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Thes Hunter
2007-08-13, 10:27 AM
I think the bi-polar thing is a side issue, a MAJOR side issue, if she is bi-polar enough to get the special attention she is getting.

However I think the real issue is that she never respected Cade.

Cade, if someone was your friend, your best friend, they would respect you enough not to treat you like that. They would never wish to do anything to hurt you.

Cade
2007-08-13, 11:43 AM
She does respect me, I've just never told her no to anything she wanted to do. At the time, I almost never had a problem with anything.

Xykon_Fan
2007-08-13, 11:46 AM
She does respect me, I've just never told her no to anything she wanted to do. At the time, I almost never had a problem with anything.

You need to stop using the words you are using then. All we have to go on is what you tell us, and when you use words like "used," we have a tendency to think that she actually did use you...especially when you use that word with a certain degree of depression or anger.

Cade
2007-08-13, 11:53 AM
She used me... but I could have told her no. It's not liked she raped me, she just ... jumped me, and I didn't stop her. I could have.

Narmoth
2007-08-13, 12:36 PM
Also, I lost my first patient today. Ironically, it would be at the end of my summer job. My last day at work, and I lose a patient. Deliciously ironic don't you think? Still, I knew for a long time that she was just getting weaker and weaker but... I don't know. I was sorta hoping she'd get better you know.

Loosing a patient is allways bad. But still, take comfort in that it would have been worse for the patient if you werent there and tried to do things for him or her. And at least you care. Many would not.
This is an important thing to keep in mind if you want to work in healthcare.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-08-14, 10:44 AM
Y'know...Sometimes, for VERY brief moments, I doubt my mental illnesses. "No," I tell myself, "I'm fine. I'm simply imagining things."

But then I have dreams. More often than not, they are disturbing. I've even had nightmares in which I, in the real world, scream, and my own screaming startles me awake. It's not made any better as my cat explores my apartment while I slumber, knocks something over, and the noise jolts me awake with a terrified scream.

Alternatively, there are things that occur in my sleep that I cannot explain in my waking hours. For example, this morning, I woke up with THIS in my head: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LTpB-tpXpI . Haven't seen it in YEARS! But there it was, stuck in my brain for what seems to be the day.

Please...by all means...try to explain THAT one as a sign of sanity! :smalltongue:

Hannes
2007-08-14, 02:49 PM
o.o;;;
Bor, if that's insanity, then I should be in the asylum.
But I'm not. I can live with it, I ignore it. But hey, maybe mine isn't as major as yours. -shrug-

DarkLightDragon
2007-08-15, 06:27 AM
Too much homework, not keeping up, I hope I don't fail year 11, I feel stupid and useless even though I know I'm not, blah blah blah...

Let's get on to something more positive:

I found some bubblewrap today. It's probably a good thing that the teacher in that class took it away again before I popped all the bubbles. :smallamused:

*hugs GitP*

Reinboom
2007-08-15, 06:48 AM
Too much homework, not keeping up, I hope I don't fail year 11, I feel stupid and useless even though I know I'm not, blah blah blah...

Let's get on to something more positive:

I found some bubblewrap today. It's probably a good thing that the teacher in that class took it away again before I popped all the bubbles. :smallamused:

*hugs GitP*

I would recommend a normal scheduled day turned to homework day - followed by a lazy day. Normally by having someone else help restrict you - or even direct you or help you. A good "fighto!" can be of great use.
On to more positive things:
Would you like me to mail you this (http://pifro.com/tempmove/000_0017.jpg)?


As for my own side that I need help with, i think:
I'm so afraid of how people will react to me when they meet me, to the point of being afraid of people. I have a constant bugging "knowledge" that people hate me for a specific underlying indescribable fact. It's so hard to admit, and I wish things were different.
I have been torn with myself a lot, logical, emotional, and just plain flippy in some of these situations. It's really bothersome. Even each of these parts divide onto their own.
Stated in the clear, I love meeting people. I'm extremely affectionate usually, however, when the time boils down to the actual meeting I lock up from self realization that they "will hate me". I fear that if I even try to offer a hug, a handshake, or any form it shall be shot down with instant nonacceptance and, closer to, being rather spit on. This is made worse with the fact that I actually have a reason to feel this way - a combination of reasons actually. I don't know whether to treat this as an illogical fear or if I should really fear meeting people.
I actually don't know what to ask for in this situation entirely.

The Great Skenardo
2007-08-15, 08:19 AM
@Sweet Rein

Shyness is one thing. Anxiety is another. But here's a question for you; what's your track record like? In your history of actually mustering the courage to offer that handshake or hug, how many times has it been accepted? How many times has it been 'spit on'?

If the answer is what I think it is, then it probably is an illogical fear. You like people, and you want people to like you, but you're afraid of botching it. If you can pin down that 'reason' that everyone is (in your mind) bound to hate you, that's one thing. But if it's just a nameless dread, then I can't think that it's a rational sort of anxiety.

Points in favor of Sweet Rein so far:
+Has good writing skills (Like a rainstorm in the desert)
+Affectionate (For most people, this is a good thing)
+Intelligent
+GiTPer and Michigander (Can't go wrong with a combination like that) :smallwink:
+Offers helpful advice on this forum.

Serpentine
2007-08-15, 08:30 AM
There's a guy at my uni who decides that people hate him. He was in Goff and my first game (which got seriously crowded), and we and our characters were as nice as anything to him - and my character having humans as favoured enemy should've despised his, and Goff's experienced several moments where he should have slit his throat for the good of the party - yet even now he complains about the way he was forced to play with us horrible, mean, nasty people. Also he talks to loud. But its his decision that we hate him that's the most insulting - give us some freaking credit! Anyway, point here is, I suppose, at least you're not that bad, and try not to let it get so.
As for me, I don't think I have that many people at all who I could really call my good, close friends. This is mostly because, while I'm quite good at making friendly acquaintances, I'm sure that if they get too close to me and/or hang around with me too much, they'll realise how annoying and horrible I really am.
I don't know, I guess you just have to give people some credit. Most of them aren't, as you say, going to hate you, unless you do something really wrong. If they do, well, that's their problem. But most will give you a good go before judging you, and from what I've seen of you it's unlikely the judgment's gonna be a particularly bad one.

Maryring
2007-08-15, 09:40 AM
I'm so afraid of how people will react to me when they meet me, to the point of being afraid of people. I have a constant bugging "knowledge" that people hate me for a specific underlying indescribable fact. It's so hard to admit, and I wish things were different.
I have been torn with myself a lot, logical, emotional, and just plain flippy in some of these situations. It's really bothersome. Even each of these parts divide onto their own.
Stated in the clear, I love meeting people. I'm extremely affectionate usually, however, when the time boils down to the actual meeting I lock up from self realization that they "will hate me". I fear that if I even try to offer a hug, a handshake, or any form it shall be shot down with instant nonacceptance and, closer to, being rather spit on. This is made worse with the fact that I actually have a reason to feel this way - a combination of reasons actually. I don't know whether to treat this as an illogical fear or if I should really fear meeting people.
I actually don't know what to ask for in this situation entirely.
You shouldn't really fear people. It may be an illogical fear, but illogical or not, you should not let it stop you from contacting people. Yeah I know, easy to say, hard to do, but in this situation, that is the only possible cure. Fears can only be overcome if you challenge them.

I know the feeling though. Fear of being let down and rejected is difficult to handle, but you just have to keep on trying. Sure there is always a chance that your fears will come true, but you just have to keep on trying. There is always the chance that you will end up with horrible luck and be rejected time and time again (took me 15 years), but in the end, there will be those who won't find something to hate about you, but who like you for who you are. And that is your goal isn't it? Just remember that you can never find those people if you stop trying. Trying is painful and difficult, but to give up is even more painful.

So in the end, there is only one advice to give you. Keep on trying. Work on your courage. Defeat your fears. Sooner or later, you will reach your goal.

DarkLightDragon
2007-08-16, 05:00 AM
@SweetRein (I almost believed you were Vespe!): I'd love to have a really lazy day, but I have an overdue assignment, one due tomorrow, another assignment due on Monday and two more that are due in a couple of weeks. And if I don't get a certain part of the Monday assignment done tonight, I am pretty much screwed there. I had two ideas, and can do neither of them tonight. :smallfrown:

I have a third idea that might work though. :smallyuk:

I'd love the bubble wrap though! :smallbiggrin:

Most of the today I've been saying either "I want to bang my head against a wall" or "I want to break something". Out loud. :smallmad:

*sigh*

Panicking is bad. It'll only make it worse. But I can't help it. :smalleek:

*wanders away to eat dinner and sulk*

Reinboom
2007-08-16, 05:12 AM
@Maryring, Serpentine, Skenardo
Thank you, today is a big day for me to try to bite through it, and thus why I broke out with that.
Hopefully this reassurance will be well-greeted, I'm trying my best to ignore the 'worst-cases'.
:smallsmile:


...
Panicking is bad. It'll only make it worse. But I can't help it. :smalleek:

*wanders away to eat dinner and sulk*

If you're panicking, I recommend laying out your most immediate assignment _ forget others for right now _ looking at it, turning away, and take 15-30 minutes of a breather. Not playing games or exploring the internet, just a breather. A very long 'meditate'. Then grinning at it, the type of grin that is a media classic, the one that says "You're going down. I AM more awesome than you." And then, doing it.
The 15-30 minutes will be less of a waste than panicking.

Edit:
Woo for first outspoken confusion towards me.

DarkLightDragon
2007-08-16, 05:47 AM
If you're panicking, I recommend laying out your most immediate assignment _ forget others for right now _ looking at it, turning away, and take 15-30 minutes of a breather. Not playing games or exploring the internet, just a breather. A very long 'meditate'. Then grinning at it, the type of grin that is a media classic, the one that says "You're going down. I AM more awesome than you." And then, doing it.
The 15-30 minutes will be less of a waste than panicking. Thanks. I'll give that a go. :smallsmile:

Vonriel
2007-08-17, 12:55 AM
So I return, if only for a post, and only to rant a bit so I can possibly get my mind to rest and allow me some sleep before tomorrow. Sorry, I know that this is not necessarily the place for this sort of thing, but.. bend the rules for me, just this once?

Spoilered for those of you who'd rather not read a rant:
Essentially, my brother's wedding is Saturday. I happen to be one of his groomsmen. And for some reason I have yet to fathom, the only thing on my mind right now is "I really, really don't want to go." I don't want to be his groomsman, I don't want to be at his wedding, hell, I don't even want to leave tomorrow to go to the city it's being held in. On top of that, like I said, I can't figure out why, and that's nearly as bad. I keep thinking up these scenarios as to why, but they're all wild guesses. In the interest of providing information, and getting this crap (because that's really all it is, unnecessary unwanted junk in my mind) out, I'll go ahead and share a few. Perhaps it's because I don't want to be reminded of how alone I feel. No, not because he is soon to be a husband, and I'm single. I mean I have nobody irl. I have commented on this in the past, but I know no one near where I live, the closest "friend" I have is probably a good 10 hours' drive from here, unless you count people from these forums, and then I'd say the closest is around 5 hours away. So not only do I get to see my brother and his new bride, I get to see the family and friends lavishing their support and encouragement on him, and know that he's going to be driving back to his new house where he has even more friends to congratulate him, and all the while I'll likely be sitting in a corner somewhere alone, doing what I do best it seems: watching. So, yes, perhaps I am jealous of him, but if any of you reading were in my position, wouldn't you feel the same way? Another one that popped up does target the fact that I'm single. My other brother has already gone to great lengths to try and show off his new girlfriend in front of me, going as far as making out with her in the same room with me, and now my other brother not two months later can't stop talking about his soon-to-be new bride. So, yes, again it feels a little like jealousy. Maybe that's it, but I've never really been jealous of either before, and can't see a reason for it starting now. Plus, I never thought jealousy would constantly gnaw at me, and drag down my happiness, but rather cause some form of anger within me. Maybe I'm just reacting to the emotion differently than I had expected, but it just doesn't seem like jealousy is the right emotion here. Anyway, the third (and last) reason I'll share is because it feels like I had absolutely no choice in the matter. I was told, the month of the proposal, when the wedding was planned and that I was going. I was told several months later that I was participating in the wedding as a groomsman. Neither time was I ever given the option. It's not like I would've said no, even knowing that I would be this crappy-feeling, it just feels like I have been railroaded into this thing with absolutely no care about how I feel about these things. So, selfishness would be the motivator of this reason. Selfishness, a very odd trait for me, given the fact that I hold a general opinion that I am not worth spending much time on, and as a result I tend to be more outward caring. I suppose you could say a lack of self esteem has made me selfless, so it's odd when I can only attribute a feeling as selfishness. So, yeah, anyway, back to the reason. I'm being forced down this path, I wasn't even given the option to say yes or no but was just told "do", and I can't help but wonder what the point of it is.

I suppose that's about it. I won't be reading this until Sunday, so keep that in mind with any responses.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-08-17, 01:28 AM
were you me, I'd say three. If they want to railroad you, do something to completely chaotic; embarrass the hell out of him during the Reception. Everyone will be drunk anyways.

SDF
2007-08-17, 01:37 AM
I'm so afraid of how people will react to me when they meet me, to the point of being afraid of people. I have a constant bugging "knowledge" that people hate me for a specific underlying indescribable fact. It's so hard to admit, and I wish things were different.
I have been torn with myself a lot, logical, emotional, and just plain flippy in some of these situations. It's really bothersome. Even each of these parts divide onto their own.
Stated in the clear, I love meeting people. I'm extremely affectionate usually, however, when the time boils down to the actual meeting I lock up from self realization that they "will hate me". I fear that if I even try to offer a hug, a handshake, or any form it shall be shot down with instant nonacceptance and, closer to, being rather spit on. This is made worse with the fact that I actually have a reason to feel this way - a combination of reasons actually. I don't know whether to treat this as an illogical fear or if I should really fear meeting people.
I actually don't know what to ask for in this situation entirely.

I think interpersonal interaction is one of the most stressful things to a lot of people because it is important, to each other, and in life. I used to struggle with this a lot, and one of the main reasons was I wanted people to like me, but I felt like I put them off somehow. I was especially this way in high school. I think through growing up and experience I've learned to better relate to people. I also don't let myself stress over my interactions with others (Who has that kind of time >_<) I still enjoy being liked, and I love meeting new people. Actually relating to people can still be difficult to me, and I think it is for anyone. The joys of the human condition. :P



Von, I think some of the reasons you listed are why you should go. Try and meet some people there. Going out to social events, like a wedding, is one of the best ways in my experience to stave off these feelings. And I don't think anyone asked you because they probably thought it was assumed you were going. A lot of times people don't consider others feelings because they don't realize they should, but you always have a choice. You still do. I really don't have a lot of advice when it comes to how to feel, everyone has to deal with that in their own way. Though, I think you really should try to enjoy yourself if you can.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-08-17, 01:53 AM
Hm... stop caring what others think. If you give them a warm hello, people most always will respond in kind. Me I'm often too aggressive with hellos, too many years in fast food where you have to be friendly and speak up, while suppressing the urge to kill the person I'm talking to. But again, I'm considered insane. Like to the point where Rex started acting like me in the town, and that's the point were people feel he's off his rocker. My character isn't half as eccentric as me, and people who hang around me know that.

Bringing a girl who's been out of state to all of my favorite places, I need only to give a passing reference to Pogo for people to know who I am. People will hate me, I have found, only when they are in groups. If I isolate one, they're mine. A ten minute one on one conversation with me will end with a friendship, no matter how bitter they were to me. I'm manipulation at it's finest.

So, yeah, I'm evil, soulless, manipulative, insane, and I could not care what people think of me. So, for people who freeze up during new meetings, I say; Imagine you are on a pogostick.

^No, my ability to relate to people and give them what they want is what gives me my social graces. A simple complement can have people leaving your presence extremely happy, like this one time I was working and feeling really sick. Apparently the lady didn't like my zombie personality, and asked to have someone with personality take her order. I made some smart alack remark that she didn't catch, but I noticed her eyes were really intense, like her Iris was pale blue with a deep blue ring where it met the Sclera, so I commented on it and made her day. Little things make a huge deal.

Gitman00
2007-08-23, 11:03 AM
Well, I've got an update to this (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2979692&postcount=454) post. There was another incident with Sgt Smith today. She cursed me out for about 5-10 minutes today in front of that same subordinate, calling me all manner of foul names in the process. I'd been hoping to wait this whole situation out until I deploy, since they're going to put me in a different office when I get back and I won't have to deal with her any more, but it came to a head today (much like a festering boil), and I couldn't put it off any longer.

What really got my goat was that she tried to drag the poor young Airman into it:

Sgt Smith: It's not just me. Everyone thinks you're a piece of boop.
Me: Uh-huh. Who?
Sgt Smith: Everyone I've talked to who has worked with you.
Me: Uh-huh. Who?
Sgt Smith: ... Airman Snuffy, doesn't Sgt Gitman have a reputation at [my last station]?
Amn Snuffy: I'm not a part of this. *leaves the office*

I made sure to apologize to Amn Snuffy later that she had to witness that. I doubt she'll get such an apology from Sgt Smith.

So, I got the superintendent and the flight commander together and told them the whole thing, from beginning to end. They had me step out for a minute so they could deliberate, then came out and told me that I'd be working in a different office until I deploy. I don't know what they're going to say (if anything) to Sgt Smith, but I imagine I'll figure it out by her reaction.

To compound my stress (when it rains it pours, I guess), I took my car to the shop last week for its 90,000-mile check-up and left it there overnight so they could work on it first thing in the morning. Next morning, they called me up and told me that my wheels had been stolen (tires, rims, and all) and the driver's-side door lock broken. This itself wasn't really a big deal to me, and I actually laughed about it. I mean... it's a Crown Victoria and it had black factory rims with old, rusty hubcaps. Who in their right mind would steal those? :smallconfused:

Thing is, now the shop is refusing responsibility for the theft. They advised me to claim it on my insurance and they'd cover the deductible, but my insurance refused coverage (more bad luck; I had just switched insurance companies and the new policy didn't go into effect until the day after the theft took place). I didn't consider this a huge problem, since the shop ought to be liable for a theft that took place on their property anyway. Only... they say they're not. They put some junkyard rims on the car and said they wouldn't charge me for those (how generous of them :smallmad:), but I'd have to pay for the new tires myself.

Long and the short of it is, I was planning to take leave next week to see my family who lives 1000 miles away before I deploy to the desert for several months, and instead I'm going to have to stay and start legal proceedings for this whole mess. :smallsigh:

Now that I've wasted my lunch hour ranting about this, I'm going to go bang my head against the wall some more.

Serpentine
2007-08-23, 11:39 AM
Long and the short of it is, I was planning to take leave next week to see my family who lives 1000 miles away before I deploy to the desert for several months, and instead I'm going to have to stay and start legal proceedings for this whole mess. :smallsigh:
Well, good for you for standing up for yourself, both with your work (which at least is out of your hands now) and with this. I don't know the legal details, but it seems to me that your car was in their care, and if they didn't take care of it properly it's their damn fault. So yeah, good on you for going through and fighting for yourself.
Speaking of cars, I have to call the garage tomorrow. They took my car... last week, it must've been, now I think of it, and haven't called me back.

Pyro
2007-08-24, 09:01 PM
Well fall is around the corner (well sorta), and that means several things for me. It means that the weather will be nice again. FINALLY *punches air* and it also means it will be cold and very dark. I think I have something Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD how ironic). Its basically I get very tired and pretty sad during winter months for almost no reason. During this time I get home and just lie down and couch as soon as I get home from school. I'm just dreading how I'll feel this winter. About 2 years ago I wasn't used to it, and it got real bad. Now I can deal with it better, but I'm afraid it'll get worse as time goes on. Also depression runs in my family.

Sorry if this is sorta scattered....

MethodicalMeat
2007-08-26, 12:46 PM
Before I start talking about myself, I'd just like to address Pyro's post.

While I don't suffer from any disorders persay, I do deal with severe depression on occasion. It can cripple me, I might spend all day hiding in my room, crying, curled up under a bed, or a sleeping bag if no bed is handy, and just generally feeling horrid. I wish I could tell you about a cure-all for depression, I honestly wish I could just make it all go away, but I can't. The only thing I can do when I'm deep in the throes of depression is keep occupied, but not with work. I need to do something fun, preferably mindless. For instance, sometimes when I get depressed, I play Dead Rising and kill zombies until I thumbs hurt. It helps me not think about being sad until I can move past the rut I've gottens stuck in.
My mother has something she used to tell me when I was feeling down, "Remeber, the only thing that's changed about your life is your mood."

Now, onto my own rant.

It's ironic, the power those we love hold over us. The capacity our loved ones have to hurt us is something our enemies can only dream about. This is because we love them, and everything that they say carries far more weight and meaning to us than the people we know to hate us.
I'm a furry. I have an alter ego, this alter ego is an anthropomorphic fox.
I have an elder brother, who I love, he's a wonderful brother, he was my first DM, we played AD&D together, then he showed me 3rd edition, and I've been playing ever since. He never lived with us, he lived with his mom, a fair ways away from me.
He hates furries. He also does not know that I am, in fact, a furry.
It hurts me, a bit, when I hear him talk about "those ****ing furries". But what can I do? I don't want to tell him about it, fear and hate are powerful things, they can cloud your judgement, and he might say something he doesn't really mean, it might cause lasting damage to our relationship as brothers, and I don't want that.

I would like to thank the playground for listening to me.

Morrandir
2007-08-27, 01:19 AM
Methodical, the only thing I can think to ask would be "How does the conversation keep changing to 'those ____ing furries'?" Since you know far better than I, if it's something that comes up just conversing, then you can probably steer the conversation a different direction to cut down on the hurt somewhat. If it's something in a campaign, such as playing as an anthropomorph/awakened/shapeshifter/were-____ etc., it'll be a little tougher.

From the little I can glean about your brother, he doesn't seem like he was the star linebacker on the high school football team 7 years in a row, so he might take the news better than you'd think. But DON'T tell him just because some guy on the internet said "Eh, can't be that bad."

At the very least, remember: he doesn't know that saying it hurts you.


I do need to squeeze my own story in here, though.

I've been suffering from a mild depression since childhood, that's been culminating ever since the year before my Freshman year of high school. I'd always been able to cope with it early on, since everyone would still be trying to figure out who they wanted to be friends with, so most everyone was popular. Later on, once the cliques started to get set in stone, was about the same time I found a couple of these types of forums; tight-knit, but welcoming, groups, who would help when problem times arose, and allowed me to keep a large social life, which kept me going. The counselors at the junior high were also very good at their jobs. They kept information confidential, they would make time to meet students, like me, who had problems, and would do everything they could to make sure nothing drastic happened.

In actual high school, though, things changed. The counselors were horrid. One could focus on nothing more than his upcoming retirement, another would always give the response "This is God testing/punishing your (lack of) faith," and the third would just recommend a caliber if I talked to him about any particularly bad days (which he thought was a pretty funny joke, and he considered that if you ever laughed, you weren't depressed in any way). I needed something more, other than just forums, where advice and consolation could be days, maybe even weeks away.

About this time, there was a car accident, and one of those friends-of-everyone girls was killed, in addition to some of my family's friends. The counselors response was to let the students meet in the gym when they needed to talk, and have the students console each other. The counselors were nowhere to be found in the gym. A good number of my classmates remembered that I was always there for people who needed help, and came to me. All the people who were leaning on me would keep me from falling down for the rest of high school. Unfortunately, stress in my final trimester of Senior year dropped my grades, but I managed to graduate with honors.

A couple months later, I went off to college. Still keeping my depression under control, I knew that as long as I had support in the form of people whom I could help, I could manage it. Once I got to the apartment, I realized there was no Internet connectivity, meaning, if I ever had a panic attack, I could only talk to my roommates, provided they were even there. One was very kind, but didn't know how to help, and the other... Let's just say he WAS the star linebacker of his high school football team 7 years in a row. He would also respond with the "God test/punish" bit.

I had to have something to do, something to take my mind off things. I got into Warhammer, picked up some anime I had always wanted to see, just so I could have something relaxing to do should I ever feel down more than usual. I thought it could tide me over until the apartment had access, so I could get back out to help others again. Unfortunately, it was too little, too late. I would feel like a lump of meat most days, and never improved much. As opposed to try and go through the mile-high stack of paperwork to see a counselor, I decided to move back home, to try and settle down, and try an easier approach. This was about 3 weeks ago.

Today, I had one of those thoughts. You know the kind. Thankfully, with all my experience with consoling those dealing with loss, I knew what was happening. I have lost control. I'm setting an appointment with my family doctor in the morning, so he can get me on the right track. As I want to get this taken care of, I thought about when this started, what might have caused it, and I remembered things I blocked out, that are the causes without question.

When I was 6, I was abused. That way. By someone I thought was my friend. He had invited me over to his house, and while our parents talked, we went to his backyard to play. We went into his almost ready-to-harvest garden, which is when it happened. I didn't know what was going on, but I knew it was wrong, and he told me not to tell anyone. At 10, the same thing happened in the boy's room with a different person, one I hadn't met. Finally, at 13, another one, this time on the school bus by one who just got out of juvie, and went right back in a few weeks later for assaulting an off-duty officer. Each time, they threatened me with greater acts of violence if I ever told anyone, and I was too scared to even tell my closest friends or my parents.

I blacked out the nightmares, and just put on a smiling face, and kept a cheery disposition. BUt now, I can't do it anymore. I need professional help.

It's veyr hard for me to write this, and I'm just glad to finally tell someone, anyone about this.

MethodicalMeat
2007-08-27, 02:05 AM
Morrandir, I truly, truly wish I could say something to make everything right, but since I can't, I'll do what I can.
Here's an e-hug, I hope it helps.:smallsmile:

As for my brother, you're right, he isn't one of those "Big dumb jocks". However, he is very opinionated, and inherited our father's stubborness and over-critical attitude. I don't bring it up around him, I always played elf wizards and halfling rogue when he DMed, those were the days...so yes, I try to stear the conversation away from it, but it comes up on occasion.

I must say, I dreaded reading the response to my post. I have a bad habit of underestimating other people's empathy. While my childhood didn't have anything as traumatic as yours (and I dearly hope you've been able to cope with that horrible event) it wasn't very much fun at the same time. I was a scrawny atheist kid who didn't play sports in a very small, very religious community, so I never really had any friends for most of my childhood, and those I did have often ended up being very bad friends when it came down to it...ack, rambling, gotta get some sleep.

So, goodnight and goodluck to both Pyro and Morrandir.

Morrandir
2007-08-27, 02:42 AM
Thank you, it does help just knowing that someone out there knows the truth.

As for your problem, tell me more about it, it's how I've been able to cope this long :smallwink:

And that depression you say you sometimes suffer from? It may be a result of this, subconsciously. If you could tell me more about it, I might be able to help you track down what might spark it off. Granted, I'm no doctor, but I have street cred.

I've had hours to rethink my life, and everything makes sense now. Everything I've done has been me, subconsciously, trying to make things right. Though that's a story for the man with the doctorate being paid $90 an hour to play tic-tac-toe by himself while I tell it. :smallamused:

Feeling too relieved and pensive to sleep, oddly, so I'll just be browsing about if you have an urge to look back in the next little while.

I'm da Rogue!
2007-08-27, 04:20 AM
My country (Greece) is on fire :smalleek:

Our meditteranean forests are almost all burnt, and ancient Olympia is now surrounded by ashes instead of olive-trees..

Many people died and many of my friends' villages no longer exist.

I know we can not discuss politics here (it is a matter of politics) but since there is this thread, I post here.

I feel so sad.. :smallfrown:

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-08-27, 09:10 AM
I have been lax in my duties to this thread. Time to do some replying.

@ Pyro: Have you considered the possibility of using antidepressants seasonally? It may be just the help you need to see your way through those tough months. I recommend consulting your doctor and seeing what can be done.

@ Methodical: I can empathize with the pain caused by a loved one. I end each call with my dad, "I love you." His response, "Okay, Rob." :smallconfused: It kinda hurts. I talked to him about it once, and he tried to reply with "I love you too," but it didn't last long. To this day, all I get is, "Okay, Rob." Sometimes, the best you can hope for is that things don't change for the worse.

@ Morrandir: I'm pleased to report that you have not lost COMPLETE control. It takes a great deal of personal, inner strength to recognize that you have a problem and that it is beyond your ability to handle alone. That you are actually DOING something about it is a FANTASTIC sign! Make no mistake, we're here to help. But we can only do so much via the internet. It's up to YOU to get help in the real world, and you are doing so. WELL DONE! :smallsmile:

@ da Rogue: All I can do for you is offer my sincere condolences. If you don't know me by now, I wish I could do much more for many people. We have an actual "fire season" here in Arizona, in which entire comunities live in fear, and are sometimes consumed. The most I can give you right now are two online hugs. One to use right now, and the other to keep in your pocket in case of emergencies. *HUG* *HUG*

I'm da Rogue!
2007-08-27, 09:47 AM
@ da Rogue: ...The most I can give you right now are two online hugs. One to use right now, and the other to keep in your pocket in case of emergencies. *HUG* *HUG*

Thanx a lot Bor, I'll keep the 2nd safe in my pocket.

Oh, and Rush rule!! :smallsmile:

*hugs back*

Morrandir
2007-08-27, 01:09 PM
@ Morrandir: I'm pleased to report that you have not lost COMPLETE control. It takes a great deal of personal, inner strength to recognize that you have a problem and that it is beyond your ability to handle alone. That you are actually DOING something about it is a FANTASTIC sign! Make no mistake, we're here to help. But we can only do so much via the internet. It's up to YOU to get help in the real world, and you are doing so. WELL DONE! :smallsmile:

Thank you. At this point, talking here is enough to keep me going until the appointment.

Also... did you happen to frequent a store called Gamenightz?

Trog
2007-08-27, 03:26 PM
Trog Update:

Started my third medication now. The second meds I was taking put me in really black moods. :smallfrown: This new stuff has a list of possible side effects longer than your arm but so far so good. Slight drowsiness but that seems to be all. Hopefully this one works better. Though it is maybe four times as expensive. :smallsigh:

Generally things are going well at chez Trog. My son's birthday is this week and we hit the Mall of America for presents and ran to Ikea to get things to dress up the homestead a bit. Got to hand it to the Swedes. Meatballs, blondes, and furniture. They do it all well. :smalltongue:

Pyro
2007-08-27, 04:31 PM
I would talk to my docters, but I have a real hard time opening up and telling stuff about myself and to kids I know. Also I don't want my parents to know. I'm afraid if they know my brothers will find out and they treat me differently. They'll be thinking "O don't hurt his feelings. He's unstable and and he may do something irrational". Then I really can't lean on my friends very much. They just don't get it, always harassing me about being a closed book. Sometimes some friends I know will tell me all their personal stuff after only a few months of knowing them, and they expect me to do the same. I don't because I find the notion of "trading" secrets stupid and I'm usually not ready to tell my friends secrets at that point. This has led to quite a few arguments with my friends, but thats another story. I also have a reputation of being sorta an emo kid. Somewhat regular exchange with random kids:

Annoying person: Ewwwww Nirvana's emo!!!!!
Me: No they aren't!!!!!!:smallfurious:

I don't want to tell anyone of my friends and feed an already annoying fire. Thats pretty much all of it. I don't think it'll be as much as a problem this year though. When it was its worst about two years ago I was younger and couldn't deal with it. Then last year was sorta turbulent for various reasons. This year should be better. I'm expecting some mood swings from high to low, and periods of general melancholy, but I should due better this time. Hah that last statement sounds like like I'm on a test. Thats about it...

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-08-27, 05:51 PM
Hmmm...Well, apparently I'll be moving to Italy to live with an Italian babe. :smallwink:

@ Morrandir: Here's my official memory of the name of all game stores: "I went to the game store today." So...Gamenightz? No clue. :smallconfused:

@ Trog: Sometimes you have to work through the cons to work with the pros. :smallwink: My meds do some goofy things to my brain functions. I become forgetful. I...ummm...what was I saying? *ahem* That is, strange things happen to my ability to do math. For example, this morning, I multiplied 2000 by 4 and came up with 4000. So my brain stumbles a bit, but the key is that I'm NOT suicidal, which I would have to say is the worst of my symptoms. Weigh the pros and cons before jumping from med to med.

Just my two cents. :smallwink:

@ Pyro: There's going to come a time when you're going to have to trust someone. Sure, you can trust us not to tell your family. That's easy. :smallwink: If you want to have the help in the "real" world, however, you really should try to find someone whom you can trust to give you genuine aid.

Morrandir
2007-08-27, 06:52 PM
Little store in the Metrocenter mall, I went there while I was living in Phoenix for college.

Small update, Thursday morning, I go to the docs.

smellie_hippie
2007-08-28, 07:40 AM
@Pyro: Any chance that you can talk to some of your friends about the less significant things? No need to bare your soul to them in one big gush... but some of the less weighty things? Just a thought. You might find through that kind of exchange, that some friends are more capable of listening and sympathizing than they appear to on the surface.

@Trog: Hope the new combo works out better.

@others: Keep coming here... the advice is great!

(returns to lurk mode.)

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-08-28, 08:51 AM
Morrandir, that's great news about the doc. As for that game store, it's where I bought my current Chess set. Unfortunately, as far as I could tell from my last visit to Metrocenter Mall, the store is gone. :smallfrown:

Something I failed to mention though in my last post that you had brought up. You said that talking here will get you through until your appointment. I must confess that this thread is often theraputic for me as well. And on two different levels.

The first is being able to come here and vent. While many of my problems are above the average forum-goers capacity to handle, it's nice to find a sympathetic ear, and the occasional empathetic ear. In a way, I've found a place to receive group therapy, but the group stops in one at a time and says something at varying hours during the session. :smallwink:

The other aspect is helping folks. While the rest of the world may look at me as though I've sprouted antenae for being a nice guy, it's appreciated here. While my ego is almost non-existent thanks to my depression, it gets a small boost from people who come to this thread when they give me a simple thanks. It helps make me feel better about being me. :smallsmile:

But please keep in mind that this is NOT therapy. We're friendly folk, not professionals...for the most part. ("Pay no attention to that Hippie behind the curtain!") :smallbiggrin:

smellie_hippie
2007-08-28, 08:57 AM
But please keep in mind that this is NOT therapy. We're friendly folk, not professionals...for the most part. ("Pay no attention to that Hippie behind the curtain!") :smallbiggrin:

Truer words were never spoken my Barbarian friend. :smallamused:

Come here for help and advice. Come here to vent. Come here for perspective, and a chance to juggle some ideas that you are struggling to put into coherent thoughts...

But please, if here is not enough to help, then get help where it is available.

Trog
2007-08-28, 09:17 AM
@ Trog: Sometimes you have to work through the cons to work with the pros. *snip* Weigh the pros and cons before jumping from med to med.

The second med made me suicidal (black moods = suicidal) and very very often. Which is completely against my character and was happening even during what should have been happy moments. I don't think much weighing is necessary. The stuff made me worse so I am not taking it ever again. Doctor, schmoctor. I switched back to the old stuff for a month while I waited to see my doc, even. He crossed out both the previous meds and now I'm on this one.

smellie_hippie
2007-08-28, 10:25 AM
Good call there Trog. Black Moods = BAD! :smallfrown:

The thing about docs and medications, is that they have a good understanding about how they should work. But they're not at home with you, monitoring your every reaction, and only have a 10-30 minute window during your appointment to get a read on your feelings. You go in on a good day, and they're not likely to change things around...

If it ain't working, get it fixed... pronto!

Dinkyass
2007-08-28, 10:36 AM
My dog just died... I know this probably seems like one of the less important problems out there, but I loved that dog dearly. We had to opt for euthanasia because the poor guy had a terminal illness, and we just couldn't bare to let him suffer anymore... Now I feel regret because I wanted a little more time with him, and now its too late to take it back... :smallfrown:

Skippy
2007-08-28, 11:34 AM
That's terribly sad, I'm too sorry for you... It's always sad to lose someone dear, but yet, it is a good thing to save your dog from suffering. I'd rather let go of someone than seeing them suffer...

Your dog is better off now... But still, you have my condolences...

smellie_hippie
2007-08-28, 05:18 PM
I'm very sorry for your loss. :smallfrown:

Pyro
2007-08-28, 08:37 PM
Sorry about your pet. Losing an animal is never good, and very sad. Pets make up so much of our life, that when we lose them it feels like we're missing a part of ourselves. I know it may sound like replacing your old pet, but the best advice I can give is to get a new animal as soon as you feel ready.

On my side:
I know I probably should get someone to talk to, but as I've said before I don't think many of my friends would get it. I once told one of my friends almost a year ago and this was the exchange:

Me: Blah Blah Blah...
Friend: Wow that sucks.
Me: Yeah I know
Friend: Well you know what I do when I'm feeling down. I get a big bowl of nachos and sit down in front of the TV. That always makes me feel better.
Me: Thanks...:smallannoyed:

How do you talk to someone about something who doesn't understand it? Then theres how to even start the conversation. Talk about a potential awkward silence. I could start off with smaller stuff, but the only things that bother me are uber big secrets. Sigh..

FoE
2007-08-28, 08:37 PM
I'm sorry about your dog. I never owned a dog, but when I used to deliver papers in high school, there used to be this dog named Coda on my route that I would bring scraps and dog biscuits to. Coda was kept chained-up all the time in her yard, so I would occasionally sneak her out of the yard for walks, because I felt so bad for her. Before I had to go to college I took her for a walk and she bit another dog, so the owner said I couldn't visit her anymore.

When I came home from my first semester I went to see her, but she was gone and I heard later she died. I wish I had done more to help that stupid mutt.

:smallfrown: Oh ****, now I'm crying. I'm sorry. God, I can't do anything right. Everything I touch turns to ****.

MethodicalMeat
2007-08-28, 11:38 PM
Wow, I've been away too long it seems, I've missed some things.
At any rate, thanks to the people who gave friednly, encouraging replies, honestly, I still fear scorn every time I mention my new sub-culture. I've embraced it a lot more, to the point where it doesn't feel "weird" anymore, though I have yet to tell anyone close to me. I almost told my mom, hinted at it during a long talk. She said whatever it is, she's compeltly behind me, one hundred percent as long as it isn't hurting anyone, or is horribly illegal, and since it's neither of those, I feel relatively relieved about her support, though I"m still leery of spelling it out exactly. But oh well.

A friend of mine recently lost a pet. She's been offline for a couple days, and I don't blame her. I hold my whole family dear, whether they have four legs or two, and I'm sure your dog went happy, warm, and safe, and that's the best way to go. Aww, jeez, now I'm tearing up, anyways, e-hugs, and remember the good times, alright?:smallsmile:

Vuzzmop
2007-08-29, 02:44 AM
My dog Gus had to be put down a couple of years ago. He had cancer in his back legs, and was in a lot of pain. Having a pet put down in that kind of situation is a far better solution than allowing them to die in pain. I felt terrible at first but I soon realised the suffering he was in. Like Bor, I would like to present you all with a free internet hug, and a cookie. Coookies are universally loved!

DarkLightDragon
2007-08-29, 07:14 AM
My dog just died... I know this probably seems like one of the less important problems out there, but I loved that dog dearly. We had to opt for euthanasia because the poor guy had a terminal illness, and we just couldn't bare to let him suffer anymore... Now I feel regret because I wanted a little more time with him, and now its too late to take it back... :smallfrown: I hope you feel better soon. Having to say goodbye to a pet is always upsetting.

Anyway, time for a DLD update:

Life is diffilcult for me at the moment- certain teenage issues, homework (difficult, lots of it overdue, big trouble for me if I don't get one in tomorrow, poor concentration, distracted easily...), GITP, admin position on another forum (the main admin is away so I'm looking after all the members at the moment)... IT'S TOO FREAKIN' MUCH! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! BAD MOOD! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

It's mainly the homework that's upsetting me. I've got quite a few assignments. They are overdue. I find myself unable to do it without help, and not much of that is available, as mum is busy with her own stuff and dad has been interstate for a business trip for a few days and is coming home late tonight. Not to mention I have issues with asking for help. Anyway, because all of this, and trying to do some assignments at the same time and forgetting about others completely, they all end up being overdue. And the teachers get annoyed because I haven't done it, because I was doing something else, which I probably also don't get done, and it keeps going on.

While trying to work, I get stressed because I can't spend as much time on the forums as I like, then I log onto those forums anyway, distracting me from homework. I try to have a break from the forums for a while but I keep going back. I can't help it.

What the hell is the point of going to school next year if I can't do a lot of the work on my own? :smallconfused:

I want to crawl into a corner, curl up in a ball and cry. Or scream. Or try to beat the crap out of someone... :smallfrown:

I'm on meds, and feeling like that? I know it doesn't cure depression, and my parents say I've improved with the meds, but I still get all GRRRRRRR! alot...

I is very confused! :smallconfused:

Is is also very annoyed! :smallannoyed:

:smallsigh:

Quincunx
2007-08-29, 08:44 AM
On my side:
I know I probably should get someone to talk to, but as I've said before I don't think many of my friends would get it. I once told one of my friends almost a year ago and this was the exchange:

Me: Blah Blah Blah...
Friend: Wow that sucks.
Me: Yeah I know
Friend: Well you know what I do when I'm feeling down. I get a big bowl of nachos and sit down in front of the TV. That always makes me feel better.
Me: Thanks...:smallannoyed:


Sooooo what are you pissed about? Pissed that he suggested something to help you? Pissed that it didn't work? Pissed that his perspective didn't match yours?

Attilargh
2007-08-29, 10:39 AM
Warning: The following might not make much sense.


I'm having some problems with school, among other things. Namely, my third year of upper secondary school started a couple of weeks ago, and I'm already fed up with it all. I can't be arsed to do any homework or to study for the tests, which lead to only marginal passes, which leads to a sour mood for much of the remaining day. Just today, I had a maths test and had to write two history essays. I blew the test and only managed to write one of the essays. (Granted, I've never been a fast writer.)

And you know what's the funny thing? A few years back, I sometimes just snapped with the amount of homework I was doing. I spontaneously got angry at my books, threw them at the wall and spent the next few minutes crying over how I had no life beyond that cursed homework.

Well, now I just don't have a life, period. I go to school, spend the breaks either reading or surfing the net, get bored out of my skull during the lessons and then go home to - you guessed it - surf the net. My social life consists mainly of two guys who I talk with in school, and people on IRC. I only have the faintest of clues where any of them live.

My social isolation is probably because I'm pretty damn shy. When I was 10 or so, I was being bullied almost constantly, which left me with a fear of what people think about me. I'm ashamed to admit it, but when I first saw the guy who would soon become one of my closest friends - this very open, cheerfully geeky kind of person - I thought "oh God, please don't let him come talk to me"; I was afraid he would draw the attention of the local jerks back at me, after a few blessed years of peace. Instead, we became friends and I found role-playing games and eventually this forum. Close call if ever there was one, eh?

My shyness is probably best illustrated by the following: I can't recall ever hugging a girl, let alone kissing one. I'm eighteen, in case you're wondering. (I will probably be soon assured that this is not, in fact, an extraordinary situation, but it won't be much of a relief.) I've also had a steadily-growing crush on a girl for a couple of years now, and still haven't got the faintest of clues as to how I could express it. She has asked me to go to concerts with her a couple of times, though, so maybe there is hope yet. (I'm hoping to see Nightwish with her this December.)

Speaking of her, she seems to have a tendency to do homework into late night, and she gets results accordingly. Besides being a little worried for the long-term effects of so little sleep, I'm also a bit jealous. I know it's petty - I think we've had pretty much the same grades thus far - but I can't help but compare it to my non-studying and feel lazy. (I also can't seem to help whining about my lack of motivation while in her presence. Bugger. :smallannoyed: )

That's another funny thing: I haven't done homework since I began in upper secondary, and nonetheless have managed to get above-average grades. My crush actually once commented she had thought I spent all my waking hours studying. Moral of the story: I need to work on the first impression I'm giving to people.

I can't think of a convenient way to artfully slide the topic to the sour moods that follow those marginally-successful tests. Oh well.

Our school food is not the best in the world. Actually, I might go as far as to call it pretty damn horrible. This is not a good thing, as most of my really important tests happen a couple of hours after lunch, and I've usually had time to grow hungry again in that time. The thing is, if I happen to mess anything up (or just am real tired) while my tummy's calling out for nourishment, it royally honks me off to the point where I want to destroy furniture, maim people and scream my anguish to the four winds. (I'm not kidding; there is a fist-sized dent in my door from one of these bouts of frustration.) This is then followed by a bout of depression wherein I go through a list of any faults I can find in myself, wallow in general self-pity, and think of such cheerful thoughts as traffic accidents. All the while some sensible part of me is wondering if I should get some help, and some cynical part is pointing out that I'm just being angsty and annoying, and that I should eat something. These bouts don't usually last very long, but sometimes they get slightly scary, like in the Case of Broken Door above, or just today when I honestly wondered if my sane moments are just periods of delirium and the despair my normal state of being.

I'm better now, but I've got another maths test tomorrow, and a full-blown exam the day after. Sometimes I really hate school.


Also: Omigawd, wall of text! Thanks for reading my ramblings, I really had to get them off my chest. :smallsmile:

Serpentine
2007-08-29, 11:05 AM
:smallfrown: Oh ****, now I'm crying. I'm sorry. God, I can't do anything right. Everything I touch turns to ****.
If it makes you feel any better, I didn't see anything there spontaneously resemble fecal matter. Certainly not the crying. I know the feeling, though :smallfrown:

MethodicalMeat
2007-08-29, 11:44 AM
Attilargh,that whole bit makes perfect sense to me, to a cerain extent, I know the feeling. I've gotten so frustrated with my math homework that I've sat in a corner of my room and cried like I hadn't cried since middle-school. I got picked on a lot when I was younger too, didn't really have any friends. I'm eighteen now, I still haven't forgiven a single one of those bullies, there's a special place in the blackest part of my heart for each of them. It's not a healthy situation for me. I've only recently started to come out of my shell myself, and I only have one or two people who I really consider friends, one of which I never see anymore, and the other of which has an attention demanding girlfriend who wont take her claws out of him long enough for us to get together and play a freaking of D&D! Okay...yes I'm a little bitter, I've rambled a bit. Anyways, talk, talk, talk to us man, you said yourself it helps, I know it helps me.
Here's an e-hug.:smallsmile:

Attilargh
2007-08-29, 12:03 PM
Actually, I was mainly referring to how the message lacks logial structure and rambles a bit. Thanks for the hug, and have one yourself. *hug*

Morrandir
2007-08-29, 12:22 PM
DarkLight: I know how it goes. I'm an admin myself, though we do have a collection of mods and high-standing members with small management powers.

Personally, I managed the late homework by doing them one at a time. Do the most crucial one first, then take a break and move on to the next. You might even be able to come here for help, provided, of course, your definition isn't 'What's the answer to X?" That way, you get some assistance, and your forum fix.


Attil, just a couple things from me:

One, on homework: Try to set some goals before you start surfing. I don't mean finish the whole assignment, but maybe just do 10 problems, then spend a few minutes on a break.

On girls: You like her, she obviously likes you, GO FOR IT. One of the things I regret is never having asked a girl out in high school. I only ever went out when I was asked and when it was in a group. It's obvious there's something she likes about you, considering she's asked you to concerts several times, despite your answer, which I assume was no.

Hoggy
2007-08-30, 06:50 PM
I have come to the conclusion that I must have anger-managment problems or somesuch.

So, I go out last night with some friends to a beach party.Driving, so cannot drink etc, great, chance for me to be resposible and not do anything stupid. I still end up getting dragged away from a fight. Woohoo.

I hate being me sometimes.

I'm da Rogue!
2007-08-30, 06:51 PM
:smallmad: :smallmad: :smallmad:
Bored outa me life. And I feel angry too. Argh.

ocato
2007-08-30, 07:09 PM
I am afraid that that makes up the lion's share of my life dear. We have to find things to do and people to do them to.

I mean with.

There should be a personal's site that's for gaming. Instead of 'looking for swf for make outs in coolsville' is more like 'Seeking D&D 3.5 group in coolsville (make outs optional)'

ImpFireball
2007-08-31, 01:41 AM
On my side:
I know I probably should get someone to talk to, but as I've said before I don't think many of my friends would get it. I once told one of my friends almost a year ago and this was the exchange:

Me: Blah Blah Blah...
Friend: Wow that sucks.
Me: Yeah I know
Friend: Well you know what I do when I'm feeling down. I get a big bowl of nachos and sit down in front of the TV. That always makes me feel better.
Me: Thanks...:smallannoyed:

How do you talk to someone about something who doesn't understand it? Then theres how to even start the conversation. Talk about a potential awkward silence. I could start off with smaller stuff, but the only things that bother me are uber big secrets. Sigh..

Dude, you're lucky you even got friends to associate with in that manner. I've had many friends myself, but they've all drifted away (I could keep in contact, but the whole 'bond' issue is pretty much gone as of right now). I'm 18, but it seems like my 'failure' to allow myself to mature into a full fledged adult had something to do with it.

BTW, secrets are inane. Act tough and drive them out of people if you really feel up to it. Otherwise, focus on life and work like hell, 'cause it'll supposedly pay off.

AD's haven't worked for me either, though; literally. Seriously, all I get is this little 'tingly' feeling in my mind. It gives me a light mood but then I realize that I gotta punish myself and get on with things a little. Then it all dissappears. It's cheap ****, really. Hopefully in the future, they'll have better **** than simple ADs that give you a light feeling (maybe something like say, a personality arrangement). I mean, it's great if you wanna take your mind off the nearly endless black hole, but I always remember the reason for this. I gotta be stronger if I wanna survive at all.

I admit that I do hate myself. But I've got a reason. It isn't hard to explain. I'm ****in ostracized, and that's it. The plain man simply has to be tougher, and plainly I believe our culture isolates the ostracized even further.

I'm also annoyed that I haven't bothered to truly achieve or make anything up until now, and that everyone else my age (when I was younger) was all in the 'get involved' attitude, but still not entirely the 'high on life' attitude.

I'm even afraid to stare at children. I'd probably screw up a babysitting job (not that I'm young enough anymore). Pah.

Nevertheless depression is a terrible thing, I do admit. But there are definitely worse things in the world (that's easy for anyone to say I imagine).

I'll check back later on this thread.

For now,

Cheers.

- Impy >=E

Last note: Don't worry about 'awkwardness'. They invented small talk for a reason. Partly to create a dull impression. In any case, humans are capable of more intimacy then you could possibly imagine. Many do understand aside from the horribly ignorant and the stupid. I understand that it can be incredibly ****ing uncomfortable to express yourself, but it simply has to be done. No matter what you do, you'll still exist so get used to it. The impression you get from being looked after by your family isn't what life really is. You'll have to work to adapt to the lifestyle. Many people, ie., get yelled at by their boss, and others fear tramautization, but just don't worry. Social impressions that you view as 'normal' aren't normal. Just adapt a little better. Get over the whole 'softness' issue. If anything, you can make others feel uncomfortable with your rowdyness, but so's the way of things.

Now, IMP OUT!

- Impy >=E

DarkLightDragon
2007-09-04, 12:55 AM
Well... I've found out why I've been sick for the past few months.

Turns out the iron levels in my blood are so low that they're affecting blood count. That has something to do with oxygen. Bad. I'm taking some iron supplement stuff and am going to eat more stuff with iron in it. I don't fancy going on a drip for a few hours. :smallyuk:

Ghhhhhhh... *shakes head*

There's a few moments like that. Let's hope it passes soon.

DarkLightDragon
2007-09-08, 07:21 AM
*bump*

Not really feeling constantly sick anymore, but still taking the iron stuff and still pretty tired. And I still have a cold. But other than those things, I'm okay.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-09-08, 09:28 AM
Erg... You know what I hate. People lying to me. It was my major complaint in that job interview thread. Well, now I hate Borders.

Sigh, I pulled off an ungodly interview, every statement I made went back to selling myself in a subtle way, reminding them that I love reading, I know what I'm talking about, I have experience in sorting books through volunteer work at the library, I have tons of experience in talking with customers, being friendly ((Hell, considering how nervous I was, I was lucky to be able to talk rather than my, "Uh-huhs")). But I guess none of that matters since the manager I was interviewed by doesn't work there anymore. They said they'd call that weekend telling me whether or not I had the job.

The worst part was when I went to talk to the new manager. I called on Tuesday, she said that the machines could only be accessed on Thursday. Well, I had class on Thursday, which is right down the street.

I get there, and instantly I knew I had no shot. "Hi, I'm here to start my shift, where's Judy?" said a girl behind me.

So they hired people, hm... wait a second, I was starting to see a trend with the employees the did hire.

Well, when Judy did come out, I knew she was lying right away. Worst @#$%in' liar ever.

"I'm sorry, did you fill out an application?"
"Yes, I've already had an interview, I was just wondering if you were considering me for a future employee."
"O! I'm sorry, we're only hiring part time."
"But I signed up to work part time."
"I'm sorry, we aren't hiring right now."

Grr... If I was a violent angry person, I'd probably be imprisoned right now. Luckily, I'm just one of those people who shrug it off, and take out my anger on AMENites. ((Very effect stress tool.))

sktarq
2007-09-08, 12:53 PM
Well I've moved into town, moved three of the friends who I moved into the town for out, two more are moving out at the end of the month, realized most of my other friends are drunks, and been unable to get to the places where I let go because they have been on fire....the second largest fire in the 100 years of good record keeping here in California. Those hillsides-especially the hills that burned last were my second home and much more my sanctuary-even when on the coast-Just knowing they were there like a old friend's number stored in the cellphone.

anycase there's my pseudo rant...enjoy

Methodiacal-at the risk of sounding totally disconected from modern life-what is a "fuzzy"?

