PDA

View Full Version : Writing Short Story Ideas



AkazilliaDeNaro
2015-09-19, 03:58 PM
So, I occasionally have ideas pop into my head, so here are a few i have put to paper, so to speak.



A Bad Day
A tall, slender, blue skinned woman in a blue uniform, stood in front of a desk containing a large purple man, who seemed extremely upset.

“The Squad is closing in on him now, Sir.” Vice Commander of the ChronoGuard, Alai-Kaya, said to her superior, a man called Ghoro-Vashna.

“They, better catch him this time. We don’t need another Al-Omega on the loose, especially with what happened last time.” he spat.

Suddenly an alarm blared, and a red light flashed across the screen in front of them.

“What the hell just happened!” He shouted.

“Checking now, Sir.” Alai-Kaya replied, looking at her tablet in her hands. “He appears to have executed a TimeShift.”

“So! Tell the Squad to TimeShift after him!” He shouted.

“They can’t, Sir. They’re dead.” She said, her face completely composed, “He executed the TimeShift at the precise moment he set off a ZX-7 Eon Class Dreadbomb.”

“My God!” he said slumping back in his chair. ”How many casualties?”

“A ZX-7 Eon Class Dreadbomb, Is meant to destroy planets, Sir, all life that was on that world is gone.”

At this point a serviceman raised his hand. “Uhm, Vice Commander, you are missing something” he said uncertainly.

“Yes, what would that be?”

“He TimeShifted, while, the bomb was exploding, meaning the explosion probably has reached other planets, and time periods, as well.” he said, more confidently this time.

“Oh, that is a good point Serviceman. Anything else?”

“He probably died in the blast?” He said shrugging.

“Unlikely, Serviceman, Al-Omegas are supersoldiers, capable of withstanding multiple Supernovas. He’s alive.”

Commander Ghoro-Vashna sighed and looked at the ceiling, “This is not my day.”

A Song of Creation
Let me tell you a story, young one.
In the beginning, like all other beginnings, there was nothing. Then a song was played, a song of creation, a song to make all the nothingness into perfection, but knowing this a group of people sent back through time, a wave of force strong enough but subtle enough to alter a note, corrupting it, and in doing so create all the impurities in the universe, but the song could not work with the corrupted note so to fix itself, it cast out the note giving it shape and form and mass and thought, never to be seen or heard of again. You see young one the reason I tell you this is because you are that note, though you may not remember it, but I am here to help you remember and fix the universe to what it is suppose to be.


Endings and Beginnings
He stood there just staring at his hands, hands that had just previously annihilated a being so powerful and so terrifying that it had conquered several galaxies. and he had destroyed it with such ease, with hardly any effort at all. As he stood there, a strange thought popped into his head, “Why shouldn’t I rule. Why should I be king, or god?”

“John, we’re leaving, it's time to go.” Melina said to him.

He look over to the broken obsidian throne, “No.” he replied as he used his powers to reforge the throne.

“What?” she asked.

“You don’t understand, you never understood. Did you think that just because you found me, that I would work for you forever? I just killed the biggest evil this universe has ever seen, with hardly any effort. Did you really think that once he was gone everything would just be sunshine and rainbows? No, you should have known by now, even on my planet, once the greatest evil is destroyed another rises up to take its place, stronger than before. So here I am taking my rightful place as ruler.” He said as he sat down on the now repaired throne.

“But, John, you-”

“NO! That is not my name anymore. My name... is... Deus Rex.”

Temporal Judgement
"The willful alteration of the chrono-temporal flow is a second level crime against reality, a violation of the fourth law of magic, and is specifically outlawed in the alpha codex. Yet you willingly went against the laws set down by the Forerunners, and attempted to change both the past and the future. What say you in your defense?"

“I did what was necessary, for the continued survival of my species. I make no attempt to deny my actions, if put in the position i would gladly take the same measures, albeit with less hesitation. So, you make your judgments. My conscience is clear.”


Temptation Denied
A voice called out, “What do you desire, mortal? Power? Wealth? Knowledge? Status? I can give it to you, for a pri-”

I interrupted and responded, “You try to tempt me, in an attempt to make me let you into my Soul, and in exchange you would give me power, but the amount of power you could give me is not the amount that I want, it’s not even close. Maybe if you and 107 of your buddies came together you might measure up to a fraction, but you can’t. The amount of power I want is enough to reshape WORLDS, to crush GODS. But that amount of power is beyond your ability to comprehend, much less give. So thanks, but no thanks, I’ll find it on my own.”

The Test

“Sir.”

Hmm, a voice, someone is speaking.

Gender? Male.

Age? Between 25 and 28.

Race? Unknown, insufficient data

Language? Descendant of Middle English, most likely a North American variation.

Location? Acquiring data.

Sounds: Beeping. Indistinct voices. Squeaking shoes.

Smells: Disinfectant.

Feelings: Laying on a cushioned surface. Slight pressure in my wrist. Wearing strange clothing.

Conclusion? Hospital room, hooked up to heart monitor, on I.V. drip.

Threat Level? Green: Safe.

Opening eyes slowly.

Examine surroundings. Standard hospital arrangements.

Man sitting on a stool. Must be the speaker.

Examine speaker.

Race? Caucasian. Irish-German descent.

Age? 28.

Name? Badge says, Paul Rauthbauer, RN.

He has noticed my eyes are open.

“Oh, good, you are awake.”

Language? American English.

Accent? Moderate German. English is not his first language.

“Sir, do you know what day of the week it is?”

Standard question to check my mental faculties. Made useless by him having a digital calendar on his watch.

Calendar reads: Mon. 7/23/13 5:34PM, easily read as Monday, September, 23, 2013. Calendar setup confirms I’m in America.

Respond with correct date, and comment on watch.

Unable to move mouth. Problematic.

Attempt to move fingers.

Movement capabilities confirmed..

Attempt to move hands.

Movement capabilities confirmed.

Point to mouth.

Movement successful.

“Ah, you cannot speak? Das is gut. Yes. Now you will not be able to scream.”

Assess intent.

Verbal indication to do bodily harm.

Reassess threat level.

Threat level? Red: Danger to physical form.

Request access to weaponry? Access granted.

Generate arm cannon.

Arm cannon generated.

Initiate non-verbal warning toward threat.

Arm cannon leveled at threat.

Activate auto-repair sequence on speech functions.

Speech function Auto-repair started.

Rise from lying position.

Rising.

Stand on floor opposite threat.

Leaving bed via sliding.

Speech function auto-repair finished.

Load arm cannon with a thermal tracer and a stun round.

Arm cannon loaded.

Tag threat with thermal tracer.

Threat tagged.

Stun threat.

Threat stunned.

Activate Shielding.

Shielding activated.

Leave room via window.

Jumping through window.

Falling, ground impact in 3 seconds.

Brace shielding for impact.

Impacted.

Systems check? All green.

Generate locator beacon.

Locator beacon generated.

Call transport.

Transport arrival in 7 minutes and 42 seconds.

Activate camouflage.

Camouflage activated.

Hide.

Hidden.

Wait.

Waiting.

Enter surveillance mode.

Entered.

Transport arrived.

Board transport via Jump.

Boarded.

Leave world.

Leaving.

Simulation end.

Allotted time. 9 minutes, 21 seconds, 14 milliseconds.

“Yes! New record”

Grade assessment.

Delayed threat analysis. -3 points

Destruction of Property. -12 points

Waste of resources. -17 points.

Grade: 68% D

“Aww, man.”

“Better luck next year.”

“Easy, for you to say, you passed.”

Madness

“You know we can’t let you do this Zether” A man said. He was wearing a strange outfit. It was, at one point, a suit, but it was torn in over a dozen places and had several different colors of paint splattered on it. The man’s face was strange as well. It was covered in a strange design. It looked like something approaching a black and white spiral that had been pixilated and spattered with random splotches of color.

“And you know that you can’t defeat me, James.” the man addressed as Zether said. He was wearing a more reasonable ensemble. It was a full suit of metal plate armor and a sword at his hip. The armors chest piece was emblazoned with a lion raised up on its hind legs attacking a Sun.

“Saichen.” James says, turning toward the girl next to him. She was wearing an immaculate white Kimono robe. The long sleeves flowing despite the lack of wind.

