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View Full Version : Horrible Puns I: Just for pun



Inevitability
2015-05-24, 04:00 AM
Basically, this is a thread with only one rule: every single post has to contain at least one pun. The worse it is, the better.

Allow me to kick this off!


Did you hear about that guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Tentreto
2015-05-24, 07:05 AM
An even worse story is about a guy who loved tractors, and filled his room with tractor memorabilia. Then one day, he was run over by one and tore it all down.
Last I heard of him, he was working in the ventilation industry as an extractor fan.

enderlord99
2015-05-24, 07:34 PM
You know what really gives me gas?

Helium dispensers.

Socksy
2015-06-06, 02:41 PM
Did you know it's impossible to run through a campsite?
You have to ran, because it's past tents :smallwink::smallbiggrin:

Inevitability
2015-06-07, 10:38 AM
Q: Why aren't the Ghostbusters allowed in the liquor store anymore?
A: They attacked all the spirits.

Quild
2015-06-09, 08:49 AM
- We have to destroy those slave pens!
- Don't worry, I don't think they know how to write.



Did you hear about that guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
I actually did a very, very similar one some 4 years ago after falling from some 8 feet on my left knee and elbow (ground vs elbow vs ribs: Elbow breaks ribs, ground dislocates elbow, ground wins).
The friend I was with found it very fun. His other two friends were quite worried for me and missed the fun of the ton of funny thing we said to forget pain.

The joke was something like "Do you know the good side of it?" / "No?" / "The right one. Only my left side hurts".

Aaaah, good times, I miss that.

zeifly
2015-06-25, 12:15 PM
Here's one of my dad's new favorites.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

Xihirli
2015-06-25, 01:56 PM
That was terrible, but at least it wasn't a Russian pun.
They tend to Peter out.

That seems bad, but puns about sausage are the wurst.

Atreyu the Masked LLama
2015-06-26, 09:25 AM
I am disappointed by the lack of tentacle puns in this thread. I'm a sucker for a good tentacle pun.

KazilDarkeye
2015-07-03, 05:53 AM
One from a friend at a primary school talent show (circa 2002, gosh I feel old):

Why did the dragon sleep during the day?
Because he only ate knights.

miner3203
2015-07-04, 12:22 AM
Speaking of night, I was stayed up until morning to find out where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Felandria
2015-07-04, 03:20 AM
I want Games Workshop to have a contest where you can win a solid gold piece worth six figures.

Because I want to win The $100,000 Tyranid.

Prince Zahn
2015-07-23, 10:30 AM
My friends and I used to do pun battles all the time back in high school. It kept our morale up right before history class.
Though that's all in the past, because we pun the war on good grades! :smallsmile:
True story, by the way, as told by the winners :smallwink:

RoTWS
2015-07-26, 07:55 PM
After revealing that he had depression, Pat received a list of 10 puns from his friends, trying to cheer him up. Unforunately, no pun in ten did.

AvatarVecna
2015-07-27, 06:44 PM
When your job is putting groceries in bags for the customers, you have to wait for them to select their preferred material; we all know that baggers can't be choosers.

Lifscuetorya
2015-07-29, 08:39 PM
So I heard this story about a rope. The rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks, "Are you a rope?". The rope says " Yes.".
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve ropes here." And kicks the rope out. Well, the rope gets all twisted up over that, and all his ends become a bit unraveled, and he goes back to the bar. The bartender asks again, "Are you a rope?", to which the rope responds...
" No, I'm a frayed knot."

(The sound of crickets chirping is heard softly in the background)

Mythaos
2015-07-31, 09:01 AM
So there were two broccolis walking down the street together, Big Broccoli and Small Broccoli. They came to a crosswalk, and Small Broccoli darted accros, dodging dastardly drivers until he reached the other side. Big Broccoli tried to imitate her, but he wasn't as limber as his friend, and he was hit. Small Broccoli rushed him to the hospital. She waited for hours, pacing up and down the halls, until finally the doctor came out.

"Is he alright, doc?"

"Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, he'll live. The bad news is, he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

Prince Zahn
2015-07-31, 02:31 PM
When someone smacks you with his right hand, you can't argue with it 'cause it's right to do so.
When someone slaps you with the left hand, it's because all the right people left you hanging.

gllithid
2015-08-14, 10:39 AM
jeesh, the puns are getting so intense, its almost like we're camping. :smalltongue:

Lheticus
2015-08-14, 12:38 PM
I have problems with my skin itching pretty frequently. So frequently in fact, that when I start to itch I refer to it as "Comrade Alodovich coming to visit."

Sir Toast
2015-09-10, 06:46 PM
I used to be a banker (but then I took an arrow to the knee, no just kidding) but then I lost interest.:smalltongue::smallwink:

GAAD
2015-09-10, 07:45 PM
...
DING
:smallbiggrin:

I used to be an Avenger like you...
...but then I took an arrow in the Kree.

Atreyu the Masked LLama
2015-10-10, 02:47 AM
Playing D&D

(GM): "you all see what appears to be the overgrown ruins of an ancient temple"
Player: "can we tell who it was a temple to?"
(GM) "not at a glance - any such indication is covered by ivy, weeds, tree-limbs and other vegetation."
Llama: "oh, so it's a moss-que..."

Pex
2015-10-14, 02:09 PM
In the first season of Agents of SHIELD, Ward and May hooked up. One scene has Brett Dalton wearing only a towel around his waist, eye candy for the ladies (and some men I suppose). However, behind the scenes the actor was bothered by this. During dress rehearsal he complained to the director when the costume department only gave him the towel. The director told him that was the costume. Brett Dalton was miffed. "You're lying. Which Ward robe?"

Ninjaman
2015-10-27, 02:38 AM
I won't let my children watch the music channel, too much sax and violins.

Insane Trystane
2015-10-28, 04:13 PM
Did you hear about the midwife moonlighting as a stand-up comedian? She did pretty well; she had good delivery.

Ninjaman
2015-11-03, 11:45 AM
I would make a joke about a castle, but the build-up is too long.

Atreyu the Masked LLama
2015-11-12, 05:49 PM
If you speak one human language as well as canine, you are considered bow-lingual.

Pex
2015-12-10, 01:33 AM
The reason Harrison Ford broke his leg filming Star Wars is Mark Hamill had loosened paneling on the Millennium Falcon set meant as a prank for a later scene shoot by Peter Mayhew. What a joker he is.

GAAD
2015-12-22, 10:42 PM
I went to see a documentary on the Earl of Grey two days ago. Sadly, it wasn't my cup of tea.

backwaterj
2015-12-23, 02:05 PM
I'd sing you the Messiah right now, but my rendition is probably more than you can Handel.

Prince Zahn
2015-12-24, 06:46 AM
I found a parrot with a broken wing on my balcony last weekend, and it was taking too long for the vets to come pick it up.
Worried and somewhat annoyed, I made a point of driving to the animal hospital 3 cities away just so I can give them the bird.

Syldar
2015-12-24, 10:21 PM
What do you call it when a lollipop attacks you?

A sucker punch.

Eggel
2015-12-30, 01:40 PM
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I just couldn't concentrate.

backwaterj
2015-12-30, 02:34 PM
We all know history is written by the winners. All the losers get is a historectomy.

ben-zayb
2015-12-30, 07:51 PM
No Horatio Caine puns? I'm proud of you guys!

Those CSI jokes were beaten to death...

Ninjaman
2015-12-31, 08:13 AM
I would tell you a joke about mays, but it's really corny.

I cut my dollar bills up, that didn't make any cents.

Syldar
2016-03-26, 09:05 AM
What do trapeze artists have in common with golbat's evolution?

They're both a-crobat-ic.

enderlord99
2016-03-26, 07:05 PM
I would tell you a joke about mays, but it's really corny.

I don't get it. I mean, if you spelled it "maize" then it would just be a pun about how corn is another word for that plant, but since you used the spelling that means "hawthorn trees" there's clearly an additional reference related to them, which I can't seem to find...

Eggel
2016-03-26, 09:32 PM
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

ben-zayb
2016-03-26, 11:46 PM
I don't get it. I mean, if you spelled it "maize" then it would just be a pun about how corn is another word for that plant, but since you used the spelling that means "hawthorn trees" there's clearly an additional reference related to them, which I can't seem to find...

That's pretty clever. I hope you didn't receive a-ninja-ry when the fridge brilliance finally hit you.

Ninjaman
2016-03-27, 03:22 AM
I don't get it. I mean, if you spelled it "maize" then it would just be a pun about how corn is another word for that plant, but since you used the spelling that means "hawthorn trees" there's clearly an additional reference related to them, which I can't seem to find...

The joke is that I can't spell, it was a spelling mistake. An Amaizing mistake!

backwaterj
2016-03-27, 02:49 PM
Like that one time I was stuck in a cornfield for days because I got lost in the maize?

CateranEnforcer
2016-03-28, 02:53 PM
I once stole a calendar and got twelve months.

Pex
2016-03-28, 10:10 PM
That's pretty clever. I hope you didn't receive a-ninja-ry when the fridge brilliance finally hit you.

Eh, let's just nuke this line of inquiry.

Skald
2016-04-15, 04:45 AM
Sorry to butt in, but I can't back out unless the situation turns around.

Syldar
2016-04-15, 07:57 AM
Did you hear the one about the broken pencil?

Never mind, it's pointless.

Pex
2016-04-16, 10:46 AM
Watching Batman vs Superman, it's amazing how the Batman character has evolved over time. In the 1960's, Batman was your grandmother Nana.

5a Violista
2016-04-16, 09:34 PM
That's super how you've seen Batman v Superman. How was it? I've heard mixed things about it. Is it a grand slam, or is it a horrifying screech? Please tell me, I want cover my bases before deciding to go watch it.

backwaterj
2016-04-19, 07:27 PM
Steel yourself, my friend. Watching that movie is a dark night indeed. It's a wonder I made it out alive. :smallbiggrin:

ben-zayb
2016-04-19, 11:48 PM
I hope the posts stay civil and not end up in some sort of war that could bring about a thread apocalypse, so I'm cappin' this BvS topic by suggesting discussion of other superhero movies.

Syldar
2016-04-20, 07:59 AM
I saw no pun in there. You must be PUNished for your lack of puns!

