Scream from the Grave [Monster]

[Neko]

ok here is my first try at creating an original monster. I made a poll to see what people think of it and if it should be in the MITP. If I wasn't suppose to make the poll, I'm sorry. Just let me know and I'll repost this.

Soul Shrieker
Medium Undead
HD 6d12 +3 (42)
Speed 30 ft. (6 squares)
Init: +3
AC 18 (+4 natural); touch 10; flat-footed 14
BAB +3; Grp +5
Attack Claw +3 (1d6 +2)
Full-Attack Claw +3 (1d6 +2)
Space 5 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks Shriek, Energy Drain, Rattled Soul
Special Qualities Turn Resistance +2, Damage Reduction 5/slashing, Undead Traits
Saves Fort +1 Ref +4 Will +6
Abilities Str 14, Dex 18, Con -, Int 10, Wis 14, Cha 16
Skills Hide +10, Intimidate +11, Listen +11, Move Silently +9, Spot +10
Feats Power Attack, Run, Toughness
Environment Any
Organization Solitary or Gang (2-5)
Challenge Rating 6
Treasure None
Alignment Neutral Evil
Advancement None
Level Adjustment –

A pale-skinned young woman stands in front of you, eyes closed, her erratic hair blowing softly in the wind. About the time you realize that there is no breeze, her eyes open to reveal oil-black orbs and her lower jaw distends more than a foot as she begins to emit a scream.

Soul Shriekers are the undead form of a person, usually a woman who died in some horrific trauma, in great pain and anguish. Soul Shriekers can be found in areas of great trauma but often in grave yards and burial sites. They appear much like a human in size and shape. Soul Shriekers speak common.

Combat

Soul Shriekers attack slashing with their long claws or attempting to affect their opponents with one of their vocal attacks.

Energy Drain (Su): Living creatures hit by a Soul Shrieker’s claw attack gain one negative level. The DC is 14 for the Fortitude save to remove a negative level. The save DC is Charisma based. For each negative level bestowed the Soul Shrieker gets 5 temporary hit points.

Rattled Soul (Su): Once every 1d4+1 rounds a Soul Shrieker can let out a cry that starts out low and slowly rises to a high pitched scream. It is a full round action that affects all within 30 feet of it. All who hear it must make a DC 16 will save or take 1d6 temporary Cha drain.

Shriek (Su): Instead of attacking, a Soul Shrieker can open her distended mouth and let out a terrible shriek. Those within 60 feet (except other Soul Shriekers) who hear the shriek and clearly see it must succeed on a DC 12 Fortitude save or be paralyzed with fear for 2d4 rounds or until the monster attacks them. A creature that successfully saves can not be affected by the same Soul Shriekers shriek for 24 hours. The shriek is a mind-affecting fear effect

[mauslin]

Soul Shriekers are the undead form of a person, usually a woman who died in some horrific trauma, in great pain and anguish. Soul Shriekers can be found in areas of great trauma but often in grave yards and burial sites. They appear much like a human in size and shape. Soul Shriekers speak common.



Umm, I don't know much about balancing, but this bit of fluff seems a bit weak

The 'died in some horrific trauma, in great pain and anguish' is a bit generic. Why would a person rise as a soul shrieker, instead of a ghost?

Hmm, maybe specify that the person has to die feeling that their voice was unheard, like:

-An upcoming opera star who was secretly and brutally murdered by her rival.

-A woman who died screaming soundlessly because her assassin used a silence spell.

-A person born mute who was beaten and abused in life because they couldn't tell anyone about thier plight.

Dying feeling the deperate unfairness of their voice not being heard, the person's force of will returns them to unlife in a form which will force people to listen to their anguish.

That's more interesting IMO. What do you think?

[Lord Iames Osari]

The poll is fine, but you need to submit this to the main MitP thread (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=38986).

[deadfalcon]

It looks ok, but i think it's more like a CR5, but then I have some real power gamers in my party. also I agree that the fluff is abit weak. Another thing, you havent factored the strength into its attack bonus, or if you meant to have it useing power attack you havent added it to the damage.

Not bad for a first try though

[Zherog]

Some feedback - note that I haven't read anybody else's comments, so I might duplicate issues.


Soul Shrieker

Cool name.


AC 18 (+4 natural); touch 10; flat-footed 14

You need to include "+3 Dexterity" in your AC breakdown.


