View Full Version : TPAY/TPBY Insult Swordfighting

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2015-05-06, 08:17 PM
Welcome, brave and cunning swashbucklers, to the world of insult swordfighting!

This game, inspired by Monkey Island, is based around witty taunts and retorts. Every time you post, you must first come up with a comeback to the previous poster's insult, then put in a taunt, threat or boast of your own for the next poster to counter. Rhyming your reply with the original insult is recommended when possible, but not necessary. All you need to do is be creative!

Would you like to be buried or cremated?

With you around, I'd prefer to be fumigated!

Your slashes couldn't hit the broad side of a barn!

That's because you keep stepping in front of them.

I could beat you with both hands tied behind my back!

Please avoid anything genuinely offensive or hurtful. A bit of playful jesting is fine, but don't get mean-spirited about it. This thread is all in good fun and meant to amuse people, not upset them.

With that out of the way, let's get started.


No one has fought me and lived to tell the tale!

2015-05-07, 03:27 AM
Because you run like a chicken at the prospect of a fight?

My sword is sharper than a serpent's tooth!

Tom the Mime
2015-05-07, 04:07 AM
It's too bad you're always sticking it in your mouth.

My talent confounds the great scholars of our age.

2015-05-07, 08:07 AM
Yes, it's a wonder you win any fights!

Comparing your skills to mine is like comparing an ant to a boot.

@ Gandariel: Does it look like we're at sea to you?! :smallyuk:

2015-05-07, 11:01 AM
(Where's your rhyming, guys??)

Considering Ants outnumber us by 100 to 1, your point is kind of moot.

can we just skip to you surrendering? We both know I'm gonna beat you.

2015-05-07, 02:24 PM
Yes, we do. I don't know why I bother fighting AT ALL. BURN.


2015-05-10, 07:51 AM
(Guys, seriously, the rhymes :D )

After i've finished kicking you, all that's left of you will be jam!

You call yourself a fighter? you fight like a girl!

Scarlet Knight
2015-05-10, 09:10 AM
Yes, like Red Sonja, you churl!

I've seen better blades in a cutlery drawer!

2015-05-10, 12:28 PM
It makes the fight fair; still, you'll never see more!

What, was the ability to fight your dump stat?

2015-05-10, 12:51 PM
You've discovered my weakness! Oh, drat.

Hey. This is a threat. Please be scared.

2015-05-10, 01:46 PM
You sound so pathetic, I can't even care.

(Gandariel I TOLD you, you only have to rhyme if it's a SEAFARING Insult Swordfight. None of us are at sea.)

I'll knock you on your rear end right on the ground you stand!

2015-05-10, 02:40 PM
I'm flying. :smalltongue:

You fight like a wet towel!

Tom the Mime
2015-05-10, 04:33 PM
Well I'll need something to mop up all your blood.

Destroying you would be a favor to your species.

2015-05-10, 06:05 PM
....True. :smallbiggrin:

But alas, 'twould only be because my species needs to be wiped out to end our struggle and I am a part of them. Do not expect me to die until every last one of the drow are gone.

Scarlet Knight
2015-05-11, 07:54 PM
This airbag needs some venting!

I'll give you more holes than a golf course!

2015-05-11, 10:28 PM
You won't receive mercy by willing me your corpse.

Into the sea with ye, ye scurvy dog!

2015-05-12, 11:50 AM
I keep telling you, we're not AT sea!

You call that technique? I've seen better moves from DISCO dancers!

2015-05-12, 01:54 PM
Bad dancing is a legitimate psychological attack in the 4.0 version!

Can you feel the music...
seeping into your mind...

2015-05-12, 05:19 PM
Maybe you should trying playing it a bit louder.

I have studied and practiced the arcane arts for millennia! My power knows no bounds!

2015-05-12, 05:22 PM
You realize, of course, that a minimum is also a boundary, which means you have power that achieves negative infinity.

You may win, but before I die, you will fear my battle cry.

2015-05-12, 07:32 PM
If dead men tell no tales, they won't make any battle cries either!

Compared to my cunning, you have the intellect of a flea!

2015-05-13, 12:29 AM
But we're not discussing linguistics, you see!

I shall defeat you with a feather!

2015-05-13, 01:09 AM
Not strong enough to lift anything else, are you?

I'll leave you scarred for eternity!

Tom the Mime
2015-05-13, 03:49 AM
Your face looks that ugly?

My assault will leave you gasping for air.

2015-05-13, 05:21 AM
True, I always get that way when I can't stop laughing.

Where I tread, flowers die and the very earth shy's away in fear.

2015-05-13, 01:00 PM
So... you can't walk without falling through the entire planet?

You will taste the wrath of

2015-05-13, 01:57 PM
Are they made of unsweetened chocolate?

Go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

2015-05-13, 02:08 PM
:smalltongue:Oh, no! Taunts! My only weakness! :smalltongue:

Wow, your insides smell terrible.

Scarlet Knight
2015-05-13, 06:31 PM
Aye, nearly as bad as your outsides!

You fight so poorly, you couldn't cut someone wearing a chainmail bikini!

2015-05-13, 09:10 PM
If I was trying, I'd be AIMING for the bikini itself. :smalltongue:

You're terrible. Are you sure you know where the pointy end is?

