Backlogs and Boredom

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Over the last few months or so I've felt a strong and pervasive ennui in regards to the media I consume. I've developed what could be considered a backlog of books I want to read, games I want to play, movies I want to watch, etc. and I feel like given how much I work (about 58 to 60 hours a week, if you're curious) I feel too drained to even get started tackling it, spending more time catching up on forums and blogs that I follow about the ongoing terrible problems facing society. At this point I'm sincerely worried I'm going to die before I finish half the stuff I want to experience, and that I'll have wasted all the money I spent on these things.

A friend of mine has told me it sounds like I'm going through an existential crisis and that it's something I have to work through, and others have told me about things like "sunk cost fallacy" and "taking a vacation from media" but the problem is I've BEEN taking a vacation from entertainment essentially, by not having time, energy or inclination to sit down and do one thing for an hour or more, except maybe sleep. What the heck is wrong with me? I used to be able to watch a movie or play a game again and again and again, and never get sick of it, now I feel sick of movies I haven't even seen or games I haven't started playing. I don't know what to do and I need to talk to someone, ANYONE about it because bottling it up is just making it worse. :smallsigh:

[themaque]

Honestly, It sounds like depresion. Do you have a support network to fall back on IRL?

[LokeyITP]

Games and movies from major studios are usually horribly derivative, so you're probably not missing anything. Too many things depend on you to offer advice, though your friends are right about sunk cost fallacy.

[Pronounceable]

"can't" and "don't" are quite very different. You're unhappy because you can't do things. It's a real problem.

Also if you die, the money wasted on unwatched DVDs and whatnot should be least of your concerns. Also also, you're getting old and bored. There's only so many times saving the world from aliens, demons, orcs, zombies, robots and alien zombie orc demon robots will seem fresh and exciting.

[BWR]

Can't really help you with any real advice except if you really think this is more deep-seated and serious than just exhaustion you need to seek medical help.

So if you just need to vent, vent. We'll listen to you and commiserate.



As for never getting to experience half of what you want, welcome to the club. Everyone comes to this realization. There is just such an immense amount of stuff and there is more created all the time. I don't have the exact numbers obviously, but I would be willing to bet that you can literally never consume all or even half of what you find interesting even if you spent every waking hour doing so. There is no helping this, so you just have accept it and move on. Prioritize and just learn to shrug off the disappointment of not being able to do everything.

As for getting back in after feeling lack of motivation, I can understand. For personal reasons in the last couple of years I've seriously cut down on my reading. Rather than reading a book or two a week, I have a hard time finishing one in the space of months. I actually went a period of 6 months without reading a single book, something that hadn't happened since I learned to read. Some of it is just forcing yourself into it. Forcing yourself into fun seems a contradiction, but think of it as getting unused muscles in shape. Some times you just need to force yourself to do something. Force yourself to see it through, whether a movie, a game or a book. Start small with a short book, tv series, game or movie you know you used to like and force yourself through. Once you are through, determine whether you actually enjoyed it. If at the end of the day you only feel it was a pain and not at all fun. If that doesn't work, do something radically different. Try something new. Sunk costs fallacy is a real thing and forcing yourself to try to enjoy something you do not enjoy anymore is just self-torture. Trying to force yourself to keep doing something you don't enjoy because you used to is pointless. Try something new.

Find a new hobby like model planes or something. Or start something physical. Get an MP3 player and just start exercising. A gentle walk around town, a bike trip in the countryside, a trip to the gym, a hike in the hills; whatever is applicable. Find a local martial art trainer or something

[warty goblin]

As an alternative to the various dire possibilities mentioned upthread, I'd like to present something a little different. You could just be growing up a bit more, becoming more engaged in the real world and letting some of childhood and early adulthood's great passions subside and make way. It happens to most of us eventually, to one degree or another, often by necessity, and it kind of hurts to watch the old version of yourself slip away, particularly when you realize it isn't a temporary thing, and you can't ever go back. But often the new version of yourself is better; harder working, more engaged, more capable, tougher and smarter and more steady in empathy and commitment. Since the ship only sails the one direction, I'd suggest getting used to the new you. Who knows, you might even find you like this you better than the old, given half a chance. I know I certainly like me now better than the 23 year old version of myself.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

"can't" and "don't" are quite very different. You're unhappy because you can't do things. It's a real problem.

Also if you die, the money wasted on unwatched DVDs and whatnot should be least of your concerns. Also also, you're getting old and bored. There's only so many times saving the world from aliens, demons, orcs, zombies, robots and alien zombie orc demon robots will seem fresh and exciting.

Getting old?! I'm only 26! :smalleek:

[Red Fel]

Getting old?! I'm only 26! :smalleek:

Ennui is not an uncommon sentiment. It happens often, it can recur throughout your lifetime. It can last for minutes, for months, for years. The only thing you can do is find a reason to fight through it.

