Funniest dialogue or situations in games you played or DMed.

[Gamereaper]

So I'm just curious if anyone has had any particularly golden moments that keeled everyone over in laughter. Share the laughs and I'll post some of mine as well.

[Heikold]

The party's wererabbit rogue is dangling from an Immovable Rod over a vast canyon

Wizard: "Turn into a rabbit! You'll be lighter!"
Rogue: "Yeah, but I won't have THUMBS!"

[Snowbluff]

DM: "Alright, so the eunuch asks you to follow him."
Another player:"I wonder how he got to be a eunuch."
Me: "I've recently had a discussion of great length with a friend about this. I think we concluded the hammer method was the best solution."
Another player: "What's the hammer method?"
Me: "I think it speaks for itself."
DM: "Oh... man, I need to roll a save against Snowbluff..."

[Lorddenorstrus]

My players killed then ate another player (albeit it was a homebrew Tauren race, so a Cow) following suit of the Ogres decision to do so with the betraying party member. And that's just icing on the cake. My players are crazy.

[Thurbane]

Game I was in, we were fighting some big bad (can't remember exactly what now) in a prison block.

The party Fighter landed the killing blow, then did a lap around the cells high-fiving the prisoners through the bars.

According to the module, one of the cells contained a Wight! Needless to say, one energy drain later everyone was laughing except the Fighter in question.

[IZ42]

Reposting this from No Context Campaign Quotes over in Roleplaying Games.

P1: You're sturdy and heal fast right?
Me: Yeah, why? :smallconfused:
P1: OK, noted.
Me: Do I get a say in this? :smalleek:
P1: You get a save in this.

[Vhaidara]

Dwarf Fighter: My cart is always loaded and usually mine!

Context: His player missed a session, so we left him passed out drunk in the tavern. We took his cart. Next session, he rides up, on someone else's cart. Then realizes he accidentally stole a cart while hungover.

Shifter Barbarian: Dude, you got beat up by water.

Context: We'd just met our half-vampire monk. Who had just been beaten half to death by a water elemental. The Barbarian did not ID the elemental.

Mary Sue GMPC Paladin: You there, remove your hood!
Tiefling Warlock: I shall not. I was in a fire several years ago, and keep the scars hidden out of shame (Bluff check passes for half lie)
Mary Sue GMPC Paladin: It would be shameful for you not to remove your hood!
Tiefling Warlock: So, it is shameful for me to not remove my hood, even though I wear the hood to protect myself from shame?
Mary Sure GMPC Paladin: Exactly!
Tiefling Warlock: ...You're retarded, you know that, right?

Context: The Pally was the definition of the GMPC Mary Sue that everyone hates (this was our meeting him, we immediately started plotting his death). In particular, he hated planetouched of the non-aasimar variety (we also had 2 genasi). And he was the standard "Warlocks are servants of hell" kind of paladin too. Literally, there was no way for my character to work with this guy (GM gave me a different option)

[Thealtruistorc]

Dm: defeated, the ooze flows back into the drainpipe (it had jumped out and tried to kill us when we entered the room)
Me: I follow after it. Most likely its being controlled.
Dm: You don't.
Me: Why not? I can break through the grate.
Dm: No, you can't. It's an adamantine grate.
Druid: Wait, these guys are rich enough to use adamantine grates? Think about how much we could sell those for.
Me: I have an adamantium weapon. I can get it off.
Dm: NO!
Me: Why not?
Dm: Suck on Sovreign Glue, ******s!
Druid: HOW CAN THESE GUYS EVEN AFFORD TO SOVREIGN GLUE THEIR DRAINPIPES?
Me: Hey, there's nothing stopping us from tearing up the whole floor. That's just made of ordinary...
Dm: CAN WE JUST FORGET THE DRAINPIPE AND MOVE ON!

[Doctor Awkward]

In the long-running 7th Sea campaign that I have been doing for my group for well over four years now, we have one of the players whose running gag is that he keeps collecting titles. He was quite proud of them, and always insisted on being introduced at parties by his complete and proper name as his way of mocking the nobility.

