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Epiphanis
2007-04-28, 12:13 PM
Yeah, I don't care how broken Wizards are, they can't beat Chuck Norris.

"Forcecage" cannot even slow down Chuck Norris. Spheres of Annihilation will break through a forcecage. Spheres of Annihilation are created when Chuck Norris gives a roundhouse kick to the fabric of reality. He usually keeps a spare in his wallet, too.

You know what Chuck Norris calls "Cloudkill"? Aromatherapy.

"Foresight" is useless to anticipate Chuck Norris' attacks. The speed of his roundhouse kick is faster than that of light. The force of the blow would travel back in time and kill the wizard several levels before he even learned "Foresight."

"Greater Celerity" is not completely useless in a fight against Chuck Norris. The best use of its action is to pray to your god for forgiveness before your imminent demise. Making in your pants is also an acceptable use under those circumstances.

Chuck Norris attacks as a free action, and theoretically he can do so an infinite number of times a round. This has never been tested, as Chuck Norris has never needed to make a second attack.

"Time Stop" is pretty much useless, as Time is deeply frightened of Chuck Norris. Any casting of "Time Stop" in Chuck Norris' presence is automatically converted to "Time Runs Away and Cries Like A Little Girl."

You can't hide from Chuck Norris in a "Mordenkainen's Magnificent Mansion." Mordenkainen may have drawn up the plans, but Chuck Norris did the contracting work.

"Prismatic Spheres" remind Chuck Norris of disco balls. There is a reason why disco is dead, and that reason is Chuck Norris.

Emperor Demonking
2007-04-28, 12:20 PM
None of that is RAW and as such has no revelance to a RAW debate.

Latronis
2007-04-28, 12:23 PM
and so doth the net weep

Renegade Paladin
2007-04-28, 12:23 PM
None of that is RAW and as such has no revelance to a RAW debate.
And here we have an example of a total lack of a sense of humor. Observe closely, class; this is a rare specimen indeed. :smallamused:

kpenguin
2007-04-28, 12:25 PM
I'm assuming this guy is trolling. Discussions of Chuck Norris, while they were once amusing, are now considerably annoying.

Amphimir Míriel
2007-04-28, 12:26 PM
And here we have an example of a total lack of a sense of humor. Observe closely, class; this is a rare specimen indeed. :smallamused:

Wow, I had heard of such sad cases, but had never actually seen one! :smallbiggrin:

NEO|Phyte
2007-04-28, 12:27 PM
The wizard would win through Shapechange cheese. What could he possibly shapechange into to defeat Chuck?
http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/2829/way025un.jpg
The guy in the black pants.

Sutremaine
2007-04-28, 12:28 PM
And here we have an example of a total lack of a sense of humor. Observe closely, class; this is a rare specimen indeed. :smallamused:
You mean he wasn't making a joke? :smallconfused:

I'm just waiting for the 'Wizard vs. Batman' topic.

Koga
2007-04-28, 12:28 PM
This just proves the awesomeness of ninja, as Chuck Norris is our diety!

Who do pirates serve? Johnny Depp?

KIDS
2007-04-28, 12:32 PM
Haha, nice attempt :)

The outcome is clear. For those who might be doubting, see the legendary "Chuck Norris's wife tries to change the radio channel" picture!

http://images7.pictiger.com/thumbs/56/7c5c8bf22c04e567492f71ea81468756.th.gif (http://server7.pictiger.com/img/8930/picture-hosting/chuck-norris-punch-.php)

MeklorIlavator
2007-04-28, 12:43 PM
You mean he wasn't making a joke? :smallconfused:

I'm just waiting for the 'Wizard vs. Batman' topic.

But why would a Wizard fight himself?

Exileman
2007-04-28, 12:51 PM
Personally, I always liked the one where a Wizard casts Meteor Swarm at Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris quickly chuckled saying "OH! He just wanted to play soccer."

Emperor Demonking
2007-04-28, 01:01 PM
I was trying to make a joke. Failed completely or maybe you lack a subtle sense of humour.

SITB
2007-04-28, 01:12 PM
Well, since Chuck Norris is technically a deity, his suitable challenge would be an epic level wizard, who can probably craft Summon: "Chuck Norris Clones" that multiply every second and follow the wizard every whim...