2015-05-13, 11:07 PM
Not sure; Does it feel more like your left or right ventricle?

I've never seen anyone try so many times just to be able to draw their sword!

2015-05-14, 06:15 AM
I'm not! I just really like the sound my scimitar makes when it unsheaths, alright? Don't judge me.

Aha! There! I have my swords out. You. Me. To the fin- *Grk*

2015-05-14, 05:28 PM
...Did you just stab yourself? That's so pathetic that I think I'm going to heal you.

Do you actually think you're a credible villain?

Tom the Mime
2015-05-14, 06:52 PM
No, just an incredible one.

What would you like your coffin made of? Oak or pine?

2015-05-15, 12:31 AM
Cheese and pepperoni! Wait, wrong insult....

I could defeat you with both arms tied behind my back!

2015-05-15, 02:31 AM
True, your feet bloody stink!

I would insult your looks, but I didn't get a good look before I stabbed you in the face.

2015-05-15, 11:01 AM
Good thing I was in Uncle Tumbly's stomach, huh? I've got a shallow cut on my face and... oh, wait, Uncle Tumbly's got a gut wound. Wow. You really wanted to stab me badly.

I've been eaten twice over, so what more can you possibly do to me?

2015-05-15, 02:04 PM
How about a...
*Meteor swarm*

Plenty more where that came from. Who's next?

Scarlet Knight
2015-05-20, 08:44 PM
I hope there's plenty more, you've been pretty skimpy before...

I've seen better foil work on leftovers...

Tom the Mime
2015-05-21, 03:06 AM
I hope there's plenty more, you've been pretty skimpy before...

I've seen better foil work on leftovers...
We've all heard about how your meatloaf gave you that scar.

The tip of this sword is the last thing you'll ever see

2015-05-21, 08:43 AM
It beats having to look at your face...

I can fight ten of you at once!

2015-05-21, 10:55 AM
We all know that, but how well can you fare against an average-sized person?

You call that a sword? I call that a toothpick!

2015-05-21, 12:26 PM
You have no idea how many ways I know to kill a man with a toothpick.

This isn't even a challenge, just give up and go home!

2015-05-21, 12:56 PM
O realty? *Casts magic missile, at an epic level, 120 times* run.


2015-05-21, 01:58 PM
Earth to Gamer_KM, your daydreams won't help you against me.

I'm going to beat you so bad, you'll think I was your father after a night at the tavern!

2015-05-21, 02:06 PM
My name is Xihirli the Malevolence. I killed my father.

Prepare to die.

2015-05-21, 04:00 PM
Talking to yourself there?

Soon your insides will be your outsides!

2015-05-21, 04:38 PM
You do not posses the power to reverse my anatomy!

Do not struggle against the darkness Let it consume you!

Scarlet Knight
2015-05-23, 06:49 AM
Alas, I'm skilled in torch; I thought you knew?

Your pommel belongs on a saddle....

2015-05-23, 10:47 AM
...Okay. I stab your horse until the pommel of my dagger is on the saddle.

You are, 'ow you say, 'armless.

2015-05-23, 12:41 PM
That's NOT in fact how you say harmless. Allow me to demonstrate the difference. (hacks off both of your arms)

With a blade like that, you won't even scratch me.

2015-05-23, 04:47 PM
No, It'll cut you in half

you move like a turtle on a relaxant

2015-05-23, 05:56 PM
That just makes it even sadder how easily I'm dodging your pathetic attempts to attack me.

I have fought and lived through a hundred wars, a thousand battles. What hope do you have, when you stand against me?

2015-05-23, 06:58 PM
...Fair enough. I surrender.

You'll probably win.

2015-05-24, 11:17 AM
Why thank you *commences stabbing*.

This isn't even a challenge!

2015-05-24, 03:30 PM
That's because you're attacking the training dummy. -.-

You won't escape with your life.

Sgt. Cookie
2015-05-24, 05:25 PM
Then I shall escape with yours instead!

I have killed 99 men! And now, you shall be 100!

2015-05-24, 06:43 PM
I am no man.

Why bother? Why do you persist? You know the world is doomed, why bother fighting?

2015-05-26, 03:00 AM
Because it humours me to watch you gnats resist my world-ending schemes.

I laugh at your petty attempts to best me in unarmed combat!

2015-05-26, 08:40 AM
We'll see who has no arms once I'm done with you!

Your sword's so dull, it feels like a soft pillow!

2015-05-26, 10:24 AM
It would explain why you fight like you are asleep...

I'm not left-handed! (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IAmNotLeftHanded)

2015-05-26, 12:54 PM
That's nice. I'm ambidextrous. Helps me dual-wield.

We're similar, that's for sure. In several ways. But there is one important way we diverge.
No matter how hard you try, I'll always win.

2015-05-27, 03:21 PM
...You just stabbed yourself again. That's so sad.

Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion!

2015-05-27, 03:47 PM
Oops! I didn't realize you were busy watching hentai. I'll leave you to that.

My scars will fade, but yours will burn white with pain for eternity!

2015-05-27, 04:03 PM
Is that why you're afraid to use some Noxzema?

I shall split you in twain and show your sister a good time!

2015-05-27, 04:05 PM
Split me in twain? Who says that!?

Say wacky things when I cut off your tongue!

By the way, Indarra, the scimitar is not a stabbin' tool. I have... HAD a dagger for that.

Scarlet Knight
2015-05-28, 08:33 PM
The only way I'd get sliced tongue from you is if you worked in a deli!

Is that a Buffalo Sabre you're using?

2015-05-30, 07:21 PM
Alas, it is one of the few swords big enough to combat your ego.

Your attempts at combat are laughable!

5a Violista
2015-05-30, 09:01 PM
While you're busy laughing, you'll be cut in saggital.

Your swordplay is so pathetic that your wrist just as well would be detachable.

2015-05-30, 09:18 PM
Okay, then. Meteor Swarm.

I am a master of the blade and the arcane! And what are you?

2015-05-30, 10:13 PM
Divine. *casts Implosion*

When I'm through with you all, memories will be all that's left!

2015-05-31, 10:48 AM
Too bad no one will even remember you when you're gone at all!

If you think you have any chance at defeating me, you're only fooling yourself.

Angsty Anubite
2015-06-05, 03:58 AM
Then I must be one hell of a trickster.

You can't stop me. I have an unbreakable will!!!

Tom the Mime
2015-06-05, 06:11 AM
Too bad the same can't be said of your bones.

Entire armies flee when they see me approaching

2015-06-05, 06:35 AM
'cause your personal hygiene could stand some reproaching.

I came to kill you and speak in rhyme. And I'm a terrible poet.

2015-06-05, 08:17 AM
You still seem better with your words than with your sword.

I'm surprised you lived so long with such technique... Or am I your first?

2015-06-05, 08:23 AM
First, last, you're about the worst.

That agriculture I smell, or is it just you?

2015-06-05, 11:09 AM
No, that's the smell of you violating the three-post courtesy.

Slash! Hack! Parry! Ah-ha!

2015-06-05, 12:22 PM
Why are you ripping apart a dead bush?

Any who face me will lose their face!

2015-06-05, 02:11 PM
Face it, yours is a disgrace!

I like to be challenged, but it looks like I won't like this fight.

Astral Avenger
2015-06-06, 12:50 PM
Certainly, being crushed in the first 3 seconds shouldn't be a challenge for you... After all, you have so much practice at it. :smalltongue:

My blade is faster than Dr. Dre's tongue. Sharper too.

2015-06-06, 01:05 PM
Tongues are blunt.

For example: You're about to die.

2015-06-06, 02:46 PM
An excellent example of lies told by lying liars.

I could face twelve like you at once and still win!

2015-06-07, 02:43 AM
There there. I don't mind fighting drunkards. It's okay. Really.

Speaking of drunkenness, I could beat you while blind drunk!

Lord Ruby34
2015-06-07, 12:29 PM
Ah, that must be why you fight like a third rate monk.

You fight like a pregnant three-legged moose.

2015-06-07, 12:40 PM
Due to my mandatory moose-wrangling session before I could join a law firm, I'll take that as a compliment.

You stand accused of being a non-drow. How do you plead? By the way, filthy lies get you cut open. Filthy liar.

2015-06-07, 03:07 PM
(later, while retelling the story) And that's how I became guilty of killing a drow.

Shall we call you the Fire Failure, or the Loser Lord?

2015-06-07, 03:51 PM
No. No, we shall not.

Fighting you is beneath the dignity of someone like me.

2015-06-08, 06:02 AM
Then your imminent defeat will be hell on your psyche.

There's two things I can't stand; your continued mortal existence, and French cuffs.

2015-06-08, 08:26 AM
Fortunately, I think they're falling out of style.

Also, you won't be bothered by anything in a minute.

2015-06-08, 08:58 AM
I should hope not, you're pretty bothersome as it is.

When they named you, they should have thrown in a reference to your sloppy sword skills!

2015-06-08, 09:40 AM
I should hope not, you're pretty bothersome as it is.

When they named you, they should have thrown in a reference to your sloppy sword skills!

Too bad no one named YOU at all.

... Are you sure your controller is plugged into the right port?


Brian P.

2015-06-08, 09:50 AM
I think you're using a "weapon" of the wrong sort.

A seer prophecied my death. It's not you that will kill me, but old age.

2015-06-08, 09:58 AM
I never said I would kill you, you'll only wish I had. To the pain! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_keWS1i3RA)

You can start fighting with your strong hand any day now. I'm bored.

Tongue-in-cheek ,

Brian P.

2015-06-08, 10:05 AM
You're not following the three-post rule. *Meteor Swarm*

Now I face the greatest challenge of my life: How can I kill you without being charged with murder? I mean, I can't exactly claim self-defense here, can I? No one would believe you were ever a threat.

2015-06-08, 10:52 AM
That no one believes me a threat is exactly how I've gotten away with murder before--including yours!

I've had more challenging fights against training dummies.

2015-06-08, 11:10 AM
I hope you manage to hit them since you still didn't touch any other enemies.

Could you please stop bleeding? I might hurt myself if I slip.

Lord Ruby34
2015-06-08, 11:39 AM
Fighting from the floor might improve your swordplay. It certainly couldn't make it any worse.

I will hang you from the ceiling by your entrails.

2015-06-08, 12:20 PM
That's not efficient, creative, sanitary, or possible long-term.

Anyway, I've got a big day tomorrow, so let's try to speed this up.

