Things I May No Longer Do while Playing VIII: Why is the PLOT on fire?

[Anonymouswizard]

The actual derailing was just the shopping spree we went on and the decision to go in guns blazing instead of chuck a bunch of kerosene molotovs at the cultist hideout and burn them all that way. Guns in CoC are the equivalent of a night-light. They just make you feel better, but they don't accomplish much.

Really large amounts of dynamite (such as what can be filched from a coal-mine site) can have some application, but really, the eldritch horror from strange dimensions with alien geometries doesn't give a crap about 30 rounds of 5.56 NATO to the...er...writhing mass of tentacles with mouths and eyes on them.

Yes, but I was running a zombie outbreak scenario and they were convinced that if they had guns the zombies would die to headshots (spoiler: in the end I let them have guns due to them making CoC zombies harder to take down). They first wasted 15 minutes at character creation trying to justify one of them working at a shooting range, then 30 minutes trying to get a car, 5 minutes getting everybody to a pub while he went off and got enough guns and ammo for everybody, then the guys in the pub (owned by the barman of the group) fought the vampire (one of the reasons for the outbreak, he was the focus for a spell) that I had put in the guys pub as soon as he said he owned one for about 5 minutes and spent another 5 trying to make sure he was dead. When the guns arrived they checked to see if the vampire was still dead (he wasn't and had escaped by mist a few minutes earlier). They then went to a church and ended the session there. I was then accused of being a bad GM because of providing no plot (umm... try to work out why the zombies appeared).

[JAL_1138]

Yes, but I was running a zombie outbreak scenario and they were convinced that if they had guns the zombies would die to headshots (spoiler: in the end I let them have guns due to them making CoC zombies harder to take down). They first wasted 15 minutes at character creation trying to justify one of them working at a shooting range, then 30 minutes trying to get a car, 5 minutes getting everybody to a pub while he went off and got enough guns and ammo for everybody, then the guys in the pub (owned by the barman of the group) fought the vampire (one of the reasons for the outbreak, he was the focus for a spell) that I had put in the guys pub as soon as he said he owned one for about 5 minutes and spent another 5 trying to make sure he was dead. When the guns arrived they checked to see if the vampire was still dead (he wasn't and had escaped by mist a few minutes earlier). They then went to a church and ended the session there. I was then accused of being a bad GM because of providing no plot (umm... try to work out why the zombies appeared).

"No plot"...oy. It's London. There are zombies and a vampire. There should, generally speaking, not be zombies and a vampire in London. Player characters are called "Investigators." Go f#%&ing investigate the inexplicable appearance of zombies and a vampire in London.

Maybe they couldn't figure out where or how to start looking?


Anyway, that reminded me:

*May not derail a (slow, shambling) zombie outbreak game before it starts by pointing out shambling-zombies' utter inability to navigate the local terrain without shredding themselves to ribbons and/or breaking too many bones to move.
**May not try to avoid blame when the DM makes it a fast-zombie outbreak, starts us in the middle of downtown, and we all TPK in the first session.
***May still not try to avoid blame when the DM does consider that the slow-zombies can't navigate the local non-urban terrain, starts us in the middle of downtown, and makes getting out of town to wait out the outbreak safely the campaign goal.

[noob]

*I may not grab a player and make him play without campaign in a sandbox I create while he is playing.
**There is no feat allowing to do this while doing no damage IRL

[Anonymouswizard]

"No plot"...oy. It's London. There are zombies and a vampire. There should, generally speaking, not be zombies and a vampire in London. Player characters are called "Investigators." Go f#%&ing investigate the inexplicable appearance of zombies and a vampire in London.

Maybe they couldn't figure out where or how to start looking?

Yeah, this is where I discovered the group failed at anything more complex than 'hit it with a stick' (which should have been obvious when they fell for the old 'airducts designed to fall when a person is inside' trick). Unfortunately it took strong hints for them to even consider consulting the book that the strange man had given them, which gave them their first clue (a zombie is animated by a fragment of a soul). They failed to follow it up. :smallsigh:


Anyway, that reminded me:

*May not derail a (slow, shambling) zombie outbreak game before it starts by pointing out shambling-zombies' utter inability to navigate the local terrain without shredding themselves to ribbons and/or breaking too many bones to move.
**May not try to avoid blame when the DM makes it a fast-zombie outbreak, starts us in the middle of downtown, and we all TPK in the first session.
***May still not try to avoid blame when the DM does consider that the slow-zombies can't navigate the local non-urban terrain, starts us in the middle of downtown, and makes getting out of town to wait out the outbreak safely the campaign goal.

Considering how much I love zombie games where the zombies don't die from a punch to the head and my character isn't useless (it's been a year and I still haven't forgiven that guy), I approve. It sounds like a better campaign then 'try to survive until the army gets you and makes you spearhead the assault to take out the point of origin that is never explained properly despite one of our characters asking "can I discover how the zombies work" at least once a session, while I try to stop you from reaching the industrial estate or doing anything smart'. That pretty much describes the one zombie game I was a player in.


* When I said it was a sandbox campaign, they did not expect me to put the gaming table in one.

[illyahr]

Yeah, this is where I discovered the group failed at anything more complex than 'hit it with a stick' (which should have been obvious when they fell for the old 'airducts designed to fall when a person is inside' trick). Unfortunately it took strong hints for them to even consider consulting the book that the strange man had given them, which gave them their first clue (a zombie is animated by a fragment of a soul). They failed to follow it up. :smallsigh:

Why were they even playing a CoC game if they didn't want to play a CoC game? Did they not want to figure out what was causing it? *checks the players for face-tentacles*

[squab]

Why were they even playing a CoC game if they didn't want to play a CoC game? Did they not want to figure out what was causing it? *checks the players for face-tentacles*

That's racist. Leave my face-tentacles out of this.

Or at least buy me dinner first.

[Anonymouswizard]

Why were they even playing a CoC game if they didn't want to play a CoC game? Did they not want to figure out what was causing it? *checks the players for face-tentacles*

The guy who was really into it wanted there to have been bigger things going on at the end, the others heard the words 'zombie outbreak' and immediately thought 'beat it with guns', not 'investigate and solve it', and so agreed to let me run it. :smallsigh:

This is why I'm looking into Cthulhutech for the next setting I run, lots of lovely tentacles (Japan is experiencing a shortage of women :smallwink:) but enough gun-action to keep more combat-focused players entertained.

[GPuzzle]

*Recreating Tarantino movies is forbidden.
**Zombieland is not a possibility.
***Don't even think about Shawn of the Dead, Hot Fuzz or The World's End.
****It's The End, Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny, Superbad - all not allowed.
*****What made you think Pacific Rim was?

[Lord Torath]

This is why I'm looking into Cthulhutech for the next setting I run, lots of lovely tentacles (Japan is experiencing a shortage of women :smallwink:) but enough gun-action to keep more combat-focused players entertained.Before starting this, you may want to read Trekkin's review of Cthulutech on his "I Rolled a Zero (http://irolledazero.blogspot.com/2013/04/what-is-this.html)" blog.

[Anonymouswizard]

Before starting this, you may want to read Trekkin's review of Cthulutech on his "I Rolled a Zero (http://irolledazero.blogspot.com/2013/04/what-is-this.html)" blog.

Sorry, meant Cthulhupunk, I just had -tech on my mind thanks to the S.U.E. files and 'I rolled a zero'. Tech is cool in a FATAL way, but I'm not willing to learn yet another system.

[TheTeaMustFlow]

*Regardless of what empirical evidence and past experience might suggest, there is more to my role as a diplomat than shouting orders and stabbing people in the foot.
**While it is to be acknowledged that amusing the humans and terrifying the elves are both admirable goals, doing so via waving round what's left of the prisoners is considered conduct unbecoming of one On His Holiness's Diplomatic Service.
***Also for one On His Holiness's Secret Service.
****Even if, as a result of the aforementioned incident, I am no longer On any of His Holiness's Services, it's still conduct unbecoming.

[Anonymouswizard]

*Regardless of what empirical evidence and past experience might suggest, there is more to my role as a diplomat than shouting orders and stabbing people in the foot.

This just reminds me of the one about Weapon Profiency (knife) not being a replacement for skills.

* Mythos Lore is not a replacement for Diplomacy.
** Or bluff.
*** Or seduce.
**** Or erotic art.
***** Yes, it can substitute for intimidate.
****** Mythos Lore is not a replacement for Weapon Proficiency (knife)

[Sith_Happens]

Before starting this, you may want to read Trekkin's review of Cthulutech on his "I Rolled a Zero (http://irolledazero.blogspot.com/2013/04/what-is-this.html)" blog.

This (http://irolledazero.blogspot.com/2013/08/suethulu-it-begins.html) being the entry in question. And I highly recommend the Let's Read that he links to, it's both comprehensive and hilarious.

In Cthulhutech's credit, though, at least half its worst flaws revolve around it being written by people I would never, ever want to GM anything I'm playing in. I imagine it becomes quite a lot better with a good GM, just realize that step one of "How to be a good Cthulhutech GM" is "Do not, I repeat do not, ever run any of the published adventures for any reason" and step two is "Ignore literally everything the books tell you about how to run adventures or how to GM in general."

EDIT: Wasn't on fire, ninjas caught me.

[Rater202]

You may also wish to consider importing some of it's themes and character Archetypes to other systems, if you can't do what Sith suggested.

I personally liked the various character options.

[Anonymouswizard]

You may also wish to consider importing some of it's themes and character Archetypes to other systems, if you can't do what Sith suggested.

I personally liked the various character options.

I'm half considering 'War Against the Horrors'. Sometime in the 20th century the Mythos managed to infiltrate our society, and this eventually leads to increased paranoia and the megacorpoations of cyberpunk. Then it's discovered that strange stuff is happening, and suddenly street samurai and deckers aren't the tools in corporate disputes but foot soldiers in a shadow war.

But the more the corporations learn the more obvious it becomes that humanity is losing badly. However, humanity is slowly pushing back doomsday, avoiding the awakening of the gods without knowing. The only problem is, every day of war only brings back a hour or two for humanity.

Recently though, humanity managed to win a victory, with the defection of a race of humans imbued with the power to shift into monster forms by cult scientists, known as chimera (yeah, I really like the idea of Tagers). Now they fight to avoid the day the stars devour Earth.

The game would be run with GURPS, with the PCs as an elite team of 200CP humans and/or chimera. Replacement limbs and organs are common, but actual augmentation is rare enough to require CP (which represents the trouble required to get a Mega to provided it or get it off the black market). Chimera get a single alternate form, usually incorporating aspects from several animals in a humanoid shape.

Chimera can breed, and even breed with humans, but it's a recessive trait.

[Rater202]

The concept of the Tagers appeals to me as well.

[JAL_1138]

I dunno much about either one, but Delta Green (which runs on Call of Cthulhu's basic system) may be an alternative to Cthulhutech. Of course you've got GURPS already (a system I only like in theory; while there's a lot that's appealing about it, there's just too much crunch for me to ever want to run it).

DG is probably what we should have been using for that modern-day game, since it's set present-day.

[rs2excelsior]

*Recreating Tarantino movies is forbidden.
**Zombieland is not a possibility.
***Don't even think about Shawn of the Dead, Hot Fuzz or The World's End.
****It's The End, Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny, Superbad - all not allowed.
*****What made you think Pacific Rim was?

******I may not drive a Jaeger.
*******I may not take Weapon Proficiency (Cargo Ship).
********Yes, using a cargo ship as an improvised weapon does incur an attack penalty.
*********I may pilot a cargo ship.
**********When piloting a cargo ship, I may not use a Jaeger as an improvised weapon.
***********Seriously, that doesn't even make sense.

[Rater202]

Giving the trigger happy extreme sociopath ten hits worth of LSD while he's already drunk was a bad idea.

[goto124]

** May not ask if realistic effects of LSD and drunkenness were used.

[Rater202]

** May not ask if realistic effects of LSD and drunkenness were used.

May not respond with "Imagine this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoDERGyYM_k), but with a random number of gunshots fired at a random target every seven seconds."

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not create a strain of bacteria that turns dead plant matter into ethanol to solve a fuel problem.
** After releasing it into the wild is not the best time to bring up what the real world notes on this say.
*** May not elaborate on why they consist of 'do not do this'.
**** My characters are banned from the lab. And Gnometown. I'd just give them ideas.

[noob]

I might not create steel barrels full of gunpowder because "Wooden ones get blasted by fireballs"

[Anonymouswizard]

I might not create steel barrels full of gunpowder because "Wooden ones get blasted by fireballs"

But steel ones explode when hit by bullets?

[JAL_1138]

*I may not play a clip of the part of Head East's "Never Been Any Reason" that goes "Save my life, I'm goin' down for the last time" every time I heal someone who's at 0hp.

[Sith_Happens]

May not respond with "Imagine this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoDERGyYM_k), but with a random number of gunshots fired at a random target every seven seconds."

**** I may not be disappointed that you didn't link this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqFhzodjpp8).

[Ksheep]

* Evil laughter is NOT a free action
** This applies equally to PCs and the BBEG

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot use the BBEG's monologue as cover for setting up heavy weapons.
** Cannot act during cutscenes.
*** Cannot spend the entire cutscene complaining about the laws of physics.

[Lord Raziere]

* My tech-priest character's voice cybernetic thing may not be damaged in such a way so that they are forever only able to say "Utinni!"
** Yes Han Solo would probably be a rogue trader
*** Chewbacca however is not an Ork dressed heavily in furs constantly going "WAAAAAAAAGH"
**** Luke is not a Space Marine Librarian
***** Darth Vader totally is though.

[Anonymouswizard]

* My tech-priest character's voice cybernetic thing may not be damaged in such a way so that they are forever only able to say "Utinni!"
** Yes Han Solo would probably be a rogue trader
*** Chewbacca however is not an Ork dressed heavily in furs constantly going "WAAAAAAAAGH"
**** Luke is not a Space Marine Librarian
***** Darth Vader totally is though.

****** Cannot fill the black ships with Jedi.
******* Defeating the Imperial Navy with one chapter of Space Marines is a bit mean.

[noob]

I may no longer ask to build a cheap tiny golem with 3000 HD and who is sentient and so have 1000 feats even if it was 100% RAW.
******** Saying "I teleport away before my arm is cut" is not the way

[JAL_1138]

*May not disable the hyperdrive safety-cutoffs (the things that drop ships out of hyperspace in a gravity well) in order to turn a cargo ship full of durasteel scrap into a single-use planet buster more powerful than the Death Star's superlaser.
**No, really, I think there was a rule against doing that in, like, every edition of every company's version of a Star Wars rpg.

[Anonymouswizard]

Okay, I'm reading the SUE files.
* Cannot base my character on Trekkin's GM.

* If my homebrew game includes the character creation rule 'choose three positive traits and two negative traits' someone will complain.
** Especially if the only way to get psionics is to take a special trait, and the astronavigation power stacks with the navigation (space) skill.
*** Cannot replace this with a complex background creation system.

[JAL_1138]

*May not refuse to pilot the ship unless supplied with coffee, responding to everything with "THE SPICE MUST FLOW."

[DigoDragon]

* Evil laughter is NOT a free action
** This applies equally to PCs and the BBEG

Heehee, I think I know where this came from. :smallbiggrin:

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot explain 'all participants roll 3d6 and add their modifier, and then the highest wins' in as complex terms as possible.
** I am no longer allowed to explain rules to newbies.
*** If the party are facing a supersoldier and a telepath, the soldier should target the guy with high HP and low FP (focus points, essentially mental endurance) and the telepath the guy with high FP and low HP, not the other way around.
**** The enemies are no longer allowed to use combined arms tactics.
***** The enemies can no longer use tactics.
****** Weapons are now tactics.
******* Cannot beat the professional commando team in power armour (a whopping +5 defence!) with 3 farmers using hit and run tactics and low powered lasers.

[JAL_1138]

*After twelve cups of coffee, a No-Dōz, a 5-Hour Energy, and two 20-oz Red Bulls, even if I can see the very fabric of Time itself and have written three court motions and a land-title report between combat turns without anyone noticing, I may not respond to suggestions that I've had enough caffeine and should thus not make more coffee with "THE SPICE MUST FLOW."

[goto124]

** May not suggest that the Caffeine Player goes to sleep like a normal person.

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not point out to the Japan obsessed player that the katana is not inherently better than the broadsword, longsword, saber, dao, jian, small sword, rapier, gladius, or any other sword, it was just the option that became dominant in Japan. (EDIT: and I do understand that there are reasons for it)
** My characters can no longer wield the following weapons: bill hook, jian, war scythe, or anything else not listed in the 3.5 weapons table. All scythes must have a blade mounted perpendicular to the handle.

* Cannot be annoyed that all the major 'oriental' (I apologise for the term) RPGs I can find are based on Japan, not China.

[JAL_1138]

** May not suggest that the Caffeine Player goes to sleep like a normal person.

***May not ask why I should go to sleep before noon on a Saturday if I had a full night's sleep Friday night.

[Anonymouswizard]

*After twelve cups of coffee, a No-Dōz, a 5-Hour Energy, and two 20-oz Red Bulls, even if I can see the very fabric of Time itself and have written three court motions and a land-title report between combat turns without anyone noticing, I may not respond to suggestions that I've had enough caffeine and should thus not make more coffee with "THE SPICE MUST FLOW."

** May not put any of the following in the coffee: Paprika, Turmeric, Garam Masala, Cinnamon.

[squab]

* May not point out to the Japan obsessed player that the katana is not inherently better than the broadsword, longsword, saber, dao, jian, small sword, rapier, gladius, or any other sword, it was just the option that became dominant in Japan. (EDIT: and I do understand that there are reasons for it)


Yeah a lot of people don't realize that Japanese swords, cool factor aside, actually suck. The reason they spent so much effort making them was because all they had access to is what Europeans refer to as "pig iron." If you're wondering why it's called "pig iron," it's because it's really, really crappy metal. It takes a lot of smithing to turn pig iron into a half-decent weapon. A single European knight in platemail with a long sword and a shield might just be a terrifying sight on a medieval Japanese battlefield. (Depending on whether or not medieval Japanese bows could penetrate platemail.)

[Anonymouswizard]

Yeah a lot of people don't realize that Japanese swords, cool factor aside, actually suck. The reason they spent so much effort making them was because all they had access to is what Europeans refer to as "pig iron." If you're wondering why it's called "pig iron," it's because it's really, really crappy metal. It takes a lot of smithing to turn pig iron into a half-decent weapon. A single European knight in platemail with a long sword and a shield might just be a terrifying sight on a medieval Japanese battlefield. (Depending on whether or not medieval Japanese bows could penetrate platemail.)

Fun fact: in GCSE science I got bored easily, especially if it wasn't physics, and so would occasionally read the textbooks for fun. This means I was the only one who knew anything about why pig iron apart from the name (forgot most of it, but I believe that it had to do with brittleness). I still managed a A* somehow.

Yeah, I agree that a knight in full plate armour would be terrifying, especially as he'd likely be able to use a two-handed weapon without sacrificing much defence. I believe this is why the warhammer has a spike on it a lot of the time.

Also, I believe longsword refers to the bastard sword, I get what you mean.

The combat I'm interested in is English longbowmen versus samurai. I believe that under the right circumstances they managed to decimate the French knights (which makes some sense, arrows focus their force on a point and so should be better at punching through mail armour, and if you launch enough a minute it should hit a non-plated bit given enough time).

To clarify, the player said that his character had a katana as it was the best thing, I responded that not only was that untrue but he was church-trained and they probably focused on European forms. We settled on cavalry saber as the GM was getting bored with the argument and we both respected the player who recommended it.

[JAL_1138]

** May not put any of the following in the coffee: Paprika, Turmeric, Garam Masala, Cinnamon.

I'm presuming those have some sort of prank effect I'm not familiar with in beverages in very large quantity?
Although turmeric in coffee sounds rather vile on its own, prank or no. Garam masala coffee sounds interesting and cinnamon is decent in winter.

As an aside, I have yet to be convinced that paprika has a taste. In my experience--and I will say I don't buy from a high-end spice merchant--it's just red powder useful solely for color.

EDIT: Also as an aside, I no longer work at the office that prompted such a massive caffeine habit (used to start the day with half a pot, a No-Dōz, and a couple energy drinks, a bit less than the critical tipping-point that pushed it from "can barely pass for human instead of a zombie" to "Kwisatz Haderach"--there is no middle ground--and thus no longer rely on hear-exploding quantities of caffeine to function).

[Anonymouswizard]

I'm presuming those have some sort of prank effect I'm not familiar with in beverages in very large quantity?
Although turmeric in coffee sounds rather vile on its own, prank or no. Garam masala coffee sounds interesting and cinnamon is decent in winter.

Nope, the entire joke is that they are spices. I'll try spicing my coffee tomorrow though.


As an aside, I have yet to be convinced that paprika has a taste. In my experience--and I will say I don't buy from a high-end spice merchant--it's just red powder useful solely for color.

I don't, there aren't any proper spice merchants in the UK. I personally find paprika to be a very weak chilli, if it put it in the food becomes slightly hotter, but not as much as cayane.

[JAL_1138]

Nope, the entire joke is that they are spices. I'll try spicing my coffee tomorrow though.

Use some sort of teabag or put them in the filter with the grounds is my suggestion. Otherwise you'll have very grainy coffee.


I don't, there aren't any proper spice merchants in the UK. I personally find paprika to be a very weak chilli, if it put it in the food becomes slightly hotter, but not as much as cayane.

I buy Sriracha by the quart every month or so and consider it fairly mild, medium in massive quantities, so I'm not the most reliable Scoville meter. :smalltongue:

Edit: And yet the tiniest amount of wasabi destroys me...not the same kind of heat, though. That stuff goes right to the sinuses.

[arclance]

In a Star Wars: Age of the Rebellion game I play in.

* I may not shoot the lightsaber out of a Sith Inquisitors hand.
** Even if I was not aiming at the lightsaber and she tried to parry the blaster bolt with it.
*** My blaster rifle should not do so much damage she can't parry even half of it.
**** I should not have crit here with that shot as well.
***** The crit should not temporarily paralyze her lightsaber arm.
****** Other players should not take advantage of this situation to steal her lightsaber.
******* I can't complain when she force jumps into the airlock I am sniping from.
******** Or when she cuts my safety line keeping evasive maneuvers from making me fall out the airlock.
********* I should not spend 6 disadvantage to make the Sith Inquisitor fall prone ... out the airlock
********** I should not barely manage to not fall out myself while this is happening.
*********** We should not successfuly escape with her lightsaber after this.
************ The Quarter Million Credit bounty on my head is not a surprise.

[JAL_1138]

*May not pack a dead astromech droid with 100 kilos of explosives, a remote detonator, and a simple remote control that can move it and make it beep.
**May not buy a cheap cargo ship, pack it full of industrial explosives, rig it up with a remote control, and ram a star destroyer's reactor with it.
***May not pack a swoop with explosives, rig it up with a remote control and remote detonator, and ram a stormtrooper checkpoint with it.
****May not purchase explosives or the equipment to make remote-control devices.

[Anonymouswizard]

* I am no longer allowed access to solid state lasers that fit in a backpack.
** For that matter, cannot point out that there is no such thing as a 'lazer', and even then, you still pronounce it with a short s. Plus, it's an acronym.
*** Cannot change the wavelength of the laser.
**** When informed that it's a continuous beam, may not take advantage of the battery.
***** Cannot alter the laser to emit frequent but short duration beams to reduce the power requirements and the effectiveness of reflective armour.
****** If all of the above is true, cannot call a photonics expert and ask what fun can be had with such a laser.
******* No longer allowed to play Science Fiction games, it scares the less intelligent in the group.
******** When railguns are introduced, cannot bring up the advantages and disadvantages of using a coilgun instead (specifically lower speed, but a theoretically faster rate of fire).
********* Especially when my specialty is closer to electronic logic than electromagnetism.

[JAL_1138]

*May not suggest we go theater-of-the-mind just so there'll be room on the table for a hookah.

*May not disguise the assassin droid as a protocol droid, complete with translation software and voice modulation, so that opponents are taken completely off-guard when strangled to death by a droid so innocuous it makes C-3PO look like IG-88.

*May not play a character who has been adventuring before, and who consequently responds to the dilapidated cabin in the creepy forest with dried blood on the door by saying "NOPE! This ain't my first rodeo," and lobbing a flask of alchemist's fire through the window.
**Especially if I was right.

*My character may not have an unhealthy obsession with ridiculous hats.
**Even if my justification is that I'm a charlatan and people will remember the stupid hat with the peacock feather better than they'll remember my face.
***My character may not have half-a-dozen ornate, overdecorated silly hats (tricorne, bicorn, two different cavaliers, and a busby (note: NOT the bearskin worn by British guardsmen), EDIT: forgot the tudor/flat cap) and a variety of less-silly, nondescript hats and hoods.
****Especially if I've never played Team Fortress 2 and it isn't a reference.

*May not give all character-bulding advice as if I'm helping someone build a bard instead of the class they're asking about.
**Especially if I tell them to dip a level or two in the class they were asking about.

[Anonymouswizard]

*May not disguise the assassin droid as a protocol droid, complete with translation software and voice modulation, so that opponents are taken completely off-guard when strangled to death by a droid so innocuous it makes C-3PO look like IG-88.

Correction: you are required to do this, master.

Sarcastic comment: of course it doesn't make your but look big.

[JAL_1138]

Correction: you are required to do this, master.

Sarcastic comment: of course it doesn't make your but look big.

Oh, good ol' HK. *distracted by nostalgia for a minute*

...Anyway. This one didn't act like HK. No calling humans "meatbags," or sarcasm, or snark, or requesting permission to kill people. It made 3PO look brash and rude by comparison. When it finally attacked someone it was so incongrous with its prior behavior it was like a golden retriever therapy-dog suddenly going for the throat. :smallbiggrin:

[KnotKnormal]

*a high strength score does not mean that i must "carry" the party.
**a high dex score does not mean i must run circles around the enemy.
***a high con score does not mean i must ingest poisons "to keep my immune system working."
****a high int score does not mean i must insult the designer of the traps and puzzles i solve.
*****a high wis score does not mean i must offer my "doctor phil advice" to everyone.
******a high cha score does not mean i must make everyone my friend because im lonely, including the BBEG.

[goto124]

****a high int score does not mean i must insult the designer of the traps and puzzles i solve.

***** May not insult the setting, society, people, or otherwise pretty much everything in the game.
****** Not allowed to break the fourth wall to do so.
******* The DM will kick you out, sheesh.

[JAL_1138]

*When the wizard pokes fun at bardic magic and tries to act all superior by showing me a page from his spellbook, may not retaliate by showing him the sheet music for John Stump's Faerie's Aire and Death Waltz. SAN loss will result and this isn't even CoC.

"Release the penguins?!"

[EDIT: For some reason, Youtube is absolutely chock-full of people mislabeling a random piece of anime [edit: I think maybe Touhou rather than anime] music as John Stump's Faerie's Aire and Death Waltz. If it has any identifiable chords or melody and doesn't sound like a bunch of random notes, it's not the real thing. A live performance (without the necessary budget and with pauses for stage directions that shouldn't really be separate from the score) goes thus: http://youtu.be/sCgT94A7WgI]

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot have a document prepared titled '8 reasons why my homebrew system that we are going to playtest is better than d20'.
** These reasons cannot include:
-Sturdier beginning characters and squishier experienced characters.
-Bell curve dice roll.
-Damage roll combined with attack roll.
-Traits to encourage roleplaying and customise characters (includes slight mechanical bonus).
-Skill based instead of class based character advancement.
-Psionics work as skills (balancing to be done in the playtest).
-Mental fatigue system represented by Focus Points.
-No extended rolls: all actions completed in a single roll!
*** Especially when a player has expressed a dislike for non-d20 systems.

[goto124]

"Release the penguins?!"

** May not respond with a relevant (http://cdn1.absolutetravel.com/content/uploads/2014/10/Treasure-penguin-release.gif) image.
*** May not create a penguin PC.
**** May not make a Penguin Summoner.
***** Yes, we already got that you like penguins.

[JAL_1138]

** May not respond with a relevant (http://cdn1.absolutetravel.com/content/uploads/2014/10/Treasure-penguin-release.gif) image.
*** May not create a penguin PC.
**** May not make a Penguin Summoner.
***** Yes, we already got that you like penguins.