He began his career as William Fletcher, a simple scoundrel from the shores of Avalon.

A few months into the campaign, the party was given command of a ship when the NPC captain was killed while they were escaping from another group of pirates whose treasure horde they had just robbed.
So now he's Captain William Fletcher.

Later the party went to the free city of Frieburg, and he said the first thing he wanted to do was go out drinking. So I had him wake up the next morning with a deed in his coat pocket to some estate, that he briefly recalled winning in a high stakes card game. Upon reaching the state the butler informed him that whoever held the deed was legally the lord of Drachenheim manor.
His name then became Lord Captain William Fletcher von Drachenheim.

After a number of adventures, the party winds up defending the city against an invading army from a neighboring province that wanted to conquer it, and they were all given the honorary title of "Knight Defenders of Freiburg", and were thus permitted to act in the capacity of city guards.
So at last he is Lord Captain William Fletcher von Drachenheim, Knight Errant of Freiburg, and insists on being addressed accordingly.


The very next adventure they go on runs them into a group of individuals who they learn has been impersonating them, and using their names to reap the benefits of their reputation. An altercation occurs, and the party is arrested and goes to court to try and prove that the other group is a bunch of frauds. About halfway through the trial the player grabs my attention and tells me he wants to call a witness (they had an advocate, but I let them role-play it out however they wanted).

Player: Your honor!
Me: Yes?
Player: I would like to call the defendant "Fletcher" to the stand!
Me: All right, he sits down, and affects a rather good Avalon accent and says to you, "Go 'head then. Ask your questions."
Player: (MASSIVE smug grin) Would you please state your full name for the record?
Me: (breaking character) ....****.

I immediately opened my mouth to speak, and then closed it in the span of about two seconds when I realized what he was doing. One by one, the rest of the players descended into laughter as they picked up on it as well. The problem I had was that there was a very specific resource that the imposters were using to get their information about the party, and I had to stop and think about which of his titles that source was aware of before I could answer, even though the NPC wouldn't have hesitated. Even so, I had to admit to him that it was one of the best "Gotcha" moments I've ever had the pleasure of being a part of.

[(Un)Inspired]

The party's wererabbit rogue is dangling from an Immovable Rod over a vast canyon

Wizard: "Turn into a rabbit! You'll be lighter!"
Rogue: "Yeah, but I won't have THUMBS!"


Game I was in, we were fighting some big bad (can't remember exactly what now) in a prison block.

The party Fighter landed the killing blow, then did a lap around the cells high-fiving the prisoners through the bars.

According to the module, one of the cells contained a Wight! Needless to say, one energy drain later everyone was laughing except the Fighter in question.

Both of these are solid gold.

[Naez]

Group walking into a building. Me and the Wizard coming in last. Random Barbarian charging out of nowhere lays him out, conscious, but no longer a threat.
Wizard (Being the a-hole he is): "There's an idiot out here."
Me (Being the a-hole I am): "Also there's an enemy."
I mean if you insist on bringing up the rear and you haven't put mage armor on even though we're going into a potentially dangerous situation...

[rrwoods]

"... So you decided to dress him up as a hooker, drag him across town, and then bring him onto MY ship... so you can throw him overboard on the trip back home?"

Ahem.

We'd just killed a changeling posing as a high-up in a trading company (who'd presumably dispatched said high-up) who tried to kill us (which formed the climax encounter of the adventure session). The problem is, pretty much everyone in town knew this guy was visiting, and his sudden disappearance with no evidence of his death (he didn't look like "himself" after we killed him) was going to be hard to explain.

So naturally, we wrapped him in a tent and took him to the mayor's office.

As it turned out, the mayor had suspected something was up. We hemmed and hawed over what to do with the body at this point. Burning it wasn't an option as we didn't want to attract attention. Also suggested was chopping the body into small pieces -- in hindsight I'm not even sure why this was suggested, but needless to say the crusader wanted nothing to do with it. We contemplated putting the body in a barrel to take it back to the ship. Then one of our party suggested (naturally!) that we dress the body up like a hooker, and carry "her" back across town to the docks, as though "she" were passed-out-drunk. Eventually it came to a vote. Five members in the party.

