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View Full Version : Long, but amusing read.



RationalGoblin
2007-04-28, 04:18 PM
Made of win. (http://boards1.wizards.com/showpost.php?p=10138783&postcount=309)


WARNING: It's really long.

I just thought it might be funny.

Thoughts, anyone?

Rigel Cyrosea
2007-04-28, 04:32 PM
Wow. Possible or not, that's awesome.

Winged One
2007-04-28, 04:34 PM
The person being quoted seems to be annoyed. I might even go so far as to say that he is mildly vexed. :biggrin:

EndgamerAzari
2007-04-28, 04:38 PM
Wow.

I wonder if the guy who originally stated that came up with it off the top of his head.

Jack Mann
2007-04-28, 04:39 PM
This was posted onto the GitP boards too, I believe.

Here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=534672) it is, complete with witty rejoinder by yours truly.

lumberofdabeast
2007-04-28, 06:13 PM
That was incredible.

I think I've found my next BBEG.

JellyPooga
2007-04-28, 07:21 PM
That guy really doesn't like Elves does he?

Come to think of it, I don't really either... unless they're the twisted abominations that are Undead Elves (whatever type; Ghoul, Lich, Wight...I'm not fussy), of course...Aaahh, Undeath. Is their anything you cannot improve?

Sutremaine
2007-04-28, 07:25 PM
The funniest part, to me, is the way that the tone remains perfectly even and thoughtful throughout.

thehothead
2007-04-28, 07:34 PM
That is an AWESOME idea. He even kills off a bunch of gods. Now THAT s genius.

Jade_Tarem
2007-04-28, 07:46 PM
Seems a bit extreme. Just a bit, though.

Ruik
2007-04-28, 07:46 PM
That was... That was... wow. Just wow.

I suddenly have the urge to watch this guy/girl playing dnd - the mayhem, I suspect, would be awesome :smallamused:

Tallis
2007-04-28, 07:58 PM
I think I'm changing the plot of my next campaign.

Lord Tataraus
2007-04-28, 09:48 PM
I give him a standing ovation for that plan. It is amazing, very well thought out and almost fool-proof. He even takes into account the power-level of PC adventurers. He definitely has maxed Bluff and charisma.

Matthew
2007-04-29, 05:03 PM
http://www.cruisegazing.com/RPG_Motivational/slides/elves.jpg

lumberofdabeast
2007-04-29, 05:35 PM
Actually, a friend pointed something out to me.

How is he going to slit their throats while they sleep?

Elves don't sleep.

Tor the Fallen
2007-04-29, 05:36 PM
I like how it starts out with scheming and treachery and crescendos in an orgy of blood and slaughter.

Jade_Tarem
2007-04-29, 05:46 PM
Actually, a friend pointed something out to me.

How is he going to slit their throats while they sleep?

Elves don't sleep.

They do enter a sleep-like trance for 4 hours a day. It's close enough.

lumberofdabeast
2007-04-29, 05:50 PM
They do enter a sleep-like trance for 4 hours a day. It's close enough.

That assumes that each and every elf is on his or her own, and they all trance simultaneously.

Which is even less realisic then DnD's falling rules.

Hunter Noventa
2007-04-29, 06:12 PM
Except that he's talking about the adventuring party sufficiently powerful enough to "rescue" him. It's quite doubtful that they would all be elves.

Viscount Einstrauss
2007-04-29, 06:14 PM
He does that to the adventurers, though. Not the elves.

The most amazing part of all this is that this is a mostly plausible way to become a god and kill other gods without DM fiat or deus ex machina.

Earthstar_Fungus
2007-04-29, 06:14 PM
Wait, isn't there was a limit on the number of undead one can control? They're not even all that powerful...

Douglas
2007-04-29, 06:23 PM
The slitting throats while they sleep part is specifically for a single adventuring party that "rescues" him from orcs, not for the entire elven race. It is entirely reasonable that he might get the entire party to sleep during his watch, and even if one of the party members stays up for the same watch he's powerful enough that with surprise he can probably take that one out without waking the rest.

Kevka Palazzo
2007-04-29, 06:24 PM
I have a new patron deity. This guy. He's awesome.

Douglas
2007-04-29, 06:26 PM
Wait, isn't there was a limit on the number of undead one can control? They're not even all that powerful...
Yes, but it's not too hard to circumvent. Oil of Animate Dead is legal and counts whoever applies it as the caster while supplying the caster level itself. When you're at your limit, just make an Oil or two, have an undead servant apply it, and then have the servant order the new undead to obey you.

thorgrim29
2007-04-29, 07:07 PM
That guy is freaking awesome, die you tree fairies die! It does take granted that he can fool 2 whole churches, and the gods that come with them, dont major gods have a lot of powers to prevent him from doing that?