2015-06-08, 12:31 PM
I suppose meeting your maker is a very significant day in one's life. I shall abide your dying wish!

I don't suppose you could keep your screams of agony to a minimum? I do hate to upset the neighbors. They're such nice people.

2015-06-08, 01:26 PM
That's a really nice touch, but... touché!

It looks like a sword, but you're not using it like a sword.

2015-06-08, 05:23 PM
I'm using it like an axe!

Looks like someone brought a stick to a swordfight...

2015-06-08, 06:22 PM
Well, yeah. *Throws stick onto ground, it turns into a snake*
Swords are boring. Except for scimitars. Sic 'im, Scimitar Swarm Serpent.

Are you holding that spear by the point?

2015-06-08, 09:11 PM
Well a moment ago you were the one holding it.

Normally I drag out fights to tenderize my meat, but that doesn't seem necessary with you.

2015-06-09, 07:54 AM
Truth be told: I am Vertumnus (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vertumnus_(painting)).

Interesting style. Are you trying to make me laugh so hard I can't fight?

2015-06-09, 08:35 AM
*Stabs opponent while guard is down from laughter*. Laughter is the best weapon.

Don't throw your life away! Your village called; they need their idiot back!


Brian P.

2015-06-09, 11:16 AM
I burned my village to the ground after locking everyone inside their own homes.

That got dark...

2015-06-09, 11:35 AM
Not as dark as the pit in hell your going to.

....Yeah i got nothing *shrugs*

2015-06-09, 03:52 PM
So, nothing new on that count.

You can't even come up with an original insult!

2015-06-09, 03:58 PM
'tis but natural one such as yourself would have heard them all before.

Well one thing can certainly be said for that blow of yours, it really blew.

2015-06-09, 03:59 PM
But not as much as your blows!

You're such a bad fighter, even a 1st-level Commoner could defeat you with a natural 1!

2015-06-09, 05:25 PM
Fortunately, I am not <i>just</i> a fighter!
*Meatier Swarm*
Oh. Right. The curse.

Tonight I dine on steak!

2015-06-09, 05:44 PM
I do not approve of self-cannibalism, so please don't.

You might have had a chance if I didn't know how to counter your every move.

2015-06-10, 04:14 AM
Then the very purpose of my next move is not to kill you. I must say your counter was flawless!

I'm not fighting you for the bounty, I just can't stand your face on wanted posters anymore.

2015-06-10, 05:17 PM
Very good; once you are dead, you will never have to see it again.

Are you under some kind of curse that brings you back from the dead? I can't otherwise understand how a fighter as terrible as you could still walk.


Brian P.

2015-06-10, 06:29 PM
Well, I have died a lot, and been brought back, but that's besides the point.

Sadly, your gut isn't beside the point. Rather, the point is right in its center.

2015-06-10, 07:08 PM
Well, yes, that happens when you're a professional sword-swallower. Kind of the point.

Your personal hygiene is almost as bad as your swordplay!

2015-06-10, 08:51 PM
To bad they're both better than yours!

This isn't Star Wars; you don't have to fight with your eyes shut.


Brian P.

2015-06-10, 09:14 PM
But with how you telegraph your attack's I don't have to fight with them open either.

Where's the necromancer? Given the smell of rotten meat, you must be a zombie.

2015-06-10, 11:15 PM
Those are my spell components. Here, I'll use some now. *Turns you into a newt*
You'll get better.

Hah! That's hardly even a dagger! What sort of weapon IS that!?

2015-06-10, 11:21 PM
Oh, excuse me, I forgot to turn on my lightsaber. *shwoom* *plop* Sorry about your arm.

I don't need a lightsaber to beat you! I could take you while I was unarmed!

2015-06-11, 02:56 AM
Yet, I will end this fight unharmed!

I seem to have an edge on you while swordfighting. Maybe you want to try something else? I'll still win but you'll know you've done your best.

2015-06-12, 04:02 PM
Sure! Let's try .. GUNFIGHTING! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YyBtMxZgQs)

Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Dark Side.


Brian P.

2015-06-12, 06:43 PM
(How did I manage to miss this thread ?!)

-Pathetic as you are, even Jar-Jar would be snide.

>Your skills are so low they had to invent the zero to qualify you.

2015-06-12, 08:18 PM
Yes, but I think something about a dragon warrior happened after that, and now I kill peacocks.
*Shrugs* I slept during that movie.

Ah, man, I think I fell asleep during our fight. I seem to be unharmed, though.

2015-06-12, 11:47 PM
That's because the fight hasn't started yet. you fainted just as it was about to begin.

Speaking of which, is this going to take long? I've got a very important meeting in a little while.

Angsty Anubite
2015-06-13, 01:58 AM
Oh my, did you forget your date with destiny?

It's lights-out for you, punk!

Tom the Mime
2015-06-13, 05:25 AM
Is it past your bedtime already?

Your blows are so soft that they wouldn't hurt a fly

Scarlet Knight
2015-06-13, 06:53 AM
And yet, enough to make you cry....

I've seen better slices at the golf links!

2015-06-13, 08:02 AM
Yeah? Well, your face... is ugly. Shut up.

Oops, sorry. I thought you would block that one.

2015-06-13, 09:44 AM
Guess I rolled pretty high on my Dodge roll!