I mentioned this waaay back, possibly in the other previous thread, but Spelljammer has you covered. (http://www.lomion.de/cmm/dohwar.php)

EDIT:
http://www.well.com/user/bryan/waltz.gif

And this elegant and finely-crafted link (http://www.well.com/user/bryan/waltz.gif) since the resized image is too small to read the stage directions.

[Anonymouswizard]

I mentioned this waaay back, possibly in the other previous thread, but Spelljammer has you covered. (http://www.lomion.de/cmm/dohwar.php)

* May not request a miniature giant space penguin.
** Especially not a miniture fire-breathing phase doppelganger giant space penguin.
*** This is why I should not be an engineer. Applies in game as well.

[JAL_1138]

* May not request a miniature giant space penguin.
** Especially not a miniture fire-breathing phase doppelganger giant space penguin.
*** This is why I should not be an engineer. Applies in game as well.

To quote...


**** Step away from the Gnomes.

[Sith_Happens]

http://www.well.com/user/bryan/waltz.gif

And this elegant and finely-crafted link (http://www.well.com/user/bryan/waltz.gif) since the resized image is too small to read the stage directions.

I would say something about monkeys and typewriters, but I've never heard of a music typewriter.

[JAL_1138]

I would say something about monkeys and typewriters, but I've never heard of a music typewriter.

It is a deliberately-unplayable and completely ludicrous satire piece.

For anybody that can't read the resized piece and missed the link, stage directions include but are not limited to "Opt. shoe horn," "light explosives now...and...now," "release the penguins," "sell mute," a variety of incomprehensible flats and sharps and volume notations, "Bow real fast--slippage may occur," "Play ball!" and "like a dirigible."

[DigoDragon]

** May not put any of the following in the coffee: Paprika, Turmeric, Garam Masala, Cinnamon.

*** It has caffeine, just give it Tyme to work on it's own.

[goto124]

* May not attempt to use Smite Evil on babies and children.
** Especially not without a better reason than 'is really scared of kids'.

[Anonymouswizard]

*** It has caffeine, just give it Tyme to work on it's own.

**** We have plenty of Thyme.

* If the average HP is 10 lasers should not do 3d6 damage with a +6 accuracy bonus (which you only get if trained).
** Especially if the only balancing factor is that it has no AP.
*** Civilian electro lasers doing 1d6+CON save (roll under CON on 3d6) or stun is okay.
**** Giving Military electrolasers 1-3d6 damage plus a CON save for stun is less acceptable.
***** The counter to powerful weapons should not be 'wear armour', despite light infantry armour having DR 6 and not impeding movement.
****** 'It only exists as an experimental prototype' is not a good reason to ban players from using DR 15 powered armour if I wrote the system.
******* Cannot point out I've only given out the stats for laser pulsers, MP beam lasers are being reserved for later books.
******** Cannot plan supplements when working on v0.1.

[FabulousFizban]

believe this is why the warhammer has a spike on it a lot of the time.

the warhammer was specifically designed to deal with soldiers in plate. The localized force of the head transfers all the energy of the blow through the armor and into the person. The idea was to cause broken bones and internal hemorrhaging regardless of how well armored you were. The spike serves a different purpose.

[JAL_1138]

the warhammer was specifically designed to deal with soldiers in plate. The localized force of the head transfers all the energy of the blow through the armor and into the person. The idea was to cause broken bones and internal hemorrhaging regardless of how well armored you were. The spike serves a different purpose.

The top spike, if one was present, has a multitude of uses, from filling in for a rondel dagger (piercing between the helmet and breastplate on a downed but living plate-armored knight) or simply as a short spear when there's no room to swing.

The rear spike went through chain like a hot knife through butter and could also be used to hook a rider off a mount, grapple reins, shields, or weapons, or pierce thinner plate such as that covering the stomach or limbs.

The hammer head was mostly intended to hit the helmet, causing severe concussion and usually death.

[Ksheep]

**** We have plenty of Thyme.

***** We do NOT have all the Thyme in the world…

[Anonymouswizard]

***** We do NOT have all the Thyme in the world…

****** Despite what I claim, there is enough Thyme.

[Rater202]

*At no point should the teenaged Cyborg Girl cede the moral high ground to the genetically engineered bio-mechanical chimera killing machine raised by a mad scientist and a sociopathic general.

[Lord Raziere]

** the player of said killing machine cannot insist that said cyborg girl has ceded the moral high ground, because the difference of their actions in question are splitting hairs at best.
*** I mean neither one of them was going to kill anyone anyways, so why are you even bringing it up?
**** Besides, now we know that the noble was actually an alien spy, thats more than what the killing machine accomplished and she basically did the same thing he did but better.

[Rater202]

*****The killing machine never intended to go through with his threats.
******The Cyborg girl made it clear that she did.
*******And the killing machine was rather frustrated when he made the threat.
********In comparison, the Cyborg girl went to it rather quickly
*********Also, we don't know that he's an alien spy. He could just have a witch on staff to scry for him, since he mentioned verifying stories.

This doesn't sound mean spirit or argumentative, does it? I'm mostly poking fun.

[Lord Raziere]

oh hm, yeah that is a risk of this, I'll try finish it with something funny:

10* Cyborg girl is not allowed to do something once as a last resort that killing machine has shown repeatedly to do many times in casual conversation

[Anonymouswizard]

* My homebrew setting cannot include a portal that leads through the Warp and into the Warhammer 40,000 setting.
** If the PCs ever decide to visit, cannot point out that lasguns do 8d6 damage, whereas their full-auto gauss rifles only manage 4d6 (3d6 when fired semiauto or burst fire).
*** The fact that their armour is scaled to their weapons is totally unfair ('impervious to small arms fire' is a lie told by scrupulous armour dealers in-setting, the best armour will protect you from all small arms ~50% of the time).

* Katanas do not have AP -11.
** If the standard stats for a sword in my setting are meant for jian, but used for any one-handed cutting sword, I cannot be surprised when someone tries to use a katana one-handed.
*** Cannot point out that the katana was abandoned years ago for being poorly suited to the requirements of the Navy, who use spears and electrolasers in ship corridors, with officiers getting jian.
**** When ceremonial guards are forced to use their halberds, the PCs will not be happy to discover that unlike the ridiculous 'poletorch'2 weapon, they are actually effective.
***** The fact that none of these are monofilament versions will just make the PCs scared.
****** When I said 'lightsaber' the party did not expect to come across a blade made out of nanoforged plastic. It should not be too light to be useful.

1 As in, adds one to the DR of any armour.
2 A super-powerful blowtorch on a pole, it's noted in the description to mainly be used for breaching and not actual combat.

[JAL_1138]

*May not devise a small, wheeled, clockwork cart that can be loaded with a couple flasks of alchemist's fire, a fuse, and a Necklace of Fireball, then be wound up and sent down a corridor.
**NO GNOMES.

*D&D nations do not use fiat currency.
**Even if it's been around since both the Yuan Dynasty (pretty much fully-modern paper money) and Henry I (in the form of split tally-sticks used as currency, particularly for taxation).

*Medieval (and quasi-Renaissance) stasis does not exist because fluctuations in background magic make predicting the volatility of combustible fuels and/or the pressures in steam systems too difficult for the fine-tuning needed for reliable complex engines. Even if it does explain why gnomish devices explode so often, it likely borks physics in too many other ways.
**NO GNOMES.

[Anonymouswizard]

*D&D nations do not use fiat currency.
**Even if it's been around since both the Yuan Dynasty (pretty much fully-modern paper money) and Henry I (in the form of split tally-sticks used as currency, particularly for taxation).

*** Cannot try to use a realistic currency system, where anything that costs more than a handful of farthings (which one player insists I'm being too pedantic about, but 'gold' literally refers to the gold coins known as crowns) is normally payed for in goods, services, favours, or letters of credit (although if you want to count out 500 coins for that sword the smith won't stop you).
**** Merchants are not allowed to increase prices to meet with demand, or be incapable of giving exact change (you pay for a 10 farthing meal with a crown, and you probably end up missing out on the better part of 100 farthings. Plus you'll be getting mugged in the morning).


**NO GNOMES.

*** You're going to get the Playground banned from being Gnomes, you kgnow that?

* My wizard cannot insist people refer to him with the words 'thaumaturgical engineer'. He may not eschew robes in favour of basic clothes and a smith's apron.
** My wizard cannot be the city expert on any of the following: alchemy, enchanting, researching spells, creative use of wands, alternative forms for magic items, spellguns.
*** Why yes, I am annoyed I've never met someone who has both owned and allowed access to the Artificer class.
**** Cannot create a wonderous item that has a six-slot cylinder for wands, which activates a wand with the pull of a trigger with a standard action, and can swap the 'active' wand with a move action.
***** My artificer cannot pass himself off as a more powerful wizard than the bard with the use of a potion of glibness and a deck of cards. The wizard is still sore about the flash paper.

[JAL_1138]

*** You're going to get the Playground banned from being Gnomes, you kgnow that?

:smallbiggrin: This made me grin.

*"Gnome" is not the root word of "gnosis," meaning "knowledge."



* My wizard [...] may not eschew robes in favour of basic clothes and a smith's apron.

...I would actually recommend never dressing like a wizard unless you need to look like one for social functions, persuading someone of magical expertise, or intimidation purposes. Any intelligent opponent is going to geek the mage first.



***** My artificer cannot pass himself off as a more powerful wizard than the bard with the use of a potion of glibness and a deck of cards. The wizard is still sore about the flash paper.

*My bard may not successfully pass himself off as a cleric, wizard, paladin, warlock, and fighter at different times in the same session just by the use of bard class features and spells. Not without a bluff check, at least, even though I've not given anyone outside the party any reason at all to suspect I'm anything but what I claim at the moment.

[Anonymouswizard]

:smallbiggrin: This made me grin.

*"Gnome" is not the root word of "gnosis," meaning "knowledge."

** 'Oh No' is more appropriate.


...I would actually recommend never dressing like a wizard unless you need to look like one for social functions, persuading someone of magical expertise, or intimidation purposes. Any intelligent opponent is going to geek the mage first.

Yep, the last time I played an occultist my character moved between street clothes, kook gear, and in one occasion street clothes specifically picked to look like a kook trying to blend in, depending on what the situation called for. Otherwise I make it a rule to dress as something other than what I am. Just like any intelligent opponent is going to geek the mage first, they'll be surprised when they swing at the robed opponent and hit mail armour. :smallbiggrin:

I took Spoony's 'never dress as a mage' advice and ran with it, the only time I've had a character wear robes was when mages very definitely got preferential treatment. I have plans for a necromancer who dresses as a noble (she's actually from a merchant family and running away from an arranged marriage by very controlling parents), and the aforementioned 'mage who dresses as a smith'. My characters also never wear armour inside the city, although they'll keep a weapon or spell component pouch for self-defence.


*My bard may not successfully pass himself off as a cleric, wizard, paladin, warlock, and fighter at different times in the same session just by the use of bard class features and spells. Not without a bluff check, at least, even though I've not given anyone outside the party any reason at all to suspect I'm anything but what I claim at the moment.

** 'Virginal Princess' or 'Maiden of Pure Intent' are right out.

* Cannot play a celibate bard raised by prostitutes with maximum ranks in seduction. (Of course, he's dressed as a fighter or cleric)

[JAL_1138]

** 'Oh No' is more appropriate.



Yep, the last time I played an occultist my character moved between street clothes, kook gear, and in one occasion street clothes specifically picked to look like a kook trying to blend in, depending on what the situation called for. Otherwise I make it a rule to dress as something other than what I am. Just like any intelligent opponent is going to geek the mage first, they'll be surprised when they swing at the robed opponent and hit mail armour. :smallbiggrin:

I took Spoony's 'never dress as a mage' advice and ran with it, the only time I've had a character wear robes was when mages very definitely got preferential treatment. I have plans for a necromancer who dresses as a noble (she's actually from a merchant family and running away from an arranged marriage by very controlling parents), and the aforementioned 'mage who dresses as a smith'. My characters also never wear armour inside the city, although they'll keep a weapon or spell component pouch for self-defence.



** 'Virginal Princess' or 'Maiden of Pure Intent' are right out.

* Cannot play a celibate bard raised by prostitutes with maximum ranks in seduction. (Of course, he's dressed as a fighter or cleric)

Dressing the Fighter up as the Wizard is pretty clever. If enemies are going to dogpile the squishy caster, having them dogpile the tanky bruiser in good armor is a pretty good move.

*I may not have set of clothes for nearly every social rank and quite a few professions and still just dress like a rich fop in a ludicrous hat all the time.

*(I may have mentioned this already, can't recall) May not keep a spare set of light armor just to sleep in, and wear it at night in the eventuality that I'm awakened by an encounter.
**The first thing I do when setting up for the night in an actual room may not be to move the furniture around so that there's something heavy (and/or loud-when-moved) blocking the window and doors in such a manner that the DM must concede that it can't be bypassed stealthily, then change into my spare armor and sleep with a loaded crossbow and a drawn sword near each hand.
***May not refuse to stay at inns with room doors that open outward, or on any floor but the second (first floor in some countries with different gnomenclature; in either case, meaning the one immediately above the ground floor) so that it's harder for people to climb in the window, quietly open the door, block me from leaving through the door, etc., and opponents on the floor below will have to fight up a staircase, but isn't too high off the ground for me to simply jump out the window to escape if needed.
****May not bring my spare armor with me to change into it at campsites.

*My elf may not orchestrate the downfall of a rival nation simply by releasing a few crates of agricultural pests which have no natural predators there and planting fast-growing vine plants (i.e., kudzu equivalents) with no herbivores that readily eat them there, then going on vacation for a hundred years.
**Even if I'm True Neutral and the city in question is Lawful Evil to the core AND we're at war with them, may not take out a city experiencing a long drought by lobbing a few lit flasks of oil and as many Fireballs as I can and then leaving, unless I'm willing to have my alingment dinged down to some flavor of Evil.

*May not convince the king that rather than lay siege to a town he can simply dam the river that serves as its only water source several dozen leagues upstream and wait a while.

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not base my character off HK-47.
** My designation cannot be ABC-123-U-ME.

[Ksheep]

* I may not cast Forcecage (windowless cell version) around myself every night to make sure I don't get jumped by enemies
** Even if I found a magical item or ability that lets me cast it without the 1,500 GP worth of ruby dust
*** Even if I use a Bottle of Air to supply myself with oxygen
**** Having a Contingency Teleport spell ready to get me to an undisclosed location in case the Forcecage is dispelled by anybody but me is right out
***** You do realize there are easier ways to accomplish the same thing, right? Like, for instance, Rope Trick

[Oberon Kenobi]

*The Light spell does not work that way.

*The verbal component for Color Spray is not "Carth, close your eyes!"

*"Attempt to mount it" is not to be my default tactical response to every new monster.
**Especially if I do not actually have any ranks in Ride.

[Estralita]

*May not make a character who's focused on ensuring the random catacylsmic/horrible event rules get their proper use
**Making my character's personality so said failure states would be more embarrassing and thus amusing for her is not acceptable
***Goshdanggit, the overcharges and magical mishaps are supposed to be the consequence/bad ending, not the characters main goal

*****May not point out to the DM I chose the build because I can overcharge like crazy in one action



*My main strategy in every battle cannot be to activate a Fury Burst so I can pummel the opponent with Rage powers.
**Not even if I warn all the other players to get out beforehand.
***That goes double for Magical and Heart Bursts.
****Activating Bursts that often can and will have negative effects on the character.

*The magical seeds that drop from the youma are called Oblivion Seeds. Not Grief Seeds, Jewel Seeds, MacGuffin Seeds, Plot Coupons, or Revives.
**May not wish for 13 Oblivion Seeds.
***Or any number of Oblivion Seeds.
****My magical power is not to create Oblivion Seeds
*****Neither are Oblivion Seeds my Element.

*My magic power cannot be to remove Overcharge with no costs.
**Especially if the way it works is passing the overcharge to other players.

*May not have Relationship Ranks with inanimate objects.
**We can talk about relationships with AI when you're character actually meets one.

[noob]

"* If the average HP is 10 lasers should not do 3d6 damage with a +6 accuracy bonus (which you only get if trained)."
**In my campaign I should not give AK-47 dealing 1d12+str and who multiply your number of attacks by three.
***I should not at level 2 give AK-47 M who attacks one more time per base attack.
****I should not give rifles who deals 4d6 and who can apply precision damage at any range and increase your critical range of one per bonus dice of precision damage and who have a X4 multiplier who apply to precision damage too.(even if it apply only if you do only one attack per round)
*****I should not make all weapons have a bonus to attack damage and attack roll equal to your strength modifier and hit when you hit touch AC
******I should not give cheap grenades who deals 3d6 in a 15 meters radius at level 1

[IZ42]

*I should not build a character that causes the GM to ban Gramarists from the table, despite being a popular class in the setting. (This was a fellow player, not me)
**It is perfectly justified to immensely dislike my animal robot companion, because it did jack for its entire career
***My character should not be enough of a nuisance that it took 4 minions to effectively fight me, and the boss to finish me off.
****The solution to land battles shouldn't be to broadside the enemy with the airship.
*****My character should not have taken enough damage over his career to kill the entire party.
******Especially if the party regularly consisted of 5-6 players.
*******My character should not be able to effectively tank for the party without being a class that can draw aggro.
********My character's epitaph probably shouldn't be "Did the one true job of a tank"
*********It should not be revealed post-mortem that most of the androgynous halfling crew-members loved my character.

RIP Mokan Alu'thai

[Bucky]

*9th level blasting spells are not appropriate to use on a 7th level party.
**8th level save-or-die spells are not appropriate to use on an 7th level party.
***Power Word:Kill might technically be neither blasting nor save-or-die, but it's still inappropriate.
****High level full spellcasters are for boss battles, not random encounters.
*****If the random encounter table says otherwise, fudge.

[Elbeyon]

*May not disable the hyperdrive safety-cutoffs (the things that drop ships out of hyperspace in a gravity well) in order to turn a cargo ship full of durasteel scrap into a single-use planet buster more powerful than the Death Star's superlaser.We did this to the death star in a game i was in! We rolled on the hyperspace mishaps... and made the death star used. It lost half of its value. The financial loss to the empire was high.

[goto124]

* May not rule that Rope Trick requires concentration, and that trying to sleep in there results in the PC getting dropped out.
** May not rule that it erases the PC from existance, either.
*** May not ask the player to try sleeping while hanging onto a rope mid-air IRL.
**** Good luck paying for the hospital bills when the player falls down and cracks a bone or skull.

[JAL_1138]

* May not rule that Rope Trick requires concentration, and that trying to sleep in there results in the PC getting dropped out.
** May not rule that it erases the PC from existance, either.
*** May not ask the player to try sleeping while hanging onto a rope mid-air IRL.
**** Good luck paying for the hospital bills when the player falls down and cracks a bone or skull.

You do know that Rope Trick doesn't involve hanging on the rope for longer than the climb up to the extradimensional space a'la Tiny Hut that it creates, yes? You can even pull the rope up into it. It's like a little floating invisible room that you climb a rope to get into. The *end* of the rope is affixed to the extradimensional space that you then climb up into. In 2e, the spell description said extremely strong creatures on the ground below could (at DM's option) yoink the rope off of the extradimensional space, leaving the space intact and you up there in in it.

[goto124]

*** May not rule that the rope goes on into the extradimensional space, that PCs must continue to hang onto the rope even when inside said extradimensional space.

[rs2excelsior]

We did this to the death star in a game i was in! We rolled on the hyperspace mishaps... and made the death star used. It lost half of its value. The financial loss to the empire was high.

Heh... can you imagine the Empire trying to sell the thing in the first place?

Galactic News Today: Seventy-eight years after the crushing victory over rebel forces at Yavin 4, the Empire decides to auction off the heavily-used Death Star on the civilian market...

[goto124]

Hilarous both in- and out-of-universe.

DM: You all killed the boss, finished the dungeon and now want to sell it?

[ryu]

Hilarous both in- and out-of-universe.

DM: You all killed the boss, finished the dungeon and now want to sell it?

These exact kind of shenanigans from me are why my DMs refuse on principle to craft low to mid level dungeons from any sort of decently valuable material. All doors are taken, all traps removed intact with a combination of disintegrate some ingenuity and hired movers, all sections of wall, ceiling, or floor made of more valuable material than wood or drywall are similarly taken. If it exists, has a listed value, and I killed its owners it's mine to keep even if it's not traditional loot. Especially if it's not traditional loot.

*That's IT! Just caves from now on!

[goto124]

** May not turn caves into tourist attractions.

[JAL_1138]

We did this to the death star in a game i was in! We rolled on the hyperspace mishaps... and made the death star used. It lost half of its value. The financial loss to the empire was high.

What system was that? In the D6 version all the mishaps were things that happened to a ship you were flying, not a ship you hit, though I think there was one for a collision with like an asteroid.

[goto124]

I thought they managed to make the death star move, then piloted it to crash into... something.

[JAL_1138]

I thought they managed to make the death star move, then piloted it to crash into... something.

1) Stealing the Death Star and joyriding it so hard it ends up in used condition is awesome.
2) That makes more sense for an astrogation fail roll than hitting it with a ship.

I was talking about ramming a planet with a ship going so fast the word "relativistic" is insufficient, resulting in not simply blowing it into a bunch of asteroids but reducing it to a cloud of high-energy plasma that causes solar flares and wipes out anything on the surface of neighboring planets in the system too (as each individual proton in the plasma would have the kinetic energy of a baseball).

[Elbeyon]

No joyriding death stars. Sorry. We tried to crash/materialize ships inside of the thing via hyperspace. Eventually, we ended up rolling on the system damage table to see what happened.

1-10 No system damage
11-15 Starship becomes "used"
16 Communications/sensors destroyed
17 Weapons destroyed
18 Hyperdrive destroyed
19 Sublight engines destroyed
20 Life support Destroyed; 2d12 hours of support remaining.

[DigoDragon]

* Banned from selling sword found in the nuclear heart of an alien ship on the black market in Waterdeep.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot convince everybody in the party to play their profession in real life.
** Especially in Call of Cthulhu. We most certainly cannot play ourselves in Call of Cthulhu.
*** If the party consisting of a metallurgist, two mechanical engineers and two electronic engineers puts another electrocuted super-strong metal door reinforced with metal in front of the entrance to the adventure, we will fight Cthulhu in a random encounter.

[noob]

* I should not try PAO a giant cube of stone in a creature and then test the stats
** I should not turn the flesh of an opponent into stone and then turn it into mud, disintegrate it and put it in an ocean for making it truly impossible to recuperate in normal ways
*** I should not create a PF build for a lvl 20 character with familiar with 44 bba and fitting saves that I then polymorph in a giant monster and that I then duplicate indefinitely with a familiar spell rod and the use of duplicate familiar who create a duplicate of the targeted familiar and then say that it does not says that he does not have the 2 duplicate familiar familiar spells and then create an infinite familiar army and then use it for defeating all my opponants

[Anonymouswizard]

* Spirits cannot give the party ESPer a new power if it would put him into points debt.
** The same spirit cannot refuse to give powers to the Engineer because their mind is 'far too sterile, seriously dude, I met a blacksmith who was like 20 times as colourful as your mind'.

[JAL_1138]

*May not take advantage of the weightlessness of lightsaber blades to arrange several captured lightsabers and a few small electric motors into an impenetrable spinning cone of death.

*May not weld meathooks and harpoons into treble hooks, festoon them on large heavy chains attached to weights covered in even more treble hooks, and fire the results out of a specialized catapult at a flying dragon's wings.
**May not hit.
***A hit may not one-shot the dragon, between the hit itself and the falling damage.
****NO GNOMES.

[Anonymouswizard]

*May not take advantage of the weightlessness of lightsaber blades to arrange several captured lightsabers and a few small electric motors into an impenetrable spinning cone of death.

I kid you not, this sort of mad engineering is why I'm no longer allowed access to advanced technology. If it includes gears or electronics I'll either make it into a tool of doom or explode, and if not one of my character's goals will be to improve it to a reasonable extent (for example, in a game I might be playing in my goal is to improve the single shot possible black powder rifles into a bolt-action rifle).


*May not weld meathooks and harpoons into treble hooks, festoon them on large heavy chains attached to weights covered in even more treble hooks, and fire the results out of a specialized catapult at a flying dragon's wings.
**May not hit.
***A hit may not one-shot the dragon, between the hit itself and the falling damage.
****NO GNOMES.

Oh yeah, I'm basically banned from these as well. In fact, I might not be able to have INT above 10 soon...

[JAL_1138]

*May not use nothing more than an axe, a rope, a hammer, some nails, an animal hide, a couple of trees, and a mule to build a couillard (simple miniature trebuchet).
**GNO GNOMES.

[CosmosAngel]

* I may not use a sword in a modern setting.
** My swordsman should not consistently out-perform the gun using characters.

Related:
* I am banned from using Rules of Nature as theme music for a character.

[JAL_1138]

*If someone calls my druid "nature-boy," I may not respond with a Ric Flair "WOOOO!".
**May not base a grappler-bard on Ric Flair.

*May not do anything which causes another player to say "Do you hear that? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when George Lucas slaughtered my childhood. The dungeonmaster makes it now."
**Particularly if it involves one-shotting the BBEG by using an explicitly non-combat spell and the DM's own "dramatic" location for the showdown.
***I do not get XP for the BBEG if I make him fail a ride check and fall off a cliff by casting Move Earth.

*My bard didn't fail to become a swashbuckler and have to settle for being an adventurer because he couldn't figure out how to buckle a swash.

[Takewo]

JAL_1138, Anonymuswizard, if half of the stuff that you say is true, you should really consider changing your roleplaying groups. As a game master, I would not only applaud all those ideas, but reward them.

[Anonymouswizard]

JAL_1138, Anonymuswizard, if half of the stuff that you say is true, you should really consider changing your roleplaying groups. As a game master, I would not only applaud all those ideas, but reward them.

What happens is I either stop myself in the character planning stage, or the GM stops me because the group just doesn't want to deal with the maths. I play with two groups, in one I just except that I'm not allowed to do anything beyond simple ideas and mid-op, the other one is more open to crazy ideas but requests that you don't smash the game into little pieces. A lot of what I say is extrapolated from stuff that isn't explicitly banned, but would be or has got the GM annoyed.

In the first group I'm banned from technology because I will try to turn the blender into a WMD. In the second I'm allowed to play an engineer because my ideas are usually fun but not perfect, and I'm doing it to support the group. (I was banned from using quickness, Technology, inventor and rote actions in the first group to design and build an invention per combat round as a M&M buffer build by the first group, the second group helped me stack as many tilts as possible on myself and the party in Unknown Armies.) This is why I've never played a caster in the first group, because I'm the ONLY group member who would consider using the non-combat spells, in the second group I got my fix by playing two mages in a row, without access to any combat magic. I would only play in the second group if I had the ability.

As a side note, the first group does have an awesome GM who is completely fine with everything I can pull out, because he's the only one who can offer counter arguments or counter me being one of the decent optimisers in the group (he's the other, we shine in different types of game). It's just most of the other GMs have far less understanding of either electricity, mechanics, or the mechanics than us, which has pretty much made both of us banned from engineers.

As an example, only the first two of these has been banned (I wanted to land a mile away, scout the place out, and then block all the entrances bar one before going in guns blazing):
* Space Marines are no longer allowed to think tactically. They must always enter through the roof in a drop pod without any scouting out of the location first.
** Cannot complain about not being allowed to use Squad Mode, the single reason I agreed to Deathwatch instead of Dark Heresy, because the GM can't be asked to read the rules. He's dyslexic (as was the GM I had who had pretty much memorised the basics of Unknown Armies' authentic thaumaturgy).
*** Cannot complain about the Deathwatch being sent to do acolyte work.
**** Cannot point out that a cell consisting of an Adept, Guardsman, Tech-Priest, Arbitrator, and Cleric would be much better at taking down this cult than us, because they would be able to question survivors and decipher text in order to get to other cells.
***** Cannot have my adept become a sorcerer. Especially if it's just to scare the psyker. Also, I'll probably try to use pyromancy to set something on fire or divine the future.

