Iron Poet XXII

[Vaynor]

Welcome to Iron Poet, Round Twenty-Two!

Rules

1) Only the first 16 respondents expressing a desire to compete will be the contestants. It IS a first come, first served basis.

2) The contest will consist of a number of rounds pitting 2 randomly determined poets against each other until only one contestant remains (winner).

3) Each match-up will be given a theme, picture, article, subject, or other criteria to write on, and the poem submitted must match this as much as possible. Stricter following of prompts may help you win. Prompts that are words may be interpreted in any way (and any form of the word can be used), but keep in mind the judge may not see the connection if it's too ambiguous.

4) The winner as determined by a panel of judges will advance to the next round.

5) In case of a judge or judges not posting judgments in a timely manner, Vaynor will adjudicate and determine the winner.

6) The poems will be limited to 1000 words with a 50 word minimum

7) The entries will be poems. All forms of poetry are acceptable, as long as they meet the required word lengths. If your chosen style is too short, you are free to make two of them, e.g. you may make a limerick with 48 words, then add another limerick, still following the same theme, to reach the required word length.

8) All posted deadlines will given in as much time zones as possible, as labeled.

9) No late entries will be accepted. If you don't post or fail to post by the deadline, you will be disqualified. A 15 minute grace period is allowed. You have one freebie per contest, use it wisely. This allows you to be up to half a day late (12 hours) with your poem (no more).

10) If your entry does not include the article(s) and the picture(s), you will most likely lose because of it, however this will not disqualify your poem, as poems are judged on best use of the prompts.

11) The judgments are final. What the judges decide is how it is.

12) The entries will only include content suitable for the Playground.

13) Anything not clear will be decided by me.

14) The contestants will have 1 week (roughly) from the bracket posting to get their entries posted.

15) Post your poems in spoilers. Judges: do not read poems before the round ends.

16) Feel free to edit the post with your poem in it until the round ends. After that, any additional edits will disqualify you (barring a use of your half-day extension).

17) Judges have 1 week to complete judgments. If not all judges respond by this time, the round will be decided as if the late judges were not a part of it (i.e. if there are 5 judges to begin with and only 3 are on time, the round will be decided with 2 votes as opposed to 3). If there are only an even number of judgments, I will cast the remaining vote. If the first round has 16 contestants, the time for judgments to be posted will be increased to two weeks.

18) At the end of each contest, everyone still reading the thread will be able to anonymously vote on their favorite poem of the entire contest (encompassing all rounds). The poem with the most votes will win the "Best of Show" award!

THE IRON POET HALL OF FAME
1. Ravyn (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=43424)
2. Rubakhin (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=54933)
3. Elvaris (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=69302)
4. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=76283)
5. Truemane (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=82545)
6. Devigod (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=93376)
7. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=106066)
8. Devigod (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=119306)
9. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=141907)
10. Elvaris (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=155861)
11. Rutskarn (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=172822)
12. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=182448)
13. averagejoe (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=193836)
14. Asthix (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=213888)
15. truemane (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=226578)
16. Techwarrior (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=247178)
17. Halberd (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=262208)
18. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=274330)
19. Dr Bwaa (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?302742-Iron-Poet-XIX)
20. The Extinguisher (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?355331-Iron-Poet-XX)
21. truemane (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?388869-Iron-Poet-XXI)

Contestants:


FinnLassie
Benthesquid
Szilard
SaintRidley
SeptimusFabrius
Duck999
Jormengard
Elvaris


Judges:

CWater
Lethologica
Vaynor




POTENTIAL APPLICANTS FOR THE JUDGE POSITION TAKE NOTE: THESE CONTESTS LAST A LONG TIME AND THIS IS NOT A FLEETING RESPONSIBILITY. IF YOU SIGN UP I EXPECT YOU TO POST JUDGMENTS ON TIME. IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO POST JUDGMENTS, TELL ME. THANK YOU.

[Lethologica]

I'd like to compete.

[FinnLassie]

Mmm, yeah, Vaynor, gimme dat sweet, sweet Iron Poetin' :smallamused:

... I'm competing, is what I'd like to say.

[Benthesquid]

I'll have a go.

[Vaynor]

Mmm, yeah, Vaynor, gimme dat sweet, sweet Iron Poetin' :smallamused:

...I don't know if I want to anymore.

[Szilard]

I'd like to compete. :smallsmile:

[FinnLassie]

...I don't know if I want to anymore.

Too late to escape now... :smallamused:

[Lethologica]

There once was a poet named Lassie
Whom Vaynor did think of as classy
But with a position
In his competition
He found she was truly quite sassy

('scuse me if the pronouns don't fit)

[Vaynor]

I was about to pronounce you the winner of this competition and post the thread for Iron Poet XXIII, but then I realized you were under the 50 word limit. Too bad.

[SaintRidley]

Sure. Let's give it another go.

[Lethologica]

I was about to pronounce you the winner of this competition and post the thread for Iron Poet XXIII, but then I realized you were under the 50 word limit. Too bad.
Spring turns to summer
As competition thrives on
Technicality

[FinnLassie]

There once was a poet named Lassie
Whom Vaynor did think of as classy
But with a position
In his competition
He found she was truly quite sassy

('scuse me if the pronouns don't fit)

I'm sigging this, and I'll be sigging this good.

[Lethologica]

immortalized, huzzah :smallredface:

[Vaynor]

Spring turns to summer
As competition thrives on
Technicality

I appreciate your attention to the often forgotten attribute of a haiku: the seasonal reference.

[Duck999]

I'd like to compete (and believe I am improving).

[Jormengand]

I realise I'm bad, but I'll give this a go.

[FinnLassie]

Oh buh, people should stop lounging in their summer feels and get into some poet feels. We needs dem people!

[Vaynor]

Come on guys, we need 8 more contestants and some judges!

[Lethologica]

...would it help if we said we had cookies?

[Vaynor]

Depends, do we?

[Lethologica]

Well, the cookies were only expressed within the hypothetical, so I guess we don't. Pity.

[Jormengand]

I, for one, have cookies.

[Elvaris]

Will write for cookies.

[FinnLassie]

Could we lure people in with Finnish slaps on the ear (http://www.lauraadamache.ro/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/korvapuusti-briose-finlandeze.jpg)? It's, it's just a literal translation of the Finnish cinnamon buns, I swear!

[Lethologica]

Consider me lured!

Wait...

they look really yummy tho

[CWater]

Could we lure people in with Finnish slaps on the ear (http://www.lauraadamache.ro/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/korvapuusti-briose-finlandeze.jpg)? It's, it's just a literal translation of the Finnish cinnamon buns, I swear!

Aagh, don't post such links, now I have the craving for one! And just today when I wouldn't have needed to walk to the shop for lunch... XD

I will compete too. ...Or judge if you'll have me, though I'm afraid I've yet to get judgements done for every round in a single competition. Sorry...

[Vaynor]

Since this is taking so long to get contestants, I think that we should just do a contest with 8 people starting. Would any of the contestants mind dropping out and judging instead? I'll be the third judge if that happens.

[Lethologica]

Well, since I've already won and all that, I can magnanimously concede my spot to judge. and avoid dropping out in the first round of the actual contest but shut up

[Vaynor]

Thanks Lethologica! Let's get this show on the road.

Iron Poet XXII: Round One

This round's theme is going to be biographical poems. You will be receiving a portrait of a person, real or imaginary, and they must be the focus of your poem. Your poem doesn't necessarily have to be biographical in a literal sense, just as long as that person is the focus. They could be the object of the poem (a lover of the narrator, perhaps) or the writer, or anything along those lines. In the cases of the portrait being of an actual person whose life is known to you (likely a famous person in this example) you are free to base the poem on the actual person. It can also be based on a hypothetical person that is simply inspired by the portrait itself and not the actual person, if you wish. If you need any clarification just let me know.

Jormengard vs. FinnLassie: Self-Portrait (http://stefanress.deviantart.com/art/Self-portrait-284704002)
Elvaris vs. Szilard: W.B. Yeats (http://www.npg.org.uk/collections/search/portraitLarge/mw163509/WB-Yeats)
SaintRidley vs. Benthesquid: Sir Nicholas Throckmorton (http://www.npg.org.uk/collections/search/portraitLarge/mw06339/Sir-Nicholas-Throckmorton)
Duck999 vs. SeptimusFabrius: Dreaming child (http://xxaihxx.deviantart.com/art/Dreaming-child-oil-paint-on-linen-canvas-332005534)

Deadline: Wednesday, July 22nd 2015 at 11:59pm EDT (UTC -4).

[Jormengand]

Question: are we allowed to use formatting for effect in our poems, or should they make sense as plain text?

[Vaynor]

You are allowed to format your poem however you'd like. People have used [code] tags in the past.

[Lethologica]

How are the prompts chosen? These are really interesting images.

[FinnLassie]

Aaaaaaaaargh I have the most perfect inspiration but I really need to sleep >:I

Damn it Vaynor! Damn this competition!

No really, I'm cool have some delicious slaps on ears. :smallsmile: Mmm... Cinnamon...

[Vaynor]

How are the prompts chosen? These are really interesting images.

I just search for images based on the theme, or whatever I feel like using. I usually just search DeviantArt for images.


Aaaaaaaaargh I have the most perfect inspiration but I really need to sleep >:I

Damn it Vaynor! Damn this competition!

No really, I'm cool have some delicious slaps on ears. :smallsmile: Mmm... Cinnamon...

Exactly as I planned. :smallamused:

[FinnLassie]

Starting my poem, but damn this one is going to take me a lot of research.

[FinnLassie]

.... And it actually took a lot less research than I thought. Now I gotta get back to my actual uni work. Which will also involve making a poem. :smalltongue:

MUH POYEM

Prompt: Self-Portrait
(http://stefanress.deviantart.com/art/Self-portrait-284704002)
I can take no pride in my silky blonde hair
Freckles on my cheek, skin smooth and fair
It simply means no one cares when I'm near
Others get stares but my coast is clear

I can wear my hood as a shield and comfort
When others have to run away in horror
Though there are white hoods even worse
People who are this earth's vile curse

I can not understand when my people cry
Saying how their heritage is going to die
Spewing these words and holding the flag
When our ancestors put dark heads in a bag

I can hold my rifle as I browse the aisles
There's no need for me to run away for miles
Stand your ground when you're not in threat
We lost another life but pigs don't do regret

I can kill and I will receive sympathy
They would praise my past quite religiously
"He was a good student, gentleman indeed!"
Yet they will not point out all the drugs and weed

I can break my bubble and set myself free
We are coddled from birth in make-believe
Where white is just white and black is bad
Forgetting not just them have deadbeat dads

I can end this but I can't do it alone
When I ask for help my people moan
As if their tainted throne was threatened by this
Holding each other doesn't mean the end of bliss

[SaintRidley]

Hmm. I've played with spacing before, but maybe there are hypertext elements I can play with as well. By that I mean is it cool to embed a link within the text of the poem?

Here's the poem, by the way.

Inspiration: Sir Nicholas Throckmorton (http://www.npg.org.uk/collections/search/portraitLarge/mw06339/Sir-Nicholas-Throckmorton)


Throckmorton

A portrait hangs in London, painted oil ,
no fades or cracks or other flaws. Timeless,
perhaps a day, ten years, or hundreds old,
survives the legacy of its subject,
ruffle-necked man of court and legend (http://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=mdp.39015083979735;view=1up;seq=25).
The subject stares, recalling Tower stairs,
his hands unready to take up his sword,
his mouth closed to let not pass a word.
“Sir Nicholas Throckmorton” the scroll declares,
to speak to us for him whom time has deadened,
whose name’s remembrance we now neglect.
Five centuries and the oil’s strength yet holds;
what glisters is not gold, as well be nameless.
Even his face will gradually spoil.

[Jormengand]

Prompt: Self-portrait (http://stefanress.deviantart.com/art/Self-portrait-284704002)


Time Lapse (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjFGgp5m_fs&feature=youtu.be)

I start at the left of what I wear,
Paint the edge, and when that's done,
Then the side of my chin, my beard,
Or the stubble that wants to be one.


In the back, the drums sound,
And every step that I take,
And each move, each move I make,
Is really five minutes rolling around.

A mouth, a nose, a face I paint,
Can't see it's me, 'cos it's so faint,
Perhaps that might be for the best,
Not sure I should draw the rest.


Drums are throbbing louder,
And beating out of time,
They and my heart don't rhyme,
Turn my thoughts to powder

I fill in the neck, my hood, my eyes,
To me, they represent my lies,
Who I like to think myself,
As though I were in perfect health.


The instrument begins to play,
Keyboard? I don't even know,
I just know I have to go,
Before the song starts again

Fill the details, too detailed by far,
Take a moment to seize the guitar,
A little colour across my face,
Perhaps my eyes seem far too glazed.


"Real human being"
That's what she is singing,
But not what I'm thinking,
But not what I'm seeing.

Shadows I paint behind my back,
The foreground white, the background black,
And then my eyes, shining blue,
My fearful gaze, piercing through.


Then the next line is,
"And a real hero",
I feel more a zero,
And my eyes aren't shining.

Make my hair a golden blond,
A bit more bright, a bit more long,
Than in real life, but oh,
I'll just pretend I didn't know.


"Back against the wall",
No, nor "Strength of a will and cause,"
No-one says "Outstanding," pause,
And wait for the beat to fall.

My face, full colour now,
Just a few touches around,
My clothes, purple, maroon?
Either way, I'll be done soon.


There's truth in "Dystopic claims",
I've not proved to be human,
Or hero, I know soon, then,
I'll just go up in flame.

Now every detail seems in place,
Every line upon my face,
Every shadow, every crease,
Every part and every piece,


Still she sings of humans,
Of "Real human beings,"
That's not what I'm seeing,
Reality is ruined.

My hair's too light,
I make it less bright,
A touch more like me...
But you still can't see...

A real human being.

[The Extinguisher]

This is what I get for waiting to sign up :X

If you need any extra judges though I'm down. Let me know.

[Duck999]

I'll get something up, I swear. But please, if there are 24 hours left and I haven't entered something, can someone shoot me a PM? Thank you.

[Lethologica]

I'll get something up, I swear. But please, if there are 24 hours left and I haven't entered something, can someone shoot me a PM? Thank you.
Well, you do have till EOD Wednesday.

[Vaynor]

This is what I get for waiting to sign up :X

If you need any extra judges though I'm down. Let me know.

If you want to take over my judging spot I'd appreciate it.


I'll get something up, I swear. But please, if there are 24 hours left and I haven't entered something, can someone shoot me a PM? Thank you.

Will do.

[The Extinguisher]

For sure. I'll take over as a judge.

I'm excited to see people's entries.

[Elvaris]

Prompt: W.B. Yeats (http://www.npg.org.uk/collections/search/portraitLarge/mw163509/WB-Yeats)


I wore your jacket
The red one you bought me
With the purple tie
That always lit up your eyes
And put a smile on your face

So even a glimpse of the portrait
Despite your absence
Would show your vivacity
And passion for life
And how much I loved you

When the photographer showed me
The finished picture
I discovered
That everything is somber
In sepia-tone

[Szilard]

Prompt: W.B. Yeats


Butler a name, but not his occupation,
But where there's a Will there's a way,
And so Yeats served his nation.

Not as soldier nor servent, nay
But as a Nobel poet, of highest class,
Writing irst of myths, the occult, and where legends lay.

Then Gonne was the beautiful legend to pass
But his muse she was not to be
Married she was, leaving him to feel an ass.

That she was not right for him, he came to see
To another he cast his cold eye.
With her he spent life, then was buried quickly.

