In Dire Need of One Liners

[Alzun]

Hello good members of Giant in the Playground, I am in need of some help.

So my current character for 5e is a Dragonborn Paladin who has sworn the Oath of Vengeance. Backstory not really important at this point, but I have decided that this character has a penchant for one liners. Whether to make a dramatic entrance or alleviate tension, he spews them out with alarming frequency. The only problem is I can't come up with enough of them to satisfy my Paladin.

So, go nuts. I want to hear any and every idea you guys have. Doesn't matter if they are silly, insane, or overdramatic- the more ludicrous the better. He's a rather serious PC right now and I need to make him more enjoyable (although serious one liners are appreciated as well.)

Just to start us off:

"I am not the judge, nor am I the jury-but I am the executioner."

[Easy_Lee]

A party member critically fails a roll, makes a fool of himself, or otherwise screws up: "This is why we can't have nice things."

[Bubzors]

Does your paladin worship a god? Throw in some references to the.

"Insert diety shall see me prevail"
"By the power of Insert diety I will smite thee!"
"May Insert diety bless your day"
"Insert diety has shown me nothing but victory"
"Through the power of my diety I shall touch you and heal you of all that ails you..."


And so on. Well except for the last one. Might be funny to have him invoking that sort of thing all the time. Even better when not appropriate in the situation.

[Mando Knight]

Spontaneity is the heart of a witty one-liner. Generic or over-practiced "perfect" ones can fall flat where a timely yet "imperfect" one that references the current situation would get results. The best way to practice spontaneity is to just make more bad one-liners (while trying not to re-use them).

That said, if someone tries to pull the "wouldn't hit a girl" card, "The Hammer of Justice is unisex (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFb2NExVIWU)" is a good line.

[squab]

A "good" line often used in Archer... "Damnit I had something for this!" Bonus points if another character replies with a good line.

[Ruslan]

"I shall smite thee with my mighty blade" is a perennial favorite.

[Ninja_Prawn]

If none of your fellows are familiar with the Baldur's Gate games (or the various other places he's appeared), I recommend mining Minsc's lines. He's not a paladin, but he is hilarious.

"Where Minsc goes, evil stands aside!"

"Jump on my sword while you can, evil; I won't be as gentle!"

[Ralanr]

A "good" line often used in Archer... "Damnit I had something for this!" Bonus points if another character replies with a good line.

I was gonna suggest, "I forgot what I was going to say! But it would have been menacing/helpful/comforting/appropriate/ etc"

Archer is great for one-liners though. "Jazz-hands!"
"Your authority is not recognized under fort kickass"

Another one could be, "I need a drink"

And because borderlands, "One liner!!!!!"

[KorvinStarmast]

Some Vengeance one liners that may be of assistance:

When attacking someone after the vow of enmity has been used:

"I'm gonna enjoy this."

A few Dirty Harry throwaways ...

"Do you feel lucky punk?" (or "Orc" or Ogre or whatever as sub for punk).
"This is a Divine Smite, the most powerful haymaker in the world."
"So, did I use three spell slots or four? In all this excitement, I lost count."

When applying the laying on of hands:

"Good for what ails you."
"You're in good hands, with (______insert Paladin's name). "

When mounting on steed

"Load 'em in, move 'em up ... Rawhide!"

Upon slaying an enemy after the vow combat (see above)

"Vengeance is mine sayeth the sword."

[Stormthroe]

My witch doctor character spews out jamaican patois like its going out of style, coupled with stereotypes regarding the hollywood portrayal of voodoo.

For a Dragonborn Paladin...hmmm.

When combat initiates, you can always say something witty or demeaning to the enemy.

"Oh goody...I was getting bored."
"INSERT DEITY has seen fit to bless us with a fight!"
"May INSERT DEITY have mercy on the soul, for I will show none to the body."

You said he uses them to break tension, there's always the classic "That escalated quickly."

Alternatively,

"Must we ALWAYS make new friends?"
"Fear not, for INSERT DEITY will protect us."

For dramatic entrances...hmmm. Depending on the way your paladin appears,

"I am here to do the holy work. Also, to look fabulous. That's the easier part."
"Someone needed a hero?"

One of the paladins a friend played died heroically in a battle with a demon so that the rest of the party could warn the world of an impending incursion in a campaign I ran. I may misquote him, but for the entire fight, he said random one-liners with pseudo-holy/heroic threads.

"Sometimes the good must perish that the rest survive."
"Fear has no place in the heart of the devout."
"Zeal and Fury are rewarded by Victory."