TheThan
2007-04-28, 01:13 PM
I was trying to make a joke. Failed completely or maybe you lack a subtle sense of humour.

Chuck Norris doesn’t do subtle.

Inyssius Tor
2007-04-28, 01:13 PM
I was trying to make a joke. Failed completely or maybe you lack a subtle sense of humour.

I thought it was very funny. On the other hand, everyone misunderstanding it made for hilarity, as well.

Draz74
2007-04-28, 01:16 PM
I was trying to make a joke. Failed completely or maybe you lack a subtle sense of humour.

I got it too and it was my favorite part of the humor. :smallsmile:

Bears With Lasers
2007-04-28, 01:18 PM
And here we have an example of a total lack of a sense of humor. Observe closely, class; this is a rare specimen indeed. :smallamused:

And here we have an example of irony.

Innis Cabal
2007-04-28, 01:21 PM
Norris clearly, he is so awsome spells refuse to touch him out of fear...and ninja's cant beat Norris, he is so beyond their level of cool he beats them with their own color

Cyborg Pirate
2007-04-28, 01:28 PM
Wizards may be able to rend apart the very fabric of the universe...


...but Chuck Norris, he can round-house Kick the universe! Beat that, wizard! :smallbiggrin:

JaronK
2007-04-28, 02:06 PM
Wizards may be able to rend apart the very fabric of the universe...


...but Chuck Norris, he can round-house Kick the universe! Beat that, wizard! :smallbiggrin:

Chuck Norris is Superboy Prime?

JaronK

PirateMonk
2007-04-28, 02:21 PM
Okay...

What about Pun Pun vs. Chuck Norris?

Draz74
2007-04-28, 02:25 PM
Okay...

What about Pun Pun vs. Chuck Norris?

's been done, argued, beaten to death, had whole threads devoted to it ... read them, rather than dig up the subject again, please. :smallannoyed:

NEO|Phyte
2007-04-28, 02:26 PM
don't start PP vs. CN again, last thread about that just turned into Chuck fanboys slapping on various abilities as the methods Pun-Pun would win were declared.

Knight_Of_Twilight
2007-04-28, 02:26 PM
The wizard would win through Shapechange cheese. What could he possibly shapechange into to defeat Chuck?
http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/2829/way025un.jpg
The guy in the black pants.

Now I feel the need to make Bruce Lee stats...

Innis Cabal
2007-04-28, 02:28 PM
Pun Pun would just turn into good ol Chukey, and everyone knowns only Chuck can beat himself

PirateMonk
2007-04-28, 02:32 PM
's been done, argued, beaten to death, had whole threads devoted to it ... read them, rather than dig up the subject again, please. :smallannoyed:

Okay, sorry.

Thoughtbot360
2007-04-28, 02:37 PM
YOU FOOLS! Its clearly a game of Troll the Provoking! (http://www.criticalmiss.com/issue9/troll1.html) We're playing right into...wait, it was a joke? ....

:miko: Don't be fooled, its an elaborate ploy! We must destroy the evil trolls!

TB: oh, ok. CHARGE!

TB/:miko: : RAAAAARRRRRR!!!!

*afterwards*

TB: Wait .....why did we kill Epiphanis?

:miko: He's a troll? (although he looks more like a kobold....)

TB: um, you know "troll" is an internet acronymn for a person who rants and raves in a decidely hurtful or imflamatory manner. Troll: the provoking is a game where you try to stir up people to make thousands of posts on one thread.

:miko: Damn, I miss my detect evil power. :smallannoyed:

Demented
2007-04-28, 02:44 PM
And here we have an example of irony.

That would make a very poor example of irony. However, it is most certainly a case study.

Black Mage
2007-04-28, 02:48 PM
It's simple. A wizard would easily win. Acid Splash. Wizard wins.

IonizedChicken
2007-04-28, 03:40 PM
Pun Pun would just turn into good ol Chukey, and everyone knowns only Chuck can beat himself

Pfft. Chuck Norris doesn't stand a chance against Chuck Norris.

Innis Cabal
2007-04-28, 03:45 PM
at least one person sees the light!

ocato
2007-04-28, 04:40 PM
That man's name is Bruce Lee. He is your god. You will respect him thusly.