MethodicalMeat
2007-09-08, 01:30 PM
Did I say fuzzy? Oopsie, meant to say "furry". If you're not sure, wikipedia's a good place to go and find out, or I suppose I could take a crack at explaining it.

A furry is a person who identifies with an anthropomorphic alter-ego, often mentally and sexually. There are different "tiers" of furries out there, ranging from people like me (who just roleplay their anthropomorphic self in internet chat rooms that cater to my little sub-culture) to people who stitch together elaborate "fur-suits" and go to conventions to mingle with other like-minded individuals. Let me know if that cleared it up a bit, I'd be happy to try and explain it further if you, or anyone else has any questions.

Sorry to hear about your friendship issues, if it helps, I've had difficulties with friends myself in the past few years, a number of falling-outs (some were my fault, some weren't), a few moving aways, and even a murder connected to one of them, fun times, eh? Hope you start having better luck with that, good friends are very hard to find these days.

sktarq
2007-09-08, 03:08 PM
I realize I have good friends in the stangest places actually almost all my friends have moved very far away or where from there. But with the exception of the one moving to Thailand at the end of the month the nearest are in the bay area and most are in Europe, South America, New Zealand or the Far East.......Not too surprizingly I've been thinking about traveling again...just have to save up some cash.

and yes that explination cleared up my ignorance quite well, thank you

MethodicalMeat
2007-09-08, 05:04 PM
Well, I'm glad to hear that you've got good friends, even if they are a bit spread out. Keep in touch with them, even if it's just a quick email now and then or a phone call here and there.

Glad I could clear it up for you, Knowing is Half the Battle!

Dallas-Dakota
2007-09-10, 03:20 PM
I'm tired of life.

Just tired of life..............

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-09-10, 05:36 PM
Dallas...can't help without detail. Unless that was merely shamless advertisement for your CitD nomination.

In the world of Bor, I'm afraid I must report that I have been kicked in the emotional jewels. It'll take a Bor story to explain it, so off we go.

Many, many moons ago, I had a friend named Tara. She was part of a group that I would hang out regularly in high school, and I must confess I had a bit of a crush on her. I never pursued her because of what I now realize was a silly reason. Her father was an undercover narcotics officer, and I was always afraid somehow breaking the heart of a girl whose father owned guns. Yes, I avoided ever asking her out because I was afraid of her father.

The years went by, and Tara slipped from my memory.

While I despise my high school years with a passion, I would find myself visitng Classmates.com to peek in on who was where and what they were doing in life. (Oh, look...there's the girl who cheated on me with THREE DIFFERENT GUYS! And she says she's in a committed relationship now. AH HAHAHAHAHAHA!) On one such visit, I spied Tara had joined up. Thus, I sent her a message to say hello.

A friendship was reborn! She and I would talk online daily. We caught up on the past, shared a great deal about the present, and...well, it was nice to have someone with whom I could be nostalgic. Those years were filled with various kinds of pain, but our group was a fun lot, and we had a few laughs recalling our various adventures.

Now, I can fully understand that one's life becomes busy, and there's little time to chat it up online. My life is unusual in that it's filled with many hours of nothing to do. Tara, a single working woman, had things to do. Thus, her absences online were not upsetting. But then weeks would go by. Then months. And I would send her the occasional e-mail asking how she was, hoping for a reply, and getting none.

Recently, I've noticed her popping online. I would try to send her a message, but she would log off before I could click "send." Something must be going on. So I sent another e-mail.

Now, one of the functions of e-mail via AOL is that I can check the status of letters sent to other members of AOL. Before I started typing this post, Tara had popped online, then popped off again. I finally got curious, went to my e-mail, and checked the status of the letter I sent only a couple of days ago...

Deleted.

Not even peeked at. My e-mail was treated as though it had been sent by someone hated, or someone that was exceptionally annoying. I honestly don't know what I said or did to receive such behavior. I'm sitting here, scratching my head, and wondering what I've done now.

There was a time when I lived with my foot in my mouth. I would remove my foot just long enough to let loose another verbal gem, and then insert my foot to continue chewing vigorously. I've grown infinitely more careful over the years, although I do slip from time to time. So I can't help but wonder what I did. What I do know is that not knowing hurts. It hurts a lot. And right now, I am feeling my depression starting to crush me. :smallfrown:

DarkLightDragon
2007-09-11, 06:10 AM
I'd say stop trying if she's not gonna talk to you, but I'm not a social person so I would see what the others have to say.

Pwenet
2007-09-11, 08:30 AM
I don't know if I can give advice quite as well as you can Bor, but I have to agree with DarkLightDragon there. Something very similar once happened to me way back in the day.

Back in High School, I had my first committed relationship, first relationship ever. Let's say that thanks to depression and the girl being a complete ***** (who apparently cheated on me as well), I was left dateless for the prom. During this time I had a really good female friend, let's call her Beth (not her real name). We talked a lot online, hung out and stuff. As the prom came up, neither of us wanted to go, so we blew it off, and went to a amusement park the next day (which was a good thing for I heard that the prom was really poor anyways).

Since this was my senior year in high school, plans were being made to go off to college over the summer. I was working a lot, and started to notice I never saw her online. I tried calling a few times, and at best I could get a hang up. I spent weeks/months wondering what happened, and eventually had to give up and move on.

Since then I have become good friends with another of her good friends, who said that she did the same thing as well to her (let's call her Kim). Now Kim has been able to reestablish contact, however I have not tried, even though I have moved back into the hometown.

Sadly people just suddenly change, or they decide that something is wrong about a friendly relationship and refuse to tell you what the issue is or try to work it out. I admit, it has been over six years since this, and sometimes I still wonder what happened.

Don't mean to step onto anyones toes or anything, but I would bet solid money that you did nothing to cause her to do this to you Bor.

DarkLightDragon
2007-09-11, 09:16 AM
You'll also be spending more time being negative if you worry about this, which is bad, and also funny coming from me because I can get negative easily and the guy I have a crush on is a cartoon character.

Try not to worry too much.

smellie_hippie
2007-09-11, 10:50 AM
The pedestal is a hard place to fall from. :smallfrown:

I'm sorry your friend has chosen to turn away from you Bor. We could theorize why she made this choice, but I don't think that's what you want from us right now. Just remember that we're here for you almost as much as you're here for us.

Dallas: I don't know what to tell you without knowing what's bothering you. You also may not want to express what's wrong, and just need our sympathetic pats on the back. Granted my friend... granted. *pat pat*

Ok, my turn. Not a lot to say, but I had a moment of feeling pretty blue this morning. I was taking a shower, and realized that things have hit a bit of a rut... which is odd. I'm pretty happy with my new job position and office staff, and get home at a much better hour in the evening. But for just a moment, I felt like things have hit a plateau. Is this it? Is this all there is for the rest of my life? I almost felt like I needed to grab a punch-card for an industrial factorywork job from the 1930's!

I'm a little better now... but it's uncommon for me to hit a funk like that. :smallfrown:

MethodicalMeat
2007-09-11, 12:55 PM
I'm terribly sorry Bor, being ignored like that really hurts, it actually happened to me just recently, I of course spent far too much time and effort trying to contact this person, even begging this person to tell me what I did wrong. No such luck, then a friend of mine told me to let it go, then gave me a hug. Normally this wouldn't help me, but for some reason, I just let it go and haven't looked back since.
So on the off chance that an e-hug will help you to, here's one from me.
*hugs*

Micate
2007-09-11, 08:16 PM
First, about me. This isn't asking for help, I've got some great friends who have even let me cry on their shoulders on one occasion. This is just my story so far.

For as long as I can remember (up untill the present), I have regarded other people's opinions far above my own. By this I mean, to this day, people can't clearly say what music I listen to, what shows I like, or just about anything else about me that could be considered an opinion. I simply won't let them know. Their opinion trumps mine, so who cares if I like oranges over apples? They like apples, so for simplicity's sake, I like apples too. Even if that is a total lie.
Once, as a young teenager, when I first let my friends know about my secret crush, they mocked me mercilessly for picking one of the less attractive girls based on her personality. Let's just say, I never even thought about her, or anyone else, again. Just an example of the kind of pressure I feel when I think about sharing my opinions (btw, I accept that this is just the way I remember it and they might not have actually been making fun of me, I was not at all in a healthy state of mind back then, and only recently discovered I even had an imaginary friend I would have full conversations with, ala John Nash in A Beautiful Mind, whom I have coincidentally been compared to on occasion...).
Speaking of MIF (My Imaginary Friend), after a few years of bottling up all the normal high school anxiety (too much homework, which I would ignore, creating all kinds of stress at home as my parents would yell and scream and "punish" me for all the constant notices they got from my teachers, despite the fact I passed all my classes anyways, while simultaneously being inundated with the stress caused by my poor social interactions and the embarassment that often ensued (again, a perception, not necessarily what anyone else thought)), I reached critical mass, and often would punch the heck out of my bedding (hitting walls/solid objects made noise/called attention to my parents, which I did NOT want), and one day during class, MIF asked me "If I had to kill one person in the world, any one person, and I knew I would get away with it; who would it be?" This prompted me to first consider a list of all the people I MIGHT want to kill and get away with, and so I angrily started listing their names. Well, as luck would have it, the person sitting next to me saw what I was writing, and reported it to the school, who then had me expelled. Biggest regret of my life by a longshot.
If I didn't think I was depressed before, I KNEW I was depressed now. My school. My second family (As it felt to me, since home was a far more stressfull place than school was) had betrayed me, and kicked me to the curb.
I was devestated. But being the careful actor I was, I didn't let on to anyone around me, and when it came time to start at a new school I even feigned enthusiasm that it was such a small school where the teachers only required as much homework as the student needed to learn the material (basically, as long as I got A's on the tests/essays, the teachers didn't care how much of the homework I did).
What I later found out was that most of the students rode the short bus. Not for lack of mental activity, but because of Touretts or Aspergers or Bipolar disordor or for whatever reason, these were students who didn't function well in normal schools. Well, other than having just been devestated by the betrayal I felt my school had done to me, I'm as normal as it gets, and as such, the teachers pretty much gave me free reign over the school. I taught far more than I learned at that school, and helped a good deal of these "problem children" to learn how to learn, if not how to (in some small way) cope with whatever ailed them.
I kind of went off on a tangent there, but I like to ramble so I'm leaving it.
Anyways, I was depressed, and one of the friends I made at this new school knew that. He realized I Never did Anything that Might offend someone, and he helped me. He listened to my problems, he let me ramble on and on about all kinds of nonsense, and when I was done, he helped me realize how full of **** I really was. On more than one occasion he lent me a shoulder to cry on, and I have to say, more than anything else, just knowing he knew what I was going through was immeasurably helpful. And together, he helped me inch my way back to normalcy. I can still remember playing cards with him, and when I realized I had lost just shouting F*** and the smile on his face was so reassuring, I didn't care that was probably the first time I had ever swore in anger. Also, we took up Boxing together, and that helped a lot with anger and frustration. I highly suggest taking up a physical, highly-competitive sport to anyone who has ever punched a wall in rage. Being able to punch the **** out of someone (or get punched the **** out of) does wonders for one's inner peace.
Fast forward a few years, here I am. Still as shy and un-opinionated as ever, but now I'm not afraid. I've faced my demons, and won. And someday when I have to face them again, I know I can beat them.
I've shared my story.
Now I'de like to be able to go back and reread all 20 pages of the thread, but I just don't have that kind of patience (plus, I can only assume people have mostly gotten the answers they were looking for by now). So, if anyone has a depressing story, and would like a happy ending, please share what you know. Talking is the first biggest step that can be made.
Nothing will ever change untill we change it.

BTW my AIM is public, and I welcome all random conversation. I don't have many friends, and am not in a position to meet anyone new, so I would love to be able to have a good conversation with anyone who needs an ear. If you're lucky, I may even help with homework/essays (although I won't do the work for you, I can only answer questions and maybe help edit your essay if I have time). Like I said, I taught more than I learned in high school, in more subjects than I took.

AIM: AFGNCAATP

Now that the self-promotion is out of the way (and I apologize for it),

Bor.
You said you had a friend, went different paths, eventually refound your friend, but suddenly they stopped listening again. My take on the situation (as a realist-optimist), is that this girl decided she just didn't have time for an internet acquaintance. I used to have a penpall for a little while, we shared emails back and forth for a month or so. But when I decided I didn't have time anymore, being the coward I am, I just stopped replying, deleted his emails, and probably made him feel pretty estranged (he had friends, I'm sure he got over it). The only advice I can give is for you to wait a while before trying to contact her again, and have her explain what's going on in her life or in her head that she doesn't want to bother with an old friend anymore. I really do hope by the time you write her again she has found time for you again, but in the event she doesn't, you have to be prepared and know that these things happen.
I wish you best of luck.
*hugs*

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-09-11, 08:22 PM
I response to those who have replied to my problem, I would like to say that the loss of a friendship is old hat for me. No big deal, really. What's most upsetting is not knowing WHY. Usually when people vanish into the woodwork, I understand it as me simply being too much to handle. I have so much baggage that I come with an existential baggage handler. However, there's usually some sign as to why it's happening. This time...nothing. One day we're chatting happily, and then...poof, she's gone and ignoring me.

I'd respond to others and their posts, but this particular day is rather rough for me. You can check on the "where were you" thread that's been active today for an explanation.

Until I'm up to saying more, I hope that everyone is well.

Raiser Blade
2007-09-12, 12:20 AM
[disclaimer to the following post] I am a perpetually happy person and nothing seems to keep me down for long. I am mostly posting here to say that any of you who have medical problems, which are making you sad, can pm me and i can be a sympathetic ear. [disclaimer]


I am 15 turning 16 this year. When i was 13 i was diagnosed with crohns disease. Baically these last two years have been a blur of medical procedures, intense pain, various tests, and special diets. I spent 52 days straight in a hospital at the beggining of this year. Crohns has no cure and it is chronic meaning i may very well have it for the rest of my life.
My family has been very supportive and so have most (if not all) of my friends.

So basically if you want to talk about some health issue thats getting you down, or if you just wan't a sympathetic ear i will be willing to listen.

Thanks for listening to me and also for providing a fun place to be when i am too tired to go outside. :smallsmile:

13_CBS
2007-09-12, 01:03 AM
*Sigh* I almost feel ashamed for posting my own little problems when everyone else here has something truly devastating happen to them, but...

Strangely, lately I've started to become more and more apathetic. Now, when life gets tough for people, some either hide it with a smile while they let it hurt inside, while others do end up becoming gloomy. My response has been to become emotionally detached, almost machine like. I very rarely smile or crack jokes anymore, I've started skipping meals, etc.

The most annoying part is that I can't quite figure out what's causing it. I'm wondering if it was because of a break up I had back in May when a girlfriend, a result from a very long time crush, told me that she just wanted to stay friends. I never felt like I got a satisfactory answer from her as to why she wanted to just stay friends. Oh, and the fact that whenever I look at her nowdays I feel both sick to the stomach and deeply hurt doesn't help much.

Aside from the whole girl issue, I've become, as I've said, more and more apathetic. My classmates, since they realize that it's senior year, have started to participate in wild and crazy antics that everyone laughs about. Everyone but me, that is. Either I don't find it funny or I find it incredibly stupid, wondering why my classmates could act in such an immature fashion. The friends I made during freshman to junior year no longer talk to me or even contact me in any form or fashion anymore, and even the very close friend with whom I was helping develop a campaign setting of his has stopped doing such things with me anymore. Finally, I've become more cynical now and far less jolly. I can almost never see things in a positive light anymore, especially with myself.

Hmm...I'm afraid that by the end of the year I'll be some lonely, forgotten member of the Class of 2008, the guy who almost never cracked a smile in his senior year, never went to any of the parties or the last Prom, the guy who lost all of his good, close friends that he made since freshman year.

Hmm. By now the cynical side of me has started to kick in and is berrating me for posting this message, a pathetic cry for attention among people who really , truly deserve love and support. :smallannoyed:

Urgh, that's probably why she decided for us to just be friends. I can't imagine that she would enjoy dating a whiner.

Xykon_Fan
2007-09-12, 01:24 AM
@Bor: I'm sorry for what you're going through. That's really hard to go through, I'm sure, though I, at only 17, haven't had to go through that and hopefully never will. If it makes you feel any better, your sig has recently inspired me to begin using the phrase "Be well" as a goodbye. People seem to actually be blessed by it, and I'm happy that I decided to break form and copy someone, though I'm sure I couldn't find many people better to copy than you.

@CBS: Please, don't discount your problems. I went through the same thing for a long time, and only within the past few weeks have I started to be alive again after two years of apathy. I would laugh at small things, but I had cut out too big a piece of my heart to truly be happy at the big things. Yeah, it was hard to piece it back together, but I'm happier for it despite feeling both ecstatic bliss and deep depression now occasionally. It's really not too bad. Even when I feel horrible, I'm happy at feeling again at all.

My advice is to get closure with that girl if you can. If she won't talk to you, I suggest you talk the whole thing over with someone who is willing to be around you and see you express whatever emotions surface. Then, when you do that, express everything you would feel but normally bottle up.

You need to move past this. Trust me, while you'll learn a lot about yourself, you'll be miserable for a long time before you're okay again.

And never, ever feel sorry that you brought an issue to us. It's what we're here for.

tsuyoshikentsu
2007-09-12, 01:38 AM
D'y'know what sucks?

Meeting a cute girl who you have a bunch in common with, then, after an hour, having her straight-up telling you to your face that she'll never date you because you remind her of an insane ex.

Wolfgang
2007-09-12, 02:27 AM
To 13_CBS: Regarding your classmates and friends and such, have you tried approaching them with things to do? A common occurrence, especially as high school and college drag on, is for the people you knew before to drift away. Perhaps because they're just as apathetic as you are. They think "well, if he wants to hang out with me, he'll contact me." They all wait for the other person to make the move to stay friends and then they never do. It's a sad mess.

Really, I think you should make the effort. Even if you find their antics stupid, at least you can look back later and say you tried. And in the best case, you have some good times with people who will probably remain your friends for a good while.

To tsuyoshikentsu: Yes, it does suck. Girls are crazy.

To Bor the Barbarian Monk: You may never understand why your friend stopped talking to you. That's a rough thing to accept for the vast majority of humanity, but asking her about it, even in passing once in a blue moon, is quite likely to make it worse. If she wants to talk, she'll come to you. This probably won't make you feel as good as speculation on her motives, but it's all I got.

And to everyone, in the immortal words of Red Green: "Remember, I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together."

eidreff
2007-09-12, 08:08 AM
*deep breath*

Here goes.

I am a, now, reasonably happy person, and whilst not 100% with the the universe I tend to get on. A few tricks i've learnt:
1) denial does not help
2) self recrimination does not help, don't beat yourself up over stuff! dwelling on bad experiences only reinforces memories. Move on to fresh fields and feel the spring new grass beneath your feet. easier said than done i know. Have you ever noticed that some of the people who are happiest seem to have short attention spans? I think it must be because they get distracted from bad stuff by what's nice, fun and enjoyable.
3) You are not the only one... should be obvious reading the above, but if you're reading this thread you taking steps you must realise that anyway.
4) However much it takes an effort being around people can help. friends, family. You don't have to talk about much, but human beings are social animals and suffer if deprived of contact with others.

I've been single for 6 years now, partly through choice and partly through not having met anyone daft enough to put up with me, but i actually am enjoying the freedom of not being in a relationship, not having responsibilities/ties to anyone but me. (*evil grin* also torturing caring friends who try to set me up with people is truly funny). At the point the relationship ended i was gutted, felt that the bottom had dropped out of my life and that there was really nothing to live for. I was on the cusp of actually asking a girlfriend to ask me when she dropped the bombshell.

The thing that truly got me back on my feet was this though: I went for a walk somewhere quiet (a park, church, anywhere, i'm fortunate that i help manage a 79 acre wood so i went there and sat under a bridge in the shade) and i sat down and thought and sorted my priorties out. First the average person will live until they are over 70 these days, barring illhealth, accident or nuclear war. How long does that give you? Second, with upwards of 5 billion people in the world there is/are someone(s) out there for everyone. Do you not like your current situation? If not the do something about it. Yes it can be hard, but don't sit and waste your time. Get out there and meet people. Search the net for a local club, if you like it keep going. expand your social circle (hard, i know, believe me) and don't rush. At the end of the day thing happen. Be yourself and remember a frown uses more energy and muscles than a smile. so if only for the sake of the environmen give us a grin!

*phew*

hope this helps someone.

If anyone wants to message me I am a good listener, my advice isn't always the best, but i do like to try and help people.


Oh and remeber never be ashamed of a problem.

A problem shared is a problem halved.

Maryring
2007-09-12, 08:41 AM
Just remember that we're here for you almost as much as you're here for us.
Tsk tsk. What have I told you about discrediting yourself and others. It ain't healthy ya know. :smallamused: Seriously. This thread is filled with patience, compassion and understanding. Don't discredit the works of yourself or anyone else.

In other news, my new boarding school scares me. The teachers show enthusiasm, the food is great, I have my own room, and I'm not ignored by all the other students. It's an incredible change of circumstances, and it's hard to adopt to it... but I like it. I love how the other students are actually speaking to me just to speak to me, and not just to tell me to find the solution to problem x in subject y. And the change may even be enough to change me from "merely existing" to "actually living" as my mother tells me. So I'm content now.

The Great Skenardo
2007-09-12, 09:05 AM
Tsk tsk. What have I told you about discrediting yourself and others. It ain't healthy ya know. :smallamused: Seriously. This thread is filled with patience, compassion and understanding. Don't discredit the works of yourself or anyone else.

In other news, my new boarding school scares me. The teachers show enthusiasm, the food is great, I have my own room, and I'm not ignored by all the other students. It's an incredible change of circumstances, and it's hard to adopt to it... but I like it. I love how the other students are actually speaking to me just to speak to me, and not just to tell me to find the solution to problem x in subject y. And the change may even be enough to change me from "merely existing" to "actually living" as my mother tells me. So I'm content now.



Wonderful news! I'm glad that things are starting to feel more substantive for you.

Micate
2007-09-12, 10:55 AM
@CBS:

First, as everyone said, don't discredit yourself. It doesn't matter how small the problem feels, if you need help, don't be ashamed to ask for it. Also, I second what Eidriff said about going for a walk someplace you feel comfortable and thinking things over. Do something you really enjoy doing, even if you "don't feel like it". And if it can be done with friends, invite them. Set aside a fixed period of time (I always took a weekend) and declare it yours, and untill that time is up, don't stop for anything. Call your friends up randomly and if you don't have an idea what to do, ask them. It sounds silly, but really, who cares? The more you find yourself doing, the less you'll find yourself thinking about silly apathetic/depressing stuff, and the sooner you'll find yourself happy again.

Don't dwell on why. Think about now (and possibly later). Things happen, and people aren't always logical. Sometimes its just the strange connections our brains make that cause us to make a decision we'll never really understand. Just go with it and be mindfull of the next time.
Like the bumper sticker says, "S*** happens".

Namaste123
2007-09-12, 08:25 PM
Okaaay, here it goes. First, thank you for listening(reading). Anyway, to the problem. I have no social security number, I don't know how it happened, I just don't. So, I went to apply for one, but more on that later. As some may know, I'm considered a "genius", and so as a Junior in highschool, I'm trying to take college courses. So in school we had to listen to a seminar about how to register for classes. I was sitting daydreaming, until one sentence yanked me back to earth. The sentence in question? "You need a social security number to sign up for these courses." So, I just signed up for a social security, lucky, huh? Nope! After 2 weeks of waiting the SS number never came. So we go to the office, wait for an hour, just to get told that they have absolutely no record of our application. Yeah, NO RECORD WHATSOEVER. So, I have to come up with a social security number before next week is up, or I'm probably not going to be able to take these three college courses.

13_CBS
2007-09-12, 09:00 PM
Oh wow. I'm quite pleasantly surprised by this forum's reactions.

Thank you. Thank you all.

I'm afraid that I cannot do much to return the great favor that you all have given me, other than that, if you need someone to listen to you (or in this case read your post), I will be willing to do so.

Micate
2007-09-12, 11:37 PM
Namaste, I just checked the San Diego comunity college site (where I took a few classes back when I was in high school) and they had a checkbox for "no social security number". Look into whatever specific school you're applying for classes (although college websites have been possibly the second most confusing websites I've ever tried to navigate, first being SOE's retarded website) and see if there isn't some way to bypass the no SSN problem.

And as for the classes themselves, I know you didn't ask for advice here, but, avoid college classes that require essays for now. The same essay that may get an A in a senior year high school class, can get as low as a D in a first year college class depending on how strict the professor is. Unless of course, writing is you're thing, in which case you'll probably be fine.

Untill I get more specific information about what you're trying to do, though, I can't really help (I don't know anything about the process to get a SSN). My assumption though is you don't need it. It's just a convenient way for the college to uniquely identify students (I think...) and possibly keep track of their permanent record (more guessing, more parentheses. (I overruse parentheses...)).

edit: to CBS, you're welcome. I subscribed to this thread to help people, so just hearing we were able to help is its own reward.

Namaste123
2007-09-13, 05:50 PM
I'm actually going with two different colleges at once, one of them is just fine (I think) with me not having one, but the other is demanding one and the majority of my classes are with the one that is demanding an SS number. The process to get a number is basically to wait in line for an hour, get subtely asked "Are you a terrorist?" If they're satisfied the send one in the mail. We never got ours.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-09-13, 08:01 PM
Hello, Namaste, and welcome to the gears of government grinding. Your lesson for today is: governments cut red tape lengthwise, effectively creating MORE red tape. :smallannoyed:

This is NOT to be a political argument, but I am currecntly experiencing my own frustrations when it comes to a system of government caring for its people. You see, I *HAD* exciting news. I just might have found work that I could do from home! (Insert various cheering here.) LEGITIMATE work! (More cheering goes here.) Employment that was not a SCAM and did NOT ask for money up front! (Feel free to lose your voice with even MORE cheering.) The very idea energized me. The concept of EARNING a few extra hundred dollas a month would alter the way I live, and eliminate my frequent need to hold out my hand and beg for help. I'd still be living beneath poverty level, but I wouldn't care. After seven years of being unemployable, I was juiced for a change...

Enter...THE GOVERNMENT!

I receive Social Security Disability (SSD), which comes with a medical insurance called MediCare. (The day they REALLY "care" is the day I find out I was rocketed to Earth as a baby.) Because my monthly income is beneath a certain number, I also have a secondary medical insurance, which covers the 20% MediCare doesn't.

Now, due to a recent mail delivery screw-up, I missed an important notice about that secondary insurance. It would be CANCELLED because I missed an appointment. Well, one problem after another prevented me from getting down to that office, but I got there, made my appointment, and actually had the meeting that I'd missed. And while I was there, I asked how much I was permitted to earn each month, along with my SSD, before I lost that precious secondary insurance. Much to my regret, I got my answer.

$100.

That's it. I'm permitted to earn just $100 more than I get now before I would have to shell out that 20% MediCare doesn't cover.

Hmmm...Let's look at what Bor has to cover before we decide if it's worth it to lose that insurance, shall we?

1. Diabetes (in general)
2. Diabetic Neuropathy
3. Diabetic Retinopathy
4. Diabetic Nephropathy
5. Severe Recurring Depression
6. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
7. Medications for most of the above conditions
8. Various specialists to cover ALL of the above conditions

I've already had to use some tricks to get that which is not even covered by ANY insurance. For example, my doctor wanted me on a multi-vitamin. Far from the most expensive thing I need, but beyond the finances of a man on a limited income. I took the prescription to the pharmacy and was promptly denied because it was an over the counter item. Back to the doc I went, told him the problem, and he wrote a prescription for PRENATAL vitamins, which the insurance covered! (Stop chuckling! I am NOT a pregnant barbarian monk! :smallconfused: )

Thus, my quest for employment and a dramatic alteration of the way I live was tossed out the window, thanks to the restrictions of the government.

*sigh* I can't win.

Anyway, this Bor story is simply an example of just how screwy "the system" is. Thus, my advice to you, Namaste, is to assume that whatever you do when dealing with the government will take three to six months, and should you visit one of their offices on official business...bring a good book!

Micate
2007-09-13, 10:48 PM
Thank you Bor, for your elegant and poigniant words about the woes of government beauracracy. I couldn't have put it better if I spent my weekend researching all the bull**** they "claim" to do (obviously not from their lips, and with my procrastination, wasn't likely to happen anyways, sorry Namaste, I draw the line at what I know).

Good luck searching for more loopholes to make your life easier.

eidreff
2007-09-14, 05:43 PM
@ Namaste. It's no joke the other side of that desk either you know!

In RL i have a job behind one of those desks. You get saddled with sometimes nonsensical regulation and find youself bound up in red tape. The worst is to truly want to help somebody and be unable to do diddly squat.

On the otherhand, is it possible to speak to some kind of admin person at the college(s) to explain you predicament? They might be able to offer a work-around.

Pwenet
2007-09-15, 10:12 AM
@ Bor

My family is going through the same thing.

We adopted my little sister from Paraguay, nearly 15 years ago (WoW). She is a nice person, but suffers from epilepsy and falls under the IQ line and is considered developmentally challenged. As such she is eligible for the Social Security and Medicad, along with services to eventually help her move out into a group home, therapy and job consulting.

She has a job, working at the local Price Chopper. It is nothing special, but it gives her money. Because she lives with my parents, has no outstanding loans, does not really spend much normally, she saves money, even only working part-time there.

She can only save something like 2K TOTAL before she gets cut off from her services. She has to spend money otherwise she looses the services that she depends on. And that limit, was made in the 1960s or something like that, and has not been adjusted for inflation.

Recently her case got reevaluated, and it was feared they were going to cut her off because she is making too much money! It took my folks weeks to get a solid answer that everything was safe until next evaluation.

But the system, it needs work. It seems that the goal is to keep anyone on it in the same place for their entire lives, not letting them get the chance to get a little ahead to make some progress without loosing the services they depend on. I mean, do they expect people to suddenly be able to pay for everything out of pocket if they cross the magically line?

Plus the red tape *sighs*

I have been looking into this because my wife and I will become my sisters legal guardians if anything should happen to my folks, and I want to be prepared in case the worst happens. This only makes me sad about the state of affairs the system is in.

So I sympathize with you Bor, and wish that there is something that I could do to help. I wish you the best of luck in working things out.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-09-15, 11:06 AM
@ Namaste. It's no joke the other side of that desk either you know!

In RL i have a job behind one of those desks. You get saddled with sometimes nonsensical regulation and find youself bound up in red tape. The worst is to truly want to help somebody and be unable to do diddly squat.

On the otherhand, is it possible to speak to some kind of admin person at the college(s) to explain you predicament? They might be able to offer a work-around.
Eidreff, I would like to say that I actually empathize with you. When I sit down at those desks with those workers, so far all of them have been friendly and helpful. That is, as helpful as they're ALLOWED to be. I smile and joke with them because I know these are not the people responsible for the problems with the system. Heck, the worker I saw on the 12th...I told her the prenatal vitamin story, stood up, pushed my stomach muscles out to extend my gut, and got her laughing with, "I have been carrying this baby for YEARS! I'm gonna give birth to a ten-year-old!"

Back in NY, I was homeless in the dead of winter. The shelter I was staying at insisted that I go daily to the welfare office and apply for housing. There was one "little" problem, in that I was a diabetic and most of the available housing was occupied by heavy drug users. The moment anyone knew I had syringes on me, I'd likely vanish from the face of the Earth. Every worker I spoke with was fully understanding of this, and would help to shuffle me along the system and send me back to the shelter, where, oddly, I was safer than having any kind of housing.

Angry, depressed, frustrated...I sat at one worker's desk in tears. And she did the most astonishing thing I'd ever encountered from any of these workers. She glanced around, saw no one was looking, reached into her desk, reached further into her purse and wallet, and gave me $5 to get a decent meal. Clearly against the rules of the office, but...

Well, it's this kind of behavior that I have tried to emulate. To help when you can with what you can, it seems, makes an individual a uniquely strange and exceptionally kind person. My desire to do the right thing when I can has had people threaten to have me bronzed here on the Playground. :smallamused: I really don't want to be bronzed for two reason, the first of which is that it would probably be REALLY painful! The second is...I don't want worship of extensive praise. I just want people to go out and do good deeds for the sake of doing good deeds.

Oy vey! This is what I get for posting shortly after I wake. I came, I saw, I rambled. :smallredface:

@ Pwenet: One thing to check on is to see how you and your wife's income might affect your sister's benefits. This is just a heads-up, but as legal guardians, it has the possibility of bringing about problems, especially if she lives with you.

zeratul
2007-09-15, 08:34 PM
Hi guys, I'm really not in a good state of mind right now. Everything's just to heavy right now. People are trying to convince me to be in the school play which i only want to tech for, people want me to do chorus, the feelings I have for the girl I've liked have grown to a point where I could honestly refer to it as love, and it's all more than I can deal with. I just want to go away from everyone, and read poetry, and just blot everything out, but I have school work to do, and papers to deliver, and it's all just to much. I've always been emotionally fragile, and even though I know these people want whats best for me, I just can't deal with all this.

Micate
2007-09-16, 01:12 PM
Zeratul, I'm sorry it took me so long to reply, but I'm really not sure what to tell you. In times of panic I've always been a coward and hid under the covers till things got better, often letting my grades slip (and as one of the smart kids, the missing work never really affected me), but that's not something I would recomend without knowing you can recover later. The only thing I do know is that missing the school play is probably a bad idea, and you should make sure you at least do the tech stuff you wanted to. Participating might not be a bad idea, but I don't know how shy/embarrasing it would be for you, especially since it would probably mean taking more time out of your schedule and possibly stressing you out further. Lastly, about this girl you like. Well, I've been painfully single all my life, so I really can't help you there. I can only suggest you repost your relationship status on the "relationship woes and advice" thread and ask them how to get things rolling.

Oh, and communication is the key to overcoming depression. Let your friends/family know how you feel, and make sure they understand that you don't need any extra pressure from them right now. Who knows, maybe one of them can cheer you up. I know my friends could normally cheer me up (although I was normally to scared to ask them for help).

Best of luck to you, and don't let the little things get you.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-09-16, 05:27 PM
@ Zeratul: Z, it seems to me that we have been watching your steady decline over the last several months. You pop in here and make a post about your woes, we give advice, and then you vanish for a bit...only to come back with things still declining. I don't think it has anything to do with you not listening to us; I think it's that things really are reaching a point of overwhelming you.

I personally think it's time to get yourself to a doctor. Explain things to him/her as you have to us: your emotional state is crushing you. Meds and/or therapy may be the answer.

Whatever the case may be, no treatment stands alone. If meds are the answer, take the benefits of the meds and DO something with them. For example, my meds keep me from becoming suicidal. Great! Now that I'm still alive, I seek out ways to make myself feel even better, such as helping others and seeking work. (The latter of which seems to be a failure. See previous posts for details.) If you go into therapy, and your therapist is actually good at his/her job, then you will receive advice that you can put to use...so USE it!

Please remember that we can only do so much here. We direct. We advise. But we cannot do anything for you in the real world. That's up to you. Now get your adolescent tuchas in gear and get some help! :smallsmile:

A Rainy Knight
2007-09-16, 07:20 PM
I have an interesting little thing that I thought this would be a good thread to post it on. It's called an "Irish Worry Stone." I got one for my birthday from a friend of Irish descent. Mine is a greenish rock with this carved in it:

"If you are ever worried, ask yourself this.

Are you well?
If you are well, there's no need to worry.

If you are not well, will you recover?
If you'll recover, there's no need to worry.

If you won't recover, will you survive?
If you'll survive, there's no need to worry.

If you won't survive, will you go up or down?
If you'll go up, there's no need to worry.

If you go down, you'll be too busy talking and shaking hands with your buddies to worry about anything." :smalltongue:

I hope that this helps someone. It's the least I can do.

Haruki-kun
2007-09-16, 08:37 PM
@^: No matter what happens, Humor must always be the last thing to go.

Laughter's the best medicine.

DarkLightDragon
2007-09-17, 08:42 AM
Stress affecting physical health. Bad. Ghhhhhhh...

sktarq
2007-09-17, 12:18 PM
DLD-go for a long swim/run, eat a turkey dinner with ice cream for desert, book a massage (If I only listened to my own advice here....OW! sheesh), and chat to that guy you sort of had a crush on and with whom things have settled down well. If you still have trouble sleeping low level ambien may help-but check with your doc in case of drug interaction.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-09-17, 01:19 PM
@ DLD: Thank you for that detailed post. :smalltongue: Armed with the information you provided, all I can say is, "Welcome to my world."

Yeah, it's Bor story time. So grab your hot cocoa and take a seat at my feet children...

I'm having increasing issues with anxiety. The proof stares at me when I visit my physician. If I take my anxiety meds an hour before going there, my blood pressure is fine. If I fail to take them, by blood pressure is elevated. And I have to say that my anxiety is not helped when I see 179 over 100!

Oddly, my anxiety meds cause me anxiety, in that these medications are addictive. I'm not abusing them in any way, but my apparent constant need for them makes me nervous as heck.

"Well, Bor...just cut back until you can stop taking them altogether."

Oh, how I wish I could. But remember when I had my little vision problem? I came to realize that it occurred on a day when my blood pressure was up - I can actually FEEL it when it happens. Those weakened blood vessels in my eyes can't take the increase in pressure, thus they burst. Fear of going blind only adds to my anxiety.

Can you see the cycle setting itself up? I worry...I want to take a pill...I worry about taking a pill...My anxiety increases...I give in and take the pill...Then I worry about having taken the pill...So I want to take another pill...I worry about taking the pill...My anxiety increases...I *DON'T* take another pill...So I worry about whether or not I've made a wise decision...

It seems that my every thought makes me worry about this nonsense.

As an added bonus, my diabetes responds in a negative fashion to stress. Stress causes a fight or flight reaction in the body. Steroids that your body produces naturally are released into the bloodstream. Steroids raise the bloodsugar, thereby giving you instant energy for the aforementioned fight or flight. In this way, stress makes my diabetes go wacky.

Understand that my doctor has prescribed a 1 mg. tablet of the meds for my anxiety, which I can take twice a day. As it happens, this medication can be taken .25 mg. at a time, so I split the tablets into quarters and take them like that during the day, with maybe a half tablet at night. My 30 day supply usually lasts 45 to 50 days. As I said, I am *NOT* abusing them. Alas, I find myself needing to reach for that damnable bottle two or three times a day. There's a healthy gap of six to eight hours between doses, but doses they are.

Might I add that the recent revelation of being unable to get a job for fear of losing the medical insurance I desperately need is not aiding me in any way whatsoever? :smallmad:

*sigh*

Someone hire me off the books. I'll edit your fiction, school papers...I'll babysit your kids, if you choose to mail them to me...*hold up sign* "Will sleep for cash!"

"Look, everyone! Bor's losing it!"

No...Bor had to have it in the first place in order to lose it. :smallconfused:

DLD, instead of my own issues, I'd rather face yours. If you'd care to share some details, I'd happily advise you if I can.

rubakhin
2007-09-17, 07:50 PM
So, so friggin' depressed. The last time I was happy was when I was living in Soviet Ukraine. Soviet Ukraine. That's an unheard-of level of misery right there. There's just nothing in my life right now. Nothing. At all. And no conceivable future, no conceivable exit. I'm locked in a room the size of a prison cell all day with a typewriter and ... and nothing. My entire domain is follows: A gigantic steel table, on top of which is a typewriter and my collection of shotglasses and syringes. In front of the table is a bar stool. Behind the bar stool is a bookcase. There's a mattress in the corner. On the floor is a lamp. There's also a closet, nothing in there but three or four outfits. The walls are painted grey, and bare, except for a few ikons over the bed. My computer is downstairs. I'm either reading, writing, on the computer, or drinking. That's it. That's all there is in my life. I have no friends, no family, no future. No license, so my job pool is limited to whatever I can walk to. No education (had to leave school at age thirteen), so I can't get those jobs anyway. No money to fix my teeth, even. I have cavities I can't afford to fill. It costs a hundred dollars a cavity. No insurance. Never in my life have I had a hundred dollars at once. I'm in pain whenever I bite down.

Outside is a sprawling, isolated suburb. I don't know anyone in the entire town, although I've been living here for years. The town is composed entirely of gas stations and insurance offices. When I go out, it's to the library, which is an hour's walk away. The farthest I could reasonably walk would be to the outskirts of the ghetto, where there's nothing to do but buy drugs or hustlers. That's it. That's the scope and breadth of my life.

I can't live like this anymore and I don't have the money to escape. No money. No money ever. I live in my parent's house, so I'm fed, the bills are taken care of. Sometimes twenty bucks or thirty bucks spending money comes my way. That's it. If only I had money. If I had a license, in theory, I could at least go to the movies or something. But getting a license costs money, and where would I get the car? There is, in essence, no public transportation in CT whatsoever. There's nowhere, nowhere to go.

Money. If I had money I could get the help I needed. I'm screwed up beyond all reckoning. Severe, severe depression, and worse. Been abused all my life. Emotionally, sexually. Nobody ever loved me but my old boyfriend Sasha, who left me because I'm ****ed in the head. No one in my family cares about me, they lock me up in this room and pretend I don't exist. If I say I need to go to the dentist or the psychologist or mental institution or whatever, they say it's my own problem. Grow up and get a job, they say. They know I'm using drugs, they don't care. They don't talk to me. If I try to talk to them they tell me to shut up. They call me "it." God, I miss Ukraine. Maybe it's Russia now. I forget. I want to see Moscow, I've never seen Moscow.

Can't even join the army. They want you to have a high school education. So do the Peace Corps. My legs are messed up anyway, military probably wouldn't let me in.

I can't get a GED. GEDs cost money. I'd fail the math portions anyway because I never so much as took a class in geometry. Plus, I can't figure out where to go to get one even if I had the money for it. You have to take one in your region. I call the education board here, they say I have to take it in the next town over. I call the next town over, they say I have to take it here. Nowhere to go to take it. There are online GEDs, but I'm not sure if they're legit and they cost money.

I can't live like this anymore and I can't figure out any way to get out. I've been looking for a job for months. It's just not going to happen. And what am I gonna do if I somehow manage to get money? Go to Ukraine where I'll never in my life be able to get work? Especially since I can't even speak the mother tongue well anymore. I can't stay here. I hate this place. I hate all of America, I've never been happy anywhere in America. I wish I were dead. Except I can't even afford to try to commit suicide, because I've screwed it up twice, leaving me with something thousands of dollars in hospital bills that I can't pay.

I'm screwed. I'm so unhappy, and so drug/alcohol addled, that work has become impossible. I just wish someone would take care of me. Set me up in Odessa or Leningrad somewhere and give me enough money to get by so I could focus on my short stories and poems. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because I want to finish my work. But I just can't write anymore, not like I used to. I don't know. I just can't see any way I could possibly help myself.

SDF
2007-09-17, 08:02 PM
I just found out one of my friends died... wombating great, I've lost two friend this summer. :smallfurious:

ForzaFiori
2007-09-17, 08:07 PM
I need a way to get out of depression.

I dont know the cause of it, I just woke up today and felt like ****.

I know that: writing and music dont help, and the 2 people I usually go to when this happens are unavailable (1 is an ex that i still crush on, and talking to her makes me sadder, and the other one and i haven't been getting along as well recently.)

so i just need ideas on stuff to do.

vivi
2007-09-17, 09:14 PM
I feel like crud and I dont know why!!!!!:smallfurious: :smallfrown:

DarkLightDragon
2007-09-18, 06:31 AM
@ DLD: Thank you for that detailed post. :smalltongue: You're welcome. :smallbiggrin:


Yeah, it's Bor story time. So grab your hot cocoa and take a seat at my feet children... I've found that I like Bor stories. I don't like that bad stuff has happened to you though. But I like them for some reason.


DLD, instead of my own issues, I'd rather face yours. If you'd care to share some details, I'd happily advise you if I can. It's important to face your own issues as well (I should try taking my own advice...) but I'll tell a bit.

A lot of you probably know that my school life sucks. I feel like an outcast, I don't like anyone, I never get homework in on time, worried about failing all my subjects, blah blah blah. Well, I also have nightmares about school. I feel a strong dread every night. I don't enjoy my favourite things much any more. I didn't even enjoy last weekend a huge amount.

But at work experience today I got a lot of BUBBLEWRAP! :smallbiggrin: I was very happy. My dad noticed this so I'll probably be getting more in the future. But the bubblewrap I already have should last me for quite a few days. :smallbiggrin:

:smallbiggrin:

Micate
2007-09-18, 07:57 AM
I barely know how to respond to all this. Just had a string of nightmares, so I'm a little shaken atm, but I'll do my best.

Vivi, cool avatar, now cheer up!

SDF, it always hurts to lose someone you're close to, and the only real advice I can give is to say that it will get better. Everything will be good (my motto). It might take a long time but; Everything will be good.

DarkLightDragon, I'm sorry to hear school is being so rough on you. I've taught pretty much every high school class, so if you ever need help with homework, feel free to PM, IM, or email your assignments to me, and I'll be glad to help (this applies to anyone btw, not just DLD). Otherwise, I would suggest you talk to someone (friend, family, someone you trust) off the internets about how school is affecting you, and if you need to do it over some bubblewrap, well you said you have a bunch at your disposal right?

Mf11, not sure what to tell you. Whenever I get even just a little sick I feel down in the dumps, so its possible you're just feeling ill, so make sure you're eating right, etc. As for something to do, well I like to suggest finding a nice quiet place to just sit and think about what's going on; consider recent events, their possible impact on you and see if you can't find what's making you upset.

Rubakhin, waking up from a series of nightmares followed by 5 people asking for advice, I'm too exhausted and too depressed to be of much use, but we'll try to figure out some way to work things out.


Everyone, remember my motto; Everything will be good. Don't ask why, don't ask when, don't question it. Just repeat it over and over again.
Everything will be good.
And if any of you need someone to talk to, my AIM is AFGNCAATP, and I'de love to have someone to talk to myself, so feel free to IM me anytime. I try to keep accurate away messages when I'm not available, but I do check my missed IMs.

DarkLightDragon
2007-09-18, 08:15 AM
DarkLightDragon, I'm sorry to hear school is being so rough on you. I've taught pretty much every high school class, so if you ever need help with homework, feel free to PM, IM, or email your assignments to me, and I'll be glad to help (this applies to anyone btw, not just DLD). Otherwise, I would suggest you talk to someone (friend, family, someone you trust) off the internets about how school is affecting you, and if you need to do it over some bubblewrap, well you said you have a bunch at your disposal right? I am going to talk to real people about it this week. And thanks.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-09-19, 05:26 AM
@ rubakhin: You're in the States? Your help is actually easy to find. Here's what I did to first start getting real help:

1. I sat down and wrote a lengthy suicide note.
2: I packed a bag. (I learned later that the sharp items and long cords, like those of a headset for a CD player were bad, so avoid packing those.)
3: Walked to the nearest hospital and showed the note to a doctor.

Ta da! I was hospitalized. It didn't matter that I had no insurance whatsoever. That was the hospital's problem, and they took care of that by having me fill out forms to get State aid. Keep in mind that you cannot be denied care due to an inability to pay.

Depending on the mental hygiene programs of the State you live in, you might well be able to get a social worker assigned to you to help you gain some kind of forward motion in your life. I can pretty much promise you that it will be a rough path, but it's a path that goes somewhere, as opposed to the nowhere you're going now.

If you are truly fed up with your current existence, try this and see if a new version can be created.

@ SDF: My sincere condolences. Wish there was more to say to make it better, but I haven't the words.

@ mf11: When in doubt, kill many, many people. Not in real life, mind you. On paper. And not in an incriminating way. Pure fatntasy. Break open that word processing program, turn yourself into an evil wizard, and then go on a rampage! I, the peace-loving Bor, whom all know for my phrase of "be well," do this on a regular basis. It helps, and there's no jail sentence for writing fiction.

@ DLD: Can't tell you why you like Bor stories. Maybe it's the way they're written, that they're real, and they show what a human being can do with so little.

@ vivi: Can't help you until you can find the source. Ponder it a bit and see if you can find some answers.

And to think...I was going to write about my own woes when I came here. Oh well. Maybe next post.

rubakhin
2007-09-19, 12:39 PM
HELL NO. Mental institutions here are hellholes. I was checked into hospital like that once. I had to lie in emergency room bed for four days - they literally would not allow me to stand up - and even then there was no room for me in mental institution proper, so they stuck me in rehab. (Nota bene: I didn't do drugs then.) Since my problems couldn't be solved with the 12-step plan, while in rehab they drugged the hell out of me and ignored me. When I complained, they told me I had a bad attitude and I should go to the Narcotics Anonymous meetings anyway, sit there quietly, and pretend they were talking about my problems. The cocktail of anti-psychotics they had me on kept me in a demi-conscious haze. I could only stay awake for maybe four or five hours a day, and it hurt to move. I was smuggling out a short story I was working on to my Sasha who visited me every day. He snuck me in a pen and I was writing on napkins. I could only write three or four lines at a time without having to rest because the pain of moving my hand was too much. They finally switched my medications, but to something that nearly gave me a heart attack. Then there were the strip searches, the infections from the unsanitary conditions, and PTSD. And of course I got no help afterwards. I was hospitalized again a few months later; it was somewhat less traumatic but equally useless. No hospitals. No no no no no.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-09-19, 12:56 PM
It takes money to make money, and if you have none, you're screwed. Welcome to the United States, where the rich get richer, and the poor die lonely deaths in the gutters. He have trucks that wipe them off our golden paved streets.

Hm... Mental Distress, need money, no education? Sounds like a perfect employee for McDonald's. Bet there's one in your area. The pay's horrible, the people suck, and the grease is everyhere, but on a full time schedule, you can work up to $300 bucks a week. It's a crappy job, but you can step up from there.

rubakhin
2007-09-19, 02:15 PM
*sigh* That's the most Russian thing I ever heard in my life, comrade. If you haven't got any Slav in your family, you ought to get some. Ay, Babushka Anna! For this golden future you sent me from the motherland! (Though, all things being equal, I guess I'd rather be doomed in America than doomed in the ex-Soviet Block. I guess.)

I suppose the only thing I can do is keep trying to get a job. There's a McDonald's, but the walk would be more than the hour ... and in the snow ... but still I could make it. Suffering builds character, after all. And it's more literary than happiness.

Micate
2007-09-20, 10:40 PM
Sir_Norbert, minor problems are just as welcome here as the devestating ones, don't feel bad just because you might be doing better (relatively) than other people. I hope you figure out a way to figure out your meeting with your girlfriend. I'm sure there is something you can sacrifice to make it work if you feel you need to.


I know its selfish to post this, but I feel like **** and I have to do something, so just feel free to ignore it if you don't want to hear my bitching.

What I want to post is that I've been feeling pretty depressed recently because I'm terribly lonely. I have five friends in real life, and four of them are in college out of state, so I don't get to see them most of the year. And as for the people I work with, they're all my dad's age (no real coincidence since I work with my dad), so I don't have much of anything in common with them.
Other than that, I don't leave my house if I can help it, since I'm terribly agoraphobic, and by agoraphobic I don't really mean afraid of open spaces, so much as I'm scared of being places where someone might see me. I'm terrified that I'm going to do something stupid because someone might see it, and that feeling is one of the worst feelings I'm familiar with. I know its illogical, but I can't help being afraid of people. So we have my problem... I need to meet people to make friends, but I'm too scared of people to meet them. And I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I'm currently without a job since our contract ran out of funds (expected to get more by Oct. 1st at the latest), which means I am without a job for a couple weeks, so I have tons of free time, but I don't have anything to do with it since it frightens me to be outside/in public.

/rant off

Vaynor
2007-09-20, 11:59 PM
I remembered this one story posted here, about a guy who was in the adoption program and went to foster homes and such, it was a really amazing story and I remember many people saving it on their computers. Unfortunately, the old thread is gone. So, I was wondering if anyone happened to have that.

Hell Puppi
2007-09-21, 12:16 AM
I'd like to hear that story if anyone has it...for...reasons....*sigh*

Rex Idiotarum
2007-09-21, 12:35 AM
Forgotten's Tale? It's in Confessions and Secrets 2, if you want to read it, pages back, mind you.

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2396725&postcount=480

Go ahead, Bawl your eyes out.
No, wait, it was:

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2396317&postcount=474

Sigh, I just read that and gave up on god. If there is one, @#$% 'em.

Hell Puppi
2007-09-21, 01:06 AM
Brawr....just....brawr...

Vaynor
2007-09-21, 01:09 AM
Forgotten's Tale? It's in Confessions and Secrets 2, if you want to read it, pages back, mind you.

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2396725&postcount=480

Go ahead, Bawl your eyes out.
No, wait, it was:

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2396317&postcount=474

Sigh, I just read that and gave up on god. If there is one, @#$% 'em.

Thank you.

sethdarkwater
2007-09-21, 01:12 AM
One of my friends who was in a motorcycle accident died two days ago after numerous surgeries and choma for a week. Sad thing is he died from pneumonia which wasnt caused by his injuries but his body couldnt fight it.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-09-21, 01:12 AM
Yeah, see, just when it gets to point of "That's horrible" ((The first paragraph)) It gets worse, and worse, and worse. And Worse. And then Worse. And by the time it gets to the end, there's nothing left.

What do I hold this for, a man's life? It's just too unbelievable. Is it a message of hope? There's no hope. Love? No love either. Pain and Misery? That would be it...

Become a masochist. Life'll become much more fun.

((Ghah! Simu'd me so now I look like a jackass....))

Hell Puppi
2007-09-21, 01:14 AM
I don't know...there's just too many people I've know in my own life that have only known pain...and I have no idea what to do for them...

