to explain.
Potion of Gate: The gate spell is cast ... inside of you, a random monster comes out of it, it's hostile to the drinker and will proceed to burst out of the drinker upon coming out of the gate.
Potion of Time Stop: Your digestive system acts freely for 1d4 +1 rounds.
Boots of Levitation: These boots levitate when not worn.
Bastard Sword: This sword goes into a frenzy when his creator is mentioned.
Duck of Many Things: This duck lays 1d4 eggs a day, random mundane oddities are found in the eggs. The duck tends to lay them in hidden places.
Cloak of Billowing: this cloak will always billow dramatically behind the wearer, it has no other effects.
Amulet of Feather Fall: When worn, this amulet turns into a feather and falls to the ground.
Ring of Gygaxian Teleportation: This ring will teleport you d% of the distance to your target location. You will then have a CR appropriate random encounter: roll initiative.
Opportunistic Sword: This weapon will sprout small metallic legs and run away when no one is watching.
Hammer of Dwarven Thrower: When wielded by a dwarf, this hammer throws the dwarf 30 ft in a random direction.
Bag of Holding: Upon first opening the bag, a voice speaks in a language the user can understand. The user is told the bag contains important information the user needs to know. It then tells the user to hang on a second while it rummages through its memory. The bag speaks no more.
Partisan Cravat: This brightly colored tie is sympathetic and will change its hue to a colour calculated to cause the maximum amount of hostility in anyone who sees it.
Feather of Ring Falling: Anyone holding this feather have their rings fall off.
Cannon of Canon: A cannon that when loaded with a piece of literature and fired at a church immediately causes whatever is in the literature to become part of the canon of that religion.
Rod of Wander: A rod that causes the owner to have no sense of direction.
Relative Pole: A twenty foot pole that decreases in length as your speed increases.
Pole Vault: A large Safe that is always filled with poles of various lengths, ranging from 10' to 42'
Polish Remover: A duel purpose potion that when rubbed on an object causes it to no longer be shiny. Also causes anyone from Poland to disappear.
The Axe of Bar: Whenever a trap is spotted by the owner this axe immediately points to the trap and loudly announces "IT'S A TRAP!"
Potable Hole: A hole that is not portable, but is full of water that is safe to drink.
Potion of Regurgitation: a potion that immediately causes the user to vomit
Violin of Violence: A violin that when played produces music so bad that all within 20' immediatly become hostile

[GorinichSerpant]

When my players decide to throw the gnome in an awesome fashion, I will award their craziness with a shirt of throwing.

That item also synergies wonderfully with the Dwarf Throwing Hammer adding up to a dwarf going a distance of 70 ft! Give this combo to a rouge and with enough training you've an excellent infiltrator, give it to barbarian and you've got a warrior who'll inspire fear in orcs and goblins for ages to come! *re-reads the passage* Oh wait never mind, this isn't nearly as exploitable. :smallfrown:

[Battlebooze]

Cannon of Canon: A cannon that when loaded with a piece of literature and fired at a church immediately causes whatever is in the literature to become part of the canon of that religion.

Oh boy, this is an Artifact power level item!

[Battlebooze]

This thread dredged up an old memory that makes me smile. Once upon a Rolemaster campaign I happened to be browsing a list of minor magic items in one of the many rules supplements. I came across an amusing item called a "pot of cookery".

I believe the flavor text said, "When the command word is spoken, anything in the pot is instantly and deliciously cooked."
No save was listed, so I asked the GM and he said. "If it doesn't give a save, there is none."

At the time we were fighting some ancient elder dude who could eat dragons for breakfast. He was godlike in fact. (I think he was an alien who helped create all life on the planet eons ago or some crazy thing like that.)

My Runemaster/Alchemist came up with a plan...

I made a pot of cookery, spending thousands of gold to make it look like a helm fit for a god. Just for the chance we would meet the bad guy and I could bribe him and instantly and deliciously cook his head!

It never happened. But it was worth a laugh to try anyway.

[goto124]

'I try to cook the air inside the pot.'

[Mrmox42]

Torch of Fire Detection.
A magic torch that glows red in the close presence of fire.

I love this item :smallbiggrin:

[kaoskonfety]

Ring of Gygaxian Teleportation: This ring will teleport you d% of the distance to your target location. You will then have a CR appropriate random encounter: roll initiative.


One of us is remembering Gygax and his encounter tables differently than the other: "CR appropriate" not so much, "random" very yes.

[JAL_1138]

One of us is remembering Gygax and his encounter tables differently than the other: "CR appropriate" not so much, "random" very yes.

At low level a random encounter in the woods could be anything from "three medusas, a pool of green slime, and a rust monster" to a lone housecat. Who could still one-shot the wizard.

[Joe the Rat]

At low level a random encounter in the woods could be anything from "three medusas, a pool of green slime, and a rust monster" to a lone housecat. Who could still one-shot the wizard.
That's just silly.


You could only have two of the three (Roll twice) :smallbiggrin:

[kaoskonfety]

Some quick rolling on the 1st ed overland encounter tables (temperate wilderness specifically)... giant ant, dragon (red), a skunk, a mummy... (Titan is on the list... I THINK thats is the most bonkers one...)

good old bad old times....

[RedMage125]

Coin of Indecision: A gold coin with the word "YES" on one side and the word "NO" on the other. If it is flipped while asking a question, the coin always lands on edge.
I would love something like this for flavor purposes.

Ring of Invisibility: When worn, this ring becomes invisible.
Beat you to this one in an earlier post, lol.

Earmuffs of Songs: A special theme song plays for your character (out of no where) every time he does something interesting, but he can't hear it himself.
Lol, almost the reverse of my "Beats of Elvenkind"


Mantle of Awe: On entering a room with the mantle in one's possession, a flock of doves fly through the doorway from behind you, a fanfare plays and an angelic chorus can be heard singing a verse. The larger the room, the more impressive the effect (more doves, longer angelic chorus).
Created for a noble who wished to make a good impression at a party. Has the unfortunate effect of activating every time one enters a room. Every room. This fact was discovered by a scoundrel who robbed the original owner and tried (failing) to escape.
I also want this, but in real life.