Matthew
2007-04-29, 07:40 PM
Well, the Deities are actually powered by worshippers from across the Multiverse (especially the major players he is discussing), so technically he wouldn't manage to impact the power of the Deities on their home planes overmuch and would likely get his ass kicked, but there you go.

Khoran
2007-04-29, 07:48 PM
So... I think I'm gonna be rolling up a Cleric of this guy. Who's with me?

Ruik
2007-04-29, 07:51 PM
So... I think I'm gonna be rolling up a Cleric of this guy. Who's with me?
*busts door open Kramer style*

Man I'm so up for that :smallbiggrin:

jjpickar
2007-04-29, 08:07 PM
The Orthodox Church of Elf Haters has been formed. Treachery, Triumph, and Genocide against the elves. Elves grrrrrr:smallfurious: :smallfurious: :smallfurious:

Jothki
2007-04-29, 08:11 PM
The biggest flaw in his plan is that he assumes that he can defeat any adventurers that attack him. If you're a villain, you WILL be defeated by adventurers, and they WILL use roughly a fourth of their resources in doing so. The trick is planning on how to either survive being defeated, or have your plot carry on without you.

Matthew
2007-04-29, 08:11 PM
Good luck against the Imperial Elven Spelljamming Navy... you're going to need it...

RationalGoblin
2007-04-29, 08:12 PM
So... I think I'm gonna be rolling up a Cleric of this guy. Who's with me?

Me.

Let us slay the foul elves and become living weapons from their corpses!


But, I have a query for you all. What if elves decided orcs had to die? Could they do the same thing?

martyboy74
2007-04-29, 08:14 PM
Unfortunately, gods get foreknowledge of even that affect their portfolio items <divine ranks> weeks in advance. I'm pretty sure that that kind of slaughter counts.

Khoran
2007-04-29, 08:17 PM
Then join me brothers! All hail.... Crap! What's our god's name again?

The_Werebear
2007-04-29, 08:22 PM
I don't know...

I think he could pull this off up until he reachs the stage where he will kill the elven gods. He may be better off recruiting some of the other dieties to go with him, letting them fight, then finishing off the surviviors.

RationalGoblin
2007-04-29, 08:24 PM
Then join me brothers! All hail.... Crap! What's our god's name again?

Grunmsh? Or do you mean the guy that tricked Grunmsh?

Ruik
2007-04-29, 08:28 PM
Then join me brothers! All hail.... Crap! What's our god's name again?
The Nameless One!!

Its so clichéd that the elves will never suspect its for real!!

Dr._Weird
2007-04-29, 08:30 PM
Meh. I guess it's amusing, but the plan is full of holes.

RationalGoblin
2007-04-29, 08:46 PM
Meh. I guess it's amusing, but the plan is full of holes.

How so? Explain, please.

geez3r
2007-04-29, 08:49 PM
That is quite possibly the greatest thing I have read in the past year.

Jothki
2007-04-29, 08:52 PM
How so? Explain, please.

One of them that springs to mind is his overreliance on a bunch of dragons that all wouldn't mind killing him but are too afraid of the other dragons to try it. He'll be dragonbait when the first Bard comes around, and that wouldn't even necessary involve abuse of the diplomacy system, just some reasonable negotiations and persuasion.

shaddy_24
2007-04-29, 08:56 PM
If I was DMing it, I'm pretty sure St. Cuthbert wouldn't be very happy if someone pretended to be my avitar. He might just be angry enough to wipe the poor fool from existance. Also, the level 20-30 leader of the church of Cuthbert would probably make the saving throw to disbeleave the dream and everyone would think it quite suspicious that the god didn't grant his highest level cleric this great vision. Then, when the fool appears, the entire church pounds him. Not to mention, how will he hide himself from Gruumsh? Or for that matter, fool him? The guys a god. I'm pretty sure his sense motive modifyer is +infite. That seems to be a major hole in this plan. Really creative though

Jack Mann
2007-04-29, 09:03 PM
Crap! What's our god's name again?
Final Dream.

C'mon, people, I linked you to an actual post by the guy. Follow the link. He even discusses it a bit more.

RationalGoblin
2007-04-29, 09:31 PM
Final Dream.

C'mon, people, I linked you to an actual post by the guy. Follow the link. He even discusses it a bit more.

Sir, I salute you for the witty post.

Too bad you can't +rep on these forums..

Also, techinically, he's following Grunmsh's will at first, so he can most likely fool him. (I mean cmon, he's the lord of the ORCS, for crying out loud) By the time Grunmsh figures it out, it'll be too late.