Becoming spiritual, on his deathbed to lie
Some last poem uttering, 'Horseman, pass by!'

[Duck999]

Prompt: Dreaming Child (http://xxaihxx.deviantart.com/art/Dreaming-child-oil-paint-on-linen-canvas-332005534)

I am pampered with all I need
Yet to the gods I still must plead

My parents think I have it all
Yet I have got but one true call

I wear the perfect kid's facade
Yet inside is where I need aid.

My one true love I wish to find
But he has not yet come to mind

Until I find this one good boy
My kid's facade will be a ploy

To hide my pain from all around
Inside myself i'll keep it bound

No one will learn of my true grief
'til my heart's stolen by a thief

[Cuthalion]

Aw, I missed this. I'd be willing to be a replacement judge if necessary.

[3SecondCultist]

Aw, I missed this. I'd be willing to be a replacement judge if necessary.

Indeed. I took a small break from writing poetry, but I'm getting back into it in time for the next academic year. I'm not sure if my technique would be up to snuff for judging, but please consider me for that as well.

It's a pity I didn't check this early enough to actually enter. :smallfrown: Still, I will be watching with interest.

[Lethologica]

All right, time to settle down on something comfortable and re-read everything.

(Six days later...)

Great call to use the time-lapse video. It would never have occurred to me. The structure is innovative and I like reading each 'half' of the poem separately as much as reading it all together, though the last line throws off that reading a little bit. In particular, the painting process is clearly communicated. I can 'see' the painting being created by reading the words.

The rhythm is rather sporadic. Some verses are internally consistent and flow well, while others get sloppy with syllables and beat, and some lines are filling the rhyme scheme without adding much content-wise. A similar pattern affects the narrator's introspection. There's a clear theme going with self-presentation, with feeling fake and denying the virtues mentioned in the song, and I like that as far as it goes, but...his neck and hood and eyes represent his lies? His gaze is fearful? He has to go? Several ideas in the poem feel either off (e.g. the gaze in the portrait doesn't appear fearful) or unfinished (e.g. why does he have to go, where is he going, how does that connect to the core theme?). The painting process has a clear arc; the emotional/thematic process should as well.
So there's a clear parallel (http://newsbusters7.s3.amazonaws.com/images/2013/September/Trayvon%20Martin%20Hoodie.jpg) to be drawn here, but talking about Skittles and iced tea would probably be too on-the-nose. In any case, this certainly covers the thematic bases w.r.t. white privilege.

The rhythm has a spoken-word feel about it, nailing the beat pattern while loosely allocating the unstressed syllables, and jazzing things up with internal rhymes and alliteration. This comes through particularly in the last three verses; the second and fourth verses have moments of awkwardness by comparison.

The ending is a little weak. Not sure it really concludes. Or maybe it's just the "Holding each other" phrase, which doesn't really scan for me.
FinnLassie. Difficult choice. I spent most of my time on this judgment.

Nice concept to play with the sepia tone. You construct a moving story out of it, told with austere language ('vivacity' stands out) assembled into short, punchy phrases. It's not a close map to Yeats' actual life, and it's a liiiiiiittle odd that the narrator is surprised by the somberness of sepia (or that he chose sepia for a photo dominated by colors), but these are quibbles. The second stanza could be tightened up--it's partially repeating the basic sentiment of the first, except more vague and generic.
This is a close map to Yeats' actual life. I see what you did there with Under Ben Bulben. Quibble: Yeats was a public servant for a time (two-term Senator of the Irish Free State, to be specific). The 'ass' part is pretty accurate, though.

I think you may have focused too much on mapping Yeats' life, actually. While you describe parts of Yeats' life, the poem lacks a unifying theme. The subject is Yeats, but I can't tell what the poem is about. The poetry element isn't connected to the marriage element, and then he dies.

You have some fair turns of phrase and a bit of dry humor, and a rather complex rhyme scheme which you fulfill exactly. But the rhythm of the poem frequently stumbles; I think it could have benefited from a formal meter.
Elvaris.

This guy has a legend? Huh. I haven't read it yet.

That's quite a rhyme scheme. I'm impressed. One or two syllables arguably out of place, but it's worth it to get the voice right, which you did. ('Glisters'. Perfect.) Few words wasted, if any--think about lines 8 and 10, see if something comes to mind. Plenty of detail about the painting, a few references slipped in, and the last line is a doozy.

I'm puzzled by the opposition of timeless endurance in the beginning of the poem and temporal decay in the end. It's clearly intentional, but the logic escapes me.
No entry.
SaintRidley.


Consistent rhyme and meter, solid structure. The basic concept--pretend perfect kid struggling inside, hoping for love--comes across. Where this poem struggles is in specificity. The narrator can hide the nature of her 'true grief' away from other characters, but the reader has to get at least some glimpse of it. I also don't know why finding a 'true love' would help, or how it relates to the rest of the narrator's situation, or how the narrator expects to find true love by showing a false face to the world. There are good ideas here, but they need to be cultivated more.
That opening, wow, I was hooked from the word go--or should I say, gut-punched. A new, powerful image in practically every line right through the heart of the poem.

The ending kind of gets away from that, though. The 'if the family is long gone' puts unnecessary distance between the reader and the story--well, are they gone or aren't they? The 'I' character comes a little out of left field, too. I have to wonder if the poem wouldn't end better simply by meditating on how the long-gone family's hopes (and tears) lie in a forgotten grave. Great last line, though.
SeptimusFabrius.