Scroll of Literacy: Caster becomes Literate.
Scroll of Cure Blindness: Caster is cured of Blindness

I love these so much.


Potion of True Resurection: True Resurection on a potion, not much to explain.
This one I don't get as "useless", given that potions can be administered to another. Kind of like a Phoenix Down, ne?

Duck of Many Things: This duck lays 1d4 eggs a day, random mundane oddities are found in the eggs. The duck tends to lay them in hidden places.
The name makes me think you play Munchkin.

[EvanescentHero]

This one I don't get as "useless", given that potions can be administered to another. Kind of like a Phoenix Down, ne?

I think it means that the potion itself can be resurrected.

I very much plan to give my party a Duck of Many Things now too.

[Gritmonger]

I think it means that the potion itself can be resurrected.

I very much plan to give my party a Duck of Many Things now too.

As a character who habitually played a pack-rat, I would SO have a Duck of Many Things, just so I could stow a whole load of the eggs for use at inopportune times to throw at enemies. If it's gold or a boat or a ladder, it should still suffice to slow a horde of goblins...

[Battlebooze]

Silly Putty: A small and mildly disgusting looking lump of fleshy goo. When smeared on the owners face, the putty grants advantage to Deception checks used for disguising the character as a clown.

Bat-a-rang: Bat shaped throwing dart that turns into a bat and flies away after it is used as a weapon.

Portable speed bump: The opposite of a portable hole. This odd object resembles a gray circular disk of soft fabric. By using an action, the owner can expose a six foot diameter pillar of stone, ten feet high. While folded the object has no weight. When exposed the pillar weights 10,000 pounds.

[Mrmox42]

Giant Lock Pick set: A set of 3 feet long magical Lock Picks. Grants the user Advantage when picking really really big Locks. May be used as improvised weapons in desperate situations.

[kaoskonfety]

Random Encounter Table - A 10' by 10' heavy oaken table that becomes attuned to the first character that touches it and remains so until their death. Any given room the character enters has a 1% chance of containing the table in a random eligible space. The table will have one of the following at it when so found:

- 1d6 random adventurers of the parties level sitting in the same number of chairs, arguing about their upcoming adventure (if possible a module the party has already completed)
- a bored Death Knight, dealing for Blackjack, 1 occupied (by the death knight) and 5 empty chairs, minimum wager 100 gold (the house always wins)
- 2d4 Orcs with 2d4 chairs playing musical chairs, to the death!
- a birthday cake, there is an iron file in the cake, the cake is delicious
- (*Read aloud*) *all the players here and DM, playing the game of D&D the characters are in, any interaction with the players will result in the characters immediate death* -the players and DM are DM controlled NPCs, interaction has no consequences
- The DM, several sets of dice, and enough empty chairs for all but one of the characters, interaction has no consequences
- the table is covered in salt, aprox 20 gp value, 400 lb
- an ominous set of skulls and arcane marking
- 3 human drunks and a cask of fouled ale
- 2 house cats, one black, one orange, cleaning themselves
- a ticking box
... and so on to taste...

Characters Move at half speed while passing though the tables space, the table weights 300 pounds and is in all respects a normal oak table. Any damage to the table is repaired when it next "appears"

[goto124]

My first touch with the table will be using it as a giant cudgel.

[Mrmox42]

Orb of Koboldkind: A powerful wizard was asked by his king to create a weapon against the Kobold menace. Unfortunately the wizard was hung over, så the item is not quite what the king had in mind. The Orb of Koboldkind can cast Dominate Kobold once per week. It allows you to dominate one Kobold of the ordinary kind, as per the Dominate spell. This means that Kobold Spellcasters, leaders and Kobolds with more than 10 HP are unaffected.
When held over the head, the Orb also allows you to gain advantage on attempts to track the Kobold that you have Dominated.

[JAL_1138]

Wand of Silent Image: This wand, made of a rare and exotic wood, is inlaid with intricate filigrees of colored gold (blue, green, white, and rose gold in addition to pure gold) that depict climbing morning glory vines, and is capped with a sapphire worth 200 gp. Engraved in fine elvish script on a ring-sized, well-worn gold band around the center of the wand, the only part of the wand that shows any sign of age, are the closing words of a High Elven wedding vow. The wand holds 10 charges, and regains 1d10 charges per long rest. When used, it invariably creates an image within 10ft of the caster of a plain-looking young human woman dressed in peasant's clothing placing a morning glory flower in her hair, smiling shyly to the caster, and waving in greeting, then fading away in the same round as the wand was used. No amount of magical skill short of direct action by a deity can make it change the image it produces.

[TheDeadlyShoe]

Segway's Urban Transport
Consists of a wheeled plank, with a long pole extending upwards and ending in a pair of handles.

Once the wielder steps onto the plank and grasps the handles, the wielder is afforded a 50 ft move speed while looking totally ridiculous. If they let go of the handles the machine will suddenly stop, spilling the wielder prone in their square.

Orb of Commentary
This orb provides access to limitless knowledge accrued from the beginning of time. However, upon learning any knowledge through the device, the wielder is compelled to memorize thousands of inane, useless, and often totally wrong comments made by anonymous others on the topic in question. Upon being released from this compulsion, the wielder is left confused and unsure, unable to tell the truths they have learned from the controversies and meanderings of the unveiled discussions.

[kaoskonfety]

Orb of Commentary
This orb provides access to limitless knowledge accrued from the beginning of time. However, upon learning any knowledge through the device, the wielder is compelled to memorize thousands of inane, useless, and often totally wrong comments made by anonymous others on the topic in question. Upon being released from this compulsion, the wielder is left confused and unsure, unable to tell the truths they have learned from the controversies and meanderings of the unveiled discussions.