5a Violista
2016-04-20, 09:55 AM
Hang on; don‘t lynch him just yet. Before you thread a noose to his post, remember: if “bad puns“ exist, then surely surely the good kind can exist in this forum as well.

Gandariel
2016-04-20, 11:29 AM
But is it better to force everyone to make puns, to make sure the rules are followed, or to allow posters to express themselves as they wish, to let them do their job?

ben-zayb
2016-04-20, 12:14 PM
I guess, you did Nazi the pun content of my previous post. "Cappin" America won't probably like the fact.

sengmeng
2016-04-20, 12:18 PM
When the doctor saw yet another stool sample filled with Ebola virus, he muttered "I'm losing my patients with this kind of crap."

backwaterj
2016-04-20, 01:12 PM
I guess, you did Nazi the pun content of my previous post. "Cappin" America won't probably like the fact.
Nazi jokes are overplayed Anne Frankly we're all getting tired of them. Out of mein kampfort zone.

kardillamo
2016-04-22, 12:34 AM
I just started a book about anti-gravity, it's impossible to put down!

Black Socks
2016-04-25, 04:00 PM
Did you hear about the guy who crunched his cornflakes? He was arrested for being a "cereal" killer! Cue Groaning

Ninjaman
2016-04-25, 05:05 PM
Did you hear about the guy who crunched his cornflakes? He was arrested for being a "cereal" killer! Cue Groaning

That joke was too corny. Like, cereally corny.

sengmeng
2016-04-25, 08:37 PM
I take bizarre revenge on my enemies. I guess you could say I get odd when I get even.

Ninjaman
2016-04-26, 08:29 AM
I'm not very good at drawing programs, but I excel at spreadsheets.

backwaterj
2016-04-30, 06:54 AM
So how are you Shandling all these dead celebrities? Hoo Bowie! It feels like fate is Robin us, even if they've all left their im-Prince.

and on a lighter note:

This morning there was a guy on the street selling bicycle shorts. I told him to pedal his wears elsewhere.

ben-zayb
2016-04-30, 10:08 AM
I'm considering learning a new language, but practicing pronunciations usually stresses me out.

sengmeng
2016-04-30, 11:48 AM
When I don't do laundry, it's same shirt, different day.

Pex
2016-05-01, 01:02 AM
The Pope likes it whenever model and singer Grace Jones visits the Vatican. They eat corn on the cob. He can appreciate a maize in Grace.

Celine Dion doesn't attend White House dinners because she doesn't want to sing for the President or do anything for him. She doesn't want to be Obama's elf.

backwaterj
2016-05-04, 06:46 PM
Obama and Celene Dion?! Now that's a prickly pair!

ben-zayb
2016-05-04, 09:37 PM
Some stranger warned me against some sort of global conspiracy, but I dismissed it like I did to all loony, nutty, conspiracy buffs.

Atreyu the Masked LLama
2016-05-09, 08:16 AM
Did you guys hear that Boston is getting the official New Year's Eve Celebration this year? Apparently New York keeps dropping the ball.


(Pun stolen from Blurry Photos Podcast; a podcast about the supernatural and puns.)

Vivee
2016-05-10, 07:05 PM
I stole this pun from the @justbadpuns tumblr blog.
It's really long, so I'm putting it in a spoiler.
Mallory and Mark Kensington were two star struck lovers who had been married for 12 years. Mallory was a commercial airline pilot and Mark was the captain of a nuclear submarine. They were both very responsible with their money, lived simply, had no children, and no vices. The only exception to their frugality was their dog Max whom they doted on at every possible occasion. Unfortunately for Max, fate had terrible plans in store for him. One dark August day, Mallory and Mark were both at their respective jobs and in a cruel twist of fate suffered major mechanical failures at the same time. In a million to one oddity, they both perished in the astonishing first-of-its-kind airplane/submarine accident.

The funeral was a simple affair, but it was the reading of the will that shocked the attendees; everything they owned had been left to Max. The Kensington family was understandably upset about this, and within a few months time, the lawyers had finagled their way through to screwing Max over with little thought to his feelings. Shortly thereafter, unloved, unwanted, and alone… Max had been cast out onto the streets of New York penniless. As you can imagine, this was a real hardship for Max.

Max, destitute, wandered for weeks before he finally settled down on the corner of 5th and Main. He found a “comfortable” cardboard box to live in, and his friend Hobo Jones was relatively sane. Now for Max, this whole new life was a real hardship, and difficult to adjust to but… he persevered. A few months later, while talking to Hobo Jones, he learned that there was a dog show in town. While an unattended dog at a show may be slightly unusual, Max thought it just might be possible for him to improve his lot in life… there was a cash prize!

At the dog show, Max was suitably impressive. He had bathed in the local gutter with Hobo Jones’ help, and positively glowed with a hint of the radiance that he once had under the care of the Kensingtons. The judges muttered among themselves every time they saw him and to a man they decided to award Max first place. Ecstatic, Max approached the judges’ panel. Unfortunately, dog show judges aren’t the most scrupulous of people, and they kept the money, only giving Max his trophy. What dog can complain about being cheated? Faced with yet another hardship, Max lugged his trophy home, whilst the judges had a wild night on the town with the cash that was supposed to go to the winner.