My advice? Dive right in. Do it anyway. Right now, you're experiencing paralysis by analysis. You're so worried about what's left to do that you can't bring yourself to actually start doing it. And starting is the only way that list is going to get any shorter.

Once you get yourself engrossed in that media you've backlogged, you may find that - at least while you're watching or reading - that ennui goes away. And that's important. Even if you're immediately bored again afterwards, those books, those series, those movies will give you something to look forward to over the course of your day.

Life isn't about your 9-to-5, it's about your 5-to-9. You can either spend your time worrying about just how brief a period that is, or you can start filling it with things that delight you. Inertia is hard to fight, but the sooner you can get hooked on something, the sooner you'll have something to look forward to.

Stop thinking about all the stuff you have to watch or read in the future. Just think about what you're watching or reading tonight. Make a list. Switch it up if you like, or binge until you finish, one at a time. Say to yourself, "Tonight, I'll watch some X. Tomorrow, I can read some Y." You'll be surprised.

[warty goblin]

Getting old?! I'm only 26! :smalleek:

According to actuarial data from 2010 (http://www.ssa.gov/oact/STATS/table4c6.html), the average remaining years of life for a 26 year old male is about 52 years. So you are about a third of the way till dead if you live an average number of years for your cohort, and I'm a bit over.

Valar Morghulis as they say. Question being not whether you die - you will, so will everybody else - but what you do in the couple of years between being born and being dead where you actually exist. And all you can do, all anybody can do, is their best to figure out what they can do that matters in that very short span of years. I very much doubt many people go to the grave wishing they'd played Dragon Age: Origins a sixteenth time.

[Gopher Wizard]

At this point I'm sincerely worried I'm going to die before I finish half the stuff I want to experience, and that I'll have wasted all the money I spent on these things.

I think you're being a bit melodramatic. You have a long life ahead of you. It seems like the the problem is more motivation than anything else. Motivation is something that a lot of people struggle with and it often turns into procrastination. There are a variety of methods used to gain motivation that a quick search would uncover.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Ennui is not an uncommon sentiment. It happens often, it can recur throughout your lifetime. It can last for minutes, for months, for years. The only thing you can do is find a reason to fight through it.

My advice? Dive right in. Do it anyway. Right now, you're experiencing paralysis by analysis. You're so worried about what's left to do that you can't bring yourself to actually start doing it. And starting is the only way that list is going to get any shorter.

Once you get yourself engrossed in that media you've backlogged, you may find that - at least while you're watching or reading - that ennui goes away. And that's important. Even if you're immediately bored again afterwards, those books, those series, those movies will give you something to look forward to over the course of your day.

Life isn't about your 9-to-5, it's about your 5-to-9. You can either spend your time worrying about just how brief a period that is, or you can start filling it with things that delight you. Inertia is hard to fight, but the sooner you can get hooked on something, the sooner you'll have something to look forward to.

Stop thinking about all the stuff you have to watch or read in the future. Just think about what you're watching or reading tonight. Make a list. Switch it up if you like, or binge until you finish, one at a time. Say to yourself, "Tonight, I'll watch some X. Tomorrow, I can read some Y." You'll be surprised.
What about media that you have to do "in order" like The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, or the Mass Effect, Dragon Age and Witcher games? Those are the big bugaboos on my list: Very big, very LONG works that you have to experience in sequential order, to say nothing of the numerous tangential materials (the novels, side-games and The Silmarillion). Especially when I don't have a 9-to-5, but rather a 5 AM to 11 PM essentially. By the time I'm actually home, all I really want to do is catch up on the forums to see what I've missed while at work, and then sleep. And then on days like today, where I don't have either, I spend half the day asleep and the rest doing housework so my parents will actually leave me alone when they're home. :smallfrown:

[CarpeGuitarrem]

What about media that you have to do "in order" like The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, or the Mass Effect, Dragon Age and Witcher games? Those are the big bugaboos on my list: Very big, very LONG works that you have to experience in sequential order, to say nothing of the numerous tangential materials (the novels, side-games and The Silmarillion). Especially when I don't have a 9-to-5, but rather a 5 AM to 11 PM essentially. By the time I'm actually home, all I really want to do is catch up on the forums to see what I've missed while at work, and then sleep. And then on days like today, where I don't have either, I spend half the day asleep and the rest doing housework so my parents will actually leave me alone when they're home. :smallfrown:
Ooof. As someone who recently started a job with a 2-hour commute both ways...I feel for ya. Suddenly, I only have about two hours to do things every night, and it sounds like you've got it worse.

