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Jibar
2007-04-09, 06:26 AM
This is it, the all purpose guide to everybody's favorite baked good.
If you have any questions, concerns, disgusts, please voice them!



Overview

Cat-Muffins (or feline-tastimaximus), are the only known species of mammalian-confectionarious. Though a little known create it has left its mark in many ways across the multiverse. What follows is the written findings of the only cat-muffin that has chosen to appear, one Jibar, and a collection of scientific reports found in the Drury Lane home of an individual known only as “The Muffin Man”.

Appearance

A Cat-Muffin is roughly three inches in height, though smaller and larger specimens have been recorded, including the ancient feline-tastiwoahnellymus from prehistoric times, a creature believed to have been larger than a mammoth and capable of taking down many dinosaurs. Indeed, the only remains found thus far of a feline-tastiwoahnellymus was inside a cave in South America, where archaeologists later found the remains of no less than a hundred dinosaurs of varying types.
The outward appearance of a Cat-Muffin depends on its breed, or “flavour”. The flavour of a cat-muffin differs almost as much as a human, which flavours such as mint ice cream, poop, and human flesh having been recorded by The Muffin Man. However, the most common flavour has been chocolate, or more specifically, double chocolate with chocolate chips. This however, is based only upon the Cat-Muffin Jibar and The Muffin Man; it is entirely possible that cheese or some other flavour may have been the most common type.
Every Cat-Muffin though is made of a bread-like substance that forms the main body, which houses all the necessary apparatus for the Cat-Muffin to live. Two small ears, similar to those found on a common house cat are located on top of this bread like structure, and a small tail, no longer than three inches snakes away from the “back” of the creature.
Cat-Muffins do not wear clothes as humans do. Instead, they have a “wrapper” that wraps around their base, ending shortly beneath the tail. These wrappers vary in colour, shape, size and texture just as clothes do, however most are translucent and so take on the colouring of the Cat-Muffin in some fashion.

Anatomy

While most other creatures bear a sleight resemblance to humans in terms of their insides (usually very gooey), anatomical structure and such like, a Cat-Muffin is instead entirely different. In place of blood, veins, and organs, the inside of the cat-muffin is made of small interconnecting pockets of air that make the Cat-muffin essentially porous, and excellent at floating.
At the heart of the Cat-Muffin is the sauce. This sauce ranges depending on the flavour of a Cat-muffin, but most sauces are chocolate in nature. This sauce contains everything a cat-muffin needs to operate. It performs all the thinking for a cat-muffin, spreads out through the air chambers to repair wounds, and contains the soul of a Cat-Muffin. If the sauce is removed from a Cat-Muffin, it dies instantly. The sauce may be replaced, bringing the Cat-Muffin back to life, or a new sauce may be implemented, animating the body, yet the personality and knowledge of the previous owner is lost.
The outward exterior of a Cat-Muffin gives though hint towards gender, it is the sauce that contains this information. Male sauce tends to be more gooey, while female sauce is more of a liquid. Cat-Muffins can instincively tell the gender of another Cat-Muffin, while humans must guess from the information the Cat-Muffin gives.
When a Cat-Muffin eats, the broken down food is sent to the sauce, where it is broken down, and the atoms of the food are changed, electrons and protons switched, until eventually more sauce is created to replace any sauce that has been lost. If more sauce is not required, the food is converted into a smell-less gas, and released into the atmosphere. Some scientists predict that a rising cat-muffin population might have first triggered Global Warming.
The sauce also grants the cat-muffin limited psychic powers, to replace the hands and feet that they lack. These powers allow them to perform all the motor functions of an average human, such as lifting objects, movement, punching people. However, excessive use tires a Cat-Muffin out, and so many choose to reserve these powers until they truly need them. It is through these powers that a Cat-Muffin eats, breaking the food up into pieces small enough to use the tiny entrances to the air spaces located on the Cat-Muffin exterior.
It is unknown what happens to creatures when they consume the sauce. Currently, only one attempt to devour a Cat-Muffin has been recorded, and the dog in question died. This may have been because the Cat-Muffin was Anthrax flavoured though. Some scientists speculate that eating the sauce would make the human take on limited Cat-Muffin aspects, such as gaining a slight taste, and limited psychic powers. Many scientists dismiss these claims though, as the species is technically labelled “Extinct”.