Oh noes! its 1dpi internets! Run for your minds!

[GorinichSerpant]

Ring of Giant's Strength:
Designed to be like a Belt of Giant's Strength but only smaller, this ring gives tremendous strength, but only to the finger it's put on do to being poorly made. It also re-sizes itself to fit any person, but only on the pinky, again due to being poorly made.

The gnome who made this ring was soon after executed for wasting government funds and as a safe guard as to prevent him from breaking the universe in some way.

[ondonaflash]

Wand of Silent Image: This wand, made of a rare and exotic wood, is inlaid with intricate filigrees of colored gold (blue, green, white, and rose gold in addition to pure gold) that depict climbing morning glory vines, and is capped with a sapphire worth 200 gp. Engraved in fine elvish script on a ring-sized, well-worn gold band around the center of the wand, the only part of the wand that shows any sign of age, are the closing words of a High Elven wedding vow. The wand holds 10 charges, and regains 1d10 charges per long rest. When used, it invariably creates an image within 10ft of the caster of a plain-looking young human woman dressed in peasant's clothing placing a morning glory flower in her hair, smiling shyly to the caster, and waving in greeting, then fading away in the same round as the wand was used. No amount of magical skill short of direct action by a deity can make it change the image it produces.

This actually sounds both heartbreakingly tragic, and potentially the start of an intriguing campaign.

[Mrmox42]

Slippers of slipping: Cursed items that makes you have disadvantage on dexterity checks and saves.

Earmuffs of silence: Wearing these enchanted earmuffs makes the user completely unable to hear anything. This makes him immune to spells like Command and effects like those that Bards deliver. They come in different colours, too.

Rod of planting: When stuck into the ground, this Rod instantly grows roots several feet down. Then branches and leaves pop out. The Rod will thereafter act like any other small tree.

[MadBear]

Solar Powered Lamp- This magical lamp functions perfectly when in sunlight. When in dim/dark areas, the light ceases to function.

[Mrmox42]

Solar Powered Lamp- This magical lamp functions perfectly when in sunlight. When in dim/dark areas, the light ceases to function.

I have one of those in my garden :smallsmile:

Carpet of Instant Orchestra: When this carpet is unfurled and put on the ground, an orchestra will instantly appear on it and start playing. They will do this until the carpet is rolled up again.
There are several types of Carpets of Instant Orchestras:
Carpet of Instant Harp Trio
Carpet of Instant Banjo Band
Carpet of Instant Peruvian Pipe Players
Carpet of Instant Military Brass Band
Carpet of Instant Tuba Quintet
Carpet of Instant Bagpipe Deluxe Band

[Strill]

The Book of Exalted Deeds: A book which lists the most impressive properties and beautiful mansions currently for sale in the kingdom, along with prices and locations.

[JAL_1138]

This actually sounds both heartbreakingly tragic, and potentially the start of an intriguing campaign.

Thanks! I've always had a soft spot for sad little things that suggest a history of some kind. The Trinkets table is loaded with them; it's my favorite part of the PHB.

[Mrmox42]

Mirror of Change Self: When you look in this mirror, and speak the command word, you can cause your reflection in the mirror to change, as if your reflection is affected by a Change Self spell. Nothing happens to you, but your reflection in the mirror, and in that mirror only, is changed.

[Gritmonger]

Mirror of Change Self: When you look in this mirror, and speak the command word, you can cause your reflection in the mirror to change, as if your reflection is affected by a Change Self spell. Nothing happens to you, but your reflection in the mirror, and in that mirror only, is changed.

Mirror of Mirroring: Upon looking in this mirror, you instead are mirrored, swapping all of your handedness and symmetry as if you were the mirror image instead. This effect can be reversed by you casting "Mirror Image" on the mirror.

[Rad Mage]

I found this one in my copy of the Encyclopedia Magica:

Arrow of Sleighing

"When this powerful item is drawnin a bow, in a combat situation, it immediately expands and unfolds into a full-size, four-place toboggan."

[bloodshed343]

Wand of Wands.

This wand contains one charge. After the charge is used, the wand becomes an ordinary, mundane piece of wood. When touched to a mundane piece of wood of sufficient size, the charge is expended, and the wood becomes a Wand of Wands.

Charm of Mending:

When this small clay disk is broken, and the command word is uttered, it casts Mending. On itself.

Potion of Potions:

When this potion is mixed with another potion, both become a Potion of Potions.

Bag of Bags:

Whenever a bag is placed in this bag, it becomes a Bag of Bags.

[Mrmox42]

Arrow of Sleighing

"When this powerful item is drawnin a bow, in a combat situation, it immediately expands and unfolds into a full-size, four-place toboggan."

Now THIS is an item that is sure to cause confusion, the first time it is used :smallsmile:

[BootStrapTommy]

I think it means that the potion itself can be resurrected.

I very much plan to give my party a Duck of Many Things now too. Some of them are worded to see who's paying attention. But yes, the Potion of True Resurrection is intended to true resurrect potions, not people.

The Magic Stone is my favorite gag to use against a party deep in a dungeon. And the Stone of Jordan has hilarious implications in game. As does the Duck of Many Things.

[EvanescentHero]

Some of them are worded to see who's paying attention. But yes, the Potion of True Resurrection is intended to true resurrect potions, not people.

The Magic Stone is my favorite gag to use against a party deep in a dungeon. And the Stone of Jordan has hilarious implications in game. As does the Duck of Many Things.

I'll probably toss the Magic Stone at my party sometime, but the Stone of Jordan seems too mean. I'm all for cursed items, but...there is a line, and in this case the line is made of horrible duplicating rings.

[eastmabl]

Murlynd's Magic Jar of Mayonaisse

[MadBear]

Cannon of Canon: A cannon that when loaded with a piece of literature and fired at a church immediately causes whatever is in the literature to become part of the canon of that religion.