Rex Idiotarum
2007-09-21, 01:24 AM
Meh, I'm an Optimist, surprisingly, if you haven't be able to tell from my friendly, cynical shell. ((I acknowledge the good gains from the bad things, Like for instance, getting hit by a bus would so get me out of going to Work or school. Some bad days I hoped for it.))

Life sucks. O! I know it's true. It's a crappy Parker Brother's game. But you don't have to cheat the rules. Some times, you can get lucky. Maybe You have to Cop card and someone Rolls a ten. Maybe you just come out of it with nothing to show but debt.

Just have to learn to see the beauty in the sunset. I know, watching the sky go from blue to red to orange to violet to lilac to navy to black, with tiny stars, or sitting in a grassy field, with the green sunlight grass, and the dark, inviting shade, over the colors of flowers, the bright greens of leaves. Damn, I miss Summer....

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-09-22, 04:53 AM
As much as I have the desire to help the many who need it, the time has come for me to rant. I have been telling this story a little at a time as events unfold, but I will take the time to recap. Thus, I suggest you settle in for a long read, and I pray no one will get seriously confused.

Unable to hold down a job due to frequent absences, I finally surrendered and filed for Social Security Disability (SSD). It took me three years to fight for these benefits, and ended when I stood before a judge and explained my problems. I can promise no employer that I'll be able to be at work for any shift I'm assigned, but I can promise I'll be home, barring doctors' appointments.

I have been living in poverty for over seven years now. Such things as my internet sevrice are now part of my phone package; this is an arrangement I made in the hopes of finding a job I can do from home. I would happily work customer service or incoming sales call, provided it can all be arranged for me to do from home.

Miraculously, I found such a job. A neighbor of mine happens to be a trainer for a company that has a telecommuting program for the disabled. This was perfect! All I would have to do is make it through a week of training in their offices, and then they would set me up at home to start working. The plan was to start part-time, and if it proved within my abilities, to go full-time. Incoming sales calls: probably one of the easiest jobs on the planet. "Can I have this?" "Yes, sir. Let me just see if it's in stock." Ta da! Done.

The problem is my medical issues and my insurances. Yes, I have two insurances. The first, called MediCare, is provided through SSD. This is a federal program. The other insurance, for simplicity's sake, is called MedicAid, provided by the State. Got that? MediCare and MedicAid. Federal and State, respectively. (I live with them and get them confused, so don't feel bad should you get lost.)

A visit to my local Department of Economic Security (DES) provided me with bad news. I rounded the figure down previously, but I am permitted to earn all of $120/month on top of my SSD income. This means that the job I had PLANNED on getting would only be permitted to schedule me for approximately 13 hours a month. I don't know any company willing to hire anyone for such a silly amount of time. If I were to earn over $120, my State benefits would be cut.

This presents a major problem. MediCare only covers 80% of my medical expenses. MedicAid covers the other 20%. G-d forbid I was hospitalized for something like osteomyelitis, (which has happened in the past, and I was in the hospital for 26 days for that incident), with MedicAid, I would enter a state of indentured servitude to pay off the ridiculous amount of money that unpaid 20% represents. I absolutely MUST have some kind of secondary insurance.

In the hopes of getting some help, I called Social Security on Friday. I explained the situation, and the representative I spoke with added even MORE good news. You see, I earn so little that the State pays for my MediCare. Should I lose MedicAid, the State will stop paying for my PRIMARY insurance, and I will be shelling out even MORE money. Rounded up to the nearest dollar, that's about $94.

I have been busting my butt, even while recovering from several surgeries, searching for that legitimate job. I finally found one. And now I'm being told that if I earn as much as $130 a month on the books, I will have to start shelling out insane amounts of money to do that silly thing called LIVING! With all of my pre-existing medical problems, private insurance will cost too much. Part-time employees are not offered medical insurance. And I am feeling as though I am being punished for trying to do SOMETHING to improve the quality of my life.

I no longer know what to do. The only thing that pops into my head is to make an appointment with the AZ governor and have a little sit-down with her to explain that the system is poorly constructed; it seems designed to keep someone in poverty once they're there. The only other plan that's come to mind is to bang my head against a wall until my brains leak out. It's so damnably frustrating to try so hard, only to be told that I will only get the proper level of help if my income remains far below poverty level.

It's thoroughly disheartening. My depression symptoms are now growing beyond the power of my meds. What have I done that was so bad as to have to be shot down every time I make an effort to rise above my own problems? :smallfrown: :smallfrown: :smallfrown:

Lord Herman
2007-09-22, 05:22 AM
Man, that sucks, Bor. What kind of idiotic system punishes you for getting a job?

*huggity*

banjo1985
2007-09-22, 06:02 AM
Dammit Bor, that's harsh, really harsh.

It seems like it's like that all over the world, systems that mean that those that want to work despite the problems they have get punished for wanting to do so, while those who just want to sit on their backsides rake the cash in in benefits. It's a really awkward and unhelpful situation, and one which I really can't work out what to advise you to look into.

What I can say for certain is this; your not the problem, you've done absolutely nothing to deserve the situation you've described.

Hang in there, sometimes it feels like the whole world is conspiring against you, but I really really hope that things get better for you, sooner rather than later!

Oh, and I second Hermans huggity!

sktarq
2007-09-22, 03:43 PM
@ mf11: When in doubt, kill many, many people. Not in real life, mind you. On paper. And not in an incriminating way. Pure fatntasy. Break open that word processing program, turn yourself into an evil wizard, and then go on a rampage! I, the peace-loving Bor, whom all know for my phrase of "be well," do this on a regular basis. It helps, and there's no jail sentence for writing fiction.

Er just noticed this. Be careful with this one. I have friends on probation for this. If people think that your writing constitutes either a sign of instability or conspiricy of a crime they CAN lock you up. Admittidly they are supposed to have other evidence but if you have any past history a snarky comment in a bad mood canlead to all sorts of problems.....admitly cops and prosecutors around here need ore to do it seems.

Crow
2007-09-22, 03:56 PM
Wow Bor, that sucks.

Now for my crap...not nearly as bad as others.

I'm getting taken to collections now from Tenet Health Services. I tried to work out a payment plan with them, but they wanted nearly 4 times more per month than I am able to pay them. I make too much money to qualify for assistance, but most of that goes to child support, so we don't have any money to spare. I am thinking about just telling them to screw off, since having it go to collections at all will look nearly as bad as me just not paying, as far as anyone checking is concerned. At my current income, it's going to be like 10 years before I get this bill paid off.

This isn't my first run-in with Tenet though. I had a nice 30 minute emergency room visit a while back (frickin parkour), and it ended up being something like 3 grand. I decided i'd try and apply for Medical. When I get to the office, it's full of latinos, and they have to find someone special who can speak english to talk to me (Imagine that! An American? In here!?). So after I wait 20 minutes for the only english-speaker to get off lunch, I am told that because I am not working a "full-time job", I am ineligable to receive assistance. I try to explain to her that I am working 50-60 hours a week, at three technically part time jobs, and barely squeaking by. However, because no single job gives me 36 hours/week, I am out of luck.

God Bless America. =(

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-09-22, 05:05 PM
@ Sktaq: Please note that I said, "...not in an incriminating way. Pure fatntasy." If prosecutors are chasing down fantasy and fiction writers, then some of the most popular authors would be locked up. (We'll start by digging up Sophocles and locking him up, then work our way through time to Stephen King. :smallwink: ) Mind you, I understand the problem, as that psycho at Virginia Tech was writing all kinds of fiction that was exceptionally...disturbing. His, however, was rooted a little too close to reality. No, when I say fantasy, I mean FANTASY! Ghosts, goblins, monsters, wizards, aliens, and various other superpowered beings. The person who writes "fiction" on a regular basis that includes a high-powered rifle, a water tower, and a lot of victims needs to be watched closely. :smalleek:

@ Crow: Wow, have you come to the right place! I'm Bor, and I have a work history that includes over five years of debt collection and credit/fraud analysis. :smallsmile:

I hate to say it, but it looks like there's going to be no way to stop this from going into third party collections. Oddly, this is will represent a loss to the people to whom you originally owe the money. The third party will purchase the debt at a severely discounted rate. If you owe $3000, the third party may buy it for, say, $1000. Even if they DO NOT purchase it, and are simply hired as an agency to collect what is owed, the original party will NOT get all of its money, as a portion must go back to the collection agency. It's silly and stupid that the original party won't work with you.

Suggestion #1: Talk to a supervisor. Try to make them realize that they will take a loss should your debt go to a third party. If this works, you just might be okay.

Suggestion #2: When/if it goes third party, try to make a reasonable arrangement with them. If this works, then the most you should get are reminder calls/notices.

Suggestion #3: If the third party is unwilling to work with you, you can silence them...well, at least their calls. Send a registered letter (with a return slip!) to them, telling them that they are to strictly contact you via mail.

Suggestion #4: (TO BE USED AT ALL TIMES!!!) Never lose your temper. Don't fall for any tricks they might try to pull. Confirm the information they may ask for, but do not give them anything extra. They don't NEED your work information, they just WANT it. They don't NEED your cell number, they just want it. They don't NEED any other contact numbers, they just want it. Et al, ad nauseum. Remain calm and you will prove to be the better for all of this.

The fun part...The laws pertaining to debt collection are called the FDCPA in the collector's world. Google it. Violation of these laws on the part of the collection agent/agency results in fines that could well make you wealthier for their mistakes! It's a lovely little fine, as I recall, of $10,000 PER VIOLATION!!! :smallbiggrin: (I've been out of work for over seven years, so please don't quote me...although it looks to last be amended in 1996, well within my work experience.)

Bor: Collection Attourney at...Law? :smallconfused: No. Home? Yeah, but...Oh, forget it. My bill is in the mail. :smallwink:

Crow
2007-09-23, 03:44 PM
Big post...

Thanks man!

smellie_hippie
2007-09-23, 05:34 PM
Alright folks... self rant for a moment.

I'm about to loose it here people. I have a major exam coming up in 1 week. "but hippie... didn't you take that test months ago?" :smallconfused: No... that's when I started studying for it.

I have 7 years worth of knowledge to cram into 200 questions that will account for my entire future. Additionally, new theories have been developed since my graduation which I have no instruction on! :smallfurious: My financial situation hinges on this exam as well, as all I am doing right now is keeping a family of 4 "above water", but definately not "making progress".

I haven't been sleeping well, my appetite is gone, and all this leads towards a possible panic attack or other axiety related stress. I'm a freakin hippie people... I don't know how to handle anxiety!! Typically, if I were any more relaxed, people would either hand me a drug test or check my pulse. This tension thing is driving me nuts!

I think I can actually FEEL more hair turning grey as I'm writing this. :smallmad:

I apologize for overlooking those others who have been here faithfully, doling out advice and heart-felt hugs and such. I also hope that everyone here who has lost someone, feels like they have lost themselves, or doesn't have any other options to turn to for support... can find some relief and solace from the true heroes of this thread.

This is a shamless request for hugs, support, and words of encouragement. I don't know how to handle this stress... and I feel like I'm drowning. :smallfrown:

Micate
2007-09-23, 05:57 PM
Smellie_hippie, *hugs*. It'll be fine, there's no need to stress out. Now go take a nap and relax a bit before your brain melts.

rubakhin
2007-09-23, 06:19 PM
Ay, parcero. *gives codeine; pot* Thousands of people have passed such tests before. I'm sure you'll do fine. Maybe you should try meditating or swimming or something. Don't let your brain leak out your ears.

Brickwall
2007-09-23, 06:36 PM
I am depressed. Why? My life is going fine. Yep. Not starving, nobody's even been mean to me. Everyone's all nice and courteous here. I'm not homesick. I love it here. I'm even almost making acquaintances. So why, you ask? Because the little things are gettin' me down, and I know they shouldn't get me down, and I know that shouldn't get me down, etc. unto infinity.

Do I need advice? No. You monkeys can't help me, and I really don't want help. I just care to vent at the internets. And call people monkeys. It's cathartic.

Vaynor
2007-09-23, 06:39 PM
I am depressed. Why? My life is going fine. Yep. Not starving, nobody's even been mean to me. Everyone's all nice and courteous here. I'm not homesick. I love it here. I'm even almost making acquaintances. So why, you ask? Because the little things are gettin' me down, and I know they shouldn't get me down, and I know that shouldn't get me down, etc. unto infinity.

Do I need advice? No. You monkeys can't help me, and I really don't want help. I just care to vent at the internets. And call people monkeys. It's cathartic.

I AM NOT A MONKEY. I am a bear.

Thus... *FRIENDLY GET WELL BEAR HUG! ...OF DOOM, or... something.. yah*

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-09-23, 07:04 PM
@ Hippie: Who needs to study new psychological theories when you have an entire thread of lab rats? :smallwink:

In all seriousness, I wish you the very best of luck in your upcoming exam. I'm sure you'll do just fine. Here's a pair of hugs. Use one now, and save the other for when you need it. *hug, hug* :smallsmile:

@ Brickwall: Glad us monkeys could be here for ya. :smalltongue:

Vuzzmop
2007-09-23, 07:17 PM
@ Brickwall: There is something wrong, and its going to keep on being wrong until you get over yourself and ask for help. You feel upset because there is something missing in your life and it won't fix itself until you find out what it is. Sorry to be so blunt, but calling me a monkey and claiming that nothing is wrong won't do anything to help you or me. Find out what is wrong or get over it.

Kyrian
2007-09-24, 08:24 AM
Because several people still here deserve to know:

*sigh* I might as well just type this out, Kalie's going to read it on here anyway, and I'd be going to her for help if it weren't for her involvement in this.

She's got a job. At a hotel. I'm proud of her for it, I really am. It's what she wants to do when she gets out of college.

She works Thursday night. 11pm - 1am. It took her almost an hour to finally get me ok with those hours.

I mean, I worry so much about her. I'm so scared about her being in college and all, and me being almost 100 miles away from her. If something happens, I'm stuck here, and unable to help her. She means everything to me.

Anyways, I just found out that she actually worked 11pm - 6am this past Thursday. Her first day at the job. She says she told me that, but I swear she hadn't. As far as I'd known, she worked the 2 hours I was told about.

We've been fighting about it for an hour by now? I've been blowing up left and right, and even got to a point where I called her and yelled, then hung up.

I'm so confused as to what to do right now. I love her with all my heart. I really do. But I couldn't live if something happened to her while I'm unable to be there with her. I'm so scared about all of this, and I just don't have anyone to talk to about it.


EDIT: And after talking to her a bit more, it's really more than just this. I'm really worried about her being at college. I'm scared some guy will try something, and I won't be there to do anything. I'm scared something's going to happen to us, and I blame all this distance for it.



I'm thinking of quiting college.

This thought comes from so many things. All of the above, for one. And two? All I've been doing here is screwing up. I've already screwed up my Creative Writing minor, and will have to retake that intro class. Which I found out earlier from a friend I may not be able to. And I'm on my third year with no clear major. I've no clue what I want to do.

Being here just feels like it's tearing me apart little by little. Sure, I love the campus, and enjoy the friends I have here, but there's no real motivation for me. i don't know what I'm even doing here anymore. Part of me feels like the only reason I even want to be here is because of the high speed connection to the Town. A place I can get away from everything.

Maybe this is why I fail at RPing. Because even though I want to get away from life, I still want to be me. I guess I hold on because I grow so strong through my characters, I try to make them me.

My life's falling apart in front of me, behind me, from all sides, and I'm so scared.

Crow
2007-09-24, 09:05 AM
I couldn't pull off the long-distance relationship thing due to me being a paranoid bastard.

When I had to move away, I just went single. It was quite a liberating experience. Thing is, I loved the girl I was with before I left, but I knew that the strain I would put the relationship under would be unfair to her, and also unfair to me.

As far as your education goes, there are few things that you can screw up so badly so as to be unrecoverable. Don't sweat it if something doesn't pan out.

Helpful advice? Maybe not. But that's just my take.

Serpentine
2007-09-24, 09:30 AM
Kyrian, you just have to trust her to be able to look after herself. Do you really think she's such a helpless little petal that she can't handle herself? Is there really anything that could happen to her when she's far away that couldn't when she's near you? Is she so fragile that she needs your constant protection, or, possibly more to the point, do you think she'd want your constant protection and fuss? (You mentioned that she may read this stuff, in which case some of these questions may be answered directly...) Frankly, it's none of your business what sort of hours she works. Offer your opinion and advice, sure, but it's certainly not your place to yell at her about it. If she starts to work herself to the point where it's having a serious impact on her health, education and/or your relationship, then it might be time to become more involved, but not before. Trying to control her life is not a good start for making a long-distance relationship work, and it's just going to force her even further away.
As for your education, maybe you should have a look at what other degrees there are, see what catches your fancy? If you've decided you don't like what you're doing now, well, that's one (or possibly several, depending on the degree) career stream you can cross off the list and one less you have to choose between.

Crow
2007-09-24, 09:36 AM
It just amazes me how un-helpful I am! Especially when it's posted up next to a great a piece of advice like Serpentine's.

Hurray for other people!

:smalltongue:

Sir_Norbert
2007-09-24, 04:46 PM
To be fair, Serpentine makes us all feel like that.

sktarq
2007-09-24, 06:28 PM
@ Smelly As a fellow hippie (at least that's what people who have no clue about hippies call me often enough-I know better. The first Black kid I met was named (IKYN) Snowshadow) I recomend a large group hug. A dose of Camomille tea-or better yet catnip tea (yes that kind of catnip-it can be found at better looseleaf herbalist shops), a bit of incence, some yoga/meditation (as per your own boat-try clearing the lower three chakras if you swing that way), and a more confident attitude. Frankly you did/are doing the studying, you're smart, and you did all this before and graduated-you'll be fine....Keep focus on the Now not the future. In tests the future presents fears that distract from the Now. Finally-Avoid intoxicants. Thus ends the pep talk.
Thus begins the E-Hug
Good luck man

@Kyrian Know the feeling. Send someone you care about away into a world that where you have no ability to influence and protect something that large parts of your self image was wrapped up in. Mine even thought she couldn't handle it herself which made things worse. If she has swiped your heart she must be a pretty competant girl-especially if she wants to into the hotel world and has picked up a night shift in one whilst still in Uni. Well if she is competent enough to do that don't you think she can handle said job? If you feel that her job may pose problems (history of ignoring protentially dangerous situations, time managment issue history, sleep cycle problems especially) history these are all good reason to voice concerns. Yelling will get you nowhere-except the doghouse because you are basically telling her you are not on her side helping her get to where she wants to be. You may even want to print Serpentine's post and pin in by a picture of her.

Serpentine
2007-09-24, 09:51 PM
To be fair, Serpentine makes us all feel like that.
Really? o.O I thought it was usually Syka et al... Oh noes, I'm contributing to the Depression Thread by making people feel inadequate! :smalltongue:

QueenOfMemnoch
2007-09-26, 09:15 AM
While its true I hardly venture forth from the Town and I'm sure very few of you actually recognize my username, I've found myself somewhat desperate to talk to someone, anyone...
While I am in no means worse off than anyone, I've found myself at a near breaking point.
I've was offered an Army ROTC scholarship to the University of Arkansas back in March, and I eagerly accepted it. After all, how much better could it be than to get to go to college and be an officer in the Army afterwards? Its a job right after college, something my non-service peers will have to fight for.
I am from Oklahoma, which is really only a two hour drive away. It would be fine. I could do the whole long-distance relationship with my lover, right? It was only two hours away...

But one of the conditions of the scholarship is that I have to be within the physical standards and pass the PT (physical training) test. I couldn't. I failed miserably.
I stil have untill the end of October, and so they put me on a high intensity PT scheduel, every morning at six, and often another sometime in the evening. I'm not complaining, really. I've lost so much weight and I'm getting stronger, but its so...draining. Physically and mentally. I've cut my two mile time down by four minutes in a month, but I'm still thirty seconds behind the time I need to pass.
I feel like I'll never get it...
Ontop of that, PT always makes me late for my first classes in the morning at eight (since PT goes till seven thirty). My English professor on Mon, Wed, Fri, doesn't care at all. He's abit of a hippie and one of the most fun instructors I've ever had. But my Communications instructor, a Teachers Assistant, is rather hard-nosed. She took a whole letter grade off of my grade for being late the fifth time in a row, by thirty seconds.
When I had to go to the hospital for someone and couldn't make her class, she wouldn't accept the homework.
I feel like I am going to fail her class and Communications is my major. If I fail a class, I don't get my scholarship.
I don't have the money to pay for a semester of college.
Plus, my relationship died in my own hands. I can't say much, as the person is on Giant, but it died. Two years, nearly, and, while I know its for the best, its still aches.I'm in another relationship, and I'm ecstatic when I'm with him, but for most of the day, I don't get to see him, and it brings me down.
My family has moved on without me and it seems that if I fail here and get sent back to Oklahoma, I won't have a home.
I don't have a home now. I'm alone most of the day, on my laptop, talking to people who have left me behind.
I'm not strong enough to be in the Army or in college. I still feel like I'm a little kid who can't fend for herself, who's been thrown out into the world, uprepared and alone.
And rereading over this, I realise it isn't much, but its eating me inside out, and I'm trying not to cry, I'm trying so hard to be strong...
But I don't know what I can do. I'm exhausted, my body hurts, and I just want to roll up in bed and cry.

banjo1985
2007-09-26, 09:43 AM
Sure I know you, she who Heals & Hurts on my Discworld threadÖ :smallsmile:

There's no such thing as not much when life gets you down. No matter how big or small the problem how it makes you feel is what makes it significant. And either way I'd say this is a fairly big thing, all things considered

I donít live in the US, and have no knowledge of what military training entails on top of a standard education, but I have a few things to say that you might want to consider.

There can be such thing as too much too soon. I know for a fact that I wouldnít have coped with what youíve posted when I was 18. It seems as if youíre feeling like thereís just too much going on with no real support and that itís all bearing down on top of you, there is always the option of saying ďOk, this is too much for me, I need to get out.Ē Sure, a guaranteed scholarship straight into work is a good thing to have, and it saves all the job-hunting once your education is finished, but is it worth all the difficulty? If itís starting to affect your grades (admittedly through a **** of a teacher) I would say step back from the military stuff. You lose the guarantee, but if they offered it to you in the first place my guess is that theyíd want you after college is over anyway.

It seems like a hell of a lot of things are happening at once and theyíre all bouncing off each other and getting worse as a result. Itís only one option, but dropping out of the scholarship option sounds like it could free some of the other things up. If the military is something you really want to do then thatís probably not an option, but waiting until after college to try and sign up again could be.

Iím making several assumptions in my advice, one or all of which could be wrong, and if this really doesnít help I apologise profusely, my intention is to try and help if I can. I would say to try and spend more time with your new boyfriend and whoever makes you feel good, it seems that all college life is doing is putting on pressure and dampening what should be a great period of your life.

I really canít think of much more advice to give, and I feel like Iíve rabbitted on enough already. I just think there is so much pressure with so much going on for you, that something has to go to make life enjoyable again, which it really should be. Whats a job worth whn you have to sacrifice a happy life to get it?

Oh and a random huggity from SMBG to say hang in there! :smallsmile:

The Great Skenardo
2007-09-26, 10:03 AM
@Queen

I know a few fellows who have accepted just this sort of scholarship, and I've seen them struggle under this same sort of pressure. I can't agree with Banjo's advice to step back. Look at how far you've come:
Since you've started PT you've apparently lost a lot of unwanted weight and gotten stronger, and I assume you've been learning more about your future job in the Leadership labs and such. Really, when you've cut it down to only 30 seconds above time in a single month, you've only got a little more to do.

As far as the other part of your education goes, there isn't too much you can do... but have you tried talking to the colonel or captain? Often they have resources that can help out academically, or he/she might have some suggestions as to what you can do about your classes. Find out if you can regain your scholarship after some time on "academic probation" if you end up failing that class. Also, if you feel your TA is being cruel and arbitrary, then you can take it up with the professor. Explain in email or in person the problem, and you may find him/her sympathetic. Maybe.
Another suggestion: try going directly from PT to your class. Sure you'll reek of sweat, but you'll be punctual. (sit in the front row and hope the TA can smell you for bonus spite points :smallwink: )

Even if you can't, it might be in your interest to take out some student loans. in order to continue with the program. If you stick with career military as your profession, then you'll be looking at a very healthy government job with good prospects for promotion: repaying student loans down the line (particularly low/no interest ones) will be very manageable. (The fellows I know will be able to retire with a half-salary pension by the time they're 40)

As far as your other, more personal problems, the only thing I can offer is sympathy and a little advice. Your other problems seem like par for the course for someone stressed and constantly tired (those first few months of PT really kick the snot out of you), although I am very sorry to hear that your family is apathetic...

Anyways; you're clearly tough enough to get through this; just got to take care of what you can, and grit your teeth through the rest.
Army Strong :smallcool:

Serpentine
2007-09-26, 10:18 AM
You don't suppose your family might just be trying to step back and "let you go" as it were, do you? I can't really tell from your post, but it may be that they just don't want to cramp you in. Perhaps you could call them - or have them call you - regularly, say on a set day each week, just to keep that line back to home. Still, at least your parents haven't moved on you. Both my parents have done that :smalltongue: (uh, the "both" is significant, cuz they did it separately...)

Rex Idiotarum
2007-09-26, 10:53 AM
I can only say that I wish, over all else in the world, to be able to give you a hug.

Yup, grades are faltering, my family life is a mess, and I need a job and money.

As it turns out, I haven't been studying as well as I should of ((Getting only 75% on quizzes, imagine if I actually did homework and paid attention in class.)) I haven't written reports and stuff. I just can't seem to bring myself to do them. I'll be gone for next week, so hopefully I can use the time to reorganize my life. I make excuses about how dull the stuff is, that a report about "Prejudice" is boring and way overdone, and I just don't understand it. I've always lived by the code that everyone's an [email protected]#$%, so you should really get to know them to find out what type of [email protected]#$% they are. Of course, I guess I got a little prejudice when I picked up the book that we had to read, #1 Lady's detective Agency and wrote it off as being black feminist literature. But low and behold, in the first chapter they already slur out, "Well, that's certainly something a man would do."

See, there I go again, can't get over my own ego enough to suck it up and do something I don't want to, which is really what my family mess is about. My parents constantly take away the internet and threaten me with kicking me out because I don't have a job, but moreover, the real reason is because it's a power struggle, and it began way before I left McDonald's, before I left Friendly's. I do what want to and often piss people off so much that even when I lose, they think I won. I never said it had to always be my way, I never said I wouldn't do all they ask, but all I seem to be receiving from anyone is negative energy. I don't need that, I don't need lectures, I can't handle anymore threats, and I don't negotiate with modem stealing terrorists. I don't need someone to kick my ass, I need someone who can give me a hug and say, "You can do it, I know you can." My self esteem is shot to @#$% and when I could be socializing with people, I just stay on the computer.

