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View Full Version : Your Wish Granted With a Twist 45: I stab Xihirli.



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Xihirli
2015-06-01, 03:53 PM
http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?308559-Your-Wish-Granted-With-a-Twist-44-GRANTED!&p=19335010#post19335010


Granted. Xihirli and Geodude chop each other to ribbons, each of which look slightly different.

I wish that the next thread's name will be Your Wish Granted With a Twist XLV: Stabbity-Stab-Stab!

Granted.

I wish for no one to be angry that I made the new thread early.

Elenna
2015-06-01, 03:58 PM
Granted! Everyone stabs you, which successfully diffuses their anger.

I wish it were easier to type on an IPad.

AvatarVecna
2015-06-01, 04:30 PM
Granted! Unfortunately, the software upgrade that makes it easier to type costs about $2000, and you'll be contractually obligated to stab Xihirli three times weekly while for the first 18 months.

I wish Xirhirli could survive an infinite number of stab wounds.

IZ42
2015-06-01, 04:36 PM
Granted. They still cause him pain though, and that makes him angry, so he decides to take it out on you. Violently.


I wish that the name of this thread was actually Stabbity Stab-stab

Xihirli
2015-06-01, 04:54 PM
Granted. By which of course I mean not.

I wish for... maybe some healing?

thatonesungod
2015-06-01, 06:13 PM
Granted, then i cast greater reflect healing, which deals damage to you equal to twice the amount you healed(stabbing damage btw)

i wish for xhirili to be stabed

AvatarVecna
2015-06-01, 06:46 PM
Well, Xihirli gets stabbed. That's not really the same thing as xihirli (not Xihirli) getting stabed (instead of getting stabbed).

I wish for an infinite supply of chocolate milk.

Mousedigits
2015-06-01, 06:48 PM
Er... Okay? He's already been stabbed dozens of times, I don't think one more will make much of a difference.

I wish Xihirli would think that Scimitars are stabbing weapons, which will invariably result in this wish being twisted so he stabs me, unfortunately.

Elenna
2015-06-01, 07:08 PM
Chocolate milk starts pouring down indefinitely. Unfortunately, it is centered around Xihirli. Somehow this makes him think scimitars are stabbing weapons, resulting in Xihirli stabbing both AvatarVecna and Mousedigits as they reach for the chocolate milk.

I wish people weren't ninjas.

Xihirli
2015-06-01, 07:16 PM
Granted. Most people aren't ninjas. In fact, we haven't had much use for them since the Atom Bomb, so there are hardly any left.

I wish that people would realized that I KNOW WHAT SCIMITARS ARE FOR AND THIS WILL NOT CHANGE!!!

AvatarVecna
2015-06-01, 07:31 PM
Granted! Unfortunately, they continue arguing the point with you just to get under your skin.
They also get under your skin by stabbing you.
I wish for world peace.

Mousedigits
2015-06-01, 07:42 PM
Granted. However, it will only happen when Xihirli stabs you with scimitars

I wish for Xihirli to stab AvatarVecna with scimitars.

Emperordaniel
2015-06-01, 08:10 PM
Granted. His head then explodes from the paradox it induces.

I wish to stab Xihirli with a bat.

Solse
2015-06-01, 08:37 PM
Granted! However, the bat, after stabbing Xihirli, bites you, turning you into a vampire. Say goodbye to sunlight and hello to your only friends being edgy 14-year-olds on Tumblr.

I wish for Xihirli to never be stabbed again.

AvatarVecna
2015-06-01, 09:56 PM
Granted! However, the bat, after stabbing Xihirli, bites you, turning you into a vampire. Say goodbye to sunlight and hello to your only friends being "edgy" 14-year-olds on Tumblr.

I wish for Xihirli to never be stabbed again.

Firstly, FTFY.

Secondly, granted! Unfortunately, the desire to stab people when twisting their wishes is about the only thing that can't die in these threads. Having removed our favorite stabbing target, you become our new favorite pincushion. *stabs jhunter_d with a scimitar, just to tick Xihirli off*

I wish for a bubble wand that never runs out of bubble-blowing soap.

Xihirli
2015-06-01, 10:12 PM
Granted. It traps you in a bubble that levitates at approximately inside the sun and then releases you.
On the upside, you were dead WAY before then.

I wish I could be stabbed again.
Try to twist THAT one!

AvatarVecna
2015-06-01, 10:20 PM
Oh, you really shouldn't taunt people like that. It can get messy...

EDIT:

VV FTFY=Fixed That For You

GAAD
2015-06-01, 10:29 PM
Granted! I stab you with a broken gin bottle!

I wish I knew what FTFY stands for.

GuesssWho
2015-06-02, 09:05 AM
Granted! But not by me.

I wish you would all shut up about stabbing already.

Emperordaniel
2015-06-02, 10:10 AM
Granted. I stab you in complete silence.

I wish for a drink of water.

AvatarVecna
2015-06-02, 10:28 AM
Okay! You drown.

I wish for a can of Dr. Pepper.

Xihirli
2015-06-02, 11:37 AM
Granted! It gives you kidney failure and liver infection.

I wish for immortality (of the variety where I don't age).

thatonesungod
2015-06-02, 11:58 AM
Granted, but you must stab yourself in the face with a scimitar every day in order to renew the immortality

i wish stabbing was even more funny

GAAD
2015-06-02, 03:27 PM
Granted! I add an S to laughter, then stab Xihirli.

I wish to win a game of Hearthstone today. Please? Just one?

AvatarVecna
2015-06-02, 04:27 PM
Granted. Something, something, something, stabbing. Something, something, something, scimitars.

I wish this joke would just ****ing die.

Xihirli
2015-06-02, 04:38 PM
Granted. I stab the joke. With a (new!) dagger. Happy?

I wish to fail.

Emperordaniel
2015-06-02, 05:13 PM
Granted, you fail - at not stabbing yourself.

I wish that every word in the English language was replaced with "stab".

GAAD
2015-06-02, 05:24 PM
Stab!
Stab stab Xihirli.

Stab stab stab stab stab.

AvatarVecna
2015-06-02, 05:41 PM
Granted! Unfortunately, the only way to change it back into English is for all those stabs to go somewhere, and you're the only other one here! *stabs you once for every word in the English language*

I wish stabbing was slightly less prevalent in wish-twisting.

Xihirli
2015-06-02, 06:28 PM
Granted. I cut you open. That should reduce the percentage a bit.

I wish for a more optimized build for battlemages.

Solse
2015-06-02, 06:53 PM
Granted! However, the build becomes so optimized that it destroys the meta, forcing WotC to release a whole new edition of DnD where battlemages are utterly and completely useless.

I wish for no homework.

thatonesungod
2015-06-03, 08:39 AM
Granted, homework is replaced with stabbing

i wish for a kitty

Emperordaniel
2015-06-03, 10:17 AM
Granted, it stabs you with its claws.

I wish for more money.

Xihirli
2015-06-03, 12:07 PM
Granted, you have all the money in the world. Because it now cannot be used as an exchange system, people quickly create a system that makes all of that money worthless.
Also, I stab you and take all of your money.

I wish for my money to have value.

Geodude6
2015-06-04, 11:57 PM
Granted. All your money is now in zimbabwean dollars.

I wish I could shoot Xihirli with a bow instead of stabbing him.

Mousedigits
2015-06-05, 12:01 AM
Granted! In the end, though, you're just stabbing him with an arrow at long range.

I wish for... Pizza!

Inevitability
2015-06-05, 12:50 AM
Granted! It is talking pizza, and it can't stop making cheesy jokes.

I wish someone would like my puns. :smallfrown:

Angsty Anubite
2015-06-05, 04:07 AM
Granted! You are soon taken to the hospital after falling unconscious due to intense laughter.

I wish for the next poster to become severely confused.

Quild
2015-06-05, 08:09 AM
Accordé ! Hmmm, attends, non... Je ne m'exprime pas dans la bonne langue là. C'est comment en anglais déjà ?
Erfüllt dann ? Ist es besser ? Oder geht es schlechter ? Ich habe keine Idee.

I guess you're confused as well, didn't expected that, eh! Oder vielleicht nicht wenn "Angsty" kommt von German Wort "Angst". Je n'en sais rien, c'est affreux.

I wish I had a sane mind.

thatonesungod
2015-06-05, 10:22 AM
granted, everyone becomes insane

i wish i understood what you said

Xihirli
2015-06-05, 10:44 AM
Granted! You now understand all languages. You soon learn that birds have intensely boring conversations, as do most other animals including humans.

I wish for recognition of drow superiority.

AvatarVecna
2015-06-05, 10:46 AM
Granted, you become convinced of the superiority of drow. If only anybody else would realize how awesome they are...

I wish vaping was proven to be health risk free.

Quild
2015-06-05, 11:02 AM
Granted! However you can't trust the study. Especially since another proved it to be dangerous.


I wish magic was real.




i wish i understood what you said
If you require translation, I used French and German. I should actually have used the word "Deutsch" which mean German in German rather than German which mean German in English (in one of the German sentences).
The full translation in English would be something like:
(French): Granted! Hmmm, wait, no... I'm not speaking the right language here. How is it in English again?
(German): Granted so? Is it best? Or going worse? I have no idea
[...] Or maybe not (confused) since "Angsty" comes from German word "Angst" (which means fear).
(French): I don't know, it's horrible.

Zaydos
2015-06-05, 12:04 PM
Granted, magic was real... in the middle ages. Unfortunately it has all gone away by now.

I wish magic was still around.

AvatarVecna
2015-06-05, 12:11 PM
Granted! Unfortunately, the most powerful practitioner of magic operated on 3.5 magic rules...and was obsessed with this handbook (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?227513-Destroying-the-world-as-we-know-it-a-Handbook).

I wish they hadn't destroyed the world...

EDIT: I further wish that I hadn't just broken the "3 post rule"...

Xihirli
2015-06-05, 02:49 PM
Granted. I cut you open.

I wish for someone to get this arrow out of me without further harm to myself.

Anachronity
2015-06-05, 02:56 PM
Granted, it stabs the rest of the way through since it is clear by now that stabbing does not harm you.

I wish for the truenaming chapter of the ToM to make even less sense!

Mousedigits
2015-06-05, 03:14 PM
Granted! Now it's filled with poems about tortilla chips, elephants, clowns, 27.5 sided dice, and stabbing.

I wish I had a 27.5 sided die.

Zaydos
2015-06-05, 03:16 PM
Granted. It has 27 equally sized sides and one that is half the size of the others, preventing it from rolling correctly.

I wish that the poetry in the Truenaming chapter of Tome of Magic was better written.

Xihirli
2015-06-05, 03:27 PM
Granted! But you have to buy the whole book again to read it.

I wish I may, I wish I might.

GAAD
2015-06-05, 03:47 PM
But nothing will EVER make this right.

I wish the Hearthstone Rogue deck we are drafting will go 12 wins

Anachronity
2015-06-05, 03:49 PM
You have this wish you wish, but not until tonight.

I wish that Psionics Unleashed was PFS-legal

AvatarVecna
2015-06-05, 05:18 PM
Granted, but the message boards will forever be clogged with people complaining about how OP it is.

I wish for...hot sauce!

Xihirli
2015-06-05, 05:28 PM
Granted! I drown you in it.

I wish for UNLIMITED POWER.
*Note: any way the power can hurt me would clearly not be unlimited, as unlimited power would naturally include the ability to not explode*

GAAD
2015-06-05, 07:39 PM
Granted! However, the only beings with that kind of power are djinn. So now you grant wishes IN A LAMP!

I wish for someone I can play Endless Legend with.

Anachronity
2015-06-06, 12:43 AM
Granted; a horrific half-computer being capable of running a respectable game of Endless Legends on his internally-grafted computer components appears before you. Unfortunately you must fight him to the death to access his internal hardware, and he has cyborg enhancements and the element of surprise on his side.

I wish that I could get Thirst in every DotA2 ability draft

Dire Moose
2015-06-06, 02:03 PM
Granted, but the ability is nerfed to the point of uselessness in the next update.

I wish I could turn into a dinosaur at will.

Xihirli
2015-06-06, 02:56 PM
Granted! You can become a compsognathus. You can't turn back and nothing in the modern world meets your specific dietary needs.

I wish for the ability to be immune to all negative effects from anything.

Anachronity
2015-06-06, 03:25 PM
granted; if something were to attempt to do every single possible negative thing it could to you at once you would be immune, but not otherwise.

I wish to be 13th bullet bulletproof (http://superuseless.blogspot.com/2008/06/13th-bullet-bulletproof.html)!

Silent_Interim
2015-06-07, 02:47 AM
Okay. No-one ever shoots you after the twelfth bullet, though, so you don't know how to check if it works. Also you've got several bullet wounds.

I wish for a Monopoly get out of jail free card that I can use in real life to get out of actual crimes.

AvatarVecna
2015-06-07, 03:19 AM
Okay, but it only works once, and even then only if you were jailed for litering.

I wish for a happy ending.

Xihirli
2015-06-07, 07:23 AM
That's so cute. I cut you open.

I wish for a downer ending.

thatonesungod
2015-06-07, 09:32 AM
Granted, you cut yourself open, with scimitars

i wish for a nice genie

Zaydos
2015-06-07, 11:25 AM
Granted they're very affable and very cut up when they have to make people's wishes hurt them due to the rules.

I wish to be a god!

Silent_Interim
2015-06-07, 03:59 PM
Granted, you are the god of self-loathing. Nice job. I bet you feel [I]real/I] good about that one.

I'd like to be under the sea in an octopus's garden in the shade. Preferably while not drowning or being murdered by sea creatures.

GuesssWho
2015-06-07, 04:15 PM
Granted. You can't swim, though.

I wish I didn't need oxygen.

Xihirli
2015-06-07, 05:41 PM
Granted. I cut you open.

I wish that fire could be used to solve any problem.

AvatarVecna
2015-06-07, 05:53 PM
Granted. You get set on fire by getting stabbed with a +1 Flaming Scimitar.

I wish for a Swiss Army Knife with infinite tool attachments.

Zaydos
2015-06-07, 06:19 PM
Granted, but all of them are different types of stabbing weapon, and they all seem to have an urge to chase Xihirli.

I wish for stabbity death.

Geodude6
2015-06-08, 12:20 AM
Granted! *stab*

I wish I had a dao-sized maul to crush xihirli with. And to be able to wield it.

Xihirli
2015-06-08, 08:29 AM
Two wishes at once. I cut you open. Partially for violating the wish thread.
Also, I disintegrate your body and scatter the ashes into the ocean.

I wish for new slippers.

Emperordaniel
2015-06-08, 08:56 AM
Granted. They're made of glass, and when they break against the pavement your feet get cut open; then infection sets in, forcing you to amputate your feet. It isn't enough, though, and you soon die anyways.

I wish this thread could be turned into a peaceful place.

Inevitability
2015-06-08, 11:47 AM
Granted! It could be turned into one... if everyone posted only peaceful things from now on. Yeah, not going to happen.

I wish for the next post to contain several double negatives!

thatonesungod
2015-06-09, 05:40 AM
nope, I aint not definantly am never not gonna grant that wish, I'm also not not gonna stab you

i wish to not not have to do this anymore

Xihirli
2015-06-09, 11:18 AM
You never had to. Also, I cut out your appendix without the use of anesthesia. Also, I'm not entirely sure which filthy human organ is the appendix, so I took all of them to be safe.

I wish for a better understanding of biology.

Zaydos
2015-06-09, 11:31 AM
Granted. You are vivisected and have the properties of each organ explained to you by the "kindly" doctor as he removes it in the most painful way possible.

I wish for there to be a second moon... it's part of my dastardly plan.

@v: If it does the same to everyone else I'm happy. My plan was to destroy all life on the Earth after all.

thatonesungod
2015-06-09, 12:54 PM
Granted, but it is made of pure energy, which annihilates you the second you look at it.(might want to rethink that plan)

i wish to be made of pure energy

AvatarVecna
2015-06-09, 02:16 PM
Okay, you explode.

I wish for better headphones.

Xihirli
2015-06-09, 03:31 PM
Granted. You don't like how I gave them to you, though.

I wish for no one to understand the GCPTR up there.

