Aakor's fortunetelling

[MrEdwardNigma]

In a sleazy alley near the guild of magical arts and psionics someone has drawn up an equally sleazy tent, blocking the way. On the outside of the tent, there is a sign saying

"Aakor's fortunetelling
only three gold per session
--------------------------
Have mysteries of past and future unraveled
contact your ancentors with our exclusive afterlife service
consult minor deities and lurking spirits
detect evil on given objects or persons
we can even guess the lotterynumbers for you!!!

*Aakor does not take responsibility for mistakes made due to his predictions. He advises against acting upon his predictions

[Nevrmore]

A man walks in, the collar of his cloak ridiculously high. This is so it hides the gaping wound where a certain larval illithid ate out his brain and is controlling him.

"Alright, go ahead."

[MrEdwardNigma]

The man walks into the tent, discovering an unusually large room (seeing as how the tent is minuscule from the outside). The tent is packed with all kinds of bizzare items, including (but not limited to) a collection of shrunken human heads, a stuffed aligator suspended by wires, some jars with eyeballs and brains, a gigantic cauldron of bubbling yellowish liquid that gives off light (it also appears to be the only source of light in the room) and (for some reason) a collection of peglegs. There are also various signs everywhere, all of them in different handwritings. Most of them are warnings not to touch stuff, though some seem to be notes about foot sizes of a certain pygmy tribe. At the middle of this chaos a table has been erected, and at this table Aakor is seated. Currently he's casually tossing fireballs at the walls of the tent, as if he doesn't really care if it goes up in flames.
Yeah, right, pall, we're closed. Hit the road.. Aakor's undead eyes suddenly flash white, he looks up at the man and smiles.
Never mind him. Please do come in and make yourself comfortable. What service would you require?

[Nevrmore]

"Alright.." The man takes a seat, "Normally I wouldn't believe any of this crap, but seeing as I've seen some weird stuff thralls do here, I'll take some stock in it - I need to know how to kill something."

[MrEdwardNigma]

Killing? Ah, now there's a man to my liking! What would ya like ta kill, friend?

[Nevrmore]

"I'm not exactly sure what he is..I think his name is...Maph'tey, maybe? Anyway, he is usually a meatbag with two wings and a tail, but can turn into a giant, near-invisible monster that apparently wipes you from existence if he eats you. Really starting to piss me off."

[MrEdwardNigma]

Ah, I see your predicament...I am afraid, however, youwill not kill him...However, mon cher ami, I can tell you some very intersting things, if you're willing to pay that is

[Nevrmore]

"I won't kill him, you say?"

[NecroPaladin]

((Woohoo! The town has two bipolar undead now!))

[MrEdwardNigma]

No, I'm pretty sure you won't be killing him, see there's one slight problem. You seem to be dead. Don't ask me how that's possible, well, unless you're willing to pay for that too, but that's definitely the reading I get. Aakor shifts in his chair uneasily and his eyes flash briefly.
So, are you gonna sit there all day or are you planning on paying me anytime soon. I'm not gonna tell you a single thing before you pay, understand?

((By the way: two bipolar undead??? Really?))

[Nevrmore]

I'm not dead, you stupid thrall! Descartes shouts in his own telepathic voice, forgetting momentarily to use the human's squishy vocal chords.

[MrEdwardNigma]

Please don't shout at me...*shudder*
Well, if you're willing to pay, I could look into the matter. Otherwise, if you want more information on this Maph'tey guy, you're going to have to pay as well. If you want both, that'll be six gold...

[Nevrmore]

Descartes rolls his eyes. The real Descartes, so the fortune teller wouldn't see this. He digs around his pockets and pulls a pouch out of it. Apparently the dude he killed was loaded. He tosses/throws three gold pieces at the fortune teller.

"Just tell me about Maph'tey."

