The Mad Bakery

[Nevrmore]

It looks less like a bakery and more like a small castle. A castle made out of pastries. The pastries, of course, aren't real, but damned if they don't look that way.

Inside is a large room with several tables and a counter in the back. The counter has a glass side, showing off some of the baked goods you can purchase. Behind the counter is a large, intimidating steel door.

The Swiss looking chef storms into the bakery and through the steel dor. With a loud clank, the door locks. Miscellaneous sounds can be heard coming from inside.

[NecroPaladin]

((I'm beginning to consider a beautiful partnership with a certain chemist, Nevrmore...))

[Nevrmore]

((I shall consider it, but only if you make it worth my while.))

[The Geomancer]

((I wish you would make posts as awesome as this for Church of the Seed. OF COURSE I'M NOT BEING BITTER! *runs off crying*))

[NecroPaladin]

((Cupcakes that kill with deliciousness?

Multi-flavor flan grenades?

Anything marinated in happy juice?

The possibilities are endless.))

[Nevrmore]

((Geo, Sophie is kind of a key player in the Church right now...Without him we'd only be wasting space :o

Necro: I meant more like post IC in the thread, you!))

[NecroPaladin]

((Once Malleo's done with that Antidote to the Liquid Duty, he will!))

[Nevrmore]

((Fine))

Generic cackles emit from beyond the steel door.

[Shadow of the Sun]

((Muffins marinated with liquid happiness...I think you just created god, Necro.))

[The Geomancer]

((Ok...*sigh*))

[Rebonack]

"Why the hell are we in here again?" fumes Ruin. Apparently there's something he doesn't like about bakeries. It might be the fact that the scent of fresh bread makes people content. He's more of a misery sort of guy.

"Because I thought that I would be able to get Plot's attention if I came in here. I figured he would want to know we're going on that quest of his."

"You mean the one where I get freed and reduce the planet's surface to boiling glass?"

"Yeah. That one."

"Hot damn! What are we waiting for?"

"Plot, obviously."

[Nevrmore]

"Oh my, I do believe I have the vapors."

Plot fizzles into existence behind Maph'tey.

[Rebonack]

Maph'tey turns around, face to not-face with the incarnation of Plot who, the Traveler is quite convinced, is actually the god of adventuring or something.

Honestly. What would the difference be?

"I wanted to inform you that I'm going on that 'splitting me apart' quest. Before I go out and do something amazingly stupid I just wanted to make sure that you have some kind of Plot lined up to keep Ruin from glassing everything."

"Aaawww... That makes the whole adventure pointless though!" the icy wing protests.

[Nevrmore]

Plot grins widely. Of course, given the fact that he has no mouth, this is quite disturbing. "Yes yes, railroad and all that. And of course, if you're still skeptical, if by some miracle some loophole is found, I'm Plot. I'll just use my awesome powers to fix it."

[Lord Magtok]

A small robot stops outside the bakery, and adds the location to Magtok's database of important places. It also pauses to wonder what aCastaras the foodomancer might do if she finds out about this possible culinary competitor.

[Rebonack]

"Wonderful," Maph'tey replies, still sounding quite skeptical. Incidentally, the whole faceless grinning thing does manage to warrant a second look. Just one of those things...

"I'm going to have to practice that..."

"I should probably round up an intrepid crew of adventurers for the thing," the Traveler continues. "And some biscuits. You can't have an adventure without biscuits."

[The Geomancer]

((I have a character or two who would love to be intrepid explorers! Pweez))

[Nevrmore]

There is a thunderous crack as the large steel door suddenly swings open with enough force to slam into the wall adjacent. The plump Swiss baker steps out, looking almost insane.

"Did SoMeONe SAy BisCUiTs?!"

[Rebonack]

Maph'tey glances back and forth, uncertain now if buying pasteries from this place is a good idea.

"Eerr... Yes. I needed some travel rations. You can't have an Adventure without rock hard biscuits."

[Nevrmore]

The baker's eye twitches visibly.

"ROcK-HARd?!?! ROCK-HARD?!?!?! MY BiSCUiTssss aRe the BEst BIscuits in ALL ThE LANd BaR nonE!!!!"

Plot coughs and disappears.

[Rebonack]

"Well, I'm sure they are," Maph'tey responds quickly. "But, see, I'm specifically requesting hard biscuits. It's an adventuring tradition."

[Nevrmore]

The Baker's cheeks become quite rosy.

"FIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNEEEEE!!!!!!!!" He booms. Conveniently, a jar labelled "Month-Old Biscuits" falls from the shelf above due to the vibrations and onto the counter. He opens it up.

