View Full Version : Spreadable, Sprayable, Aerosol Spam

2007-04-11, 11:27 AM
~Spreadable, Sprayable Aerosol SPAM™~
~What the Commercials DON’T Tell You~

~by: Lycanthromancer~
It’s new! It’s improved! It’s the SPAM you can spray! Despite how you vomit, our SPAM’s here to stay!
Roadkill tastes better, but WE won’t say that—and we’ll never tell you it’s made from your cat…
Decayed Soylent Green™ never tasted so grand, the same with the pork guts we put in our SPAM!
Anatomical “surplus” Purina threw out, we grind ‘till its unrecognizeable grout…
We’re cheap to make bastard executives grin—and don’t tell anyone what it is we put in.

Spreadable, Sprayable, Aerosol SPAM™ comes packed pressurized in an aerosol can!
Propelled by the flatulence packed in the “meat,” this stuff is by far way too rancid to eat.
It’s Potted “Meat” Product™, aerosol style! Use it as napalm and shoot it a mile!
Flies ‘cross the room with the press of a button! Liquid kamikaze projectile mutton!
Dangerous, deadly, and vile, repulsive, don’t get it near fire; it’s highly explosive!

Spreadable, Sprayable, Aerosol SPAM™ tastes just like chicken, E-Coli, and lamb!
It’s a “new” product, direct from Hormel; you’ll swear you’re in Heaven (or was that “in Hell”…?)!
Coated with mucus to keep it fresh longer, the taste of our product is now even stronger!
So don’t mind the smell, just hold onto your nose! Stick it in water and watch as it grows!
It glows in the dark, and sits on command! Projectile slime you can shoot from a can!

Forget EZ-Cheese! That stuff is for wimps! New SPAM tested “safe” on both children and chimps!
Only six out of seven were driven psychotic as Sprayable SPAM turned grey matter neurotic!
But ninety-percent of our experts agree that new Sprayable SPAM is safe as can be!
We had the last ten-percent ground into bits, to spray on your sandwich, and garnish your chips.
It’s killed a few folks but don’t fret about that. You should be safe—if you don’t eat the fat…

It’s Potted “Meat” Product™, and tastes like no other. When it approaches, we scream, duck, and cover!
We snub safety laws, we don’t care, so why bother informing the ASPCA that we smother…
The life from Some Pitiful Animal’s Mother!

The things that we tell you are meaningless chatter. We lie so you’ll choose us to spray on your platter.
Tongues, tonsils, noses, knees, colons and bladders are only a fraction of all that we splatter…
For Smelly Propellable Animal Matter!

2007-04-11, 06:10 PM
Bravo! Encore!

Definitly made my evening.

2007-04-11, 06:14 PM
I love that man your my new favorite writer!

2007-04-11, 08:13 PM
LOL! That was my laugh of the day. Bravo! :smallbiggrin:

2007-04-11, 08:30 PM
I need that spam.
*Runs off to graffiti everyone who frequents AMEN's house.

Mc. Lovin'
2007-04-12, 04:47 AM
Wow, well written, how did you come up with that? Amazing

2007-04-12, 08:23 AM

:smallbiggrin: that was great

2007-04-12, 11:46 AM
I feel the need to write something like that now...

2007-04-12, 04:57 PM
Holy hell.

That... Was awesome...

2007-04-12, 05:01 PM
Very nice. So... um... where can I get some? :smallsmile:

2007-04-12, 08:49 PM
Very nice. So... um... where can I get some? :smallsmile:Likely the supermarket.

Seriously, does anyone eat that stuff?

And yes, I wrote that. Some time ago, in fact. I think, about 12 years ago.

It's been making people ill ever since.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-04-12, 10:34 PM
Why the hell was this graffitied on my house?

2007-04-12, 11:36 PM
Folks, just give this a momentary thought...

Pressurized Meat

This needs to happen. This would be the most important Man-vention of the 21st century.

2008-03-19, 12:10 AM
And just to torment a new generation,