Cybren
2007-04-28, 04:50 PM
Now I feel the need to make Bruce Lee stats...
fast hero 2/strong hero 2 with high dex and str and good stats for the rest?

Renegade Paladin
2007-04-28, 06:16 PM
And here we have an example of irony.
I was intentionally following on the joke. :smalltongue:

Pauwel
2007-04-28, 06:18 PM
Good God, why won't this lame fad DIE!? DIE, GOD DAMMIT, DIE!!!


Seriously, can someone explain the joke? Why are Chuck Norris jokes funny?

Tengu
2007-04-28, 06:33 PM
They were. Long ago.

On a side note, aren't CN and PP the same person?

Solo
2007-04-28, 06:36 PM
Pfft. Chuck Norris doesn't stand a chance against Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris were ever to fight himself, he would win.

Most experts agree, however, that this paradox would destroy the known universe.

Roderick_BR
2007-04-28, 07:33 PM
Good God, why won't this lame fad DIE!? DIE, GOD DAMMIT, DIE!!!


Seriously, can someone explain the joke? Why are Chuck Norris jokes funny?
For real? He won around 6 martial tournaments, and retired undefeated, plus did a lot of movies where he is just kick ass. Someone picked the old Steve Seagal jokes, and applied them to ol' Chuck. Lolz issued.

@Black Mage: Chuck norris uses acid as shaving lotion.
@Innis Cabal: No one can turn into Chuck Norris, because if they do, it will be possible for a Round House Kick to collide with another Round House Kick, and scholars theorize that it would end the universe.

Latronis
2007-04-28, 10:14 PM
And chuck norris couldn't beat Bruce Lee

who was a joke

Cybren
2007-04-28, 10:43 PM
And chuck norris couldn't beat Bruce Lee

who was a joke
:confused:

Viscount Einstrauss
2007-04-28, 10:49 PM
Explain thyself. Bruce was a highly accomplished practicioner of the best martial art form I know (wing chun, for the record). He was constantly challenged by renowned fighters from around the world, and did quite well in tournaments. The power he could put behind a hit, matched with his speed, were legendary in the industry.

Aquillion
2007-04-29, 05:29 AM
All right. Let's try and get all the wizard vs. possibilities out of our system. Let's see...


Wizard vs. himself. Devise a wizard strategy for destroying yourself as gloriously, efficiently, and completely as possible. Extra points awarded for style or for eliminating any possibility of return, however slim.

Wizard vs. Ao. Yes, I know no stats are given for Ao anywhere. Improvise.

Wizard vs. the Dungeon Master. No, seriously. Assume that the wizard has gone insane and become convinced that his world is a mere game, that his own will is entirely controlled by someone from another world, and that his universe itself is a fiction invented by another plane's idle storyteller. The wizard, without revealing his plan, sets out to drive this storyteller insane, or to otherwise make him suffer. The player is not allowed to use strategies to harass the DM, since we're talking Wizard vs. DM and not Player vs. DM--only strategies that the wizard could implement are allowed. Assume, though, that the wizard's insane ravings happen, through complete coincidence, to exactly match the situation as regards the DM in the real world, effectively giving them complete knowledge of things outside the game.

Wizard vs. the Monk class. Not one specific monk, but the idea of monks--suppose your wizard has decided that they find people who generally match the mechanics of the Monk class to be so offensive that they are going to wipe all Monks from the planes forever. Describe how you would do this. (This challenge can be taken for any class. If taken for wizards, you can assume you exclude yourself, or kill yourself last.)

Wizard vs. the Prime Material Plane. Wizard sets out to destroy the prime material plane. Simple. Rendering it totally uninhabitable to humanoid life is sufficient, though destroying it utterly and completely is preferable.

Wizard vs. The Metaphysical Concept of Evil in the Universe. Wipe out an alignment, completely. Doesn't have to be evil, but must be complete. Wiping it out in the prime material plane alone is sufficient, but eliminating all respectively aligned planes would be a nice additional goal.

Emperor Demonking
2007-04-29, 05:34 AM
The wizard would completely crush all the monks, Ao I'm not so sure about.
Monks don't cast spells as sorcerer.

Cyborg Pirate
2007-04-29, 05:37 AM
Wizard vs. himself. Devise a wizard strategy for destroying yourself as gloriously, efficiently, and completely as possible. Extra points awarded for style or for eliminating any possibility of return, however slim.