[Lethologica]

The photo was probably not sepia when it was taken--sepia toning is usually a conversion of an existing black-and-white photograph. But this is a super nitpick and also I forgot to mention it.

[SaintRidley]

This guy has a legend? Huh. I haven't read it yet.

That's quite a rhyme scheme. I'm impressed. One or two syllables arguably out of place, but it's worth it to get the voice right, which you did. ('Glisters'. Perfect.) Few words wasted, if any--think about lines 8 and 10, see if something comes to mind. Plenty of detail about the painting, a few references slipped in, and the last line is a doozy.

I'm puzzled by the opposition of timeless endurance in the beginning of the poem and temporal decay in the end. It's clearly intentional, but the logic escapes me.
No entry.
SaintRidley.





You may have picked up on a particular poem influencing mine. It too deals with the illusion of immortality through great works. Where Ozymandias and his statue are both obliterated, we have something different here. The portrait has far surpassed its subject, who is now forgotten by all but a few. The portrait has better achieved immortality than the man, but even so eventually the portrait, which the centuries seem to have left untouched, will also find itself decaying. Immortality in name or art, is ultimately a losing prospect.

[Lethologica]

...It's been over a week. And there are only 8 contestants. Are the contests going to be decided by one judge? Surely not.

[FinnLassie]

I think right now is the most active time of summer holiday season, and we're only human beings.

[Lethologica]

Oh. So I'm the only cyborg monstrosity in the thread? Phooey.

[CWater]

Judging is a thankless position.

Mine are half done at the moment, I will try to finish them during the next day or two.

[The Extinguisher]

Oh yeah, I was working on this and then other stuff came up. I've got some preliminary stuff down but I still have work to do, so I should have them up this weekend but if not then monday probably.

[FinnLassie]

Oh. So I'm the only cyborg monstrosity in the thread? Phooey.

No one said that.

Judges are just volunteers. I really doubt this is their main priority in life.

[Lethologica]

No one said that.

Judges are just volunteers. I really doubt this is their main priority in life.
Aw, my joke fell flat. Phooey.

[The Extinguisher]

Tuesday is the same thing as Monday right?



Really interesting work. I liked the video, I think it added something neat to the whole thing. I’m generally a fan of split poems like this, especially when both sides can stand alone as well. Some of your rhymes aren’t quite full rhymes and feel a little forced, but overall well done.

This is an excellent use of the prompt. It’s not the subject I would have gone for first but it works really well. The flow is a little loose in some places, but overall it doesn’t detract from the work. “I can kill and I will receive sympathy/They would praise my past quite religiously” is just really clever and well done.

Fun fact, this was the hardest one for me to decide. I’m gonna give it to FinnLassie.






Love the tone in this piece. Very clever use of the prompt. It’s just the right amount of moody and bittersweet and it’s just great. It just didn’t feel enough though. I think it needed something between the stanzas, something to repeat to add to the contrast. I’m not sure what, but it just felt like it was missing something.


I’m not too sure which approach I like better in this challenge, the more literal portrait of the metaphorical one. (It is interesting to note that all the competitions featured one of each so that’s nice). In any case, I think the biography works well here. You have a really good flow in the first stanza, then change it in the later four. It’s still good and works well, but it’s a bit jarring switching right after the first bit.

Elvaris





I will admit, hypertext as an element to art is very intriguing, especially for poetry. I like it. It flows nicely and is very evocative of this painting. I do wish it was a little longer, but honestly that’s not really a bad thing. Better to leave them wanting more than wanting less.


No entry =(


SaintRidley





I like what you’re doing here. I can really feel the prompt in this. It doesn’t paint much of a picture, which is a shame because the prompt is a painting, but you don’t always need to paint a picture for a pretty poem. I do think that if you’re going to do rhyming couplets, you need to make sure your meter is on point. There were a few spots where it was awkward to follow the beat along. But nicely done.


Very pretty. I’m a huge suck for this kind of aethestic. I want to look at it all day. I do think your pacing is a little off. Some lines seem to long and some seem to short but the content and flow is good so I dunno. All in all very good.


SeptimusFabrius

[Jormengand]

I feel quite proud that my poem's quality is at all difficult to distinguish from that of FinnLassie's, even if it doesn't quite cut it.

[CWater]

Sorry for the delay, this week turned out to be unexpectedly crazy. But I should have time tomorrow to finish the judgements. Got a day off from work too.

[Vaynor]

No worries, I appreciate you volunteering to help in the first place.

[CWater]

As it turns out, I didn't have the time to write as much as would have wanted. :/ But I think it's best that I post the judgements now, so the competition doesn't stall longer.

Iron Poet XX: Round

Jormengard vs. FinnLassie: Self-Portrait
Elvaris vs. Szilard: W.B. Yeats
SaintRidley vs. Benthesquid: Sir Nicholas Throckmorton
Duck999 vs. SeptimusFabrius: Dreaming child

Judgements

A very literal interpretation of the prompt, or so I read it. The narrator is painting the picture of himself and at the same time, listening to music? That is the image I get from this. Both 'sides' of the poem work as individual poems of their own, one is what the narrator does, the other what he thinks, though there are some thoughts among the painting side as well. The two interact subtly, but still they do, and together give a different feeling than either part alone.
Oh, will have to be careful when commenting this due to forum rules. The narrator has a strong message, that he wants to underline, almost desperately. I like how simple examples, like wearing certain clothes, are used to emphasize this message. There is also unapologetic anger and frustration that stems from it.
A very close one, but Jormengard gets my vote.



Longing for someone who is gone. Why is the finished picture in sepia tone, if the person specifically thinks about the colour of the clothes? The poem raises a few questions, and it is short and cute, but the feelings of the narrator don't quite reach me. There is only an air of glumness, despite the bittersweet memories.
I unfortunately haven't heard of the title character before, so I'm afraid I'm missing some references in this poem about him. Some of the wordplay is nice and I quite like the rhyming scheme.
Slizard



Another name that was unfamiliar to me. Well, now I know.
This really has a nice feel, it creates the feeling of an empty corridor and a painting gathering dust. The speaker could be a random passer-by, briefly stopping to glance at the painting and then moving on again. This seems to be a theme this round.
No entry.
SaintRidley wins by default.



Hmm, this tries to paint the story of a child that has it all except love. But what is it that she's really missing? Why isn't she happy? Because her parents only give her things and not affection, and so she things that a romantic love would make her happy? I don't know, this reasoning could make sense for a child, but the feelings or what caused them are not clear and the effect of the poem is not as strong as a result. The poem is cute, but its purpose eludes me.
The first reading left an eeriee atmosphere, blurry images of ghosts and forgotten places. Hmm, even after going through it again, I think the poem could have several interpretations. The one story that comes to my mind, is that there was a girl, but now only a painting of her hangs in the house. Did she die young? A couple of lines suggest that, but then there is the one that says 'might have been a grave', which implies that maybe not. In any case, she is part of the past, and now even the picture of her is disappearing and then it is finally taken off the wall as well.

I really like this one. Some lines are maybe a little worn, like 'the roses seem eternal', but overall, it is quite nice.

SeptimusFabrius.

[Vaynor]

Congratulations to the winners of this round!

SeptimusFabrius
SaintRidley
FinnLassie
Elvaris

I'll have the next round up soon.

[FinnLassie]

Thank you to all the judges! :smallsmile: Jormengard, we actually almost ended up making our poem from exactly the same damn thing as I also found the video and had already started writing when another theme popped to my head and went with that. :smallbiggrin:

[Jormengand]

Thank you to all the judges! :smallsmile: Jormengard, we actually almost ended up making our poem from exactly the same damn thing as I also found the video and had already started writing when another theme popped to my head and went with that. :smallbiggrin:

Great minds, eh? :smalltongue:

[Vaynor]

Sorry for the delay, everyone! Without further ado:

Iron Poet XXII: Round 2

Elvaris vs. SaintRidley: Blemished, unfold
FinnLassie vs. SeptimusFabrius: Revived, jostled

Deadline: Monday August 24th, 2015 at 11:59 pm EDT (UTC -4).

[FinnLassie]

What time is it, kids?

You guessed it right -
It's time to open the dictionary to see what the hell one of your prompts mean!
I hate you Vaynor :smallsneakytongue:

[FinnLassie]

I am sad to read this, Sept-o Fabr-o. :smallfrown: It would've been great to compete with you.


... especially as I'm here to submit my poyem.

Train


Felt like a pounding

though just a nudge

in the midst of a crowd.


Heartbeats racing

feeling the bulge

in the midst of a crowd.


Mind startled and shrinking

hard to revive oneself

in the midst of a crowd.


Sensed some touching

not where I wanted

in the midst of a crowd.


The need for parting

grows ever stronger

in the midst of a crowd.

[SaintRidley]

Edit - Poem redacted for submission to publication.

[Elvaris]

Prompt: Blemished, Unfold.

Legend says
That if you fold
A thousand origami cranes
You can make a miracle happen.

So I did.

And on the day that I finished
My thousandth crane,
I met you.
And it was perfect.

And then it wasn't.

As quickly as you warmed,
You cooled.
Filling my life with pain.
And some cranes.

And so I left.

And the thousand sheets
of newly flat paper
Are a reminder
That there's more to a miracle

Than origami.

[FinnLassie]

I kinda feel bad winning by default, but there's no one to blame as we all have our reasons to drop out (I had to drop out last round due to extreme stress).

Now we gots tae wait for dem judgings. No hurries! (uni starts again next week, don't have no time to stalk this thread and moan :smalltongue:)

[SaintRidley]

I'm actually going to withdraw my poem here as I am submitting it as part of a submission to a poetry journal. I will gladly PM it to any judges who would like to look at it, but by no means do I feel entitled to continue in judgment once I take the step of removing the poem from the post.

Thank you all very much for giving me such a good prompt to work with.

[Vaynor]

Well, in that case, without further ado:

Iron Poet: Round 3

Elvaris vs. FinnLassie: Unopposed, undecipherable, unequaled

Deadline: Friday, September 11th 2015 at 11:59pm EDT (UTC -4).

Judges, if you could still provide feedback on Elvaris' and FinnLassie's poems it would be greatly appreciated. I'm glad you liked the prompt, SaintRidley. Could you PM me the poem? I can't read them until the round is over in case I need to be a judge and thus never got the chance to read yours.

[FinnLassie]

Oh. Well. That was an interesting turn of events. I guess I have to get on writing, then.

[The Extinguisher]

Interesting prompts for this round.
As far as feedback and such for last round: Elvaris, FinnLassie, if either of you prefer, I could get it up soon, but if not, it would be easier to put it with this round's judgments. It's up to you though. Let me know.

[FinnLassie]

I've been on some crazy creative roll as of late... :smalleek:
Here be my submission!



I

Oh almighty! Oh supreme! Your people greet you as you shine!

For your glory is above all, we stand meek by your side
The warmth of your presence brings smiles to our eyes

II

Oh leader! Oh gazer! Your people receive anything you provide!

For your signs are above all, we cannot decipher everything
The divinity of your words lives within its own mystery

III

Oh astonishing! Oh benevolent! Your people will stay by your side!

For your good deeds empower us, we banish the non-believers
The statue they praise is no longer in competition with you

IV

Oh fearsome! Oh chieftain! Your people fear you as you thrive!

For your force is above all, we fight and bleed dry in your name
The agony of others feeds your generosity towards our men

~~~

Epilogue

Charred are the villages you ruined
Scarred are the people you fooled
Barred are the souls you destroyed

A whole race extinct for an artificial god

[Elvaris]

Prompt: Unopposed, undecipherable, unequaled.


Unable
Ungainly
Unsuited
Unready

Unguided
Unlikely
Untested
Undimmed

Unartful
Unsteady
Unrated
Unnerved

Unknown
Unopposed
Unproven
Unworthy

Unsated
Untiring
Unweary
Unending

Unaided
Unclear
Undeciphered
Uncaring

Unswayed
Ungiving
Unafraid
Undaunted

Unshaken
Unchosen
Unhailed
Unbroken

Uncovered
Uncanny
Unlocked
Unerring

Unsubdued
Unyielding
Unleashed
Unrelenting

Unseating
Unrivaled
Unstopped
Undefeated

Undebated
Uncontested
Unmatched
Unparalleled

Undenied
Unsurpassed
Undisputed
Unequaled

[FinnLassie]

Waiting for the judgements, then... :smallcool:

I keep on reading this thread as Iron Poot

[SaintRidley]

Oi Vaynor, just checking that you got my message with the poem.

[Vaynor]

I did, thanks. Thought I responded. Sorry about that!

[SaintRidley]

No worries. Just wanted to check that you got it and your inbox wasn't full or something.

[Lethologica]

It's Judgment Day. (Well, a few days late. Sorry 'bout that.)

Twisted tribal religious devotional. (Not that twisted, I guess, considering how kinked the source material can be.) The "you" in the epilogue is the tribe, right?

Flow and style are generally good. I stumbled on the last lines of III and IV. The third stanza breaks a few otherwise recurring patterns, and I'm wondering if that's deliberate.

Theme comes off a little flat. The pace of the narrative development from benevolent shining peace to fear-driven bloody violence is muddled, and I think it's the second verse that causes this. You had to bring in the divine mysteries because of the prompt, but they didn't go anywhere, so they ended up kind of getting in the way.

Epilogue is the strongest section. Brutally direct statement of the brutal outcome.
Leading with the obvious, this is a direct yet creative way to address the prompt. Straight zero-to-hero montage going on in here.

At the detail level, some odd word choices--including, surprisingly, the prompt words. At the broader level, stanza 6 feels like it loses the narrative flow, which is really important because of how oblique the presentation is--if the underlying narrative isn't crystal clear, it will be *cough* undecipherable when viewed through your chosen lens. Also, stanzas 7 and 8 feel like 'resolute underdog' and 'bouncing back from defeat' but they don't quite fit where they are. And there's a lot of narrative repetition near the end.

I like the beginning best. The nervous wobbling newbie comes through loud and clear.
FinnLassie, by a hair.

[The Extinguisher]

Sorry it took so long for judgments. It's been a crazy couple weeks.

First things first, here's some thoughts on last rounds poems.
I like this a lot. It's simple and effective, and plays with the prompt really well. I especially like the spacing in the poem. Gives it an unsettling feel that works with the subject matter.
This made me sad. I really like the structure of the whole thing. Well done.

Alright, actual judgement time


There's a grand sense to this poem. It makes for a nice finale piece. I feel the prompts coming through quite well, and flows nicely. I question dividing everything into parts though. To me, at least, it seems that the whole thing works better as one piece. But I understand the look and feel you were going for. I do think the epilogue needed to be more divorced from the rest of the poem. It needs to read more as notes on a margin then the ending of the verses. But all in all well done.
This is really cool. Not in any way what I would have expected out of the prompts but wow do I like the idea. I love the way this builds up tension and towards the prompts. I feel it loses a bit of momentum towards the end though. There's almost this chanting sense towards the poem, and several lines and stanzas fit awkwardly in the whole thing. Specifically, "Undebated/Uncontested/Unmatched/Unparalleled" I feel each line is just a little too long. But as a whole piece, this is great.
I've debated over this a lot. Both poems used the prompts fantastically. Both were overall excellent poems. It's a tough choice, but I think I'm going to give this to Elvaris.

[FinnLassie]

We have one judgement left, right?

[Vaynor]

Yes, I PMed CWater to give them a chance to get their judgments in but it's been too long at this point. I'll try to do judgments today to get the next contest started.

[CWater]

Yes, I PMed CWater to give them a chance to get their judgments in but it's been too long at this point. I'll try to do judgments today to get the next contest started.

I'm sorry for this, I only saw the message today. I've been on vacation and not had much internet access in over a week. I should have informed you about it, I apologise for that.