You say you're a great duelist, but you have yet to prove it!

2015-06-14, 10:53 PM
That's because this is so one-sided it can't really be called a duel yet. (I'm aware that I'm stretching with that rhyme, but I see people do it all the time.)

I have a thousand years of experience on you, a better weapon, better armour, and extremely potent magic. Remind me again how you were planning to win?

Astral Avenger
2015-06-15, 12:11 AM
But this is a rap battle, can you sing?

Though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death, I shall fear no evil; for evil has to ask my permission to act upon ye.

2015-06-15, 12:16 AM
Unfortunately that friendly cleric just cast atonement on me. So for today only I've decided to embrace Neutrality.

It is bad enough with fear you've gone numb, but I'd find more witty retorts from someone deaf and dumb.

2015-06-15, 12:21 AM
*Uses Drow sign language, shown with green*
"Who knew you were afraid of the speech of the thumb (Meteor Swarm)?"

Oh, dear, I think I've cut out your liver. I think that's a liver. Want to call this fight quits?

2015-06-15, 12:22 AM
Unbalanced couplets and mocking of the handicapped. Your offenses add up to a sizable sum.

You're an issue, not a factor. And I'll be glad to be your redactor.

Edit: Swordsaged! How ironic!

2015-06-15, 02:59 AM
*Uses Drow sign language, shown with green*
"Who knew you were afraid of the speech of the thumb (Meteor Swarm)?"

Oh, dear, I think I've cut out your liver. I think that's a liver. Want to call this fight quits?

Do not worry, there's way enough alcohol in it to cauterize such scracth.

You seemed experienced, but I see you're just old.

2015-06-15, 10:23 AM
I suspect that you are the old one then. I'm not old by any stretch of the imagination.

Youth and valour will triumph over age and trickery,

2015-06-15, 12:04 PM
Then it's a good thing I don't need to rely upon any trickery.

Let me ask are you clumsy or a total fool? Stabbing yourself is no way to win a duel.

2015-06-15, 12:09 PM
Are we supposed to rhyme with your reposte or with your sally?

It doesn't matter, it does chime. Death will have her tally.

2015-06-15, 01:20 PM
Death is a good friend of mine, you two should meet.

I'm glaring at you. You can't tell because my face is under your foot, but I am giving you a death glare.

2015-06-15, 04:46 PM
Why do you even BOTHER all the time taunting in a fight you're obviously losing?

Usually I admire someone who doesn't know when to quit, but there's an exception in your case.

2015-06-16, 04:00 AM
Why would I quit, I'm winning. Guess that's where you're not at your ease.

All your base are belong to us.

2015-06-17, 12:26 PM
*insert generic meme-hating cuss*

Can we finish up? I have a brunch appointment later.

2015-06-17, 02:05 PM
Fine. *Meteor Swarm*

Oh, come on. You KNEW this was coming!

2015-06-18, 04:20 AM
Your lack of originality was numbing

Dying by my hand will be the high point of your pahetic life !

2015-06-21, 12:56 PM
I've only allowed you to survive this long in order to amuse the crowd.

Don't look so concerned, I'll be sure to pay for your funeral service when we're done here.

2015-06-21, 01:15 PM
It's so kind of you to have included me in your will.

You're blows are so slow a snail could dodge them.

2015-06-21, 02:50 PM
But with this poison dart frog venom on my blade, you'll NEED to.

You'll never out-insult me, I'm the master of pop culture references!

2015-06-21, 03:55 PM
Drow law sneers at pop culture references!

Don't start a land war in Asia!

2015-06-21, 08:12 PM
It's a good thing we're on a boat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean then isn't it. (I understood that reference btw)

You seem to be enjoying getting sliced to bits.

2015-06-21, 08:45 PM
It is more that your sad atempt at swordplay gives me laughing fits

The only thing duller than your blade is your wits !

2015-06-22, 10:01 AM
The edge may be dull, but the point will send you to the pits!

After you're dead, I'll feed you to the chicks! [that's an immature fowl, by the way]


Brian P.

2015-06-22, 11:09 AM
That... that was just sad. And that's coming from me.

I am dreadfully bad at this, but I'm winning. What does that make you?

2015-06-22, 02:26 PM
*Nice enough to let you for once win, drow without a clue.

(and before anyone mentions it, I believe the three post rules is no more.)

*Your mind a deep well of inanity
and as vivacious as if were neutered
killing you is a service to humanity
A turkey like you deserves to be skewered !

@V I'm not disrespecting anything !
I'm pretty darn sure, the three post rules officialy does not exist anymore, the post in which it was explicited has disapeared, the moderator who instigated it has left. To my knowlege, it's an ex rule which people only enforce out of habit.
And if you mean the rules of this particular game, they were respected.

2015-06-23, 04:21 AM
That... that was just sad. And that's coming from me.

I am dreadfully bad at this, but I'm winning. What does that make you?
Amused, since your statement is only half-true.

Want any specific epitaph?

♪ ignore, ignore, ignore the one not respecting the rule ♫

2015-06-23, 08:28 AM
Want any specific epitaph?

Don't be absurd, you're making me laugh!

Where did you learn to fight, at a comic opera?

2015-07-05, 12:13 AM
Well of course. The first rule of genre savvy, learn to fight in the genre you are in.