My suggestion is to take charge of some of those nights. I've found that forums can wait, especially if I want to enjoy ongoing media. I'll think something like "alright, I have two hours tonight, that's enough for me to get in an episode of X, and have a little time to breeze through social media". Even if I do that every other day, I'll wind up making substantial progress on stuff while not giving up too much.

Social media (I'm including forums here) can be a deceptive time sink: we feel the compulsion to stay up-to-date on it, but in reality it often doesn't advance all that much.

I'd maybe explicitly tackle a schedule. Pick a movie/game/etc, then figure out how long it'll take. HowLongToBeat (http://howlongtobeat.com/) is invaluable for this when it comes to games. Then, work out how many sessions it'll likely take you. Then, just get started and keep at it. It's amazing how much progress you wind up making, when you look back.

[Red Fel]

What about media that you have to do "in order" like The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, or the Mass Effect, Dragon Age and Witcher games? Those are the big bugaboos on my list: Very big, very LONG works that you have to experience in sequential order, to say nothing of the numerous tangential materials (the novels, side-games and The Silmarillion). Especially when I don't have a 9-to-5, but rather a 5 AM to 11 PM essentially. By the time I'm actually home, all I really want to do is catch up on the forums to see what I've missed while at work, and then sleep. And then on days like today, where I don't have either, I spend half the day asleep and the rest doing housework so my parents will actually leave me alone when they're home. :smallfrown:

I'm not going to evaluate what you're doing at age 26 that takes up 18 hours of your day. It doesn't sound healthy, but you have to do what you have to do. I'm amazed you even find time for forums, though; I'd just go to sleep at that point.

Here's what I will tell you: You're doing it again. Re-read your response. Your reaction was, in essence, "But these things are so long, and I have so little time!" Which is fair, but here's the thing - they won't get any shorter if you sit here yakking about them. So pick one up. Pick up the Hobbit, or Mass Effect, or whatever. (Pass on the Silmarillion. Nobody will blame you.) And start it. Just start it. Read a chapter, play a mission, do whatever.

Just do it. Do something. Stop thinking about how long it will take you to finish, and just do it.

Alternatively, spend your precious six-hours-you-could-be-sleeping on these forums telling people about how much you want to be doing it. Whatever it is. But it doesn't sound like telling us about it has made you any happier.

[Grinner]

What about media that you have to do "in order" like The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, or the Mass Effect, Dragon Age and Witcher games? Those are the big bugaboos on my list: Very big, very LONG works that you have to experience in sequential order, to say nothing of the numerous tangential materials (the novels, side-games and The Silmarillion).

I usually read during my lunch break.


Especially when I don't have a 9-to-5, but rather a 5 AM to 11 PM essentially. By the time I'm actually home, all I really want to do is catch up on the forums to see what I've missed while at work, and then sleep.

Have you considered the possibility that you're working too much? Because you should be severely sleep-deprived if you've been doing that more than a week or so. :smalleek:

[Archpaladin Zousha]

It's what almost everyone tells me, but I have college loans I'm still paying off.

And it's not like it's every day. I've spaced it out to the point where I'm only doing that twice a week and have open mornings and evenings I can get more sleep on. Couple that with Hi-Balls and Panera Frozen Mochas and I manage. For the most part.

[Pronounceable]

Whatever job it is, it's a terrible job. Unless it pays more money than it'd take to count during those six hours you're free. Your problem is a lot bigger than some piddly ennui and a bag of growing pains, I don't think internet forums will help with it (at least not this sort).

The top issue of your list of things to worry about is improving your life conditions, not media consumption.

[Legato Endless]

Over the last few months or so I've felt a strong and pervasive ennui in regards to the media I consume. I've developed what could be considered a backlog of books I want to read, games I want to play, movies I want to watch, etc. and I feel like given how much I work (about 58 to 60 hours a week, if you're curious) I feel too drained to even get started tackling it, spending more time catching up on forums and blogs that I follow about the ongoing terrible problems facing society. At this point I'm sincerely worried I'm going to die before I finish half the stuff I want to experience, and that I'll have wasted all the money I spent on these things.

A friend of mine has told me it sounds like I'm going through an existential crisis and that it's something I have to work through, and others have told me about things like "sunk cost fallacy" and "taking a vacation from media" but the problem is I've BEEN taking a vacation from entertainment essentially, by not having time, energy or inclination to sit down and do one thing for an hour or more, except maybe sleep. What the heck is wrong with me? I used to be able to watch a movie or play a game again and again and again, and never get sick of it, now I feel sick of movies I haven't even seen or games I haven't started playing. I don't know what to do and I need to talk to someone, ANYONE about it because bottling it up is just making it worse. :smallsigh:

Well, it's not really the last few months. It's more like 2 years now I think. Unless you're interest has waxed and waned since the first time I saw this come up.