That's not mostly useless at all. that's just amazing. I can see a character or villain reeking havok with this item.

PC: Bow down and worship me, your living god
Priest: Pfft go away you nutter

Fires cannon with a piece of paper that says said PC is the churches living God

PC: I said BOW!!!!!
Priest: I'm sorry oh mighty one. Unfortunately, I worship a cannibal god, and we eat the vessels of our living God. (Starts eating said player)

PC: DRATTSS!!!!! WHY DIDN'T I BOTHER LEARNING ABOUT THEIR RELIGION SOon.....ARG (dies)
DM: Muahahaha, you'll never win in my campaign.

[JAL_1138]

Wand of Wands.

This wand contains one charge. After the charge is used, the wand becomes an ordinary, mundane piece of wood. When touched to a mundane piece of wood of sufficient size, the charge is expended, and the wood becomes a Wand of Wands.

Charm of Mending:

When this small clay disk is broken, and the command word is uttered, it casts Mending. On itself.

Potion of Potions:

When this potion is mixed with another potion, both become a Potion of Potions.

Bag of Bags:

Whenever a bag is placed in this bag, it becomes a Bag of Bags.

Pour a potion of potions in the alchemist's/Artificer's lab's main water source. They can now no longer brew any potions but Potions of Potions.

This thing is an Ice-9 scenario for alchemy waiting to happen.

[Mrmox42]

Dagger of Wind Direction: When held, and the command word is spoken, this dagger will point in the direction of the wind.

[Beleriphon]

I have one of those in my garden :smallsmile:

Carpet of Instant Orchestra: When this carpet is unfurled and put on the ground, an orchestra will instantly appear on it and start playing. They will do this until the carpet is rolled up again.
There are several types of Carpets of Instant Orchestras:
Carpet of Instant Harp Trio
Carpet of Instant Banjo Band
Carpet of Instant Peruvian Pipe Players
Carpet of Instant Military Brass Band
Carpet of Instant Tuba Quintet
Carpet of Instant Bagpipe Deluxe Band

Are the Bagpipers dwarves? They have to be dwarves. The banjo band must be two halflings that can of course only play Dueling Banjos.

[Anderlith]

The Dueling Chicken

This weapon always appears to be of an ornate & elaborate design, to configure to the current culture's views on dueling, even going so far as to be a pair of leather cloves with studs. One consistency is that the design never changes from that of a fighting **** (chicken) When first worn/wielded the weapon disappears into an extradimentional space, to be pulled out when the command word is spoken. This item is cursed though & has a random chance that the wielder instead pulls out a harmless rubber chicken. You may make up whatever percentage chance you'd like to adjust to the levity of your game, don't let me tell you how to play

[EvanescentHero]

The Dueling Chicken

Holy crap, I love this so much.

[Mrmox42]

Thingy of Random Weaponry: (also known as the Swiss Army Thingy) This unshapely thing (made of metal and wood Things - about the size of a Wand) can change shape and turn into a random weapon on the push of a button.
When the button is pushed, roll a D20. The Thingy turns into one of the following weapons:

1 - A normal Longsword
2 - A Longsword +1
3 - A normal Shortsword
4 - A Shortsword +1
5 - A normal Rapier
6 - A Rapier +1
7 - A normal Longbow
8 - A normal Sling
9 - A normal Spear
10 - A normal Dagger
11 - A Dagger +1
12 - A normal Quarterstaff
13 - A normal Catapult
14 - A normal Trebuchet
15 - A normal Whip
16 - A Whip +1
17 - A normal Greataxe
18 - A Greataxe +1
19 - A normal Greatsword
20 - A Greatsword +1

The Thingy changes shape and functions as the weapon type for 2D6 rounds. It then reverts to it's Thingy shape Again, and is inert for 2D6 rounds. The button can then be pushed again.

[kaoskonfety]

Water Clock of Absolute Time - A standard sized and weight water (very large, very heavy) clock that keeps perfect time relative to its native prime material plane. Must be full of water from it native prime plane to operate.

[JAL_1138]

Water Clock of Absolute Time - A standard sized and weight water (very large, very heavy) clock that keeps perfect time relative to its native prime material plane. Must be full of water from it native prime plane to operate.

I could see a bunch of these in Sigil next to known gates to various Prime worlds, like how you used to see big clock pillars or walls with three dozen faces at railroad stations.

[Cazero]

Tiara of sound detection
While worn, this tiara vibrates when any audible sound reaches the wearer. The tiara vibration generate an audible buzz, wich creates an unfortunate feedback loop. It is also incredibly painful and usualy prevents hearing the initial triggering sound.

[Kurald Galain]

Thingy of Random Weaponry: (also known as the Swiss Army Thingy) This unshapely thing (made of metal and wood Things - about the size of a Wand) can change shape and turn into a random weapon on the push of a button.
When the button is pushed, roll a D20. The weapon turns into one of the following weapons:

Needs moar Glaive-Guisarme-Voulge :smalltongue:

[Mrmox42]

Needs moar Glaive-Guisarme-Voulge

That would be the Thingy of Assorted Polearms.

[JAL_1138]

Needs moar Glaive-Guisarme-Voulge :smalltongue:


That would be the Thingy of Assorted Polearms.

Glaive, glaive-guisarme, voulge, guisarme-voulge, bill, bill-guisarme, ranseur, spetum, partisan, fauchard, hook fauchard, fauchard-fork, military fork, bardiche, awl pike, halberd, lucern hammer, bec de corbin, spear, long spear, trident, light/jousting/medium/heavy lance, mancatcher.

Bohemian earspoon.

[EvanescentHero]

Wand of Fireball. This golden-brown wooden wand has intricate red carvings of flame curling up its length. It has three charges which replenish daily at dusk. Expending a charge causes 375 ml of cinnamon whisky to leak out of the wand's tip. Expending two charges causes 750 ml of whisky to appear, and using all three charges summons 1.75 liters. Every time all three charges are used, there is a five percent chance that the wand creates an actual fireball, as per the spell, centered on the user.

[Mrmox42]

Right...

Thingy of Assorted Polearms: (also known as the Polearm Emporium Thingy) This unshapely thing (made of metal and wood Things - about the size of a Wand) can change shape and turn into a random polearm on the push of a button.
When the button is pushed, roll a D20. The Thingy turns into one of the following polearms:

1 - Glaive or Glaive-guisarme (roll 1D2 for type)
2 - Voulge
3 - Guisarme-voulge
4 - Spetum
5 - Bill or Bill-guisarme (roll 1D2 for type)
6 - Partisan
7 - Ranseur
8 - Military fork
9 - Morning Star
10 - Fauchard, Hook fauchard or Fauchard-fork (roll 1D3 for type)
11 - Lucern hammer
12 - Halberd
13 - Bec de corbin
14 - Bardiche
15 - Awl pike
16 - Trident
17 - Mancatcher
18 - Spear or Long spear (roll 1D2 for type)
19 - Lance (roll 1D4 for a Light/Jousting/Medium/Heavy Lance)
20 - Greatclub

The Thingy changes shape and functions as the polearm type for 2D6 rounds. It then reverts to it's Thingy shape Again, and is inert for 2D6 rounds. The button can then be pushed again.

So there.

[bloodshed343]

Right...

Thingy of Assorted Polearms: (also known as the Polearm Emporium Thingy) This unshapely thing (made of metal and wood Things - about the size of a Wand) can change shape and turn into a random polearm on the push of a button.
When the button is pushed, roll a D20. The Thingy turns into one of the following polearms:

1 - Glaive or Glaive-guisarme (roll 1D2 for type)
2 - Voulge
3 - Guisarme-voulge
4 - Spetum
5 - Bill or Bill-guisarme (roll 1D2 for type)
6 - Partisan
7 - Ranseur
8 - Military fork
9 - Morning Star
10 - Fauchard, Hook fauchard or Fauchard-fork (roll 1D3 for type)
11 - Lucern hammer
12 - Halberd
13 - Bec de corbin
14 - Bardiche
15 - Awl pike
16 - Trident
17 - Mancatcher
18 - Spear or Long spear (roll 1D2 for type)
19 - Lance (roll 1D4 for a Light/Jousting/Medium/Heavy Lance)
20 - Greatclub

The Thingy changes shape and functions as the polearm type for 2D6 rounds. It then reverts to it's Thingy shape Again, and is inert for 2D6 rounds. The button can then be pushed again.

So there.

Needs more rhomphaia.

[JAL_1138]

Needs more rhomphaia.

+1.

Also more Goedendag and Bohemian earspoon

[bloodshed343]

Mobile Stones:

These pocket-sized stones are incredibly interesting for some reason, and they compel their owners to ignore the world around them for long stretches of time to stare at the stones.

Yew Tubes:

For some inexplicable reason, anyone who looks through these hollow tubes of yew wood has visions of cats doing various humorous or adorable things.

[JAL_1138]

Yew Tubes:

For some inexplicable reason, anyone who looks through these hollow tubes of yew wood has visions of cats doing various humorous or adorable things.

While regarded as an amusing distraction today, in ancient times these were torture devices used to terrify low-level wizards and commoners.

[Mrmox42]

Bohemian earspoon

Ah yes, the Bohemian Earspoon. I always forget the Bohemian Earspoon. If only I had a penny for every time I forgot to put the Bohemian Earspoon into a list of random weaponry.

[JAL_1138]

Ah yes, the Bohemian Earspoon. I always forget the Bohemian Earspoon. If only I had a penny for every time I forgot to put the Bohemian Earspoon into a list of random weaponry.

Despite the name, the weapon itself isn't very amusing. A broad spearhead with a couple of piercing spikes or small cutting edges underneath it to either side, mounted on a heavy spearhaft (sometimes further reinforced with langets), broadly similar to a ranseur or later-design partisan. Sort of a cross between a partisan and a lugged spear with sharpened lugs. Looked mean as heck.

[bloodshed343]

While regarded as an amusing distraction today, in ancient times these were torture devices used to terrify low-level wizards and commoners.

I laughed harder than I should.

[Mrmox42]

Despite the name, the weapon itself isn't very amusing

True, it's a mean tool. I wonder where the 'ear spoon' comes from? I mean, did they train combat moves that centeret around peoples ears?

[JAL_1138]

True, it's a mean tool. I wonder where the 'ear spoon' comes from? I mean, did they train combat moves that centeret around peoples ears?

"Humorous" euphemisms were a thing, as with the "Swedish drink" (an unbelievably foul torture method with an innocuous name)...an ear spoon is a small tool for cleaning earwax (still used in some places; you can buy them on Amazon), so it was a "Bohemian earspoon" in the exact same way that some gigantic American knives are "Arkansas toothpicks."

[Mrmox42]

an ear spoon is a small tool for cleaning earwax

Good Lord, my wife has one of these (she's from Nepal. They use them a lot there). I never saw the connection. :smallsmile:

[Mrmox42]

an ear spoon is a small tool for cleaning earwax

Good Lord, my wife has one of these (she's from Nepal. They use them a lot there). I never saw the connection. :smallsmile:

Bohemian Earspoon of Bodily Cleansing: When the proper command Word is spoken, this +1 polearm can be used to clean yourself of all filth and dirt. Even the tiniest bodily crevices (such as an ear) can be cleaned with this mighty, yet gentle, piece of weaponry.

One session of bodily cleansing takes a Short Rest and leaves your body perfectly clean.

