Gamer Humor Things I May No Longer Do while Playing VIII: Why is the PLOT on fire? [Archive] - Page 2

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Lord Torath

2015-06-11, 08:23 PM

*May not make a puzzle whose solution is up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, A, B.**Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, however, is acceptable!

Dexam

2015-06-11, 08:28 PM

*My bard has never even heard of the instrument known as the sackbut.
**Even though it's just a baroque trombone.
***May not play the trombone.
****My bard has never heard of the krummhorn either.
*****Nor the flugelhorn.
******Banjolele is right out.
*******The guitjo is likewise banned.
********The cümbüş (Turkish oud-banjo) shall not even be named.

*********Perform (Square Dance Calling) is right out of the question.

GPuzzle

2015-06-11, 08:34 PM

**Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, however, is acceptable!

A, B was on purpose. Going B, A reseted the puzzle.

JAL_1138

2015-06-11, 09:27 PM

A, B was on purpose. Going B, A reseted the puzzle.

You monster.

GPuzzle

2015-06-11, 09:35 PM

You monster.
Why do you think I may no longer do that?

razorfloss

2015-06-11, 10:18 PM

A, B was on purpose. Going B, A reseted the puzzle.

thats just evil funny but evil

Ksheep

2015-06-11, 11:53 PM

* I may not make a knife sharp enough to cut the bond between a spell caster and his familiar
** I may not attempt to harness the power released when such a bond is severed
*** I may not pump this power into the Aurora in order to create a rift in the fabric of the planes several thousand feet high
**** I should not be surprised when this sparks an inter-planar war, with my home plane in the middle of everything

Sith_Happens

2015-06-12, 12:57 AM

razorfloss

2015-06-12, 03:13 AM

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-12, 03:45 AM

Is that a fate/stay night reference I see?

* My wizard cannot use 'do you want to see a mana transfer ritual' as a pickup line.
** The female fighter does not need to participate in one after shooting lasers from her sword.
*** When is Heaven's Feel getting a series anyway?
**** If the plot to my Scion game is 'Fate/Stay Night without the masters' I must inform the group before I make characters.
***** Gilgamesh is not the god of any of the following:
-awesomeness
-being an arrogant prick
-arbitrarily large bank accounts
****** Archer cannot show up as a blacksmith god.
Okay, so I'm not actually running that game, and it was actually inspired by Kamen Rider Ryuki

Rater202

2015-06-12, 03:50 AM

*In a Harry Potter based roleplay, starting during book one but diverging from canon more and more as we progress, my former Gringotts employee Wizard/Aspiring Dark Lord(Who just wants the title, not any of the other stuff) is not to steal the Philosopher's stone from Nicolas Flamel's Vault literally the Day before Hagrid retrieves it, thus horribly derailing the plotline in the first session.
**Nor am I to use a vaguely defined combination of Transfiguration, Runes, Potion Making*, and Alchemy* to turn the Stone into a fully functional Artificial Heart that still Functions as a Philosopher's stone and then use a switching spell to swap it for my own heart, thus providing myself with a continuous drip of the elixir of life directly into my bloodstream.
***What did the others tell me about ripping off fanfiction for ideas?

This is with the same IRL group from the Omnitrices game, BTW.

I'll keep y'all posted.

*Not quite the same thing in HP, though I'm fuzzy on the details

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-12, 03:53 AM

*In a harry Potter based roleplay, starting during book one but diverging from canon more and more as we progress, my former Gringotts employee Wizard/Aspiring Dark Lord(Who just wants the title, not any of the other stuff) is not to steal the Philosopher's stone from Nicolas Flamel's Vault literally the Day before Hagrid retrieves it, thus horribly derailing the plotline in the first session.
**Nor am I to use a vaguely defined combination of Transfiguration, Runes, Potion Making*, and Alchemy* to turn the Stone into a fully functional Artificial Heart that still Functions as a Philosopher's stone and then use a switching spell to swap it for my own heart, thus providing myself with a continuous drip of the elixir of life directly into my bloodstream.
***What did the others tell me about ripping off fanfiction for ideas?

**** But do your veins turn to gold?
***** Cannot sell my blood vessels for money.

anti-ninja

2015-06-12, 05:40 AM

*I may not go around telling everyone that the wizards secretly control the world ,just cuse im pissed that they would not let me join the guild.

Ksheep

2015-06-12, 07:25 AM

Is that a fate/stay night reference I see?

Actually a His Dark Materials reference (see also: The Golden Compass/Northern Lights, depending on nationality)

Wookieetank

2015-06-12, 08:29 AM

JAL_1138

2015-06-12, 08:48 AM

*In D&D, if my character is not evil, then injured centaurs, unicorns, pegasi, and other equines are to be healed with curative magic, not shot in the head and sent to the glue-boiler.
**That goes double for anything MLP-related.

Socksy

2015-06-12, 03:02 PM

*****Especially if I'm playing a tinker gnome.
******Not allowed to play a tinker gnome.
*******Not only am I forbidden from including tinker gnomes in any way shape form or fashion in my own setting, this now applies to Greyhawk, Planescape, Spelljammer, Dragonlance, Ravenloft, Dark Sun, Mystara and Forgotten Realms whenever I'm a player. They do not exist. Ordinary gnomes are ok.
********Cannot play an ordinary gnome like a tinker gnome.

********* Definitely cannot play an autognome.

JAL_1138

2015-06-12, 05:05 PM

********* Definitely cannot play an autognome.

Way ahead of you. :smalltongue:

*Prohibited from converting any of the most gloriously, wonderfully insane and/or stupid monsters from old TSR editions to 5e
**That goes double for Spelljammer
***Tinker Gnomes only exist on Krynn
****I may not place Tinker Gnomes in Faerun and use the Spelljammer explanation that all their deranged and ill-considered inventions actually work once they're away from Reorx's influence as a way to send absurd clockwork-and-steam contraptions against the party
****May not stat up an "Escaped Gnomish Potato-Peeler" as a dungeon boss
*****May not stat up an "Escaped Gnomish Combination Beard-Trimmer and Weed-Whacker" as the serial killer the party has been tracking
******May not use Autognomes for anything
*******May not use any form of Giant Space Hamster
********Tyrannohamstersaurus Rexes as city-threatening kaiju are right out
*********Gnomes do not exist in my campaign
**********May not use ancient relics of the long-vanished Gnomish Empire or remnants of said Gnomish Empire's monster-breeding programs
***********Gnomes have never existed in my campaign in any way whatsoever

(emphasis added)

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-12, 05:12 PM

* If banditry is getting routine, I still may not invent the autopirate.

* 'Granny with a Shotgun' is not a decent name for a character.
** Her calling is not 'having a shotgun'.
*** Her back story is not that she travels from world to world when a new edition comes in and uses the reduced scaling to take down gods.

Rater202

2015-06-12, 05:44 PM

JAL_1138

2015-06-12, 05:57 PM

****Likewise, I can't play "Farmer with Shotgun"

*****My battlecry is not "GIT OFF MY LAND, DAGNABBIT!"

spineyrequiem

2015-06-12, 06:19 PM

* If I beat anyone else to health with my magic wellness stick, the DM is changing my alignment to Chaotic Good.
* The mere fact that the Druid's familiar has the same name as my god doesn't mean that the one is the earthly manifestation of the other. I don't need to start worshipping it or attempting to follow its commandments.
* St Badgers' Day is not a real festival and you'd better believe the local priesthood know this
** Can't use the fact that I'm a bishop and they're just lowly parish priests to win the argument
* "Currently on fire" is not a valid requirement for a prestige class, and I should stop trying to convince the fighter otherwise.

DigoDragon

2015-06-12, 06:24 PM

****Likewise, I can't play "Farmer with Shotgun"

I have allowed "Farmer with a sniper rifle (http://www.simohayha.com/)". :smallbiggrin:
It was glorious.

GPuzzle

2015-06-12, 06:28 PM

I have allowed "Farmer with a sniper rifle (http://www.simohayha.com/)". :smallbiggrin:
It was glorious.

*In case of "Farmer with Sniper Rifle", may not play this song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5CaQ37VYvw) over and over.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-12, 06:37 PM

* St Badgers' Day is not a real festival and you'd better believe the local priesthood know this

Lies!

* "Currently on fire" is not a valid requirement for a prestige class, and I should stop trying to convince the fighter otherwise.

** May not design the blazing champion prestige class.

Spore

2015-06-12, 07:17 PM

I have allowed "Farmer with a sniper rifle (http://www.simohayha.com/)". :smallbiggrin:
It was glorious.

*Am currently playing Farmer with Assault Rifle.
** May not refer to my sword-, bow and axewielding comrades as savages.
*** Even if I have a modern assault rifle which can kill a man 100 ft. away and they have a hard time shoving their axes through leather armor wielding barbarians.
**** May only point out once per gaming night that I am the technologically superior farmer while my fellow players are fighting with stuff from a different epoch.
***** May not try to upgrade myself to "Farmer with Energy Weapons."
****** "Farmer with vast amount of explosives" is right out.
******* "Farmer with a tad bit of explosives" is okay.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-12, 07:20 PM

* May not be more than a century EDIT: more advanced than my comrades.

JAL_1138

2015-06-12, 09:55 PM

*Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Simo Häyhä was not the mortal avatar of some ancient, nameless, forgotten god of ice and death, from the days before Valhalla; dormant for millennia, until awakened and roused to bloody wrath, naming a simple farmer as his champion and vessel.
**Although both occurred on the same day, the Winter War did not end because the Russians heard he woke up after they shot him in the head with an exploding bullet and said "Oh sh—, he's awake, &$@% this, let's take what concessions we can get and leave before he kills us all."

GPuzzle

2015-06-12, 10:23 PM

Thatwarforged

2015-06-13, 01:51 AM

*May not describe the fighter as being "like Captain America without the shield, skill or awesomeness."

Spore

2015-06-13, 04:42 AM

* May not be more than a century EDIT: more advanced than my comrades.

** Time travel is forbidden to explain said advanced weaponry.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-13, 05:19 AM

* My character's inventory cannot consist of 50 different ways to set stuff on fire.
** Because we were doing it fine before.

JAL_1138

2015-06-13, 06:41 AM

*Theological arguments between clerics of St. Cuthbert (pre-3e version) do not consist of clobbering each other on the head with cudgels until one agrees with the other one.
**Even if a direct quote from the co-inventor of TTRPGs is "St. Cuthbert was more of a joke than otherwise. Consider the advocacy of pounding sense into someone's head by dint of blows from a club." Gary Gygax: Q & A (Part XII, Page 4). EN World, 8/23/06

PoeticDwarf

2015-06-13, 10:55 AM

1. Playing bisexual characters (why the gnome doesn't charm me, I hate it).
2. Playing Dwarfs
3. Playing a non-dwarf character who wants to be a Dwarf.
4. Kill every elf I see.
5. Kill every half-elf I see
6. Kill every non-Dwarf I see
7. Kill every Dwarf who talks to a non-dwarf
8. Playing a elf who hates to be a elf
9. Playing a human who hates to be a human

JAL_1138

2015-06-13, 07:33 PM

*May not conspire with another player to create a pair of farriers, horse-and-ox veterinarians, and wainwrights based on Tom and Ray Magliozzi, AKA "Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers," from NPR's Car Talk.

Socksy

2015-06-14, 02:41 PM

* I am not Azor Ahai reborn.
** Neither is my character.

* If both my thief and the party fighter rolled a 1 to determine starting HP, we should probably roll up the new characters for when we die before the game even begins.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-14, 03:11 PM

* I am not Spartacus.
** Or Brian.
*** What wife?
**** I am not my wife.
***** Neither is my wife.
****** May not marry the AU version of myself.
******** May not legalise polyamory and gay marriage in order to marry all the AU counterparts of myself.