[JAL_1138]

JAL_1138, Anonymuswizard, if half of the stuff that you say is true, you should really consider changing your roleplaying groups. As a game master, I would not only applaud all those ideas, but reward them.

Some of the things I "may not do" are just things that mildly aggravated the DM or other players at the time, or worked but derailed things too much, or didn't get out of the planning stage, or simply didn't fit the tone and theme, or would disrupt the campaign in the particular circumstances.

The hyperdrive thing for instance is one where actually doing it means galactic civilization pretty much ends; the enemy, random warlords, criminal cartels, and for that matter any deranged engineer having a psychotic break could do it, and in a short time there wouldn't be any habitable planets left; the hyperdrive would no longer be a viable method of transport since any ship at all could be turned into a horrifying genocidal superweapon. So it was best not to actually do it if we wanted to keep playing Star Wars.

Also, mine aren't all from the same group, same city, same state, or even the same decade.

[Anonymouswizard]

The hyperdrive thing for instance is one where actually doing it means galactic civilization pretty much ends; the enemy, random warlords, criminal cartels, and for that matter any deranged engineer having a psychotic break could do it, and in a short time there wouldn't be any habitable planets left; the hyperdrive would no longer be a viable method of transport since any ship at all could be turned into a horrifying genocidal superweapon. So it was best not to actually do it if we wanted to keep playing Star Wars.

To expand on this, I've yet to lay my hands on any sort of FTL, partially because it all makes brilliant weapons, although a GM of mine apparently has a hyperspace system I could exploit with a large enough amount of matter and a few in-character calculations (you can only jump to a point with the same gravitational influence as you, I want to try jumping a missile into a planetary core). I'm fairly certain he knows I'd try this or has had someone try it already though.

[JAL_1138]

To expand on this, I've yet to lay my hands on any sort of FTL, partially because it all makes brilliant weapons, although a GM of mine apparently has a hyperspace system I could exploit with a large enough amount of matter and a few in-character calculations (you can only jump to a point with the same gravitational influence as you, I want to try jumping a missile into a planetary core). I'm fairly certain he knows I'd try this or has had someone try it already though.

Interstellar travel really just doesn't work without something to prevent exploiting relativistic impacts. Even if it's just something like mutually-assured destruction. Really once you get something moving fast enough, the impact itself is bigger than any warhead you could possibly put on it. It's somewhat less weaponizable if FTL objects don't interact with normal matter and energy, though that opens up teleporting shenanigans. EDIT: And still doesn't answer the "nearly-as-fast-as-light" problem; a ship at 0.8c will still wipe out all life on a planet it hits.

It'd have to be quite the missile to do something to a planetary core if it's a phasing-out-of-normal-reality type hyperdrive, wouldn't it? Although I suppose the sudden appearance of new mass could cause some shockwaves...

[Anonymouswizard]

Interstellar travel really just doesn't work without something to prevent exploiting relativistic impacts. Even if it's just something like mutually-assured destruction. Really once you get something moving fast enough, the impact itself is bigger than any warhead you could possibly put on it. It's somewhat less weaponizable if FTL objects don't interact with normal matter and energy, though that opens up teleporting shenanigans. EDIT: And still doesn't answer the "nearly-as-fast-as-light" problem; a ship at 0.8c will still wipe out all life on a planet it hits.

It'd have to be quite the missile to do something to a planetary core if it's a phasing-out-of-normal-reality type hyperdrive, wouldn't it? Although I suppose the sudden appearance of new mass could cause some shockwaves...

It was called Hyperspace, but it was basically a jump drive. I would, or course, run laboratory tests to see how it interacts with momentum. The actual missile would be a 'proof of concept' weapon: if it works then it shouldn't be too hard to set up more ships to do it, if not our enemy will likely never know.

This is why, in my setting, ships rarely actually move faster than 0.1c. They will still do lots of damage, but the trick they use for FTL is to use extra dimensions to find a shorter route (up to 1/100 of the original distance, mostly between 1/2 and 1/4, depends on navigator skill* and the drive model), and so I can restrict it to just relativistic physics instead of having to work out some equations for energy and momentum at FTL speeds.

*Most navigators do intra-system work, and don't need to get used to many dimensions. To get to another star system in a reasonable amount of time, you ideally want an Esper skilled in Navigation (Hyperspace) and the Astronavigation psionic power.

[GrayGriffin]

* Not allowed to make Yugioh jokes when another character gets a magic item that lets a spirit possess him for more power.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Not allowed to make Yugioh jokes when another character gets a magic item that lets a spirit possess him for more power.

** May not suggest you get him a Deck of Illusions to use as his weapons.

[Sith_Happens]

using quickness, Technology, inventor and rote actions in the first group to design and build an invention per combat round as a M&M buffer build

This is genius.

[Anonymouswizard]

This is genius.

It requires your GM to not place PL limits on powers, but I think it would be really fun, especially as the example version I made for the group had basically no combat skills of his own. I worked out how to get it down to being able to make the check in a combat round, but I struggled getting a way to make it a rote action without losing a stupid number of points.

I actually got the idea from another thing on here though, the 'my solution to everything cannot be "advance scientific knowledge by a century"' one.

[Sith_Happens]

It requires your GM to not place PL limits on powers, but I think it would be really fun, especially as the example version I made for the group had basically no combat skills of his own. I worked out how to get it down to being able to make the check in a combat round, but I struggled getting a way to make it a rote action without losing a stupid number of points.

Technology, (20 – INT) ranks [<10 points]
Inventor [1 point]
Skill Mastery: Technology [1 point]
Quickness 18 (Limited to inventing) [6 points]

Total: <18 points

I'm not sure which part you thought was going to cost "a stupid number of points" or which part was supposedly going to be limited by power level.:smallconfused:

[Anonymouswizard]

Technology, (20 – INT) ranks [<10 points]
Inventor [1 point]
Skill Mastery: Technology [1 point]
Quickness 18 (Limited to inventing) [6 points]

Total: <18 points

I'm not sure which part you thought was going to cost "a stupid number of points"

I had a more complex way to do it and didn't limit quickness to inventing. It's also been a while since I've gone over the maths, so I probably misremembered the cost.


or which part was supposedly going to be limited by power level.:smallconfused:

Since the first GM I played with decided that powers can't exceed your Power Level my entire group decided that that was an official rule and insisted that I was just misreading the character limits section (I reread it and discovered that people had extrapolated on the effective limits on damaging and affliction powers). They still insist the build isn't legal. Hence the 'GM must not put PL limits on powers'.

I get why the GM did it, because he also limited magic to PL-3. He just didn't want anybody to accidentally be more powerful than the rest of us.

[Socratov]

yes, I am aware these were from a couple of pages ago, but I can't resist replying on these. No worries though, tax incoming...


I'm presuming those have some sort of prank effect I'm not familiar with in beverages in very large quantity?
Although turmeric in coffee sounds rather vile on its own, prank or no. Garam masala coffee sounds interesting and cinnamon is decent in winter.

As an aside, I have yet to be convinced that paprika has a taste. In my experience--and I will say I don't buy from a high-end spice merchant--it's just red powder useful solely for color.

EDIT: Also as an aside, I no longer work at the office that prompted such a massive caffeine habit (used to start the day with half a pot, a No-Dōz, and a couple energy drinks, a bit less than the critical tipping-point that pushed it from "can barely pass for human instead of a zombie" to "Kwisatz Haderach"--there is no middle ground--and thus no longer rely on hear-exploding quantities of caffeine to function).
Cinnamon and coffee together create something that is actually effectively nourishing the soul. I have tried it on myself and a friend of mine and it is indeed nourishing for the soul and shoudl be drunk at every sad of dead-tired occasion. I myself could it life- or soulelixer.

As for paprika, it's a red colour that adds a bit of sweetness and umami (or that hearty flavour if you will). Some paprika will add a bit of heat or spiciness, and you can even buy smoked paprika for a real smokey flavour (great to add to meat in combination with brown sugar (not the cane sugar kind though).

Nope, the entire joke is that they are spices. I'll try spicing my coffee tomorrow though.



I don't, there aren't any proper spice merchants in the UK. I personally find paprika to be a very weak chilli, if it put it in the food becomes slightly hotter, but not as much as cayane.
please do. It's delicious. but that is not hte purpose of paprika, but of chili and cayenne. Or piment if you will.

Use some sort of teabag or put them in the filter with the grounds is my suggestion. Otherwise you'll have very grainy coffee.
nope, for cinnamon create cinnamonsugar: in a big pot (like the ones you can find a pound of beans in), put a table spoon of finely ground cinnamon, fill up for 2/3rds with sugar, shake vigorously until you see no more white patches and there you have it: the soul in your coffee.


I buy Sriracha by the quart every month or so and consider it fairly mild, medium in massive quantities, so I'm not the most reliable Scoville meter. :smalltongue:

Edit: And yet the tiniest amount of wasabi destroys me...not the same kind of heat, though. That stuff goes right to the sinuses.

you know you aren't supposed to snort wasabi, right?:smallamused:

*may not weaponise spices in DnD
**there is no such thing as a spice merchant class in DnD
***No, it's not "just like a wizard, but mundane"
****No, my character may not be named any of the following, or any variations thereof: S. Coville, Schmidt, Starr, Dol, or any other pain related scientist.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot put my doctor through NAIS 3 times just to nab higher skills.
** Cannot sell back the two extra well equipped traits I have for more INT.
*** If I have to start rolling for liver problems or am required to take pilot/wheelchair I should stop using the life path.
**** My character cannot be older than all the others combined.
***** Cannot take 5 points of negative traits just to nab title.
****** Cannot take an additional 4 points to bump it up to baron instead of count.
******* Thinking about it, I'll reroll as a face (this was refused, as I had to be in the military).

* High level clerics do not have to move diagonally when on duty.

[Reltzik]

***I do not get XP for the BBEG if I make him fail a ride check and fall off a cliff by casting Move Earth.

**** May not top this off with a Bond one-liner of "Did the Earth Move for you?", "Ride goeth before the fall," or "That first step's a 'dozer."

[JAL_1138]

"Ride goeth before the fall,"

:smallbiggrin: That's fantastic and I wish to Pelor that I'd thought of it! The DM might've killed me on the spot, though :smallbiggrin:

[Reltzik]

The secret death-wish goal of every gamer.

[JAL_1138]

The secret death-wish goal of every gamer.

To die with a smug grin still on their face when the DM leaps the table and strangles them?

...ok, yeah, pretty much. :smallbiggrin:

[Rater202]

*Preemptively banned from using magnet release based cursed sealing techniques to force my enemies into compromising poses.

[JAL_1138]

*May not get awarded Inspiration for freezing in place at the table when my character gets hit with Hold Person or other paralysis.

[goto124]

To die with a smug grin still on their face when the DM leaps the table and strangles them?

* May not ask for opposed Grapple checks IRL.

[Rater202]

*My PC is not allowed to deflect mockery by jokingly claiming that he's better than the mocker due to his blood being purple instead of red.
**Especially if he has no idea what Homestuck is.
***And the mocker just made several homestuck referances.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot install reverse in the spaceship.
** Cannot disable reverse and cut the breaks.
*** Even if it's to the BBEG's ship and I just took the last escape pod.
**** Even if I just aimed it at their base.
***** Cannot aim it at the closest catgirl.
****** If my doctor causes the Clans to invade early I should probably plead guilty.
******* Cannot try to get out of it by being the one noncombatant in the party.

* My tour of duty cannot be longer than my remaining lifespan.
** How did I manage to get a 90 year old PC anyway?
*** Cannot go through NAIS 14 times.

[Sith_Happens]

* I may not have any Demon PC's Final Secret be a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy quote.
** I may not have all of the PCs' Final Secrets be Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy quotes.
** Especially not "We apologize for the inconvenience."
*** "So long and thanks for all the fish" is right out.
*** "42" will get me smacked upside the head with the nearest rule book.
* The God-Machine is not an even more powerful and alien being's egg timer.
** It is most certainly not said being's toaster.
* While the idea that the God-Machine was made by aliens is reasonable, the players would not appreciate the genre shift caused by my hinting at such in-game.

[Anonymouswizard]

* I may not have any Demon PC's Final Secret be a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy quote.
** I may not have all of the PCs' Final Secrets be Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy quotes.
** Especially not "We apologize for the inconvenience."
*** "So long and thanks for all the fish" is right out.
*** "42" will get me smacked upside the head with the nearest rule book.
* The God-Machine is not an even more powerful and alien being's egg timer.
** It is most certainly not said being's toaster.
* While the idea that the God-Machine was made by aliens is reasonable, the players would not appreciate the genre shift caused by my hinting at such in-game.

How about 'What do you get when you multiply six by nine?'

[DigoDragon]

* No longer allowed to weaponize honesty.

[GPuzzle]

*The Paladin may not remove her entire armor and clothes underneath to atone for her sins.

*The Druid does not claim that he has magical powers in his blood.

*When the Sorcerer's the most sober member of the group, something's gone wrong.

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not remove all of my clothing except for my armour.
** May not point out that that is a dumb idea and return to wearing clothes under it.
*** Please can I use anachronistic underwear!?
**** Especially not by using the words 'we should send the female party members down first, so nobody sees under their skirts'.
***** Cannot follow this up with 'any female party members in trousers can go in the marching spot they please'.
****** Cannot be embarrassed that somebody saw my shirt.
******* Cannot respond to character's trying to look up my character's skirt with 'why do you think she wears modesty shorts?'
******** If I am playing a female character stripped to their underwear for any reason, cannot pull out my character sketches specifically showing that it covers more than the soldier's armour. Especially if it's obviously a single piece swimsuit.
********* Cannot give practical reasons for such garments.
********** Especially if it means the doctor is STILL more heavily armoured than the soldier.

[JAL_1138]

*May not spend more time looking for a picture of a suitable hat for my character than filling out the character sheet.


*May not sew a bag of holding into my hat, so I can pull the entire polearms list, a spare suit of armor, a sling with ammo, a mace, a camp-hatchet, a hammer, iron pitons, a spare set of clothes, a pup-tent, a barrel of beer, a shovel, a backpack full of miscellaneous gear, 100ft of rope, a torch, a frying pan, a cooking pot, a lute, a flute, bagpipes, a harp, a kitchen sink that I put in there just to make that joke, and a half-dozen spare hats (without bags of holding in them, since that would be very very bad) out of it whenever the plot demands.
**May not sew a bag of holding into the back pocket of my trousers so I can pull similar random useful items out of my a#%.

