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Submortimer
2015-06-28, 10:51 PM
Warlock Patron: The DM


Listen to me.

Or not. I don't really care either way: none of this is real, not a lick of it. You, me, the whole damn world...we're nothing but pencil scratches on some pieces of paper.

Don't believe me? It doesn't matter, theres nothing you or I can do about it. The world is what the world is, and it only exists so long as the DM wants to tell a story; after that, the whole thing goes *Poof*.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. What you asked about was how to contact "the DM"; Let me guess, those morons over at the College of Ooc told you about him? Figures...they have such a limited worldview.

See...the DM...it's not one creature. it may be male, may be female, may be something in between. It might be old, young, handicaped, healthy, smart, dumb, a million different things. What IS true is that, in it's world, the DM may be no more powerful than a lowly commoner...but for us, it's will is absolute. We all gain our power from the DM, it's laws and decisions affect the way everything works in our world, and it can change the very fabric of reality on a whim...but if you cater to it, play along with the story that it wants to tell, well...things can go very well for you.

Meta Warlock Bonus Spell list



Warlock Level
Spells


1st
Detect Magic, Identify


3rd
Locate Object, Augury


5th
Clairvoyance, Remove Curse


7th
Divination, Locate Creature


9th
Commune, Legend Lore



Player Character
First things first, you need to know that if you can get in contact with the DM, you're being controlled by a Player: you're a Player Character. This is a good thing: there's not been a greater hero in existance than one that's been at the whims of a Player. Because of this, you can take comfort in the fact that the DM is crafting a story for you to play your part in, and that you and your travelling party are likely the major players. Because of that, starting at 1st level, you gain advantage on Persuasion and Deception skill checks when interacting with friendly NPCs. Be warned, though: the DM is capricious, and may revoke this ability when he feels that it is not appropriate.

Don't understand what Levels, Skill checks, or NPC's are? trust me, there's much more to come that will confuse you even further.

Benny
Your goal, as a Player Character, is to succeed, and hopefully look as impressive as possible while doing it. What this means is that failure isn't, generally, an option for you (unless you have a sadistic DM, but that's a discussion for a different time). Since you know this, you can gain the unique ability to pull victory out of your ass when you otherwise should have failed. On any occasion that you attempt an attack roll, skill check, or saving throw and it fails, you may re-roll that check; you must take the results of the re-roll.

Be careful with this: doing so too often would easily inspire the wrath of the DM, and he'd be inclined to force your player to destroy you and select a new, dumber, champion. You can safely do this once; you should take a long rest before you do so again.

Plot Armor
Now, another part of your goal as a Player Character is to complete the story the DM is crafting with you; there's an overarching plot, and your role in it is pivitol. As such, the whole universe has an incentive to keep you and your merry band of mates alive; if you all died, the whole thing collapses. Following a short rest, you and any allies in your party gain Temporary HP equal to your Warlock level + your Charisma Modifier.

OP Class Feature
I totally understand...none of this makes any bit of sense. The whole world a game? Everything being controlled by the whims of a non-omnipotent being? Charisma Modifier? It all feels like the rantings of a madman.

Trust me when I say this, though: understanding the Game is the ONLY way to truly make yourself powerful. The world, for better or worse, is balanced in it's own way: no one is too powerful, since that would be no fun, and no one is too weak. This was a bigger problem in previous versions of our world, but has gotten better over time. Knowing this, though, allows you to temporarily turn things heavily in your favor. It's not easy to do, and you run GREAT risk of offending the other Players or even the DM, but it can be nothing short of miraculous should you pull it off. At 14th level, As a bonus action, you may break the balance of the Game, allowing you to deal maximum damage with your cantrips for one minute.

As I said before, the DM is a capricious being. While this is the form your OP will likely take, on occasion, the DM may think of something more interesting or thematic to do. That being said, it will never brook with a creature that tries to abuse this sort of power; once you use this ability, you must take a long rest before doing so again.

What's that, you ask? Enjoyable? Well...yes. That's why it's called "The Game": the DM and the Players DO THIS FOR FUN.

Are you scared yet? Don't worry, you will be.



So, this, along with the College of Ooc (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?424607-Bard-College-The-College-of-Ooc-(The-META-Knights)), were both inspired by this post here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?424569-Help-making-a-(balanced)-meta-knight). These should be decently balanced for use in normal play, but are OBVIOUSLY tongue in cheek: allow at your own risk. :smallsmile: