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View Full Version : Gamer Humor Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition III: Now with 50% more DigoDragon



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Sgt. Cookie
2015-04-12, 08:34 PM
Prior threads Here (1) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?280469-Campaign-Quotes-NO-CONTEXT-EDITION!) and Here (2) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?350188-Campaign-Quotes-No-Context-Edition-II-We-all-want-to-be-the-Majestic-12)

QUOTES from PTU (This is a Sci-Fi campaign. Think Firefly with pokemon and a HUUUUUGE crew. Though there are only about 4 that matter):

Characters:

Lucas: My guy. Thief, assassin, con artist. Partner is a Murkrow named Michal.

Talsi:Played by Nyan. Breeder, photographer, pokemon expert. Kinda naive. Her partner is a Phantump named Groot.

Izzy: Played by Luke. Made of poison, pretty much, due to him growing up on a polluted world. Partner is a Koffing called Hazmat.

Dane: Played by Corin. Engineer. Had genetic experiments done on him and now he can see Aura. Can also read minds and so acts as our translator. His partner is a Chespin called "Lil Lady".

GM: Rob. Our GM.

Other important characters: Captain Beckett (NPC) and Ida (Ship's rotom. Acts as the main computer. Talks via a thought-to-speech program).

Nyan's Polish (I think) and Corin's American. Rest of us a Brits. As such, this is played on Roll 20. Quotes are taken verbatim, but I'm correcting any spelling and grammar errors. (Capitals and such).


GM: You very, very clearly see everything on the ship, you can't really see anything out of place, but everything around you seems so clear! You're so impressed with this, like, usually when you've just woken up, everything's really blurry, but everything is so crisp. You remember exactly the way to your room.

Lucas: WE'RE KILLING IT! AND THROWING IT INTO A F-ING SUN! IZZY BACK ME UP HERE!
Izzy raises his thumb, very shakily.

Lucas: IDA
Ida: Mister Cantor.
Lucas: GET ME AN EMPTY SHELL AND THE FIREING COORDINATES FOR THE NEARBY SUN
Izzy: I gotta watch this.

Captain: This is a prime example of why Pokemon need to stay in their balls.
Ida: Duly noted Captain.
Captain: Shuddup Ida.
Michal just looks at Beckett
Michal (Pokespeak): Seriously, mate? I'm RIGHT HERE.
Dane: The bird is offended, Captain.

Michal (Pokespeak): MINE ARE THE WINGS THAT SHALL BITCH-SLAP THE HEAVENS!
Later on
Michal (Pokespeak): Mine are NOT thing wings that shall bitch-slap the heavens...

Lucas: Repeats a swear word a lot.
Talsi: Lucas, you really enjoy this word, right?
Lucas: IT'S APPLICABLE TO A WIDE VARIETY OF SITUATIONS.

Lucas: Can we assume we have your permission to attack it?
Talsi: YES!

Lucas: You know what? RUN AWAY!!!!!

Talsi: RUN AWAY. JUST PUKE AT BERGMITE AND FLY!

Izzy: Ok now I'm on the running plan.

Nyan (OOC): One Sneasel for each member, seven Sneasels for Dwarven kings, nine Sneasels for human warlords and one Weavile to rule them all in darkness.

Izzy: I ruthlessly poison innocents but eavesdropping... man that's low.

Izzy: Is this a freaking ballista? The hell they need this for?

Lucas: I failed science.

Rater202
2015-04-12, 10:55 PM
*Inhales New Thread smell*

Gear's Boyfriend:Gear, you're starting to get a bit creepy.

the OOD
2015-04-13, 01:46 AM
Leochou: hey, I'm precise, that situation just happened to require precisely the amount of explosives carried by the entire party.

PC1: hey, you know that supers game that [GM] is planing?
PC2: yeah, what about it?
PC1: I was thinking we could work together and make captain planet.:smallamused:
PC3: ohhh!
PC2: dibs on Earth.
PC1: I call Heart!
GM: why would you want Heart? heart sucks so much even the writers couldn't find a situation to make him useful.
PC1: think, if you wanted to make the world kneel before you with the power of Heart, how would you do it?
GM: honestly? give you Heart, then sit back and watch.
PC1: ...thank you.

Leochou: hang on, if Tesla is doing emergency brain surgery on the psion, who's plotting our course?
Tesla: I'm doing both.
Petra[OOC]: can you not do that while fixing my brain? :smalleek:
Leochou: new rule: no multitasking brain surgery and rocket science.

GrayGriffin
2015-04-13, 01:07 PM
Goethe: "Did it hurt?"
Goethe: "When you feel from Heaven?"
Nyctores: "THE FEEEEEEEEEEELS"
Felix: "Not you too..."
Theo: "Mystic Arte: Heaven's Feel!"
Masa: "I feel as if I'm missing something here..."
Felix: "I have a.... history..."

* Felix gives Masa a look over, and likes what he sees. (Mimic)
Felix: Felix has its Attack modified by 1 stages.
* Theo raises an eyebrow
Felix: Felix recovered 6 HP!
Felix: "Heal Pulse is handy."
Theo has received initiative.
Theo: "Heal Pulse. Right."

Bucky
2015-04-13, 01:25 PM
Lilybud: I'm not supposed to know that, because it's out-of-character information and I'm in character.
Lilybud: Whoops, did I kick the fourth wall a bit too hard?

Necroticplague
2015-04-13, 02:30 PM
Maya: Look, this is simple: you tell me where your supplier was, we just politely forget your name when we write up the debreifing. You don't tell me, and you tell my partner instead. After much gnashing of teeth and blood loss.
Idiot:F*** you, you think being a psyker with some nut on a short leash is gonna phase me? I got a cactus and some creative ideas where you can shove it written on it.
Maya: Whelp, Don't say I didn'y warn you. Hey Kreig, which of of you is up?
Kreig:.....it's me......
Maya:Good, I'm tagging out, meet me back at the bar when you have him singing his whole family history
Kreig:...ok...
*Maya exits, Kreig turns to face Idiot*
Kreig:...let's make this you tell me, or I go to sleep. then you have to deal with the other me, and neither of us want that...
Idiot:You'll get only what I told her. The instruction are very clear on the cactus.
Kreig:...you'lll regret that...
*Momentarily closes eyes for a moment, before jerking them open*
KREIG:CHOO-CHOO, CONDUCTOR'S PUNCHING TICKETS! DON'T WORRY, SCREAMS ARE ACCEPTABLE TOO!

Gopher Wizard
2015-04-13, 03:45 PM
Elf Wizard: I don't want to hurt you.
*proceeds to cast fireball, magic missile, and other harmful evocation spells at the NPCs*

Shnezz
2015-04-13, 04:00 PM
Cleric: *Splashes liquid on undead, which recoils in pain.*
Rogue: Was that holy water?
Cleric: I prefer to call it wight-out.
Rogue: *Groan*
Cleric: What? It helps fix clerical errors.
Rogue: *Louder groan.*

Sorcerer (In Cell): Hey, you there. Big guy. Throw me the key to my cell and I'll give you something when I get all my stuff back.
Barbarian (With intelligence rivaling that of a dog at a whole 3): Okay. *Hefts key. Hurls it with all his strength. Ranged attack, with weapon proficiency in heavy thrown.*
Dice: Natural 20.
The sorcerer was bloodied, and had a key-shaped scar until he could get it magically removed by the cleric.

blacklight101
2015-04-13, 04:14 PM
GM: You jump into the system from the final translation point. You are greeted with a pair of fleets doing their best to kill each other in orbit. As your sensors tune in to the chaos... P1, are you linked up with your MIU?
P1: yeah, through the Command Throne. Wouldn't want to leave that baby unhooked.
GM: ...as your sensors tune in, you feel something you have never felt from a machine before. Fear. This, right before you are struck blind.
P1: :smalleek:
rest of party: :smalleek::smalleek::smalleek: Oh, ****! Fixitfixitfixitfixit!


GM: Your sensor net has come back up. At further investigation, there seems to be one surviving fleet. The Chaos fleet was destroyed to a vessel, you believe- though it's hard to tell through some of the debris clouds. Looks like it was quite the fight.
P3: What survived of the other fleet?
GM: All of it. All six ships.
P3: But we detected 22 ships when we got here!
GM: Yes, Chaos was ROFLSTOMPed by the Dark Eldar who also detected your ship. You picked up 12 definite hulks and a debris field where a pair of their heavy cruisers used to be.
The Group: We need to go. NOW!

IZ42
2015-04-13, 04:39 PM
*sniffs* Mmmm... that new thread smell.

I promise to supply any funny quotes from Tomorrow's D&D session when I get there.

Sith_Happens
2015-04-13, 05:34 PM
Cleric: *Splashes liquid on undead, which recoils in pain.*
Rogue: Was that holy water?
Cleric: I prefer to call it wight-out.
Rogue: *Groan*
Cleric: What? It helps fix clerical errors.
Rogue: *Louder groan.*

Someone definitely worships Olidammara.:smallwink:

Gopher Wizard
2015-04-13, 05:52 PM
*elf wizard walks up to a rich noble*
elf wizard: You look like an exceptionally intelligent man.
bluff check: natural twenty
*elf wizard proceeds to cheat him in poker with a detect thoughts spell*

I made so much gold.:smallwink:

Recherché
2015-04-13, 07:26 PM
DM: No, I will not apply templates to tomatoes.

Martus: So do you guys beat up paladins and steal their lunch money often?
Valeria: No.
Albatross: Not regularly.
Nikolya: We like to save it for special occasions like weddings and funerals.

Nikolya: Wait is our boat Evil aligned?

Albatross: You would think that people in Golarion would know better than to attack an unarmed woman in a lace dress wandering around a bad part of town alone at night.
DM: Would you like to join the fight?
Albatross: Nah, Nikolya seems to be having fun.

Nikolya: Why is the only Evil aligned member of the party the one arguing against torture?

Dasgovernator
2015-04-14, 03:18 AM
Victor: "All I heard was Blah Blah Shiny Good thing go break it"
Val: "An ideology we can all get behind"

Victor: "Why don't people transport their golems in vats of acid?"

Victor: "The Valley is very peaceful if you don't count the screaming, burning, and pillaging"

DM: "You make it sound so creepy"
Val: "Well, I am about to sacrifice people to devil, or at least one of his subsidiaries. There's no way to make that not sound menacing"

DM: "[Your Ogre] is going through the streets pushing a large wagon, and throwing random people in it, like he's pushing a shopping cart down the aisles of a grocery store"

Victor: "If that doesn't work, I'll just throw orphans into the fire until it gets pissed at me"

DM: "So the Medusa walks into a group of people, dismisses her invisibility, then marvels at her new collection of statues"

Victor: "A +1 Throwing Greataxe. I think that's called a Dwarven Longbow"

NPC: "Anyone paying attention to the laws of the universe could rule it in its entirety. Which makes me sad, because it means no one is paying attention to what the laws of the universe are"

DM: "Phoenixes are, in fact, close genetic relatives to Octopuses"

Victor: "I know why your heart is disintegrating, I just can't do anything about it right now"

Victor: "Does it count as bleed damage if your brain is hemorrhaging inside your skull?"

DigoDragon
2015-04-14, 07:39 AM
*Looks at Thread Title* I am in awe. :smallredface:


Nikolya: Wait is our boat Evil aligned?

In one D&D campaign, our team ranger's backpack gained an evil alignment due to him leaving a cursed artifact in there overnight. Didn't change the backpack in any way, it just simply registered 'evil' on any alignment detection spell.


Victor: "A +1 Throwing Greataxe. I think that's called a Dwarven Longbow"

QFT. :smallbiggrin:


Viridia: “I dread to think of where she could have stored that potion... much less imbibed it.”
GM: “If there could be anyone who could hide something in a jail cell, it would be the jailor, right?”
Viridia: “Excellent point, voice inside my head.”

Noise: “You know, I sort of abandoned you all because of stuff like that. Constantly going from one messed-up place to the next.”
Doc: “Well, to be fair they’re all messed-up places in the wasteland.”

Viridia: “Doc isn’t coming to check on Livewire? How rude! Ten points from Hufflepuff.”

Stellar: “Doc, I’d guess more Hufflepuff than anything else. He cares, but he’s not especially badflank.”
Doc: “He’s been right in there with the fights and has held his own many times. He’s got some badflank in him!”
Viridia: “He sure showed that colt who was boss.”
Doc: “Humph! One day, Doc is gonna get his badflank day in the limelight. And it’s gonna be awesome! With blackjack and raiders!”

Stellar: “And now I'm thinking about the ghoul hooker you can bang in Fallout NV. Thanks for that.”
Viridia: “More of a Fisto gal, huh?”

Doc: “For the love of Luna’s left hoof, what do I gotta do to get fish in a port town?!”

Andante: “So… you did something stupid and you want comp?”
Doc: “Hmm? Nah, I had a fun time actually. Still mostly alive, aren't I? I’m just wondering when the bar opens. Seems like no one in this town sells fish at reasonable prices and I'm hoping they do here, ‘cause I might otherwise just eat this counter top.”

Viridia: “Yeah. And it was Doc Wagon. He got exploded earlier, too. He was trying to get a teddy bear, but there was a grenade under it.”
Glorious: “Where in Celestia’s name did you wander off to that you could stumble on a trap like that?”

Viridia: “It’ll be fun to play Viridia possessed by Snow.”
Doc: “...huh. That would be interesting. We probably wouldn’t even catch it at first.”
Viridia: “I know what you mea- Heyyy!”

Viridia: “It’s 10am Joyous y u so lazy?”
GM: “She’s been flying all day and night! Ghoul sleep patterns are weird.”
Doc: “Ghouls SLEEPING are weird.”

Viridia: “But necromancy is cool and cool people use it.”
Moon: “And thus Rarity is best pony?”

GM: “The door was jostled, just slightly, a knife impaling a letter into the door, and Moonshadow heard the sound of a set of hooves running down the hall!”
Moon: “Seeing the letter and knife, Moonshadow frowned, and pulled them down, reading the letter.”
Doc: “Oh, free knife!”

Viridia: “That letter was abhorrent. Whores get paid for sex. Penny did it for free. When will these people learn?!”

GM: “Doc was definitely voted ‘Most likely to kill lots of kids’ in his class.”
Doc: “But Supply didn’t tell Doc to stay put this time!”

Submortimer
2015-04-14, 11:30 AM
DM: "You look up into the chamber. You see a number of holes in the ceiling, though which the undead guards can vomit the remains of priests and pregnant woman on intruders."
Me: "I Walk into the chamber."
DM: "The gate closes behind you. The undead guards in the ceiling begin to Vomit the remains of Priests and pregnant women on you."

Red and Pleasant Land is a very odd and disturbing setting.

LadyFoxfire
2015-04-14, 11:43 AM
DM: Well, you don't have to roll very high, you're a dresser.

Steve: That's creepier than my eyebrows.

Kaida: (through message spell) Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily!
Lily: What's wrong, are you being attacked?
Kaida: No, I'm just bored. Hi!

GrayGriffin
2015-04-14, 01:00 PM
GM: As everyone gets near the exit the watches suddenly go haywire. "WARNING. WARNING. BREACH IMMINENT"
Everett:"Oh god."
Ryouta: Now is not the time...
GM: There's a sound like someone screaming in the distance.... which slowly gets louder. It silences with a loud THUMP
Coriander: "Legerdemain again?"
* Kenta 's eyes harden
GM: There's a second THUMP followed by a pained "AUGH"
Ryouta: Sounds like someone is being attacked!
Kenta: "We... we should probably check that out."
* Kenta moves in the direction the sounds are coming from
The watches suddenly shut off, as if there had been no breach in the first place.
* Ryouta moves as fast as he can towards the noise
* Everett begins tapping the screen furiously
Everett: "Oh nonononono don't you do that to me again
GM: The party reaches the exit of the subway tunnel to find the strangest thing- what looks like the perfect imprint of the human body about a foot deep into the ground.
* Kenta leans over, and peers into the imprint
Everett: "..."
Coriander: "...I thought that only happened in cartoons."
Everett: "That... looks like something from loony toons"
* Coriander manages a weak laugh.

And then after the cops showed up...

Clara: "We were supposed to meet a colleague of ours around here somewhere to exchange information." she looks rather annoyed. "Unfortunately, it looks like they skipped on us."
* Kenta is trying to herd the group past them
* Everett points at the hole
Everett:"Were they shaped like that?
Clara: "Unfortunately, we don't know. We've never met them."
Coriander: "Like I said, probably a prank."
Hu: "But that is a possibility! Perhaps he made an impression on the ground here."
Hu: "Of course, that hardly answers why..."
Everett: "You could say he's a farily impressive idividual?"
Hu: "That would be a good outline."
* Kenta has visible strain on his face now, and anyone close to him can hear grinding enamel
Everett: "Perhaps the two of us can see how deep this mystery goes?"
* Coriander gives Everett and Hu a part-amused mostly-exasperated look, before placing a hand on Everett's arm.
Kenta: "Officer, we can't stay and talk. I hope you find out what happened to your contact. Everett, let's go."
Hu: "No need for you kids to dig into it."
* Clara groans
Clara: "Please, stop, before I punch something."
Coriander: "Come on. My mom said she was going to have snacks for us!" That last bit goes a bit too high and perky, perhaps.
Everett: "We weren't digging, it just sort oF Dropped IN"
* Everett says as Kenta drags him off
Clara: "All of you stop before I have to get my hands dirty- oh damn, now I'm doing it..."

DigoDragon
2015-04-14, 02:13 PM
* Kenta has visible strain on his face now, and anyone close to him can hear grinding enamel

Grinding enamel is one of those sounds I often enjoyed after assaulting my players with bad puns. :smallbiggrin:

GrayGriffin
2015-04-14, 04:25 PM
Grinding enamel is one of those sounds I often enjoyed after assaulting my players with bad puns. :smallbiggrin:

It wasn't just that. We also had one of our party members "die" in the last session (Everett and Ryouta were unconscious), so Kenta is in no mood for this kind of joke.

On a lighter note, some ship-teasing fun from that session:

* Kenta reaches over and grabs Cori's hand, only the faintest hint of a blush at the edges of his ears.
Kenta: "We're going to make this right Cori. I promise."
* Coriander starts, but then smiles and squeezes back.
Coriander: "Yeah. We'll do it."

Coriander: "Huh. Your eyes were glowing just then."
* Coriander leans in closer for a bit, before backing away
Coriander: "Glow's gone now, though."
Kenta: "They were? I... uh..." Kenta blushes fiercely when Cori leans in.

Kenta: "It... it's saying that I'm an Aura Guardian."
* Everett leans over Kentas shoulder
Everett: "Congratulations, Kenta evolved into Lucario?"
* Kenta nods blankly
Dan: (( pfft ))
Everett: "I feel like I should be more surprised"
Coriander: "Hopefully not literally. I like you the way you are. Not that Luca isn't pretty in her own way."
There's suddenly a knock at the back door.
* Everett says with a jaded, worn out sort of expression
Kenta: "Or something like that. No wonder it felt like my emotions were being... channeled. Apparently I..." Kenta blushes at the comment, before turning jerkily at the knock.

And other entertaining bits:
Coriander: "Does this writing look familiar to you? It looked like what was on the Sky Plate to me..."
* "Archie" fiddles with the watch for a moment, but nothing seems to happen. "Hm. It's likely that only Peter can use it, from the looks of things."
"Archie": "Oh, hey, I remember this."
"Archie": "I still can't believe people made a language out of my old doodles."
Coriander: "Doodles?"
Kenta: "Old... doodles? According to Cori's Grandma, this is the language of magic itself."
"Archie": "Well... I am a God. I suppose I should have been more careful back then."

"I can't believe ye talked him away from a fake knife on yer neck. Yer supposed ta get what ya need and not take no fer an answer"
* Coriander shrugs
Coriander: "I've dealt with unruly customers before, you know."
"A bloody -Ninja- is supposed ta be a bit more scary than that, aye?"
Coriander: "Oh, a ninja? Is that what you are? But weren't they more about infilitration and stealth anyways? NOT direct confrontation?"

???: "Who got corrupted!?"
Coriander: "But...fine, I guess. You really do seem mostly harmless."
Coriander: "Your Pokemon's a bit more imposing than you, as a matter of fact."
Coriander: "Still, it isn't nice to lead a guy on, so..."
Coriander: "Turn around."
???: Answer the question mo...
* ??? turns around
Suddenly, ??? find himself lifted into the air by a not-so happy looking man with sunglasses
"Archie": "Is there a problem here?"

Gopher Wizard
2015-04-14, 07:45 PM
half-orc barbarian: SHUT UP! PILLOWS CAN'T TALK!!!

Erth16
2015-04-14, 09:38 PM
DM: So does anyone else think it is weird for a guy named Suicide Sam to be a lvl 8 fighter?

Lyn: I raise my sword and sorrow overtakes them, as they fall into an unstable wreck and begin wildly flailing as their heirs have died. It dealt 18 damage.
Caeda: And my fire breath did 5.

Lyn: Ok, I'll go this way, and take those 9 sub humans and my servants, Straid and Greg the Howler, Sub Human, you take those 9 sub humans and go that way, Sub Sub Human, you take the rest of the sub humans and go that way.
Caeda: I am a dragon, not a sub human.
Robespierre: And I am a warforged, not a sub sub human, you filthy fleshbags.
Lyn: I reprogram the sub sub human to be less racist to humans, and more racist to sub humans.
Robespierre: My racism dial for fleshbag scum was already turned to its lowest.

Lyn: I glare, really sternly at the guy chanting, from across the battlefield.
Director: He slows down tremendously, but is not outright stopped due to the wall of gore between the two of you.
Lyn: Good enough. "Sub humans, finish this quick, I've fought to my limit."

Lyn: So now the character whose power is that she has special eyes, due to overuse of her powers, developed heterochromia. Great.

russdm
2015-04-14, 11:52 PM
From a game session quite a while ago)

"It's a glyph of warding with cloudkill that doesn't harm halflings."

"Who is it? Who's there?"
"Umm, Ted. I'm new."
"oh, okay. Hi ted. what is that?"
"I am a halfling that got turned into a newt by a witch."
"uhh, okay. Whats his name?"
"Umm, Phil."
"I'm new, can you tell me about this operation?"

"We need to pee."
"Hey, i just got here shortly. somebody told me that the cave started to collapse, in the privy and here in the kitchen and in the loot room."
"Darn, we really need to pee."
"Try going outside. there some bushes and trees. There are some dangerous elves out there."
"Those elves are dangerous and want to kill halflings. Beware the Trees. The Elves are Trees!Don't use the trees, they are Elves!"
Party: What??
"I am totally using that."

Me: "I shove his head in the soup."
E: "You succeed, he starts screaming."

"Hey, Anne, i want you for my cohort."
"What? Are you proposing to me?"
"What the F? What do you mean?"
"Thats how it works."
"crap, fine i guess."
"Dearly Eviled, we are gathered here today..."