JAL_1138

2015-06-14, 03:27 PM

*When the DM asks me what my bard is playing at the inn, my bard cannot play something so sad the succubus abandons plans to eat my soul in order to give me a hug and tell me it'll be ok.

(Adjusted a bit to D&D--"gods" replaces "Lord," "cart" replaces "car")

Mother, I made it up from the bruise on the floor of this prison
Mother, I lost it, all of the fear of the gods I was given
Mother, forget me, now that the creek drank the cradle you sang to
Mother, forgive me, I sold your cart for the shoes that I gave you

So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten
Sons can be birds, taken broken up to the mountain

**May never play an Iron & Wine song again in the DM's presence.

Cazero

2015-06-14, 03:53 PM

******** May not legalise polyamory and gay marriage in order to marry all the AU counterparts of myself.
Don't you merely need to travel to an universe where it's already legal?

DigoDragon

2015-06-14, 04:13 PM

Don't you merely need to travel to an universe where it's already legal?

Don't encourage anonymous wizards! :smallbiggrin:

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-14, 04:35 PM

Don't encourage anonymous wizards! :smallbiggrin:

And don't trust anybody who won't tell you their name, I heard that there's a suspicious mage around here.

Rater202

2015-06-14, 07:34 PM

*I may not play a Dire Wereape.

Mandark

2015-06-14, 10:53 PM

Lord Raziere

2015-06-15, 02:52 AM

* May not forget that we found a dead dragon's treasure hoard worth millions.
** Twice.
*** Especially if my character is supposed to have the photographic memory of a computer and was there when it was discovered.

PrincessCupcake

2015-06-15, 05:11 AM

Ahh players:
*Polymorph into a dragon and attack the bad guys? Sure!
**Was tearing them apart really necessary?
***Okay, EATING them is an alignment check.
****yes, it is still cannibalism if you are polymorphed.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-15, 05:22 AM

* May not know more about fairies than the fairy obsessed player.
** Especially if it is just that the Seelie are nice, not moral.
*** The fairies cannot try to keep the Scions as pets.

* May not make fun of the 'shooty sneaky guy' child of Loki liking to do it from behind.
** Even if it describes how his previous five characters acted.
*** I meant sneak attack, not that.

* Cannot have the Camarilla attack the band for breaking the masquerade.
** Saulot is not a Titan.
*** Yes, Caine might be a Titan. Or a Scion. But not both at once.
**** Caine is not a Titan/Scion/vampire/werewolf/mage/Beast hybrid.

Rater202

2015-06-15, 06:04 AM

*You are all really lucky that, after a string of insults that pushed a bunch of berserk buttons, the strongest person in the party just left instead of killing most of you.

blacklight101

2015-06-15, 08:11 AM

*No longer allowed to make my friends characters for another friend's oneshot campaign. It might break the DM.
**The frenzied berzerker was bad enough, but the cleric and that other fighter? Those were just wrong.
***what do you mean you made four of the seven characters in this campaign?
****I dont care if you did only use the PHB and CW and a little OGL stuff, you broke the game.
*****looks like just commoners from now on. I did a bad thing. :smallwink:

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-15, 09:03 AM

* May not take Chicken Infested.

JAL_1138

2015-06-15, 09:56 AM

*Despite precedent, injuring a chicken will not result in being flogged by an infinite number of invulnerable chickens until shelter is found.

goto124

2015-06-15, 10:15 AM

* May not make fun of the 'shooty sneaky guy' child of Loki liking to do it from behind.
** Even if it describes how his previous five characters acted.
*** I meant sneak attack, not that.

**** May not suddenly start singing this at the table:

Rogues do it from behind.
Clerics do it on their knees.
Monks do it with both hands.
Necromancers do it with all their oldest and dearest friends.

Paladins do it with protection.
Rangers are all natural.
Sorcerers do it spontaneously.
Conjurers do it with friends.
Evokers do it with Force.
Barbarians do it with Fury.
Bards... Well, what don't bard do?

Truenamers talks about it.

***** May not ask for the most recent thread that discussed these sort of lines.

Wookieetank

2015-06-15, 10:18 AM

* May not take Chicken Infested.

**May not be Infested with Chickens who are also Chicken Infested.
***May not create a Chickenception.

Strigon

2015-06-15, 12:24 PM

Interestingly enough, the plot actually was on fire last session for a moment, due to the use of candles for atmospheric effect and a momentarily distracted DM (me).

DigoDragon

2015-06-15, 12:50 PM

* May not take Chicken Infested.

** I am no longer allowed to have Wilhelm II interrogate such infested PCs to create a Grilled Chicken Sandwich.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-15, 01:06 PM

**May not be Infested with Chickens who are also Chicken Infested.
***May not create a Chickenception.

**** May not take leadership at level 6.
***** My cohort cannot be one of my chickens. My followers as well.
****** My chicken cohort cannot have Chicken Infested.
******* My Chicken Infested chicken cohort cannot take leadership.
******** It's cohort cannot be a chicken.
********* May not repeat the chicken cohort loop.
********** My name is not larder.

I actually want to play this character now.

Segev

2015-06-15, 02:09 PM

**** May not take leadership at level 6.
***** My cohort cannot be one of my chickens. My followers as well.
****** My chicken cohort cannot have Chicken Infested.
******* My Chicken Infested chicken cohort cannot take leadership.
******** It's cohort cannot be a chicken.
********* May not repeat the chicken cohort loop.
********** My name is not larder.

I actually want to play this character now.

http://a.dilcdn.com/bl/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2013/11/gonzo-and-camilla-the-chicken2.jpg

Wookieetank

2015-06-15, 03:23 PM

http://a.dilcdn.com/bl/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2013/11/gonzo-and-camilla-the-chicken2.jpg

Well done, you made my day with this. I believe you deserve a cookie for this one.

TurboGhast

2015-06-15, 09:46 PM

Sorta-based on actual events.
* Cannot have the ranger have a secret plot to destroy civilization via spamming Control Weather.
** This is not only because rangers can't get control weather.
*** Must clarify whether brainfarts are OOC or IC.

Rater202

2015-06-15, 10:58 PM

*I am not allowed to be a Scion of Any Deity in the TVTropes pantheon.

Sith_Happens

2015-06-15, 11:17 PM

*I am not allowed to be a Scion of Any Deity in the TVTropes pantheon.

** When told that Haruhi Suzumiya does not exist in the setting, the correct response is not "As if that would stop her from having Scions."

* There is no such thing as a weretree.

JohnTheSavage

2015-06-16, 12:57 AM

*I am not allowed to be a Scion of Any Deity in the TVTropes pantheon.

**Similarly, I may not be a paladin or cleric of any deity in the TVTropes pantheon either.

Rater202

2015-06-16, 01:36 AM

**Similarly, I may not be a paladin or cleric of any deity in the TVTropes pantheon either.

*Nor can I roleplay as a deity in the TVtropes Pantheon.
**Not Even one of the Quasi-Deities
***No mean no.
****I don't care how a great a sitcom you think it'll make.

GPuzzle

2015-06-16, 04:26 AM

*If the entire party is, somehow, devoted or a representative a Deity from the TVTropes pantheon, give the GM 15 minutes to come up with something else entirely on the spot.

Socksy

2015-06-16, 09:31 AM

* My cohort cannot be a dakimakura.
** Neither can my PC.

GPuzzle

2015-06-16, 10:26 AM

* My cohort cannot be a dakimakura.
** Neither can my PC.
***My Wizard does not summon Dakimakuras.
****Especially Katawa Shoujo ones.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-16, 12:15 PM

* May not play the DMPC's cohort.
** Especially if this would give me levels on the other party members.

* My villains can no longer be smart.
** They definitely aren't allowed to take advantage of their powers.
*** Correctly reasoning that Camarilla agents would not bring tools to dig through stone (I know, terribly bad form from the players) and setting up a grate in the floor a week in advance, along with the secret passage, just so they can escape when the meeting is crashed by using bloodform, is especially bad form.
**** They cannot have escaped into a sewer for the dual purpose of making them harder to track when the Coterie finally breaks through, and to give any Auspex users a nasty shock, is not allowed either.
***** Especially when none of my PCs are anywhere near this smart.
****** My NPCs cannot recreate the Tomb of Horrors with their lairs.
******* I cannot plan to wipe them at the doorbell.

Rater202

2015-06-16, 06:33 PM

*When the GM caves and let's us play Scions of the TVtropes Pantheon, I'm not alowed to point out that a Scion of Son Goku would be weaker than just his regular children.

JAL_1138

2015-06-16, 10:18 PM

*May not base my rogue on Cpl. Cecil Wormsborough St. John "Nobby" Nobbs.

Ksheep

2015-06-17, 08:12 AM

* My wizard may not make a magical monster that combines a wasp and a bear
** I may not call this creature a Bugbear
*** I don't care if it's descriptive on what it is, that name is already taken by an oversized goblinoid
**** No, I may not breed oversized Kobolds and call them Owlbears

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-17, 08:24 AM

* The child of a bugbear and owlbear is not a bear.

*May not play an alcoholic awakened bear bear totem barbarian, or a bear beer bear barbarian.

* 'Not a twentieth level wizard' cannot be ended with iron heart surge.

Rater202

2015-06-18, 04:16 AM

*Concocting a solution made from Phoenix feathers and blood and ash and Tears, mermaid blood, Basilisk scales and blood and Venom, Unicorn horn and hair and Blood, Rem's Blood, werewolf saliva, vela hair, vampire's blood and fangs, giants blood, troll's blood, goblin blood, house els blood, thetral blood, powdered lethifold skin, a scrap from a Dementor's cloak, a leaf and scrap of bark taken from every kind of wand wood tree, and the scales and the blood of all known breeds of dragon, with solid materials grounded down into the finest powder and perfectly equal amounts of all ingredients blended together as thoroughly as possible, then allowed to set for three consecutive lunar cycles, with charms on the cauldron to preserve it and keep it from separating or the various bloods from coagulating, before being diluted in 10 parts elixir of life, ten parts freshly made Mountain Dew(can't get enough of that muggle drink), and ten parts pure ethanol.
**nor can I allow the several dozen gallons of solution to chill overnight before allowing it to be absorbed by 30 pounds of powdered goblin silver.
***I can not then dissolve that silver in a mixture of equal parts Mountain Dew and Vodka, and then mix that solution with an equal amount of Polyjuice potion.
****Pouring several gallons of this potion down my throat with a frat funnel over the course of several weeks will not turn me into a Super Wizard

unseenmage

2015-06-18, 04:12 PM

*My sword is not my punchline.
**My sword is not my agent.
***No one is interested in buying my schtick.
****No more aggressive advertising.
*****Especially when no one survives the punchline or being introduced to my agent.
******Extra especially no more passive aggressive advertising.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-19, 06:35 AM

* In a combat game, I cannot stubbornly refuse to put any points in skills that would be useful in combat.
** I cannot justify this by spending every point possible to max out the hacking skill.
*** Cannot point out all the rest of the skill points have gone into software writing, computer operation, electronics, social engineering, digging through the dumpster, and classical literature.
**** The BBEG did not pick 'incorrect' as a password.

JetpackJimmy

2015-06-19, 08:35 AM

JAL_1138

2015-06-20, 02:41 AM

*There are in fact some problems which cannot be solved by a sufficent quantity of high explosives.

Lord Raziere

2015-06-20, 02:56 AM

** Mostly because they're the problems CAUSED by sufficient quantity of high explosives.

Rater202

2015-06-20, 03:04 AM

*Note, ripping off your own arm, vaporizing it with an energy blast, and then regrowing your arm in front of a civilian in order to explain to that civilian that you will not leave the premises until he gives you the information he wants sometimes results in said civilian fainting.

