View Full Version : The Object

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2015-08-31, 09:07 AM
There is An Object.



No Limits.

Prince Zahn
2015-08-31, 09:24 AM
An object? Where?

Can I poke it?

2015-08-31, 11:14 AM
Yes you can! Whatever you use to poke it with is slowly engulfed.

I try to lift the object.

2015-09-01, 04:36 PM
You can't get a grip on it, it's very slippery and kind of plushy.

I bleed on it.

2015-09-01, 08:19 PM
It absorbs the blood. Its size increases perceptibly.

I shine a bright light upon it.

2015-09-02, 10:38 PM
The object seems to slide an inch towards the light.

I let a dragon breathe fire at the object.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-03, 11:47 AM
The fire makes it glow sky blue for the next 3 posts.

I try to feed the object.I mean, you never know, right?

Sir Toast
2015-09-03, 04:04 PM
It absorbs the food and grows bigger.
I throw a thunderstone at it.

2015-09-03, 04:27 PM
No effect.

I cast "heal" on it.

2015-09-04, 11:00 AM
It stops glowing blue.

I measure it.

Blue Ghost
2015-09-04, 03:49 PM
You get contradictory results.

I microwave it on high for 30 seconds.

2015-09-04, 05:24 PM
It glows celestially. What sort of "on high" were we talking about here?

I bite it.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-05, 09:38 AM
It sticks to your teeth. You feel a burning sensation as vapors emerge.

I build an altar around the object and bow before it.

2015-09-05, 10:23 AM
It pulses orange for a second, and then you level up.

I read it a bedtime story.

2015-09-05, 12:42 PM
It emits a soft purr.

I give it a lit cigarette.

2015-09-05, 12:44 PM
It becomes addicted and won't stop pestering you to buy more.

I throw a rock at it.

2015-09-05, 02:26 PM
The rock misses, and somehow manages to hit you in the face.

I lick it.

2015-09-05, 03:16 PM
Your tongue dissolves. It's pretty painful, actually.

I try to appease the all-mighty Inscrutable One by sacrificing some more tongues to it.

2015-09-05, 06:54 PM
It promises you immense power and then you suddenly spontaneously combust.

*Meteor Swarm*

Blue Ghost
2015-09-05, 07:12 PM
All the meteors miss it. The immediate vicinity around it is vaporized.

I use a scroll of identify on it.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-05, 11:24 PM
It is not magical.but based on previous posts it is clearly not mundane either.

I inspect it for scriptures or pictures or symbols.

Medivh the mage
2015-09-06, 01:46 AM
It shows a picture of Tiamat on it

I make its bed then tuck it in

2015-09-06, 04:56 AM
A soft snoring sound seems to come from the object.

I start playing heavy metal at max volume a few centimeters away from the object.

2015-09-06, 12:33 PM
It grows out uniformly long, thick hair all over.

I attempt to give it a shampoo and styling gel.

2015-09-06, 12:55 PM
The hair becomes sapient and starts screaming for mercy.

I give it mercy.

Medivh the mage
2015-09-06, 01:23 PM
It thanks you

I give it a rubber chew toy

Prince Zahn
2015-09-06, 02:22 PM
It does not work. The chew toy is somehow powerfully repelled by the object, as if by magnitism.

I draw a sheep in a box for the object.

2015-09-06, 06:53 PM
It makes you a sweater.

I swing at it with an axe.

Blue Ghost
2015-09-06, 07:19 PM
The object splits in half. Each half then reforms into a whole object.

I look for differences between the two objects.

2015-09-06, 11:33 PM
One of them turns into a newt.

I scimitar-chuck the half that's still there.

2015-09-07, 08:00 AM
The weapon sticks to its surface, then is sloooowly engulfed, along with the wielder if they don't let go in time.

I shine a bright light on it and ask where it hid the loot.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-07, 09:14 AM
The torchlight reflects to you eyes no matter which way you point it. The device otherwise does not respond.

I get a police dog to smell the object.

2015-09-07, 10:49 AM
The dog leaps into the ooze to be absorbed into it, committing suicide.
I am many. I am one, the Object says.

I ask how many it is.

Blue Ghost
2015-09-07, 12:42 PM
An LCD numerical display appears on the object. It fluctuates too quickly to be read, but it's in the range of six digits.

I weigh the object.

2015-09-07, 01:46 PM
It weighs exactly 31.4159 pounds.

I dig a hole and push the object inside.

2015-09-07, 07:15 PM
No effect visible.

I exhume the object and place it on a slab of stone where the moon will shine upon it all night long.

2015-09-07, 08:20 PM
At midnight, the slab cracks in half, and the object is nowhere to be found.

I dip the object in molten gold.

Insane Trystane
2015-09-07, 08:29 PM
The object slowly grows larger, stretching the gold around it.

I take a selfie with the object.

2015-09-07, 08:32 PM
It smiles and says; "Cheese!"

I tell it that it's beautiful.

Medivh the mage
2015-09-07, 10:18 PM
It says " I know I am"

I feed it an ice cream Sunday

2015-09-08, 01:11 AM
It gets covered with a thin layer of frost.