Cuthbert: "Hail, servant."
ME: "Hail, Master! Forgive your servant for his assocation with [blake's character], the pyschotic elf mage."
Cuthbert: "It's cool. You will need your pyschotic elf mage until the end. Don't tell any of the others what i am going to tell you."
Me: "Okay. What do you have to tell me?"
Cuthbert: "People that you know from home have (are) gone."
Me: "Well, some people were killed by the halflings bandits, and some were saying they were going on vacation. Are they gone because the halflings killed them or gone for another reason?"
Cuthbert: "No, they are gone and not killed by halflings."
Me: "Can you tell me why or how?"
Cuthbert: "No. That's something you need to find out."
Me: "Great, thanks for telling me some semi-useless information. Can you tell me anything actually useful or helpful?"
Cuthbert: "Don't tell your party members what i told you. and keep the crazy elf mage alive, you will need him later."
Me: "yeah, i got that the first time."
Cuthbert leaves.
Me: "Bloody annoying."

"You should come with us, you die in here" (the cave/mine)
"I don't know."
"You get killed by spiders and we find your body."
"...."
"You spend fifteen years alone, then the spiders kill you. You should come with us. That way, the spiders don't kill you and you aren't lonely for years."
"uhhhh, i will ask Pelor in the morning."
"Pelor says to help you out and go with you."

IZ42
2015-04-15, 12:09 AM
Mokan: Introducing: Marvin the Mecha Mantis! At level 7 he gets free face chewing when he grabs someone!
GM: That's only mildly horrifying.

[Far Away, Super loud voice]Dwarf: Surrender!
[Normal Voice]Belos: You surrender? I accept!
[Doesn't hear]Dwarf: You have 10 minutes!
Belos: You have 5!

Mokan: *Quadrilingual cursing*

Mokan: You should write FU in Sparkles.

Clarisa: I'll be our representative.
Mokan: Then let me teach you some "Diplomatic Phrases" in my tongue. You know, to get on their good side.

Clarisa: Alright, I'm going over there to negotiate. Don't worry, if they take me out, they're coming with me.
Mokan: When in doubt, Goblin.



It should be pretty obvious who I am by now.

DigoDragon
2015-04-15, 08:10 AM
Moon: “Well first step is getting Penny to calm down and not flee in a blind panic, which is proving much harder than I expected.”
Doc: “Is it harder or easier than Doc getting to First Base?”

Viridia: “Y’all are making this too complicated. We can simply seduce the other towns into doing what we want.”
Moon: “I’m worried that ends with Viridia going all Helen of Troy on the Wasteland.”
Doc: “Why? Just put a ‘no giant gift horse’ clause in the town charter and we'll be okay.”

Viridia: “I think making a map for this campaign will be fairly easy. You just need to find any map, then write the word 'Jerks (http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/digoraccoon/426506/45829/45829_original.png)' on every single landmark.”

Doc: “I think Moonshadow would be the first pony I’ve met to say anything significantly good about the Enclave.”
Moon: “I’m also likely the only pony that you met who has actually interacted with the Enclave.”
Doc: “Meh, that’s not an important detail.”

Moon: “She isn’t really using logic here, just repeating 'It’s too dangerous!' again and again.”
Doc: “Suffering a Bethesda NPC glitch with her dialog, are you?”

Viridia: “Nothing makes me happier than a critical failure on a pointless roll.”
Doc: “So if Doc was born a girl He’d be your favorite?”
Viridia: “You fail on every roll. It’s not special unless it’s pointless.”
Doc: “Not every roll. He can handle his gun pretty well.”

GM: “If Doc was suspecting some sort of hidden bunker, or a pre-war zebra hiding place, or a super-secret fun club-house, Doc found none of that.”

River Moss: “"Yeah, exploding griffons before noon? This day’s gunna be a weird one, an’t it?”

Doc: “Well, we could either mess with a dragon, or mess with radiation.”
Moon: “My vote’s for radiation. It at least won’t take things personally.”

Moon: “With our luck, they’d assign Tirkes to Oakville. No thank you.”
Doc: “What, is Tirkes too cheerful for you?”

Amadi: “I apologize for the smell. I have discovered you really cannot create a better mouthwash.”

Doc: “I am now pondering what I could bribe Joyous Noise with to get her to come along on the ship expedition.”
Viridia: “A punch in the face from me?”
Doc: “Um... that seems like the opposite of a bribe.”

GM: “To be clearer, Viridia found a gun from a country with the aesthetics of the Imperium of Man. Like, full on ‘the elevator music is ethereal Latin chanting’ militaristic gothic style.”

Moon: “…Or whatever the crazy war thing in storage is.”
Doc: “A 170-year old cake with the remains of the pony equivalent of Marilyn Monroe?”
GM: *Scratches out encounter in an office in the ghoul part of town on the possible encounters list*

Doc: “Radiation can at least be cured quickly with meds. Can’t cure having a Guns skill of 11% right now.”
Viridia: “Unless...we put Noise in a Rock-It Launcher! How much damage does a pony do?”

Doc: “…Considering Doc is the slowest flyer due to having a flight rank of [No].”

Sith_Happens
2015-04-15, 10:02 AM
Lyn: So now the character whose power is that she has special eyes, due to overuse of her powers, developed heterochromia. Great.

Did someone say "special eyes?"

http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/292/9/b/i_have_special_eyes_meme__by_stevenstar777-d6r4ba7.jpg

Inevitability
2015-04-15, 10:40 AM
Monk: I eat the magic fruit!
Me: Fine *rolls*. You feel your body changing, shrinking, twisting. Your body hair disappears almost entirely, and you are overcome by a desire to establish your identity by rebelling against society.
Monk: :smalleek:
Me: In mechanical terms; you just 'ate' a Potion of Longevity, which reduced your age by 9. You are now exactly 13 years old.
Party: *arrives*
Monk: Hang on guys, I can totally explain this.
Me: Roll to avoid voice crack.

DigoDragon
2015-04-15, 10:46 AM
Did someone say "special eyes?"

Ahhh! :smalleek:



Me: Roll to avoid voice crack.

LOL! That's the best kind of roll-- the ones for strangely specific purposes not normally encountered in a game.

Gopher Wizard
2015-04-15, 11:29 AM
elf wizard: (after days of in-game research) I'm going to make a golem out of Oreo cookies!
human cleric: You can't do that.
elf wizard: Why not?
human cleric: Because the dwarf will just eat it.
dwarf fighter: You know he's right.
DM: Worst part is he'd probably go up a level from eating it too.

goto124
2015-04-15, 06:35 PM
Viridia: “I think making a map for this campaign will be fairly easy. You just need to find any map, then write the word 'Jerks (http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/digoraccoon/426506/45829/45829_original.png)' on every single landmark.”

This is a great map :smallbiggrin:


Doc: “He can handle his gun pretty well.”

That's what she said. Still waiting for Mirror...

Dasgovernator
2015-04-16, 12:32 AM
*Looks at Thread Title* I am in awe. :smallredface:

You know this means we expect even more content out of you, right?:smalltongue:

Kordan: "What's this new skeleton?"
Grey: "No one--I mean, nothing"

Kalibar: "We're not being evil, we're being cultural respectful. Not settling things with violence would be offensive to their beliefs, you filthy racist."

MesiDoomstalker
2015-04-16, 01:11 AM
Krusk: Krusk is good interior decorator. Little Green Man helped too. Too bad Little Green Man can't admire our work.

DigoDragon
2015-04-16, 07:51 AM
That's what she said. Still waiting for Mirror...

Heh. :smallbiggrin:

Mirror has... taken an odd turn recently. Not sure if Doc's loyalties are being tested or if the relationship is broken. It's really up in the air.



You know this means we expect even more content out of you, right?:smalltongue:

Guh, there's some pressure right there. Well I better take more notes. :3

Sith_Happens
2015-04-16, 11:11 AM
Heh. :smallbiggrin:

Mirror has... taken an odd turn recently. Not sure if Doc's loyalties are being tested or if the relationship is broken. It's really up in the air.

Taaaaaaaaake the peeeeeeeeerk...

DigoDragon
2015-04-16, 01:42 PM
Taaaaaaaaake the peeeeeeeeerk...

*Snerk* I'm waiting on the level up! XD


These were from a different RP forum, so not canon to the campaign--

Doc: *Has a changeling in a headlock*
Terry: "Y'know, ah like your spirit Doc, but arn't you supposed to be savin' lives more than taking them?"
Doc: "I've had my bad days!"

Terry: "What you ponies came across sounded an awful lot like the 'Food Processing Plant' in Quake II."
Doc: "Luckily we did not have the grinding machines there. The creature that lived in that place could tear a pony apart all on its own though."
Terry: "That's... that's even worse!"
Doc: "I actually befriended it! It said it would eat me last because I was an amusing little pony that was somewhat smart."
Terry: "But it still said it was gonna eat you, just eat you last!"
Doc: "Yes, but maybe, just maybe, it'll get indigestion before getting to me and thus I'll get a chance to escape."
Terry: "...you're way too optimistic about this situation. I swear, you are like Louis from Left 4 Dead."

AdmiralCheez
2015-04-16, 10:58 PM
Not that many tonight, as we actually talked a lot sense for once.


Bard: No, don't be disappointed at the empty field. It's like you've slain an army of potential enemies for us. Good work.


Druid: To bear is human.


Half-Orc: I will not take technical advice from an elf!
Fighter: Hey, I managed to get Skype working on an eight-year-old macbook running Windows XP with no battery. That says a lot about my technical expertise!
DM: Yeah, it says you're needlessly complicated, much like your character build.

Dexam
2015-04-16, 11:16 PM
Viridia: “I think making a map for this campaign will be fairly easy. You just need to find any map, then write the word 'Jerks (http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/digoraccoon/426506/45829/45829_original.png)' on every single landmark.”
What about bison in Fo:E, or are they all...
:smallcool:
... jerky?


Mirror has... taken an odd turn recently. Not sure if Doc's loyalties are being tested or if the relationship is broken. It's really up in the air.

Isn't Mirror a pegasus? Surely an 'up in the air' relationship status is a good thing? :smalltongue:

Dasgovernator
2015-04-17, 01:57 AM
Ron: "My philosophy is that if someone doesn't look like a succubus, you haven't had enough to drink yet."

Manuel Bey (Blaster Wizard): "I'd be perfectly willing to fight you 'unarmed', but I don't think this bar would survive"

DM: "No, by the rules you can continue until you fall unconscious via repeatedly hitting yourself in the groin with a metal bar"

DM: ". . . You just dealt a single point of dex damage to your groin"

Voren: "It is a masterful move I have perfected over and over again in my years of adventuring. Nothing in the world is as fortuitous"

Manuel Bey: "I don't think he 'knocks them off the cliff'. That implies they're alive when they hit the water"

DigoDragon
2015-04-17, 07:14 AM
What about bison in Fo:E, or are they all...
:smallcool: ... jerky?

Bravo. XD


Isn't Mirror a pegasus?

She's a unicorn. Her magical talent is creating crystals, which can be useful in many application from sculpting figurines, to crafting simple piercing weapons, to partially encasing others so that they can't move (or counter-spell if Mirror hits another unicorn's horn with crystal). It is pretty swanky.


Viridia: “Doc! Please save Viridia from The Snuggles!”
GM: “There is no escaping The Snuggles! None can escape The Snuggles!”
Doc: “I’m trying, but Mr. Mason has a +2 in cranky old man explanations. Okay, this’ll probably be the last question I’ll ask and then I’ll go rescue Viridia from the Nookie Monster.”

Moon: “Moonshadow brain dumb. Distracted by pretty pony.”
Doc: “Pfft, trying being Doc.

GM: “Penny has all the delicate hoofwork of a drunken rhino.”

Doc: “So is the lead one like a half-goat?”
GM: “Nope! He's full something.”
Doc: “Or full of something.”
GM: “Cans, possibly.”

Viridia: “Am I the only one who read this like it was from a romance novel?”
GM: “Insert Joyous Noise having the 'skin of a killer' joke here.”
Viridia: “More like the skin of a couch.”

Doc: “Doc had a very confused look on his face. The kind where his mouth hung slightly open and one eyebrow was just a few hairs higher than the other. It was the kind of expression only reserved for moments such as a friend growing a second head, the Enclave showing up in clown outfits, and Viridia pulling out a silver tooth from a bag pocket.”

Viridia: “Tea is the second most horrifying thing in this game so far.”

Moon: “Seems needlessly risky.”
Doc: “What, you mean riskier than our usual par?”

Penny: “Why are you asking? Of course you can kiss me. Do it, filly!”

Doc: “It's like I'm the only pony in this town who remembers how to smile without provocation.”
Moon: “Eh, she's a foal. Rest secure in your superiority as an adult that you know better than her.”

Iris: “My name's Iris. I was asleep. Wait, you're both ponies? That's adorable! Two chubby little ponies...hey, are either of you fat? That'll be great.”
Moon: “No, we are not. All the chubby ponies are in proper homes, but I take it that means you aren't a pony, so what are you, if you don't mind me asking?”
Iris: “If you just open the door, you'll know! Come on, can't you take a joke? That was a joke. Ponies are too fattening away, because I could just open a big thing of butter and eat that instead of a leg and have the same effect on my figure. A moment on the lips and all that. …So, I just found out that this place has a movie collection. Who wants to watch Yellow Submareine while completely baked?”

Iris: “Ponies like cake, right? That's a food group for you all, isn't it?”

GM: “The figure filled the whole doorway. Iris was a dragon; a lanky creature three ponies tall and looking like she was made of long.”

Iris: “You are so chubby. You're like a fuzzy dough ball. How can you live being so cute?”

Stellar: “Let me just say I really regret googling 'chubbutts'.”

Doc: “This is a crime against childhood that must be broken! I must find some crayons and construction paper!”

LokiRagnarok
2015-04-17, 01:39 PM
I love Iris :3

GrayGriffin
2015-04-17, 02:07 PM
"You know, for a moment there I thought Nyc was going to revive Masa at full HP with no injuries. But nope, just 'Olympus...you monster!'"
"That would have been nice."
"Well, it's not his turn yet, right? So we can wait and see."

DigoDragon
2015-04-17, 02:31 PM
I love Iris :3

Iris is all kinds of amusement. What's not to love about a stoned dragon? :D



"You know, for a moment there I thought Nyc was going to revive Masa at full HP with no injuries.

I kept thinking Nyc was 'New York City'. :smalltongue:

Anonymouswizard
2015-04-17, 03:03 PM
DM: originally he didn't know the demon's name, but due to your critical success on sense motive, God literally reaches down and places the name in his head.

Alexander (priest wannabe): I try compel demon. *critical success.
DM: if that roll had been ANYTHING ELSE you would have got the information.

Letus (damned operative): you are a damned operative, and your job is to get an education.

DM's wife: antipope, the game begins and you all excommunicate reach other as you are the one true pope.

EDIT:
DM's wife: let's go to Las Vegas!
Letus's player: it would be filled with greed demons.
Me: but all the casinos are owned by humans, the greed demons keep losing money.

TheZereth
2015-04-17, 10:33 PM
Here is a fresh one from a campaign I am in:

Kaktus: "I believe you removed a severed head from the mage. I need it back. For religious reasons."
Captain: "I don't believe you."
Kaktus: "Alright, here's the truth. His name is Dave. And he is my lover.
I hope you won't judge us for our dwarf-head relationship"

Inevitability
2015-04-18, 06:13 AM
Wizard: Don't worry, I have a plan.
Monk: Is it Evil and/or Chaotic?
Wizard: Nope and nope. What made you think that?
Me: Faith in humanity restored.

JAL_1138
2015-04-19, 07:02 AM
Me: My mother asked me once if all my friends jumped off a bridge, would I jump in after them. I said no at the time, but here I am...given that I just got stabbed half to death, nearly drowned, and got cursed by an angry sea-goddess, sorry Mom, I should've listened.

D.KnightSpider
2015-04-19, 08:02 AM
Reeves: I remember when you were this nice, mousy little librarian with nerd glasses. Now you're a cold-hearted super-spy assassin with a working knowledge of poisons that terrifies me. What happened to you?
Lisa: I had a bad day.
Reeves: That's it?
Lisa: All it takes is one bad day to lure the quietest woman in the world to murder.


Ray: 'Cause ya had a bad day. You're taking me down. Ya rolled a nice crit to put me in the ground...


Ray: It's like some bad DOS start-up screen... INTERNAL ORGAN CHECK: OK.


Lisa: Everybody ready?
Reeves: Sniper rifles: Check. Dynamite: Check. Hacking skills: Check. Armor: Check.
Ray: Ass-kicking: Check. Bubblegum: Negatory!


Reeves: I've got a fistful of dynamite just itching to go up that guy's tailpipe.
Ray: Talk about an earth-shattering ka-boom.


Lisa: Fun fact: a silver bullet isn't the only way to kill a werewolf. Regular lead works just fine. You just have to make up in quantity what you lack in quality.

DigoDragon
2015-04-19, 08:12 AM
Doc: “I have experience with cutting myself on ice. It's not cool. ...well, it is (because ice) but you know what I mean.”

GM: “You mean Livewire?”
Viridia: “That's a good point. And we already know Livewire wanted to jack Doc's wagon.”

Viridia: “"Hi. I'm Dementia Ravenway. I'm a ‘Come to Lifer’.”

GM: “Iris has personal space issues, in that she thinks ponies are basically walking toys and can be treated accordingly.”
Moon: “I have no idea what I'm doing.”
Viridia: “Please be nice to her, Moon. Viridia hasn't slept with a dragon yet.”
GM: “You’re supposed to slay the dragon!”
Viridia: *HugeGrin.jpeg*
Doc: “Wow... uh, that's... well I guess it wasn't said what kind of toys Iris treats ponies as...”

Doc: “You've kept my gun shiny when I asked you to service it at Abbaas.”
Viridia: (In Takei voice): “Oh myyyy!”
Doc: “That... okay I didn't notice the wording on that statement.”
Viridia: “Glad to help.”

Moon: “It is pretty awesome, but at this rate I might end up needing to be rescued from a dragoness that doesn't want to let her ponies leave.”
Doc: “Good luck with that. Stellar doesn't know where you are and Viridia is gonna want to bed the dragon. Your rescue is dependent on Doc.”

Viridia: “We should get vehicles at some point. Like, four motorcycles. And a sidecar for Captain Jack.”
GM: “But everyone can fly, though. Except for Doc. So he could pull the ground chariot or something? Ehh.”
Doc: “Why can't Doc just get a magic jetpack?”
Moon: “You know there's a pegasi ability that lets us leave a trail of fire behind us? Just food for thought.”
Doc: “Sounds like Thai food for thought.”
Moon: “You are a horrible pony.”

Viridia: “I'm going to start writing mini-stories for Viridia while I'm in this conversation. The first story features time travel, a bowl of custard, vampires, and George Takei.”

Doc: “Some days you just can't return a cook pot!”

GM: (Impersonating Viridia) “I said I was a doctor of love!"
Viridia: “Ph.D. Certified in love-ology!”

Livewire: “That's when I dropped a pen and then, uh, I went under the desk and then I woke up on some rubble outside her room.”

Moon: “I think they got drunk and did some drunken paperwork, the only way to explain that.”

Doc: “Harry Potter fan theory number three: House Hufflepuff are stoners. I immediately had this thought of Doc and Iris sharing a joint.”
GM: “Naw, they're black ops.”
Doc: “I don’t feel so bad being shuffled into Hufflepuff now. I got a silenced pistol, ranks in Stealth, and knowledge of anatomy weak points. I’m partway there!”

TurboGhast
2015-04-19, 11:01 AM
From a 5e game, that stalled out. It was very fun, though

Shannarria: Near crazy wood elf ranger.
Himo: Wood elf monk.
Hochimay: Halfling rouge.
Frank: Halfling wizard.


Shannarria: I run into the building in order to loot it.
DM: You run into the building and see a lot of smoke. The building is on fire.
Shannarria: I forgot to check for that.

DM: Your turn, Frank!
Frank: I fire a ray of frost to put out the fire.
DM: The fire is put out, and Himo loses his concealment.
The kobolds take their turn. *Roll roll roll* Himo dies.

DM: So you want to jump onto the moving dragon, with no way down from it, and this roll is at disadvantage since you are already under revival sickness from dying earlier today?
Himo: Yeah! *Roll* 3.
DM: You instantly die.
Himo: Via fall damage?
DM: It's 15d6 falling damage and you are level one. There is no way you can survive that mechanically.

Shnezz
2015-04-19, 12:16 PM
"At what point did you think it would be socially, morally, ethically, or in any other way acceptable to attempt to sell my soul without asking me first?"
"I was planning on killing the demon AFTER I got what I wanted, but BEFORE it ate your soul."

"Where's the rogue? ... Where are my pants?!"

"I don't care how many times you ask me, even if you are of a small creature size, I will not give you a dire ferret as a mount."
"Not that kind of mount-"
"I KNOW WHAT KIND OF MOUNT YOU MEANT."

"I make a strength check to burst through the door."
*Not high enough*
"Ow. ****. I make a strength check to burst through the wall."
*Natural 20*
"Don't you dare-"
"OH YEAH!"

Anonymouswizard
2015-04-19, 12:27 PM
"I make a strength check to burst through the door."
*Not high enough*
"Ow. ****. I make a strength check to burst through the wall."
*Natural 20*
"Don't you dare-"
"OH YEAH!"

One of these days, when this happens to me, my reply shall be:

'As you look closer, you realise that the entire wall is made of doors.'

Sith_Happens
2015-04-19, 04:00 PM
Hi. I'm Dementia Ravenway.

:eek:

http://media.moddb.com/images/groups/1/3/2055/1272143500915.jpg


GM: “You’re supposed to slay the dragon!”

http://rs1img.memecdn.com/I-told-you-to-slay-the-dragon-not-lay-it_fb_125321.jpg


Doc: “Some days you just can't return a cook pot!”

This line right here (or any variation thereof). I knew the thread was still missing something and it turns out this was it.:smallcool:


One of these days, when this happens to me, my reply shall be:

'As you look closer, you realise that the entire wall is made of doors.'

#FifthEditionProblems

IZ42
2015-04-19, 04:10 PM
http://rs1img.memecdn.com/I-told-you-to-slay-the-dragon-not-lay-it_fb_125321.jpg
http://i1305.photobucket.com/albums/s546/Ahriman_Raven/Roleplaying%20Demotivators/Bards_zpsaebc8060.jpg

ZeroGear
2015-04-20, 05:57 AM
Conventions are fun. Not quite the Magnificent 12, but the Random 11 should do!

DM: You get a call from Knight Errant
Rath3 Rabbit: Oh uh, I knew I shouldn’t have blown up that doughnut shop.

Demon: You can call me Demon
Mookie: I knew a guy named Demon, was a bit of an A**-hole

Lady J: Damn, Lone Star got Tazzed!

DM: These guys have disturbed your waffles.
Blitz Trigger: Dammit!

Demon: Ok, family restaurant, suppression mode is probable not a good idea,
DM: I can guarantee that you will kill small children and women.

DM: From that 9 damage…1 gets though.
Rath3 Rabbit: That’s sad.
DM: Troll.
Demon: I’m popular.

DM: The shed, as you approach, smells kinda bad.
Demon: Menure bad?
Rath3 Rabbit: Or dead body bad?
DM: It is described as the horrible stench of death.
All: Dead body bad.

Rath3 Rabbit: Meanwhile, we hear ‘thud’, ‘shuwp’ ‘bzzt’, “eeeeyaooowww!’.
Demon: …maybe.

Rath3 Rabbit: Ok, who wants to go down the creepy tunnel first?

Rath3 Rabbit: So, the lights went on, and her lights went out?
Blitz Trigger: It’s and inverse light switch!

Rath3 Rabbit: Anything else in the room?
DM: unfortunately, nobody got the six hits required to notice the mist pouring out of the crack before the vampier coalesces.
Demon: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
DM: Roll initiative.



Blitz Trigger: What is the worst that could happen at a waffle house?
Rath3 Rabbit: DON’T ASK THAT!!!!

Redbone: I text back “are you a hot lady?”
Hellen: “I don’t wear shoes”.
Redbone: “…what’s your shoe size?”

Demon: How noxious is this stuff to, you know, us?
Sid: Just don’t drink it.

Sid: You wanna go for the six-pound flapjack ,you go for it buddy.
Demon: I already did that… Twice.

Redbone: Dammit, and I was hoping to disguise myself.
Demon: I’m sorry, I solved your problems with WallMart.

Hellen: Bear magic equals brain surgery.

Hellen: My spirit looks like a cloud with angry eyes.

Demon: I took other skills like gymnastics, survival, firearms...
DM: So you are a shadow runner who is not good at staying in the shadows?


Demon: The containment zone is dark, and full of dangers.
Rath3 Rabbit: Kind of like your closet.
Demon: You leave my closet out of this!

DM: There’s only one Lone Star officer sitting there, just waiving people though, like “F**k off”.
Demon: We “F**k off” without a fuss.

Demon: Let’s go find another hobo, and yeah, I’ll pull out a ham sandwich.
DM: Did any of you say you are bringing a ham sandwich?
Demon: I have a survival kit?

Hobo woman: A few years ago, people have been disappearing around here. Stay out of the building, it’s creepy.
Rath3 Rabbit: Now where have heard this scenario before?
Demon: I grimace at you. I grimace so hard! A grimace that blots out all other things!

Demon: We have no support, whatsoever.
Blitz Trigger: What are you talking about? We have each other.
Demon: We have no support, whatsoever!

DM: You know what gets me? The fact that this goes on to describe what the [spirit cockroach eggs] actually feel like.

Rath3 Rabbit: I am the shadow of death.
Blitz Trigger: And you are accompanied by Jojo the monkey.

DM: Not only do you fail to kick [the door] down, you put a nail though you foot.

Becky 99: I’m going to buy you a book called “Diplomacy for Idiots”.

Rath3 Rabbit: So, who’s going to knock?
Demon: Who’s knocking?
Rath3 Rabbit: We always knock, the question is: “how loudly?”.



Nightblade: We’re only out on a picnic. *beat* With guns.

Rath3 Rabbit: Did we just bring a walking glow-stick into a bug nest?

DM: It’s proboscis is going to do some probing, and not the fun kind.

Tempest: I have a giant mosquito spirit after me!
Rath3 Rabit: It only wants it’s yummy, yummy, magical juice drink.

Rath3 Rabbit: Why not send the drones to retrieve the girl?
DM: Girls, I mean Drones, have to have arms to retrieve things.
*beat*
DM: Granted, girls have to have arms too, but for different reasons.



————————————————
From a Vampire game:

Grey: Vampires, really?
Luke: I am standing in a room full of dead bodies with blood on the floor!

Luke: I pull out a lighter. *click* Ahhh! “drops the lighter* (<-newly awakened vampire)

————————————————
Random stuff from Ruins of Old Valkyrie:

“Hey guys, I’m back!”
“Oh, I forgot about you.”

“LET’S FIND THE WHATNOT!!!”

“For a rogue, you’re not doing a lot of sneak attack. Then again, it doesn’t really matter if you have the big, flaming spear of death!”

“I’ll steal form peoples houses, but I won’t steal form the museum. I’m not an animal!”

“You heal it to death.”

DigoDragon
2015-04-20, 08:02 AM
Shannarria: I forgot to check for that.

I would think that would be obvious, but then again the PC might have jumped the gun before the GM finished describing the scene. :3



"Where's the rogue? ... Where are my pants?!"

LOL, probably in the same place.



DM: unfortunately, nobody got the six hits required to notice the mist pouring out of the crack before the vampier coalesces.
Demon: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
DM: Roll initiative.

That sounds a lot like how many of my boss fights start. :smallbiggrin:

goto124
2015-04-20, 09:26 AM
Demon: I took other skills like gymnastics, survival, firearms...
DM: So you are a shadow runner who is not good at staying in the shadows?

By 'shadow runner' did he mean Shadowrun?

Cristo Meyers
2015-04-20, 10:24 AM
LOL, probably in the same place.


Not true... the pants could be on the character's head.

--

Player 1: Damn, I just signed a four-movie deal with that dog!
Player 2: Unless the second movie is going to be 'Skippy the Pinata' I think you're SOL.

LokiRagnarok
2015-04-20, 01:08 PM
By 'shadow runner' did he mean Shadowrun?

Yup, the rest of the quotes is clearly from Shadowrun, Lone Star and Knight Errant being Shadowrun "factions".

TheHoodedTeddy
2015-04-20, 01:53 PM
"If I have learned anything from religious education, it would be to never take a student loan."

Anonymouswizard
2015-04-20, 05:56 PM
A couple from a while ago (characters names used).

Alex: at least there isn't an erotic arts skill.
Sister Harker: best four character points I ever spent.
*Collective what*
Sister Harker: what? I had a reason, my character was in a relationship with another character. We ended up making competitive erotic arts rolls.
GM: yes, my wife and my best friend making competitive erotic arts rolls.

Sister Harker: at least it isn't GURPS sex.
Lutus: that exists!?
Sister Harker: yes, but not actually written by Steve Jackson.
Alex: at least it isn't fatal. Roll for anal circumference.
*insert description of fatal here*

Erth16
2015-04-20, 06:11 PM
Guard: What are you doing and who are you?
Randy: I'm Randy, and I'm the repairman. I was told that this lock and the tractor beam were malfunctioning.
Guard: Carry on then.
Chet: I didn't know you were a mechanic Randy.
Randy: I'm not, I just have a blowtorch so everyone believes me.
Chet: You even have a blowtorch!


Randy: What do you mean I'm not on the list, how could I not be? Have you seen my turtleneck?
Bouncer: Alright come on in.

Gm: You stab him so hard that your arm actually breaks from the force of it.
Chet: Man, Randy's gonna need to fix this later.
Gm: Randy doesn't actually have any mechanic skills you know.

Randy: Alright, now that I found them, I put on my fake mustache, sunglasses, and imperial uniform over my turtleneck, before barging in and saying in my most German accent "Gutennacht Herr officers, it is me, Captain Otto von Bismarck."
Gm: You are disguised perfectly, none of them notice that you even got your name wrong, before resuming the meeting.

Randy: Ok, I shoot the muscular one and use the force to pin the other three to the wall with the table.
Chet: I go in and get ready to shoot everyone
Randy: Wait Chet, I'm not actually an officer. It's me Randy, master of disguise!
Chet: Oh hey Randy, can you fix my arm?
Randy: Later, you finish these guys off, I'll go find the other officer.

Gm: Entering the club and just tossing money everywhere, you see the imperial captain, Eugene of Savoy enter the club. He looks exactly like Randy's, even including the turtleneck and fake mustache.
Randy: I go up to him and try and blowtorch him in his beautiful face.

Randy: Can I grapple him?
Gm: Let me find the grapple rules.
*A minute or two of flipping through the book*
Gm: Here we go, Grapple rules. "This system does not have specific rules for grappling."

Randy: I roll to fix his arm.
Gm: You succeed flawlessly.
Randy: Great, now he really thinks I'm a mechanic.

TurboGhast
2015-04-20, 06:25 PM
I would think that would be obvious, but then again the PC might have jumped the gun before the GM finished describing the scene. :3

That isn't the only time that happened:

Shannarria:You need to leave the roof and leave this to us since there's a dragon attacking!
Soldier:Um... My job is defending the castle.

Sith_Happens
2015-04-20, 06:27 PM
Randy: Can I grapple him?
Gm: Let me find the grapple rules.
*A minute or two of flipping through the book*
Gm: Here we go, Grapple rules. "This system does not have specific rules for grappling."

http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/clapping_joker_batman_dark_knight.gif

goto124
2015-04-20, 06:33 PM
Considering it was grapple rules, I expected something different...

DigoDragon
2015-04-21, 07:17 AM
Not true... the pants could be on the character's head.

...okay, I guess if the character was baked or something it could happen.
Carry on. :smalltongue:


Soldier:Um... My job is defending the castle.

I've had players like that too. They tell the guards to leave and I'm like 'But... they're paid to defend... why would you...?'
And of course they dismissed the one that had the key to get past the locked gate and no one had lockpicks. :smallbiggrin:


Penny: “So, we feed the dragon who likes us, and then we could have a dragon who likes us for at least the rest of the day.”

Doc: “After spending over 5 hours in the ER, I can see why Doc left his home town to pursue adventuring. Less of a wait time and the magazines are more up to date.”

GM: “Kentucky is easy to ponify.”
Doc: “Is the capitol city Derby?”
GM: “Derby City! Home of the finest coal fields south of Appleachia, Moohammad Ali, and the Kenbucky Derby! It has all the bourbon and tobacco fields and mines and pot farms and hospitals a person could want! The first four industries feed into the last one! It's a wonderful cycle, if you're a nurse.”

Doc: “I want to create a Mary Sue test that automatically adds +1000 points if an OC has a foal by Fluttershy.”

Doc: “Now what you do is take that rage and channel it through your hooves to one-shot Iris.”
GM: “Iris would dislike it if her new pillow punched her. That could hurt or something. I mean, really.”
Moon: “Bringing all new meaning to Pillow Fights.”

Doc: “Not eating your friends is still something that occasionally happens in the wasteland, right?”

GM: “Moonshadow found a moderate-sized can of FOOD. The can was a light grey and just had ‘FOOD’ printed on one side in big black letters. There was no indication of what it was, actually. Possibly, it was FOOD.”

GM: “FOOD. It's edible!”
Viridia: “Can I have FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, egg, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, bacon, FOOD and FOOD? My partner will have the same, but can she have it without the FOOD?”

Penny: “You ate that? That looks like... well, the definition of wasteland slop.”
Moon: “It might not be exactly that, but the rations that the Enclave gives recruits during Basic is pretty similar. The mystery of its contents is only matched by the horror of what it might actually be. Also the faint smell of corn, which is weird because I'm pretty sure we don't grow corn.”

Livewire: “Steeellllaarrrrr! Viiiirriiiiddiiiaaaaaa! Stooooppppp arguuuiinnggggg!”
Doc: “Okay now I know even less.”
Viridia: “Know even less of...?”
Doc: “What Livewire is trying to accomplish by yelling at Viridia and Stellar to stop arguing because it's causing a scene.”
GM: “She doesn't want the two pegusi to cause a scene by arguing with each other, because while she's looting the building's basement she doesn't want any of the townsfolk to think anything weird is going on.”

Viridia: “Its times like this that make me want to get exploded again.”

Doc: “My crack theory is that Penny is actually Snowflake polymorphed and we killed a doppleganger she created with alchemy. After a good act and getting some lovin', Snowflake will use her charm powers to dominate Iris and then come back to town with a dragon to extract her revenge on Viridia. ...and her little dog too! Mwahahaha!!”

Doc: “And Shade would of gotten away with it if it weren't for us meddlesome ponies and our little dog too.”
Moon: “Stop stealing all the good quotes!”

Viridia: *Hugs Livewire*
Livewire: “EEEEeeeee....” (Brain Shuts Down)
Doc: “Okay then. Viridia hugging Livewire surprised me.”
Moon: “She is a constant source of unpredictable hugs, punches, and kisses.”
Doc: “Yeah, but my odds of that third one are pretty small.”

GrayGriffin
2015-04-21, 01:49 PM
"Hey! What's up with all this words-and-friendship bullcrap?! How am I supposed to have a threatening hotsprings without some murder-monkeys?!"
Kenta: "Quite Jigsaw-lite. I'm diplomancing."
Fern: "You could make it boil people!"

Luke Goslin: Luke Goslin at your service dad!
Coriander: "DAD?"
* Luke Goslin pauses
Kenta: "Glad to meet you I'msorrywut."
Luke Goslin: Er... scratch that last part
Coriander: "Don't dodge the question, young man."
* Coriander covers her mouth at the last part.
Coriander: "ohgodimalreadyturningintomymother"
Everett: "You heard your mother, errrr--"
Kenta: "Guh... buh... huh... whaaaa?"
* Everett walks away slowly
* Shade facepalms
Dan: (( Ship, ship, ship, ship the members of the party~ ))

TurboGhast
2015-04-21, 07:40 PM
More quotes, same 5e game:

This was over more than one session.


Steve: Half-Elf Cleric. The same person who played Himo plays him.
Ander: Halfling monk. New player.


Ander: Hey, want some spices?
Shannaria: Are you nuts?
Ander: Bad guy, I hope you like spices!
Shannaria: I can't believe you're wasting time on this.

Shannaria: I take one of the daggers from the dead kobold.
DM: It's a 1d4 damage weapon.
Hochimay: Don't daggers normally deal 1d6?
Shannaria: So this is the puniest dagger in the world then.

Ander:Why are you threatening our prisoner with a dagger? We need to cut the meat with spices on it.
Prisoner: Why are you holding that knife? Are you going to cut the meat with it? Please don't, it's really dirty.
Shannaria, thinking: I need to get a rapier, this dagger isn't cutting it.

Prisoner:Wait, I'm captured! I need to run!

DM: The cultist, which is the same one you had captured earlier, slaps you. Make a CON save.
Shannaria: Failed it. Dang.
DM: You fall unconscious.
Shannaria: I'll go to the other room for a bit.

Steve: I surrender to the cultists!
DM: The cleric surrenders to the cultists?
Steve: Yeah!

DM: And at the end of this session, the party is wildly split and Hochimay is the only one not captured. See you next session!

IZ42
2015-04-21, 09:28 PM
DM: Sure, you pet the drakes.
Nae: I rub their bellies.
DM: The riders are extremely confused.
Nae: There were riders?

Mokan: I heartily support any liberal usage of fire!

Mokan: *singing* We all live in a tentacle submarine, a tentacle submarine!
DM: *chuckling while he facepalms*

(This one happens nearly every session)
Clarisa: Wait, I have an idea!
Everyone Else, including DM: Oh no...

Mokan: I mean, unless Bellin was into that, I guess...
DM: Belling is into everything.
Everyone: :smalleek:

JAL_1138
2015-04-22, 06:21 AM
DM: *imitates crying woman*
Group, OOC: *cover our ears*
Party, IC: *try frantically to calm NPC down*
(pause)
Ranger's player, OOC: My dog made that exact sound when he got his head caught in the fence.

bulbaquil
2015-04-22, 05:28 PM
P3: "Anyone happen to have a cartridge of 240-XL Epson black ink?"
P5: "No."
P2: "I do, but it's in my printer."

P4: "Oh, that's easy. I just have to pretend to be a somewhat friendly [P5]."

GM: "Up here, women are unlikely to be women."

P5: *triumphantly* "I am [P5], Hunter of Fey, Master of Birds, Planter of Beans!"

P4: "So, if anyone would alert me to any threats before we start attacking--"
P6: "IT'S AN ELF!"

Sith_Happens
2015-04-22, 07:19 PM
(This one happens nearly every session)
Clarisa: Wait, I have an idea!
Everyone Else, including DM: Oh no...

Change this one just slightly and it describes my group too:

(At least once per session:)
Logan: "Here's an idea..."
Me: [preemptively facepalms internally]

janusmaxwell
2015-04-22, 08:08 PM
Regarding 5th edition
"The Wizard is still God, it's just that the Sorcerer is now God's cousin who's dual-wielding rocket launchers and the Bard is God's little sister."

Recherché
2015-04-22, 10:50 PM
"Do you want to take the unconscious badger?" -DM

"If I see the tooth fairy I'm going to bomb the hell out of her." - Faura

"We are going to need so many sets of dentures." -Nikolya

"I wave goodbye to my teeth as a free action." - Faura

DigoDragon
2015-04-23, 07:24 AM
Iris: “My name's Iris. I hatched in the Crystal Mountains. I'm single and like long flights. My favorite foods are rubies and fawns.”
Doc: “If you like ruby coladas, and flying out in the rain
If you're not eating ponies, if you’ve baked half your brain
If you like watching films at midnight, in the holes underground
I'm the dragon you've looked for, write to me, and be found.”

Doc: “Viridia, you still going to seduce the dragon? Offer Iris some brownies, it might get you a +10.”

Doc: “So Livewire now has the ‘Worst Pony’ title? This like a hot potato that gets passed around?”
GM: “It's an office in Oakville's government.”

GM: “Here is Iris's character sheet.”
Doc: “Holy Bed-Head Celestia with a Mug of Coffee she's a sexy combat beast.”
GM: “She's killable! The party would just need to track down some light artillery cannons.”
Doc: “Yeah, only some light artillery.”

Moon: “Guess they don't. But the idea of a dragon as a librarian is pretty amusing.”

GM: “Movies containing Lead Zeppelin are often known to have strange time-warping properties.”

Doc: “What do you think of the curry?”
Mirror: (Face turning red, eyes watering) “Who eats this? What hell pit it came from?!”

Viridia: “I just know that as soon as we go in there, Iris will arrive and start humping Tirkes or something.”

Doc: “So I could of had a longer scene with Mirror instead of Plot Ex Machina? Darn.”
GM: “Naw, Mirror's being seduced by Andante, so Doc wouldn't want to be around for that.”
Doc: *Glare*

Moon: “I hate to interrupt, but it looks like it's starting to snow. Any chance you can carry the lamb and eat it once we're closer to Oakville?”
Iris: “Come on, little pone. Can't a girl have a breakfast without being all busy?” (Dragon Puppy Eyes)

Doc: “Something odd coming this way?”
Viridia: “Yeah. Something obtuse yet somehow incredibly vague. I'm guessing Tirkes' ethics.”

Stellar: “I wonder in what new ways having a dragon in town will make our lives interesting?”
Doc: “Besides making all the townsfolk jumpy?”

Viridia: “Yeah, the weather's been terrible since I was born. I'm going to have to write a strongly-worded letter to Celestia one of these days.”

Viridia: “I was planning to meet up with Moonshadow on the rooftop.”
Moon: “It's too bad that never happened, it would've made for an interesting twist/conversation.”
Viridia: “It only didn't happen 'cause Tirkes forced Viridia's hoof by riling up the hicks.”

Doc: “Tirkes wasn't shooting the reaver, but she at least put herself between the beast and Abbaas with her gun drawn, so there was some effort there.”
Viridia: “Number one Paladin, right here.”

Moon: “Hey Doc, hey Stellar. How's things? Want to meet my new friend, Iris?” (Points to dragon flying overhead)
Doc: “Well sure, guess that's a once in a lifetime thing. How do we want to get me and Iris to meet?”
GM: “Wrapped in bacon and with a bottle of barbecue sauce around your neck.”

arcane_asp
2015-04-23, 07:44 AM
Player 1: (about player 2) He loves that new scimitar so much. Its ridiculous.
Player 2: (to DM) I cradle my scimitar lovingly.
Player 1: I swear he's going to start breast-feeding his sword next.

Player 3: I go down to the ships hold, to visit the goat, and explain to it my problems. I've always been a loner, an outsider who loves too much but is always rejected. Each time I try to hug my new friends they tell me to go away. I'm very sad at the way my life is going...
Player 1: I close the hatch of the ships hold so I don't have to listen.

Anonymouswizard
2015-04-23, 07:44 AM
Me: I haven't actually betrayed the party yet.
GM: I love how you can actually list that as a positive.

GM: Steve is drawn more anime like than the rest.

Me: so where are they up to in Mind the Gap?
GM: about the point with the urbanomancer.

Me: I write some Boris and Faust slash fic.

GM: Boris has in fact not heard of it, and wonders why people keep sending him boxes of London clay.

BJ: the city will be mine. Borisville.
Faust: sunshine and sparkles, you're insane!

Necroticplague
2015-04-23, 08:11 AM
ST:I don't think a martial arts intended for cowboy-style pistol-deuling would work with rocket launchers.
Gene: Hey, it's still an alchemical fireweapon, isn't it?
ST:.....


GUARD: As typical, we require you to identify all weapons you have on you.
Gene: Here you go, one artifact fuel cannon.
GUARD: Mind if I ask why you're using such a weapon?
Gene:Hunting.
GUARD: With this much firepower? What exactly are you hunting.
Gene:Whatever I dang well please.

DigoDragon
2015-04-23, 09:33 AM
Player 1: I swear he's going to start breast-feeding his sword next.

Uh... cannot unsee that.


Me: I haven't actually betrayed the party yet.
GM: I love how you can actually list that as a positive.

Quote to run away from really really fast. :smallbiggrin:
At least you're being open about it.


ST:I don't think a martial arts intended for cowboy-style pistol-deuling would work with rocket launchers.

I once had a player attempt to invent Gun-chucks in Shadowrun. How he didn't shoot off his own foot I'll never understand.


Nae: There were riders?

*Snerk* Failed a spot check.

goto124
2015-04-23, 10:43 AM
*comforts Doc*

It'll be alright... I'll fudge your dice roller for you...

Unscrewed
2015-04-23, 11:31 AM
From my old mad scientist game

Alvin: Who was it that took over the crime scene?
Kyle: Da Hobo.
Alvin: EXACT- HEY!

DM: : If you're getting a motorcyle, all I need to know is "Harley" or "Kawasaki Ninja." Those are the only acceptable answers for a WoD character, and define everything we need to know about your personality.

Alvin: This is why you need to be able to kick people with your rocket boots.

malkarnivore
2015-04-23, 11:40 AM
Tian-Ming Samurai (referring to a Shoanti Berserker): "They seem overly aggressive."

Varisian Caravanseer: "What tipped you off, the screaming and challenges or the hammers with heads big enough to squash a God?"

Inevitability
2015-04-23, 01:59 PM
GUARD: As typical, we require you to identify all weapons you have on you.
Gene: Here you go, one artifact fuel cannon.
GUARD: Mind if I ask why you're using such a weapon?
Gene:Hunting.
GUARD: With this much firepower? What exactly are you hunting.
Gene:Whatever I dang well please.

Glorious. Simply glorious.

Milodiah
2015-04-23, 02:10 PM
GM: "Attention, spaceship Fusilier, this is the Spadonian Customs Fleet. Heave-to and prepare to be boarded for inspection."
PC1: "Quick, hide the barbarian!"
PC2: "I'll throw a tarp over the illegal stuff!"
PC3: "...but the barbarian is part of the crew!"
PC1: "Uhhh...uhh...I'll distract them!" *Nat 1 on Bluff*
PC2: "WE'RE ALL TERRIBLE SMUGGLERS!
PC3: "This is stupid! We're boned! FLOOR IT!"
GM: "...you guys know the comms were on this whole time, right?"

Rad Mage
2015-04-23, 02:19 PM
"I've been drinking ZOMBIE BEER?!"

JAL_1138
2015-04-23, 06:55 PM
PC: Do you know anything of this, bard?
DM: History check.
Me: *nat 1* In the words of that most famous of poets, Alistair the Dim, "Derp."

AdmiralCheez
2015-04-23, 11:01 PM
DM: The door to the right says "Participants Only."
Druid: You mean it says "Suicides Only."
Ranger: How so?
Druid: It's a fight to the death, and the Emperor always wins.


Announcer: The Empress looks forward to seeing you die in the final round.
Fighter: Is this because I set the General's son on fire?


Druid: Why doesn't the cleric know healing spells? Why did we bring him along?
Fighter: Maybe he's a clerical cleric.
Bard: He gets bonuses to data entry and excel spreadsheets.
DM: Actually, he's more like a necromancer. Cleric is more of a title.


DM: That is the greasiest elf you've ever seen.


DM: Fun fact: This encounter is over three times the threshold for a deadly rating. Have fun!

Dasgovernator
2015-04-24, 01:42 AM
Manuel Bey: "So the plan is to bet all of our money on the other guy, then throw the last fight"
Ron: ". . . Or we could bet on ourselves, win the god-tier artifact, then kill the bookies and take their money"

Manuel Bey: "They asked us to get the bracelet, not to get the bracelet in pristine condition"

Manuel Bey: "All's fair in love and poorly-monitored tournaments"

TurboGhast
2015-04-24, 08:21 AM
Shannaria: Never assign to villainy what could be incompetence.
Ander: She makes a good point.

Hochimay: I descend the rope.
Shannaria: Yes! Rescue us!
Hochimay: I take a look at the party's gear.
Shannaria: Ummmm....
Hochimay: I steal everyone else's gold.
Shannaria: Nooooooooooo! I will have my revenge!

DM: You see the rest of the party running away. Do you join them?
Steve: No.
DM: Then hand in the character sheet, you just permanently joined a cult.

JAL_1138
2015-04-24, 09:53 AM
Bard: Come on, give me your best shot!
DM: *crit*
Bard: *looks down at arrow sticking out of his chest, looks back up* I commend you on your excellent marksmanship, madam. *tips hat* Adieu. *falls over dead*

DCraw
2015-04-25, 03:36 AM
In a shadowrun campaign:
P1: "I'm Russian, so the van is pretty plain, just black and grey. It has a machine gun mounted on top. Well, ducktaped on, really. That's close enough, right?"
P2: "If you can't do it with gaffa tape, you should be doing it at all."

P1: *In bad Russian accent* "Get in the van, little girl"

P3: "I hack the bug so that the only thing it will transmit is the theme from Heartbeat"

P2: "Dammit guys, I'm not Zoroing a kidney!"

DigoDragon
2015-04-25, 07:06 AM
Viridia: “What do ponies need riding crops for?”
Doc: “To encourage their partner to ‘ride faster’?”

Viridia: “Not that I'd fit in with the Enclave, anyway. There's only one authority I respect, and they don't have enough leather for it.”

Iris: “Oh hey, you don't got no wings.”
Doc: “That's because I'm an earth pony. Name's Doc.”
Iris: “Oh, you're a male pony. Huh, I sometimes forget you exist. You're cute too. You even come with accessories!”

Viridia: “Doc's on crack. Iris is about as ladylike as a bucket of fried chicken.”
GM: “Fried chicken, in addition, would be an excellent way to distract her.”

Stellar: “I imagine having your voice transmitted through a speaker also diffuses some of the effect of a charismatic pony.”
Doc: “I know I dock CHA points from the server when ordering through the McDonald's drive-thru speaker.”

GM: “There's absolutely no reason for any ground-dwelling creature to like the Enclave. Wearing Enclave Armor in most places gets you a nice 'shoot-on-sight' target on your head, and there's a good reason for that! It's like walking around wearing pony-leather armor with a spiked collar and a mohawk slicked with pony fat and saying 'Oh hey ima friendly'.”

Viridia: “Viridia makes the universal gesture for ‘Imma come over there, yo, and let's talk 'bout dis, ya hear? Sound chill, bro?’ and waits for a response.”

Iris: “Hey, do you need that cage for anything?”
Moon: “It's supposed to be the town jail, but it failed to hold the only prisoner that has ever been put in it, so I don't see why we'd need it.”

GM: “Dragon advice is timeless, and often involves caves and burning villages.”

Doc: “Guess I can try lockpicking this one... heh, right. Way out of my league.”
Die Roll: *Crit Fail*
Doc: “Well I wasn't wrong.”

GM: “Having a magically sharp pretty blade of wonder and magic really helps when it comes to rooting through the personal belongings of secretaries. They never tell you that in middle school!”
Viridia: “Maybe not in your middle school.”
Moon: “Or the pony with the actual lockpick skill can give it a shot.”
Viridia: “I didn't get the memo that we were going to start doing things sensibly.”

Doc: “Well, that was a pretty interesting and detailed explanation of Red Maple Extract. Hopefully I didn't oversimplify.”
GM: “Nope! It's basically just a terrible poison.”
Doc: “It is and if Live and Moon have no objections, I think Doc is going to take that stuff and hide it.”
Viridia: “I will take it!”
Doc: “Are you going to use it irresponsibly?”
Viridia: “Most likely.”
Doc: “Okay, you seem trustworthy.”
GM: “When has giving a hideously potent poison to an eighteen year old ever backfired on anyone?”
Viridia: “Hey now. By Wasteland standards, she's middle-aged.”

Beige
2015-04-25, 07:40 AM
is it bad Iris is best character ever?

also, my mind now reads your GMs comments in a large yellow box hovering above the action :smallbiggrin:

DigoDragon
2015-04-25, 09:43 AM
is it bad Iris is best character ever?

No, not at all! I think baked dragon teenagers should be a staple NPC in any campaign XD

dethkruzer
2015-04-25, 02:05 PM
DM: Dire camels!
P: But we're in a rain forest.
DM: DIRE CAMELS!!!

Rakoa
2015-04-25, 03:02 PM
"Of course the leeches can speak. They told me so themselves. It must be true!"

goto124
2015-04-26, 09:31 AM
also, my mind now reads your GMs comments in a large yellow box hovering above the action :smallbiggrin:

DM of the ponies!

TurboGhast
2015-04-26, 08:15 PM
Mr. Bones: Tiefling something, I don't quite remember.


Shannaria: I touch Mr. Bones.
Mr. Bones: Are you sure?
Shannaria: Yes.
Mr. Bones: Because my character is very sensitive about that sort of thing, he uses his hellish rebuke ability.
Shannaria: OW OW DAMAGE PAIN!

Shannaria: I have a plan.
DM: What is it.
Shannaria: I buy a bunch of parchment and ink, and turn them into pamphlets to try to get the kobolds to rebel.
DM: That's not going to work. They're not going to care.
Shannaria: I try anyway.

Shannaria: What do I find in the cave?
DM:At the start of the cave you see the dead bodies of two guards and Ander, and partway through you find the dead bodies of Steve and some cultists, then you find the rest of the party. Alive.

DM: Shannaria, Mr. Bones is in the way of your shot.
Mr. Bones: Shoot between my legs.
DM: Look - just move.

DM: As you look into the cult leader's office, you see a rug, and a desk, which she is behind.
Mr. Bones: I charge up and barge in.
DM: Do you step on the rug?
Mr. Bones: I stomp on it. I barge in just go WHAM on the rug.
DM: The rug caves in, trapping you. You see a pit below you.

Mr. Bones: That desk seems like a nice desk.
Shannaria: I use my action to shoot both the desk and the bad guy. I shoot the desk spitefully.
Mr. Bones: What do you have against me?
Shannaria: Well, your character likes that desk...
Mr. Bones: I like the desk in real life. Mr. Bones doesn't care for the desk.
Shannaria: Errrmm... I continue shooting the desk as it is an affront against nature!
Hochimay: Shannaria has never cared for that before.

Hochimay: We search the villain's closet.
DM: You find her underwear.
Shannaria: I light it on fire.
DM: Smoke starts filling the room. It gets hard to breathe.
Everyone: We run away!

ZeroGear
2015-04-26, 11:05 PM
DM: We’ve got fighter, mage, thief!
Natasha: We’re all thieves!

DM: He’s the dual-class thief/thief!

DM: I like the fact that someone dies and you’re more worried about your shoes.

Mellor: Also, 50x magnification…shape concrete!
JackRabbit: Oh god.
Mellor: Shape concrete there; shape concrete there; shape concrete there…

Mellor: Last time I lest you two alone, you pi**ed off a medieval hacker.
*beat*
JackRabbit: Why is everyone looking at me?

Mellor: He can be quite the sane person.
Nikolea: Not form what I’ve heard.
Natasha: Love can be so blinding.

Nikolae: What kind of hackers do you have to deal with on a daily basis?
JackRabbit: Let’s not recount.

Natasha: We have a fixer, named Mr. Johnson, who works for your ‘Johnson’, who works for his boss, who is our main ‘Johnson’.
JackRabbit: This is confusing.

Mellor: Hey Fawkes, I need to get into contact with the yakuza.

DM: There is no stat for common sense in shadowrun.
Natasha: Obviously.

Natasha: You’re telling me there are sasquatches but no yeti’s; I’m not buying that.

JackRabbit: Last time we had a cranial bomb deactivated, we let loose a psychopathic nutcase.
Mellor: Let’s not talk about that. Ever again.
Natasha: Isn’t he coming here on vacation?
JackRabbit: Oh god! That’s right!

Natasha: Please be quiet, I am feeling very unwell.

Dexam
2015-04-27, 01:18 AM
Me: "I've got eight Mirror Images and Grace giving off 60' of silvery light, I'm Blinking making it strobe, and I'm in a Snowflake Wardance. All I need is a repeating bassline going "oontz!oontz!oontz!oontz!" and I'm very own walking rave party."
Warlock: "Well, you are a bard..."

Necroticplague
2015-04-27, 02:15 AM
GM:Well, looks like everybody got pretty lucky on those mutation radiation manipulation rolls. None of you even got anything visible.
Shibu: I did!
GM:Not if you wear a big enough skirt.
Shibu:That still leaves the fact that trips to the brothel just got significantly more expensive.

DigoDragon
2015-04-27, 09:19 AM
Amadi: “How much of a mental blackout is acceptable, on a one to ten scale? And what are your thoughts on tasting colors?”
Viridia: “Is blacking out ever going to be beneficial? And what utility would tasting colors have?”

GM: “The small box was filled with gold bits! Congratulations, Moonshadow has discovered Penny's rainy day fund, or something.”
Doc: (Deadpan) “At last, Penny can retire and give up this life of crime.”

Doc: “Come on Live, let's go check the basement now that we got the gang together.”
Livewire: “We can be two places at once! I'll stick in here while you guys scavenge down there. It'll be easier!”
Moon: “Livewire is totally stuck in the closet isn't she?”

Viridia: “Well, the Olives probably don't have an insane mass mind-controlling torturer in their midst. Just caps-hungry jerks.”
Stellar: “Who want us dead for what happened to Olive Leaf.”
Moon: “And not killing Abbaas to grant them control over the local drug/water supply.”

GM: “It looked like the screen was locked until the password was put in, or it would only react to the power button.”
Moon: “Tch, always another step. Oh, well. Even if we can't figure it out, I'm sure we could sell it to someone for a pretty penny.”
Viridia: “Let me try. Computer! I am your master! Now spread 'em!”

Log Entry 5031: “Helped another zebra with a cough, today. You'd think they would know better than to let their foals run outside while it's so cold, but that's zebras for you. Dumb as bricks.”
Viridia: “It feels like we're roleplaying reading a story on Fimfiction.”
GM: “When you put it that way, it makes it sound like a blatant time waster.”
Viridia: “I'd never imply that. Neeeveer.”

Log Entry 5037: “Dalair invited me to a party! I snorted moondust off the ass of a mare named Pole Dancer and met the mayor of this cesspool, and he's about as terrible as I thought he was. My life is complete and my bank account has six digits in it, though, so all hail the mayor.”
Viridia: *Yawn*

GM: “The complete lack of caring about Coco Pummel is hilarious.”
Moon: “None of our characters know anything about her. Other than she's almost certainly dead. So why care?”
GM: “Because she's this pony.” (Shows image of Coco as a product of Fluttershy and Rarity)
Viridia: “...she's a lesbian magic baby?”
Moon: “And use Out-of-Character knowledge?! How scandalous!”

GM: “The nastiest individual in town at the moment actually cooked the group dinner, for example.”
Doc: “The chef on Captain Kahiklani's boat is evil?”

Moon: “I don't know if Pancake Party works for cries of vengeance. ‘Pancaaaaaaaakesss!’ Just sounds silly as an angry yell.”
Doc: “And making the Olives look like fools when they yell that is a perfectly satisfactory option in my opinion.”
GM: “For blood and pancakes! Charge!”

Doc: “For a team name, how about Calamity Jacks, as in the poker card Jack?”
GM: “Bleugh, card metaphors.”
Viridia: “Oh, don't be such a queen. You play the cards you're dealt.”

Doc: “Too bad there's no way to reverse-pickpocket sleep poisons in Fallout. Or build a dart gun and use sleep poisons. Instead, we put grenades down peoples' trousers.”

Inevitability
2015-04-27, 03:10 PM
Me: Congratulations on successfully scaring off the roc after killing its master. On the other hand, you probably shouldn't have done so while it still had the unconscious monk in its claws.
Wizard: I fly towards it at full speed, then shoot a fireball! The range is 150 ft., plus sixty for getting close enough, plus twenty for the spell extending beyond maximum range... That makes just enough to hit the roc! Do I kill it?
Me: Well yes. The roc catches fire and falls down. On its way, it lets go of the monk.
Monk: Great job guys, great job.

Me: You grab the monk and start carrying him upwards. It is very hard, but you are confident you can make it before either of you runs out of breath.
Monk and Wizard: Aw yeah.
Me: A shark appears and starts swimming towards you.
Wizard: I hate you.

Sith_Happens
2015-04-28, 05:44 AM
Doc: “So I could of had a longer scene with Mirror instead of Plot Ex Machina? Darn.”
GM: “Naw, Mirror's being seduced by Andante, so Doc wouldn't want to be around for that.”
Doc: *Glare*

http://i854.photobucket.com/albums/ab105/RoFoGifs/LockAndLoad.gif


ST:I don't think a martial arts intended for cowboy-style pistol-deuling would work with rocket launchers.
Gene: Hey, it's still an alchemical fireweapon, isn't it?
ST:.....

Exalted Modern, you're doing it right.:smallcool:


Viridia: “What do ponies need riding crops for?”
Doc: “To encourage their partner to ‘ride faster’?”

http://dc483.4shared.com/img/JYa1N33K/s3/1372ec7b120/Nothing_to_do_here


DM: There is no stat for common sense in shadowrun.
Natasha: Obviously.

See also: Digo's old group.:smalltongue:


GM:Well, looks like everybody got pretty lucky on those mutation radiation manipulation rolls. None of you even got anything visible.
Shibu: I did!
GM:Not if you wear a big enough skirt.
Shibu:That still leaves the fact that trips to the brothel just got significantly more expensive.

HOLY CRAP. THE THING. YOU DID IT.:smalleek:

Inevitability
2015-04-28, 08:55 AM
Monk's player: I made this list of the people I suspect most of being the BBEG. Mind taking a look at it?
Me: Two of the people on this list are fellow party members.
Monk: Have you seen the people we game with?
Me: One person on the list you only met once.
Monk: Obviously my badassness scared him away after the first encounter.
Me: One 'person' on this list is a bat in a jar.
Monk: It is always the one you expect least.
Me: Two of the people on this list are technically weapons.
Monk: Nobody suspects the rapier!

Monk: Hey! I was the one who started mistrusting allies!

DigoDragon
2015-04-28, 10:44 AM
http://i854.photobucket.com/albums/ab105/RoFoGifs/LockAndLoad.gif

That pretty much sums up Doc's feelings about that. :smallbiggrin:



See also: Digo's old group.:smalltongue:

LOL, too true. I miss those silly people.



Monk: Nobody suspects the rapier!

Now that is true dedication to paranoia! :o



Warlock: "Well, you are a bard..."

Bard - Doin' it right!
I had a friend who wanted to be a Warforged Bard, just so he could plug his guitar into a "Bass port" on his shoulder. Never got around to it though.



DM: He’s the dual-class thief/thief!

Reminds me of a player I once had. :3

GrayGriffin
2015-04-28, 03:44 PM
Coriander: "Ha! That's what you get for messing with my family!"
Luke: "You do remember we are not actually related right?"
Coriander: "...oh...right...right."
Coriander: "Right."

Luke: (( what is it with cori and throwing herself infront of deadly objects.... ))
Everett: (( Man, we need to get that girl a shield ))

Luke: "I WILL DIG UP YOUR FRIEND OUT OF THE WATER AND FEAST ON HIS INNARDS"
Luke: "I WILL HANG YOUR HEAD OVER THE DOOR OF THIS PARK"
Luke: "I WILL FEED YOUR CORPSE TO YOUR FRIENDS"
* Coriander lays a hand on Luke's arm.
* Ryouta mutters to himself
Ryouta: "dang, this kid is brutal"
Coriander: "There's no need to go that far, young man. We'll just take them all out."
* Luke's face is red with rage
Coriander: "...although it's funny that sweetbread is another word for organs..." mutters Cori in a softer voice.

DM: "It's kinda creepy that you kissed what you thought was a corpse."

TurboGhast
2015-04-28, 06:58 PM
Normal DM wasn't present this session, so Mr. Bones' player took over.


Paladin: A paladin. I don't remember much of the details about him, except that he is Steve's player's new character.


Frank: I worship the mushrooms.

Frank: I get on the horse and tell it to move.
DM: It doesn't move.
Frank: I use detect thoughts to figure out why it can't move.
DM: The horse thinks you're an idiot.
Frank: What else does it think?
DM: The horse likes apples.
Frank: I try to find it an apple.

Shannaria: Hmmm.. tracks. Time to follow them.
DM: Do you tell the rest of the party?
Shannaria: No.

DM to another game: It took you 1 hour real time to leave the cave after being in it?
DM: That's how you feel when you just wake up outside a cave.

Paladin: I try to tie up Hochimay using the rope.
DM: Isn't that kinda odd for a male to tie up a female?
Paladin: My character is female, despite that I am male IRL.
Shannaria: Our OOC gender ratio is 3:1 male to female. Our IC gender ratio is 3:1 female to male.

Shannaria: *Fires bow* Tolls normally are like this for me.

Frank: I got a two.
DM: The bandit freezes in a block of ice.
Frank: Why?
DM: Dice rolls don't always mean what you think they do.

Shannaria: I'll have my revenge! But I do need to finish this quest first.

Paladin: Whoot! Natural twenty to find wood for armor!
DM: You find some magic, talking wood named Whisper. The talking might be hallucinatory.

Townopolis
2015-04-28, 08:26 PM
Aetchron: Maybe I could do some research.
Nethali: Right NOW?
Aetchron: I'm pretty good at research.

DigoDragon
2015-04-28, 08:37 PM
Subtle: "I will not apologize for arseplomancy. Exploding out of people's colons is too stupidly awesome."

Senshi Akai
2015-04-29, 08:26 AM
Subtle: "I will not apologize for arseplomancy. Exploding out of people's colons is too stupidly awesome."

I laughed so hard that my coworkers are staring at me now. Congratulations. :smallbiggrin:


-----
Some from last session. Enjoy!

Sorceress: Ok, I got the wine for us...
Bard: Gimme that!
Sorceress: Hey, this is mine!
Bard: What is yours is mine, what is mine is wine!

Bard: *roll Search extremely poorly*
DM: You can't seem to find anything. The trolls must have done a great job hiding your stuff.
Rogue: *roll Search, nat 20*
DM: … However, trolls are stupid. They DID a great job hiding your stuff, but they marked the location with a giant red 'X'.
Rogue: How did you not see THAT?

Bard: *using Message* Hey, troll! I am your... conscience!
Troll: Me what?
Bard: Conscience!
Troll: Why me conscience smell like chicken?

Paladin: We need a plan to defeat this troll... What do we have at our disposal?
*Rogue checks his character sheet furiously, Bard helping*
Bard: … What the? Why do you have so much alchemical fire? And where did you got so much oil?
Paladin: So, we can do a big fire, apparently.
DM: You always make big fires.

Paladin: Why there is a troll burning and laughing in the middle of the snow.
Rogue: Long story short, [Bard] told a joke and the troll farted in my torch.

Bard: I am going to fascinate the troll with a voice cover of Elvis Presley.
*rolls absurdly high, starts singing “Love me Tender” OC and OOC (he has a good voice)*
DM: Luck for you, the troll likes rock. He screams “Elvis not dead”.
Paladin: Why do I have the feeling that we will encounter an undead Elvis?

JAL_1138
2015-04-29, 09:08 AM
Subtle: "I will not apologize for arseplomancy. Exploding out of people's colons is too stupidly awesome."

...*blink*

......*blink blink*

.........wat.

Rater202
2015-04-29, 09:45 AM
That wasn't Subtle, that was her playerThe PCs have been exposed to a shrink potion that renders them the size of mice or my little pony dolls.

OOC, Humble Master commented that one could assassinate someone by shrinking, crawling up where the sun ain't supposed to go, and waiting for the effect to wear off.

goto124
2015-04-29, 10:00 AM
Bard: I am going to fascinate the troll with a voice cover of Elvis Presley.
*rolls absurdly high, starts singing “Love me Tender” OC and OOC (he has a good voice)

Did he roll absurdly high and fascinate the group IRL?

Inevitability
2015-04-29, 10:32 AM
Paladin: Why do I have the feeling that we will encounter an undead Elvis?

Tell your paladin he/she is awesome.

DigoDragon
2015-04-29, 10:46 AM
That wasn't Subtle, that was her player

I make it a point to just use the character names for quotes. It reduces name confusion and gives some privacy for the player.

Plus it keeps to the spirit of this thread being No Context. :smalltongue:

Senshi Akai
2015-04-29, 11:47 AM
Did he roll absurdly high and fascinate the group IRL?

Yes he did. It took some time to focus in the game again. But he DOES have a good voice. :smalltongue:


Tell your paladin he/she is awesome.