Lord Raziere

2015-06-20, 03:18 AM

** Mostly because all the stuff after ripping your own arm off was pretty much superfluous overkill because the civilian fainted just by the first action alone.
*** Remember that PC's are all people who generally Have Seen Some ****. Civilians on the other hand don't have the mental conditioning a tragic backstory gives PC's to shrug off things that would normally cause PTSD.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-20, 03:43 AM

** Mostly because they're the problems CAUSED by sufficient quantity of high explosives.

*** If it's on fire, the solution is not fire.
**** Even if I prove that that will put out the fire.

Rater202

2015-06-22, 05:13 AM

*My Necrobard with undead leadership represented entirely by well preserved awakened zombie can not instruct said zombies to clap and stomp along while he's playing "We will Rock You" to provide dozens of aid another attempts on his preformance.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-22, 05:58 AM

As a GM:
* If a player has just spent 100CP on a fully customised Fury or Reaper, may not put them in one-on-one combat with a tooled up Splicer.
** Especially if that splicer has an even chance of beating the dedicated combat morph. Doubly so if it is entirely due to speed.
*** Even if I offer a partial refund when a character's initial morph is destroyed.
**** Cannot give NPCs more than one combat drug gland.
***** Cannot point out that drug glands let you push your performance beyond a Fury for a fraction of the cost, or can be taken with you as blueprints. Especially can't mention this in the character creation session.
* Cannot make the PCs go through getting their gear again because nobody thought to buy blueprints.
* The words 'baby TITAN' should not be said in the same sentence as 'safe'.

noob

2015-06-22, 07:00 AM

I may no longer argue with my game master about rules and about the things a necromancer could have done which would have made him harder to defeat.(because of my arguing he created one new kind of undead called scourge of aaarrrg he stroke my character 317 times with lightning and he received an epic curse made by that necromancer who spent half of this life to create a curse specifically made for affecting my character and who can not be dispelled nor detected in any way)
And I should not think again about creating an electricity central powered by game-master wrath(actually I never spoke him about that)
And when I am a game master I should never set my scenario on fire with a match.
And I should not say that a black hole being of very small volume can be poly-morphed into a chicken and then used as a strategic weapon against gods(the only constraint in universal poly-morph is volume)
And I should not ask for the pathfinder version of simulacrum for creating infinite amount of spell-casting wealth by copying high level priests.
And I should stop making plans who does not involve bombarding the dungeons/bank/prison with thousand of 500g spiked balls because there is a limit to 20d6 damage inflicted by one falling object and that magic items are now less important than defeating the opponents.
And I should stop to think to make animated multipolybolos for wrecking everything with 30 arrows per turn.

PrincessCupcake

2015-06-22, 08:25 AM

*may not use Raging Song while commanding a platoon of Dwarven Warriors.
**May not use Raging song to empower a platoon of anything.

*When attempting to discern if someone is a succubus, I should use Detect Evil. Not a Purified Consecrated Fireball.
**Even if it scared a couple PCs.
***You do remember that half the group is neutral-aligned, right?
****No, you may not animate your fallen companions as Deathless unless they agree to it.
*****The Paladin and the Necromancer are forbidden from scheming together.
******You have lost access to the Book of Exalted Deeds. Not the party (yet). Just you.

*When faced with a boss throwing Maximized Expanded Fireballs, my first response should be "Counterspell!", not "Dominate Monster!"
**If the boss turns out to be undead, may not use Polymorph Any Object instead.
***Okay fine, you turned the lich into a sheep. Now what are you going to do?
***** should not have asked.

*I will refrain from giving fellow party members stupid nicknames.
**Twinkle Toes is a stupid nickname.
***.....................Lemming is perfectly acceptable for certain party members.
****Do not call the evil king "That Homicidal Fop" to his face. Even if it is funny.

* "because it was funny" is not an acceptable excuse for anything done with the following: live boars, kobolds, siege weapons, nooses, never-fading chalk, sovereign glue, carrion crawlers, or corpses.
**Polymorph spells, coffins, and alchemical items are now added to the list.
***.........The DM honestly did not ever expect to have to add vampires. Please stop now.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-22, 08:31 AM

* Yes, if they have it, I can theoretically steal it with a pick pocket check.
** Okay, yes you can steal their trousers.
*** ....How are you going to steal their dignity?
**** Certainly not by stealing their trousers.
***** May not attempt to pickpocket any sort of innocence. Especially that one, without stealing their trousers first.
****** Cannot pickpocket the lack of a dragon from someone.
******* Not even if I have a dragon ready and waiting.
* 'Like glibness, but for sleight of hand checks' is no longer a valid spell.

DigoDragon

2015-06-22, 08:59 AM

* No longer allowed to run a Fallout inspired RP without first specifying to the players if it involves ponies or humans.
** Should not attempt to find a way to allow both.

Wookieetank

2015-06-22, 10:18 AM

* No longer allowed to run a Fallout inspired RP without first specifying to the players if it involves ponies or humans.
** Should not attempt to find a way to allow both.

*Not to be surprised when this turns into FO: Equestria Girls

goto124

2015-06-22, 10:20 AM

*** Must clear up with the players on how much romance will take place in the game.
**** Especially when it has both ponies and humans.

DigoDragon

2015-06-22, 10:42 AM

*Not to be surprised when this turns into FO: Equestria Girls

*** Must clear up with the players on how much romance will take place in the game.
**** Especially when it has both ponies and humans.

*Googles Fallout Equestria Girls art*

*It exists*

* Should not be vaguely annoyed that I didn't think of it first. But I am. :smalltongue:

Strigon

2015-06-22, 11:08 AM

****** Cannot pickpocket the lack of a dragon from someone.
******* Not even if I have a dragon ready and waiting.

What's the DC for sneaking a dragon into someone's pocket?

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-22, 11:24 AM

What's the DC for sneaking a dragon into someone's pocket?

What size dragon is the question. I'd say DC 80 for an adult, 90 if it's currently angry and breathing fire, another +10 if the target has noticed said dragon. Reduce by 20 if they have a handy haversack.

No, I've never done this, but only because I never play D&D anymore.

Ksheep

2015-06-22, 07:02 PM

What size dragon is the question. I'd say DC 80 for an adult, 90 if it's currently angry and breathing fire, another +10 if the target has noticed said dragon. Reduce by 20 if they have a handy haversack.

No, I've never done this, but only because I never play D&D anymore.

So you're saying we should try to reverse pick-pocket an angry adult White Dragon, since it (normally) can't be breathing fire.

Erth16

2015-06-22, 11:18 PM

*Not too be surprised that Aquaman can beat Hitler in a fight.
**However if after said fight ends with them seeing themselves as unstoppable together and they team up I can be surprised, but only once.
***When they begin sneaking around in the sewers to sneak up on the blind swordsman and run into Death himself, he should not be attempting to seduce a stray cat before attacking them.
****Not to be surprised when Aquaman is killed by Orcus buffed by 80% by Death.
*****Hitler is not to then team up with death to hunt down the blind swordsman.
******Hitler does not have a deep, personal connection with these random apartments in Japan.
*******His deep personal connection does not empower him tenfold while at the apartments.
********When Hitler's remaining opponents consist of a blind guy, a guy with one arm, a fisherman with no legs, and an angry knight with a rifle, his first decision should not be to wait for the cripples to ally and hunt him down.

*Hitler does not fight by throwing exploding great hammers at people from 24 miles away.

Rater202

2015-06-23, 06:27 AM

*I'm not to consume a city's worth of souls to increase my magical powers.
**Not even if the city I plan to consume is a prison colony filled with nothing but mass murderers and serial rapists.
***Because there are limits, man.
****Also, good luck finding one of those in England.

GPuzzle

2015-06-23, 06:51 AM

*May not have a character whose last name is Henderson ever again.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-23, 06:58 AM

* Despite mythological precedent, I cannot name a character 'McCool'
* Despite real world precedent, I cannot have foreign characters take strange names. Especially the name of a foodstuff.

JAL_1138

2015-06-23, 12:20 PM

Despite real-world precedent, being adjacent to a cat does not induce the Charmed conD'AWW KITTY

Spartakus

2015-06-23, 12:43 PM

* I may host an adventure completely unrelated to our current campaign with the same group if our DM hasn't time to host it.
** I may not ask the chars to sell important plot-items from said campaign to merchants they will likely never see again
*** especially not if our regular DM plays a char in my adventure

*If other players play a dhampir or vampire I may not cast Glitterdust on them
** especially not if said dhampir happens to be a blackguard

JAL_1138

2015-06-23, 01:08 PM

*May not host the game in my basement if any of the players is creeped out by taxidermied animal heads.
**Even players who are not normally creeped out by taxidermied animal heads may be disturbed by sheer quantity.

*May not miss the game without any notification because a storm broke the boat dock.
**Even if it was "fix it or it'll sink" busted and I had to scramble to rig up a couple brackets to hold it together.
***Even if I was too busy trying to keep the dock from sinking (and couldn't keep my phone on me because it'd get drenched) to send a text, I was not too busy to send a text.
****May not call the one jerkass player who had a problem out on the insanity of this because he'll never shut up to the DM about it.
*****No matter how much I want to, I cannot brain said player with a d20 the size of a billiard ball. Not because the DM would mind, but because it'd be a felony.

unseenmage

2015-06-23, 02:10 PM

*Am disallowing myself from staying in games purely out of a morbid curiosity to see how they die.
** Especially obviously failing games that are poorly piloted.
*** Extra especially as they die slowly. They all die so very very slowly.

Spartakus

2015-06-23, 03:37 PM

A player amazed me because of this chain of failure in "Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil"

*If we are currently invading a giant temple filled with evil I may not go on a solo adventure
**If I go on a solo adventure I will tell the other players instead of doing it secretly in a special session with the DM
***If I'm secretly on a solo adventure it may not lead me deeper into the dungeon
****If I am alone deep in the dungeon i have to avoid contact with the inhabitants
*****If I run into the High priest of evil I have to sneak away secretly
******If I happen to kill the high priest because of two lucky sneak attacks I will loot him and get the hell out of there instead of putting him with all his gear into my bag of holding for later looting
*******I may not forget to tell the group about any of these events when I meet them again
********If the group is questioned by other evil clerics about a sword I have stolen on my trip I have to tell someone that there might be a little problem BEFORE everyone empties their bags of holding to prove their innocence.
*********I my not suddenly pull the body of a high priest out of my bag of holding and run away

And most important:
**********I may never ever again insist that my alignment is anything else then chaotic stupid

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-23, 03:56 PM

* Pyromania, suicidal overconfidence, and other standard PC behaviours are not disadvantages.

goto124

2015-06-23, 08:25 PM

*****No matter how much I want to, I cannot brain said player with a d20 the size of a billiard ball. Not because the DM would mind, but because it'd be a felony.

****** May not ask how to get a d20 the size of a billiard ball.

* Pyromania, suicidal overconfidence, and other standard PC behaviours are not disadvantages.

** And not Advantages either.

Ksheep

2015-06-23, 08:46 PM

****** May not ask how to get a d20 the size of a billiard ball.

Well, there was the Magic D20 of Destiny (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_s_FXnPR3Y)

Silus

2015-06-23, 08:51 PM

*Applying undead templates that give ability drain (Shadow, Wraith, etc) to vermin swarms is no longer allowed.

JAL_1138

2015-06-23, 09:46 PM

****** May not ask how to get a d20 the size of a billiard ball.

** And not Advantages either.

I can't remember if I bought it at a game store or online, sadly. Either way it was not a difficult acquisition. Check Amazon if your FLGS doesn't carry them. I think it's 55 millimeter. Koplow makes them. They're numbered in "spindown" style and intended as counters rather than rolled dice ("spindown" or "countdown" dice have all the high numbers on one side, decreasing sequentially on adjacent faces, so it only takes one turn of the die to get to the next number down, 20, 19, 18, etc., etc.)

Lord Raziere

2015-06-24, 02:08 AM

* May not start my introductory Commissar speech to the troops with "Hi Everyone! I Hope I don't have to execute many of you!"
** May not continue it with a speech about how I will listen to them and try to keep them alive as much as possible.
*** May not be completely relaxed and cheerful while I say this.
**** Or include the line "Now I know many Commissars are trigger happy, but I'm different, such ammo is better spent on the enemy!"
***** May not achieve the scariest Commissar speech through pure optimism.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-24, 02:17 AM

* If a Commissar-Captain realises his troops are about to flee, he is not required to execute himself.

Rater202

2015-06-24, 05:24 AM

Inevitability

2015-06-24, 01:46 PM

*Sure, many forms of media can be a source of inspiration for roleplaying games.
**Note that I said many, not all.
***May not base a campaign on Attack on Titan.
****Describing it as 'a zombie apocalypse, but the zombies are bigger' is right out.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-24, 01:56 PM

Lord Raziere

2015-06-25, 03:14 AM

* May not play a Ministorum Priest just to claim whatever I want is "heresy".
** For example, proclaiming that whoever takes the last donut aside from me is a heretic
*** or that not referring to me as "The Great And Holy" as "heresy"
**** may not proclaim "heresy!" every time somebody says they don't like food I like.
***** Nor may I claim that the God-Emperor blesses those who wear pink bows on their head.
****** May not pray for my superiors to "meet the God-Emperor early" for being jerks.

Spore

2015-06-25, 03:55 AM

* May not modify the Vocoder sonic weapon to be a Dubstep gun.
** The DM doesn't care that Dubstep isn't anachronistic in this setting.
*** Altering the frequency to form music doesn't do damage anymore.
**** The tribal folk fear your mechanical contraption. They do not do "sick moves on the dance floor".
***** Even if it is merely the lack of a dancefloor.

bobthehero

2015-06-25, 04:38 PM

May no longer fire at the rocket of an Ork rocket launcher while said rocket is loaded in the launcher, not even with a -60 penalty.

MrZJunior

2015-06-26, 02:07 PM

*May not commit suicide with a guillotine.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-26, 02:16 PM

*May not commit suicide with a guillotine.

** Especially the card game.
*** Manslaughter is also out.
**** Banned from making a pun based on 'getting a head'.
***** Still banned from puns in general.
****** That's banned IRL for the puns, not just at the gaming table.

* Cannot show the erotic art skill to anybody in the group.
** Especially not under the title 'best skill in the game'.
*** If the entire party is playing prostitutes I will be blamed.
**** What do you mean just as planned?
***** Cannot try to trick the party into playing prostitutes just to avoid a party of murder hobos.
****** The same applies to: farmers, blacksmiths, clerics*, clerks, roleplayers, beggars, and animal trainers.

* They must take a vow of pacifism to the non-violence level, for the major religion.

KnotKnormal

2015-06-26, 02:28 PM

*Elves do not have Irish accents when drunk.
**Dwarves do no have English accents when sober
***Orcs are not from Australia.
****Dragonborns are not from Alabama
*****I can no longer use accents when role playing.

Rater202

2015-06-26, 02:48 PM

*I amy not blackmail fellow Players with pictures of my PC crying when they talk about retiring their PC or leaving the game.
**Even if it works.
***Not even if it would actually make my PC cry.
****And the game wound't be the same if either the player or the PC left.
*****Especially since it's just a crappy photoshop made with a template a filter.
******May not link the picture in question (http://orig09.deviantart.net/af52/f/2015/177/5/a/crying_gear_by_rater202-d8yue2s.jpg)

DigoDragon

2015-06-26, 04:10 PM

*May not commit suicide with a guillotine.

** Banned from enchanting the 'Vicious' property onto a guillotine.

Socksy

2015-06-26, 04:40 PM

** Banned from enchanting the 'Vicious' property onto a guillotine.

*** A vorpal guillotine is just silly.
**** Can't take exotic weapon proficiency (guillotine), no matter how many enhancements we stick on it.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-26, 04:58 PM

*** A vorpal guillotine is just silly.
**** Can't take exotic weapon proficiency (guillotine), no matter how many enhancements we stick on it.

***** How does a returning guillotine work?

MrZJunior

2015-06-26, 08:20 PM

*** A vorpal guillotine is just silly.
**** Can't take exotic weapon proficiency (guillotine), no matter how many enhancements we stick on it.

***** Even if it's a flying guillotine.

GPuzzle

2015-06-26, 08:38 PM

*My Bard may not take make a motivational speech about Cheeky Nando's. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyVWJe6qQfQ)
**And he may also not make a motivational speech about tits. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6OUW06c8Gg)
***He also may not imitate Shia LaBeouf while doing so. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6OUW06c8Gg)

Lord Raziere

2015-06-26, 10:39 PM

* When playing a Solar Exalted, I may not convince people to make me their king on the argument that I just convinced them to make me king, or am convincing enough to make them to make me king
** May not try to make an entrance so extravagant and brilliant that people make me their king for performing it without even saying a word.
*** May not convince people to believe all my lies by making the argument that I'm convincing enough to make them want to believe me.
**** May not make a punch so beautiful, that when I punch someone in the face with it, it makes them want to make me king
*****may not call it "King-Making Revelation Punch"

Rater202

2015-06-26, 10:45 PM

*any adventure started with the goal of finding high quality molding clay and ends with one of the PC's being worshiped as the God-King of an Anachronistic Iron Age city shall not be repeated.

Bucky

2015-06-26, 11:37 PM

*"All disputes over the meaning of poorly worded rules are interpreted in her favor" is not a legal superpower.
**May not invoke said superpower to justify its own legality.

*"Lawful Vertical" is not a valid alignment.
**"Chaotic Lawful" is not a valid alignment.
***The correct term is "True Neutral", not "Doesn't Care".

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-27, 04:37 AM

* Cannot carry around egg fried rice.
** Even just to give to the character trying to cook it.
*** No, being Chinese does not give my character +10 to cooking.
**** I thought we already banned the diplomacy bonus.
***** Cannot point out that my character does not know Cantonese cuisine.
****** Cannot talk with my Chinese friend before the game.
******* Or my other Chinese friend.
******** Or my other Chinese friend.
********* Or the German who just happens to be Chinese.

JAL_1138

2015-06-27, 06:14 AM

*May not grill elk meat if I am hosting the game and there's a germophobe in the group.
**May not ruin their life by comparing the elk's living conditions to factory farm cattle, the field-dressing and butchering I did (with an assist from the Mennonite butcher shop a little ways north after I got the quartering done) to slaughterhouse and supermarket meat processing, and then when they've suddenly decided to go vegan, point out how unsanitary industrial-scale vegetable farming and supermarket processing often is and how many food-poisoning cases come from it (and how many roach parts are legally allowed in a can of beans). And then pointing out that there is still the slight chance of contracting a horrible incurable brain disease from deer and elk meat that they were worried about to start with.
***Oh come on, the brain disease has never been detected in game in this part of the country, where it exists it's only present in the brain and spinal fluid which both I and the butcher were extremely cautious about, and besides, I've been eating this stuff for years and it hasn't rutabaga gleeblefrazzit wstgfl flugzeug Smoot-Hawley Tarriff whrlghl dhrrrrrrr blrglflrgh.

Spore

2015-06-28, 07:09 AM

* May not ruin the diplomancers special moment by pulling the trigger on my rifle because "the chieftain's daughter was right there".
** May also not point with my combat rifle capable of killing my friend at her head, just for fun.
*** May not complain after the peace negotiations are through that "we could have killed them off easily".
**** Killing people is not "target practice", even in a fairly hostile dystopian future.

I don't know how you delivered it. But I feel rubbing the worst fears of a fellow gamer and friedn in his face is not a nice thing to do.

Ksheep

2015-06-28, 10:45 AM

* I cannot make my +1 Sword Flaming by setting my character sheet on fire

JAL_1138

2015-06-28, 05:38 PM

I don't know how you delivered it. But I feel rubbing the worst fears of a fellow gamer and friedn in his face is not a nice thing to do.

Nice? No. Funny, including to the person in question, yes. We're not talking "hyperventilates snd washes hands twenty times after touching a handrail" level of germophobia here. Harmless ball-busting, exaggerated here for humor.

Rater202

2015-06-28, 06:14 PM

Nice? No. Funny, including to the person in question, yes. We're not talking "hyperventilates snd washes hands twenty times after touching a handrail" level of germophobia here. Harmless ball-busting, exaggerated here for humor.

One of the signs of true friendship is the ability to sense just how to tease a friend without actually hurting them.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-29, 02:49 AM

* The ladies in the tavern do not care that having two power fists doubles my chance of penetration.

* Cannot have an innocent conversation only using pickup lines.

Rater202

2015-06-29, 03:10 AM

I should not be taking notes in my RPG idea journal while reading Homestuck, mostly blind, for the first time.

Lord Raziere

2015-06-29, 03:18 AM

* Asking an aliens opinion on names made from hot-based puns is not a litmus test to determine whether or not they are an Arcosian.

Wookieetank

2015-06-29, 09:47 AM

***The correct term is "True Neutral", not "Doesn't Care".

****"Whatever" is not an acceptable substitute either.
*****Chaotic Evil may mean that I don't HAVE to apologize, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't.

JAL_1138

2015-06-29, 10:12 AM

*May not utter the phrase "Smoot-Hawley Tariff" while the DM is taking a big swig of beer.
**We're playing D&D, not "how many times can we make the DM spray beer and/or get beer up his nose."
***May not make the DM switch to hard liquor just because none of us is enough of an a--hole to deliberately cause a giggle-fit while someone's drinking whiskey.

One Tin Soldier

2015-06-29, 02:22 PM

I should not be taking notes in my RPG idea journal while reading Homestuck, mostly blind, for the first time.

You know I have to do Homestuck entries now, right?

* When I fail the Strength check to pull the legendary sword from a stone, my first reaction should not be to break it in half.

* My character did not gain elite combat skills from "extreme LARPing."
** No recursion!

* I may no longer claim credit for the entire campaign by retroactively creating our group's arch-nemesis.

* I am now banned from all forms of time travel.

* I may no longer come up with progressively more ludicrous and complicated names for everyday household objects.

* Rap battles are not a legitimate form of combat.

* Alchemy is a noble and refined art, not a way to mass-manufacture thousands of tacky santa statues.
** Or terribly drawn christmas trees.
*** The SORD... is right out.

Rater202

2015-06-29, 02:56 PM

Thank you for the contextless spoilers, by the way.

It's not like I specifically said I was going in mostly blind.

JAL_1138

2015-06-29, 03:05 PM

From Adventurer's League:

*May not aggravate the FR-fanatic, Greyhawk-hating DM by only swearing by the names of Greyhawk gods in an adventure set in the Realms.
**May not prompt the DM to say "oh that is BULLS**T" in the game store despite his Greyhawk hate by informing him that St. Cuthbert has been Lawful Neutral instead of Lawful Good since 3e.
***May not take half an hour to finally reach an agreement with the DM that 1e Greyhawk was fine (even though either of us only played it with 2e rules) and the setting went to heck after From the Ashes, which itself was a somewhat disappointing "gritty reboot" update, and the 2e modules that turned Vecna into an incredibly lame Villain Sue from there on out.
****Generally, may not derail the 5e game arguing over 1e and 2e settings and how they've been borked since TSR got bought out.

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-29, 04:25 PM

* May not sleep with the king.
** May not sleep with the queen.
*** May not incriminate them both for adultery.
**** Wearing the false mustache while doing so will not stop them from recognising me.
***** Cannot marry the remaining monarch to become prince-consort.
****** May no longer end my back story by becoming married to the king.
******* May not write my own back story.

Rater202

2015-06-29, 09:57 PM

*I am preemptively self banned from Having my Majin character turn evil, steal the dragon balls, and with for the ability to travel through time and tear holes between the barriers in dimensions so that she can absorb the strongest warriors and mystics in all timelines of all 12 universes.
**the other 11 Universes are not Bleach, Naruto, One Piece, Kinnikuman, Devil Man, Yu Yu Hakusho, Sailor Moon, , Godzilla, Super Sentai, and Disgaea.
***May not Replace one of the universes with Super Robot Wars
****Consuming, Naruto, Sasuke, Vegito, Super Buu(w/Gohan Absorbed), LSSJ3 Broly, Demon God Dumplin, Super Android 17, Omega Shenron, Ichigo Kurosaki Yusuke Urameshi, The Sailor Senshi, White Beard the Pirate, Devil Man, all three versions of Godzilla, Space Godzilla, Biollante, Overlord Laharl, Supreme Overlord Zenon, Overlord Mao, the reincarnated Overlord Krichevskoy, exactly 9001 fully leveled(including reincarnations) strongest variety best Quality Majin Class Demons, Kinnikuman/King Muscle, and Mantaro/Kid Muscle, in that order, will not let this hypothetical evil version of my Majin Kinniku Buster/Muscle Buster an entire Galaxy to death.
*****Nor would it let her declare herself the Goddess of Destruction for the entire Omniverse.

I absolutely must stop coming up with ways to make my characters incredibly OP.

GPuzzle

2015-06-29, 10:38 PM

*"Who would be Jesus' waifu?" is not a valid question.
**It isn't the solution to the riddle as well.
***Even if it was asked by a horny priest.

Sith_Happens

2015-06-30, 12:41 AM

I don't know how you delivered it. But I feel rubbing the worst fears of a fellow gamer and friedn in his face is not a nice thing to do.

Seriously, protectionist tariffs are no laughing matter.:smalleek:

*"Who would be Jesus' waifu?" is not a valid question.
**It isn't the solution to the riddle as well.
***Even if it was asked by a horny priest.

I have the absolute best punchline for this, but it's a massive spoiler for a particular anime that I have no idea how to label in a way that would not itself be a spoiler.:smallfrown:

Rater202

2015-06-30, 01:00 AM

Well,Like this.

Sith_Happens

2015-06-30, 01:03 AM

Well,Like this.

I mean that indicating what show it's a spoiler for would itself be a huge spoiler.

Rater202

2015-06-30, 01:17 AM

I mean that indicating what show it's a spoiler for would itself be a huge spoiler.

First stage is just "Major Spoilers for a show. Only open if you don't mind potential spoilers for a thing you may or may not be watching"

Second tag has the name of the show.

Third Tag is the actual spoiler.

Sith_Happens

2015-06-30, 02:41 AM

First stage is just "Major Spoilers for a show. Only open if you don't mind potential spoilers for a thing you may or may not be watching"

Second tag has the name of the show.

Third Tag is the actual spoiler.

So... Like this...

*"Who would be Jesus' waifu?" is not a valid question.

** May not answer with "Madoka Kaname," no matter how right I am.

Rater202

2015-06-30, 02:59 AM

Yes.

Though.. Is that the real spoiler? Because I think that's a Darth Vader is Luke's father moment by now.

Sith_Happens

2015-06-30, 03:11 AM

Yes.

Though.. Is that the real spoiler? Because I think that's a Darth Vader is Luke's father moment by now.

From my experience it has not become such.

DigoDragon

2015-06-30, 06:21 AM

From my experience it has not become such.

Unless the anime in question came out 35 years ago and has been watched by millions world-wide, I'm going to agree. :smalltongue:

KnotKnormal

2015-06-30, 06:44 AM

*May no longer write slanderous books about fellow party members.
**May not sell slanderous books about a fellow party member
***My not accept ambiguous favors as payment for these slanderous books about a fellow party member
****Any and all names in the slanderous books must now be changed to protect the guilty.
*****May never play a story teller bard again.
******May never play a character that knows how to read and write again
*******May never play a character with a charisma score above 8 again.

JAL_1138

2015-06-30, 07:11 AM

*May not run the 13x7=28 Abbott & Costello routine as a scam.
**May not run any other Abbott & Costello routines as a scam.
***If captured and pressed for information, may not provide fake names of Thieves' Guild members by reenacting the Who's On First sketch.
****Even if the DM goes along with it.

*Gnomes have not invented a steam-powered Dragon Raid Siren.
**NO GNOMES.
***The guards manning (gnoming?) the anti-aerial weapons do not strap themselves to the weapon emplacements so they can't flee from the dragon's fear effect, with a failsafe that causes the weapon to fire even if they do break and run (consisting of a rope tied from their belt to the weapon's trigger-lever).
****Gno gnomes.
*****Gnot evegn if DMigng them vaguely seriously for ognce.
******Gnomes do gnot precede every signgle use of the letter "n" with the letter "g."

TurboGhast

2015-06-30, 08:55 AM

*** A vorpal guillotine is just silly.
**** Can't take exotic weapon proficiency (guillotine), no matter how many enhancements we stick on it.
Joke continuation
***** Giving your guillotine a "lock on" function does not allow you the ability to OHKO everyone in two turns, regardless of HP.

KnotKnormal

2015-06-30, 09:04 AM

*My barbarian character should not have an inelegance of 18.
**He does not have a PHD in Physics
***His PHD does not give him bonuses to throw stuff
****His official name is not "Chuck the Stuff Thrower"
*****May not launch the dervish character into the enemy mob to start her ridiculous attack string.
******May not call the dynamic duo of the dervish and Barbarian "Team Crowd Control"

*I am no longer allowed to be honest with a town guard who has caught me in the act of doing a crime

*any time we enter a dungeon, I am to be tide up and carried until combat starts.
**My mouth must now also be taped shut
***I am to be tied up immediately after combat
****If there is a room with any switches, levers, or buttons, i am to sit outside.

Spore

2015-06-30, 11:08 AM

*My barbarian character should not have an inelegance of 18.

I love this thread!

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-30, 11:12 AM

* The party should not be tasked with rebuilding the Inquisition in order to deal with demon worshippers.
** They may not receive training in anti magic abilities to help with it.
*** Not everybody expects them.

noob

2015-06-30, 11:24 AM

*I should not make a scenario where the player starts in an utopian city.
**I should not convince that player to sell vegetables and to find back a goat.
***I should not make a pnj convince the player to do a crazy mission for showing how much crazy and evil the people leading this utopia are by making a law forbidding to be evil because that player might like that abusive laws and believe those crusades are a good idea
****when the player did not decided to go against the government because they have horrible concepts because the player believe it is a basic adventure and that he should not research more concepts than hitting evil people maybe I should say him what someone outside of that utopia should believe instead of not speaking to him and hoping he will believe that hitting people because they are evil is a bad idea.
*****Saying that in the temple of this utopian city they give a formation for a prestige class where you receive the title of Fanatic is not going to give the player more clues that the government is making terrible mistakes by the systematic elimination of evil aligned persons.

MKV

2015-06-30, 12:02 PM

*I may not use the princesses from MLP as deities
**same goes for the emotional entities from green lantern

*I may not limit the music options to these (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvH9YoA-7zM) four (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdorDPWJeWk) specific (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrWjb2Dk85M) songs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWzkK7tUjaU)
**I may not use quotes from these songs as lines for demon princes

*Dance-offs and more specifically twerk-offs are entirely forbidden

Hawkstar

2015-06-30, 12:02 PM

* When the DM gives me an OK to create a Warlock with a patron from CoC, he means I can create an eldritch Great Old One Patron warlock with knowledge of things man was not meant to know and worships Azathoth, Cthulhu, Hastur, or Nylarthotep, not a domineering-yet-creepily-submissive-to-his-master green-fire-spewing Fiend Patron warlock loyal to some Jaguar Demon.
* When my lAwful Robot Enforcer of Order and Civilization gets sick of the party "Back to Nature" Elf Ranger giving him **** for torching a 10-year-old orphan that was trying to kill them, may not go into a rant about how said Ranger's deity and high druid would see hundreds upon thousands of children devoured or dead from disease, neglect, starvation, and from horrible maiming, and that his favored faction is in fact a greater threat to the wellbeing of children than the Lich King himself!
** When the inner-city orphan gang leader brings his gang to dismantle my lAwful Enforcer of Civilization Murderbot, may not choose to taunt, threaten, and torment the leader by targeting the youngest and most fragile of his gang first with horrible death by burning, freezing, electrocution, and/or necrotic surges, while trying to intimidate said orphan gang members to turn on their Unlawful Traitor King Of Rags to avoid said burning, freezing, electrocution, and necrotizing horrible deaths.
** My lAwful Enforcer of Civilization Murderbot's idea of Nonlethal force cannot be "You have six seconds to surrender, or be incinerated"

One Tin Soldier

2015-06-30, 12:22 PM

Thank you for the contextless spoilers, by the way.

It's not like I specifically said I was going in mostly blind.

That's why I removed as much context as possible. Homestuck has so much weird s**t in it that you could go on like this for a whole page without even getting into a fraction of it.

I'll refrain from doing any more, though.

* Our campaign is not "Dungeons are the new Dragons"
** It's not like you'll be staying in prison the whole time
*** Ok, it can be the name of the first session, but that's it!

illyahr

2015-06-30, 12:30 PM

Anonymouswizard

2015-06-30, 08:11 PM

* A domestimancer does not have to dress up as a French maid to use magic.
** If the party includes both a computer game mage and a roleplaying game mage we are to reroll to avoid the inevitable arguments.
*** My Unknown Armies character does not wholeheartedly believe he's in a game of Urban Arcana.
**** He cannot be a LARPer whose character is also completely wrong about the game he's in.

GPuzzle

2015-07-01, 11:49 AM

*I cannot play twin Chinese Necromancers.
**Two Wongs do not make a Wight!

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-01, 11:53 AM

*I cannot play twin Chinese Necromancers.
**Two Wongs do not make a Wight!

*** When phoning a Chinese necromancer, I did not Wing the Wong number.
**** They are not annoyed that I Wang.
***** Cannot keep referring to Chinese leaders as General Kitty.

unseenmage

2015-07-01, 01:27 PM

* No longer allowed to exercise my writing skills in PbP games.
** Especially if I am a player and not the DM.
*** Extra especially if I'm actually exorcising.
**** Absolutely so if the subject matter is Twilight fanfic.

razorfloss

2015-07-01, 02:21 PM

illyahr

2015-07-01, 03:45 PM

ok where is this from it is really familiar but i cant place it

CoC is also the abbreviation for a specific, very descriptive, text-based web game that includes a gratuitous amount of content not suitable for children under the age of 18 (or 21, depending on where you live).

Mandark

2015-07-01, 04:20 PM

Originally Posted by Hawkstar
* When the DM gives me an OK to create a Warlock with a patron from CoC, he means I can create an eldritch Great Old One Patron warlock with knowledge of things man was not meant to know and worships Azathoth, Cthulhu, Hastur, or Nylarthotep, not a domineering-yet-creepily-submissive-to-his-master green-fire-spewing Fiend Patron warlock loyal to some Jaguar Demon.

ok where is this from it is really familiar but i cant place it

My guess would be the dreamworks movie "The road to El Dorado"

Ksheep

2015-07-01, 07:34 PM

* My barbarian may not put his harpoon through the Wash…

Too soon… Far too soon…

Rater202

2015-07-02, 11:19 PM

I may not, under any circumstance, create a gestalt Fighter 20 awakened skeleton MC1/revived fossil MC1/Evolved Undead 18 PC again.

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-04, 04:25 AM

* May not attempt abuse of the action economy.
** Especially in Mutants and Masterminds.
*** This goes double if my interpretation of the action rules differ from the GM's.
**** Cannot get into an argument about whether or not I can fly away because I decided to use my move action after my standard action.
***** Cannot go away, read the rulebook, and come back to the table proving my belief was correct.
****** Especially if the only reason this was brought up is because I know that 1e and 2e were d20 games.
******* May not point out that his argument of 'they changed it because it was simpler this way' applies mainly to the loss of swift, immediate, and similar actions, and it really isn't all that complex to choose between moving before and after your action.

Yes, I got into this argument. Unfortunately the GM left the group due to unrelated matters before I could bring up the official wording. I think he just wanted to make Move-by-Action more useful (you could move half your move before and half after if you wanted, otherwise he declared your entire move happened first). Other than this and a slight railroad problem (but it was his first time and his stories were fun) he was great for a first time GM. Very different style from me, coming with lots of notes on his computer (whereas I might have a sheet of generic NPCs, session villains, and spare character sheets).

DigoDragon

2015-07-04, 07:55 AM

* I am no longer allowed to use Evasion to dodge a nuclear explosion. Even if it's considered an 'area effect'.

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-04, 08:04 AM

* I am no longer allowed to use Evasion to dodge a nuclear explosion. Even if it's considered an 'area effect'.

** The same applies to a supernova.
*** The answer for where I'm standing is not 'Final Fantasy VII'.

Rater202

2015-07-04, 03:12 PM

*Green Sun Princes have nothing to do with Homestuck.

Lord Raziere

2015-07-04, 03:19 PM

** Even if Karkat makes the perfect Malfean Slayer and seems to have the Crowned With Fury charm

Rater202

2015-07-04, 03:28 PM

** Even if Karkat makes the perfect Malfean Slayer and seems to have the Crowned With Fury charm

***How well can he dance?

Lord Raziere

2015-07-04, 04:52 PM

**** Cannot link to something on deviantart to point out that he can dance very well thank you (http://foreveranotaku.deviantart.com/art/Karkat-dance-256836123)

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-04, 05:05 PM

**** Cannot link to something on deviantart to point out that he can dance very well thank you (http://foreveranotaku.deviantart.com/art/Karkat-dance-256836123)

* I cannot dance like Commander Sheppard.

Lord Raziere

2015-07-04, 05:42 PM

** may not have an idea for Karkat Sheppard fic....

Rater202

2015-07-04, 05:58 PM

*In a hypothetical Homestuck Roleplay where we play as ourselves starting a sburb session because it's our only chance of survival since other people did it anyway, and we know everything real us knows, I can not simultaneously buff myself and debuff the enemies by prototyping the kernelsprite with myself seconds before entering the medium.

squab

2015-07-05, 03:11 AM

*May not play gender-bending shapeshifters
**and discuss hypothetical pregnancy situations involving myself and other PCs
***discussions that end with me hypothetically becoming a mother and a father at approximately the same time
****sleeping with a party member at character creation for the Faerie Mysteries Initiate feat is somehow allowed tho

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-05, 03:52 AM

* May not use erotic art in combat.
** May not have erotic art as my sole 'combat' skill.
*** The same applies to escape artist.
**** Unless I exalt I cannot use my poetry skill in mid combat.

* Cannot infect the party with a virus that grants superpowers in the first session.
** Their initial powers aren't decided by drawing cards from a hat.

JAL_1138

2015-07-05, 09:47 AM

*May not load a catapult with 50 pounds of caltrops to create an antipersonnel weapon.

DigoDragon

2015-07-05, 10:01 AM

*May not load a catapult with 50 pounds of caltrops to create an antipersonnel weapon.

Oww! Now that's just mean. :smallbiggrin:

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-05, 10:32 AM

*May not load a catapult with 50 pounds of caltrops to create an antipersonnel weapon.

** d4s as well.

JAL_1138

2015-07-05, 11:17 PM

** d4s as well.

***Same thing.

Tangent: ever seen the d4s from White Box and Holmes Basic? Each side is a full inch, the edges are sharp, and the points aren't truncated. Stepping on one of those would probably require stitches--and there's a slim chance the brittle plastic would probably break off, lodging the point in the wound and causing further injury from the jagged break-point left on the base.

Rater202

2015-07-05, 11:23 PM

Sith_Happens

2015-07-06, 02:17 AM

* If I decide to randomly give two of the PCs Warp Touch, I shouldn't be surprised when one of them rolls "Gains a petrifying gaze, as that of a medusa."

Inevitability

2015-07-06, 10:51 AM

*Allowing the problem player to be a changeling was, in hindsight, a terrible idea.

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-06, 11:05 AM

* If I spend more time deciding the optional rules to be used in the next game rather than the plot of the current game, I am no longer allowed within 100ft of GURPS.
** Someone else will run MechWarrior or something while I recover enough to finish this GURPS campaign.

JAL_1138

2015-07-06, 01:08 PM

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-06, 01:25 PM

*May not abuse a forgery kit, the Charlatan background, and Bluff expertise to fully equip the entire party with weapons, armor, misc. adventuring gear, horses, barding for the horses, a wagon, and three healing potions each for free.

...why not, a few healing potions won't make a giant difference, and the rest is just an adventure away as long as they aren't magical. This is the sort of thing I'd wish players would try, normally they resort to just storming the armoury, stables, apothecary, alehouse, and occasionally the tailors and treasury if they feel particularly brave. The only roguish thing I've ever seen done is stealth (and no matter what the players say, 'sneak attack' is just good sense).

* Cannot hack a mechanical lock with my smartphone.
** Even if it's WiFi enabled (Glass Walker gift).
*** The same applies to guns.
**** Cannot use control simple machine to cause bullets to explode.
***** No more Glass Walkers.
****** No more Kinfolk.
******* No more professionals.
******** If my character can move, it's probably banned.
********* No more buttered scones.

unseenmage

2015-07-06, 01:27 PM

*Not allowed to use my mount's obscene carrying capacity to solve the encounter.
** Even if the robots were perfectly helpful.
*** And tied themselves up.
**** And lashed themselves to the mount.
***** Even if my Cha penalized character did make that bluff check in spades.
****** Even if the barbarian didn't get to swing their weapon once.

(We had one wide room with two exits at either end. The robots could fix the problem but their programming didn't allow them to go through the room as long as it was "infested." If the repairs got made the "infestation" would be neutralized.
Rather than fight I talked the robot into tying itself up and lashing itself to the mount. Then opened the door and took the bot to the other side in a single run action. Dropped off bot, ran from "infestation" for two rounds, then encounter over. Repairs complete.)

JAL_1138

2015-07-06, 03:58 PM

...why not, a few healing potions won't make a giant difference, and the rest is just an adventure away as long as they aren't magical. This is the sort of thing I'd wish players would try, normally they resort to just storming the armoury, stables, apothecary, alehouse, and occasionally the tailors and treasury if they feel particularly brave. The only roguish thing I've ever seen done is stealth (and no matter what the players say, 'sneak attack' is just good sense).

It came out to around 5000 GP worth of gear, give or take a hundred, at a time the party was getting a couple hundred per person per adventure.

Hawkstar

2015-07-06, 05:08 PM

It came out to around 5000 GP worth of gear, give or take a hundred, at a time the party was getting a couple hundred per person per adventure.And yet, this is D&D As Designed (especially any version that isn't 3 or 4e)

GPuzzle

2015-07-06, 05:15 PM

* Filling the cannon of a navy frigate with custard pie is not a shock-and-awe measure.

* May not drop a gigantic Mars bar from space.
** Even if it does more damage than an atomic bomb.

* If the entire scenery looks like it's something from Thunderbirds, run.
** If you guys go to the toilet, they won't be Thunderturds.

JAL_1138

2015-07-06, 05:37 PM

And yet, this is D&D As Designed (especially any version that isn't 3 or 4e)

As designed? Not sure I follow. Was 5e, but I pulled the same trick (without the benefit of Expertise, mechanical backstory effects, or specific tool bonuses like the Forgery Kit) in 2e as well. Sadly, we weren't using the optional 1xp-per-1gp rule.

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-06, 06:13 PM

* May not drop a gigantic Mars bar from space.
** Even if it does more damage than an atomic bomb.

*** The same goes for a giant Double Decker.
**** May not debate the yields of chocolate bars.
***** Especially if I have the only one at the table. I may not eat it. Even if it is a crunchie.

JAL_1138

2015-07-06, 07:26 PM

*My Shadowrun character can't have gotten Deltaware cyberlimbs and augmented reflexes for the sole purpose of playing Les Paul & Mary Ford songs without multi-tracking.
**At some point I'm going to have to reference music that isn't older than most of the players' parents if we're supposed to be in the future.
***Digital instruments are not against my religion.
****Solid-state amplification is not against my religion.
*****May not demand payment in 6V6, 6L6, EL34, EL84, or 12AX7 vacuum-tubes.

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-07, 05:03 AM

* Johnny Cash is not a deity of music.
** His followers do not speak their worship songs.

illyahr

2015-07-07, 08:28 AM

* I cannot dance like Commander Sheppard.

**Unless you can tango like Commander Shepard.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LweFeWoRoOA

JAL_1138

2015-07-07, 08:38 AM

* Johnny Cash is not a deity of music.
Blasphemer! Heretic! :smalltongue:

** His followers do not speak their worship songs.
Well, depends on the tune in question. :smalltongue:

*When I choose the Personality Trait from the Acolyte background that reads "I idolize a particular hero of my faith, and constantly refer to that person's deeds and example," the person in question may not be "St. Fred of the Cardigan, patron saint of kindness, community, and children."

Rater202

2015-07-07, 09:33 AM

*When I choose the Personality Trait from the Acolyte background that reads "I idolize a particular hero of my faith, and constantly refer to that person's deeds and example," the person in question may not be "St. Fred of the Cardigan, patron saint of kindness, community, and children."

Says who? He's like, the perfect person to try and emulate.

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-07, 09:44 AM

* If I say a zombie game is based on Resident evil, the players are expecting the movies, not the games.
** The zombies cannot take 10 bullets each before going down.
*** The entire party should not die 10 minutes after character creation. Twice.
**** I may not leave out the weakness to headshots.
***** Seriously, the players want some plot.

* May not post this in the wrong thread due to my phone.

JAL_1138

2015-07-07, 11:04 AM

Says who? He's like, the perfect person to try and emulate.

Because the answer to "What would Mister Rogers do?" is never going to be "Hit the bandit on the head with a mace until he dies."

*I was not a highwayman.
**The bastards did not hang me in the spring of '25.
***I was not a sailor.
****When the yards broke off they did not say that I got killed.
*****I was not a dam-builder across the river deep and wide.
******I did not slip and fall into the wet concrete below.
*******I do not fly a starship across th--wait, this is a Spelljammer campaign and we need a helmsman.

Wookieetank

2015-07-07, 12:17 PM

Because the answer to "What would Mister Rogers do?" is never going to be "Hit the bandit on the head with a mace until he dies."

*Swords however are acceptable, see:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WgT9gy4zQA

razorfloss

2015-07-07, 02:09 PM

*Swords however are acceptable, see:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WgT9gy4zQA
wow i haven't seen this in years

DigoDragon

2015-07-07, 02:31 PM

* I am no longer allowed to travel down memory lane without seat belts.

Taet

2015-07-07, 04:09 PM

JAL_1138

2015-07-07, 04:52 PM

*My Hermit-background character is not from the land of Sevorbeupstry.
**His Discovery is most certainly not the message "We apologize for the inconvenience."

