PDA

View Full Version : Crappiest Mounts Ever



KoDT69
2007-04-12, 09:39 PM
Belkar's war-weiner-dog sucked bad. What mounts have you guys seen in actual campaigns that just stunk up the game? My current campaign has a dwarven beast rider using a half-dire boar, that's really more like a war-pig... :smalleek:

asqwasqw
2007-04-12, 10:05 PM
I am going to have a camel, does that count? I don't think it is crappy, just different.

Kel_Arath
2007-04-12, 10:15 PM
me... (i was the wizards mount... he was slow and i was fast)

Vaynor
2007-04-12, 10:31 PM
The druid awakened a camel and used it as a mount. I believe it ended up rolling an 18 for intelligence, so we had a new wise-cracking camel party member. The druid later died, gave the camel wizard levels and played as it.
That was a weird campaign.

JaronK
2007-04-12, 10:32 PM
I use a mule in many games. Later, I upgrade it to a War Mule.

However, mules are awesome.

JaronK

Arlanthe
2007-04-13, 02:04 AM
A giant cave lizard?

That's the weirdest I have had in any of my campaigns. It sank in a bog and died.

Darkxarth
2007-04-13, 04:28 AM
The druid awakened a camel and used it as a mount. I believe it ended up rolling an 18 for intelligence, so we had a new wise-cracking camel party member. The druid later died, gave the camel wizard levels and played as it.
That was a weird campaign.

Vaynor, you win the thread with the Camel Wizard. I've heard of weirder things, like the Psionic Sandwich, but with the addition of the word "wise-cracking" you win.

Hmm... weird mounts...

My Gnome Druid tried to ride the Dwarf once, that didn't end well though...

Closet_Skeleton
2007-04-13, 05:17 AM
Ah, the Warbeast Template. I want a War-Raptor...

Giant birds are pretty sucky.

Threeshades
2007-04-13, 05:37 AM
me... (i was the wizards mount... he was slow and i was fast)

or wizard also uses another PC as mount. The wizard is a gnome and the mount is a half-orc barbarian.

lacesmcawesome
2007-04-13, 06:07 AM
Same thing as others have, pretty much. In one campaign we had this gnome barbarian, and because of his size he would ride on top of me (half-orc samurai). He'd have us both roll strength checks, and once, we both rolled ones, so it dealt me some damage.

It pretty much went like this:

Gnome: Ok, I try to ride the half-orc
Me: I'm not your pack-mule
Gnome: I know, you're my faithful steed
Me: *sigh* whatever
DM: Roll strength checks
Me: ...1
Gnome: Hey, you're going to hate me for this. One!
Dm: Ok, so he tries to climb on top of you, but he uses his greataxe as an ice-pick. He splits you in half.

After arguing about it for a while, and about how that shouldn't have counted as an attack, or at least he should have died somehow, I got the DM to just scratch that and let him ride me without any checks.

Nice experience for my first game, eh?

Threeshades
2007-04-13, 06:22 AM
Same thing as others have, pretty much. In one campaign we had this gnome barbarian, and because of his size he would ride on top of me (half-orc samurai). He'd have us both roll strength checks, and once, we both rolled ones, so it dealt me some damage.

It pretty much went like this:

Gnome: Ok, I try to ride the half-orc
Me: I'm not your pack-mule
Gnome: I know, you're my faithful steed
Me: *sigh* whatever
DM: Roll strength checks
Me: ...1
Gnome: Hey, you're going to hate me for this. One!
Dm: Ok, so he tries to climb on top of you, but he uses his greataxe as an ice-pick. He splits you in half.

After arguing about it for a while, and about how that shouldn't have counted as an attack, or at least he should have died somehow, I got the DM to just scratch that and let him ride me without any checks.

Nice experience for my first game, eh?

ouch but in this case it was a crappy rider.


I think actually any mount that can't fly or isnt a carnivore is crappy.

KoDT69
2007-04-13, 06:38 AM
I wonder what would happen if we put a 6 inch tall Fairy with a dagger as a lance on top of a guinea pig... Would that qualify to use the charging feats and stuff? Or would the opponent get laughs of opportunity and a dodge dumb*** as a free action? :biggrin:

Hyfigh
2007-04-13, 07:48 AM
ouch but in this case it was a crappy rider.