Society

Cat Muffins are very territorial creatures. They feel the need to stake out what land is theirs with whatever they may find. Seemingly random laid sticks out in the middle of a forest may be a Cat-Muffins territory. Recently discovered stone carvings near Stonehenge suggest the great monument was once the territory of a particularly fierce and large Cat-Muffin that went by the name of “Draegon.” The stone carving depicts the Cat-Muffin breathing fire, causing speculation of a Chilli-flavoured Cat-Muffin crossing the Atlantic.
Because of this deep rooted need, Cat-Muffin villages are non-existent, though many territories may meet each other at a border, and the Cat-Muffins may form a friendship. In Australia, it is believed that with all the space available, many Cat-Muffins instead abandoned their territory edges, and worked with other Cat-Muffins to defend their land.
Indeed, the Australian Cat-Muffins formed the First Alliance with the koalas. The koalas deemed the Cat-Muffins non-eucalyptus, and so left them at peace. In return, the Cat-Muffins helped defend the koalas. Every since, Cat-Muffins and koalas have had strong bonds, and many Cat-Muffins are known to have a koala entourage.
During the rough middle of a season, a Cat-Muffin experiences a mating season of indefinite length. During this time, a Cat-Muffins need for territory rises to an all time high, and they seek out opposite gender mates from any species to mate with. Though they may seek out other species, a Cat-Muffin may only truly mate with another Cat-Muffin. After four mating seasons with the same mate, a new Kitten-Muffin is born. During these seasons, the Cat-Muffins share territory, or construct a new one, and build a den to hide the Kitten-Muffin in.
Cat-Muffin mating has been a perplexing puzzle for professors and scientists alike. While some believe they mate in a head crab method, others believe it has something to do with other baked goods. In truth, a Cat-Muffin mating ritual method takes place in the mind. Cat-Muffins share thoughts with each other, and produce elation equal to a pig-orgasm. During the mating, each Cat-Muffin releases a small amount of their sauce which covers their exterior. These two different sauces then blend together, and take knowledge of the other Cat-Muffin back with them. After four mating seasons, during the final mating session, each Cat-Muffin releases a greater amount of sauce which blends together. Other a period of a month, the sauce hardens, eventually forming the main body. A small amount of sauce is created, which becomes the Kitten-Muffins own sauce. The Kitten-Muffin requires food to build up their sauce, and increase the size of their exteriors. A Kitten-Muffin is roughly an inch tall at birth.

Feral Cat-Muffins

Some Cat-Muffins are born with an irregular amount of sauce, and if the parents do not immediately remedy this by giving up extra sauce, the Cat-Muffin becomes feral. Feral Cat-Muffins have only the basic urge of territory and to eat to complete their sauce. However, the sauce loses the ability to regenerate the Cat-Muffin when it becomes feral, and the life of a feral Cat-Muffin is nothing but unfounded hopes.
Feral Cat-Muffins form territories, and then surprise any intruder. Once the intruder is dead, the feral takes it back to their territory, before slowly devouring the creature. Unfortunately, many intruders are kept alive during this process, and the Cat-Muffin keeps them trapped during the procedure.

Feral Cat-Muffin
Size/Type: Tiny Magical Beast (Psionic)
Hit Dice: 1d10 (5 hp)
Initiative: +2
Speed: 15 ft. (3 squares)
Armor Class: 14 (+2 size, +2 Dex), touch 14, flatfooted 12
Base Attack/Grapple: +1/-9
Attack: Bite +4 melee (1d4-2) or Claw -1 melee (1d3-2)
Full Attack: Bite +4 melee (1d4-2) or Claw -1 melee (1d3-2)
Space/Reach: 2 ½ ft./0 ft.
Special Attacks: Psi-like abilities
Special Qualities: Darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision
Saves: Fort +2, Ref +4, Will +0
Abilities: Str 6, Dex 14, Con 10, Int 12, Wis 10, Cha 12
Skills: Concentration +4, Diplomacy +5, Psicraft +5
Feats: Weapon FinesseB, Psionic Endowment
Environment: Temperate Plains
Organization: Solitary
Challenge Rating: ½
Treasure: None
Alignment: Any
Advancement: By Character Class (Favored Class: Psion)
Level Adjustment: +1

Psi-Like Abilities
3/day–catfall, detect psionics, empty mind; 1/day–far hand, inertial armor, vigor. Manifester level 1st.