This should be Wizard vs Wizard...

Wizard vs Himself should be its own catagory. And a very very interesting one at that :smallbiggrin: ("Defeat youself!" "Huh, wha? ...why? how??")

ZekeArgo
2007-04-29, 05:39 AM
All right. Let's try and get all the wizard vs. possibilities out of our system. Let's see...


Wizard vs. himself. Devise a wizard strategy for destroying yourself as gloriously, efficiently, and completely as possible. Extra points awarded for style or for eliminating any possibility of return, however slim.

Well... a simple razor would work here...


Wizard vs. Ao. Yes, I know no stats are given for Ao anywhere. Improvise.

Wizard utilizes spell combinations that make DM's Cry. Rocks fall, everyone dies. Ao, being within creation when everything dies, dies as well. Posthumous victory to the wizard.


Wizard vs. the Dungeon Master. No, seriously. Assume that the wizard has gone insane and become convinced that his world is a mere game, that his own will is entirely controlled by someone from another world, and that his universe itself is a fiction invented by another plane's idle storyteller. The wizard, without revealing his plan, sets out to drive this storyteller insane, or to otherwise make him suffer. The player is not allowed to use strategies to harass the DM, since we're talking Wizard vs. DM and not Player vs. DM--only strategies that the wizard could implement are allowed. Assume, though, that the wizard's insane ravings happen, through complete coincidence, to exactly match the situation as regards the DM in the real world, effectively giving them complete knowledge of things outside the game.

See above. Rocks fall as DM has mental breakdown


Wizard vs. the Monk class. Not one specific monk, but the idea of monks--suppose your wizard has decided that they find people who generally match the mechanics of the Monk class to be so offensive that they are going to wipe all Monks from the planes forever. Describe how you would do this. (This challenge can be taken for any class. If taken for wizards, you can assume you exclude yourself, or kill yourself last.)

Upon attaining epic levels wizard crafts spell to destroy the Platoean (Platonic? Plato-esque?) Form of Monk


Wizard vs. the Prime Material Plane. Wizard sets out to destroy the prime material plane. Simple. Rendering it totally uninhabitable to humanoid life is sufficient, though destroying it utterly and completely is preferable.

Feh, as if that's difficult. Gate + Titans = Done


Wizard vs. The Metaphysical Concept of Evil in the Universe. Wipe out an alignment, completely. Doesn't have to be evil, but must be complete. Wiping it out in the prime material plane alone is sufficient, but eliminating all respectively aligned planes would be a nice additional goal.

See above two responses. Combine as needed.

Ninja Chocobo
2007-04-29, 06:58 AM
Assorted Wizard versuses.
Epic Wizard destroys the Multiverse. Wizard wins, posthumously.

the_tick_rules
2007-04-29, 09:54 AM
chuck norris has 20 levels in wizard and max levels in archmage to, cause he's chuck norris.

Variable Arcana
2007-04-29, 09:57 AM
Why, oh, why does anyone still hold up Chuck Norris as the epitome of martial arts prowess -- after Walker Texas Ranger?!?!?!?!

How can Walker Texas Ranger even be considered cool?

Drider
2007-04-29, 11:56 AM
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZnZNIo_JwQI
^has conclusive evidance... chuck norris beats batman by thigh crushing

Cyborg Pirate
2007-04-29, 12:35 PM
Why, oh, why does anyone still hold up Chuck Norris as the epitome of martial arts prowess -- after Walker Texas Ranger?!?!?!?!

How can Walker Texas Ranger even be considered cool?

Me, I just find him an extremely laughable "martial artist" (His movies crack me up, they're all so bad!), and making him sound retardedly strong/superior makes him even more amusing for me. :smallbiggrin:

Renegade Paladin
2007-04-29, 12:58 PM
In all seriousness, he's a skilled martial artist; just not a very good actor. :smalltongue:

Viscount Einstrauss
2007-04-29, 01:14 PM
He's actually a nice guy in person. I know no one's ever going to believe me because I'm talking through the internet, but I met him once about six years ago or so. My mother actually helped his wife with some taxes around that time, which is how that happened. Very polite, kind of shy. You'd never believe he wins martial art tournaments looking at him.