And I was the tiebreaker. Of *course* I voted for the hooker outfit.

Icing on the cake: The mayor had a good disguise check and helped us do it.

Most fun I've had playing D&D in a looooong time was that interaction. I'm playing a martial adept for the first time, and the maneuver system makes melee fun again for sure. But man, that changeling hooker. Social encounters are the best encounters.

[Lorddenorstrus]

Or this one.. one of my newer players asked me for Nymphs kiss he wanted to try role playing a relationship.. Normally i'm iffy about things that can be easily turned over the top persay (i'm in a relationship with X or Y im taking this feat as 1st level for the skill points etc) So I look at the cleric NPC the party is going to meet soon.. I think hmm well i guess she can have a bit of a race change .. some reworks and basically deciding to turn her into a heal bot later.. They meet, and eventually get off into their relationship after some role playing. So the Cleric and the Half dragon got a thing going.

My hidden alignment Neutral evil dread necromancer player (he's avoided casting certain spells forever and has intentionally cast hide alignment.. nobody knows what he is lol, other than possibly 1 experienced player whom i think guessed after some stuff in combat doing math in his head) has since then intruded on the relationship turned it into a three way and then today after the session looked at me and said. "I can grab Nymphs kiss now to right?" Frankly I never thought things would go that crazy from minorly remaking an NPC for a roleplay feat..

[Sith_Happens]

Player: Your honor!
Me: Yes?
Player: I would like to call the defendant "Fletcher" to the stand!
Me: All right, he sits down, and affects a rather good Avalon accent and says to you, "Go 'head then. Ask your questions."
Player: (MASSIVE smug grin) Would you please state your full name for the record?
Me: (breaking character) ....****.

Genius. Pure genius.:smallcool:

[Inevitability]

"I can grab Nymphs kiss now to right?"

What was his reaction when he heard Nymph's Kiss is Exalted? :smalltongue:

[WhamBamSam]

I've been running some modules for a newbie group of friends. Being the a-holes that they are, there have been a few massacres, some enslavement, and quite a bit of general murderhoboing, but that's not what this story is about.

We started with Sunless Citadel, and as they were slightly over leveled for it and I'd given them build help, they were going through it like a hot knife through butter. I decided to spice up the last few encounters to make things less dull. One of those encounters was a scythe-wielding bugbear gardener. I gave him a level of pouncebarian and two of warblade, but, crucially, did not give him MotPM as a maneuver known. So he ended up the highest AC they'd yet seen, with uncanny dodge, but also with a crappy will save. Not a particularly unusual setup, but whatever, there you go.

The factotum successfully sneaks up on the bugbear while he's gardening, draws his elvencraft bow, and goes for an iaijutsu kill shot. Thanks to uncanny dodge, he misses, and I fluff it as the bugbear ducking his head out of the way of the arrow without even looking up from his gardening. The psion hits him with deja vu, which the bugbear fails his save against, the druid drops a flaming sphere under him and initiative is on.

The fight goes on for like three rounds. The factotum, crusader, and animal companion keep missing, and the bugbear keeps saving against the flaming sphere and whatever else the druid was doing, but he also keeps failing will saves against deja vu, so through it all, he just goes on gardening.

Eventually the PCs do whittle him down to negatives. While he's unconscious, the psion charms him, as he is wont to do. When the bugbear regains consciousness, he affably offers to show the psion his garden.

The bugbear is now a named friendly NPC. The party really seems to like him.

[Necromancy]

Player Mikey with the big dumb fighter aquired intelligent gauntlets of ogre power which were inhabited by..... An ogre!

This ogre was slightly more intelligent than the fighter, and for whatever reason, they kept the intelligence aspect of the item secret.