"That will be 137 4/5 gold. Each." He comments, his voice much more calm.

[Rebonack]

"Wow... that much? Huh... I guess gold must really be depreciating due to all the people in Town that keep creating heaps of it..." Maph'tey fumbles around in his satchel for a bit before pulling out a pouch containing exact change. "I'll take the whole jar."

[Nevrmore]

The Baker grabs the pouch and looks inside for about half a second and looks up.

"This is not enough." He says. How he even managed that Rainman act right there is unknown.

[Rebonack]

"Really?" Maph'tey looks down at the bag rather sheepishly. "How much more do you need?"

[Nevrmore]

"This bag contains 137 4/5 coins for each biscuit. They cost 213 5/9 coins."

[Rebonack]

Maph'tey blinks, quite certain that the price was just increased on the fly.

"I don't have time for this..." he turns around and leaves the bakery. And the money.

[Nevrmore]

The jar of biscuits flies out after him. Right before they peg him in the head, however, they arc right over it and land safely in his hands.

[Exachix]

A Man garbed in black enters, looks around, before leaving again.

[Nevrmore]

The Baker retreats back into the sealed-off room. Soon enough, loud sounds are emitting from it once again.

[Castaras]

(( A bakery?!

COMPETITOR! :smallbiggrin:

Angry pieomancer coming, beware...:smallamused: ))

[Nevrmore]

((You should definitely be the one bewaring, Castaras. For The Mad Baker is off his rocker, mwahahaha!))

[Castaras]

(( Who said that my character was completely sane? :smallamused: ))

aCastaras appears at the entrance of the small castle, hmming. She summons a large, pulsating mass of dough in one hand, and looks around for any signs of life outside.

[Nevrmore]

Currently, the front and outside of the bakery are empty. Sounds of life can be heard at the back, through the steel door, however.

[Castaras]

aCast walks into the bakery, and if unhindered heads to the back of the bakery.

[Nevrmore]

The intimidating steel door separating the two halves of the bakery is locked.

[Castaras]

aCastaras hmms, taking a small mirror from a pouch. She tries to discern whether there were any magical protections stopping someone from teleporting in.

[Nevrmore]

There are several seeming randomly placed runes around the room inside that are rigged to explode if there is too high of an influx of magic, say by teleporting.

aCastaras might or might not notice the abrupt silence from the other side of the door.

[Castaras]

aCast hmms, scrying on what is behind the door.

[Nevrmore]

The door suddenly swings open violently, landing with a thunderous crack against the wall as The Mad Baker jumps out, a large missile-launcher-looking weapon leaning off his shoulder, aimed at aCast.

"WHaT Are YOU DOiNg HeRe, StARFiSh?!?!"

[Castaras]

aCastaras looks up from her mirror, slightly startled. She quickly regains her composure and smiles.

Why, I'm merely here to investigate the claims that another foodomancer was in town.

The dough she's holding in one hand falls to the floor, slurping and pulsating horribly.

[Nevrmore]

The Mad Baker's eye twitches horribly.

"LIES! YoU ARe FROm the DePArTMEnT, ARen'T YOu?!"

[Castaras]

Department? What department would this be?

The dough beside her slowly shifts, getting larger.

[Nevrmore]

"DON'T PLAY WITH ME!!!" The Mad Baker yells, "ThE BOx-FLAtTeninG DEPaRTMent!!!"

[Castaras]

Box flattening...

She smirks, giving him a look that says "Gods, you're freaking nuts."

Can't say I've heard of them.

[NecroPaladin]

A certain chemist giggles as he enters. Finally, a like-minded citizen...

Of course, this thought is rather absent as he hefts the flan-grenade-laden gattling gun over his shoulder.

"FLAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

[Nevrmore]

The Mad Baker growls.

"LIES!" He screams again. He doesn't seem to notice the Mad Chemist, "THe BoX-FLATTENINg DePARtMenT IS AnGrY BeCAUsE i DON't FLAtteN My boxeS WHeN I THRow theM AwAY! ADMIT IT!!"

[NecroPaladin]

Opting instead for a little experiment, Malleo quietly edges over to out of the Baker's view, laying his machine gun down.

He carefully aims his prosthetic arm, filled with happy juice bullets, at the Baker...

[Castaras]

aCast shrugs, smirking.

Whatever makes you happy old man.

She guestures to the dough, making it arch into a large, swamp like creature. Only made from unbaked dough.

[Nevrmore]

The happy juice bullets sail directly into The Mad Baker's mouth. He doesn't seem to notice as he shoots the large cannon on his shoulder which, instead of missiles, actually fires small gingerbread representatrions of famous Archdukes.

[NecroPaladin]

Malleo sits down to watch the spectacle.

"Oh man, I LOVE this guy..."

He looks at a passing Archduke.

"Hey, was that Ferdinand? Nice touch with the hole through his head."

[Castaras]

aCastaras moves out of the way of the gingerbread creatures, waving a hand at the dough. It shimmers, a group of 5 elite animate piemen, standing 6 feet tall, armed to the teeth, appear around her. She smirks, deep blue magic shimmering around her hands.

(( And it is at this that I must leave for the night. ))

[Lord Magtok]

Malleo sits down to watch the spectacle.

"Oh man, I LOVE this guy..."

He looks at a passing Archduke.

"Hey, was that Ferdinand? Nice touch with the hole through his head."

((I just happen to be in this time period in history class right now, and I seem to remember old Ferdinand being shot in the chest, not the head. I have no idea why I'd remember something so unimportant.))

[McBish]

((Must resist urge to make Chef Brian character. Must resist. Ok maybe some other time.))

[NecroPaladin]

((I just happen to be in this time period in history class right now, and I seem to remember old Ferdinand being shot in the chest, not the head. I have no idea why I'd remember something so unimportant.))

((He was shot in the chest, it's only that the muffiny famous likenesses are head only))

[Rebonack]

A wizened old man wearing a kick-ass skullcap walks into the bakery and raps his staff on the floor several times to get the store's proprietor's attention.

[Nevrmore]

The Mad Baker shoots a suspicious eye at the man, keeping the other on the foodamancer. Considering they are on opposite sides of the room, this gives him a very strange look on his face.

[Wukei]

A shadow creature with glowing red eyes wanders in. Do you sell pumpkin empanadas?

(I would love a pumpkin empanada...unfortunately, here in lubbock, there are no good panaderias.)

[Nevrmore]

The Mad Baker eyes the shadow as well as the other two patrons in the shop. Okay, that's really weird.

"I. SeLl. EVERYTHING." The Mad Baker assures.

[Wukei]

Very well. My mistress would like a dozen of your pumpkin empanadas. Please. It grins as it hisses the last word, but it doesn't seem to have teeth to grin with.

[Nevrmore]

The Mad Baker takes a glance at aCast before throwing his Archduke Cannon over his shoulder. Taking off his ridiculously large baker's hat, he sets it on the counter and removes it again, leaving twelve pumpkin empanades stacked neatly on the table.

"That will be 72 Gold, please." The Baker says, smiling sweetly/

[Wukei]

The shadow provides ten platinum. She sends her thanks.

[Nevrmore]

The Mad Baker collects the platinum and shoves it into a dog's mouth who has been chained up to the counter the whole time.

[NecroPaladin]

Malleo claps, clearly impressed.

"What would you say to the possibility that I could cram your pastries into an expanding bullet that would be shot directly into the mouth?"

He grins and hefts his gattling again.

"Because I was thinking about that for some reason."

[Nevrmore]

The Mad Baker's head slowly shifts to stare at Malleo, the motion producing a loud creaking noise like...Like sitting in the warm summer air in your favorite rocking chair. Like putting on your favorite sweater and snuggling up beside your sweetheart. Like watching the dogs playfully wrestle out in the cornfield.

Sorry, what?

"Whhhhhoooooooooooo ArEE YOUUuuu?" The Baker asks through chattering teeeth.

[NecroPaladin]

Malleo, not about to be outdone, pops a happy flask, backhands the baker across the face as some sort of strange sign of affection, and then shakes his hand.

"A kindred spirit, my good sir, a kindred spirit. Hahahooheeheeho!"

When he giggles, his hair turns a little pinker, if that's possible.

[Nevrmore]

The Mad Baker's eyes flare and his curly mustache stretches out as straight as a board.

"I KnoW nO KinDReDs!"

[NecroPaladin]

"And I dread my known kin! A coincidence? I think NOT!"

As if to accentuate, Malleo shoots a flan grenade into the ceiling for no apparent reason.

He pauses briefly, dusts himself off, and awkwardly puts a hand up to cough into it for a second. He smacks his lips once, twice, looks around, clears his throat, stutters, clears his throat again, takes a deep breath,

And screams, "TWO NOTS!"

Before shooting another flan grenade into the ceiling. He now has two precarious-looking blue cubes sticking to the ceiling directly over his head.