You fight like my cat!

@v: I was expecting something about fighting like a commoner to be honest.

Tom the Mime
2015-07-05, 12:49 AM
How appropriate. You fight like a mouse.

(Hardly original but when you tee it up like that, what else can you do)

I've seen slugs move faster than you do.

2015-07-07, 08:35 AM
I'm not sure it counts if they were thrown at you.

(also for your amusement: lolslugs (http://english.bouletcorp.com/2008/12/09/the-saga-of-the-slugs/).)

Impressive scars... But I'm more afraid of the guy who made them to you.

Edit following answer: Wait... You did scars to yourself? That's a terrible answer!

2015-07-07, 11:32 AM
That was me. Edit: You said you were afraid of the guy who gave me my scars! That means you're afraid of me!

You know what's sad? That's probably my best comeback yet.

2015-07-08, 05:36 PM
And you know what? I have a feeling they aren't gonna get any better.

(j/k o/c but it's the prompt and all...)

Your skills are a joke, and I don't mean a funny one.

2015-07-08, 06:00 PM
It's true that when I skewer you easily, you won't find it fun.

(Would have made one along the line of 'by contrast look into the mirror for an hilarious one' but couldn't make it rhyme.)

You were dead the moment we started this fight, you just haven't realised it yet.

2015-07-09, 09:57 PM
Since you're going to need a grave soon and I'm clearly not using mine, you can have it.

Now this is the part of the fight where you run away if you want to live!

2015-07-10, 01:29 PM
Um. This is a hammer. I'm actually kind of impressed by your ignorance...

Wait. When did I get a hammer? It doesn't matter. DROW SMASH!

2015-07-10, 01:45 PM
I hadn't intended to, but if you wish, I can do so and make you into some drow mash.

If you sword is as sharp as your wit, I don't have to worry even one bit.

2015-07-12, 09:40 AM
Yet it seems my wit is quite sharp! Now let me push you down this scarp...

I will drink my [nonspecific, possibly alcoholic, beverage] from your skull!

Angsty Anubite
2015-07-14, 05:37 AM
Past drinks you have tasted won't make you nearly as wasted as the strong blood that pumps through my brain.

But you won't get the chance as I grab you by the pants and throw you at the next dude like a bullet train.

2015-07-14, 11:50 AM
I think you're confused as to the thread. Or perhaps a little insane.

I will crush you with my bare hands, for to sully my blade with the blood of one so weak would be profane.

2015-07-14, 12:48 PM
You don't have hands. You have claws. So you'll be safe if I stab you in the brain.

I've killed science itself! What hope do you have!?

2015-07-14, 01:58 PM
At the difference of a mental concept I can stab you, simple and plain.

Fool, you are too pathetic to be worth an elaborate insult

2015-07-14, 06:54 PM
Fool, you are too pathetic to be worth an elaborate insult

Swordplay just isn't your strong suit - in fact, you'd be better suited to a catapult!

Would you like to go find a few friends to help you make this fight a little more fair?

2015-07-15, 08:19 AM
Of the fact they wouldn't want to ally with you, you clearly are unaware!

My sword is just as hard to follow as the narrative structure in my previous sentence!

2015-07-15, 08:23 AM
If you think that was hard, you must not even know how weak you are.

Both your insults and retorts show total lack of imagination!

2015-07-15, 12:54 PM
Yeah, well... shut up!

I hate to get violent around orphans.

2015-07-26, 07:59 PM
Yeah, how many times have they kicked your butt again?
I'm not even an orphan and I could still kick your butt.

2015-07-29, 08:43 AM
And yet, not I shall you cut!

Have at thee, you dirty, swarthy, knave! You are but a coward, and not really that brave!
You fight like a box of kittens, and handle a blade like you wear mittens!
So give up now! Go on! Just cave!

2015-07-29, 12:57 PM
With swordplay as bad as your cadence, it'll be a short trip to your grave.

Brevity is the soul of wit, you've been on for too long.

2015-07-29, 04:17 PM
I don't fully understand what you just said, so I'll just stab you.

You! There! You dropped your sword.

2015-07-29, 05:45 PM
I beg your pardon, dear sir, but if you will only glance down for a moment at where my blade is about to pierce your heart, I believe you will be forced to admit that, in actual point of fact, it was you who dropped your sword.

You fight like a mouse, all quivering and squeaky!

2015-07-29, 08:28 PM
I think you'll find I'm truly cunning and sneaky!

You'll regret crossing me, I solemnly swear!

2015-08-01, 10:44 AM
You'll regret that I'm becoming a bear.

2015-08-01, 12:49 PM

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear what you said over the sound of your failure. Would you mind repeating that?

2015-08-03, 05:51 PM
I said, "Come closer so I can whisper the truth you've been seeking so long into your ear; and also so I can run you through!"

Your reflexes are so slow, it's like you're wading in molasses!

2015-08-03, 08:12 PM
They only appear that way because of the speed of your eyes.

I was once attacked by five men at once. I promptly invented the shish kebab.

2015-08-04, 01:15 AM
Hmm. Sorry, but presenting your own organs on a spear is not going to overcome the tragic lack of pineapple. Five out of ten.

The last man to challenge me walked away a castrato!