“I probably won’t see you after this, but I want to give you something,” he says taking the key off his necklace. ”It’s a key to a box in my room, take it and go.”

“What are you talking about? We can beat him!” Saichen says.

“No, ‘we’ can’t. Trust me.” he says turning back toward Zether, and raising his hand to just beneath his face.

“True, I can’t beat you.” James says, laying an almost imperceptible stress on the word ‘I’, “But I am not the only one who inhabits this body. ” he says sliding his hand vertically across his face.

Almost immediately, he starts laughing, a high-pitched warbling cackle.
“He let me out! The seal is broken!” He says in a fluctuating, high-pitched voice.

“I don’t know what game you're playing but it's not going to work, James, you have never beaten me before-” Zether starts saying but is cut off before he can finish.

“James? Oh, he would choose an unassuming name like that.” He looked up, “James isn't here right now, in fact, he won't ever be here again.”

“If you aren’t James anymore, then who are you.“ Zether asks mildly surprised.

“Oh I have oh so many names; Chaos, Doombringer, Asylum, Brother Madness, The End, Anti-Life, Apocrypha… you get my point. But I guess this time I will go with something a bit less orderly. You may call me, Khyrak. Well, for as long as you have left anyway.”

“Khyrak, James, it makes no difference, you still are no match for me.” Zether said, nonchalantly.

“Oh, is that so?” Khyrak says placing his of his hand on his chin. “Well, then I guess there is nothing to it.” He continues, just before snapping his own neck. His body goes limp, but does not fall, his arms dangling loosely from his shoulders.

He starts to fall forward, but before he could hit the ground he lunges at Zether. His lunge turns into a spin by rotating his body. His arms are forced outward by the force.

Zether barely manages to get his sword up to block in time. Sparks fly from the contact between his sword and Khyrak’s hands. Khyrak reverses rotation and for a second you can see the skin of his hands is covered with the same swirling pattern as his face.

As Zether goes to block, Khyrak’s foot sweeps across the floor tripping him. Zether begins to fall but catches himself by planting his sword in the ground. Wings of fire erupt from Zether’s back as he gets back up.

“Well this is certainly new. I haven't had to use Seraph’s wings before, but regardless this ends here.” Zether says as he begins to fly upward, the fire from his wings growing.

“Sanctus Infernus!” He shouts as fire bursts from his sword and envelopes Khyrak, boiling the ground.

“Oh, isn’t this just adorable. Seeing as you use a magic insulator I shall do the same.” Khyrack says unphased by the flames.

“Gravitatis Veritatum.”

Suddenly, Zether is slammed against the ground at an incredible speed. The flames surrounding Khyrak dissipate, revealing him standing in a perfectly untouched circle surrounded by molten rock.

Zether tries to get up but is slammed against the ground by an unseen force.

“Well that was fun, but time to end this little game. Any last words? Oh, that’s right you have a couple thousand G forces on you right now. That’s unfortunate. Well, buh-bye!” He mocks.

Khyrak snaps his fingers and Zether’s body vanishes.

“Huh. Well what to do now? Actually, where am I?” Khyrak says looking around. Since the battle is over he finally notices the condition his suit is in.

“Okay, first things first: Find a tailor.”


Level Up

“Then who called this meeting?” An italian crime boss asked the others in the dark warehouse.

“I did.” A man said, as he entered the room. He looked about 16 and was wearing a pair of baggy cargo pants, and an oversized red hoodie. To his left and right were two men in black suits, both carrying large silver cases.

“And who the hell are you?” One of the colombian leaders said as the guards all pulled weapons on the newcomer.

“I am known as ‘Skill Tree’, but that is unimportant, whereas, what I have to offer, is. And can you put down your guns, I wouldn’t want you getting hurt.” He said, casually.

“Arrogant little ****, Sergio, teach this brat some manners.” One of the Italians said.

“Wait!” One of the other Italians said, “Kid’s got enough know how, resources, and balls to pull a meeting between all of us. Maybe we should hear him out?”

“I agree.” One of the chinese says.

“Fair enough. But if it doesn’t pan out kid, you will be in a world of hurt.” The first italian said.

“Oh-kay, down to business then.” Skill tree said, sitting down at the table, “I have in my possession, a compound, that when injecting into the bloodstream, activates the latent connection to Yggdrasil, inside the human body, and manifests it for 24 hours.”

“What?” Most of the members present said.

“I have a drug that gives you superpowers for a limited time.” Skill tree explained.

“Bollocks” One of the Irish members said.

“I figured you wouldn’t believe me, so I came prepared to give a demonstration.” He said pulling out a cell phone and pressing a button. After a few seconds a third man in a suit came in dragging another man behind him. The man was shriveled, half dead, and constantly mumbling.

“Now, most of you are probably feeling, a mixture of disgust, pity, and possibly sadness, towards #713 here. But just watch and see what happens next.” Skill Tree said, before he pulled out a vial, and an injector gun, from his pockets.

He held up the vial and said, “One dose of the drug I designed, I call it ‘Level-Up’.” He placed the vial in the injector gun and used it on the half dead person, who immediately started to recover.

Color return to his skin, and his body started to regain its shape as his atrophied muscles started to grow back. He stood up, now that his body could support his weight. His body had returned to average fitness, and continued to grow more muscle, until he was at peak human condition.

“But wait there’s more!” Skill Tree said, holding his hand toward the third guard, who then handed him a combat knife. “#713 isn’t just at peak physical condition.,” Skill tree said slashing out #713’s throat with the combat knife, “He also has a regenerative healing factor.” He continued as #713 got up off the ground and his throat healed.

“So what do you think of #713 now?” Skill tree asked

“Madre de Dios!” One of the colombians said.

“Yeah, I figured as much. But this power doesn't come without a cost. The powers granted by the first dose of Level-Up only last for 24 hours, while withdrawal symptoms occur only a few hours after it wearing off. The drug is highly addictive, both psychologically and physically, and the user builds up a tolerance fast. Most people can only handle six or seven uses before it stops working on them.” Skill tree explained.

“And you want… what? To sell it to us?” One of the Italians asked.

“Ideally? Yes.” Skill Tree said calmly.

“How much you want?” One of the Russians asked.

“Well, considering what you can do with this, I’d say… 10 million US dollars for a case of 13 doses.” Skill tree said with a smile.

One of the Irish leaders started laughing, “Well you have some solid brass balls on you to demand that much. How ‘bout a counter offer lad, you leave the cases here and we give you, hmm… 10 grand for the laugh.”

“Oh, Wow, you guys really have no imagination. Let me spell this out for you. Say you give this drug to one of you goons and he gets super speed. Suddenly you have a thief that could rob all the banks in Paris in under 2 hours. Boom, just made half your money back with one dose. Or what if you give it to another goon and he gains Super Strength, boom great enforcer. I mean come on the possibilities are endless! It’s a steal for 12 million!” Skill Tree said

“12 million? Earlier you said 10 million” one of the columbians said.

“Yeah, that was before you insulted my intelligence.”

“Okay, kid.” One of the italians said, “How about you give us the doses before you get hurt.”

“Oh, Did you just threaten me? I should probably have mentioned this earlier, but, whatever.” Skill Tree said as he sat at the table making a steeple with his hands.

“You see, when I designed this drug, I designed it for myself, to give me superpowers. It wasn’t until later that I realized it worked on others. Any time I take a dose of this drug i get A different super power. Permanently. With no side effects. So far I have taken upwards of 200 doses. That’s almost 200 separate powers.” Skill Tree explained.

“Now, with all that in mind, do you really think you are in a position to threaten me?” He asked.

“Yeah, I didn’t think so. But, back to the matter at hand, 12 million for 13 doses. Take it or leave it.” he said at their blank faces.

“H-how many cases do you have?” One of the Colombians asked.

“On me? Just the 2, but I have about 30 cases back at the lab. First come, first serve, as it were. But, after tonight there will be plenty to go around.” he said.

After a minute of silence, he said, “What no one wants to take the first leap? Ah , oh well, here’s my card incase anyone wants to buy later.” he said throwing a stack of business cards onto the table, before he walked out, his guards following him.

Iconic Phrasing

It’s funny how iconic a single phrase can become, if said at the right time.

“You will not escape me again, Simurgh! For you are in God’s Domain now!”

Well, then again maybe its the events that transpire around the phrase, that cause it to become so iconic.