[Rebonack]

"I," begins the wizened old man in a rather important sounding tone. Everything about his voice lends credence to the fact that what he is about to say should be taken with the utmost seriousness. The fate of the entire omni-verse could hang in the balance. "Require that vanilla cream pie."

To make it certain which pie he's referring to his points the end of his staff at it.

[Nevrmore]

"YOU HAVE DAMAGED MY PROPERTY!!!" The Mad Baker shouts. He flings six ducks held together at the neck by those plastic soda-can things at Malleo before turning to Prancibald. "I'm terribly sorry, but that pie is not for sale."

[NecroPaladin]

As the ducks fly at Malleo, both cubes drop simultaneously from the ceiling. Malleo is left suspended in one flan, and the ducks in another. Slowly but surely, Malleo begins to eat his way out, making *glorph*ing sounds.

[Rebonack]

"I see..." responds The Wizard Who Did It, stroking his wispy beard in a very sagely sort of fashion. "I which case I will have to not-purchase that vanilla cream pie. I'm willing to pay with only the finest not-currency"

Prancibald eyes the ducks for a moment before waving a hand at the fowl, transforming the lot of them into an endangered species of grebe. There is obviously some vastly important reason for him to do this, but the fashion in which it will effect the world around him is far too ineffable for mortals to comprehend.

[Nevrmore]

The Mad Baker hops onto the counter (How he managed to do this with his round physique is a mystery) and points a menacing finger at Prancibald.

"DOn't PlAy your GAMeS With ME, EcLAir! You WILL Pay in the foRM of PaGES FrOM A YOung Girl's perSonal DIARY or you WOn't pay AT ALL!!!"

((The random caps-lock thing is more taxing than you'd think))

[Rebonack]

The wizened old man shrugs and pulls out a small book with a lock fastening it shut. He then informs the Universe that he needs it open, which the Universe promptly complies by doing.

"How many pages will suffice?"

[Nevrmore]

"For a vanilla cream pie such as the one you are interested in, sir, I will have to quest at least 14 and a half. Of course, if you have any pages that deal with relationship issues, those will count for three." The Baker smiles.

[Rebonack]

Prancibald nods and thumbs through the book for a few moments before extracting thirteen pages from the diary.

"I can't seem to recall what the exchange rate from diary pages to white-wall is..."

[Nevrmore]

The Mad Baker waits patiently.

Too patiently. He seems like he is completely stuck in the pose he was last in. Even his moustache, slightly ruffled from an exhalation of breath, sits in the exact same pose.

[Rebonack]

Prancibald sets the pages down on the counter which, unless things have changed, the baker is still standing on.

"There, that should do. Now, my pie if you will be so kind."

[Nevrmore]

The Mad Baker picks up the papers and quickly glances through them. As he speed-reads each page he goes through a multitude of emotions from haughty laughter to tearful depression to starving indifference. As he goes through the finaly page, he slides over to the conspicuously placed pie, grabs it, moonwalks back, and hands it to Pranciblad.

"The secret ingredient of the day is Fugu."

[Rebonack]

"I wouldn't have purchased it if it where not," the wizard comments as he takes the pie and vanishes in a white poof of smoke.

The word 'POOF!!' is clearly visible in red letters within the cloud.

[Nevrmore]

THe word "POOF!" IS SUDDENLY CAUGHT INSIDE a cake box. The Mad Baker, shifty-eyed, takes the box and runs into the back room, locking the steal door behind him.

[NecroPaladin]

Eventually, Malleo finishes eating his way out of the flan. His hair is bright blue until he shakes his head, at which point it is pink again. He grins, and his rainbow teeth glint.

"Nice guy. Wouldn't want to live with him, though."

And, vowing to return, he walks out.

[Nevrmore]

All the noise emitting from the back room suddenly ceases. With a loud crack, the steel door flies open and Yhe Mad Baker stomps out.

"HOW COULD THIS HAAPPPPEEEEEEENNN!!!!!" He roars before exiting.

[Castaras]

aCast comes out of dead time and walks out of the bakery, hmming.

[Rebonack]

Nicholas shows up at the bakery, finding a bomb hidden inside a box just outside and begins to disarm it.

A few moments later Nick manages to disarm the last bomb ((there were several disarmed in the slums off screen)) and runs back to the streets.

[Nevrmore]

The Mad Baker enters his shop on a sled carried by seven mandrills. He hops off it, takes off his snow gear, and quickly enters into the steel door, locking it tightly as he does so.