I'd still say seeing a Psychologist seems like a good idea. Just a visit. See if you're actually depressed about something. Also, somewhat more cynically, it's possible you're depressed, but it doesn't necessarily have to do directly with this, but this is just the most obvious offshoot of something else. Or not. But seriously, checking in never hurts. Most people get depressed at one point or another, and a little help can make a staggering difference. A big clue in to this is, are you living toward some goals, or are you just trying to survive each day. Depressed people, contrary to stereotypes, aren't necessarily slumped over not doing anything. Some of them are quite active, but they aren't really working toward anything, their just pushing through each moment. That's necessary occasionally, but it's a hard way for most to generally live.

If not, you might want to confront the odd fact that what you want and what you actually enjoy aren't actually the same thing. I had a friend who wanted to experience all the hyped and critically acclaimed games and films of recent years. It took a few years and lot of raised eyebrows and suggestions, but eventually he realized his taste just wasn't what he wanted to be. Nothing wrong with that, but cultural shame on this area is an unfortunate and somewhat strange thing.


"can't" and "don't" are quite very different. You're unhappy because you can't do things. It's a real problem.

Also if you die, the money wasted on unwatched DVDs and whatnot should be least of your concerns. Also also, you're getting old and bored. There's only so many times saving the world from aliens, demons, orcs, zombies, robots and alien zombie orc demon robots will seem fresh and exciting.


Getting old?! I'm only 26! :smalleek:

Sorry, but this exchange was fairly darkly humorous.


According to actuarial data from 2010 (http://www.ssa.gov/oact/STATS/table4c6.html), the average remaining years of life for a 26 year old male is about 52 years. So you are about a third of the way till dead if you live an average number of years for your cohort, and I'm a bit over.

Not only that, but due to the fact that your brain slows down slightly as you age, the time remaining seems to pass faster.


Ooof. As someone who recently started a job with a 2-hour commute both ways...I feel for ya. Suddenly, I only have about two hours to do things every night, and it sounds like you've got it worse.


Ouch. That's awful. :smallfrown:

[CarpeGuitarrem]

Ouch. That's awful. :smallfrown:
The mass transit commute does help, since it means I can load stuff up on the Kindle. Huzzah!

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Well, it's not really the last few months. It's more like 2 years now I think. Unless you're interest has waxed and waned since the first time I saw this come up.
Well, I did manage to finish a campaign in Total War: Rome II recently. That really felt like a chore near the end, though, as I was just slogging across the map with my best troops mopping up everything in sight and getting annoyed by sneak attacks by opportunistic foes in my flank so I'd have to retake whatever settlement I just lost. Yathrib must have changed hands five or six times before the end. So I definitely wanna take a break from that game, and thought I should finally do my ULTIMATE PLAYTHROUGH of Dragon Age. But then Total War: Attila came out. Pillars of Eternity came out. And I realized it's been two to three years and I still haven't actually played Mass Effect 3 yet. Or the Baldur's Gate games. Or finished the Main Quest in Skyrim. Or played the first two Witcher games despite having bought them in a Steam Sale and having pre-ordered Wild Hunt on Steam.

I'd still say seeing a Psychologist seems like a good idea. Just a visit. See if you're actually depressed about something. Also, somewhat more cynically, it's possible you're depressed, but it doesn't necessarily have to do directly with this, but this is just the most obvious offshoot of something else. Or not. But seriously, checking in never hurts. Most people get depressed at one point or another, and a little help can make a staggering difference. A big clue in to this is, are you living toward some goals, or are you just trying to survive each day. Depressed people, contrary to stereotypes, aren't necessarily slumped over not doing anything. Some of them are quite active, but they aren't really working toward anything, their just pushing through each moment. That's necessary occasionally, but it's a hard way for most to generally live.
Honestly, the latter is feeling like the case, just trying to fight through each day until it's over and I can sleep again. The problem is that my psychologist is almost two hours away, and he's so heavily booked that even if I were to call and set up an appointment now, I'd have to wait at least a month to see him, by which time I'd have something else on my mind to complain about to him (He's one of the Mayo Clinic's best). Plus, I'd have to figure out how to get off work to see him, which is a whole other mess because I feel like if I miss even a single day of work I'm going to lose my jobs. There are therapists in my town, but I don't know if I should see them, if they'll be as good as the one I'm seeing now. And even then, if I seek therapy, it'll be ANOTHER thing on my schedule and I'm just so tired of HAVING a schedule, of having to do things at the pace OTHERS set when I can't do it on mine. Because they claim if they DON'T set my schedule and make me do things, I do nothing productive and am thus an ungrateful jerk.