An angelic figure speeds by, her asymmetrical wings damaged, her alabaster skin leaking white blood from her 15 foot form. She flies with abandon, yeah easily evades any and all attacks and obstacles as if she can see them coming. When she finally stops flying it’s only to float in place, while parts of the surrounding float up to protect her.

Another figure arrived, flying across the shattered battlefield that is Canberra, Australia. His deep blue cloak rippling in the wind, concealing the white body suit beneath. He raises his arms to be horizontal from his sides with his palms up, and tilts his head back.

Or maybe it is a combination of both, timing and events, that cause memorability.

“QUID LAVA QUOST EST SODOM!”

As he shouted the phrase that would become questioned the word over, lightning struck his body from all angles, pulsating on each word.

After the light show was over, showing him unharmed, he thrust his hands forward in a grasping motion toward the angelic woman.

The angelic figure was suddenly assailed by an invisible force, tearing at her body, shredding her wings, slicing her flesh and funneling away her blood. It continued to rip, tear, and slice, until all that was left was a perfect sphere of dark material, about a foot across, which was shattered like so much glass.

The silence that followed lasted several minutes, until the first cheer which was taken up by all those present.

After all, The Simurgh, The Hopekiller, The Third Endbringer, was no more.

Well that's all I have so far.
So, tell me what you guys think.

Thanqol
2015-09-21, 10:46 PM
I'm busy so I'm gonna be pretty brief.

1. A tall, slender, blue skinned woman in a blue uniform, stood in front of a desk containing a large purple man, who seemed extremely upset.

This is weak. It's a run on sentence of physical descriptions with like six commas. The way it's structured sucks all the fun and joy out of what could be an interesting situation. It's way too long.

Compare with this:

The purple midget was screaming at the blue supermodel.

Same thing, 1/3 the words, so much more exciting!

2. Then a song was played, a song of creation, a song to make all the nothingness into perfection, but knowing this a group of people sent back through time, a wave of force strong enough but subtle enough to alter a note, corrupting it, and in doing so create all the impurities in the universe, but the song could not work with the corrupted note so to fix itself, it cast out the note giving it shape and form and mass and thought, never to be seen or heard of again.

holy run on sentence batman

Each sentence should be ONE THING. Short and punchy. Like a punch in the face. This is just a nightmare, it goes on and on, where do you breathe? The full stop is a handy little symbol that says 'it's okay to stop and take a breath now'.

I'm not even sure how I'd rewrite it because the story seems to say, 'there was a thing, and then some time travellers made a bad thing, so then the good thing got rid of the bad thing forever, the end'.

EDIT: Once upon a time things WERE GREAT but then some guy SCREWED UP and now THINGS SUCK :smallwink:

3. I interrupted and responded, “You try to tempt me, in an attempt to make me let you into my Soul, and in exchange you would give me power, but the amount of power you could give me is not the amount that I want, it’s not even close. Maybe if you and 107 of your buddies came together you might measure up to a fraction, but you can’t. The amount of power I want is enough to reshape WORLDS, to crush GODS. But that amount of power is beyond your ability to comprehend, much less give. So thanks, but no thanks, I’ll find it on my own.”

So the simple trick behind effective writing is to say everything out loud. If it sounds stilted and unnatural then the writing is bad and you should re-do it to sound more like a thing someone would actually say. This, again, is a rambling series of run on sentences desperately in need of some full stops.

The punchy rewrite is, "You couldn't afford me."

AkazilliaDeNaro
2015-09-22, 01:17 PM
I'm busy so I'm gonna be pretty brief.

1. A tall, slender, blue skinned woman in a blue uniform, stood in front of a desk containing a large purple man, who seemed extremely upset.

This is weak. It's a run on sentence of physical descriptions with like six commas. The way it's structured sucks all the fun and joy out of what could be an interesting situation. It's way too long.

Compare with this:

The purple midget was screaming at the blue supermodel.

Same thing, 1/3 the words, so much more exciting!

But, its non descriptive. I can cut it down to two sentences

A tall, slender, blue skinned woman in a blue uniform, stood in front of a desk. The desk containing a large purple man, who seemed extremely upset.


2. Then a song was played, a song of creation, a song to make all the nothingness into perfection, but knowing this a group of people sent back through time, a wave of force strong enough but subtle enough to alter a note, corrupting it, and in doing so create all the impurities in the universe, but the song could not work with the corrupted note so to fix itself, it cast out the note giving it shape and form and mass and thought, never to be seen or heard of again.

holy run on sentence batman

Each sentence should be ONE THING. Short and punchy. Like a punch in the face. This is just a nightmare, it goes on and on, where do you breathe? The full stop is a handy little symbol that says 'it's okay to stop and take a breath now'.

I'm not even sure how I'd rewrite it because the story seems to say, 'there was a thing, and then some time travellers made a bad thing, so then the good thing got rid of the bad thing forever, the end'.

EDIT: Once upon a time things WERE GREAT but then some guy SCREWED UP and now THINGS SUCK :smallwink:


When you chop it down like that, it changes it from "a Short story" to "a barely passing sentence".


3. I interrupted and responded, “You try to tempt me, in an attempt to make me let you into my Soul, and in exchange you would give me power, but the amount of power you could give me is not the amount that I want, it’s not even close. Maybe if you and 107 of your buddies came together you might measure up to a fraction, but you can’t. The amount of power I want is enough to reshape WORLDS, to crush GODS. But that amount of power is beyond your ability to comprehend, much less give. So thanks, but no thanks, I’ll find it on my own.”

So the simple trick behind effective writing is to say everything out loud. If it sounds stilted and unnatural then the writing is bad and you should re-do it to sound more like a thing someone would actually say. This, again, is a rambling series of run on sentences desperately in need of some full stops.

The punchy rewrite is, "You couldn't afford me."

The point was to showcase how much he "couldn't afford".

All of my writing I say aloud before writing it. Are you trying to tell me that I'm insane? You would be right. But that's hardly the point.

Also I added a few more short stories.

Lethologica
2015-09-22, 03:56 PM
Bookmarking. I'll get back to you on this.

Grinner
2015-09-22, 05:20 PM
All of my writing I say aloud before writing it. Are you trying to tell me that I'm insane? You would be right. But that's hardly the point.

You're not insane, but your writing needs work.

Quoth TVTropes:

There are times within the life of any teller of tales (not including Film Noir) in which they are faced with a situation not most dire but not far removed: the writing, while not lacking in such delightful virtues as a sturdy coherent plot or rich characterization, is supremely dry and uninteresting to read.

In response, the writer chooses to indulge in the writing technique known to gentlefolk as Purple Prose, wherein the writing becomes much more florid, eschewing quotidian sentences for elaborate concatenation of phrases and clauses. On occasion, such racks of ornament can be despicable, with the scintillating adjectives bewildering the reader and obfuscating the subject.note In the worst case scenario, such prose will reduce readers to skim-reading for fear of trudging through pages and pages of mundane description slowly and painfully, just as violet-tinted patches on a garment incompatibly hued are agonizing for a human being's photon detectors.

These stories are excessively verbose for what they're saying. In writing, as with many other things, less is more. In this case, less description would only benefit your writing.

If I sound overly critical, I would prefer that you not take it personally. If you're to improve as a writer, these things need to be said.

Lethologica
2015-09-22, 08:45 PM
Okay, I have time now. Be advised that I don't pull punches.



A Bad Day
A tall, slender, blue skinned woman in a blue uniform, stood in front of a desk containing a large purple man, who seemed extremely upset.

“The Squad is closing in on him now, Sir.” Vice Commander of the ChronoGuard, Alai-Kaya, said to her superior, a man called Ghoro-Vashna.

“They, better catch him this time. We don’t need another Al-Omega on the loose, especially with what happened last time.” he spat.

Suddenly an alarm blared, and a red light flashed across the screen in front of them.

“What the hell just happened!” He shouted.

“Checking now, Sir.” Alai-Kaya replied, looking at her tablet in her hands. “He appears to have executed a TimeShift.”

“So! Tell the Squad to TimeShift after him!” He shouted.

“They can’t, Sir. They’re dead.” She said, her face completely composed, “He executed the TimeShift at the precise moment he set off a ZX-7 Eon Class Dreadbomb.”