[goto124]

** May not make TF2 jokes.

[Anonymouswizard]

** May not make TF2 jokes.

*** This hat does not require thousands of GP to wear for 12 seconds.
**** Cannot keep a spare hat in my trousers of holding, in addition to the spare trousers in my hat of holding.
***** Cannot sew bags of holding to the spares.

[GPuzzle]

*** This hat does not require thousands of GP to wear for 12 seconds.
**** Cannot keep a spare hat in my trousers of holding, in addition to the spare trousers in my hat of holding.
***** Cannot sew bags of holding to the spares.
****** No longer allowed to play an Artificer in order to build Teleporters to the bags of holding.
******* At least you're not building Mini-Sentries...
******** I should've kept my mouth shut.

[JAL_1138]

** May not make TF2 jokes.

*Must eventually play TF2 if my character is going to be this obsessed with hats.

[DigoDragon]

** May not make TF2 jokes.

*** Making Half-Life 2 Episode 3 jokes in Shadowrun is old hat.

[Anonymouswizard]

*** Making Half-Life 2 Episode 3 jokes in Shadowrun is old hat.

**** Half-life √8 (1sf) is still a rumour in 2070.

[JAL_1138]

*May not suggest that HL3 is a fairy-tale parents tell their children--"Maybe if you're really really good, Gaben will release Half-Life 3," they'll say; a bit of hope, a false promise, a lie to keep them brave and moral in the dark times when the nights grow long, the winds grow cold, the cellar grows bare, and the wolves come for the flock.

[GPuzzle]

*May not suggest that HL3 is a fairy-tale parents tell their children--"Maybe if you're really really good, Gaben will release Half-Life 3," they'll say; a bit of hope, a false promise, a lie to keep them brave and moral in the dark times when the nights grow long, the winds grow cold, the cellar grows bare, and the wolves come for the flock.

**May not steal that for a rap album.

[Rater202]

***May not insist that HL3 is done and being improved upon graphically all the time and tweaked when imported to new consoles and that they're planning to release it as soon as people stop asking when it's coming out.

[JAL_1138]

***May not insist that HL3 is done and being improved upon graphically all the time and tweaked when imported to new consoles and that they're planning to release it as soon as people stop asking when it's coming out.

****May not point out that waiting until hype has died off and general interest has waned to the point where no one's even asking about it to release a product seems like a terrible marketing strategy.

[Rater202]

****May not point out that waiting until hype has died off and general interest has waned to the point where no one's even asking about it to release a product seems like a terrible marketing strategy.

*****But it's the only reason I can think of for it taking this long.

*My character telling her family history should not, in any way, involve explaining the time her great great great she forgets how many greats grandfather got the wrong idea after reading a dirty novel.

[JAL_1138]

**My character may not give a different backstory each time, using the Charlatan background as cover for being wishy-washy about what I want the details to be.

[Anonymouswizard]

* The semiautomatic assault hospital is banned, even in Mechwarrior.
** The less said about the repeating Care Bear the better.
*** 'Full-auto battle pony'?

[DigoDragon]

*** 'Full-auto battle pony'?

**** Banned from subscribing to the newsletters of anon wizards.

[JAL_1138]

*May not attempt to breed a Giant Space Hamster which naturally develops a pair of organic self-loading repeating crossbows firing modified porcupine-like quills as it matures.
**(G)NO GNOMES.

[Hiro Protagonest]

*May not attempt to breed a Giant Space Hamster which naturally develops a pair of organic self-loading repeating crossbows firing modified porcupine-like quills as it matures.
**(G)NO GNOMES.

*Cannot make a character whose goal is to capture a Legendary Hamster (http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Suicune_(Pokémon))

[Cazero]

**(G)NO GNOMES.

***(G)NO GNOMES is NOT a double negative implicitly inviting me to play one

[Bucky]

*While I may still invite Lantern Archons to disco parties, I may NOT encourage them to sweep the dance floor with light rays.

[Sith_Happens]

*Cannot make a character whose goal is to capture a Legendary Hamster (http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Suicune_(Pokémon))

You're going to have to explain to me in what way Suicune is at all like a hamster.:smallconfused:

[Hiro Protagonest]

You're going to have to explain to me in what way Suicune is at all like a hamster.:smallconfused:

It's a joke about how people insist they're "beasts". A Let's Player called ChuggaaConroy did a Crystal LP where he declared them hamsters.

It is sort of an in-joke, but I was hoping that the fact that they're just called "legendary beasts" would be enough and I wouldn't have to ruin it with an explanation. Ah well.

[Ksheep]

****May not point out that waiting until hype has died off and general interest has waned to the point where no one's even asking about it to release a product seems like a terrible marketing strategy.

It worked for Starcraft 2 and TF2. Not so much for Duke Nuk'em Forever, tho…

[Lord Torath]

* May not have my mage carry a spear and use it like a quarterstaff to disguise the fact that he's a mage.
** Even if he dresses in shirt and breeches instead of a robe.
*** The Somatic Concealment NWP/Skill is right out, especially if it will prevent the bad guys from "Geeking the Mage First"
**** Even if I sent the DM a scan of my character sheet and the Somatic Concealment rule beforehand. :smallannoyed:

[Cazero]

It worked for Starcraft 2 and TF2.

Not sure about TF2, but Starcraft 2 actually works better if you forget that the first one existed and that Starcraft Ghost was cancelled.

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not have my mage carry a spear and use it like a quarterstaff to disguise the fact that he's a mage.
** Even if he dresses in shirt and breeches instead of a robe.
*** The Somatic Concealment NWP/Skill is right out, especially if it will prevent the bad guys from "Geeking the Mage First"
**** Even if I sent the DM a scan of my character sheet and the Somatic Concealment rule beforehand. :smallannoyed:

***** My fighter cannot wear robes, a pointy hat, fight with a quarterstaff (used as a great club, because they were more dealt than a club), and start every battle by chanting magical gibberish.
******* The heavily buffed cleric with a greatsword should not stuff their holy symbol in their backpack to avoid agro.

[DigoDragon]

* May not have my mage carry a spear and use it like a quarterstaff to disguise the fact that he's a mage.
** Even if he dresses in shirt and breeches instead of a robe.

I've gone both ways-- had a fighter who disguised himself as a wizard in fancy robes and a wizard who disguised himself in chainmail armor. It was fun... and now that I think about the body count they caused in their disguises, yeah probably why it's banned. XD

[JAL_1138]

*In addition to not being allowed to pass for a variety of classes while dressed in a manner that could plausibly fit any of them (as previously mentioned), my bard may not pass for a fighter while dressed as the bardiest bard that ever barded in the history of bards and wielding nothing but a variety of musical instruments.
**Cannot do so by making a grapple check instead of a bluff check.

[Reltzik]

* When the DM announces that he is going to give us hero points (usable to do awesome stuff that normally wouldn't be within the realm of the rules) as compensation for when he railroads us back onto the plot against our will, we may not promptly use those hero points to derail the plot again.
** Not allowed to coordinate our use of hero points to ensure our derails cost us less than the rerails net us.
*** ... those rules against derailing the plot with hero points are NOT a tacit invitation to go back to derailing it through more conventional means!
**** Even if that earns us more hero points net!
***** Not allowed to blame the DM for his failure to recognize what he was really incentivizing.
****** No, the DM is NOT the reason that the plot is on fire!

[Anonymouswizard]

* When derailing the plot may not say 'this is the last stop, can you please all get off before the train explodes.'
** Cannot derail the plot by convincing the entire party to buy the wrong plane ticket.
*** Cannot sacrifice the BBEG to increase the mana level in the modern world.

[spineyrequiem]

* No accusing fellow party members of cowardice for resting when injured.
* The apothecary knocked the jar off her shelf to indicate she'd been kidnapped. No picking it up and waving it in the face of everyone I meet while loudly demanding information about it.
* My character may not speak entirely in dramatic speeches involving reference to made-up bible stories.
* Before asking if I can bum a ***, have to check whether the game's set in Britain or rural Alabama.

[JAL_1138]

*May not down the boss before it gets a single hit in by nat-20'ing initiative, successfully hitting Hold Person, and letting a Sharpshooter Battlemaster, a Great Weapon Master Battlemaster, a Great Weapon Master Paladin, a Two-Weapon Fighting Rogue, and a Moon Druid in brown bear form all go to town on it.

[DigoDragon]

*May not down the boss before it gets a single hit in by nat-20'ing initiative, successfully hitting Hold Person, and letting a Sharpshooter Battlemaster, a Great Weapon Master Battlemaster, a Great Weapon Master Paladin, a Two-Weapon Fighting Rogue, and a Moon Druid in brown bear form all go to town on it.

I've watched a six-member party all crit-hit simultaneously on the BBEG green dragon from a single AoO incident. Something like 150 points of damage was dealt right there and the poor dragon had maybe half that in remaining HP (And he had a major CON buff to). :smalltongue:

[JAL_1138]

I've watched a six-member party all crit-hit simultaneously on the BBEG green dragon from a single AoO incident. Something like 150 points of damage was dealt right there and the poor dragon had maybe half that in remaining HP (And he had a major CON buff to). :smalltongue:

It's times like that you almost feel sorry for the big bad.

Almost. :smalltongue:

[Rater202]

*I may not take inspiration for oneshots from Indie Games.
**Especially not unreleased Indie Games
***Especially not FNAF 4.

[Reltzik]

It's times like that you almost feel sorry for the big bad DM.

Almost. :smalltongue:

Fixed that for you.

[Sith_Happens]

* Before asking if I can bum a ***, have to check whether the game's set in Britain or rural Alabama.

http://images.sodahead.com/polls/000922451/fg_nose_milk_xlarge.jpeg

[Anonymouswizard]

* Before asking if I can bum a ***, have to check whether the game's set in Britain or rural Alabama.

:smallbiggrin:
* Cannot cook ******s, even if I have a bag of them, even if this is set in England, even if I'm doing them in gravy.
** Normal meatballs are tasty anyway.
*** Cannot follow this by sleeping with my boyfriend.

[GPuzzle]

*Wales is not filled with Cthulhu cultists.
**Even if their city names would suggest otherwise.

[JAL_1138]

*Wales is not filled with Cthulhu cultists.
**Even if their city names would suggest otherwise.

***Lake Chargoggagoggmanchaoggagoggchaubunaguhgamaugg in Massachusetts isn't either.

[Anonymouswizard]

*Wales is not filled with Cthulhu cultists.
**Even if their city names would suggest otherwise.

*** There is more to Wales than sheep and hills.
**** The singular of sheep is sheep, not shep.
***** The sheep do not worship elder gods.

[JAL_1138]

***** The sheep do not worship elder gods.

******Um. You sure?

http://www.hearyshoofheartedfarm.com/uploads/6/7/3/6/6736738/6529770_orig.jpg

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/02/49/7d/02497d43d117445a07c10be066a13601.jpghttp://s240831787.onlinehome.us/laffing-horsev3/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Boomer-270x300.jpghttps://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/43/Jacob_sheep_skull.jpg

[Anonymouswizard]

******Um. You sure?

http://www.hearyshoofheartedfarm.com/uploads/6/7/3/6/6736738/6529770_orig.jpg

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/02/49/7d/02497d43d117445a07c10be066a13601.jpghttp://s240831787.onlinehome.us/laffing-horsev3/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Boomer-270x300.jpghttps://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/43/Jacob_sheep_skull.jpg

******* I'm certain, the sheep told me so. :smallwink:

* 'The Night Santa Went Crazy' is not a good name for a Christmas themed Call of Cthulhu game.
** I cannot attempt to actually put this adventure together for the second year running.
*** Santa Claus is not an elder god who killed and replaced Father Christmas.

[JAL_1138]

******* I'm certain, the sheep told me so. :smallwink:

* 'The Night Santa Went Crazy' is not a good name for a Christmas themed Call of Cthulhu game.
** I cannot attempt to actually put this adventure together for the second year running.
*** Santa Claus is not an elder god who killed and replaced Father Christmas.

****Although the time the physical embodiment of Death replaced the local world's equivalent went rather well.

[Anonymouswizard]

****Although the time the physical embodiment of Death replaced the local world's equivalent went rather well.

***** May no longer base any part of the campaign on Discworld.
****** Even if it would make development more realistic.

* I cannot ban vanilla clerics, and instead require all priests to be of their deity's mythos with wildly varying powers and spell access.
** Cannot make wizards extremely rare, under the assumption that priests have limited research into magic not granted by the gods.
*** Cannot replace vanilla casters with versions who spontaneously cast spells (part of the motivation for priests having reduced spell access).

[DigoDragon]

Fixed that for you.

Well, I was the DM for that encounter and no, the players did not feel sorry for me. So I guess that's accurate. :smalltongue:

[JAL_1138]

Fixed that for you.

In my case, I *almost* felt sory for the BBEG, but the DM didn't get even that much sympathy. The room was packed full of a dozen other tough monsters, and we still nearly lost some people.

[Oberon Kenobi]

*When playing a cat in Nobilis, I may not blow half my miraculous power on an Aspect miracle of speed to "actually catch the red dot."
**If I do catch the red dot, I may not leave its body in somebody else's shoe as a present.


'The Night Santa Went Crazy' is not a good name for a Christmas themed Call of Cthulhu game.I had to read that three times before I stopped reading 'Night Santa' as being the name of an entity who evidently went crazy. :P

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not play an awakened cat rogue 1.
** May not spend all my time making move silently checks while wandering the wizard university.
*** If the dining hall has just removed all tables, cannot complain.

[Rater202]

*When playing a cat in Nobilis, I may not blow half my miraculous power on an Aspect miracle of speed to "actually catch the red dot."
**If I do catch the red dot, I may not leave its body in somebody else's shoe as a present.

This is too funny.

[GPuzzle]

*Rape, pillage and burn is a good technique for the villains, not for the heroes.
**Even if the "heroes" are normal soldiers of the Axis, and the "villains" are Soviet cultists of the Elder Ones.

*May not use Call of Cthulhu to recreate Neon Genesis Evangelion.
**May not use Call of Cathulhu either.

