Can you guys judge my essay?

[Hexblade]

Hey Playgrounders, I just want to know if you can look over my story that I wrote about a battle in Dungeons and Dragons. It's four paragraphs, so it's just short and sweet. Any advice would be helpful.

Story:https://www.dropbox.com/s/5n8hye6u8gnbd4h/The%20Orc%20%282%29.docx?dl=0


By the way, this is for a seventh grade LA class.

[Ranxerox]

If it is just 4 paragraphs, why don't you just cut and paste it here? No offense, but I am careful about what I download onto my computer.

[Hexblade]

It's just that I feel it would look weird as a post. And it's not a download, just a link to Dropbox.

[SaintRidley]

Since this is homework, there's going to probably be some resistance to wanting to tinker with it. As homework, it is also a bit of an obstacle not to have the assignment prompt in front of us if we are to look at your essay. Without the assignment prompt, we're flying blind and have no way to know if you are or are not successfully demonstrating your capacity in whatever skill your teacher is working on developing. Without the assignment prompt any advice you do receive might well be useless.

[Hexblade]

There isn't really an assignment prompt. This is the beginning of the year, so my teacher just want's to know how good I am at writing. I chose a battle in D&D as my topic.

[Lethologica]

There isn't really an assignment prompt. This is the beginning of the year, so my teacher just want's to know how good I am at writing. I chose a battle in D&D as my topic.
In that case, the essay is doing its job already: it's demonstrating your strengths and/or weaknesses as a writer. I read it, but I'm reluctant to suggest particular changes, because then I'd be making your teacher's job (assessing your writing and figuring out how to help you grow) more difficult.

As far as judgment? You have a broad vocabulary. Your grammar is mostly correct, though you get a little sloppy with your pronoun antecedents--when you say "he," it's not always clear which character you're referring to. Your paragraphing is decent--no wall of text, no endless "and then he did this, and then he did that, and then this other thing happened" rambling. The POV shifting is a little scattered, but it's cool that you're working perspective shifts into your writing in the first place. Your writing style is heavily influenced by fantasy/D&D, so your teacher won't be worried about getting you to read, but might encourage you to read other sorts of stories as well.

If I were thinking about a followup, I would ask about one of two things. First, I might ask why your characters are fighting these orc barbarians--what the source of conflict is, who initiated the fight and why, that sort of thing. Second, I might ask what your characters are like when they're not caught up in the headlong rush of combat--who they are, who they want to be, how they relate to each other, what they fear, etc. Triple bonus points if you can convey this information through storytelling.

[Hexblade]

Thank you, Lethologica! This is exactly what I needed. About the motivations, I think I may put that into a different story, as this one is only supposed to be 4 paragraphs. I will try to edit it and will put in an updated link.