I teach it how to play Minecraft.

2015-09-08, 07:17 AM
The Object start creating perfect colored cubes around it and build a house with them.

I mesure the energy readings of the Object.

2015-09-08, 10:07 AM
You get readings in imaginary units.

I give it a wand with 3 charges of Silent Image.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-08, 12:20 PM
It manifests a viral (and politically incorrect) satire puppet show act featuring Abraham Lincoln, 16th president of the United States of America, and a LOLCAT.

I try to fix the object.

2015-09-08, 12:58 PM
It's not broken.

I break it.

2015-09-08, 02:31 PM
It gets fixed.

I shiv it, shank it, and lacerate it!

2015-09-08, 04:23 PM
It teleports you to the Plane of Water but is unharmed.

I buy it a dress that fits perfectly.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-09, 12:02 AM
Once you do so, you find yourself upon an altar in a fine tux tailored perfectly for you and each of your heads with the object wearing your dress and a veil before a congregation of shadows, mostly friends of the bride but you might recognize a few of them. You are minutes away from making this thing the happiest object in the Multiverse.

I wed Indarra with the Object.

@v I think you gotta do that in the counterpart thread too, for it to be canon:smalltongue::smallwink:

2015-09-09, 08:02 AM
Indarra becomes one with the object and ceases to exist. Despite the LCD screen changing too rapidly to be read, you perceive that the count went up by 1.

I insert the object into the vending machine. (You know the one I'm talking about)

Insane Trystane
2015-09-09, 07:01 PM
The object emerges, along with a switch with one side labeled "Magic" and the other labeled "More Magic."

I hand the object a blue/black mill deck.

Blue Ghost
2015-09-09, 08:28 PM
The object ejects cards at you, and you forget how to breathe.

I put the object in a locked room with a giant squid.

2015-09-09, 09:27 PM
The squid worships the object. No visible effect.

I feed the object a double shot of espresso.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-10, 04:40 AM
The object dispenses two double shots of espresso. They smell like coffee, but are blue with green foam and have quadruple the caffeine content.

I share the drink with the object.

2015-09-10, 06:54 AM
The Drink disapear from the surface of the Object, you cannot be certain but as it get absorbed you could swear a thumb up blinked on the Everchanging LCD Screen.
(You, however , will probaly spend a long gruelling afternoon, learning a harsh lesson about consuming cafeinated beverage with unusual colors)

I offer a rose to the Object and invite it to a Tango.
(and yes I mean the dance, ,not the drink, no puning for you TPBM)

2015-09-10, 02:18 PM
The object grows roses all over, but politely declines your offer.

I teach the object advanced mathematics.

2015-09-10, 06:50 PM
Indarra emerges unharmed.

I feed Razaneer to the object.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-11, 06:18 AM
The object covers you both in a drool-like slime. Nothing is consumed this time.

I offer the object a bottle of tums.

Insane Trystane
2015-09-11, 07:57 PM
It plays the Tums jingle, backwards and in Welsh.

I stick a "Hello, my name is..." sticker on the Object.

2015-09-12, 02:53 AM
Some eldritch runes appear on the sticker.

I drop a tungsten rod on the object from low orbit.

2015-09-12, 12:40 PM
The world explodes.

I plane shift the object into the Semi-Elemental Plane of Ranch Dressing.

2015-09-12, 03:33 PM
It starts playing Izzet burn.

I throw 74 corpses at it.

Medivh the mage
2015-09-12, 07:11 PM
74 living beings emerge from it.

I give it a broken hammer

2015-09-13, 03:02 AM
The object starts hitting you with the hammer, screaming 'A broken nail! A broken nail!'

I show the object all of the OotS comics.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-13, 06:37 AM
The glows in yellow and warm on every strip with MitD.

I polish the object, so whatever it is will be shiny:smallsmile:

2015-09-13, 08:23 AM
The polishing cloth is consumed. The object rolls toward the jar containing the polish.

I give the object comic books.

2015-09-13, 12:54 PM
The Object kills Joe Quesada after reading One More Day.

I make a painful pun near the object.

2015-09-13, 03:30 PM
Several glass shards come out of the abyss and pierce your body.

I introduce the object to Niv- Mizzet.

Dire Moose
2015-09-13, 05:10 PM
It politely shakes hands with him. Somehow.

I attempt to sacrifice it to Asmodeus.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-14, 08:27 PM
Asmodeus returns enraged and throws it back at you, claiming he wants nothing to do with something undeniably more vile than he.

I cautiously bathe the object in a run full of holy water, from a safe distance, with telekinesis.

2015-09-15, 03:09 PM
No Physical Effect, But it sends a backlash of HolPsi (holy psionic) energy at you, burning your brain.

I shove it in a proton cannon and blast it into the abyss.

2015-09-15, 03:11 PM
A rather annoyed Orcus shows up with the object, carefully places it back, and gives you a stern talking to on how you should not fire such items of great importance to other planes. Then he kills you and turns you into a zombie, because he's Orcus.