[Anonymouswizard]

* When playing 4e, cannot throw those who don't believe in the Great Wheel off the surface of Sigil.
** Can I please stop using 'Berk' and 'pike'?
*** Cannot reason that belief shapes the universe, and so the only reason the cosmology is different is because some idiot thought it would be funny, and travel the planes convincing people of the Great Wheel.
**** Cannot bring the other alignments back by believing hard eno-
***** Why are devils now listed as 'lawful evil'?

[Rater202]

*It is a bad day when the person with the mental and emotional capacity of a teenager and the life experiences of a four year old raised in a lab by sociopathic scientists and soldiers is more mature than a world's patron god.

[Lord Raziere]

** Its a really bad day when even the fate-seeing tigerfolk sage has no idea how to solve this situation and has to check fate twice to get a real clue.

[Strigon]

***** The sheep do not worship elder gods.

****** Maybe not, but https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wake_up_sheeple.png

Rather than browse through the xkcd archives, I chose to Google "wake up sheeple". I deeply regret this decision.

[JAL_1138]

*May not suggest that since the planes and the gods are fueled by and changed by belief, so are the concepts of Good and Evil themselves, meaning that morality is technically relativist based on multiversal consensus.
**Seriously, it started an argument on the forum here.
***If the players reject relativist morality, may not make Good a completely factual, objective, scientifically-measurable quality based on comparison to a known standard.
****May not make the basis of that measurement a comparison to a particular individual being.
*****Ok, it does sort of make sense for the aforesaid being, if such being exists, to reside on the uppermost pinnacle of Mount Celestia, which is accessible only to the most holy and from whence none have ever returned.
******This being may not be a once-mortal petitioner rather than a celestial or deity, although now elevated to eternal and quasi-celestial/divine status.
*******Ok, it does sort of make sense that the aforesaid being would have had a Persuasion ability while alive beyond the abilities of ordinary mortals, able to sway and teach not only individuals but entire nations, their law-givers and highest courts, with even a single speech.
********And it makes sense that such a being would be remembered for boundless and unqualified kindness to all, regardless of ability, wealth, power, or social standing.
*******It also makes sense for this being to watch over and care for the souls of children and other innocents.
********The soul that serves as the objective standard of measurement for Good in the multiverse may not be Mister Rogers.

[goto124]

Rather than browse through the xkcd archives, I chose to Google "wake up sheeple". I deeply regret this decision.

* May not suggest you google 'site:xkcd.com wake up sheeple'.

[Anonymouswizard]

* 'It worked on the great wheel' is not a good reason to try anything on the material plane.

[Lord Raziere]

* My Night Caste does not throw roses to solve everything in combat.
** My Night Caste's name is not "False Face of Gentlemanly Raiment"
*** Nor does he goes around randomly yelling encouragement to Lunars running from the Wyld Hunt then disappearing just as as suddenly as he appeared
**** He is not in fact the greatest badass ever in Creation.

[Hawkstar]

*May not run a Delta Green or other paranormal investigation game one-shot set in Wayside School.
** It may not be an excuse to get the entire party stuck on the 19th story with cascading sanity checks, so they pick up kids they do not have, return to a home they do not own on a street that does not exist, and continue to live lives that aren't theirs.
*** Next session, may not pretend that I accidentally missed the previous session, and want to run that Delta Green game.

* May not introduce my players to orcish spearmen... who, halfway through the encounter, turn out to be Orcish Pole-Vaulters.
** May not follow up the Orcish Spear-Vaulters with Orcish Shield-surfers.
*** The shield-surfers cannot be followed by boom-box wielding surfers, and Orcish Tourists.
**Neither Orcish Shield Surfers nor Spear-Vaulters may be followed up by the Helorcopters (Orcnithopters?) of the Orcish Airborne infantry - orcs that spin double-axes above them so fast that they fly and shred all foes in their path.
*** Cannot have the Orcish Airborn Infantry launch from Helorcarriers.
**** One Helorcarrier cannot be the Orcvenger's Helorcarrier, transporting Captain Orcmerica, Black Widorc, Roceye, Orichalcum Orc, The Incredible Horc, and Thorc.
* ... may no longer use Orcs in my campaigns.

[JBPuffin]

* ... may no longer use Orcs in my campaigns.

No, no you cannot :P.

*May no longer use accents for characters...ANY characters.
** Yes, even that one.
***I don't care how long you've been practicing, just stop it :smallannoyed:

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot suggest systems that the other group members have never heard of.
** Especially if it's just because I don't like Mutants & Masterminds (it's the strange settingless setting, either be generic or give me a setting! This applies to D&D as well).
*** If I make the players use pregenerated characters the selection cannot lack a bruiser and a 'shooty sneaky guy', despite how boring it is that they show up every single time.
**** When the PCs eventually end up close to losing their minds because NOBODY EVER LISTENS WHEN I EXPLAIN THE BASIC PREMISE I should use a deus ex machina to save them, not go 'tough, you shouldn't have used Overed powers as hammers instead of extremely large scapels'.

[JAL_1138]

*The Discworld principle of Narrative Causality does not exist in Planescape.
**The villain of the "Tales From The Infinite Staircase" campaign is not The Hero With A Thousand Faces, driven mad by awareness of his serial reincarnation and the memories of a billion lives, going back so far that he remembers when the very concept of gods was first imagined, fire was first tamed, stone tools were first developed, and magic was first discovered, and in several cases being the one responsible.
***The creativity-sapping malaise called the Iron Shadow that the module in its original form revolves around is not to be revealed as the Hero's attempt to kill myths and stories so that he can finally die.
****The gods will not be revealed as frauds formed by the beliefs of their followers, having created nothing, and who falsely take credit for the Prime worlds that formed through natural processes, the planes that formed through the beliefs and energies of mortal souls, and species that evolved "naturally" (taking into account influence from the effects of naturally-occurring magical energies) or as a result of Narrative Causality.
*****The final confrontation will not take place in the true center of the multiverse, the site of which corresponds exactly to the location of the Spire when a map of a particular Prime world and a map of the Outlands are overlaid in a way that aligns terrain features.
******The location is not the ruins of the Temple of the Frog in Blackmoor (the first published adventure in TTRPG history), which the long-dead frog cultists unknowingly built upon the very spot where the multiverse first sprang into being.
*******The Hero With A Thousand Faces will not be an anti-climax boss who doesn't put up a fight once he learns he won't be reincarnating this time, thanking the party for an ending, once and for all.
*******The Hero's death will not result in the disappearance of Narrative Causality, and thus the end of fate; the disappearance of any divination magic that can predict the future; the fading of bardic music; the sudden collapse of numerous otherwise-inexplicable dungeons, organizations, and locations into disarray and chaos; the end of Medieval Stasis; the gradual but drastic reduction of monster population to what can adequately be supported by the local environs; the eventual extinction of several species of monster with no plausible ecological niche (nor any adequately-explained origin, "mad wizard" being adequate enough) aside from "story requirements;" the nerfing of any ostensibly-mortal NPC stronger than a Level 20 PC down to PC level--specifically the PC level they would have based on their own actual experience without the benefit of such trope-y contrivances such as Plot Armor, New Powers As The Plot Demands, and the like; the end of the guarantee of long-run status quo between Good, Neutrality, and Evil; and the end of any other various and sundry other gamist or narrativist contrivances not otherwise specified, since "the story" is gone from the nature of the multiverse for good.
********To compensate for the anticlimactic confrontation with the Hero With A Thousand Faces, may not throw in a fight with The Dragon (the beast of the Chaoskampf) at the party, though appearing without all of the accumulated powers of myths, legends, or later draconic evolution, and thus having stats derived (updated for balance where necessary) from White Box rather than the edition we're playing.
*********May not get that meta again.

[goto124]

* My Paladin of the Fourth Wall cannot read the above post, and shed tears.
** Of sadness or happiness?

[Draconium]

*The Discworld principle of Narrative Causality does not exist in Planescape.
**The villain of the "Tales From The Infinite Staircase" campaign is not The Hero With A Thousand Faces, driven mad by awareness of his serial reincarnation and the memories of a billion lives, going back so far that he remembers when the very concept of gods was first imagined, fire was first tamed, stone tools were first developed, and magic was first discovered, and in several cases being the one responsible.
***The creativity-sapping malaise called the Iron Shadow that the module in its original form revolves around is not to be revealed as the Hero's attempt to kill myths and stories so that he can finally die.
****The gods will not be revealed as frauds formed by the beliefs of their followers, having created nothing, and who falsely take credit for the Prime worlds that formed through natural processes, the planes that formed through the beliefs and energies of mortal souls, and species that evolved "naturally" (taking into account influence from the effects of naturally-occurring magical energies) or as a result of Narrative Causality.
*****The final confrontation will not take place in the true center of the multiverse, the site of which corresponds exactly to the location of the Spire when a map of a particular Prime world and a map of the Outlands are overlaid in a way that aligns terrain features.
******The location is not the ruins of the Temple of the Frog in Blackmoor (the first published adventure in TTRPG history), which the long-dead frog cultists unknowingly built upon the very spot where the multiverse first sprang into being.
*******The Hero With A Thousand Faces will not be an anti-climax boss who doesn't put up a fight once he learns he won't be reincarnating this time, thanking the party for an ending, once and for all.
*******The Hero's death will not result in the disappearance of Narrative Causality, and thus the end of fate; the disappearance of any divination magic that can predict the future; the fading of bardic music; the sudden collapse of numerous otherwise-inexplicable dungeons, organizations, and locations into disarray and chaos; the end of Medieval Stasis; the gradual but drastic reduction of monster population to what can adequately be supported by the local environs; the eventual extinction of several species of monster with no plausible ecological niche (nor any adequately-explained origin, "mad wizard" being adequate enough) aside from "story requirements;" the nerfing of any ostensibly-mortal NPC stronger than a Level 20 PC down to PC level--specifically the PC level they would have based on their own actual experience without the benefit of such trope-y contrivances such as Plot Armor, New Powers As The Plot Demands, and the like; the end of the guarantee of long-run status quo between Good, Neutrality, and Evil; and the end of any other various and sundry other gamist or narrativist contrivances not otherwise specified, since "the story" is gone from the nature of the multiverse for good.
********To compensate for the anticlimactic confrontation with the Hero With A Thousand Faces, may not throw in a fight with The Dragon (the beast of the Chaoskampf) at the party, though appearing without all of the accumulated powers of myths, legends, or later draconic evolution, and thus having stats derived (updated for balance where necessary) from White Box rather than the edition we're playing.
*********May not get that meta again.

*I may not get jealous because I would love this setup, and I doubt I'll ever get to play something so epic.

[goto124]

** May not ask why anyone would want to kill the Hero, assuming they know the consequences.

[Draconium]

** May not ask why anyone would want to kill the Hero, assuming they know the consequences.

*** May not respond with "Well, why wouldn't I?"

* When choosing my deity, may not pick Haruhi Suzumiya.
** Or Madoka Kaname.

[Sith_Happens]

* When choosing my deity, may not pick Haruhi Suzumiya.

** The correct response to "What makes you think she even exists in this setting" is not "As if something like that would keep her from granting spells."

[JAL_1138]

* My Paladin of the Fourth Wall cannot read the above post, and shed tears.
** Of sadness or happiness?

My Oath of the Ancients paladin may not comment "Sometimes we must weep even for the end of terrible things, horrible things--for terrible things may be nonetheless beautiful and wondrous, and though the world be better for their loss, still be lesser for it." (Particularly given how narcissistic that'd be of me, but I thought it was a hell of a line for an Ancients Paladin.)


** May not ask why anyone would want to kill the Hero, assuming they know the consequences.

Two parts to the answer:
A) They might not know the full extent of the consequences, and
B) Even if they knew, it would be the lesser of two evils, since the Iron Shadow obliterates all creativity and chaos in those it infects, rendering them little more than automata (it makes a modron look like Mozart in comparison), and depending on species and/or alignment can spur them to mindless violence and aggression or to simply lay down and die; it can spread easily and quickly through individual contact and through portals between worlds, and if not stopped while it's in its initial stages and can be counteracted, would spread to the entirety of the multiverse, destroying the Outer Planes (which function on belief, after all) and leaving a sterile, soulless world behind, without art, song, thought, or afterlife for those empty shells that survive.

I thought it fitting that there couldn't be a "happy" ending either way, when dealing with the end of stories as metaphysical properties of the multiverse.

[Rater202]

*Just because my charter has the blood of the god people in his veins and accidentally became the god-king of a backwater iron age city state, does not mean he's sufficiently godly to grant spells.
**Especially to himself.

[Oberon Kenobi]

*'Hipster Barista' is not a valid character concept for Vampire: The Requiem.
**My herd may not be the premium members of my trendy techno coffeehouse, with ten purchases earning the privilege of being drunk from.
***No, not even if I'm a Daeva.
****May not join the Ordo Dracul "Because Dracula was a Dracula before it was cool."

[Rater202]

*Everyone in the party learns at least one version of the Kamehameha.
**Everybody learns at least enough magic to use basic dragon clan healing techniques
***Telepathy goes on the list of things everybody learns
****Anyone who becomes immortal learns Kikoho.
*****The Bio-Android should probably teach the others Kaioken.

DBitP. the first three are suggestions another made, the fourth is one I made(we have two PCs planning to become immortal), and the last one is one I thought of as I was doing this.

[Lord Raziere]

****** Don't forget adding Instant Transmission to The List Of techniques Everyone Should Know if we ever learn how to do that. teleporting to literally anywhere in the universe is too useful to pass up.

[Rater202]

****** Don't forget adding Instant Transmission to The List Of techniques Everyone Should Know if we ever learn how to do that. teleporting to literally anywhere in the universe is too useful to pass up.

*******Both teleporation techniques are in the bio-android's genetic memory, he just has to access them.

[JAL_1138]

*Burt Gummer from Tremors is not an appropriate Call of Cthulhu character.

*My CoC character may not use a massive hallucinogen habit as insulation against SAN loss on the grounds that he's seen weirder after taking an ungodly amount of peyote, shrooms, and salvia at once (aka "Friday nights").

*My CoC character may not use "being Japanese" to insulate against SAN loss on the grounds that he's seen and read weirder and more terrible things. Even if he can unequivocally prove he has.
**May not cause the DM to fail a SAN check with a quick bit of googling.
***May not use anime and manga of an...adult nature to make the eldritch abomination fail a SAN check.