Well we ran across a possibly intelligent sword and Mikey got frustrated and wanted to ask his ogre gauntlets if maybe they could talk to the sword.

So with us all in bewilderment at what he is doing, he bursts out with this little gem...

Mikey - *smacks right fist into left palm* "I pound my fist and try to wake up the ogre"

*a moment of silent pause*

Me - "Is that what you're calling it these days? You need to do that $#%^ in private"

[Theodred theOld]

I mean if you insist on bringing up the rear and you haven't put mage armor on even though we're going into a potentially dangerous situation...

This should be in every wizard guide ever. Whenever possible I live in mage armor.

[Theodred theOld]

The party had just made their way into the besieged city using the old sewer tunnels. After a quick clean up, they decide to leave the more conspicuous party members (orc and minotaur bard- yes, a minotard) in an alley while they go talk to some people. While they wait in the alley, they are recognized by a couple of locals who move in for a closer look. Remaining undetected was their main goal and since the city was currently being besieged by a bunch of orcs, everyone at the table assumed that combat would ensue. The orc barbarian reaches for his axe. Then the magic began:
Minotard(female): I pull out my guitar and begin to play and I'll use fascinate.
dm: ok, make a perform check.
Minotard: *rolls nat 20 and grins. "Ok, now I want to seduce them and lead them to the back of the alley one at a time and [expletive] them to death.
dm: You wanna do what now?
Minotard: Shouldn't be too hard. I took some ranks in profession: prostitute.
dm: *grabs character sheet. So you did.

[Grollub]

Last campaign I was in, we started out as typical villagers in a smallish town/fort.

The one guy in the group was the stableboy. During one of the first encounters we had, some thugs came into town, with a horse.

So the stableboy wanted to Handle Animal on the hostile horse and rolled a 1. Naturally, we started to make a few jokes about how he "handled" the animal, grabbing its crotch. To which he replied he would turn us all into horses.....:smalleek:

[Necromancy]

Minotard: *rolls nat 20 and grins. "Ok, now I want to seduce them and lead them to the back of the alley one at a time and [expletive] them to death.


Death by snu snu!

[Gamereaper]

That moment when the manliest character (a ranger) puts on a cursed girdle and becomes a woman.

So in one of my campaigns, we had to make a new character for a wizard that was turned into squash by a dinosaur foot. Recently, one of our players birthed a half demon. We decided that a baby half demon as a character would be amusing, so why not. This guy always flirts with girls at every opportunity. Forgetting that he's only 2 years old with the mind of somone the rest of the character's ages, he flirts with a girl. The DM reminds him that his character is only 2 years old. He pauses for a moment and says. I lean onto the door frame with a smug look on my face and I say "hey babe, you want to go to jail for me?"

[Buufreak]

Current game we are running, we are running a very dark world (specifically Inistrad, for my mtg friends), and we have a tripping commoner, because my friend wanted a real challenge. Before encountering a werewolf in a magic circle, he decided to grab a shovel off his "animal companion" mule. So as the party is getting mauled, he proclaims "Well, since you guys already dug a hole, I won't be needing this!" and spikes the shovel into the ground. He is a pun genius in our house.

[Ruethgar]

I was DMing a game with my brother and a mutual friend who insisted on being a gnoll. I warned him beforehand that he wouldn't be readily accepted in many of the cities, but he went with it anyway. They come to a town and start drinking at the tavern, failing most of their saves having ordered the strongest alcohol in the place for everyone in the tavern. The gnoll, by a miracle natural 20, convinces a hooker to join him for the night but miserably fails his appraise check to gague her beauty.

He wakes up next to a rather rotund woman and hears an angry mob outside looking for him to drive the gnoll out of town or kill it. He makes a disguise check to try and look like a human woman to escape, he didn't do so well. Wearing the hooker's dress and a mop head wig he tries to leave the tavern. I determined that about 30% of the mob just bursts out laughing with 40% standing there befuddled, 10% leaving as things just got too weird and 20% still angry. The laughter defused the situation a bit at they were able to leave proper and not sneak around, but the knoll never took the disguise off.

[Dr TPK]

One of the players was playing a very annoying paladin-ish Cavalier in AD&D 1e. The character had many immunities, for example to fear.

This one time, one of the players got fed up with the Cavalier and shouted:
"That's it! My character is now going to ***rape your character!"
Everyone was completely quiet. Everybody knew perfectly well that the Cavalier was much weaker than the cheesy OP character that was bound to rape the Cavalier at any moment.

The DM looked at the Cavalier's player and said emphatically:
"It's all right. You have no fear."

[Snowbluff]

"It's all right. You have no fear."

Hahahahahahaha! Good luck there, buddy.
http://i.minus.com/ibiDjGL9xY9jXG.gif

[atemu1234]

"What do we do with the Drow prisoner, now that we've Mind Raped her into thinking she's a five-year old british schoolgirl?"

[Segev]

I was not the DM, but this was an Iron Kingdoms game back when it was a d20 product.

I was playing a would-be medical doctor who happened to be from Cryx (Ye Olde Lande of Evyl), while the game was set in the capital city of Signar (Classically Good Kingdom). It's not technically illegal to be Cryxian in Signar, but you're certainly not going to be given much benefit of the doubt.

As adventurers, we came across a murder in a back alley. It was clearly done in a ritualistic fashion. Worse, when my character returned to his (very pimped-out) wagon, he found stashed in one of his drawers (which usually held glass beakers) a bandolier of Cryxian daggers.

He knew where THIS was going, so after telling the party about it, he walked calmly into the local guard post and turned in the knives, reporting, "Somebody put these in my wagon. I believe they are attempting to frame me for murder."

Cue a few moments of speechlessness from the guards, not to mention the other players and the DM.

He was arrested on suspicion, and put in jail.

Long story short, the murderer was NOT expecting this, and committed anotehr murder while my character was locked in prison. Thus clearing him.

A few more troublesome incidents later, and my character decided to simply rent out his cell as his living quarters. It, strangely, made everybody more comfortable. The city guard knew where at least one Cryxian was most of the time, and he knew he wasn't going to get framed for anything. They even let him dress it up and have entry and exit privileges (as he was, after all, renting a room).

Some time later, he's trying to enter the Aurum Ominous Alchemists' Guild, and another low-level member thereof takes a personal dislike to him. The alchemist kept trying to get him in trouble, or to catch him doing evil, or just to flat-out bully him.

My character mostly took it in stride, being too busy with his own goals to be bothered.

This, nevertheless, offended the cleric of Morrow (the Good God of Goody Goodness) who was, in essence, a frat boy that liked hanging out with my character because my character was not opposed to a good time.

So the cleric catches the alchemist as the alchemist was about to try something (I forget what; my character literally remained oblivious to this whole thing until much later), then cornered him, knocked him over the head, stripped him naked, and ran him up a flagpole.

The Alchemist stormed in to the guard post. My character was just getting out - and it looked like he was either being taken in or released for something - so the alchemist pointed at him and flat out accused him of hiring thugs to rough him up, and demand that my character be arrested.

My character, of course, denies it, but the other guy is insistent. "Hiring thugs" means my alibi of being in my cell all night isn't any good. Then my drinking buddy (the cleric) walks in, wondering what's taking me so long since I'm keeping the party waiting.

This, of course, is PROOF, as far as the alchemist is concerned, that I knew all about it, since I was consorting with the very thug!

"Let me get this straight," said the guard captain. "You say this man, who has voluntarily stayed under guard observation and actively helped preserve order several times in the city, hired THIS man, who is a CLERIC of MORROW, to randomly assault you, and moreover, the CLERIC of MORROW agreed to it?"

Not quite catching on to the incredulity in the captain's voice, the alchemist said, "Yes!"

With their sincere apologies for the inconvenience to my character and my friend the cleric, the guards took this obviously deranged alchemist into custody until the local asylum could be contacted to hold him for observation. It's much too dangerous to let people of addled wits deal with alchemical substances!