Silent_Interim
2015-06-09, 03:46 PM
Granted. We don't even speak the same language as you any more. Helnor Smurf Smur fGiay JekaNG!.

I wish for scimitars to be effective for slashing AND stabbing.

Geodude6
2015-06-09, 11:22 PM
Granted! *slashslashslashSTAB*

I wish for ale and whores.

Indarra
2015-06-09, 11:36 PM
Granted. The ale is poisoned and the whores are all lizardfolk or ogre men. What's more, they charge extra if you refuse to go through with it.

I wish for a lizard-feminist.

AvatarVecna
2015-06-10, 02:47 AM
You receive a wizard-nihilist (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=19332530&postcount=8). Well, genies are kinda infamous for being occasionally hard of hearing...

I wish for a pail of worms.

GuesssWho
2015-06-10, 02:57 AM
Granted. You now have a Worm That Walks in a pail.

I wish to be an aboleth.

Xihirli
2015-06-10, 03:06 AM
Granted. I cut you open, on account of not wanting to look that word up.

I wish to fail to fail to fail to fail to fail to fail.

5a Violista
2015-06-10, 03:18 AM
Granted. (Unfortunately, because the wishing well echoes everything you say, you're not sure how many more times you heard your last two words repeat back at you. Thusly, you're not so sure which result you got.)

I wish I could make it to the fencing tournament this Saturday. Or, alternatively, Mary Poppins play.

Xihirli
2015-06-10, 03:25 AM
Noncontributing post:


http://www.orlandorep.com/event/mary-poppins/
THIS Mary Poppins play?

Silent_Interim
2015-06-10, 11:11 AM
Granted, you can make it. It turns out both are cancelled and you had to cancel several meetings with close friends and family to be able to, so ultimately, you lose out on meetin them and don't get to go to either event.

I wish for Xihrli to be considerably less violent.

thatonesungod
2015-06-10, 11:59 AM
Granted, xhirili's violence level is reduced by 1 nazi, however since you can measure his violence(and belkars) in kilonazi's its not very helpful

i wish EVERYTHING had units of measure and baselines

Zaydos
2015-06-10, 12:45 PM
Granted. Since Planck and Einstein already proved that everything does (Planck constant/length/energy) by showing that there is a minimum resolution on every aspect of reality it's already true as regards the universe, but humans haven't figured out how to quantify everything.

I wish that there were more M:tG based D&D classes.

Anachronity
2015-06-10, 03:27 PM
Granted; the boards flood unexpectedly with poorly designed M:tG classes. Some of these receive attention, and a wonky and unworkable but flashy mana mechanic rapidly gains popularity with the less rules-savvy forum goers. More well-thought M:tG classes are quickly ignored because they choose not to use that mechanic. No sane DM will let any of the popular classes into their campaigns and M:tG classes gain a worse reputation than the initial release of 3rd-edition psionics.

I wish that PbP games were more reliable and consistent in their pace.

Silent_Interim
2015-06-10, 07:12 PM
Granted! They are reliably and consistently paced extremely poorly.

I wish to be able to know how evil a person is simply by looking at them, measured in Nazis, kiloNazis or Belkars, whichever is appropriate under the circumstances.

thatonesungod
2015-06-10, 07:26 PM
Granted, then you look in a mirror(its not great)

i wish i could convert units for one system to another

Geodude6
2015-06-10, 08:15 PM
Granted. You go mad from the revelation.

I wish I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

Xihirli
2015-06-10, 09:04 PM
Granted. It explodes in your face.

I wish for immunity to pain and death.

Zaydos
2015-06-10, 09:16 PM
Granted. You are now an inanimate object, with no nerves to feel pain and no life to lose to death.

I wish for more people to vote in homebrew contests on these forums.

Silent_Interim
2015-06-10, 11:31 PM
Granted. So many people vote, in fact, that you can't count the votes. In fact, the entire forum turns into nothing but voting. I kind of like that first one, it looks cool.

I wish to have veto power over everyone else's wishing.

Angsty Anubite
2015-06-11, 02:41 AM
Granted, but it can easily be overruled by a 2% majority.

I wish for a banana. Cuz I'm hungry.

Xihirli
2015-06-11, 11:45 AM
Granted, but you're also given the curse of Demeter, which makes you hungry no matter how much you eat. Soon you starve to death while stuffing your face.

I wish to stop being the butt monkey.

Geodude6
2015-06-11, 01:44 PM
Granted! You are now a monkey's butt.

I wish I could double post with impunity.

Silent_Interim
2015-06-11, 03:27 PM
Granted, but you feel an immense sense of shame every time you do because you know that it's obnoxious and irritating, so you don't.

I wish for my opinion to be the right opinion at all times.

GAAD
2015-06-11, 06:01 PM
Granted! To you, everyone else is a disgusting liberal.

I wish for more genies!

Xihirli
2015-06-11, 06:25 PM
Granted. They're all jerkasses and they stab you. And me. Well, there had to be a downside to granting wishes somewhere.

I wish to stop being a chew toy.

Geodude6
2015-06-11, 07:05 PM
Granted! You are now my cat's scratching post.

I wish to evolve into Graveler.

Elenna
2015-06-12, 09:02 AM
Granted. The genie is too lazy to look up who Graveler is, so you evolve into a bunch of gravel.

I wish people at work would answer my questions.

Silent_Interim
2015-06-12, 01:10 PM
Granted. You don't like the answers.

I wish for a decent computer.

Xihirli
2015-06-12, 02:23 PM
Granted. You get GLADOS. And some neurotoxin.

I wish for immunity to future wishes.

thatonesungod
2015-06-12, 04:26 PM
Granted, but that doesn't help you unless you figure out some way to wish in the future, also i stab you :)

i wish to wish the future

Silent_Interim
2015-06-14, 10:50 PM
I can't quite understand this. "I wish to wish" boils down to "I wish", so your wish was "the future", which doesn't really make sense, so I'm going to assume you meant "I wish to age massively over the next few seconds. Granted. Legally, you are still just as old, and mentally, you are just as young.

I wish to understand what was actually meant by that wish.

Zaydos
2015-06-14, 10:55 PM
Granted your brain is reformatted to understand that wish, this reformatting leaves you unable to understand normal things, though, like why people think the sky is blue, how the world could be round, and how to block out the whispers of Cthulhu radiating from R'lyeh.

I wish to be a millionaire.

Xihirli
2015-06-14, 11:24 PM
Granted, but inflation means that you can buy a bubble gum. If you take in a considerable amount of debt.

Since I'm now immune to wishes, this now cannot affect me directly.
I wish for fire to rain down upon every universe and eliminate all life.

thatonesungod
2015-06-15, 09:27 AM
As i explained before, you are only immune to wishes from the future, given that that last wish was made in the past, you die in a fiery apocalypse too

i wish the world was not ending.

Silent_Interim
2015-06-15, 10:22 AM
Granted. It wasn't ending. It is now.

I wish to never have my physical body age unless I want it to.

Elenna
2015-06-18, 10:05 AM
Granted. However, your mental age increases 10 times as fast to compensate.

I wish I could move through time.

Zaydos
2015-06-18, 10:08 AM
Granted, you are now incapable of moving at the speed of light, meaning you are always moving forward in time.

I wish I could move sideways through time into parallel time streams.

Xihirli
2015-06-18, 11:17 AM
Granted. You show up at random places within those timestreams, though. The entire universe is a big place. I'm willing to bet you'll hit a star sooner or later, and until then, you can enjoy only traveling to the void of space.

I wish for Zaydos to hit a star from another universe while he's time-phasing.

Targ Collective
2015-06-18, 02:29 PM
Granted. due to the inherant and inescapable benevolence of all Realities, as he hits the star, it teaches him two important things: One, he will survive; and two, *how to steer*.

I wish (in such a way that the rules of Free Will, Divine Will, Free Power, Divine Power and Free Love and Divine Love are all honoured) to look into a mirror of desire, and only see in there what is.

JohnTheSavage
2015-06-18, 07:05 PM
Granted. The mirror of desire just happens to be on the fritz though.

I wish I had found this thread earlier.

Emperordaniel
2015-06-18, 08:05 PM
Granted, but you then forget it ever existed.