My mom will lecture me for hours on end about how it's all my fault, how I should dress a certain way and get my hair cut, when really, it's probably the fact that I'm too honest in interviews, that I need not tell them that a manager there hated my guts for showing him up after a few weeks of working there. That I got really bored doing my job that I went on to other activities to keep my sanity, and when they barred me from such activities, I realized how draining it was, how claustrophobic it was, It got to the point where I truly wished to get hit by a truck and get put into the hospital for a few months, because physical pain could not be as bad as the psychological effects of being in there. I'm a quick typer, friendly, kind person, and really care about people. I usually am happy, but it just built up upon me. It's too good a day to be moping inside, but I can only fear the storm clouds on the horizon.

C'mon, Queeny, I know you can do it.

Crow
2007-09-26, 12:32 PM
While its true I hardly venture forth from the Town and I'm sure very few of you actually recognize my username, I've found myself somewhat desperate to talk to someone, anyone...
While I am in no means worse off than anyone, I've found myself at a near breaking point.
I've was offered an Army ROTC scholarship to the University of Arkansas back in March, and I eagerly accepted it. After all, how much better could it be than to get to go to college and be an officer in the Army afterwards? Its a job right after college, something my non-service peers will have to fight for.
I am from Oklahoma, which is really only a two hour drive away. It would be fine. I could do the whole long-distance relationship with my lover, right? It was only two hours away...

But one of the conditions of the scholarship is that I have to be within the physical standards and pass the PT (physical training) test. I couldn't. I failed miserably.
I stil have untill the end of October, and so they put me on a high intensity PT scheduel, every morning at six, and often another sometime in the evening. I'm not complaining, really. I've lost so much weight and I'm getting stronger, but its so...draining. Physically and mentally. I've cut my two mile time down by four minutes in a month, but I'm still thirty seconds behind the time I need to pass.
I feel like I'll never get it...
Ontop of that, PT always makes me late for my first classes in the morning at eight (since PT goes till seven thirty). My English professor on Mon, Wed, Fri, doesn't care at all. He's abit of a hippie and one of the most fun instructors I've ever had. But my Communications instructor, a Teachers Assistant, is rather hard-nosed. She took a whole letter grade off of my grade for being late the fifth time in a row, by thirty seconds.
When I had to go to the hospital for someone and couldn't make her class, she wouldn't accept the homework.
I feel like I am going to fail her class and Communications is my major. If I fail a class, I don't get my scholarship.
I don't have the money to pay for a semester of college.
Plus, my relationship died in my own hands. I can't say much, as the person is on Giant, but it died. Two years, nearly, and, while I know its for the best, its still aches.I'm in another relationship, and I'm ecstatic when I'm with him, but for most of the day, I don't get to see him, and it brings me down.
My family has moved on without me and it seems that if I fail here and get sent back to Oklahoma, I won't have a home.
I don't have a home now. I'm alone most of the day, on my laptop, talking to people who have left me behind.
I'm not strong enough to be in the Army or in college. I still feel like I'm a little kid who can't fend for herself, who's been thrown out into the world, uprepared and alone.
And rereading over this, I realise it isn't much, but its eating me inside out, and I'm trying not to cry, I'm trying so hard to be strong...
But I don't know what I can do. I'm exhausted, my body hurts, and I just want to roll up in bed and cry.

Whatever you do, don't give up. Also, you may need to reschedule your PT for a different time of day. The body is able to work out at any time. Be a self-motivator. Just don't give up. It's not worth it and you'll regreat it in the long run.

As far as the relationship goes, you're going to want to end it before you go away anyways. It's just a source of un-needed pain, and you'll have plenty more to worry about. The benefit is not worth it, and it is unfair to both parties involved. It will only make things worse for you.

Also, your lack of energy needs to be dealt with by means of your diet. Starting a heavy workout routine, plus other obligations...you're burning a lot of calories and losing weight, so your energy will be low unless you supplement with more food. Good fats, like those from seeds and nuts that you can eat as snacks will give you sustained energy, and complex carbs can be eaten about 1 hour before your workouts to get you through those...I would go for the fats, and skip the pre-workout carbs though if you are still looking to trim weight.





As for my depression, my ex-wife is taking me to court now to get more child support money. I got served by a deputy yesterday. Appearantly $1000 a month isn't enough to raise a child in Oklahoma (where they live). I don't think I've ever really hated anyone until her. As far as divorced dads go, I think I am pretty good. I have never so much as complained even though I can barely make ends meet, and when I havn't been able to afford a payment, I make it up as soon as the money is available. My credit cards are maxed out, I can't afford groceries, am working so much overtime I barely see my child.....and it feels like I am getting picked on for no good reason. Now I have to find a way to get to Oklahoma in october. I can't afford the plane ticket or the hotel...I don't know what to do...they already said I can't "phone in" and I have to be there.

Pyro
2007-09-26, 05:25 PM
Wow Hippie you're going to be a therapist? Sounds cool. Do you ever try to get inside your friend's/family's heads?

smellie_hippie
2007-09-27, 05:51 AM
Wow Hippie you're going to be a therapist? Sounds cool. Do you ever try to get inside your friend's/family's heads?

No. :smallamused:

And in fact I get told many times to "stop using your therapist voice" by my wife and kids. It's almost over... I test on Saturday. :smallsigh:

Oh, but then I have to wait 4 friggin weeks for my results! :smallfurious:

Morrandir
2007-09-27, 04:50 PM
Just remember Smellie, if you think your test is hard, just think of the Cisco Certification test.

They put you in a room with $500,000 worth of network equipment, and you make a network. Top to bottom. Then, once you finish, they let you out, they go in, and break something. You have 30 minutes to figure out what it was and fix it.

At least, thinking of tests that are harder help me relax about the one I'm taking.

Volug
2007-09-29, 06:03 PM
no matter how hard i try i cant press the reply button.....

maybe someone can PM me and i can possible try it then...


@V:im a boy by the way

heretic
2007-09-29, 06:09 PM
PM Bor or Hippie. Or me. I'm not qualified or helpful, but I am naturally curious about other people's problems.

So yeah, PM Bor or Hippie. If you were a girl, I'd say PM Serpentine too. You can if you want. I just think that she's better at the female side of things.

Volug
2007-09-29, 07:06 PM
PM Bor or Hippie. Or me. I'm not qualified or helpful, but I am naturally curious about other people's problems.

So yeah, PM Bor or Hippie. If you were a girl, I'd say PM Serpentine too. You can if you want. I just think that she's better at the female side of things.

alright.... though i doubt it.

Somethings you cant tell anyone no matter what you know what i mean?

Rex Idiotarum
2007-09-29, 07:16 PM
Yup, trying to get my life back in gear. I won't go over the details, but I spent the last couple nights over a friend's house. Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy, and beating myself up over it doesn't help.

I guess now I just have to get a job. Same problem as before, how do I get over my fears and just apply?

EmeraldRose
2007-09-29, 07:51 PM
Rex, the first thing you have to do is just take a deep breath..and do it. It's no big hidden mystery, though it is a difficult thing to do.

Just start filling out massive numbers of applications and taking them in. Try to hand them to an actual manager of whatever place you are going into.

Wait about 3-5 days, and then call back to check on the status of your application.

Good luck on your job hunt!

*loans Rex the Rifle of Job Hunting +2, and the Explorer's Hat +1*

These came in handy for me this last time!

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-09-30, 01:53 PM
While I want to address all of the woes placed on the thread since my last response, my brain refuses to come up with reasonable solutions.

However, I WILL give a reply to Rex, the Hugging Misanthropist. :smallwink:

Rex and I have a kind of kinship. Heck, I have a kinship with many people here, all for the same reason. (If you haven't guessed, it's Bor story time. :smallsmile: )

Back at the end of what we once called junior high school here in the States, I was given an IQ test. The reason was that I seemed to have an issue passing ALL of my classes. I was barely scraping by in every subject, and this had many people wondering if I was...ummm...special. A below average IQ would easily explain my difficulties and everyone could give a sigh of relief, and then they could address the problem.

Uh huh.

The psychologist discussed the test results with me once I started seeing her on a semi-regular basis. When I asked for my IQ, as represented by a mere number, she couldn't answer. I blew the scale in an unexpected way, as my test results simply didn't fit the structure of formulating a number. The specific note she shared with me was that I was "near genius without effort."

And just how did I pull this off?

Asked to draw a house, I did so...as simple a house I could muster...in three-point perspective, plotting structure lines and conforming the house to those. I assure you, the psychologist was not expecting a house drawn on an X, Y, Z axis.

When shown a simple photo of a young man and woman and asked to describe what I was seeing, I went into a description of an elaborate cut-scene for West Side Story between Tony and Maria. (Parents were big on Broadway musicals, and I even performed in a few community theater productions.) This showed that my creativity was off the scale.

I was reading at a second year college level at age 14. The doc made a note of my capacity to take words and break them down into simpler components to gain an understanding of them.

Math was a bit of an issue. Either I could solve an example or I could not. The problem was that those I couldn't solve were abandoned if I couldn't immediately muster an answer. I didn't want to do the work on paper or in my head. Yet I would look at advanced math problems, immediately grasp what was being represented, and would suggest where an answer could be found. My methods when looking at those advanced problems were untraditional and would be unacceptable if shown to a math teacher, but I was obviously understanding the work...just not wanting to do it properly.

So here was the problem...The IQ test, like school, had a structure. And I was fighting the structure with all my might. Given a coloring book and a box of crayons, I would draw abstract art over the neat lines presented in the book. I was an oval peg in a square hole.

You paying attention, Rex? This is you. Incredible intellect and ability, trapped in a simple human body that is similarly trapped in the structure of the world. "You have great power, Peter. With great power comes great responsibility." [/Uncle Ben] There is nothing you can't do when you put your mind to it...you just don't want to put your mind to it under the current circumstances.

I know excatly what you're thinking. "Golly, Mr. Bor! What should I do?" :smallwink:

Well, Beaver, it's like this...Like all the superheroes in the world with immense power, you must learn to suppress your gifts when walking among mere mortals. Superman would crush Lois Lane if he didn't hold back A LOT while hugging her. Play by the rules set by your "superiors" until such a time when you can set a few rules of your own. When around average humans, do your best to think inside the box. As the years pass, you will be able to leave smaller minds behind and succeed on your own ground.

As to your job hunting: stop volunteering information. When someone asks you if you have the time, and you have a time-piece on hand, you don't tell them the time. "Do you have the time?" "Yes." (Simplicity is sometimes tough to pull off.) The "sin of omission" may grate on your standards, but mortals can't always handle the very concept of your true power. Learn the skills of positive thinking that the companies want you to have and demonstrate them. You don't have to like people to care about them and help them.

Heck...I've said it before, and I'll say it again. "I hate people because I care about them. If I could care less, I'd like them more." Such is the way of the barbarian monk. :smallwink:

Cyrano
2007-09-30, 07:33 PM
Is there any way to reverse that? Could I take a lopsidedly average intelligence and then radically reverse it into uberhood around people?
'Cause, you know, that would be nice.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-09-30, 07:39 PM
Is there any way to reverse that? Could I take a lopsidedly average intelligence and then radically reverse it into uberhood around people?
'Cause, you know, that would be nice.


Rex and I have a kind of kinship. Heck, I have a kinship with many people here, all for the same reason.
How do you know you aren't on that list, oh sexually ambiguous one? :smalltongue:

Cyrano
2007-09-30, 07:43 PM
I never said that. All I said is if there was a way to take me and make me smarter.
Hell, I should take an IQ test one day...it'd be interesting.
And what kinship? As far as I know, I'm kin to THREE people exactly. They're all my BROTHERS. So don't get ahead of yerself thar.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-09-30, 07:46 PM
I think the thing that's the worse is that I feel mute. Like no one listens to me. And yeah, you can say you guys do, and I thank you for that, but my parent's strict internet rules are even starting to mute me here. They won't listen to me and won't even answer me when I ask 'Why?' I caught my mom in an arguement where she used the 'Because I said so.' line. Because my wishes and input mean nothing.

I spent the next two nights over a friend's house. So I just sit there, unable to talk to people who will listen. It sucks.

Don Julio Anejo
2007-09-30, 10:47 PM
I'm not really depressed, more like stressed, but being away from home sucks. Especially since I'm living by myself in a studio on rez, and I'm used to someone always being around the house. And I'm already missing good food (my mom's a chef), and cooking anything half-decent takes me too long to do it more often than once or twice a week...

Micate
2007-09-30, 11:23 PM
Is there any way to reverse that? Could I take a lopsidedly average intelligence and then radically reverse it into uberhood around people?
'Cause, you know, that would be nice.

It's possible, but it only lasts so long before you relapse and become even stupider. Not worth it in the long run.

Don Julio Anejo
2007-09-30, 11:26 PM
Is there any way to reverse that? Could I take a lopsidedly average intelligence and then radically reverse it into uberhood around people?
'Cause, you know, that would be nice.
That's probably not the best of ideas. How would people know you're smart? That's the thing. Obviously smart people are either big bores or really arrogant. Neither helps them get along with others.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-09-30, 11:26 PM
Crap, I know what book you're referring to, but I forget what it's called. *Starts Cursing*

Crow
2007-10-02, 11:31 AM
I almost cried last night.

My San Diego Padres lost the one-game tie-breaker that would have given them the wild card in the MLB playoffs. I should be used to this sort of thing by now, being a Padre fan (We've never won a World Series), but that is not all. The game was amazing, and lasted 13 innings. It had ups and downs and was absolute emotional rollercoaster for anyone who loves either of these teams. I was emotional enough already at the loss, but the kicker is that the runner that scored the winning run never touched home plate.

There I was, screaming at the umpire, "He's out! He's out!" I almost blew a capillary. If that call had gone right, there was no guarantee my Padres would have won, but it would have meant a tie game, rather than an immediate loss, and two outs. You can even see the guy in the on-deck circle yelling at the runner (Matt Holliday) to touch the plate, just as the catcher is applying the tag!

That game should have gone at least one more at-bat. I was absolutely crushed. How fitting it is for the hapless Padres that their season should end because of a blown call.

I know this sounds really stupid to some of you, but I just needed to get it out. It was crushing. I couldn't believe it. I am going to remember that game for the rest of my life.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-10-02, 12:46 PM
*snippity*

I know this sounds really stupid to some of you, but I just needed to get it out. It was crushing. I couldn't believe it. I am going to remember that game for the rest of my life.
It may sound stupid to some, but I have a kind of understanding to what you feel. With some of us, our lives are so full of garbage that we'd like one thing - just ONE thing - to go our way, even if it's just something one might consider a hobby or recreation.

Like the movie-goer who awaits the release of a film for a year, rushes out to see it on opening day, and finds it so bad they want to throw themselves into traffic.

Or the writer who has a great idea for a story, sits in front of the computer for hours writing nothing because he can't find the words, and then wants to run out and hurt something due to frustration.

These are not life and death situations; our survival doesn't depend on them. But we become so wrapped up in some of our desires that we feel a kind of agony when the dreams are crushed.

Distressing though it is, a dream that's crushed can always be rebuilt. Try to have hope, Crow. :smallsmile:

Micate
2007-10-02, 01:15 PM
San Diegan here myself. I knew we were in doo doo when they got those 2 runs in a row. But losing to an umpire? My roomate nearly broke the TV. That said, I'm not a huge sports fan, so I just shrug my shoulders and move on.

Crow
2007-10-02, 02:13 PM
Thank you guys. A game has never affected me like this before. I don't know if it is because of the other crap going on in my life, and I just wanted this ONE thing so badly like Bor said, or what. I just still can't believe it.

I am hoping the Phillies destroy the Rockies in the playoffs. I think I may feel a little better if some justice is wrought.

Hoggy
2007-10-02, 04:54 PM
GRAH.

Just got told by the girl I've been crushing on for a while now that she's got a date with my former best mate. He knew I liked her, he knew how close I was to getting with her, I'm hoping he's figured not to show his face tomorrow. I'm not responsible. Or rational, but sod that right now.

EDIT: Oh, and Ian Mackaye died today. Oh, and I've been informed I have A2 exams after Download so can't go Download. And my car goes in for MOT tomorrow so I have no wheels next few days. This really ****ing sucks.

Yeril
2007-10-02, 05:10 PM
My.. house.. is.. realy..realy.. bloody.. COLD :smallfurious:

Sir_Norbert
2007-10-02, 08:51 PM
Just got told by the girl I've been crushing on for a while now that she's got a date with my former best mate. He knew I liked her, he knew how close I was to getting with her
Um.... how do you know you were "close"? If she's going out with someone else you probably weren't, no matter what it may have looked like; she probably just doesn't like you in that way. That may help you feel a bit better about it.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-10-06, 04:15 PM
This was a post I...ummm...posted...to my Floor Huggers, the supergroup dedicated to dying with a smile on City of Heroes/Villains (commonly referred to as "CoX"). My need to vent has brought the issue here, as well, so I can get...something.


I've had a need to rant all evening, Huggers. Tears have been coming to my eyes, and I've fought them off...but it's been a rough fight all evening long.

As you all know, I'm disabled. I tried to find a job, found the job, and was promptly handed the bad news that if I earn more than $120/month, my medical coverage will go from mediocre to nightmarish. As frustrating as this is, I'm still looking for SOMETHING to do with my day.

Now, my apartment complex has dozens of kids that run and scream and play once school is out. Most of these kids are Mexican, which presents a language gap more often than not when communicating with their parents. There are, amongst the miniature throng, four kids that are Caucasian. I have spoken to these kids from time to time, chased them away when they tried to enter my apartment to play with my cat, and even spoke to their mother once when the youngest, age 3, almost wandered away with me because I was going food shopping, and he apparently thought I was someone to go along with. Not good.

As much as I enjoy playing CoX all day long, sometimes I need something else to do with my time. With bravery inspired by the mind-altering effects of my meds, I approached the kids' parents to offer babysitting services. I told them I would come cheap when it comes to such services. No need to hand me cash...pay me with a loaf of bread and some coldcuts. Buy me a couple of bottles of Diet Coke. Let me help you in handling your little tribe, and help me a bit in return. Good deed for good deed. Simple, right?

Now put yourself in the shoes of a parent. A single guy, age 40, that lives alone with his cat, has offered to watch your children, all of whom have yet to see the age of 10. In today's world, I fit the perfect profile of a pedophile setting up some fresh victims.

I stood and spoke with the kids' parents for almost an hour, chatting it up, trying to clarify my thoughts on such things...yet I gradually started feeling very uncomfortable. It's not that I'm a predator in any way, and that my discomfort stemmed from any such thing. It's that I'm a nice guy, offering to be a nice guy to people who, at times, may be overwhelmed with their family of six living in a one-bedroom apartment, and felt the reputation of monsters had preceeded me.

The news is filled with people being evil to one another on a daily basis. Heck, I've been committing some serious crimes on CoV on a daily basis, all in the interest of fun. But I'm not one of "them." I COULDN'T be one of them. Every time I've raised my hand in anger, I've required x-rays to be sure I haven't broken something new. When I caught my very first fiancee in the arms of another man, I promptly broke my foot on a car. The same applied when an ex-girlfriend did her best to taunt me, and I cracked a few bones in my hand when I punched something more solid than bone. Hurt a child? The day I intentionally do such a thing - and I have accidentally hurt a kid or two while roughhousing - is the day I invite an entire city to lynch me.

Since my conversation with these parents, I have felt that there is no place in the world for a nice guy. I have made it my business to wander across my complex to warn parents that their children are happily interacting with a stranger - me - and that the kids should be taught to guard themselves against such behavior. One reward after such an effort on my part was to have a mother scream at me about how I shouldn't tell her how to raise her kids. As kind and understanding as I tried to be in that incident, the mother felt I had overstepped my bounds. I could well have abducted that cute little girl, but chose to warn her mother instead. Who knew a "thank you" was so hard to give?

About a month or two ago, I was at WalMart, where I found a little boy, about age 6 or so, wandering the ailses without an adult in sight. Well, the child was taken into custody by store staff, and I went about my shopping. I heard several announcements for the child's parents to collect their lost little one. When I was done shopping some 20 minutes later, I went to find out if the child was okay. There was the kid, with no parent, still waiting for someone to realize he'd become lost. I was flabbergasted. How long does your child need to be missing before you wonder where he's gone to? When I offered to stick around and tell police how I'd found the boy, I was dismissed with a, "That's okay, sir. Thank you." Like the kind deed meant nothing at all.

Heck...Today, with so few acts of kindness, you'd think they'd want to elevate me to celebrity status for doing the right thing. Not that I was looking for such a thing, but a touch of recognition would have been appreciated. Pat me on the back and THEN dismiss. That would have been fine. Nope. I felt as though it was more like, "Thank you, freak. Your good deed will be labelled under the 'completely bizarre' file, and we'll be sure to avoid you at all costs."

It's enough to make me start watching the skies in hopes that I will see the mother ship coming my way. I'm a nice guy. A nice guy has no place on Earth. It's time for me to head back to my home planet.
As a final note, I would like to add that humans suck. :smallannoyed:

RationalGoblin
2007-10-06, 04:41 PM
*hugs Bor*

I don't know what to say, so I shall simply say this:

If I ever meet you in real life, I will spend several months helping you in anyway I can.

In fact, if I become a business CEO of some kind of jobs you'd do well at, I'd give you wads of cash and the best medical coverage money can buy, my own resources be danged.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-10-06, 09:57 PM
*hugs Bor*

I don't know what to say, so I shall simply say this:

If I ever meet you in real life, I will spend several months helping you in anyway I can.

In fact, if I become a business CEO of some kind of jobs you'd do well at, I'd give you wads of cash and the best medical coverage money can buy, my own resources be danged.
It is this sort of kindness that can restore my faith in humanity, but as I recently griped to someone who gave me a bit of help...I'd rather EARN it.

I started "working" when I was eight years old. We had a family business in Brooklyn, and when dad realized I could hit the little buttons and count back change properly, he sat me down at the register and had me ring up customers for a whopping $5 each Saturday. Thirty-two years ago, this meant that I was in comic book heaven on Sunday.

Until May of 2000, I worked. Yes, my employment history was nightmarish toward the end, but I was accustomed to having some kind of job that I, like the masses, could gripe about, yet still feel some pride in that I EARNED my paycheck. It's funny how you rarely acknowledge the pride in such a simple deed until you are told, "You cannot hold down normal employment anymore."

This is not to say that I won't accept a three-ton box filled with one hundred dollar bills. Yes, I'd like to earn the money, but I'm not a moron. :smallwink: But there's a part of me that cringes every time I ask for/receive a handout. I'd rather know I worked for the reward than received it...because. :smallsigh:

Sorry. It's been one of those...lifetimes.

bosssmiley
2007-10-06, 10:14 PM
As a final note, I would like to add that humans suck. :smallannoyed:

Yes Bor, but - as you yourself so often prove - we also rock! Therein lies the paradox which is the very heart of the human conundrum. Crazy damn humans that we are. :smallwink:

Rex Idiotarum
2007-10-06, 11:19 PM
As a final note, I would like to add that humans suck. :smallannoyed:

Excellent, Bor, embrace the Cynicism and strike me down to set yourself down the path to the Da'k Side!
Mahahahaha!

DarkLightDragon
2007-10-07, 05:34 AM
As a final note, I would like to add that humans suck. :smallannoyed: Damn right!

Do we get cookies, Rex? :smalltongue:

Serpentine
2007-10-07, 05:53 AM
Hey Bor, have you ever considered moving to a country town? They can be kinda stand-offish and exclusive, but it's less stressful (at least for me), it's (generally) cheaper, there's always someone who has some oddjobs to be done (my sister's boyfriend's parents exchange favours for favours, e.g. they did something for a friend, gave them a home-grown turkey or wood or something, and the friend built them a "wine cellar"), and generally speaking they're more trusting. Hell, even when the guy who ran the youth group where I did high school was accused by his ex-wife of sexually abusing his kids, the youth group went on as usual because everyone knew him and knew there'd be a number of kids there anyway. The only thing there was that my mum told me not to go there outside youthgroup and/or on my own, "for his reputation's sake".

rubakhin
2007-10-07, 06:18 AM
Ay, Borya. If I had any money, I would take you with me back home to Russia. In America - everybody is so paranoid! It breaks my heart to hear such things. I heard once of a missing child who was last seen wandering around on the freeway in the winter with no jacket, dazed. And dozens or hundreds of cars must've passed that child, but of course they don't stop, because if they made it their business they might get into real trouble, or at least looked at with suspicion by everyone. That kid is probably dead and raped somewhere because of this sad paranoia. I've heard laments from a lot of fathers, about how they take their children to the playground and the mothers give them awful looks. And terrible stories about innocent families who were harassed to no end by the cops because someone called in, having seen them doing normal things like taking a walk together or roughhousing. Ach. A little eight-year-old cousin in an interrogation room, being told vague, threatening things like, "You have to tell us that he did something bad. If you don't tell us, bad things are going to happen to other children."

In America, if you go up to an interesting stranger and make conversation, or offer to carry his bags or try to give a sweet to his children, they get a look of animal panic on their face - "why should a stranger ever talk to me?!" I will never understand how anyone manages to meet others here. Whereas in Russia, you know, if you go out in public all of a sudden you become everybody's business. They never leave you alone in Russia. Old grandmothers will come up to you saying "Put a hat on the baby! Cut his hair!"

I don't know, maybe it's just Connecticut. *sigh* If I don't find some way, any way, to get out of this country, I'm going to mainline Drano.

Hannes
2007-10-07, 06:28 AM
I'm just plainly depressed. So depressed I'm apathetic about it. Almost.

School is plain boring, nothing offers joy anymore. So I try to think about it in my room. I feel sad. I want to cry, but I can't. So I hibernate.

Mind you, there ARE a few people whose presence helps. As if talking to them is a reason to live. -shrug- Maybe it's just that I'm exhausted from waking up at 6 am, walking 2 km in extreme sleepiness, school, busride, another 2 km walk, study, eat, sleep.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-10-07, 07:12 AM
No cookies for the Da'k side. But you do get to sit alone in the dark sulking. Or, you can apt for our Old Geezer Package and gripe at youngsters for their music these days and their skirts so short you can see their asses.

Serpentine
2007-10-07, 07:25 AM
What would the length of their legwear have to do with the visibility of their donkeys? :smallconfused:

Rex Idiotarum
2007-10-07, 07:34 AM
In the olden days skirts got bigger and donkeys got smaller so that women could ride them without being seen.

http://www.morninggloryantiques.com/imagesJC/PhotoLadies/VctJi.jpg
http://www.alpaca.net.au/kenilworth/donkimg/bourbon.jpg

Can you believe she hides her ass in there?

Jibar
2007-10-07, 07:37 AM
*headdesk*

That was Death-Worthy Rex.
And for that, I hate you.