If not, you might want to confront the odd fact that what you want and what you actually enjoy aren't actually the same thing. I had a friend who wanted to experience all the hyped and critically acclaimed games and films of recent years. It took a few years and lot of raised eyebrows and suggestions, but eventually he realized his taste just wasn't what he wanted to be. Nothing wrong with that, but cultural shame on this area is an unfortunate and somewhat strange thing.
That's just it, most of these ARE things I've enjoyed in the past, or are similar enough to them that I should like them. Once I bought my new computer 3 years ago I swore I'd do fresh playthroughs of everything I have. Fast forward three years and all I've really accomplished is the aforementioned Rome II campaign and Oknytt, which I was able to play through in a single evening and have never picked up again.

[Red Fel]

I'm going to avoid discussing the psychology bit, and just say this: Psychology is health. If you're sick, you see a doctor; if you're feeling emotionally unwell, you should see a psychologist. If working with your current one is that much of a hassle, call his office and ask if he can refer someone more local and convenient to you, because mental health, like physical health, is a serious issue and should be addressed.

Moving on.


That's just it, most of these ARE things I've enjoyed in the past, or are similar enough to them that I should like them.

Look at your phrasing. "Things I've enjoyed in the past." "I should like them." That avoids the question: Do you enjoy them now? Your current free time is a precious commodity. Rather than taking in games, books, or movies because you liked them once, or think you should enjoy them now, take in the media you do enjoy now.

I've had a lot of material referred to me. I've tried some of it, liked it, and continued with it. I've tried others, disliked them, and dropped them at the earliest feasible time. Perfect example: A few years ago, someone recommended Eragon (book, not movie) to me. I was surprised, and pointed out that it was a YA novel. The person who recommended it, however, praised it to the sky and back, noting that it was remarkably sophisticated given that it was written by someone who was himself, at the time he wrote it, a child. I pointedly asked if she was impressed with it because it was a good book, or because it was a good book for an author of that age; she insisted on the former.

Well, there's no disputing taste; I tried it and didn't like it. I haven't picked up any of its sequels, either. Despite the fact that it is in the genre I once enjoyed (high fantasy literature), and that it came with a glowing recommendation, it wasn't for me. Of late, I've found a genre I never thought I'd appreciate - urban fantasy with detective overtones. That's something a younger me wouldn't have touched in a bookstore.

Tastes change. Don't hold yourself to what you think you should like; figure out what you do like, and pursue it.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

How do I do that? I mean, if my recent internet history is anything to go by, my tastes are: Online Pathfinder play-by-posts, asking random questions to Pathfinder developers, Feminism and opposing the Men's Right's Movement, Atheism, trashy romantic webcomics like Menage a 3 and its derivatives, and fanart depicting popular anime and cartoon characters as morbidly obese. What kind of taste is that?!

[Red Fel]

How do I do that? I mean, if my recent internet history is anything to go by, my tastes are: Online Pathfinder play-by-posts, asking random questions to Pathfinder developers, Feminism and opposing the Men's Right's Movement, Atheism, trashy romantic webcomics like Menage a 3 and its derivatives, and fanart depicting popular anime and cartoon characters as morbidly obese. What kind of taste is that?!

That's not a taste. It's a recent internet history.

Now comes the hard part. Your time is precious, and if what you usually use to fill it isn't cutting it anymore, you're going to have to do something painful: You're going to have to waste it.

By wasting it, I mean trying new things. The books you think you like aren't cutting it? Check a new genre out of the library. Try a new author. The movies you used to enjoy no longer please you? Try something completely out of left field. And so forth.

Be warned, some will suck. Give them a chance, but if they really suck, walk away. And then try something else new. Again. And again. And again.

You'll find something that clicks for you. Maybe it'll be something you didn't expect. Or maybe you just needed to enjoy some distance before coming back to what you love, and realizing how much you enjoyed it.

As a rule, when the same thing you used to do no longer works, it's time to try something else until you find something that does work. One of the best ways to get out of a funk is to shake up your routine. It's hard, and it's not always gratifying - at least, not at first - but it gets you there.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Is it a taste if I follow that same "digital patrol route" every twenty minutes or so. Because that's what I've been doing in my free time. :smallsigh:

[Red Fel]

Is it a taste if I follow that same "digital patrol route" every twenty minutes or so. Because that's what I've been doing in my free time. :smallsigh:

Not to be blunt, but how's that working out for you?

You have to change things up a bit, my friend. Or at least try.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

It makes me feel happy for a few minutes, then ashamed of myself both for having wasted time I could have spent playing Dragon Age or reading The Deed of Paksenarrion, and because I'm not doing enough in life to help fix societal problems, and that I'm wasting time on cheap titillation when I got the opportunity to take a college course on Tolkien. A college course! Now I lie to the professor of that course (we still keep in touch after I graduated) about what I'm reading to sound sophisticated, and hide the fact that the last book I read was an RPG book with no real plot and the last thing WITH plot I read was a sleazy webcomic about dim-witted people who waste all their time being deceitful instead of being honest and open about their feelings to form stable and meaningful romantic relationships!

I have a BA in this stuff! I should be better than this! :smallsigh:

[warty goblin]

It makes me feel happy for a few minutes, then ashamed of myself both for having wasted time I could have spent playing Dragon Age or reading The Deed of Paksenarrion, and because I'm not doing enough in life to help fix societal problems, and that I'm wasting time on cheap titillation when I got the opportunity to take a college course on Tolkien. A college course! Now I lie to the professor of that course (we still keep in touch after I graduated) about what I'm reading to sound sophisticated, and hide the fact that the last book I read was an RPG book with no real plot and the last thing WITH plot I read was a sleazy webcomic about dim-witted people who waste all their time being deceitful instead of being honest and open about their feelings to form stable and meaningful romantic relationships!

I have a BA in this stuff! I should be better than this! :smallsigh:

So,

1) I cannot meaningfully distinguish between time wasted playing a videogame for the umpteenth time, and reading a webcomic. They're both time wasted, so waste your wastable time how you want to waste that time.
2) You aren't responsible for fixing society. Nobody sensible is holding you to that, and the people who may be telling you that are, to be blunt, both wrong and not doing you or anybody else any favors. You should ignore them.
3) You are stuck between the rock of how you want to be, and the hard place of what your actions say you are. This means you have the following options

A) Change what you do, so it is more in line with what you want to be. This requires constant willpower, particularly at first, but is also the only way to make yourself into who you currently want to be.
B) Accept who your actions say you are, and stop lying about it.
C) Continue to deny what you are, both to yourself and others, and suffer accordingly. This is basically what you're doing. It sucks. It sucked the last time you made this thread. It will still suck next time you make this thread. You should stop doing this.



Personally, I'd recommend some combination of options A and B. There's things about a person they really cannot change healthily. On the other hand, there are things that a person can change about themselves, and can do themselves a lot of mental and physical good from changing.

So you don't like that you spend a lot of time spinning your tires endlessly checking the same websites. This is a thing a person can change in my experience, via the following simple yet difficult steps:

A) Turn the computer off. Right the hell now. No excuses, no just check this one thing, just turn it off. Go into another room if you need to.
B) Open the book you want to be reading. (Or other thing you'd rather you be doing)
C) Read the book. (Or do the the other thing)
D) You get to do whatever you want on the internet for, say, an hour a day. At designated times, say half an hour before sleep, half an hour after sleep, whatever works for you.
E) If you find yourself in front of the computer while outside of your designated goof-off times, doing the same twenty minute cycle of websites, say out loud "I'm spinning my wheels." Then turn the computer off, and go to Step B. Or if you are using the computer for work, finish what you are doing, then turn the computer off.

[CarpeGuitarrem]

I have a BA in this stuff! I should be better than this! :smallsigh:
Here's what I'm coming around to myself, because I've had this thought too in all sorts of ways...

Maybe I should be better than this, but I'm not, BUT I can fix that. At the same time, if I try to have a sudden and powerful conversion, it won't really work out. I'll maybe have a burst of changing habits, then it'll all redouble because it's too much work to keep up and the backwards momentum will go all Sisyphus on me. And I'll beat myself up.

So I make sure I have a firm intention, then go about implementing that intention in small ways. Maybe I have a rigid point of time that I always use to make progress through a series. Maybe I know that by X hour, I need to get offline if I want to have time to read. (i.e., I figure out when my bedtime is, I calculate an hour before that, and make that my deadline)

One other thing that's helped in the past is having people waiting on me. The biggest reason I was able to get through one series was because I did a "Let's Watch" of it, in tandem with a couple other Playgrounders. That was really fun, and it kept me accountable. It stopped me from losing momentum, because I was able to get momentum from the other people. (That said, a Let's Watch is a big undertaking! Don't enter it lightly.)

[Archpaladin Zousha]

So,

1) I cannot meaningfully distinguish between time wasted playing a videogame for the umpteenth time, and reading a webcomic. They're both time wasted, so waste your wastable time how you want to waste that time.
2) You aren't responsible for fixing society. Nobody sensible is holding you to that, and the people who may be telling you that are, to be blunt, both wrong and not doing you or anybody else any favors. You should ignore them.
3) You are stuck between the rock of how you want to be, and the hard place of what your actions say you are. This means you have the following options

A) Change what you do, so it is more in line with what you want to be. This requires constant willpower, particularly at first, but is also the only way to make yourself into who you currently want to be.
B) Accept who your actions say you are, and stop lying about it.
C) Continue to deny what you are, both to yourself and others, and suffer accordingly. This is basically what you're doing. It sucks. It sucked the last time you made this thread. It will still suck next time you make this thread. You should stop doing this.



Personally, I'd recommend some combination of options A and B. There's things about a person they really cannot change healthily. On the other hand, there are things that a person can change about themselves, and can do themselves a lot of mental and physical good from changing.

So you don't like that you spend a lot of time spinning your tires endlessly checking the same websites. This is a thing a person can change in my experience, via the following simple yet difficult steps:

A) Turn the computer off. Right the hell now. No excuses, no just check this one thing, just turn it off. Go into another room if you need to.
B) Open the book you want to be reading. (Or other thing you'd rather you be doing)
C) Read the book. (Or do the the other thing)
D) You get to do whatever you want on the internet for, say, an hour a day. At designated times, say half an hour before sleep, half an hour after sleep, whatever works for you.
E) If you find yourself in front of the computer while outside of your designated goof-off times, doing the same twenty minute cycle of websites, say out loud "I'm spinning my wheels." Then turn the computer off, and go to Step B. Or if you are using the computer for work, finish what you are doing, then turn the computer off.

1) But I've only got so much time in my life! What if I die before I've done what I want to do! I'll have wasted my money! :smallsigh:

2) But I'm part of society! And part of the most privileged demographic possible. It's my responsibility to acknowledge that and do something about it, or else I'm part of the problem. :smallfrown:

3) And what am I, warty goblin? What am I?! Because I can see all my friends getting married and getting the jobs they want and moving out while I don't even have a driver's license yet! They've moved on and I'm still the same person they knew in high school. :smallfrown:

And what if the Play-by-Posts I'm part of drop me because I can't keep up with it? I want to be able to play through all the Pathfinder Adventure Paths too to justify my purchase of them as well. That's the crux of the problem. I've spent all this money, and now I've got stuff sitting around that I don't have time to use, and I'm feeling ashamed of myself for it!

[warty goblin]

1) But I've only got so much time in my life! What if I die before I've done what I want to do! I'll have wasted my money!

Then you'll be dead, which will happen either way, pretty inevitably. It's not like getting the most out of your money is the secret to immortality.

Rather less morbidly, notice that every two weeks or so, so long as you're employed, you get more money. You never really get more time though, so I'd be far more worried about wasting time than money. And spending time doing nonproductive things you do not want to do in order to satisfy some strange notion of getting your money's worth is about the biggest waste of time I can possibly imagine. It doesn't improve your life or make you happy - obviously, or you wouldn't make this thread every six or eight months - it doesn't benefit anybody else, and it doesn't put money back in your account. So maybe try not worrying so much about that?

You seem very fixated on the idea of getting your money's worth out of things. Which is generally a virtue, but I think you're maybe taking it too far. When you buy something - when you make any decision really - you are in essence attempting to predict the future. You are trying to answer the question "will good things happen if I do this?" Now I'm trained as a statistician, which means I'm crucially aware of one simple fact: the future is inherently unpredictable, and even the best possible predictor will always get it wrong some amount of the time. Which means all anybody can do is to try as hard as they can to get the best predictor they can, using as much relevant information as possible, make a decision based on that, and go from there. There's no point in kicking oneself over it if you get it wrong, you did everything in your power to get it right. So sometimes you buy stuff and don't like it. Ask yourself if you did everything reasonable to ensure you would like the thing before you bought it, stop wasting your time with it, and move on. You don't get the money or the time back.

(For a personal example, when I picked graduate schools, I chose spectacularly wrong, to the point I was punching brick walls by the third week. I have literal scars from getting this decision wrong, and it cost me a year of my life in the bargain. So I wrote a couple groveling emails and talked my way into a different school, at which I have been much happier. And I have never thought I made the wrong decision in going to the first school, or given myself a moment's grief for that decision, or thought I should have stuck it out until I'd failed completely, just to justify the year I'd already spent there. I made the best choice I could based on the information I had at the time, which is all I could have done. Then I gained new information, reevaluated my decision, and acted accordingly. Again, it's all I could have done. )


2) But I'm part of society! And part of the most privileged demographic possible. It's my responsibility to acknowledge that and do something about it, or else I'm part of the problem. All fair and reasonable things to believe. In which case you should consider taking action to address the injustices you find most worrysome. Reading blogs helps nobody, once you know enough to take action - and nobody who needs help gives a crap what blogs you read .


3) And what am I, warty goblin? What am I?! Because I can see all my friends getting married and getting the jobs they want and moving out while I don't even have a driver's license yet! They've moved on and I'm still the same person they knew in high school.
I'm a pretty straightforwards guy, so I figure a person is mostly what they do, with some attention paid to what they want to do. This tends to simplify matters significantly: are you doing the things that you want you to do? Do the things you do make you happy with who you are? I'm guessing you aren't, and the gap is significant, because we're having this conversation.