(Pardon the double message. My Internet was acting up)

[pseudodragon]

Ring of T wishes - gaudy gold pinky ring, appears to be a ring of wishes, when activated, regardless of what is requested, summons Mr. T who declares he pities the fool who took his ring, beats the wearer senseless, takes back his ring and is picked up by several heavy armed ex-military goons in a cube van. They drive of into the sunset to iconic theme music. Attempts to prevent this effect result in the interference of the persons from the cube van in an escalating nature based on the strength of the opposition (small arms fire, assault rifle fire, rocket launcher fire, attack helicopter, tanks and so on).


Vest of Mr. Rogers - The vest Mr. Rogers wore, the primary effect of the item is that those who see it understand the social context of the item, regardless of setting. As a secondary effect anyone wearing it of a good alignment who is at risk of committing an evil (or just being crass) act gets to be reminded they are wearing Mr. Rogers vest, would he approve? Paladins of good alignment are then asked "Are you sure?". Any sensation of distant disappointment in you choosing to be a jerk anyway is a coincidence.

the ring- great idea!

the vest- that would actually be useful for some players i know...

to contribute:
ring of cantrip:
once per day, the wearer can cast the spell cantrip.

[JAL_1138]

th
to contribute:
ring of cantrip:
once per day, the wearer can cast the spell cantrip.

Hey, at low level, that thing frees up a spell slot for Sleep or Color Spray and still lets you have Cantrip ready for the occasional bit of chicanery. Any of my 2e wizards or bards would've wanted one.

*Schrödinger's barrel of monkeys: Appears to be an ordinary shipping-barrel. Contains either 10 live monkeys or 10 dead monkeys, determined only when opened (roll 1d2: 1 = dead, 2 = live). If live, the monkeys are very angry and will attack any creatures in the vicinity, as well as doing any property damage they can.

[kaoskonfety]

the vest- that would actually be useful for some players i know...



The main points being: the majority of players it "might help"? ya... they gonna do it anyway.

[JAL_1138]

The main points being: the majority of players it "might help"? ya... they gonna do it anyway.

Still useful for paladins as a buffer against falling solely because the DM has a different opinion of alignments.

[Mrmox42]

Glasses of Insect Recognition: Allows the user to instantly recognise the species and gender of any insectoid that he can see.

Swatter of Destruction: Works as a +1 Improvised Weapon, unless wielded against an insect (Normal, Giant, Thri-Kreen or otherwise). When used on insects the Swatter becomes a +3 Improvised Weapon that Stuns the target hit, unless it makes a DC 20 Toughness Save. If a Natural 20 is rolled (a 'Squash') the Swatter causes quadruple damage.

[Gritmonger]

Hey, at low level, that thing frees up a spell slot for Sleep or Color Spray and still lets you have Cantrip ready for the occasional bit of chicanery. Any of my 2e wizards or bards would've wanted one.

*Schrödinger's barrel of monkeys: Appears to be an ordinary shipping-barrel. Contains either 10 live monkeys or 10 dead monkeys, determined only when opened (roll 1d2: 1 = dead, 2 = live). If live, the monkeys are very angry and will attack any creatures in the vicinity, as well as doing any property damage they can.

If dead, monkey stew!

[Orbis Orboros]

Plus One Dagger

This functions as a normal dagger with no modifications to attack or damage rules. While attuned, however, it allows the bearer to bring another individual to parties for which they only received one invitation, as if they had received an invitation for the second individual as well.

[Mrmox42]

Dwarven Pickaxe of Artistic Stonemasonry: This ordinary looking Pickaxe gives the user a +2 on skill checks concerning attempts to cut out artfull stonework, such as statues. However, the user of this item will have to make a DC 15 Will Save to make the statue look like anything other than a grumpy dwarf.

Edit: Edited Pitchfork to Pickaxe. D'oh!

[JAL_1138]

Dwarven Pitchfork of Artistic Stonemasonry: This ordinary looking Pitchfork gives the user a +2 on skill checks concerning attempts to cut out artfull stonework, such as statues. However, the user of this item will have to make a DC 15 Will Save to make the statue look like anything other than a grumpy dwarf.

This is a granite statue. All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. It menaces with spikes of granite.

EDIT: "Grumpy dwarf" is redundant, like "ATM machine," "PIN number," or "murderhobo adventurer."

[Mrmox42]

Dagger of Antivenom: When somebody afflicted with the Poisoned Condition take a Critical Hit from the Dagger of Antivenom, the Poisoned Condition is automatically removed.

[goto124]

'Quick, we must save the prince! He's been poisoned! Wait, what are you-

*STAB*

'What did you do that for?!'
'Let go of me, I helped him!'
'...huh, I feel better!'
'...okay...'

[Beleriphon]

Despite the name, the weapon itself isn't very amusing. A broad spearhead with a couple of piercing spikes or small cutting edges underneath it to either side, mounted on a heavy spearhaft (sometimes further reinforced with langets), broadly similar to a ranseur or later-design partisan. Sort of a cross between a partisan and a lugged spear with sharpened lugs. Looked mean as heck.

http://www.manningimperial.com/catalogue/arms/polearms/bohemian-ear-spoon/586

No kidding.

[JAL_1138]

http://www.manningimperial.com/catalogue/arms/polearms/bohemian-ear-spoon/586

No kidding.

Great find!

Doesn't seem so silly anymore, does it?

Edit: A few historical examples: http://www.vikingsword.com/vb/attachment.php?attachmentid=64852&stc=1 (although the one on the far left is more reminiscent of a lugged spear since the lugs don't seem to be intended for piercing or cutting. The center one is almost the exact same weapon as the Manning Imperial one, with the addition of reinforcing langets)

[Mrmox42]

Wouldn't like that in your ear, eh?

Good find.

[Joe the Rat]

Right...

Thingy of Assorted Polearms: (also known as the Polearm Emporium Thingy)

Our version was a proper Swiss Army Polearm, including the saw attachment for the bill hook (for trimming treelimbs), the tweezers, and the scale remover. The last one is real nasty against dragons.