Will do. :smallbiggrin:

Anonymouswizard
2015-04-29, 12:12 PM
Sister Harker: my strength specialty is 'legs'.

Sister Harker: no, I took the disabled flaw as well as only 6 strength.

GM: the succubus was located wandering around town, looking like Sister Harker in a Jessica Rabbit costume.
Sister Harker: so she doesn't know how to pull off the silver vixen look?

GM: as you look at the architectural drawings you notice that the church from your visions is the same one you're based in.

GM: hello, Bristol police, how may we be of assistance.
Alex: we have two level three Beastia Demons in a church in London.
GM: okay...we'll send someone as soon as we can.

GM: the heavily armed demon SWAT teams are looking a bit sheepish, having been sent out of town when you did their job of taking down the fallen angel.

Sister Harker: smite smite smite!

Sister Harker: so is Alex going to become a priest now?
Alex: well, he has to get onto a theology course first.

Alex: time to call in the German Inquisition, because everybody expects the Spanish one.
Sister Harker: why not the Italian Inquisition? They actually did stuff.

Sister Harker: I think giving a nun the power that a bishop would wield is already pushing it.

Necroticplague
2015-04-29, 02:22 PM
ST:O.k, how are you all going to get on the roof.
Shibu:Hmmm...any of us got charms that let us fly?
Gene:I have a rocket launcher and a perfect soak, that's close enough.
Nesda:How the heck will that help you get up-oh.

cavalieredraghi
2015-04-29, 04:26 PM
That wasn't Subtle, that was her playerThe PCs have been exposed to a shrink potion that renders them the size of mice or my little pony dolls.

OOC, Humble Master commented that one could assassinate someone by shrinking, crawling up where the sun ain't supposed to go, and waiting for the effect to wear off.

The worst part is i am a player of this campaign and i had not told you guys but one of my Players IRL actually did something similar. Gods the Horror of that game. THE HORROR!

gmoyes
2015-04-29, 05:01 PM
From a PTU pbp I recently started.

GM (me): Ok, here's where everyone can chat out of character. Talk about your hopes and dreams, battle plans and what we're gonna do with two characters named Marcus. (My vote is Big Mark and Little Mark)

'Little Mark' (ooc): I assume I'm Little Mark, because I'm likely smaller. This is acceptable. I plan to punch things. Lots of things. And probably steal EVERYTHING possible.

Connor: *scanning a crowd* Pidgey, Murkrow, AviateonTM, Butterfre- wait what?

'Little Mark' (ooc): I plan to run up and stab things with darts, I was just curious if anyone bought the gun.

'Big Mark' (ooc): So as I sit there reading the posts and trying to decide what would draw Big Mark's attention to go and speak with another character I happen to look at the sheets and notice he is tied for the youngest character and the other one his age is a girl. *facepalms*
Astor (that girl): I see nothing wrong with this. I can see the comedy preparing to unfold.

Dr. Murakami (ooc): When/if we all become a group, I vote for the name Marcus, Mark and the Funky Bunch or some variant thereof as the squad name.

Norman (ooc): I considered having Eva (Spiritomb) just appear behind Marcus (Little Mark) and thoroughly intimidate him, but you know what's more intimidating? A ghost that you know can beat you.
Norman: In other words? Come at me, bro.

Norman (ooc): Also, status bot cares not for your feeble Attack reduction.

'Little Mark' (ooc): WAKE UP THEO YOU'VE GOT A GHOST TO POUND.

'Little Mark' (ooc): I am gonna punch that burly guy in the FACE.

Allison (npc): Sorry honey, that's not going to work. Prong here eats grass types for breakfast.
Astor: *eyes grow wide in terror* You can't eat Dahlia!

Astor (ooc): Entirely innocent question, GM; what's the league stance on using fainted pokemon has HP sources?

'Little Mark' (ooc): WOO SAFARI! GONNA CATCH SO MANY POKEMON. Nah, probably just two.

Connor (ooc): This Kecleon is blessed I tell you. Blessed

'Little Mark' (ooc): I'd settle for a rematch. Preferably with that brawny dude. The jerk.

Ionbound
2015-04-29, 05:08 PM
"As the red-aligned tank, it is my job to facecheck anything that might be dangerous."

DigoDragon
2015-04-30, 07:37 AM
GM: “So, thought experiment; how does Moonshadow think her three new pretty pegasus friends would do in the Enclave? In broad terms.”
Doc: “I'm assuming you've included Noise in that?”
GM: “Well, three new friends. Unless Doc has a terrible secret, the math checks out.”
Doc: “You said pretty pegasus friends, so Doc was not on my list of guesses for pony #3.”
Moon: “I was assuming Noise was number 3 as well from pretty pegasus. So Doc: Falls to his death cause he can't walk on clouds.”
Doc: “Pretty much! I'd imagine that during the fall he'd wonder why he was up there to begin with.”

Moon: “I get the feeling that if he hadn't we'd have had a hilarious three way—”
Viridia: “OH-”
Moon: “—sneak into and murder Snow situation happen, with only Stellar actually giving her a chance at a trial.”
Viridia: “Oh.”

Viridia: “Fun fact: It's been a whole thread since we killed Snow's final form.”
Doc: “Huh, guess we need to step up our game and do some more killing before this thread ends.”
GM: “And now my rampage begins.”

Moon: “Also, I think we should feed the donkey to Iris.”
Viridia: “Even better: Feed everyone to Iris. That way, she'll get more powerful!”
Moon: “No, we can't let her get a taste for pony blood!”
Viridia: “Are you sure? We can just point her at Tauronto and all the problems will be solved.”
Moon: “My problem of being poor won't be solved.”

Stellar: “Frankly the only foes who should be immune to her are the deaf, the insane, and the non-sapient.”

Viridia: “I have more sincerity when I accidentally bite my tongue than she did in that whole conversation.”

Fascine: “Where the hell is Snow?”
Moon: “Snow went psycho, and tried to kill everypony. Tirkes labeled her a traitor and we took her down.”
Stellar: “We have a dragon by the way. Just so you know.”

Moon: “Well, I guess it was a good call because now we've got pirates.”
Doc: “Pirates Pillage, Everyone Dies?”

Viridia: “They should have been coated in titanium. One that negates enchanted blades. And gives the wearer an orgasm whenever they might be hurt.”

Andante: “Your mare's upstairs, playing with little Seaweed. I'd go up and see her one last time, before all this pirate nonsense gets us all hung.”
Doc: “I blink, stunned. I’m not expecting Andante to describe Mirror like that.”
GM: “Andante Shine, shipping master!”

Fascine: “The inn's a big trap. Add'n a few more guns to it won't do diddly squat. See, Salt Marsh knows what's up.”
Doc: “Wait a sec... If the inn is a trap, and Salt Marsh knows what's up... why did he send me there?”

GM: “Doc's aim was impressive! The lake didn't know what hit it!”

Colt: “You going to drink that?”
Doc: “Sorry kid, this fireball's for our guests.” (Lights Molotov)

Sith_Happens
2015-04-30, 03:48 PM
Moon: “My problem of being poor won't be solved.”

One word: looting.:smallwink:

TheHoodedTeddy
2015-04-30, 04:13 PM
(Not quite from the session, but my friend bringing me up to speed on the part that I missed)
Me: So the one time I decide to not go to the bar with you to keep you out of trouble, you get yourselves mind controlled?
P2: See what I mean? Its much more fun without you!

(Now from actual session)

Sketchy Wizard NPC: What a magnificent vessel! Is that the hatch?
Me: Yes! (OOC:) He was pointing at the hatch, right?... Ok good, because it would be weird if he started trying to go in through a skylight.

Rogue: *Walks into bar.* How rich are the people in this bar?
Me: So we're deciding where to drink based upon how much you'll be able to pickpocket?
Rogue: You expected any less?
Me: I'm not lowering the bar for you... No pun intended.

Me: I field strip my arm.

OctoberRaven
2015-05-02, 12:13 AM
Vertman: "I cast Vicious Mockery"
Matilda's Player: "'Yo momma's so fat, they call her a Will O'Whale'"
------
Matilda's Player: "What would that even be called, a Dwelf?"

d13
2015-05-02, 12:20 AM
Bard: "I grab the old lady's balls and start juggling them around, while the rest feast with the dogs!"

Context (or the lack of it) makes stuff very beautiful.

the OOD
2015-05-02, 12:50 AM
Player 1: I spin in a circle, fireing my assault rife the ninjas.
GM: what ninjas?
Player 1: I can't see them, but I know that they're there.
GM: *sigh* fine.
Player 1: *rolls*
GM: five ninja corpses hit the floor.

Player 3: ceiling velociraptor is watching me.
GM: no, no, ceiling velociraptor is droping on you.
Player 3: damnit, ceiling velociraptor!

Player 3: ...but what you fail to realize is that I'm dragging a flaming gelatinous cube!

Player 3: *crawls out from under corpse* what did I miss?
GM: you see a brontosaurus with a pair of velociraptors duct-taped to either side of it's upper neck.
Player 3: :smalleek:

GM: you can either fail the roll, or eat a stick of bubble gum

GM: you have an arsenal of 30 augmented roombas, with weapons randomly determined when it becomes relevant.
[...]
GM: the doomba is armed with...
GM: *rolls*
GM: ... R.O.V.E.R strapped to it's chassis.
All Players: O.O

Player 3: don't think about kittens.
Player 4: don't.
GM: no really, don't.
Player 3: actually, if you are in a tight spot, think about kittys and all your problems will go away.
Player 2: umm... what?
GM: Just relax, It's nothing to worry about.

GM: so you're driving a tank, strapped to the decapitated neck of an enemy mecha, witch you are controlling via an ethernet cable connected to a realdoll in the cockpit.

GM: the SWAT officer throws a coukoo strapped to a piece of c4 into your tank.
Player 3: GRENADE! Everybody Out!

Inevitability
2015-05-02, 10:55 AM
Me: 'Blood' is not a color.

Sith_Happens
2015-05-02, 09:55 PM
GM: the SWAT officer throws a coukoo strapped to a piece of c4 into your tank.
Player 3: GRENADE! Everybody Out!

http://38.media.tumblr.com/a80240d65643d3dee6c743de0a460075/tumblr_n98g53HFn01qfs9zoo6_400.gif

DigoDragon
2015-05-03, 01:25 PM
Viridia: “My rhymes are so potent that in this small segment, I made all of the ladies in the first two threads pregnant.”

GM: “Rolls for Doc's 'friend', Shooty Mcgee. Needs to be under 40 to hit.”
Shooty Mcgee: *Shoots Doc thrice in the chest, two critical hits*
Doc: “So THAT is where all of Stellar's good rolls went to.”
GM: “The power of friendship always hurts when it's used against you.”
Doc: “That was 141 damage dealt after armor. Doc does not have the hit points to soak all that!”
GM: “Doc, you act like suddenly being down from the count is a bad thing for a roleplay.”
Doc: “Well, with Doc being as horribly torn up as he is after a bad combat performance due to dice rolls and now effectively out of the fight at -61 hit points, I thought that his feelings of being useless was a decently valid response, all things considered.”

Viridia: “For the record, I'm betting that shape is the HipHopopotamus.”
Stellar: “Just as long as it's not the Rhymnocerous.”

GM: “All this fight needed was a lake serpent to show up and it'll be a metal album cover.”

Viridia: “There are two ways this ends. You turn around, lay down on that beach, and wait for a merciful judgment. Or...” (Tosses a junk rifle into the air, then slashes it in half with her Blueblood Blade) “…You end up taking a long rest in a shallow grave, just like the rest of your kind. What’ll it be?”

Moon: “I look around for Doc, expecting to see him helping the injured ponies.”
Doc: “Expectation broken in 3... 2... 1...”

Moon: “Hey, have you seen Doc around? Err, he's an Earth Pony, kinda cute if you're into the nerdy doctor type, tends to get himself into a bit more trouble than he can handle?”
Doc: *Eyebrow wiggle*
Andante Shine: “He got three bullets to the chest. He's laid out in my private quarters, for the privacy.”

[B]Andante: “He's alive. I put him on a mix of Hydra, Med-X, and a few painkillers, so he's going to have to lay around a bit before he's up and talking.”
Moon: “Aw, ****. I know he had some healing potions on him. Did you give him one of those to get him back on his hooves?”
Doc: “What Andante just gave Doc was... I don't even. Hydra cures crippled limbs, Med-X is a painkiller, and then more painkillers on top of that? Welcome to Vicodin Land.”
Viridia: “Don't be so harsh on her. She had to use Med-X, because there weren't any leeches left.”

GM: “Yes, it is visibly the hippo, walking on the bottom of the lake.”
Viridia: “Y'all'd best pick up that phone, because I called it!”
Doc: “To a HipHop ringtone no less. Well at least if the ship sinks, nothing important is hurt.”

Doc: “What, no dream post or anything?”
GM: “If every near-death experience involved a prophetic dream, everyone and their mother in the wasteland would have some nugget of supernatural wisdom. Naw, Doc just has to answer the question before he can go on!”
Question: “Continue? Y/N”
Doc: “Of course YES!”

Viridia: “Hey, Brutus. Nice work with the ship! Do you think you're a bad enough dude to catch that pirate over there?”

Moon: “Is Doc alive?”
Doc: “I thought he was and will have some odd dream or something.”
GM: “He is! Something to keep him mentally occupied, as his brain slowly cools inside his skull or whoever's patching him up gets him back into working order.”
Doc: “I'm hoping the latter. I'd like him to be able to have a second chance to do something heroic. There's also the matter of him likely being the most skilled doctor in the entire town to put everyone else back together.”

bulbaquil
2015-05-03, 07:32 PM
P5: "We want [P1] to carry an armored refrigerator on his back."

GM: "You see what appears to be a swarm of lidless eyeballs, on fire."
P1: "It's the Neversoft logo!"
P3: "NOOOO!"

P2: "The shark leans mildly neutral."
P5: "So it's a neutral shark, it doesn't care?"
GM: "Tell my shark wife I said hello."

P3: "But the other [summoned] eel died."
P4: "It went back to Eel-topia."
GM: "Eel-sgard."
P3: "Eel-ysium."

P5: "He speaks silently in his native tongue, 'I need to pee.'"
P1: "I was going to go with 'Yolo', but..."

goto124
2015-05-03, 10:56 PM
Poor Doc 0-0

I'll send flowers a get-well card to him!

Sith_Happens
2015-05-04, 01:30 AM
Moon: “Hey, have you seen Doc around? Err, he's an Earth Pony, kinda cute if you're into the nerdy doctor type, tends to get himself into a bit more trouble than he can handle?”
Doc: *Eyebrow wiggle*
Andante Shine: “He got three bullets to the chest. He's laid out in my private quarters, for the privacy.”

[B]Andante: “He's alive. I put him on a mix of Hydra, Med-X, and a few painkillers, so he's going to have to lay around a bit before he's up and talking.”
Moon: “Aw, ****. I know he had some healing potions on him. Did you give him one of those to get him back on his hooves?”
Doc: “What Andante just gave Doc was... I don't even. Hydra cures crippled limbs, Med-X is a painkiller, and then more painkillers on top of that? Welcome to Vicodin Land.”
Viridia: “Don't be so harsh on her. She had to use Med-X, because there weren't any leeches left.”

Wait, is Andante the NPC I think it is?

*checks upthread*

It is.

[

http://i854.photobucket.com/albums/ab105/RoFoGifs/LockAndLoad.gif

intensifies]

goto124
2015-05-04, 02:10 AM
And now it's even more complicated because Andante helped Doc with a sticky life-and-death situation!

...who's patching Doc up...?

Necroticplague
2015-05-04, 02:55 AM
Shibu Prime+Delta:Wait, this isn't what it looks like!
Gene: Do you even know what this looks like to me?
Shibu Prime: Errrrr..........
Shibu Delta: Actually, not really.
Gene:Because it looked like you were screwing around with your ability to add and remove mutations radiation manipulations, when you accidentally cloned yourself. Then, one of you removed their hermaphroditism, and you've since been making out with yourself for quite a while, since neither of you need to sleep.
Shibu Prime: Oh. In that case, this is exactly what it looks like.

chainer1216
2015-05-04, 06:36 AM
Dread Necromancer: "Crab-Ramp down!"

DigoDragon
2015-05-04, 08:17 AM
Poor Doc 0-0
I'll send flowers a get-well card to him!

I honestly had an internal freak-out cause I thought Doc was as good as dead and I really gotten attached to him. ^^;
Luckily death isn't immediate and there were some NPCs nearby that saved him. Though sending flowers might help. He could use a good meal.



Wait, is Andante the NPC I think it is?
*checks upthread*

It is. [intensifies]

Can you let me in on this? I might have missed the connection if she's from somewhere outside the game.



And now it's even more complicated because Andante helped Doc with a sticky life-and-death situation!
...who's patching Doc up...?

Yeah, I definitely missed something with Andante. :smallredface:

As far as patching up Doc, err... basically Andante pumped him full of various meds and then left him alone. So... no one really.

Senshi Akai
2015-05-04, 08:31 AM
Bard: "I grab the old lady's balls and start juggling them around, while the rest feast with the dogs!"

Wait... But... That doesn't... What the... :smalleek:


New campaign, new quotes.
Also, for extra fun, the catfolk has a strong khajit accent (from Skyrim; really hard to fake in portuguese, if anyone want to know), and the crusader speaks like Johnson from Halo.

Crusader: So, what is your name?
Catfolk: Terhirr.
Crusader: And what does it mean?
Catfolk: … Terhirr.
Crusader: But don't you people have names with special meanings?
Catfolk: Your kin do not? Terhirr thinks that this is sad.

DM: Are you looting everything?
Crusader: Pretty much.
Rogue: Including the crops.
Barbarian: And the foundations of the house, if possible.
DM: Okay, are you leaving anything at all?
Catfolk: Sure, Terhirr will leave their skin intact.

DM: There are some fights and bets going on in the tavern.
Barbarian: Fight club!
DM: No, it is not...
Barbarian: FIGHT CLUB!

*party trying to hide, Crusader fails miserably*
Guards: What was that? I think it came from there!
Catfolk: Look, do not take this personal. Terhirr likes you a lot. *pushes Crusader against guards*
Crusader: … How ya doing?

Catfolk: Others claim to be as good as Terhirr, but they cannot be as charming as he. Thus, Terhirr always comes out on top.
*scores trip natural 20*
Catfolk: Also, Terhirr is VERY good!

Crusader: Looks like we have some dragons to hunt.
Catfolk: Terhirr has seen dragons. Perhaps you will see a dragon. Terhirr won't say where he saw one. Perhaps he did not.
DM: Please, stop quoting M'aiq the Liar.

Beige
2015-05-04, 08:45 AM
Yeah, I definitely missed something with Andante. :smallredface:

quite a few of the older quotes implied andante was putting the moves onto poor, sweet, passivly-evil Mirror, which implies she may be an enemy/rival of doc's.


As far as patching up Doc, err... basically Andante pumped him full of various meds and then left him alone. So... no one really.

so she basicly works for the NHS then?:smallbiggrin:

goto124
2015-05-04, 09:24 AM
quite a few of the older quotes implied andante was putting the moves onto poor, sweet, passivly-evil Mirror, which implies she may be an enemy/rival of doc's.

-starts checking to see if Andante is male or female-

DigoDragon
2015-05-04, 09:25 AM
quite a few of the older quotes implied andante was putting the moves onto poor, sweet, passivly-evil Mirror, which implies she may be an enemy/rival of doc's.

Oh! I see what everyone means now. Derp.

My assumption for why Andante patched Doc up was that she finds him a useful pawn towards her end game. And indeed, some of Doc's short-term goals align with Andante's so those two could work well together. Though it would be amusing if Andante actually wants Doc and was being close to Mirror in order to plot her demise. Or Maybe Andante is just greedy and wants them both. :smallbiggrin:



so she basicly works for the NHS then?:smallbiggrin:

*Snerk*



Also, for extra fun, the catfolk has a strong khajit accent (from Skyrim; really hard to fake in portuguese, if anyone want to know)

I can sort of picture it in Spanish... but... doesn't seem easy no.



-starts checking to see if Andante is male or female-

Female.

Cristo Meyers
2015-05-04, 09:47 AM
As far as patching up Doc, err... basically Andante pumped him full of various meds and then left him alone. So... no one really.



so she basicly works for the NHS then?:smallbiggrin:

Heck, by Fallout standards that's Dr. House-level of care.

Beige
2015-05-04, 10:37 AM
Doc is just irresistible to the (potentially) evil unicorns :smalltongue:

Inevitability
2015-05-04, 02:01 PM
Me: And so, we all re-enter the Age of Backstab.

Wizard: Behold my plan to get an AWESOME NIGHTMARE MOUNT by sacrificing the BBEG!
Me: You have a paladin in the party who will almost definitely not allow you to summon a being of pure evil.
Wizard: ...Behold my plan to get an AWESOME NIGHTMARE MOUNT by sacrificing the paladin!

Me: At the moment, you are fighting a vampire T-Rex and his halfling vampire master on the back of a black dragon attacking the vampire's airship, while the other half of the party is mopping up skeletal parachutists in the courtyard of a lizardfolk castle besieged by warforged. The scariest part is that this makes perfect sense in context.

Hunter Noventa
2015-05-04, 02:16 PM
Wizard: Behold my plan to get an AWESOME NIGHTMARE MOUNT by sacrificing the BBEG!
Me: You have a paladin in the party who will almost definitely not allow you to summon a being of pure evil.
Wizard: ...Behold my plan to get an AWESOME NIGHTMARE MOUNT by sacrificing the paladin!

This is why I look forward to there being an Anti-Paladin in my next campaign.

Joe the Rat
2015-05-04, 04:26 PM
Gnome Cleric: Um, Guys? I think there's something big swimming under the boat.

[beat]

[Gnome Cleric goes flying overboard with a rope tied to his ankle]

Gnome Cleric: I HATE YOU ALLbrlugbbblubbble!

Yukitsu
2015-05-04, 07:55 PM
Me: I think this person I kidnapped has Stockholm Syndrome. She's possessive and clingy and won't let me go out of the house without her now. But suddenly I'm starting to find those traits oddly endearing...
Shrink: OK, stop right there for a moment...

Me: This is probably just going to be data gathering, I find our mark's daily pattern, what classes she has, what clubs etc.
-later-
Me: OK, well, I didn't expect things to be going quite this well, I was not prepared for this level of success. Let me just think about it, since I figured the school would be on fire, the mark would be half dead and I'd be running from an elite security squad.

Me: But I'm not trying to seduce anyone.
DM: Well, whatever you're not doing it's working.

Me: I kind of didn't plan on this job going down the road it's going, but when life gives you lemons.
DM: So is that what we're calling them now.

goto124
2015-05-05, 02:09 AM
Wizard: Behold my plan to get an AWESOME NIGHTMARE MOUNT by sacrificing the BBEG!
Me: You have a paladin in the party who will almost definitely not allow you to summon a being of pure evil.
Wizard: ...Behold my plan to get an AWESOME NIGHTMARE MOUNT by sacrificing the paladin!