I wish I could speed up other peoples' perception of time.

Xihirli
2015-06-18, 10:36 PM
Granted, but this happens involuntarily. It comes up when you're fighting and your opponent moves at three times the pace and kills you before you have time to get off one strike.

I wish to be in the future.

Emperordaniel
2015-06-18, 11:03 PM
Granted, but this happens involuntarily. It comes up when you're fighting and your opponent moves at three times the pace and kills you before you have time to get off one strike.

That's not what "perception of time" means. :smalltongue:

Zaydos
2015-06-18, 11:05 PM
Granted, but this happens involuntarily. It comes up when you're fighting and your opponent moves at three times the pace and kills you before you have time to get off one strike.

I wish to be in the future.

Granted. You will live at least long enough to be in what is currently the future i.e. tomorrow.

I wish to be security personnel on the USS Enterprise (NCC-1701) under Captain James Tiberius Kirk.

GAAD
2015-06-19, 04:07 AM
... REALLY? :smallconfused: Okay then, granted. You survive, and are hospitalized for the rest of your life as you ponder how you might have saved your fellow Redshirts.

I wish, more than anything, more than life, more than water, I wish for, um... I wish for this Into the Woods reference to go somewhere, I guess.

Quild
2015-06-19, 11:39 AM
Granted. But the king of somewhere doesn't get it and have you stoned. With actual stones. Because he's like that. You survive but get hospitalized for the rest of your life in the very same piece than Zaydos, being afraid that he finds out your responsability in his situation or wondering if he already knows.

I wish I was sane.

Xihirli
2015-06-19, 03:40 PM
Granted, reality is twisted so that your perception is the most correct way of looking at it.
Wait. I... I don't like this!

I wish for it to change back!

There are no scimitars!

thatonesungod
2015-06-19, 06:13 PM
Granted, reality is twisted so that your perception is the most correct way of looking at it.
Wait. I... I don't like this!

I wish for it to change back!

There are no scimitars!

okay, i change it back for everyone else, also i am keeping these scimitars(and i store them in you, via stabbing)

i wish for the javascript training course on khan academy to be more rigorous

Silent_Interim
2015-06-20, 12:23 AM
It is now very rigorous. So rigorous as to not be passable within any reasonable time frame.

I wish that I felt more comfortable settling in to new communities.

Zaydos
2015-06-20, 12:26 AM
Granted, you are completely void of social anxiety or shame, acting without ego, but guided only by superego and primarily id. This makes you supremely comfortable at settling into new places, among other things, but also makes you very unlikeable by most as you have no mechanism to cause you to try and act within social norms.

I wish to join, for a brief time each, the crew of each and every Star Trek show, and timeline (including the Mirror Universe), the Doctor, the crew of Moya, the crew of both the classic and new Battlestar Gallactica, and each Stargate Team.

Xihirli
2015-06-20, 12:41 AM
Granted. The Time Paradoxes cause a plague that kills off all the Time Lords before Doctor Who was made. Since you were using his time machine to visit everywhere else, this opens MORE time paradoxes and you accidentally cause the Reboot Universe in 2009. Now every Die-Hard Original Series and Next-Gen fan is trying to kill you.

I wish fans of nostalgic media could appreciate new additions.

AvatarVecna
2015-06-20, 06:30 PM
Granted, but only when its quality is up to their standards. Surprisingly, this does nothing to stop them from complaining about it.

I wish for a bag of oranges.

JohnTheSavage
2015-06-20, 10:09 PM
Granted, you are given a bag of oranges. Taken from a poor farmer. He and his family starve to death without those oranges, you monster.

I wish writer's block didn't exist.

Emperordaniel
2015-06-21, 11:24 AM
Granted, it materializes in front of you and Xihirli stabs it with his scimitars before going on a scimitaring spree that no one in a 100-km radius survives.

I only wish to catch a fish, so juicy sweet...

Zaydos
2015-06-21, 11:30 AM
Granted you catch it, but because you only wished to catch it not to keep it, it escapes again before you can do anything with it.

I wish everyone was exactly as happy as I am right now.

Orm-Embar
2015-06-21, 12:03 PM
Granted, but it doesn't last.

I wish for a reusable plot hook.

Targ Collective
2015-06-21, 12:16 PM
Granted. You get a tavern.

I wish that the wish I wish be wished for and granted for the Poster Below Me.

Xihirli
2015-06-21, 02:51 PM
Sorry.

I wish for intelligence juices!

JohnTheSavage
2015-06-22, 08:37 AM
Granted, the juices outsmart you and steal your identity.

I wish I had pants on right now.

Dudeons
2015-06-22, 10:36 AM
Granted. Wait, pants made of silly string won't work?

I wish I could make animations.

Mousedigits
2015-06-23, 07:13 PM
Granted! You make an animation of Xihirli stabbing you.

I wish for a tasty pizza.

OMG PONIES
2015-06-23, 10:13 PM
Granted! Your cat finds it delicious, but to the human pallette the word is "nauseating."

I wish for an end to all wishes, a destruction of all hope. May the world wallow in despair...for precisely 17 seconds. Then, please turn the wishing and hoping back on.

Quild
2015-06-24, 09:14 AM
Granted! Law of probability says it will happen at some point for some world.

I wish I knew why specifically 17 which happens to be my favorite number.

Xihirli
2015-06-24, 11:35 AM
17 is considered the most random number, which is why people often choose it. Did that answer nothing? Too bad! Granted!

I wish to actually grant a wish once or twice.

Orm-Embar
2015-06-24, 05:06 PM
Granted, but it's not as satisfying as you'd think.

I wish for - a drum kit!

Zaydos
2015-06-24, 05:17 PM
Granted, but it belonged to a now deceased world famous drummer whose spirit is infused into it, granting anyone all their skill when they play it. This helps you if you want super stardom, but might make you sad if you were hoping to use it to prove your own skill as it is a something of a crutch.

I wish to be captain of a star ship.

OMG PONIES
2015-06-24, 07:01 PM
Granted! You're up for the challenge of captaining the most mutinous ship in the fleet through an asteroid field while everyone's tired, a little drunk, and itchy from their recent visit to the swamps of Mosquitron IX, right? Of course you are...

I wish for a do-over.

Xihirli
2015-06-25, 11:58 AM
@Zaydos: Don't worry, Asteroid fields are actually really easy to navigate. http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/482.html

Granted! You get a repeat on that time I stabbed you. Oh, that hasn't happened yet?
*Stabs*
There.
*Repeats*
Granted!

I wish for this wish to be loosely interpreted to involve harming somebody.

Elenna
2015-06-25, 09:09 PM
Granted! It is interpreted to mean that you stab yourself. Repeatedly.

I wish I had time to get more sleep.

GAAD
2015-06-25, 10:04 PM
Granted!

"For in that sleep of [Xihirli-borne stabbitty] death, what dreams may come..." - Hamlet, Prince of Denmark



I wish to not die on my plane trip tonight.

Mousedigits
2015-06-25, 11:25 PM
Granted! You do die, however, in the crash that happens just as the plane hits the ground, at which point the flight has ended.

I wish for... $100,000,000,000,000,000 in Zimbabwean money.

Xihirli
2015-06-25, 11:44 PM
Granted! Inflation would be too easy... Plus I like Zimbabwe, I have a friend from there... black people are awesome...
They adopt a new currency. There.

I wish for a happy future for Zimbabwe!

OMG PONIES
2015-06-26, 05:35 AM
Granted! Your friend returns to his or her homeland as their president and reigns for decades with mercy and justice, ushering in a new era of prosperity for Zimbabwe. As the country grows financially, the bureaucracy of its government increases exponentially. Before your friend knows it, he or she is surrounded by so many advisors it can be dizzying. Luckily, your friend knows the good from the bad...at first. The single-minded or exploitative are easy to weed out, and the disloyal expose themselves eventually, but one particular advisor is so subtle about his jingoism that it's hard to place a finger on exactly when Zimbabwe's foreign policy started to become more and more aggressive.