Aquillion
2007-04-29, 02:31 PM
He's actually a nice guy in person. I know no one's ever going to believe me because I'm talking through the internet, but I met him once about six years ago or so. My mother actually helped his wife with some taxes around that time, which is how that happened. Very polite, kind of shy. You'd never believe he wins martial art tournaments looking at him.Your claims to have met the man are easily discounted by the fact that you are still alive.

Indon
2007-04-29, 03:59 PM
Your claims to have met the man are easily discounted by the fact that you are still alive.

When Chuck Norris encounters an entity he likes, he destroys it so utterly that it actually continues to exist as if nothing had happened.

Matthew
2007-04-29, 08:22 PM
Wizard utilizes spell combinations that make DM's Cry. Rocks fall, everyone dies. Ao, being within creation when everything dies, dies as well. Posthumous victory to the wizard.
Well, now I know the Wizard worship has gone too far around here...

Cyborg Pirate
2007-04-29, 09:39 PM
In all seriousness, he's a skilled martial artist; just not a very good actor. :smalltongue:

Heheh, yeah, I know. It's just that his movies are sooo horrible :smallbiggrin:. It's not always his acting. A lot of times, it's like the scriptwriters had a seriously good, smoke, before showing up at work.


He's actually a nice guy in person. I know no one's ever going to believe me because I'm talking through the internet, but I met him once about six years ago or so. My mother actually helped his wife with some taxes around that time, which is how that happened. Very polite, kind of shy. You'd never believe he wins martial art tournaments looking at him.

Actually, I find that quite easy to believe. Just about anyone I meet who's a serious martial artist (or a good soldier in the army) turns out to be a real friendly and relaxed person. It's like it's a prequisite for being good at such stuff. :smallsmile:


When Chuck Norris encounters an entity he likes, he destroys it so utterly that it actually continues to exist as if nothing had happened.

This reply is so made of win :smallbiggrin:

Variable Arcana
2007-04-29, 09:56 PM
Actually, I find that quite easy to believe. Just about anyone I meet who's a serious martial artist (or a good soldier in the army) turns out to be a real friendly and relaxed person. It's like it's a prequisite for being good at such stuff. :smallsmile:
I'd have said that it's (at least partially) the result of being good at such stuff.

turtleant120
2007-04-29, 10:08 PM
The wizard would win through Shapechange cheese. What could he possibly shapechange into to defeat Chuck?
http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/2829/way025un.jpg
The guy in the black pants.
Pfft, Chuck Noris would have won...




IN AMERICA!



I should be shot

Cybren
2007-04-29, 11:00 PM
I'd have said that it's (at least partially) the result of being good at such stuff.
I'd say it's completelly unrelated and you will meet good people and bad people anywhere you go. You will meet lots of bad people in any competetive atmosphere, martial arts included.

Latronis
2007-04-30, 02:31 AM
Explain thyself. Bruce was a highly accomplished practicioner of the best martial art form I know (wing chun, for the record). He was constantly challenged by renowned fighters from around the world, and did quite well in tournaments. The power he could put behind a hit, matched with his speed, were legendary in the industry.


True, If the industry is solely acting.

actual training: ~ 20 months

20 months does not a master make.

After all his talk about being fluid, watch him, his movements are the opposite: Stiff, and hard.

He broke the Principles of Wing Chun.

He took the Ideas of Sports systems (Fencing & Boxing) over Combat ones, and got his "Training" in those systems from one Manual, and one Article in Sports Illustrated.

He also Yammered ON & ON about "Going Beyond Form" when every first Year Student knows that that is why you study, to get beyond the Form.

Anything that he didn’t Comprehend, he condemned. It would have been FAR easier to just ask someone that knew better, but that would have been Beyond what his Ego would allow.

Those saying he is famous for "coming up with"? He stole every one from his College Textbooks, misquoting real thinkers into little fortune-cookie soundbytes.

His "Great Feats Of Strength"-a couple of Parlor Tricks that aren’t really that Impressive, and he was Underweight for a Male of his Height, even for an asian. Many women that are fitness Hobbyists have better lower body strength than Lee did. His Cardio was that of the Average couch Potato.

Actual fights: there's maybe 2 that have a neutral witness.

a cook with less then a years training made him look like a child.