“My God!” he said slumping back in his chair. ”How many casualties?”

“A ZX-7 Eon Class Dreadbomb, Is meant to destroy planets, Sir, all life that was on that world is gone.”

At this point a serviceman raised his hand. “Uhm, Vice Commander, you are missing something” he said uncertainly.

“Yes, what would that be?”

“He TimeShifted, while, the bomb was exploding, meaning the explosion probably has reached other planets, and time periods, as well.” he said, more confidently this time.

“Oh, that is a good point Serviceman. Anything else?”

“He probably died in the blast?” He said shrugging.

“Unlikely, Serviceman, Al-Omegas are supersoldiers, capable of withstanding multiple Supernovas. He’s alive.”

Commander Ghoro-Vashna sighed and looked at the ceiling, “This is not my day.”
You've imagined a really cool scene where an escaped supersoldier blows himself and several planets up to escape the grasp of a badass interstellar police force at the climax of a chase scene IN SPACE and now the police force has to deal with the aftermath. Kudos.

But I'm not sure why we're listening to two--no, three (where did the serviceman appear from?)--people in an office/conference room/thing tell us that this really cool scene happened, instead of watching the really cool scene.

Getting time travel involved raises about a billion questions, and it didn't do anything for the plot that regular old teleportation wouldn't.

There's very little descriptive or narrative setup in this scene. It's almost all dialogue, and the dialogue is almost all jargon/explanation of jargon.

The reactions of the characters don't really match the events they're reacting to. Revelation that the Dreadbomb blast might have destroyed even more than previously thought? "Oh, that's a good point." The commander's overall reaction to the enormity of this disaster? "This is not my day." It's not jocular enough to be funny, and it's not serious enough to be dramatic.

Mind your Periods and Qommas.



A Song of Creation
Let me tell you a story, young one.
In the beginning, like all other beginnings, there was nothing. Then a song was played, a song of creation, a song to make all the nothingness into perfection, but knowing this a group of people sent back through time, a wave of force strong enough but subtle enough to alter a note, corrupting it, and in doing so create all the impurities in the universe, but the song could not work with the corrupted note so to fix itself, it cast out the note giving it shape and form and mass and thought, never to be seen or heard of again. You see young one the reason I tell you this is because you are that note, though you may not remember it, but I am here to help you remember and fix the universe to what it is suppose to be.

Most beginnings don't start with nothing.

The group of people who corrupt the song don't appear to have a motive.

The song appears to have fixed itself and I'm not sure why it needs to be fixed again.

I'm not sure where this conversation is taking place, since it's not in the universe.

Ultimately, it's just really hard to do the 'song of creation' without feeling inadequate next to Tolkien.



Endings and Beginnings
He stood there just staring at his hands, hands that had just previously annihilated a being so powerful and so terrifying that it had conquered several galaxies. and he had destroyed it with such ease, with hardly any effort at all. As he stood there, a strange thought popped into his head, “Why shouldn’t I rule. Why should I be king, or god?”

“John, we’re leaving, it's time to go.” Melina said to him.

He look over to the broken obsidian throne, “No.” he replied as he used his powers to reforge the throne.

“What?” she asked.

“You don’t understand, you never understood. Did you think that just because you found me, that I would work for you forever? I just killed the biggest evil this universe has ever seen, with hardly any effort. Did you really think that once he was gone everything would just be sunshine and rainbows? No, you should have known by now, even on my planet, once the greatest evil is destroyed another rises up to take its place, stronger than before. So here I am taking my rightful place as ruler.” He said as he sat down on the now repaired throne.

“But, John, you-”

“NO! That is not my name anymore. My name... is... Deus Rex.”
The heart of this scene is John's motive for deciding to replace the evil he just destroyed, but there isn't anything compelling about what he's saying. But if you're going for hilarity, the last line is cheesy enough to do it.



Temporal Judgement
"The willful alteration of the chrono-temporal flow is a second level crime against reality, a violation of the fourth law of magic, and is specifically outlawed in the alpha codex. Yet you willingly went against the laws set down by the Forerunners, and attempted to change both the past and the future. What say you in your defense?"

“I did what was necessary, for the continued survival of my species. I make no attempt to deny my actions, if put in the position i would gladly take the same measures, albeit with less hesitation. SO you make you judgments. My conscience is clear.”

A lawyer and a pompous-sounding jerk hero get a line each. There isn't much to say about this one.



Temptation Denied
A voice called out, “What do you desire, mortal? Power? Wealth? Knowledge? Status? I can give it to you, for a pri-”

I interrupted and responded, “You try to tempt me, in an attempt to make me let you into my Soul, and in exchange you would give me power, but the amount of power you could give me is not the amount that I want, it’s not even close. Maybe if you and 107 of your buddies came together you might measure up to a fraction, but you can’t. The amount of power I want is enough to reshape WORLDS, to crush GODS. But that amount of power is beyond your ability to comprehend, much less give. So thanks, but no thanks, I’ll find it on my own.”
The last three sentences are not bad. But stop repeating yourself--if you say "amount of power" one more time I might have to headbutt this monitor, and then where would I be? (Well, paying the library for a new monitor, that's where.) The first half is awkwardly phrased, and needs a lot of setup. Needing setup is fine, as long as you plan to provide it at some point.



The Test

“Sir.”

Hmm, a voice, someone is speaking.

Gender? Male.

Age? Between 25 and 28.

Race? Unknown, insufficient data

Language? Descendant of Middle English, most likely a North American variation.

Location? Acquiring data.

Sounds: Beeping. Indistinct voices. Squeaking shoes.

Smells: Disinfectant.

Feelings: Laying on a cushioned surface. Slight pressure in my wrist. Wearing strange clothing.

Conclusion? Hospital room, hooked up to heart monitor, on I.V. drip.

Threat Level? Green: Safe.

Opening eyes slowly.

Examine surroundings. Standard hospital arrangements.

Man sitting on a stool. Must be the speaker.

Examine speaker.

Race? Caucasian. Irish-German descent.

Age? 28.

Name? Badge says, Paul Rauthbauer, RN.

He has noticed my eyes are open.

“Oh, good, you are awake.”

Language? American English.

Accent? Moderate German. English is not his first language.

“Sir, do you know what day of the week it is?”

Standard question to check my mental faculties. Made useless by him having a digital calendar on his watch.

Calendar reads: Mon. 7/23/13 5:34PM, easily read as Monday, September, 23, 2013. Calendar setup confirms I’m in America.

Respond with correct date, and comment on watch.

Unable to move mouth. Problematic.

Attempt to move fingers.

Movement capabilities confirmed..

Attempt to move hands.

Movement capabilities confirmed.

Point to mouth.

Movement successful.

“Ah, you cannot speak? Das is gut. Yes. Now you will not be able to scream.”

Assess intent.

Verbal indication to do bodily harm.

Reassess threat level.

Threat level? Red: Danger to physical form.

Request access to weaponry? Access granted.

Generate arm cannon.

Arm cannon generated.

Initiate non-verbal warning toward threat.

Arm cannon leveled at threat.

Activate auto-repair sequence on speech functions.

Speech function Auto-repair started.

Rise from lying position.

Rising.

Stand on floor opposite threat.

Leaving bed via sliding.

Speech function auto-repair finished.

Load arm cannon with a thermal tracer and a stun round.

Arm cannon loaded.

Tag threat with thermal tracer.

Threat tagged.

Stun threat.

Threat stunned.

Activate Shielding.

Shielding activated.

Leave room via window.

Jumping through window.

Falling, ground impact in 3 seconds.

Brace shielding for impact.

Impacted.

Systems check? All green.

Generate locator beacon.

Locator beacon generated.

Call transport.

Transport arrival in 7 minutes and 42 seconds.

Activate camouflage.

Camouflage activated.

Hide.

Hidden.

Wait.

Waiting.

Enter surveillance mode.

Entered.

Transport arrived.

Board transport via Jump.

Boarded.

Leave world.

Leaving.

Simulation end.

Allotted time. 9 minutes, 21 seconds, 14 milliseconds.

“Yes! New record”

Grade assessment.

Delayed threat analysis. -3 points

Destruction of Property. -12 points

Waste of resources. -17 points.

Grade: 68% D

“Aww, man.”

“Better luck next year.”

“Easy, for you to say, you passed.”
Simulation training concept is interesting. The quirk at the end is cute.

Query-response interface--the "Do X - X done" repetition gets tedious after a while, and I have to wonder whether this sort of training is really best accomplished through the same style of gameplay as ADVENT.

The objective of the scenario does not appear to be substantially related to the challenge(s) presented by the scenario. Once the protagonist calls for a ship to get off-world, all interest/tension drains out of the scene.

AkazilliaDeNaro
2015-09-22, 09:12 PM
Okay, I have time now. Be advised that I don't pull punches.


You've imagined a really cool scene where an escaped supersoldier blows himself and several planets up to escape the grasp of a badass interstellar police force at the climax of a chase scene IN SPACE and now the police force has to deal with the aftermath. Kudos.

But I'm not sure why we're listening to two--no, three (where did the serviceman appear from?)--people in an office/conference room/thing tell us that this really cool scene happened, instead of watching the really cool scene.

Getting time travel involved raises about a billion questions, and it didn't do anything for the plot that regular old teleportation wouldn't.

There's very little descriptive or narrative setup in this scene. It's almost all dialogue, and the dialogue is almost all jargon/explanation of jargon.

The reactions of the characters don't really match the events they're reacting to. Revelation that the Dreadbomb blast might have destroyed even more than previously thought? "Oh, that's a good point." The commander's overall reaction to the enormity of this disaster? "This is not my day." It's not jocular enough to be funny, and it's not serious enough to be dramatic.

Mind your Periods and Qommas.

The characters react that way because, this is supposed to be "a bad day" not an "Oh my god, what do we do!" day. This is just a slight challenge in their everyday life. Similar to getting a flat tire.

And i'll admit time travel is nigh impossible to use properly in a story. *cough*DoctorWho*cough*

The room was suppose to be similar to the bridge on Star Trek's ship-thing. People are off to the side maintaining things.


Most beginnings don't start with nothing.

The group of people who corrupt the song don't appear to have a motive.

The song appears to have fixed itself and I'm not sure why it needs to be fixed again.

I'm not sure where this conversation is taking place, since it's not in the universe.

Ultimately, it's just really hard to do the 'song of creation' without feeling inadequate next to Tolkien.
I actually wrote this before I ever even heard of Tolkien. I mean, I had heard of Lord of the Rings, but I hadn't known who made it.

But you are right. It is rather mediocre, possibly even worse than that.

The heart of this scene is John's motive for deciding to replace the evil he just destroyed, but there isn't anything compelling about what he's saying. But if you're going for hilarity, the last line is cheesy enough to do it.
This one was meant to be the ending to one of my other stories but now I don't think I will ever finish it.


A lawyer and a pompous-sounding jerk hero get a line each. There isn't much to say about this one.
And I don't have much to comment on.

The last three sentences are not bad. But stop repeating yourself--if you say "amount of power" one more time I might have to headbutt this monitor, and then where would I be? (Well, paying the library for a new monitor, that's where.) The first half is awkwardly phrased, and needs a lot of setup. Needing setup is fine, as long as you plan to provide it at some point.
I... hadn't realized was repeating myself. Amount of power.

Simulation training concept is interesting. The quirk at the end is cute.

Query-response interface--the "Do X - X done" repetition gets tedious after a while, and I have to wonder whether this sort of training is really best accomplished through the same style of gameplay as ADVENT.

The objective of the scenario does not appear to be substantially related to the challenge(s) presented by the scenario. Once the protagonist calls for a ship to get off-world, all interest/tension drains out of the scene.
I had written that one late at night. So, I wanted to finish it quickly, and not make it a full blown story. Which made the ending suffer.

Most of these are just doodles in written form I guess. They are, by definition, not supposed to be masterpieces, or even good, for that matter.

Lethologica
2015-09-23, 12:08 AM
The characters react that way because, this is supposed to be "a bad day" not an "Oh my god, what do we do!" day. This is just a slight challenge in their everyday life. Similar to getting a flat tire.

And i'll admit time travel is nigh impossible to use properly in a story. *cough*DoctorWho*cough*

The room was suppose to be similar to the bridge on Star Trek's ship-thing. People are off to the side maintaining things.
All right, that's cool. Question is--why is getting a unit and some planets blown up the equivalent of a flat tire? 'Cause that has implications. Are they in a universe where collateral damage is common and nigh-unavoidable, so they just have to develop super-thick skin? Do time travel shenanigans mean they take an extremely philosophical view of the whole 'life and death' thing--like, oh, those people died a little sooner than they should, that's annoying? Can they re-recruit their officers from another time stream? You can reflect whatever the reason is back into the attitudes of the characters.

Similarly with the bridge. That's a cool setting for this scene. The story needs for it to be written in--just having a desk isn't getting the message across. Another opportunity is to use that screen you mentioned to show what's happening with the chase. Then you can be on the bridge and in the middle of that really cool chase scene they're talking about at the same time.


Most of these are just doodles in written form I guess. They are, by definition, not supposed to be masterpieces, or even good, for that matter.
No worries. I'm throwing lots of problems at you. Some of them point towards solutions, like the above. At the end of the day, though, I'm just a reactionary member of the commentariat. You are the one actually producing ideas and writing them out, creating, and that act is beyond criticism.

AkazilliaDeNaro
2016-03-17, 02:06 PM
Well, i added a new short story: Madness.

Hopefully this isn't thread necromancy.

Lethologica
2016-03-18, 01:04 PM
IANAM, but my understanding (from the last time I asked a mod) is that creators restarting their own creative threads (e.g. homebrew or art sharing) is always okay, though it's nice to check anyway.



Madness

“You know we can’t let you do this Zether” A man said. He was wearing a strange outfit. It was, at one point, a suit, but it was torn in over a dozen places and had several different colors of paint splattered on it. The man’s face was strange as well. It was covered in a strange design. It looked like something approaching a black and white spiral that had been pixilated and spattered with random splotches of color.

“And you know that you can’t defeat me, James.” the man addressed as Zether said. He was wearing a more reasonable ensemble. It was a full suit of metal plate armor and a sword at his hip. The armors chest piece was emblazoned with a lion raised up on its hind legs attacking a Sun.

“Saichen.” James says, turning toward the girl next to him. She was wearing an immaculate white Kimono robe. The long sleeves flowing despite the lack of wind.

“I probably won’t see you after this, but I want to give you something,” he says taking the key off his necklace. ”It’s a key to a box in my room, take it and go.”

“What are you talking about? We can beat him!” Saichen says.

“No, ‘we’ can’t. Trust me.” he says turning back toward Zether, and raising his hand to just beneath his face.

“True, I can’t beat you.” James says, laying an almost imperceptible stress on the word ‘I’, “But I am not the only one who inhabits this body. ” he says sliding his hand vertically across his face.

Almost immediately, he starts laughing, a high-pitched warbling cackle.
“He let me out! The seal is broken!” He says in a fluctuating, high-pitched voice.

“I don’t know what game you're playing but it's not going to work, James, you have never beaten me before-” Zether starts saying but is cut off before he can finish.

“James? Oh, he would choose an unassuming name like that.” He looked up, “James isn't here right now, in fact, he won't ever be here again.”

“If you aren’t James anymore, then who are you.“ Zether asks mildly surprised.

“Oh I have oh so many names; Chaos, Doombringer, Asylum, Brother Madness, The End, Anti-Life, Apocrypha… you get my point. But I guess this time I will go with something a bit less orderly. You may call me, Khyrak. Well, for as long as you have left anyway.”

“Khyrak, James, it makes no difference, you still are no match for me.” Zether said, nonchalantly.

“Oh, is that so?” Khyrak says placing his of his hand on his chin. “Well, then I guess there is nothing to it.” He continues, just before snapping his own neck. His body goes limp, but does not fall, his arms dangling loosely from his shoulders.

He starts to fall forward, but before he could hit the ground he lunges at Zether. His lunge turns into a spin by rotating his body. His arms are forced outward by the force.

Zether barely manages to get his sword up to block in time. Sparks fly from the contact between his sword and Khyrak’s hands. Khyrak reverses rotation and for a second you can see the skin of his hands is covered with the same swirling pattern as his face.

As Zether goes to block, Khyrak’s foot sweeps across the floor tripping him. Zether begins to fall but catches himself by planting his sword in the ground. Wings of fire erupt from Zether’s back as he gets back up.

“Well this is certainly new. I haven't had to use Seraph’s wings before, but regardless this ends here.” Zether says as he begins to fly upward, the fire from his wings growing.

“Sanctus Infernus!” He shouts as fire bursts from his sword and envelopes Khyrak, boiling the ground.

“Oh, isn’t this just adorable. Seeing as you use a magic insulator I shall do the same.” Khyrack says unphased by the flames.

“Gravitatis Veritatum.”

Suddenly, Zether is slammed against the ground at an incredible speed. The flames surrounding Khyrak dissipate, revealing him standing in a perfectly untouched circle surrounded by molten rock.

Zether tries to get up but is slammed against the ground by an unseen force.

“Well that was fun, but time to end this little game. Any last words? Oh, that’s right you have a couple thousand G forces on you right now. That’s unfortunate. Well, buh-bye!” He mocks.

Khyrak snaps his fingers and Zether’s body vanishes.

“Huh. Well what to do now? Actually, where am I?” Khyrak says looking around. Since the battle is over he finally notices the condition his suit is in.

“Okay, first things first: Find a tailor.”

Solid reverse-curbstomp battle. Most of my comments are about things you can build on from this base.

I want to know more about the environment where this incident is taking place. There's enough description for me to form a mental image of the four characters in this scene, but everything around them is foggy.

If James is sacrificing his life to release Khyrak, and Khyrak is as terrible as he sounds, James would be more reluctant to release him, and would probably use the threat of releasing him to attempt to dissuade Zether before actually sacrificing himself. He might try to beat Zether himself before releasing Khyrak even knowing he can't beat Zether--after all, the worst that can happen is that he loses and then releases Khyrak anyway.

The tension fizzles a bit because the initial stakes James/Zether/Saichen are fighting for aren't explained or given weight, and by the end of the story none of the characters who cared about those stakes are left. Giving the reader a tangible sense of the stakes is especially important here because James' actions only make sense if releasing Khyrak is less awful than whatever Zether was going to do.

Saichen doesn't have any presence in the story. Even her departure goes unspoken.

Mind your tenses. You switch from 'said' to 'says' and back a couple times.

AkazilliaDeNaro
2016-05-11, 03:14 PM
Added a new story 'Level Up'.

Tried to make the swears sound authentic, tell me if I did well on that end.

Also the ending may have been a bit rushed.

Asmodean_
2016-05-12, 01:29 PM
Plot holes ahoy!




A Song of Creation
Let me tell you a story, young one.
In the beginning, like all other beginnings, there was nothing. Then a song was played, a song of creation, a song to make all the nothingness into perfection, but knowing this a group of people sent back through time, a wave of force strong enough but subtle enough to alter a note, corrupting it, and in doing so create all the impurities in the universe, but the song could not work with the corrupted note so to fix itself, it cast out the note giving it shape and form and mass and thought, never to be seen or heard of again. You see young one the reason I tell you this is because you are that note, though you may not remember it, but I am here to help you remember and fix the universe to what it is suppose to be.

I think... if this person was the note, wouldn't it be easier to kill the person? Turning him into an antagonist by telling him what's going to happen is just making more problems down the line.
Also, how would he "remember" being an intangible note in a creation song?



Endings and Beginnings
He stood there just staring at his hands, hands that had just previously annihilated a being so powerful and so terrifying that it had conquered several galaxies. and he had destroyed it with such ease, with hardly any effort at all. As he stood there, a strange thought popped into his head, “Why shouldn’t I rule. Why should I be king, or god?”

“John, we’re leaving, it's time to go.” Melina said to him.

He look over to the broken obsidian throne, “No.” he replied as he used his powers to reforge the throne.

“What?” she asked.

“You don’t understand, you never understood. Did you think that just because you found me, that I would work for you forever? I just killed the biggest evil this universe has ever seen, with hardly any effort. Did you really think that once he was gone everything would just be sunshine and rainbows? No, you should have known by now, even on my planet, once the greatest evil is destroyed another rises up to take its place, stronger than before. So here I am taking my rightful place as ruler.” He said as he sat down on the now repaired throne.

“But, John, you-”

“NO! That is not my name anymore. My name... is... Deus Rex.”
Unsure if name is satire or just shoddy.



Temporal Judgement
"The willful alteration of the chrono-temporal flow is a second level crime against reality, a violation of the fourth law of magic, and is specifically outlawed in the alpha codex. Yet you willingly went against the laws set down by the Forerunners, and attempted to change both the past and the future. What say you in your defense?"

“I did what was necessary, for the continued survival of my species. I make no attempt to deny my actions, if put in the position i would gladly take the same measures, albeit with less hesitation. So, you make your judgments. My conscience is clear.”

Guilty.
I don't care what he was trying to do, that's not how law works. Maybe it'd lower his sentence to less than a few million years in solitary, but the law's the law. And if such a law were to have such connotations, there's almost definitely a reason. If this is to be expanded, he should at least find out why this thing is a second level crime against reality and a violation of the fourth law of magic and outlawed in the alpha codex.



Temptation Denied
A voice called out, “What do you desire, mortal? Power? Wealth? Knowledge? Status? I can give it to you, for a pri-”

I interrupted and responded, “You try to tempt me, in an attempt to make me let you into my Soul, and in exchange you would give me power, but the amount of power you could give me is not the amount that I want, it’s not even close. Maybe if you and 107 of your buddies came together you might measure up to a fraction, but you can’t. The amount of power I want is enough to reshape WORLDS, to crush GODS. But that amount of power is beyond your ability to comprehend, much less give. So thanks, but no thanks, I’ll find it on my own.”
Eww, amount. I get volume or number or mass wouldn't fit, but you don't have to specify each time. Instead of "not the amount that I want" how about "nowhere near enough"? Four times is overdoing it.
Also, why specifically would there be 108 of them? If it's just an arbitrary number, try "a hundred" or "hundreds" instead. As someone versed in statistics, how would he know to that many significant digits?
And come to think of it, why would this demon approach (or be approached by) this protagonist if it's apparently so obvious that he's out of his league?



The Test

“Sir.”

Hmm, a voice, someone is speaking.

Gender? Male.

Age? Between 25 and 28.

Race? Unknown, insufficient data

Language? Descendant of Middle English, most likely a North American variation.

Location? Acquiring data.

Sounds: Beeping. Indistinct voices. Squeaking shoes.

Smells: Disinfectant.

Feelings: Laying on a cushioned surface. Slight pressure in my wrist. Wearing strange clothing.

Conclusion? Hospital room, hooked up to heart monitor, on I.V. drip.

Threat Level? Green: Safe.

Opening eyes slowly.

Examine surroundings. Standard hospital arrangements.

Man sitting on a stool. Must be the speaker.

Examine speaker.

Race? Caucasian. Irish-German descent.

Age? 28.

Name? Badge says, Paul Rauthbauer, RN.

He has noticed my eyes are open.

“Oh, good, you are awake.”

Language? American English.

Accent? Moderate German. English is not his first language.

“Sir, do you know what day of the week it is?”

Standard question to check my mental faculties. Made useless by him having a digital calendar on his watch.

Calendar reads: Mon. 7/23/13 5:34PM, easily read as Monday, September, 23, 2013. Calendar setup confirms I’m in America.

Respond with correct date, and comment on watch.

Unable to move mouth. Problematic.

Attempt to move fingers.

Movement capabilities confirmed..

Attempt to move hands.

Movement capabilities confirmed.

Point to mouth.

Movement successful.

“Ah, you cannot speak? Das is gut. Yes. Now you will not be able to scream.”

Assess intent.

Verbal indication to do bodily harm.

Reassess threat level.

Threat level? Red: Danger to physical form.

Request access to weaponry? Access granted.

Generate arm cannon.

Arm cannon generated.

Initiate non-verbal warning toward threat.

Arm cannon leveled at threat.

Activate auto-repair sequence on speech functions.

Speech function Auto-repair started.

Rise from lying position.

Rising.

Stand on floor opposite threat.

Leaving bed via sliding.

Speech function auto-repair finished.

Load arm cannon with a thermal tracer and a stun round.

Arm cannon loaded.

Tag threat with thermal tracer.

Threat tagged.

Stun threat.

Threat stunned.

Activate Shielding.

Shielding activated.

Leave room via window.

Jumping through window.

Falling, ground impact in 3 seconds.

Brace shielding for impact.

Impacted.

Systems check? All green.

Generate locator beacon.

Locator beacon generated.

Call transport.

Transport arrival in 7 minutes and 42 seconds.

Activate camouflage.

Camouflage activated.

Hide.

Hidden.

Wait.

Waiting.

Enter surveillance mode.

Entered.

Transport arrived.

Board transport via Jump.

Boarded.

Leave world.

Leaving.

Simulation end.

Allotted time. 9 minutes, 21 seconds, 14 milliseconds.

“Yes! New record”

Grade assessment.

Delayed threat analysis. -3 points

Destruction of Property. -12 points

Waste of resources. -17 points.

Grade: 68% D

“Aww, man.”

“Better luck next year.”

“Easy, for you to say, you passed.”

Nice story twist, but most tests are built on positive reinforcement - you get 12 points for not destroying things, instead of losing 12 for doing so. This stops people who just tick boxes getting full marks. If the mark scheme were truly to represent all levels of skill, he would be losing masses of points for "lack of initiative" or "lack of " although nothing wrong was done.



Madness

“You know we can’t let you do this Zether” A man said. He was wearing a strange outfit. It was, at one point, a suit, but it was torn in over a dozen places and had several different colors of paint splattered on it. The man’s face was strange as well. It was covered in a strange design. It looked like something approaching a black and white spiral that had been pixilated and spattered with random splotches of color.

“And you know that you can’t defeat me, James.” the man addressed as Zether said. He was wearing a more reasonable ensemble. It was a full suit of metal plate armor and a sword at his hip. The armors chest piece was emblazoned with a lion raised up on its hind legs attacking a Sun.

“Saichen.” James says, turning toward the girl next to him. She was wearing an immaculate white Kimono robe. The long sleeves flowing despite the lack of wind.

“I probably won’t see you after this, but I want to give you something,” he says taking the key off his necklace. ”It’s a key to a box in my room, take it and go.”

“What are you talking about? We can beat him!” Saichen says.

“No, ‘we’ can’t. Trust me.” he says turning back toward Zether, and raising his hand to just beneath his face.

“True, I can’t beat you.” James says, laying an almost imperceptible stress on the word ‘I’, “But I am not the only one who inhabits this body. ” he says sliding his hand vertically across his face.

Almost immediately, he starts laughing, a high-pitched warbling cackle.
“He let me out! The seal is broken!” He says in a fluctuating, high-pitched voice.

“I don’t know what game you're playing but it's not going to work, James, you have never beaten me before-” Zether starts saying but is cut off before he can finish.

“James? Oh, he would choose an unassuming name like that.” He looked up, “James isn't here right now, in fact, he won't ever be here again.”

“If you aren’t James anymore, then who are you.“ Zether asks mildly surprised.

“Oh I have oh so many names; Chaos, Doombringer, Asylum, Brother Madness, The End, Anti-Life, Apocrypha… you get my point. But I guess this time I will go with something a bit less orderly. You may call me, Khyrak. Well, for as long as you have left anyway.”

“Khyrak, James, it makes no difference, you still are no match for me.” Zether said, nonchalantly.

“Oh, is that so?” Khyrak says placing his of his hand on his chin. “Well, then I guess there is nothing to it.” He continues, just before snapping his own neck. His body goes limp, but does not fall, his arms dangling loosely from his shoulders.

He starts to fall forward, but before he could hit the ground he lunges at Zether. His lunge turns into a spin by rotating his body. His arms are forced outward by the force.

Zether barely manages to get his sword up to block in time. Sparks fly from the contact between his sword and Khyrak’s hands. Khyrak reverses rotation and for a second you can see the skin of his hands is covered with the same swirling pattern as his face.

As Zether goes to block, Khyrak’s foot sweeps across the floor tripping him. Zether begins to fall but catches himself by planting his sword in the ground. Wings of fire erupt from Zether’s back as he gets back up.

“Well this is certainly new. I haven't had to use Seraph’s wings before, but regardless this ends here.” Zether says as he begins to fly upward, the fire from his wings growing.

“Sanctus Infernus!” He shouts as fire bursts from his sword and envelopes Khyrak, boiling the ground.

“Oh, isn’t this just adorable. Seeing as you use a magic insulator I shall do the same.” Khyrack says unphased by the flames.

“Gravitatis Veritatum.”

Suddenly, Zether is slammed against the ground at an incredible speed. The flames surrounding Khyrak dissipate, revealing him standing in a perfectly untouched circle surrounded by molten rock.

Zether tries to get up but is slammed against the ground by an unseen force.

“Well that was fun, but time to end this little game. Any last words? Oh, that’s right you have a couple thousand G forces on you right now. That’s unfortunate. Well, buh-bye!” He mocks.

Khyrak snaps his fingers and Zether’s body vanishes.

“Huh. Well what to do now? Actually, where am I?” Khyrak says looking around. Since the battle is over he finally notices the condition his suit is in.

“Okay, first things first: Find a tailor.”

Great sass. Although in this setting you have to watch your language, since they probably don't know what a G force is if the setting is (apparently) feudal Japan.
Also... why exactly would James release Khyrak? Like... at all?
In any circumstance?
What kind of battle would require releasing actually the end of the world just to win?



Level Up

“Then who called this meeting?” An italian crime boss asked the others in the dark warehouse.

“I did.” A man said, as he entered the room. He looked about 16 and was wearing a pair of baggy cargo pants, and an oversized red hoodie. To his left and right were two men in black suits, both carrying large silver cases.

“And who the hell are you?” One of the colombian leaders said as the guards all pulled weapons on the newcomer.

“I am known as ‘Skill Tree’, but that is unimportant, whereas, what I have to offer, is. And can you put down your guns, I wouldn’t want you getting hurt.” He said, casually.

“Arrogant little ****, Sergio, teach this brat some manners.” One of the Italians said.

“Wait!” One of the other Italians said, “Kid’s got enough know how, resources, and balls to pull a meeting between all of us. Maybe we should hear him out?”

“I agree.” One of the chinese says.

“Fair enough. But if it doesn’t pan out kid, you will be in a world of hurt.” The first italian said.

“Oh-kay, down to business then.” Skill tree said, sitting down at the table, “I have in my possession, a compound, that when injecting into the bloodstream, activates the latent connection to Yggdrasil, inside the human body, and manifests it for 24 hours.”

“What?” Most of the members present said.

“I have a drug that gives you superpowers for a limited time.” Skill tree explained.

“Bollocks” One of the Irish members said.

“I figured you wouldn’t believe me, so I came prepared to give a demonstration.” He said pulling out a cell phone and pressing a button. After a few seconds a third man in a suit came in dragging another man behind him. The man was shriveled, half dead, and constantly mumbling.

“Now, most of you are probably feeling, a mixture of disgust, pity, and possibly sadness, towards #713 here. But just watch and see what happens next.” Skill Tree said, before he pulled out a vial, and an injector gun, from his pockets.

He held up the vial and said, “One dose of the drug I designed, I call it ‘Level-Up’.” He placed the vial in the injector gun and used it on the half dead person, who immediately started to recover.

Color return to his skin, and his body started to regain its shape as his atrophied muscles started to grow back. He stood up, now that his body could support his weight. His body had returned to average fitness, and continued to grow more muscle, until he was at peak human condition.

“But wait there’s more!” Skill Tree said, holding his hand toward the third guard, who then handed him a combat knife. “#713 isn’t just at peak physical condition.,” Skill tree said slashing out #713’s throat with the combat knife, “He also has a regenerative healing factor.” He continued as #713 got up off the ground and his throat healed.

“So what do you think of #713 now?” Skill tree asked

“Madre de Dios!” One of the colombians said.

“Yeah, I figured as much. But this power doesn't come without a cost. The powers granted by the first dose of Level-Up only last for 24 hours, while withdrawal symptoms occur only a few hours after it wearing off. The drug is highly addictive, both psychologically and physically, and the user builds up a tolerance fast. Most people can only handle six or seven uses before it stops working on them.” Skill tree explained.

“And you want… what? To sell it to us?” One of the Italians asked.

“Ideally? Yes.” Skill Tree said calmly.

“How much you want?” One of the Russians asked.