[Dimers]

Sword of Manslaying: When this sword is drawn from its sheath, it cannot be resheathed, dropped, or otherwise released until it has been used to kill a male humanoid. Until it has done so, this sword acts as a +3 weapon against all male opponents, but confers no bonus against female or sexless creatures. Once it has killed a male humanoid, it confers no bonus at all until returned to its sheath. Additionally, if it has been drawn and has not yet killed a male humanoid, and its wielder can see a male humanoid (other than the wielder, if applicable), it attempts to make its wielder attack and can only be restrained with a DC 25 STR save, repeated every round.

With a curse that has been known to use such varied effects as Suggestion and Earthquake to return it to its owner if separated, and a limitation that it can only slay a limited total number of male humanoids before the next unsheathing causes its (former) owner to become its target. Yep, good concept for a book magic item. EDIT: Though I preferred With A Single Spell.

[JAL_1138]

Tangent: as I said earlier, the Bohemian Earspoon is named exactly the same way as the Arkansas Toothpick, so I thought I'd provide a couple examples of the Toothpick.

First up, from Cold Steel. "Natchez" model Bowie on top, Arkansas Toothpick below.
http://www.metaltemple.us/home/posts/n-a.jpg

Next up, a historical example. http://www.regtqm.com/v/vspfiles/assets/images/ori%20arkansas%20toothpick.jpg

[Mrmox42]

Mechanical Caltrops: Small wind-up spiky contraptions, that move about and seek to go under peoples feet. Works like normal Caltrops, but people need to make a DC 15 Dex Save to avoid stepping on the moving things.
You must use an action to wind up one Mechanical Caltrop, and it then moves for 1D6 rounds before you need to wind it up again.
Note that it will seek to move under any feet within 30 feet.

[Ceder]

[Medallion of Dramatically Appropriate Music] - Music appropriate for the actions of the wearer and individuals in their immediate line of sight. Please note this can be especially lethal for any stealthers

[Joe the Rat]

[Medallion of Dramatically Appropriate Music] - Music appropriate for the actions of the wearer and individuals in their immediate line of sight. Please note this can be especially lethal for any stealthers
:elan: Dun DUN DUNNNNNN!

[jkat718]

[Medallion of Dramatically Appropriate Music] - Music appropriate for the actions of the wearer and individuals in their immediate line of sight. Please note this can be especially lethal for any stealthers

I feel that this item would be better suited to be either a) a musical instrument of some sort, b) earmuffs/pseudo-headphones, or c) a parrot. Imagine it, a parrot that sits on your shoulder and sings your theme song for you! :smallbiggrin:

http://a.dilcdn.com/bl/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2013/08/emperors-new-groove-kronks-theme-song.jpg

[Orbis Orboros]

I feel that this item would be better suited to be either a) a musical instrument of some sort, b) earmuffs/pseudo-headphones, or c) a parrot. Imagine it, a parrot that sits on your shoulder and sings your theme song for you! :smallbiggrin:

http://a.dilcdn.com/bl/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2013/08/emperors-new-groove-kronks-theme-song.jpg

I now want to make a "Theme-Song Guy" character.

http://media.tumblr.com/9f9772f8e969ec7e0f4a5dd08b3f433f/tumblr_inline_mt6z272hL91rjj1oj.gif

[Mrmox42]

Stone of Sinking: When put into liquid, this magical Stone will always, always sink to the bottom.
Bonus: If put into the air, the stone will fall towards the greatest force of gravity near to it.

[EvanescentHero]

Stone of Sinking: When put into liquid, this magical Stone will always, always sink to the bottom.
Bonus: If put into the air, the stone will fall towards the greatest force of gravity near to it.

Witchcraft.

[JAL_1138]

Witchcraft.

Liquids denser than water, such as mercury could see some use for this. (Also, not all rocks sink--pumice floats). Also useful for determining which way is "up" in the Plane of Water or a mundane shipwreck or reef (disorientation about that kills a lot of divers), or for finding land in the Plane of Air, or when flying through clouds. Essentially, world's greatest plumb-bob.

[Mrmox42]

Rocking Chair of Weather Sense: When sat in, this Rocking Chair gives the sitter the ability to feel what the weather will be like within the next 8 hours. This is determined by a feeling in the sitter's knee:

Weather: Knee Feeling:

Rain - Aching

Snow - "A happy sensation"

Heavy Winds - Tickling

No Winds - Buzzing

Storm - Stabbing pain

Earthquake - Twitchy

Cloudy - "A dry feeling"

Hail - Numb

Slight Breeze - Dull Thumping

[Mrmox42]

Statue of Doorbreaking: A beautiful statue of solid and surprisingly sturdy marble, that has been shaped into the likeness of a scantily clad Nymph. The statue is 4 feet long and weighs about 500 pounds. When used as a Ram, it grants advantage on attempts to break open doors.

[JAL_1138]

Ring of Wizardry: When used, provides one mint-condition copy of Wizardry: Proving Grounds of the Mad Overlord for either Apple ][ or DOS (player's choice).

[Mrmox42]

Socks of Slipperyness: When worn these magical socks grants the wearer the ability to slide across the surface of ice with considerable speed. The wearer adds +10 to his speed, while on ice and no other footwear is worn. The Socks keep the wearer's feet warm, as well.

[Wartex1]

Statue of Irresistible Fondling: Appearing identical to the Statue of Doorbreaking, this cursed item causes anyone who picks up the statue to start groping it indecently until the subject passes out from exhaustion.

[russdm]

Ring of Married Doom: Once worn, this ring causes 3 events to occur after which it disappears. The ring looks like any valuable magical ring, but has a pair of joined rings depicted rather in small size on it. The Ring's effects can not be undone except through 3 acts of divine intervention.