[MrEdwardNigma]

A stupid smirk suddenly appears on the corpses face as his eyes flicker again.
Fishies! A trickle of drool is running out of the corner of his mouth now
Fishies!!! Aakor shakes his head and looks back up.
*cough*...The best way to harm him seems to be stopping time...Yes, for some reason that ought to work Aakor suddenly looks at the coins on the table as if he hadn't noticed them and quickly pockets them.
Do you wish to make any further inquiries?

[Nevrmore]

"How the hell am I supposed to stop time?! There's only one person I know who can do that, and that's him!"

[MrEdwardNigma]

I see your predicament, however, we here at Aakor's fortunetelling are not responsible for our predictions and we do not promise that they will lead to any results
Besides, I seem to remember telling you you're not gonna be killing him, ain't that right, chum?
I could look into another manner of defeating this Maph'tey, I sense there is more. That will cost you three more goldpieces though. If you are willing to pay me this small price, I'm sure you'd find this next bit of information interesting

[Nevrmore]

Descartes sighs audibly and throws another three gold pieces at the avaricious moneyteller.

[MrEdwardNigma]

The fortuneteller smiles broadly and hauls in the goldpieces.
Very well, a pleasure doing business with you, truly...now I see...
Gunpowder, treason and plot...remember, remember... mumbles the psychic as his eyes go white and he stares at the ceiling, then he looks back at Descartes.
Fish. Plain fish. That seems to be the trick. Don't ask me how it works, I can only see so much, but it's definitely fish you need!

[Nevrmore]

"..."

"....."

"Tell me what isn't stopping me from killing you horribly where you stand and burning this damn tent down."

[MrEdwardNigma]

Is that a threat? I won't tolerate violence of any kind in my tent!
Besides, it's pretty cramped in here, no? I'm sure there's no need for violence, we can work this out, we're all adults...well, most of us

[Nevrmore]

"If you don't want violence you'd better start giving me some damned answers that aren't completely retarded."

[MrEdwardNigma]

Fish, I told you! Sheesh, why won't you listen? I know it sounds stupid, but I can't help it, that's what the cosmos tells me your answer is! That and stopping time...
Aakor's eyes flash and he grins at Descartes.
But if you wanna fight, we could always take this outside, I've been feeling like killing some people for quite a while now

[Destro_Yersul]

((This is surprisingly relevant, given the fight between Destro and Maph'tey that's happening right now. Fish, or more specifically trout, FTW!))

[Nevrmore]

"Look, you crazy MPD piece of crap, I will personally eat the feces of the next meatbag I see if fish are indeed the key to defeating a horrible time-consuming beast from beyond the cosmos."

[MrEdwardNigma]

((Fortunetelling is always relevant...unless they're trying to rip you off))

Yes, you might have a few unpleasant meals ahead of you, in that case. The fish seem to be trout specifically, or so the cosmos claims, perhaps anchovies will work as well though...
And another thing, isn't "meatbag" a rather strange term to use, considering you're human yourself and such?
Aakor casts detect evil on Descartes.

[MrEdwardNigma]

Suddenly Aakor starts shuddering and some of the magic items in the tent start glowing and making a hellish racket. Aakor stumbles back and bumps into the cauldron, making it spill some of the luminiscent liquid. Then he looks up at Descartes with hatred in his eyes.
"You! You killed me! Snatched my body away! You...you...murderer!"

[Nevrmore]

"Sorry, come again? I wasn't really listening."

[MrEdwardNigma]

Lights twingle in the undeads eyes as he gazes at Descartes.
Sorry, this doesn't usually happen but...
His eyes flash violently and he shouts: "Not listening? YOU KILLED ME! That's what I said! You're using my body as a winter coat! And now, you'll pay!".
Aakor pulls a rusty cutlass off of one of the shelves and advances towards Descartes.

[Nevrmore]

"What, you're serious? I killed you once? Wow, I guess that means you're a pretty crappy fortune teller..." Descartes stands up and waits for the advancing undead.