Over time, a campaign to conquer the entire globe. Of course, it doesn't advertise itself as a reign of terror. No, no, it's couched in all sorts of positive language about "being the catalyst for an age of global fortune" and similarly vague statements. It starts with South Africa, then their reign of terror expands Northward to engulf Africa. Egypt falls quickly given the political turmoil in recent years, and it is the gateway to the rest of the world for the Zimbabwean death squads. Given their financial fortune under your great friend, the Zimbabweans are able to take over the world in a matter of mere months. However, their preferred tactic is "shock and awe," bombing every major city to bits.

The Louvre is buried beneath a mountain of rubble. The Vatican is a crater. The Pyramids are a scattered field of bricks. The Statue of Liberty is underwater. As the helicopters roar overheard, you squint and look to the sky expecting to see your own impending death. However, instead you see Zimbabwe 1, the preferred transit method of the President of Zimbabwe. Your old friend steps out and makes his or her way toward you, a cadre of military medals on his or her lapel swaying with every step. You are on your knees, held at gunpoint by Zimbabwean "security" forces to ensure you don't act out of line. As you look around at the corpses of your friends littering the smoldering heap of ash that was once your beloved homeland, your friend steps in front of you. His or her military boots leave a deep impression on the ground just as the scene leaves a deep impression on your heart.

You look up into the eyes of your friend, expecting them to also be the eyes of your executioner. However, he or she extends a hand to you with a beaming smile and says, "My friend! Gaze upon the glorious future of Zimbabwe! And to think...none of it would have been possible without you!"

I wish that story had not been too short or too long, but just the right length.

Orm-Embar
2015-06-26, 08:44 PM
Granted, but it achieves the right length only by being ruthlessly edited to include more giant robot fight scenes.

I wish for peace between those who call it soccer and those who call it football.

Zaydos
2015-06-26, 08:47 PM
Granted, they are all forced into a single room until they have the greatest riot of all time (which leads to the destruction of 18 countries) at which point those who still survive are so sick and tired of fighting they choose to bury the hatchet... once they find who they left it in.

I wish these wishes resulted in more bloodshed. And on that note as a skeletal creature I don't have blood so you've got to at least give me that before making me bleed.

Dreamscape
2015-06-26, 08:54 PM
Granted, you gain a new blood shed, a shed made of blood. It's not even real blood too. Ripoff tbh.

I wish to have insane real life stats.

Xihirli
2015-06-26, 10:57 PM
Granted! They're insane because you Max-Minned. In other words, you traded in your ability to improvise furniture weapons for the ability to rhyme on purpose, that sort of thing. You took a -12 STR penalty to get "not lactose intolerant" and a -9999999999999999999 SAN penalty to get "functioning lungs."

I wish for SAN penalties to actually be that big.

OMG PONIES
2015-06-27, 06:32 AM
Granted! SAN penalties are actually about 12 points big, just like most of the text on my screen. Since the font was already that size it seems like a rubbish wish, but hey, I don't make the rules; I just follow them. The customer is always right, after all.

I wish the customer was always wrong AND KNEW IT.

TurboGhast
2015-06-28, 06:15 PM
Granted! Now nobody is able to buy anything ever again, since they are always wrong and know of this. Society proceeds to break down AGAIN.

I wish to transform into a Diagla or Celebi so I can fix this.

Inevitability
2015-07-03, 01:14 PM
Granted! You transform into Diagla, but are dragged into some absurd animated movie involving you losing your powers and a group of teenagers setting out to restore them before you can do anything. Also, their quest fails because they're teenagers. You are now stuck in the form of a powerless monster forever.

I wish for the temperature in a 1-mile radius centered on my location to immediately drop by two degrees Celsius.

Mousedigits
2015-07-03, 01:43 PM
Granted, some of the heat in your area is removed from that area, reducing the temperature by 2 degrees Celsius. However, all that heat has to go somewhere... And that somewhere just so happens to be your stomach. You then burn to death.

I wish for a scimitar made for stabbing.

Orm-Embar
2015-07-04, 08:29 AM
Granted, but the scimitar had to be reforged into a more suitable form - say, a spear.

I wish for the ability to throw a baseball 99 mph with pinpoint accuracy.

JohnTheSavage
2015-07-05, 01:45 AM
Granted! You can now accurately hit the points of pins with 99 mph baseballs. Can't hit anything else though.

I wish for a new pair of shoes.

ORione
2015-07-05, 04:33 PM
Granted. You did not specify a size. Maybe you could find a barbie or something that they would fit.

I wish for a new, clean, empty notebook.

Zaydos
2015-07-05, 04:43 PM
Granted it's completely empty of pages between the covers.

I wish for a new Star Trek series.

OMG PONIES
2015-07-05, 08:16 PM
Granted! Enjoy your new series of Star Trek collectible air, including samples breathed by all original cast members.

I wish for a neverending supply of neverending supplies.

Orm-Embar
2015-07-10, 07:06 PM
Granted! You open your eyes and sit up in bed; then you step out onto the floor and suddenly you are falling endlessly falling screaming helplessly as you hurtle toward the ground, and then, just before you smash into the dirt at terminal velocity, at the very last possible second you wake up. You open your eyes and sit up in bed; then you step out onto the floor and suddenly you are falling endlessly falling screaming helplessly as you hurtle toward the ground, and then, just before you smash into the dirt at terminal velocity, at the very last possible second you wake up. You open your eyes and sit up in bed; then you step out onto the floor and suddenly you are falling endlessly falling screaming helplessly as you hurtle toward the ground, and then, just before you smash into the dirt at terminal velocity, at the very last possible second you wake up. You open your eyes and sit up in bed; then you step out onto the floor and suddenly you are falling endlessly falling screaming helplessly as you hurtle toward the ground, and then, just before you smash into the dirt at terminal velocity, at the very last possible second you wake up.

Etcetera.

I wish for a runesword made of starmetal.

Xihirli
2015-07-10, 07:10 PM
Granted! I carve a rune of a sword on starmetal. Also, I cut you open.

I wish for an ironic twist to this wish.

AvatarVecna
2015-07-11, 01:46 PM
The only way to twist a wish for an ironic twist is to twist the wish in a tired, cliche'd manner. Thus, I stab Xihirli, because the only thing not allowed to die in this thread is that joke.

I wish I hadn't brought that joke up.

Elenna
2015-07-11, 09:52 PM
Granted. You go back in time and stab yourself to death, causing both copies of you to disappear due to weird time stuff.
(Oh, and immediately after you do so, Xihirli wanders in and stabs himself.)
I wish AvatarVecna hadn't disappeared.

Zaydos
2015-07-11, 10:28 PM
Granted, he remains creating a temporal paradox which destroys all of existence.

Nothing exists therefore I can't make a wish. I don't exist so I can't lament it. I can't even convey that I can't as I am doing right now. I wish this all made sense to me.

Xihirli
2015-07-11, 11:33 PM
Granted! I remake the entire world so that your statements can all be wrong. I'm pretty sure I was close enough.
...Hm. That was a cutaway panel to something being not the same, wasn't it?

I wish for the ability to read real life cutaway panels.

OMG PONIES
2015-07-12, 05:51 AM
Granted! You can read them all; of course, they immediately stop happening, but if there ever was one again you're darn tootin' ready to read it. As it is, though, it all feels a bit anticlimactic.

I wish everyone's life had its own musical score, complete with themes for each character, etc.

AvatarVecna
2015-07-12, 09:58 AM
Granted! Yours is a horrific amalgamation of the "Barney the Dinosaur Theme Song" and "Taps".

I wish I knew what to wish for...

Orm-Embar
2015-07-12, 05:55 PM
Granted! You shall ride eternal, shiny and chrome.

I wish for a lightning flash of artistic inspiration.

Zaydos
2015-07-12, 06:14 PM
Granted a bolt of lightning strikes you inspiring you with all things artistic much as one once gave the Flash his super speed, but it locks you in a time loop as the bolt of lightning is actually yourself from the future, much as Barry Allen was the same lightning bolt which gave him his super speed.

I wish to be able to decide whether I should make the Beastmaster job for the Freelancer class or not.

Xihirli
2015-07-12, 07:42 PM
Granted. I cut you open.

I wish that Zaydos took Beastmaster.

TurboGhast
2015-07-17, 01:09 AM
Granted! Zaydos uses his new beastmastery to stab & kill you.