There are, as I suggested earlier, two ways to attack the problem. Modify what you do, and modify what you want you to do. You, your conscious, decision making self, do not have perfect control of either, but neither are you helpless. So when you can, modify what you do to be more like what your mental better version of yourself would do, and when you cannot, seriously ask whether you can let go of that desire without damaging yourself or others. At the end of the day, this is all anybody can do.

As to why your friends are getting married and getting their dream jobs and moving on and so on, may I suggest that it may be because they are letting themselves move on? You seem hellbent on keeping yourself the same you were in high school, which is one possible reason you are the same person you were in high school. If you don't want to be that person anymore, take action to be somebody else; maybe the sort of person who is looking for a better job and/or is trying to find a girlfriend?


And what if the Play-by-Posts I'm part of drop me because I can't keep up with it? I want to be able to play through all the Pathfinder Adventure Paths too to justify my purchase of them as well. That's the crux of the problem. I've spent all this money, and now I've got stuff sitting around that I don't have time to use, and I'm feeling ashamed of myself for it!
Two simple questions: (A) do you derive pleasure and enjoyment from these games? And (B), are you happy with the amount of time you spend playing them?

If you answered yes to both, continue playing, by all means. If you answered yes to A, and no to B, keep playing, but play less. If you answered no to A, your answer to B is irrelevant, so put your books up on ebay, and quit.

[Tengu_temp]

The way I see it, your situation is a combination of several factors:
1. You work yourself like crazy. If you do 60 hours a week, no wonder you're too tired to enjoy anything! Unfortunately, there's no easy way out of this one, so I can only wish for you to get a better job with less brutal working hours soon.
2. You have a lot of internalized shame, and feel it whenever you spend your free time not doing what you think you should be doing. You need to get rid of that shame. It's your free time, and spend it however you want - if you feel like watching some brainless show or browsing the internet for porn, then do that, and don't let the inner voice telling you "hey, you could be playing Baldur's Gate right now" ashame you.
3. Stop buying games and books, unless you want to play/read them right now. Buying them "for later" will just mean your backlog will grow even further. Also, realize that you'll probably never play/read most of the things in your backlog, so if you want to experience any of them, do so as soon as you feel like it. Don't play games or read books you don't really want to just to justify your purchase.

That's all the advice I can give. Basically, try to live day by day, spend what little you have of your free time the way you feel at the moment and don't feel bad about it. Also, you might actually be depressed, but I'm not a psychologist so I can't tell - if you want to be certain, visit one, mental health is as important as physical. Oh yeah, and one more thing:

and because I'm not doing enough in life to help fix societal problems
You're just a normal guy. You won't fix societal problems. The sooner you realize how small and insignificant a single person is, and how little they can do to change anything (vote, sign petitions you agree with, maybe donate to causes and/or volunteer if you have cash and time to spare - most people don't), the happier you'll be. Just be nice, respectful and helpful towards strangers, and you are already doing more than 99% of people out there.

[jseah]

I have a related problem in that my writing projects seem to eat my free time. It's not even writing in general, but specific projects that once I start I can't seem to put down.

Eg. The Culture 40k thread died because I got sucked into a different project. That being A Hero's War.

I don't regret spending that time, since imo writing a story means more than playing a computer game or reading *random non ground breaking fiction novel*. It's just that every time I sit down to do things I want to do, it ends up eaten by the writing project because I keep thinking that I could be writing another paragraph instead of playing this game / watching this anime.

[Pronounceable]

You're still wasting your time, stop posting about your problems. Your problems are real, it's not something we could put on sunglasses to tell you to deal with it, but posting on internet about them doesn't help in the least. Don't focus on side effects. What you need to do is spend your tiny bit of free time looking for a better job. And seeing a psychiatrist. And possibly finding people to socialize with (no, this thing here isn't socializing). And even if you somehow solve all of your psychological troubles, that kind of working will kill you. Do you really think you could physically keep up with this for decades? You'll be dying of some disease or even simple exhaustion before 40 at this rate.

Every moment you waste about very silly things (such as thinking how bad it is to not have played Mass Effect) is another moment you're doing nothing to help yourself overcome your problems. Those moments, unlike the money you spent to buy stuff, can't possibly be recovered later. And if you were priviledged enough, you would quit your terrible job and devote yourself to playing games and whatnot 24/7. It's pretty clear you're not.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

I'm starting to give serious consideration to quitting my part-time job to free up my evenings and make my full-time job more bearable, but I'm kind of afraid. My student loan status isn't clear to me, and I'm rubbish at budgeting, so I'm worried that losing that extra income will put me on shaky financial ground.

EDIT: And I'm going to look for a local therapist I can meet more regularly. I have a friend who's one who can refer me to a good one.