DarkLightDragon
2007-10-07, 08:55 AM
I can totally imagine Death saying that :smallbiggrin:

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-10-07, 02:04 PM
That's for the support and...ummm...suggestions. I appreciate the offer, Rex Palpatine, but there's a scene in the script where I later get to party with the ewoks, and...well, there's gonna be girls. :smallwink:

Serpentine, yours is something I've considered quite often. The problem is my need to see specialists as often as I do. A small town is often a great distance from a heavily populated area where I can find and receive the help I require.

Although I must admit that some of my encounters in small towns have been entertaining. Like when I was traveling from Long Island to visit a friend in upstate NY. I passed through a town that wasn't even worthy of a traffic light. I was thirsty, so I pulled over at the general store, grabbed a Diet Coke, and brought it to the counter. The clerk told me that it would cost me 50 cents, (half the price I was accustomed to paying). "Fifty cents?!?" I exclaimed. The clerk was dead-serious when he replied, "Yeah, it is kinda expensive, ain't it?" :smallwink:

I also have a kind of fear of small towns, as...hmmm...number of factors there.

1. While my education technically remains incomplete, I'm still a relatively smart bird. I'm afraid that I would find myself in a place I want to be, but still not fitting in because people would think I was a "big city snob." And that's just from vocabulary use.
2. Maybe it's my own ignorance, but I worry that I'll have to spend so many hours on a display depestal labeled "Jew" after they find out where my beliefs lie. Rarely does something intelligent come out of a conversation when two ignorant minds meet.
3. There is an advantage to living in Phoenix, AZ, in that winter is more like "extreme fall." This works well with my various conditions, as a genuine winter can have terrible affects on my neuropathy.

That lasy one has been growing into a bigger problem each winter. The cold, even in AZ, has an affect on my circulation and nerve conduction. It has reached a point where I can show someone the rather obvious atrophying of muscles in my hands. The colder it gets, the more useless my hands become. Moving to another country then becomes an issue unto itself due to climate.

*sigh* I really wish my original name had been Kal El, and that I'd been rocketed to Earth as a baby. My life would be very different.

Cyrano
2007-10-07, 03:05 PM
Actually, you'd just be Le Lak the Barbarian Monk.
Move to Canada. Free medicare, FREE I say.

Mr. Moon
2007-10-07, 04:05 PM
I don't know how to feel right now.

I just found out that my Granddad is going to die soon. My dad came down here to say his goodbyes, and called us to say hi. Mom had to call him and shout at him before he even considered having my brother and I along to say our good-byes.

But the thing is, I'm not sure I want to. I never really knew him, and it feels a bit like I'd just be saying "Oh, right, I have a grandfather on my dad's side. I should say good bye to him." And in truth, it seems like Mom's the one who needs to say good-bye the most. And I'm not sure I want to see my Dad right now.

God, I'm so confused!

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-10-07, 05:52 PM
Before I go on, I would like to note that I fell and couldn't get up. Yes, on top of my regular woes, I tripped over a curb a managed to scrape all limbs taking the literal fall. Sprained my left thumb in the process, too....at least I hope it's just a sprain. :smalleek:


I don't know how to feel right now.

I just found out that my Granddad is going to die soon. My dad came down here to say his goodbyes, and called us to say hi. Mom had to call him and shout at him before he even considered having my brother and I along to say our good-byes.

But the thing is, I'm not sure I want to. I never really knew him, and it feels a bit like I'd just be saying "Oh, right, I have a grandfather on my dad's side. I should say good bye to him." And in truth, it seems like Mom's the one who needs to say good-bye the most. And I'm not sure I want to see my Dad right now.

God, I'm so confused!
MC, I had a similar experience last year, in that an uncle I'd never met sent out an invitation for his estranged family to contact him. Since the last time I saw him was when I was a toddler, I had no memory of him whatsoever. But he was dying, and a part of me said I should TRY to find out who this mysterious man is.

So I did. And in the process, I discovered a man of experience and wisdom that, had there been time, I would have made an even bigger effort to get to know him.

But time was against us. There was really no chance that a man in his late 60's would survive leukemia, especially when any treatment that might cure him had a greater chance of killing him. He's gone now, and I grieve for the loss. But now that I know him a bit, I can say that he would rather I celebrate his life than mourn his death. It's also really cool that I had an uncle known by the nickname, "Coney Island Jim." :smallsmile:

Ask youself this and make your decision: "Will I ever regret not seeing my grandfather before he passed?" If the answer is yes, then go see him. If the answer is no, don't see him. This choice, as heavy as it is, can only be made by one person. I wish you all the luck in the world making it.

A Rainy Knight
2007-10-07, 06:31 PM
Bor, I agree with you that it's sad that people no longer trust each other. But I don't think that it means that there's no place for a nice guy. Sometimes, it's the little things that count the most. Heck, I smile every time I see the "Be Well" in your signature. I suppose what I mean is, if our society is going to reach a state where people are closer to other people, it's not going to happen in one glorious revolution. We have to slowly work our way back to the 'good old days' that many people talk about. And just some small acts of friendliness like a smile and a "Hello" would probably be our first step. Let me finish by saying that I wish you well, Bor the Barbarian Monk. :smile:

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-10-07, 09:47 PM
Thanks. :smallsmile:

What's most distressing is that such paranoia is founded. Villains and heroes often look alike.

I have hope, however, despite the scary side of humanity.

That fall I took is starting to shape up into something I might want to pursue medically. My left hand is swelling more and more, and hurts like heck. But that's besides the point. I fell in a virtually empty parking lot. A man just happen to be driving toward the exit when he saw me unceremoniously hug the floor. While a part of my brain was trying to catch up with current events, he was out of his vehicle and helping me get to my feet.

The site of my fall was right next to my apartment complex. I declined his invitation to sit on the very curb I'd tripped over, (as I'm sure it would have tried to kill me), was sure to thank him in Spanish, and limped toward home.

As I walked onto the complex property, a woman whom I'd seen around offered to catch up with me and check on me, which was nice.

But as I went, I was feeling worse, and managed to wish she'd helped me get to my place.

Luckily, a pair of youths were on their way out. I'm talking a pair of 10-year-olds whom I usually wish would remain silent, as their screaming when they play grates a bit. The pain and sight of my wounds was making me queasy, so I asked the two to escort me to my apartment, just to be sure I didn't take another fall. They did, marveling at my impressive wounds along the way.

No sooner had I walked in the door than that woman caught up to me. She stayed while I dressed my wounds, distracting me nicely with idle chat. (For the record, cleaning open flesh with alcohol swabs HURTS!)

Here's the thing: I knew NONE of these people by name, and the gentleman who helped me up was a complete stranger. Despite a world filled with varying kinds of evil, and the fact that I'm in a lot of pain at this moment, it's nice to know there are kind people out there willing to help. :smallsmile:

As an extra note, I went into superhero mode once I'd addressed my wounds. I sought the two kids, was able to contact the parent of only one of them, and told the boy's father that his son had done a good deed for a relative stranger. It became a funny moment, when the dad ruffled his son's hair and said, "That's great! Now I don't have to beat him today!" :smallwink:

DarkLightDragon
2007-10-07, 09:56 PM
That's awesome to hear, Bor. Nice that there's still some goodness left in this world. Just wish there was more of it around my area :smallsigh:

*hug*

Rex Idiotarum
2007-10-07, 10:19 PM
Well, Bor, I realized you cannot trust a person by their face, people by their words, or even actions without results.

Although I'll have to admit, if I saw a random person fall on the sidewalk, I would laugh at them.

It's the reason I hung out by that skate park today, not planning to skate, just muttering to myself, "C'mon, fall, fall ,fall... break something."

I'm saddened that you, Bor, were the only one to fall today, and I'm sorry I wasn't there.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-10-07, 10:23 PM
So you could laugh at me? :smallconfused:

Yet another memory of my ex comes to mind as she was often horrified when people would get hurt...except for some good old blunt head trauma. She would giggle every time I hit my head on something.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-10-07, 10:27 PM
Hey, I do it all because I'm evil, this is the life you see, the devil tips his hat to me.

Course, that's because I, myself, am accident prone. In a family of accident prone males.

In fact, my grandfather for whom I was named, was apparently really accident prone. Like, missing a few fingers accident prone.

If I don't get injured, I did something wrong.

DarkLightDragon
2007-10-08, 01:49 PM
So I spent, like, 4 hours lying in bed with my eyes closed, but I'm not asleep-asleep. I decided screw thi, and went on the internets a bit. Now I'm gonna try falling asleep again. I don't normally post like this or make typos when I'm awake, but meh. I'm not awake. Nighty-night.

The average peerson takes 7 minutes to fall asleep. I take lots longer than that.

Micate
2007-10-08, 02:56 PM
The average peerson takes 7 minutes to fall asleep. I take lots longer than that.

On an average night it can take up to 70 minutes for me to fall asleep. You're not alone in your restlessness. That said, staying up until I'm completely exhausted does wonders for my ability to fall asleep. Not recommended if you actually need your rest though, since it means reducing the total amount of sleep you get.

PlatinumJester
2007-10-08, 02:58 PM
On an average night it can take up to 70 minutes for me to fall asleep. You're not alone in your restlessness. That said, staying up until I'm completely exhausted does wonders for my ability to fall asleep. Not recommended if you actually need your rest though, since it means reducing the total amount of sleep you get.

When I can't get to sleep I listen to the city outside my house. I find it soothing and quite relax in a weird way since it is changing.

Micate
2007-10-08, 03:06 PM
When I can't get to sleep I listen to the city outside my house. I find it soothing and quite relax in a weird way since it is changing.

I'm a bit paranoid, so the sounds of people frighten me. I've just gotten used to the idea of not being able to sleep well. And of course I forgot my second cure for restlessness. Alcohol. A nice stiff drink before bed works better than warm milk (and doesn't taste like warm milk). I just can't see alcohol ever doing good things to the body, so I try and avoid that one.

PlatinumJester
2007-10-08, 03:30 PM
I'm a bit paranoid, so the sounds of people frighten me. I've just gotten used to the idea of not being able to sleep well. And of course I forgot my second cure for restlessness. Alcohol. A nice stiff drink before bed works better than warm milk (and doesn't taste like warm milk). I just can't see alcohol ever doing good things to the body, so I try and avoid that one.

Yeah, I live in Hackney which my friend describes as the "Compton of London" so I'm a bit paranoid to. One year, on my 14th Birthday some guy tried to break into our house throught he back garden because there had been a stabbing at a party a few houses down and he had jumped the fences to get away but out house is the lat in the row so the only way out was through our house. It took about 25 minutes for the police to come after my mum phoned by which point he had run back through the gardens and escaped some how.

Now I sleep with a katana next to my bed. It's blunt but it will scare the crap out of anyone who sees it whilst trying to break into my house. I'm workig on a bow and some arrows as well since I could easily shoot down into my garden through my window.

Aereshaa_the_2nd
2007-10-08, 10:12 PM
In view of the fact that I live in the downtown area, and have many shiny, stealable electronics in my house, I have in my bedroom, a titanium alloy racket, a heavy-duty knife, and an assortment of heavy books easily used to bash a man's brains.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-10-08, 10:45 PM
Well, I'm back on the thread to, once again, gripe, while at the same time temporarily ignoring those posting here.

That fall I took seems to have hurt me more than I realized. What's more, it hurts more than I realized when I realized it. Confused? I will explain.

My injuries kept me awake all night due to the pain in my...well, many places. I was scheduled to have a CAT scan today, and planned on waking at 5 AM. I had even arranged for Julie to call me multiple times from NY to be sure I got my tuchas out of bed. By 4 AM, I realized there would be no sleep. Thus, I decided shower to start getting ready for my day.

I took off my right sock....and all preparations stopped. I don't recall my big to being THAT big, and NOTHING close to that...ummm...those colors. No broken skin. Just incredibly ugly.

Okay...on with the shower, where I discovered water and my various scrapes were not mixing well. I was also shivering after my hot shower, which was not a good sign. I dried off, got dressed, also dressing my various injuries, and chose to take my temp. 99.1 F. Far from a fever, but also far from normal for me, who's a 97 F kinda guy.

My plans to get that CAT scan were over and done with. I needed to get to the ER to get looked at.

My treatment involved a lot of "hurry up and wait." They gave me a shot of an antibiotic, Ansef...Anceph...An - REALLY freakin' painful stuff when it's injected into a muscle. :smalleek: (IM = Intra-Muscular.) As I lay there and wished I could receive treatment for the treatment, the x-ray tech comes along to get some pictures of my ugly toe. The session in the x-ray room invloved me having to put most of my weight exactly where I received that shot. I was in misery. The only good part was that, with the shot, I'd been given a pill that would help take the edge off my various aches and pains.

The doctor treating me was actually shocked. Despite the severe ugliness of my wounded toe, there was no sign whatsoever of a break. I was handed some prescriptions, two of which were for antibiotics, and sent home.

It was 2 PM when I got home. After an hour of doing things that still needed doing, albeit nothing strenuous, I went to bed around 3 PM.

I awoke an hour before making this whining post (7:38 PM). I feel like someone has been kicking me in my left kidney while I was asleep. I'm praying this pain will abate. If not, tomorrow morning, it'll be back to the ER to receive an emergency CAT scan, much like the one I've been trying to get to for a week now.

I hurt a lot. The humor of klutz jokes is gone. I think I did some semi-serious damage to myself. I'm miserable with pain, despite the painkillers I was given to bring home.

Ultimately, I'm depressed because I don't seem to get a break. =*(

Rex Idiotarum
2007-10-08, 10:47 PM
Should change your name to Job.

Serpentine
2007-10-08, 11:35 PM
Serpentine, yours is something I've considered quite often. The problem is my need to see specialists as often as I do. A small town is often a great distance from a heavily populated area where I can find and receive the help I require.
In that case, you should come to Australia. There's Tallangatta, which is half an hour away from a pretty big town that I think could have the specialists you need. Then there's the real outback: Flying Doctor and internet consultations :smallbiggrin: Also while our health system has been in decline lately (then again, when isn't it?), I'm sure you wouldn't be left in the lurch like it sounds like you tend to be now, and your medicine would almost certainly be at least subsidised by the government.
Also, I know it's bad, but Bor, I can't help but laugh a little at your misfortune. It's just so ridiculously piled up on you. You should complain to God/Your choice of fate-distributer.

Mattarias, King.
2007-10-08, 11:49 PM
*Sigh..*

:smallfrown: I'm sad. I had a dream I can't get out of my head. I figured this would be the place to vent..

I had a dream that me and my girlfriend were somewhere. Adventuring, or whatever, I dunno.. Typical stuff, we save each other from pirates, and whatnot.. But there was something different- We had a daughter.

She was so cute, too. :smallredface: Kinda tiny, a toddler, but she could walk and talk better than I expected. she had shoulder-length blonde/brown-ish hair, like my girlfriend, which she had in the tiniest ponytail I've ever seen.. She also had brown eyes like mine, and had a silly little face and wore an equally silly white dress painted with abstract flowers..

*Sniff* sorry.. uhm.. where was I..? oh, uhm, yeah.. Her name began with an A... I think it was Anya, but I honestly am not sure..

I'm sorry I'm giving such a description.. Thing is, my girlfriend hates babies. She doesn't want to have one, be around one, or have to do with them in general.. She's even considering somehow getting rid of her ability to have one at all.. And, well.. I don't want to forget Anya, my daughter from my dreams.. The one I'll never know.. I fell in love with the little one as she called me her dad and ran around, helping her parents, stealing rides on my shoulders every time she got tired.. It's like denying someone you love ever existed. It's horrible.. I don't want to forget her. I don't want to make my girlfriend to anything she doesn't want to, either.. I know my daughter will probably never exist, but... But I dunno..

*Sniff*.. sorry. I need tissues..

The Orange Zergling
2007-10-08, 11:49 PM
'kay... so, sorry if theres a limit to how far apart asking for help/condolences/rants I'm breaching, thread was too long, didn't read much of it.

There's a friend of mine... let's call him Bob. Bob's been a friend for around 2 and 1/2 years now, and we share a lot of interests and have a lot of stuff in common. Although, Bob isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. His brother is extremely autistic, so I'd not be surprised if he has at least a small degree-mental disorder. But, once more, not the point. Basically, from square one, he's just sort of decided I was his friend. We met at a summer camp thingy, and didn't really interact, which is even weirder, it's like I was picked from a pot or something.

Bob and I keep seeing eachother, usually he's the organizer of things. I never really liked his company a whole lot, he's, to be honest, the epitome of somebody I like to avoid, lazy, untidy, and somewhat below his calender age. I think his social skills just aren't really developed a whole lot, which may not entirely be his fault, but still. I've been sacrificing my time and energy to keep this friendship up, because I never had the courage to end it. But now? I'm thinking I might want to do that. I don't like him a whole lot, but for some reason he's really attached to me.

Now, I'm getting flashbacks of my brother. He only really had one friend growing up, lets call him Joe. Joe was nice, shared his interests well enough. But one day, when they were supposed to go trick or treating out together, he just never showed up. Next morning his mother said he went to a party instead, and it was over. It wasn't really that it ended, so much how it ended. It was a major blow to my brother, and he never really got any more friends until recently. Joe turned out to be an ass, I'll give him that.

I don't want to end up like that. I don't want to be Joe. But I don't want to keep throwing away my time and resources keeping up a false friendship that I also get nothing out of emotionally. And yet, I couldn't do that to him. I just can't. I was born with an above average intelligence, at least enough to be considered gifted. All my life I've looked at my fellows of the average level and, as much as I absolutely despise being above other people, can't help but not like what I see. People who have undeveloped or average social skills always irritated me. A lot. Probably because I'd just been more exposed to people as a child. Ironic, given my generally sheepish nature.

Not intending to toot my own horn or anything here, but it needs to be said. I can't hurt people. I just can't. Emotionally or physically. I've always been considered 'weak' because of this. I don't really know what goes through my head when I chicken out of doing something like that. If I ever hurt someone unintentionally, I beat myself up over it. Sometimes literally. I don't know how he'd react to this, or how devastated he'd be that one of his 'inner circle' hasn't really liked him this whole time and was just playing along to not make him feel bad. So, I can't do it.

This is really, really lame compared to a lot of other people's issues, but I'm just as confused as hell and I dont know what to do.

I'm not sure if he reads the boards or not, he reads OotS, but if he reads this... then I guess it's how it is. =/

Morrandir
2007-10-09, 01:01 AM
I don't know how to feel right now.

I just found out that my Granddad is going to die soon. My dad came down here to say his goodbyes, and called us to say hi. Mom had to call him and shout at him before he even considered having my brother and I along to say our good-byes.

But the thing is, I'm not sure I want to. I never really knew him, and it feels a bit like I'd just be saying "Oh, right, I have a grandfather on my dad's side. I should say good bye to him." And in truth, it seems like Mom's the one who needs to say good-bye the most. And I'm not sure I want to see my Dad right now.

God, I'm so confused!

Almost missed this one...

I'm losing my grandfather as well. Lung cancer. (If it's the same grandpa, hello cousin ____)

Regardless, my family is handling it well, all things considered. We thought he was going to pass away 6 years ago, when his condition was far more serious. Thankfully, Matlock saved his life. (It's a long story. And a bizarre one. Like you haven't guessed already...)

He's not really depressed, the best work I can think of is... accepting. He's had 6 years he thought he wouldn't, met with nearly all his kids a year or two back, and has had dozens of cute nurses taking care of him while he watches TV.

Back to the point, you will want to see both him and your father. It's a hard time for everyone, and even though you weren't very close, just the act of being there will make the relatives feel better. Most notably, your mom.

I'm not going to pretend I know what it's like to have separated parents, as it seems yours are, but I do know how death in the family affects everyone.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-10-09, 02:20 AM
In that case, you should come to Australia. There's Tallangatta, which is half an hour away from a pretty big town that I think could have the specialists you need. Then there's the real outback: Flying Doctor and internet consultations :smallbiggrin: Also while our health system has been in decline lately (then again, when isn't it?), I'm sure you wouldn't be left in the lurch like it sounds like you tend to be now, and your medicine would almost certainly be at least subsidised by the government.
Also, I know it's bad, but Bor, I can't help but laugh a little at your misfortune. It's just so ridiculously piled up on you. You should complain to God/Your choice of fate-distributer.
I sent a letter to Him many years ago. I received a form letter to the effect of, "Deal with it." :smallyuk:

One of the aspects of moving out of the US is that I'm reliant on a government check at this time. It's my only income, and I simply can't hold down any kind of work that expects me to show up for a scheduled shift. Especially when, once I seem to be in decent health, I'm bound to get hit by a car...trip over a very small rock...suffer a brain embolism because I stared at a bunny too long. :smallannoyed: Moving elsewhere would likely mean the end of what little income I have now.

And...move to Australia? I imagine I'd lose my name to become "that guy from the States." My feeble attempts at an Australian accent would only get me labeled as a dork. I appreciate the idea, but...Well, it'd also take something I'm sorely lacking: money. And if I had money, I wouldn't have some of the issues I have now.

Right now, my focus is on something I don't do well: healing. :smalleek:

There is something funny in my fall Sunday afternoon. You see, I play City of Heroes. On CoH, I created a character that was meant to be pure spoof. I even created a little bind, where I tap a key and he announces, "I am not the Incredible Hulk, the Amazing Spider-Man, or the Invicible Iron Man! I am...THE ADJECTIVE NOUN!" The game takes place in Paragon City. So what should the name of the supergroup be when started by a guy calling himself Adjective Noun? The New Paragon Floor Huggers! With the encouraging motto, "Because dying is what we do best!" :smallbiggrin:

So there I am, in my apartment, cleaning my wounds with alcohol and applying anitbiotic ointment...ready to scream from all the pain I'm in...and I took a moment to chuckle. I done some real floor hugging that day. :smalltongue:

Edit: My apologies to those whom I am not helping at the moment, but my attention is a off kilter. All of these extra meds I'm ingesting are taking their toll on me. Two antibiotics combine to make me a little queasy. Painkillers just make me loopy. Sting of the topical antibiotic is downright distracting. It would seem I need medications for my medications. :smalleek:

Serpentine
2007-10-09, 02:25 AM
And...move to Australia? I imagine I'd lose my name to become "that guy from the States." My feeble attempts at an Australian accent would only get me labeled as a dork. I appreciate the idea, but...Well, it'd also take something I'm sorely lacking: money. And if I had money, I wouldn't have some of the issues I have now.
Eh. Half the people who don't assume you're an idiot for where you come from will fawn over you for the same. But generally, you'd just be new and interesting. We don't really use the word "dork" that much, anyway... I was only half serious, anyway :smalltongue: If I was all serious, I would've asked what medication you need and checked whether it was on the Pharmaceutical Benefit Scheme.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-10-09, 02:29 AM
I have a better idea, Serpie...You move to the States, and in with me specifically. When I trip over a dust mote and break a limb, you can bring me soup and sammiches. :smallbiggrin:

Serpentine
2007-10-09, 02:33 AM
Hmmm. How's the job market in libraries?

No, really. I have this idea of travelling around North America and/or the UK, going from library to library, like most backpackers work bars and pubs. If I could do it, it'd rock. Also I have a really good recipe for chicken soup. Still annoyed I didn't get that kangaroo tail soup from my biology teacher...

DarkLightDragon
2007-10-09, 03:00 AM
I did manage to get some sleep. That's good. You've probably noticed that I type differently when I'm really tired like that.

@Serpentine: Kangaroo tail smells bad. My family was given one to give to our dog once. He smelled for a while afterwards.

@Bor: That sucks... I really wish there was something I could say other than "You can do it!" but I can't think of anything. So, I'll say "You can do it!"

Charity
2007-10-09, 05:36 AM
Orange Zergling.
That is a tricky situation, it always smarts to hurt someones feelings, and I'm guessing this guy has precious few other friends.
However, to thyne own self be true pretending to be this guys friend will only hurt you both more in the long run.
Try to be diplomatic, no need to be cruel, but be firm, if it's what you want leave no ambiguity.

Maryring
2007-10-09, 11:29 AM
Just a few quick questions.

What could it be I have done wrong?
What should I think about this?
How do I respond to this?


I've written a letter to you. A different letter than this one. It is pretty angry. I was pretty angry when I wrote it... on you, because you made me feel guilty about not beginning on Framnes. Because I'm not speaking with you. Because I have a pretty good life without you. For a whole lot of reasons. I'm actually pretty angry still, but mostly on myself. It doesn't matter much anyway.
You wont receive that letter.
But I thought I should tell you something, because I actually think that it is ******* unnice to block people without telling, and I feel mean when doing so. It is just that we have nothing to talk about, and I think that it is so embarrassing.
We're pretty done with one another, aren't we?

I think so. You can hate me if you want, Hate is great, can be great, and it does me actually nothing if you become quite angry with me. Very angry with me.
Or, now I lied. I think it is sad, but I think that is the way it has to be. This is a more fair way of doing it, whatever "it" is.

I don't know, I. But I can't bear just pretending. I hate that you've become... some kind of problem to me, but now you know at least.

Well, I guess that was what I felt that I had to say.
Have a great time, good luck?

The Great Skenardo
2007-10-09, 11:32 AM
@Maryring

I'm afraid that without some greater idea of the context, I don't really know what to make of this letter. I suppose this is an acquaintance of yours who went to another school?

Maryring
2007-10-09, 11:49 AM
The context has been provided from the very day I started posting here.

Imma is the best thing that has ever happened to me, the dearest friend I have ever had. Thanks to her I have friends. Thanks to her, I realized that a friend doesn't neccessarily physically assault you. Thanks to her, I'm no longer as frightened to meet new people. Thanks to her, I had a fantastic summer. I have a lot to thank her for.

Which is why this confuses me so.

The Great Skenardo
2007-10-09, 11:55 AM
What do you make of the line about "Blocking" her? Did you fall out of communication for a while?

Maryring
2007-10-09, 12:00 PM
Blocking probably meant Messenger wise. She's blocked me on her MSN.

As to failed contact... it seems so, but... I don't know.

The Orange Zergling
2007-10-09, 02:31 PM
Orange Zergling.
That is a tricky situation, it always smarts to hurt someones feelings, and I'm guessing this guy has precious few other friends.
However, to thyne own self be true pretending to be this guys friend will only hurt you both more in the long run.
Try to be diplomatic, no need to be cruel, but be firm, if it's what you want leave no ambiguity.

He does have several other friends, not sure how close they are, but they are there.

The reason I'm so troubled about this is that if I had halted it when it began, then the bud would have been nipped and it never would have started this. I fear it's too far along and too developed to just stop. I'm seeing him again on Saturday and I'm going to try to head towards a point where I can say "I think I need a break". Hopefully from there I can decide what I want to do in the long run...

A Rainy Knight
2007-10-09, 02:38 PM
Bor: It certainly sounds like you've been through a lot, and I wish that there was something I could do to help you. But, in all reality, there isn't, so I'll just say that I'm rooting for you. :smallsmile:

Garatolla
2007-10-09, 02:38 PM
Forgive my pointless posting, but I'm trying to keep my mind busy, although it's not working so far....