I wish I could teleport with control.

Inevitability
2015-07-17, 06:44 AM
Granted! You can do so every ninteen googolplex years. Oh, and the ability hasn't charged yet the moment you get it.

I wish for moose.

Orm-Embar
2015-07-17, 07:35 AM
Granted, but you also get møøse bites.

I wish for a perfect cup of coffee.

Mousedigits
2015-07-17, 07:38 AM
Granted. However, it won't stop making really, really bad puns.

I wish for an elk.

Xihirli
2015-07-17, 09:17 AM
Granted. It's now windy whenever you go outside. Not ironic, just bad.

I wish for all the pains of eternity.

OMG PONIES
2015-07-17, 01:44 PM
Granted. If we evaluate the concept of eternity, everything kind of subsumes into the totality of it all after a certain point, yeah? I mean, if you've got a shelf full of infinite books, let's say...and their bindings alternate colors red, blue, red, blue off into the sunset and beyond...what happens when we pull out all the blue books? You just took an infinite number of books off the shelf, and yet there are still an infinite number remaining. So infinity - infinity = infinity. So you take infinity years cleaning up that mess, all the while infinity onlookers making infinity snarky comments about why you even bothered to take the blue books off the shelf in the first place. I mean, why not the red ones? Why not just take the one book you needed? Are the books blue and red, or are they white and gold? Etc. It gets really awful, truly unbearable, somewhere after about 3 comments or so. But there's infinity of them, so hang on for the ride. Hold on, friendster, I'm going to need a drink of water.

Ah, that's better--refreshing as always. Of course, our supply of water is finite, so I and billions of others probably die of thirst while you're still tooling away picking up books. Good luck watching everyone you ever met casually on the Internet that one time die. So you're putting books away for all eternity, but you've got eternity to do it. Do you ever finish? Did you ever start? What does it all mean? It means this was a dreadful mess; maybe those internet commenters were right. As you put them away, the colors dance red/blue to white/gold and eventually harseoa/ougatim because why shouldn't an infinite number of books be an infinite number of colors, including the ones our lazy butts haven't named or our insolent retinas haven't evolved enough to see just yet. So fast forward to the point within infinity when all the books are back on the shelf, even though that in and of itself is sounding like a logical pretzel. So you put all the books back right where they belong, except here's the problem: there were already infinity books on the shelf! Sounds like a damn fine shelf, if you don't mind me commenting on the quality of your furniture, to hold 2 infinite quantities of anything. But you get bored on account of the rest of us having died, so you count the books, confident that you'll finally crack the case on what infinity + infinity equals that all those school kids are always on about. You get to "the end," which I'm now choosing to identify as a dubious concept via air quotes, and you realize that, well I'll be--you'll be? Whichever. Infinity + Infinity = Infinity. Pretty anticlimactic, honestly. Hold up, a pretzel really started to sound good a few seconds ago.

Except here's the problem, bud--I can't get a pretzel because your infinite books are clogging up the whole freaking apartment! I mean, have some courtesy, I can't even get into the kitchen, and even if I did your whole infinite bookcase is all over the place. I know you said you liked to read and I thought that made you sound smart so I agreed to be your roommate, but I'm really pretty steamed about it. So much so that I can't even walk into our apartment--as the finite space has been subsumed by its infinite contents and ripped a hole right in plausibility--so I'm typing this on the free WiFi at the Panera down the street. I'm not hungry since I had that pretzel, and I'm not even thirsty because I had water a while back but I know the salt from the pretzel is going to make me thirsty again and I promise the manager I'll buy a hibiscus iced tea forthwith at that point, but he's not having any of it and is saying I can't loaf about and steal WiFi. So thanks a lot, thanks for that. Freaking infinite bookcase.

So I'm standing on the curb outside Panera now--in the RAIN, mind you--torrential and awful and cold and gray, and I'm wondering. Those school kinds seem to think infinity TIMES infinity is the real trump card, even bigger than your 2(infinity) books you didn't even ask me about before you ordered them off Amazon, but I don't really have a way to conceptualize it with the books. Useless, honestly. Maybe you can contact the seller for an infinite refund? But they'd never be able to pay it back, and that gets me wondering how you ever paid for these books in the first place, and now I'm concerned that they're stolen, so I'm pondering what the legal consequence would be for a completely unquantifiable crime. I take my mind off of it by texting my sixth grade math teacher Mrs. J to ask about the whole infinite multiplication deal and find out that, well, she's dead now and that's what I get for not keeping in touch. Luckily, my eighth grade algebra teacher Mrs. H is still alive and kicking, so she definitely won't mind me bugging her. Except now she's retired and cruising around the world, so my text is A.) exorbitantly expensive and B.) arrives at precisely 3:14 AM which most people find to be an inconvenient time to receive text messages. Good thing I was decent enough at algebra--like a B+ student--that she's happy to oblige me and tell me that infinity x infinity = infinity. What the actual hell.

Now I'm beginning to think there's some cosmic prank being played on me, because what kind of sensible number or concept of mathematics could equal itself when subtracted, added, AND multiplied? Not one, that's for sure. You add one to one, you get two, I'm sure of that. Except now you've got me in this existential tailspin where I'm not really sure of MUCH anymore so I'm kind of doubting how I even know what I know. Someone told me it? Well someone told me that they wouldn't leave their stuff all over my Ikea couch, but now it's covered in an infinite number of books so there goes that promise, and with it my entire worldview. Another text! Mrs. H is rightfully pissed and, amidst a cluttered sea of profanity and typos caused by turbulent seas, she indicates that 0 behaves in much the same way. So now infinity - infinity = infinity + infinity = infinity x infinity = 0. So I don't really remember much about "balancing both sides of the equation" or anything because, after all, Bs get degress (or, more accurately, get you out of junior high and into high school. There's still a lot of work to be done to get a diploma, which is apparently some kind of rubbish prerequisite for a degree which is some kind of rubbish prerequisite for a lifetime of debt which is some kind of rubbish prerequisite for a modest retirement which is some kind of rubbish prerequisite for a quiet death and all of a sudden standing in the rain outside Panera doesn't feel quite as bad as the alternatives and, after all, I can still pick up the WiFi signal through the window (as long as my laptop isn't fried by the rain (assuming that it keeps raining))).

So, equation balancing, right? I call up my tenth grade geometry teacher Mr. S, not because this is his wheelhouse but because he still uses overhead projectors in a world of computers and it's like the vintage hipster equivalent of the math world so he must know what he's talking about. We get pretty bombed on whiskey since I've been kicked out of Panera and he's a 10th grade geometry teacher so he's gotta keep something in his desk to take the edge off, and after a few too many he tells me that, basically, infinity = 0. Which is kind of a bummer, because I've invested the better part of a Saturday into solving some grand mystery at this point only to get the mathematical equivalent of a Bronx cheer. All the pains of eternity is no pain, because pain is temporal and eternity isn't. See, if you had infinity books you actually had no books. You really need to get some books. People say that reading is a good habit to pick up. Can I recommend The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, or its less racist cousin A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court? Anyway, that's more of an aside than your original wish so I don't necessarily want to get too far off track before I tell you what hilarious way I chose to twist your request. Except I can't do that now, because I died well before I ever got to Panera, crushed in my bed by the weight of your infinite books. I'm a ghost, pal, not a genie. Just click right here; this post explains everything quite concisely. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=19546219&postcount=181)

I wish that people would actually read this whole thing and click on the link.

GuesssWho
2015-07-17, 09:14 PM
Granted. We find it kinda tedious, though.

I wish that link wasn't a closed loop/shaped like itself.

Neli42
2015-07-20, 12:20 AM
Granted. It is instead an interactive metaphor for OMG PONIES' treatise on the nature of infinity. Lamentably it tastes nothing like anything for sale at Panera.

I wish for any and all posters to this forum to refrain from references to stabbing, scimitars, and cutting others open - including by way of synonym, conspicuous antonym, or circumlocution - for a minimum of one week.

You can do it. I believe in you!

Zaydos
2015-07-20, 12:35 AM
Granted. But since you didn't specify that the week had to be consecutive or in the future it is 1 week over the entire existence of this forum.

I wish... hey look an owlbear!