Hobo Jones comforted Max when he got back. “Max, it’s OK. I know you got screwed, but hey you got this really neat trophy and at least you’re qualified for the city-wide dog show! Maybe the judges will be better there, and you can really move up.”

Max considered this good advice, and while his hardships seemed overwhelming at times, Hobo Jones had made a fair point. For the next month, Max trained himself like never before. He exercised regularly, worked his fur into a grand sheen, and all around just persevered. The day of the city-wide show came around and he was excited. He trotted down to the performance hall, and quickly impressed everyone in attendance. By time the second round of judging had occurred, he was considered a favorite to win, and by the final round of judging, he was the clear victor. Ecstatic, he rushed to claim his prize.

I don’t wish to dishearten you or cast a pallor on the integrity of dog show judges everywhere but… Max was just cursed by hardships. The judges at this particular show were, if anything, more corrupt than the previous judges. Max received his trophy, and accolades rang from all but the cash was sadly lacking. These judges liked Vegas more than they liked dogs, and the prize money that no human could claim would get them there in style. Max, heartbroken, trudged home through the pouring rain dragging his (rather large) trophy behind him.

To the rescue came Hobo Jones. Max’s distressed demeanor was lightened by his antics and encouragement. After all, it was true that he had qualified for the state championships. Besides, Max was practically creating a name for himself in the dog show world… two overwhelming victories with no owner? Almost preposterous! So, that night, Max curled up around his two trophies and considered that maybe his hardships were coming to an end. He wagged his tail a bit before he fell asleep.

This same sorry state of affairs continued for Max through State, Regional and even the National dog show. When Max had just won the national dog show, he should have been living the good life, the $10,000 prize would have bought him quite a bit of comfort. Unfortunately, plagued by hardships and corrupt judges, Max had nothing but his five trophies to keep him warm at night. With a frustrated shake of his head, Max decided to simply focus on how he would get to the international dog show in Paris at the end of the year. He decided to see if he could get passage on a ship.

After spending an entire day begging every captain he met on the pier to take him along, Max was beginning to despair. Nobody seemed to want a dog underfoot, regardless of how useful he may be. Luckily though, he decided to try one last ship. It was an old thing, and looked like it had come straight out of a story book. It was a ship that had clearly seen better days, and was in fact astonishing for it’s incongruity amongst other more modern ships… it even had sails! Max trotted up to the grizzled old sea captain and bade him good afternoon. Astonishingly, Max’s luck seemed to take a turn right away for the captain immediately lit up and started chatting like they had been old friends his whole life. Within an hour, Max had secured passage to Paris (provided he work during transit) and had found a new friend.

The following morning, Max took his leave of Hobo Jones and boarded the ship. For many months they sailed and had many grand adventures, but this story is not about those. Suffice it to say that the captain and Max grew very fond of one another, and they shared many stories of hardships that each at faced. When they finally reached Paris, the captain promised to wait for Max, and wished him good luck at the show.

This was it! The international dog show that Max had been preparing for for so many months. He strutted in confidently and was greeted with uproarious applause… he was practically famous now! The dog with no owner, the champion extraordinaire. Round after round of judging, dog after dog was eliminated. Finally, it came down to just two dogs, Max and another Yorkshire named Augustus Winthrop the Third. The judges whispered amongst themselves for an eternity.

As you well know, the prize for the international dog show is nothing to sneeze at. It well exceeds thousands of pounds, and could set all of Max’s hardships aside for the duration of his life. Unfortunately, human greed being what it is and Max’s lack of human company being what it was… he never had a chance. With yet another cruel laugh from the fates, the judges awarded Max the title of champion dog, the trophy, the accolades, and… not the money. Max faced with yet another hardship, lugged the huge trophy back to the ship, and sadly went to his bunk. Tired out, and depressed, he promptly fell asleep. The captain, knowing what had occurred the moment he saw Max arrive, decided to leave immediately and cursed the judges heartily as they sailed out of port.

Several hours later, a freak storm blew up. Sailors were cursing, the captain was wide-eyed with stress, and Max was awoken by the noise. He scampered to deck just in time to notice a sailor caught in the rigging trying to bring down one of the sails. Without pausing a moment to think, Max bounded up the rigging and immediately helped the sailor free, chewing through the ropes that had ensnared him. He let the sailor down first and was about to follow suit when a sudden wave rocked the ship violently and the worst happened. Max lost his grip.

Max fell.

Max hit the deck.

Max didn’t move.

In one of those weird little moments of life, the sudden fury of the world paused. The sailors all gasped, shocked. The captain turned his eyes towards Max. Nobody moved. Nothing moved. They all prayed silently for the poor dog, hoping against hope that he would rise once more. The spell was broken by the first mate who took a step forward, then another, another… tears were appearing in his eyes. Then, miracle of miracles… Max got up. He was fine! The sailors all cheered, shouting for joy. The first mate, astonished, turned to the captain and said,

“Captain, how could Max survive a fall like that?”

“Don’t you know?” said the captain, unsurprised in the least, “he was used to hard ships.”
This is my absolute favorite pun.

ben-zayb
2016-05-12, 10:43 AM
I had a friend who insisted she dated a real-life Joker once. She was ******* crazy.

Lethologica
2016-05-12, 01:36 PM
I brushed up an old story for a Diplomacy game, might as well share it here.

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The day before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had ten squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle.

At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire cooked dinner in a pot hanging from a looped rope, high over the fire, while he cared for the knight's horse and armor.

Now the knights of the first kingdom spoke among themselves, saying, "We are outnumbered by the knights of the second kingdom; we must find some way to gain the upper hand, though it stain our own honor. Let us send a squire to befoul their food." This they did.

Night fell. The knights of the second kingdom ate before their squires, and became gravely sick. Then the squires spoke bitterly of treachery, which they laid at the feet of the first kingdom. "Surely the knights of the first kingdom have done this, to ensure their victory on the morrow," they said. "We will return this insult by fouling their drink." The squires of the second kingdom sent one of their number to do this.

When the squire who had been sent to poison the food reported his success, the knights of the first kingdom were overjoyed. Their victory assured, they decided to celebrate with drink. In this way the knights of the first kingdom fell victim to the second kingdom's revenge.

Morning came, and the hour of battle approached. The squires of both the first and second kingdoms arrived early, taking the places of the fallen knights. The two factions fell into furious argument, each accusing the other of dishonor and villainy.

Just before the appointed time, the third kingdom's squire appeared. The other squires were greatly surprised. "Where is your knight, squire?" asked a squire from the first kingdom. "Was his drink poisoned by these scoundrels from the second kingdom?"

"No, indeed!" shouted a squire from the second kingdom. "His food must have been poisoned by you pigs from the first kingdom. Isn't that right, squire?"

The squire of the third kingdom shook his head. "Neither," he said. "My master exclaimed upon seeing your numbers that our fight was hopeless, and drank until he passed out. I am here in his stead."

Then the hour of battle was upon them, and the three sides fought, squire against squire. The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left standing was the lone squire from the third kingdom. Thus he claimed victory, and the island, for the third kingdom.

And so we have proven that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Dain Broadbeam
2016-05-14, 01:41 PM
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

backwaterj
2016-05-17, 06:21 AM
Kenya handle all these African countries changing names and boundaries every few months? It's like they say: Zaire today, Uganda-morrow.

ben-zayb
2016-05-29, 08:16 AM
The problem I have with fart jokes is that they often don't make scents.

Ninjaman
2016-05-29, 01:08 PM
I am quite loud when I tell the dog to bugger off. You could say I have a big shoo size.

Blue Ghost
2016-05-30, 12:44 AM
I got a fortune cookie last night, but when I opened it, it was empty. It was very unfortunate.

Pex
2016-05-30, 08:53 AM
Rejected scene from "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban".

Lupin and Flitwick were having tea in Flitwick's office discussing Flitwick's odd fondness of Muggle music when the door burst open. Crookshanks was chasing Scabbers again. They could hear Ron yelling not too far behind along with Harry and Hermione. Scabbers ran underneath and Crookshanks pounced but missed, knocking the table. Flitwick's violin fell to the floor while the cow-shaped creamer flew over a ducking Lupin. When Harry came in he just happened to look out the window and there was that matted black dog again, the so-called Grimm Professor Trelawney keeps harping about. He wasn't sure, but Harry thought the dog was laughing. Flitwick tried to save the violin from breaking. "Windgardium Leviosa!" However, Ron bumped into him causing the spell to miss. Mr. Flitwick's teacup toppled as the saucer and teaspoon floated out the window.

enderlord99
2016-05-31, 05:47 PM
Rejected scene from "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban".

Lupin and Flitwick were having tea in Flitwick's office discussing Flitwick's odd fondness of Muggle music when the door burst open. Crookshanks was chasing Scabbers again. They could hear Ron yelling not too far behind along with Harry and Hermione. Scabbers ran underneath and Crookshanks pounced but missed, knocking the table. Flitwick's violin fell to the floor while the cow-shaped creamer flew over a ducking Lupin. When Harry came in he just happened to look out the window and there was that matted black dog again, the so-called Grimm Professor Trelawney keeps harping about. He wasn't sure, but Harry thought the dog was laughing. Flitwick tried to save the violin from breaking. "Windgardium Leviosa!" However, Ron bumped into him causing the spell to miss. Mr. Flitwick's teacup toppled as the saucer and teaspoon floated out the window.

...What's the punchline?

Pex
2016-05-31, 06:26 PM
...What's the punchline?

One does not explain jokes. Hey, this is just a diddle.

sengmeng
2016-06-01, 06:15 PM
...What's the punchline?

It's the line of people waiting for punch.

Rater202
2016-06-01, 08:15 PM
This is an old one. It's not mine, but I don't see a sign of anybody posting it already.

Hugh Hefner once successful stopped a monastery from operating a business on his property. The order of monks were evicted from their flower stand, which thy had set up in front of the playboy mansion. when asked about the incident, the leader of the order had this to say. "Well, if it was anybody else, we might have gotten away with it. Unfortunately for us though, only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars."

sengmeng
2016-06-02, 02:55 PM
The gas light came on 5 miles ago. He may have left the stove on. Cell phone dying, no more snacks, and the brakes just made a "clunk" sound. One question dominates his thoughts: "Am I going to make it?"

This summer, belt in for...

The Road Worrier

ben-zayb
2016-06-04, 02:35 AM
Do you know why Peter Pan likes to think of happy thoughts? It's because he prefers to never, never, land.


Ah...Peter Pan jokes. They never get old.

Rater202
2016-06-04, 06:23 PM
Do you know why Peter Pan likes to think of happy thoughts? It's because he prefers to never, never, land.


Ah...Peter Pan jokes. They never get old.

Why doesn't Peter Pan Box? His punches never land.

Pex
2016-06-04, 11:12 PM
Why are people suddenly hooked on Peter Pan like peanut butter on bread? Until this ends, see you later alligator.

backwaterj
2016-06-06, 04:17 AM
Truth, it's a regular Pan-demic! Sound the Tinker-bells!

ben-zayb
2016-06-06, 04:58 AM
I think this is a good time to point out that this is the perfect opportunity to make a piracy joke...just in case any of you don't want to miss the boat.

Syldar
2016-06-06, 10:18 AM
I had a horrible sausage yesterday. It was the worst wurst.

Mister Tom
2016-06-06, 01:35 PM
What's an ornithologist's favourite sports game?

The Superb Owl.

backwaterj
2016-06-06, 08:19 PM
I think this is a good time to point out that this is the perfect opportunity to make a piracy joke...just in case any of you don't want to miss the boat.
You mean like this?:

Why did the pirate resort to stealing corn?

Because they were charging a buck-an-ear!

Pex
2016-06-07, 01:06 AM
I give the number 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375 105820974944592307816406286 . . . a 10 for usefulness in science but a 2 for annoying me when learning trigonometry.

I pi rate.

backwaterj
2016-06-07, 04:00 AM
Why did the pirate captain spend the entire raid fiddling with his Apple portable device?

He was waiting for his his iPatch.

What was the pirate's favorite deceased Star Trek lieutenant?

Yarrr!

And his favorite cellist?

Yo-ho Ma!

Rater202
2016-06-08, 12:26 AM
Julius Caesar traveled around a lot.

The man liked Roman.

Mister Tom
2016-06-08, 01:37 AM
Somebody had to open the pirate box...

What did the old pirate say? "aye, Matey"

Rater202
2016-06-08, 03:05 AM
The various food groups had a meeting. When the dairy group first met the meats group, it said "cheesed to meet you all." The meats group responded "and we're pleased to meat you all as well."

backwaterj
2016-06-09, 03:31 AM
The vegetable group said "peased to meat you all!"

The grains group was too well-bread to respond in kind.

Syldar
2016-06-09, 09:46 AM
The dessert didn't show on time, so the meat held a steak-out.

Pex
2016-06-09, 12:43 PM
These latest puns give you food for thought.

sengmeng
2016-06-09, 02:25 PM
I'm a bit confessional in my writing. But it's good for the soul to write your wrongs.

Vivee
2016-06-09, 07:21 PM
I think I like puns too much.

I made a stage-play about puns, but really it was just a play on words.

backwaterj
2016-06-09, 07:36 PM
See, I used to do that, but I've reformed since my stay in the punitentiary.

Ninjaman
2016-06-10, 04:08 AM
The grim reaper walks into a bar. The bartender says to him "would you please leave your scythe outside?" The grim reaper doesn't react. The bartender says a bit louder "I said, could you leave the scythe outside?" The grim reaper still doesn't react. The bartender then shouts "TAKE THAT SCYTHE OUTSIDE!" The grim reaper still doesn't do anything. The bartender looks at another guest and asks "is that guy deaf?"

sengmeng
2016-06-11, 02:00 PM
King David wrote the Psalms... he even wrote a few on the toilet, but never got caught

Because the P is silent.

backwaterj
2016-06-11, 03:53 PM
Just like hymn to do a thing like that! Well, thanks for your cantor anyways.

ben-zayb
2016-06-11, 04:43 PM
Lone wolves don't subscribe to that "You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" philosophy. It's always been to itch his own.

sengmeng
2016-06-12, 01:38 PM
My favorite day of the year is the tenth of October. I rate it 10/10.

Pex
2016-06-12, 06:47 PM
Peter Parker
Peter Brady
Peter Pevensie
Peter Pan
Peter Piper

Sorry, I'm repeating myself.

Rater202
2016-06-12, 10:07 PM
A cookie company makes special gingerbread men at Christmas time, with unique heads and bodies for males and females. however, one year a mix up with the molds results in male heads on female bodies and vice versa. Of course the company recalled the defective cookies, but they weren't prepred for the amount of outrage removing them caused.

You see, there were a large number of fans of Rocky Horror who demanded the return of the Sweet Transvestites.

sengmeng
2016-06-17, 10:32 PM
As the explosive technician prepared to cut open the longhorn that had swallowed a pound of C-4, he said "What an abominable situation."

Ninjaman
2016-06-18, 04:25 PM
I knew this great underground band called Dynamite. I was so certain they were gonna blow up.

5a Violista
2016-06-19, 12:03 AM
How was their music, though? Usually underground bands concerts like that are a blast. Can really dig them, I heard.

Pex
2016-06-19, 08:50 PM
Eh, don't be flat. See sharp.

Ninjaman
2016-06-20, 10:10 AM
The ninja turtles started a band, but they're pretty underground.