[MrEdwardNigma]

Aakor blinks and looks at Descartes, the hatred is gone from his eyes.
Seriously, sorry about this, we seem to be having some problems...a new guest it seems...
And what's all that about crappy fortune telling, you dare to say that to my face?
I must say I understand our new companion, the newest addition to our merry band. I've cast detect evil on you, and you're one of the worst people I've met so far. As a paladin, that means quite a lot.
Saying this Aakor prepares to charge Descartes once more. His eyes flicker.
"Enough talk. Die!". Aakor plunges at Descartes, the swords tip aiming at Descartes' hosts eye.
Really, we're very sorry about this.

[Nevrmore]

"Oooh, now I get it. You're some kind of freak of nature." Descartes erects a Psionic shield between him and the oncoming blade. "Like some kind of weird hodge-podge of souls or some crap. That's messed up."

[MrEdwardNigma]

Aakor bounces off the shield and lands in the dirt.
Messed up? I'll show you messed up! he shouts as he hurls the blade at Descartes and weaves a fireball in his hands.

((And, yes, indeed, Aakor is "some kind of weird hodge-podge of souls or some crap". Most of them don't feel like killing you, but three of them do... In case the whole soul thing isn't quite clear, you can always read my character sheet. The link's in my signature))

[Nevrmore]

The shield molds into a psionic hand which catches the sword and hurls it right back at him.

I'd say that I don't want to kill you because it's not completely your fault, but I'd be lying. Descartes says, assuming his original telepathic voice.

[MrEdwardNigma]

Aakor throws the fireball at the blade, instantly melting it.
Oh, come on now, can't we be civil about this?
Hey, watch it with that sword, you almost hit me! I could have been dead! Oh, no, wait...
Since my powers tell me you're dead, take this!
The paladin in Aakor tries turn undead on Descartes.

((Yes, I know, rather useless, but Rakul(the ghost of the paladin) doesn't know that...))

[Nevrmore]

The spell has absolutely no effect on Descartes.

You're pretty stupid, aren't you?

Descartes bombards Aakor with a Mind Blast.

[MrEdwardNigma]

((mindblast, right, what does that do again?))

[Nevrmore]

((Will leave you extremely dazed and confused for a few seconds))

[MrEdwardNigma]

Aakor is extremely dazed and confused for a few seconds.

[Nevrmore]

The psionic hand grabs the sword again and brings it to Descartes, who grabs it with his host body hand. He walks over to Aakor and attempts to stab him through the chest.

[MrEdwardNigma]

Descartes stabs Aakor through the chest succesfully, and a small stream of thick red blood pours out. Other than that, it doesn't seem to do much. Aakor, having regained his senses, blasts a fireball at Descartes' host from nearby (they're standing right next to each other, you know).
And you thought turning undead on you was stupid? Stabbing the undead, now that's plain dumb

[Nevrmore]

The fireball burns the host body's flesh, and the force of the firebal being propelled destroys a nice bit of skull, revealing Descartes, protected under a miniature pisonic shield, inside his skull.

Boo. He says before trying to slice the sword upwards from inside Aakor's chest, effectively slicing through his head.

[MrEdwardNigma]

The blast from the fireball blows Aakor backward and propels him into the cauldron of bubbling liquid, which tips and spills most of it's content on the floor.
My tent! Look what you've done! Can't you take this outside???
Aakor, now covered in glowing goo, picks up the ladle that had been resting in the liquid.
"En garde!" he yells as he storms at descartes again, trying to squash the squidlike creature in the skull with the ladle.

[Nevrmore]

Descartes sighs, growing tired of this. Right as Aakor gets close, he suddenly expands his shield to many times its normal circumference in a fraction of a second. Since this shield was around the actual Descartes, it has the unpleasant side effect of pretty much completely destroying his host body as he tries to repel Aakor's advances.

[MrEdwardNigma]

Oh, god, all that blood! It's...it's awful!
Aakor sinks on his knees, the bent landle still in his hands.
Awful...
Yeah, and those stains are never going to come out of the carpet!