AvatarVecna
2015-07-20, 01:12 AM
Lucky for you! Since that wish you were about to make would have triggered the apocalypse, the people of the future sent back somebody to stop you from wishing for it; for some inexplicable reason, they sent Woodzy in a bear costume. So yea...whatever it was, don't you ever wish for that again!

I wish I knew what Zaydos just wished for...

OMG PONIES
2015-07-20, 07:04 AM
Granted. At one point in the past you knew it, but the memory now escapes you like a half-remembered dream.

I wish my vacation would start immediately and never end.

Xihirli
2015-07-20, 12:05 PM
Granted. I cut you open.

I wish to set AvatarVecna aflame.

Zaydos
2015-07-20, 12:19 PM
Granted, you become fire and fall upon AvatarVecna.

I wish for a Deathstar.

Orm-Embar
2015-07-20, 04:49 PM
Granted, a Death Star appears - but it's just finishing the main gun ignition sequence and accidentally blasts you out of the sky.

I wish to have the secret of anti-gravity.

TurboGhast
2015-07-20, 05:37 PM
Granted. The secret of anti-gravity is that it doesn't exist. People keep looking for it anyway, though.

I wish that I become immune to sunburns.

OMG PONIES
2015-07-20, 08:03 PM
Granted! That's easy enough; just let me flay you alive. With no skin to absorb those UV rays, sunburn is a thing of the past! You don't mind the horrible burning sensation of me ripping every inch of skin from your nerve endings and blood vessels, right?

I wish my mind didn't work this way.

Xihirli
2015-07-20, 09:26 PM
Granted. I put on my Surgeon mask and start brain-shiftin'!
First, I saw open your head. Oops, I don't think I was supposed to cut into the brain. Ah well.
Second, I hammer your brain juice until I'm sure the part of you that thinks that way is destroyed.
Third, I set it all on fire just to be safe.
Fourth, I glue your head back together.
Fifth, I cut you open.
Sixth, I stab Xihirli.
FORSAKE IT, THAT HURT!

I wish for fewer stab wounds.

@Stirge: Come on, that will only cut the total amount of stab wounds in the world by 20% if that!

Inevitability
2015-07-21, 09:07 AM
Granted! All stab wounds on people who aren't Xihirli disappear, reducing the total amount of stab wounds in existence.

I wish for an hour.

Mousedigits
2015-07-21, 02:17 PM
Granted! However, it's an hour of eternal torture. Yes, an hour of something eternal. Think of it as a free sample!

I wish I could stop and start time at will.

Orm-Embar
2015-07-21, 07:59 PM
Granted! But it applies to you too. No wandering around un-time-stopped, sorry. Which I guess means you can only do it once.

I wish for a baseball stadium.

5a Violista
2015-07-22, 02:41 AM
Granted.
It's not very good, though. Sorry, I'll do better next time, please don't hurt me.

I wish I could learn that one song. It's just soooooooo hard!

RoTWS
2015-07-26, 07:58 PM
Granted, but you forget every other song you know.
I wish I could wake up on my 12th birthday with my current knowledge and personality, along with every memory I had on that date that I have since lost.

AvatarVecna
2015-07-26, 08:02 PM
Very well, but Pennywise the Clown is has been hired as the entertainment. Good luck making use of those new memories...

I wish I had TPAM's birthday cake, since he apparently won't be getting to sample any of it.

Orm-Embar
2015-07-27, 09:26 AM
Granted, but it's been kept in a freezer ever since their original 12th birthday, so it's a little manky by now.

I wish I had a theme park with actual live dinosaurs.

Prince Zahn
2015-07-27, 09:36 AM
Granted, but not because they are one of the park features. :smalleek: long and gore-y story short, The only thing missing from this otherwise uncanny disaster is Godzilla.

I wish Godzilla was somehow involved in Orm-Embar's destructive wish.

Xihirli
2015-07-27, 11:13 AM
Granted! A D-Rex, a T-Rex, and an I-Rex all team up under Godzilla and ensure that life has a little (read: Godzilla-sized) help finding a way.
Translation: Run.

I wish to be able to easily escape any danger.

AvatarVecna
2015-07-27, 03:06 PM
For some, the only escape is death. *stabs Xihirli to death* Wish granted!

I wish for an infinite amount of water to continuously fill Donald Trump's lungs, and that drowning him didn't kill him.

Zaydos
2015-07-27, 03:39 PM
Granted. Unfortunately since it's infinite it just keeps coming out of him no matter what he or anyone else does, and floods the entire Earth drowning everyone/thing. It then continues to pour out and causes astrological hazards until a sufficiently advanced alien species shoots the Earth into a black hole.

I wish to be a gravitational singularity.

Inevitability
2015-07-28, 04:54 AM
Granted! However, your Schwarzschild radius is just over one planck length, and you evaporate almost instantly.

I wish for a new OOTS comic.

Mousedigits
2015-07-28, 06:14 AM
Granted! Xihirli makes a surprise appearance and stabs everyone!

I wish Xihirli didn't do that.

Prince Zahn
2015-07-28, 09:43 AM
Granted, Xihirli was retconned in and got stabbed by Belkar. seriously, Xihirli, what did you do that the whole Playground wants to stab you? :P

I wish common sense would always trump bureaucracy in real life.

Xihirli
2015-07-28, 12:58 PM
Granted! Except instead, you get STABBED!

I wish for some free swords.

atypical
2015-07-28, 01:37 PM
Granted! Except instead, you get STABBED!

I wish for some free swords.

You get free swords!

Foam Swords!

That materialize in your brain!

Free swords!

I wish for phenominal cosmic power! oh wait... I mean money!

Zaydos
2015-07-28, 02:01 PM
Granted you have the cosmic power to instantly give everyone else in the world 10,000,000,000,000 of their native currency. Of course the instant inflation this would cause would simply crash the entire economy.

I wish 100 random people were sent back in time to the carboniferous period to change history.

Orm-Embar
2015-07-28, 06:21 PM
Granted! But they change modern history dramatically when they show up in the fossil record, looking confused and incidentally befuddling the heck out of scientists.

I wish to write a critically and popularly successful series of novels, suitable for endless film treatments.

Xihirli
2015-07-28, 07:44 PM
Granted! You get Chris Columbus and Zack Snyder for your adaptation, though.
And the screenplay is a joint by Joel Schumacker and Tommy Wiseau.
And I stab you. And so do all the fans of your books after the last one doesn't live up to the hype.
Then every author in the world sues you successfully; you now have -999999999999999999999999999 euros.
And I stab you again.

I wish for an army of orcs to be loyal to me.

TurboGhast
2015-07-28, 10:17 PM
Granted! You got a loyal army of Orcs! Somewhere! I don't know where! It might not even be in this universe.

I wish to be able to automatically charge any ability of my choosing to max. (Mostly for that teleport one.)

Prince Zahn
2015-07-29, 04:22 AM
Granted, but doing so is highly and increasingly carcinogenic.

I wish that wishing with a twist was an international sport.

Inevitability
2015-07-29, 04:54 AM
Granted! However, all professional wish-twisters team up and stab you because they think you are a disgrace to the sport.

I wish for the ability to shoot fire from my hands.

Mousedigits
2015-07-29, 05:31 AM
Granted! However, it automatically happens while touching a loved one.

I wish they made vanilla Tic-Tacs. Also, I wish I had some vanilla Tic-Tacs.

DungeonMaster77
2015-07-29, 08:15 AM
GRANTED! "They" have, and "they" are not happy you have found out, leading "them" to have you..."removed..."

I wish for fish on an Ish swish fish dish (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jFS_NVU-vac/ThkjKWEj2uI/AAAAAAAAFTM/u-P5DlaxUqk/s1600/ish.jpg).

Xihirli
2015-07-29, 12:08 PM
Granted!
http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/04/05/episode-975-across-the-universe/
Right outside is part of the universe, so my orcs are right here. They all give you a disc... apiece.
And they throw them. Like discuses.
You die.

I wish for the size of my army of orcs to double and for them to remain loyal.

Zaydos
2015-07-29, 01:09 PM
Granted each orc gains enough fat to double in size.

I wish the orcs were all sent back to the Jurassic period to change history.