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-07, 06:07 PM

* 'What Would GiantITP Do?' (WWGITPD) can no longer be my motto.

GPuzzle

2015-07-07, 06:09 PM

*Sending the Alien Death Fleet a message of "We're sorry to announce that Earth is only open from 9-to-5 at weekdays, please come back at a later time. Your call is very important to us." was not the best idea we've had.

*Extreme Cricket is banned forever.

*The McKenzie isn't a dance banned in 14 states.

*Rule #0 is "the last word is always the DM's", not "anything can be an innuendo given at max four lines of dialogue after that."

JAL_1138

2015-07-07, 07:08 PM

*Extreme Cricket is banned forever.

**Brockian Ultra Cricket is right out.

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-07, 09:26 PM

**Brockian Ultra Cricket is right out.

*** Why am I building a six mile wall around the Stadium?
**** Cannot kidnap a bunch of athletes and lock them in a walled stadium with lots of sports equipment and megaphones.
***** Not to be surprised when the pole vaulters escape.

* 'If you are back on the field within five minutes it does not count as a substitution' applies to rugby, not massed battle.

JAL_1138

2015-07-07, 09:31 PM

*** Why am I building a six mile wall around the Stadium?

So none of the spectators can see what's happening, of course. Missing the greatest game ever played is more life-affirming than seeing a mediocre one.

One Tin Soldier

2015-07-07, 10:40 PM

*Allowing the problem player to be a changeling was, in hindsight, a terrible idea.

*May not point out that practically every system with something called a "changeling" refers to something different.
** May not point out that all of them are abusable, one way or another.
*** May not enquire about the system to ascertain exactly which type of bad it was.

* I may no longer turn the Lord of Blades into just the Lord Of
** Stupid g******* Mountain Hammer

squab

2015-07-08, 02:11 AM

*The Prince should not encourage the Bard to play classic spin the bottle instead of her no kissing varient when lall of the PCs are 12, there are only three boys, half the party is related to the NPCS in the game, the entire party are in relationships, only two party members have thier girl/boyfriend there(due to dating each other), one of the boys is gay, and one of the girls is a lesbian.
**Doubly so as the Technomancer comes from a culture that places a high value on love and romance, and thus such a game would be blasphomous if his culture had a religion.
***Also, the PCs are like, 12, seriously.
****And their parents are all right there.

Okay so I -think- all of this happened in game but it half sounds like a bunch of 12 year olds playing D&D with their parents in the house and someone trying to turn D&D into spin the bottle using the excuse that "it's roleplaying" or something.

Also, wait, all the PCs are 12 and in relationships? WTF?

Rater202

2015-07-08, 04:09 AM

Okay so I -think- all of this happened in game but it half sounds like a bunch of 12 year olds playing D&D with their parents in the house and someone trying to turn D&D into spin the bottle using the excuse that "it's roleplaying" or something.

Also, wait, all the PCs are 12 and in relationships? WTF?

Yes. This is a thing that happened.

On this very Forum.

but it's Not D&D.

I will now Direct you to other instances if this RP being mentioned on this forum.
***If my character is ten years old and has powers that run on love, the fact that every gadget he's built is some for of weapon should probably be brought up with his therapist.
****Just because my character has PTSD is no excuse for him to be a jerk
*****I don't care if he is temporally displaced by over a thousand years, improvements in food technology aren't big enough to justify a state of euphoria, and even if they were, a burger isn't what would cause it.

Note: Punching a dragon sometimes results in the loss of limbs.

From actual play here on this forum.

For you or the dragon?:smalltongue:

remember when I posted about the 10 year old character with the ability to use his love and happiness as a force field? The one who keeps building projectile weapons and really needs to bring that up with his therapist?

He now has a prosthetic leg(Albeit a very cool magic one)

Draw thine own conclusions

*Not allowed to threaten to kill an NPC hen the only weapon I have is a gun that shoots waterbaloons.
**Even if he did kidnap one of my best friends.
***Again, your continued construction of projectile weapons should be brought up with your therapist
****God Damn it man, he's like eleven years old! He shouldn't be building guns in his basement.

***** Not allowed to counter hostilities by taking the BBEG's side.
****** Especially not when I explain that the jerk has a point.
******* And that I'm the 'heart' of the team. :smallbiggrin:

*******No allowed to counter the hearts argument by pointing out that the BBEG led a bunch of school children into a death trap on purpose, is a hypocrite, and is sealing out three settlements of his species to protect some so called "Balance" that wil supsedly prevent the same problems he's causing.
********When his points are easily disproven and he literally kicked a crippled child into a wall, taking out more than half of said child's hitponts in one attack, one is not to expect him to understand that he's the badguy.

* No longer allowed to apply hero logic to a villain.
** The bard is no longer allowed to nickname the villain.
*** And there is no such thing as Hive JimmyHoffa.
* No longer allowed to write a letter to the princess explaining how taking a cannonball to the head leads to a greater understanding in friendships.
** Also no longer allowed to take cannonballs to the head.

***Not aloud to joke about being injured.
****If you do so anyway, you will be curtly informed about this lack of humor.
*****It's not hypocritical when the character correcting you has previously joked about bleeding out while bing charried by your PC.

*Not allowed to rip off the Monkey Island series for adventure Ideas.
**If I do, I should at least change the names.
***Changing "Le Chuck" to "Le Buck" does not count as changing the name.
I'm not allowed to threaten forth graders with non-lethal confetti cannons

*My 11 year old Pc can not insist, despite all contrary evidence, that princess Luna was in a coma for a thousand years and that the nightmare moon thing was a story they made up as an excuse to have a holiday in the autum.
**Not even if his psyche is fragile and could be broken by proof that someone good could become evil, even temporarily.

* The bard is never allowed to suggest striping down in order to avoid a magical cosplaying curse.

**Even though it's a MLP game, and thus we don't normally wear clothes

**The bard is also not to harbor the former big bad who abducted one PC messed with the heads of three others(including the bard) and beet the fifth within an inch of his life.
***Doing so will certainly break the heart of the gadgeteer, who loves the bard and looks up to her the way would an elder sister.

Ha! That really did.

**** Assuming handing out chocolates would fix the heart issue is not allowed.
***** Really, the bard just needs to stop coming up with ideas on how to 'fix' problems.

*If the GM sneaks in a blatant Monty Python reference, I'm not to make it a reference in character.
**If I complained about it, I may not later reference the same scene.
***I may not just randomly ask if people know that the average terminal air speed of an unladen European swallow is about 20 miles per hour.

* I am banned from inviting the former BBEG to go along with the party for Trick or Treats.
** Especially if this is the kind of BBEG that used to beat up and mind rape children.
*** The former BBEG is also hereby banned from giving me a carte blanche to choose his Trick or Treats costume.
**** Even if the frills and lace made for the perfect disguise.

*****Didn't we already cover this a few pages ago?
******Also, the kid who was beat up really isn't angry about that, he provoked the BBEG on purpose.

*If the two most numerous species in the setting are Placental amamls and egglaying insects, and one of the friends of the PC's is a golem designed to incubate the eggs of the egg laying insects, If my PC explains that mamals don't lay eggs, he is too expect beiing made to give a full explanation of how the placenta and uterus work.
**The cast that he's 11 is not an excuse.
***How does he even know about that, he hasn't taken a health class to cover that.
****Okay, those biology and anatomy books he's been studying because he want's to design prosthesis might explain that...
*****What do you mean he's know where babies really come from since he was five?

*Just because my 11 year old engineering prodigy is now being paid by the Crown to build guns in his basement does not mean it's not something he should maybe bring up with his therapist.

*May not tease the changeling and dragon about their relationship.
**even though its just friendly teasing and my PC is happy for them.
***Even if the dragon did walk into that last one.

* No longer allowed to create a learning golem intelligence, because several hundred years down the road when the empire ceased to exist some kids are going to find it, befriend it, and then have a really heated argument over how best to address a queen (with options ranging between your majesty to idiot) and they'll just use them all which is going to completely ruin their credibility and friendship with one another.

**Nor am I alowed to be really pissed off when an alchemist wants to dismantle and kill my obviously sapient golem friend just becuase they can learn from him and he has little use.
***Totally not allowed to accidentally threaten him with a harmless Net-Gun that wasn't even aimed at him.

*When describing the above mentioned scnario to my therapist, and discussing the possibility that I have anger issues, that is the perfect time to mention that I, the 11 year old engineering prodigy, am building guns in my basement.
**Celestia damn it why do I keep not mentioning that?!

Sleeping gas and an air conditioner is not a kosher method of causing a Total Party Knockout.

*When one of my friends has been kidnapped by a spirit of Chaos and Disharmony that's trapped in a board game, may not threaten said Spirit by threatening to contact the Immortal God Princesses that rule the country we live in.
**When one of the other players mentions OOC that his character will be a perverted artist when older, I may not joking say, in character as a similarly aged up PC, that if she spies on my PC while his boyfriend is sleeping over again he'll stuff her in a net and leave her there.
***When the other player doesn't seem to get what I was implying, I definitely should feel dirty.

*I'm apparently not allowed to have my psychologically fragile child act like a psychologically fragile child.
**Especially not when he's terrified.
***Apparently being yelled at and his best friend punching him was supposed to make the situation better instead of worse.

**** At no point would an uppercut restore mental health.
***** Nor would a hay-maker.
****** Haha... I'm banned from making that joke ever again.

*******That joke makes no sense without context.

****When my PC is trying to set up a situation in which we can easily gt the Big Bad to willingly take the stick of concentrated weakness, your PC is not allowed to get herself into a situation where she can be killed by said big bad.
*****Especially since my PC sees her as a Sister and has issues related to the loss of loved ones.
******Haven't we already gone over how this is the kind of thing that could turn him into a batman villain?

*An 11 year old pony threatening to rip out his enemy's entrails and strangle her with them is quite disturbing.
Ponies in Equestria age at about the same rate as humans do.

Except the alicorns, who seem to be eternally youthful-Celestia hasn't aged a day in a thousand years.

He's a middle schooler. He's barely started horse-puberty yet.

*Is it weird that the eleven year old colts that are dating have (innocently) shared a bed more than once?
**His Coltfriend is not allowed to help him build guns in the basement.

*** I may not make any 'handling his weapon' jokes.
**** What is the age of consent in Equestria anyway?
***** Equestria does not have separate ages of consent for touching, hoofshakes, hugs, kisses, and other stuff.

*may not derail the episode for an in character conversation about babies and baby proofing and nesting.

http://img.pandawhale.com/41622-Grumpy-cat-good-uUqS.jpeg

Hm, let me consult the reigning God-Empresses of Technically Ambiguous Yet Totally Obvious Relationships:

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/fate-nanoha-vivio.jpg

"Nope, not weird at all."

"Matter of fact, that's two years older than when we first met."

THE GOD-EMPRESSES HAVE SPOKEN.

Civ Gandhi approves.:smallwink:

*Who said anything about it being ambiguous?
**They're one of the game's official couples, after all
***As in, they made out in the crows nest of a pirate ship.
****and they've slept in the same bed more than once.
*****The first time the same day they hooked up.
******Is that weird?

*No longer allowed to have my PC's meet their love interests in the locker room after Gym Class.
**Not allowed to question why their are separate locker rooms despite the fact that nopony even wears cloths to begin with.

******* I may not give Rater202's PC (is that right?) and his coltfriend the talk.
******** Especially because it'll be coming from a stranger.

*** May not use polymorph to justify locker rooms.

*********May not point out that it's not my colt friend, but my PC's, and that said PC is named Gear.
**********May not then point out that Gear got the talk already.