I ask the object its name.

2015-09-15, 05:12 PM
It answers, but only within your thoughts, and the name is unpronounceable by the human vocal apparatus anyway, and also it drives you insane. There is no visible effect on the object.

I cover the object with a tablecloth.

2015-09-15, 06:00 PM
It turns you into a newt.

I show it Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-16, 06:10 AM
You are catapulted by an inexplicable force into cloud nine.

I thank the object. Offering it Xihirli's cooked and seasoned remains as an offering.

2015-09-17, 02:58 PM
The object is appalled by your grammar error and disintegrates you.

I play chess with the object.

2015-09-17, 05:20 PM
You win, but in the next game all of the Object's pawns are queens.

I ask the Object to name itself.

Insane Trystane
2015-09-19, 11:51 AM
If you could read the script of the Elder Abominations, which you can't, you'd learn that its name is Steve.

I try to get the object to play The Stanley Parable.

2015-09-19, 05:11 PM
You succeed, but at the price of your soul.

I pickpocket it.

Sir Toast
2015-09-19, 07:47 PM
You succeed and retrieve your own wallet that "Steve" apparently pick pocketed.
I light the object on fire with a tindertwig.

Dire Moose
2015-09-19, 08:04 PM
You succeed! And then you realize that the item you pickpocketed was a fiendish dire wolverine.

The flames coalesce into a flaming ninja who not only kills you but also steals your posts.

I feed it to Godzilla.

Blue Ghost
2015-09-19, 09:03 PM
An epic battle ensues between the object and Godzilla, lasting three days and leveling most of Tokyo. The object wins, but just barely.

I paint the object blue.

2015-09-20, 04:02 AM
It absorbs the paint and releases a focused blast of paint at you. Fortunately your robes are already blue, so you probably won't see any stains.

I try to get a DNA sample of the object.

2015-09-20, 09:27 AM
The sample bursts into flame when exposed to air, leaving nothing to examine.

I give it a piece of gum, still in its wrapper.

2015-09-20, 01:33 PM
It starts blowing bubbles. ...Soap bubbles?

I pour grease on it.

Dire Moose
2015-09-20, 05:19 PM
The grease spontaneously catches fire.

I Power Attack it with my +1 greatsword.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-21, 06:31 AM
Your sword gets stuck inside the object, that engulfs in in under a second. A watery "clank" sound, and a series of crispy crunching noises.
The object, however, does not appear to have moved at all. It's such a shame that you blinked and you missed it.

I sing a song around the campfire with the object as lead singer. Adlibbing where needed.

2015-09-21, 12:47 PM
The object seems more interested by the campfire than the song, and attempts to engulf it. After a few failed attempts to do so, it is covered in small burns.

I bring the object to a physician.

2015-09-21, 02:56 PM
Rocks fall, everyone dies.

I ask the object to bring us all back with my last breath.

Sir Toast
2015-10-02, 04:03 PM
It laughs in a deep baritone voice, and surprisingly it fulfills your request. You notice that you have lost all the experience point you once had.

I try to hide from the object out of fear.

Dire Moose
2015-10-02, 10:37 PM
It seems like it worked, until you realize you were hiding behind the object the entire time.

I cast Detect Thoughts on it.

Enero Irontoad
2015-10-02, 10:49 PM
No Reading.

I attempt to draw a picture of the object.

2015-10-02, 10:59 PM
You draw a 4-D figure that traps you in a paradox.

I tell it; "this sentence is false."

2015-10-02, 11:51 PM
It says, "You're a big silly," and pats you on the head.

I place a d20 in front of the object.

2015-10-03, 08:21 AM
It slowly extends an appendage and pushes the d20. By sheer chance (?) it lands on the 20.

I hand the object three six-sided dice, telling it to roll them six times.

Insane Trystane
2015-10-03, 02:33 PM
It rolls them. Every single one lands on a 6. Just, concecutively, 666. 666. 666.

I repress my urge to Smite Evil and hand the object a character sheet and a pencil.

2015-10-03, 02:44 PM
While you cannot read the script it writes in, you suspect it built its character in a completely different system than the one the character sheet is for.

I ask it for a companion.

2015-10-03, 03:22 PM
Meet General Mountain!

I tell the Object that there's a new drow in town and he must learn his place beneath me, the main drow in this outfit (when Darius isn't here).

2015-10-03, 04:20 PM
No visible reaction.

I try to teach the object how to catch fish.

2015-10-03, 05:32 PM
You feed it for the rest of its life.

I set the Object on fire.

2015-10-04, 09:07 AM
It starts dumping bags of marshmallows on itself.

I kiss the object goodbye and tell it to have a nice day.

2015-10-04, 12:33 PM
It burns your lips off. Other than that, you experience a vague feeling of appreciation.

I throw the object at SCP-682 (http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-682).

2015-10-04, 12:41 PM
You miss.

I tell the object that no one loves it.

Sir Toast
2015-10-04, 01:35 PM
It evens the ground by casting Familicide on you.

I ask the object if it could give me some experiance points.

2015-10-05, 03:20 AM
The object points at you several times. It appears confused.

I get the object drunk.

Prince Zahn
2015-10-05, 06:41 AM
unsuccessful. the drinks just trickle down to the floor as soon as you pour it in. the alcohol remains exactly the same as before, except it is now highly radioactive.

I use the object as the research topic of my thesis.

2015-10-05, 09:51 AM
You slowly go mad. Recorded as "no result" since effects are not distinguishable from control group.

I give the object an iPhone.

2015-10-05, 01:37 PM
It taps a few times on the screen, and suddenly your own phone starts ringing. That's odd, you don't remind giving your number to the object...

I have the object take the Voight-Kampff test.

Blue Ghost
2015-10-05, 07:44 PM
The object does not appear to be sentient at the moment.

I send the object to the SCP Foundation for study.

2015-10-09, 06:41 PM
They deny that the object exists, instead capturing you and studying you for your apparently anomalous hallucinations.

I teach the object how to tap dance.

2015-10-09, 07:45 PM
The world blows up.

I ask the Object to send me to New Namek.

Insane Trystane
2015-10-09, 10:19 PM
It teleports you to Wen Keman. A nice little town, just south of Nodnol.

I send the object three million years i to the future.

2015-10-10, 01:06 AM
The object reappears after a second. A note appears in your hand that says "Nobody will remember you."

I suplex the object.

2015-10-10, 01:46 AM
The object reverses it, and hits you with a chair. It is a 2 tonne chair, 50 feet high

I high five the object

Prince Zahn
2015-10-10, 03:23 AM
You hear bubbly sounds as your hand passes through it.

I photograph the object with all sorts of cameras from different time periods

2015-10-10, 09:33 AM
The resulting pictures all seem to come from the wrong cameras, and show pictures of ducks rather than the object.

I offer the object a mint.

2015-10-10, 10:33 AM
The object takes one, and then vomits Febreeze.

I put the object in hilarious poses, take pictures of them, and upload them on the internet with badly written yet strangely charming text written on them.

2015-10-10, 11:39 AM
The object becomes an internet celebrity, but then the object feels very empty from the success and eventually just absorbs your camera.

I give the object an account on the Giantitp.com forums and show it this thread.

Prince Zahn
2015-10-10, 12:04 PM
The object uses it to make spam threads faster than ever before.

I report the object to the moderators.

2015-10-10, 12:57 PM
The object leaves you a message saying it now angry at you, and it knows where you live.

I try to appease the object with a bag of cookies.

2015-10-10, 01:24 PM
The cookies are consumed and a stack of ideas left in their place.

I take the object to the beach.

2015-10-10, 01:27 PM
It builds a sand castle the size of a small city around you, putting you in an epic dungeon filled with sand monsters.

I fling the object at one of the sand monsters.

Prince Zahn
2015-10-10, 05:20 PM
As you try to do that, you discover the object n momentarily becomes too heavy to carry.

I open a gate beneath the object that sends it plummeting down to the shadowfell. And seal it fast.

2015-10-11, 03:41 AM
For a few days, nothing else happens. Then when you are walking down the street one day, something that looks like a giant claw reaches out from a random nearby shadow and disembowels you. The last thing you see before you die is a giant shadowy tsunami flowing from the claw, with the object riding it.

I swear allegiance to the Shadow-God-Object-King in life and death!

2015-10-11, 08:04 AM
The object uses you as a sacrifice. For this "honor", it gives 2 gp and a bucket.

I give the object a bucket

2015-10-11, 09:30 AM
The object places the bucket on your head.

I place the object in the driver's seat of a tow truck.

2015-10-11, 09:31 PM
It tows your car to the scrapyard.

I pay it ten dollars for the car.

2015-10-11, 10:08 PM
It accepts.

I ask it to please be my slave.

Dire Moose
2015-10-11, 10:24 PM
It insists on making you its slave instead.

I pour holy water on it.

2015-10-12, 02:53 PM
It takes on a slight blue color. Then it shoots holy lasers at your face.

I teach the object advanced mathematics.

2015-10-12, 03:04 PM
It figures out a way to travel faster-than-light, but doesn't tell anyone what that way is.

I throw the object a bone.

Prince Zahn
2015-10-12, 03:58 PM
The object hits the ground running

I run after the object.

2015-10-12, 04:24 PM
The object is gone before you even start, unfortunately you had no chance against something going faster than the speed of light.

I ask the object what it sees?

2015-11-21, 11:12 AM
The object burps up a cloud of smog.

I give the object a piece of chalk.

2015-11-21, 01:49 PM
The object shows signs of pregnancy.

After nine months or so, I assist the object in giving birth.

Blue Ghost
2015-11-21, 02:49 PM
The object gives birth to a litter of baby chinchillas.

I take photographs of the object.

Prince Zahn
2015-11-22, 01:54 AM
You note how pictures of the object seem to be censored heavily with obscure baby food advertisements from the 1970's.

I share ice cream with the object as part of a Disney-esque montage.

@V Famous last words (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=19959845&postcount=107), my friend!

Also: Ninja'd :smalltongue:

Dire Moose
2015-11-22, 02:15 AM
The photographs develop without the object in them.

I eat the object.

2015-11-22, 11:30 AM
It crawls out of your ears. You have no idea why, it just does.

I discuss metaphysics with the object.

2015-11-22, 11:40 AM
It releases a song "let's get metaphysical", which reaches the top 5 in Germany, Mexico and Australia.

I insert a note asking for an autograph

2015-11-22, 12:40 PM
You find strange runes burnt onto the back of your wrist. They do not belong to any alphabet that you know of.

I airdrop the object on Africa.

2015-11-22, 01:07 PM
The object tunnels through the Earth and comes out off the New Zealand coast.

I abandon the object to drown.

Blue Ghost
2015-11-22, 06:33 PM
It's an object. It doesn't breathe. It eventually washes up in Miami.

I throw the object in a fire.

Prince Zahn
2015-11-23, 06:12 AM
The fire seems to burn faster and stronger; when the fire is Burnt out, the object is coated in dark gray ashes.

I make the object shine bright like a diamond.

2015-11-24, 10:32 AM
Morgoth, the Valar, FŽanor, and Thingol all want it, mistaking it for a fourth Silmaril.

I attempt to teach it to speak English.

2015-11-24, 02:52 PM
It answers in Japanese. It is either threatening you, or asking if you know where it's keys are.

I show the object a magic trick

2015-11-24, 06:25 PM
The object blasts you with a Meteor Swarm. Twice.

I send the object to Hoag's Object (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoag%27s_Object).

Prince Zahn
2015-11-25, 12:16 AM
The object returns with an eldritch postcard-like device that in layman terms says "return to sender". The postcard device apparently also led an alien invasion to find us and destroy our planet. Thanks intergalactic post office!

I miraculously save the object from being destroyed with the earth.

2015-11-26, 03:16 PM
You embark on an epic adventure where you walk the galaxy, meet aliens, and struggle to find a nice cup of tea.

I return the object to Earth. Except it's not really earth, but some kind of parallel universe earth. Or maybe a planet that happens to look like it. Or a suppressed timeline brought back after the unjust destruction of the planet. It's not really clear.

2015-11-26, 07:38 PM
The planet is used as a prop in a reboot of Star Wars. It's Alderaan.

I use the Object as a shield to block the Death Star beam.

2015-11-26, 08:11 PM
The object bellows "YOU FOOL! (https://youtu.be/loxR03e_N6Y?t=9s)" and fires a much larger beam at the Death Star.

I read Alice in Wonderland to the object.

Prince Zahn
2015-11-27, 02:59 AM
As you read, You notice the words disappear and the inscribe themselves on the object. You find yourself unable to stop reading until the end.

I Write a superhero comic series starring the object. The object will receive royalties as proper.

2015-11-28, 12:04 PM
It becomes famous and stars in several movies. They're not as good as the comics, though.

I summon Gandalf and tell him the object is evil.

2015-11-28, 04:03 PM
Gandalf arrives, takes a look at the object, and leaves. You hear him mutter "one object to rule them all..."

I give the object to sam vimes

Dire Moose
2015-11-28, 11:31 PM
It turns him into an Objectspawn.

I attempt to lift it and throw it using the Force.

Insane Trystane
2015-11-28, 11:49 PM
It doesn't move, and now you're having trouble breathing...

I coat the object in sugared rice vinegar and con someone into fanning it with a paper plate until it's dry.

2015-11-29, 12:31 AM
The object stabs you.

I take its knife away.

2015-11-29, 12:44 AM
It stabs you.

I give it its knife back.

2015-11-29, 01:04 AM
It stabs Xihirli.

I challenge the object to a breakdancing competition.

Prince Zahn
2015-11-29, 03:11 AM
It stabs itself to the ungodly rhythm, overheats and temporarily deactivates. it should come reactivate in 4 posts after this one, but until then the object is officially inanimate.

Using proper research tools and heavy gloves, I trace the words written on the object, and with a team of scientists dedicate our lives to decode it.

2015-11-29, 07:05 AM
The object travels back in time from 3 posts hence, stabs you and takes the inanimate object with it. This means we now don't have an object for another 2 posts.

I try to locate the object with a deloran

2015-11-29, 08:51 AM
The object shoots your deloreon down with a rocket launcher, screaming; "TAKE THAT, PHYSICS!"

I give it a physics textbook.

2015-11-29, 01:12 PM
The object transforms into a black hole.

I attempt to send a superluminal laser beam into the object.

2015-11-29, 03:48 PM
You see it leave the object, then you see the object dodge the laser, then you see it enter the space where the object used to be. This very confusing situation causes massive ripples in the space-time continuum.

I create a Facebook page for the object.

Prince Zahn
2015-11-30, 03:23 AM
As it turns out, the Facebook page is just as vague and indecipherable as the real thing.

I called the object a thing.

2015-11-30, 04:07 PM
You have lost your soul.