“Well, considering what you can do with this, I’d say… 10 million US dollars for a case of 13 doses.” Skill tree said with a smile.

One of the Irish leaders started laughing, “Well you have some solid brass balls on you to demand that much. How ‘bout a counter offer lad, you leave the cases here and we give you, hmm… 10 grand for the laugh.”

“Oh, Wow, you guys really have no imagination. Let me spell this out for you. Say you give this drug to one of you goons and he gets super speed. Suddenly you have a thief that could rob all the banks in Paris in under 2 hours. Boom, just made half your money back with one dose. Or what if you give it to another goon and he gains Super Strength, boom great enforcer. I mean come on the possibilities are endless! It’s a steal for 12 million!” Skill Tree said

“12 million? Earlier you said 10 million” one of the columbians said.

“Yeah, that was before you insulted my intelligence.”

“Okay, kid.” One of the italians said, “How about you give us the doses before you get hurt.”

“Oh, Did you just threaten me? I should probably have mentioned this earlier, but, whatever.” Skill Tree said as he sat at the table making a steeple with his hands.

“You see, when I designed this drug, I designed it for myself, to give [I]me superpowers. It wasn’t until later that I realized it worked on others. Any time I take a dose of this drug i get A different super power. Permanently. With no side effects. So far I have taken upwards of 200 doses. That’s almost 200 separate powers.” Skill Tree explained.

“Now, with all that in mind, do you really think you are in a position to threaten me?” He asked.

“Yeah, I didn’t think so. But, back to the matter at hand, 12 million for 13 doses. Take it or leave it.” he said at their blank faces.

“H-how many cases do you have?” One of the Colombians asked.

“On me? Just the 2, but I have about 30 cases back at the lab. First come, first serve, as it were. But, after tonight there will be plenty to go around.” he said.

After a minute of silence, he said, “What no one wants to take the first leap? Ah , oh well, here’s my card incase anyone wants to buy later.” he said throwing a stack of business cards onto the table, before he walked out, his guards following him.
I understand why it has to be so for the sake of the plot, but what is it in this serum that makes Skilltree and only Skilltree immune to the effects of Level-Up? And also, if he already knows how much money can be made in a few hours due to the effects of one serum, why would Skilltree, having had "over 200" doses, need to sell the serums? He said himself there aren't any side-effects, so what's preventing him from taking the 13 doses (or just using the 200 he's already had) and getting the money himself? Why does he feel the need to offset the profit?
Either he doesn't, or he hasn't thought this through, or he's rolled so many natural 20s on his bluff and intimidate checks you really should check his dice.


Well that's all I have so far.
So, tell me what you guys think.
ok

AkazilliaDeNaro
2016-05-12, 07:34 PM
Plot holes ahoy!
A Song of Creation
I think... if this person was the note, wouldn't it be easier to kill the person? Turning him into an antagonist by telling him what's going to happen is just making more problems down the line.
Also, how would he "remember" being an intangible note in a creation song?

I based this story on a picture I saw.
Specifically this (http://wallpapers.mi9.com/wallpaper/free-cg-beautiful-girl-wallpaper_81333/) picture.
The one speaking is the Lion, and he is a good guy. Aslan-ish, kind of.


Endings And Beginnings
Unsure if name is satire or just shoddy.

This one was meant to be an ending to this long book i was writing but I eventually gave up on it.


Temporal Judgement
Guilty.
I don't care what he was trying to do, that's not how law works. Maybe it'd lower his sentence to less than a few million years in solitary, but the law's the law. And if such a law were to have such connotations, there's almost definitely a reason. If this is to be expanded, he should at least find out why this thing is a second level crime against reality and a violation of the fourth law of magic and outlawed in the alpha codex.

He's not trying to get out of the sentence. he just explaining why he doesn't care about their judgement.


Temptation Denied
Eww, amount. I get volume or number or mass wouldn't fit, but you don't have to specify each time. Instead of "not the amount that I want" how about "nowhere near enough"? Four times is overdoing it.
Also, why specifically would there be 108 of them? If it's just an arbitrary number, try "a hundred" or "hundreds" instead. As someone versed in statistics, how would he know to that many significant digits?
And come to think of it, why would this demon approach (or be approached by) this protagonist if it's apparently so obvious that he's out of his league?

Amount of power, yeah it gets a bit weird after hearing it so many times.
108 is a special number, it has connotations attached to it in certain cultures.
And the protagonist isn't 'obviously' out of the demons league, the demon just pick the wrong person to mess with.


The Test
Nice story twist, but most tests are built on positive reinforcement - you get 12 points for not destroying things, instead of losing 12 for doing so. This stops people who just tick boxes getting full marks. If the mark scheme were truly to represent all levels of skill, he would be losing masses of points for "lack of initiative" or "lack of " although nothing wrong was done.

Not any test I've taken. It is either 'you took the right action' or 'you failed'.


Madness
Great sass. Although in this setting you have to watch your language, since they probably don't know what a G force is if the setting is (apparently) feudal Japan.
Also... why exactly would James release Khyrak? Like... at all?
In any circumstance?
What kind of battle would require releasing [i]actually the end of the world just to win?

Yeah, I didn't really convey the threat that Zether posed.
Oh, and they aren't in feudal Japan. It's more of a cave. That leads to becoming God. Capital 'G' God.
Zether was about to do that.
As for releasing Khyrak, well what do you think he gave Saichen?


Level-Up
I understand why it has to be so for the sake of the plot, but what is it in this serum that makes Skilltree and only Skilltree immune to the effects of Level-Up? And also, if he already knows how much money can be made in a few hours due to the effects of one serum, why would Skilltree, having had "over 200" doses, need to sell the serums? He said himself there aren't any side-effects, so what's preventing him from taking the 13 doses (or just using the 200 he's already had) and getting the money himself? Why does he feel the need to offset the profit?
Either he doesn't, or he hasn't thought this through, or he's rolled so many natural 20s on his bluff and intimidate checks you really should check his dice.

Skill Tree doesn't actually 'take' the doses, he produces them. From his body. He is Yggdrasil. Hence the name, 'Skill Tree'.

AkazilliaDeNaro
2016-08-16, 12:48 PM
Added a new story "Iconic Phrasing", might continue it further tho.

Props to whoever gets the setting.

Also I know that iconic phrase is 100% gibberish, it's SUPPOSED TO BE.

Asmodean_
2016-08-17, 04:12 PM
Iconic Phrasing

It’s funny how iconic a single phrase can become, if said at the right time.

“You will not escape me again, Simurgh! For you are in God’s Domain now!”

Well, then again maybe its the events that transpire around the phrase, that cause it to become so iconic.

An angelic figure speeds by, her asymmetrical wings damaged, her alabaster skin leaking white blood from her 15 foot form. She flies with abandon, yeah easily evades any and all attacks and obstacles as if she can see them coming. When she finally stops flying it’s only to float in place, while parts of the surrounding float up to protect her.

Another figure arrived, flying across the shattered battlefield that is Canberra, Australia. His deep blue cloak rippling in the wind, concealing the white body suit beneath. He raises his arms to be horizontal from his sides with his palms up, and tilts his head back.

Or maybe it is a combination of both, timing and events, that cause memorability.

“QUID LAVA QUOST EST SODOM!”

As he shouted the phrase that would become questioned the word over, lightning struck his body from all angles, pulsating on each word.

After the light show was over, showing him unharmed, he thrust his hands forward in a grasping motion toward the angelic woman.

The angelic figure was suddenly assailed by an invisible force, tearing at her body, shredding her wings, slicing her flesh and funneling away her blood. It continued to rip, tear, and slice, until all that was left was a perfect sphere of dark material, about a foot across, which was shattered like so much glass.

The silence that followed lasted several minutes, until the first cheer which was taken up by all those present.

After all, The Simurgh, The Hopekiller, The Third Endbringer, was no more.

Well that's all I have so far.
So, tell me what you guys think.
Nitpicking time! I enjoy this.


“You will not escape me again, Simurgh! For you are in God’s Domain now!”
Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. does it. Maybe "You are in God's Domain now!" just on its own could become some sort of catchprase.


shattered battlefield that is Canberra, Australia
There's not exactly much to shatter. It's basically a huge park with a house here, the National Library there, etc. It's not the metropolis Sydney is.

I like the role reversal though.