2015-08-05, 09:53 AM
I thought you would feint or faint, but no!

This coming from a hat on a chicken,
who is naught but good finger-lickin'!

Stop thy un-rhymed pokes
as you, chicken, are a pile of jokes!

I stab at thee, you foul fowl
surrender now or let me hear thee howl!

What is your response to this, my good sir?!

2015-08-05, 11:31 AM
Hm? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

What I lack in attention span, I make up for in rash, unthinking attacks!

2015-08-05, 04:13 PM
A shame you missed that we're playing chess, then.

I once met a man in black dueling a Spaniard. On seeing me, they both jumped over a cliff.

2015-08-05, 05:04 PM
With your body odor, anyone would jump once they took a whiff.

I met worms with more wits than you.

2015-08-05, 05:21 PM
You'll be sleeping with the worms when I bid you adieu!

Your career as a duelist is turning out to be a short one.

2015-08-06, 11:05 PM
This, coming from one whose weight is measured by the ton!

You cannot duel
You're such a fool!

Just give it up
Or I'll pour out your life like a full cup!

What have you to say now, you fool-hearty lout?

2015-08-06, 11:17 PM
I'm actually laughing at that. You made me laugh.

When I laugh, I get a bonus to my attack roll! You do NOT want to know why.

2015-08-09, 08:47 AM
I'm impressed! The stench ye expelled did off the troll.

I thought this was an insult duel, but I've read nothing but respite.
I was under the impression that swordfighters could put up...ye know, a fight.

2015-08-14, 02:55 AM
It is a bit difficult, by right, to fight one who so prefers flight from his plight caused by inferior might and lack of ability to smite. you are not polite, meaning you are no true knight, despite your "apparent" height.

you swear, by your honour, that the pancakes are good and the mustard is sad, yet it is known that the mustard is good and the pancakes are bad. This, by logic of the wise lad Chadd, means that your mad, rad skills are but a tad of such, nowhere near what you WISH YOU HAD!!! :smallfurious:

2015-08-17, 08:09 AM
Your rhymes are bad, your swordplay is bad, and you should feel bad, as well as sad and mad.

It's as if you wished to be the worst duelist that's ever lived, and now you're living the dream!

2015-08-22, 07:38 AM

I am unpredictable! Watch, I'll start to fight myself!

2015-08-22, 08:35 AM
Even if you were fighting yourself, you'd STILL lose.

I'm going to end you here and now, you malodorous fop!

2015-08-26, 01:26 PM
Its called "aire du peloes", it goes with my clothes. Not a good noes in any of my foes, it seems.

Speaking of noses, I think you should stop now before yours grows larger then your ego

2015-09-28, 03:04 PM
Jokes On you, I am really Voldemort.

*[Insert Comment about mother's body mass index]*

2015-10-01, 12:04 AM
Pffft. I removed all my mom's fat with a scimitar two days ago. She's good. And dead.


Enero Irontoad
2015-10-02, 11:22 PM
To be alive to see you today would have been a fate your mother would dread.

Edit: Or is your next taunt the caption of this picture you posted? If so, feel the sting of this alternate retort:

There's a reason it has "stupid" in it, but you'd figure that out never.

My prowess is as great as your taunts are pathetic!

Sgt. Cookie
2015-10-08, 03:14 PM
Well I'm not the one admitting inadequacy, here.

I've heard rumours about your skill. Had I not seen them for myself, I would never have believed someone could be that terrible.

2015-10-08, 09:34 PM
You're right, I am terrible to behold!

Why is your nose running? Do you have a cold?

2015-10-09, 04:51 AM
Nope, I just had a good laugh telling a friend that I was to duel you. Let's start.

Eyh, why are you running? Do you have another appointment?

2015-10-09, 01:18 PM
Yeah, I'm late for the World Championship Swordfighting finals, you son of a crayfish.

Call that a sword? That's just a rusty old knife!

2015-10-09, 08:36 PM
Still, sharper than the combined wit of you and your wife.

Speaking of cows...your turn. Eager to hear your steaming pile.

2015-10-17, 05:08 PM
Oh please, my quips are better than yours by a mile!

I can leave a brawl like this for months and come right back seamlessly!

2015-10-17, 05:22 PM
Your doctors are that good, huh?

Did you know that when you and I cross, you get a ghost?

2015-10-18, 11:37 AM
Oh please, will you stop haunting me and go rest in peace already?

To quote the sexy shoeless god of war: "You call that skinny thing a weapon? I could sunder that by speaking too loudly"

2015-10-18, 05:02 PM
And yet you brandish your even tinier toothpick so proudly.

Are you holding back because you're afraid or are you just trying to bore me to death?

2015-11-07, 04:09 AM
Finishing a fight in five seconds would leave me even more bored.

How many stabs does it take to get to the neophyte center of a neophyte fighter?

2015-11-07, 08:09 PM
Not sure, but I'm willing to use you as a test subject to find out.

This battle isn't even serious enough to warrant a soundtrack!

Sgt. Cookie
2015-11-09, 07:10 PM
Hah! I always knew you were hearing things!

Do you know how many men I've killed with this sword!? MORE THAN YOU CAN COUNT!

2015-11-10, 09:50 AM
Unknown to him, who by rage was blinded, what he routed, were livestock and mount.