What did the paladin say? Is he/she a PC or NPC?

-still wondering if the paladin was male or female-

Inevitability
2015-05-05, 03:50 AM
What did the paladin say? Is he/she a PC or NPC?

PC, and it was a (half-serious) conversation in between two sessions so the paladin wasn't there.

DigoDragon
2015-05-05, 07:44 AM
Doc: “Since Doc has been having a lot of these bad dreams, is there a chance he can attempt to realize he's dreaming? Maybe snap out of it?”
Viridia: “No kidding. He's had two ‘normal’ nightmares, one Snow-nightmare, and now a dying dream. All in two days.”
Doc: “Also the ‘daymare’ he had from that shrine he found at the beach with Seaweed. How does this stallion remain so positive and determined?”
Viridia: “Drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.”
Doc: “Apparently! ...except he doesn't take any.”
Viridia: “Take, no. Use on patients, yes.”
Doc: “So Doc gets high by proxy?”

Viridia: “New IC time?”
Doc: “Probably. We could help the GM speed things along by thinking up a name for it.”
Viridia: “Tarts and Tribulations?”
Doc: “I blame Monty Python for my inability to interpret Tarts as the pastry on the first try.”

Stellar: “Did we even get any shortcake?”
Doc: “I was shot, caked in blood, so... guess there was a typo in the thread title somewhere.”

Doc: “Alright, let's find who I gotta murder to get back. Cause it’s happening!”

GM: “And then he woke up, in a dark room with a candle burning, feeling really high.”
Doc: (Waving a hoof in front of his nose) “Hey... I could really use some munchies.”

GM: “Purplecicle garage fox xylophones! All hard every-turtles are gilded sands! Black stars, she robes! Very good tiny bird, scented candles!”

Doc: (Knocking on a door) “Help? Please assist? Ketchup?”

Shade: “You poor, tired creature. Do you need help?”
Doc: “Yeah. I... I think I died and went to the future. But now I'm here, though I'm not sure where 'here' is. And the ceiling's all... so very high.”

Doc: (Leans on Shade) “I'm sorry... don't mean to lean against... Ursa Major there. Your stars are pretty today.”
Shade: (Who’s much smaller than Doc) “Stars and moon, lay off the snack cakes.”

Doc: “Did I... just get a bunch of me on you? How rude of me!”

Fascine: “I'm the one that split the filly's head!”
Viridia: “I'll be gentle with it.”

Shade: (Sarcastically) “Oh, Andante Shine drugging a stallion and bringing him into her personal quarters. The scandal!”
Andante: “Shade, you shouldn't be talking. Celestia knows why you're keeping a whole family around.”
Shade: “You know me better than that, Andante. I help ponies.”
Andante: “You do. Can't deny that.”
Shade: “No, you cannot.”
[Beat]
Andante: “Want something to eat?”
Shade: “Of course. And then, we should discuss lunch.”

Beige
2015-05-05, 08:26 AM
doc is like catnip to all the (evil) unicorn mares, aint he :smalltongue:

TurboGhast
2015-05-05, 08:31 AM
Shannaria: I'm going to kill you!
Hochimay: Why? I'm trying to help.

Paladin: Don't cause a scene.
Shannaria: You want to see me cause a scene? *Fires bow*

Shannaria: I was sneaking in here to start a fight, and I failed to incite this one!

Frank: I create an illusion of Tiamat in the doorway.
DM:Tiamat's too big for your illusion, so a mini-Tiamat appears.

DM: The map's in Draconic.
Multiple PCs: Give it to me! I've got this!

And this is the end of the quotes this adventure has. I played one of the characters, and hope someone can guess whom I played as.

DigoDragon
2015-05-05, 08:32 AM
doc is like catnip to all the (evil) unicorn mares, aint he :smalltongue:

LOL, I guess he is!

All BBEG mares have the hots for Doc. :smallbiggrin:

Rater202
2015-05-05, 08:53 AM
You an evil mare?

You are Foe Yay for Doc. No exceptions.

Marnath
2015-05-05, 10:10 AM
LOL, I guess he is!

All BBEG mares have the hots for Doc. :smallbiggrin:

Isn't that kind of like winning by default, since he's the only guy in the group?

DigoDragon
2015-05-05, 10:34 AM
Isn't that kind of like winning by default, since he's the only guy in the group?

In theory, yes. :D
In reality he's 3rd place out of four PCs that is seeing any action (1 shared kiss thus far) and the GM's "Voice Inside Doc's Head" encounter (makes sense in context) is giving him mixed messages about pursuing Mirror because of her status and upbringing (she's daughter of the third most powerful pony back home. At best doc would be a slave in her lands). It's kind of like Disney's Aladdin, with Doc being the proverbial skilled street rat to Mirror's Jasmine.

Except Doc has no genie.

Or a monkey.

Or pants. :smallbiggrin:

goto124
2015-05-05, 10:40 AM
Are those signals discouraging or encouraging you to go on with Mirror, by the way?

Hazuki
2015-05-05, 11:15 AM
doc is like catnip to all the (evil) unicorn mares, aint he :smalltongue:Except for Greendream, Olive Leaf, Special Snowflake...



All BBEG mares have the hots for Doc. :smallbiggrin:Sari, Olive Branch...


You an evil mare?

You are Foe Yay for Doc. No exceptions.And Jenna.


Isn't that kind of like winning by default, since he's the only guy in the group?If not for the existence of sexualities other than heterosexual, yes.

DigoDragon
2015-05-05, 11:32 AM
Are those signals discouraging or encouraging you to go on with Mirror, by the way?

According to the GM: Yes. :smalltongue:



Except for Greendream, Olive Leaf, Special Snowflake...
Sari, Olive Branch...

And Andante, Shade, Linseed... pretty much everyone not Mirror.

And Mirror is iffy. :smallwink:

Beige
2015-05-05, 11:33 AM
Except for Greendream, Olive Leaf, Special Snowflake...

oh noes. how dare we not know the entire context of a game we're not part of from quotes in a non-context thread. whatever next...

get over yourself, please.

GrayGriffin
2015-05-05, 12:40 PM
Everett: "But don't worry, Cori has life-saving kisses"
Kenta: "Bide. Go figure. But at least you guys took it out before it could do more... what?"
Everett: 'Huh, nothing"
* Kenta 's head whips around so fast you all hear his neck pop
* Coriander flushes red.
Everett: "careful, you're gonna hurt your neck doing that"
Kenta: "Life-saving... kiss... huh?"
Everett: "Not that I'm a doctor or anything."
Everett: "Well she's a witch, right?"
Coriander: "I...ah...no, it wasn't...ah..." Cori stammers.
Kenta: "She's more like a magical girl..." Kenta answers absently
Everett: "Anyway, We Should Check Out The Lazy River"
Coriander: "I...um...yeah, let's go check that out!"

Coriander: "Good luck!"
* Coriander darts forward to place a kiss on Kenta's cheek.
* Kenta flushes brightly, and before she can dart away, returns the kiss with one of his own to her cheek
Kenta: "Thanks."
Dan: (( SHIP SHIP SHIP SHIP ))
* Coriander blushes as well.
* Kenta heads up into the water slide
Fern: "Is that what you meant by magic kisses?"
Coriander: "Eeek! I forgot you were there..."
* Ryouta gives a smirk to Cori
* Coriander places Fern on the ground and buries her reddening face in her hands.
Ryouta: We are all here.
Ryouta: Kenta and Cori, sitting in a tree
Ryouta: K I S S I N G
Coriander: "...don't you start..."

Coriander: "I don't mind not going. I didn't even bring a swimsuit for this."
Ryouta: Okay, then I'll go again!
* Kenta realizes that Cori's outfit is mostly white, and blushes furiously
Everett: "Might as well test our knowledge on all sides"
* Ryouta goes down the waterslide
Kenta: "Yeah, I think that maybe it would be for the best for Cori to not go on the slides if we can help it..."
Fern: "Why?"
Coriander: "Just trust me on this."
Kenta: "White clothes tend to turn see-through..." Kenta mutters
* Kenta's face is so red he looks like he's on the verge of heatstroke

Ryouta pops out of the waterslide. A triumphant fanfare goes over the loudspeaker.
Jon has connected.
Coriander: "I think that means you got all of them right!"
Kenta: "Good job Ryouta."
Fern: "Yay! Congratulations!"
"ZEHAHAHAHA! Well done, muscle-head! Maybe there's more than brawn in you after all!"
Coriander: "Yeah, congrats!"
Ryouta: I just picked the most evil sounding name for the last one...
Coriander: "The last one?"
Kenta: "What was the last one?"
Everett: What was the last one?
Ryouta: Who is the boss?
Kenta: ...
Ryouta: Gyarados, sharpedo, or blastoise
Ryouta: I guessed sharpedo, it just sounds the most evil
Kenta: "Craaaaaap."
Ryouta: a shark mixed with a torpedo
"...So you won on pure dumb luck? I guess it -is- just muscle in there."
Ryouta: I'll show you muscle when I KICK YOUR BUTT!
Borchev: "Sharpedo? No wonder is having such big fat mouth."
* Ryouta pulls down his eyelid and sticks out his tongue

DigoDragon
2015-05-05, 01:38 PM
"...So you won on pure dumb luck?"

This is pretty much how many of my character get through life. :smallbiggrin:

Lots of great quotes there!

cavalieredraghi
2015-05-05, 02:30 PM
Except Doc has no

pants :smallbiggrin:

Little Quick moving there aren't you doc. :smallwink:

Necroticplague
2015-05-05, 02:59 PM
Not sure if mentioned before, but the name not in all caps are player screenames, so the several 'shibu's and 'gene's are the same player, but different characters. So far, the exception is the adventurers of Maya and Kreig.
GUARD: You have been called to the king's court for attendance. He has decided, by royal decree, to personally judge you.
Shibu:Great, this is gonna suck. Who here has the highest Diplomacy (or failing that, bluff)?
Gene:I do!
GM:......You're a Death Worm. Why do you have any ranks at all?
Gene: Because nobody expects the diplomatic Death Worm!
*One courtroom scene later*
DM: Despite your lack of understandable speech, you somehow manage to move the king enough through acid-frothing tone alone that he becomes convinced this was a large misunderstanding.

Sith_Happens
2015-05-05, 04:36 PM
Me: I think this person I kidnapped has Stockholm Syndrome. She's possessive and clingy and won't let me go out of the house without her now. But suddenly I'm starting to find those traits oddly endearing...
Shrink: OK, stop right there for a moment...

Me: This is probably just going to be data gathering, I find our mark's daily pattern, what classes she has, what clubs etc.
-later-
Me: OK, well, I didn't expect things to be going quite this well, I was not prepared for this level of success. Let me just think about it, since I figured the school would be on fire, the mark would be half dead and I'd be running from an elite security squad.

Me: But I'm not trying to seduce anyone.
DM: Well, whatever you're not doing it's working.

Me: I kind of didn't plan on this job going down the road it's going, but when life gives you lemons.
DM: So is that what we're calling them now.

These all sound like parts of an incredibly twisted romantic comedy.:smallbiggrin:


Doc: “Did I... just get a bunch of me on you? How rude of me!”

I hereby refuse to believe that you're talking about blood here.:smalltongue:


Andante: “Want something to eat?”
Shade: “Of course. And then, we should discuss lunch.”

http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/r2d/images/6/69/George-Takei-oh-my.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20140823031959


Doc is just irresistible to the (potentially) evil unicorns :smalltongue:


doc is like catnip to all the (evil) unicorn mares, aint he :smalltongue:


LOL, I guess he is!

All BBEG mares have the hots for Doc. :smallbiggrin:


You an evil mare?

You are Foe Yay for Doc. No exceptions.


Isn't that kind of like winning by default, since he's the only guy in the group?


In theory, yes. :D
In reality he's 3rd place out of four PCs that is seeing any action (1 shared kiss thus far) and the GM's "Voice Inside Doc's Head" encounter (makes sense in context) is giving him mixed messages about pursuing Mirror because of her status and upbringing (she's daughter of the third most powerful pony back home. At best doc would be a slave in her lands). It's kind of like Disney's Aladdin, with Doc being the proverbial skilled street rat to Mirror's Jasmine.

Keep in mind, all of this is without the Lady Killer perk.:smallcool:

Marnath
2015-05-05, 08:29 PM
If not for the existence of sexualities other than heterosexual, yes.

The context of that statement was already people who are interested in Doc, so yeah. Some of them undoubtedly like women too, but that doesn't invalidate what I said.

goto124
2015-05-05, 09:05 PM
Come to think of it, we haven't seen any stallions who like Doc...

That, or Doc's the only stallion in the game..

Rater202
2015-05-05, 09:14 PM
It's equestria-mares outnumber stallions five to one.

If it weren't for polyamory and magic lesbian babies, they'd have died out decades before all the ponies and zebras replaced their brains with conflict and idiot balls.

Sith_Happens
2015-05-05, 09:51 PM
polyamory

So a harem actually is a possible outcome here.:smallcool:

Rater202
2015-05-05, 10:00 PM
It's a common fanon thing inMLP for poly relationships to be considered, not the norm, but accepted.

The magic lesbian babies thing was something I took from a fanfic that introduced the concept to help explain away the discrepancy in gender ratios.

How likely it is really depends on the other people in that group go, but I believe I've mentioned my PC Gear in the "Things I can't do" thread. Digo's in that game, too, and we've had a few conversations concerning hypotheticals-if My PC was hetero-or-bisexual, there would have been a nonzero chance Digo's PC would have ended up being a female Pony Hugh Hefner with an Earth Pony colt and a Crystal Pony colt under either foreleg as her bunnies.

Make of that what you will on Doc's chances.

TheHoodedTeddy
2015-05-05, 10:14 PM
I forgot one.

Me: Hold on, I left my money in my chest.
Shopkeep: Its okay, I'll keep it on hold for-
Me: Opens chest compartment.

One of the many perks of being a warforged.

DigoDragon
2015-05-06, 07:23 AM
From an RP elsewhere--

GM: "You pass by the DMV."
Doc: "Oh, let's stop here for some drinks."
Terry: "I don't think this is a bar."
Doc: "Department of Molotov Vodka!"
Terry: "..."
GM: "I'm totally making that a thing now."

GM: "I need a Ponified idea for a town name."
Terry: "Blatant Horse Pun."
GM: "Yeah, one of those."
Terry: "No, that's the name of the town. Blatant Horse Pun."



Come to think of it, we haven't seen any stallions who like Doc...
That, or Doc's the only stallion in the game..

There are a few other stallions out there, but they are rare and most of them dislike talking with Doc for whatever reason. Every male bartender has actively ignored him. :smalltongue:
That 5-to-1 ratio of females to males mentioned is not a bad guess.



Make of that what you will on Doc's chances.

Heh, I don't really see him as the type. One is difficult enough for him, what with all the checks and quests he's had to do so far and still no payoff. XD
I can't imagine the epic campaign needed to establish the Hefner status. O.o`



Me: Opens chest compartment.

One of the many perks of being a warforged.

This is one of those quotes that really works without context, hee hee. :D

Milodiah
2015-05-06, 08:31 AM
"I don't know about you, but usually I don't achieve free-fall while going to the bathroom."

Necroticplague
2015-05-06, 08:46 AM
Bruta:Er, I get that it's normally a common procedure, but considering your line of work....
Shibu: Hey, these are definitely useful for our running!
Bruta: How are 5 pounds of silicon gonna help?
Shibu: *Intense laughter* What makes you think these are silicone? Like I'd waster perfectly good 'ware space like that!
Gene:............Bio or Cyber?
Shibu: Backup comllinks, in case I lose my gun.
Gene: Great, as if it wasn't bad enough that your gun was smarter than me, now your boobs have a higher IQ than me.

Sith_Happens
2015-05-06, 09:40 AM
Heh, I don't really see him as the type. One is difficult enough for him, what with all the checks and quests he's had to do so far and still no payoff. XD
I can't imagine the epic campaign needed to establish the Hefner status. O.o`

Sure, in-character Doc isn't the type. Out-of-character, on the other hand, I'm going to keep lobbying for you to take an always-on double-strength Lady Killer perk.:smallamused:

IZ42
2015-05-06, 10:05 AM
Mokan: Marvin you useless hunk of scrap metal! *grumble grumble*

GM: The skeleton stands up and immediately falls back on his arse.

Mokan: I should keep track of my near-death experiences.

GM: You could say the fin looks bone white.
Party: :smalleek:

Nae: Bone Closet sounds like a euphemism that I am definitely going to use later.

GM: You see a pool of water, completely black, around the same level as the main cavern. When you drop the light down, it sinks quickly down, revealing the pool to be extremely deep. Just before it passes out of sight, you see the walls of the shaft widen out.
Mokan: Nope Nope Nope Nope NOPE.

GM: When you reach the main cavern, you notice something is missing. The silhouette of the Megalodon no longer appears to be there.
Party: :smalleek:

Yukitsu
2015-05-06, 01:47 PM
These all sound like parts of an incredibly twisted romantic comedy.:smallbiggrin:


Yeah, that's pretty much where it seems to be heading, which is probably a bit inconsistent given how many of my buddies have been getting horribly killed.

Sith_Happens
2015-05-06, 04:31 PM
Yeah, that's pretty much where it seems to be heading, which is probably a bit inconsistent given how many of my buddies have been getting horribly killed.

I did say "comedy," didn't I?:smallamused:

The Second
2015-05-07, 12:50 AM
From one of my favorite sessions from a long time ago.

Scene: A temple somewhere in the middle of a huge friggin desert.
Players: A half orc barbarian, an elf summoner, and a human cleric of Amaunator.

DM: You step into the massive stone structure; the inside is nearly pitch black except for what little light filters in through the doorway.

All: (OOC) can we see anything?

DM: Well, those of you with dark vision can see it's very dark. Those with low light vision can see it's very, very dark.

Summoner: You got a light priest?

Cleric: Err... no.

Cue barbarian pulling out a lamp.

DM: So, the least intelligent person in the group was the only one to prepare a light source?

Sum & Priest: (OOC) Shut up.

A good bit of fumbling around later and the group triggers a trap that releases a huge cobra into the room.

Priest: Aha! Sticks to snakes!

Sum: Yeah, and I summon more snakes!

Barb: Stands way back and watches.

DM: Yeah. Little snakes bite big snake. Big snake gets pissed, eats little snakes. What now?

Some more time later, the group finds a dias in the middle of a room on which sits a pedestal topped by a single switch. Priest is in the next room, looting.

Sum: Hey, Barb, go pull that switch.

Barb: Duh, okie dokie. (Pulls switch)

DM: Priest, the ceiling of the room you are in opens and a mountain of sand rushed down. (Priest fails Reflex save). It buries you alive.

Priest: #$&^@, guys! Why'd you do that?

Sum: She did it!

Barb: He told me to!

Final room of the temple and the group encounters a huge golden sun disk. Nearby is a large plaque which no one can read. (Priest failed know religion, Summoner failed know arcana, everyone failed decipher script (0 ranks in the party))

Priest: It looks like a trap.

Sum: Definitely a trap. Barb, go touch it or something.

Barb: Duh, okie dokie. (Touches the sun disk)

DM: Barb, you are surrounded by a shimmering golden aura. A deep, majestic voice rings out: "You have been found worthy of the blessing of the mighty Amaunator!" Barb, gain +1 Wis.

Preist: @^#%!

Barb: I have been blind, but now I see! (rambles on philosophically for about five minutes.)

Senshi Akai
2015-05-07, 07:52 AM
Not much from monday. Two players couldn't play, but we got some:

NPC: I will rip your arm off for what you did to me!
Bard: What did you do?
Rogue: Uh, you don't want to know.

Bard: Lass, it is time for you to finally drink something with me!
Sorceress: Finally! I want a beer.
Bard: By all means. Bartender, your finest glass of milk for my lass.
Sorceress: …
Bard: I never said you could drink alcohol. Now, give me my ale!

Paladin: I use my bow to shoot him in the leg. *natural 1*
DM: Critical mishap! Let's see... You miss, and gain +2 to every attacks for 3 rounds.
Paladin: … What? What if it was a natural 20?
DM: Let's see... You hit for six times damage, but destroy your bow in the proccess.
Rogue: I love this chart!


From another campaign that happened a long time ago:

Wizard: I cast an illusion on the dragon. He is now pink.
Rogue: I wonder if he breath rainbows now.
Wizard: DONE!

Wizard: I cast an illusion of an illusion.
DM: The thief disbelieves it, and now thinks the illusion is real.
Party: … Wait, WHAT?

Wizard: I order the dragon simulacrum to keep patrolling here. The humans simulacra will stand in front, while the triceratops simulacra…
Fighter: When we switched d&d for War?

*using peanuts as miniatures*
Fighter’s player: Hey, what happened to my fighter?
DM: … The dragon ate him.

Wizard: Whoa! How long have I been dead?
Cleric: Just two days, don’t worry.
Wizard: Dammit! I lost my girlfriend’s birthday.
Fighter: She will understand. We defeated the lich.
Wizard: She is the necromancer who CREATED that lich!
Rogue: … Oh, f**k!

goto124
2015-05-07, 07:57 AM
Wizard: I cast an illusion of an illusion.
DM: The thief disbelieves it, and now thinks the illusion is real.
Party: … Wait, WHAT?

Everyone make a DC 17 Will save to avoid 10 psychic damage.

Including the players.

DigoDragon
2015-05-07, 08:07 AM
Wizard: Dammit! I lost my girlfriend’s birthday.
Fighter: She will understand. We defeated the lich.
Wizard: She is the necromancer who CREATED that lich!

Eep! O.O


Including the players.

I auto-fail and take an additional 6 points of migraine.


Viridia: “You've managed to have a friendly relationship with griffons? My encounters with them normally end with one of us dead.”

Andante: “By the way the body looked, she might as well have gargled radioactive waste.”

Shade: “She reminds me of you, actually. Hungry for success, intelligent, but not yet having a waist that has suffered years of sweet wines and chocolates...”

GM: “The greatest threat to the world has just been mentioned!”
Doc: “Excellent, so the stoned pony high off Med-X will totally alert everyone and... oh.”

Shade: “Fair enough. Please tell me tonight's diversion does not have elephants in the example?”

GM: “Given that Oakville's a place that the party saved, twice, it's inherently a safe place for the party.”
Viridia: “Aside from the pirate attacks, Talons in the slums, creepy magic priestess, and a vaguely evil information broker…”

Moon: “You’re sleeping in an inn. Once you get past the cut scene, you'll be at full HP naturally.”

Viridia: “Doc can remember a conversation from being high out of his mind, but not Viridia informing him that Shade isn't to be trusted?”
Doc: “My brain’s still booting up after being mostly-dead all day.”

Doc: “Not every day one gives their life protecting folks.”
GM: “Doc's 'reward' is incoming, of course.”
Doc: “Despite the quotes used there, I'm all for this.”

Viridia: “At least the food problem can be solved by eating the pirate corpses.”

GM: “Fascine is treating Viridia as New Special Snowflake, which should be far more interesting for Viridia. What that means is up for interpretation.”
Viridia: “Does it mean... cuddling?”
Doc: “I'm thinking ‘Minion with Benefits’”
Viridia: *ConfusedMinion.jpg*

Andante: “Count down from one-hundred, backwards.”
Doc: (Walking backwards) “100, 99, 98... 97... 95, no 96... 95... 94...”

Doc: “I guess you and Shade want privacy so... I shouldn't fuss.”
Andante: “Privacy, yes.”
Shade: “Ooh, we could go to the chapter you-”
Andante: “That is for a rainy day. And he's high right now. That would be wrong.”

Moon: “Hello? Any ponies with a questionable sense of fashion living in here? Zombie ponies need not answer!”
GM: “As Moonshadow walked down the hall, she noticed something deeply unsettling; that wall of darkness looked as solid as the floor under her.”
Moon: “There aren't any pirates in here. I know there aren't any pirates. And yet I'm still going down the creepy doom hallway.”

Doc: “Normally I'd treat a kind lady who saved my life for drinks and a warm hug, but the first mare to save me was gay, and you own the tavern, so I'm kind of at a disadvantage here.”

FabulousFizban
2015-05-07, 08:35 AM
Fizban: I make some custard for the barbarian
DM: How?
Fizban: I have ranks in craft alchemy
DM: That does not let you know how to make custard
Fizban: I also have ranks in craft confection
DM: *sigh*

Sith_Happens
2015-05-07, 06:53 PM
Paladin: I use my bow to shoot him in the leg. *natural 1*
DM: Critical mishap! Let's see... You miss, and gain +2 to every attacks for 3 rounds.
Paladin: … What? What if it was a natural 20?
DM: Let's see... You hit for six times damage, but destroy your bow in the proccess.
Rogue: I love this chart!

http://i.minus.com/iWjUmZgidcfsL.gif

IZ42
2015-05-07, 08:29 PM
http://i.minus.com/iWjUmZgidcfsL.gif

Don't you just love critical charts?

AdmiralCheez
2015-05-07, 09:33 PM
DM: No, you notice he's not breathing.
Warlock: Ah, well, there goes that spell idea.
Fighter: ...Remove Air?


DM: He's not here, so all the bardic inspiration goes away. In fact, his character gets hit by an empty bottle thrown by an audience member and passes out.
Warlock: Aww, come on, we need that.
Fighter: Our bard just got knocked out by a bottle of cheap booze! We can't be inspired by that!
Warlock: I can; I didn't like him that much.


Ranger: Aww, I wanted to be the Sparta.


Druid: Stop taunting the Emperor! You don't have enough HP for that!


DM: Your arrow flies by the Emperor's head and into the crowd, striking a spectator. His friends erupt in cheer.
Fighter: It's like catching a foul ball at a baseball game.


DM: The Emperor lies dead in his arena by your hand. There's panic and concern in the crowd. What do you do now?
Fighter: I... take his head? Will that help us?
DM: Good luck leaving the city alive.

TurboGhast
2015-05-08, 05:29 PM
These are part of a slow moving, other 4e adventure.


Kriv: Dragonborn Fighter.
Paelias: Eldarin Wizard
Donn: Half Elf Cleric.
Hope: Tiefling Star Pact Warlock. Joined later into the game.


DM: Take all the time you like. I don't know how the monster behind that door can get out.

Kriv: I move towards the dragon.
Donn: So do I.
DM: The dragon flies over the ice towards Paelias.
Paelias: Uh oh...

DM: Make perception checks.
Kriv: Natural 20!
DM: You trip over the illusion leading to the villain's secret lair.

DM: The town's name is Nonam. Yes, that is no name with the e dropped.

Hope: I suggest to Donn that she mov-
Donn: My character's male.

Fable Wright
2015-05-08, 06:19 PM
Barb: I have been blind, but now I see! (rambles on philosophically for about five minutes.)

...When I read this, the word philosophically was rearranged in my mind to a cross of philosophically and psychotically. Philochotically? Either way, you've given me the mental image of a barbarian insanely rambling about the truths of the universe, and I can't get it out of my head. So thanks for that.

Rakoa
2015-05-09, 01:42 AM
...When I read this, the word philosophically was rearranged in my mind to a cross of philosophically and psychotically. Philochotically? Either way, you've given me the mental image of a barbarian insanely rambling about the truths of the universe, and I can't get it out of my head. So thanks for that.

And now you've done it to all of us. Thanks for that!

OctoberRaven
2015-05-09, 02:08 AM
DM: Do either of you brig up Maria or Miss Matsuki?
Vertman's player: I bring up the latter, the story wouldn't be complete without her.
Matilda's player: Any flattery of her is met with rolled eyes.
Vertman's player: I only flatter her once.
Matilda's player: Then I only roll my eyes once.

Yukitsu
2015-05-09, 12:47 PM
Me: I was supposed to be resting, I didn't have any down time while you *******s were spending 2 weeks off. Why am I always the one sneaking into these buildings?
Player 2: What were you doing that prevented you from spending the weeks resting?
Me: Our former hostage.
Player 2: No sympathy for you or your problems. Get in there.

Me: OK, so I can move slowly and deliberately to fool the motion sensor, I'm invisible so I avoid the laser trip wire and the cameras, if I flicker on and off my jammer as I go through the door, I can prevent the camera from seeing the door open and close, I'm veiled in the astral plane and I don't set off the pressure sensors. Just one more door to check I guess.
DM: You open the door and see a guard sitting at a desk. He looks up at the opening door, a bit confused before getting up.
Me: I close the door, go back up the stairs, and just go home.

CKirk
2015-05-09, 07:30 PM
Krystal: "We're going to bootstrap our way to FTL mid-flight"

Rock Candy: "Space bear not to scale"

GM: "You punched him in the mind so hard he nearly died"

GM: "The ghost ship appears on your starbord side"
Krystal: "Right, let's return it to our employer"

Analog: "You can *make* genitalia!"

Rater202
2015-05-09, 07:43 PM
Zircon Stone:Can that be our Plan B?
Gear:That can be plan E. Plan A is sneak in, Plan B is threaten them with lightening, Plan C is use lightening, and Plan D is "surrender or else Giant".

Sith_Happens
2015-05-10, 04:18 AM
Player 2: What were you doing that prevented you from spending the weeks resting?
Me: Our former hostage.

Not sure if that smooth or that evil. -.-


Me: OK, so I can move slowly and deliberately to fool the motion sensor, I'm invisible so I avoid the laser trip wire and the cameras, if I flicker on and off my jammer as I go through the door, I can prevent the camera from seeing the door open and close, I'm veiled in the astral plane and I don't set off the pressure sensors. Just one more door to check I guess.
DM: You open the door and see a guard sitting at a desk. He looks up at the opening door, a bit confused before getting up.
Me: I close the door, go back up the stairs, and just go home.

+1 Internets to your GM.:smalltongue:


Plan B is threaten them with lightening, Plan C is use lightening

http://esbropharmacy.com/m/images_us/tio-nacho-all-day-volume-natural-lighten.jpg

Elricaltovilla
2015-05-10, 07:58 AM
Party Dwarf: "I'm bleeding out! Hurry up and punch me!"

Rater202
2015-05-10, 08:07 AM
Not sure if that smooth or that evil. -.-



+1 Internets to your GM.:smalltongue:



http://esbropharmacy.com/m/images_us/tio-nacho-all-day-volume-natural-lighten.jpg

I meant lightning.:smallmad:

DigoDragon
2015-05-10, 08:37 AM
Moon: “INCOMING TEST SHOT! SPEAK NOW OR DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT THE BULLET HOLE!” (Shoots the darkness)
Voice in the Dark: “Hey! Why are you shooting at me?!”
Moon: “What did I just say? You didn't speak up, you don't get to complain! …And that goes if you are a little filly, or if you actually are the building itself.”

Doc: “Huh, I might have found a shipper on the Quotes thread.”
Quote: [Goto124: ‘I wish Doc good luck in getting Mirror!’]
Viridia: “I ship Brutus/Pirate Ships.”
GM: “It would be more like Mirror getting Doc, really. He's the cute guy in her story.”
Doc: “Yeah that's true. She isn't the guy in my story... wait.”

Doc: Speaking of crack, I have no idea why Doc just made the pep talk he just did…”
Viridia: “You mean babbling like a madman? That's a skill to put on your resume.”

Doc: “Anyone else feeling uncomfortable that Shade hands out pity like McDonald's coupons?”
GM: “That's the most uncomfortable thing about Shade?”
Doc: “Should I be fearing something else? I mean, okay she has a cultist vibe, sure, but I found it more interesting than creepy.”
GM: “Doc noticed something that wasn't there before! Or a lack of something!”
Doc: “Um... guess I should re-read the thread then. I may have noticed it but didn't click on the importance. Unless you want to just hit me on the head with it. That works too.”

Doc: “Very good then! Viridia knows how to handle Griffons. Like big winged kittens... that shoot your face off.”

GM: “Andante, while having good intentions, was of the 'stick things into bleeding holes and hope it heals' method of life-saving.”

Viridia: “Allow me to demonstrate my wondrous psychic abilities: We'll all go to the factory and become Shade's lackeys. 100% guarantee, or your money back.”
Doc: “We actually could get our money back?”

Viridia: “The pirates have headed for the slums, right? And isn't that where Penny is staying?”
Moon: “I suppose a few fled into the slums, but that's a big place full of traps.”
Doc: “And exploding teddy bears.”

Viridia: “There's got to be something in Tauronto's water. First Doc, then Penny and Moonshadow, and now River Moss. They've all been infected with some kind of love parasite.
Moon: “It's pretty pegasus syndrome. A pegasus swooping in to save the day is basically the most desirable pony ever.”
Viridia: “But...swooping is bad...”
Doc: “Hey, if you don't want that parasite, step aside and let a pretty mare catch it for Doc!”
Viridia: “Never! I might not particularly want it, but I'll be damned if I start being charitable now.”

GM: “Well, Mirror probably only existed when he was around, so she probably hadn't moved since he last saw her.”
Doc: “This is either some kind of self-depreciating humor at failing to give a long-standing NPC a rounded personality or the strangest meta form of hinting on where Doc should be heading.”

Viridia: “Damnit, voice inside my head! It's been one day! I may be Equestria's greatest love machine, but this is crazier than a hippo underwear model.”

GM: “Medical Bay wiped the side of her mouth! Using a scalpel with your teeth was a bloody business for an earth pony.”
Viridia: “It's a good thing ponies never get diseases transmitted by the exchange of bodily fluids, or that could be dangerous.”
Doc: “This is where buffing up your Endurance stat might come into play. Or maybe Earth Pony saliva has the same anti-bacterial properties of Formula 409.”
Viridia: “You have no idea how difficult it is to not make an inappropriate joke about that.”

Yukitsu
2015-05-10, 02:50 PM
Not sure if that smooth or that evil. -.-


I can't convince her to leave, so probably neither. I'm actually pretty sure I'm being played here, but I'm not sure for what yet.

JohnTheSavage
2015-05-10, 07:31 PM
A Mass Effect Fate campaign I recently finished with my RL group ended up producing some great moments. Just off the top of my head:

Player: "Okay, I round the corner and attempt to lose the mercs by blending into the crowd."
GM: "Yeah, that's not going to work."
Player: "What? Why not?"
GM: "Because you're still ON FIRE."

C-Sec Guard: "Sorry sir, but we can't let you into the presidium. Records have you listed as an "extreme security risk"."
Player: "What? This is because I'm a krogan, isn't it? Racist turian pyjak."
C-Sec Guard: *Consults his Omni-tool for a moment* "Says here that you incited an all-out firefight in the Wards, during which you threw a Council Spectre out of a sixth-storey window."
Player: "It was just the one firefight..."

JNAProductions
2015-05-10, 07:46 PM
"Bear drop kick!"

Cluedrew
2015-05-10, 07:50 PM
Context: None.

"Seriously guys, I am three years old and I'm not that stupid."

*Complex Secret Handshake*
"So you're from the underwood."
"Varagen?"
"Yes, Ebony?"
"Dude, I haven't seen you since we were 12 in in Miss Evergreen's class."
"102."
"I haven't seen you since we were a 102."
"Dude."
"Dude."
Rest of Party: ...

"OK, the entire party is now a single pac-man. Wakka Wakka Wakka."

"Do we have a particular reason to try and get through this gate?"
"Well I haven't actual-"
"Waffles, we are trying to get into the gated waffle community."

"What you we role for awkward flirting?"
{Beat}
"I have no idea."

"That would be an odd specialization."
"Don't bother with regular flirting, all flirting is awkward."

"A guard waking in, sees your work and is stunned out of his mind."
"I stop puffing on my pipe for a moment and say 'Ceci n'est pas une sword'. Then I leave."

Lord Raziere
2015-05-10, 08:04 PM
"Selling sand here! Premium sand! Far better than regular ol' sand you see everyday! Only 20 gold a pound!"

"I have seen the future. Someone is going to murder a clown. I must be there punish them when they do so."

"Though it may at first be fine, the same sausage every day palls with time."

"Behold, my succubus harem."

Kel'Thuzad: "What the hell is communism?"

goto124
2015-05-11, 02:15 AM
This is why I took so long to reply. Sorry about the quality! I never realised how cute Doc is until I drew him.


http://i.imgur.com/vRP2KAx.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/HVzccMH.png


While we're at it, ponycodes to recreate Viridia in Pony Creator (http://generalzoi.deviantart.com/art/Pony-Creator-Full-Version-254295904). Seems that the one given by Hazuki were for a different version of the Pony Creator that's been taken down.

Ponycode: 2S43000030FEFEFEFFC49D00501602A8CJN183700200000050 F4C907FF7FFF0T107F3FCC004CB2

Accessory Code: 066CC66066CC66066CC66066CC66066CC6604E8FBAFFFF8C06 6CC66066CC66066CC66066CC66

Pose Code:
000000000000287048000000000000000000000000000000

GreatGunKing
2015-05-11, 05:06 AM
DM: Gun, you can't holy-waterboard the vampire noble for information.
Me: F**kin' watch me.

Player 2: I give nearby players a +1 ac bonus.
Me: <to DM> I fashion a baby-harness and wear the Dwarf as a backpack.

GM: So you'll be playing a Killer? I understand this is your first time playing Feng Shui-
Me: Carnival of Carnage x2, Lightning Reload x3, Signature Weapon.
GM: Dammit <Player 2>, once, just f***king ONCE, bring me a player you haven't taught to meta.
Player 2: <sh*t eating grin>

Player 4: I use my bag of holding to dry up their (only) well.
Player 2:Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with you?
Player 3: It was only 50 silver we were shorted, we don't even need it.
Me: Dude, it ain't worth it.
Player 4: Their water better be worth at least 50 silver to them, or they're right f**ked, now aren't they?
(what followed after this was the three of us drowning player 4 in his own well-water filled bag of holding)

DigoDragon
2015-05-11, 07:53 AM
This is why I took so long to reply. Sorry about the quality! I never realised how cute Doc is until I drew him.

Eee! Cuteness! :D
That is so neat, thanks!!



[CENTER]DM: Gun, you can't holy-waterboard the vampire noble for information.

Oh my... I laughed pretty hard at this. Sounds like something my friend Fox would do too! :smallbiggrin:



"Don't bother with regular flirting, all flirting is awkward."

This is soooo true.



GM: "Because you're still ON FIRE."

LOL, one of those little details that PCs forget.

goto124
2015-05-11, 08:39 AM
I redid the Viridia image.


http://i.imgur.com/dlxI9U1.jpg

Necroticplague
2015-05-11, 08:57 AM
Gene:In retrospect, while "A Slayer walks the earth" is an accurate description of me, it's not the one I should give to the jury.
Bruta: Not countering 'You're a murderer' with 'yes, but I'm not sure if i murdered him in specific' probably would have been nice too.
JURY: We're still here.
Gene: Yes, and I'm sill probably screwed. Or you guys all are. Depends on how good your cells are.
Nesda: C'mon, saying crap like that is what got us into this in the first place!
Gene:No, their racism in assuming the only deathclaw nearby had anything to do with a recent murder is!

Dycize
2015-05-11, 10:22 AM
GM : There is a doorbell! And a camera or two, or three... Who knows?
Zak : ...Well, ****. We're being watched. Prepare for an ambush. I slowly reach for the doorbell and press it.
GM : The doorbell sounds more like an ice cream truck jingle than a doorbell.
Lucita stares at the doorbell, reaching over and pressing it herself this time. (OOC) This is definitely the best thing she's seen all day.

Lucita gulps before typing something out quickly, a random word and a few numbers by the looks of it.
GM : With every input, the speaker makes various animal sounds.
Lucita : ...What the ****.

GM : The ice cream truck jingle goes off and everyone hears it.
Neith groans inwardly.
Genevieve eyed Neith. "...Did you ring the bell..?"

Neith, screaming internally : Hi, I'm a representative for Progtech, a manufacturer of high-end computer and robotics equipment!
Voice at the door : Sorry miss, Mr Viv already informed you that no exclusivity contract will be signed.
Neith : What the eff? Progtech is a real thing?? ROLL WITH IT.

Neith : It was rather regrettable that our...contract offer was rejected, but...we at Progtech were hoping to get your opinion on one of our latest designs of female replicant...
VatD : Does she come with a kung-fu grip?
Neith : I-indeed she does! Funny, they told me you might ask that~

Zak blinked. He looked at the food. Slowly, he picked up a fork, and began to try to sample the food...
DM : Zak sophisticatedly forks into the micro-pizzas.
Zak blinks, looking at the food and realizing what he had just done... "...I am the biggest dork..."
Lucita : You're realizing this now? Heehee...

GM : And so the door closes behind the salespies.

GM : You'd almost wonder where the twister toboggans are.
Neith (OOC) : I LOVE THOSE.
GM : Only men with twisted hearts of evil don't like those!

Danna : Even her most secret places? Can I take a look?
Lucita : And with that, Lucita almost choked on a pizza.
Zak : Zak also almost choked.
Danna : No dieing on the property please!

BBEG : Sure! Tell me next time you wanna start an experiment! Nothing bad will come out of this I swear, hahaha~ How could anything possibly go wrong?
Lucita (OOC) : EVERYTHING COULD GO WRONNNNNGGG.
Zak (OOC) : NOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING IS GOING TO GO WRONG. HE'S BUBSY.
GM : He's totally saying jinx lines on purpose.

GM : Those scans totally did not give the BBEG the most previous of all blackmail material.
Zak (OOC) : Oh god. I unknowingly doomed Zak. And Lucita, and Gene.
Neith (OOC) : My money was on the micro-pizzas D:

Genevieve stopped midway after she had walked out of the mansion, slamming her forehead into the nearest building. "I'M SO -STUPID-. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID."

Taet
2015-05-11, 12:07 PM
GM: He picks the guy up off the ground and starts shaking him and shouting "snap out of it!"
P1: Ok, we are definitely not letting him get hold of the baby.

GM: And that stray bullet hits a can on the shelf that sprays a *roll roll roll* blue foamy...powder?
P1: Laundry detergent! :smallbiggrin:
GM: And it lands on you
P2: Any damage this time? :smallsigh:
GM: No, and you
P3: I am invisible! :smallsigh:
GM: So for anyone looking down that aisle there is now blue foamy powder hanging in midair. And it hits this NPC and that drone.
P4: Oh god, I forgot I had olfactory sensor on that drone! Ow laundry detergent up my nose! :smalleek:

P5: (has been called [real name but the girl form of it], Cuisinart, Galadriain't, and needs to name his character before someone finds something which sticks :smalltongue:)

Inevitability
2015-05-11, 12:49 PM
Me: Your peaceful boat trip is suddenly disturbed when a gold dragon, the size of a large bear not counting the wings, surfaces and flies up in the air. The creature breathes a jet of fire upwards, then turns to face you.
Gold dragon: WIZARD! YOU HAVE COMMITTED CRIMES THE ONLY PUNISHMENT FOR IS DEATH! SAY YOUR PRAYERS, FOR THEY WILL BE THE LAST THING YOU EVER SAY!
Paladin: What did you do to piss off a gold dragon?
Wizard: I don't have a single clue.

[One painful and extremely short battle later]

Paladin: I can't believe you killed my ancestor! (note: the paladin is a gold dragonborn)
Wizard: He wasn't your ancestor. You asked him, like, ten times.
Paladin: I can't believe you killed a gold dragon! Those are good, you know?
Wizard: What was I supposed to do, let him eat me?
Monk: Considering we're talking about you, yes you were.

TheHoodedTeddy
2015-05-11, 02:28 PM
Wizard: What was I supposed to do, let him eat me?
Monk: Considering we're talking about you, yes you were.

How to play a Paladin. Yes I realize that was the Monk.

goto124
2015-05-11, 08:51 PM
[One painful and extremely short battle later]

I expected a TPK.

Wizards are OP!

GrayGriffin
2015-05-12, 04:06 AM
Luke: Yea, i guess i fell though some kind of plot hole and ended up here, what did i miss
Everett: "We just rolled initiative, did you get in on that?"
I love my players and their fourth-wall breaking tendencies.

Luke: Where is the nearest pokecenter?
Looker: "They don't have those here, boy."
Luke: All these people and no pokecenter?
Everett: "How about a hospital?"
Luke: How do they live?!
Borchev: "No pokecenters here. Kenta is medic. Get him awake enough, he can heal rest of way. Is saying, physician heal thyself, yes?"
Looker: "Without Pokemon."
Ryouta: He's the one of us with medical training
Coriander: "Hospitals might ask questions, though. Although my grandma does know a bit about healing magic..."
Everett: "Well generally we don't make a habit of throwing spears of ice and lightningbolts at each other"
Luke: This place is weird and scary.... i wanna go home..........

Fern: "So, Cori, are you going to throw rocks at Kenta if he forgets your birthday too? Is that what human mates do?"

Senshi Akai
2015-05-12, 06:30 AM
Paladin: What did you do to piss off a gold dragon?
Wizard: I don't have a single clue.

Story of my [insert any character here] life. :smallbiggrin:

DigoDragon
2015-05-12, 07:11 AM
GM: “Jokes about the undead and their sexual prowess never get old.”

Moon: “The Enclave has no time for little crybabies! If you aren't bleeding you aren't allowed to cry about it!”
Doc: “Damn, no kidding. Hope he doesn't hurt himself on the floor there.”
Moon: “He'll tire himself out before too long. Or knock himself out. Same difference.”

GM: “My feelings on Mirror Armor's hometown of Pony Iceland being an eventual spot for adventure-- The party is, at some point, probably going to end up there in some way, but not any time soon. Consider it the 'Point Lookout' DLC to the Main Game; It takes a while to get there, the immediate benefits are quite low, the locals will hate you, and by the time you're wondering why you even came here, you have a spear in the gut.”

Stellar: “Whilst shooting a good few of them may put the lie to ‘unicorn superiority’, it probably won't endear us.”

GM: “No, seriously, Pony Iceland is the root of all evil. Pony Iceland is a place where Fáskrúðsfjörður (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/F%C3%A1skr%C3%BA%C3%B0sfj%C3%B6r%C3%B0ur) is the name of a village, as opposed to the last thing a person hears before their brains shut down. Pony Iceland is where fish cured with lye is a food (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lutefisk), as opposed to a biohazard. If the party gets desperate for something on that place, they are in serious trouble.”

Mirror: (Impersonating Doc) “You're not going to sacrifice me when this is all over, right?”

GM: “Really, was that supposed to be romantic? Work harder you colt!”
Doc: “Be romantic? This has always been a more daunting task for me than, say, facing down a boss fight solo.”

Doc: “Mmm... this is what heaven is like. Held in the embrace of a beautiful angel like you.”
Mirror: “What makes the angle so beautiful? And why is this moment like bread?”

GM: “And the donkey still left because he's an ass.”

Viridia: “Be Mirror. Murder a bunch of innocent ponies. Boyfriend be all ‘you're so brave’. MFW.”
GM: “My experience as a fanfic writer is showing! Or is damning me, either or.”

Doc: “Mirror, there would be no greater pain than living my life with the regret of what could have been between us.”
Mirror: *In awe for Doc*
Doc: “Not sure if looking up quotes by Gomez Addams is a good source for romantic talk, but... there you go.”

Doc: “So... Moonshadow hooks up with an accountant, Viridia gets a gun mechanic, and Doc wants to date the daughter of a blood-knight warlord named Ragnarok who may or may not have the capability to Murder Equestria. Good job, Doc! Aim high.”

Fox: “If Doc sticks his weewee where I think he wants to put it, he's going to get his butt kicked across the 9 realms defenestrated through the rainbow bridge!”

Moon: “I got an idea on how they can be punished, and help out the town at the same time.”
Townsfolk: “What's your idea? Kindling?”

GM: “Do it filly!”
Viridia: “If I were a filly, I'd have serious doubts about River's ability to run a respected business.”

GM: “Yes, that was tongue!”

Sith_Happens
2015-05-12, 07:49 AM
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6us7lyXAa1r2xf1u.gif

DigoDragon
2015-05-12, 08:35 AM
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6us7lyXAa1r2xf1u.gif

LOL, well don't open the champagne just yet. Nothing is official and there's a new hurdle that might halt the ride. :3

Cristo Meyers
2015-05-12, 09:04 AM
GM: “My feelings on Mirror Armor's hometown of Pony Iceland being an eventual spot for adventure-- The party is, at some point, probably going to end up there in some way, but not any time soon. Consider it the 'Point Lookout' DLC to the Main Game; It takes a while to get there, the immediate benefits are quite low, the locals will hate you, and by the time you're wondering why you even came here, you have a spear in the gut.”

Or someone's put a BB thru your power armor...


Doc: “Not sure if looking up quotes by Gomez Addams is a good source for romantic talk, but... there you go.”


Good source? No.

Best source.

Anonymouswizard
2015-05-12, 09:39 AM
Me: said in a very American accent.

Me: so the leeches are imbued?
GM: no, just hunters.

GM: and she started a new tribe of Ronin.
Me: that is not how tribes work.

Ronin: and so she started gathering us Ronin together.
Me: sounds like a special snowflake, last of the White Howlers?
Ronin: no...
Me: inheritor of the Crotan legacy?

King of Casuals
2015-05-12, 01:29 PM
GM: "You follow the tracks to a tennis court where you see a group of pirates using the old man as a ball. Their rackets are made of barbed wire and covered in poison."

Townopolis
2015-05-13, 12:05 AM
Kyrri: That splash you've just heard was something going overboard. It might be the goat, it might be Nethali...
Kyrri: ... or it might be our standards.

Kyrri: A mages convention?
Aetchron: Yes, where we can kill all of them.
Nethali: No no no, we went over this. We're going to capture them and make a brewery.
Aetchron: Right.
Nethali: I promise to feed them.

Nethali: As I hear, they're naked from the bottom up.
Kyrri: Well that just about covers it, I think.

Nethali: You'd be surprised how many fights I've avoided with a good wink. You should try it.
Nethali: Actually, don't. You really shouldn't.

Sith_Happens
2015-05-13, 01:45 AM
LOL, well don't open the champagne just yet. Nothing is official and there's a new hurdle that might halt the ride. :3

There's only one thing to do then.

https://33.media.tumblr.com/d758c91bf0e231b9c487749bda54976d/tumblr_n82kvbtp8C1tfluxko1_400.gif

DigitalCielo
2015-05-13, 07:12 AM
While I don't have anything to pay my taxes in the images thread, I can at least share some quotes here for the good laughs I always get from this thread. :smallbiggrin:
The only context that I'll give is that all of this is from PbP, and that they are from different campaigns, usually with different players.
And I'm not telling which are OOC and which are IC. :P

\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-

Menedemus:So, our redeemer will be the depressed, suicidal, soon-to-be follower of a crazy demigoddes who tore her eyes out because of the mere existence of evil? Oooops.

\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-

Bebaushie:”What are you, a tricksy boy? You don't have any weapons and I've worn heavier stuff to bed that your armor. Are you a pretty boy? Do you belong to to someone else? ”
Frekhi:(Thinking) Be very careful here. You might turn into a cliche'. You know, the one where the young couple are making out and then Gank! Both machete'd by some dude in a mask. That is if she isn't the one with the machete.

\-\-\-\-\--\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-

DM:I'm pretty sure there's a crude joke about grappling leaving a burning sensation in this somewhere...

Selena:”Oh, come on. Now even the furniture's attacking us?"

Selena:”The whole thing was later known as The accountancy afternoon , and it involved a brass paperweight, creative use of ink and ink-pots, and a very embarrassed Abadaran apprentice."

Nigrum:You know I just noticed something...I am the only dude! When did that happen?
DM:Nigrum's Harem Comedy! Five young people all want one bumbling swordsman. Sure, one views him as a snack, two a REALLY into fur coats, one is a little dead and the other has a ghostly guest, but that just adds to the wacky hijinks.
Selena:*Fashions hairs into Tsundere Pigtails* "I-its not that I want to Level Drain you or anything!B-baka!"
Azri: After all, we'll be together forever, and ever, and ever...
Mihara: Aishi teiru! *invades personal space constantly* *cute little fangs even in human form* *hilarious shenanigans involving shapeshifting*


Selena: *Picks up Nigrum's Harem list, crosses off the "Invisible little sister" voice*

Selena (in her OOC report of the fight): Said sticky, hot stuff was mostly sprayed over the floor, ruining the Succubus clothes, but otherwise dripped slowly but harmlessly off her skin.

DM:...this is going to be the only game ever where I have dragons having to point out where the bad heroes touched them on a doll, isn't it?

Selena: Mythic Campaigns with templates: Where "Oil the Succubus" is a legitimate fighting tactic.
Mihara:Mythic Campaigns with unusual races, where "Kitsune Kitsune Trickster Trickster" is a normal Race/Class line.
DM: I prefer to think of her as Super Tricksy Foxy Fun Time
Selena: Super Tricksy Fluffy (http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/343/6/c/keep_calm_and_touch_fluffy_tail_by_a_loyal_knight-d5hsa58.jpg) Foxy Fun Time

Rater202
2015-05-13, 10:02 AM
Gear: ...So, should I be excited or terrified that Princess Celestia herself has taken notice of us and plans to be keeping an eye on us?

Diachronos
2015-05-13, 01:41 PM
Evil tyrant: If you wish to bow before me, I will allow it and spare your lives.
Antipaladin: I only bow before things with a recognizable p****, let's just kill you.

Yukitsu
2015-05-13, 01:53 PM
Me: So you all plan on playing as murder hobos again.
Player 4: No, I totally plan on living in a wagon.
Me: So like, murder gypsies then.
Player 4: It's a big step up from murder hobos.

Me: The reason you're all getting bad information is because you all keep asking the engineer for military advice, the spy for magic advice, the military for diplomatic advice, the illithids for engineering advice, the bishop for ordinance advice, and I'm betting you'd ask ordinance how to spy on people if it ever had to come up.

Janus
2015-05-13, 02:01 PM
ME: *pointing at mini* THE WHITE ONE IS CLEARLY IN CHARGE!

DM: The gnolls strip you down.
BARD: All right, naked!
DM: No, they leave your underclothes.
BARD: I'm not wearing any! :smallbiggrin:

NECROMANCER: Wait for my signal. You'll know it when you see it.
ME: *****. ***** everywhere.

BARD: I roll Deception to make him think I actually put the loin cloth on!
DM: ...okay, roll it.
BARD: *roll* I got-
DM: He slaps you. Lose 1 hit point.

DM: After a moment of silence, you hear wolves from all around the woods howling in response to you. Their answer is best translated as... "What???". This is the closest that wolves get to "wtf." Even those of you who can't understand wolves hear the confusion in their howls.

DM: You receive the belt of opening. You soon discover that it can cast knock three times a day, but only on itself. The command word is, "Behold!"

Inevitability
2015-05-13, 02:27 PM
I expected a TPK.

I certainly didn't expect the wizard to survive. The rogue and monk were on side business and the paladin was staring at the fight without doing anything (a result of him having no means of flight).

However, the wizard got very lucky. First round of combat was him casting Animate Objects, which ended up dealing a large chunk of damage through the battle. The dragon breathed fire, which between a lucky roll, some temporary HP he had, and a Ring of Fire Resistance I forgot about, ended up doing a whole four points of damage.

Next round, the wizard casts Disintegrate, dragon takes some more damage and gets trampled by the animated objects again. The dragon enters melee, but hits only two times and fails to disrupt concentration on the spell.

Next round, the animated objects beat the dragon to within an inch of dead. Said inch is covered by a quick blasting spell, and the dragon dies.

Dexam
2015-05-13, 10:21 PM
Saffron's Player: Here is a challenge: good luck finding a special somepony for Saffron.
Clarity's Player: Let's see: you're the personal butler to not one but two members of royalty, and a pony closely trusted by Starswirl the Bearded... * Clarity speculatively eyes Saffron over the top rim of her spectacles... *
Face it - Saffron is a real catch. :smallwink:
Tailwind's Player: We're not even past the first episode and the ships are already sailing :smalltongue:
Clarity's Player: Just fitting them out with fresh canvas and filling the holds with supplies at this point. :smallwink:

Dasgovernator
2015-05-13, 11:31 PM
Kalibar: "I think that's the first time I've been killed by rolling a Nat 1 on a spellcraft check"

Sith_Happens
2015-05-14, 01:03 AM
DM: You receive the belt of opening. You soon discover that it can cast knock three times a day, but only on itself. The command word is, "Behold!"

Best. Item. Ever.

goto124
2015-05-14, 01:36 AM
DM: You receive the belt of opening. You soon discover that it can cast knock three times a day, but only on itself. The command word is, "Behold!"

1) What's the Bard's Cha?
2) Is the Bard male or female?
3) Is the Bard's player male or female?
4) May I submit the above item to the Mostly Useless Magic Items thread, as well as similar list of items threads?

DigoDragon
2015-05-14, 07:18 AM
Good source? No.
Best source.

Ah good. You'd be the second to confirm that. Will have to get more lines. ^^;


Kyrri: ... or it might be our standards.

LOL! Self-depreciating humor is some of the finest humor there is. :smallbiggrin:


There's only one thing to do then.

Whoa. O.o
If only Doc had a nice full-auto sidearm like that!


Tailwind's Player: We're not even past the first episode and the ships are already sailing :smalltongue:
Clarity's Player: Just fitting them out with fresh canvas and filling the holds with supplies at this point. :smallwink:

Getting prepared from the get-go! :D


Moon: “I think Pirate Queen Viridia has a nice ring to it.”
Viridia: “I don't object to this. Also, my favorite name for a pirate queen is ‘Mistress of Inscrutable Depths’.”

Moon: “Raider lifestyle. They don't want to conquer and rule.”
Doc: “Good! Move over, we're playing through.”

Viridia: “...do Enclave ponies have a Mile Low Club?”
Moon: “No, but they do have a Ground-Pounder Club.”

Stellar: “Moonshadow, half of the ponies who attacked us are dead. Nopony can think this town is soft after that.”
Moon: “You might be surprised at how willfully dumb some ponies can be.”

Viridia: “Good to see you two survived. I did get a rifle round in the flank, which hurt, but I totally blew up the pirate ship and it was awesome!”
Doc: “I took three to the chest after a heavy gunfight and died with a bunch of pirates. They didn't come back.”

GM: “Mirror Armor, rather than care about the smell, just started walking around, enthralled by all the books!”
Doc: “You have a lovely collection here, Glorious, but I worry I'm going to lose Mirror for a month.”

Viridia: “It goes well with other lessons learned in the game. For example, when Viridia learned the life lesson of respecting the law after that time Doc had sex with a mailbox.”
Doc: “You’re just jealous that Doc knows how to have a good time without setting off a red flag.”

Viridia: “Piracy, theft, murder, and pillaging are all bad! ...but only if we actually saw you do it. So, you're free to go, Mr. Pillagey El Rapeo McMurder.”

Viridia: “I know! We shave them bald! Hydra won't fix it, and they'll look terrible.”
Stellar: “That's actually a pretty good idea! Manes and tails!”

GM: “I guess it would just run down to how much importance you would want to place in your butt-mark.”

GM: “‘Horned creature with beady eyes’ really is a terrible way to identify something, to be frank, when about two thirds of the things that walk around and talk on the planet have horns.”

Viridia: “It's hardly enlightenment if it's based on irrational hatred and a Somebody Else's Problem field.”
Doc: “I think that pretty much defines the overall wasteland mentality for this game.”

Mirror: “Do you have a farm?”
Doc: “Do you want one?”
Mirror: “No, no farm. Would rather like a mine. With gems.”
Doc: “Ah! That would be something! I suppose I could work out a bit for it. Be the strongest surgeon around.” (Flexes muscles)
Mirror: (Laughs) “Own a mine, not work it!”
Doc: “I could still buff up for you if you want.”
Mirror: “You are fine.”

GM: “Viridia did realize that Nightcore's behind, when the mare was actually moving, resembled two soft bowling balls fighting each other. It was an experience.”
Doc: “Well. Now Antande's remark about Glorious being kept distracted by Nightcore is completely explained.”

goto124
2015-05-14, 08:00 AM
Reminder to self: PCs other than Doc have love interests too.


Doc had sex with a mailbox

Okay... 0-o


GM: “Viridia did realize that Nightcore's behind, when the mare was actually moving, resembled two soft bowling balls fighting each other. It was an experience.”

That's a great description :smallcool:

DigoDragon
2015-05-14, 10:23 AM
Reminder to self: PCs other than Doc have love interests too.

Ideally all PCs that want a love interest should get one. It's a lot of fun and gives the PCs interesting responsibilities.

One of my favorite Ships is about a raider killer who side-quests for stamps because his girlfriend collects them. It's a pretty sweet relationship and the PC has actually started to lose his "kill 'em all" tendencies to become a better person. So... character building! :smallbiggrin:



Okay... 0-o

Sorry, no context. ;)

Hawkstar
2015-05-14, 06:42 PM
But I believe all the ladies (Especially the villainous ones) envy that mailbox.

Dexam
2015-05-14, 07:12 PM
Doc had sex with a mailbox
Okay... 0-o


Clearly that mailbox... is a bit of a slot. :smallcool:

Janus
2015-05-14, 07:58 PM
1) What's the Bard's Cha?
2) Is the Bard male or female?
3) Is the Bard's player male or female?
4) May I submit the above item to the Mostly Useless Magic Items thread, as well as similar list of items threads?

1) Not sure. Unfortunately, our group's broken up due to scheduling issues.
2) Male
3) Male
4) Oh, absolutely. The DM mentioned having a huge list of funny/useless magic items he's found online, and it wouldn't surprise me if that's where the belt came from.

Sith_Happens
2015-05-15, 02:33 AM
Clearly that mailbox... is a bit of a slot. :smallcool:

https://41.media.tumblr.com/4c863cdc9f9efee9da70794dad87cb6a/tumblr_n90q8tBOJg1sxduo6o6_400.jpg

Inevitability
2015-05-15, 03:20 AM
Creepy Old Woman: I seeeee you have entereeeeed heeeere... Do you wishhhhh to roll the diceeeee of chaosssss?
Paladin: Hm... Random effects? Sounds fun!
Me: *rolls* You now are... Cursed By Hammers. Whenever you try to use a hammer you accidentally hit your thumb instead.
Wizard: I am not wasting a Remove Curse on this.

goto124
2015-05-15, 04:27 AM
'Wait, are we rolling dice IC or OOC?'

DigoDragon
2015-05-15, 06:04 AM
But I believe all the ladies (Especially the villainous ones) envy that mailbox.

Haha, now there's a concept to think about.



Clearly that mailbox... is a bit of a slot. :smallcool:

LOL!



Wizard: I am not wasting a Remove Curse on this.

Yeah. You kind of get what you asked for if you're rolling dice from creepy old ladies.

Blackhawk748
2015-05-15, 10:20 AM
Goblin Skillmonkey- I Investigate his pockets for clues!
Bugbear Martial Artist- Dude, he has two bullets and a javelin in him! Thats not investigating thats mugging!
Me (DM): Theres a thin blurry line between the two in the Wasteland.

Anonymouswizard
2015-05-15, 10:46 AM
Philodox: I hope you two have somebody to drive you, because my motorbike fits one.
Theurge: that's okay, we can put a sidecar on it.

Theurge: do the Children of Gaia have any World War 2 enthusiasts? People will assume it's just a model machine gun on the side car.

Philodox: I ask around to see if any groups have been set up recently.
GM: you're hunting for vampires and your first idea is to talk to random people in the street?
Philodox: I didn't say I was asking about vampires.
...
Philodox: okay, we can cross the eco warriors and gardening club off.

Philodox: hello, health and safety, just here to make sure the building isn't deadly *rolls* yeah, you're well and truly beaten.

Theurge: while she's petting me I grab her handbag and run off.

GM: the woman steps sideways with you.
Philodox: well at least I know you aren't a ghoul now.

Philodox: when she steps sideways I walk through the Umbra and come out just outside the building.

Mindtour
2015-05-15, 11:04 AM
My drow character speaking to "old crone" form Baba Yaga who was blissfully ignoring our party while picking cave shrooms.

Me: "Do you have a name or do I have to beat it out of you?"

Her: *stands up calmly and makes me eat 3 fireballs*

Me: "....." (I was close to death.)

TurboGhast
2015-05-15, 06:55 PM
Cont. 4e game

Atka: I'm like a bullet muncher.

Paelias: I light that tree on fire with my wall of fire too because they clearly need it for their plans.

DM: Bags of holding run on time lord technology
Non-player person: So they can travel through space and time.

DigoDragon
2015-05-15, 07:14 PM
"I didn't think a lich could do an impersonation of soft-serve."



Her: *stands up calmly and makes me eat 3 fireballs*

Ouch. Yeah that's her alright. :smalleek:



'Wait, are we rolling dice IC or OOC?'

I once watched a Shadowrun GM make players roll dice pools to see how well they were playing craps at the Casino. It was... redundant.

Diachronos
2015-05-17, 12:42 AM
"You just committed genocide with a boot."

Milodiah
2015-05-17, 01:24 PM
Theurge: do the Children of Gaia have any World War 2 enthusiasts? People will assume it's just a model machine gun on the side car.

I had a Glasswalker who was actually a WWII reenactor. The M1 Garand, the M3 armored scout car, the M2 Browning on said scout car...yep, they were all for re-enacting. They were still pretty damn useful though :smallwink:

It should be noted that this game was in an alternate timeline near-future where gun laws had been...relaxed, so the actual M2 Browning was legal without the pain-in-the-ass procedures it would take to make it legal by real BATFE regulations.

Whereas I once had a player fill out Form 4473 (https://www.atf.gov/files/forms/download/atf-f-4473-1.pdf) in-character. I should mention it wasn't my idea, he was a pretty hardcore roleplayer and when I mentioned the form he downloaded it and filled it out...the fun part is that I've filled it out enough myself that I was able to do all the dealer's side.

DigoDragon
2015-05-17, 02:16 PM
Virida: “I don't suppose anything's up for trade? I have the loot from a pirate ship and most of its inhabitants up for grabs.”
Nightcore: “Hell yeah we do, but you don't need to trade us anything. Just ask if you need anything. Seriously, I'm a wizard.”
Viridia: “Oh, yes. Mighty wizard, I wish to be showered with virgins.”
Nightcore: “I don't think there are enough left around to make a drizzle. And I don't have a room full of virgins I can lent out.”
Viridia: “None you can lend out. Awfully specific.” (Wink)

Moon: “And to what extent should an isolationist nation be forced to interact with other nations?”
Doc: “Well if the GM’s posts are canon for this campaign, ‘weapon testing’.”

Moon: “Glorious Dawn isn't a sexy pony giving Moonshadow a massage. She doesn't get to ask about the Enclave.”

Moon: “Moonshadow has become a bit snippier lately because she's been having a really bad day, all things considered.”
Doc: “Okay yeah, Moon would have it worse off. Penny's life is threatened, Iris bailed on the fight, and no pretty mares have offered massages for asking about the Enclave...”
Moon: “And worst of all, had her make-out sessions with Penny interrupted twice!”

Viridia: “I will laugh and laugh and cut myself if Doc's guess is correct.”

GM: “The last bottle was just labeled 'DO NOT CONSUME', which was sort of ominous.”

Viridia: “So, question. ‘Buck’ is used as a replacement for the F word fairly often in the fandom, but in this setting, Buck is also a drug. How do those two things work together?”
Doc: “Maybe... ponies have a different way of inflecting their pronunciation of the word between meanings?”
Viridia: “And then you read about the StealthBuck.”
Doc: “Um...”
GM: “I don't have an answer for Pipbucks, though.”
Viridia: “The name of Littlepip's adult movie series?”

Viridia: “Stealth Bach! He's the world's deadliest composer.”

Doc: “If I gotta lie and make up some truly horrible atrocity to get on Mirror's good side, then I think something really went wrong in this game.”
Viridia: “Tell her that you're the one who made...” (Rolls on the acceptable targets list) “…2010's The Last Airbender movie.”
Mirror: “Gasp! Doc, you monster!!”

GM: “Behold, Cybernetics!”
Viridia: “It's set to private, bro. Broseph. Brosephine.”
GM: “Brosulpher.”

Nightcore: “Ever heard of the cancer potion incident?”
Viridia: “Nope. But then, I'm a Sagittarius.”

Nightcore: “It should wear off. The fish face, I mean.”
Viridia: “Like gills and fish eyes would actually impede my rampant bed-warming.”

Nightcore: “I'm sort of worried that you're not.”
Viridia: “Why's that?”
Nightcore: “Most ponies don't react to mutations that well.”
Viridia: “Most ponies have some sense of self-preservation.” (Shrug)