The only other time that he was know to Match up with someone was a Student of Master Gin Foon Mark, who had about 11 months Training at the time, and Bruce couldn’t gain any advantage over him, even though he had 20 Months of Wing Chun, and he had been "Practicing At Home”. Wing Chun and Mantis Players should be about even at about one year, so that means that bruce must have lost something with his little Wing Chun Ideas, because they seem to have Undone the last 8 months (or the Equivalent) that he was Trained.

do i need to continue?

either way here's some food for thought:

http://www.cebridge.com.au/Ipman/Sifus/Wong%20Shun%20Leung.htm
http://www.myodynamics.com/articles/bruce.html
http://members.aol.com/_ht_a/martyeisen/mantis/Lee.htm?mtbrand=AOL_US
http://www.lakungfu.com/sifujackmanwong.html
http://us.imdb.com/Goofs?0106770

Teloric
2007-04-30, 12:36 PM
Ahem.

Magic > Bruce Lee - after all, he was cursed, and is now dead.

Bruce Lee > Chuck Norris - see Return of the Dragon.

Magic > Chuck Norris - simple logic...

Seatbelt
2007-04-30, 02:25 PM
I like the idea of Wizards v Batman though. Argue that instead.

Indon
2007-04-30, 02:27 PM
I like the idea of Wizards v Batman though. Argue that instead.

Well, you know how the ultimate Wizard-defeating scenario is one in which antimagic fields are frequent?

Batman wins. "Robin, fetch the Bat-Antimagic-Generator!"

Seatbelt
2007-04-30, 02:50 PM
I suppose. Batman usually just finds the best and most obvious solution. Superman gone crazy? Think up some super complex method of capture? NO! Batman made Kryptonite bullets. :P

Woot Spitum
2007-04-30, 04:21 PM
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZnZNIo_JwQI
^has conclusive evidance... chuck norris beats batman by thigh crushing

Awesome video. I could actually see Mr. Rogers winning, seeing he was a Navy Seal before he had his kids show.

Viscount Einstrauss
2007-04-30, 04:27 PM
Mr. Rogers wasn't a SEAL. He was never involved with the military. That's just one of several urban legends that attempted to paint the plain niceness of Fred Rogers as some sort of secret psychopath, trained killer, sexual deviant, etc. In truth, he was just an ordinary good guy outside of his celebrity status and line of work.

The stuff on Bruce is certainly interesting, though nothing I haven't really seen before. I guess I could see his arrogance and rigidness as a proper reasoning for disliking him, but they don't entirely negate his actual prowess. I wasn't saying he was the best martial artist out there- merely that he was a good one. Well, and for his size, unbelievably strong.

Woot Spitum
2007-04-30, 04:55 PM
Mr. Rogers wasn't a SEAL. He was never involved with the military. That's just one of several urban legends that attempted to paint the plain niceness of Fred Rogers as some sort of secret psychopath, trained killer, sexual deviant, etc. In truth, he was just an ordinary good guy outside of his celebrity status and line of work.

C'mon, it's on the internet, so it must be true.:smallbiggrin: Just like the story that Bruce Lee was killed by a demon jealous of his fighting skills.

Appolo
2007-04-30, 11:42 PM
Why are we even arguing about this? besides, the wizard would definitly lose to chuck norris. chucky is pretty amazing. the only chance the wizard would have is if he called in a favor from the creator of chuck norris, MaGyver. it's (not-so-commonly) known that MacGyver created Chuck Norris from some old gum and paperclips one particularily slow tuesday morning. macgyver could flick a piece of shoelace at chuck norris with the deadly effectiveness of the atomic explosions at hiroshima and nagasaki combined.

Aquillion
2007-05-01, 12:15 AM
Mr. Rogers wasn't a SEAL. He was never involved with the military. That's just one of several urban legends that attempted to paint the plain niceness of Fred Rogers as some sort of secret psychopath, trained killer, sexual deviant, etc. In truth, he was just an ordinary good guy outside of his celebrity status and line of work.
Mr. Wizard really was a B-24 bomber pilot in World War II, though. That might be the source of that, I guess?

But Rogers would have been too young to serve in that war.

Latronis
2007-05-01, 12:31 AM
what it comes down to is his size and weight combined with his upper body strength made him look really impressive onscreen