I offer the Object the souls of my enemies.

2015-11-30, 06:06 PM
For some reason it precieves you as an enemy of yourself. You are now down one soul.

I take the object on a quest to regain your soul

2015-12-07, 06:39 PM
The object grows hungry after the preliminary introduction of minor characters, and consumes your soul instead.

I place the object in a backpack and carry it home.

Prince Zahn
2015-12-08, 10:42 AM
by the time you make it home you realize your backback is empty, and there is a large hole on the bottom.

I activate the object. We'll never discover it's purpose if we don't turn it on, right?

2015-12-08, 01:13 PM
WIth a quick series of elaborate poses, the object transforms into an armored karate bug-man.

I find the object on Tinder and left swipe it.

2015-12-08, 04:01 PM
It swipes you left. As in, it uses telekinetic powers to fling you in a general left-like direction at speeds exceeding those of sound. Oh, there was a wall there? What a pity.

I throw a dart at a spinning globe, travel to the hit location, and place the object there.

2015-12-10, 03:38 AM
The object disappears in a puff of smoke.

I observe the object on the surface of Mars.

Prince Zahn
2015-12-10, 05:52 AM
Turns out you can't see the object from there.

I use the object to Crack open walnuts.

2015-12-10, 07:34 AM
It cracks open the walnuts by casting Crack (http://dragonquest.wikia.com/wiki/Crack) on them. Your walnuts are now cold but cracked.

I phone the object and ask if it's refrigerator is running.

2015-12-10, 11:57 AM
It says nothing. When you look away from the phone, your refrigerator is missing.

I axe the object a question.

2015-12-10, 10:58 PM
The object turns into a Minotaur with an ax. And then you die.

I milk the object.

2015-12-11, 05:04 AM
A strange black liquid oozes from the Object's pores. It is extremely toxic and quickly burns your hands down to the bone.

I put on a hazmat suit and attempt to quarantine the Object.

2015-12-11, 05:39 AM
You succeed. However the object lets you know this is only because it wants to be and can successfully break out at any moment.

I ask the object to prove it

2015-12-12, 11:21 AM
It taps you on the shoulder, revealing that it wasn't the object that got captured but an elaborate decoy it fashioned of itself.

I throw the object in the Death Star's thermal exhaust port.

Prince Zahn
2015-12-12, 11:40 AM
The death star stabalizes all of a sudden, and the object makes a most anticlimactic clunk.

I write Dire Stirge's name on the object.

2015-12-12, 12:10 PM
You find your own name written on your forehead the next time you look in a mirror.

I throw the object a party.

2015-12-12, 01:05 PM
The object throws a party. At your face. At high velocity.

I blare a sick beat on my boombox and challenge the object to a rap battle.

2015-12-12, 03:02 PM
You suffer the biggest defeat in human history. You now can't show your face in public again.

I ask the object for mercy

Prince Zahn
2015-12-13, 01:23 AM
Sometimes people forget we are talking about is an object, it does not bare the compassion required to show mercy. You are defeated too, objectively, repeatedly, and quite mercilessly might I add.

I attach the object to another object on an inclined plane, wrapping it helically around an axis.

2015-12-13, 04:08 PM
The Object is screwed.

I unscrew the object.

2015-12-14, 06:06 PM
You're screwed.

I lick the object and whisper sweet nothings to it.

2015-12-14, 06:12 PM
The object files a restraining order. That is to say, it gives the order and you are chained to a filing cabinet and dumped in the ocean.

I play the entire soundtrack of Cabaret to the object.

Prince Zahn
2015-12-15, 01:19 AM
The object applauded, without a single movement.

I attempt to reverse engineer the object to learn it's secret. I'm also wearing a lead helmet so no insanity for me :smallwink:

2015-12-15, 02:03 AM
The lead helmet vanishes and reappears on the object. You are now insane.

I ask the object what its desires are.

2015-12-16, 01:48 PM
It displays mental images of Xihirli burning in the deepest of hells.

I sacrifice Xihirli to the Object.

2015-12-16, 05:51 PM
The object leaves the room with Xihirli's corpse and tosses you a sack of one billion units of your preferred currency. Sounds of shuffling and Xihirli screaming are heard along with some painful otherworldly sounds.

I tell the object that it's shoelaces are untied.

Prince Zahn
2015-12-17, 11:46 AM
The object looks down and eats your face once it discovers that it was, in fact, wearing flip-flops today.

I give the object warmer shoes and socks.

2015-12-19, 07:15 AM
It absorbs them with a sickening slurp, then is slowly consumed by foul-smelling greenish flames from the inside, leaving nothing but a pair of rather tacky orange flip-flops. It reappears precisely 12 hours later in a position diametrically opposite on the globe, with a smirk on its nonexistent face.

I try to wipe that smirk off its nonexistent face.

2015-12-25, 06:38 PM
You succeed, but you are left with a feeling of loss. You are unsure of what.

I ask the object to psycho analyse me

2015-12-25, 07:15 PM
The object hands you a cigar.

I attempt to impale the object.

2015-12-25, 07:23 PM
It hastily forges documents identifying him as a licensed psychiatrist before interviewing you. It turns into a ninja and impales you right back.

I warn the object that it will be visited by three spirits.

2015-12-26, 12:58 AM
It spits out a bottle each of what is ostensibly Jose Cuervo, Jack Daniels, and Ol' Janx Spirit. Should you be brave enough to try any of them, each has the consistency of pond scum and the flavor of grapefruit mixed with venison (and you should probably see a doctor about that tail you're growing).

I make a very bad attempt at Harlem Globetrotters-style basketball hijinks, using the object as a ball.

Prince Zahn
2015-12-26, 07:40 AM
You find it exceedingly difficult because the object is both heavy and bears an impractical shape for such tricks. when it drops, it aims for your foot and smashes it.

I measure the object's dimensions and sketch it's shape. what do I find from that?

2015-12-26, 07:46 PM
You find yourself in an asylum, with strange masked men attempting to restrain you as you yell in a language incomprehensible to your ears.

I show a photograph of you being led away to the object.

2015-12-28, 04:46 AM
It grins malevolently.

I give the object a black cape and a goatee.

2015-12-28, 05:23 AM
The black cape and goatee are absorbed into its preexistent ones (or whatever those ominous black markings really are). It cackles maniacally and you find yourself tied down to the tracks in front of an oncoming train.

I give the object a foot massage (or, failing that, I find whatever the closest foot analog is and massage that).

Prince Zahn
2015-12-28, 06:51 AM
The closest foot analog is your own, so you massage it, the object - being an object, does absolutely nothing while you're doing it, but it seems to be rather upset if you ever stop.

I imitate the object flawlessly, to the point it and I are absolutely indistinguishable.

2015-12-28, 04:50 PM
The Object proceeds to frame you for bank robbery. As you and it are indistinguishable, you then get sentenced to prison for the rest of your life.

I show the Object a ball.

2015-12-29, 04:49 AM
It shows you your kidneys.

I forbid the object from doing anything a certain stabby drow would do.

2015-12-29, 06:16 AM
Evard's Black Tentacles!

Then you get hit with:
Standard-Issue Eldritch Object Pseudopods!

Because True Stupid Neutral, that's why!

I politely ask the object to keep its voice down, and to stop talking in colors.

2015-12-31, 06:41 PM
It laughs at your thought process. TALKING IN COLORS, you're crazy.

I give it a copy of the first volume of Fairy Tail.

2016-01-01, 01:56 PM
It reads the volume. Strangely, every time it finishes a page, the book gets two pages thicker, and eventually the Object has read the entire storyline, including all that is to come. It then starts telepathically transmitting spoilers into your brain.

I give the object Brian's brain.

2016-01-04, 01:58 AM
It tells you to always look on the bright side of life.

I show the Object its father's lightsaber.

2016-01-04, 06:35 AM
You become utterly convinced this is not the object you're looking for, and that you should move along.

I treat the object to a day at the beach.

2016-01-04, 02:49 PM
The object thanks you. This fills you with a sense of dread

I ask the object it's views of cubism

Dire Moose
2016-01-05, 04:23 PM
The object becomes a shape that cannot possibly exist in reality.

I cast the object into the fires of Mount Doom.

2016-01-05, 05:33 PM
It becomes more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

I tell the object that it is a wizard.

2016-01-05, 05:35 PM
You find yourself on the front lines of one of the human armies facing Thangorodrim. And it's the day of Unnumbered Tears. It tests out its new spellcasting powers. Its first spell is Avada kedavra. And its wand was pointed at you.

I build a solid gold statue of the Object.

2016-01-05, 07:02 PM
Pilgrims come from miles around to worship the statue, only to be engulfed by the object, which never seems to get any bigger.

I challenge the object to a game of chicken.

Prince Zahn
2016-01-07, 06:16 AM
You fall over the edge and the object wins by default, it also only takes the object one eighth of a millisecond to gain full acceleration and come to a full stop, so you stood no chance.

I put a lady-object In front of the object. Play nice you two while I get the heck out of there.

2016-01-07, 07:41 AM
The object is amused by your puny attempts of understanding it's desires with your tiny mind and simply ignores the lady-object, which was hungry for attention. Since the attention was not coming, the lady-object self-destructed in fury.

I put a barrel in front of the object and challenge it with containing itself within the barrel without actually entering the barrel.

2016-01-07, 03:23 PM
The barrel is telepathically moved by the object, which places it on itself. The object didn't 'enter' it, yet is still contained by it.

I teach the object to play violin music indefinitely to repulse the unnamable things that dwell in the infinite void.

2016-01-07, 03:33 PM
The Object plays a different tune, summoning the unnameable things that dwell in the infinite void.

I try to reason with the Object to repulse the unnameable things that dwell in the infinite void.

2016-01-07, 05:27 PM
Sorry, it's too caught up in its violin-playing to notice. It's really a catchy tune! Fortunately the void is infinite so the unnamable things are on their way but will never arrive.

I give the object a birthday present. (Prove to me it's not its birthday!)

2016-01-07, 10:48 PM
It accepts the gift. You feel a sense of foreboding as it thanks you.

I grab the object and run for the end zone.

Prince Zahn
2016-01-08, 11:48 AM
You get tackled by a mobile, hostile, invisible wall of force that proceeds to collapse on you until let go of the object.

I let it go. . .

2016-01-08, 01:35 PM
It decides it can't hold you back anymore, and lets you fall over the cliff to your inevitable death.

I betray the Object.

2016-01-08, 05:20 PM
You find yourself embedded in solid rock, with your bodily functions suspended but your senses active and your consciousness fully aware. The object is being merciful as it's your first offense.

I offer the object a bribe to help me play a practical joke on TPBM.

2016-01-08, 06:40 PM
I start to write something before I too am frozen in rock. I don't see the funny side and crave vengeance

I ask the object for help in getting vengeance

2016-01-09, 05:29 AM
It refuses. Also, the rock is lava now.

I bring the Object to justice.

2016-01-09, 07:27 AM
You find yourself sentenced to life in prison.

I offer the Object a rare flower.

2016-01-09, 07:37 AM
It kisses you on the cheek and thanks you for being such a sweetheart, which fills you with an ominous sense of impending doom.

I play rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock with the object.

2016-01-09, 07:51 AM
The Object defeats your Paper with a Spock.
Don't question it.

I question it.

Probably Pixel
2016-01-09, 11:02 AM
I question the object.

However, this has no effect.

I question myself.

Prince Zahn
2016-01-10, 07:20 AM
The object gives you an epiphany that your purpose is to rule the world with it.

I compete for the object's cause.

2016-01-10, 08:45 AM
The Object effects your utter defeat.

I take a blood sample from the Object.

2016-01-10, 11:34 AM
You identify it as type XCKD. If you inject it into someone, it makes them snarky and over-educated.

I shout "Notice me, Object-senpai!"

2016-01-10, 11:39 AM
It takes you on a training montage. You realise afterwards that you didn't actually learn anything.

I tell the object some jokes that don't translate very well in english

2016-01-10, 03:11 PM
You die.

I give the object candy.

2016-01-10, 10:32 PM
It gives you candy in return. It is lime green and smells of anchovies. Then you also die (whether you eat it or not).

I film a buddy-cop movie with the object as my costar.

2016-01-11, 12:48 AM
At the end of the movie, you fuse your consciousness into the Object, becoming an awesome team but at a horrible price (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AndIMustScream).

I select the Object as my character while playing the latest Dead or Alive game.

2016-01-21, 04:00 AM
There's no battle, just a 'you win' screen. Then your console explodes.

I ____________________ the Object.

2016-01-21, 08:20 PM

I draw a magic circle around the object.

2016-01-22, 07:50 PM
Ten thousand objects materialize.

I hit one object with one of its clones.

2016-01-22, 08:12 PM
All ten thousand clones merge into one Tokyo-rampage-worthy giant object.

I offer Xihirli as a peace offering to Giganto-Object.

2016-01-22, 09:50 PM
The Giganto-Object stabs Xihirli and then devours him whole.

I offer Giganto-Object a napkin.

2016-01-23, 05:48 AM
It complains about the napkin's size.

I give Giganto-Object a napkin the size of a football field.

2016-01-23, 01:16 PM
Giganto-Object uses the napkin to wipe off its extras, going back into regular size.

I feed the Object brownies.

2016-01-23, 06:02 PM
The object starts tripping out. You find yourself turned into a penguin.

I punt the object.

@V: So much win. My proverbial hat is off.

2016-01-23, 09:15 PM
You find you missed the Object. Also, you are inexplicably wearing a yellow and black shirt and you have lost all your hair.

I tell the object that TPAM is a blockhead.

Prince Zahn
2016-01-24, 02:12 AM
Your head literally becomes cube shaped as you mock TPAY. being unable to support it's weight, you fall forward. You also find you are wearing an inflexible blue dress that makes reaches your knees. http://www.joannezienty.com/uploads/8/2/3/5/8235807/8502667_orig.jpg?1
Ever notice how Lucy's head is a closer resemblance to a block than Charlie Brown's?
I give the object a white baseball cap.

Dire Moose
2016-01-24, 10:42 AM
The object pitches a baseball toward you...really fast (https://what-if.xkcd.com/1/).

I cast Phantasmal Killer on the object.

2016-01-24, 03:41 PM
You turn into a newt.

I eat a piece of the Object.

2016-01-25, 01:51 PM
You find yourself compelled to don a chicken suit and sing "I Feel Pretty" at the top of your lungs for the rest of your days.

I pin a medal of honor on the object.

Prince Zahn
2016-01-26, 03:45 AM
It slowly slides off; as it turns out, the object does not care for your approval.

I teach the object to meditate.

2016-01-26, 12:22 PM
The Object networks it's mind with every living being in the universe, thus granting him total control over everything. World peace is attained universally.

I bow down to the Object.