*The combination of the Polymorph spell, tightly-sealable iron containers, and the uncompressable nature of liquids is not a substitute for explosives.
**Not if I want my alignment to stay at neutral, anyway.

*My bard may not disrupt the strange ritual set to be conducted at midnight by the high priest of a demon cult by getting "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" stuck in the priests's head so he can't remember the incantations.
**May not do this in CoC either.

[illyahr]

*Burt Gummer from Tremors is not an appropriate Call of Cthulhu character.

What? Why not? :smallwink:

https://40.media.tumblr.com/158da7bd9045e3ebb34273cad8fa06e1/tumblr_npsepkbMUk1tsga55o1_500.jpg

[JAL_1138]

What? Why not? :smallwink:



Excessive quoting. And responding to betentacled horrors from the dawn of time with "a few household chemicals in the proper proportions" instead of san loss.

[Rater202]

I do belive "Kill it with fire*" is an appropriate response to lovecraftian horror.

Only the big boys are invincible, if I've got my mythos lore right.

*Can also be acid, hot lead, or explosions.

[Lord Torath]

*My bard may not disrupt the strange ritual set to be conducted at midnight by the high priest of a demon cult by getting "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" stuck in the priests's head so he can't remember the incantations.
**May not do this in CoC either.*** May not disrupt the game by getting "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" stuck in the DM's head either!
**** That's not what the Monster Manual means by "Ear Worm"!
***** Not THAT! ANYTHING but that!
****** I've got a lov-e-ly bunch of coconuts...

Seriously, that sounds like one of the best ways to disrupt a ceremony EVER!

[Anonymouswizard]

*** May not disrupt the game by getting "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" stuck in the DM's head either!
**** That's not what the Monster Manual means by "Ear Worm"!
***** Not THAT! ANYTHING but that!
****** I've got a lov-e-ly bunch of coconuts...

Seriously, that sounds like one of the best ways to disrupt a ceremony EVER!

******* Cannot substitute 'it's a small world'.

[Oberon Kenobi]

***May not use anime and manga of an...adult nature to make the eldritch abomination fail a SAN check.****Nor may I attempt to date (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DidYouJustRomanceCthulhu) said eldritch abomination. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nyaruko:_Crawling_with_Love)

[TurboGhast]

* 'It worked on the great wheel' is not a good reason to try anything on the material plane.
Joke addition
** Especially if you aren't even sure what cosmology this game is using.

[JAL_1138]

Joke addition
** Especially if you aren't even sure what cosmology this game is using.

***May not argue that due to the way the Great Wheel cosmology works, the game is technically using the Great Wheel anyway.

[Sith_Happens]

***May not argue that due to the way the Great Wheel cosmology works, the game is technically using the Great Wheel anyway.

**** I am to stop poking fun at the "poor ignorant planars who don't even know what a crystal sphere is."

[Dexam]

****Nor may I attempt to date (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DidYouJustRomanceCthulhu) said eldritch abomination. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nyaruko:_Crawling_with_Love)

*****May not point out that dating an eldritch abomination is a perfectly acceptable tactic, as C'thulhu has canonically been defeated by shipping (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Pun).

[Lord Raziere]

* Mandalorians are not Space Nords
** Mandalore is not a modern term for the Dovaahkin
*** May not start up the Dragonborn chant translated to Mando'a.
**** My next Star Wars character cannot be a Mandalorian somehow using the Force through his voice...

* Saiyans are not Kung Fu Space Nords
** May not call the King of the Saiyans the Dovaahkin
*** May not start up Dragonborn chant but replacing "Dovaahkin" with "Super-Saiyan"
**** my next DBZ character cannot be a Saiyan who knows how to use Ki to replicate the Thu'um.

[Rater202]

*If at any point in time I find myself playing a Frieza Clansman, Bio-Android, and a Majin at the same time(it's freeform), I should probably question why I didn't realize I'm a saiyan away from having all of the Main Saga Villains' races sooner.
**Just Because the party also includes Red Ribbon Androids, a Saiyan, and a Tuffle, does not mean we need to add a dragon, a Namekian, and whatever the hell Pilaf is to the party just because.

*If the Party includes a Technomancer who is proficient with all ranged weapons, a skilled Flyer, a Badass magic ninja, a Dragonborn(skyrim), and a double-Prince who is also a dragon, it's a bit odd that the PCs are all still in middle school.

[GPuzzle]

*There are no cultists towards whatever the hell is on Hentai.
**AH JESUS STOP WITH THE IMAGERY DESCRIPTION.

[JAL_1138]

*My bard does not need to play the soundtrack to the 1929 Disney Silly Symphony "The Skeleton Dance" in order to cast Animate Dead.

[Anonymouswizard]

*There are no cultists towards whatever the hell is on Hentai.
**AH JESUS STOP WITH THE IMAGERY DESCRIPTION.

*** Being Japanese does not get my character immunity to SAN loss.

[JAL_1138]

*There are no cultists towards whatever the hell is on Hentai.
**AH JESUS STOP WITH THE IMAGERY DESCRIPTION.


*** Being Japanese does not get my character immunity to SAN loss.

Beat you both to that one :smalltongue:




*My CoC character may not use "being Japanese" to insulate against SAN loss on the grounds that he's seen and read weirder and more terrible things. Even if he can unequivocally prove he has.
**May not cause the DM to fail a SAN check with a quick bit of googling.
***May not use anime and manga of an...adult nature to make the eldritch abomination fail a SAN check.

[goto124]

* May not cause anyone to fail SAN checks IRL.
** Whether it's the DM, other players, yourself, or the people around you.
*** Try not to get kicked out of the game store.

[JAL_1138]

*There is more to bardic magic than Heat Metal, Healing Word, abuse of the Polymorph spell, and Vicious Mockery.
**After several sessions, on second thought those were the least-disrupting things I could possibly do with spells and I am limited to those and no others at all.
***Not even Prestidigitation.

*I may not use Prestidigitation to create the smell of a rattlesnake right in front of the nose of someone's horse.

[Anonymouswizard]

* My Verditus should not be unable to cast spontaneous magic, ritual magic, and formulaic magic.
** Alright, I can take both weak and difficult spontaneous magic.
*** Why do I have more magical rings than the rest of the party has spare robes?
**** Cannot put all my XP into Muto.
***** Muto Vim does not let me change the enchantment on an item.
****** My response to a villain appearing should not be 'spend a season designing a Muto Mentum spell specifically for this villain'.
******** Must leave the lab.

[noob]

*I should not say "DND is too much complex I am going to do an abstraction of the rules concept".
**I should not say that classes and life rules no longer exists and that instead people get damage points and cheat points.
***I should not say that when you do a fight you just spend the good number of damage points for wining
****I should not say that cheat points are used to simulate the new abuses the players usually find and that once you do one particular abuse it can not be done again and that one cheat can allow to kill the BEE no matter where he is or to resurrect someone or to grab the mac guffin at the choice.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot ransack monopoly, put a chance card in an envelope, and give the sealed envelope to the GM, just in case we go to jail.
** Especially if that card is 'You won a Beauty contest, collect $50' and the GM never checks.
*** Cannot get out of jail by putting the 'go directly to jail, do not pass GO, do not collect $200' card in an envelope and bluffing.

[JAL_1138]

*Must eventually stop complaining about 4e now that it's been dead and buried for a year.

[Wookieetank]

*Must eventually stop complaining about 4e now that it's been dead and buried for a year.

Guess I should stop hating on 3e then...

*Not allowed to derail a thread with edition bashing.

[JAL_1138]

Guess I should stop hating on 3e then...

*Not allowed to derail a thread with edition bashing.

*Must not claim D20 was "that generic system they came up with as a GURPS alternative and licensed out to everybody."
**Must not claim that the "5" in 5e comes from (1) White Box OD&D -> (2) Basic D&D, counting Holmes, Moldvay+Cook-&-Marsh, Mentzer BECMI, and Allston RC as decimal-point sub-editions -> (3) AD&D 1e -> (4) AD&D 2e, being unified and renumbered after a 15-year hiatus in which WotC released no D&D material whatsoever after retiring the TSR brand in '99.
***Even if I'm using insane troll logic to make an obvious joke, someone will get mad, so I should lay off the edition-bashing.

[Mandark]

* Mandalorians are not Space Nords
** Mandalore is not a modern term for the Dovaahkin
*** May not start up the Dragonborn chant translated to Mando'a.
**** My next Star Wars character cannot be a Mandalorian somehow using the Force through his voice...


***** Probably shouldn't point out that Ithorians from the Star Wars Saga base book actually have four throats and have rules that let you shout at people.
****** Also probably shouldn't point out that it is possabłe to join the mandalorian culture would welcome someone who was willing and able to join.

[JAL_1138]

*My character may not pretend to be a foreign duke and roll so well on a string of persuasion checks that he negotiates a trade deal so beneficial to his home country that they have no recourse but to retroactively make him one.
**May not retire the character in the last quarter of the campaign (immediately upon being made a duke), leaving his long-running personal quest arc unfinished, so he can attend to his new duchy and serve the crown as his nation's leading diplomat.

[Oberon Kenobi]

*****May not point out that dating an eldritch abomination is a perfectly acceptable tactic, as C'thulhu has canonically been defeated by shipping (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Pun).http://media.giphy.com/media/VdA713I3sYinC/giphy.gif
And I like it!

*I may not punctuate the GM's dramatic opening narration with "Welcome... to Night Vale."

[GPuzzle]

*No longer allowed to base a character on Tiz from Bravely Default.
**Or Edea.
***Or Agnès.
****Much less Ringabel, for that matter.

*May not worship Palutena.
**Even if I am a Ranger|Cleric which is fluffed as an angel with wings that cannot fly.

[goto124]

* May not ask how all 4 Bravely Default characters will be like in a tabletop RPG.
** May not ask what system is to be used for them.

[GPuzzle]

* May not ask how all 4 Bravely Default characters will be like in a tabletop RPG.
** May not ask what system is to be used for them.
***As a DM, no longer allowed to recreate Bravely Default in RPG form.

[Oberon Kenobi]

*My ice-themed Bloodrager's Draconic name is not "Cirnovahkiin."
**Nor does the Force Missile Mage use "Danmaku" as a verbal spell component.

*I will not refer to a stealthy, rogueish Soulknife as a Ghostshiv.

[JAL_1138]

*I will not refer to a stealthy, rogueish Soulknife as a Ghostshiv.

*I will not waste time debating whether the victim was shanked with a shiv, shivved with a shank, shivved with a shiv, or shanked with a shank.

[Godie1803]

*Throwing my axe while yelling "MY AXE" is not an acceptable response to the question "who dares challenge *insert boss's name here*?!
**May not parade said boss's head on a spike in front of the surviving goblins and make them surrender just to slay them all immediately
**May not set said goblin's village on fire afterwards

[Lord Raziere]

* I am not "The Axe King, King of Axes"
** My followers do not constantly chant "AXE KING, KING OF AXES! AXE KING, KING OF AXES! AXE KING, KING OF AXES!" on and on every time I have a victory
*** Furthermore my actual name cannot be "Meraxes"
**** It is therefore logical to assume that I cannot introduce myself as "Axe King Meraxes, King of Axes of the Kingdom of Axes, and this is my Axe, Axe Prince, Prince of Axes Meraxes The Second"
***** My Axe isn't my heir to the throne of Axe King, King of Axes of the Kingdom of Axes
****** To have a legitimate heir to the position of Axe King, King of Axes of the Kingdom of Axes I have to marry an Axe Princess, Princess of Axes so that she may become an Axe Queen, Queen of Axes of the Kingdom of Axes, and do the proper joyous procedures to produce a son who will be the Axe Prince, Prince of Axes who will of course eventually grow up to become the next Axe King, King of Axes of the Kingdom of Axes.

[FabulousFizban]

*I may not use Prestidigitation to create the smell of a rattlesnake right in front of the nose of someone's horse.

Actual. ****ing. Genius.

[goto124]

**?** Cannot have a Kingdom of the Axemen.
**?**+1 NO PUNS!

** Cannot ask what a rattlesnake smells like.

[Lord Raziere]

**?** Cannot have a Kingdom of the Axemen.
**?**+1 NO PUNS!


9* The proper term is not "Axe Men, Men of Axes of the Kingdom of Axes"
10* or for the women, "Axe Women, Women of Axes of the Kingdom of Axes"
11* canot retroactively revise all that to change the lands name to "Axe Kingdom, Kingdom of Axes"

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot play a Ranger/Ranger dual class.
** Or a fighter/mage/cleric multiclads who dual classes.

[JAL_1138]

Actual. ****ing. Genius.

:smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin: Prestidigitation (or "Cantrip," in 2e) is one of the most useful spells there is, with a little work. :smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin:



** Cannot ask what a rattlesnake smells like.

***May not respond "Eh, 'bout the same as a copperhead."

(IRL, even to us humans, snakes have a fairly distinctive reptilian smell (in the case of pets, not a very strong or bad smell if their tank is kept clean, but you can still detect it). It's been a long time since I've been anywhere near a rattlesnake so I can't say it's any different from "generic snake" or even if it's any different from another reptile altogether like an iguana. Head to the reptile section of a large-ish pet store and you'll probably notice it once you're close to the tanks.)

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot destroy the BBEG's fortress with one action from several miles away.
** Can I please leave the lab!?

[JAL_1138]

*When asked what my motivation is for adventuring, it apparently has to be something more than "I keep getting into situations where I'm one of the four or five people competent enough to do something about the problem right now, and I have too much of a conscience to buzz off and say it's not my problem. I can help, so I do. That's my motive."
**When asked about my character's long-term goals, the response apparently can't be "Discover the Demiplane of Infinite Beer and Beautiful Nudes of Various Attractive Species and settle there permanently. Alternatively, make a decent and reasonably uneventful living from a variety of relatively harmless confidence schemes against shadier or otherwise less-savory or more-corrupt people than me, and/or playing the lute and telling stories in taverns with the case open. But that's not going to happen, because even if I found enough gold to have me set for life, there's always bandits, or an orc warband, or an evil cult, or a mysterious curse on the crops, or a red dragon, or even just some stupid kid getting lost in the woods, and I help people."