I'd have you pretenders drawn and quartered, but your talents can't even draw a dime.

2015-12-20, 06:39 PM
Try to give a penny for my thoughts and I'll more than nick-el you.

I'm so powerful, I made a game thread that got more popular than this one!

2015-12-21, 06:33 PM
All those nice threads and you still look like that, huh?

I'll give your flesh to the beasts of the land and the birds of the air!

2015-12-21, 09:56 PM
And on my deathbed, I'll donate my brain to you, who need a spare!

And, truly, none of you can be the best wordsmith alive, until I'm dead and gone.

2015-12-26, 03:10 AM
If by "words" you mean "power to kill with a yawn".

My skill with the cutlass has never been matched!

2016-01-02, 06:19 AM
because all that have done so ended up skewering themselves

Beware.. for you now face someone who is a true Artiste` with their weapon

Zar Peter
2016-01-02, 07:08 AM
Well, then this someone should better turn up before I kill you!

Your worst dreams will come true when I'm finished with you!

2016-01-02, 11:37 AM
Good thing I'm an insomniac, and thus devoid of all dreams.

The bitter black winds begin to howl. Come then, if it is death you seek!

2016-01-02, 05:25 PM
What a beautiful description of the halitosis of which you reek!

Be meek! For the real master of swords and words has arrived!

2016-01-02, 09:50 PM
That I have! Quickly now, I've a meeting in five.

Your rhymes are pathetic, your style doubly so!

2016-01-05, 10:33 AM
At least they're better than your substance.

I've seen geese who can parry better than you! Get it, "pair e"?

Dark Lord Salsa
2016-01-10, 12:45 PM
I can see, with you Parryotting about like a coward!

You keep missing! What, left your patch on your good eye there, yeah?

2016-01-10, 10:19 PM
Well, I'm wearing patches on BOTH of my eyes and neither of them have problems, so... yeah.

You know what, patches off.
Oh, you're big.

2016-01-10, 10:36 PM
Correct. Now watch me gut you like a pig!

You cur! You've gotten entrails on my blade!

2016-01-10, 11:41 PM
How does it feel to have been defeated with your own sword?

I'd axe you a question, but you seem to have already lost your head!

2016-01-11, 12:54 AM
Just a flesh wound!

Now, count up your sins!

Dark Lord Salsa
2016-01-11, 06:12 AM

Yearghh! I am ye Barber of Stormalong! Who wants the first shave?!?!

2016-01-11, 06:01 PM

This is the limb of a sailor or something. I couldn't understand his accent. Do you think you will fare any better?

2016-01-11, 10:27 PM
'Tis the limb of a tree, t'which ye seem to be tethered.

All words and no rhyme makes killing you a bore.

2016-01-26, 03:49 PM
Your 'skill' and 'wits' makes you a boar

Instead of molasses I will drizzle your blood on my pancake seeing how how slow and thick you are.

2016-01-27, 08:29 PM
You'd have to cut me first; my blood doesn't come in a jar!

Funny sidenote: while you were writing that post yesterday... I was eating pancakes. No joke.

You're duller than the backside of a butter knife!

...still thinking about pancakes...mmmm...

2016-01-27, 08:48 PM
And you're softer than my newborn son's backside. Your point?

Mortals are so weak!

2016-01-29, 03:36 AM
And you, sir, are past your peak.

Perhaps if I held my blade in my teeth this fight would be fair.

2016-01-31, 06:28 PM
Fairer if, for once, you have a toothbrush working there.
The only reason for you to carry weapons, is to juggle them while making faces.

2016-02-01, 05:37 PM
Do you count your own head as a weapon, then?

They call me the Grim Reaper, for I am the last thing you shall ever see with your own eyes.

Sgt. Cookie
2016-02-01, 06:06 PM
I'm guessing you want me to visit more often in your old age, then?

Perhaps if you were in a circus, you'd provide some entertainment!

2016-02-01, 08:10 PM
I'll leave showmanship to clowns, for now your bowels need containment.

I'll skewer your heart within two seconds flat!

2016-02-01, 08:40 PM
Not with that sort of rushed sloppiness, you aren't!

Imma deck you in the schnoz!

2016-02-16, 02:18 AM
You, hitting me? You must be dreaming, in the land of Oz!

Then I shall show you proper fighting!

Prince Zahn
2016-02-16, 05:25 AM
Ha! You first have to master proper dining! *fights with spoon*

You've come to the wrong carnival. leave now or burn!

2016-02-22, 02:43 PM
Carnage you mean. *skewers* It's your left lung's turn!

I've just skewered the flame-prince. Do you wish the same?

2016-03-03, 11:07 PM
Don't even try, your skills are lame

Once you face me you'll sound retreat

2016-03-04, 12:12 AM
Maybe, if your neck wasn't holding my feet.

I'd make a notch on my belt for your death, but I'm out of room.

2016-04-04, 06:01 AM
Given how long that belt has to be to get around your waist, I rather doubt that.

No man alive can stand against me!

2016-04-04, 08:26 PM
Only fought against men, and not beasts of the sea?

Your rhyme scheme's atrocious, two stars at best.

2016-04-04, 08:42 PM
Truly, 'tis not comparable to your wordsmithing **** fest!

Speaking of Stars, yours is like the prequel to my original trilogy.