I've suffered from depression for roughly the last 11 years, and today it's weighing on me like a fat man made out of lead...I feel manic - like I want to laugh maniacally and cry hysterically at the same time....I changed to new meds recently and I assume that's how the blahness got a more pronounced grip on me. I feel self destructive in the extreme, and more blank and hopeless than I have in a long time, and as such I'm trying to avoid thinking about it by posting something here.....

We now return you to stuff worth reading....

sktarq
2007-10-09, 03:11 PM
Forgive my pointless posting, but I'm trying to keep my mind busy, although it's not working so far....

I've suffered from depression for roughly the last 11 years, and today it's weighing on me like a fat man made out of lead...I feel manic - like I want to laugh maniacally and cry hysterically at the
We now return you to stuff worth reading....
This was worth reading...actually this is the point of the thread....see right there in the title....most of us need to rant from time to time....this time was your turn....If you are on meds at least you know and are trying to deal with issue...can't say the most recent few OotS theme could have helped....Try reading The Far Side or something Pratchet or Douglas Adams....something silly and life affirming....Oh and tell your doctor how you're doing....hope things stablize in a better place. :smalleek:



The context has been provided from the very day I started posting here...Which is why this confuses me so.
Did she ever say what was the reason that you "have become a problem" made her angry etc? It also may be standard high emotional silliness that seems to flood most people during their teens....Maybe even something totally different and she is just taking it out on you. She wouldn't even have to realize she is doing it either....also will her walking away damage any of the things (particularly your ability to make new friends and meet people) she taught you?



*Sigh..*
:smallfrown: I'm sad. I had a dream I can't get out of my head. I figured this would be the place to vent..I had a dream that me and my girlfriend...*Sniff*.. sorry. I need tissues..
Okay I feel bad because I have such a total lack of a clue on what to say on this. One question would be is how old is your girlfriend? I know several girls who hated babies for years then flipped over later...sometimes quickly. Secondly have you talked to her about this? This is something that can cause all sorts of relationship issues so it would probably be best to get this into the open.....um....try figuring out where on the age scale she stops wanting to be near youngin's and see if you have any friends or reletives with kids that age and work downwards slowly....not everyone finds babies cute...heck I'm one of them...but a few years ago anyone under 12 was just an unfathomable freak to be stayed away from and placated with sweets...now I can deal with anyone over age 4....Just a thought....Goodluck mate.

Aereshaa_the_2nd
2007-10-09, 03:32 PM
I happen to know that some people think they hate children, but no-one human can really hate them, because such a trait could never survive even 5 generations. Personally, I have always loved children, and I hope I will be blessed with many.

To Bor: Believe me, you should move to another country, or at least go there for healthcare. I would recommend my native Canada or the UK. Personally I wouldn't take a step into the USA without lots of health insurance.

Quincunx
2007-10-09, 04:28 PM
Mattarias: Any variant of "please" or "but can't you change" (and this is, however politely and rationally, what sktarq suggested you say) will get you kicked out of that relationship so hard you'll be sneezing out bits of tail bone. If you're still feeling broody, there are toddlers which need babysitting, Big Brother programs, etc.; go plant some dreams in their heads, if only the pleasure of having their own No to wield against someone new. Toddlers aren't articulate.

sktarq
2007-10-09, 06:40 PM
Whoa - Okay no-that is not what I was sujesting but rereading it I can see how it would be taken that way (gotta stops rushing replys at work) . The biggest thing is to get something you seem to greatly care about out in the open in your relationship. It's more a matter that resentment doesn't become a huge issue or that she doesn't push it in your face. Also as I said it's more about waiting to see if she changes her mind and being okay with it if she never does-and I mean that second part. she might not change. she might never want to be a mother-and you have to realize that. But if she does its going to come with time (by the sounds of it lots) and probably some exposure.

Micate
2007-10-09, 08:10 PM
Just a few quick questions.

What could it be I have done wrong?
What should I think about this?
How do I respond to this?

I've been in that position before Mary. If you read back on like page 10 or something like that I tell my story, where a great friend picked me up by my bootstraps and forced to become a human being, when I had all but given up on life. Eventually, he couldn't stand always having to push me to better myself, and at one point just railed on me, not dissimilarly to the note you quoted for us.
What I can say is to not forget her, and be strong for her. Live your own life for a while, without her help, and once your confident in your skin, find her again (if its simple to do so, if not you might look stalkerish randomly reappearing after a while, but you might not, I don't know you or her) and start over again, as though you just met. But ultimately, this requires forgiveness on both parties, and if she isn't willing to forgive you, there is nothing you can do to force her. All you can do is show her how much you've grown (once you've grown), and that you can be normal friends, without her feeling like you're "her problem".
I believe you can work this out, but it is not easy. I assume you know what she meant when she referred to you as a problem, and chances are it doesn't make any sense to you, but emotions almost never do, so just take it at face value and leave it at that. Trying to find logic behind emotions will just run you in circles, and that is incredibly annoying.

If it helps, me and my friend are back in touch and he's still one of my best friends, despite our 'breaking up' (which lasted over a month btw, blocked on all IM clients, wouldn't give me the time of day at school, the whole shebang).

I'll get around to replying to everyone else later, but for now, I'm hungry. *goes to check the fridge*

darkblade
2007-10-09, 08:49 PM
Time to get this over with...By this time some of you may know I spent most of the Summer in a mental ward and a "youth crisis residence". Some of you even know why, for the rest of you.

My parents (Mother and Step-Father) were borderline abusive. I know it wasn't much but when they yelled at and hit my little sister and me I got angry at them. Not normal I'll yell back and smash things but I'll get a knife and kill you in your sleep angry. One day they pushed me too far and I went and got a knife from the kitchen. I snuck into their room ready to do it. I was about to kill them. Then I thought of a girl I thought I loved. Erin Kelly, yes Er'n Kelli that alone should show how much I thought of her. I thought about how she would hate me if I became a killer like that. I couldn't do it after that. I put the knife away and left the house staying at a friend's house for the night.

A few months later I decided that I should tell her what happened. I e-mailed Erin with a slightly elaborated version of the above. She freaked out to put it lightly. She showed her parents, who showed the school guidance councilor, who showed the vice-principal, who showed the Ontario Provincial Police. I was arrested the next day. After Talking to the Police I was sent to the mental ward for a day and a half before being transfered to the Youth residence.

At the youth residence, I found out that Erin had filed for a restraining order against me. This really hurt, not only did the girl I beleived I loved betray me where all my other friends held my confidence but then she goes out and makes it so that I can't see her again. I excepted that loss and moved on. I found another girl at the residence, she took the opposite approach to similar problems.

I'm now living with my Dad and Step-Mom. My sister is still living with the abusive ones, now under the watch of Children's Aid but still I worry about her safety alot. My new girlfriend is getting better, she is not as suicidal as she used to be, but still has anxiety attacks periodically, I worry about her, I'm still alittle afraid she will do the unthinkable. I used to live in the Country now I'm Down Town Toronto, I fear for my own safety here. I have to adjust to a new High School, which won't let me take Writer's Craft (a course I spent the last 3 years looking forward to) until next year. Children's Aid won't let me stay over night with my sister calling me a danger to her. My parents dont trust me with my new girlfriend and neither do hers, so the little bit of time together we have had has been with one of our parents watching. I have criminal charges being filed against me. This is alot of **** going on now. I'm scared, lost, confused. I really don't know what to do anymore.

Serpentine
2007-10-09, 09:12 PM
Based on the reactions of the people around you (e.g. criminal charges, surely that's not just for intending to kill someone and then changing your mind :smallconfused:), I'm guessing there's a part of that story we're missing. I think the saddest thing, for me, that I saw in there was that your parents (dad and stepmother) seem to have lost trust in you. I can't say I can really blame them, but it might be somewhere to start. I think you should sit down and talk to them, tell them exactly what was happening, why you did what you did, why it won't happen again (if that's true). You did something very scary and unpredictable, something they never would've thought their little baby boy could ever do. You're strange to them, and you need to let them know that you're still in there.
If you have serious concerns about your girlfriend, let her parents and councellor know, and make sure she knows how much she means to you. Can't help much else there.
With your sister, at some point in that whole mess, did you explain to people what your parents (mum and stepdad) had been doing? I think you would've given them a big shake-up, and if the Children's Aid know what's happening I'm sure they know what to look for. Can your talk to your sister over the phone regularly? If so, I guess you just have to try to listen for any sign that something's wrong, and don't be afraid to tell Children's Aid if you think there is.

Mattarias, King.
2007-10-09, 11:05 PM
Thanks guys. Sorry..

Uhm, she's 18, since you asked, but she hates anything under 12, I think..

There's no way I'm trying "please" or whatever. I'm unsure I even want to be a father, but.. well.. I mean..

How would you feel if you had to deny the very existence of someone you love and care about? :smallfrown:

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-10-10, 12:16 AM
@ darkblade: It's a scary thing to realize the flaws in humans, including one's self. People often fear what they don't understand, and your ex just doesn't understand what it's like to feel above average emotional/physical pain. Those things will drive us to do things we would NEVER consider under better circumstances. Many others simply don't understand such circumstances.

The abuse I experienced as a child, mostly psychological, is certainly a factor in my depression. And some of the thoughts that run through my mind...well, sometimes I wish I could take out a restraining order on myself.

That pain you're feeling? Do your best to confront it, absorb it, and turn it into the empathy *I* try to demonstrate. It also helps to poke fun at the worst circumstances when you can. These things, often quite difficult to actually DO, may well help you along the way.

As for your sister...I wish I could say/do more. All too often, what I think SHOULD be done and what's ACTUALLY done are two different things. Since I can't and won't become embroiled in a socio-political argument, all I can do right now is hope for the best. :smallfrown:

@ Mattarias: Have hope. People's maternal/paternal instincts can change with time. And as I'm assuming you're about the same age as her, I should also say she may not be "the one." Time passes, things change, and some folks find their dreams coming true. I hope you're one of them. :smallsmile:

smellie_hippie
2007-10-10, 06:18 AM
Maryring: I'm sorry to hear your friend has turned her back on you. I didn't realize that you two were fighting, and if I read your post correctly, you didn't realize it either. Is it possible that she felt too much pressure from your friendship? It didn't look like her letter said anything about wanting you to be angry with her... but she would be ok if it would help with a clean break. If you don't want to get into this kind of discussion on here, feel free to PM me.

Darkblade: I'm very sorry to hear about your abuse. I'm also sorry to hear about the difficult situation you have gotten yourself into. There's no easy way out of abuse, but you can count yourself lucky that you stopped before taking that final plunge. With children's services being involved, hopefully your parents behavior towards your sister is being closely monitored.

Mattarias: Don't give up hope. It sounds cheezy, but there is a very important fact to consider. Your girlfriend is only 18... which is WAY EARLY to be thinking about kids. It's also a tad early on her ticking biological clock. I agree with what Serpentine said earlier about "asking her please to think about it"..... bad idea. Just let her come around to the idea of Anya on her own.

Bor: I'm a couple days late in posting about your accident. I hope your Doc visits have been productive and reassuring. If not... then I hope you recover well on your own.

To everyone else... I hope everything is going well.

Serpentine
2007-10-10, 07:54 AM
I agree with what Serpentine said earlier about "asking her please to think about it"..... bad idea. Just let her come around to the idea of Anya on her own.
:smallconfused: Nope, not me. Quincunx. Me, I don't like the idea of having kids (pregnancy and motherhood scare me), but I've got such a good body for it I feel like it'd be a waste not to eventually. Yeah, she's only 18. I'd be kinda worried if she was broody already. Give her time. Might be worth finding out what it is exactly she hates about the idea, but it's certainly not something you can force on her.

darkblade
2007-10-10, 08:02 AM
Based on the reactions of the people around you (e.g. criminal charges, surely that's not just for intending to kill someone and then changing your mind ), I'm guessing there's a part of that story we're missing.
The charges are for uttering death threats and weilding a weapon with the intent to commit an offense.


I think you should sit down and talk to them, tell them exactly what was happening, why you did what you did, why it won't happen again (if that's true). You did something very scary and unpredictable, something they never would've thought their little baby boy could ever do. You're strange to them, and you need to let them know that you're still in there.
I have. They still don't trust me not that I can really blame them either.


If you have serious concerns about your girlfriend, let her parents and councellor know,
They all know.


Can your talk to your sister over the phone regularly? If so, I guess you just have to try to listen for any sign that something's wrong, and don't be afraid to tell Children's Aid if you think there is.
I don't know, the fact that considered me a bigger threat to my sister than them worries me a bit.

Quincunx
2007-10-10, 12:37 PM
Darn you, Serpentine, stop being a byword for good advice! :D

I know you phrased that as well as possible, sktarq; I just wanted to get a warning in before he acted on that advice and maaaybe pressed the alarm button that is Changing Someone's Mind about Kids. Mattarias, you're trying to deny a possibility, not the existence of a real person, and in most people's eyes* that carries less weight.

darkblade, maybe you tripped an unknown "oh man, I joked that he'd be the type that would come after us in the night, and now he admits it!" confirmation, or maybe it's just the generalization that young females are a bit less able to fight back combined with the line between verbal and physical abuse. In short, I don't think either restraining order could have been prevented--way better to have and not need than need and not have one. Damned if I know how to prove harmlessness in this situation. Will think on it.


*Not mine. I value dreams just as much as realities.

Maryring
2007-10-10, 01:09 PM
Eh, I don't think it is the same, Micate. She has helped me by being an example, mostly. I haven't complained to her about anything except about stupid people and corrupt politicians. Mostly when we have spoken, it's been about Sailor Moon and various other assorted anime, stupid class mates and other similar things. I do think I know the reason why she doesn't want to talk with me though, and that's because the last few times we've spoken on MSN, I haven't had much to tell her, because I was drowning in work. We rarely got on at the same time, and she had an uncanny knack for getting on while I was either logging of, or working on a big assignment. I know all this...

What is making me ask is the way she did it. It's so... clean, so nice. She's actually taking her time to write a letter to me. She isn't just mentioning it in a random sentence, writing a note, throwing rocks or just plain ignoring me. She's actually being kind about it, and that is what is making me so unsure.

And fighting would be a bit difficult, considering we've barely had the chance to speak lately. That's why I wanted her to begin on the same boarding school as me, so that we could actually meet on a daily basis, and not once each summer for a summer vacation.

Ego Slayer
2007-10-10, 01:34 PM
Just going to jump in here for a moment with something of my own...

1). Since about the beginning of the year I've found I've acquired quite a few minor phobias and a little paranoia; some so irrational that it's hardly, or not at all possible. I think the basis is fear of sudden death. They're not strong enough as to make me unable to do things, they just come on suddenly, and I often need to just take a deep breath, and clear my head.

2). I'm way to much on edge. Over the last few months I've gotten a little jumpy. Most sudden loud noises startle me much more than normal. Or, just this morning, while I was at the computer, my mom came into the room to ask me something, but I didn't really see her enter; I was very, very noticeably startled. Something catches me off-guard every few days, or so, and sometimes multiple times in that day.

2a)/3). I'm emotionally fragile like I never remember being before. I feel just plain horrible about myself to say this, but, I don't know when the last time I've had two consecutive days where I didn't break down (or come close) over something which, to anyone decently normal, would have had any issues with. I can be having a fine day up until something trivial sets me off, though, it usually doesn't last very long, and I can get on with my day. I usually hate going to bed every night because I dread waking up the next morning, knowing that it's not going to be a good day. I'm constantly tense, waiting for something to set me off... Hell, just knowing that I'm doomed to have a mostly unhappy day is enough to make me cry.

So, that's just a slice of my problems... I want to know what's going on here. :smallsigh:

For one thing, though probably minor or nothing at all, I'm wondering about caffeine. I know it has links to depression, and a wide range of anxiety disorders, and screws with the adrenal system. Now, I don't drink 4 cups of coffee a day, probably more like the equivalent of 1-1/12 at most, but I'm sure that on top of depression, lack of sleep, and not eating enough, it isn't helping.

Halp! Sum1 haz mah sanityz!

Raiser Blade
2007-10-10, 06:17 PM
Rofl i haz ur sanitayz!

Srsly *ahem* seriously you should make sure to get sleep and get enough nourishment for your body. After you do that if you are still a nervous wreck maybe you need to check into some medication because it coud be a hormones thing.

Hope you feel better soon. :smallsmile:

Serpentine
2007-10-10, 10:47 PM
If it's new and unusual and you can't immediately figure out what could cause it, it's worth talking to a GP. They sound like the symptoms for something, but I'll be blowed if I know what. In the meantime, it might be worth trying a week or so without any caffeine at all, longer sleeping hours, and/or a better diet, see if that changes anything.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-10-10, 11:39 PM
Yeah...ummm...So, I'm pretty scared right now. I may be scared over nothing, but my right foot is getting worse on a daily basis. It has declined since I discovered the damage on Monday morning. So that I could see a specialist tomorrow, I needed a referral from my regular physicial. The big toe has been taped, so I exposed it so the doc could see...only to discover the swelling is so bad that the skin has split.

And I'm starting to think that people are getting tired of the "woe is me" stories coming from me.

Maybe it's time...to take a break. :smallfrown:

Ego Slayer
2007-10-10, 11:43 PM
And I'm starting to think that people are getting tired of the "woe is me" stories coming from me.
I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that I like knowing how you're doing, if you're okay, or not... I dunno. :smallsigh:

Serpentine
2007-10-10, 11:56 PM
Bor... How on earth did you manage to do that much damage just tripping over? :smallconfused: :smalleek:

potatocubed
2007-10-11, 06:05 AM
Halp! Sum1 haz mah sanityz!

Sounds like some sort of anxiety thingy. And that's about as specific as Dr. Potato* is going to get.

I'm not sure caffeine is a problem - I drink 2-3 cups a day and it doesn't trigger my anxiety problems. On the other hand I'm older than you, and bigger, and I used to drink so much (9+ cups per day... *twitch*) that my body may be used to higher doses by now. I'd recommend cutting back or cutting it out entirely, just in case.

What might be an issue is stress. Stress tends to trigger all sorts of weird and wonderful symptoms. Is there something in your life that's looming up that you don't want to deal with? An ongoing problem? Take steps to remove the stress and see what happens.

* Not really a doctor of any kind.

Dullyanna
2007-10-11, 07:16 AM
I had no idea this thread even existed up until today... I'm not even sure how to word this. Well, here goes nothing:I've had clinical depression for a fairly long time (About 5-7 years now). It's not the result of anything external, like the death of loved ones or some horribly debilitating injury. It's really just self-loathing, and lots of it. I don't have any... talents. I suck at sports, I'm not very smart, and I have zero artistic ability. I can't even get a part-time job at a fast food restaurant. This all feels rather petty too, since I'm fully aware that most other people have it so much worse than I do. The fact that I can't even remember the last time I felt well rested doesn't help. Umm... yeah, this is pretty awkward for me, but I don't exactly have a lot of options (Medicine doesn't work, therapy didn't help).

smellie_hippie
2007-10-11, 08:51 AM
Dullyanna: Just the fact that you have come to terms with having depression puts you ahead of the game. It's a long road, but you'll hopefully start to find that there are bright spots. Pay attention to them, as they will help you along the way. I didn't mean that to be so cryptic, but it's very important to take credit for anything that you have accomplished or enjoyed.

Bor: Take care of yourself. If you feel you need to walk away for a breather, that's fine. If you're walking away because you think you're overburdening us, don't go. You know just as well as the rest of us, that gettign it out is better than holding it in. If we (the thread readers/posters) are getting overwhelmed, we'll stay away from the thread.

Ego Slayer
2007-10-11, 11:03 AM
What might be an issue is stress. Stress tends to trigger all sorts of weird and wonderful symptoms. Is there something in your life that's looming up that you don't want to deal with? An ongoing problem? Take steps to remove the stress and see what happens.
Oh, I'm under a constant state of stress. I don't know what doesn't make me stressed. Stuff like figuring out what I'm going to do with my life/college stuff, down to my parents having to argue with my brother all too often because he's becoming the stereotypical teenage brat. Those being two of the main ones which I'm fine with mentioning Mostly problems I can't just decided to step away from.

It might be good to note though, that, at different points in her life, my mom has dealt with depression and a couple panic attacks. So, I also have a bit of a genetic predisposition to not taking stress well.

Trog
2007-10-11, 11:17 AM
Ego:
With regard to the jumpiness I went through something like this as well. I believe I found that that is a symptom of depression, believe it or not. No idea why, really, but there you go.

Best advice I can give is the following:

Over the course of the past year or so I have learned to recognize when I am in a down mood. I recognize my pattern of thought or the subjects I keep coming back to when I am down. When I realize I am feeling down what I then do is ask myself the following questions:

Do I feel hungry?
Do I feel tired?
Am I stressed?

Any yes answers means I need to take care of these needs first. Any of these serve to depress my mood. So I eat something, I nap (if possible... which is rare. Otherwise I plan to go to bed early), and... well I try to remove the stress, as much as I am able to. You'd be very surprised how much of a difference taking care of your body's needs has a positive effect on your state of mind. :smallsmile:

smellie_hippie
2007-10-11, 11:44 AM
You'd be very surprised how much of a difference taking care of your body's needs has a positive effect on your state of mind. :smallsmile:

This coming from a Troglodyte who drinks and smokes and consorts with himself? :smallamused:

All kidding aside... that is very sound advice.

PhoeKun
2007-10-11, 11:47 AM
Oh, I'm under a constant state of stress. I don't know what doesn't make me stressed. Stuff like figuring out what I'm going to do with my life/college stuff, down to my parents having to argue with my brother all too often because he's becoming the stereotypical teenage brat. Those being two of the main ones which I'm fine with mentioning Mostly problems I can't just decided to step away from.

It might be good to note though, that, at different points in her life, my mom has dealt with depression and a couple panic attacks. So, I also have a bit of a genetic predisposition to not taking stress well.

There aren't really any simple tricks or bits of one-shot advice for dealing with that style of stress, I've found. In large part because the stuff you've mentioned is part and parcel of life.

That said, stress and depression are something all of us have to deal with (and some of us were blessed with the inability to handle it well :smallsigh:), but it doesn't usually hit the Danger ZoneTM unless you start taking all the individual sources of stress in your life and letting them pile on top of one another, and more importantly, you. It's important (and difficult) to keep an eye on yourself and your moods, so you can know when you're not feeling quite as well as you'd like, and can take stock of what, specifically, put you in that position. And then you have to figure out if the problem is something that you can pull yourself away from (temporarily, if nothing else), or if it's something you need to address in the very near future. A fight against depression isn't a fight to get rid of it; you can't. It's a fight to never let it control you.

I don't know if any of this helps or not, but it's what boils down to the wisdom I've taken from my experience, such as it is. And one other thing: there is always time to figure out what you want to do with your life, even twenty years beyond the end of your education. It just... doesn't always seem that way. But it's true (and there are plenty of us in the same boat), so try not to worry about that particular issue too much.

(They were having a sale on parenthetical statements. Could you tell?)

Trog
2007-10-11, 12:30 PM
This coming from a Troglodyte who drinks and smokes and consorts with himself? :smallamused:

*Pokes head back in* Hey! :smallannoyed: When Trog's tummy says: "Trog... Drink something would ya? Liver is getting on my nerves and I want you to stick it to him" what's Trog supposed to do? Liver slurs so bad Trog can't understand him anyways. Trog's lungs keep coughing... so to keep them quiet Trog drowns them in tar. Worked on the dinosaurs in La Brea, works for Trog.

*lights a coffin nail and sips his Dragon's Liver Buster*

The consorting with yourself is hard to not do. Trog's got needs afterall.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2007-10-11, 01:16 PM
Bor... How on earth did you manage to do that much damage just tripping over? :smallconfused: :smalleek:
I have no idea, other than the fact that being a klutz is nothing new to me. For example:

I was at work. I tripped over a...a thing. Yes, a thing. Silly me, I sought to keep my balance, and somehow managed to maintain my "state of tripping" for ten feet before gravity won out. Since I'm right handed, the right side of my body is what made the most effort to stay on my feet. The very toe I'm having an issue with now was repeatedly smashed into the floor. That only hurt me enough to keep me limping for two weeks. :smallannoyed:

Had the pleasure of catching my very first fiance in the arms of another guy. I confronted them immediately, and was sorely tempted to take my anger out on them. Instead, I kicked a nearby car. I struck with so much force that the bones in the middle of my foot collided and chipped. :smalleek:

I was once a limo driver, and would often have to get ready for work hours before anyone in my family considered waking up. The hallway to the bathroom was narrow, and some idiot decided one of the support beams to the house should be covered with wood; a nice, square, painted cover with rather sharp corners. Despite having walked this path numerous times, I clipped the pole in the dark one morning...with my face! I ended up with a cut that traveled straight down, starting high on my forhead, skipping over my eye completely (thank goodness), and continuing on down my cheek. The bonus was that it almost instantly became infected. :smallannoyed:

There was a time when I wore contacts. Early one day, around the age of 24, I believe, I was putting them in my eyes, and for the life of me couldn't figure out why the first hurt so much. This delayed putting in the second. I took it out, checked for an eyelash or something, rinsed it again, put it back in my eye, almost screamed, practically tore it out...and that's when I realized that instead of rinsing the lens with saline, I was using the peroxide sollution they sit in overnight. I was willing to ignore what I'd done, went to work, where I told my dad how dumb I'd been that morning. He insisted I get my butt to an eye doc...it was then that I was diagnosed with retinopathy. :smallfrown:

Since I don't really know my own strength, I managed to damage the knuckles of my forefinger and middle finger of my right hand, when I, once again, lost my temper and chose to his someTHING instead of someONE. ("Don't make me angry, Mr. McGee. *I* won't like me when I'm angry." :smalleek: ) I was in my little Subaru at the time, when a "friend" decided to report to me on an ex-girlfriend whom I'd been VERY fond of, but hadn't seen in some time. The news was meant to upset me, and it did. Since I was driving, I punched the ceiling above me so hard that I suddenly lost the use of my right hand for a couple of weeks. Did I go to the doctor? Noooo. I was young and stupid. I did, however, stare in wonder the next morning at the roof of my car. I left knuckle prints OUTSIDE the vehicle. :smalleek:

Working on a brake lathe, cutting some rotors, I was attempting to remove my latest "masterpiece." (Man, I cut some pretty car parts when I was younger.) Hmmm...Guess I put the securing nut on tighter than usual. I had to exert a little extra effort to get it off. The nut suddenly came loose, my hand slipped from the wrench, and my right ring finger smashed into one of the lathe blades. I bled everywhere. I bled through the bandaid, and then the gauze I put in it. Once again, did I go for medical aid? Nah, that would've been smart! To this day, you can see the gray of the brake dust inside the finger I gashed open.

I am skipping over every bicycle accident I've ever had, including the time I ended up in the hospital when my bloodsugar dropped and I passed out...while riding!

The events I'm currently living through? Typical for a guy who seems determined, subconsciously, to prove his invulnerability. I really wish I could silence that stupid part of my psyche. The rest of me knows I'm entirely too mortal and fragile.