Event 1) The wearer immediately becomes married to the closest person and gains d6 kids of ages d3+2 with following details: roll d4; on a 1 child is father's (wearer's) race/species, on a 2 child is mother's (partner's) race/species, on a 3 child is mix of both unless both human then human, on a 4 roll another d4, 1-Dragon (roll randomly for kind), 2-Half-Dragon (roll randomly for kind), 3-Half-Elemental (rolled randomly), 4-Cat

Event 2) The wearer immediately gains either a town house or a castle, requiring an upkeep of 2000 gps per month. The Wearer must pay for any food or furnishings to make the structure habitable. This structure appears in the nearest town or city if house, or in a somewhat dangerous location with at least two sources of income (DM's decision) if castle. Wearer must continue to pay upkeep or pay fines.

Event 3) The ring produces a pair of gold rings that appear on both partners fingers, they do not count as magical rings for number allowed and each ring allows for telepathy within 30 feet and for each partner to know the status of the other within 50 feet.

Fur Bikini of Lust: This female only fur lined bikini increases the desires of anyone looking at the wearer. If wearer not female, they change to become so. Item's effects irreversible while wore, while fur bikini can only be removed via a miracle. Refurbished.

Wand of Power: This simple wooden wand allows the user to successfully complete one goal or quest immediately and receive any treasure thereby gained. Wand is usable only once per day. If Wand is used, roll d4 and apply effect: 1) Wand user becomes pregnant even if impossible; 2) Wand user gains the complete desire of a deity rolled randomly, deity treats wand user in a Tsundere fashion with d2 chance of being either 1 Tsun-Tsun or 2 Dere-Dere each day, continues until Wand user dies, if already in effect roll for different diety; 3) Wand user becomes engaged to the closest King; 4) Wand user becomes pregnant and magically gains clone of the opposite gender who is also pregnant, both happen even if impossible. All effects are applied even if already applied previously and Resolve each affect as was applied in order, including any required time needed.

Panties of Protection +5: These panties decorated with bits of armor provide protection as long as panties can be seen by others.

Nightgown of Sneaky: This nightgown provides a +10 bonus and advantage on sneaking as long as it is the only object worn.

Trench Coat of Heroism: This trench coat is either black or brown and can hold any number of objects that can be held only in one hand. The trench coat also provides 3d10 gold per hour per day, though the coins disappear after 15 minutes. The Trench coat is self-cleaning and billows out whenever the wearer is doing anything heroic.

Cat Ring: This ring turns you into a cat while worn. Also improves attitudes towards you from other cats

Demon Ring: This ring summons a demon that puts on a play written by Shakespear.

Dragon Ring: This ring summons a dragon who reads you your Miranda rights.

Dragon bracers: These bracers make you desirable to nearby dragons who lust after you.

[GorinichSerpant]

Ring of Married Doom: Once worn, this ring causes 3 events to occur after which it disappears. The ring looks like any valuable magical ring, but has a pair of joined rings depicted rather in small size on it. The Ring's effects can not be undone except through 3 acts of divine intervention.

Event 1) The wearer immediately becomes married to the closest person and gains d6 kids of ages d3+2 with following details: roll d4; on a 1 child is father's (wearer's) race/species, on a 2 child is mother's (partner's) race/species, on a 3 child is mix of both unless both human then human, on a 4 roll another d4, 1-Dragon (roll randomly for kind), 2-Half-Dragon (roll randomly for kind), 3-Half-Elemental (rolled randomly), 4-Cat

Event 2) The wearer immediately gains either a town house or a castle, requiring an upkeep of 2000 gps per month. The Wearer must pay for any food or furnishings to make the structure habitable. This structure appears in the nearest town or city if house, or in a somewhat dangerous location with at least two sources of income (DM's decision) if castle. Wearer must continue to pay upkeep or pay fines.

Event 3) The ring produces a pair of gold rings that appear on both partners fingers, they do not count as magical rings for number allowed and each ring allows for telepathy within 30 feet and for each partner to know the status of the other within 50 feet.

Fur Bikini of Lust: This female only fur lined bikini increases the desires of anyone looking at the wearer. If wearer not female, they change to become so. Item's effects irreversible while wore, while fur bikini can only be removed via a miracle. Refurbished.

Wand of Power: This simple wooden wand allows the user to successfully complete one goal or quest immediately and receive any treasure thereby gained. Wand is usable only once per day. If Wand is used, roll d4 and apply effect: 1) Wand user becomes pregnant even if impossible; 2) Wand user gains the complete desire of a deity rolled randomly, deity treats wand user in a Tsundere fashion with d2 chance of being either 1 Tsun-Tsun or 2 Dere-Dere each day, continues until Wand user dies, if already in effect roll for different diety; 3) Wand user becomes engaged to the closest King; 4) Wand user becomes pregnant and magically gains clone of the opposite gender who is also pregnant, both happen even if impossible. All effects are applied even if already applied previously and Resolve each affect as was applied in order, including any required time needed.

Panties of Protection +5: These panties decorated with bits of armor provide protection as long as panties can be seen by others.

Nightgown of Sneaky: This nightgown provides a +10 bonus and advantage on sneaking as long as it is the only object worn.

Dragon bracers: These bracers make you desirable to nearby dragons who lust after you.
I feel that these were all made by the same wizard.

[goto124]

Looking at the lack of items to make attractive males, I'm guessing the wizard is a straight man.

To be fair, no one said the panties and nightgown have to be worn by a female.

[Mrmox42]

Statue of Irresistible Fondling: Appearing identical to the Statue of Doorbreaking, this cursed item causes anyone who picks up the statue to start groping it indecently until the subject passes out from exhaustion.

This one had me laughing :smalltongue:


Trench Coat of Heroism

This is actually kind of cool. I like this item.

[goto124]

Statue of Irresistible Fondling: Appearing identical to the Statue of Doorbreaking, this cursed item causes anyone who picks up the statue to start groping it indecently until the subject passes out from exhaustion.

Is there a way to change the target of the excessive touching?

[Mrmox42]

Is there a way to change the target of the excessive touching?

Perhaps a very hard Will Save?