Also, maybe check out some of the quotes from inquisitors and witch hunters from the games-workshop novels. They have a load of one-liners and quotes you can use, but don't be afraid to make them up on the spot either!

[Shining Wrath]

First, I suggest you name his weapon. "Deathstroke says hello to your heart" and things like that.

"Vengeance ... is sweet" with a lick of the lips after dropping a foe.

"I came, I saw, I avenged".

"Vengeance is mine".

"Who will weep for you?"

"We all will die someday. You shall die today".

"Your last breath will not atone for your crimes".

EDIT:

"Evil fear, [character name] is here!"

"I'm here to slay evil and chew bubblegum, and a kender stole all my bubblegum"

"I haven't killed an evildoer in hours, and I'm getting hungry"

[JAL_1138]

Soldier: Sir, what shall we do? For we cannot distinguish between the faithful and the heretics.
Abbot Amalric: Caedite eos. Novit enim Dominus qui sunt eius. ("Kill them all. The Lord knoweth them that are His.")

[Shining Wrath]

Soldier: Sir, what shall we do? For we cannot distinguish between the faithful and the heretics.
Abbot Amalric: Caedite eos. Novit enim Dominus qui sunt eius. ("Kill them all. The Lord knoweth them that are His.")

That's not something a Vengeance Paladin would say ... it's the sort of thing that CREATES a Vengeance Paladin, looking for Amalric.

[Mrmox42]

"My Sword is the truth. Can you withstand the truth?"

"You shall go to your god - headless, legless and armless. Your god will be amused."

"Stand aside, make way for the righteous!"

"Have you not heard of me? Too bad, very soon you will not hear of anything ever again"

"Milk for the little ones, strong liquor for MEN!"

"I am a paladin, and I am right! Always!"

"Never let a weakling do a strong mans job."

"And the gods spoke in unison: never let the wicked go unpunished!"

"A weasel, a snake, a sinner. All are beneath contempt."

"Eat while you can, fight when you must, sleep when you grow old."

[Mrmox42]

Almaric was hard on the Cathars, wasnt he?

[JAL_1138]

That's not something a Vengeance Paladin would say ... it's the sort of thing that CREATES a Vengeance Paladin, looking for Amalric.

P. 88: Often neutral or lawful neutral.
[...]"By any means necessary. My qualms can't get in the way of exterminating my foes."


Almaric was hard on the Cathars, wasnt he?
Well, the Pope did send him to kill them. Not that "following orders" is a defense. Initially it was irregulars doing the killing, who attacked without orders and broke the defenses, whereon Amalric and the crusaders followed them in and joined the slaughter. And joined in to protect the loot from the town (for themselves)--which set off the irregulars, who turned around and burnt the whole place down. By his own account, 20,000 dead at Beziers.

[Death knight 00]

when another player asks you why you did something or why you are acting this way you laugh and say "Carpe deum, my friend carpe deum"

[Ninja_Prawn]

I have decided that this character has a penchant for one liners. Whether to make a dramatic entrance or alleviate tension, he spews them out with alarming frequency.


...the irregulars, who turned around and burnt the whole place down. By his own account, 20,000 dead at Beziers.

Well, this thread escalated quickly!

[VoxRationis]

Does your paladin worship a god? Throw in some references to the.

"Insert diety shall see me prevail"
"By the power of Insert diety I will smite thee!"
"May Insert diety bless your day"
"Insert diety has shown me nothing but victory"
"Through the power of my diety I shall touch you and heal you of all that ails you..."


And so on. Well except for the last one. Might be funny to have him invoking that sort of thing all the time. Even better when not appropriate in the situation.

Even funnier if your paladin forgets to replace "Insert deity" with the name of his deity.


"I shall smite thee with my mighty blade" is a perennial favorite.

"Smite thee with my mighty blade?"


when another player asks you why you did something or why you are acting this way you laugh and say "Carpe deum, my friend carpe deum"

Your deity may object to being grabbed. A lot of them are kind of touchy like that.

[EvanescentHero]

Ah yes, Insert Deity, the god of blank spaces. A favorite of mine!

[PhantomRenegade]

"The enemy brought golems.... GOOD my sword needed sharpening"(in this scenario these are wetstone golems)

[CantigThimble]

Always remember, the BEST one liner is a 15ft line of fire.

[Inevitability]

"Redemption Equals Death, hm? (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RedemptionEqualsDeath) Let's hope it works the other way around, too." *Smites at will*

[Anderlith]

"Good? Bad? I'm the guy with the sword"

"Remember when I said I'd smite you last? I lied"

Use a spell to annihilate an infidel "Oh that's what that does"

"I'm gonna shove this sword so far up your @$$ that it's holy light is gonna shine out your face"

"Don't run, you'll just die tired"

"I got your mercy right here!" Gesture lewdly to your genitals

Tell a group of evil sinners (x number) "Alright I'm gonna behead (x-1), but one of ya's gonna have his head up the another's @$$! You should spend a minute to decide amongst yourselves cause you won't like it if I have to choose!"

"I am the scales of Justice!" (Bonus points because it's a pun on your race)

[Ralanr]

"I am not a tall kobold!"

Because no one has made the joke. Probably not a good joke, and I only came up with it now. But I think it's good.

[Shining Wrath]

"Prepare to feel my steel through your last meal!"

"I don't want to kill you, but I must. Wait ... actually, I do want to kill you."

"I tire of setting right your wrongs. Today I wrong you."

[Ninja_Prawn]

"I am not a tall kobold!"


"I'm a dragon, ok? A very streamlined, highly-concentrated dragon."

[Ralanr]

"I tire of setting right your wrongs. Today I wrong you."

"I'm tired of setting rights. Let's make you wrong."

Not the best but I wanted to work of your last one. Which is very nice.

"It's Smiting time!"
"Burn in the sacred flames of vengeance!"
"I'll question your corpse!"
"I'm a smite happy machine until I run out of slots. Bet you'll be dead before that."

[Ninja_Prawn]

"I'll question your corpse!"


"No, seriously, I will. Our cleric prepared Speak with Dead this morning."

[comk59]

Actually, just the line "Our cleric prepared Speak With Dead this morning." Could be intimidating in it's own right.

Also

"That's how you get ants!"

[Anderlith]

Don't forget we aren't doing "Phrasing!" anymore & that makes me sad

[Ralanr]

Don't forget we aren't doing "Phrasing!" anymore & that makes me sad

But...but...phrasing...

[Lord Ruby34]

Enemy: Who are you?
Paladin: Justice.

Alternatively, "I have been many things to many people. Today, to you, I am Justice.

[comk59]

Enemy: Who are you?
Paladin: Justice.

Alternatively, "I have been many things to many people. Today, to you, I am Justice.

Why overcomplicate it? Just answer every question with "justice".


"Who are you?"
"JUSTICE."

"What do you want?"
"JUSTICE."

"Sir, would you like anything with your beverage?"
"JUST ICE."

[Ralanr]

Why overcomplicate it? Just answer every question with "justice".


"Who are you?"
"JUSTICE."

"What do you want?"
"JUSTICE."

"Sir, would you like anything with your beverage?"
"JUST ICE."

Someone saw the Nostalgia Critic's review of Daredevil. :smallbiggrin:

[Shining Wrath]

"It's SMITING TIME!" #HatTipToTheThing
"Smite first, and ask questions later"
"He who smites last, smites best"
"Have you ever asked yourself "Is life worth living?"? Soon you will know".

[Ralanr]

"You got SMITE!"

[KorvinStarmast]

"This won't hurt me more than it hurts you."

[JAL_1138]

"And St. Cuthbert raised the cudgel up on high, saying, I, the Lord, bless this My holy cudgel, so that with it I may knock some sense into these idiots by clobbering them upon the head, in My mercy."

[Shining Wrath]

"I'm going to find out if you are evil all the way through".

[Ghost Nappa]

"And St. Cuthbert raised the cudgel up on high, saying, I, the Lord, bless this My holy cudgel, so that with it I may knock some sense into these idiots by clobbering them upon the head, in My mercy."

Because most D&D worlds are polytheistic... (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gC1cjxx9Um0)

Not technically one line, but it's for the orphans out there. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JGp7Meg42U)

[Mrmox42]

“I laugh in the face of danger, in the face of evil, in the face of YOU!”

“Now, this sword will do, what a sword does best.”

“Nobody likes a loser. And nobody likes you. Do you see a connection?”

“I smell a rat. Do you like cheese?”

“This is my happy face. You should see me, when I’m angry.”

“My enemy is dear to me. He gives me a reason to get up in the morning.”

“Be quiet. Listen to the truth. The only truth. My truth.”

[Empirespy]

*Bursts through door*
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

[KorvinStarmast]

"You don't want to see me when I'm angry."
Bill Bixby for the win.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077031/movieconnections

[recapdrake]

Well you could always be super duper "original" and use "on seeyen de uh tard el he och" when you do a vow of emnity