The_Snark
2007-04-29, 09:36 PM
Gruumsh, yeah. Not the sharpest tool in the divine shed. St. Cuthbert, God of Seeing Through Lying Scoundrels and Beating Them Over the Head, though... maybe not so easy. He'd certainly notice once the crusade got off to a start, and put an end to that nonsense. Better things to do with his worshippers' time.

Still, great plan.

Roderick_BR
2007-04-29, 10:44 PM
That would really make an awesome BBeG. Too bad that rules for undeads doesn't work the way he said, that would be amusing to try.

Tor the Fallen
2007-04-30, 01:16 AM
Why this plan wouldn't work, esp. vs. Lloth:


Portfolio

Every deity of rank 1 or higher has at least limited knowledge and control over some aspect of mortal existence. A deity’s connection to its portfolio gives it a number of powers.
Portfolio Sense

Demigods have a limited ability to sense events involving their portfolios. They automatically sense any event that involves one thousand or more people. The ability is limited to the present. Lesser deities automatically sense any event that involves their portfolios and affects five hundred or more people. Intermediate deities automatically sense any event that involves their portfolios, regardless of the number of people involved. In addition, their senses extend one week into the past for every divine rank they have. Greater deities automatically sense any event that involves their portfolios, regardless of the number of people involved. In addition, their senses extend one week into the past and one week into the future for every divine rank they have. When a deity senses an event, it merely knows that the event is occurring and where it is. The deity receives no sensory information about the event. Once a deity notices an event, it can use its remote sensing power to perceive the event.


After his long winded speech, the Spider Goddess goes "Treachery's in my portfolio, bitch. Thanks for killin the elves for me."

pwnd.

Tor the Fallen
2007-04-30, 01:18 AM
Wait, isn't there was a limit on the number of undead one can control? They're not even all that powerful...

Undead are fairly superior to your average low level warrior or commoner.

Merlin the Tuna
2007-04-30, 02:33 AM
After his long winded speech, the Spider Goddess goes "Treachery's in my portfolio, bitch. Thanks for killin the elves for me."

pwnd.Yeah, it's a fun plan, but it breaks down in a few spots, like that one. The conning of the Cuthbertites is another one; those are guys that are stocking up on Skill Focus: Sense Motive and Extra Smiting... And that doesn't even begin to cover the disproportionately large number of Church Inquisitors they'll have around. Oh, and unlike the historical ones, D&D inquisitors do not get fooled, ever.

Aquillion
2007-04-30, 03:36 AM
Also... do not depend on an undead horde ever. For anything.

The first time his horde of low-level undead bumps into a cleric of anyone, the whole thing goes to dust.

Tor the Fallen
2007-04-30, 03:43 AM
Also... do not depend on an undead horde ever. For anything.

The first time his horde of low-level undead bumps into a cleric of anyone, the whole thing goes to dust.

Wait... clerics use turn attempts for actual turning!?

Demented
2007-04-30, 04:36 AM
NPC clerics do. I don't know about those PCs...

Armads
2007-05-01, 05:53 AM
There are a LOT of flaws in his plan.

Firstly, he assumes that adventurers will fail their saves against whatever poisons he sets against them, they will fail their saves against the magic aura when they identify them, and they do not have access to Neutralise Poison.

He also assumes that the other adventurers lack ranks in Sense Motive (when he discussing slitting their throats).

When he meets the powerful adventurers, they'll just kill him, because not all adventurers are goody-two-shoes people who never want to kill other people without reason.

After that, Gruumsh will withdraw his boon, regaining his strength, and then he rest of the undead will tear him to pieces. If he releases them later, they'll tear him to pieces.

Hypothetical
2007-05-01, 06:51 AM
Um, just a question....is it just me or does this guy not like Elves?

I mean, I could be wrong. Maybe I'm reading too much into his post. But, it just seems to me that this guy may be a little bigoted towards Elves.

Armads
2007-05-01, 07:55 AM
This guy HATES elves. Thats what he wrote at the start. "Elves. I hate elves."

Gamebird
2007-05-01, 09:11 AM
Heh. Reminds me of something a hobgoblin merchant told our party a while back: "Why is it that they call hobgoblins stupid and elves so smart? It takes an elf over a hundred years to learn what it takes a hobgoblin 14 years to master!"

Matthew
2007-05-01, 09:24 PM
Heh, that Hobgoblin Merchant is right. Poor Elves (or rather, poor mechanics).

Hallavast
2007-05-01, 10:15 PM
Isn't that what happened (more or less) to the city of Myth Drannor?:smallconfused: