A terrible joke.

[YossarianLives]

What is the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty a bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

[AvatarVecna]

Do you know why, when you go to the grocery store, the cashier asks if you want paper or plastic?

Because baggers can't be choosers.

[enderlord99]

Is it better Nate than lever?

I don't know, but I think I'm doing this wrong.

[StabbityRabbit]

Why are slugs the chillest animal?
Because they can't get too salty.

[JustSomeGuy]

My father used to say "always fight fire with fire", at least until he was kicked out of the fire brigade.

[Capt Spanner]

There's an art thief. He's been sent to the British Museum in order to steal a famous picture of sunflowers.

He parks his van outside, and sneaks in. He skilfully avoids guards, cameras and alarms as he navigates the museum looking for the painting. But he can't find it!

He breaks into the "backstage" area, to see if maybe it's been left in storage overnight. But no, the painting isn't there either.

Eventually, satisfied he's searched the entire museum he starts to make his way out.

Oops.

Distracted by how he'll explain this to his boss, he trips an alarm.

In a mad rush the art thief runs for his van. He jumps inside and tries to get it going.

The engine doesn't start.

He sits there, trying to start the engine until a policeman shows up to arrest him.

The next day his bail is paid and the art thief is taken to the mob boss who contracted him.

"Do you know how much I had to pay for bail? What's wrong with you? Why were you sitting in a van - engine not even running - with no painting in it?"

"Well - " started the art thief, but the mob boss cut him off:

"No long winded explanations. What happened in three words or less?"

The art thief thought for a moment and then said:

"No van go."

[smcmike]

A man walks into a bar and orders three drinks. The bartender says "If you don't mind me asking, why do you order your drinks three at a time?" The man responds "One of my brothers lives in Europe, the other lives in Australia, and makes me feel closer to them to pretend I'm having a drink with them." The bartender thinks this is a bit odd, but the man becomes a regular, and before long the bartender has three drinks lined up by the time he gets to the bar. One day the man puts his hand over the third glass. "Thanks, just two today." The bartender offers his condolences: "I'm so sorry, which one of your brothers passed?" The man responds: "oh, no, my brothers are fine. It's just that I'm on the wagon."

[Brother Oni]

What type of motorbikes do little sisters like?

A nii-san!

I'm going to burn in hell for this...

[Razanir]

Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to build a house. But, being a little eccentric, he wanted to build the house using only 99 bricks. So he went to the hardware store and said, "Hello, I'd like to buy 99 bricks."

The owner of the store told him, "I'm sorry, we only sell bricks in quantities of 100."

"Can't you cut me a deal or something?" the man asked.

"Nope, sorry," replied the owner. So the guy bought 100 bricks.

He took the bricks back to his lot, and he built a house using 99 bricks. Now, if you do the math, 100 minus 99 is 1, so he had one brick left. And he took that brick, and he just chucked it, way up in the air!

[enderlord99]

How do you fit a giraffe in a refrigerator?


Open the door.
Put the giraffe in.
Close the door.

[Capt Spanner]

All the animals in the world call a conference to discuss climate change.

Which one doesn't attend?

The giraffe, because they're still in the fridge.

[Razanir]

How do you cross a crocodile-filled river in an anti-magic zone with no bridge, no boat, no vines to swing across on, and nothing else I might not have thought of?

Just swim across. They're all at the party.

[enderlord99]

You know, if people are going to try to finish a routine I was doing, and they're going to skip the second joke in the series (which is also the most important) then I'm going to tell a joke that's more disturbing than funny, and that I wouldn't have needed to do if I could actually tell the ones I was originally going to.

What's the difference between a cancer-fighting charity fund-drive and ethnic cleansing?

Well, one's a race for the cure...

Also: the bird will be carrying a brick, and we're supposed to think it's a cigarette.

See what it's like?:smallannoyed:

[danzibr]

Here I'll post my father's favorite joke (as mine doesn't come to mind).

Why are turds round on the end instead of square?

If they were square your butthole would snap shut.

[Capt Spanner]

You know, if people are going to try to finish a routine I was doing, and they're going to skip the second joke in the series (which is also the most important) ...

I thought I told the second joke in the sequence? :smalleek:

[Eldan]

There's an art thief. He's been sent to the British Museum in order to steal a famous picture of sunflowers.

He parks his van outside, and sneaks in. He skilfully avoids guards, cameras and alarms as he navigates the museum looking for the painting. But he can't find it!

He breaks into the "backstage" area, to see if maybe it's been left in storage overnight. But no, the painting isn't there either.

Eventually, satisfied he's searched the entire museum he starts to make his way out.

Oops.

Distracted by how he'll explain this to his boss, he trips an alarm.

In a mad rush the art thief runs for his van. He jumps inside and tries to get it going.

The engine doesn't start.

He sits there, trying to start the engine until a policeman shows up to arrest him.

The next day his bail is paid and the art thief is taken to the mob boss who contracted him.

"Do you know how much I had to pay for bail? What's wrong with you? Why were you sitting in a van - engine not even running - with no painting in it?"

"Well - " started the art thief, but the mob boss cut him off:

"No long winded explanations. What happened in three words or less?"

The art thief thought for a moment and then said:

"No van go."

Why is that funny? What am I missing in that punchline?

[enderlord99]

I thought I told the second joke in the sequence? :smalleek:

You told the third joke in the sequence, and you told it slightly wrong, too. The second joke is:


How do you fit an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open the fridge, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in, and close the door.

(Obviously, the answer for the third is the elephant, rather than the giraffe, but for the same reason.)



Why is that funny? What am I missing in that punchline?

The van didn't go, and the painting (made by Van Gogh) was also missing.

[golentan]

An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds.

A pessimist agrees.

[rs2excelsior]

An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds.

A pessimist agrees.

An optimist thinks the new parachute design will definitely work. A pessimist thinks it won't.

A realist is going to let one of the other two be the first to test it out.

[enderlord99]

http://41.media.tumblr.com/296ac9c32b2b7403f25e0c905fe94016/tumblr_n07r6mTAZh1rwgdwdo1_500.jpg

[Eldan]

You told the third joke in the sequence, and you told it slightly wrong, too. The second joke is:



(Obviously, the answer for the third is the elephant, rather than the giraffe, but for the same reason.)




The van didn't go, and the painting (made by Van Gogh) was also missing.

Oh. I had to look one up, since after your answer, it still wasn't all that clear.

You English people have weird, weird ways to pronounce Van Gogh.



How do you fit an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open the fridge, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in, and close the door.


And how can you tell that an elephant is in your fridge?

From the footprints in the butter.

How do you tell there's two elephants in the fridge?

They start giggling when the light goes out.

How do you tell if there's three elephants in your fridge?

The door doesn't quite close.

[Ryotaiku]

When ceiling fans were invented, they were considered revolutionary.

[Slingshot]

How many elephants can you fit in a Cadillac?

Four, Cadillacs are huge

[JNAProductions]

The other day, I shot an elephant in my pajamas.

To this day, I still don't know how he fit in them.

[Dire Moose]

How do you tell if there's four elephants in your fridge?

There's a Cadillac parked outside.

[Eldan]

How many giraffes can you fit in a Cadillac?

None, it's full of elephants.

[Gnome Alone]

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
What's green and fuzzy, has four legs, and if it falls out of a tree it can kill you?
A pool table.

[enderlord99]

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
What's green and fuzzy, has four legs, and if it falls out of a tree it can kill you?
A pool table.

I knew all of those!:smallcool:

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre

[Chromascope3D]

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees

[Eldan]

Regarding the above joke:

I always heard that one with "strawberry fields"

[Chromascope3D]

Regarding the above joke:

I always heard that one with "strawberry fields"

Well, I've never seen an elephant in a strawberry patch.
Because they always paint their toenails red.

[Razanir]

I have one last joke as this thread starts to die:

A guy was riding on an airplane, and he decided to smoke a cigar. Unfortunately, he was sitting next to a woman with a dog. The dog began coughing, so the lady said, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please put out your cigar? It's really bothering my dog."

He angrily replied, "No, I won't! You shouldn't have a dog on this flight anyways!"

"This is a non-smoking flight! You need to put that cigar out!" she said. They argued back and forth... get rid of the dog, put out the cigar, and so on.

Finally, the man said, "Look, I'll compromise with you. If you get rid of your dog, I'll get rid of the cigar." HE was thinking, "She'll never want to give up her dog." But much to his surprise, she agreed to the deal!

The lady opened the window (amazingly, without causing the air pressure inside the plane to drop) and threw her dog out. The man, thinking that he had another cigar anyways, threw his cigar out the window, thinking that he had won.

However, the woman suddenly reached out the window, and grabbed her dog's leash! As she pulled the dog back in, she was thinking that she'd won, but do you know what the dog had in its mouth?

A BRICK

[Chromascope3D]

What's a metaphor?
It's where you keep your sheep.

[Razanir]

What's a metaphor?
It's where you keep your sheep.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYqjcHYTQgQ

[JNAProductions]

Meta-meadow.

[enderlord99]

http://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/61131250.jpg

[Eldan]

I fail to see the connection between that setup and punchline. Not the disease, that's logical. But where does the character come in?

[enderlord99]

I fail to see the connection between that setup and punchline. Not the disease, that's logical. But where does the character come in?

Doesn't he say that he eats five dozen raw eggs every morning?

[TheThan]

Doesn't he say that he eats five dozen raw eggs every morning?

yes, and it made him roughly the size of a barge. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuJTqmpBnI0)

[Ravens_cry]

Doesn't he say that he eats five dozen raw eggs every morning?
He just says he eats eggs. He doesn't say how he takes them, though he does eat raw eggs in the video, in their shells.