Attack Claw +3 (1d6 +2)
Full-Attack Claw +3 (1d6 +2)

When a critter only has one attack, it's OK to use 1.5 Strength on the damage bonus. You don't have to, of course. But it's an option.


Saves Fort +1 Ref +4 Will +6

A 6 HD undead has base saves of 2/2/5. Add in ability mods of 0/4/2 and your total saves should be 2/8/7.


Skills Hide +10, Intimidate +11, Listen +11, Move Silently +9, Spot +10

You should have 40 skill points (16 at first Hit Die, 4 each additional Hit Die). If we remove ability mods from these skills we get Hide +6, Intimidate +8, Listen +9, Move Silently +5, Spot +8. That's a total of 36 skill points - so you have 4 more to distribute as you'd like.


Feats Power Attack, Run, Toughness

Generally speaking, Power Attack is a poor feat choice for undead, because they're BAB is so sucktastic. In place of Power Attack for this creature, I'd consider Weapon Finesse, since their Dex is higher than their Strength, it'll mean they hit more often in combat.


Treasure None

Why? If they're formed from people who died tragically, isn't it entirely possible those people had things before dying?


Advancement None

Again, why? Why can't there be a tougher version of these somewhere out in the world?


A pale-skinned young woman stands in front of you, eyes closed, her erratic hair blowing softly in the wind. About the time you realize that there is no breeze, her eyes open to reveal oil-black orbs and her lower jaw distends more than a foot as she begins to emit a scream.

Rule of thumb: Don't ever assume player actions or thoughts in flavor text. Trust me - developers and editors generally don't like it. I still have the bruises from when I did this once...



Energy Drain (Su): Living creatures hit by a Soul Shrieker’s claw attack gain one negative level. The DC is 14 for the Fortitude save to remove a negative level. The save DC is Charisma based. For each negative level bestowed the Soul Shrieker gets 5 temporary hit points.

If the DC is Charisma based, then it should be 16. The standard formula is 10 + 1/2 Hit Dice + ability mod. So we have 10 + 3 + 3 = 16.


Rattled Soul (Su): Once every 1d4+1 rounds a Soul Shrieker can let out a cry that starts out low and slowly rises to a high pitched scream. It is a full round action that affects all within 30 feet of it. All who hear it must make a DC 16 will save or take 1d6 temporary Cha drain.

What ability is the DC based upon?


Shriek (Su): Instead of attacking, a Soul Shrieker can open her distended mouth and let out a terrible shriek. Those within 60 feet (except other Soul Shriekers) who hear the shriek and clearly see it must succeed on a DC 12 Fortitude save or be paralyzed with fear for 2d4 rounds or until the monster attacks them. A creature that successfully saves can not be affected by the same Soul Shriekers shriek for 24 hours. The shriek is a mind-affecting fear effect

What ability mod is the DC based upon? I can't figure out any that work out to a DC of 12. Charisma is the most likely. Well, actually, Constitution is the most likely, but since undead don't have a Con score you use Charisma in it's place.

***

These aren't too difficult to defeat. Just stay 60 feet away and blast it with spells or ranged attacks. They have no particular defense against that sort of thing.

I'd consider dropping the CR down to 5. Otherwise, once you fix up the little things, I think you have an interesting creature.

[Matthew]

I would like to see Zherog's concerns addressed.

[Neko]

Sorry for taking so long to reply.... net went down and just checking from anothers comp. As for the things addressed, thanks for the comments. For some such as the DC saves I kinda just copied them from the undead in the monster manuel since I didnt know the formula to deal with them. As for the descriptors and such, I can see your points. Once I get systems up and running again at home, I'll fix it as well as put up a few others I've made recently. Hopefully they will all work out.

Once again thanks for the comments and help on fixing it to be accurate. I know that when I looked it over on my computer a while back I noticed a few problems with it myself.

Addressing one of the issues off the back, the level adjustment part... well I wasn't sure what to put there was the main thing.

[Poppatomus]

Very cool. Good flavor and interesting abilities. Voted yes.

[Matthew]

Just so you know, Zherog's comment about the Skills was a bit off base by the looks of things; he appears to have done that Maths like this:

(4 x 4) + (6 x 4) = 40

However, that should have been:

[9 x (4 + 0)] = 36

...which is how you appear to have calculated things.