The Muffin Man

The Muffin Man is rumoured to be the only scientist in recent times to learn how to create Cat-Muffins. His reports indicate that he created several hundreds of them, and experimented on many of them. What happened to him is unknown, but his Drury Lane home was found burnt down and the reports were all that were saved. What follows are a selection of reports.

September 12th 1992

What extraordinary creatures these are. They appear liked the muffins my wife used to bake before the accident, and yet have the ears and tail of a cat. They seem capable of every act I am capable of, but they are too stupid to do anything. I’ve created a pen downstairs, near the oven, in which I keep them. All they do is move around in their curious fashion, and eat any food I throw them. I may be able to profit from them in some fashion, but first I must know more.

January 30th 1995

The Cat-Muffins still have refused to talk to me. After that first incident, I have no idea what to think now. All I did was ask them their name in play, and one responded. It is unsettling.
I’ve taken to leaving the oven open and turned on, to remind them I control their fate. My forays into creating more though have resulted in a separate kind of Cat-Muffin. When I tried to place one in the pen with the others, they moved away, and when the creature was put down, they leapt and destroyed it. I fear for the rest of my batch, and put them in a nearby pen. The first batch refuses to go near it.

February 5th 1995

My experiment was a success. The Cat-Muffins do indeed have regenerative powers.
At least, the first batch does. The second batch doesn’t for some reason. Half their number is gone now, as they continue to destroy each. The ones that are left no longer move. They stay in one place all day, and turn to face the others. I think I heard them growling the other night.

July 20th 1997

They’ve all gone now, the second batch. Save for one, which sits in the middle of the cage. It openly growls at me and the first batch, undeterred by the oven and my weaponry.
The first batch is acting quite strangely. They take the leftovers I throw them, and arrange them in patters on the pen floor and each Cat-Muffin doesn’t seem to leave an area of the pen.
Though I have tried, my attempts to get one from the first batch to speak have proved unsuccessfully. Now when I ask though, they somehow stare at me.

December 5th 1999

They all stare at me now. Every single one of them. They’re waiting. Waiting for something. I’ve taken everything out of the kitchen, and I keep it here with me.
The last of the second batch, he roars in the night. It’s got even bigger than when it was first born, and I don’t know how. It stands about 6 inches now, double the height of the first batch. When I last tried to touch it, I could feel the skin trying to tear away from my hand.

December 31st 1999

I don’t have much time. They let the second batch escape. The first batch. I went downstairs to check, and the cage had been tipped over, and the first batch was staring at me. I don’t know how they did it, but they released it. I’m leaving, running as fast as I can. I left a match downstairs, on top of the pen, and the gas will turn on in a fifteen minutes. If I escape, I will go see my wife, and then leave London forever.
This is my one chance.

On January 1st, 2000, police and fire crew arrived to find the house burnt down. The only women they had found who could be the mysterious Muffin Man’s wife died a few days before. The police decided the man had been going crazy, and the case was dismissed as suicide.

Jibar’s Notes

Many of the points in here are based on pure speculation, with little to back them up. As the last of my species, the Tigger if you will, what I have compiled here is my belief in how it operates from my experience. If other Cat-Muffins could be found, perhaps we could collaborate, and give you a true history. However, none have been found. I am left here. Alone. The last of an extinct species.
...
Man I'm hungry.



Thanks to The Demented One for the stats.

onasuma
2007-04-29, 07:48 AM
No stats for non-feral cat muffins, or rules for playing them?

Jibar
2007-04-30, 02:46 PM
No stats for non-feral cat muffins, or rules for playing them?

Wow, a reply.

No, sorry, unless you'd like to make a player race of a tiny monster?
Those stats were originally for just a basic Cat-Muffin, but I removed their Delicious Appeal ability to make them feral.
Muffins trying to eat you are not appealing in anyway whatsoever.

Ranis
2007-05-28, 09:44 AM
These are awesome.

Nothing like being owned by a 15th-level barbarian feral cupcake.

"Baked goods shall be your demise!!"

DracoDei
2007-05-28, 02:38 PM
I agree that stats for the more common type of muffin would be good.

lothofkalroth
2008-04-13, 08:07 PM
Nothing would give me grater satisfaction than scoring a nat 20 on a feral cat muffin with my vorpal longsword, while screaming "TOP OF THE MUFFIN TO YE!"

but i might need and endless decanter of milk if i ever got into a full scale battle...