Syldar
2016-06-20, 10:32 AM
I saw a bunch of bird puns online, but they flew over my head.

backwaterj
2016-06-25, 11:39 AM
Are you falcon kidding me? Owl you ever live that down? If I were you, osprey to every god you've ever heard dove. :smallwink:

FlurryOfPosts
2016-06-25, 10:03 PM
I once made an unarmed attack. I threw my severed arm at the monster.

Ninjaman
2016-06-26, 06:45 AM
I once made an unarmed attack. I threw my severed arm at the monster.

Didn't do much arm though so I had to leave empty handed.

I came back later and tried to beat it singlehandedly. I got a leg ahead of him, but the fight had cost an arm and a leg.

sengmeng
2016-06-26, 01:40 PM
I just got a job at a very old-fashioned farm with a lot of draft horses. The previous blacksmith quit when he found out every one of the young females had lost a horseshoe at the same time. I've got some big fillies to shoe.

Rater202
2016-06-27, 04:32 PM
I just got a job at a very old-fashioned farm with a lot of draft horses. The previous blacksmith quit when he found out every one of the young females had lost a horseshoe at the same time. I've got some big fillies to shoe.

I was gonna respond, but my thoughts kept stallion.

Mister Tom
2016-06-27, 05:40 PM
Reminds me of the time that guy with a sore throat got sacked from his job at the farriers. He'd only been feeling a little hoarse.

Pex
2016-06-28, 12:07 PM
That's a horse of a different color.

sengmeng
2016-06-28, 02:34 PM
Reminds me of the time that guy with a sore throat got sacked from his job at the farriers. He'd only been feeling a little hoarse.

So he was suspected of foal play?

ben-zayb
2016-06-28, 10:25 PM
I thought about joining this bandwagon... But neigh! It's about time we stop beating a dead horse.

Pex
2016-06-28, 10:50 PM
Alright people, let's stop horsing around and get back on topic.

Rater202
2016-06-29, 05:59 PM
Not mine.

What would the couple name of Jack and Rose from the “Titanic” be? It doesn’t matter, ‘cause their ship sank.

backwaterj
2016-06-30, 03:04 AM
I hear Jack suffered from Iceberger's Syndrome.

Ninjaman
2016-06-30, 03:02 PM
I hear Jack suffered from Iceberger's Syndrome.

Wow, that was cold.

Rater202
2016-06-30, 05:18 PM
Wow, that was cold.

Not as cold as Jack.

Pex
2016-06-30, 05:33 PM
Cool it, guys.

Rater202
2016-06-30, 05:42 PM
Cool it, guys.

That? Now that's cold. Better wamr it up with some puns.(Not mine, same source as my first titanic one)

A thief attempted to steal paintings from the Louvre in Paris, but was caught 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas. All the thief could say for himself was: “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh. But I tried for it anyway because I had nothing Toulouse!

ben-zayb
2016-07-06, 07:47 AM
Over the years I've become more comfortable taking pictures of myself. You could say I'm getting more selfie steam.

Rater202
2016-07-09, 06:53 PM
Not mine: Why couldn’t the dead car drive into the cluttered garage? Lack of vroom

Pex
2016-07-09, 09:45 PM
For the past few months Russia has been harassing American diplomats. One was even physically attacked as shown in a video that went viral. Obama is feeling blue and doesn't know where to go to, so he tries where fashion fits.

https://s26.postimg.org/rpzncldk5/putin_on_the_ritz.jpg (https://postimg.org/image/rpzncldk5/)

Ninjaman
2016-07-10, 10:18 AM
Call me cracker? I'll give you cracker!

mpclardy
2016-07-10, 10:22 AM
This sounds like a thread for Archer quotes

ben-zayb
2016-07-10, 07:24 PM
I'm so good at cursing both in English and in my native tongue that people describe as bile lingual.

sengmeng
2016-07-11, 01:02 PM
A cowboy went and bought a section of prairie to use as ranch land. He seemed pretty happy with it, but his father reminded him that if there wasn't a source of water in it, it wouldn't be very useful. So he spent all day searching the new plot of land, and returned tired, sore, dusty, and dejected. His father and another rancher observed him and his hang dog look, and the rancher commented "He don't look too happy." And the father replied "Yup. You could certainly say he doesn't have a spring in his steppe."

enderlord99
2016-07-24, 03:01 PM
This story takes place in a nation of dragons.

Long ago, when he was just a prince, King Blaque (of the Gold dynasty, whose surname matches their breed) surprised the world when he married a commoner: Mari, who was a copper dragon and the daughter of the hemp farmers Mr. and Mrs. Juana. The Queen happens to obsess a quite bit over certain types of sunflower, and the king is quite intrigued by news of a strange, viscous liquid that has been found in a nearby desert; neither of these facts, however, are particularly important. What is important is that now, King Blaque Gold and Queen Mari Gold have a daughter named Rose, who seems to have turned to the worship of Tiamat.

The heroes are priests of Bahamut. They must save the fire-breathing dragon/princess (Rose Gold, who is part gold and part copper) from herself.

ViscountGrey
2016-07-29, 09:47 AM
I was at the game the other day, wondering why the ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me...