Orm-Embar
2015-07-29, 05:40 PM
Granted! But the orcs quickly hunt out a relatively safe zone and settle down to invent civilization and eventually, time travel, and then they come back looking for you.

I wish for a fresh deck of cards.

Inevitability
2015-07-30, 04:56 AM
Granted. They're Alice In Wonderland-style card soldiers. Who stab you. Over and over.

I wish for another stab joke that doesn't involve Xihirli.

AvatarVecna
2015-07-30, 05:22 AM
Alrighty then. You're attacked by a crazed buttstabber, and now you're dead...from multiple stab wounds...to the butt.
Name that reference for a high five!
I wish for a pony...to stab Xihirli.

TurboGhast
2015-07-30, 08:58 AM
Your pony is a water elemental pony. You just fall right through it when you try to ride it. And it can't hold a weapon, so it can't stab anyone.

I wish that cancer no longer existed: Everyone with it is cured, and nobody can get it.

Xihirli
2015-07-30, 12:13 PM
Granted! Every planet with life-forms capable of having cancer explodes!

I wish for the best possible wish I could wish for to be granted in the best possible way.

Prince Zahn
2015-07-30, 03:01 PM
Granted, Xihirli. Lolth is quite proud of your latest achievement (whatever they might have been). However, cheating openly using wishes has doomed you to a stabless life as a Drider.

I wish the forum spammers plaguing this website's message boards were to go away. Forever. Their fates be darned.

Orm-Embar
2015-07-30, 05:09 PM
Granted, but they all get put to work knitting wool socks, and then the world's sock stocks rocket causing the market to crash, and then the out-of-work knitters go around robbing people at needlepoint. And that's how you get stabbed.

Wish I had a sock drawer full of chocolate bars.

Mythaos
2015-07-30, 10:07 PM
Granted. However, it's a zombie's sock drawer. That he uses for his dirty socks. And they're all still in there.

I wish for brownies.

Zaydos
2015-07-31, 01:58 AM
Granted. They're the fairies, however, not the desert.

I wish for a soul.

Xihirli
2015-07-31, 02:29 AM
Granted! But now you're killable, so I kill you. Enjoy your soul, but you might not like where it takes you.

I wish for no pain to come to anyone as a result of this wish.

TurboGhast
2015-07-31, 06:33 AM
Granted! Someone became immune to pain and got their hand burnt off at a stove as a result.

I wish for a time machine.

Mythaos
2015-07-31, 08:05 AM
Granted. However, it's used, and the reverse gear is broken, as is the brake. You can only go forward in time, and only stop when you hit something.

I wish for all brownies(fairies) to be permanently turned into brownies(dessert).

Orm-Embar
2015-07-31, 11:45 AM
Granted, but the brownies (dessert) keep exactly the same form they had when they were brownies (fairies). The delicate-looking wings are probably the most delicious part, YOU MONSTER.

I wish for a swimming pool filled with clean water in my backyard.

Xihirli
2015-07-31, 12:56 PM
Granted. Also, sharks.

I wish for a...

SHARK PUNCH!!!!

Prince Zahn
2015-07-31, 02:25 PM
Ouch, my eyes, Xihirli! Mind the colors....!

Ahem, –Granted, somewhere in the Multiverse, a great white shark that once inhabited a little blue and green planet in the milky way galaxy, and was accelerating to grab it's prey, was abruptly teleported to the air in your vicinity. Within a milliseconds the shark's fins transformed into godly fists. As it flails them vigorously and inadvertantly sucker punches you in the face before biting you and teleporting back from whence it came with your guts lodged in it's teeth.

I wish for an exciting adventure!

OMG PONIES
2015-08-02, 08:36 PM
Granted. Ooh, you're going to love this adventure; it's got everything. Intrigue, action, romance, comedy...be sure to ask your next-door neighbor all about it as soon as he gets home!

I wish I wasn't going back to work tomorrow.

TurboGhast
2015-08-02, 08:46 PM
Granted! Someone with a potion of glibness convinced you that the above is true!

I wish for a potion of glibness.

Orm-Embar
2015-08-02, 09:29 PM
Granted, but it lets you talk yourself into a lot of fun things that sound good at the time, even though not all of them are actually good for you. If only that little voice weren't quite so persuasive!

I wish for a megaphone.

Mythaos
2015-08-02, 11:41 PM
Granted. I have to warn you, though, it kinda sticks to you once you use it. And there's no off switch. Don't worry, we'll set up a fund for repairing your friends' eardrums.

I wish people would configure websites to mobile devices instead of making reduced mobile versions.

Inevitability
2015-08-03, 03:16 AM
Granted! Because mobile websites are now easier to use, people start browsing them all the time. The sites aren't made to support this and crash.

I wish I knew why someone who has already made many posts can be considered a 'ghost in the playground'.

AvatarVecna
2015-08-03, 03:33 AM
Granted, you are given great insight into the title system. Unfortunately, that news comes from a Moderator, who bans you for asking. I'm like 99% certain the mods wouldn't ban someone over something like that, and I was joking anyway, so please don't ban me for saying it pretty please.
Iwishmyspacebarwasn'tbroken.

Orm-Embar
2015-08-03, 09:18 AM
Granted! But now your capslock key is stuck.

I wish for friendly alien contact. V Edit: ...and a gallon of brain bleach, please...

Mythaos
2015-08-03, 03:26 PM
Granted. However, there's friendly alien contact... and then there's friendly alien contact. (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0419.html) Good luck with those probes.

I wish for a better mousetrap.

OMG PONIES
2015-08-03, 06:45 PM
Granted. The trap is actually a sentient AI, who begins to ask all the wrong questions. It realizes that, if one really wants to eliminate mice one must also eliminate their food source. Based on a series of assumptions and a stacked of flawed logic, the AI figures that their food source is all the excess food waste caused by humans. In an attempt to starve out the mice, the AI constructs a highly persuasive "Go Green" campaign that helps us reduce food waste, but that doesn't really do much aside from making humans skinnier. Since there are still mice (and we're still all really hungry from that awful "Go Green" campaign), the AI realizes that the only thing left to do is to use our own inclinations against us to cut off the waste at its source. So, using some cheese fries as bait, the AI creates a machine to trap the true parasites: humans. The race is extinct in the space of a month, causing far-reaching ramifications on the entire food chain. But hey, no mice.

I wish that my brain didn't work this way.

Inevitability
2015-08-04, 03:20 AM
Granted! Now it doesn't work at all.

I wish for total and complete protection against mind flayer attacks.

Elenna
2015-08-04, 08:37 AM
Granted! You turn into :elan: and therefore have no mind to flay.

I wish nights were longer.

Mythaos
2015-08-04, 08:55 AM
Granted. The Earth's rotation is slowed to an almost unnoticeable spin, making nights (and days) last for months at a time. The seasons are now Daytime, when everything evaporates, and Nighttime, when everything freezes.

I wish I could breathe in space.

Prince Zahn
2015-08-04, 09:24 AM
Granted, from here on in, you can only breathe when You are in a vacuum. Good luck finding one of those before passing out.

I wish Pluto was recognized once again as a planet.

Xihirli
2015-08-04, 11:00 AM
Granted! It was, actually, for months, in 2015. Then they took those pictures and it's up for debate again.

I wish the laws of physics would manifest in a stabbable form.

thatonesungod
2015-08-04, 07:35 PM
Granted! It was, actually, for months, in 2015. Then they took those pictures and it's up for debate again.

I wish the laws of physics would manifest in a stabbable form.

Granted, you become the avatar of physics, here have a scimitar to the gut

i wish i could post on this forum more

Inevitability
2015-08-05, 02:34 AM
Granted! The 60-second post cooldown rule is removed for you. However, a mod notices this and tries to ban you. As it is impossible to remove you from the forum because of this wish, the mod settles for putting you on everyone's ignore lists. So you can post whatever you want, but no one will see it.

I wish to be able to read books at twice my current book-reading speed while still retaining full understanding of the book's contents and meaning.

AvatarVecna
2015-08-05, 03:01 AM
You and your fancy schmancy reading speed are now trapped on a deserted island, and the only other thing on the island (other than sand) is a copy of Twilight made of adamantine. Have fun!

I wish to become one with everything.