*** Banned from throwing Breezies against the PCs if they can be described as "Nac Mac Feegles that are cannibals."
**** And water benders.

*****May not do this while ripping off Monkey Island.

*********** Must apologise, thanks for the heads up, I'll edit the post :smallsmile:

That's nowhere near all of them.

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-08, 06:37 AM

* The following themes are not suitable for the BBEG's powers:
-My Little Pony
-Care Bears
-Carnival Phantasm
-Things I May No Longer Do While Playing
-Brian Blessed
-William Shatner
-Mary Sue
-Teenage Girl

DigoDragon

2015-07-08, 06:48 AM

*May not point out that practically every system with something called a "changeling" refers to something different.
** May not point out that all of them are abusable, one way or another.
*** May not enquire about the system to ascertain exactly which type of bad it was.

**** Not allowed to ask if the various system concepts are... interchangelingable. :smallbiggrin:

* The following themes are not suitable for the BBEG's powers:
-My Little Pony
-Carnival Phantasm
-Things I May No Longer Do While Playing
-William Shatner
-Mary Sue
-Teenage Girl

Wow, I've done all but two on that list. :smallredface:

JAL_1138

2015-07-08, 07:13 AM

BRIAN BLESSED~! is practically a requirement for a hammy villain.

Spore

2015-07-08, 07:27 AM

* The following themes are not suitable for the BBEG's powers:
-Care Bears

Have you even SEEN the villains in the series or movies? They're ripped straight from D&D monster manuals.

Darkheart is an evil shapeshifting red dragon (probably adult or older) that resents humans (and their emotions).
Another one is a sorceress that has been imprisoned in a book basically making it the necronomicon of the Care Bears universe.

http://www.dvdtalk.com/reviews/images/reviews/190/1175271098_1.jpg

And the most recurring villain is No-Heart which is basically a high level wizard specialised in transmutation
while Professor Coldheart is just an ice themed scientist (even Mr Freeze is no match for inventiveness).

Sadly the cartoon focusses too much on the bumbling henchmen Beastly and Shreeky that screw up EVERY. SINGLE. PLAN. Seriously just banish those fools and do it yourself.

JAL_1138

2015-07-08, 09:38 AM

*Mass Effect and Spelljammer shall never meet.

illyahr

2015-07-08, 10:09 AM

*Mass Effect and Spelljammer shall never meet.

**The idea of Reapers with 9th-level casting is absolutely terrifying.

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-08, 10:34 AM

**The idea of Reapers with 9th-level casting is absolutely terrifying.

*** The solution is not to breed a version of the Giant Space Hamster with innate spellcasting and intelligence, and send them to fight the Reapers.
**** Step away from the Gnomes.

* Cannot run a system more smoothly than the previous GM.
** Especially if the system is as opposed to smooth as you can get, and I'm using four times the house rules.

Bucky

2015-07-08, 11:03 AM

*I may not roll more than 100 damage dice for a single attack.
**Rolling my 10d4 damage separately for each target? Okay.
***May not redirect all the damage to the same target, if there are more than 10 targets.

JAL_1138

2015-07-08, 04:00 PM

*** The solution is not to breed a version of the Giant Space Hamster with innate spellcasting and intelligence, and send them to fight the Reapers.
**** Step away from the Gnomes.

This sort of thing is why I am no longer allowed to either play a gnome or include them in any capacity in any game I DM.

squab

2015-07-08, 04:04 PM

Yes. This is a thing that happened.

On this very Forum.

but it's Not D&D.

* The following themes are not suitable for the BBEG's powers:
-My Little Pony
-Care Bears
-Carnival Phantasm
-Things I May No Longer Do While Playing
-Brian Blessed
-William Shatner
-Mary Sue
-Teenage Girl

*You may not play any sort of role-playing game in any conceivable way inspired by MLP.
**You may not role-play characters that are both under the age of 18 and in a relationship
***Especially if that relationship is physically intimate

Did I just completely destroy the campaign? Good.

Rater202

2015-07-08, 04:38 PM

*You may not play any sort of role-playing game in any conceivable way inspired by MLP.
**You may not role-play characters that are both under the age of 18 and in a relationship
***Especially if that relationship is physically intimate

Did I just completely destroy the campaign? Good.

The characters are not physically intimate.

The most they do is cuddle.

Didn't I cover that in the thing?

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-08, 05:09 PM

* may not run Resident Equestria.
** cannot hypothosise ways the T-virus might affect unicorns and pegasuses (pegasodes?).

* to think of it, I may not run zombie games anymore. They always end up mpre survival horror than hack and slash.
** the players would like headshots to be slightly easier please. May not justify a modifier of -5 or more to land a headshot on a moving zombie.
*** cannot expect the players to investigate: zombie weaknesses, the cause, a way out of town, or anything beyond guns, ammo and food.

I plicked up Resident Evil: Code Veronica X the other day and have come to love how strong the zombies are compared to those I'm used to, I can't land headshots with the handgun at all, and have to use six bullets per zombie. It's refreshing.

JAL_1138

2015-07-08, 06:10 PM

Rater202

2015-07-08, 06:33 PM

*May not base a character, campaign, enemy, or backstory on The Adventures of Dumplin.

elonin

2015-07-08, 07:37 PM

I'm guessing someone has said these already but,:

I'm not allowed to make trade partner out of the drow that we were paid to take care of (person wanted them gone we just made them not an issue)

I'm not allowed to set a vendors shop on fire for refusing to haggle

I'm not allowed to refer to myself as an underpants gnome

Ksheep

2015-07-08, 09:16 PM

* The BBEG may not be based on Discord
** Discord cannot insist that everything follows the rules to the letter
*** Especially if he broke the fourth wall to obtain a PHB
**** Following the rules does not mean everything follows RAW
***** Even if Discord has the power to rewrite reality to actually follow RAW
****** The Hospital of St Discord is not centered around drown-healing

JAL_1138

2015-07-08, 09:29 PM

*May not refuse to fast-forward overland travel even if realistically (in-universe too) and by the overland travel rules (and wandering monster tables), getting to the location would've been more difficult than anything the players would find there.

squab

2015-07-08, 11:56 PM

The characters are not physically intimate.

The most they do is cuddle.

Didn't I cover that in the thing?

Technically cuddling is both physical and intimate.

Tbh I really couldn't tell, especially with the whole "plenty of conventions that only make sense when people wear clothes despite no one wearing clothes" thing going on.

Rater202

2015-07-09, 12:26 AM

Technically cuddling is both physical and intimate.

Tbh I really couldn't tell, especially with the whole "plenty of conventions that only make sense when people wear clothes despite no one wearing clothes" thing going on.
Okay, it seems like a couple of my posts got dropped from the Quote's collection, somehow.

This one fixes it up.

M'just asking, is it weird that they've repeatedly shared a bed and started doing so the day they hooked up.(just sleeping. and cuddles. they're too young for anything else, ya perverts.)

*Not allowed to call hypothetical people perverts.
**May not assume people reading this post will automatically assume "shared a bed" means something dirty.

They're like, 11-12. Kids around that age hook up sometimes, but they're not doing anything.

Their relationship is well within age appropriate parameters.

Unless you count a third character making a joke about stripper cake, but that never went anywhere, obviously.

goto124

2015-07-09, 12:35 AM

They're like, 11-12. Kids around that age hook up sometimes, but they're not doing anything.

Their relationship is well within age appropriate parameters.

Erm... it might differ from country to country? More like culture to culture?

DigoDragon

2015-07-09, 06:52 AM

* I am banned from using explosives against opponents before looting their bodies.
** I'm also no longer allowed to use explosives during the looting process.
*** Forbidden from using explosives during an argument over when it's appropriate to use explosives.

****** The Hospital of St Discord is not centered around drown-healing

"Want me to pummel him back to health?" -Black Belt

11-12

I've lobbied for age progression due to this very line of questioning. :3

JAL_1138

2015-07-09, 08:09 AM

*Not allowed to purchase a halberd IRL for the sole purpose of demonstrating (safely on an inanimate target) why I should be allowed to do piercing as well as slashing damage with it.
**Does no one else even care that the 5e weapons table is completely nonsensical?

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-09, 08:25 AM

ThESE are ponies! Surely they should be adults by now! Or at least living on their own.

DigoDragon

2015-07-09, 08:55 AM

ThESE are ponies! Surely they should be adults by now! Or at least living on their own.

Well, they're Ponies with human-equivalent intelligence and technology comparable to the early 20th century. And then there's the presence of magic in their world. The debate on whether they age like humans or like ponies from Earth is one that has yet to be resolved (I personally go with a human age progression to keep it relate-able).

cavalieredraghi

2015-07-09, 10:04 AM

I've lobbied for age progression due to this very line of questioning. :3

I was with him in lobbying this. Also I run one of these characters in Question.

goto124

2015-07-09, 10:24 AM

Rater202

2015-07-09, 01:15 PM

We've discussed Time Skipping them to either High School or complete adulthood after this season.

We haven't decided which yet, though I'd prefer Highschool, since it works better for one of my episode ideas.

JAL_1138

2015-07-09, 01:53 PM

*May not keep an economy-sized bottle of advil in my dice bag because "with this group I'm gonna need it."

*May not challenge the DM's opinion on a shotgun's effective range by setting up a skeet-thrower and a hay-bale with a paper target on it and then demonstrating.

*May not tell the DM the green curry at the local Thai place "isn't that hot," even if I don't think it is.

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-09, 04:47 PM

* May not encourage the engineer's player to reduce HP and invest the points in baseline competency.
** Especially if her reasoning of 'I can always rely on the other party members for stealth/talking/melee combat/buying stuff/knowing anything' isn't actually accurate for this game (decent amount of time where the part will be in two or three groups).
*** Even if I'm only asking for a social skill and an athletics skill.

Seriously, the other player is point starved but managed to build a competent military doctor, and she refuses to put a point in diplomacy.

There was also a discussion about how it's set in a jungle/savanna region, which leads me to:

* May not ban people from playing Caucasians.

This was resolved by the player choosing a 'light skinned' northerner (about a mid olive). The player just didn't know what olive was, they were fine after a quick image search. Another player will complain when he discovers though, because he refuses to admit his racism (admittedly insignificant unless you have a different view of attractive).

* May not ban players from playing their usual characters.
** Even if every party including a bruiser and 'snooty sneaky guy' has got old.

The next GM after me had the exact same idea though :smallbiggrin:

JAL_1138

2015-07-10, 01:10 PM

*May not derail a CoC campaign set in a nearby city in the present day by pointing out that there's a gun show that weekend and there's always people there selling things like Dragon's Breath shotgun rounds (which are not really that useful except to set things on fire), bump-fire AR-15 stocks (poor-man's entirely legal pseudo-machine-gun conversion), virtually every civilian-legal firearm known to man, bulk ammunition, bullet-resistant vests, and copies of the Anarchist's Cookbook. Oh, it's useless against the monsters, but the cultists are f#$%ed.

Anonymouswizard

2015-07-10, 01:17 PM

JAL_1138

2015-07-10, 01:35 PM

** May no longer run CoC in the UK, just to avoid players from owning firearms. (They immediately started insisting that a bartender in the middle of London would own a shotgun, of course.)

The actual derailing was just the (in-game, NOT real-world) shopping spree we went on and the decision to go in guns blazing instead of chuck a bunch of kerosene molotovs at the cultist hideout and burn them all that way. Guns in CoC are the equivalent of a night-light. They just make you feel better, but they don't accomplish much.

Really large amounts of dynamite (such as what can be filched from a coal-mine site) can have some application, but really, the eldritch horror from strange dimensions with alien geometries doesn't give a crap about 30 rounds of 5.56 NATO to the...er...writhing mass of tentacles with mouths and eyes on them.