[FinnLassie]

Sooo... how's... stuff?

[truemane]

Are you guys short a judge?

I can whip something up if you like.

[Vaynor]

Sorry guys, I assumed that since CWater posted she'd do the judgments. I've been a bit busy lately. I can do them today unless truemane wants to do them (and he is infinitely more qualified to do so than I).

[truemane]

Thanks, Vaynor. I think that's an exaggeration, but it's very nice to hear all the same. :smallsmile:

Upon reflection, since there are two judgements up already, I must be breaking a tie, yeah?

Pressure.

Judgements!

ROUND 2

FinnLassie (Revived, jostled)
I am always a fan of experimenting with form and structure. One of the shortfalls of Free Verse as the preferred form of poetry is that people spend way more time messing about with the words in their poetry than they do about how the words are laid out.

Which is to say that I really liked the fact that you too the prompt and tried to tell a story through such an unusual, restrictive structure.

The short lines and short stanzas give the visual impression of a train strung out along the page, and the short lines and heavy, frequent refrain invokes the constant, rhythmic sound and sway of being on a train.

All to the good.

What I felt was missing was a stronger narrative. Or maybe a less strong one.

Although categorizing poetry is a really stupid thing to do (and some might say impossible), a lot of poems fall under one of two types: either you're telling a story in a poetic way, or you're trying to communicate a single overriding experience in poetic language.

Now, of course a story is going to involve experiences and experiences require stories to contextualize and make sense of them, but what I think this poem needs is to really be one or the other.

Either you're telling me the story of the narrator's experience on the train that day (in which case we need to know how they felt about it, what changed from before the experience to after, some sense of the importance of the event in the narrator's life) or you're trying to communicate the experience of being publicly, non-consensually molested (in which case we need more sense-information, more emotion, more focus on the event itself).

OR maybe you're trying to tell us that this is no big deal to the narrator and life goes on. I don't think so, but if that's what you're getting at, it should be the focus of the piece in a way that it isn't.

Also, if you're going to use a structure as closed and careful and tight as this, you should make sure the rhythm is consistent in your first and second lines. Some variation is okay, but yours are all over the place, and I think a clear rhythm would have helped a lot.


Elvaris (blemished, unfold)
This is a really nice piece. And not only is it a really nice piece, it's nice for reasons that are almost diametrically opposed to the things that usually make your poetry so good. Aside from the serious tone (which I've noticed you've been delving into more and more lately), most of the effect comes from the sparse, unaffected language and free-wheeling structure. You're so good at rhyme and rhythm and word-play that it's really great to see such a nice piece emerge from the other end of your skill-set.

I do think it's a little short of WOWSA, though. And what it's missing, I think, are a couple of strong, evocative images showing the PERFECT and then the NOT. Something sharp and clear and bright and light that links the cranes with the perfect. And then something hard and sad and heavy and dark that separates the cranes from the no longer perfect (or links them in some other, possibly opposite, way).

I like this piece a lot. It just feels like the meat between 'And it was perfect' and 'And then it wasn't.' And that's the story I want to read.

ROUND 3

Elvaris vs. FinnLassie (Unopposed, undecipherable, unequaled)

Finnlassie
There's something about numbering your stanzas, especially with Roman numerals, that gives this piece a stately tone and flow that I don't think it would have otherwise. Maybe because of the parallel with scripture? Or because everything sounds more important when Latin is involved (Quidquid Latine dictum sit, altum videtur), but it really frames the piece quite nicely.

The content is good. I quite enjoyed the flow of ideas from happy to mysterious to exclusionary to militaristic to sad, brutal epilogue. And I thought the structured opening lines (Oh X! Oh Y! Your people [thing] you as you [thing]!) worked very well.

It's a little distant, emotionally. I enjoy it, but I enjoy it like I might a famous painting or a piece of classical music. It's admirable, but not visceral. Which is unavoidable, I think, given what you were trying to do. On the level of pure literature, not a lot of sacred scripture has a lot of SHAZAM either.

It's a strong piece. Good concept. Well executed.

Elvaris
More experimentation! What fun. This one leans your keen sense of wordplay but, amazingly, noting else. I was very entertained at how strong and clear a story you were able to craft out of a string of negatives. I can picture you Googling a list of words that start with 'un' and taking them and putting them together like a puzzle.

Unfortunately, it doesn't give me a lot to talk about. I could quibble some about the exact transition from one stage to the next, or on the placement of individual words, but it would be just that: quibbling. It really is all of a piece. A single poetic unit where every piece of it contributes to the central conceit. And either you dig that or you don't.

I dig it. It's quite a feat.


Verdict

I'd have called this one a tie if I could have. Two good pieces, both unusual and experimental in their own way, both with good use of prompts, good use of structure, but both traded some of the immediacy of emotional truth for their effects.

But I think FinnLassie had the stronger narrative, and the more complete piece.

[Vaynor]

Thank you very much truemane.

Well then, congratulations to the winner of Iron Poet XXII: Finnlassie!

I'll be posting the thread for the next contest momentarily.