Mister Tom
2016-07-30, 12:19 PM
I had to wait around for ages at the bar last night, so this time I'm taking a tennis ball with me. Apparently they get served really quickly.

ben-zayb
2016-07-31, 09:52 AM
Not mine:
I had to wait around for ages at the bar last night, so this time I'm taking a tennis ball with me. Apparently they get served really quickly.

Take extra precaution while waiting, though. I've heard about this notorious gun-toting panda that wanders around different bars. Witnesses say it eats, shoots and leaves.

Pex
2016-08-01, 12:39 PM
The necromancer admonished his assistant for being late arriving at the graveyard. "I have a bone to pick with you!"

Black Socks
2016-08-01, 03:42 PM
The other day I was reading a newspaper article about a daycare who summoned the police at 'nap time'. Apparently some three-year-old was resisting a rest.

sengmeng
2016-08-02, 01:17 AM
The other day I was reading a newspaper article about a daycare who summoned the police at 'nap time'. Apparently some three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Most of those places have a a kid napping or two at any given time.

ViscountGrey
2016-08-02, 06:39 AM
Could be worse - I was arrested for hanging around in a marquee... I was done for loitering within tent

hustlertwo
2016-08-02, 07:32 PM
That reminds me, did to hear about that peanut who walked down a dark alley recently? He was a salted.

Pex
2016-08-02, 11:12 PM
Nothing like an evening watching an old Jack Nicholson movie on my large tv inside a large cabinet.

It's a night in Shining armoire.

Ninjaman
2016-08-04, 05:43 AM
I knew a clothes fabricant who became immortal. He ran out of pigments and now he can't dye.

ViscountGrey
2016-08-04, 05:49 AM
If you know what he used as his dye fixer urine trouble

Pex
2016-08-04, 06:23 PM
Channing Tatum will now star as a merman in a remake of Splash. I suppose I am a fan of his. He sure does like to show pecs.

ben-zayb
2016-08-05, 06:05 AM
Speaking of Tatum, remember back when Fox stated that the Gambit movie was supposed to be shown this year? Apparently it's no longer in the cards right now.

Ninjaman
2016-08-06, 04:03 AM
Well, what can you say, they missed their chance.

Black Socks
2016-08-07, 04:41 PM
I've been reading through this thread and I wondered why people put so much effort into puns. I finally figured out that a good pun is its own reword.

ViscountGrey
2016-08-09, 03:12 AM
But then the replacement of magical guards and checks can be very re-warding too

sengmeng
2016-08-09, 03:15 PM
Like Nietzsche said when I asked if he had any new philosophies, I got nothing.

LastCenturion
2016-08-17, 10:00 PM
Hold your horses, everyone... damn. Nice STR checks, lifting equestrians.

ben-zayb
2016-08-18, 01:23 AM
Like Nietzsche said when I asked if he had any new philosophies, I got nothing.

What I don't like about Nietzsche is that he hits his wife, then justifies it by saying he simply has enough will to pow her.

ViscountGrey
2016-08-19, 05:18 AM
I'm not finding much funny anymore, need some laughing gas. He He He.

HunterMarked
2016-08-19, 09:36 AM
You puny mortals! Your pundemic puns punic me. You are this* close to opening pundora's box

LastCenturion
2016-08-20, 09:56 PM
Sorry for the non sequitur, but http://assets.amuniversal.com/d82cf0603fc001349e68005056a9545d would anyone like to start a band? I'd be happy to drum up some percussion instruments.

Mister Tom
2016-08-23, 01:50 PM
would anyone like to start a band? I'd be happy to drum up some percussion instruments.

I don't like to blow my own trumpet...

sengmeng
2016-08-29, 10:41 PM
I took a mountain lion to a nearsided taxidermist, and he ended up mounting the rear end instead of the head. What a catastrophe!

Libro
2016-08-31, 02:31 PM
This may or may not count as a pun...
What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod.

LastCenturion
2016-09-04, 12:38 PM
To anybody who hasn't read the online novel Worm yet, I'm sorry. Here's a big spoiler:
http://forums.rennlist.com/rennforums/attachments/996-forum/750051d1375691272-996-spoiler-mod-suggestions-big-spoiler.jpgI'm sorry because it's a great book. That part is irrelevant to the rest of the post. Except this part.

Ninjaman
2016-09-05, 11:47 AM
I don't like regular tea, although I do enjoy some specialties.

Pex
2016-09-05, 09:49 PM
I heard there's going to be a remake of Ghost starring Daniel Radcliff but with the gender roles reversed. A promotional picture has him shirtless with a full beard and hairy chest reenacting the famous clay scene. He's obviously a hairy potter.

Vivee
2016-09-06, 10:45 AM
Someone once got banned for having the name "Anoos". The mods were butthurt.

sengmeng
2016-09-10, 07:53 PM
Terry Crews seems like a real tough guy. In fact, I bet he would kill you if you made fun of him. Then your tombstone would say you died of dissin' Terry.

LastCenturion
2016-09-10, 08:15 PM
My computer is literally haunted. I was gonna call the Ghostbusters, but even they can't find the ghost in my machine.

Pex
2016-10-03, 12:18 AM
I'm contemplating moving to Attu, Alaska and becoming an eye doctor. I would be an optical Aleutian.