[Capt Spanner]

What do you call it when a sheep decides to go back the way it came from?

A ewe-turn

[Cizak]

A psychic dwarf escaped from prison. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

[Jermz]

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre

Hahaha, this one completely cracked me up. I was big on Snoop and Dre back in the mid-90s, what a great punchline!

[snowblizz]

An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds.

A pessimist agrees.

The pessimist concludes life can't get any worse.

To which the optimist: Yes it can!

[SirKazum]

The pessimist concludes life can't get any worse.

To which the optimist: Yes it can!

An optimist will help you see good.

An optometrist will help you see well.

[TheThan]

Why don't you travel through the jungle between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?


Because that's when the Elephants are jumping out of the trees!


What's that black stuff between an elephant's toes?

Natives that traveled through the jungle between 2 and 4 in the afternoon!

[Pheehelm]

How do you tell an elephant from a plum?The color.
What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants approaching?"Here come the elephants!!"
What did Jane say when she saw a herd of elephants approaching?"Here come the plums!!"

(She was colorblind.)

[enderlord99]

You know the phrase "faster than greased lightning?" Well, a man named Bob thought he did. After being hit by greased lightning for the first time (which he claims was somewhat gross) he decided that he'd race against a bolt of it! Bob did indeed run fast, but ultimately, the greased lightning caught up and, once again, struck him in the back.

It was absolutely revolting.

[Tvtyrant]

There was a pine tree who wanted to enter a gambling competition but wasn't allowed to by the rules. He stole a fur coat and a large hat from a local store to disguise himself. He won first place at the tournament but was arrested as he walked out. The second place individual asked why he was arrested and the cops told him " he is obviously a connifer (said like con-in-fur)."

[Corey]

For the mathematically educated (computer science majors should know enough math for this too):

Q. What's purple and commutes?

A. An Abelian grape

Actually, the subway and train lines around Boston have colors, and the main commuter train line is -- you guessed it -- purple.

[EndlessWrath]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prince.

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy?
He was too far out man.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey

What's a pirates favorite letter?

You would think its ARRRRR but a Pirate's true love be the C

-Wrath

[AvatarVecna]

http://crazytattoopics.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Compass-Rose-Symbolism.jpg

[Talyn]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prince.

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy?
He was too far out man.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey

What's a pirates favorite letter?

You would think its ARRRRR but a Pirate's true love be the C

-Wrath

I'd heard the first one, but those last three are awesome.

[Velaryon]

Some of the jokes you guys are telling really aren't that terrible. I'll have to tell some extra bad ones to compensate. :smallbiggrin:

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

What do you call security guards outside a Samsung store?

The guardians of the Galaxy

Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

He was outstanding in his field.

[JDL]

1.
I've been reading a book on antigravity.

I can't put it down!

2.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

The bartender gives it to her.

3.
A group of mathematicians and a group of engineers are traveling together by train to attend a conference on mathematical methods in engineering. Each engineer has a ticket whereas only one of the mathematicians has one. Of course, the engineers laugh at the unworldly mathematicians and look forward to the moment the conductor shows up.
Suddenly one of the mathematicians shouts: "Conductor coming!"
All the mathematicians disappear into one washroom.
The conductor checks the ticket of each engineer and then knocks at the washroom door: "Your ticket, please."
The mathematicians stick the one ticket they have under the door, the conductor checks it and leaves. A few minutes later, when it is safe, the mathematicians come out of the washroom. The engineers are impressed.
When the conference has come to an end, the engineers decide that they are at least as smart as the mathematicians and also buy just one ticket for the whole group. This time the mathematicians have no ticket at all...
Again one of the mathematicians shouts: "Conductor coming!".
All the engineers rush off to one washroom. One of the mathematicians goes to that washroom, knocks at the door, and says: "Your ticket, please..."

4.
A mathematician, an engineer, and a computer scientist are vacationing together. They are riding in a car, enjoying the countryside, when suddenly the engine stops working.
The mathematician: "We came past a gas station a few minutes ago. Someone should go back and ask for help."
The engineer: "I should have a look at the engine. Perhaps, I can fix it."
The computer scientist: "Why don't we just open the doors, slam them shut, and see if everything works again?"

[comicshorse]

A termite walks into the pub and asks 'Is the bar tender here ?'

[EndlessWrath]

I'd heard the first one, but those last three are awesome.

Happy to oblige. :smallbiggrin: I try to be fluent in bad joke telling.

[ArcanaFire]

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean?

Bob

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a doorway?

Matt

What do you call a man with no arms or legs on a wall?

Art

[Slingshot]

What's red and green and goes 200 mph?

a frog in a blinder

What is invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

What does a one legged ballerina wear?

A one-one

Why do chicken coups have two doors?

Because if they had four doors they'd be chicken sedans

[Dire Moose]

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!