I think actually any mount that can't fly or isnt a carnivore is crappy.

I agree. It isn't tough to either dip into a class that allows a flying mount, ot wait until you're high enough to get one. I don't mind having a horse or something at first, but it only lasts until I can get something more worthwhile.

Cocktail Umbrellas
2007-04-13, 10:41 AM
Peg-legged horse.

Two party members *had* some horses. Being that they were riding around in the Slags in Sigil, one of the horses ended up getting hoof rot. The necromancer/surgeon's horse. Instead of spending the gold to get medicine to fix it, he ended up ignoring it. Eventually it got pretty bad, but instead of letting it pass on, he decides to operate. So not knowing how to fix it through operation, he decides to amputate and replace all four legs with peg-legs. By the end it was probably more of a table than a horse, but for two days before the poor creature died it was the slowest clumsiest mount ever.

KoDT69
2007-04-13, 10:45 AM
That's just wrong :smallbiggrin:

elliott20
2007-04-13, 11:08 AM
Peg-legged horse.

Two party members *had* some horses. Being that they were riding around in the Slags in Sigil, one of the horses ended up getting hoof rot. The necromancer/surgeon's horse. Instead of spending the gold to get medicine to fix it, he ended up ignoring it. Eventually it got pretty bad, but instead of letting it pass on, he decides to operate. So not knowing how to fix it through operation, he decides to amputate and replace all four legs with peg-legs. By the end it was probably more of a table than a horse, but for two days before the poor creature died it was the slowest clumsiest mount ever.
I had a funny response in the first place but this post just killed it...

that's... that's just so messed up I don't know where to begin...

JackMage666
2007-04-13, 11:54 AM
Who hasn't rode a half-orc before, seriously? It was the first thing I accomplished in D&D.

I always though an advanced Dire Rat would make a strange mount for a small character.
Or, better, yet, a Dire Toad!

Latronis
2007-04-13, 02:34 PM
Ive never ridden a half-orc before

though i have ridden an orc

then i got in trouble by the paladin

apparantly he thought it was evil to do that to a prisoner

lacesmcawesome
2007-04-13, 03:05 PM
Ive never ridden a half-orc before

though i have ridden an orc

then i got in trouble by the paladin

apparantly he thought it was evil to do that to a prisoner

pfft.
paladins and their "prisoner's rights"

Krimm_Blackleaf
2007-04-13, 08:00 PM
I would say cow, but that's an awesome mount. So I'll go with this; Horses. I mean come on! Who's idea was it to ride those? Jeez! That's like using an axe to chop wood.

Annarrkkii
2007-04-13, 09:05 PM
Giant Firefly.

What the spoon?

Zincorium
2007-04-13, 09:12 PM
Giant Firefly.

What the spoon?

For additional cool points, name it Serenity.

Woot Spitum
2007-04-13, 09:16 PM
I had a spider-eater mount once, but it wasn't crappy. (Try finding a flying mount with better maneuverability. I don't think there is one.)

Annarrkkii
2007-04-13, 09:30 PM
For additional cool points, name it Serenity.

No. Because you lose all those cool points when the moronic creature is commanded, by its oh-so-proud rider, to "Light." To demonstrate its prowess and specially-tailored ability, it flies within 10 ft. of the ground in pitch darkness, and gets nailed by a longspear.

And dies. 19 HP, AC 13, useless special ability that negates purpose of flight, no attacks worth noting...

Sure, its got darkvision. It can see its foe more than 10 ft. away. Unfortunately it has no brain, and its blind rider just guides it on...

Explain to me the cool points once more?

Viscount Einstrauss
2007-04-13, 10:55 PM
Giant Hulking Hurler cohort. Comes with ejector seat.

Da Beast
2007-04-13, 11:03 PM
This thread is made of win.

WarBrute
2007-04-13, 11:26 PM
I once had a Dwarven Cleric ride a floating Throne Chair

Reptilus
2007-04-13, 11:30 PM
I once played an awakened Hyena. One of the party members tried to ride me after I told him not to, and I actually literally killed his character. He probably though I was the worst mount ever. I woulda let any others ride me, too. Just not the quasi-fascist LN fighter.

Jaguira
2007-04-13, 11:37 PM
I should like to ride a Flumph some day :smallbiggrin:

Assassinfox
2007-04-13, 11:45 PM
Dire Slug...

Zincorium
2007-04-14, 02:28 AM
No. Because you lose all those cool points when the moronic creature is commanded, by its oh-so-proud rider, to "Light." To demonstrate its prowess and specially-tailored ability, it flies within 10 ft. of the ground in pitch darkness, and gets nailed by a longspear.

And dies. 19 HP, AC 13, useless special ability that negates purpose of flight, no attacks worth noting...

Sure, its got darkvision. It can see its foe more than 10 ft. away. Unfortunately it has no brain, and its blind rider just guides it on...

Explain to me the cool points once more?

Cool point = reference to TV show Firefly. Without breaking the fourth wall.

As I (still) don't know where you're getting the stats from, I couldn't exactly see for myself. Still, it is flying, and seeing as only two of the core races (human and halfling) aren't able to see fairly well in the dark, you're probably not going to be smashing into things unless you play a human or halfling that can't be bothered to carry a decent light source or gain low light or darkvision while still deciding to fly around at night. If you are that guy, yeah, you're going to smash into stuff. And you deserve it. Everyone else should be fine.

Thrawn183
2007-04-14, 09:08 AM
I currently have a battle dog, I named him Jun's Battlemount 7. (Jun is my character's name btw.) Everyone I meet asks me what happened to the first six.

Shiny, Bearer of the Pokystick
2007-04-14, 09:34 AM
I don't know about 'crappiest', but the Mini-tarrasque construct our artificer made two sessions ago got a pretty bad reaction from the townsfolk.

Toliudar
2007-04-14, 09:36 AM
We had an awakened dire badger, advanced to size large through increased hit dice, and then we used Animal growth. DM (me) foolishly ruled that, at that scale, the entire rest of the party could ride him by holding onto his fur.

And then he burrowed. For a long time. Entirely avoiding the major, carefully-crafted, plot-important encounters they were supposed to have that day.

Sure, it's great when players think outside the box. Until it's YOUR box.

dungeon_munky
2007-04-14, 11:02 AM
Warforged Samurai. Our gnomish bard just hung out on his shoulders for the entire adventure, playing his fiddle in one continuous bardsong.

Sir Enigma
2007-04-14, 11:10 AM
I never got around to actually doing this, but I always wanted to animate an armchair and ride it into battle...

Latronis
2007-04-14, 11:10 AM
ok bard it's your turn

I GET TO ROLL A PERFORM CHECK WOOHOO

<_<

Amphimir Míriel
2007-04-14, 11:18 AM
The druid awakened a camel and used it as a mount. I believe it ended up rolling an 18 for intelligence, so we had a new wise-cracking camel party member. The druid later died, gave the camel wizard levels and played as it.
That was a weird campaign.

There is a camel in the Discworld that is apparently the most intelligent creature in the world... And he is a vicious bastard too!


ok bard it's your turn

I GET TO ROLL A PERFORM CHECK WOOHOO

<_<

In the name of bards all around the worlds I say to you sir:

"Youre Despicable!!" [slaps Latronis with a white glove]

Drascin
2007-04-14, 12:07 PM
Dire Slug...

Yeah, one of my campaigns had something much like that too. It was slow, but hey, it had a climb speed, was more or less resilient, and was un-trippable. It didn't suck that much. It did get some weird stares from townsfolk, though :P.

Latronis
2007-04-14, 12:29 PM
There is a camel in the Discworld that is apparently the most intelligent creature in the world... And he is a vicious bastard too!



In the name of bards all around the worlds I say to you sir:

"Youre Despicable!!" [slaps Latronis with a white glove]

well
dungeon_munky (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/member.php?u=11440) vbmenu_register("postmenu_2395592", true);

did say he just sat on his shoulders and played the fiddle.......

Lolzords
2007-04-14, 01:54 PM
It's a traditon when we play dungeons and dragons, whenever someone plays a gnome spellcaster (not a halfling though, oddly enough) that gnome grabs the nearest human/half-orc and sits on his or her shoulder and rides them for the campaign.

Other than that, in one campaign I somehow managed to grab the fur of a panicing gnoll and I got dragged along with him. I also rode a krenshar once.

Annarrkkii
2007-04-14, 01:58 PM
I got the cool point reference. I own the only season of Firefly and the Serenity movie, and can lipsync to them.

But that doesn't save the Giant Firefly. The stats are in Arms and Equipment.

Zincorium
2007-04-14, 04:45 PM
I got the cool point reference. I own the only season of Firefly and the Serenity movie, and can lipsync to them.

But that doesn't save the Giant Firefly. The stats are in Arms and Equipment.

As far as riding a mount into combat, yeah, it's a bad idea. As far as being able to travel almost anywhere for a lousy couple hundred gp, that ain't bad. It's got the same degree of vulnerability as a regular (non-war) heavy horse, at four times the price, but it can fly. Something that the wizard can't do until fifth level.

captainswift
2007-04-14, 06:39 PM
I have a very, very minor NPC in Sigil Prep who has a hippopotamus as her paladin's special mount. She works as a pest control agent, who helps rid hippo infestations from people's castles.

Cocktail Umbrellas
2007-04-14, 07:54 PM
Blind Leonal.

I know you probably don’t want to hear another one of mine, but this one is tame, I promise. In an attempt to get somewhere quick, the bard/necromancer asked the Leonal NPC in her party if she could score a ride and he agreed. Problem was he was blind ever since his eyes had been shot out a few months prior. As a mount, he was wickedly quick, but without proper directions he was only quick for about two minutes before he ran off a cliff. For the record, though it wasn’t pleasant, both the bard and the leonal survived.

Ninja Chocobo
2007-04-14, 07:57 PM
There is a camel in the Discworld that is apparently the most intelligent creature in the world... And he is a vicious bastard too!
All camels in the Discworld are super-intelligent. And they're all vicious bastards, too. Wanna be more specific?

Amphimir Míriel
2007-04-14, 10:57 PM
All camels in the Discworld are super-intelligent. And they're all vicious bastards, too. Wanna be more specific?

Ah, it's been a while since I last read those books... I only remember one that appeared in Pyramids! and in Small Gods... I thought they were the same camel?

MusScribe
2007-04-14, 11:28 PM
Well, I just thought of the Floating Disk-powered box...

Although, I'd like to see a mounted combat focused Gnome/Halfling ride a Half-orc (or similar) into battle, now...


I've also thought about a couple that are mounts for their familiar... Using Cadaverous Familiar and Big Familiar with a Large Celestial/Fiendish/Half-Celestial/Half-Fiendish/Awakened (or similar) animal. Which, if you allowing for the size change for any animal...

I'm picturing a Zombie Baboon (familiar) riding a Large Fiendish Wolf... (Actually... it could be a zombie monkey (hmm...) riding a Small animal (like an eagle))

Oh man, now I've got a Zombie Monkey on a Fiendish (or Awakened) Eagle...

NecroPaladin
2007-04-14, 11:50 PM
My gnome ranger rode on his animal companion, which was a feral Kobold named "dinner." He drooled a lot. Dinner was an awesome mount.

Lessee...For a while, or ninja used our barbarian as a mount...

Similarly, one player just rode a zombie around holding meat in front of its face because it's a tireless creature and could chase the meat for days.

Oh yeah, and I'm working on a slime domain cleric who uses two gelatinous cubes like bit shoes, stepping on things and able to just lie back on them like a bed when he gets tired, so they can keep carrying him. Just picture, waking this guy up as he seems to crawl along the ground, lounging on two blobs, when he turns angrily and goes,
'FEAR MY CUBESHOES! RAAAAAR!'

DaMullet
2007-04-15, 12:38 AM
'FEAR MY CUBESHOES! RAAAAAR!'
Ladies and gentlemen, SIGGED.

Ninja Chocobo
2007-04-15, 12:43 AM
Ah, it's been a while since I last read those books... I only remember one that appeared in Pyramids! and in Small Gods... I thought they were the same camel?
I think one was You Bastard and the other was Bloody Idiot. I could be wrong, though.

Drider
2007-04-15, 12:56 AM
playing a lvl 17 solo mission as a ranger and encountered mutant apes, used the hide+move silently to not get noticed long enough to climb a tree, and jump on one's back rolled a 20 on ride check and had crazy amount of bonuses, but still failed.
let me re-phrase, i THOUGHT they were mutant apes(because of a bad roll, i was using knowledge (nature), but it became knowledge (the planes)...they were really Bar-Lgura

bosssmiley
2007-04-15, 09:01 AM
I think one was You Bastard and the other was Bloody Idiot. I could be wrong, though.

Then there was Evil-Smelling Son of a Jackal, probably the greatest mathematician in camel history. :smallbiggrin:

Weak mounts, lemme see... Dire Porcupine would just be weird. Remorhaz ditto. And how the heck are you supposed to ride a bullette? :smallconfused:

The_Werebear
2007-04-15, 10:34 AM
And how the heck are you supposed to ride a bullette? :smallconfused:


Very Carefully.

NecroPaladin
2007-04-15, 11:11 AM
Ladies and gentlemen, SIGGED.

Yay! Thank you!

LCR
2007-04-15, 12:03 PM
Dire Slug...

He's slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow.

Dant
2007-04-15, 12:24 PM
Duh, of course it's slow. That's why you need to get a racing slug instead. Much faster.

Kami2awa
2007-04-15, 02:02 PM
See this guy:

http://uk.games-workshop.com/witchhunters/gallery/20/

asqwasqw
2007-04-15, 02:05 PM
See this guy:

http://uk.games-workshop.com/witchhunters/gallery/20/

Dude, I want that chair...

Talya
2007-04-15, 02:07 PM
Our party has befriended a very young brass dragon (small sized, 7 HD. We're level 13) that is c urrently accompanying us into the underdark. As soon as we entered, the dragon jumped on the back of our dwarf cleric and sat there on his shoulder/helmet/etc. for the remainder of the session (at least until we ran into combat.)

This cleric stinks. Quite literally. Hygiene issues. Terrible mount.

Eldpollard
2007-04-15, 02:18 PM
A dire badger would be bad. As soon as it gets hurt it rages. With you riding it.

Deathcow
2007-04-15, 02:39 PM
Heh. Our last party used the Maug monk as a mount. We just strapped a cart to his back and took a ride. Maugs, as constructs, don't get tired, and since he was a monk he had a really good movement speed. We couldn't fight from his back, but it sure was handy as transportation until somebody learned Teleport.

Sam K
2007-04-15, 03:10 PM
Most of our drow party simply rode war trained giant lizards, but our duskblade used a drider barbarian (another PC) as his mount. Incredibly powerful melee combo, btw. He could use his ride skill to negate hits on the low AC drider.

I realise this is really more of an awsome mount than anything else, but comeon- a drider letting itself be ridden by a drow???

PlatinumJester
2007-04-15, 03:34 PM
In the Arms and Equipment guide you can get a Amulet of Ooze riding (20000 gp or something stupid) which allows you to ride in a gelatinous cube. Imagine trying escape the tarresque in that.

PlatinumJester
2007-04-15, 03:36 PM
In the Arms and Equipment guide you can get a Amulet of Ooze riding (20000 gp or something stupid) which allows you to ride in a gelatinous cube. Imagine trying escape the tarresque in that.

Ninja Chocobo
2007-04-15, 09:52 PM
Most of our drow party simply rode war trained giant lizards, but our duskblade used a drider barbarian (another PC) as his mount. Incredibly powerful melee combo, btw. He could use his ride skill to negate hits on the low AC drider.

I realise this is really more of an awsome mount than anything else, but comeon- a drider letting itself be ridden by a drow???
A Drider in the same party as Drow? Fluffwise, that's about as likely as an Archon being in the same party as Demons.
Driders HATE Drow. So much.