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View Full Version : 1st chapter of a story I might finish some day (PEACH)



InaVegt
2007-04-14, 04:33 PM
The water of the seas was reflecting the light of the golden sun. The mighty ship was drifting through the desert of water, completely lost. The desperate men were busy repairing the torn sails, ever discouraged by the heat of the sun on their backs. They had been lost on this sea for several weeks now, slowly losing hope of having land in their vision ever again. They named it the sea of torture.

Suddenly a young man inhabiting the mast noticed the sheer majesty of a tower made of a black material, sporting a gigantic flag he had never seen before. A blue cross through a green field and a red banner beneath. Being unsure about the reality of this tower the man closed his eyes and counted till the holy number of seven. When he reopened his eyes he saw the tower standing on the side of an immense coastline, he realized his duty and shouted “Land sighted!” at the top of his lungs.

The head of Ligen the explorer raised at the shout, his whole three feet and four inches shaking. The halfling captain would finally see land again. It is not that he hated the sea, he loved the sea, but that after the hungry months out of port he would hopefully finally be able to eat the food of land again. He ran as fast to the deck as his short legs would allow, reaching it as the coastline was clearly visible to his sharp eyes.

The captain looked around his men, seeing the hope in their eyes, the hope inspired by the shores just a mile away. “We have spend months traveling the seas, from the harbor of Galanreen through the sea of commerce and the sea of danger, reaching through this dreadful sea of torture. We thought we would never sea land again, yet here it is. The shore of a new world, a new opportunity for us and our people. However, that tower proves this world is or was inhabited. We must send a small group to explore, safely armed to deal with possible hostile natives. I myself will go, but I cannot go alone. Volunteers are needed for this, all volunteers should raise their hands.”

The men looked around, hoping others would volunteer so they wouldn't have to. After a few seconds a few men raised their hands. Ligen motioned for them to come to his office. Once all of them arrived in the office the captain smiled at them. “Brave men, I will not lie to you, this expedition holds a high degree of risk. To compensate for this you will receive a slightly larger share of any profits we might gain. We need gold to make the natives more friendly, we need weapons to defend ourselves in case we are attacked. Gather your equipment and come to the rowboat at dusk.”

The volunteers did as they were asked, equipping their armor, made of leather because of the heat of the homeland, and the swords made of the mighty steel. Their weapons were decorated with the motto of the high sheriff of Galanreen: “May justice prevail” and had a small jewel at the tip of the handle. A few moments after they arrived at the rowboat the captain stood there, armored slightly more heavy and wielding his own sword instead of one of those supplied by the high sheriff. This sword was a few inches longer and the handle was made of white gold. The captain entered the rowboat just after his men did. The rowboat was lowered into the sea quite fast by the men remaining on Ligen's vessel.

The boat reached the shore in about an hour, the shore was empty except for a couple of birds and a single fox. Nonetheless the men were very careful as they left the boat, locking the things they had to leave inside it. When they looked around they saw the majestic trees and realized the tower was still many miles away. The explorers carefully left the shore and entered the jungle, finding a village quite soon. They looked at the captain to determine whether they should enter the village, at which he nodded and walked towards the gate and knocked on it.

InaVegt
2007-04-16, 10:29 AM
Could anyone please comment this?

InaVegt
2007-04-16, 03:38 PM
What do I have to do to get comments? Even an ‘it sucks’ or an ‘it's awesome’ would be nice.

ufo
2007-04-16, 03:52 PM
I had hoped to read it the whole day, but alas I was busy.

Okay, I'm tired and cannot go into constructive-mode, mind you.

I like the story generally. It would seem that you (and most other non-native English speakers, including me) have a problem finding the right words for a particular situation, making the text seem clumsy.

Also, at a few parts of the text, the narration was a bit quick. I was suprised to find out that they knocked on the gate, I didn't know there was a gate. Where the heck did it come from?!

Well, y'know what I mean. If I'm extra non-lazy tomorrow, I might edit this post to make it less stupid and more sense-giving.

It's a good story though, I like the idea. Reminds me of Spain and America. Go figure.

InaVegt
2007-04-16, 04:08 PM
I like the story generally. It would seem that you (and most other non-native English speakers, including me) have a problem finding the right words for a particular situation, making the text seem clumsy.This is something I'm a bit concerned with myself.


Also, at a few parts of the text, the narration was a bit quick. I was suprised to find out that they knocked on the gate, I didn't know there was a gate. Where the heck did it come from?!The village had a gate, as is not nonstandard in some cultures for villages.


It's a good story though, I like the idea. Reminds me of Spain and America. Go figure.That's going to change later on, this continent holds quite a bit of power. I was inspired by that part of history though.

Toastkart
2007-04-16, 05:52 PM
I liked it. It did have a few parts that seemed a little bumpy. I think mostly due to repetition of 'the men', especially in the last paragraph. If you varied your pronouns a little it might flow better.

InaVegt
2007-04-17, 05:17 AM
I liked it. It did have a few parts that seemed a little bumpy. I think mostly due to repetition of 'the men', especially in the last paragraph. If you varied your pronouns a little it might flow better.

Thanks, I'll try to work your suggestion in.

pingcode20
2007-04-17, 06:51 AM
On the whole, I like it.

I'd say the last paragraph feels a little awkward. It feels a bit too much like glossing over, and the knocking on the gate is a bit short.

You could probably draw out the last paragraph into two or three, and describe from all senses to flesh out the setting more.

EDIT: Perhaps describe the expedition a bit more, so you have a larger array of adjectives to use?